#like everything that makes life worth living for me is going to die unless someone does something

[lorcandidlucienwill]

A compilation of sassy Lucien

“My apologies, lady. I’m Lucien. Courtier and emissary. Your eyes are like stars, and your hair like burnished gold.” “Then you’ve got your work cut out for you, old son. I’m sure her life will be a fine replacement for Andras’s—maybe she can even train with the others on the border.”

“I told you so, Tamlin. Your skills with females have definitely become rusty in recent decades.”

“Well, you don’t look half as bad now. A relief, I suppose, since you’re to live with us. Though the tunic isn’t as pretty as a dress.” “We’re not going to bite.” “Won’t you stay for wine?” “It’s been a few decades since I last saw one of you, but you humans never change, so I don’t think I’m wrong in asking why you find our company to be so unpleasant, when surely the men back home aren’t much to look at.” “True. But indulge me: you’re a human woman, and yet you’d rather eat hot coals than sit here longer than necessary. Ignoring this, surely we’re not so miserable to look at. Unless you have someone back home. Unless there’s a line of suitors out the door of your hovel that makes us seem like worms in comparison.”

“Were you admiring my sword, or just contemplating killing me, Feyre?” “So young, and so grave. And a skilled killer already.” “We also dance with the spirits under the full moon and snatch human babes from their cradles to replace them with changelings—” “No ash arrows today, unfortunately.” “Well, you certainly have the quiet part of hunting down." “Well? No game good enough for you to slaughter? We’ve passed plenty of squirrels and birds.” “Tamlin said as much, which was no doubt why he brought you here. Or maybe you looked so pathetic in those rags that he took pity on you.” “So, when are you going to start trying to persuade me to beseech Tamlin to find a way to free you from the Treaty’s rules?” “Well, thank the Cauldron that you didn’t. Cleaning up that mess would have ruined the rest of my day.” “Would you like me to teach you how to wield a blade, or do you already know how, oh mighty mortal huntress? If you took down Andras, you probably don’t need to learn anything. Only where to aim, right?” “I suppose you humans are such hateful cowards that you would have wet yourself, curled up, and waited to die if you’d known beyond a doubt what Andras truly was.” “Back off? Back off while you seal our fates and ruin everything? I stayed with you out of hope, not to watch you stumble. For someone with a heart of stone, yours is certainly soft these days. The Bogge was on our lands—the Bogge, Tamlin! The barriers between courts have vanished, and even our woods are teeming with filth like the puca. Are you just going to start living out there, slaughtering every bit of vermin that slinks in?” “I had to go sort out some hotheads on the northern border—official emissary business. I got back in time to hear your little spat with Tam, and decided I was safer up here. I’m glad to hear your human heart has warmed to me, though. At least I’m not on the top of your killing list.” “I’ll be conveniently hunting on the grounds, and with my superior hearing, I might be feeling generous enough to listen if someone screams from the western woods. But it’s a good thing I had no role in telling you to go out today, since Tam would eviscerate anyone who told you how to trap a Suriel; and it’s a good thing I had planned to hunt anyway, because if anyone caught me helping you, there would be trouble of a whole other hell awaiting us. I hope your secrets are worth it.” “I might die of surprise. You made a joke, Feyre.” “Well, I’m late for something incredibly important." “If I offer you the moon on a string, will you give me a kiss, too?” “Unfortunately for you and your neck, tonight’s just a party.” “So there’s singing and dancing and excessive drinking. And dallying,” he added with a wicked grin. “I’ll have you know that while you two were dancing with the spirits, I was stuck on border patrol. With some company.” "I'm trying to eat." “What do you know about anything? You’re just Amarantha’s whore.” “Those clothes are enough to convince me I never want to enter the human realm.” Lucien told her to go back to the shit-hole she’d crawled out of. “Fixed—as pert and pretty as before.” “I’ve seen enough of you through that gown to last a lifetime.” You might as well look good if you’re going to arm yourself to the teeth. “Isn’t that what all human women wish for? A handsome faerie lord to wed and shower them with riches for the rest of their lives?” “If you expect our gratitude, you’ll be waiting a while, Ianthe.” “Whatever you’re planning, it’ll land us knee-deep in shit.” “I knew. I knew you were lying the moment you unleashed that light in Hybern. My friend at the Dawn Court has the same power—her light is identical. And it does not do whatever horseshit you lied about it doing.” “You have the gall to question my priorities regarding Elain—yet what was your motive where I was concerned? Did you plan to spare me from your path of destruction because of any genuine friendship, or simply for fear of what it might do to her?”

#lucien vanserra #pro lucien vanserra #the man the myth the legend #high lord lucien #high king lucien #lucien spell cleaver #he's my bbg #sassy #king of the rizz #feycien #elucien

[mxyirin]

Yandere! Dazai Osamu

― 𝗦𝗨𝗜𝗖𝗜𝗗𝗔𝗟 𝗠𝗔𝗡𝗜𝗔𝗖

▸dazai loved suicide

▸and that's what he was doing when he met you

▸he jumped off the rooftop and landed

▸right in front of you

▸"oh my-" you said as you went closer to him

▸"are you alright?" you held his hand in yours as tears brimmed in your eyes

▸the brunette awkwardly looked at you

▸he hadn't expected to meet anyone when he was on a way to suicide

▸and he just happened to land in front of the prettiest person he had laid his eyes on

▸"should i call-"

▸before you could continue, he moved as he let out a groan

▸and in a blink of an eye, he held your hands

▸eyes sparkling and a blush present on his cheeks

▸"hello, gorgeous!"

▸"umm, hello?" you answered still confused

▸"i am dazai osamu!" he introduced himself and continued:

▸"would you like to commit a double suicide with me?"

▸hearing the brunette's offer you were shocked

▸"why..." you continued holding his hands, "would you want to die?"

▸almost as if life had gotten sucked out of his body, the smile on his face disappeared and he held a blank look in his eyes

▸if you weren't so focused on his answer, his sudden change would've scared you

▸"then tell me, is there anything in this life worth living for?"

▸"mhmm!" you nodded your head happily making him gain back his usual demeanour

▸"i live for myself!"

▸well your answer certainly stunned him before a desolate smile took place on his face

▸"then what should i live for?"

▸"if you don't have anything to live for, live for me!" you went closer to him

▸deciding to be friends with him you introduced yourself

▸"i'm [l/n] [y/n], you can call me whatever you like and i'm the person you have to live for"

▸oh what a kind soul you were

▸dazai thought to himself

▸and that's how your friendship with dazai started

▸you didn't know much about him

▸but he knew pretty much everything about you

▸being someone from the port mafia, especially a higher up certainly had its perks

▸who you met, for how long you met, where you met, where you lived, everything

▸he knew everything

▸and he still pretended to be a lonely lost boy in front of you to gain your attention

▸your attention was something he craved

▸and he wasn't willing to share it with anyone

▸whenever you paid attention to someone he made it his duty to discard them

▸of course, he wouldn't kill people unless absolutely necessary

▸after all, you were smart and you might connect the dots that he covered so meticulously

▸never let his affection go beyond your personal preference

▸he respects you

▸but that doesn't mean he won't go against others

▸well, you did say some affectionate words for him, right?

▸live for me, you said

▸now take responsibility

▸forever

▸because dazai's never leaving you

#yandere #dazai osamu #bungou stray dogs #yandere dazai #x reader #dazai x reader #anime #yandere anime

[noforkingclue]

No Questions Asked (Laszlo Kreizler x reader) Chapter 17

No Questions Asked tag list: @fandom-lover-4, @ajeff855, @booksarekindaneat, @greeneyedblondie44

Everything tag list: @greenrevolutionary, @byebyebreezywrites, @spngingerbread21, @layazul, @lov3vivian, @simonsbluee

You stuck your hands in your pockets as you walked down the streets of New York. People pushed passed you and didn’t bother giving you a second glance. People never sparred you a second glance. To ‘respectable society’ you were invisible.

Well, unless they wanted something.

“Hey, Doc.”

You paused and looked around to see who call your name. Your eyes lit when you saw Polly and she beckoned you over. You dashed into the alley she was hiding in and she said,

“I saw him again.”

“Pol,” you gave her a disapproving look, “I thought I told you not to. He isn’t good for you.”

“Huh? What?”

“Your,” you waved a hand and scrunched your nose as you tried to find the right word, “companion. Man.”

“Doc-“

“I told you what I thought of him and it’s your choice.”

“Doc.”

“Now it’s your choice whether you listen to me or not but-“

“Y/n,” Polly hissed, “will you shut the fuck up and listen to me.”

You froze at the use of your actual name. Polly hardly ever used your name and never in public.

“By him I meant John Smith,” said Polly, “looking for business.”

“You weren’t interested?”

“Not that desperate,” Polly jerked her head down the alley, “he went that way. If you’re quick you might catch him.”

“Right,” you gave Polly a bright smile, “thanks Pol. If you want to stay at mine feel free.”

“Thanks Doc but I’ve still got the night ahead of me,” Polly winked at you and wrapped her shawl around her, “might catch up with you later. Oh, and Doc?”

“Yeah.”

“Be careful.”

The unusually serious tone of Polly’s voice and made you pause. You smiled faintly and nodded before saying,

“I feel like that’s something I should be saying that to you. I’ll catch up with you later ok?”

You dashed off down the alley not hearing what Polly called after you. There were a few people but they didn’t pay you much attention. Unless you could give them something people had little interest in you. It didn’t take you long to find him. He was talking to another one of the girls who was giving him a suspicious look. Her gaze drifted over to you and she looked between you and the man. John, seeing that she wasn’t paying him any attention looked over his shoulder and made eye contact with you.

Which caused him to take off running.

He pushed the girl out of the way, causing her to give out a shout. You had to ignore her this time as you took off running after him. You’d make sure to make it up to her later but now you had more important things to do. John looked behind you and grimaced when he saw you running after him.

“Wait,” you said, “just wait. I have some questions for you.”

“Like fuck you do. I know who you are.”

“Yeah, no surprise there, most people do.”

“And I know who you’re working for.”

Ah. Now that was new.

“Oh do you? And how do you know that?”

The two of you slowed down and you leant against the wall to catch your breath. John Smith was giving you a suspicious look and you smirked.

“So, someone’s been leaking information. Who?” you asked

“It’s more than my life is worth to tell you.”

John backed away but you were quicker. You lurched forward and grabbed his wrist tightly.

“More people could die,” you hissed, “More children. Can you really live with that on your conscience?”

“If I tell you anything I wouldn’t live long enough for it to weigh me down.”

“Then you shouldn’t have an issue telling me. Now why don’t you- OOF!”

To your surprise his fist connected with your stomach. You gasped for air and let go of John’s wrist as he darted away. You slumped against the alley wall as you struggled to take in air. Of course this wasn’t the first time you had been punched but somehow you weren’t expecting it.

“Doctor.”

A warm hand was placed on your shoulder and you looked up into a familiar face.

“Moore,” you gasped, “What a-“

You were cut off by a coughing fit. Moore frowned slightly and you waved a hand at him.

“I’ve had worse.” You said

“Sounds like it.”

“What are you doing here?”

You slid down to the ground and looked up at him.

“Following up on a lead,” he said, “Laszlo said you had an idea and wanted me to check it out.”

“Did he?”

“You sound surprised.”

“Wasn’t actually expecting anyone to take me seriously.”

Moore offered you his hand which you took gratefully.

“Why don’t I buy you a drink,” he said, “And you can let me know of any other information that you might’ve found out. You’ve got to have a bit more faith in us. We’re all on the same side now.”

