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misscammiedawn · 1 year

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When you tag as #dawnposting or #cammieposting, is that like the difference between top/bottom posting? Or am I totally wrong there?

I have long feared the day I would need to explain this. I knew it would have to happen, even if I put in my quick explanation in my Masterpost.

The last time I had spoken on this topic on Twitter I got some severe anon hate for it and it did a little bit of harm to me. I would prefer not to emulate that experience. It was discomforting.

I shall post the easily digestible short version here and then a long version under readmore.

Quickly spoken, yes. That's correct. When I type from the perspective of a somft sweet morsel who yearns I am Cammie Posting. When I am posting from the perspective of someone who likes to pull hair, bite necks and listen to a partner whimper against me as my lips brush their earlobe and I order them to BEG. - That's Dawn Posting.

Then there's Camden Posting which could easily be renamed BPD Posting.

But I guess we have the long version under readmore...

So let's talk dissociative disorders and "plurality". With the caveat that I still consider myself a pwBPD with mood swings that happen to have easily definable names and behaviors.

I am no expert and though I have plural friends, I distance myself from the plural community and their resources because I refuse the label. I find it a complicated relationship and the syscourse does me more harm than any amount of external acceptance, which my brain would reject as bias, could ever do.

So... I 100% have BPD. That's TRIPLE confirmed at this point. BPD is on the dissociative disorder spectrum. It doesn't matter if you're using DES-II, MID or the interview. BPD is there.

...and therapists just... don't seem to ever give folx with BPD a test to see where they are on that spectrum for some reason? Despite Identity Disturbance and Dissociation being 2 of the 9 criteria. I suffer both. Unambiguously. That I know.

Dissociative Experience Scale rates between PTSD, cPTSD, BPD, OSDD and DID. There is so much more to these things than just "multiple personalities" (there's somatic experiences, amnesia barriers, fugue experiences and so much more) and I'm not about to go sharing my physical symptoms because it's none of anyone's business and I hide that shit from people I live with. But I am aware of the depths of this thing... even when parts of me insist otherwise.

And the cause is known, too... Regardless of where on the scale I land, I am on that scale.

So the question is. Do I count as OSDD-1 on top of or instead of my BPD? I do not know. I have expressed as much as I am able to my therapist and they are monitoring me. But they refuse to talk to me about it, likely for fear of shifting the results. I refuse to chase up on it because, plainly spoken, it near about broke me to raise the topic once. I am not going to force myself to talk about it again.

An issue with it is though that it's a covert illness and fights to keep itself hidden. 80% of the time I think I am an attention seeking monster who deserves to be exposed, hurt and exiled. I hate that I indulge in this delusion and just want my therapist to say "YOU ARE FAKING." And be done with it. Luckily I'm presently in that 20% sweet spot and intend to do everything in my power to not delete the post once shared.

So, if I am so defensive and in denial, why am I having myself checked up and utilizing tags which seem to imply I have decided I am?

...and that... is a question that most of me is still struggling with. However, the long story short is, someone I love removed my ability to run from it.

I beg indulgence in not going over the childhood stuff. The earliest signs. I cannot even tell those I trust half of these things and I surely would not care to introduce them to the zeitgeist.

What I shall say, starting in my early 20s, is that I am, as a human being, TERRIFIED of sex (I'll leave it up to your imagination as to why) and I was married in an apparently cishet relationship with an allosexual for 11 years (my journals and a surprisingly large stack of evidence suggests. I was quite aware of my transgender and asexual labels even that early, but I hid them from myself and my partner. Which--- given all I am typing, sounds familiar).

Now here comes the complicating factor that not even my therapist knows how to navigate around. The reason I don't enjoy talking about this stuff and avoid the plural community. HYPNOSIS FETISH PERSONALITY PLAY.

