#like all ive got is 'something everything is wrong' 'full of love' 'i think im good rn' 'pain. suffering even' & 'intense fixation'

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ever sit like a corpse in your own body? #im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we #deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to #give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway. #who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in #the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when #projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing #dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will #ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do #something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r #stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even #then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a #broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what? #lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything #done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i #think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with #thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno #whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is #hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse #but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday #unrelated

[necroromantics]

Regarding being "cancelled"

Im not gonna address this further unless anyone needs clarification or something cuz its just drama with random ass kids who I'm not interested in interacting with

Some people dug up a fuck ton of old screenshots of shit I said in my server a year ago. Not gonna deny saying any of that, cuz I did say it, and I've said worse, and if you've talked to me at all I am always very open about this stuff.

In the screenshots I made jokes about disabled people and said I don't care if someone is a Nazi, because at the time my server had like no rules, everything was free reign (which is now changed). This is because I did not care if someone was disabled or a Nazi. It kinda comes hand in hand with ASPD, not caring unless it directly effects you. This does not mean I condone or support the things I joked about*

If you don't know what ASPD is, it's antisocial personality disorder, its characterized by "disregard for peoples rights and feelings". The reason I was even diagnosed in the first place was because I fit the criteria of crossing moral boundaries, disregarding peoples feelings, and not fitting into social norms. I was VERY bad with that in the past, especially a year ago when I was 18 years old, very deep in drug addiction, and didn't have the support system I have now.

If you want to judge me based on my past mistakes and actions, I can't control you. I don't expect anyone to like me, but I do care to get my side out too. I post here because I have fun, not because I care what people think. And if you judge me from shit I said as a drug addicted horribly mentally ill 18 yr old, then that isn't my problem.

Love the label, hate the symptoms yeah?

I don't like apologizing for things I'm not actually sorry for so this isn't an apology. I know I've said a lot of jarring and rude and fucked up things in the past, but if you know me at all then you know it never came from a place of hatred. To me, as someone with ASPD, its about proving that things like societal rules and norms aren't going to be another thing that controls you, so you just ignore them completely. This is what makes it a disorder. Cuz it's irrational and dysfunctional and causes problems like this

Also they vaguely mentioned me abusing someone who's borderline which is ??? because all the relationships with borderlines Ive been in had been very unhealthy on both sides. My mom has BPD so I know how to help those with BPD and Ive always tried my best to cater to BPDers symptoms and issues, even in the relationships where their condition got too much for me.

But yeah, I made mistakes in the past, and I'm not that person anymore, or at least I try hard not to be. I've been sober for almost a year, I have amazing friends and a good support system, I'm on medication for my bipolar disorder. Judge me from the past, but anyone who talks to me now knows that I work very hard to get over those mindsets and habits. To me, thats all that matters.

Edit: Not blaming my disorder, its just easier to explain. I'm taking full blame for what I said in the past, and I acknowledge that it was morally wrong. I said what I said. These people have been absolutely hellbent on being on my ass for months now when all I want to do is just chill out, get better, and live life. Theyre gonna keep complaining about everything I do, and I don't care to make any more edits, just wanted to clarify that Im not making excuses. Also I don't support Nazi's, I just made jokes about it. Anyone who knows me knows Im very against that shit

(I dont mean to sound callous or whatever, I just woke up to this and wanted to quickly clear shit up before it all blows out of proportion)

#tombtalk

[lucky-draws]

bosselot ranting and raving which genuinely makes no sense and isn't worth reading ↓

something something big boss becoming a lone, paranoid figure who trusts no one because of his series of betrayals i.e. the boss' "defection", les enfants terribles, the boss' (perceived) abandonment of him in her desire for peace, kaz's involvement with cipher etc. something something when you trust no one but yourself maybe you Would have quite a fascination with someone who is your phantom/copy/double/clone/you. unlike les enfants terribles venom is the kind of "clone" that bb can forge a twisted affection for, due to his absolute loyalty and due to his being, well, him. am i about to start "shipping bbvenom" well not really i'm just pondering big boss and also, as usual, pondering my favourite phenomenon of People Who Are Identical But Not Quite. im big boss and so are you. im maria s/ilent hill and so are you. im solid and im liquid we're the stupid brothers. etc

also. sigh. basically im attempting to write a fic (who knows if it will ever see the light of day) where ocelot gives himself big boss' scar. just for fun/because he's insane. 1964: i wanted to eat the same food as him -> 1973ish: i wanted to permanently mark myself with the same scar he gave himself which also happens to be my mother's scar from birthing me etc. #justocelotthings. and big boss goes through 10000 shrimp colour stages of anger/grief/fascination/horny/acceptance in reaction to it.