#fanfiction #the alienist #reader insert #laszlo kreizler #laszlo kreizler x reader

[spine-buster]

To Sail Beyond the Sunset ft. Sidney Crosby | Chapter 3

gif credit @/maljic

A/N: very long flashback scenes in this one...

Okay. June was acting suspicious.

There were so many classes where she had to stay late now. There were so many “extra lessons”. Sid understood that they’d all just had their auditions and they wanted to perfect everything, but it was all still…well, suspicious. June had always been clear from the start with her girls and their parents about how she valued school, sleep, social time, and the girls living normal lives outside of dance, so it was weird to him that, all of the sudden, she was taking on extra lessons that went later than normal. June had those rules and worked that way because she hardly got those things when she was growing up and going through dance.

Sidney kept telling himself that June had never lied to him before; she’d always been honest and upfront about everything. That’s how their relationship was, how it had always been. He had zero reason to think she was lying. That is, until he thought about how principled she was in not having ballet take over someone’s life like it took over hers. So, to Sid, it was very weird of her to suddenly back out of that principle.

June never lied to him. However, she did lie to others. Most notably Miss Hockley. Well, she lied to Miss Hockley once, and Sidney didn’t think it ever happened again.

1999.

When it was apparent that June was miles ahead of the other girls in dance class, and that nobody could be at her level, Miss Hockley searched for a better, more classically trained former ballerina or ballet-company-adjacent teacher to instruct her daughter and make her the best. Choices were few and far in between in Atlantic Canada, let alone Halifax, but Miss Hockley found her person: enter Yulia Nikolaev, a Russian-American former first soloist at the American Ballet Theatre who had married rich before her husband died and she retired to Halifax. She ran very small, very intense, and very exclusive ballet classes in Halifax. After June’s audition with her, to see if Yulia would even take her on, Yulia approached Miss Hockley. “With me,” she said, “your daughter will be the next great prima ballerina.”

Yulia was intense. Yulia demanded the best. Yulia demanded results, and Yulia got results. With Yulia, it was ballet 24/7. It was investing your entire life into ballet – your time, energy, resources, money, everything. “When you invest, you become the best,” she’d constantly say to June. Miss Hockley was practically foaming at the mouth. She loved it; she loved the methods Yulia used and the demands she had of her students. They were on the same page about most things, including training, technique, hours put in, and more. It was all worth it when Miss Hockley could see June rise to the top of Yulia’s small, exclusive class too. Within a year, June was – once again – miles ahead of everybody else. Her turns were exquisite, her balance to die for, her technique was as if she’d been dancing for ten years.

Yulia even made each of her students and parents sign a contract that outlined rules and expectations. A certain number of hours per week. Pointe shoes would be provided. No tardiness for class. No performing or auditioning for other studios. No competitions unless Yulia entered you. No short hair. No extravagant nails.

No ice skating.

But that didn’t stop Sidney and June.

It had to be done in secret, of course. Both were very well aware of the rule in the contract June and her mom signed. Hell, even Troy and Trina were made aware of it thanks to Miss Hockley. “June is not allowed to skate. She can’t go skating with Sid. Do not let her skate.” It was in there because skating could always cause injury, especially to the ankles, and strong ankles were a ballerina’s best friend. June couldn’t remember the last time she skated, because so much of her time was dedicated to dance. She must have been four of five the last time it happened, and it must have been on a school field trip or something. She remembered Sid being able to skate circles around all the other kids because his parents had already started him in hockey, and he’d been out on the ice with his dad, too. When June would be able to go to his games at local arenas, she was always amazed at how fluid he was on the ice and how he made it look so easy. She’d definitely embarrass herself now, but even then, she could never really embarrass herself in front of Sid.

Sidney had hidden the extra pair of skates in his bag. They were his from a few years ago that he’d outgrown, that his parents were keeping in case his new baby sister Taylor ever took up hockey, too. They were walking to the local rink together, their feet moving faster than normal. “Are you excited?” Sidney asked.

June nodded, her scarf and toque covering half her face. “I don’t know how to put them on, though.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll help you with that,” he said confidently. “I think you’ll be great because you have really good balance.”

“I hope so,” June lamented. “I don’t want to be falling on my butt the entire time.”

When they got to the arena, just in time for the opening of the public skating hours, Sid took June near the side where the benches were to put on her skates. She watched as he shoved her foot in them, tightening up the laces and tying them tight. So many people said hi to Sidney – regulars at the arena, no doubt – and he greeted them all politely. June even watched as some of the local boys – boys who played on opposing teams – saw him and looked like they were going to say something, but when they saw her, it shut them up. She glared at all of them, knowing exactly the kinds of things they were saying and doing to Sid on and off the ice. If it were up to her, she’d deck each and every single one of them.

“Okay, you’re ready,” Sidney announced as he finished tying her skates. “Stand up on them and get used to it while I put on mine. It won’t take long.”

June did as she was told, holding her arms out to help balance at first, but she got used to the feeling after a few seconds. Sidney was putting on his skates at rapid speed. “You have to make sure I don’t get hurt,” she said, her nerves getting the best of her. She was excited to do this, but knew of the dangers.

“I promise,” Sidney said, not even looking at her. “You can hold on to me the entire time if you want.”

“I might have to if I’m not as good as you.”

“That’s okay,” he said. “It’s not rocket science, Junebug. All you’ve gotta do is try to glide. That’s it.”

She gulped when he stood in his skates. “Ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

A couple more people said hello to Sid as he and June made their way to the rink door. There were already a lot of families out on the ice, but when Sid stepped on the ice, a majority of their heads turned his way. June could see them all. She got nervous. “Come on, Junebug. I promise it won’t be bad. Step sideways onto the ice, like this,” he showed her with his foot.

June knew she had to overcome her fear, so she took a deep breath and stepped out onto the ice. Sidney held out his hands and she grabbed them instinctively. “How does it feel?” he asked.

“Slippery.”

He laughed. “Just go like this,” he said, letting go of her and showing her what she had to do with his feet. “You can hang on to me until you get the hang of it.”

She did what she saw. Bend her knees, lift off with one foot, and then switch to the other. In no time at all, she found herself skating – not like Sid, of course, but at least she was moving on the ice. “Ha!” she let out enthusiastically. “Look at me! I’m skating!”

“Come catch me, June!”

Sid and June skated for the full public skating hours. They skated until most of the other families packed it up and left. June didn’t think she’d ever had this much fun in her entire life. She never went as fast as Sid but she didn’t have to; with them playing games and doing their laps around the ice, June was having the time of her life catching him, crashing into him, and so much more. She didn’t think the smiles on hers or Sidney’s faces ever left, and they were in a constant state of laugher and giggles. A part of her wondered if skating was always this fun, and if it was this fun for others, too. She felt like she missed out on so much never skating, especially in Halifax, especially in Canada, especially in the winter. She was sure her cheeks were a rosy red from her smiling and giggling.

“I’m coming! Watch out!” she screamed as she hurled herself towards Sidney.

Sid caught her in his arms and laughed his brains out at the noise she made when she crashed into him. He couldn’t even keep track of how many times she’d done so. He really needed to teach her how to stop. “Junebug, how about—”

“GET OFF THE ICE NOW!!!!!”

The voice was deep and guttural, unlike anything Sidney or June had heard before. Still holding on to each other, they whipped their heads towards the rink door, only to see Miss Hockley standing in her winter jacket. Her face was red with rage, her eyes wide as she stared daggers at her daughter on the ice. Sidney watched as all the colour drained from June’s face as she realized who it was. “Oh no,” she whispered, her voice full of fear.

“Junebug—”

“—She’s going to kill me.”

“No she won’t.”

“NOW, JUNIPER!!!”

“I got this,” Sidney whispered back to her.

“Sid—”

“—I got this Junebug, don’t worry,” he assured her once more before they let go of each other slightly. Sidney started to skate and he held June’s hand, pulling her with him as he moved. As he got closer, he could really see how livid Miss Hockley was. He took a deep breath. He didn’t even know what he was going to say, but he knew he was going to take the fall for it.

“This is what you call studying for your math test, huh?!” Miss Hockley demanded to June once they were in earshot. “You filthy little liar.”

“Mom—”

“—It’s my fault, Miss Hockley,” Sid intervened, squeezing on June’s hand to try to signal to her to stay quiet. “We were studying, but then I wanted to take a break, and—and—and I was the one who suggested skating and—”

“I don’t want to hear it, Sidney,” Miss Hockley dismissed him, grabbing June by her other arm and tugging her so harshly she tripped up on the platform and almost fell. “June knows she’s not allowed to skate and she did anyway,” she said before looking down at her daughter. “After everything I do for you,” she laid the guilt on quickly. The tears had already started welling up in June’s eyes. “After everything I do for you to be in dance classes, you lie to me and go skating?! Don’t you realize I’m working at the supermarket for you?! For your dance classes?!—”

“—Mommy, I swear—”

“—You’re a little liar and a cheat—”

“—Mom, I’m sorry—”

“—You just wait until we get home,” Miss Hockley’s voice was so hostile and nasty, even Sidney felt threatened. “Now take those God forsaken skates off your feet.”

Miss Hockley practically dragged June through the arena and towards the benches as she cried. Sidney got off the ice and followed them, not wanting June to think she was alone. She cried as she unlaced the skates, cried as she pulled them off her feet, cried as on-lookers watched the scene. She was so embarrassed. She’d been having so much fun, and then it all came crashing down.

“Miss Hockley, I swear that it was my fault,” Sidney tried to continue as June unlaced the second skate. “If you’re going to be angry at anybody, you can be angry at me. I made June skate. I don’t think she should get in trouble for something I made her do.”

“Juniper knows exactly what she can and can’t do. She signed a contract and she knows that she can’t skate. I don’t care how much you made her do it, Sidney – Juniper knows she is not allowed to skate. She made the decision to do it and now there’s going to be consequences.”

“But Miss Hockley—”

“—I’ll be calling your mom and dad about this too, don’t you worry,” she said, picking up the skates and tossing them in his bag without any care. “If you ever help June lie again—”

“—You’re not listening to me!” Sidney exclaimed, surprising even himself with his anger towards Miss Hockley. “It was me! It was all me!”

“Enough, Sidney,” Miss Hockley dismissed him as she tugged June up once she had her boots on and dragged her out of the arena.

Sidney was too shocked to move. He hadn’t even taken off his skates, so there was no way he could follow them out and to the parking lot to their car or if they walked along the sidewalk. All he could do was hope for the best, and ignore all the eyes watching him. ***

Sidney was waiting to be tucked into bed when he heard his mom speaking to someone on the phone. The person on the other end of the receiver was speaking so loudly that Sidney could hear their voice, though he couldn’t make out the words. His mom, pacing around the house, was saying variances of “Mhmm” and “Yes” and “Okay” through whatever the other person was saying.

“Alright…alright….yes, we’ll talk to him about it…well no…no, she was safe. Sidney would have never let her fall.”

Sidney knew automatically then than Miss Hockley was on the other line. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end as he tried to listen more to what his mom was saying. “No, I won’t be grounding him. Troy and I will be talking to him, don’t worry…She’s been grounded?…One week of no TV? I think that’s more than enough…okay…okay…yes, goodnight.”

Sidney waited with baited breath until he heard his mom knock softly on his door. “Come in,” he said.

His mom opened the door, and upon seeing him already in bed, smiled. She closed the door half way before walking over to his bed and sitting on the edge. “A little birdy told me you went on a field trip today,” Trina said, her voice not nearly as serious as Sidney thought it would be.

