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#like even she agrees medication isn't going to cut it
ew-selfish-art · 6 months
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Dp x DC AU: Danny didn't want to rely on his rogues, but Tucker's computer skills only got them so far and if the media black out continues... Danny knows it's not going to be pretty for them. Nightmares begin to plague the Justice League.
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Danny gets back from a shitty conversation with Clockwork and in his frustration, accidentally sets off one of the new GIW sensors that his parents allowed to be installed in the lab. Their collaboration seemed to be going no where but when Danny had new holes blasted through him... it must be going somewhere. Damn it.
The commotion is loud enough that Jazz hears it from her room above the lab (he knows she listens to more than just the lab... it's cause she cares, even if it is a bit invasive.) and rushes in to play the distraction while Danny gets away. This time it works- the Drs. Fenton might have the worst aim in the city but they demand all shots cease if a civilian is nearby- Next time his mom might be aiming her gun at him and not the ground. Danny decides he'll buy Jazz a coffee on his way home.
But first, new holes. Yikes. That like, needs medical attention- He heads to Tucker's place and he's pretty sure Sam is already there.
"Danny! What the fuck, did Clockwork-" She starts, her meticulous cat eyeliner making her glare all the deeper.
"Nah, it's the stupid GIW sensor, the stupid one I told you guys about that has a spring lose in the back?"
"I thought we decided those weren't a concern?" Tucker looks him over, face covered in undisguised and very blatant concern.
"Yeah well, Clocky pissed me off so I forgot about them when I came back in through the lab portal-"
"you were supposed to be practicing making your own." Sam interrupts.
"-And when I did, the thing got knocked and I was swatted like immediately. Jazz launched herself into the lab so Mom made them stop shooting and it gave me enough time to get out." Danny continued to explain, ignoring his friend's 'i told you so' faces.
"Dude. We're pushing it close this week. Sam already had a confrontation with the lab guys and I already got blacklisted on my new persona accounts. We're like seriously threading the needle for getting caught." Tucker, pulls his glasses down to pinch the bridge of his nose and Danny and Sam both get what he's really saying. They need to lie low.
"What did CW say to piss you off?" Sam asks after a silent moment.
"He said nothing really, just like he always does, but insinuated I should try getting a rogue to help." Danny sighs.
"What, Like getting Ember to announce the GIW invasion on her tour? We already agreed that-" Sam is getting angry as she speaks so Tuck cuts her off- "It's a bad Idea. She is- They are all just as likely to get captured and hurt as you are if you go out of town." He comes to the same conclusion they've agreed on for weeks. No rogue involvement.
"Maybe we just need to sleep on it... Hey... wait." Danny sighs, but then his gears start to turn.
"Nocturn. We need Nocturn to help us. He can get the message out through dreams." Danny comes to the new conclusion and his friends look hesitant but at least like they're considering it.
"Isn't he an ancient? He's not going to help us for free." Tucker, ever the Egyptian god in these moments.
"Most people don't take their dreams literally." Sam, ever the skeptic in these moments.
"Yeah but, if they dream it enough times, and they're the right people to do something... they can look it up and then at least see that there is a problem?" Danny sounds hopeful and its the first time he's sounded that way in months.
"What, you're gunna give Batman nightmares?" Tucker snickers but Sam looks inspired.
"That's exactly what he's going to do. We need to haunt the Justice League. They'll see past the fake facade the GIW put up online and they'll be able to get the right legislation passed." Sam is practically buzzing.
"Okay, so lets get scheming- What do you get the primordial beast of the unconscious? Should I google 'what to get someone who has everything'? " Danny laughs.
_____
Bruce and his children rarely do feelings when they have breakfast in the morning after a night of separate patrols, but it seems as though the room is plagued with unease. Tim looks about as tired as ever, so his unease is probably attributable to WE board meetings, but its unlike the rest of his children to be so... disturbed. For some reason, after Alfred has excused them all from eating more than a few nibbles, they make it to the cave. Bruce is glad for the noise his children bring.
The nightmare's he's been having are following a dark plot. A town, a boy who looks like he was kin, and so, so much death. Bruce has had vivid dreams before in life, but this nightmare is... unreal. He tries to remind himself that it's just a nightmare.
When his JL emergency communicator goes off at the computer desk, he's not expecting it to be Dinah Lance. She and her Birds are typically wary of him in Gotham, even if they work well together in the League. He answers it like he would any Batman call, with silence.
"Bats, we have a problem. Any chance you've been having weird dreams about a kid getting experimented on or a town being burned down? Ghosts? Lazarus portals?" Dinah sounds exhausted, but Bruce snaps to her voice with rapt attention. As do all of his children.
"I-" Bruce takes a look around the room, everyone's heads except for Tim's nodding up and down with distress," We all have."
"Something tells me that they whole JL is. Everyone I've talked to this week has had a variation of the same dream. We either have a telepath trying to tell us something, or something even worse than that."
"I'll call emergency meeting, we need to collect details and try to determine the complete message."
"I'll send you what I've noted down so far, sans personal details of course, it's definitely in a town called Amity Park though. My client this morning saw the sign."
Batman grunts and the call ends. It's time to get to work.
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When the Justice League finally arrives, the town is glowing, and everything feels like... sleep. smothering. snoring. smoking. smoldering.
And then, despite the exhaustion that echos within them, the trudge onwards. The noise of laser guns certainly wakes them up a bit.
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milaisreading · 18 days
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What if CD!yn gets hit in the the face so hard with a ball she forgets everyone in Blue Lock like the amnesia one with Manager!yn
🌱🩷: Hii! Hope you liked what I came up with! Thank you for the request!
Warnings: Reader is crossdressing as a guy here, so it's a mix between he/him and she/her. Requests are open
⚽️Blue lock belongs to Muneyuki Kaneshiro and Yusuke Nomura⚽️
The long-awaited and highly anticipated game between Bastard München and PXG had finally started. The spectators, and members of the PIFA board watched the two teams, all eager to see how the match will play out. This was a big thing for the Blue Lock project, and for the 3 specific players as well. Itoshi Rin, who was the current #1 and had the highest bid from PXG. Isagi Yoichi, taking up #2 and who was currently sought after Bastard München. Then, the third player being (L/n) (Y/n), Blue lock's current #3, with the highest bid coming from Spain's Re Al.
'I swear. I better get kicked out of the top10 by the end of this match.' (Y/n) sighed as she watched Rin and Isagi, then looked back at Gagamaru, who looked a little nervous.
"Gagamaru, are you alright? You look really pale?" She asked in worry as the goalie looked back at her, for a moment not looking at the other players.
"I am alright. Just nervous since this is our last game. And it is a big deal." (Y/n) smiled at him in sympathy and was about to to speak up again, only for Hiori and Isagi to scream at her.
"(Y/n), duck!"
"Watch your head!"
"Huh?" She looked back, only for her vision to go black as she felt something collide with her head. Whatever happened after, (Y/n) couldn't really process what was going on. She felt herself lose balance and a pair of arms grab her as something wet started to slide down her face.
"(Y/n)'s head is bleeding!"
"I am killing you, antenna freak!"
"Oh, so now it's my fault that Mr. Golden boy isn't looking?!"
"Shidou, Rin, shut up!"
"Noa-san! We need a medic!"
"Save my midfielder!"
"He isn't yours, gremlin!"
"Oh, shut up, Kaiser and Charles!"
"(Y/n)! Don't fall asleep now!" Hiori's voice was heard, but the girl couldn't see or make out from which direction it was coming from.
"I got some wet towels!"
"(Y/n), look at me! Don't close your eyes!"
"The wound looks bad."
"We need to cut off the match!"
'Kurona... Yukimiya... Kunigami... Isagi... I can hear them, but not see them.' The girl thought in panic as she closed her eyes, going limp in Gagamaru's hold.
"(Y/n) fainted!" Gagamaru yelled in panic as the rest looked on in worry.
While (Y/n) was sent to the medic room, it was announced that the final match will be resumed at a later time when she wakes up and recovers. As much as the JFA protested the idea, not wanting to lose money because of this accident, they had to agree. Ego and Anri arguing that none of the players were in a good condition to play to begin with. And while Anri was doing damage control with the media, Ego was losing his nerves with the manager of Re Al. As the team did put a lot of money into (Y/n), they naturally did worry about her condition in the future.
'Greedy and money hungry, a great combination.' Ego thought sarcastically as he rolled his eyes while the manager kept talking through the phone.
"What do you mean we can't see him?! Who are you to tell me anything?!"
"I am your coach, so yes, I can." Lavinho said as he stood in front of the door, preventing Bachira and Otoya to leave the place.
"But, (Y/n) is our friend, we have a right to see him. He was literally bleeding on the screen." Otoya argued as Bachira nodded his head furiously.
"That's right! We just want to see him and make sure he is alright." The dribbler said, trying to move past Lavinho, but was tugged back by the coach.
"You both are staying here. Noa and Ego both said to not let anyone see (Y/n) while he is asleep. I know and understand that you are worried, but I am not letting you leave. Not even his own teammates can see him right now." Lavinho argued, giving the duo a firm glare.
"This isn't fair..." Otoya sighed.
"Hmph!" Bachira pouted as he stubbornly sat on the ground.
"Barou, listen, I know that you are worried about your friend. But, the doctor said-"
"Screw what he said! I want to see him now! Now!" Barou glared at Snuffy, who gave him a stoic look as Aryu chimed in. The boy was a lot calmer than Barou, but equally worried about the midfielder.
"What Barou wants to say, we really need to see him. We all saw the blood and how he just went unconscious. We are all worried and want to see if we can help." Aryu said calmly as Niko nodded his head, holding back his tears.
"Y-yeah. Maybe he needs blood or something." Niko said as Barou was losing his cool slowly.
"If he needed blood, we would have been told that. Please, all of you sit down and stay here until Ego doesn't give us the green light to see him. The less you all stress out (Y/n), the faster he will recover." Snuffy said calmly as he patted Barou's shoulder.
"No, Nagi, you are not leaving the stratum."
"But, Chris-san, what if (Y/n) would want to see us. Nagi and I, his closest friends."
"Since when are you his closest friends?" Chigiri rolled his eyes, earning offended looks from the duo.
"What? You two were the ones to insult him, weren't you?"
"We already apologized for it. And why are you even being offended over it? It's something between (Y/n) and us." Nagi gritted his teeth, but before Chigiri could argue back, Chris spoke up.
"And this is exactly why you three aren't leaving. (Y/n) needs to recover and not listen to all of you arguing and blaming each other for this."
"But-"
"Reo, no. If you all care so much about him, then you will leave him alone for the time being." With one final glare, the trip shut their mouths, not wanting to anger the blonde more.
"Nope, you are staying here." Loki said, grabbing the ends of Charles' shirt, stopping the boy from leaving for the German stratum.
"I can't! What if (Y/n) wakes up and is scared?! I need to comfort him!" Charles said back, earning an irritated glare from Rin.
"Shut up and stop being so much around him! Are you blind or do you just not see how uncomfortable (Y/n) is around you?!"
"And you shut up-"
"Ok! Ok! That's enough! All of you calm down." Loki clapped, glaring at Tokimitsu and Karasu who were about to leave the room.
"We are all to respect what Ego-san ordered us to do. For now, nobody is seeing him until he wakes up and is able to see all of you."
"But, what if he really needs us?" Tokimitsu protested.
"Or wants to see us?" Karasu added in.
"Then we will be told that. For now, all of you sit down and eat."
Now, while the other stratums were pure messes, the German stratum was uncharacteristically quiet. Noa wasn't really used to Kaiser, Ness, and Isagi not arguing. Kunigami looked even more depressed than usually. Gagamaru kept blaming himself for what had happened, to which Sachs, Gesner, and Grim always had to chime in and tell him it wasn't his fault. Noa noted that Kurona was also less enthusiastic to play, Yukimiya and Hiori just sat to the side, not saying anything. Noa knew that the players were worried, even Kaiser and Ness, which they would never admit to. He also knew that he wasn't making it better by banning them from seeing (Y/n), but for her own sake he had to do it.
Already, a few days had passed since the accident, the pressure from PIFA and the JFA was getting more suffocating on Noa and Ego, but they refused to contthe match without her.
Then, one night while the BM team was eating their dinner, all solemnly, the door opened.
"And this is the dining area. This is where you are mostly with your teammates, aside from the training area." The said team stopped eating as they saw Anri walk in, followed by (Y/n), whose head was still bandaged up.
"Ah... I see..." (Y/n) nodded, looking around the place.
"(Y/n)!!"
"Oh thank God!"
"We were so worried!"
"Why are you walking around like that? You should sit down!"
The girl watched in surprise as Yukimiya, Hiori, Kurona, and Isagi ran up to her, followed by Gagamaru and Kunigami.
"Isagi is right. Please don't walk around like that."
"Do you want some water? Or my food?"
Surprised, and a little scared from the crowd, she hid behind Anri, surprising the team.
"Who... who are all of you?" (Y/n) asked, looking around the room in confusion. Kaiser's spoon slipped from his hand as he heard the question, his eyes widening in terror as he realized what was going on.
"What... what do you mean by that? Nice joke." Ness nervously laughed as Anri cleared her throat.
"(Y/n) has a temporary memory loss. He doesn't remember anyone or the events that happened in Blue Lock. Please, be cautious around him and try to make him remember what had happened. Ok?"
A silence fell among the players as (Y/n) gulped nervously, not liking the attention she was getting.
"Ehmmm... hi, everyone."
To say things were back to normal would be a huge, huge lie. For the next few days the German team tried their best to regain her memories. Isagi, Hiori, and Kurona would give her small tours around the stratum, telling her funny stories that had happened to them, but she just smiled apologetically saying she couldn't remember anything. Yukimiya, Kunigami, and Gagamaru decided to bring her to their monitor room and show her the different matches she played in, hoping that would help. But, that was useless as well. The Blue Lock players were slowly losing their minds, they knew they had to bring back (Y/n)'s memories somehow, or they would lose her in their team. Who would let a player with amnesia play?
Heck, even the German part of the team tried to help her out somehow, but their plans were futile as well. Especially when Kaiser and Ness started teasing and making fun of her. What was usually met with (Y/n) insulting them right back, was now met with the girl crying. That alarmed Noa, so he basically forbade them from talking to her.
Soon enough, the rest of Blue lock heard about (Y/n)'s condition, and they would have rushed to her side if the coaches didn't stop them. They knew it was selfish to overwhelm her now, but the players were just worried and wanted to see her. And they will do that, no matter what.
So, one night after everyone went to sleep, the Blue Lock team, plus Charles, Ness, and Kaiser held a small meeting inside the dining area of the German team.
"Does anyone have an idea what we could do? We tried everything by now?" Isagi asked, looking at the other players.
"How about showing him some pictures? I heard they help in these cases." Otoya raised his hand.
"We tried it with videos already, and that didn't work."
"But, maybe pictures will work, Yukimiya." Kurona protested, not liking the frown on the boy's face.
"Cooking his favorite food, maybe?"
"That's a good idea, Bachira. If there is anything he loves, it's food." Reo nodded in agreement as Nagi showed Isagi his phone.
"Or I show him some video games we used to play. He might not remember me, but he definitely remembers those." Niko could see the sad look on the boy's face, but ignored it as he showed Kunigami his manga stash.
"(Y/n) and I used to read manga together, that might provoke something."
"A nice spa day with me could work as well! We used to do them during the 2nd selection together." Aryu smiled as he remembered that time fondly.
"Or! (Y/n) and I could spend a day watching the anime shows he talked to me about." Tokimitsu smiled at the idea.
"I am still more for Bachira's idea. That boy loves food way too much, I think that will provoke him." Barou said.
"Mhm! Or, we could braid each other's hair. We always used to do that together." Chigiri suggested.
"Rin, do you have any ideas? You are awfully quiet." Karasu commented as the boy sent him a side-glare.
"I am mostly out of ideas. Whatever the majority thinks we should do, I will do it." Rin shrugged his shoulders, trying to hide the anxious feeling he had.
"Charles, Kaiser, Ness, do you three have any ideas?" Gagamaru wondered as the attention was now on them.