It is so easy to type "I have never had sex outside of an altered headspace". It's so easy to type "My first hypnotist was an abusive asshole who developed entire headspaces for me to inhabit in order to serve him and one was a demure submissive gentile girl and the other was a firm and bold dominant who was unstoppable and he kept me in those headspaces for 7+ years, programming switches to keep my "normal" self unaware of my activities." It is easy to type "I taught my wife how easily and readily my brain can and will switch into "character" headspaces and so in order to have sex with a partner who was incapable of doing it, we worked together to summon our tabletop characters from my soul for kink purposes"

It gets complicated when I try to take those things in the past and apply it to Out Of Scene stuff. It's important to bring it up. I think the fact that I have no memory of engaging in sex with my partner over the course of our 11 year marriage is a VERY IMPORTANT THING to bring up in these discussions. But it was self-inflicted. So...

To put on my educator cap for a moment, I shall remind that this is why one must practice safety when engaging in physical or psychological edgeplay and perhaps you should, as a traumatized person, avoid abusing loopholes to trick their way into doing things that regularly would cause them to completely shut down. Heavens the younger version of myself was a stupid child. But she loved her wife. She wanted to be the person that she needed to be. She was willing to literally cast herself aside in order to do that.

Now, outside of scene, well? Was I fine? Was I rigid and firm and knowing who I am?

No. I had already mentioned Identity Disturbance, remember? I have journal entries from 2003 where I say that I "play myself as a character", I have ones from 2005 where I equate the idea of a voice in my head having the scent of lavender and my mother's voice... and while dating and married I had a soft and sweet affectionate mode "Kitty". It's what she called me. The immature and silly little girl. Nothing like the firm and hard boss who existed at work where I ran a market and handled a staff. Miss Manager, as a friend referred to her as.

Then you have me. The one who has an insatiable hypnosis fetish while dealing with a fear of sex. Someone who wants too pin people down to beds and hear them whimper when the very thought of doing that elicits such shame that I collapse in on myself and try to delete my accounts. I shamefully admit I have succeeded more times than I care to count.

Incidentally the existence of journals going back to 2003 offers some mild evidence of its own. Especially the huge gaps where I had deleted chatlogs and entries and pushed things away.

Sad to say I am hardly the healthiest or most adjusted human.

It's interesting to read my journals from the era of my divorce. There are so many obvious signs of it. Moments I was in "flow state" and was the person I wanted to be for a little bit, or the moments I got a sudden rush of Power and used it to control someone I was flirting with.

Within my marriage, I was well and truly hidden and any attempt to step outside of the bounds of the relationship was to be treated internally as cheating, shameful, awful. Outside of my marriage it was freeing, liberating. It was exploration of my new found ability to interact within fetish communities, my new found comfort within my gender expression and as that comfort grew, my ability to do what I do grew.

And so ignorant of my circumstances, I, collectively, began to rely on "me" - in plural terms "Camden started wanting to be Dawn". And that isn't how any of this works. I would soon find out I couldn't just activate what, at the time, I called "Strong Mode". It doesn't just turn on when I need it to. It needs to happen naturally when the mood and vibes are right. But I was growing closer to Sleepyhead and she had a way of drawing it out of me so I was starting to get comfortable doing that. Being that. Becoming that. Not via a hypnosis scene, as would happen in my marriage, but just by intention. Internalizing that those characters were me and I am capable of doing what they do.

Incidentally I have chatlog from that abusive hypnotist who turned me into his recruitment doll. My typing style shifted when I was "in character" and it matches how I present now. Which was truly terrifying to recognize, particularly as decades had robbed from me memories of the shady depths of which he had pushed me in that arrangement.

There had been so many reactions of "wait, I could do that?" Even in the early days. I do not understand how abilities that only exist in one headspace work, but I also know I lost my ability to run a movie theatre a lot. But surely I was just tired, or distracted or having an "off" day.