and i was thinking about post pw incident where bb is beginning his shift into a much darker, closed off figure and he's full of bitterness in the wake of all his chucking-her-bandana-into-the-ocean The Boss Feelings and also his divorce with kaz. and how maybe his feelings towards ocelot (which are as insane as they've ever been due to the recent development of The Scar) are also shifting a little. up until now he's accepted ocelots promises of devotion and loyalty and he's reciprocated ocelot's affection because he does genuinely Like Him Despite Everything and they have had their weird little Thing going on for many years. but now it's like. concepts such as loyalty to the end and unconditional devotion are beginning to lose their credibility; bb questions whether even ocelot might not be his ally forever. and does BB even Want ocelot's loyalty? he's a useful person but BB never ASKED for ocelots loyalty. loyalty, devotion, subservience - these are hollow promises. he likes ocelot when he's a real human and not a soldier. he likes ocelot as his equal. one might even go as far as to say - he likes ocelot best as an extension of himself. he likes ocelot as his mirror. "you're not a snake and im not an ocelot?" wrong. we're both snakes. as you said yourself, ocelot, in a nice little scene in approximately chapter 2 (doesn't exist), now that you've given yourself that scar, "we match". we're nothing but a pair of snakes. we're red string of fate tied to each other more than ever. we're the sons of the boss; we're twin snakes. we're metal gear solid: the twin snakes 2004 developed by konami and silicon knights for the nintendo gamecube. but we're not just two snakes, we're an ourobouros. i don't just want you to pledge your loyalty to "big boss", i want you to be big boss. i want to you to live my dream, not just be an ally to it.

in actual fact maybe he is just in love with ocelot (squee!) but this is big boss we're talking about so. he is literally a weapon he is war itself he's the war machine he's a soulless dead fish of a man. and either destroying or assimilating everything in his path forever is kind of his whole theme. and ocelot as a literal child of the battlefield will never escape it either. so they both just blow up and go to hell forever.

OR DO THEY. maybe bb is actually like wow everyone is betraying me the boss has abandoned me and ive abandoned her except never entirely even if i did throw her bandana into the sea in a moment of rage ive still got this scar on my chest. and so does ocelot because he's insane about me hm to be honest maybe i should just Give Up War and we can both retire and live on a ranch together forever the end.maybe that's actually what happens. life could be dream.

also please god let me find a job soon ive been unemployed for 7 months this is what happens when i don't have a job it gives me the time to think about bosselot until my brain melts and oozes and i start writing very long incomprehensible posts on my art blog at 3pm which does nobody any good. sigh

#ok im going to go do my real life tasks now. phew

[lazulian-devil]

Thoughts on Book 9, halfway point

Okay so im in Book 9, right? End of Phase 1 of Skulduggery Pleasant.

And I remember, back when I read it as it came out, that I hated how it ended, how everything was so fixed on Darquesse, that I was relieved that she was finally gone from the story (lol) and that I went into Phase 2 weirdly exhausted. Book 9 actually made me abandon SP until something like Book 12 was out?

Now, according to my Kindle, Ive read 94% of Phase 1. Im somewhere around Chapter 56 of Book 9, so Im about halfway through.

And I have to say.

Its such a full book? So much happens? And its so all over the place? Okay we are here now, and now we are here. Brides of the Blood Tears, other dimension, back again, Darquesse, Mirror Image revival, future perspective telling us its all gonna be okay, and and and.

I think Im overwhelmed by this book. Last Stand of Dead Men was utterly enjoyable. But it felt like the book had purpose. Book 9 on the other hand feels like its desperately trying to write itself out of the godhood of problems it created. It wants to do justice to everything Darquesse was built up to be and yet still defeat her.

The problem is that the strategies are simply not very clever and knowing in which direction its going also makes so much of it appear cheap because it wasnt really relevant later?

Darquesse is both built up to be non human and yet appeals to humanity. And I suppose theres a point made there but its... shes just not fun? I think she never was as a villain. Her whole speech about how changing energies is not killing someone and then through like five minutes of group time she remembers "oh fuck, yeah nope that was wrong". Its so weird. Its so jarring. The character feels inconsistent in their own darn book.

Its not that its badly written. Tanith returning is great. Billy Ray is such an utterly human figure in this one and I genuinely feel bad for him (as he evidently truly loved Tanith as a Remnant). Skulduggerys treatment of the "other" Nefarian Serpine shows so much character growth. China is more and more actually an involved character. And a few others I cant remember.

I just.

I dont know. Its a weird feeling because many of the books I have read over the last dozen weeks were also in my head as "not actually that good storywise but well written" and some of that has turned out wrong! I always enjoyed reading them but some stories are much better than I remember.

But I think I arrived at this point in which the story is too large for the books. I care about the characters. About the world. But I dont know if I care about the stakes anymore. I dont know if Darquesse matters to me anymore. What does she even say about humanity? What does she reflect? That we can grow? That we are inherently evil? These are all things better illustrated by other characters.

Is it supposed to be a play on the Phase 2 reveal of Valkyrie being actually a Faceless One? Is Darquesse a shard of said ungodly evil? If so, wouldnt we have benefitted from said reveal in the Phase of its relevancy? Why is it so late?

I think SP sometimes suffers from the Star Wars "Skywalker" symptom of everything being connected at all times.

I dont know. This is weird. I still have 6% and around 50 chapters to go but Im unsure now. I stand before the mirror of literary interest and wonder if there is anything substantial to be seen.

And I know I'll enjoy the book. Its well written. I love Landy.

But having read them all in a row in such close succesion makes me realise how somewhat badly planned they are and how many massive plotholes there often exist.