"Just let him spend a day with me! I am sure I can help him was better than anyone else can." Charles said while pouting.
"You don't know him that well to claim that!" Reo, Nagi, and Barou yelled.
"I don't care, whatever works, works. I just want him to stop crying whenever Ness or I speak to him."
"It's so annoying." Ness rolled his eyes, ignoring the heartbreak he felt when he remembered all the times (Y/n) cried when they spoke to her.
"You all don't worry, (Y/n) will be his old self again. Right, Isagi?"
The said boy looked over at Hiori, giving him a nervous smile in return.
"Yea... Yeah, of course! He will be back again."
"We should hurry up, then. If we don't get him to regain his memories, his journey here in Blue Lock is over." Karasu spoke up, earning alarmed looks from the others.
"What?! What makes you say that?!"
"This isn't the time for jokes, crow-head."
"You are not funny, Karasu!"
The said boy ignored Rin, Kaiser, and Barou's comments and spoke up again.
"I heard Loki and Snuffy-san talk about it in the hallway today. PIFA and the JFA are tired of waiting. They said if (Y/n) doesn't get her memories back by Friday, it's over. He is getting kicked out." An eerie silence fell among the group as they looked at Karasu in disbelief, but they knew the boy well enough to know he wasn't lying.
"Those money hungry bastards..." Ness clenched his fists as Kaiser and Charles just glared at the ground.
"But.... Isn't Friday tomorrow?" Tokimitsu asked in panic, alarming the rest.
"Don't worry! We still have time!" Kunigami gulped, now even more worried about the oblivious captain.
The next day...
"Hm?" (Y/n) frowned as she put Nagi's phone down.
"Do you remember now?" Nagi asked as Reo, and Chigiri looked at her in excitement.
"No... sorry. I wasted your battery for nothing." The girl said apologetically.
"It's ok! Don't apologize!" Reo said quickly as he took his phone back.
"This isn't good. My method didn't work. Otoya's didn't work, Bachira and Barou's didn't, and now yours failed as well. What now?" Chigiri whispered to Nagi, who for once looked genuinely worried.
"I don't know-"
"(Y/n), there you are!" The girl jumped in surprise as she saw two other players approach her.
"Oh, hi... Niko and Aryu, right?" The girl asked slowly, earning a quick nod from them both.
"That's right. I wanted to ask you to read some mangas with me."
"And I will put on a face mask on you in the meantime."
"Mangas? Face mask? I used to do those things?" The girl blinked in confusion as Aryu and Niko pulled her up.
"Of course! Let's go!"
"Hey, I am coming with you!"
"Me as well!" Charles and Tokimitsu yelled, running after the trio.
"How much time do we have left?" Chigiri asked in worry as he looked back at Reo.
"A good... 3 hours. The JFA president won't be here till 16 o'clock. Karasu, Kurona, and Isagi are keeping an eye out for him." Reo said back as Nagi groaned and laid his head on the table.
"I want (Y/n) back..."
"We all do..."
With (Y/n)...
"So, this is the manga I always read with you?" (Y/n) wondered as she sat with Niko while Aryu had put a face mask on her.
"And I used to put on a face mask as well?" She asked, looking at the two, who quickly nodded their heads.
"Do you remember anything now?" Charles asked, smiling nervously as he gently grabbed her arm.
"Yeah... is this working by any chance?" Tokimitsu gulped nervously. They all looked at (Y/n) as she looked around the place. Truth be told, she did see some foggy memories, but couldn't put a finger onto anything. Nothing was familiar at all.
"No... sorry..." She sighed, looking down at the floor. Charles and Tokimitsu looked at each other in worry as Aryu and Niko started panicking a little. What now?
But, before anyone could say anything, the door had opened and outside was Anri, looking at the 5 players in relief.
"Oh, you are here. Uhm, (Y/n), there is someone who wants to speak with you." Anri said sadly, which caused alarm bells to ring inside the other players' heads.
"And who would that be?" The girl asked, rubbing her head as she got up.
'No... it can't be over...'
'I thought we still had time!'
'This can't be it!' Aryu, Tokimitsu, and Niko thought nervously as Charles had an uncharacteristically stone cold look.
"You know, before that accident a few days ago, you actually had a huge bid on your name from Re Al, a Spanish team, you still do. But, considering we failed to bring back any memories of yours back, your football career might end today. The captain of that team just wanted to speak to you one more time. You are a huge fan of his. Leonardo Luna is his name." Anri explained, trying to hold back her own sadness as the girl numbly nodded her head. Seeing her stoic reaction to the Spanish players names caused the boys to flinch a little. Their are used to seeing her fangirl over him... not act like this!
"Sure! I don't remember really anything, but it sucks that I have to leave."
Alarmed Charles got up from his seat and ran over to the girl, not caring how fast he was going.
"Wait! You can't just leave me like that! This isn't fair! We were supposed to play against each other at the World Cup!"
Without a warning, he ran into (Y/n) and hugged her tightly, which caused her to lose her balance and fall down.
"(Y/n)!"
"Not again! Now he will lose his memories completely!" Tokimitsu yelled as Niko and Aryu ran over to get Charles off of her.
"No! I am not letting you all take hin away from me! No way!" Charles cried out as his hold around (Y/n)'s waist tightened. Seeing the boy cry caused the others to move away a little.
"It isn't fair!" The French boy said as Anri tried to talk some sense into him, but it wasn't working. (Y/n) groaned as she rubbed her head and slowly sat up.
'Now... now I remember!' The girl thought as a rush of memories went through her mind. Everything that had happened prior and during Blue lock, and even everything leading up to today.
"Huh?" She muttered as everyone looked over at her, minus Charles who was busy crying.
"What is going on? And what do you mean I won't play football anymore. I am completely fine! And... and did you say Leonardo Luna is here?! I look like a mess! I can't face him like this!" The girl blushed as she looked at Anri and then down at the clothes she was wearing. Aryu and Tokimitsu's eyes widened in surprise as Anri held in a breath, waiting for what will happen next.
"Do... do you remember everything now?" Niko asked nervously as (Y/n) looked over at him while patting Charles' back. The French boy had stopped crying as he looked at her as well.
"Yeah, now I do. I don't know how, but the memories are back where they should be. You can all stop worrying now." (Y/n) smiled as Charles, Niko, and Tokimitsu tackled her into a hug.
"I will inform the rest!" Aryu said, quickly running out the door as Anri let out a few relieved sobs.
"I will go inform Ego-san and Noa-san!" The woman said as she ran out of the door as well.
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Author's note: This is birth and medical fiction. It's all fake, just a fantasy. Of course I don't want this to happen to me or anyone in real life.
I'd like to have a high risk twin pregnancy. The type where I have to fight my obstetrician to let me try to give birth vaginally and then they try to insist I have an epidural so they can cut into me without delay if something goes wrong. I'll finally get them to agree to let me try it natural if I am invasively monitored throughout and I understand I'm going under general anesthesia the second things go south.
When the day comes for me to be induced, I change into a hospital gown & follow nurses instructions as they put IV ports in both of my wrists. I'm catheterized -- a situation that isn't made any more pleasant by the twinges already squeezing my middle -- and by the time I'm being strapped into the stirrups for the doctor to swipe my membranes, I'm so trussed up I can barely move.
It's my first pregnancy & I didn't expect it to hurt so much just to be pregnant. My hips have been sore practically the whole nine months, in part because of how heavy and low I am carrying the twins. Baby A practically lodged himself between my hips last week and the pressure has been slowly increasing. My breasts are cumbersome and it's painful to even feel the hospital gown brush against my areolas. By the time the doctor is settling between my legs to start my labor, I'm eager to face whatever delivery holds for me to make this pregnancy end.
I'm singing a whole different tune 16 hours later. Or rather, screaming one at the top of my lungs. I am in the throes of transition and suffering the pinnacle of a truly agonizing labor. Baby A is posterior and the pain in my back has me at the edge of my sanity, especially now that the contractions are lasting for 90 seconds, with barely a minute in between.
I'm incoherent at this point. I'm in so much pain I'm only able to think about surviving the second I am living. I'm minimally aware when the nurses move my aching body back into the stirrups so I can push my son into the world. I bear down at their direction and it feels like my ass is gonna bust when his head plunges down.
What actually happens is his precious posterior facial features lodge against my clit as a desperate push shoves him just past crowning and my poor little nub starts to sting. It feels like it's being ripped off and I'm humiliated to find I'm begging my doctor to save my clitoris while I'm straining a massive baby out of me.
I don't know how long I howl a about the pain in my clitoris but the next thing I know the doctor is roughly pulling the shoulders and then the body out of my hole, tearing me more in the process.
I'm aware that my aching canal is empty for the moment. I don't realize I am gaped so badly my asshole is almost inverted. It stings something fierce as birth fluids continue to pour out of my loose, sopping cunt. I start to cry when I realize I am still going to have to push Baby B through my ruined pussy.
I drift in and out of consciousness, occasionally aware of the sharp stab of a contraction. I wake fully to a nurse tapping my cheek to see if I've passed out. When I force my eyes open, she informs me Baby B isn't face down anymore and the doctor is about to perform an internal version. She tells me to brace myself because it will be uncomfortable.
I didn't fully realize the medical actuality of an internal version was for a grown man to stick his entire grown man hand through my cervix and into my uterus. I'm in such utter agony I barely register that the nurses are holding me down by my arms and where my thighs are not strapped to the stirrups. I am experiencing the most pain I have experienced up to this point in my life and it seems to last forever.
I never stop screaming, even when they put a mask pumping gas over my face to try to give me some relief, but the tenor of my yell changes when something shifts and then I feel something rip deep inside of me.
Suddenly all the pain that has come before pales in comparison to what I am suddenly feeling in my abdomen. It is indescribable burning combined with a sudden sense of dread that takes over my body. I am 100% certain that my reproductive organs just gave way with my daughter trapped inside me and I am going to die if something isn't done very, very soon.
It must only be minutes, maybe not even that long, that I lay there while the medical team catches up to the realization that me and my baby are in mortal danger. Time slows down and I feel the rip in my uterus expanding as the contractions, one on top of another now, injure me more by the second. Despite no medical knowledge, I know instinctively that the renewed flood out of my pussy is blood and I am hemorrhaging, possibly to death.
I am utterly helpless now. Strapped down in stirrups, paralyzed by pain, my strength seeping from me as fast as the blood flowing between my legs. I faintly register the monitors start to alarm as I lose the battle with consciousness and my world goes dark.
*******
I wake up groggy and disoriented on a stretcher being wheeled somewhere. I immediately start to panic because there is a tube down my throat and I am really, brutally aware of a long, deep vertical incision that extends from above my belly button down to my public bone. I swear I can feel the layers upon layers they sliced through to deliver my baby. I won't know until later about the battle the surgeons waged, first to save my life and then to save my fertility.
Right now I am only aware of how much it hurts to be jostled on a stretcher with a massive cut down my middle. When the two male nurses move me into the bed, I plead for unconsciousness as my body is roughly transferred to a bed. My tailbone hits the mattress and reverberates in the form of a sharp pain through my pussy. I've still got a catheter and I feel like every inch down there has been stitched up.
I hope one of these nurses will realize I am aware and therefore in indescribable pain but it seems like the paralytic they gave me before intubating me is the only drug of the cocktail still in effect. I suffer as they lift my hips and put a pillow under my butt. Then they start taking off my hospital gown completely.
My confusion quickly turns to fear as one gloved hand on each side grabs one of my fat titties and starts tugging. Breast pumps are whipped out and the men make quick work of shoving as much of my massive milkers in to each before turning them on simultaneously.
My uterus, even after the brutal surgical repair, still tries to respond to my milk suddenly dropping. The pain of contracting after uterine repair and a cesarean combined with the sudden gush of warm pressure on my aching tits brings tears to my eyes. I must be a strange sight: intubated and naked, massive breasts attached to pumps, with my deflated belly sporting a huge incision hanging above a pussy so bruised and stitched it looks entirely purple.
The elder nurse pats my naked thigh just before he makes to leave. It jostles everything and our eyes meet as I wince at the pain it causes me. A chill runs through my body as I realize he knows I am awake and feeling way more than I should be.
He looks at me the entire time he lubes his gloved fist, a sinister smile on his face. He settles between my legs and pauses to look up at me again.
"I bet you wish you'd had that epidural, huh, dear?"
My vision goes white as I feel his whole fist plunge into my pussy with a force absolutely intended to cause me a fatal amount of pain. My vision goes white and I feel pressure building in my chest as the stitches holding my cervix together start ripping. The last thought I have before I go into cardiac arrest is how I don't want to my last memory to be of being brutally fisted in my obliterated, post-birth pussy while my heart explodes in my chest.
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uchiwife · 11 months
Text
pairing : itachi uchiha x sakura haruno
[No Uchiha Massacre]
cw: hospital, arguing, mention of an injury, mention of poison. Some implied feelings(sort of) ANGST.
wc: 1,248
a/n : English is not my mother tongue, so please excuse me for any mistakes I might commit in it. ꒱࿐♡ ˚.*ೃ
Part2 , Part 3
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“Where do you think you're going?!”
Sakura's voice snapped, glaring at another of what she called "difficult patients." The man didn't seem fazed by the medic-nin's irritation, instead, he was finishing putting on his second sandal. He had been here far too long for his taste. Four days, sure, but it was already four days too long.
“Home.”
She clenched her jaw. Hell no! He'd just had surgery a few days ago, there's no way he's leaving now.
“No.”
“What do you mean 'no'?”
“You can't leave, Itachi. I didn't give you permission to do so. You're coming out of a pretty heavy operation. You need to rest.”
Itachi narrowed his eyes, a wave of displeasure washing over him.
“I'm fine. And I have some business that can't wait.”
“If you mean missions, I've cancelled them.”
“You what?”
If he was displeased at first, now he was downright annoyed. He didn't understand the point of occupying a bed he no longer needed. He was feeling better, so as far as he's concerned, he could leave.
“You heard me.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Don't give me that look.”
Itachi closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath.
“Sakura, you had no right to do that. It's not your decision to make. I appreciate your concern, but it is not necessary. It's up to me to say whether or not I can handle a mission.”
“Like hell I can't! I'm the one who had to fix the damage done to your body, so I assure you that I'm in a very good position to make that kind of decision. Besides, Shishou agrees with me.”
“You have already discussed this with Hokage-sama?”
She shrugged as Itachi took a step forward, heading for the door. Too bad for him, Sakura blocked his way.
“What do you think you're doing!?”
“I'll go talk to the Hokage. Now step aside.”
“She won't agree with you on this, Itachi. She trusts my judgment and if I tell her you need to be taken off the mission roster, you will be.”
“What right do you have—”
She cut him off ;
“In my capacity as a doctor. I outrank you in the chain of command when we are within these walls. Deal with it.”
Sakura probably had a secret death wish, how else could she explain addressing one of the most feared ninjas in the village like that? Fuck, feared even in several nations! But she couldn't let him leave the hospital. He had almost not made it. Of course, she had managed to save him, but, the amount of poison found in his chakra system was nothing to sneeze at. She could see that he was irritated. She knew him well by now and normally she wouldn't have been so insolent with him, but, as she had said, she was the boss in this hospital. En plus, his father would be sure to ostracize her if anything happened to his precious and talented older son.
“This is ridiculous.”
Stubborn as he is, Itachi wasn't going to let it happen. That's why he was determined to go and discuss it with the Hokage. He respected orders, Itachi submitted to Tsunade Senju's authority because it was his duty as a Loyal Shinobi of Konoha, but that wasn't going to stop him from using his persuasive skills on the woman. He had done it before, and he's still alive to talk about it, isn't he? He had dodged the cup of Sake she had once thrown at him, he could very well do the same with her stapler. His decision made, Itachi headed for the door once again.
“Ita—”
“For God's sake, stop it! You are really annoying me.”
The words had come out of his mouth without him realizing it. He was exasperated and the days spent in that hospital bed plus the rest were getting on his nerves.