Any time I was struggling against it I simply rationalized. When I ended a fun evening with my friends and realized how much of an immature and playful idiot I had been the entire night I would be flooded with shame for how I had acted. I would often complain that no one got to see who I am in an empty room because once other people are there I "turn into a completely different person"

Which, again, is just BPD. That's BPD. I'm describing BPD.

Which brings us to the Acceptance Arc, where I stop hiding behind BPD and start accepting that I may be fractured.

I had started dating Daja this year. I have enough knowledge at this point to be able to predict myself. So when setting boundaries, warnings and limits I discussed heavily and openly the bounds of my, then diagnosed, BPD and how my moods change at random.

Because the mood shifts are something I had internalized by this point. I knew that I would just become emotionally disengaged from a scene at random. I was inconsistent. Unreliable. Dare I say "broken".

I warned her that during a scene I was topping I could lose "that energy" and just disengage and that it wouldn't be her fault. It just happens.

When we met and had started play, our friendship was at least 11 years old, she took care and attention to watch me in my different "Modes" and she had not just recognized them but she could see the differences. When and where the shifts occurred. How it impacted me to be called by different names at different times.

There had been moments in the proceeding years where Sleepyhead had accidentally gotten it right and it made me giddy. Moments where I noticed myself acting "In a mood" while driving and needed to have myself "pull the breaks".

But this was the first time someone looked in my eyes, saw what was happening in my head and commented on it for me. During a scene with Dawn, Daja reached out and brushed her cheek tenderly and the emotion melted as a shift in tempo occurred and she knew before anything was said that I had "lost" myself and was in a different place now.

That weekend she paid attention and learned me in ways I honestly feel undeserving of. It seems unfair to rely that heavily on another person. But no matter my mood, no matter my manner; she SAW me. Called me by my name(s) and... suddenly I couldn't hide anymore.

How can you tell that feeling that wells in your heart when what's happening inside is what's seen outside? Up until then I just felt insane. The incongruity was just part of being alive.

When I am in a certain headspace, I am consumed by self-doubt and paranoia. I know myself to be delusional. Irrational. Manipulative. Thus I cannot trust myself and if I cannot trust myself I trust everyone else and go with their views of me. Which fits in with the BPD catalogue, anyway. I adapt to my surroundings. Become what I am perceived to be. Because I need other people to perceive me in order to be.

So... I try to mirror someone who holds a mirror to me? I can't escape what I see and what I see is contradictory and it is pleased to hear its own name and it wants things which it knows it cannot have.

...and that makes things tough. Because now here I am, slowly accepting myself as a fractured individual. Someone who compartmentalized her sexual desires vs her fear and hatred of sex. As someone who yearns to be cared for vs someone who has experienced homelessness and refuses to allow ourselves to rely on another person in order to survive. As someone who wants to push people away vs someone who wants to hold them close. As someone who wants to die vs someone who wants to live. As someone who wants to live openly and embrace the term plural vs someone who wants to repress it and reject it and hide.

I keep telling myself I am not allowed to openly "embrace" myself until I receive a diagnosis and my present therapist seems rather uninterested in exploring the possibility. They gave me a DES-II and did not even comment on the results. I feel toyed with by someone who refuses to engage or educate, as if I am stuck with a caseworker whose job is to report to insurance so I may get my surgery and medication. It is frustrating.

I use the tags because I know the joy I feel when Daja calls me by the right names. I use the tags because I do not want to feel like the actions and opinions of myself as Dawn should impact the way Cammie is perceived. I use the tags because it flies under the radar and lets me express without stating a truth. I use the tags because I like to know Daja can see me, even when I post online.

And to be honest? I wrote all of that above because I'd convinced myself no one would click the readmore and I'd be safe just pretending to be "Sub, Domme and Mentally Ill" tags.

Anyway. I shared way more than I'm comfortable with. I'll suppress the urge to delete it after I press post.