Maybe the story got too big. I dont if i'll be exhausted. But Im a little worried.

#skulduggery pleasant #darquesse #thoughts on books

[lvxybby]

It kills me to love you (kai anderson x reader) Angst. (it'll get better <3) PART 2

i sat there on the bench. i became full of stress once i hung up on kai. i did way to much and i know ill get punished for it. will he beat me? scream and yell at me? lock me in a closet? i dont know. i really cant deal with him anymore. i want the things he promised me. he promised to keep me safe, educate me, stay LOYAL to me if im loyal to him, WHICH IS ALL I HAVE BEEN! he has promised me so much! and EVERY SINGLE ONE IS BROKEN! i cant take it! i wont! im tired of him calling me weak and a slut for crying over something or dressing a certain way. i have been taking all his bullshit for so long, and he doesnt expect me to feel bad? sometimes i really miss the old kai. the sweet quiet fun kai. the one who would braid my hair and kiss my cheek when im sad. i miss him coming over and talking to me about his parents. he wont tell me anything because hes so eaten up with paranoia. and vince? he doesnt help one bit. his brother is a mess and all he does is supply kai with adderall! i sat there on that bench or hours just thinking. it grew darker and darker and soon it was 10:30. i held my things close to my body. i didnt want to go back. i couldnt go back. soon i saw the familiar grey toyota pull up onto the side of the curb. kai along with meadow got out. dear lord help me. her "very real blonde" hair was over her shoulders and down her back. i sat patiently and waited. kai walked over to me and slapped me so hard i thought i would pass out. "what the fuck!" he shouted. i stayed quiet. "seriously what the fuck" meadow said "oh shut your fucking mouth you cunt!" i snapped back at her "you have no reason to be in this? why the hell are you even here?!" i continued. kai hit me once more. "you have no right to talk to her like that after what you've done" he growled. "kai i dont want to be around you! thats why i left! all you care about anymore is yourself and meadow! YOU always call me weak and a slut and a attention seeker! ALL those names and you dont expect me to get upset! I DONT WANT TO BE AROUND YOU!" i cried out "what happened to the loyalty? you promised loyalty to go both ways and ive been by your side, helping you dispose of YOUR doings! i do my task no matter how i feel! i always do what you want me to and you dont do anything else for me!" i yelled at him. he snatched my arm and dragged me to his car. i fought back, digging my nails into his skin. i clawed and dug them into his arm but it didnt stop him. meadow followed us. he opened the door and threw me into the back. i hit my head hard on the other side. i quivered as kai got into the front seat, meadow following. he put on his seatbelt and began to drive back to his house. was this it? is this all he would do? no. theres no way. i quietly let tears flow down my face. i rubbed the spot where i hit my head. it felt warm. i moved my hand to find blood smeared onto it. i covered my mouth as i cried a bit more. he stopped right in front of his house and got out. he came over by me and opened the door and began to drag me out by my hair. the asphalt scratched and cut my calves, leaving my legs bleeding. i tried to force his hand away from my hair but he never let go. he pulled me inside and slammed his door "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU" he screamed. "YOU DONT TALK ABOUT THAT ANYWHERE ELSE BUT HERE" he continued. i cried more. he dragged me down to the basement and threw me down onto the hard cold floor. my head was bleeding so much by now. i cried out in pain from the sudden force. i was in so much pain. everything hurt, so badly. "kai please" i cried. i couldnt even stand up i hurt so bad. "no im not done with you" he whispered close to me. "kai all i did was leave the house for a few hours cause i was upset! i never wanted this to happen! i left cause i couldnt take it anymore! i have done so much for you for 2 years! 2! but meadow kills a guy and it so perfect! Ive done so much shit for you! to make YOU happy to make YOU comfortable I HAVE DONE SO MUCH BUT YOU DONT CARE! SO WHY DO YOU WANT ME AROUND!?" I yelled back at him. he sat there quiet for a minute.

#kai anderson #kai anderson x reader #american horror story kai anderson #american horror story

[kirbyofthestars]

ok um look at the images at the bottom first because this is an ask and i cant put them first HELP. just screenshotted the wiki since i dont feel like getting them from the game itself even if i have the costume . head in hands okay

so . for context langue de chat is a Very ambitious overachieving lawyer who takes great pride in themself but also crumbles easily under any sort of pressure or stress. This costume makes me want to gnaw on something because GOD DAMN does this tell us a lot like THEYRE A FUCKING WORKAHOLIC. BY DEFINITION. They cannot fathom NOT working for three seconds while theyre on vacation. they usually speak in a very professional and confident manner but they use so many elipsies(or however you spell it the three dots) here Girl their ass does NOT know how to relax!!! "Ah! I got sugar water on the files!" THEIR ASS IS NOT RELAXING STOP WORKING LITTLE SHIT YOURE ON VACATION!!!!!

also in the last image i included thats their costume banner, you can see them playing in the water with their parents which is actually adorable but i think its safe to assume their parents planned this vacation for them and they literally just. Dont know what to do with themself. So used to working 24/7 whether it was in school or lawyering and they dont know what to dooo GAUGDJJ girl youre so fucked up