He nodded his head. “I took June skating. She’d never been skating before.”

“Never?”

“She’s not allowed to because it’s in her dance contract that she can’t skate,” Sidney said. “But we went during public hours. She was wearing my old skates. We were having so much fun, mom, and she didn’t fall at all! But then somehow Miss Hockley found out, and mom – she screamed at us. I’ve never heard her voice sound like that.”

“She found you out on the ice?”

“Yeah. And so we had to go. June was so nervous. And then when we got to Miss Hockley, she pulled June off the ice and called her a liar and a cheat and—”

“Miss Hockley said that to June?” Trina asked.

Sidney nodded. “I tried to take the blame so June wouldn’t get in trouble but Miss Hockley wouldn’t listen to me. Am…am I in trouble, mom?”

Trina couldn’t help but chuckle slightly, running her hand through her son’s hair. “No Sid, you’re not in trouble,” she assured him. “But you do have to realize that June can’t do some things that you can. It’s just the way things are.”

Sidney sighed. “But it’s unfair for her.”

“I know it is, sweetie,” Trina lamented with him. “But unfortunately, sometimes we live in a not-so-fair world. June has to be really careful because of ballet. I don’t think you would want her to work so hard as she does and then have it all fall away because of a freak accident or something.”

June did work hard. And she was put through so much by her mom and dance teachers that he knew he couldn’t ruin anything for her. Sidney nodded his head. “I get it.”

“Anything else I should know about? Any other places you two went to today?” Trina asked.

“No. Just the rink.”

“Well, alright,” she said, leaning over to give him a quick kiss on the forehead. “Sleep tight, sweetheart.”

Miss Hockley had kept her promise – no TV for June for a week. Instead, she made her train more. And when June went over Sidney’s within that time period, she didn’t watch TV at his house, either. She probably thought her mom was going to burst through the door and check. Sidney even saw the small bruises that were left on June’s forearm from where Miss Hockley had grabbed her and pulled her off the ice before dragging her through the arena. The incident and their relationship were why Sidney thought June would never lie to him. And he was confident in that. Always.

Most of the time.

Usually.

***

June was acting suspicious. But she knew so. And she knew it appeared so to Sidney. When she told him the first time that she had to stay late at work for “extra lessons”, she saw the look on his face. She saw the gears shifting. She saw him struggling with whether to believe her and trust her because he’d never not trusted her before, or whether to get to the bottom of it.

For her part, June knew she didn’t have a lot of time. She knew Sidney would figure it out soon enough.

It’s not like June liked lying to Sid. It just had to be done. She couldn’t tell him anything yet, because she wasn’t sure herself of…well, everything. She knew better than to count her chickens before they hatched. She didn’t do it often, if ever, and when she did, she hated doing it. The only time she lied to him, that she could recollect, was when he asked why she and her fiancé, Cameron Currie, split up.

2015.

“I can’t do this anymore, June,” Cameron finally said, exasperated, tired, unable to fight anymore with his fiancé. They’d been fighting a lot lately – too much – and it all came to a blow tonight, where a small argument blew up into a nuclear war.

“You can’t do what?” June asked.

Cameron stood there, silent. Chest heaving from yelling. Looking at her. Wanting her to realize what he was saying. “This. Us. I can’t do us anymore,” he pointed between them.

With the words being said out loud, any anger that was in June’s body dissipated. “What do you mean?”

“I can’t keep doing this,” he said, trying to keep his words as simple as possible. “I can’t keep pretending you love me as much as you love Sid.”

The words were like daggers to June’s heart. “I—I don’t—”

“We can’t keep kidding ourselves, June. I love you, and you love me. I know that, but—but you’ll never love me the same way you love Sid. You just won’t. We can’t keep going on pretending like you can. I thought I’d get there. I thought it would change. But it hasn’t. And it won’t. And I can’t…I can’t do this anymore.” ***

“You guys what?!” Sidney exclaimed, having a full-body reaction to June’s news. “You and Cameron broke up?!”

June nodded. “Yeah. The wedding’s off.”

Sidney couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Every time he was in Toronto and hung out with June, she always mentioned how good the relationship was and how happy they were together. He’d met Cameron too, of course, and liked him, thinking he was good for June. To hear that they’d split felt like the shock of the century to him. “I don’t—I mean, if you don’t mind me asking Junebug, what happened?”

June sighed and bit her bottom lip. She knew he was going to ask, but there was no way she was going to tell him the truth. No way. “We just…” she began, trying to find the words. “We just grew apart, like people do. There were, um, some things that changed and we just couldn’t work through. And it wasn’t like we didn’t try. We tried for a while and there was just never a resolution.”

June watched for Sidney’s reaction, and judging by his face, he believed her. “I’m so sorry, Junebug.”

“Thanks, Sid,” she said. “We still have love for each other. It’s what we both said. But we both realized, we both came to the conclusion together that we…well, we can’t get married.”

Sidney would come to know the truth soon enough. Either she’d tell him the truth, or he’d find out himself through an investigation on his part. Either way, June knew she’d have to apologize for her lying, apologize for keeping it a secret, apologize for not being honest with him sooner.

And Sidney, with his heart of gold, would forgive her.

#sidney crosby #sidney crosby imagine #sidney crosby fic #sidney crosby fan fic #pittsburgh penguins #pittsburgh penguins imagine #pittsburgh penguins fic #pittsburgh penguins fan fic #sidney crosby blurb #pittsburgh penguins blurb #pens imagine #pens fic #pens fan fic #nhl #nhl imagine #nhl fic #nhl fan fic #nhl blurb #hockey #hockey imagine #hockey fic #hockey fan fic #hockey blurb #to sail beyond the sunset series

[bohemian-nights]

what is your opinion on daemon and nettles? For me, they had a relationship, I don't even know where this story about her being his bastard daughter came from, who showers with their bastard daughter? daemyra stans saying that daemon died for rhaenyra, for me he went to fight with aemond because he had to see nettles leave (even caraxes felt his pain seeing her leave) someone he had a much better connection with than rhaenyra, a kinda thing he preferred to die than return to rhaenyra

Oh yeah there is no question that they were lovers. Shipping goggles aside, I really don’t see how else we are supposed to view Daemon Targaryen of all people bathing butt-naked with a young woman 🫠

I mean they were staying at a castle with maids that served them meals and fetched them their bath water along with anything else they needed. They weren’t roughing it in the great outdoors.

There was no reason for him to bathe with her. Lord Mooton would give a royal guest a five-star treatment meaning that he wouldn't be like “Hey Daemon, my dude, we are trying to conserve water over here so would you mind taking your baths with the girl you brought with you”🫠

Nettles wasn’t an invalid so she did not need assistance with bathing. Homeless≠stupid(she claimed a dragon for Pete’s sake). You’re telling me a girl who tamed a wild dragon that killed at least a dozen other dragonseeds didn’t know what soap and water were 🙃 They bathed together cause they both wanted to(it was definitely a stress reliever after a long day on dragon back 😏)

The she’s his bastard “theory” is literally nothing but cope from Dumbnyra stans who hope that they can dupe those who haven't read the books into believing their lies. Nowhere does it say that Nettles is his actual biological daughter(just that he doted on her as one might dote on their daughter):

The maester was obviously smoking crack or trying to protect Nettles’ reputation because he then goes on to mention them bathing together 🫠

She can’t be his actual daughter unless Daemon(who was banished from Westeros in late 111 AC and didn’t come back until 115 AC while Nettles was born in early 113 AC) is capable of being in two places at one time.

Daemon definitely loved Nettles more than Rhaenyra(and love you Laena, but he loved her more than you too). No other woman did he behave entirely unselfishly for. He literally had nothing to gain from her. Not money, land, or a title.

Nettles isn’t a Valyrian beauty(which in the books unlike in the show, I’m looking at you HBO for not putting Mysaria in a tacky blonde wig too, everyone he is with romantically is Valyrian). She’s not thought of as a beauty period. She’s not his typical type. She’s just young and even then she’s not as young as he has been known to go for.

She offers him nothing apart from his company and he's happy with that💅🏽 He loves her for her, not her looks, or what she can offer him. He loves her to the point where he was willing to give up everything including his life. I agree that he did what he had to do to save her.

There was no way that either the Greens or Rhaenyra would let them go riding off into the sunset together undisturbed. Someone would've been sent to look for them. They could not hide forever(and hiding isn't a life worth living).

Plus Daemon at that point was tired of it all. He lived a lot, he'd seen a lot, and done a lot. In the end, he just wanted to make sure Nettles was alive and safe and he accomplished that goal at the expense of everyone else including Rhaenyra and potentially himself(I am clinging to the hope of him surviving the battle and finding his way back to his Netty🧘🏽‍♀️). A true romance if I've ever seen one🤷🏽‍♀️

#dettles #it’s canon #😊 #haters are still gonna hate and deny though #house of the dragon #hotd #nettles #daemon targaryen #bnask #bnasks #netty #daemon x nettles #dettles asks #daemon targaryen x nettles #hotd spoilers #nettles x daemon

[yellowjackles]

jake peralta one-shots chapter two: threats

summary: jake gets threatening phone calls from an enemy and they make him do things that piss everyone off, until one day he is taken by them. there's a ton of angst but fluff at the end!

--

All Jake wanted was a break.

He and Rosa had been working nonstop in what seemed to be an unsolvable case. But they’d been detectives for a while, so they knew that at some point the answer would come around. At the moment, though, Jake would spend most of the time thinking about the case, stressed, and no matter what the conversation was, he managed to end up talking about it and how frustrating it was becoming.

Amy put an end to his paranoia when she surprised him with Die Hard and pizza that night. He really needed to relax. He deserved to. And there was no better way to do it other than spending a night watching his favorite movie with his favorite food and his favorite person.

But Jake didn’t get to relax. “I’m just gonna change my shirt,” he said loudly as he entered their bedroom.

“Okay!” Amy yelled back, waiting for him at the living room.

There was this feeling of excitement in his chest. Amy always knew how to comfort him when a case had him all tense and anxious. It had been a looong week.

Jake had only taken his shirt off when his phone rang. For a second, he imagined it would be Rosa, telling him she’d finally solved the case, and then he chastised himself for immediately going there.

But now – it was a number he didn’t recognize. Jake ignored it and rejected the call, then opening his drawer to pick a shirt. And again, his phone rang.

The same number. Jake rolled his eyes, who was bothering him? He rejected it again, but the third time it rang, a weird feeling of anxiety took over him. What if it did have something to do with the case? What if it was someone calling him to tell him a friend or family was injured?

If it was just an extortionist, he could simply hang up. “Hello?” Jake said after finally picking up the phone.

“Detective Jake Peralta.”

Jake frowned. The voice was distorted, too low. It was somebody trying to hide their identity. “Who’s calling?”

“You’re the reason Marco Silva is in jail.”

Jake’s stomach sank. This couldn’t be good news. “What do you want?”

“I want you to pay back.”

“Who—”

“I’m watching you, Peralta. I’m watching you and your girlfriend. I know all your relatives. I know who you care for, I know who you don’t want getting hurt.”

Jake’s hands were suddenly sweaty, trembling. He couldn’t believe this was happening. “We don’t need to… you don’t have to do this. Let’s discuss this, alright?”

“I didn’t call to negotiate. I called to tell you that I’m getting back at you. I’m going to make your life miserable.”

Jake felt sick. “Okay—don’t…” he took a deep breath, his mind racing with horrible thoughts. “Don’t hurt anyone. Please. I don’t… what do you want me to do?”

