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#like as a gayboy myself....... feels bad!
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finding out the trans guy who made the mlm flag got (falsely) accused of being a rapist just because the flag looks kind like the lesbian flag (i mean the 7 and 5 stripe ones not the 6 stripe ones he also made) just makes me so depressed. I know if a cis guy made it that it wouldn't get half of the shit that it does.
seeing people repeatedly make jabs at trans men who like boys, calling us shit like "microseparatist gayboys" and tearing down anything that gets made by us or associated with us.... I love my other trans friends but sometimes i do wish there was a space where i could just be around other transmascs where I won't have to see us being falsely accused of rape for making some stripes in a row right next to people who say we don't face things like predator accusations...
I don't feel safe in my "community" anymore and it's breaking my heart. I was so excited to be out when I was 13 and now in my mid 20s I find myself wishing I was anything but what I am. Sometimes I want to look at these people and go "tell me where this alleged 'separatist' group is and I'll go there and stop 'tainting' your community with my transition". Even my love for other trans men is warped and demonized (because it couldn't be pure, it has to be somehow evil) or mocked as "pussy4pussy" (i'm meta4phallo)
Sorry for essentially venting in your inbox but reading those anons who are scared of being out in their own community and especially the anon who socially detransitioned because of "community" abuse/mistreatment. I'm so scared of that becoming my future and I really can't find any solution to it. I just want us all to be ok
Never apologize for venting in my inbox, or sending me a long ask about bad things. The more that transandrophobia can be documented, the less it can be ignored, and the worse its deniers will look. Thank you so much for sending me this, kind anon! (Under the cut there will be a short summary of a personal experience I had regarding sexual harassment, so if you don't want to see that, scroll past this post.)
Transandrophobia is rampant in gay communities, and homophobia + transandrophobia combined is horrible in the queer community at large. I've had multiple people lie about me, and while I've never been falsely accused of sexual harassment or assault, I have been accused of stalking and harassed over it, I've had people publicly speculate about my fetishes in front of me where I could see, with people defending the people doing that because the fetishes I "admitted" (fake screenshots) to "having" were "problematic."
Apparently that is okay to do now, because we're men and because we "chose" to be men that means we must be okay with being sexually harassed... (sarcasm)
Here's the thing. I've never heard the term "gayboy" used for a cis man, while it's used for trans men of all different ages, and while it's not inherently the most offensive term ever, its usage is infantilizing trans men and painting us as "gay man lite." We are not gay men lite, we are gay men. Them calling us separatists is really fucking weird because there are literally homosexual male separatists. They are called biphobic transphobic gay men and you can look them up here on Tumblr and find their blogs with hundreds of followers.
I wish I could crawl through the screen and punch those people who claim that false predator accusations are a transfem-only issue, because I've had it happen to me and so many other trans guys have had it happen to them too. Painting trans men as being predatory like a marginalized man stereotype and also a female invader into maleness at the same time is a very central piece of TEHM rhetoric and anyone who ignores that should be ashamed of themselves, because ignoring and erasing that such oppression exists is also a core piece of TEHM and also TERF rhetoric.
Every day I'm getting closer and closer to actually becoming a gay trans man separatist. Jesus fucking Christ. The rest of the world hates us and the rest of the queer community hates us too, and while I think that getting the queer community to unlearn their transphobia against us is important, I also think it is vital for us to have our own spaces to talk about our experiences without someone interrupting every 5 seconds saying "what about trans women?"
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jazz-kitty · 1 year
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Fern sat at the edge of the nightclub’s roof- the beat of the music faintly echoing through the buzz of the city at night. PROTAGONIST had come back from the corners of the universe holding a gangly 13 year old gir by the scruff of her pajamas, marking the end of the end of the world. It was the cause for a rightfully huge celebration, and for hours everyone downstairs would talk, and dance, and drink until even Elias couldn’t tell left from right.
Fern, much like Florinia, had quickly gotten overwhelmed by all the voices and flashing lights. Fern, unlike Florinia, had no friends that would make it worth it to stay downstairs despite it.
However, his lonely night was soon to be interrupted, as a boy donning vibrant purple hair and enough fishnets to last a lifetime had peeked his head through the door.
“Heyyyyyy. Come here often?” Cain smiled, tilting his head to the side.
“No way you come up here, like, five minutes after I do coincidentally.” Fern decided to ignore the question. “The hell do you want, Cain.”
“Nothing, nothing. I pinky promise.” He hummed, taking confident steps forward towards Fern. He had two red solo cups in his hands, which made his attempts at brushing aside a loose strand a hair a struggle.
“I just figured you’d at least want a drink if you’ll be brooding up here now.”
Cain crouched down, placing one of the cups besides Fern.
“You like sprite, right?”
“...Pepsi. Thanks anyways, I think.”
He picked up the cup of sprite, swishing it around and staring at the fizz that would form.
“Not even a kiss on the cheek for my wondrous deed?” Cain wiped a non-existant tear from his eye. “This generation’s gotten so cold.~”
“Don’t push your luck.”
“Hehe. Okay, just for you.”
He gave a final wink, before standing back up to make his exit.
However, Fern still had thoughts lingering in his head, and being as loud as he was it was nearly impossible to keep them tohimself. PROTAGONIST’s success had marked the end of an era. But every end was followed by a beginning.
Just… What had begun?
“Cain, hold on.”
“Oh? Is someone calling for me?” He twirled, facing Fern yet again.
10 seconds of silence followed, broken only by the jingling of Cain’s bracelets.
“This is stupid, but…”
Fern sighed. This was stupid. Really stupid. And yet, he continued. Maybe being stupid was a trend for him.
“Cain, what- what are you gonna do now?”
Cain slotted himself on the building’s edge beside him, letting his feet kick back and forth.
“Finally asking me out?”
“Absolutely not. You know what I meant.”
“Hehe.” Cain stuck out his tongue, but switched to a more pensive expression soon after. “But, do I? I mean- I wanna go to the mall tomorrow, if that’s what you mean. That one pretzel place finally reopened after the Moltres fiasco.”
“Not. Really.” Fern pushed a hand to his forehead, grumbling no words in particular.
“It’s, like- ugh. That was-” He gestured out to the stars, city, and regions before them. “-the past few years of our lives.  What am I supposed to do with myself now? It’s-” Fern tilted his head to the side, realizing that he was telling this to some emo gayboy on the street.
“-It’s… stupid. It’s really stupid, and I’ll kill you with rocks if you even think about this conversation around somebody else. But.” He sighed.
“What's supposed to come next? It feels like. I already lived an entire life worth of events- lord. Way fucking more than that. But we aren’t gonna die for, like, a good 70 years.”
“Cain, what’s next?”
The two boys, scrawny and battered by enemies and friends alike, stared into each other’s eyes.
“Well, I-”
“I’m serious. You’ll go down to having, like, a week left of your life if someone else hears about this.”
“Harshhhh.~” Cain gave a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. Nonetheless, he continued.
“But, I don’t think I’ll change my answer.”
Fern was right. This was stupid.
“It’s nice to just… enjoy the peace now. Buy really good pretzels at the mall. The past few years, um. Were bad. So bad, I might even put them below my last ex.” Fern seriously doubted whether Cain had ever dated a single person.
“But with PROTAGONIST keeping Lin- never would have guessed she was that short, by the way- in check, we just have… time. To go be stupid and gay and have fun without life ending consequences.”
Cain smiled at him, but he failed to smile back.
“I’m being serious! Everybody needs their beauty rest. Even you. It’s been exhausting looking this good through all the horrors. So, I think ‘what's next?’ is a long deserved break.”
“I… guess. But what about what’s after even that?”  
Fern took a long sip of his not-really-that-good soda, trying to grapple with the idea of there not being some immediate concern or problem to attend and occupy his thoughts. What even entailed a ‘break?’ Before, it involved playing Petz Catz 2 on his DS until his head hurt tucked beneath the covers. But enough time had passed for Fern to have no interest in it anymore. Was he even recognizable to the Fern who still lived in Florinia’s apartment?-
“What about it?” Cain whacked Fern upside the head to knock him out of his somber train of thought. Like clockwork, he hit him back.
“We can worry about ‘it’ when we get there. Enjoy the ride while it lasts. Actually, here’s an Idiom you’ll love me for: Stop and smell the roses! Aren’t I a smart cookie for coming up with that!” He was so proud of relating plants to the kind of grass type guy, it was infectious.
“That fucking sucked.” He smiled anyways.
“But. I guess so, huh?” Fern leaned back, staring up at the night sky. “I feel stupid for asking that now. Go forget I ever said anything.”
Cain thought for a few moments.
“Its okay! Because I’m so kind, here's another stupid question to balance it out!: You wanna go get pretzels with me tomorrow?”
Fern didn’t know where this new chapter of life would take him.
But, if even for a moment, he trusted it to take him someplace pretty alright.
“...Sure.”
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joviantwelve · 11 months
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beat the Live A Live remake...I bought it when it came out but my ADHD ass didn't wanna play it until I braced myself fully for all the secret bosses, because I wanted to be completionist this time around...
...was very worth it though! what a good fucking game! everything they added made it even better; the QoL to the battle system alone is just huge. ("there were weaknesses and resistances in this game??" I say, having literally beaten the original)
almost feel like I should get a music player on my blog again so I can throw the new mix of Megalomania up there, because I had it on my blog like 10 years ago and had asks like "oh my god what is that song from??" LMFAO. full circle
I wish every cult classic could get another shot at life with this much love and care. and hey, now it's on Steam, so this is me telling you you have no excuse!!
full game spoilers below, but I had a few screenshots I wanted to take. also some additional, equally spoilery commentary:
...mostly of boss kills, because I started with Prehistory (I like going chronologically, it pleases my brain), so I figured "well I'm grinding forever to take down the mammoth, as well as other superbosses I heard were Hard, I might as well get screenshot trophies of everything"
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poop throw MVP
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adding voice acting really makes you confront a few things. why did they make ou di wan lee sound hot.
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oh my god FUCK THIS SWORD GUY. I was trying to go for oboromaru no kill route so I had to just...grind on ghosts...then this ghost sword guy keeps killing my ass...sob...sob...I actually almost gave up here
then I didn't
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the fish was so much easier in comparison man
oboromaru why is your chapter like this
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then I blanked and didn't take a picture of killing gamahebi because I was too overcome by the fact I 1) successfully did the no kill run and 2) never have to do this again
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awarded myself with gay cowboys next. I didn't go into this thinking "time to award myself with gay cowboys" but like, I last played this game before I realized I was gay. so like. it kind of just hit me all at once. oh no this Did something to me didn't it
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I took this screenshot because I was stoned as hell and mad dog's stupid little smug gayboy pose just really got me
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hey can I also say I just really like the HD2D style? I never played Octopath so this was my first....and like...this really fucking blows pretty much any SNES FF remake out of the water. I know they don't do this for every game because of Budget I'm sure, but like, God I Wish Every SNES Square RPG Could Get This Treatment
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gay???????????
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is it just me or is odie o'bright the hardest final boss of the individual character chapters????? fuck this guy
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out of context live a live
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I love that they added voice to the combat too. hearing Akira go "YOU SUCK!" in a giant mech as he evades an attack is just
so fucking funny to hear in a final boss fight
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ok OD-10 had THE biggest glow-up though
every time my eyes got to grace this battlefield/boss I was like mMMmMMMMMMMM
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normal final boss fight :)
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:(
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i love masaru he's just a completely normal dude
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THE FINAL CHAPTER HAS SO MANY EXTRA BOSSES AHHH.
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FISH 2
actually can I just say I LOVE how they localized the middle ages to be all shakespearean
which means that not only do oersted/odio get to be the hugest drama queens, every boss in the area in general just has the most delightful dialogue
FFXIV has taught them well. did you know the dialogue in FFXIV is NOT like that in japanese?! I can't even imagine
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it was around this point that I realized doing EVERY character dungeon probably overleveled me hardcore
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and, in that respect, I can see why you may have accidentally stumbled upon the fact that running from 100 encounters nets you a secret boss. I got sick of that shit around when Lei was one-shotting everything first turn
but.
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not in a bad way necessarily. like I knew going in this was definitely going to happen since I'm doing EVERYTHING in a chapter where you can technically bumrush the final boss of the game
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so I guess my advice is, if you find the battle system a bit difficult during boss fights, leveling solves most ills
the other ills can be taken care of by Cube
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I admit I didn't vibe so much with Pure Odio upon first playthrough, mostly because it's hard to compete with Megalomania being there, but I really vibed with the new mix
but THEN
but THEN!!!!
they EXPANDED ON THE FINAL BOSS FIGHT???! HUH???
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(ME LOSING MY MIND)
it's like something out of fanfic??? in the best way??? just this small little thing that really makes an impact on the character arc BUT NOT in a way that destroys anything that was there previously
just a small little detail...this is what I kinda wish for more remakes honestly?? expansion isn't BAD. some of the issues with modern remakes of games from 20 years ago is that they DON'T change anything. being TOO loyal can hurt sometimes
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also oersted's VA just fuckin KILLED it good job my dude
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gay cowboy dad giving the saddest boy in the universe some sympathy
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these credits were really nice. always gotta love Montage Credits
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OH....WUH...WAHHH....
AND THEN
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THE TITLE SCREEN!!!!!!!!!!!
WHHWAHHWAAHHHHHHHHHHH
live a live is so good.....................
i'm so glad this game can reach more people now. definite 10/10
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7grandyears · 1 year
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How do you feel about vavr coming back
hi anon, great question. my feelings are super complicated and it SUCKS!
i'm talking about death in this one (block the tag "tw death" if you don't want to see posts like this)
being an introject of vavr while the channel was dead was peaceful, mostly because i didn't have to go through the motions of watching lore happen in real time to my source self like other g.h. (gardenhome) introjects do (ex. siiva, turner).
lemme, like, make a chart to explain this.