(also the left side of the photo is cappuccinos banner which is another piece of one full photo which i think is ADORABLE i fucking love that detail)

and then you can see by their lines they actually start to adjust to everything and they learn to relax and have fun and end up Really really liking it and i absolutely love that for them yes girl have fun!!! its not really mentioned or implied in the costume itself but i like to think that theyre carrying around the sodas to feel useful. Like they hate not feeling productive and their parents never asked them to but theyre carrying it around awkwardly because they want to feel like theyre doing something good

this isnt from their costume its from a cutscene from the update a few months ago but theres a scene from this one camping update where they say they remember camping with their family as a kid and that they studied in the tent the whole time GIRL!!!! they were STUDYING while camping and they say it all proudly like they see nothing wrong with it like its a completely normal and reasonable thing to do Their ass is NOT relaxing!!!

ok sorry this ended up longer than expected um. if you dont want to read/respond to this thats fine HVSJF /gen i just really love this stupid goober. Kills them affectionately

sorry for the late reply ive been super busy with school but THIS IS ADORABLE OH MY GOODNESS???? thank u for educating me abt blorbo i feel wiser now. they look so so happy playing in the water im glad she gets a nice vacation :]

#letterbox #no-california-all-adventure #crob #i should start playing again >:3

[neoncityrain]

Gu GG fxtcfxfx unhinged Leafeon Zephyr got me going 👀

Could you tell me a bit more about them???

i was gonna answer this earlier but stuff™️ happened 😔 didnt finish the doodles i was makin for it and ended up playing stardew, but i LIVED. have this instead

sO. first lemme re-explain the core of zephyrs personality, since this didnt translate well into pmdtog: theyre extremely passionate about something labelled as evil. in sky, the game i originally designed them and polaris around, this was simply referred to as "the darkness", which drove creatures to aggression and drained life from things that touched it. to zee, it was the one thing that they found not only interesting, but COMFORTING. whereas other people were easily overwhelming, the corrupting force was quiet, incredibly interesting, and sure others thought it was bad but others acted as if zephyr was bad, too.

so zephyr let the corruption in willingly and began to care for it.

this in and of itself isnt a bad thing! this would be zephyr as you know them, and still is- yannow- canon to everything. if anything im just rethinking the parts where i relied way too heavily on pokemon lore and not enough on my own lore. (also i think their eevee design could use a tweak or two lol their gloves have been weird legwarmers for too long)

for the next part, though, i have to also explain: with each passing year, ive been entertaining the idea of polaris as being older. in part because its interesting to see him grow and change, but also because its fun to have a character who grows up. he was designed as a twelve year old who sees life as hopeless. he will have existed for three years as of next month, and now im thinking about how he, after so so SO many stories and tales where he struggled to simply live and be alive, grows up to care for three children with a man who truly loves him. that means a lot to me, and feels natural- hes been shaped by irl years of storytelling.

...so why not do the same for zephyr?

but then, whos to say theyd get better?

see, part of pols thing is that he was negative, but learned to ease up and gain confidence in himself and the world through the help of others. but zephyr, ooooh zee has always been positive to the point of denial. and while polaris has had interactions with other characters to shape who he is...

zephyr has had two that were positive. polaris, a skittish sassy asshole who literally dies, and manta, who couldnt interact with zee directly but attempted to push them away to keep them from hurting themself.

so then, what would someone like that turn to over the years?

zephyr ends up becoming more and more the caretaker for some blooming, festering evil, and they deny more and more and more and more that doing so could EVER be wrong. they start denying that the corruption is even doing wrong in the first place. its just defending itself, maybe if you were nicer it wouldnt hurt you.

and i mean, whats wrong with helping the only thing thats been consistently with you through and through? sure it hurts, but everyone else is so mean. it must be lonely to be so hated, but zephyr is full of love and zephyr will protect it with all the love in their heart.

...even if this love ends up poisonous, they will adapt, now wont they <:]c

#uwu baby #trojarts #chattering #tanz made them an iterator design thats puppetted by rot im just scared around that stuff still ssobs #zee now has less uwu baby vibes and more tragic mad scientist vibes and i like it a LOT more #actually the thing was rlly funny especially when they were next to polaris who could cry if you point at him ? #anyways. polaris gets better and zephyr gets worse❤️ #fun fact zephyrs three years old now #they were my 2020 birthday gift to myself nyehe #oc: zephyr barycenter

[sollucets]

ok so. so i made it out of midnight museum e3 alive but im gonna have to do something normal and calming for a while now because oh fuck me too many moths even like skipping scenes and cringing away from the screen. im unwell. many disorganized thoughts go here

so i Was right about dome frankly. i mean the hints were there (jib dialogue last episode + the long time no rent thing from e1) but for me it was that hes too stupid to be a full person (sorry baby i love u). like saying ‘is this normal’ about resurrection and lit. just going with whatever happens to him and running headlong into stupid situations. he literally Only just woke up. he has no brain head empty hes just doing the One thing hes been told hes good at and useful for. oh no baby :( they really keep putting him through it every episode LMAO.