Sakura gasped, forgetting even what she was going to say, caught off guard by his outburst. A long silence ensued.
Those words again...
Always these words.
It stung.
It hurt. A lot.
She felt the familiar sting of tears at the corners of her eyes. An ironic smile tugged at her lips. Apparently, it ran in the family. She remembered all those times when she was younger, Sasuke had said those same words to her. It had always hurt her a little, but this was worse. Because Itachi was not unaware of how Sakura had been treated by his little brother. He even intervened once. Of course, as Sasuke had grown up, he had eventually apologized, in his own weird way, sure, but he had apologized. She had forgiven him. Because that's what she does : She forgives. She had her heart on her sleeve.
It doesn't mean that she forgets, but she cares about Sasuke and that time was already long gone. She knew why Sasuke had been so hard on her, he had explained the reasons, the pressure he felt to live up to his father's expectations, the pressure he put on himself to be as good as his brother. He had simply vented his frustration where he could. It wasn't fair, but she was the one who took the brunt of it. And she understood, really. But Itachi, what was his excuse? She’d talked to him about it. They had talked about it in private. She had told him about that part of her life, as silly as it might seem to others to feel hurt by mere words, but he had understood. He had even apologized for his brother's attitude and assured her that she was far from annoying or weak.
She thought he, more than anyone else, understood the weight of those particular words. Apparently, they were just empty words. She should have known better. Never trust what a man says when he's lost in pleasure and between your legs. Serves her right.
Foolish little girl.
The silence stretched, but Sakura refused to show even a hint of weakness. She would not cry. She took a breath and grabbed the clipboard on the small table and scribbled down some instructions and a prescription and then signed the discharge form, which stated that he was being discharged against medical advice. She then handed him the paper with a blank look.
“As you wish then, Uchiha-san.”
Itachi's eyes widened slightly, surprised to hear his last name, by the change in her demeanor. And he knew. He just knew. He had fucked up.
"Sakur-" he tried to reach out to her, but she shied away, cutting him off with that cold, professional tone. So impersonal compared to earlier.
“Please, leave. I still have patients to attend to. I wish you a speedy recovery.”
He sighed. He knew better than to insist. This was not the right time. He took his discharge and walked to the door. He paused, his hand on the doorknob.
“I'll see you later.” He said softly and it almost sounded like a question.
The only thing Itachi could see was her back. There was no indication that she had heard him, and if she had, she didn't acknowledge him.
When the door finally shut and she no longer felt the ANBU captain's chakra nearby, she let a choked sob echo through the empty room.
Maybe it was true what they say: words hurt more than blows. And the Uchihas really knew how to hurt her.
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nellasbookplanet · 2 months
Text
Book recs: possession, bodysnatching and bodysharing
Demons, ghosts, aliens, sentient bacteria, artificial intelligences - isn't there something fascinating about the idea of sharing a body with another being like a giant get-along t-shirt? No? Too bad, because I'm going to tell you about books featuring this trope anyway.
A note: multiple of these books are sequels where the bodysnatching/possession aspect plays little to no part in the first book. In all these cases, I still recommend starting with book one. I also in one case chose not to include a certain sequel that I loved as even mentioning it in this context would be a huge spoiler, so, uh, sorry about that.
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For more details on the books, continue under the readmore. Titles marked with * are my personal favorites. And as always, feel free to share your own recs in the notes!
If you want more book recs, check out my masterpost of rec lists!
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Brain Plague by Joan Slonczewsji*
Chrys, a struggling artist, agrees to become a carrier for a sentient strain of microbes. With their help, Chrys breathes new life into her career and becomes a success. But every microbe society is different - some function as friends and brain enhancers to their carrier, while others become a literal brain plague, a living addiction taking over the life of their carrier. And like every society, the microbe community is in constant flux - including the one inside Chrys's head.
Children of Ruin (Children of Time series) by Adrian Tchaikovsky*
Sequel to Children of Time. Millenia and generation spanning scifi. After the collapse of the Earthen empire, a project to terraform various planets and use them to uplift other species to sentience in left unfinished. However, both species and planets continue evolving on their own, and when what remains of humanity flees the dying Earth millenia later, these planets might be their only hope of survival. But the uplifted species aren't the only intelligent life out there, and are far from the most dangerous as the survivors encounter something capable of terraforming the human body itself.
Leech by Hiron Ennes*
Unbeknownst to humanity, a sentient hive mind has taken over the entire medical profession to ensure the health of their host species. One of their doctors is sent off to an isolated location where they’re cut off from the rest of the hive mind, only to realize they’re faced with a rivaling parasitic entity. Leech hands you only just enough information to get by, and whether its historical fantasy, an alternate timeline, or futuristic post apocalypse is hard to determine. It’s spooky and a bit weird and wildly creative.
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A Memory Called Empire (Texicalaan duology) by Arkady Martine
Mahit Dzmare is an ambassador sent to the center of the multi-system Teixcalaanli Empire, where she discovers that her predecessor has died. Trying to protect her home, a small independent mining station, from being taken over by the empire, Mahit struggles to find out the truth of her predecessor's death while carrying the voice of his ghost in her head, guiding her as best he can. Features a sapphic relationship but focuses more on world-building than romance.
Ninefox Gambit (Machineries of Empire trilogy) by Yoon Ha Lee*
Military space opera where belief and culture shape the laws of reality, causing all kinds of atrocities as empires do everything in their power to force as many people as possible to conform to their way of life to strengthen their technology and weapons. It’s also very queer, with gay, lesbian and trans major characters, albeit little to no romance. Disgraced Captain Kel Cheris is given a second chance by allying with the undead Commander Shous Jedao, who in life never lost a battle, but also went mad and massacred his own army. Now, Cheris must decide just how far she can trust him, with her forces as well as with her sense of self.
My Heart is Human by Reese Hogan
Nine years ago, all complex technology was made illegal. This complicates life for Joel, young transgender single father, as a bionic just uploaded itself into his brain without consent. Scared of losing his daughter, Joel tries to keep the bionic secret while using it to fix his life, but things quickly get more complicated as the bionic gains more and more control of his body. A bit simplistic in writing style but makes a lot of cool parallels of bodily autonomy to Joel’s experiences as a transman.
Bonus rec: if you like the general concept of struggling for physical control over one’s body with an AI, may I also suggest the (much grittier and gory) movie Upgrade.
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The Host by Stehpenie Meyer*
The Host follows Wanderer, an alien part of an invading force on Earth. Humans have been defeated and are being used as host bodies, but Wanderer's host Melanie is being difficult and refuses to fade away. Instead she fills Wanderer's mind with images of Jared, the man she loves and who's still in hiding. With Melanie's feelings bleeding into Wanderer's the two reluctantly ally to find and keep safe the man they both love. While The Host does feature Meyer's trademark romance - of which I'm not the biggest fan - the more interesting and arguably more central relationship is that between Wanderer and her human host.
Needle by Hal Clement
1950s classic. A small island in the pacific ocean and a fourteen-year-old boy have just become the center of an interstellar chase between an alien Hunter and the criminal he’s pursuing. Robert is a regular boy, but he has a very special passenger: an alien symbiont hiding inside his body. The alien became stranded on Earth as he pursued a criminal of his own species, and now they are both trapped on the same island, playing a game of cat and mouse as Robert and the Hunter struggle to find their prey before it finds them.
Malevolent by Harlan Guthrie*
Lovecraftian horror mystery. Private detective Arthur Lester wakes up in his office, his partner dead, memories fuzzy, vision gone, and the voice of a malevolent entity in his mind. Unable to see, Arthur is forced to rely on guidance from the entity as he attempts to solve the mystery of what it is and where it came from. Is this a book? No. But as someone who reads mostly audiobooks, the difference between a book and a fiction podcast is negligible, and also I love this story and its characters and want all of you to do so too.
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Goddess of Filth by V. Castro
Novella. What starts as a drunken seance between friends ends with one of them chanting in Nahuatl, the language of their Aztec ancestors. Following that night, the formerly shy Fernanda has changed. While her family calls for priests, claiming her possessed by a demon, Fernanda's friends believe what has taken up residence in her is something decidedly older. A quick read featuring female rage, desire and empowerment, this is a different twist on the typical possession story.
This Alien Shore by C.S. Friedman
Space opera in which humanity found a way to faster than light travel and began establishing colonies all over the galaxy, only to belatedly realize the method of FTL caused irreversible mutations and disabilities and leaving their nascent colonies to die. Much later, many of the colonies have survived and thrived, and one has found a new method of FTL travel, allowing an interconnected space society to grow. However, Earth is on the hunt for their method and is prepared to do anything to steal it. Trapped in the middle of all this and forced on the run is young Jamisia, who is little by little coming to realize that not only might she be the very solution Earth is after, she's also not alone in her own mind and body.
Touch by Claire North*
Kepler should have died long ago, beaten to death in an alley. Instead, a switch happened as Kepler leapt into and took control of the body of the killer. Since then, Kepler has lived in body after body, having gained the ability to inhabit anyone with a touch and stay for anything from a few minutes to an entire lifetime. Kepler cares much for the host bodies, and when one of them is brutally assassinated, Kepler must find the killer, avenge the host's death, and stop it from happening again. You want a fucked up main character with fucked up morals who still genuinely cares for people? Then boy do I have the book for you!
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The Midnight Bargain by C.L. Polk
Fantasy romance. Beatrice Clayborn is a sorceress, but if her family gets its way she won't remain so for long. Married women are forbidden from practicing magic, and Beatrice's father is intent on marrying her off to save them from destitution. Beatrice has a different plan: become so powerful a sorceress that she can herself save her father's business and becomes too valuable to marry off. To achieve this, she strikes a bargain with a minor spirit of fortune. In return, the spirit demands to be present in Beatrice's body as she experiences her first kiss... a kiss with a man who might jeopardize all her plans.
Pandemonium by Daryl Gregory
Del Perce's world is almost indistinguishable from ours, the only difference being the presence of possessing entities that can strike with little to no warning. When he was young, Del was possessed by one of these demons, which was eventually exorcised. But now he’s experiencing a resurgence of symptoms, a voice in his head demanding to be freed. To save himself, Del races to find out the truth behind the possessions.
The Thousand Eyes (The Serpent Gates duology) by A.K. Larkwood*
Sequel to The Unspoken Name (please read that first, I promise this duology is very worth it). These books have a lot going on: portals, flying ships, orcs, elves, creepy snake gods, possessions, cults, immortal evil mages who traumatize teens as their hobby, gay and lesbian frenemies, the works. Csorwe, born and raised in a cult and meant as a sacrifice, escapes her intended death with a mage who becomes her mentor. But he has dangerous motives of his own, and Csorwe must decide where her loyalties lie.
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A Skinful of Shadows by Frances Hardinge
Young adult, historical. All her life, Makepeace's mother has been teaching her how to defend herself from the possession of ghosts, until one day her guard drops and a wild and fierce spirit slips in. When Makepeace's mother dies and she is sent to live with her father's family, this spirit might be her only defence. Because her family is harboring dark secrets, and they have plans for Makepeace... plans which do not care for her well-being. Unlike most other YA I've read in terms of vibes and plot, A Skinful of Shadows is a unique and intriguing read.
Vespertine by Margaret Rogerson*
Young adult fantasy. Artemisia prefers the dead to the living, and is training to become a Gray Sister, a nun who helps the souls of the deceased pass on to the afterlife rather than remain as dangerous spirits. To defend her convent, Artemisia accepts the help of a dangerous revenant, a powerful spirit which grants her great power but also could possess her the moment her guard is lowered. As evil threatens her homeland, Artemisia and the revenant must find a way to work together.
A Psalm of Storms and Silence by Roseanne A. Brown
Young adult fantasy. Sequel to A Song of Wraiths and Ruin. To save his family, Malik has made a deal with a dangerous spirit with equally dangerous demands - the death of the princess. Meanwhile, princess Karina is seeking her own power, meaning to resurrect her assassinated sister no matter what the prize. As their paths intertwine, the consequences of their pursuits keep getting higher, both for them, their nation, and the entire world.
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Grey Sister (Book of the Ancestor trilogy) by Mark Lawrence
Sequel to Red Sister. Fantasy with sci-fi flavor. Nona is being raised to become a killer at the Convent of Sweet Mercy. But dangerous classes aren’t Nona's only problem: her planet is slowly dying, and her own inner demons whisper in her mind. As the sun grows weaker and ice creeps ever closer, Nona and her allies race to save themselves from extinction.
Fifth Quarter (Quarters series) by Tanya Huff*
Sequel to Sing the Four Quarters. Fifth Quarter is only loosely connected to the first book in the series so you could read it as a standalone, however I still recommend starting with Sing the Four Quarters as it is very good. Bannon and Vree are siblings and highly skilled assassins, but they are put to the test when a failed assassination finds them sharing a body, their intended victim having stolen Bannon's. Now, they must choose between remaining loyal to their Empire, or helping their supposed victim find a new body to steal - and he doesn't want just any body, he wants the royal prince.
The Nein Eyes of Lucien by Madeline Roux*
Recommended with the caveat that you're unlikely to get the full experience unless you have also watched Critical Role Campaign 2 (which is quite the time investment, but very worth it). It follows the antagonist Lucien, first owner of the body we know as Mollymauk Tealeaf, both before Lucien lost his body and after he regains it in the ultimate struggle against Mollymauk's old friends, the Mighty Nein.
Bonus AKA I haven't read these yet but they seem really cool
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The Scratch Daughters (The Scapegracers trilogy) by H.A. Clarke
Sequel to The Scrapegracers. Sideways Pike used to be able to perform only party tricks, but in finding new friends and starting a coven, the four become powerful witches. But not everyone wants witches around. After having gotten her spectre stolen and losing her ability to perform magic, Sideways is forced to rely on Mr. Scratch, a book demon taking the place of her spectre to keep her alive. Now she must struggle to get her magic back before it’s too late.
Riding the Odds by Lynda K. Scott
Sci-fi romance. Tara Rowan is a spaceship captain with secrets - a past she wants to leave behind, and Zie, an organic symbiote which grants her greater strengths and reflexes. But when sexy Holy Knight Trace Munroe blackmails her in an attempt to rescue a missing princess, Tara's secrets are in danger of being revealed.
What Doesn't Break by Cassandra Khaw
Like The Nine Eyes of Lucien, you're unlikely to get the full experience of What Doesn't Break unless you're also a viewer of Critical Role. It follows the backstory of Laudna, undead sorceress and warlock with the ghostly presence of the necromancer who once murdered her keeping residence in her mind and tugging at her strings.
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Every Day (Every Day trilogy) by David Levithan
Every day, A wakes up with a new body and a new life. A has rules on how to deal with this existence - don't get attached, don't get noticed, and don't interfere. But when A finds themself falling in love, all their established rules no longer apply. This one has also been adapted as a movie!
This Body's Not Big Enough for Both of Us by Edgar Cantero
A. and Z. Kimrean are twin siblings and private eyes - they also share the same body, calling themselves A.Z. When someone starts murdering the sons and heirs of a ruthless crime boss, it falls on A.Z. Kimrean to solve the case and find the killer before all out gang war breaks out.
A Madness of Angels (Matthew Swift series) by Kate Griffin
Two years ago, sorcerer Matthew Swift was killed. Today, he woke back up. And he isn't alone in his body... Now, he seeks vengeance not only against the one who killed him, but also against the one who brought him back.
Honorary mentions AKA these didn't really work for me but maybe you guys will like them: Bone Rider by J. Fally, The Lives of Tao by Wesley Chu, What's Left of Me by Kat Zhang, Hunter of Demons by Jordan L. Hawk, Odder Still by D.N. Bryn
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Text
Rant about my health and life coming it's alot so only do it if you're interested and also very important TW mention of end of life.
I am going to the hospital again tomorrow.
I had a break down last night. Saying I can't do it anymore.
If it wasn't for my cats, I would end it all.
Being in pain 24/7 drives you crazy.
I've been in survival mode so much that even certain organs don't function the way they should.
For people who maybe don't know. Our instincts come from back in the days where we had to maybe flee from a big animal for example. And when you have to survive, you can't get tired, because you need to run. You can't get hungry, cause you need to run. You can't feel happy or anything, because you can only think of survival.