Update: Hey! I'm not ready to talk about it publicly but you'll never GUESS what I got diagnosed this year >.>;;;

#dawn asks #bpd #watch me post my trauma in public #mental health topics #personal #like EXTREMELY personal #hypnokink #did

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ahaura · 1 month

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im sure its been said already but as the election draws near more and more liberals will come out of the woodwork to shame people with a conscience to give away their vote to the democrats for free. i'm already seeing posts saying "why aren't people more concerned about a trump presidency?" you want to know why? it's because people already know he's bad. everyone already knows what he is and what he's done and what he'll do. there's nothing to discuss. he's a racist despotic worm of a man. there's nothing else to say.

biden is currently president. the genocide is happening under his watch. he's the one funding isra*l and arming them; he's sidestepped congress more than once to give them weapons. by oct. 27, the biden administration already knew that "Israel was regularly bombing buildings without solid intelligence that they were legitimate military targets." the state department/biden have engaged in atrocity propaganda, cast doubt on the legitimacy of the death toll recorded by the gaza health ministry, and so on. the united states is currently in the process of trying to pin the "war in gaza" on netanyahu (see sen. schumer's speech) after months of backing blatant genocide as a means to act as if they're "doing something" about the genocide (Instead of, say, threatening to cut off all aid to israel with the condition that all hostilities in gaza, the west bank, and occupied jerusalem are halted immediately and permanently, allowing palestinians freedom to travel, allowing aid into gaza, etc etc etc.)

the long and short of it is that liberals view their own lives as being worth more than palestinians'. that's it. they'll vote for another 4 years of the guy ushering in genocide and supporting apartheid + settler colonialism because he isn't outright attacking them (despite various laws and rulings happening both at the supreme court level and at the local level all over the country that will endanger people). they'll settle for the illusion of safety and security and shame anyone with a conscience and accuse them of "supporting the republicans" when in an actual democracy you would be able to use your vote as leverage to extract concessions from those who want to be elected. that's how it's supposed to fucking work.

democrats are not owed people's vote. if biden loses, it will be biden's fault; it will be his campaign's fault; it will be the democrats' fault. trump is bad; the republicans are bad. we already know this. this is not an endorsement of either. but if democrats are too cowardly and feckless and servile to the motivations of the american empire and never do anything for their constituents then why the fuck should anyone vote for them. you want to get mad at someone, why don't you do something useful and stop worrying about team-sports with a purely selfish basis and start hounding the people in power who are supposed to serve you, the voter.

#i think i already said this and frankly idc #uspol #📁.zip #to me personally it's abhorrent and vile to tell palestinians 'biden is facilitating the murder of your people culture and history but you #still have to vote for him!!1' like how is that not unbelievably callous and ghoulish #frankly speaking. a lot of this 'you should be concerned about trump' is going to turn into #blaming palestinians and arabs and muslims and anyone remotely with a conscience for biden's loss #instead of doing something productive like pushing for people in power to do something they'll nitpick and belittle #and tell palestinians + arabs and muslims + everyone who understands that genocide is bad that they SHOULD #settle for a decrepit genocidal monstrous freak who is CURRENTLY facilitating genocide because #it makes THEM feel better and they aren't personally threatened (yet) by the guy currently in power #any and all 'you're not taking trump seriously' comments should be met with extreme skepticism #because i promise i PROMISE that the vast majority of people unhappy with biden are not going to turn around and vote for trump #and if they do? well guess what THAT'S BIDEN'S FAULT! nevermind the vote uncommitted campaign that was very successful and #will be replicated in the near future. but liberals only care about asthetics and superficial and not #about real material change which is why they'll dress up their callousness and racism in a 'you hate gay people if you dont vote for biden'#like this country is already going to shit we are rapidly descending into fascism and i dont see biden doing anything to even remotely #challenge it do you???? once agian. NOT an endorsement of the republican party but my GOD when the 'lesser evil'#is DOING the evil or normalizing the evil then you cannot settle for 'the lesser'! end of story.

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