got a Lot more worried khatha this episode plus a bunch more face touching. and sitting by his bedside. tor is So good with those shiny eyes of pain like … i dont know how he does that but its incredible. his face. his little tsundere look away / posture adjustment when dome woke up like you didnt literally die for this man recently. they are getting gayer each episode. again ive established i dont care about “bl status” it doesnt matter to me if they kiss but boy its just so…. they HAVE to know what theyre doing with this

i really like this show i Would Not have put myself through this for less agh. i still almost quit multiple times

that opening flashback scene with triphob’s grandfather was really good. by the way. i love immortals i love immortality. i love the moon (showing up just barely in blurry flashbacks)

bright did fucking Great this episode. im not too familiar with him, mostly from f4 thailand bits but he was so fucking creepy!!!!! tragic little murdery sadboy. what a mess. the whole house invasion scene was Sooooooooo. augh. freaky. everything he did was fucked up

i have some…. thoughts…. about the girl in this episode, rin, and her agency / lack thereof honestly. combined with the bride’s “men writing her story” thing….. its. hmmm. but i’m not sure i’m equipped to express that properly without rewatching and frankly i dont know if im capable of rewatching this episode

if i turn my lizard brain off also the vampire moths are a great horror concept and they were very aesthetically cool to someone who does not have. a lifelong fear of those fucking things

also yeah ‘cycle of death and rebirth’ confirms the reincarnation thing but i’m thinking that not only did khatha enounter past life dome / “that person” / “chan” but also like. present life pre-memories dome? and that’s why he was surprised when dome didnt remember him. it wouldnt make sense for him to be surprised a reincarnation didnt remember him. they definitely met pre-wipe

v fun to learn that june is immortal too??? but like. frankly im still so confused about her lmao. she was an immortal museum worker before this?? but she became the bride?? but they all forgot her past but she remembers being immortal and the artifacts? but she has bride magic now??? dont get me wrong i like her a lot shes great for wisdom and being the only one nice to dome but hoo boy

ok. theres all the bits in no particular order

so. yeah!!!! yeah i was so proud of myself for being mostly chill with the first two episodes of murder and body horror but uh i was NOT good with this. gods fuck why moths

#long post #mm #mm spoilers #fuck it ill put it in the tag. i want someone to talk to about this #midnight museum

[meat-pvppet]

ok so im gonna infodump under the cut cuz im insane

warning! this all probably makes no sense and is really really messy

so remember this guy?

ive been reworking him actually ever since last year but i just never found a concept design i liked fully

yeah hes the one im gonna be reworking (and who im probably renaming to Lucius Donovan)

and tbh i still dont have one but whatever im gonna blast you all with his lore or what i got so far atleast (if youve been here long enough he might be a wittle familiar)

anyway he's the founder and sole human worker for a tech company focused on manufacturing robots and prosthetics

he was a prodigy whos been building rudimentary robots ever since he was a teenager, his eldest bot and personal assistant having been around since he was 17

when he started his business, he sought to help humanity using his bots, believing that humans were frail and robotic companions helping them would lessen the burden and help humanities chances of not imploding hopefully

once he started making a name for himself, he got into a huge accident (either caused by his own recklessness or a secondary character that ill need to polish up still) that took his legs, arm and a chunk of his face (mostly around the eyes and frontal lobe and a bit of his mouth)

still figuring out the full extent of the damage but just know his torso didn't go unscathed cuz obviously

most of the damage was obviously from the accident itself but also from getting crushed by rubble

its a miracle he even survived, but he was basically half dead so his bots were the ones to revive him using the tech he had already developed

the accident made him more reclusive and paranoid (not that anyone other than his walls know that cuz we love a guy whos really reclusive and paranoid and hides it all behind a mask of confidence), now adding more security measures to every bot he manufactured, even making it so every bot he had sent him the logs of their every action and everything they saw in case they couldnt identify smth properly

also following the accident he became less empathetic than he already was, making it difficult for him to understand more emotional reasonings behind things

also also following the accident, he began using robotic copies of himself to make public appearances whenever he really needs to cuz he thinks with how he is now he's no longer presentable in a way

and also cuz his paranoia and anxiety is so high he genuinely believes something horrible will happen to him or others as soon as he steps out of his factory that basically doubles as his home at this point due to him doing nothing but work all day

there are a few of these clones just

fucking around in his factory though, specifically in the underground facilities, that work as security

And also a way to bait people who do end up reaching the underground facilities looking to kill him or smth

also due to the nature of his prosthetics (and years of trial and error after the accident to improve them) hes kinda got a pseudo immortality thing going on where all this tech is basically gonna keep his body from failing

anyway he can keep adding more and more tech if something goes wrong

but then that makes him think about how disconnected he is from being human at this point

hes more metal than flesh and that makes him anxious

at what point is he just another one of his bots?