I started to notice my morphine didn't do anything, neither did anything I took after. One day I took morphine, muscle relaxer, sleeping pills, and I felt NOTHING. No pain relief, not feeling high.
I also had my chronic migraines again, my period again. (I take meds for the chronic migraine and have to take the pill for my endometriosis)
Turns out I have gastric paralysis from the situation I'm in. So my meds didn't go in my blood etc, just straight through the body. Which is why nothing worked. I now need medication to to make my stomach work to.. Take my medication..
I have a depression again. I am $uicidal.
I won't hurt myself don't worry, I wouldn't leave my cats. My partner, best friends, my mom are also all suffering from my condition. As in it pains them to see this all and they care.
A condition doesn't only affect the person who feels it. But also the environment.
I went in this procedure with pain on 26th of September, and because it went wrong, I also came out of it with pain.
In total now when it comes to my face, I've been in pain and surviving for 6months now.
I am done. I need either a period that they say okay we'll give it 2 more months and then we really need to take steps, or give me pain relief NOW.
But just hearing '' it can take up to months until the nerves fix themselves, it could be okay '' doesn't cut it. Because sure they can heal in their own time, but I cannot be in pain for all those months? This isn't humane.
And then the doctor of the hospital called this morning after my mom reached out to them saying it can't continue like this. And we said specifically let the doctor call my mom. But then my phone rings, they called me. And I hear
'' - what do you want me to do..''
'' - I think it's important just to get you calm right now. ''
But I can come by tomorrow. With my mom because the issue is I am scared to stand up for myself and will say to quickly '' it's okay''. And it's not. Which is why we wanted them to talk to my mother.
After that call, I called my mom crying that they are pushing these meds on me that have a shit ton of side effects, I already take 7 pills a day (now even 10). And they wanna add more.
I don't wanna become a '' junkie'' depending on the morphine. Because i' m scared I often just sit through the agonizing pain. But if I don't get decent pain relief, I will have to dependant on it. Because if I have to do this for more months.. I am scared I will do something stupid eventually that will be unreturnable.
My best friend told me yesterday '' you have no quality of life. ''
And it's true. And he hates it, and I hate it aswell.
My mom then called to my doctors office (GP) the secretary picked up. She told me afterwards that she was crying to her that it's an emergency to please let her talk to my doctor. And they did. My mom also cried during that conversation. And my doctor agreed, it's going to far, someone needs to help. So he moved heaven and earth to say it like that and got me an appointment with another neurologist in another hospital, the 15th of January. It normally takes months. But he made it happen. And I swear.. This man.. Saved my life more times then he knows.
I am very nervous for tomorrow tho and if they will do something or just tell me again '' sorry it happened I wish I could do something but most likely after months it will heal. '' I feel rage, cause it's easy to say that when you aren't feeling it.
Today I also broke down at my chiropractor.
She said I looked pale. I said I had been crying for 2 days now. And when I told her that I felt suicidal, she said '' no no no, if you ever feel like you're gonna do something, you call me okay?? " and I cried and she hugged me. And then sat with me to talk. And she wants to take me out on walks in her private time.
I also have my psychologist tomorrow, she is also fighting to help me. Last time she literally took me in on the weekend in her private time.
I am glad for my support. But I just can't anymore.. The pain is driving me crazy. Which is also scientifically proven. Your brain changes.
So again, the fact that my content has changed so much is because of that.
Because I am not me.. Not anymore.
But hopefully I will find a way. Even just a little.
If you read all this, wow. You're a star. And thank you ❤️
And eventho I prefer not to let people see me this way. It's the truth, it's how bad it is, it's not pretty, I don't sleep, barely eat, don't feel feelings of fun, my skin is bad,.. But it's me. And because I love you guys, most of you are so lovely so it's only fair to share.
Love you.
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i-cant-sing · 5 months
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I just want to take a moment as someone from Israel-in Israel. A woman in Israel.
I do not agree with what my country is doing. I do not agree with the violence and atrocities we commit. But just like Americans, we can be against a war our country is fighting.
Yes, if Israel stops this war, the war is over. It is not equal.
But we cannot ignore what Palestine has done, also. I have lost family. Many people I know have lost family. I am fortunate in that I was not ever taken, I am far from the border, but I know someone who lost a sister. When her body was recovered, she had been raped. This happens on both sides, as women are seen as property of the state. But it does not excuse it. There is no excuse in raping women. Not even for freedom, as how can you achieve freedom through violating women?
I understand it muddies waters to say that there is violence on both sides. There are atrocities on both sides. We like to pretend it is one sided as it makes it easier. But it isn't. You can be the country in the right and still commit war crimes.
I understand if my words are seen as unwelcome here. But I wished to see it acknowledged, the pain that has been brought, not always justly. War is simple, but it is also complex. Trauma goes back generations, it grows roots and takes hold. The fear of the Israeli people for another holocaust is perhaps not well founded, but it is real in our minds. It will always be. The hatred we faced for something not of our doing by Palestinians was real. Our response does not become justified, an overreaction is not justified. But it was real. Their hatred for their land being taken was real-but their reaction to us was not justified. Not in the beginning.
I suppose i am trying to point out the suffering we face as a reminder that we are not our country. I do not enjoy seeing myself and my family and friends vilified in media because of where we live-where we were uprooted to because our family was murdered and our homes taken from us. But I understand our government does evil, now. But we are not our government. Even if we wished to speak up for Palestine, we would be branded terrorists. The things done to innocents is never justified, on either side.
This isn't a war because for a war, both countries should be able to have somewhat similar resources to defend themselves. It's a fucking massacre, a genocide, a cold blooded murder.
Look at Israel's military budget, that gets US aid. Now compare it with Palestine.
Your suffering, the death of your loved ones, your pain, its not invalidated, but it certainly will never compare to the pain of Palestinians.
I understand that this is Israel's government that's behind all this, but you guys are the ones who voted for them. So you should come out and begin protesting for Palestine, even at the cost of being labelled as "antisemitic" or "hamas sympathiser". If Holocaust survivors were to be here, do you think they'd stay silent? People of Israel chose and voted their government officials who now don't even consider Palestinians as humans, so... sorry to say honey, but yall are also responsible for this genocide.
Water, food, fuel, electricity, even donations and trucks carrying MEDICAL supplies have been cut off or prevented from reaching Palestinians. Is that happening in Israel rn? Didn't McDonald's just promise to supply food to the Israle armed forces??
Now, anon, imagine this-
Your country is being bombed, what for? You're not even sure exactly at this point. You've been kicked out of your home, which was then bombarded. your dad's business? All gone, his money, tears sweat, were all for naught. You've been shifted to a refugee camp, and you've been moving from one camp to another for many years because you're constantly hearing airstrikes. You've lost many of your siblings, family, friends. Every night that you go to sleep, with your mother making sure that all of remaining family members are sleeping together, so that in case something happens, you're all dead and no one has to live in pain to mourn for others. Your entire childhood is gone now because you've witnessed such horrible conditions, death is almost always a certainty, and you're struggling for basic necessities such as drinking water, food, etc. Almost all of your family is dead, you were one of the "lucky" ones who didn't die under a pile of rubble. You're grown up now, and you're thinking of leaving this hell by educating yourself and applying to a university outside of Palestine but oh oh! Well, the passing rate is incredibly low, less than 1% of students pass a test which is graded by an occupying force. The doctor who onec treated you is now breaking down becase she lost her entore family in the airstrike while she was helping victims of the same airstrikes, but she doesnt have time to mourn them or wven bury them because the hospital is understaffed nd theres way too many trauma patients in the triage that need her. Oh and look, your best friend was just shot in the back of the head. What for? He was just walking down the street. And the little kid you saw yesterday? Well he was body slammed to the ground by the occupying force's police and taken into custody where he was forced to confess to a crime he never committed, WAS TRAUMATISED AND TORTURED and was never even given a fair trial before he was locked up for more than 2 decades, after which this kid, now an adult has developed schizophrenia. As for you, you thank your lucky stars because you passed your test somehow but oh no. You're suddenly being taken into custody by the occupying force for "suspicious activity and links to a terrorist organisation".
Shall I go on?
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highfantasy-soul · 3 days
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NATLA Episode 7 - The North (3/4)
[Masterlist of my NATLA thoughts]
An explanation of what I'm doing here and my history with ATLA.
Of course, full spoilers ahead.
<previous/next>
I like Katara getting to learn about healing without the negative associations. In the animated series, Katara asks to learn waterbending and Pakku tells her no, to go learn healing from Yagoda. It's framed in an extremely negative light and Katara is already angry and sad going to the healing igloos. Once she arrives, the animated show again enforces that this is a demeaning place to be - all the other students are young children.
It's odd to me that HEALING is framed as a stupid, easy, skill that even children can do - and that it's 'beneath' Katara. People go to college for YEARS to be good at healing, medics are always highly prized in all people groups, and it's a complex skill that takes a lot of time and effort to learn and continue to get better at. The way the animated series frames it, healing is the easiest thing in the world and it just 'comes to you' - like when Katara perfectly healed herself on instinct after Aang burned her and here in the last episodes of the animated show where like, 5 year olds are learning the skill. I really like how the live-action gave healing the respect it deserves and had Pakku not let on that he wasn't going to teach Katara combat - and speaks of Yagoda with respect, not like in the animated show where he's extremely dismissive of her talents. Katara walks into the healing igloo with an open heart and mind to the skill of healing and it's treated seriously, like a waterbending skill that's valuable, not just a silly thing for children. Katara gets to express true interest in healing rather than the distain for it she shows in the animated show - which honestly doesn't really make any sense.
To me, the animated show 'degraded women's work' far more than the live-action did even though people tried to argue that removing Sokka's sexism arc, therefore removing Katara's rant about how she always did the laundry, was somehow super sexist in and of itself. Framing women's work as healing - and something even children could do - and have Katara agree that it was stupid and less than combat (men's work) to me, is much more sexist. They've been at war for 100 years. Why are there not any adult women in the animated version visible being medics or practicing in the healing igloo? The live-action shows them going about their daily duties - healing cuts and injuries that all societies deal with - it gives healing the respect it deserves. We didn't even get to see any of the lesson in the animated series, it just jumps to Yagoda asking Katara who she's marrying (because of course that's all women would talk about).
Ironically, as the animated series tried to tackle the sexism of the Northern Water Tribe, they inadvertently made the story itself buy into sexist ideas. They made healing (women's work) the stupid and bad technique that we don't want to spend time with (we don't even get to see the lesson, it just skips to the end and isn't talked about again), combat (men's work) was the good and powerful thing we want to do. The sexist part of society wasn't the healing - just like doing laundry, cooking, or childcare isn't sexist - it's when you aren't ALLOWED to do anything else and ONLY one gender does those tasks that it becomes sexist. In the animated show, Yagoda and the healing huts were framed as the 'bad' thing rather than the system. The live-action corrected this by giving healing the respect it deserves and making the women of the Northern Tribe not 100% on board with the way things were done, but they did go along with it (as many who are raised in very strict societies do).
I don't see how anyone can watch this scene and say Katara doesn't have fire, she doesn't have anger, and she doesn't speak up against injustice in the live-action. Just because she doesn't start a screaming match with Yagoda (or Pakku) doesn't mean she isn't standing her ground. She doesn't just accept the denial of combat training - she argues her case, tells them their decision is wrong, and THEN picks the fight. It's good to show this, then contrast that to Sokka being welcomed in and respected for his abilities. Both he and Katara have things to share with the north, but if they only value certain contributions from certain people, then conflicts are going to come up - but Sokka might not see them at first since he's being treated so well.
It's funny to me how the times that the live-action makes the story LESS like Game of Thrones, people still complain anyways about that change. I don't think having the Northern Water Tribe not force engagements on their young women is 'weakening' the story at all or 'watering down' flawed cultures. Some ppl are saying that women being able to break off engagements in the northern water tribe is an example of inconsistent worldbuilding since women aren't allowed to fight there. But not being able to fight and being forced into a marriage you don’t want are two very separate social issues. In America, women got the right to choose whether or not to marry a man long before they got the right to go into combat.
It's canon that Yue's father loves her dearly, and even in high control groups, women usually have the right (even if it's frowned upon) to deny an engagement with a man. Gran Gran broke off her engagement to Pakku in the OG, so it's not like it's unheard of - maybe she ran away because she would have been forced to marry him anyways, maybe she did like so many people do and left home because she wanted something different. Do you still live in your hometown? If not, is it because you were forced to run away or just because you wanted to start your life elsewhere? In an already packed finale, adding a love-triangle/forced betrothal subplot wasn't necessary. It doesn't add much to the characters, it's not the main conflict for them - the fire nation attack (and Yue subsequently having to give up her life) is.
I LOVE that the live-action is giving ample time with so many past Avatars! The OG focused mainly on Roku (whom I love) but getting to see Yang Chen mentioned early, Kyoshi interacting with Aang personally, and now Kuruk who only got like, one line in the OG series, it really fleshes out the world - and Aang's expectations - a whole lot. Showing a wide variety of Avatars and the issues they faced/how they handled them/the price they paid sets the personal stakes for Aang and starts us down the path of figuring out what type of Avatar Aang is going to be (just like Katara says later in this episode).
Yue is actually a CHARACTER in the live action!!! I'm so glad they fleshed her out and explored what life would have really been like for someone with a piece of a spirit inside them! Of course it's going to change her, redirect the path she thought she'd go on in life, and the idea that she can pop into the spirit world in her dreams: it makes so much sense, just like the waterbending! In the animated series, Yue was just 'princess, must marry Hahn for my people', but here, she is an active participant in her duty to serve her people. She makes them food, she helps them with their spiritual journeys, and she explores the Spirit Word for fun!
I love what they did with Sokka's arc this season. We see why he keeps his mask of sarcasm and jokes up - so that he can put on a brave face when feeling inadequate and like his hurts aren't as important as the other harm in the world. Yue yet again is able to show she's her own character by performing the duties she's chosen on Sokka - to be a spiritual guide and help people. She saw who he really was - in the Spirit World caring about his friends despite the danger he was in himself, and she fell in love with him. To me, that's a much better love story than a princess just seeing a cute guy and falling for him.
Aang keeps trying to insist that he's going to do this with the help of his friends - but in this interaction with Kuruk, I get the feeling that he's starting to lean a little TOO much on them - just like he wants to lean fully on the past Avatars. He's 12, terrified, and ill equipped to save the world right now, but that's what people are asking him to do.
The past Avatars, though they give him the advice to go it alone, are all speaking from a place of pain because THEY didn't take that advice. Kuruk lost Ummi, Roku lost Sozin, though I haven't read the novels, I'm sure Kyoshi had attachments she lost too. They're all trying to fix their own mistakes through Aang and on the surface, the advice that Aang is going to have to bear the burden or risk his friends getting hurt has validity, it's how you use that advice that makes the difference. Yes, we all, in the end, have to make our own choices and put one foot in front of the other (metaphorically) ourselves - we can't shunt that task off onto anyone else - BUT taken to the extreme, it weakens you in every way to go it alone. But when you have people who have been hurt yelling at you to not get hurt like they did, that fear can take over and you might forget the strength of your friends.
I like how the live-action incorporates the animated concern Aang has in the Siege of the North Part 1 - that he's just one kid, he doesn't have the power on his own to defeat the fire navy - and had him go ahead and explore that before the battle starts. Since they know it's coming, trying to find a way to tackle the problem early makes a lot of sense. It actually lets the dread build up as we know the attack is imminent and there's no solution coming up rather than being in the middle and finally realizing 'it's too much to do alone'. In the animated show, Aang explicitly wants to talk to the spirits so they'll 'unleash a crazy amazing spirit attack on the fire nation!' and only amends it to 'or wisdom, that's good too' when he doesn't receive applause for that idea from Yue and Katara. That was animated Aang's goal during the siege - let someone more powerful than him take control and do it for him - a goal that he shares with the live-action Aang. Though in the live-action, this takes the form of him asking Kuruk, his past life, to do the job for him like Kyoshi did.