“You can start by labelling the case you’re working on as a cold case.”

Jake gulped. “But… it’s not.”

“Don’t you think I know that? Why don’t you fuck it up? Do whatever, just make everyone forget about it.”

“I don’t get to label the cases, I only—”

“God, you are stupid, aren’t you? I’m telling you, do whatever you have to, as long as it remains unsolved. Unless you want me to hurt Amy Santiago.”

Jake’s heart skipped a beat. “No. No, no – don’t you dare. Don’t even say her name.”

As if on cue, Amy’s voice came from the living room. “Babe? Everything okay?”

Jake stared at his phone. Whoever called him had hung up. Jake’s stomach felt uneasy, and the thought of having to go to the living room and pretend everything was okay sounded like a nightmare.

“Yup!” he screamed back, but his voice was all shaky. Amy would figure that something was wrong as long as she saw him. And if she knew, her life could be in danger.

“Alright, think,” Jake told himself, breathing quickly.

Nobody could know about that. Maybe he should just obey. Dropping a case – that wasn’t so hard, was it? It was definitely worth it, if it meant saving his loved ones’ lives.

Jake made his way to the living room and felt worse when he saw the movie was ready to start playing, snacks all over the coffee table. The living room smelled of pizza and candy. And Amy was there, under a duvet, laughing at some picture on her phone. Usually, that would have been Jake’s heaven. But that phone call had taken it all away so suddenly.

“Hey, what took so long?” Amy asked him softly, making room for him on the couch.

“Um, Ames…”

“Something wrong?” she asked, and like Jake predicted, clearly she was already onto him.

“Yeah, I don’t feel so well,” he lied nervously. “I think I’m just too tired. Maybe we could leave this for some other day.”

The disappointment on Amy’s face broke his heart. “Seriously? But… I mean, if you’re too tired, I shouldn’t push you. But I thought this would help you relax.”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s just… I don’t know. I feel really tired.”

“Do you at least want some pizza? You love pizza.”

Jake’s appetite was dead. “I’m not hungry, Ames. I think I’m gonna go to bed…”

Amy seemed surprised. “Alright,” she said. “Are you sure you’re okay? You look a bit pale.”

“Don’t worry, I’m fine,” Jake put on his best smile. “Sleeping will definitely make me feel better.”

Jake didn’t sleep at all, though. He flopped on their bed, laid on his side, and stared at the wall. At some point he heard Amy join him, then felt her weight on the mattress, and her fingers begin to stroke his hair. He always found that soothing, but not that night. He didn’t want anything to happen to her. Or to his mother, or Rosa, or Charles, or Gina, or Terry… there were so many people. So many.

Jake didn’t have an appetite in the morning either, but he knew Amy would get too suspicious if he didn’t eat anything.

He got a second call later in the precinct, and he felt immediately nauseous when he saw the number from the night before. He went into the records room to have some privacy.

“Yes?” he answered nervously.

“How’s that task going?”

Jake sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I just got the precinct, I haven’t even started working on the case.”

“Well, why don’t you hurry before Detective Diaz finds anything, huh?”

Jake’s stomach jumped at the mention of his friend. “I will,” he gritted out.

“I decided it won’t be enough if the case becomes a cold case. I need you to destroy the evidence.”

“What? How would I do that?”

“You figure it out. Get rid of the documents and evidence from that case. You have until the end of your shift.”

“That’s not fair!” Jake huffed, but none of that was fair to begin with. He really just wanted a break.

“Cry me a river. If it’s not done by nine—”

“I’ll do it,” Jake spat before someone else was threatened. His chest was filled with anxiety. “I’ll find a way to do it.”

“Good boy.”

They hung up. Jake wanted to smash his phone on the floor. How could he even destroy the evidence and make it look like an accident? What would Hitchcock and Scully do?

Jake remembered the time Hitchcock accidentally dropped coffee all over a case, and decided to go with that one. He got a cup of coffee from the kitchen, and then went to Rosa’s desk, wiping his sweaty hands on his jeans.

“Hey, Rosa,” he said awkwardly.

She glanced at him. “’Sup.”

“So uh… I was thinking. I could take a look at those files again. From the case.”

“What for? Did you find anything?”

“No, but… maybe I’ll find something this time.”

Rosa scowled, staring at him, and Jake felt incredibly nervous upon her gaze. The bad thing about all of his friends being detectives was that he couldn’t really hide anything from them.

“You alright, dude?” she asked. “You look like shit.”

“Ouch?”

“You can take a break from this case, you know. It’s driving you insane.”

“It’s not driving me insane,” Jake scoffed. “I just want to take a look at the files, can I not?”

Rosa scoffed too. “Fine. But I’ll check them out too. I got nothing else to do.”

Jake’s stomach turned as Rosa got the files and made her way to the briefing room. They’d gathered some data and pictures on a board, and all Jake could think of was that he’d have to ruin all of that evidence too.

He placed his coffee cup near the files on the table, then realized Rosa was saying something to him. Jake was sure that even if he’d tried, he wouldn’t have been able to pay attention.

“You sure you’re alright?” Rosa asked him. Her tone was flat as it always was, but he knew she was worried, at least enough to ask whatsoever.

“Yeah,” Jake said, frowning as if he didn’t know what she was talking about, but he was aware that he probably looked terrible because he hadn’t slept.

“Did you hear anything of what I said?”

“No…”

She rolled her eyes. “You’re the one who wanted to look at the case.”

“I’m sorry. Just tell me again.”

“Whatever. It didn’t matter.”

Rosa’s eyes then got lost in the pictures in front of them, and Jake recognized her expression: she’d just figured something out.

“Holy shit,” she muttered.

Jake then decided he couldn’t let her get any further with that, and pretended to stumble backward, dropping the coffee all over the files.

Rosa’s eyes went wide. “You idiot!”

“Sorry!” Jake stammered, and then she punched him on the arm. “Ow! That was an accident!”

Rosa growled angrily, picking the folder to check the files. “You’re lucky they’re just wet,” she huffed.

Fuck. They were still readable. He couldn’t let that happen, he couldn’t. “Let me see them,” Jake said, and tried to snatch them away from Rosa, but she held onto them, confused.

“No, dude, you already ruined them.”

“I want to see them,” Jake insisted, and pulled from the files.

Rosa pulled harder though, bewildered. “Hey, what the fuck, Jake?”

“Let me see them!” he yelled.

“You’re going to ruin them, you idiot!”

“Just give them to me!”

Suddenly, the paper ripped in half, weak because of the coffee. Rosa and Jake froze for a second, and then she glared at him furiously.

“What the fuck, Peralta?!”

Jake’s stomach twisted. Sure, this was all for his friends’ sake, but he didn’t like to put Rosa in a bad mood, as if she hadn’t been stressed about the case too.

“Oops,” Jake said dumbly.

“What’s going on in here?!” Terry’s voice boomed from behind Jake, and he startled, turning around to find his very angry sergeant.

“This idiot just destroyed all the files we had!” Rosa yelled angrily.

“Damn,” Terry said when he saw the state of the documents. “What the hell happened?”

“It was an accident!” Jake squealed.

Rosa exhaled sharply, hitting the table with her fist. “You’re so stupid sometimes,” she growled at Jake, and then stormed off.

Jake stayed there, feeling like the stupidest person in the world. Terry only gave him an odd look before walking away too, and Jake felt his phone buzz in his pocket. It was a text. Well done.

The text didn’t let Jake sleep that night either. He kept wondering how the hell did they knew he’d just destroyed the files? But at least that meant everyone would be alright.

“Babe, are you okay?”

Jake didn’t realize he’d zoned out again. He looked up at Amy, who was pouring herself some coffee. He leaned on the table of the break room, pensive.

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“You’ve been acting a bit weird since Monday.”

“No I haven’t.”

Amy huffed. “Well… Rosa was really angry because of what you did. She said it looked like you were out of it. And honestly… you do look very distracted.”

“Yeah, the case…” Jake scratched the back of his head.

“Maybe you could just let it go,” Amy suggested, sitting down next to him, and then she placed her hand on his tense own, rubbing with her thumb. “Sometimes that’s what we have to do. It won’t make you any less of the amazing detective you are.”

Jake stared at her sadly. “I love you so much.”

Amy smiled. “I love you too.”

She looked over her shoulder to check that nobody was watching and then kissed his hand. Even if they’d been dating for almost a year now, she still gave Jake butterflies, as cheesy as it sounded.

He watched her walk away to her desk, feeling the world crumble down around him. God, how he wished he didn’t care about her.

Wait… maybe that was it. He could pretend to stop caring about her. He could pretend to get in a fight with her, break up with her. As hurtful as that sounded… at least she would be fine.

Jake almost jumped on his seat when his phone rang again. He was beginning to really hate the sight of that stupid phone number on his screen.

He thought about answering with a ‘what do you want?’ but he couldn’t risk making someone who was threatening him mad. “Hello?”

“I have another task for you.”

“What is it?” Jake asked, nervous. “I got rid of the evidence, like you asked me to. Rosa dropped the case—”

“I know you and Detective Boyle are doing a bust today. I want you to injure him.”

Jake’s throat knotted. “What?”

“You heard me. Hurt him.”

“But…”

“What sounds better? Him being dead, or him having a broken leg? Your pick.”

Jake could see Charles working at his desk, with an absent-minded smile. His mind filled with awful images of his best friend being hurt.

“I get it,” Jake breathed. His stomach hurt. “I’ll… I’ll do it, but… why?”

“You don’t get to ask questions. You just follow orders. And don’t you just punch him in the face. Injured him badly.”

Before Jake could say anything else, they’d hung up again. He looked at Charles again, and his eyes teared up at the thought of anything bad happening to him. But he would be the culprit. He was the one who had to hurt him.

“Everything alright, Jakey?”

Jake snapped back to reality. Charles was at the wheel, glancing at him worriedly. “Yeah. I zoned out, sorry.”

“Don’t worry. You wanna play some music?”

“No, it’s fine. Hey, um… why don’t you tell me about your latest food obsession?”

Charles gasped excitedly, and immediately began rambling about some kind of pasta. Jake felt so bad. So, so bad. But at least he could try to butter it up for him.

Minutes later, they were knocking on the door of a man named Julius Moore. He was a fraud. “NYPD!” Charles yelled.

Julius opened the door a few seconds later. “Good morning,” he said, frowning. “What can I help you with?”

“We just want to ask a few questions,” Jake said, his hands near his handcuffs, and Julius seemed to notice, because the next thing he did was slam the door on their face.

“Shit,” Charles hissed before charging against the door to burst in.

“Freeze!” Jake demanded, but that just a habit. Criminals never obeyed.

“Where is he?!” Charles yelled as he looked around the apartment, which now seemed empty, as if Julius had vanished.

“Let’s split,” Jake suggested.

Charles nodded, and they began looking for the criminal. But Jake couldn’t help to think that his perfect chance to hurt Charles was right there. It made him feel like a monster. What would he do? Graze him with a bullet? No. No. Tackle him. Pretend you mistook him for the criminal.

Jake took a deep breath as he watched Charles go down the hallway, pointing with his gun, and then charged against him. Charles could only yelp. There was a crack.

“My leg!” Charles cried.

Jake’s heart skipped like three beats as he got off Charles, panicked. “Fuck!” his mouth was completely dry. He was lightheaded. “Charles, are you okay?!”

“Why did you do that?!” Charles whined, and Jake had never heard him talk to him like that. Everyone always joked about how Jake could probably push Charles off a stairwell and he’d forgive him anyway. But that didn’t seem to be the case.