#im gonna write more about him eventually in a more #clean manner #but this is what you get for now #still need to work on the world hes in too cuz ive been debating if these bitches would be fighting some forces beyond their comprehension #cuz i kinda wanna mash a really old story i had when i was younger into all this as well #might make this all really messy though if this wasnt messy enough ough #lucias #i need him to be hunted for sport #i need more opinions on him tbh im not sure how to go about him anymore cuz this is all like...before ive made any major changes to him #story wise...i also feel like none of this makes sense and i should kill him dead this very moment #.txt #oc

[princessangelcake]

dear diary,

i just lied to a doctor at maudsley hospital.

am i crazy?

i told her i binge 3 times a week. she then asked me how many times every 3 months, i said 4. She then said "but you just said you binge 3 a week, so 3 x 4 (weeks) that would be 12 times a month.

i said oh sorry i thought you said… la da la da da.

i tend to do this a lot in therapy. lie. exaggerate. i think i do this because i dont want to be rejected. i dont want to be invalidated again. i crave that doctors approval of "there is something wrong with you and you need to be taken care of" i want to be in the hsopital rotting. im not sure why.

one of my favourite lies has to be "i burn myself with cigarettes" while the cigarette part is true. the burning not so much.

i cant stand fire / heat on my skin. ive cut myself. ive pinched myself, ive banged my head against walls. ive done as much as i can to make myself look like im insane, maybe i am. but all the self harm is deserved. i deserve to feel that pain, deserve to feel stupid. the anatomy of my brain has changed. i no longer feel like myself. i am she. "she was happy" i said when the doctor asked me how my perrsonality was like when i was small.

im sure she knew i was lying. i was not a happy child. i was not. i have internalised everything. i look happy on the outside, which is the facade i want to put up until the 27th of august. when im supposedly meant to be ending my life. i made that up on the spot when i told her. not sure why. but i should be admitted by then. by then i should be able to taste that disgusting hospital food. at least ill be taken care of and loved. liked rather. i like the hospital smell.

the truth is, nobody in this world will ever understand me or my brain. i am too tired to explain i fear. why should anyone be inside of my head?

i told her i tried to hang myself when i was 12, which im sure i did try, yet i cant remember much from my childhood. i feel insane. i feel stupid and pathetic. i dont have any more coping mechanisms.

i told her ive been sexually abused 4 times, which is true, but i only remembered that this morning. before today i forgot all about that. brushed it under the rug "its not a big deal to me" because its not. that's what the woman who raped me 8 years ago told me, like a good girl i shouldn't tell mummy or daddy about this. keep it between us, which i did until this morning, my apologies.

yes my neighbour forced me to lick his dick, yes i was forced onto the bed by my cousin, forcefully fingered and kissed, like a doll that was made to be fucked and abused. that was an uncomfortable experience. of course i consented to it. i was only 11 after all, i had my full consciousnesses. yes me and my sister had continous sexual experiences when i was young, she rubbed pussies with me in the bathroom at night when i was..9, so what? yes oliver tried to have sex with me when i was just a little girl. yes ive experienced a lot of sexual things as a young one.

that doesnt mean i am truamatised, i am not. i am simply just living. stop making it a big deal.

i am sex. sex is who i am. what is wrong with that?

yes i was bullied, verbally degraded, sexually abused, told i was too fat to be attractive to anyone, yes i am all these things. oohhh i am so useless. i am a fuck rag doll to be used and abused. i believe that so strongly.

so, all of these things i mentioned to the doctor, what has any of this got to do with an eating disorder? nothing at all. my mouth just runs and ran during that whole thing.

maybe i shouldn't have lied to the oh so sweet lady doctor, but i needed to. or she wouldn't have taken me seriously. "just another fat fuck of a black girl who thinks she's different. thinks she's sick but she's not".

i would truly end my life there if i was not to be taken seriously.

so, i sit here and await the results of my eating disorder assessment, otherwise known as the string of half-lies i put into the system. i love this country. i am a living breathing object of a lie. everything about me is false. i should not be here. i should not be here at all.

#bpd #borderline blog #vent #bpd vent

[vhvrs]

Hello I'm so sorry to randomly put this in your inbox, but I have some real questions that I'm kind of too scared to ask anyone else?

I think I'm... I think I finally admitted that I might be trans? I think? I've been so terrified of calling myself that, especially out loud, because I've been so scared that I'm accidentally being transphobic when I can't even figure out my own identity? I'm AFAB, and I like having a very pretty "girl" body and even adore hyperfeminine "girl" things. Like, I love girly stuff and dressing like a girl? Is it the looking like a girl I like? But like, something has always felt off and like it wasn't quite right to just be a "she"? It's so hard to explain because for years I was just a girl, using feminine pronouns and everything. But as I've gotten older, I found myself using they/them more and more often, but it's actually in the last week or so that I've started using he/him pronouns officially instead of just in my head. And guess what? It felt amazing doing it! But here's my problem: What is it called when you're AFAB, do still really like very feminine things and "looking/acting like a girl", but want to use he/him pronouns? I'm so scared and confused and I feel so ashamed because I'm scared I'm just CIS with extra steps? Like, I see a lot of posts that say a lot of people are just muddying the waters and making things even harder for other transgender people, and I would never want to hurt anybody like that! I've tried Googling my question several times, each a different way because I was worried I wasn't wording it properly? But all the results I get are mixed and I'm confused what they mean. Am I allowed to be a boy that's... like, likes being a "girl", just not called a girl? Or at least isn't called a girl all the time? Just sometimes when I feel like it? Maybe?