I love how the live-action makes Pakku just as sexist, but in a 'reasonable' way that we see more often in real life - just like Ozai, he genuinely believes what he's doing is right and has 'logical' arguments for it other than 'we just don't let women fight…because…for no stated reason, we're just sexist, don't think about it too much'.
But live-action Katara still doesn't let that slide - it doesn't matter how many 'logical' arguments you make or how 'reasonable' you sound, the practice is still wrong and she's going to let you know. Katara's right - she has EXPERIENCE fighting fire benders - again with the non-traditional methods of learning. Pakku's students learned fighting in a controlled and formal environment, but Katara has ACTUAL battle experience. It doesn't matter that she 'hasn't been training for this' her entire life, she's ALREADY BEEN DOING IT. But, if you only value formal instruction, real-world experience doesn't sway you (*cough* lots of watchers pretending Katara didn't train properly this season *cough*)
Some argue that Aang not wanting Katara to fight in the battle is out of character for him, but I'd like to point people to part 2 of the winter solstice where he tries to go to the fire nation without Katara and Sokka because it's too dangerous and when they meet the fire nation blockade, he repeats that 'this is why I didn’t want you to come with me, it's too dangerous'. Not to mention his whole thing at the beginning of season 3, so it is 100% in character for Aang to try to shield his friends from danger by having them sit out the dangerous missions. Aang being afraid for Katara's safety is fully in line with his character and I have citations from the animated show to prove it. Maybe end of season 3 Aang would never, but season 1 Aang, when faced with danger beyond anything they've seen before and after having been yelled at by his past life who just told him that his love had died because he was too close to her, yeah, it's in line with Aang's character to be shaken by that.
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wordstro · 4 days
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[2] sector one: post-apocalypse au + mingi + "it's for my friend."
a/n: 3.2k words, gender neutral reader, mingi x y/n, post apocalypse/dystopia typical violence, baker!yn
part 1 | series masterlist | part 3
-
you liked baking focaccia. dimpling the bread calmed you.
you also liked learning combat. just in case you needed to run. just in case. combat was not as calming as the hours you spent baking, but it was important. complacency would be dangerous, and that thought remained a nagging voice at the back of your head.
for weeks now you attended ms. hyori's combat training sessions on your days off from the bakery, but ms. hyori had an accident where she'd slipped from one of the watchtower ladders and broke her ankle so she's been stuck on sewing duty - she hated it, if her constant, very loud groaning that could be heard throughout the compound was anything to go by.
unfortunately for sector one, the medic was a temporary replacement after the previous one had died on a medical supply run, and sector one still had not found a medic with actual working medical knowledge. this had been a problem since before you'd even entered sector one. unfortunately, training people who spent years spent within the walls of sector one with a measly tattered medical textbook only created a group of medics that could treat nothing worse than cuts, scrapes, and sprains.
injuries such as hyori's were treated mostly with bandages and strict rest orders to ensure that they healed properly; at least this was what yeri had told you the other day as you both worked on a round of focaccia bread from possibly expired yeast scavenger crew three found near a rundown gas station. broken bones often did not heal right before the Invasion; you could not imagine dealing with one now.
when you arrive at the training grounds, everyone else is already discussing who would replace ms. hyori, their hushed voices mixing with the early morning chirping from the birds. despite everything, nature kept on, and you always figured that was how the end of the world would go. hearing it and seeing it firsthand, though, was still jarring.
"morning, everyone," joy's soft, airy voice fills the training grounds. though she isn't loud, her voice echoes, and it seems to capture the attention of everyone instantly. even the early morning birds get quieter. joy strides to the front, people stepping aside to make room for her. there were two people trailing behind her.
joy has a bright smile on her face, her eyes sparkling, as she turns to face the group. the two unfamiliar people at her shoulders - one tall and the other shorter, but both angular, made rugged by their days beyond the wall, no doubt, with matching knitted brows, watchful eyes, and an air to them that you knew meant they were New - merely loomed behind her, like a brewing storm.
joy gestures to the two men beside her. the tall one towers over her, a looming figure with a quiet, intense aura. somehow the shorter one is scarier, his features sharp. he looks like the type of man that would have been casted in a television show about gangs.
the tall one, though terrifying in his height and stoic demeanor, appears almost docile in nature, gentler, in comparison. he keeps his distance from joy, you notice, but his eyes flit over the class attendees, lingering on each of you as if he is making mental notes in his head. he is rightfully wary, but he did not seem explosive or impulsive, which was hard to come by in this new world where many attacked first and asked questions last.
"as you may have already heard, hyori is out indefinitely until she's fully recovered. luckily for us, a couple newcomers have enthusiastically agreed to help with combat training during this time slot."
joy waves at the two men. neither of them look remotely enthusiastic.
"hyori has given them her approval, so i'm sure they'll do great. everyone, meet san," joy gestures to the shorter, sharp-featured man. his name suited him, his demeanor jagged like a mountain. joy turns, craning her neck to look up at the tall man, smiling brightly as she points at him, "and mingi. i know you all have things to do, so i won't keep you any longer. i hope you all treat each other kindly. san, mingi, if you need anything you know where to find me."
joy waves as she leaves, her personal guard following behind her. you stare at the two men.
mingi. back Before you would have thought this was merely a coincidence, but the world was truly small nowadays so coincidences no longer existed, at least not with names. this had to be that mingi. chocolate chip mingi. yeosang's friend.
yeosang comes by at least three times a week to request pastries. it was not the norm, really, and the kitchen head often looked down upon such a thing, but you allowed it. you liked the company, and he seemed more relaxed with each visit. it fascinated you, watching him open up to you so slowly. unfortunately, you didn't have chocolate chip cookies, as that last bit of chocolate chips was devoured quite quickly by dinner time the very same day you met yeosang, but you you still referred to yeosang's friend as the chocolate chip man. yeosang's friend who was named mingi. who is here in front of you. you you could finally put a face to.
yeosang never really bothered to bring mingi around.
"i swear you only come around here so you can get first dibs on any fresh batches," you muttered after you swatted yeosang's hand away when he tried to pick at a scone you'd just pulled from the oven.
"it's for my friend," yeosang said, "he's sad."
"yeah, yeah, yeah," you'd rolled your eyes, "i'm starting to think this sad chocolate chip man isn't real."
yeosang had laughed, but he did not say anything to refute your half-assed joke. you still gave him an extra scone before shooing him away from your kitchen.
you'd started to think you might have liked yeosang's company.
most importantly, you started to think his friend did not exist. perhaps yeosang needed company himself, and had no idea how to ask for it. you understood that need; you've had plenty of newcomers linger in your kitchen in search of someone to listen as they rambled on and on. yeosang mostly lurked in your kitchen in silence though. so clearly, this mingi was not real.
except now you know he is very much real.
mingi's eyes meets yours over a few heads, and you find yourself quickly looking away first, shuffling from foot to foot as you focus your attention on san. you feel as if you know him, when he likely has no idea who you are.
"...start with a few simple stretches and then i want you to show me your defensive st..." san's voice drones.
~.~.~.~.~
the rest of the session is quick, and on par with hyori's level of skill, though san and mingi clearly lack her positivity. san does not smile once, and mingi did not speak. somehow, san's intimidating, piercing stares and one-worded corrections as he walked around the training field is motivating though, because the class seemed much more serious this morning than you've ever thought it'd be.
when you first arrived at sector one, the disregard in everyone's demeanor had put you off. it was disconcerting, to think that you'd spent so long living in constant vigilance, while everyone here treated important things such as combat training like it was a boxing class at a local gym.
even after so much time in sector one, the nonchalance still bothered you. you could not shake the fear and anxiety, despite everything. san's stoic demeanor brings with it a sense of urgency in the other members of sector one that you often did not see. perhaps it was more present in those who did supply runs or worked outside the wall, but not in classes like this. it's as if his wariness is contagious.
where san is stoic, his directions short and his patience shorter, mingi does not say a word. he merely taps on shoulders, taps at incorrect points in someone's form, and demonstrates the correct form over and over until the person understands. he certainly has patience, and his presence draws command, despite his inability to speak. you find your eyes drifting to him, even as you try to keep your focus on san.
after class, you sit sprawled in the grass, fanning yourself. the sun has gotten hotter over the last few days, and sweat drips down your back at the simplest of tasks.
san and mingi are talking quietly as the other sector one training session attendees disperse. you didn't think mingi could speak, but it seemed he could, but he chose not to.
"hey, mingi, san!" a familiar voice calls. yeosang appears, waving at mingi and san. so, this is chocolate chip mingi. "do either of you want to -"
yeosang cuts himself off when san walks away mid-sentence, disappearing into the shower rooms at the edge of the training field. he did not look back or acknowledge yeosang. yeosang stares after him, a long look that has you scrambling to your feet, suddenly feeling as if you are intruding on something that was none of your business.
being nosy, though tempting, only spelled trouble, Before and After. besides, the secondhand embarrassment curling at the pit of your stomach as you watched yeosang's shoulders droop and his smile slip from his face was enough to have you scurry to the showers as quickly as you could.
~.~.~.~.~
"it seems this mingi character is in fact very real," you say to yeosang moments after he appears like clockwork at the door of your kitchen the next day.
"what?"
"so it turned out my new combat instructor's name is mingi."
"oh," yeosang nods. "yeah, joy's forced us all to take up hobbies."
there's scorn in his tone as he spits out the last word. you laugh and he scowls at you as you say, "so what does she have you doing?"
"take care of the livestock," yeosang mutters.
"that sounds nice." it did. sector one only had a handful of cattle and chicken, but they were sweet. joy mentioned during your tour that the cattle would not be used for meat unless absolutely necessary, as their manure and milk were more beneficial to the compound. the chicken were used solely for their eggs. it was as if joy was giving you reassurance, as if you were allowed to get attached to these animals if you wanted to, because they would remain. she listed it off as if she'd repeated the same sentiment time and time again.
"well, it's not nice." yeosang rolls his eyes, "it smells like shit."
"sounds like cuddling a cow or two would do you some good, yeosang."
yeosang glares at you, "that is exactly what joy said."
"and now you have a second opinion."
yeosang's glare deepens, but he keeps his mouth shut.
you cut the sourdough loaf in front of you into thin slices. the crunch as you slice into the bread with your dull knife fills the room for a long moment.
"it's so fucking stupid."
you look up at yeosang, "what is?"
yeosang gestures around you both, "all of this. everything is so...nice, and it's fucking insane. how do any of you...why is everyone so..."
yeosang's frown only deepens as he crosses his arms over his chest.
"normal?" you finish for him.
he nods, "it's fucking insane."
you'd thought the same thing, when you were alone in your little cot in your tiny room - it was a little brick room that fit a small cot, a tiny rickety chair, and a scratched up table that you were sure they'd swiped from a school. your clothes were stacked neatly in a woven basket you'd made yourself the first few weeks after you'd arrived. it wasn't much, and you figured the single rooms were so tiny so no one would spend all their time in their rooms - you spent countless nights staring up at the stone ceilings, counting scratches on the brick or missing pieces in the grout, and wondered the same thing. how was this sane? what if the compound was attacked? would anyone be prepared? what if none of this was real, and you'd succumbed to some kind of madness? how was everyone okay with pretending things were normal?
you still wonder the same thing. but the thing is, more often than not you find yourself looking forward to your shifts in the bakery. you watch exhausted smiles stretch across the faces of people - fellow survivors - as they bite into fresh bread or a sweet treat you'd made, and you understand it. it feels like living again. you hadn't had the chance before the invasion, really. everyday, rumors spread of new couples dating. two pregnancies were announced during your time here. it's insane, and you think everyone around you knew it as well. yet you congratulated them anyway. you kept an escape bag under your bed just in case. yet you returned to your kitchen shift like clockwork. you understood it so well. was that naive of you? of all of you?
you wipe your hands on your apron and you say, "why do you come here everyday asking for sweets for mingi?"
yeosang frowns, tone harsh, "why the fuck does that matter?"
you glare at him, matching his harsh tone, "do you think you're the only person in this entire compound that comes here asking for fresh bread or something sweet for a friend? everybody is just trying to cope. is it a little insane? probably, but who the hell are you to judge when you're the same?"
yeosang maintains his scowl, his lips pressed into a thin line. he says, "i don't trust places like this. you're an idiot if you do."
"do you think i do?" you snap back.
yeosang scoffs, "whatever."
you watch as he rolls his eyes, turns on his heels and storms off, a whirlwind of anger, and you wonder if yeosang had a bad experience with settlements like this before. you'd ran from a previous group when they started plans to settle. yeosang did not seem like the type to run from things before they got difficult, at least not the way you did.
~.~.~.~.~
"partner up!" san calls out, clapping his hands as he looks around expectantly. "we're going to practice one-on-one now."
there's been an influx of participants in this particular class ever since last week - likely due to whispers of the new instructors. yeri had mentioned to you how dreamy the newbies were, especially the tall kind medic who she assisted the other day. you did not blame them, really. san is handsome, in an angst-ridden sort of way - a rugged mysterious man whose serious demeanor leaves everyone wanting to know more. mingi was a chiseled handsome, more sad than anything else to you, and, frankly, you found it fascinating how quiet he was. but most of all, you liked that he seemed gentle, like he would not even hurt a fly. his presence made you more comfortable than san's for that reason.
"you're the baker right?" you turn at the voice.
a man with longer black hair, tanned skin, a stocky build, and twinkling eyes crosses his arms over his chest as he peers at you.
you frown, "yeah, i am. why are you asking?"
"let's partner up," he says, ignoring your question. he does not smile as he holds a hand out, though he does keep talking, "i'm wooyoung. i'm new."
you introduce yourself, and his expression twitches. you watch as he settles into a fighting stance, fists in front of his face, legs solid and wide. you settle into your own fighting stance.
san calls for you all to start, his voice ringing through the training fields.
wooyoung says, "so you're the one who's upset yeosang."
he says it more as a statement rather than a question. you blink in surprise. you hadn't seen yeosang since he walked out. you wondered where he was - maybe you even worried a bit - but at the end of the day you and yeosang were not friends, so did it really matter if you checked on him or asked around about him?
"i..." you frown at wooyoung, "he upset himself."
wooyoung's eyes narrow. suddenly he lunges at you. you're unprepared for when he easily side swipes your limp hands and pulls your hands back, shoving you into the ground. you certainly eat dirt. wooyoung lets go of you pretty quickly. you glare at him, "what the fuck was that for?"
wooyoung shrugs, says, "you should have been ready."
you get to your feet, swinging at him as soon as you do, but wooyoung is ready. he's too good at hand-to-hand combat. it pisses you off. he grabs your wrist and twists it until you're turned with your back to him. then he jabs you in the knees and you collapse. he lets go of you, stepping into your view.
you rub your twisted arm, bewildered, "are you serious? is this because yeosang is upset?"
wooyoung hums, "nah that last one was because you used up my entire chocolate chip stash."
before you can say anything, someone clears their throat behind you. wooyoung's flick up behind you and you turn from where you are still sitting on the floor clutching your arm.
mingi looms over you, nearly blocking out the sun. he is a shadowed outline, his chiseled features softened by the shadows he casts. his hands are stuffed into his pockets, and he does not say a word. he just holds out a hand towards you. you take his hand, and he easily hauls you up to your feet.
wooyoung rolls his eyes, "i'm just having a bit of fun."
"you're being mean." mingi says. you startle at his voice. it's a deep rumble, a little raspy. you look between mingi and wooyoung, as they both seem to have a conversation with only their eyes, leaving you to stand awkwardly in silence between them.
wooyoung throws his hands in the air, "whatever, i'll spar with san."
you watch wooyoung stalk away, and all you can think about is that those chocolate chips must have come from the newbies. from yeosang and his friends. why didn't joy tell you when she gave you the bag? all you can think about is wooyoung clearly being pissed at you because yeosang was upset. protectiveness like that was normal these days, though you found such codependency dangerous. you were with a group once who would kill people just for looking at them the wrong way. it was dangerous and strange, and you were never one for codependency, even back before the invasion.