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i split off and had my own sort of "revival" in a similar style to vavr chapter 2 a long bit ago. i've been coping with the events of ends here ends now for a long time (and so has n, but he's obviously been going through it worse because he, yknow, had to SEE me die). me and n's relationship is a lot different than it used to be.
jan 19th strikes, everything was fine for most of the day until i got home and started getting notifications FROM THE VAVR CHANNEL
fucking. horrifying.
i thought "oh, well, maybe it's just a little joke, something like that" NOPE, FUCK YOU! CHAPTER 2 BABEY!
i was fucking panicking (and i mean PANICKING) the entire time.
lemme just... show you what was happening so you can get the idea
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so yeah. i was FREAKED the FUCK out at the time because i was not prepared whatsoever for that to happen.
i know like, "introjects are not their source" and all that but i'm very close with my source.
while i am still very anxious about it, i guess my feelings are a little different at the moment. i'm not completely devastated over it, but i do feel bad over the fact that source me seems to have completely dropped the character development he went through in ends here ends now! like, yeah, i'm still a prick sometimes, but i'm doing a lot better for myself now! but source me? still a fucking asshole. does not care about n whatsoever (which makes me so fucking FRUSTRATED!!! put me on the fucking lorewriting team right now so i can fix this shit!!!!)
i guess that leads me to my next thought: i hope source me can get the same happy ending that i've gotten here. i hope maybe he can grow a little and at LEAST be n's friend or SOMETHING. like come on gayboy, you can do it
i think i reacted to it so viscerally because of how traumatic ends here ends now was for me and n as lore. you know, there was a REASON i detested lore so much!
anyways, yeah. this post is getting way too fuckin long. i think you can get the jist of what i mean. if you dont, you could probably send another ask for clarification!
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honey-cro · 3 years
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cw pls just dont read this if u arent also weird with gender this feels so vulnerable SKFJSKFJ
gender is fucking FUNKY. i often sum up my gender experience as All the Gender, or as a nonbinary man, bc usually masculinity/masculine gender is Always present while everything else is inconsistently fluid. plus my ideal body leans really far into “flat chest, hairy bod, full testosterone babey!” despite my gender being a lot more fluid than that lol
but when i try to break it down further its. incomprehensible. like boy me is a little gayboy fuck that reads old MLM love letters and collects old pictures of MLM couples and feels emotions he cannot describe. he is a Nerd and he wants to be a dad so bad and loves having a queer bod and loving others with queer bods!!! he is a fairy and effeminate and wants to get big and buff to hold all of his loved ones at the same time!!!!
versions of myself im still figuring out are the more feminine genders! like, i feel like i experience a ‘girl’ gender but in a very specific way, and another feminine gender that feels. adjacent to actually being a gal? this is where shit kinda just devolves into very vague feelings and it feels more foreign since i spent. a good amount of time ignoring it all (“if i want a boy body i must be a boy 100%!1!!” like oops try again dumbass)
so like the feminine gender that doesnt feel all the way binary is like. Ms Vita from To Wong Fu. (this reference will never leave my head im sorry!!) it feels like. oldest daughter trauma and an elegance that feels controlled and meticulous and a softness that is chosen and fought for when sharpness is easier- oh my god morticia adams too. fuck. they want to be a strong and loving parent and create a home that feels. safe
and lastly, any sort of relationship i have with the binary feminine gender is like. how do i put this
shes feral. like, big werewolf lady that wants to be buff as hell and loves having a flat chest and man i want a six pack!!!! cant focus for more than two seconds. herbo. she is hot in a girlboy way. i cannot explain this further. wants to pick up and benchpress girlfriend/boyfriend/partner. big hairy thighs that can crush a watermelon. idfk dude it jsut. feels like an evolved version of the dumbass tomboy i was right before transition but with A LOT better mental health since alleviating body dysphoria.
i was gonna go more into nonbinary gender experiences too but i got tired so. theres this!! idfk dude gender is so fucking weird and hard to describe and i feel like. while it feels really cool to know myself outside of binaries associated to like, the sexes and like, if you want a completely “cis-passing, male body” you must be a boy!! like,,,, nah, its just. all the genders i feel are most comfortable being expressed through a vessel that looks like this!!!
idkidk being nonbinary is wack and such a diverse experience, with a whole other level of fucky-ness if youre autistic and have difficulty understanding feelings in the first place. it also feels like,,, although i experience a mix of terms used on either sides of the binary, that i cant use or fit in with some bc of how masc i present w my body. idk. i feel gay in any direction!! i can relate to so many expressions and understandings of gender- yknow now that im thinking about it ig the only like. straight attraction i could have is to an agender person? LOL even out my All the Gender with ur Lack of Gender Babey-
idk where im going with this gender feels weird and hard to describe and if any other nbs wanna talk abt their gender experience pls feel free!! im still getting comfy exploring this part of myself and its rad to be surrounded by others that experience this stuff in an outside the binary way!!
(also anyone else feel like. gender is a fire, and being around people with certain genders/expressions just. fuel that fire even more? im into a guy and i feel more Like A Man. i am into a woman and that femininity comes to the top. h e l p this is all so confusing)
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goldenpinof · 5 years
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so basically here’s a script of “Basically I’m gay” by Daniel Howell, if someone needs it
link to a google doc
Hello Internet.
«Sex! Secrecy! And a whole lot of internal screaming. Starring Daniel Howell. One of the greatest mysteries of our generation. What is Dan’s sexuality?»
Spoiler alert. I’m not straight. Sex, the foundation of life and the only thing we’re really supposed to do. Everyone’s obsessed with it. You bunch of degenerates. In the list of things that identify a person, one of the most important for other people to know is their sexuality. For, if sex is the primal force propelling all of these humans forward by their hips, they have to know. Are we gonna fuck? Or like could we? Or are you, ‘cause I’m just wondering. Now, we live in a heteronormative world, which is a long scary word that makes people feel attacked for some reason. Shh it’s okay.
What it means is people are presumed to be straight. If you’re not, then at some point, you have to “come out”, which is a whole thing. Or people might just try and guess based on something you do or the way you act, because yay stereotypes. So this is something you have to be clear on, because if you’re not, how are all these other people that aren’t you going to cope? But I’m pretty sure no one that knows me thinks I’m straight. So I don’t really need to come out as much as just clarify what the hell is going on. As here I am at age 27 and my sexual preference is seemingly still a vague, debatable, confusing, impenetrable mystery. But why? And what is it? Well, those are some big questions. Are you sure you wanna know my answers?
[YES]
Okay, well, if you say so 'cause this is a complicated and sensitive issue and when it comes to me, boy, there is a lot to unpack here and it is a total clusterfuck. So strap yourselves in and let me tell you a queer little story about a boy named Dan.
Chapter 1 – The Word
♪ When I was a young boy ♪
♪ My father ♪
Didn’t have much time for me because my conception was clearly an accident and he was a narcissistic proud man suddenly inconvenienced in the prime of his life and this emotional neglect gave me lasting problems.
Sorry that’s not all relevant right now.
I was an only child for seven years and with working parents. This meant I had to make my own fun so I was imaginative  and loud which is something that my teachers used to say quite a lot followed by, “However.” Here I am age five. Look at me. Cute, poised, sassy, turning out this photo shoot like sorry, Grandma, I stunted on this set. Are you seeing this? In almost every way, I literally peaked age five. I loved being the center of attention. People said I had an infectious happiness, that my beaming smile brought them hope and joy. People that know me are laughing right now. But a boy, in the '90s being happy and generally polite acting? Sounds kinda GAY if you ask me. Literally, masculinity was so fragile, people were so proud and scared and society so aggressive that a boy smiling!?.. appearing to be empathetic or in any way emoting was seen as a threat. How dare they laugh and feel comfortable? They must be soft and weak and girly and GAY. So basically thanks, Grandma, for raising me to be a nice child, you dick. Just kidding. That’s a joke and I told you not to watch this video because it would be rude so if you send me a disappointed text telling me you’re offended, I don’t know what to tell you. Although, now I think about it, you did make me go to church for 10 years, which in hindsight probably also didn’t help ♪ Hallelujah ♪ the issue here so. But then it was time for little Dan to go to school and this is when it  
♪ All went wrong ♪
'Cause it turns out most children, evil pieces of shit. Doesn’t matter if you try to raise a happy innocent child, throw that kid into school, aka, a literal Mad Max Battle Royale with the feral offspring of your local community. Yeah, that crap’ll be undone in about two weeks. I was six years old running around the playground pretending to be Sonic the Hedgehog or something when two brothers come up to me aged seven and eight with an unexplained aggressive look in their eye. And the younger one pushes me to the ground, kicks me in the stomach, and just says, “GAY.”
This was the first time I ever heard that word. Well, I don’t know what the heck gay means but apparently it means people kick you on the floor so that ain’t good. I didn’t know this child or give them any cause to have an opinion on me. And, actually, I never directly interacted with them again. What epic clustershit of failed parenting and general culture brought this tiny child to get angry and attack someone, then call them gay for looking like they were having fun outside. Are you okay, 1990s? And so my relationship with sexuality began.
I wasn’t looking to define myself as a child indiscriminately playing doctors and nurses with various friends until once somebody’s mum walked into a room to find three fully naked children sat on a bed sticking sellotape to each other’s butts. Yep, which I don’t recommend. Also, Jesus Christ, the poor woman that saw that. Then you get to the magic age around 10 or 11 where everybody suddenly wants to pretend they’re totally a “cool teenager” who’s doing all the drugs and the sex and the fights, totally. Boy, gay was a really popular word back then.
[[Boy] Uh, homework is gay. [Girl] Uh, my mum’s so gay. [Boy] Uh, you touched a girl, gay.]
This one little shit who I won’t name was one of the school bullies and he loved the word gay. He had it in for me and I have no idea why. You know me, Mr. Winnie the Pooh Meets Slender Man. Well, when I was 10 just Winnie the Pooh. I didn’t do nothin’ to no one ever and yet this guy used my pacifism as a punching bag where any group situation was an excuse to single me out call me gay for some reason and then make everyone else exclude me because they were scared of him. I had a girlfriend. We dated for six whole weeks. We kissed in a game of spin the bottle once by literally sucking on each other’s faces. Then she ended dumping me over speakerphone at a birthday party that everyone in my class but me was invited to but, hey. I don’t know what I was doing wrong, but at this age, I understood one thing. Being gay, whatever that meant, was clearly the worst thing you could be. On a Darwinian level, I was being told, okay bitch, “Survival Code”. Don’t be this apparently. Evolution. Plot twist, this bully I think he was a bit gay because once he asked me to have a sleepover at his house and I thought was me finally getting socially accepted only for him in the middle of the night to come up and ask me, “So who’s going to be the boy and the girl?” I was an innocent smol bean who didn’t really understand what he meant because, to be honest, I didn’t actually understand get how babies were made yet. But needless to say I think he was disappointed. Wow, closeted child turns into homophobic bully. Thanks again society. But this whole primary school journey was really just an amuse-bouche for the full six-course tasting menu of suffering that would be secondary school.
I went to an all-boys school. It was a literal hellscape.  I thought it was hard making it through a school of 200 kids with two or three bullies. Try over a thousand where a clean 800 are fully psychopathic gorillas fueled by testosterone, Red Bull, and Eminem albums. Making sure that the word f- no longer means an innocent bundle of sticks or a cigarette anymore in the British lexicon. Nope, now it was a cool homophobic slur along with gay, gaylord, gayboy, puff, pufter, ponce, batty, batty boy, bum-boy, bender. Shit, this is so long. People have a lot of words for something they don’t wanna think about. Look at me in this stupid blazer. Oh, “you’ll grow into it at some point in the next four years”. Thanks, Mum. Day one, kid in form class, some stupid hedgehog-looking motherfucker side eyes me and says, “What you lookin at, puff?” First interaction at a new school. Great! My entire existence on a daily basis then becomes navigating this school like I’m in the bloody “Maze Runner” trying to avoid aggressive pricks with chode ties. And you know being verbally abused for being a nerd or a Greebo at least felt relevant to me at the time. Greebo, definitely one of my faves there and I’m sure that Korn and Slipknot would have been proud to have 12-year-old me as a fan. I kinda knew who I was in the hierarchy at that point. I was essentially a theater kid who spent all of his free time playing Runescape on the AOL browser on his mum’s PC instead of football. I accepted it. But at least I wasn’t actually this “gay thing” people kept throwing around because by now I understood a gay is a boy who fancies other boys. And to be honest I don’t really feel like I’ve ever fancied anyone before.
Then puberty happened.
Oh yeah, this is fun, tingly feelings, I smell bad. It was quite fun dribbling on this girl’s face playing Truth or Dare, maybe later we’ll go behind that bike sheds and, there I was sat in English class, my friend next to me. I watched as he delicately removes a pencil from its case. We briefly make eye contact as he flutters his long black eyelashes with a blink before staring forward. His eyes are so bright and beautiful yet they seem so sad and deep with emotion. I wish I could just understand. Oh fuck, I think I’m a bit gay. You’re telling me this whole time I actually have been the bad thing that people keep calling me? Shit!
Chapter 2 – Feelings
Oh do you hear it that faint hum, something coming from a deep, dark place too powerful to control? It’s the self-hatred. She is here and she’s only getting started. Short version, I fall hopelessly in love with a friend of mine who doesn’t feel the same way which crushes me into a million tiny pieces and years later actually it turns out he was gay the whole time. He just really specifically didn’t like me. [Double kill.] Here I am, 13, crying to evanescence alone in my bedroom feeling like there’s no point in really being alive as I’m clearly a faulty outcast person that has no place in the world. I stopped going to church with my grandma because I felt like I wasn’t really supposed to be there. Also, by this age, the whole Christianity thing didn’t really make much sense to me. And the adult services were dry AF compared to coloring in a picture of Jesus’s face at Sunday school. So other than the free tea and biscuits they gave away after the sermon, religion didn’t really have much to offer me. Damn, there was some good biscuits though. I miss that. But wait! All is not lost yet. Do you see that? A triumphant, rallying cry of guitars, stripey hoodies, and black hair dye. Emo had arrived! I swear to God, emo is one of the best things that happened to pop culture in the last 20 years. As well as inventing eyeliner and skinny jeans, a new word hit the theater, nerd, goth, band, kid corner that would change my world forever.
Bisexual. You can be normal and gay at the same time and some people think it’s cool? Well, slap a long fingerless glove on my arm and sign me up to Myspace 'cause Mum, I’m bi. It was a good term 'cause it was a catchall for anyone who felt sexually confused or curious that didn’t want to commit to something stronger which is very me. Big commitment issues. Thanks, fam. To be clear, regardless of whatever the 2006 teenagers thoughts and feelings were, being bi is valid and should not be excused away or erased by anyone. Thank you.