I know this is all some really heavy stuff and I'm so sorry for just dropping this on you, but I really need help and I don't know where else to turn. If you're unable to help, do you know some other resources that I might try to look for? I'm sorry. You just seem so confident in yourself and your art has been really helpful, but I wanted to ask because I was hoping that I could maybe just get, like... even a sliver of what might be wrong with me? As dumb as this sounds, I'm scared of just being CIS (Again, I am so sorry for this long post, this text really got away from me)

hey i appreciate you feeling like i was the person to come to w this off the bat and not to fret about the ask at all bc im abt to overexplain myself right back - ive been in this exact same position actually! i had a long struggle moving from being a girl into being where i am now and where i am now is.... who knows! ive been figuring myself out for like. eight years at this point n i expect to keep figuring myself out even longer. the train of thought youre on reminds ne a LOT of how i felt when i started thinking i wasnt cis though so ill just kindve. dump what has helped me? and you can take what you want from it.

point blank anyone who says its possible for other trans ppl or even just ppl exploring their gender to bring harm back into the community are full of shit. they said this when i thought i was a genderfluid demigirl eight yrs ago. theyll keep saying it. it will continue to not be true. ive had friends who explored their gender identities and realized they were cis and if anything its really healthy for them and the community! its not bad to go thru that.

on topic, i could try to point you towards specific labels or communities but trying to get caught up in those can sometimes just confuse or scare you more - again speaking from experience trying to google just what i was and what i was going thru. especially trying to figure everything out at once.

like i label myself as a bi agender bc its EASY n to have a vague thing to tell ppl or put on pride icons but at the end of the day, im just theo. thats my identity n that could be yours too! when i think abt my bf, im a gay man. when im watching crazy girlies on a show, im a girl. when i want to buy nonbinary merch bc nobody makes agender merch, im nonbinary. im just theo no matter what.

you dont sound cis and thats the most important thing to remember. even if you were somehow cis w extra steps bc thats. not a thing. even if you looked n acted n dressed exactly as you did when you viewed yourself before all of this but FELT you werent that presentation, you wouldnt be cis. you could like... be a girl but a bit to the left and youd be trans.

also, perhaps changing the language you think abt yourself with may help you rule out whats going on? instead of seeing things in a v binary girl things vs boy things way? its hard bc like. gender based society but trying to not see dressing a certain way as being feminine/dressing like a girl and certain pronouns being like. boy/masculine pronouns can really help! if you mean you dont want to bind or you like dresses, then you can do those things in a masc or fem or any way u want - its YOU doing it. if you want those things to be girl things bc it helps, then theyre girl things! if seeing them as boy things helps, then they're boy things!

im sorry if i... didnt really answer your question or help ultimately but i just remember how much wanting definite answers didn't really help me at the time so i dont want to say like. oh youre nonbinary! oh youre genderfluid! oh youre a demigirl! oh youre a he/him girl! being trans is so different for everyone n thats ultimately why you may be struggling to find specific answers.

honestly? id keep doing what youre doing and trying different gender affirming things like you are. something will click as you do and youll come to realizations that, in that space, will help you a lot. perhaps itll be something that changes but it will click eventually.

i literally felt like i was transphobic towards trans men for having he/him in my pronouns for YEARS bc i wasnt Being Male Enough to earn them. but i no longer see myself as needing to be masc to prove i deserve to be called a he. to me, thats as genderless as they/them. shits weird n personal n a bit cringe.

nothings wrong w you for not having things figured out either. you will. i promise.

#also like generally if my art has been helping u i recommend either going thru my trans hc/trans hcs tag #or going backwards thru my art tag bc i very much used my art to figure my gender shit out n it helped immensely #i also encourage anyone who may have something to say to reply or dm bc this is just my perspective as like #someone whos gender REALLY is based off who theyre dating lol. being bisexual is v much a gender for me

[viralvava]

The CV3 gang + Dracula for the meme? :>

FINALLY getting to this one, god im so sorry lmao ive been distracted by a certain funky new interest

okie dokie, first up: trevor!

favourite thing about them: uuh okay so basically everything but to pinpoint something specific: his personality? peak. hes a DISASTER. kind of an asshole prick. and i love that! its so good because get this: trevor is, in a way, the Quintessential Belmont, hes the blueprint as far as chronological goes (ignoring leon because he kind of doesnt exactly fit the dracula-stabbing mold im afraid) and he sets mad shit up, he literally befriends the series Big Good. and yet hes still a jerk. hes obviously flawed. hes the blueprint for a bloodline of noble heroes and yet hes so obviously human! hes a guy! hes kind of a bastard, prone to a stupid mistake or two, and of course even then hes still very much a Good Guy. hes loyal, has a strong moral compass, is generally friendly when hes not being a total bitch... you get it

least favourite thing about them: netflix. other than that there is nothing wrong with him. except he deserves better tbh i mean hes kind of underrated? for being the mc of the best classicvania and as i said, Quintessential Belmont, as well as kind of just seeming like the kind of character fandom would latch onto, hes not really talked about much unless its netflix!trevor. on one hand im glad he gets left alone mostly, but on the other its kind of a shame :(

favourite line: "INCINERATE!" but actually, im really fond of all his really bitchy lines to hector. "For one that served under Dracula, you seem much too weak." and "Be that as it may, I am the one who shall vanquish him, your meddling is unwelcome. Leave him to me!" (note, i love how he just Keeps Going when he talks, my man cannot end a sentence or take a pause for the life of him)

brOTP: so that i dont repeat the same thing too much, lets go with hector & trevor! i think they could be good friends :>. julia too, trevor has no qualms about hanging with witches considering he married one (but trevor & grant have my whole heart im sorry)