"thanks for that," you say, after a beat of silence.
mingi just shrugs.
the silence lasts another moment before you add, "i'm y/n."
mingi smiles then, even as he says, "the baker."
you nod, unable to help your own smile. his smile is infectious, all gummy and sweet, adding an unexpected charm to his expression. you laugh a little as you say, "yeah, the baker."
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happytaffeta · 15 days
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Not going to reblog the post because I respect and agree with the op and I don't wanna write a fucking essay about my feelings on their post, but I finally stumbled across a photo of the calf and I haven't had a great afternoon, and i haven't had a great week. So uh. Here's your warning: Animal husbandry is important to me. I grew up in a rural area and I, and every kid I knew, and all my neighbors, kept various animals and a lot of them were livestock. I never kept cattle but I knew kids who did. I am going to be sad and angry below the cut, and I'm putting it below a cut because it's gonna be a bit long and maybe not super articulate, and definitely not always as kind as I maybe could be. I don't expect to change the minds of people who think that what's happening to that poor thing is okay. But I need to get some thoughts out.
I kept rabbits, goats, chickens. Mom had(still has) horses. we had cats and dogs and occasionally would capture reptiles and amphibians, look at them for a bit in a secure container, and then release them in a safer location where they wouldn't get hit by a tire or spotted as easily by the dog, or my kid brother(gentle, but young, so both clumsy and curious) or the rowdy neighbor boys(less gentle, just as young). You breed livestock, even on a small, 4-H kid, backyard scale, you end up on a first name basis with death. Wildlife happens. Sometimes there's a nasty outbreak of something and it hits half your flock. Sometimes there's stress from a hot summer day or general social group aggression. There are ways to avoid a lot of things but when you're a first time keeper of a given animal type trying to start a little show flock, or a nice little herd for your project book, no matter how much you read up first, there are things you learn by running up against the reaper. Some eggs never hatch. Some kids are stillborn. A first time mother gives birth on the wire instead of in the nest box. Now and then there's an invisible but fatal physical defect that kills a critter later. My first doe kid died a week and a half after I brought her home, heart defect. No one knew. She was weaned and everything, cause I didn't bring her home until after she was full time eating solid food.
This calf is not going to be okay, ever. This is a blue eyed white foal kind of situation, except those are pretty avoidable for the most part. You cannot save these babies, and trying only adds more pain to an inevitably early death. Trying makes you into the monster, it makes you be the one causing pain. This is an infant who is never going to be able to understand why the world consists of suffering, and there is no way for us to explain it, and there is no way to make it stop that is not death. This isn't a life to save. This is not someone who can consent to life-extending medical intervention. This is a creature who needs as gentle and quick a farewell as we have the power to give. Please don't do things like this. Please don't make us into monsters. Please, let the suffering baby beasties go.
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theworldoffostering · 8 months
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We keep on keeping on.
I managed to get Ms. 6 out of the tent this morning and then talked to DS. He must have told me “I don’t know” 15x in 15 minutes while I attempted to debrief last night with him. So basically, I have zero understanding of what he was feeling or thinking. He was helpful in packing up camp, so I know he felt a little bad about what happened but he has expressed no remorse or really any emotion whatsoever.
I talked with Ms. 6 separately after speaking to DS this morning. I offered to take her to Jackson and buy her a plane ticket home (at her expense), but she couldn’t problem solve what she would do after she arrived in Chicago. She eventually decided her best bet was to drive home with us.
Her mom texted me and it’s clear to me that Ms. 6 is doing her best to triangulate her mom and myself. No surprise there.
I told Ms. 6 if she was going to ride home with us, she needed to be both kind and respectful. Mostly she spent the first five hours pouting and keeping to herself (which isn't the worst thing she could be doing). Refusing to eat or take meds. Typical spiral loop for her. I kept trying to be upbeat and continued to engage in positive things but in very short spurts.
I can’t tell you how hurt I am that DS was involved in this and cut our vacation (that I really needed) short due to behaviors. Secondary trauma sucks.
We ended up stopping in WY for dinner. Ms. 6 continues to refuse any and all food options. I offered to buy her basically whatever she wanted at the restaurant or a gas station. She said she would eat when she “gets home.” That’s like tomorrow night and the last time she ate was yesterday afternoon so I gently reminded her that wasn’t going to work.
She told me I could leave her in WY because I was a bad mom. Then she called her mom and played the victim card and said she couldn’t eat because SHE was stressed. She proceeded to escalate in the parking lot and I just calmly explained that she needed to eat so that she could take her medication and get out of the spiral. I reminded her that she was much safer to be around if she had food and needed medication on board. She eventually took the meds but no food and then demanded to be left there.
After awhile we agreed we would be willing to take her to a bus station. We drove over there. The next bus leaves tomorrow evening and it’s a 30 hour ride to get home and will cost her $200 for a ticket. She decided at that point she’s rather eat a couple of bites of a cheeseburger and ride with us. It delayed us well over an hour.
Then her mom texted me that maybe Ms. 6 couldn’t eat because she was stressed. I tried to explain the need to eat, that I’m sure she was stressed, but she brought that upon herself, that she didn’t have access to food when she was younger, etc. Then her mom said she definitely had access to food when she was younger. I’m not going to get into it with her mom, but it is clear to me after having placement of Ms. 6 and her siblings that they definitely did not have consistent access to food. Idk if her mom genuinely doesn’t remember that due to addiction, or she’s blocked it out, or something else.
Her mom seemed happy in the end that Ms. 6 was not going to be on a bus. She also told me that Ms. 6 was welcome to visit her but she was not looking for placement of her so we’ll see if that’s true or not in the coming days/weeks/months.
We are staying the night in the middle of nowhere and then hopefully will make it home tomorrow.
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linabirb · 2 months
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[PJSK OC Unit Introduction #01] Pain Killer
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THE GIRLS!! ARE HERE!! YAY!! please be nicey to them...
more information about them under the cut!
(note: when it comes to their designs, their names are written in "first name, last name" order, but in their profiles their names are written in "last name, first name" order. also, about everyone's covers, at this point i feel like pjsk has so many covers, i can type literally any vocaloid song title and i will be able to find a pjsk cover of it, so if i say that a unit could cover a song that already has a canon cover, simply nod and agree with me 👍 also also, even if someone has "vocalist" as their position, obviously others sing too. also also ALSO, this takes place in the original timeline and not the brand new world one.)
(warnings for descriptions of physical and mental health problems, mentions of death, self-harm, toxic relationships and suicide, also this unit overall has a hospital/medical theme, so if you're not comfortable with that. yeah)
SEKAI Info.
Unit name: Pain Killer (i thought this would be a fun name for a unit with a medical theme! and it also has a deeper meaning, like, all of these girls' lives are painful in their own ways and they're tired of dealing with it, so they're going to KILL IT. but it also can be interpreted as them trying to get rid of this pain not in the most healthy way and getting addicted to it..)
Members (names are written in the "first name, last name" order): Yuuki Satou, Sae Chou, Kanami Nagai, Inori Watabe
Virtual singers (i've said this before, i'll be going with different vocaloids, but i'll still keep at least one "standard" virtual singer in every unit): Hatsune Miku, Oliver, Flower, Kaito, Utatane Piko, Mayu
Virtual singers' roles:
This SEKAI's Miku is a nurse and she seems to be very kind, thoughtful and soft-spoken. She cares a lot about the patients and the unit members and tries her best to give them good advice. It still feels like she's hiding something though.. When it comes to her design, her pigtails are more wavy and the tips of her hair are soft pink. She has two-colored eyes as well and they are both pink and teal.
Oliver is one of the patients. He's a very shy and kind-hearted boy who cares about the unit members and other patients' health and needs more than his own. Maybe it's because he enjoys the attention he gets as a patient with the most severe condition a little too much? His design is overall pretty similar to his original one minus the outfit and he wears a hospital gown similar to the ones Pain Killer members wear.
Flower is one of the patients as well. She clearly hates being here and she wishes she could just heal from all her pain already. Despite her cold and intimidating personality, she seems to be getting along with Oliver. Her design is very similar to her V4 standard one, she wears a hospital gown and there are some bandaids on her body and she has an eyepatch as well.
Kaito is the doctor that takes care of everyone and checks up on them. He seems to be very similar to WxS!Kaito as he gives off this older brother/father figure vibe, but he can be strict when needed, for example, when the unit members are refusing to take a break and rest. His design isn't that different from the original one minus the outfit, but he also wears glasses and has a hair gradient that goes from a darker shade of blue to the lighter one. If you remove his glasses, you can see that he actually has dark circles under his eyes.
Utatane Piko is an android who helps with detecting the patients and the unit members' health issues. He looks a lot like a human and you can notice the robot-like elements of his design only if you look closer. He seems to be only doing his job at first and not really having any feelings about it, but he actually takes it very seriously and gets attached to everyone in the process.
Mayu is a nurse as well, just like Miku, and she seems to be very overprotective when it comes to the patients. She always feels like they're still too sick and she doesn't trust them when they say that they're feeling better. It's possible for her to start feeling this way about the unit members too. Outside of that, she's a very cheerful and talkative person who is definitely the most extroverted one out of all Hospital SEKAI's virtual singers.
SEKAI creator: All unit members
SEKAI name: Hospital SEKAI
SEKAI description: This SEKAI is able to change its appearance based on the unit members' physical and mental health state. When at least one of them is suffering, the SEKAI will look like some kind of abandoned hospital that you would see in a horror game and if all members are doing okay, the hospital will look completely fine. The patients (Oliver and Flower)' physical and mental state is also directly connected to certain members. Of course, they can't actually die, but they can still feel pain.
Characters Info.
Satou Yuuki.
Name: Satou Yuuki (佐藤優希) (her last name means "assistance, help, aid" and "wisteria", her first name means "gentleness, kindness" and "rare, hope, beg for") 
Age: 17 years old
Unit: Pain Killer
Position: Vocalist and guitarist
Gender: Female (She/her)
Birthday: July 1st (Cancer)
Height: 168 cm
Family: Father, mother, grandmother
School: Miyamasuzaka Girls Academy (Class 2-A)
Club/committee: Health committee
Hobbies: Learning history of medicine, helping out at an animal shelter
Talents: Making people and animals trust her
Favorite food: Green apples
Least favorite food: Red apples
Dislikes: Seeing someone in pain
Appellations:
"Satou" (Sae)
"Yuuki-san" (Kanami)
"Yuuyuu" (Inori)
Image color: #F1C5FC
Character description: Yuuki is a rather shy and clumsy girl who finds it hard to socialize and make friends, but there's just something about her that makes people like her anyway. Because someone who was very important to her passed away recently due to illness, she became even more quiet and started to think about isolating herself from others, but after meeting a new student who seems to be having health problems as well, Yuuki changed her mind and decided to become friends with her, hoping that she can make her life better and at least a bit easier. Yuuki overall seems to have some kind of savior complex and she's obsessed with helping others and it's hard to say if she does so because she's genuinely that kind or because she wants those people to feel like they owe her.. or because her self-esteem is so low that she needs at least some kind of "proof" that she's still needed and she still can be useful.
Trivia:
She doesn't like red apples because she thinks they aren't as "juicy" as green ones.
Even though she's a huge scaredy cat, she's not afraid of needles at all and actually seems to have some kind of weird fascination with them.
Her favorite animals are dogs, especially big ones.
She's a bit jealous of Ichika and Saki's relationship and wishes to have something similar.
Interestingly, she actually doesn't remember that "important person" that well and she can't even remember if it was a family member, a friend or a significant other. It's possible that her memories related to that person became blurry because of trauma. She doubts that it was a family member though since she's sure her family would've told her about it and she would've noticed something different about their behavior.
Her hair is dyed and her natural hair color is lavender. She dyed it shortly after that "important person"'s death and she thinks it's possible that these two colors were that person's favorite.
Her personality is the reason why she's wearing an outfit more similar to doctor's rather than a hospital gown when performing in the Hospital SEKAI. She sees herself as a doctor and not a patient unlike the other members.
Chou Sae.
Name: Chou Sae (姚咲) (her last name means "beautiful, good-looking" and her first name means "blossom, flourish")
Age: 17 years old
Unit: Pain Killer
Position: Keyboardist
Gender: Female (She/her)
Birthday: January 16th (Capricorn)
Height: 172 cm
Family: Father, mother
School: Miyamasuzaka Girls Academy (2-A)
Club/committee: Library committee
Hobbies: Reading horror novels, playing piano
Talents: Not getting scared easily
Favorite food: Cheese buns
Least favorite food: Hamburger
Dislikes: Crowded places, forgetting her cane
Appellations:
"Sae-san" (Yuuki, Kanami)
"Sae-chan" (Inori)
Image color: #E9BD79
Character description: Sae is a new student and obviously it's hard for her to get used to her new school and her new classmates. She is a quiet person who often scares people away because of how blunt she is and because of her refusing to sugarcoat things, but she is actually just very.. tired. She can't find energy for socializing, so she often ends up saying something completely different from what she wanted to say. It may seem like she treats Yuuki just as coldly as she treats everyone else, but she actually appreciates her company and even finds her cute in some way. She also.. really likes the attention she gets from her.
Trivia:
Sae and Yuuki are classmates.
Sae shares a lot of similarities with Saki, such as being "the new student who couldn't attend school for some time because of illness", having a lot of yellows and oranges in their designs, being keyboardists of their respective units and their names starting with the same two letters. Their personalities are very different though.
When Sae mentioned that she doesn't like hamburgers, Inori stared at her and after a minute of silence asked "What do you have against America?"
Sae has to use a cane because she recently got a knee surgery. It may sound like something that isn't that serious, but Sae actually had to go through quite a lot of surgeries in her life which definitely had a negative impact on her mental health.
Inori decorated her cane to make her feel better. Sae is grateful to her for that.
She particularly enjoys body horror and psychological horror.
Interestingly, she doesn't just see herself as a patient in Hospital SEKAI, she sees herself as a zombie. Meaning that she sees herself as someone who's already dead or she thinks that with all the surgeries she's had, it would probably be better for her to die.
She's the only unit member who Inori couldn't come up with a nickname for, simply because she thought Sae's name is too short.
Nagai Kanami.
Name: Nagai Kanami (永居叶望) (her last name means "eternity, permanence" and "to stay, to be present" and her first name means "fulfill, satisfy" and "hope, wish, desire") 
Age: 18 years old
Unit: Pain Killer
Position: Bassist
Gender: Female (She/her)
Birthday: April 23rd (Taurus)
Height: 173 cm
Family: Father, mother, little brother (15 years old), little sister (10 years old)
School: Miyamasuzaka Girls Academy (3-A)
Club/committee: Tea ceremony club
Hobbies: Collecting cute hairclips, learning lore of mascot characters
Talents: Lying
Favorite food: Matcha-flavored pocky
Least favorite food: Egg dishes
Dislikes: Getting up early, paper
Appellations:
"Nagai-senpai" (Yuuki, Sae)
"Kana-senpai" (Inori)
Image color: #E4A1C1
Character description: Kanami is one of the most popular students and she's very respected for being so helpful and kind to everyone. She always has the best grades too. Sadly, she gets sick very often, so she has to skip classes and club activities because of that, but she always tries her best to catch up. She seems to have really bad health anxiety because of that, so you can often see her wearing a mask, gloves or simply using hand sanitizer every few seconds. Some people actually think that Kanami is faking her illness to skip classes, but most people believe that Kanami is the most responsible person you'll ever meet. Except.. those people who think she's faking are right.
Trivia:
Her hair is just like that. It's not a weird haircut, her hair really is just like that. Inori said it looks like wet paper. Kanami was not amused.
Speaking of paper, she actually has an extreme fear of papercuts, so she tries to avoid it.. which is hard to do at school.
Her favorite tea is matcha.
She's the only third year in Pain Killer, so she's often forced to do "adult stuff" such as promoting their group, posting their music, etc. She's not happy about it.
The reason why she's faking her health problems is because she's tired of the pressure she receives from her family and the lack of attention due to her being the oldest child. She knows it's not the smartest decision, but she can't come up with anything else.