From this moment, I was a loud and proud raving bi to my close friends and the strangers on the internet who saw my clearly-labeled sexual preference on my Myspace page. And the emo friends I made at this time were awesome. We just used to hang and make out with each other and listen to music and drink bottles of Smirnoff Ice until we were sick on each other with no judgment. The judgment came several years later looking back at the photos that you can’t delete. So I didn’t need to tell my family or people at school anything. But the thing is with a Myspace page, anyone with an internet connection can read it. And so the rumors started spreading through my neighborhood that Dan Howell was in fact a bisexual. I had a friend in French class who one day, totally unprompted, just turned to me and said, “Hmm, yeah, I thought so. You give off a bi-vibe.” A bi-vi-, what the fuck is a bi-vibe? Great, yeah, nothing to make a 15-year-old feel self-conscious about his behavior like being told he emanates a bisexual aura. What am I supposed to do with that? Sorry that I give off mixed signals. I’m versatile. Turns out it was actually a social upgrade from being called gay all the time 'cause bisexual was a new word that only referred to sexuality so people actually had to decide how they felt about the fact I was attracted to boys. As opposed to gay which as we all understand is synonymous with bad and also implies a general threat, plague, curse/evil force that simply must be destroyed. People at school were actually almost nice to me with curiosity about it and a few of the boys that previously loved to just generically call me gay while throwing a compasses at me or something, now started to low-key flirt with me and some stuff happened. Go figure.
But then I entered the dark ages and no I’m not talking about my hair because I was never actually cool enough to commit to dying it black. As quickly as they arrived into my life, my emo friend group vanished into the night. Like the tip of an eyeliner pencil snapping or the HTML on your intricately-crafted MySpace page falling apart when the host websites of your embedded gifs die, so, too, did my social life. One had to suddenly focus on school, another moved town, two of them just fell out with each other and started hanging out with their old friends again. Well, we don’t all have back up friend groups, Lindsey! I went all in on the emos! You’re telling me I have to go back to sitting in my kitchen playing Runescape now! Thanks a lot. So for a year I literally had no friends. And this is when the bullying at school really stepped its pussy up. The things people used to say offhand to me in a corridor were now said loudly in classrooms where everybody would laugh. People used to sing songs about me being gay on the bus while my fellow nerds sat around me just stared awkwardly out of the window not wanting to get involved. People shouted things out during GCSE exams in front of the whole school and the low key pushing became punches. People used to wait for me after school just to throw things at me. Once a guy put his hand around my throat and pushed my head against a coat peg in the locker room while everyone was watching and just slapped me for five minutes. But I never reacted. I never cried or got angry or fought back 'cause then I’d be giving them what they wanted and I refused to play along. But this way of dealing with things definitely had an impact on my relationship with emotion going into life. I became a total outcast. No one wanted to come near me out of fear that they’d get targeted, too. So no one ever stood up for me. And, you know, I don’t blame them. I just resent them even to this day. No, I’m kidding, I don’t really. I do. No, I don’t. I, hmm. Teachers at the time obviously did nothing. In fact, one of them saw this happening to me and laughed 'cause you know, boys will be boys especially the gay ones that get killed by the other ones, am I right? Ah, classic lad banter. And home. See, keeping this on the topic of sexuality and not economic class, violence, addiction, and health issues, let’s just say some shit was goin’ down. I didn’t think I could ask my family for help or share my feelings about this, mainly due to my dad. Funny guy, kind of a woke hippie who did and said a lot of things I did respect but at the same time used to walk around the house saying how he hoped someone he had a problem with at work would *clears throat* “die of bum cancer.” Yep, so picked the one area to be a bigot that would further traumatize your child. Nice! This experience coming from a childhood hearing the word gay meaninglessly thrown around as an insult at home and school, in music, on TV, to then realizing I am actually kinda gay, to then very specifically being attacked for it was traumatic. The world was clearly telling me if I ever wanted to be accepted by anyone or, in my particular environment, survive, I couldn’t be gay. I was afraid of it, literally homophobic of myself. I am talking Pavlov, sunken place, North Korea-level mind alteration that made me terrified of and repulsed by this part of me. This is called internalized oppression. It’s a real thing and it’s some real shit.
Chapter 3 – Internalized Oppression
From this moment I was no longer advertising myself as bi. No, BRB deleting that Myspace real quick, xD lemme get on that Bebo. “My Chemical Romance”? No, I’m listen to what’s this, N-Dubz? Jesus Christ. I go away for the summer break and come back to school quiet and serious and fully straight. *coughs* I needed me some new friends that were a bit higher up the social ladder, you know what I’m sayin’ for security so I go ahead and join “The Inbetweeners”. Literally this group of friends, the exact middle ground between nerds and desperately wanting to be cool. And oh how desperate we were. The great thing about these friends was they knew loads of girls. So firstly, instant cool points. Secondly, if I date a girl *scoffs* super not gay. The problem with that was it’s not like everyone just forgot everything that’s been said about me and this group of friends, casually homophobic pretty much all the time and also they hung out in places near some even more aggressive and super homophobic peeps. Just full-time Runescape would have been a better in hindsight. I find myself going through the same shit at school but now voluntarily going through it at the weekends from the people that are supposed to be my friends thinking I’m doing the right thing whilst constantly telling myself I’m now totally heterosexual. So I did what many people choose to do at that point and I got a girlfriend. But this is pretty messed up because I really liked this girl. In fact, I loved her as a friend and I was genuinely attracted to her but I was so afraid of sexuality I didn’t even wanna do anything straight in case I had some weird gay panic that I was totally frigid and I led her on. And when she got pissed at me, understandably, for being a terrible boyfriend, I just felt even worse. This was someone who I liked that I was hurting and lying to but I couldn’t leave as then I’d have no armor. Beautiful irony here is having a girlfriend didn’t in any way stop the abuse 'cause remember, gay is a great all-purpose general insult. (Call someone gay today and we’ll throw in a free set of steak knives.) And when these neighborhood teens started heavy drinking and getting into drugs, things suddenly got quite scary as people joked about setting fire to a tent as I slept in it at Reading Festival. Or saying, “You know that notoriously unstable guy? Yeah, he said he’s gonna kill you next Saturday.” Awkward.
This was definitely the lowest point in my life. I just felt totally alone, confused and I deeply hated myself. I used to ask God, in case he was there, to please, just make me straight and everyone stop. But I saw no end, no escape, no way to change the world or who I was. So one evening I thought fuck it and I attempted suicide.
I say attempted, because just before it was too late I thought
“oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit what have i done what have i done fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck?”
“what will your grandma think don’t do this to her she tried her best and she loves you”
“your family aren’t total dicks and this will fuck them up can’t you just get over it surely”
“you’re gonna get to the last year of school and give up now really what was the point”
“I heard this is one of the most painful ways to die so not a great choice if I’m being blunt”
Felt kinda bad for a few days otherwise I pretended it never happened and I didn’t tell anyone, until now, literally. Hmm, I know pretty dark right, but hey spoiler things kinda worked out. I mean still gotta lot of issues but here I am. I’m so glad I failed for so many reasons, for the people in my life, for the future I would’ve wasted. The most important being that I thought I was trapped in a situation forever when in reality, the entire world I lived in and my life changed completely. I thought it was hopeless when in reality there was so much to hope for and that’s it. Time changes everything. With the lives that we have, we can try anything we’ve dreamed of. I want anyone that’s ever felt like this to realize you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side. So yeah school age 6 to 18, I’m gonna give that a bad Google review. The thing is I did stand out. I’ve always been a loudmouth, class clown, annoying shit. Since graduating, it turns out half the people I knew were fuckin’ gay. That group of friends I had, all lovely people now. Five of them were gay, five gays! That is statistically irregular. Oh but they flew under the radar. All I’m saying is I wish people just hated me for being annoying and immature. Leave the gays alone!
My light at the end of the tunnel was university. I was gonna get my A levels move to a new town and ghost these bitches. But I took a gap year first to earn some money which was very boring sitting at home and working at ASDA where I was not happy to help. My shift started at 5 a.m. on a Saturday. Signed up for a Twitter account to run my mouth off and then bam. “So my name is [Dan].” My YouTube story begins, a new chapter of my life to redefine. So you know what I do? Get a Formspring because nothing gives you that attention feeling like one of those anonymous question and answer websites that are inherently toxic and no one should use. And straight out of the bat bisexual Dan returns. 'Cause hey, just like Myspace, I’m only telling a few people on the internet right now. It’s not like one day I’m gonna get so many followers that random strangers and my family might see it. Wow, I had a lot fun with many different kinds of people in 2009. Let’s just say I got a lot out of my system. Got a couple of things in my system, too. Sorry.
And this is when, through the magic of the internet, I met Phil. And obviously we were more than friends but it was more than just romantic. This is someone that genuinely liked me. I trusted them. And for the first time since I was a tiny child, I actually felt safe. And the relationship we formed at that point was something that I needed in my life. We are real best friends, companions through life, like actual soulmates, not that souls are a real thing that exist. It’s so lucky to just find someone you can be that compatible with and especially to anyone that has experienced the kind of self-hatred that I have dealt with, one person accepting you can make all the difference. And I bet so many people wanna know so much more about that which, honestly, I take as a compliment. But here’s the thing. I’m somebody that wants to keep the details of my personal life private. So is Phil. I know lots of people these days, thanks to social media, want to share and monetize every aspect of their life and then as soon as something changes suddenly it’s this huge drama because everybody got invested in the story of your life like it’s a soap opera. I don’t want that. I wanna do certain things without an audience. I wanna be spontaneous. I don’t wanna feel afraid to take risks. I want to enjoy totally fucking something up and not have to post a statement about it. And if anyone thinks people really have to share these things about their life, you need to rethink your position. And look, I understand that sex is a fun and interesting thing to talk about. I get it. I am also a disgusting pervert. But the specific minutiae of who I be fuckin’, when, why, where, how long, how, uhh, I mean? Sexuality is a general fact that it can be very useful to know about a person for several reasons, but we can’t force people to disclose that either. We don’t know this person’s life story, what they’ve been through, if they haven’t told people, if they’ll lose their job, if they’re in danger. There are so many reasons someone might not be open about it. We can preach the message that being out is good, but aggressively speculating or trying to out someone is really bad. They might not be gay, in which case we’re just harassing someone and probably stereotyping. And if they are there’s gonna be a reason why they haven’t talked about it. So I don’t wanna see any responses to me finally talking about this like no one is surprised. “Dan we been knew.” Wow, you huge galaxy brain genius. What’s it like walking around with all those brain cells in there working overtime? What, you got like three in there? Don’t lose your balance, mastermind. I haven’t exactly been subtle have I? I’m an awkward, sexually ambiguous nerd. “What the fuck even is your sexuality?” That’s not the point. I’m already dead inside so it doesn’t matter here, but to me if someone’s reaction to a person coming out is just, “yeah, I knew”, they’re showing no empathy towards the issue or that person. They’re just making it about themselves like it was a fun piece of gossip they already knew. All we have to do is listen and be accepting.
So anyway back to the tale. Whilst things were looking up for Dan aged 18, things quickly got messy again. Wow, that beats the emo streak of temporary self-acceptance by like six months, nice. There was a point around 2011 where the relationship with my audience shifted from what felt like direct communication between me and individuals that just saw me as a comedy creator to communities of people that formed to talk about me when I wasn’t there. Which is fine, but for some people it was about getting generally invested in me and my real life which I thought was a bit strange 'cause inevitably like anyone who puts themself out there, some people started to really dig into my private life to find out information about me that I wasn’t ready to share. And this was around the same time that YouTubers finally started to get mainstream recognition in the British press. We had the BBC knocking at our door trying to offer Dan and Phil a radio show. From that, Dan and Phil became this entertainment duo that we could have a creative career with. And we love working together, so when all these opportunities came for Dan and Phil, we were really excited but I was also scared as people clearly knew I wasn’t straight and I hadn’t told my family that. None of my old friends knew about this, and what me and Phil had was ours and personal and yet some people were trying to get access to it for their own satisfaction. It was no longer a few people on the internet, no big deal. So I just shut down. It felt like I was back at school again, surrounded by threatening people trying to expose me for their entertainment. Most I’m sure just wanted what was best for me and I feel such genuine sadness and am sorry that I couldn’t be closer to and more truthful with the people in my life that were just trying to be nice but I wasn’t ready to deal with it at this time so I had to do something to contain it. I definitely sent some mixed messages. Some were just joking around, others were super defensive that in my panic came across like “I’m now telling everyone I’m totally straight” when all I really meant was “please fuck off and don’t invade my privacy, you creepy stalkers, thank you”. But this experience seriously triggered some PTSD in me and I was back in the dark place. I didn’t want to just disappear from the internet to escape it and throw away this creative hobby that actually started paying rent. Thanks. So I just decided to put anything to do with my sexuality in a box to come back to later as I was still processing my past and I wanted to understand my identity on my own terms and timeline and not just have it hijacked as fuel for people’s sexual fantasies or some headline in an article. And whilst we’re not exactly living in a utopia yet here on YouTube, the general internet culture only five or six years ago was a much less wholesome, progressive place as this little bubble is now. Sure, a lot of people probably would have been supportive, but there was just as much open bigotry and general toxicity 'cause people felt less accountable and it was okay to say certain things 'cause it’s just on the internet and I couldn’t handle that at the time. And, generally, I can handle a lot. I have big hands with a very wide reach for playing piano, you fucking.. get your mind out of the gutter. We can’t ask people to just put their lives on hold to address their sexuality first. If a kid dreams of being a footballer and age 18 gets signed to a club and all their dreams come true but they’re scared to come out because of the insane homophobia in that community, they shouldn’t turn it down. Yes, it’s so important to be truthful about who you are and open and proud in front of the world but it’s our society’s fault that these people are scared to say who they are. So let’s all focus on making it a welcoming place and people will come out when they are ready. So when was I ready? Well, it’s always been on my mind that I need to talk about this at some point. I couldn’t just keep going forward in my life ignoring it, not only just so I can be authentic, which is very important for general existing, but also just letting people know what kind of sexual attention I want from the world. All of it from everyone. God I’m so thirsty. And if anything motivated me, it’s the idea that I can help someone else 'cause that’s basically my whole career, isn’t it, admitting to shit that I’ve been through so you will feel better about yourselves. There we go, you’re welcome. I have a platform and a following of millions of people, many of whom I know have been through exactly what I have. And if I tell my story as painful and flip floppy and flawed as it is, I know it will mean something to someone as every time someone speaks openly about sexuality, it saves lives. I’d never met a single out gay person until I was 18. And if I had, or even just seen better representation in the media, I wouldn’t have felt so totally alone. I wouldn’t even be saying this to you now if it wasn’t for TV shows, musicians, and public figures in the last couple years reinforcing this to me. It doesn’t matter if I was living the life privately as there was still so much confusion about my feelings and fear. But things are better now, on the internet, on TV, in my real life. It’s not perfect but it feels safe enough in this space right now for me to feel confident. So thank you, sincerely, to all the brave people that came before me and to any of you that made this world seem welcoming for me. And instead of procrastinating from this by focusing on work, which was a way for me to insure my own independence and survival in case I was rejected, or just doing things for other people to take my mind off it instead of asserting my own needs, which my therapist keeps telling me is one of my biggest problems. Here I am with a fresh void of time in front of me to fuck up however I want. Now look, we all have different experiences in life. Some of us are lucky, some of us not. It just so happened that the first 18 years of my life were horrendously shit. It failed me. But we get dealt cards from the start, too. If you look at my life, I was born into this world as an able-bodied, white, cis-man in Britain which immediately gives me so much privilege in this current world and I am fully aware of how much harder making it to today could have been for me, which is why we all need to stand up for equality and social justice even if it doesn’t apply to us. No one stood up for me when it mattered the most and that almost cost me everything. So if you see a woman being harassed, a gay being threatened, someone muttering something racist, say something, do something because if you’re still or silent, the victim will just think that you are against them, too. We all have a responsibility.