“I’m so sorry,” Jake said, numb.

He felt Julius run behind him, and he turned around only to watch him escape through the window. “Fuck!” Jake yelled. He needed an ambulance.

Everyone was staring at him weirdly when he went back to the precinct. They definitely knew what Jake had done, and he was aware of how stupid it made him seem, not to mention he’d also ruined the evidence ‘by accident’. At that rate, he was going to get himself fired. Jake was even surprised that Holt didn’t scold him or suspend him, but he did seem pretty disappointed, which somehow felt worse.

“He really could use a day off,” he heard Terry say inside Holt’s office. “To get his head straight.”

Jake sighed and walked to his desk before he could hear Holt’s answer. It would probably be something hurtful, and he didn’t want to know. The way Amy kept glancing at him wasn’t helping, either.

“Why the long face?” Gina asked him later in the break room. “Is it because you massively screwed up two cases in the span of two days?”

Jake glared at her. “Ha-ha.”

“You’re not looking too hot, Jakester,” she noted. “Something’s up with you.”

Jake sighed. “Can everyone stop saying that? Nothing’s up. I’m just very tired.”

“That’s evident.”

He just rolled his eyes and ignored her. He knew everyone had noticed his weird behavior at this point, but they didn’t know he was just trying to keep them safe.

He got another message. Good job.

Keep reading on ao3

#jake peralta #jake peralta one shot #b99 #brooklyn 99 #brooklyn nine nine #peraltiago #fluff #angst #andy samberg #my writing

[doctorguilty]

Baddddd bad bad bad very sad

My head hurts, the pressure makes me feel like it's being squeezed and crushed by rubber bands ... from sinus inflammation and dehydration and not eating probably isn't helping

I feel like I want to cry again but I'm trying to stop myself so I won't make the pain even worse

This is only, what, a week into dst? Not even winter yet.. Seasonal affective disorder is going in for the kill this year I guess. I don't know what im going to do because I'm so tired, physically and mentally and just tired of my life, there's no fight in me left. And no one will or can help me. I'm my family's least favorite and so i get the least help, doctors won't take my health seriously, my partner needs more time, possibly more than a year, before moving in with me with me somewhere. I can't afford to live on my own. I barely have energy to keep collecting scraps of money to show as income so I can continue getting food assistance.

I had a spark of hope for a while but it feels like it was a mistake to let myself have it. How much longer can I lie to myself and say "one more year until it gets better"? I mean, I can't. That illusion is broken. So what can I tell myself? It truly feels like there's nothing. Things keep getting worse. I tried so hard, I really did. I'm exhausted. Truly utterly exhausted.

Unless anyone out there (just like, the world not @-ing Tumblr dot com) has a spare 20 grand or something they'd just hand to me to live off for "one more year" (and then some) and detox from my miserable quality of life, surviving it barely even sounds appealing knowing that my physical and mental health I'll be another year WORSE than where it is now. And even then. There's not guarantee it ends there :''') its an estimate, an "if I'm lucky" estimate and it's not even considerably lucky to be in this position.

I genuinely don't know how I'm gonna keep living like everything is fine and normal while I continue losing steam to make money, make art, care for myself (I'm already down to roughly 2 showers a week and at best 1 real meal a day because I'm so tired), to keep filling out paperwork begging for assistance (I think I'm already overdue for my food stamp update), and watching other people in my family just be handed endless help while I'm patronized with "have you considered painting Christmas ornaments for a living" and interrogated about the validity of my disabilities (which I always fail to prove good enough)

Almost everyone around me is happier than me. Almost everyone else's life is on track and I'm at best simply left behind, and at worst I was someone they stepped on to get what they needed before tossing me to the side.

My life is not only painful and exhausting but humiliating. I don't feel like a person. I don't feel important. I feel like if i did die out of the blue, nobody would say they regret helping me more like people usually say, they'd just talk about how I should have done xyz better and it's my own fault (not a s*icide threat just being hypothetical like literally if i died for any random reason)

Most of everything that's happened in my life, I feel, has validated my chronic sense of worthlessness. Everyone says I'm not but prove it. Someone prove it. Someone put me first. Sacrifice something for me (and not complain what a burden I am on them!). For once. If I wasn't worthless, well, I'd be worth it, without strings attached.

It won't happen. It never happens. I have to dance like a fucking circus animal for people and then beg on my knees I'm entertaining enough to keep alive so I can do it over and over again

#seth speaks #neg #angry parts arent vaguing tumblr ppl its mostly irl stuff like thats the issue thats where i need the most help

[i-sveikata]

Hola my dear autor Thank you so much for the amazing chapter 💯😚👌🏻Wanted to post this since long ago but let me tell you that I spent all that first Sunday reading it and when was time for go to bed I just HAD TO finish it and it was totally worth the wait. Poor Pete it was his time to insist like a looot to Vegas to finally open his eyes and not do what he was doing. Like I'm really impress with his perseverance 😅 he never give up on Vegas 🥺 but really Kan had to die so Vegas could be free of his father because 😖 he really didn't want to stop the coup not even for Pete 💔When you write that note never imagined THAT level of make up hahaha like boys there is some gunfire in the same room as you 🙄😆 but well Pete did everything in his power to deter Vegas ☹️As a favor for VegasPete 😉 absolutely not to me😉 they deserve the fuck of their lives 🤭 😉 Pete totally letting it go and being true to his desires Thank you thank you thank you for the story, I really don't want it to end, all this past months omg noooo 😭 and btw Congratulations on its first anniversary!!!🎉✨

hellllllllloooooo anon!! ah youre so very welcome and im so glad you dedicated so much time to it as soon as it was posted!! yeah poor pete he was carrying all of the common sense in that last chap trying to keep vegas from doing the stupid thing!! yeah im not sure if he would have been able to cut himself off from his dad entirely, not unless his father backed him into a corner about pete and tried to kill him in front of vegas- then i think vegas would have made his choice even if hed agonise over it for the rest of his life. this way hes still going to agonise over it but pete isnt involved in a way that would strain their relationship. omg hahahahahah they were so dumb like literally making out everywhere, pete trying to figure out if they can sneak off someone for a quickie whilst bullets are flying everywhere and ppl are dying like cmon dude focus!!! ahhaah

yeah i dont think there was any other option for pete he had to do everything in his power to try and stop him otherwise hed never be able to live with himself after. ha they totally do ur so right anon! but vegas' injuries and petes uncertain feelings are going to deter them for a bit!! promise they will get there- we all know they can't resist each other.

you're so very welcome!! oh i totally get that!! but all good things have to end eventually! im just so happy that everyone has enjoyed the ride. ahhhh thank you so much i didnt even realise this had happened until u guys mentioned the anniversary!! what a wild thought!!

#fic asks #ill fill the graveyards until i have you

[mishwanders]

Did a uquiz about literary character archetypes for my ocs and god damn did it read them + me like a book.

Elena Winters: The Caregiver

You spent a long time taking care of others. You don’t know what to do with yourself if you aren’t. You probably suck at taking care of yourself though, maybe you feel like you aren’t worthy or deserving, but deep down I know you wish to be cared for too. You want someone to show you that you are worth even just half of the effort you put into caring for other people. Don’t neglect yourself.

Elena being the one to raise her brother Ethan, living with him after Mia goes missing, going with him to go find her, literally putting her life on the line multiple times to keep them all safe and together. It’s a good thing Chris is in the mix, someones gotta remind the woman to BREATHE lol.

Sorina Spencer: The Creator

You’re scared that you will die and your entire life will just disappear into the void of history. You want to leave your mark, even if it’s just a small sign that you were here, that you were alive. You probably want it to be original to you, you’re not interested in what has already been done. You want to create something new and you won’t truly rest until it comes to fruition.

Leaving the village to create her own life, even if it gets fucked up and destroys a bunch of lives, but making amends through the winters family. Ya know, villain turned hero shit.

Ricardo Luis Santos: The Jester

Your emotions, thoughts, and feelings are obvious to see, but somehow no one sees it, right? You’re too independent for your own good. You have a tendency to over share and vent unwittingly, but you always back track and cover it up with an excuse or joke. You want someone to see that you’re hurting too, but that can’t happen unless you stop brushing everything off and letting yourself feel it. But you’re probably scared of being vulnerable, aren’t you?

Ricardo and Hunk are going to be my Bill and Frank YALL JUST WATCH ME!

Matilda Costache: The Hero

You’re pretty stubborn which isn’t always a bad thing. You tend to attach your value to your ability to help out; you feel worthless if your not of use. You can’t be strong all the time.

The oc I relate to the most, hence why I write them the most. Most of their time in the story will be trying to talk Miranda out of her insanity and saving everyone else.

#oc: elena winters #oc: sorina spencer #oc: ricardo luis santos #oc: matilda costache #series: baptism by fire #era: flames of love #era: fire walk with me #era: molded by flames #era: eternal embers #era: let the flames begin

[junkyardromeo]

thoughts on danger days. rn. 🫶🫶

everything to me. i love everything about it—the lore, the art made by fans, the outfits, the way the fucking songs sound (i could elaborate on that SO MUCH but i will spare you), etc etc. but most of all i love the statement. it's about not standing down, it's about resistance and defiance and spitting in the face of the ones who put you down, it's about individuality and independence, it's about love in the face of horrible odds, it's about being who you are no matter what, it's about dying for what you believe in even if the effort was futile, it's about not caring that the effort was futile. it's about making whatever time you have worth it. it's about a short colorful life being better than a long grey one. it's about rebellion. it's about being loud and pissed off and unapologetic. it's about just fucking knowing that you are your own person and god fucking damnit, no one can take that from you unless you're dead. fuck. i have so many thoughts about danger days. as an album, it's kind of messy and loud and obnoxious, a little incoherent, but fuck if it isn't fun. even when it's fucking sad it's still got that burning fucking drive. save yourself is all about desperation. like, fuck, dude, run. get outta here with your life, i'll hold them back and i might die but i'll do it because i love you. it's all desperate. i could write a whole fucking dissertation on na na na and the fucking "everybody wants to change the world but no one wants to die" line. i could write a fucking essay on the themes of running away. fuck them because they're telling us who to be, fuck. FUCK. ok. this is so incoherent anon i am SO sorry but like i have to get this out. aside from everything that it is, it's everything to me. ok. this is gonna sound stupid. but my world is...sort of like battery city sometimes. i go to a christian prep school (not by choice) and it's fucked up and a lot of times i feel like i'm walking around in the twilight zone because everyone is just sorta. existing. but they're not really living and i can see it in their eyes. they don't seem to have any sense of like. self. and it freaks me the fuck out because fuck, all i have is my soul and shit. it's like...being a killjoy undercover in battery city or something. and i hate making things about being trans but it's also like. mcr and danger days specifically taught me that even when i'm being made to pretend to be someone i'm not, i still have myself and no matter what my parents say to me, no matter how worthless and pathetic i'm made to feel, they can't take that self from me. and it's just...fuck, i have a lot of feelings about this!!!

#im just. gonna end this here because wow that is a Lot #anon i am so ready to talk abt dd anytime ever #mcr #danger days

[veebs-says]

Did I just have a seizure? Am I about to have a migraine? Does it really make a difference one way or the other?

Either way my brain doesn't work right and the solution is at least partially that my doctors should just give me my damn prescriptions instead of letting them run out and make me harass them to get them to do anything about it. You are not installing confidence that you're actually going to help me if you complain about me not having seen you in person as recently as you'd like when the reason I haven't been there as often at usual is that I've been having a really hard time in general, and not having my damn meds does not make that easier. Especially when my brain's default response to anything changing suddenly is to do something neurologically weird.