She sees herself as a patient in the Hospital SEKAI because she wishes to be one so that she could stop feeling bad about faking her illness. She actually wants to be in pain.
Watabe Inori.
Name: Watabe Inori (渡邉以愛) (her last name means "to cross, to pass over" and her first name means "by means of, because of" and "love, affection")
Age: 17 years old
Unit: Pain Killer
Position: Drummer
Gender: Female (Any pronouns)
Birthday: June 2nd (Gemini)
Height: 166 cm
Family: Mother, older brother (20 years old)
School: Miyamasuzaka Girls Academy (Class 2-B)
Club/committee: Swimming club
Hobbies: Sitting on the rooftop of her house, knife throwing
Talents: Telling ghost stories
Favorite food: Salty popcorn
Least favorite food: Carrots 
Dislikes: Relaxing music, bandaids that are "not cute"
Appellations:
"Inori-san" (Yuuki)
"Watabe" (Sae)
"Inori-chan" (Kanami)
Image color: #75C7C0
Character description: Inori never knows when to stop. She laughs too much. Cries too much. Loves too much. So obviously he's not a type of person to take a breakup well. Especially a breakup with a guy who enjoyed seeing her in pain. She still hopes he will come back one day, so for now, she will continue to do horrible things to herself to make him pay attentiom to her. They don't even go to the same school, but it's okay, he can just pay him a visit later. Hanging out with Pain Killer members is fun though.. Maybe even more fun than whatever Inori and that guy had.
Trivia:
Most people refer to Inori by she/her pronouns, but Sae also uses they/them pronouns and Kanami uses he/him pronouns for them.
Inori and that guy were childhood friends and dated for three years.
Yuuki often takes care of Inori's scars and wounds. Inori wasn't happy about it at first since she does so to make their ex-boyfriend come back, but later, he actually started to like the attention they get from Yuuki.
Inori often jokes about looking a lot like Miku (the "classic" one and not their SEKAI one).
She's in the same class as Mafuyu.
Inori finds swimming relaxing.
Unit info.
Unit description: I imagine them being somewhat of a mix of L/N and N25, they're posting their music online and they don't really perform irl and Yuuki created the unit, hoping that they can help people "heal" from their pain with their music.
Unit leader: Yuuki
Original songs info: They mostly play rock (a particularly sad kind) with some elements of electronic music.
Vocaloid covers: I imagine them covering songs like Accomplice by Misumi, Sayoko by Mikito-P, Crier by Scop and Apocalypse Now by Pinocchio-P.
(Bonus) Milgram cover: Even though Throw Down and Triage seem like the obvious choice, I think Weakness would fit their style and their characters much better.
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misty-caligula · 10 months
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helloooo love yj was emotionally destroyed by latest ep but needed your take on the fact that 1) no one seemed to really react to last episodes beating? like there were some snide remarks at Shauna but otherwise hardly anything. Like I was feeling some residue anger towards her and her violence and I thought there *might* be some suggestion to sacrifice her instead. And secondly 2) how did they all get on the same page about killing through cards? Again I don't need them to discuss the steps or anything but just...some protests some dealing with the darkness of the matter....
1)
Lottie has SO much power over them at this point. Last week there was an interview with Courtney Eaton where she said that even thought Lott's on the brink of death here the other jackets still speak for her, and I think they really got this across (especially the way they keep cutting to her laying there, alone, like she's somehow following along with events she's not there for, and others are saying what she'd say, especially when Van says the wilderness chose Javi).
Nat says to Coach that if Lott did die it wouldn't be such a bad thing because of how much she's messed them all up, how heavily she's gotten into their heads. And she's completely right. The reality is that when Lott told Shauna to let it out, she wasn't just giving her permission, she was giving her an ORDER and nobody in the cabin was going to go against it. Shauna's not really held responsible for her actions, because it wasn't her choice, it was Lottie's.
Finally, Lott told her to do it because she said "We NEED you." If they'd have said "We should kill YOU to save Lottie" then they'd be abandoning everything that Lott had suffered for in the first place. They'd be saying that Lottie was wrong for getting Shauna to beat her in the first place.
2)
I think that the setup was there in terms of the way that Melissa and Gen had been talking in s2e7 about eating Kristen if they found her, Misty and Kristen had talked in s2e3 about enjoying eating Jackie, that Shauna had herself said it wasn't the worst thing, that Lottie had agreed that it was a good thing that they'd done, that they've been starving constantly ever since, that Ben's brought it up multiple times, that it's had to have been just CONSTANTLY on all of their minds.
I don't think that it's a taboo that you can break without it haunting you, and without it just... remaining in the back of your mind for the rest of your life. It'd fundamentally change the way that you look at other human beings, as potential food sources not just people. And moreover, it had SAVED them. And now they're starving, again. And they're not incorrect in that Lott's immune system is collapsing, her ability to heal from such damage is practically zero without food. In very brutal terms, she needs protein to repair.
(the actual medical reality of long term malnutrition is far more complex than that, but in the logic of the show, a solid meal will absolutely help)
And when we're talking about human sacrifice I think there's two aspects of it. The first is that they're talking spiritual. The Wilderness sees them, and helps them. If they give the Wilderness a life, maybe it'll give them one.
(Lottie herself said it doesn't work like this, but she's out of commission right now, and her grip on how it works isn't strong anyway, so in her absence this is 100% a thing they can grab onto)
The other aspect is pragmatic. A physical sacrifice of meat, of nutrients IS useful. But more than that... to the cult Lottie is the MOST important of them, the one they cannot live without, period. Van said "I can't imagine being here without her." And Lottie's already said that if she dies they should eat HER. She's already opened this can of worms, already sacrificed her own body, in theory. So they're not... so much attacking each other, as they are all volunteering to take her place on the chopping block, all for her sake (AND for the sake of each other, with the shared understanding that without Lottie they'll probably all die). Publicly acknowledging they're less important than her they're willing to sacrifice themselves for the whole.
See we're used to human sacrifice being this thing where you take someone ELSE and you kill them, for the sake of getting what you want. This is something else. This is taking YOURSELF, and sacrificing YOURSELF for a thing that's more important to you than your own life. To them... they think it's honourable, an act of love, not cruelty, or selfishness.
If it hadn't been Nat who got the queen, I doubt they would've put up any amount of fight. Because Nat's the only one at this point not really on board. Like, if it'd been Mari, she'd have probably cried or something but she'd not have argued, and nobody would've stepped in on her behalf.
The cards are just... a system they already had. If they had straws they'd have used those. They were already dividing up chores with the cards, it makes sense in their little world to use cards as a fair and random system. None of them WANT to die, none of them WANT to do the killing, they just see it as... another unpleasant thing that has to happen.
Which as a sidenote makes me think about the necklace. Jackie gave it to Shauna as an act of love and protection. Shauna gave it back as an act of love and protection. She took it back from Jackie's corpse in the same way. We're so used to seeing it as an ominous thing, but I think that when she put it on Nat it was meant in the same way, as a sign of ... this isn't personal, not malicious. It's love, it's hope that on the other side you're okay.
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tobiasdrake · 5 months
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Amazing how, despite the absence of Peacekeepers in our face right this second, this is nonetheless the worst its ever been.
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I'm not saying Makoto fucked us all. ...but I'm not not saying that. If things continue down this path, Makoto will have killed Huesca and destroyed the Nocturnal Detective Agency, something Yomi's been trying and failing to do for weeks, all in one fell swoop. Yomi will get to ride the high of killing us all and Makoto gets to go home secure in the knowledge that he made this checkmate happen.
Assuming this is the outcome that he intended to happen, of course. But I've watched Makoto work Yomi over. Man's playing 4-D chess while we're all playing checkers. It is highly possible that he meant all of this to happen.
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So this is our motive. To escape the base, we have to find Fink and prove his existence to Yomi - Which will likely involve some retaliatory soul-reaping to avenge Yakou.
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Probably not. Like I said earlier, if all of these security measures are stopping us from leaving then they may be stopping Fink from leaving too. It's possible he's still in the building. If he didn't get out before they turned off the elevator, he may even still be on this floor.
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Right now, Yomi's licking his wounds and figuring out what to do with us. We have breathing room. This is the perfect time to act.
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Desuhiko's not wrong and this is a common complaint I have with Yuma's behavior. But it's better than sitting around with our thumbs up our asses, wondering how long until Yakou draws his final breath.
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If Halara's with us then we must be on the right path! Let's do this!
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Astral projection. Which means if we hold his hand, we can astral project too.
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Hold up, condition? You gonna tell me what that means, big guy?
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I will tear you in half little man.
I mean, I won't. But if you swing on Vivia, I will offer Halara a fiver to snap you in two. I don't even care that Vivia could outfight you in his sleep. They can both kick your ass together.
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It's astral projection. I knew it. This spiritual ability is probably also why he can see Shinigami. He has one foot in the plane that she exists on.
This is going to be fun. I can't wait to Coalesce with it! Vivia, you and I are going to be the best of partners.
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CHOKE ON YOUR TONGUE. I wanna be a gho~ost! T_T
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He is looking right at Shinigami as he says this. He knows exactly what's going to happen if he helps us.
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No, we won't. Yomi's a fascist prick. Before Halara showed up, he was kicking Yakou's body to help him die faster. We're supposed to trust that guy with Yakou's medical care?
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You and me both, my guy. I feel you. I'd love to live in that world too. But it isn't what we have. It's important to always keep moving forward, to keep striving to build a better world to live in. But to always keep one eye on the world that presently exists.
I wish I could believe that Yomi is a good-hearted well-meaning guy who will engage with us in good faith and offer Yakou the care that he deserves. I wish I could have faith that our situation is such.
But I don't. His behavior has given me zero confidence in his willingness or ability to treat us fairly.
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Too harsh, Halara. While I agree that Vivia should help me commit long-range remote-murder, I can't fault him for his reluctance to do so. He's got a good heart.
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Yes to that first one; He does seem violently concerned about the presence of the Book of Death among us, and its involvement in our activities. Rightly so. It's killing people.
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Vivia once again cutting to the thematic heart of these investigations. Through the Mystery Labyrinth, the price we pay for the answers we find far outweighs the value of those answers. We trade lives in exchange for secrets that weren't worth those lives.
Should he truly help us do it? Take the blood upon his hands, the same as ours? Desuhiko and Halara can't fathom what he's talking about because they don't know. They don't understand what's at stake here. But Vivia knows. He sees the monster that lurks over Yuma's shoulder and feeds on souls unjustly condemned.
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I hope he sticks to his guns. I know he won't, 'cause we have a case to crack and game mechanics won't let us just call it here. But this is a strong moment for him.
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Oh, we're going to trick him. Wow. That's dangerous. We don't even know if we'll be able to get our soul back in its body without his help.
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Never mind, he knew exactly what we were on about.
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Yeah, he rolled over fast. "I won't do the thing because I'm morally opposed to it. I have no qualms with helping you do the thing, though. It's not the doing of the thing that I'm against; I just don't want to do it myself."
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SPOOKY GHOST. This is awesome. I'm going to investigate so many things and they won't be able to stop me. And maybe finally take my chance to rub my butt on Yomi's desk like I promised.
Gotta keep my word, y'know. It's called integrity.
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jamisonwritestf2trash · 5 months
Note
Hunt for Tragedy: Chapter One
A lot can change in 7 months. Sometimes, it's good change. Sometimes it's bad. But for Scout, it's bad change.
7 months ago, Scout reunited with his father, who had left when Scout was a baby. And it would turn out his father was Spy, a sassy, irritable Frenchman and Scout's coworker.
Spy died only a week later, sacrificing himself to save his son and his teammates from an otherworldly beast.
But to the Administrator, the death was merely a waste of money. As she said, "mercenaries are expensive."
Miss Pauling talked her into giving everyone time off so she could find a replacement for Spy, as well as new mercenaries for BLU Team.
Time off was the last thing Scout wanted. Almost everyone would end up leaving the base, except for Pyro, Engi, Sniper, and Medic.
Scout returned to Boston with his older brother, Jonah Bidwell.
His last survivng family member.
Scout stopped answering his teammate's calls. He didn't want to hear the fake pity in their voices.
Sniper left messages for him.
But they started to get shorter, until 4 months had passed, and Scout got one last message from the Australian: "Call me back."
Scout didn't care that they stopped calling.
He's lost too much to care.
-
Jonah opens the bedroom door, and enters. Scout doesn't look as he enters, and pretends to be sleeping.
"Scout? I made breakfast." Jonah says. Scout can smell the pancakes, but says nothing.
"I know you're awake, Scout." Jonah pokes him.
"I'm not hungry. Fuck off." Scout glares at him.
"Don't lie to me." Jonah sits on the bed, snatching the pillow away. "I know I can't force you do to anything, but... at least eat the pancakes. It's Mom's recipe. Your favorite?"
Scout still says nothing.
"Why don't you call Sniper back?" Jonah asks.
"I don't want to talk to him." Scout sits up, irritated. "Can you go away?"
"In a minute, fine... but just listen for a moment, okay?" Jonah looks at Scout, his face serious. "I did a bit of digging about Spy's family. You had a half-sibling that died in 1941."
"Is that it?" Scout frowns. "You're my half sibling. Hell, every brother's a half brother--"
"There's more." Jonah cuts him off. "Spy's name was Jacques Murnau, and it turns out his family was really rich. They had a mansion in Paris. Jacques inherited the Murnau will after his parents and sisters were killed in a fire. And he passed that will onto you. Scout, you've inherited a fortune."
Scout stares at him in silent shock.
"What?"
"There's more according to the will, but it's located in Paris. If you want--" Jonah starts.
"We're going to Paris! As soon as freakin' possible!" Scout sits upright. "I gotta see this to believe it."
"Alright." Jonah smiles. "I'll call Miss. P and see what she can arrange. In the meantime, why don't you eat and take a shower? And... maybe call Sniper back."
"...alright." Scour nods, and Jonah leaves the room to let Scout eat.
-
Scout stares at the phone. He has to call Sniper. But would Sniper be willing to listen?
What would Scout even say? They hadn't talked in months.
With an ever-so-slightly shaking hand, Scout dials the number written on a piece of paper, and listens to the dialtone as somewhere many miles away, a phone rings.
"Hello?" An Australian voice asks, and Scout's voice catches in his throat.
He has to talk.
"Hey, Snipes." He says. "You wanna to go to Paris?"
---
I hope you like it! It isn't much, but Chapter 2 is being revised and edited currently! An IRL friend agreed to help me with writing by assisting with editing and serving as peer revision, so it might take a bit for every chapter to be released. But I hope you enjoyed! I'm almost done setting up a seperate blog (had some issues with making a new email to use), so that'll be up and working sometime this week!
THIS IS SO GOOD ANON!
I can't wait to see the new blog, thanks for keeping us updated:)
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after-witch · 4 months
Text
Bright Lights [Chapter 8] [Small Spaces Sequel]
Title: Bright Lights [Chapter 8]
Synopsis: Ollie decides to take Sam out of school for a lunch date. Too bad Sam isn't there.
Word count: 3264
Notes: We pivot to Ollie! I decided during the planning that I wanted Ollie/Coco/Brian to have a bigger role in the story, so we will be alternating in some chapters. Also a quick note, this chapter has some talk about the emotions involved in caregiving for a family member with medical problems, in case anyone is sensitive towards that.
AO3 Chapter Link
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Ollie sat at the kitchen counter and stared at her phone. School had already started, so Sam wouldn’t be able to answer a text message, unless Ollie caught her in the middle of the class change. 
The nurse aide was going to be here any minute; normally, she came every other day when Ollie had to go into the office, but she’d agreed to change shifts that morning after Ollie had explained that there’d been a change in her schedule. 
She sighed and tucked her phone into her purse. Then she pushed a plate of cut up fruit at her dad, who had hardly touched his breakfast. He spent all morning making Sam a lunch. It made Ollie’s chest sting a little--not out of jealousy but pained nostalgia. She remembered the joy of opening her dad’s lunches and seeing what treats he tucked inside. Hopefully Sam would feel just as loved when she pulled out the goodies he’d put in there for her.