This tale was just some of the stuff relating to sexuality. We all have a whole sob story if we wanna tell it but I just wanted to explain the journey of how I got to this point and overcame the obstacles that tried to block this path. And now I’ve arrived.
Chapter 4 – Labels
Okay cool story, bro, it’s answer time. What’s your answer. Whaddayalikedafuk? Here’s the thing, you want me to talk candidly about sexuality as if it’s something that I understand? I don’t know what it is, why it is. Turns out no one knows. I’ve been sitting here for years waiting for scientists to just work it out like bleep bloop. [Oh this is why and exactly how it’s different for people. There we go.] Thinking I shouldn’t run off my mouth on the internet in case my theories and opinions on varying gayness get debunked next week. Well, I waited long enough and it didn’t happen. Science, ya fucked up, you let me down. And I fully expect to have to delete this video in two weeks when you find out all the answers suddenly. Thanks a bunch. What makes someone gay or straight or all the things in between? What the ever loving fuck is gender about? This is a mess. Yet people want you to give them a word because that’s how humans communicate with words that have meanings. Which is why our disgusting species is impatient, stupid, and obsessed with labels. And this applies to everything, sexuality, gender, political identity, what obscure genre of synthwave you listen to. People just want a label that represents something they understand so they already know how to feel about you and don’t have to bother thinking. [Oh you’re a feminist well I don’t need to know anything more. Oh you’re a leftist. Oh you’re a K-pop fan but but but but.] If people just want to find a way to disagree with you or dislike you, they can refer to the label and turn off their brains. Hey, what does my label say? Huh. The issue is, especially when we start talking about the writhing mass of confusion and suffering that is sexual and gender identity, the limits of language and specific terminology become a big problem. What does being gay mean? You never thought about a boob once? What does being a man mean? You wanna be an emotionless rock rubbing raw steaks against your biceps? It’s not like humanity is all in agreement right now. I don’t like the stereotypes and drama that come with all this terminology so I’m just not gonna use it. Thing is gender identity isn’t my issue. I feel comfortable with the identity that I’ve had my whole life. Dan, a tol boy from England. But being a man means nothing to me. I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable wearing makeup or a sickening pair of heels, though I can’t even draw in a straight line so that would be a disaster. Also is anyone really comfortable wearing heels? Hmm. Icons of masculinity aren’t really a big part of my life. Might as well call me a fucking formless blob that sounds more relatable. Shout out to all my formless blobs out there, rise up. I don’t have to do anything or be anything and I personally wouldn’t feel offended if I wasn’t referred to as a he. Well, she’s feeling hungry today. Stop fucking judging me, Susan. I’m sad and I’m gonna eat this whole damn cake whether you like it or not. But anyone that has this don’t really care attitude about their gender identity is in a way privileged 'cause some people, especially trans, care a lot about their gender identity and using the correct pronouns which other people should respect. Likewise with sexuality, whilst to me the endlessly increasing list of tribes and flags being flown is a bit daunting and confusing and personally stresses me out 'cause I almost find it constrictive, some people like it. Because if you’re feelings are confusing and then you look at a word that represents something and go, “wow, that me”, it can help you realize you’re valid and find a community and that’s great. There is so much controversy around this issue and others but if we all just calm down, respect each other’s experiences and try to just be nice, reasonable people, which is a lot to ask, let’s be real, it’s quite simple. If you wanna use language to express your honest feelings and identity, that’s great and other people should respect what you say. Likewise, if you hate labels and you just wanna be a formless blob, that’s fine, too. No one should force you. The only thing that isn’t cool is telling other people what they should or should not identify as 'cause that ain’t your problem or your business, bye. This was one of the things that held me back from talking about this for years. Shit’s confusing, man. Let’s just go back to cellular reproduction by mitosis so I don’t really have to be specific. Two people that I really look up to and respect, Harry Styles and Janelle Monae, both famously say that they don’t feel the need to label it which, to be honest, is how I feel and is perfectly okay. But I get it, for me, you want a word. Oh, that’s hard, though. I’m an annoying guy. I feel uncertain specifying my sexuality in the same way I wouldn’t say I am an atheist. Who the fuck am I to say whether God does or doesn’t exist? I don’t know shit 'bout shit and neither does anyone else. I mean I think it’s unlikely in the same way I know I like DICK. But I’m not gonna pretend to have a definite answer here. Looking at my public statements is inconsistent and confusing. Looking at my personal track record through life is super confusing. And looking at the void inside my soul threatening to crush the entire universe with the force of its event horizon of misery and melodrama, well, fuck let’s close that shit up. One thing’s for sure whatever heterosexual is, I ain’t it. Really if you ask me, I don’t think anyone’s totally straight. I think there’s a lot of social and emotional issues getting in the way of yet to be understood feelings of attraction that can be very flexible. And trust me, I’ve known a lot of straight guys until a couple of drinks, some deep conversation, and lingering eye contact, and suddenly they just start leaning in. What does that make them? And am I totally gay? No. Am I slightly more gay or is it just easier for gays to hook up with each other because of societal norms. It’s not like the signs for male and female bathrooms are what I’m attracted to. I don’t care what flesh organ you have between your legs, what your hair’s like, if you’re covered in it or a fuckin’ beluga whale. I’m gonna be honest, I’m not picky. I’m easy. So am I bi or pan or poly? Well, now we’re just in a clusterfuck of defining language and I’m confused and sad and horny. This is why I personally love the word queer. I understand that some people don’t as it is a slur but as someone that’s been the target of it several times throughout my life I’m up for some reclamation. It’s like recycling. The definition makes sense because until society is equal with all sexual and gender identifies, it is literally strange from a conventional viewpoint plus it’s better than a super long acronym, it’s inclusive of everyone and therefore great for formless blobs. There we go, an identity I feel comfortable with. A highly-strung, depressed queer praying for a giant meteor to hurry up and finally eradicate humanity. LMAO, yeet!
But to come full circle, I know that even today, deep in my heart the word gay scares me because that’s how I’ve been conditioned my whole life. So, you know what? Fuck the literal definition and the scientific definition and what everyone thinks. I finally have to just confront and accept this.
I’m gay.
Oh look, didn’t spontaneously fucking combust. Well, there we go, that was a lot of stress about nothing, wasn’t it? Bloody hell. So yup, I’m here, I’m queer, and don’t worry I’m still filled with existential fear.
WE’RE HERE, WE’RE QUEER WE’RE FILLED WITH EXISTENTIAL FEAR.
Chapter 5 – Fear
Even though I’m at this current place, there is still so much I’m afraid of and this has taken months to make because of that. Telling my family was a big fear. I have problems connecting with them emotionally because reasons. So I only came out to them this month and if it didn’t go well, as I’m now the independent adult that I fought so hard to be, I was ready to cut them off like the bottom of a sweater turning into a seasonal crop. But I didn’t have to, love you. I didn’t think they’d reject me these days but coming out is still a surprise. It changes things. And I’m a pretty awkward person generally but the idea of just dropping this in conversation in front of them all terrified me. And I tried several times this year to do it but I just couldn’t. So you know how I finally came out to my family? E-mail. Yep, I literally just sent them an e-mail saying and I quote,
“Hello gang. I’ve been meaning to talk to you all for a while, something quite important that should be disclosed at some point. I thought I would around Christmas, then Mum’s birthday, then last Easter Sunday, etc., but every time I meant to, I either felt like I would ruin the mood of the day or I just felt awkward and didn’t want to. So I decided just to email you all instead which is really inappropriate and just weird but that somehow seems appropriate for me and at least I’ll just finally say it.
Basically I’m gay.”
Yup. It was just getting ridiculous so I thought screw it and hey, it worked. Turns out my remaining family, pretty chill bunch of people. Even my Christian grandma said this,
“We love you for being you. It must be a great relief to finally acknowledge who you are. Popsie and I just want you to be happy. People are born as they are and have no say in it. I hope that now you will feel free to live your life as you want with no pretense.”
Aw.
“Don’t forget the iPad.”
Yes, I said I’d give her my old iPad. She mainly cares about that I thing. Wasn’t so sure when I was 17 but it went well now and I know that makes me lucky but, hey, it shows that times change. As for the other people in my life, obviously all the friends I have now are cool. If anyone in my life I’ve ever known isn’t cool with it then I don’t care. And sure here online there might be a few incredibly lost bigots following me or just some classic trolls who I think should get fucked. No, like literally, I think you should try it. You’ll probably enjoy it and you might learn something about yourself. Inevitably some of you watching this might have a weird reaction if you just feel like it was a shock or you feel hurt that I kept it from you. But I feel like I explained myself reasonably here and going forward I can’t have any space for that, sorry. I’ve come to terms with who I am and now you have to, too, ha. Funnily enough straight up homophobia is probably the one thing I’m not that afraid of, because I just don’t agree so it doesn’t hold much emotional power over me but you bet I’m opening myself up to all new kinds of in real life and international discrimination now which is fun. But one of the other big fears holding me back was, honestly, that I wouldn’t be accepted by the community. I know that it’s a big pride flag covering a lot of ground and even the idea of it and certainly most of it is amazing. But there is a lot of drama within it right now especially on the internet. You’ve got Grindr gays arguing about how manly gays should be, bi’s getting ignored, trans people, especially of color, not being historically appreciated, acephobia, fucking SWERFs and TERFs. No thank you. So even though they are my people, I know some of them will have problems with something. And even then, just seeing such a loud and proud, strong and opinionated group of people celebrating something just intimidates a smol introvert such as myself. And in my mind if these people don’t accept me because I’m not being definitive enough or I took too long then I almost feel like I’ll be alone all over again, and this is a fear that a lot of people have honestly. But I’m a nice guy and I’m trying my best so you better be welcoming, you bunch of fuckin’ queers. And obviously with the topic of sexuality, it doesn’t matter where we are or how far you think we’ve come, by merely mentioning it, I will be opening up a primordial box of bullshit which will include every single stupid argument and question since the dawn of time. [It’s not natural.] There’s gay animals. [Adam and Steve.] That’s based on a story and the protagonist that arrives later probably doesn’t agree with you. [Why can’t we have straight pride?] I could spend 10 hours on all the classic crap and people would still be asking the same things. This being posted on the internet, my hopes are so incredibly low, lower than my self-esteem.  Wow, that is unhealthy. I need to stop doing that. This video is about internalized oppression and the problems of language. I’m not here to pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the entire concept of gayness. *ASMR voice*: Pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the concept of gayness.  
There’s other humans and all the time in the world left for that. The time in the world coincidentally being not much longer. Climate change LMAO. But I had to tell my story so people would understand me and these things. Why coming out is still a big deal because queer people are often invisible and suffering until they have to do it. Some people grow up in supportive environments and it’s a positive experience. But more likely, especially around the world outside of the big cities, it isn’t. This is not a fight that is anywhere near over. Even in Britain today people are debating whether children should be taught to be accepting of sexual and gender identity in school.
Queer people exist. Choosing not to accept them is not an option.
To anyone watching this that isn’t out, it’s okay. You’re okay. You were born this way, it’s right, and anyone that has a problem with it is wrong. Based on your circumstance, you might not feel ready to tell people yet or that it’s safe and that’s fine, too. Just know that living your truth, with pride, is the way to be happy. You are valid. It gets so much better. And the future is clear. It’s pretty queer.
So there we go. Now I can proceed authentically in my life with full disclosure. Cute mutuals know to slide into the DMs. And you can all fuck off and leave me alone.
Bye.