And when I say I've been having a hard time what I really mean is that the past six months have been the worst six months of my life in just about every imaginable way, and that's after the previous couple years were already worse than everything before that in many ways. Almost everything that's ever gone wrong before is going wrong simultaneously these days.

I almost started making a list here, but it's too much and doesn't feel helpful right now. It's also not helpful that my vision and hearing have both gotten substantially worse this year instead of just the usual stuff where my brain is weird.

And I guess that's where I've been for the past six months of not looking at Tumblr because the couple times I tried made me sad so it was easier to just not. I've apparently been busy becoming increasingly disabled, losing most of what I had in my life, and not really having much agency with any of it.

I spent most of my life starting in high school gradually getting worse with each passing year, but finally in the last couple years before the pandemic I made some positive progress for the first time in a very long time, and things were starting to look better for a change. My health was still kind of a mess but seemed to be improving, I was getting out and doing more things (including stuff I never would've done before), and I had tons of friends and great relationships with awesome people.

Now my health is the worst it's ever been, I haven't left the house in two years other than moving from one place I live to another or occasional medical stuff that has to be done in person, and I'm more isolated than I've ever been. And I can't just magically fix any of that. I barely have the capacity to brush my teeth once a day and shower once every five months, and if my food weren't provided for me I would simply starve. None of those are exaggerations.

If I can barely do any of that, how am I supposed to address any of these things and change them? And if I barely even know who I am on my own anymore, how am I supposed to even think about who I am in friendships and relationships?

It took my entire life to finally just barely get a fraction of my shit together, and now not only has all of that been undone but I've ended up so much further back than where I started. I can't do all that again, and it's that much worse having seen what I could be and quite possibly not ever being able to get it back.

And maybe that's wrong. Maybe someone will finally figure out what's wrong with me and things will get better. That's still what I'm hoping for, even if it would almost definitely take years to undo some of this.

The problem is that if this can't be fixed and this is all I've got, it's not worth it. And unless my health or my relationships get drastically better my backup plan is basically guess I'll die dot jpg. Not because that's what I want or anything, but I clearly can't take care of myself and my parents are getting old and can't for that much longer either.

And like...that's fine? It's not something I didn't already accept as a possibility a long time ago. I've been 100% dependent on other people for a while, and if for any reason they can't or won't keep doing that, then...

I know people always say it's not a burden to care for someone who's sick or injured or disabled, but I don't think that's actually true. It definitely is. I've seen how it affects the people around me. It may be really obvious the ways our bullshit society doesn't give someone like me almost any of the support I need, but equally as much it doesn't do that for any of the people around me who have to make up for what it doesn't do. And those people may sometimes be ok with that or at least willing to do it anyway, but I'm not convinced it's not a burden on them, just that it's one they choose to bear.

This whole thing has been bouncing around in my head for months, slowly taking shape. I probably left out at least half of what I've been thinking about, but whatever weird brain thing is going on right now has caught up with me, and I can't remember or really think about it any more right now.

I don't know whether I want everyone to see this or no one to see this. Obviously the answer is to put it on here and let the whims of Tumblr sort it out.

[destinygoldenstar]

How Dhar Mann Teaches Kids To Murder Their Parents (Analyzing ‘Kid Kills Mother For iPhone14′)

This may be a SHOCK to you guys.

But I was NOT originally going to touch on this video.

Yeah, I know. You’d think I’d cover it sooner than this. Murder? Bad message. No matter the circumstance.

Danganronpa has NEVER spared a killer. (Unless you’re Tsumugi, but even then, she still died.)

But when I saw the video for the first time, I didn’t click on it.

That was mainly because of the thumbnail being stupid looking. I already ranted about how I hated these new thumbnails Dhar Mann was putting out, so I’ll be brief here.

They look fake. Having an actor making a cringe face isn’t a great thumbnail either, but at least it looked LEGIT, like a selfie was taken wrong, but your friends laugh at it anyway. I can’t laugh at something fake, on a channel meant to be realistic.

So I just saw the thumbnail, and said, “HA! NO!”

Least I thought of the video was this: It goes two ways. Either the kid actually killed his mom, and he gets arrested for it. Or at least, somehow it turned out the mom faked her death just to screw with her childs life and traumatize him. Or, the more likely case, the title is a lie, and the kid only used a concept of murder to scam for money, and the mom found out because OF COURSE SHE WOULD, and scam her kid to slap him in the wrist.

And I was right.

But a few things lured me back to the video and made me realize I really SHOULD address it.

One was that ANOTHER kid centric video was released right next to it. “Kid gets trapped in Minecraft”. I actually DID watch that one for myself because I just wanted to see the magical logic behind Jay getting trapped in Minecraft. It was a concept I expected ACTUAL Minecraft YouTubers to make. And made.

But no, the explanation there was that it was all a dream. Which, yeah, was really the ONLY logical explanation to it. I can believe that of Jay, given his headstrong sarcastic character. (And to think, I never expressed appreciation for a reoccurring sarcastic character on this channel until now.)

Going back to it, I should’ve known it would be a dream, because while Dhar Mann’s characters are (mostly) unrealistic, it wasn’t intentional, and magic wasn’t really something Dhar Mann touches on. 

(Can you imagine though? A Dhar Mann video that states that believing in magic is bad?)

That video was just dumb. Plot made no sense, as you’d imagine, and Jay kinda did nothing wrong here. But I decided the video was NOT worth a post about, because at the end of the day, the message, at it’s core... was fine.

It was teaching kids to be cooperative with their peers and work as a team. The message is handled confusingly, and I don’t know how MINECRAFT makes you a team player, but whatever, it’s still a decent message. 

But that only made the video about MURDER stand out all the more to me. Like, which kid plot sounds more dramatically clickbaiting? One about a Minecraft fanfic, or one about MURDER?!

And also, I saw AugustTheDuck cover the video, so that was my introduction to watching the video. He basically addressed all the points I’m gonna address here. And from the clips he did show of the video...

Yeah, I KNEW I would be irresponsible to NOT cover the video. So I watched it myself, and yeah, everything they said was right. It’s actually kinda worse.

WHAT good, healthy message is even supposed to come from a MURDER PLOT?

Murder is permanent. Death is permanent. You can NEVER undo it, or make up for it.

Death, no matter the situation, is SCARRING for people of all ages. 

If someone looks at a dead person in a positive light, that person is a PSYCHOPATH!

So yeah, I said it before, and I’ll say it again. Dhar Mann handles death irresponsibly. Death is just an afterthought that can be brushed aside. Death is recoverable.

That’s like saying that if you die, you can come back.

DON’T TRY TO DO THAT. YOU CAN’T.

Your life is worth so much. Live it. Even if there’s no reason to. 

So I’m gonna go in this dumpsterfire, “Kid kills mom for iphone 14″

1: How (NOT) To Handle A Funeral

So the video begins at a funeral. This family is at a funeral of... some guy. (Edit: Their name is Geardo Alvarez. Idk if this is a real person or someone Dhar Mann made up. Either way, all my points still stand.) Their kid, as one would expect, is a disrespectful piece of garbage. Playing on his phone instead of mourning.

Couple problems with that. By a couple, I mean... WOW.

Trust me when I say, NO CHILD would do this at a funeral.

At a wedding, maybe, at a church, maybe, but only because they’d be babies or toddlers who haven’t developed the ability to read a room in their brains yet.

But this kid looks to be around eight to twelve years old, and by that point, a kid would KNOW what death is, and respect it. 

I was nine years old when I went to my first funeral. It was for my grandma’s dad, from my moms side. I never met him, but I knew a funeral was serious. Especially since we traveled out of the state all the way to the north, just to go. And not once, did I act like the kid in this video, or saw ANY child be like this.

And I admit, it could just be me. I’ve been told by a lot of adults that I’m more mature about stuff than most kids in school. It’s also why kids hated me. But even middle schoolers who jump on fences, horseplay, and beg for life to have an NC-17 rating under it’s belt, RESPECT DEAD PEOPLE.

My entire middle school once, held a funeral for a student. I didn’t even know them, and NOBODY disrespected it. Closest to disrespect was from a toxic friend of mine who told me she was bummed out for someone she didn’t even know, and how she had to be driven in the despair. But that was it.

More importantly, if a child somehow IS this disrespectful, the parent would know that of their kid, and NOT bring them. I dunno, maybe they had to, but still. 

So because of the kid being disrespectful, he gets his phone taken away. And he STILL decides it’s a good idea to JOKE ABOUT A DEAD PERSON. 

(Wow, great idea, Dhar Mann.)

In fact this entire funeral scene is offensive to anybody who’s lost a loved one. Which I believe is about 90% of the audience. Even the priest is disrespectful.

“Remember how he used to love silence?”

2: Death Is A Joke

That line is offensive.

I get it, he’s trying to tell the kid to be quiet while people are mourning, but that is disrespectful to the dead guy.

Even if someone did love silence, they wouldn’t write that on their will! Plus, that line is just sad if it’s true.

We don’t know how the guy died, so was he depressed, thus ‘loved silence’?

If so, that’s even more offensive. That’s flat out JOKING about potential suicide. 

But even if that’s not what it means, then this is basically saying ‘Remember how he used to love silence? Now he’s silent FOREVER.’

I would fire that priest right away if I encountered that.

(Quick rant, the music playing in the scene is also disrespecting death as a concept. It’s chipper sounding music. In THIS case, dead silence would be a better sound choice in the scene)

So this kid makes fun of the dead person, which, yeah, WRONG, and the mom kicks him out.

Then the mom comes up to apologize to the mourning relatives, and one of them gives the relative money out of sympathy. 

And THAT is the driving force of MURDER.

Can you think of anything more unsympathetic and unrelatable than THAT?

So the kid approaches his brother and says ‘We should fund a funeral! MOMS FUNERAL!’

But no, the title is wrong.

He doesn’t actually kill his mom. She goes on a vacation, which grants the kid the ‘perfect’ opportunity to post that his mom is dead, to get people to give him money.

Okay, it’s not technically murder, but it’s still scamming.

Scamming is a FELONY.

ESPECIALLY ABOUT DEATH.

But hold that thought for a second, because I wanted to ask: HOW THE F**K DOES THIS KID EXPECT THAT TO WORK?!

What would he do AFTER his mom got back from vacation?! He’d have to explain how his mom is suddenly alive again! Then everyone would catch on his CRIME!

This doesn’t even make ANY SENSE, let alone if it’s LEGAL.

3: Penalties For Scamming Death

Scamming death is ILLEGAL. A FELONY.

YOU GO TO JAIL FOR THIS.

In fact, I’m gonna quote a website from an FBI report on the news, link here:

https://www.fbi.gov/news/stories/prepaid-funeral-scam

To quote it:

“ Recently, a Missouri man and five others were sentenced to federal prison for their role in a Ponzi-like prepaid funeral scheme that victimized some 97,000 customers in more than 16 states. The scheme caused more than $450 million in losses, smaller or non-existent death benefits for families at their most vulnerable, and huge profits that lined the pockets of the defendants. “

There’s more to read there, but it’s basically what I’m talking about here.

If you fund a fake funeral, you’re going to JAIL. AT LEAST.

Now, I am NOT someone who believes in ‘A life for a life’, as a fair punishment. So yeah, jail is the best punishment for this child. Or at least Juvie.

But yeah, the older brother does next to NOTHING to tell this DEMON that! He doesn’t even MENTION the legality of the situation. 