“Eat some more, dad. You need some fruit. I’m going to pick up Sam from school and give her the day off. Maybe we’ll go for lunch. I can bring you back something, okay?” She didn’t tell him, because he didn’t remember and wouldn’t understand what she meant: I’m going to explain things. Not everything, but enough. Enough that I can try to make her understand. 
Roger smiled, and picked up one of the raspberries on the plate. It looked a little mushy, but Ollie had been in a rush at the grocery store and didn’t check the container very thoroughly. She didn’t like to leave Sam alone with her dad too much. It made her anxious, made her worry that something would go wrong while she wasn’t there. 
“You going to make up with her?” He asked, before plopping it into his mouth. “You know you should, Ollie pop.”
Ollie smiled a tight smile. “I’m going to try.” She sighed, and felt her throat begin to tighten up. 
She didn’t used to be so strict. She knew that. She used to encourage Sam to run around and explore, trying to give her something like the childhood Ollie had, even though they lived on the outskirts of the city and not in a quiet town with plenty of woods and creeks to explore.
But then things changed. It had started with her dad’s stroke, with those hours spent in the hospital, unsure that he’d ever move again, ever open his eyes, ever talk again. With the horrible, agonizing realization that there was nothing she or the doctors could do; she was backed against a wall.
And then she…
“Coco talked some sense into you, didn’t she?” Her dad interrupted. He smiled, a big toothy smile. There was a bit of mushy raspberry stuck in his teeth. 
Ollie chuckled a little, but he was right. 
Coco and Brian had stayed late the night that Sam and Ollie got into an argument about the field trip. They sent the twins and grandpa Roger upstairs to look over some of his old books, and gathered at the dining room table, speaking in hushed tones.
Coco had spoken first. And, more notably, Coco had frowned. Coco did not frown very often, and especially not at Ollie.
“Ollie, I think--” She paused and Ollie could see her chewing on the inside of her cheek. “I think you should tell Sam why you get so worried. Tell her about… what we went through.”
Brian looked at Coco, but Ollie couldn’t tell what he was thinking. The spaghetti in her stomach felt heavy. 
“I’m not trying to criticize,” Coco added. “I just think… we’ve both noticed…” She looked at Brian almost helplessly and it was his turn to frown.
“We’ve both noticed that you’ve been really strict on Sam lately. No,” he added. “Not just lately. The last few years. Ever since you moved back.”
“Ever since” was one way to put it, thought Ollie. As if everything that had turned upside down in her life since her dad’s stroke could be described with the simplest phrase, “Ever since.”
“You know why I’m strict,” said Ollie. They had all gone through it together--the corn maze, the ski lodge, the island, the carnival. The confrontation with the fact that the world wasn’t as normal as it seemed, and that there were bigger things--older things, scarier things--just waiting to swallow you up. They could be overcome. But by everyone? No. Ollie knew that she and her friends were one of the lucky few who had ever come out of the smiling man’s so-called games with their lives intact.
Coco nodded, and touched Ollie’s arm. 
“I know. I’m not saying that there isn’t a chance something like that could happen.” She stared down at the table. “I’ve thought about it too. What if James or Charlotte wander into the wrong place at the wrong time some day?” She sighed. “But that’s why I talk to them about being wary of strangers. About knowing how to spot when something’s off about a place. About trusting your gut, like you did on the bus that day.”
Ollie bit the inside of her cheek hard enough to bleed. Heat came to her cheeks, to her chest. “Oh. So I’m not teaching Sam the right things?”
“Owl,” said Brian. He hadn’t called her that in a long time. “You know that’s not what she meant.”
Ollie relaxed her mouth, relaxed her shoulders. The slight taste of tangy blood trickled onto her tongue. Her voice was faint and so very, very tired. “I know. I’m sorry, Coco.” Coco gave her arm a reassuring squeeze and she felt tears building behind her eyes. Part of her wanted to run up the stairs to Sam’s room and capture her in a tight hug and tell her everything. Another part wanted to lock her bedroom door and never let her out of the house.
Why couldn’t she just exist in the perfect in-between space, where she did what she could to protect Sam without turning into an overprotective, uptight witch of a mom? Why did she have to worry about things like this at all? 
He’d said there would be no more, that day at the carnival. When they were all standing in front of the gate and she was holding the third key that would open it up and free everyone from his grasp. But that had been before. 
“You don’t have to give her all the details,” Brian said, pulling Ollie out of her thoughts. “It’s not like we’ve told James and Charlotte that we were fighting against some supernatural monster for a year.”
Coco rested both her hands on the table and nodded. “Maybe tell Sam that when you were younger, you had an encounter with… stranger danger. Serious stranger danger.” 
Ollie swallowed against the tightness in her throat. Her spit had the faint metallic taste of blood. “It’s not just that, though.” 
And it wasn’t. It wasn’t just the memory of what they went through that made her stamp down nights-out in the woods for bonfires, visits to that damn ever-returning Webster farm, field trips to a circus.
“It’s like…” She struggled to find the words. She couldn’t tell Brian and Coco everything, either, but she wished she could. “Ever since my dad had the stroke--ever since the divorce--ever since moving back here, ever since… I’ve just--I’ve felt like something’s wrong. Like something could go wrong at any moment. Like there’s something chasing me, and I don’t know what, I just know I don’t want it to get Sam. Ever .”
“You’re stressed,” said Coco. She put her hand on Ollie’s and gave it a squeeze.
“Really stressed,” said Brian, who added his hand to the pile.
“We’re here for you, Ollie. Always. No matter what, and for anything. You know that, right?” Coco’s look was so earnest that it made Ollie finally begin to cry. Soft, slow tears that trickled down her cheek. She felt so loved, so hurt, and so afraid. 
For the first time in a while, Ollie let herself think about her mom. About the way she would take her for walks in the woods to find mushrooms or tap sap. About the way she would talk to Ollie almost like an adult, no-nonsense, no frills. She thought, for no reason at all, about her mom’s watch. She kept it safe in her room, tucked in a dresser drawer. Sometimes she pulled it out and held it, but since the day they had escaped the smiling man’s carnival, it had never lit up again.
“I know,” Ollie said. She put her other hand on top of Coco and Brian’s, as a salty tear dripped from her cheek. “Thank you.”
--
The nurse aide--Miranda--was an angel, or so her dad said. Ollie didn’t think she had a pair of secret feathered wings underneath her neat black scrubs, but she was good at what she did, and she never made her dad feel like a burden or some helpless patient. 
Ollie knew firsthand that tha t was the best trait someone could have in a situation like this. After all, how many nights did it take before her dad would even let Ollie help him get dressed? Early on, Ollie had spent most nights sleepless, because he’d insisted on trying to get up to go to the kitchen or bathroom on his own even though he could barely walk. 
She’d woken once from a dead, dreamless sleep to the sound of him panting and whimpering--she’d launched herself out of bed and found him on his knees in the hallway, an empty glass of water laying on the carpet beside him. She’d held him and he cried, openly, in her arms. 
He wept so helplessly that she wanted to scream, because this was not fair, was it? He was supposed to take care of her--he was supposed to be stronger than she was. And now she felt so small and could do nothing but hope the cold, sinking feeling in her chest would get her through the next few hours as she gingerly helped him to his feet, back into his bed, and got him that glass of water he wanted. 
She didn’t sleep for the rest of the night. She was too afraid he would try to get up again. She was too afraid that he’d call out for her, and she wouldn’t hear him, and he’d lie in his bed wondering why his daughter wasn’t coming. She was afraid of things she couldn’t even describe, so she downed coffee and forced herself to stay awake, eyes bleary and head pounding.
The next morning, he asked her to call about getting some professional help, to take the load off her. And so came Miranda, who laughed easily, who felt like she was your best friend the moment she crossed the threshold of your home, who never made her dad feel like he was back in that hospital room. It was Miranda who convinced Roger to let Ollie help him without a fuss; to do his physical therapy and not imagine that he would magically get better without hard work, and even then, he might never come back all the way.
And it was Miranda, now, who showed up at Ollie’s house so she could have the day off to repair her relationship with her daughter. She sniffed the air as she hung her fall jacket on the hook.
“I hope there’s leftovers,” she said, sing-song. 
Roger was sitting on the kitchen chair. He smiled a little. 
“There’s a sandwich in the fridge for you. The rest were for Sam, you know.”
Miranda gave a hearty thumbs up and began unpacking her kit. Ollie watched her take out the familiar tools. The stethoscope, the blood pressure cuff, the physical therapy bands. The folder stuffed with information about her dad's physical health and progress. She had a binder of her own, filled with information about his medications, all of his doctor's numbers and emergency numbers, print-outs featuring symptoms to watch for. 
“I better get going,” she said. If she got there early enough, she and Sam could catch brunch at her favorite cafe. Pancakes always seemed to help when it came to talking. 
Miranda nodded and Ollie leaned down to give her dad a hug and a kiss on the cheek. As she pulled away, she noticed that he was rubbing idly at the scar on his hand. The scar. 
“You okay, dad?” She asked. He’d been rubbing it this morning too, hadn’t he? It was rare that he touched the scar at all. It was almost like there was no reason to even consider it. Ollie sometimes thought it was as if all traces of the scar’s impact on him had been wiped away after the carnival disappeared. After they won their freedom. 
Until today, apparently.
Roger stared ahead for a moment. He parted his lips, and then closed them. Even Miranda paused, and raised her eyebrows at him. Then he sighed and shook his head. “Sure, Ollie pop. I’m just a bit tired after being in the kitchen all morning, I guess.”
“Well,” said Miranda after a moment. “I’ll be sure to tell you about my weekend and you’ll fall right asleep for a nap, Roger.”
Ollie smiled, even though she didn’t feel like it. She gave her dad another hug before she left the Egg, car keys in hand. She glanced back at the closed door just once.  Ollie wasn’t afraid to leave her dad with Miranda like she was with Sam. But she had a sour feeling in her stomach, anyway. 
--
Ollie sat in the visitor parking lot for 10 minutes before she went inside. She wanted to be ready; Sam was still mad at her, and she didn’t want to blow her chance at fixing this by reacting emotionally if Sam pulled a face or made a snarky comment when she got called into the office.
Breathe in, breathe out, she thought. You’ve been through a lot worse than this. And that wasn’t even taking into account the year of the smiling man.
The receptionists in the office knew who she was on sight; one of them, Mrs. Phelps, had been working at the school even when Ollie went there. She was at the front desk, wearing big coke bottle glasses that she’d had ever since Ollie knew her.
“Ollie!” She called. “Are you doing a presentation about local history this month? I don’t remember getting a notice…” She began to type on her computer, likely bringing up the school’s master calendar.
Ollie smiled and shook her head. “No, Mrs. Phelps, not today. Sam’s really bummed about missing that field trip, so I thought I’d give her the day off, take her out to lunch, and…”
Ollie stopped mid-sentence, because Mrs. Phelps was looking at her like she had three heads. 
“Did you forget about the field trip, dear?”
Ollie gave her a pinched looking smile. “No. I didn’t sign the permission form, I just thought…”
And again, Ollie stopped. Because now Mrs. Phelps was frowning. Then she was typing on her computer, fiddling with the mouse, until she’d found what she was looking for. She spun the screen towards Ollie.
“Ollie, dear, Sam turned this in to her teacher.”
It was a photo of the permission slip. With a scrawling version of Ollie’s signature on it. Close enough to look real. 
“That’s not my signature,” said Ollie. Her voice felt far away, like she was hearing herself talk through a thickened wall. “I didn’t sign that. She--” 
“She’s on the field trip already.” Mrs. Phelps spoke slowly, carefully. Like Ollie was a weepy mess in her office because she’d tripped in the cafeteria and ruined her mom’s sweater and she didn’t know how to get the stain out. (But Mrs. Phelps did, and sat with her while the sweater soaked in the front office’s private bathroom.) “Would you like me to call Mr. Wheeling?”
“Yes.” Ollie swallowed against all the awful thoughts that wanted to claw their way out of her throat. “You need to call her teacher right now.”
Mrs. Phelps nodded, and immediately picked up the phone.
Ollie wanted to sit down, but she didn’t dare move from her spot in front of the desk. Instead, she pulled out her phone and brought up her group chat with Brian, Coco and Phil. Phil didn’t know about the field trip or their argument--Ollie wasn’t going to bother him with something as silly as a fight about a field trip while he was overseas at a conference--but she had a sinking feeling that he’d need to get caught up to speed soon enough.
“Sam forged my signature to go on the field trip to the circus. Standby?”
Coco sent a frowny face. Brian sent a thumbs-up. Phil sent 4 question marks and “call me when you can.”
--
“I forgot to grab something!” Ollie called out as she walked back into the Egg. Then she cringed; her dad might have been asleep. But as she walked towards the staircase, she saw that he and Miranda were engaged in an intense game of chess. Miranda had gotten better over the past few years of playing with him, and she held her own. She told Ollie privately that she didn’t really like chess, but it was a damn good way for Roger to keep his brain stimulated, so she’d play with him 10 hours a day if he was up to it. 
She was still waiting for the school to call her back. They were already at the circus, Mrs. Phelps said, and Mr. Wheeling wasn’t responding, but she could stay there until they sorted this out. But Ollie didn’t want to stand there and work herself into a frenzy, so she forced herself to appear calm and told sweet Mrs. Phelps to call her when they got hold of him. 
What would she do when the teacher called? They weren’t going to send Sam home on a bus alone. Maybe they’d make her stick by the teacher for the rest of the trip and she’d get her reprimand, detention at least, when they got back to school. 
She wanted, more than anything, to drive up to the circus and grab Sam herself. But then she thought about Sam bringing up what happened at the reopened Misty Valley farm. Sam would never forgive her for taking her from the circus in front of her classmates. It just wasn’t an option.
I’ll just lay down for a minute until they call, she thought. She could regroup her thoughts, or maybe send Phil a text explaining what happened. She didn’t feel like calling anyone right now, but a text would do.
As she walked down the hallway towards her bedroom, though, she felt strange. Off. Like there were teeny-tiny prickles working their way up her back. Like something awful was going to happen. 
And then she saw something that should not have made her feel so uneasy, but it did. Her bedroom door was slightly open. She always shut it all the way before she went downstairs. So why--?
She swallowed against the lump in her throat and opened the door. It creaked warmly. Her bed was untouched. There were no papers or trinkets scattered on the floor. Nothing was amiss, she thought.
Until she looked at her nightstand.
The drawer of the nightstand, like her door, was open just a little bit. She hadn’t left it open this morning; she hadn’t even looked inside it that morning. There was only one thing inside that drawer. 
Her hands shook as she pulled on the handle and she begged anyone who might listen for her instincts to be wrong. For her to see it sitting neatly on the velvet-lined drawer and for this to just be the product of her anxious mind. 
But she wasn’t wrong. And it wasn’t there.
The drawer was empty. 
Her mom’s watch was gone.
A sick sensation swarmed over her. Her heart went thump-thump-thump. Her brain fought her heart, fought her gut, and said: maybe your dad was feeling lonely and took it out to look at it. He knows where you keep it. You told him so.
Her brain could rationalize the missing watch all it wanted. Her heart didn’t care. She moved without thinking to her bookshelf. It was neatly organized, but something was different. A few of her books were out of order and not put back in the right spot. It was like someone who was unfamiliar with how she organized them had pulled them out, plucked a book out of the back row and put them back incorrectly.
Her breath caught in her chest as she pulled aside a few specific books and rooted around behind them. But the space was empty. 
The copy of Small Spaces that she’d stolen at the creek all those years ago was missing, too. 
She did sit down, then, on the edge of her bed. Because she knew that if she didn’t, she might just find herself collapsed on the floor. 
It took her a few swipes to unlock her phone with her trembling fingers. She frantically swiped over the letters, until the message was finished and sent to the only people in the world who would understand why she felt like she was about to fall headfirst down a cliff: 
I came home to wait for the school to call. Mom’s watch is missing. Small Spaces is gone. Dad’s been acting strange all morning. I think Sam might be in trouble. Real trouble. Call me. Please?
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