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hope this isnt weird to ask, but caesar??
not weird at all!!
favorite thing about them: i think his backstory is honestly very compelling. the concept of him growing up feeling so detached and resentful of his father and taking all of that hurt out on the rest of the world living as a thieving street punk only to do a complete 180 later in life and pick up the mantle of his father and grandfather is a really interesting one, there’s a lot to unpack there and i really wish we could have dug into that more in jojo canon.....also i love his birthmarks! cute little crescent moons! adorable!
least favorite thing about them: riding off of what i just said, i feel like in the canon of battle tendency he ended up as kind of a one note character to be used as a plot device ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ that’s not a personal failing of his though. if i had to choose one of THOSE i would say that my least favorite thing about him is his hypocrisy. he lashes out at joseph for not having the same unquestioning respect for his dead relative’s quest even though up until recently he had felt the same confusion and disconnection from his ancestors as jojo and i think that’s some bullshit u__u
favorite line: fuck me lol i cant think of a single caesar quote right now sorry
brOTP: caesar + suzie q teaming up to dunk on joseph is extremely important 2 me
OTP: joseph obviously u___u they’re my favorite “clumsy young love cut down in it’s prime before it could fully realize itself” ship to make myself sad over
nOTP: super hate when i see fanart of him getting saucy with lisa lisa. makes me want to spray people with water as if they r bad cats scratching up my couch. two thumbs down. lisa lisa can and Will do better.
random headcannon: everyone thinks he can really fucking cook for some reason? i guess because he’s italian? anyways i DON’T think he can actually cook all that well but he is DEFINITELY snobby about food and gives unwarranted cooking advice even though he doesnt know jack shit. ALSO the marks on his face are only stylized as purple in reality theyre only a few shades darker than his skin like normal birthmarks cuz i cant accept him just having big purple moons on his face lol.
unpopular opinion: lots of people portray his and joseph’s dynamic as him being just downright cruel to joseph most of the time and that really rubs me the wrong way LOL like they butted heads pretty hard when they first met but it’s....canon that he warms up to him quickly especially once they start training together? he cares for him >:( and not just in a rude tsundere way >:(((
song i associate with them: berlin without return - voxtrot djdjdjdjf less of a caesar specific one and more of a caejose but it makes me cry big time
favorite picture of them:
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gayboy takes a seat
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a-blog-for-a-story · 4 years
Text
Chapter 4
A/N This chapter took a lot of doing. Mod HelpMe wrote it, I (ButterNugget) edited it, helpme edited that and mod GayBoi read through it for spell check reasons, and then I did the same. Phew, a lot of work done, it would seem! I hope you enjoy our latest edition to the story, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas! Now, on with the story.....
When we awoke, groggily opening our tired eyes, Rebecca tossed me a strip of paper with names scribbled all over it. As I tried to decipher her rushed cursive handwriting, she told me they were "Leads.", before spinning back around to continue whatever it is she was working on. Something important, as she was always a bit blunt when she was really focused on something. I made a mental note to grab her a coffee when we're out. I turned to Ryan, who shrugged, not bothered by Rebecca's antics, and stood to get our coats.
"Oh 'beca!” I said, remembering what I had forgotten last night in my excited and fearful storytelling, “I found this on the floor in the house." She regarded me with an arched brow, probably annoyed that I had withheld possibly vital information, as she spun her chair around to face me once more. I handed her the slightly wrinkled photograph. Her eyebrow went much higher.
"I found it under the sofa. The frame was smashed and it looked like it had been done on purpose. It might be a clue" I explained hurriedly, any way I could escape Rebecca's growing frustration.
She looked at it, flipping it over a couple times, scanning it closely- as though it was a crown jewel. Well, this was Rebecca- any piece of evidence when she was working on a case, was important.
She spoke. "It might be the family.” I let out a sigh of relief, “I'll look it up on the database and let you know what I find."
She glanced up at me, reading my expression perfectly, and grinned, "A double espresso please. I'm not planning on sleeping."
I grinned back, "And you tell us to sleep."
Ryan and I turned to leave but, before we could walk out the door, she yelled to me, "I'd like to go the house to get pictures and more information at some point"
To which I yelled back, " Tomorrow!". And closed the door.
Ryan and I walked through the corridor of the station, planning what would happen next, and what things we needed to do before we were stopped by the chief. He was a similar height to myself, but had a much straighter posture, making him seem to tower over people. His hair was shot through with streaks of grey and his face was slightly wrinkled with age and stress.
"Deecan, we need to talk." He said with a tone that told us there was no room for debate. He focused his eyes on me, without even glancing at my comrade. I nodded slowly to him, then to Ryan - who understood and left with a slight nod, and a cheerful wave.
I let the chief lead me to his office. A small room with marroon painted walls, a small dark wood bookshelf, multiple steel cabinets for paperwork, and a old wooden desk with two shabby looking chairs on one side and a shiny, red leather chair on the other.
"Sit." I sat. He sat too, on the side with his nice chair. Typical. He looked at me analytically and I squirmed under the gaze. It always felt like he was looking through your skin, and straight into your head - it made me uncomfortable.
“About your case." He started, his eyes leaving mine for a moment.
"I know, I know. There's no use in chasing fairytales, but cheif-" I began.
He held up his hand to silence me. I halted my manic explanation.
"What are you trying to accomplish?” He asked. "What are you trying to prove?"
"I'm trying to... to..." I trailed off, not sure myself.
“To what? To solve the case nobody else could? To arrest the perpetrator so they may not harm anyone else? Ambition? selflessness? What drives you to solve a case that has been reduced to nothing more than rumours? Why do I feel as though I can't trust you with this? What are you trying to prove to yourself? To me? To your friends? What motivates you to solve a case that is over 25 years old?”
I honestly didn't know. Why did I want to solve the case? I hung my head, feeling like an admonished child. He shook his head slowly.
“Kid, you’ve done a lot for this station, and you are one of the best detectives on my team. You don't have to prove anything.” he said in a much softer tone. Chief was always pushing me to look at everything from different angles, to put myself in someone else’s shoes. To work smarter. He was always teaching me, little things here and there. He was my mentor. And my friend.
"Think about it then come back to me." I nodded, " Go, continue your case."
I quietly left the office, gently closing the door behind me, as once again, questions began buzzing at the back of my mind. I needed a coffee. Bad.
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mousehole5000 · 4 years
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Wen Qing!! And hiei!
oooh two faves!!! a double whammy!!! (also spoilers for the untamed below if anyone cares about that)
Sexuality Headcanon:
wen qing: lesbian obviously
hiei: gayboy obviously
Gender Headcanon:
wen qing: nb gnc lesbian!!!
hiei: doesnt have one, too much of a gremlin
A ship I have with said character:
wen qing: her and yanli!!!! just rewatched the episode where she finds her in the woods feeling ill and takes care of her and escorts her back and we didnt get to see ANY of it hello???? we were robbed but anyway i dream of an au where wq realizes that something is up with her brother and breaks out of jinlintai and finds yanli and they take jin ling and get tf out and everyone lives thank you. plus it would be fuckin hysterical to see jiang chengs reaction to this
hiei: honestly the only ship i really like for him is yusuke. him and kuwabara is funny and sweet tho
A BROTP I have with said character:
wen qing: i want her and mianmian to have interacted, i think she would like the strength of her convictions. also we were robbed of wlw/mlm solidarity with wangji
hiei: kuwabara is a good fit here but i wish we could have gotten some hiei and shizuru interaction i think it would have been funny. i also think she could have gotten him to just talk to his sister already dammit. same goes for keiko tbh i just want him to have female friends i think he needs them if hes ever going to have yukina in his life and i want that for him so
A NOTP I have with said character:
wen qing: her and wei wu🤢. wei wuxi🤢. i cant bring myself to say it but one time i saw fanart of them and im still recovering. wangxian married and have a kid aside, it just seems so clear to me that they treat each other the way they treat their siblings like ??? no thnx
hiei: anything nasty obvs. ive never seen anyone put him with yukina THANK GOD if i did i would have to end them right there. i kind of dont really care for him and kurama i know its popular but honestly i think a lot of the good stuff hiei has to say about him is bc he cant stop talking about how much he hates humans and how much better demons are lmao
A random headcanon:
wen qing: okay this one is kinda sad but i dont think why she becomes a doctor ever gets addressed and i like to think its because she was trying to cure her brother and maybe she had a different dream when she was young but chose to give it up so she could study ;_;
hiei: feels like an common one but i love him not knowing anything useful about the human world but refusing to admit it. kurama gets him a credit card so he stops stealing food from his house and hiei has no clue what that means and runs up a huge bill buying expensive snacks and cool looking antique shit
General Opinion over said character:
wen qing: my general opinion is that I LOVE HER and she deserved better!!! shes the best doctor in qishan and she just wants to help people and take care of her clan and her brother!!! as much as i love our main boys shes sincerely probably my favorite character i just really love her. she puts on a front about only helping people out as a repayment for kindness but its clearly a defense thing to protect herself and wen ning bc she never stops helping people even at at risk to herself like the first thing we see her do at cloud recesses is save the gate guard from wen chao like !!!! i just adore her shes kind and shes funny and ready to tease her loved ones and protect those who need protecting but no one protected her in the end im sorry i made this sad :’((((
hiei: an all time favorite. my first anime crush unfortunately. a big dumb dummy head. when i watched the dub on toonami when i was 8 i wanted yukina to Know so bad that i used to dream about it
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romaniassexdungeon · 5 years
Text
Just Kids - chapter 46
A Wy chapter!  Don't have much else to say except I wonder if I'll ever get this finished.
Read on AO3
...
New year, new me.
What a heap of shit, the Coopers collectively agreed, and yet, it was the perfect opportunity for Charlie.
No, it wasn’t.
But when would be a good opportunity?
Never.
But he might as well get it all over and done with, find out what his brothers thought and deal with the consequences as they came. As long as it was out in the open, he could start being himself and things would work out in the end.
No, he was 13. Where could he go if Logan kicked him out?
Huna would take him in.
But his life would still be hell, and he would have no family left. And everyone at school would treat him like shit. He might have to change schools, like Oscar did.
He’d still have Peter, Lars, Kuzey and Franz. And Huna.
And he’d probably be murdered in some horrific hate crime. Or die of sadness from every member of his family rejecting him and daily bullying.
He'd survived his own father abandoning him; Charlie could survive this. It didn’t matter how many times life kicked him, he could get back up and try again. The thing was, though, at those times, he always had Logan to help him move on and set up a new life. Do all the grown up work while he just packed his bags, looked after Oscar, and wondered what his new school would be like.
Would Huna do that for him? Blow this town and move somewhere else? Start a new life as Charlie Cooper’s guardian? Not that Charlie could ever ask, but he got the impression Hunapo would do that for him anyway. And it could be fun, hanging out at Hunapo’s studio flat, snuggled up with his new parent-sibling in the fold-down bed, watching bad sitcoms on their little box TV.
Well, Logan had always said Flight of the Conchords was bad, but Charlie had never watched it.
If he turned out to be a transphobic cunt, Charlie would watch every episode with Hunapo out of spite. Whilst eating vegan sausages in an All Blacks shirt.
Still, he didn’t need to think about that now. It was his first day back at school, and he wanted to end the term as a boy. He was going to end the term as a boy.
“Look, I just think it’s important that we’re all on the same level,” he began. Mr Fernandez Carriedo had let him use the room over lunch, apparently to work on their website. Charlie needed somewhere private at school, somewhere he could get everyone together and talk properly. “Some of you know already know what I’m talking about, but I wanna come clean to everyone.”
“Wait, where’s Oscar?” asked Mike.
“I wanna talk to him separately,” said Charlie, “him and Logan. As a family.”
“So it’s a big thing, then,” Mike looked around, “a coming out thing?”
“Yeah,” Charlie picked at a nail. “I’ve been thinking about stuff and I’m trans. I’m a trans guy. I would prefer it if you stuck to calling me Charlie, none of this “Charlotte” wank.”
“Sure thing, man,” said Mike, glancing over at Sal with amusement. Sal was speechless, brain seeming to take a while to process everything.
“You’d make a beautiful man,” he eventually spluttered out. Charlie blinked.
“I know you already told me,” said Franz, “but it’s kinda cool we have some gays and bis and stuff, but you’re our first tran. Congrats.”
“Wait, who’s gay and bi here?” asked Nobuyuki.
A chorus of “me”s sounded from several boys. Kuzey kept very quiet.
“So, is there any straight people besides me?”
“I am, I think,” said Sal.
“Gotta keep a few around,” said Peter, “you know, so no one thinks we’re straightophobic.”
Charlie smiled. He wasn’t alone. Not only did he have Hunapo, but now he had a solid support network of friends. LGBTQ friends who might not know exactly what he was going through, but he wasn’t alone.
He was never going to be alone again.
“I can’t believe we’re your token straights,” said Nobuyuki.
Peter shrugged. “Who else am I gonna talk about football with?”
“Since when did I care about football?”
“No offence but this is about me, remember?” said Charlie, hands on hips. “I’m trying to come out here!”
“Sorry, sorry,” said Lars, “so you gonna come out to the whole school?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I want to start living as a boy, but school sucks. Everyone here sucks.”
“If anyone gives you trouble, we’d shank them,” Franz inspected his nails.
“I need to see how my brothers react, anyway. We can go from there.”
“I mean, I’d be really disappointed in Oscar if he ends up being a dick about it. Like, I like him, but I’d dump his ass in a second. And Logan fancies the agender one, right?”
“Yeah. But it’s different when it’s family, right? It gets real .”
“Fancying one of those transgenders makes it real,” said Peter, "right?"
“Pete, you use transgender as a noun again and I’ll kick you in the dick. We’ve been through this.”
“But it makes you so mad, you transgender.”
Charlie threw a pencil at him.
“You bisexual.”
“Yes, that’s me.”
Kuzey glanced between them.
“Wait, so are you gay or straight?” asked Sal.
“I dunno. I’m nowhere near figuring that out. I’m better than you, but I can only do so much at once. Anyway, might as well get some work done.”
“We got a full inbox,” said Lars, “guess people get lonely over the holidays. I’ve been trying to keep up, but…”
Charlie knew. He’d seen the surprisingly heartfelt, empathetic messages Lars was leaving people, the advice he’d give on bullying, loneliness, being in the closet. The last one Charlie himself had sent in. This was the guy who’d filmed Peter as his appendix burst and pointed and laughed. Lars didn’t do respectful. He wasn’t sensitive. Charlie hadn’t been sure the guy was capable of sympathy.
“We all need to pull our weight,” he told the group, “I want to go to the library in a bit and get some new year reading. Research some issues and how to talk to people about them.”
“A library?” asked Franz.
Charlie shrugged. “Oscar rubs off on me; sometimes I feel like sitting in a library and reading.”
“No, I get it. It’s quiet and aesthetic. Like the art classrooms.”
“You two are lame. I’m gonna play games in the IT suite.” Lars got up. “Later, gayboys.”
“You’re literally the only gay here, Lars,” said Peter, getting out a football and leaving.