For the entire video while they’re stealing people’s money and committing this felony, their exchange becomes:

“This is a bad idea bro”

“Nah, money money!”

“Well I do like money, so I guess I’ll go along with this.”

When the kid is JOKING ABOUT DEATH, making a MEME on it, that’s the time you CALL THE POLICE.

But no, they have to make a funeral for the beliefs, so they do that, scam even more people, and they hold the funeral.

Here’s how they get outed for their crime.

And whatever you’re thinking. It’s even DUMBER than THAT.

So they hold the funeral. They ORCHESTRATED the entirety of the funeral btw.

The grandma barges in on the demon’s speech, and throws open the coffin to mourn.

And the mom’s body is there!

At first, I thought they just made a dummy of their mom to put there, which makes sense.

But THEN the DEMON CHILD starts believing his mom is actually dead, and MOURNS AS WELL! BEGGING FOR HER TO COME BACK!

WH-WH...

YOU ORCHESTRATED THIS!

YOU WOULD KNOW IF THERE WAS A BODY IN THE COFFIN OR NOT!

AM I LOSING MY MIND?!

IF YOU PUT A DUMMY THERE, (like I said) THEN THE BEST ACTING METHOD YOU COULD DO IS CRY ON YOUR GRANDMA’S SHOULDER SILENTLY. NOT THIS BEGGING BULL.

IF YOU DID NOT PUT ANYTHING IN THERE, AND YOU SAW THIS, YOU SHOULD 

INSTANTLY

KNOW

THAT YOU GOT CAUGHT

AND THEY’RE TRICKING YOU!

How-?! 

LOOK, I obviously NEVER did this in my life! But IF I DID, and I saw a body in there I didn’t put, I’d INSTANTLY know that I got caught! Especially if I KNEW the person wasn’t dead!

How is this kid THAT stupid with his own trick?

But yeah, the mom is alive, and EVERYONE somehow KNEW this was a scam, and yet STILL gave this CRIMINAL all their money!

(Geez, I don’t even know what lessons these in universe Dhar Mann people were taught)

And what’s the punishment?

4: You Can Recover From Death And Crimes

The punishment, basically...

They have to repay the people back.

They have to go do community service at the graveyard for six months.

And they don’t get their phones.

That’s it.

That’s ALL they get charged for. A JOB they get PAID for, and not getting a Christmas present.

I can’t believe Dhar Mann is this irresponsible with felonies.

He treats cheating on an exam like a felony, when it’s NOT.

And now he treats an ACTUAL felony like it only warrants a slap to the wrist.

This ISN’T cheating on a test. This isn’t faking being sick. This isn’t mistreating your little brother.

This was a SCAMMER, TAKING ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE’S MONEY, AND MAKING THEM BELIEVE SOMEONE WAS DEAD.

That’s a massive burden for the people that got scammed, and the person who’s unwillingly being faked out on death!

I KNOW it’s weird for me to be THIS HARSH on a child, when I said over and over again that Dhar Mann needs to tone down the punishments the kid characters suffer.

But here’s the thing: With THOSE videos. It was something SMALL. Something minor. Something every child does. Something not even worth getting angry about. 

This sort of thing, WARRANTS GOING TO JUVIE AT LEAST.

And in case you say “Well, Dhar Mann can’t tackle Juvie in a kid centric video”

YES. DHAR MANN CAN. AND DHAR MANN HAS.

Remember the Mikey video where he pulled the fire alarm?

He got sent to Juvie for that! That was a Juvie warranting punishment, to be fair. I mean, he got bailed, but still, it was clearly traumatizing for him behind the memeworthy bad acting.

So why did Dhar Mann NOT do the same for this, when it’s warranted? I have no idea.

If Mikey was in this situation, he would respect death fully. Mikey’s not a good kid, but he has SOME moral decency. (And no, I’m not taking criticism when I say that) Jay? He’s done some bad things, but he speaks his mind, and he has a level head. That kid from the dog ate your homework video? He burdened the consequences of his lie the whole way through. 

But this kid? Daniel, I think is his name? Yeah, if I see him again, I’m calling him DEMON. This kid has NOTHING redeemable about him. HE IS A DEMON.

So Dhar Mann, if that was your goal, to make me think a kid is a demon, good job.

But the irresponsibility of the consequences gives the wrong message that kids who do this, can recover from this, and go on with their lives afterwards. That this WON’T ruin EVERYTHING.

It will!

Kids need to be taught that death is serious, and should NOT be toyed with. 

Unfortunately in this day and age, that’s hard to teach from all the shooting games kids have been subjected to. 

Frankly, some of the best media I’ve seen, laughs at the AUDIENCE for daring to find death entertaining.

Madoka Magica, Undertale, The Hunger Games, Danganronpa (even if the third game did it poorly, but that’s a topic some other time), Squid Game, and whatever else you can think of.

These are ALL amazingly put together examples that put self awareness on death and the scars it can hold on people. While also being great stories in their own right. If you have not seen these, DO SO.

The only time I’d let joking about death slide, is if it had cartoon logic behind it, and thus they don’t actually die. I know that makes me a psychopath, but I like Total Drama, and people probably know this, so leave me alone.

In something that takes itself SERIOUSLY, I expect death to be taken seriously. Otherwise, your main focal point will be the death, and people are gonna focus on the death, and expect you to respect it!

“Oh, but the message is technically that death isn’t a joke-”

The mom outs her kids, by joking about death. So yes. This is treating death as a joke.

This is irresponsible to teach to anyone. Especially that a FELONY doesn’t get you in JAIL.

Is an iPhone 14 worth being behind bars with a ton of thugs, rapists, murderers, arsonists, terrorists, and overall CRIMINALS?

I think NOT.

But again, YouTubers are already addressing everything I can say about this video. I just felt like I’d be failing if I didn’t do the homework I’ve been dealt with.

Please love your family, appreciate what they do for you in life. You’ll regret it when you lose the chance.

#Dhar Mann #Bad messages

[diariesofapisces]

Tove Lo. Okay, Period.

Oh my fucking god I am really going through it. I guess you could say it all started after I confronted Spencer. The delusional that was somehow holding everything together disappeared and I was left with nothing. All the emotions I had been repressing began spilling out of me. The feelings of loneliness and low self-worth have started to consume me. I have been getting so annoyed with Anna and Shi that I have started to isolate myself. I am trying to keep up with all my social connections and in some way, I have stopped trying as hard. I beat myself up constantly to the point where I have mental breakdowns every day. I have been having lots of suicidal episodes that have resulted in self-harm as a way to cope. Something I could have never imagined myself doing. I am tired all the time but when I try to sleep I can't. I am stressed beyond belief and embarrassed about my whole life situation. I actually want to kill myself and I don't know if anyone or anything can actually help me. I already have a plan and am very seriously considering doing it soon. Like the second I get home from college. I feel so alone and hopeless. I feel like there is something wrong with me and everything I surround myself with. I feel like Everyone in my life doesn't support me and no one values me. I feel so scared and unsafe and I don't know how to escape. I just think killing myself is the best option. I want to wait until the end of the year to see how my grades are but when have things even been good for me. Things could be going well but certain parts of my life will haunt me forever. They loom over anything good in my life and I don't know how to escape it. Aknowologing it doesn't make me feel that much better because it won't erase my damage. I have a fuck ton of damage and it keeps on coming. I guess I have a good enough life but I can't take anyone of this extreme suffering. My mental illness still consumes every inch of my life and no matter what I do I can't find a way to escape or get through it. This won't be the end of my suffering even if I work through my bipolar crisis. I'll be an actual adult with the remains of all these problems along with a heap of new ones. The way I see it death isn't a bad thing, it's an escape. Life sucks balls and some people aren't built for it and that's okay. I am not built for living and I think I am okay with that. Maybe when I die people will say that they wish they did all these things but they aren't doing it now and that's what matters. I don't care if apparently they care about me becuase like I've said before everything misses what they once had. Maybe it will be a wake-up call and make them take care of people better. Maybe it will be a wake-up call to my dad and my family to take mental illness seriously. I have been screaming and crying to be seen and heard and my pain won't be acknowledged unless I kill myself. No one will take me seriously unless do it. Maybe for once, I will be seen and thought of. When I die I don't want people to be sad becuase I think it would be pathetic for them. I am just a person so mourning will just be a natural reaction for them, so honestly I don't feel bad about the idea of killing myself. I want my parents to stop wasting money on me and not to spend that much money on my celebration of life, becuase I don't want a funeral. I want to create and I don't want my parents to spend hundreds for the burial process, becuase that's fucking stupid. Why spend money on someone who chooses to die. No one owes me anything I wanted this. Anyway, I am tired of most people in my life and I simply choose not to deal with them right now. Peace out.

[roseytoesy]

this is a vent. A scream into the void and I expect nothing out of it and I’m sorry to my followers. I just need to get this out somewhere.

it’s under the read more. Again sorry for all this. Just skip it cause I’m just a confused scared bean in a big scary world.

hehe long space

alright that’s probably enough…

1 just… the us of America doesn’t feel very united. Our candidates for presidents are jokes and way too old to deal with modern day issues. 2 it seems that unless you get lucky or make something successful by lying and bullying and doing anything but work hard then you’ll make it in their capitalistic hellhole that we’re creating. 3 how is a 20 year old supposed to survive in this world if I wasn’t even taught how to do taxes?! How am I supposed to be expected to just find my own job when most employers send our things begging for workers then ghost so often you’d think they were dead! 4 how am I supposed to be myself and be quirky and silly and enjoy myself when the grind is normalized? When I’m expected to sacrifice everything for others and just let myself die quietly in a corner cause otherwise I’m selfish? 5 go get therapy. Go get a job. Go to collage. For what in the end?! To be another semi better cog in a machine that will die one day and be forgotten forever?! To be a nothing for a short time. Cause that’s all that the working class is to corporations. That all we are to governments so focused on control that they erase individuals with a click. With a bill. 6 I honestly wish we could do more to change things. But there’s so many hoops. So many tests where if you aren’t tough enough you’ll fail and never be allowed even close to making any difference anywhere. 7 I want to live in a world where I didn’t have to worry or fear for my future becuase I don’t want to have to work the rest of my life until I’m to old to move. Then be let go and die as what little I did make drains away like my fleeting time on earth that I wasted for that which I can’t keep or even use. 8 will I be shunned for not wanting kids. Will I be hated for not having or ever wanting any? In this crumbling economy it wouldn’t be worth it. Especially with mental health already a struggle. 9 safe spaces. Places to physically meet and hang out are fading. Social adaptability is harder and harder. Everything is online and insane. 10 I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m lost and feel pretty alone. That despite everything. I’m just a fish gasping. Trying to live. But will still die slowly as someone in a better starting place than me gets to watch. 11 I don’t know who I am because I’m so burnt out and numb some days/nights that I just want to start over. But I can’t. I don’t want to either. It’s just hard, hard to exist when it seems everything is on the verge of breaking. 12 and due to burning out I’ve lost myself too. I haven’t drawn in a very long time… I don’t write often, and when I do it’s vent poems or messages. I can laugh or smile but it doesn’t last long. Is it too much to ask for an escape? To be whisked away and told I’ll always get food water shelter and stimulation. Hell I wouldn’t even mind being a glorified pet for some other being. So long as I’m taken care of well I’ll be happy. 13 just scary times. A constant thing after another. Needing a break from school, getting home to renovations, living without a kitchen for a month, dealing with winter, job and internship hunting, months of NOTHING but eh maybes and ghosting, cleaning up other peoples stuff for those many months, being the taxi service, nearly crashing and having a car breakdown in zero service on vacation, grandparent passing away and that side of the family dragging in their drama. Mental breakdowns as I struggle to just desist in a space that I could try and call my own. Burned through a game and now just numb again

#who am I? #cause by this point I don’t really know anymore #I’m a good person #just lost #just hurt and scared #shut up rose #roses adventure #venting #tw venting #seriously you can just skip this #screaming into the void #either hoping for a miracle or for those thoughts to just get out of my head #doomscrolling is a dangerous thing #I’m sorry #I’m so so sorry #roses ramblings #my stuff #so much just doesn’t feel right anymore #I’m sad #I’m mad #I’m also very scared cause of an iud experience #like… tmi but #period hasn’t stopped since I got it almost a month ago and I’m terrified #but also kinda hoping my uterus just kinda disintegrates and then I don’t have to worry about that ever again #agin sorry #I’ll shut up now

[casspurrjoybell-29]

Healing Ties - Chapter 33 - Part 3

*Warning Adult Content*

Fanner's eyes began to well up and a single tear trailed down his cheek before he rubbed it away.