Mike and Sal watched everyone else leave one by one, then they pulled out their lunches and phones.
“Think Oscar’s lonely?” asked Mike.
“Probably,” said Sal. “Wanna risk texting him?”
“Nah. Kinda wanna talk about Charlie.”
Sal looked at him, face unreadable for once. “You do?”
“Just... so what do you think about it?”
Sal shrugged. “That’s he- his business. I just want… him to be happy.”
“Still have a crush? I mean, do you get crushes on dudes?”
“No, but Charlie still kinda looks like a girl right now. I mean, when he starts looking like a guy, maybe I’ll not fancy him anymore. Or maybe it’ll turn out I’m bi. I don’t know, but Charlie’s a guy, so… I just want him to be happy.”
“Yeah, just want him to be happy.”
...
Hunapo held his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. He would be okay. There were people on Charlie’s side. But it would be really, really nice if his brothers were too.
“We learnt about chromosomes in science,” he began, “you know, about how I have two X chromosomes so I’m a girl and stuff.”
Hunapo smiled. “Yeah, basic biology is so oversimplified. Shame not many people ever move past that.”
“Yeah, like, I’d rather not learn the hard stuff right now, but I still felt weird listening to it. Not as scary as hearing about puberty and how my body's gonna "go through some changes".”
“Don’t worry too much about your chromosomes,” said Hunapo, “you can’t change them, but that’s okay. They tell you what you look like, but they don’t tell you what you are inside.”
“Cheesy. I’m glad you’re with me.”
He hadn’t told Logan he’d asked Hunapo to pick him up from science club, just sent Oscar home and let him explain it. It also gave Logan an hour so to clean up himself and the house for his crush.
Outside his house, Charlie hesitated. This was it, the last chance to turn back. He looked up at Hunapo.
“It’s gonna be okay,” they replied. “Whatever happens, you’re gonna be free to start being who you are.”
He nodded, then opened the door.
...
“I mean,” Logan paced the room as it all sank in, “I guess we’re gonna save on water.”
That wasn’t the response Charlie had been expecting. Not even remotely. He sat on the sofa, watching Logan pace and Oscar sit in silent thought in the armchair. “Er, why?”
“Well, guys don’t shower as much. Some spray does us for a few days. Could probably stretch it out to a week, like me.”
“Absolutely not true,” said Oscar, “Charlie, you’re about to be going through puberty. You’re going to smell. You’re going to get spots and sweat and it’s gross. Please keep showering.”
“This conversations going weirdly,” Charlie mumbled.
Hunapo put down their cup of tea and put an arm around him. “Look, Charlie’s just poured his heart out. Are you gonna accept him or not?”
“Of course. We’re an LGBT-only household now,” Logan ruffled Charlie’s hair. “I mean, fuck, it’s gonna take a while to get used to it, but we’re gonna stick with you. The Coopers got each other’s backs, and no one messes with us.”
“You can have some of my old clothes,” added Oscar, “I think I have some stuff that doesn’t fit.”
“Thanks,” Charlie grinned, “and we can sell the girly clothes and you can use the money for bills-”
Logan cut him off. “No way, it’s your money. You’d have earned it. You can buy yourself some boys clothes and get a haircut.”
“I don’t mind treating Charlie to a haircut,” said Hunapo.
“Because sh- he caught it off you? Fuck. I was trying to joke but slipped up the “she” and “he”, sorry Charlie. It might take a while to get it right.”
“Chill, Loggie. As long as you’re trying. I still misgender myself in my head sometimes.”
“I do too,” added Hunapo, “it’s annoying, but happens. And I haven't finished indoctrinating Charlie in the trans agenda yet.”
"I'm going to throw bricks at fascists!" Charlie chirped.
"I'm so proud of you." Logan sat down next to Charlie and pulled him onto his lap for a cuddle. "Aww, kid, you haven't been worrying about how I'd take it, have you?"
Charlie nodded. "I... we never talked about this kind of stuff. I had no idea how you'd react."
"Everything about you is offensive, down to your smell," said Hunapo flatly.
"Shut the fuck up, Sheepshagger." He kissed the top of Charlie's head. "Chubba-Charlie, I'm always gonna support you, okay? You and Oscar are my brothers. My babies. Remember that. I'm here to help you be who you are."
"I absolutely support you too," added Oscar.
"Love you Loggie. Love you, Oscar."
"Love you too, baby."
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berrymeter · 3 years
Text
like idk it is not a conscious bias i doubt it but there is the problem of finding it cute when teen boys are dating but being repulsed by grown men dating in those ppl who are overly invested in fandom and shipping... like why is it only appealing to u when they're young? why are u so fervently against relationships that are pretty much universally accepted as canon bc of how glaring it is when these relationships are btwn two adult men? like if u just don't like it alright but if u get Upset about it uh why?? idk this all makes me uncomfortable <3
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brotherskywalker · 6 years
Text
Ship meme
Since no one ever sends me asks, I’ll just answer everything. :D
what is your absolute favorite ship?
Obviously Luke/Leia.
what ship do you hate most?
In Star Wars Reylo. On average, I dislike rivalry pairings. Anything where two characters who canonically hate or dislike each other are inexplicably one of the largest ships in fanon defying all logic. (Harry/Draco, Hermione/Draco, Doctor/Master, Kylo/Rey, etc.)
what was your first ship, and what fandom is it from?
Billy/Kim from the original Power Rangers, probably. Though I like Star Wars before then, I didn’t “ship it.”
explain why do/don’t ship [pairing]
Since I’m answering this for myself, I’m going to go with “do” and “Luke/Leia.” For me, it’s because they’re so good to each other, and for each other. They make each other better people, and that’s always a huge plus for me in pairings I ship. Additionally, they have such an intense connection that I think is just beyond compare to any other pairing--connected through the Force and connected because they’re twins. It makes their relationship able to become so intense and deep.
how did you start shipping [pairing]?
Once again going with Luke/Leia. I shipped them as a kid. I liked Luke and I wanted him to get the girl. I didn’t (and still don’t) understand why Leia would be interested in the scoundrel that constantly belittled her, insulted her, and disrespected her. I always thought that once Luke matured and grew up and dealt with his Daddy Issues he and Leia would hook up (and she’d realize her initial instincts about Han were right). I thought it’d be a really nice growth arc for both of them. When it turned out that they were twins (as an attempt to resolve the love triangle) I thought, as a kid, that it wasn’t a good enough reason for them not to be together since they were clearly the healthier pair... and turns out I still feel that way.
is there a ship that you used to ship, but don’t anymore?
There are ships that I  used to be passionate about a lot but which I’m not super passionate about anymore, but I don’t know if there are any that I stopped shipping... Maybe Willow/Oz from Buffy. Not because I don’t think they were great together (they’re still one of my favorite pairings) but because canonically they broke up and Willow came out as a lesbian, which makes me still shipping Willow/Oz... complicated.
what’s a ship you like that most people don’t?
lol... Luke/Leia? I also liked Kirk/McCoy from the TOS which is uncommon among Spock/Kirk and Spock/McCoy shippers, I guess.
what’s a ship you hate that most people like?
Tenth Doctor/Rose. Also, every ship listed in “what ship do you hate most?”
what is the most underrated ship, in your opinion?
LUKE/LEIA. I get why it’s not huge ship in the face of Han/Leia, but the fact that it’s so small is really baffling to me. I think if Star Wars came out today it’d be a much bigger ship.
what is the most overrated ship, in your opinion?
Of all time? I have no idea... Reylo is definitely up there. Maybe the Twilight characters.... all of them....
do you prefer [pairing] as an otp, brotp, or notp?
Ugh, some of these are so hard to do on my own lol. Pass. Feel free to send me an ask if you have a specific pairing for this you want to ask.
why do you think [pairing] is so popular?
I’ll go with “Reylo” for this. Honestly, I wish I knew. Han/Leia I think is popular because Harrison Ford is attractive and Carrie Fisher is attractive, so they’re easy to see together. Men can self-insert into Han and “get the girl” and women can self-insert into Leia and “get the hot dude.” And since they’re canon it’s handed to you on a silver plate (so long as you don’t think too hard about it)... Reylo... idk. Daisy is attractive, but Adam Driver is not. But I guess he’s attractive enough for lots of people to want him? I think there’s a large group of women out there that into the “bad boy” (as evidenced by the popularity of stuff like Hermione/Draco, Twilight, 50 Shades, etc.). They’re all permutations of the same thing. For some reason that stuff is popular, and I think Reylo is a variant on that... It has no basis in canon (just like Hermione/Draco), but the fans want to see their self-insert save the bad boy, and maybe be corrupted into sexual funtimes as well. I’m sure someone’s written a dissertation on it. Maybe the women want to be corrupted in order to be allowed to enjoy their sexuality since society tends to give women shit for being sexually promiscuous. I honestly have no idea.... everything about Reylo is vile to me.
why do you think [pairing] isn’t popular?
I’ll go with Luke/Leia here. I’d say is 1 part “ewww incest”, 1 part “but Han/Leia are canon!!!!111″ and 1 part “Luke is a whiny gayboy.”
rate [pairing] from 1-10 and explain why
Ugh, pass. Feel free to send in an ask for a pairing if you want.
what’s your favorite headcanon of [pairing]?
I’ll go with Luke/Leia. I have so many headcanons... A favorite for me is that they both feel like they’ve been searching for “something” all their lives and that “something” is their other half/twin, and they’re constantly trying to feel whole. One of the only times they really feel whole is when they make love together.
what’s your favorite canon moment of [pairing]?
Going with Luke/Leia again. So many great moments. My choice would probably change any day of the week... but the one that immediately comes to mind is just the moment on the Death Star II when Vader threatens Leia and that’s what pushes Luke over the edge. (But I also love all the soft touches between them--Leia kissing him on the Falcon after he loses his hand on Bespin, and the way her body presses into him at the Endor party after he sees the ghosts.)
favorite AU ideas for [pairing]?
Luke/Leia again. Lots of AU ideas, but one I’ve thought about a lot is the timeline had extended just a bit--Luke and Ben got dropped of on Alderaan before it was destroyed and Luke and Leia could’ve met in a more natural (but still serious about-to-go-to-war setting). Luke trained as a Jedi on Alderaan under Obi-Wan, Luke and Leia got to become friends (with Bail and Obi-Wan freaking out about whether or not they should tell them the Truth), and then Plot happening to prevent it. Also Han gets his money on Alderaan and goes and pays Jabba and lives happily ever after.
rant about [pairing]
Send me a pairing if you want, but I can’t go off on nothing.
what’s a meme/quote that reminds you of [pairing]?
Send me a pairing, but I’m really, really bad about stuff like this.
what song(s) remind you of [pairing]?
Did I mention I’m really, really bad about stuff like this? Don’t send me this one, I won’t have an answer, not even for LL.
what kind of dates do you think [pairing] would go on?
For Luke/Leia it would depending on whether other people knew they’re twins and/or if other people know if incest is super taboo. In a perfect world, I think they’d do sweet dates... like strawberry picking or the space equivalent. I’m sure occasionally they’d go to trendy restaurants and stuff, but I think they’d both be most happy at like... a farmer’s market, dancing around the hay bales, buying fresh roasted corn, sharing a shaved ice, maybe a little ice skating, etc. Simple life after the war.
realistically, do you think [non-canon pairing] will ever be canon? why or why not?
Let’s go with Reylo. No. I really don’t. There’s no way. It’s unsatisfying on every level, and narrative makes no sense. If they wanted Kylo to have a redemption arc, they blew it with The Last Jedi. The ending of that movie is Rey running into Finn’s arms, so the only realistic romantic that could happen in IX is Finnrey.
have you ever written fanfiction/drawn fanart of [pairing]? would you consider it?
For Luke/Leia, yes. Yes, I have. I’ved posted most of the art I’ve drawn of them under #my art, though I’ve only done like... three pieces.
any other questions?
Feel free to send any in if you have any.
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melechrholt · 3 years
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The most important thing for you to know is that it is impossible to feel bad and at the same time be having good thoughts. That would defy the law, because your thoughts cause your feelings. If you are feeling bad, it is because you are thinking thoughts that are making you feel bad. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• #dancersofinstagram #modeling #model #photography #fashion #photoshoot #photooftheday #instagram #instagood #love #style #portrait #follow #photo #photographer #like #beauty #picoftheday #beautiful #art #likeforlikes #cute #me #myself #modellife #girl #smile #portraitphotography #gayboy #hotmen (at San Jose State University) https://www.instagram.com/p/CRmVWURrjAS/?utm_medium=tumblr
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sinesalvatorem · 6 years
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What I Learned About Myself By Getting High And Destroying Gender
I was originally writing a really long post, but then I realised that this just wasn’t feasible if I wanted it to be readable. So I’m breaking it up into several related posts that you can read or not read individually.
Here’s a summary of the main points:
I believe in the Blanchard/Bailey typology with caveats.
I believe that I’m a type-1 transwoman.
Because type-1 women and flamboyantly gay men are supposed to be on a single continuum, I decided to test the “being a flamboyantly gay man” thing to see if it fit.
Shockingly, being a twink fits only slightly less well than being a woman, but almost as well, so I’m currently investigating that and give a 20% chance that I detransition in the next few months.
This experience caused my feelings of distinctly being a woman to dissolve, instead turning into a feeling of “I feel like part of the group [women | gaybois] because I am far more similar to them than to the set of straight men”. So, I no longer have an innate sense of gender! I’m literally trans-by-default (ie, be a girl because life is easier as a girl).
It turns out that, now that I’m noticing male attractiveness, I find my reflection attractive and feel mildly invested in continuing to have those attractive (read: testosterone-indicating) features.
My auto-androphilia is inconvenient for transition, but I doubt it’ll stop me too much if I decide that life as a transwoman is the best life to aspire to. (IDK how many hidden gems like “be a twink” I’m still missing.)
I feel vaguely alienated from the part of the trans community I encounter, but this is perfectly understandable under the circumstances and I don’t feel too bad about it.
@cptsdcarlosdevil​, @silver-and-ivory​, @sigmaleph, and @tailcalled​, this series is nothing but your interests, I expect.
For more of this, you might want to check ‘#gender collapsed when measured’. I’ll be using that tag for this thing.