"If I give you a child, I need you to do what's right for me even when it's not the best thing for anyone else. Maybe even including yourself or someone you care about."

"I will gladly accept that deal. If you make me fertile again, I'll make sure you have a permanent home here for as long as you want it and that for as long as I live, you'll be protected in all senses. We'll have to figure out how the debt is inherited when I die. I trust Slone the most when it comes to upholding those values but he is a bit of a wanderer which could leave you vulnerable."

"Well, it's worth making arrangements for because things can happen but don't expect to be dying any time soon. It'll take time but if I'm staying with you, of course I'll heal everything else as well."

"In exchange for what?"

"That doesn't matter. I want to help you, Yore. I really, desperately do. I only made this about an exchange because I'm scared. Because if I'm going to be open about this, I need to know I'll be protected. Beyond that, I don't care about getting anything in return."

"Well, we'll negotiate, okay? It doesn't feel right to be your protector in every sense, yet also let you dedicate yourself to healing me, changing and ultimately saving my life, and offer nothing in return."

"You've saved my life three times."

Yore smiled.

"True. I don't count things the other person didn't have the opportunity to negotiate as debts, though."

"Well... okay. I just worry when you say that because I don't want much but one of the things I do want is to help you. I like you. I don't want you to be in pain and I definitely don't want you to die young from something I could have easily fixed."

Why had Yore's heart done a silly little leap in his chest when Fanner had said 'I like you'?

Was he just feeling emotional because of the situation or was he actually catching feelings?

If it was the latter, it probably wasn't a good idea.

Especially with their new arrangement.

He was supposed to be Fanner's protector.

Of course that didn't necessarily conflict with anything more intimate but it certainly risked complicating things if those feelings only ran one way.

"We'll figure things out," Yore promised.

He let out a sigh and rubbed his hands over his face, then continued their path up over his hair to smooth it down.

"Sorry. I feel like I should be showing my excitement and appreciation more but this just doesn't feel real yet. I believe that you can do what you claim. You're a timid, soft spoken guy and I can't imagine you speaking with this much confidence unless you were absolutely sure in what you were saying. It's just... I thought I was going to spend the next few years suffering more and more and then I would die. I thought I would never have kids, never inherit the position I've spent my whole life working towards. And now you're telling me I can have that. I can have all of it."

"It won't be quick or easy," Fanner warned.

"Scar tissue is slow to work with and I have to dissolve it away and open up those wounds again to heal them, so it won't be painless, either."

"That's fine by me. Just knowing I'll be getting better rather than worse is incredible."

"Would you like me to do something today, since you're being forced to rest anyway? The fertility issue was the original deal but if you'd prefer I focus on something else..."

"No, no. That would be fantastic. I really do need an heir. I want one. To be a father."

"I'll have to touch you," Fanner told him.

"I promise to be respectful about it, though. I understand this isn't... Well, I'm not a Companion anymore. I'm not going to try to be one."

"I trust you, Fanner," Yore said as he sat up.

He gestured down at his pants.

"Should I...?"

"Yes. You'll need to be naked or at least have the relevant area exposed."

"Okay."

Yore stood and began to take his pants off.

Nudity really wasn't a big deal to him or any werewolf but he had to admit that stripping down when Fanner was sitting on his bed felt a little different.

Especially when Fanner seemed so adorably unsure whether he should be averting his gaze entirely or continuing to look at Yore as though nothing had changed.

"How do you want me?"

Fanner looked startled and then his face flushed red as he seemed to realise what Yore meant.

His gaze jumped away again.

"Oh, um. Just lay flat on your back for now. I might need to lift your legs later to... well, the male reproductive organs have a few parts to them. I've seen a diagram. But just try to get comfortable for now."

"Okay."

Yore lay down on his back on his bed as instructed.

"I should mention that I don't actually know anything about how fertile I am in terms of, uh... sperm quality or general production, I suppose? The issue I've had, specifically, is that I can't get an erection because of the scar tissue."

Fanner sat down next to him on the bed.

"I could try only healing that if you like. This will probably be the most painful area to heal."

"What do you think we should do?"

Fanner was silent for a moment as he mulled the question over.

"Ultimately, I think I should heal every part of you and if I don't finish this area today, I doubt you're going to be overly enthusiastic for me to return to it. I think it would make sense to get it all out of the way. Then it can be done with and we can be certain you won't have any more issues around reproduction or sex."

"Okay. I agree."

"If the pain is too much, though..."

"I can manage."

Fanner nodded.

"Okay. I'm going to touch you now."

As Fanner's hand brushed against his inner thigh and gently wrapped around his flaccid cock, Yore was glad he'd attempted to masturbate so recently.

Having that pain so fresh in his mind doused any arousal.

Getting an actual erection would have been one thing but getting semi-erect only to injure himself in the process would have been embarrassing on a whole other level.

[elecalice]

I believe that when I die, my consciousness will end up in another body.

Either in this same forsaken world, or on another forsaken world on... IDK, another timeline? Dimension? World?

I hope that when I die and I became conscious again on another body, the world isn't a massive clusterfuck that the one that we're living right now...

But I don't want to get my hopes up. I want to be "realistic".

And I'll admit. I'm a broken idealist, to the point of being dangerously cynical and even being a negative nihilist at my worst moments.

WARNING// THIS BLOG ENDED UP BEING A MASSIVE CYNICAL ANGRY RANT OF THE CURRENT STATUS OF THIS WORLD, MAKING ME QUESTION MY LOVE FOR HUMANITY. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ SOMETHING BLEAK, PLEASE DON'T READ THIS BLOG. (UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR DAY BE RUINED)

My mom tells me that I should watch the news more ofter-

THE NEWS ARE ALWAYS NEGATIVE CYNICAL BULLSHIT!!

I STOPPED WATCHING TV NEWS BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THIS WORLD IS BURNING DOWN (FIGURATIVELY AND EVEN LITERALLY) DUE TO OUR OWN INCOMPETENCE, LACK OF SENSE OF HUMANITY, REMOSE AND EMPATHY!!!

THE ONES WHO ARE HARMING HUMANITY AND THE WORLD ONLY CARE FOR THEMSELVES!!

NARROW-MINDED PEOPLE WHO ONLY CARES FOR THEIR GOALS AND REFUSES TO LISTEN TO OTHERS!

GREEDY PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE MONEY TO FUND STUFF THAT CAN HELP HUMANITY TO BE/GET BETTER!! YET THEY REFUSE TO GIVE AWAY A PART OF THEIR MONEY JUST TO MAINTAIN THEIR "STATUS"-!! IF YOU WANT YOUR REPUTATION TO BE LEGITIMATELY GOOD, BE MORE SELFLESS!!

VIOLENT PEOPLE WHO HARM PEOPLE IN SOME WAYS OR OTHERS WITHOUT REMORSE OR CARE FOR OTHERS WHO ARE AFFECTED BY THE POSSIBLE COLLATERAL DAMAGE!!

And more... And more horrible people...

It hurts me because... I legit believe that humanity can be better and better...

I believe that humanity is capable for awesome progress and good stuff for this world!

I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT HUMANS CAN BE BETTER!!

But... The current state of this world...

I question my love for humanity. It makes me question more that the small good things that we do are... Worth it?

Like- "Why are we keep planting trees if eventually someone's will burn all it down?" (and trees are take YEARS to fully grow)

"The Small Flower planted with Love will be eventually Stumped"

"Why are still doing X when Y is still happening?" as a summary of my occasional questions.

I envy those who do NOT care... Who accepted that this world is a clusterfuck.

I CARE... Maybe too much. And it hurts me that this world and humanity are in constant pain and violence.

I just wish to stop caring and live my life with a "That's life" attitude, even accepting that the most HORRIBLE things are still happening.

But I can't... Because I care so (too) much...

I don't expect that someone really important is going to read this and say "Oh. See this sad Chilean girl rambling about humanity being so cruel. Maybe we should stop?" and BOOM! Humanity will stop act horribly towards each other and we live in a eternal utopia.

No. I do NOT except that my words are meaningful for people with power.

I am a nobody for them, after all.

(Also that utopias can be dystopias for others, as well as utopias not being possible to be real)

I love humanity... But...

It frustrates me... And I can't pretend that everything is okay. Because nothing is okay in this world.

I know!! That we can't stop being bad. Nothing will stop bad stuff to happen. After all, "Without crime, Justice will not exist"

But when everything looks so bleak and bad... It makes me feel that everything good that we do will eventually be overshadowed by something massively horrible...

Humans can be beautiful beings as well as horrible monsters.

I'll shut up now. My ramblings are meaningless in a big picture.

(And I complain that people on Internet are so cynical to worrying levels. While I'm a massive cynic like right now... I acknowledge the hypocrisy of my part...)

EDIT

I know what people will tell me.

"Try not to care˜ Your whining will not change this world"

I Know! I'm not stupid!

My whining will not change my world. And never will!

Again, I'm just a nobody towards the eyes of the big ones.

But it hurts that I legit believe that humanity can be capable to be better, but also be horrible...

But well. That's humanity. Ugly yet beautiful.

...I don't want to have a depresive episode again...

But is pains me that I can't shut my eyes to the problems of the world. I can't pretend that the world is fine. I can't pretend that everything's fine.

It pains me that every moment that I see something that brings me hope on humanity, there will be always, ALWAYS something that breaks that hope.

Right now, we're living in wars; genocide; greedy persons making havoc to the ones with little to no money; companies and people that are capable to bring advances in technology, medicine, etc. that can bring good to humanity, but instead they prefer to bring those who bring them money; people disregarding the needs of minorities and dehumanizing them; people harming other people in general...

I CAN'T PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

BECAUSE IT IS NOT.

...

I want to be hopeful.

But hope is meaningless after all.

I want to help. But... Performative activism is a fucking joke.

I WANT TO ACTUALLY HELP.

BUT I WISH THAT PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE CAPACIBILITY TO HELP BUT REFUSE TO ACT DUE TO "NOT CARING" OR "NOT MY PROBLEM".

...

HUMANITY. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS.

I know that you can be better. But you're a troublesome entity.

I hope you can be better, and that you can finally open your eyes and do stuff that can bring prosperity and good to everyone.

... Hope's a joke. Action is important.

Again.

Humanity. You are better than this.

If you keep proving me wrong... I... don't know what to think anymore.

If you SOMEHOW managed to reach the end, My apologies for this massive despair-dumping trash of a blog post.

#elec rants #elec vents #this world is so cruel #broken humanism