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gallionicTrickster 1
[08:00:20] -- aestheticVirtuoso [AV] began trolling gallionicTrickster [GT] at 20:00 --
[08:00:27] AV: G4y b+y.
[08:01:00] GT: im not gay your gay
[08:01:04] GT: gayboi
[08:01:36] AV: Nicc C4ge w4tches +<er my g4yness.
[08:04:59] AV: I h4<e s4crificed my s+uld t+ Nicc C4ge.
[08:05:11] AV: *S+ul
[08:06:50] GT: yeah im sure thats gonna work out
[08:07:01] AV: It 4lre4dy h4s.
[08:07:05] GT: did you try making a wish first?
[08:07:47] AV: I wished f+r the w4rm embr4ce +f GGGGGGGGGGGG44444444444YYYYYYYYYYY
[08:08:12] GT: i dont even know what g4y is
[08:08:18] GT: is it like
[08:08:26] GT: a pudding or something?
[08:08:44] AV: Y+u're fucking g4y 4s 4ll hell.
[08:08:45] GT: whatever it is it sounds awful and i do not aprove
[08:08:52] AV: T++ L4TE.
[08:09:08] AV: IT H4S T4KEN +<ER +UR W+RLD.
[08:09:12] GT: oh
[08:09:42] GT: so its like
[08:09:45] AV: 4IDS
[08:09:47] GT: retardation?
[08:09:51] AV: S4ME THING
[08:09:57] GT: wow
[08:10:03] GT: im offended
[08:10:06] GT: im sop not retarded
[08:10:28] AV: Re4lly? F++led me.
[08:10:31] GT: like you and your "gay" as friends
[08:10:47] GT: i type hard and fast
[08:10:52] AV: G4y is the +nly w4y.
[08:10:58] GT: your just in awe of my mad as skillss
[08:11:07] AV: Fuck +ff.
[08:11:24] GT: nothing personnel kid
[08:11:24] AV: Skills 4re f+r pe+ple wh+ c4re.
[08:11:33] GT: yeah
[08:11:35] GT: like you
[08:11:42] GT: you skilled peice of shit
[08:11:51] GT: go be good at art somewhere
[08:11:55] GT: fucking loser
[08:12:13] AV: G+ be g++d 4t sucking dick.
[08:12:31] GT: fuclking gay as peacock peice of ass
[08:12:36] GT: i get lots of dick
[08:12:38] GT: unlike you
[08:12:51] GT: im mad rolling in the bul,ge
[08:12:53] AV: Suck my pe4c+ck bulge.
[08:12:58] GT: i dont even have enough buckets
[08:13:11] AV: They're +nly full +f te4rs.
[08:13:23] GT: sorry kid but im not a rainbow drinker
[08:13:31] GT: that bulge got too many colors
[08:14:20] AV: W+w. Guess y+ur buckets re4lly 4re +nly full +f y+ur te4rs if y+u c4n't st4nd l++king 4t t++ m4ny c+l+rs.
[08:14:33] GT: fuck
[08:14:39] GT: i just got roasted
[08:14:48] AV: Sick f4ires bl4sted.
[08:14:56] AV: *Fires
[08:15:25] GT: im burning alive
[08:15:35] AV: 4n4l 4ss4ssin4ti+n.
[08:15:36] GT: kind of like your entire blood cast
[08:15:42] AV: CHRIST
[08:15:57] GT: yeah that was a low blow
[08:16:03] GT: lower than your blood
[08:17:02] AV: H+ly shit.
[08:17:09] GT: then again im the cerulean thats slumming it with you
[08:17:18] GT: which depending on who you ask
[08:17:26] GT: makes me an even bigger retard
[08:17:50] GT: fucking peasants
[08:18:06] AV: G+ suck 4 big, f4t purple bulge.
[08:18:07] GT: always ruining my classy ass image
[08:18:15] GT: lol no
[08:18:18] AV: E4t n++k.
[08:18:24] GT: clowns are retarded as shit
[08:18:39] AV: Then m4ke it 4n indig+.
[08:18:43] GT: and fishes are way too salty
[08:18:57] GT: indigo think they all that
[08:19:02] GT: they dumb as fuck
[08:19:18] AV: They'll re4lly p+und th4t gr+ss n++k +f y+urs.
[08:19:28] GT: yeah pretty much
[08:19:38] GT: they be pounding my door down for sure
[08:19:44] AV: Cr4ck th4t shit +pen.
[08:19:54] GT: too bad they arnt immune to being lit on fire
[08:19:59] GT: not like your kind
[08:20:02] GT: whos like
[08:20:06] GT: used to it by now
[08:20:16] AV: Shut up.
[08:20:24] GT: your welcome
[08:20:43] AV: Y+u're still g4y 4s 4ll shit.
[08:21:01] GT: you too buddy
[08:21:23] AV: I'm the g4yest +f them 4ll.
[08:21:31] AV: Y+u c4n't e<en c+mp4re.
[08:21:39] AV: I'm like 4 g+d +f g4y.
[08:21:47] AV: Step +ff.
[08:21:53] GT: wow
[08:22:07] GT: im bumbping shoulders with a real celebrity here
[08:22:21] GT: condesce aint got shit on you gay boy
[08:22:48] AV: I'll fuck the c+ndese up.
[08:23:06] GT: lets not get carried away here retard
[08:23:13] GT: she might be super retarded
[08:23:38] GT: but i dont think she'll stand there and let you FANgirl them to death
[08:24:28] AV: M+re like st4b cut them the fuck up with my f4ns.
[08:24:41] AV: St4b cut. Re4l 4rt.
[08:24:51] GT: wow your bulge is soooooo big
[08:25:10] GT: your sduch a big tough snowflake
[08:25:20] GT: just dont get yourself killed idiot
[08:25:49] AV: I'll get myself killed if th4t's wh4t I w4nt t+ d+.
[08:26:01] GT: how dare you
[08:26:09] GT: im offended to the highest caliber
[08:26:19] GT: higher than my blood compared to yours
[08:27:44] AV: W+w. h+w s4d. I h+pe y+u h4<e s+me tissues +r s+me shit.
[08:28:00] GT: yeah i do
[08:28:15] AV: Use them r4ther th4n my sh+ulder, then.
[08:28:16] GT: ive always got tissues within reach of my computer
[08:28:25] AV: gr+ss 4ss.
[08:29:01] GT: i have to make sure all this nook i get doesnt drip on my nice ass highblood pc
[08:29:03] AV: I h+pe y+u dr+wn in jizz.
[08:29:33] AV: Drink th4t n++k juice like 4 g+d d4mn r4inb+w drinker.
[08:29:40] AV: Slut.
[08:30:08] GT: you know me so well
[08:32:16] AV: Suck y+ur +wn Lusus' dick.
[08:32:48] GT: if only i could find them
[08:32:58] GT: that fucker hides all over the place
[08:33:02] GT: sneaky as fuck
[08:33:31] AV: Check in y+ur fre4ky sex dunge+n.
[08:33:37] AV: F4g.
[08:33:58] GT: wow
[08:34:04] GT: i thought we were friends
[08:34:25] GT: you never mention someones sex dungeon all willy nilly like that
[08:35:32] AV: Jegus, d+es it exist? I w4s fucking j+king.
[08:36:57] GT: lol
[08:37:11] GT: if i had a room dedicated to sex iut wouldnt be a dungeon
[08:37:18] GT: itd be a 5 star resort
[08:37:44] AV: N+t t++ gre4t with the BDSM m++d setting th+ugh.
[08:38:40] GT: "and im pretty sure the guy at the front desk was trying to bang my matesprit"
[08:39:21] AV: Wh4t the fuck is this? F4nficti+n qu+tes? I'm 4pp4lled GT.
[08:39:48] GT: fanfictions top notch
[08:39:58] GT: you just dont apreciate REAL art
[08:40:42] AV: The +nly 4rt here is y+ur bl++dy c+rpse.
[08:40:53] GT: aw
[08:40:56] GT: thats sweet of you
[08:41:08] AV: E4t my n++k.
[08:41:16] GT: im pretty enough to be art? :)
[08:41:29] AV: I t4ke it b4ck. Y+u're tr4sh.
[08:41:38] GT: fuck you
[08:41:52] GT: gay retard
[08:43:12] AV: Still better th4n wh4t y+u 4re.
[08:43:23] GT: fair enough
[08:43:27] GT: but if i was trash
[08:43:36] GT: would you throw me out ;)
[08:43:56] AV: Y+u'd g+ right int+ t+ g4rb4ge dump.
[08:44:05] AV: *the
[08:44:26] GT: <> you know just how to make me feel like trash
[08:45:54] AV: I d+n't think th4t f4lls under m+ir4il.
[08:46:12] GT: close enough
[08:48:17] AV: W+w. y+ur qu4dr4nts 4re fucked.
[08:48:35] GT: yeah'good job asshat
[08:48:39] GT: best moirail
[08:50:17] AV: Gr+ss, inhebr4ted qu4dr4nt fucker.
[08:54:03] GT: yup that sounds like a moirail doing a fine ass job'
[08:55:13] AV: Like y+u 4re either. Wh4t kind +f fucked up m+ir4il j+kes 4b+ut y+ur bl++d c+l+r 4nd shit.
[08:55:43] GT: ones that dont actually care bout blood color
[08:55:58] GT: these other fuckers dont even joke
[08:56:03] GT: they lame as hell
[08:56:56] AV: Y+u 4re t++.
[08:57:03] AV: L4me th4t is.
[08:57:12] GT: they just dont understand how retarded this whole caste system is
[08:58:27] AV: Is it m+re ret4rded th4n y+u? 'C4use th4t's pretty h4rd t+ d+.
[08:58:44] GT: yes actually
[08:58:50] GT: i know its really impressive
[08:59:02] GT: how retarded our entire world is
[09:02:49] AV: Well, y+u g+t me there.
[09:02:58] AV: It's 4ll true.
[09:03:09] GT: yeah p[retty much
[09:03:18] AV: Nice.
[09:03:34] AV: Y+u gi<e me c4ncer.
[09:04:32] GT: your welcome
[09:06:26] AV: I'm g+nn4 thr+w up bl++d.
[09:06:32] GT: me too
[09:06:35] AV: 4nd it might be y+urs.
[09:06:39] GT: wanna kill ourselves?
[09:06:43] AV: Ye4h.
[09:06:49] AV: Suicide p4ct, y+.
[09:06:54] GT: suicide pacts arte pretty good bonding mechanisms
[09:07:10] AV: I 4gree wh+le he4rtedly.
[09:07:12] GT: #just moirail things
[09:07:20] AV: <>
[09:07:43] GT: <>
[09:07:43] AV: Such gre4t fucking m+ir4ils, th4t we kill e4ch+ther.
[09:07:56] GT: i feel like extra trash now
[09:07:58] GT: im ready
[09:08:02] GT: wheres my rope
[09:08:54] AV: When y+u l+se h+pe, l++k t+ the r+pe.
[09:09:17] GT: best moirails ever
[09:09:38] AV: Y+u're the tr4shiest m+ir4il in exist4nce.
[09:09:50] GT: you too buddy
[09:10:05] AV: See, we're such gre4t m+ir4ils.
[09:11:14] GT: top notch even
[09:13:41] AV: W+wie z+wie.
[09:15:09] GT: hey do you like to eat at
[09:15:13] GT: olive garden?
[09:17:23] AV: G+d d4mn it. G+ sh+<e S4n4ss' bulge d+wn y+ur thr+4t.
[09:20:42] GT: im trying believe me
[09:23:12] AV: Try h4rder.
[09:31:46] GT: im trying as hard as i can master
[09:31:54] GT: but they are being really gay
[09:32:36] AV: Ye4h, th4t's true.
[09:33:02] GT: now they are bothering you aswell
[09:33:12] AV: They sure 4re.
[09:33:58] GT: i have failed you my master
[09:34:08] GT: i have not obtained lime bulge yet
[09:34:28] AV: M4ybe m4ke 4n +ffering +f s+p+r slime pie.
[09:36:04] GT: sopor didnt work'
[09:36:15] GT: also you wrecked my butthole
[09:36:26] AV: H+w s+/
[09:36:29] AV: *?
[09:36:48] GT: they fucking memed at me
[09:36:58] GT: using your denial of morailship
[09:37:03] GT: im super wrecked
[09:37:15] GT: youve sabotaged the mission'best moirail
[09:38:22] AV: E4t 4s, cum f4ct+ry.
[09:38:39] GT: fair enough
[09:40:48] AV: Just tell them th4t y+u're 4 m4ssi<e f4gg+t with 4 m4ssi<e b+ner +r s+me shit.
[09:41:34] GT: ok i tried that
[09:43:01] AV: 4nd?
[09:43:56] GT: it worked miserabely
[09:45:51] AV: W+nderful. G++d j+b n++k st4in.
[09:52:26] GT: are you proud of me now?
[09:57:29] AV: N+, n+t re4lly.
[09:58:08] GT: thats good
[09:58:19] GT: suicide pact deepened
[09:59:23] AV: Just die 4nre4dy.
[10:00:29] GT: i would
[10:00:45] GT: but im kind of waiting for my moirail to kill themselves first
[10:01:25] -- gallionicTrickster [GT] changed their mood to OFFLINE --
[10:01:26] -- gallionicTrickster [GT] changed their mood to CHUMMY --
[10:01:26] -- gallionicTrickster [GT] changed their mood to DEVIOUS --
[10:16:19] -- aestheticVirtuoso [AV] gave up trolling gallionicTrickster [GT] at 22:16 --
2 notes · View notes
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Ronnie, Bronson, Charlie & Bea
Ronnie: I'm going on a run Ronnie: who wants? Bronson: My stash is depleted for some unknown reason 🤔 please stock me up Charlie: Ooh, new year new you babe? Charlie: couch to 5k is it aspirational af 😍 Bea: ✋ me Ronnie: fuck off i just dont need you pussies crying when you can't scav my gear Ronnie: what'll it be princess? the usual Charlie: c'mon, we've always shared everything, nothing is your own #carekidlife Bronson: Ha! That'll be why the lock on my door never sticks Bea: yep, not decided to get heavily into crack since we last spoke, just lots of amphetamines in any form you find 'em, tah, got exams coming up Ronnie: Shame Ronnie: reckon I'd like you more on the hard shit Charlie: just in case you missed the old place, man, giving you that nostalgia for when you had to padlock anything that wasn't bolted to the floor 😜 Bronson: Good times! 😀 Bea: Shame I'm not trying to be your type then, I guess Bea: soz darling, spoken for 💋 Charlie: Truly, missing that tenner a week pocket money, LUXURY! Ronnie: fucking am Ronnie: pissing jobcentre Bronson: I'll add it to your tab if you're desperate as Charlie: gotta learn to play their game, babe Charlie: not throw the board in a hissy Ronnie: 🖕 doss cunts Bea: catch me here fanning myself with sweet, sweet debt for future me to give a shit about Bronson: I'll wipe it out if you use some to keep me sweet Bea: sweet enough sugar 😘 Bea: but forreal, if you could manage that I would be your sugar mama for LIFE 🙏 Bronson: It's student loans not the feds Bronson: Easy peasy Bea: true, like all branches of the gov, pretty fucking useless Bea: but I'm an immigrant as far as they concerned so they treat me SO good 😋 Bronson: Same, but we can always stretch our hands out a little further Ronnie: To jack it and pat yourself on the back at the same time, yeah? Ronnie: calm it down Bronson: New year, new look too! Green looks ace with black 😄 Bea: Clearly do not have natural rhythm Ronnie, that's really not that difficult Bea: You're not a drummer, are you? 😕 Ronnie: get off my tits all of yous Ronnie: do you want gear or nah? Bronson: 🤐 Bea: I thought you'd already gone tbh Ronnie: not trying to score that weak gay shit Ronnie: hitting up a more reliable source like Charlie: rude, i'm RIGHT here Ronnie: are you even gay fitzy? always in my pussy lad Bronson: 😷 Bea: 🤢 Charlie: idk, ask ur man 💖 Ronnie: that'll be why me and Bron's dads did a bunk Bronson: Get yourself locked up at the same time just for the d, did you? Romantic Charlie: if the porn n the stereotypes n the rate of STIs are anything to go by...love is in the air always in cell block h Ronnie: princess'll have some handcuffs to get you on your way to that good loving Bea: 🚿🧠 anyone got any bleach? Bea: Charlie isn't worth the 💰 use cable ties, more authentic Bronson: 99 🚔 My fingers are on the button....Stop for the love of god Ronnie: Bron can help you out there Fitz Ronnie: 🤓 Bronson: Take that over a thicko label Charlie: Look, babe, know you wanna tie me down forever but do it yourself, don't involve the kid Charlie: 💍 diamond or no D, soz Ronnie: Bring a needle I'll snag a gem Bronson: Don't go there, C, I'm still riding the ear infection wave Bronson: It's been 84 years Ronnie: yeah cause you're a mong that can't turn an earring Bronson: In my defense I was a legit child Bea: nothing screams low-class like stabbing your friends for the bants Charlie: and i already scream homo loudly enough, don't need another reason to be hate crime-d, a thank you Bronson: If I didn't know you I'd guess bisexual Bronson: You can have that for free Charlie: what a smooth-talker! thanks babe 💖 Charlie: and if i didn't know you, i'd guess you were trying to see my dongle Bronson: Been there, repressed the trauma o that Ronnie: get a fucking room benders Charlie: why you being so homophobic when we all know how bad you want on princess? cliche stuck in the closet much Bea: shut up Ronnie: in your wet dreams Charles Ronnie: fuck off Charlie: oh the delicious tension Charlie: too much for either to bear Ronnie: I know where she's been Ronnie: fuck that Ronnie: like you wish you could gayboy Bronson: Wait, you fancy Fraze, Charlie? Ha Bea: Bron can you not encourage either of them Bea: thanks Bronson: Sorry my mind's just blown I thought he was out of his straight boy phase Charlie: What? Its a compliment for you, he's adorable, why else would you be with him? Ronnie: they're both annoying cunts Ronnie: match made Charlie: and never out of that phase, bro 😍 #daddyissues Bea: get his name out of your mouth bitch Ronnie: oi get your mouth off his dick Fitzgerald you heard her Ronnie: princess is raging like Ronnie: when your mans a slag and youre a prude Bea: As if Bea: Only one McKenna fucked up to go near you Bea: #singletear Charlie: Children, enough Ronnie: Bron do that final 9 she's going off 😂 Bronson: Walking away Bea: know you're hard up but as per we're all funding you getting your rocks off so run along and do it, no need to bore me trying to get your kicks Ronnie: know youre a snobby cunt but I don't work for you Bea: you don't work for anyone, not even JC gonna fund your lack of a life Ronnie: 🖕 mad cause I don't need reddies to fund myself Bea: yeah fuming Bea: if only I'd have thought of selling my body, wouldn't even NEED to be at cambs rn omg Ronnie: nailed it Bea: 😂 Bea: whodathunkit Bea: talking to the cure for cancer stuck inside a waster here Bea: and I'm the snob, okay Ronnie: fucking hell Ronnie: devvo like Bea: We can tell Bea: you don't need to shout about it, you've got the energy of a walking wasteland Ronnie: can't wait until you take some more speed and get more smug Bea: Right? Bea: Must sting, better only getting better Bea: why don't you get something to numb the pain- Ronnie: let you know how it feels when the lads come up Bronson: A rare compliment, you hitting it already? Ronnie: you'll have your share calm the fuck down Charlie: i don't want any, i'm busy Charlie: glad you all noted my silence, feel so listened to usually! hmpf Ronnie: so now you're a little bitch too Ronnie: fuck's sake Bronson: PARTY TIME, am I right? Really in the mood now thanks everyone Charlie: who's in who's pussy, dollface? Charlie: keep your shirt on, Bro 😂 got enough with the two angry feminists here Charlie: I've got previous plans, if you're really so hurt, you can save me some, no? Whaddya mean that'd hurt more? 😏 Bea: you're alright, I personally rather you weren't there, suits me 😘 Bronson: Shirts already off, too late 😜 Bea: Standard 👌 Charlie: you big man whore Charlie: when i'm not around to be predatory, too, tuttut Bronson: I'd wilt under your stare, you know you aren't missing out Charlie: our beautiful wallflower Charlie: I bagsy being a red rose, lil trashy but iconic Bronson: Thorn in our sides Bronson: accepted Bea: Nice one, babe Bea: i'll be an orchid, because i'm beautiful, ornamental and high-maintenance Bea: getting in there before any of you fucks can Charlie: though your silence IS noted, wonwon Charlie: don't be cross at me 😘 Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: you're not the only one who's busy Ronnie: got a dick in my mouth too like Charlie: such a skilled multitasker Charlie: teach me your ways Bronson: in private please Bronson: not a lesson I want to learn Bea: we're not living in that teen movie Ronnie: On my way Bea: 👍 getting cash out, meet you there Bronson: Doors on the latch
Bea: Morning sweetness 😴 Bea: manage to recover your good vibe/night? Bronson: is it? 😪 Bronson: Until now it wasn't too bad Bronson: Do you get to say the same or is it pure suffering? Bea: Wow, when you hit bae up with that morning text and he's like day=ruined 😰 thought we was forever 😉 Bea: Decided to get off with someone around the same time I lost track of yous, so it was fucking awful, don't tell me you coulda told me that Bronson: It's only the comedown I wanna dump you're welcome to come and nap 💗 Bronson: Not to be that know it all Bea: Molly's such a cruel, cruel mistress, she wants you to miss her when she's gone 💁 Bea: Poor bubba, better than waking up next to that pushy bitch from last night though, Jesus, what was her damage? Bea: I reckon he'd actually gone out and had his drunken kebab and THEN PAID TO GET BACK IN Bea: No sir, not alright Bea: Why do I bother? Bronson: But I'm shamelessly smitten, only girl for besides present company like Bronson: Whatever it is she's not the first or last sufferer Bronson: Thanks for the bail out and sorry I wasn't there to do the same with kebab Kev Bea: N'awwh 💞 glad I hold more appeal than Tina, don't need to be going down that route Bea: It's an epidemic! Basic bitches who can't get a man willing, yeah take that out on innocent onlookers who ain't buying and talk about how your ex ain't shit for being a creepy letch Bea: We see you sweets 💅 Bea: Any time, even if you weren't there to take that donner breath bullet Bea: I'd never ask that of anyone, even Ronnie, though she'd brag about not being arsed, I'm sure 😂 Bronson: Next time I'll carry gum and throw it at whoever you deem worthy Bronson: Give me the nod Bronson: It was all over her socials like we had a good night together until I got there first Bronson: Rather take out Tina and all her mates Bea: as if you don't already Bea: if only little miss would-be-rapist knew that strong jawline was from gurning up a storm 😉 Bea: not so sexy now Bronson: there's nothing in my pockets I'm just pleased to see you Bronson: Seriously though, some of those selfies had to go for that unflattering reason alone taking into account none of her other antics Bronson: I looked a state Bea: 😂 not fallen for that one before but i'll make an exception for you boo Bea: catch me in my duvet cocoon, please don't look at me 'cos same Bea: I dread to think Bea: kept off my accounts for that reason and many more, some of us have reputations to uphold, skank Bronson: want me to check Bronson: clean up the carnage Bronson: Then brunch, your treat Bea: please Bea: roleplay my IT bitch and I'll be feeling my boss best in time for a liquid lunch Bea: will have to damage control my face first, enjoy watching me lovingly whilst I turn a -2 to an 11 Bronson: Never get bored of staring at you, you know that Bronson: Make my hair great again Bronson: Thanks Bea: when you shoulda been Trump's campaign manager 😕 Bea: sort the weave, clean up that twitter Bea: what a wonderful world it coulda been Bronson: Last night proves I can't stop him pussy grabbing Bronson: Need you for that one Bea: This pussy bites back 😼 Bea: its not your fault, girls like that, if you tell her to fuck off, and rightly so, it'd be made like YOU were being a prick to her Bea: gotta bullshit these hoes sometimes, tis the only way Bronson: Or playing hard to get...they fire that one at me loads Bronson: 😦 Bea: 🤢 gross Bea: got that one myself a fair few times, when I'm not being accused of being a prude by Ronaldo, hilariously Bea: People are the worst Bea: 'cept us Bronson: It's only because she likes you Bronson: Flattering, isn't it? Bronson: Being called broken is my fave Bronson: "Who hurt you?" You are right now, fuck off before you get a slap yourself to feel the pain of Bea: Wouldn't that just be the perfect solution in their simplistic little world? If only Bea: Save myself the feelings of disgust not brought on by kebab breath Bea: Though, if you think that that's love coming from Ron, then you do have an answer to their riddle right there, not real but the masses'll take one look at her and buy it 😜 Bronson: No arguments here Bronson: Your socials are sparkling now so that's real comfort to take Bea: 💖 yay Bea: the world never need know Bea: as long as I didn't drunk dial or text Fraze, this day is looking up, tah babes Bronson: Not to be a know it all again so quick Bronson: but I'm going to go ahead and guess the answer to that one Bea: BITCH DON'T KILL MY VIBE Bea: I'm sure I'd have angry ranting in my inbox if I had Bea: or a passive indirect on the socials, come across one perchance smartiepants? Bronson: Might've Bronson: I'll spare you Bea: Noooooooooooooooooooo Bea: Coulda had it all Bea: Really sours my Bloody Mary Bea: Fuck sake, now he's going to think I FUCKED kebab kev and enjoyed it meanwhile I sit here virginal and scrubbing my mouth out with soap Bea: How's this game fair again, please remind me Bronson: It isn't Bronson: But I can't tell you to stop playing Bronson: All yours Bea: you're meant to be a superwhizkid Bea: can't you think up a strategy so I win Bronson: Thinking cap is on Bronson: Because my hair still looks shit as much as Bea: I'll fix your barnet Bea: Between you and Charlie, honestly Bea: Never known boys like it 😂 Bea: blatant lie, have you seen how particular Fraze is but he doesn't really have much hair to be stylin' so Bronson: 👴 awkward Bea: you fool Bea: not like that 😂 Bea: though I'll keep it in my backpocket for when we inevitably row later Bea: #malepatternbaldnessBITCH Bronson: Freebie to kick your day off right again Bea: if you refuse to tell me what to do, could you use your skillz for good at least and fucking disable my phone when i'm fucked Bronson: Last time I tried you tried to fight me like Bea: Look, I didn't say it was a task for the fainthearted 😉 Bea: and yes, you would be the first to succeed too Bea: but if anyone can, its my man 😘 Bronson: Ego boost before eggs Bronson: Whoa Bronson: Today is looking up Bea: Gotta keep you sweet with all the bitching I'll no doubt do at brunch Bea: such a Carrie move, like no one cares bitch, write it in your column or books or...what did she even write? Or was she just monologuing at her computer, like all been there babe but don't act like its buying you all that designer Bronson: Her real true love was that laptop Bronson: Solved it Bea: 😲 Bea: but Mr. Big Bea: clue in the name Bronson: Could be his wallet Bronson: explain the designer gear Bea: Exactly Bea: Just my type Bronson: I'd go in for it if I can spend and send him the receipts Bea: you must be aware there are websites for that Bea: get on it boy Bronson: It all gets too sexual for my tastes Bea: set out boundaries Bea: different strokes for different folks Bea: i'm SURE there's a millionaire out there that just wants to chat Bronson: 🤔 There's enough fighting off advances in the club Bronson: Shelving that until millionaires become good people Bea: not bad people by default Bea: just a bad system they profit from more than you Bronson: Getting deep in here Bronson: Truth though Bea: real talk take #2 Bea: where do you think charlie was last night? and who or what was he doing? Bronson: Good questions that I have no answer to Bronson: If he had a job we'd all know Bea: I need to know, suspense is killing me Bea: I didn't think anything beat drugs in his book Bea: somewhat encouraging? Bronson: You could ask but I doubt you'd get far enough into the real Bronson: It is Bronson: Boy's growing up? Bea: Full of the #bants them two Bronson: Since day 1 Bronson: I'm coming to get you, Barbara Bronson: Ready yourself Bea: *falls over gravestones like a dumb bitch* Bea: i'm good to go and looking fly Bronson: I'll do the coded knock Bronson: Made up rn Bea: Helpful Bronson: That's my thing Bronson: Soon, my love, soon
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