OTP: trevor/grant/sypha/alucard :D but if i had to pick just one, then i guess it would be trevor/sypha, since. its canon

nOTP: iiii cant really think of one? other than the complete obvious. there are some ships i dont really vibe with but nothing i dislike enough to go full on "fuck no" for.

random headcanon: a version of the events from each casino type game trevor is in did happen, because the idea that he kicked draculas teeth in that many times is really funny. angela from the pachinko or whatever is his friend who he has literally never mentioned to anyone ever because he forgor :)

unpopular opinion: i dont really know whatd be unpopular? lmao

song i associate with them: Belmont the Legend, pretty obviously, but moreso than that: Beginning! i think it fits the vibe of "silly whacky group of friends who may be kissing go on a magical adventure to knock draculas shit sideways". as for actual songs, uh, ummm. Hell's Comin' With Me by Poor Mans Poison :p

favourite picture of them: gotta be one of these

now for best boy grant

favourite thing about them: his friendship with trevor!! very cute it makes my brain explode

least favourite thing about them: konami why did you put him in the basement? give him back now

favourite line: "I can help you a lot because I am very fast." he can help me a lot because he is very fast

brOTP: grant & trevor obviously! but grant & sypha is peak too, they bond over their shared stupid idiot. maybe he could befriend hector because of all the stealing hector does?

OTP: same as ever, trevor/grant/sypha/alucard, but to pick just one itd be grant/trevor

nOTP: havent got one lmao

random headcanon: hes a good cook! he made trevor the curry that you can steal from him in curse of darkness

unpopular opinion: more interesting than sypha tbh im sorry but he is

song i associate with them: i dont really have any :( but he can share beginning?

favourite picture of them: love the sotn fake grant sprite i really do

and sypha time

favourite thing about them: i think its really cool how she serves as the template for a whole bunch of characters after her :D yoko, charlotte, juste, etc etc, lotsa magic users

least favourite thing about them: very underutilised, for someone whos basically trevors main partner as far as canon goes :( also most of her designs suck

favourite line: "I'm Sypha, the Vampire Hunter." awful translation aside, this implies she might have a reputation that trevor would know of. whats her rep goddamnit

brOTP: sypha & alucard! i think theyd be chill. netflix stay away from me

OTP: trevor/grant/sypha/alucard... and sypha/trevor, obviously

nOTP: yea ive got nothin

random headcanon: her and grant barged into julias cabin very soon after curse of darkness concluded demanding to know where trevor was, and the misunderstandings were glorious

unpopular opinion: shes kind of the least interesting to me of the cviii cast... which isnt actually saying much because shes still really interesting, but just less so than the other three. the cviii-ers have a lot of really interesting vague shit its funny

song i associate with them: none, again :(

favourite picture of them:

and now we get to mr. popular, alucard

favourite thing about them: the existence of the secret boots is peak storytelling lets be real here

least favourite thing about them: as the only person in the world who sees alucard as more of a cviii character than a sotn or sorrow character, i wish we got more content of him with his original gang. that isnt netflix. and includes grant.

favourite line: can i go with an unused line? "Farewell, Father. Believe it or not I shall miss you." if not then uhhhh "I'm interested in this."

brOTP: alucard & sypha all day but tbh. arikado & yoko has such potential. arikado & hammer also

OTP: trevor/grant/sypha/alucard, but also just alucard/trevor

nOTP: i dont care if anyone else ships it but alucard with any belmont other than trevor just does Not do it for me for some reason, also mariacard because i just dont care lmao i prefer the sibling dynamic with richter for her

random headcanon: circa 2035 he just puts his neutron bombs in his sink he doesnt care anymore

unpopular opinion: in my heart he belongs with the cviii idiot group the most

song i associate with them: The Tragic Prince! and for not bgm, I'll Know by Red Vox

favourite picture of them:

aaand finally, unexpected suggestion, draccy boy himself

favourite thing about them: hes so fucking stupid how on earth did he fumble leon belmont of all people THAT HARD

least favourite thing about them: half of his designs are peak and the other half kind of suck ass. case in point what the fuck is the crotch mouth on that one final form

favourite line: "Ah, sarcasm." bitch what the fuck are you on. im pretty sure thats just how alucard talks

brOTP: dracula & death friends till the end

OTP: uhhhhh i have no idea! maybe dracula/tomato juice

nOTP: once again i have no idea aside from the obvious

random headcanon: he had a nintendo switch in the year 1455

unpopular opinion: what the fuck is an unpopular opinion for dracula ermmm i guess that i think that his one form in cviii where hes just a mass of melted heads is really fucking cool

song i associate with them: A Toccata Into Blood Soaked Darkness!! peak dracula theme, sweeps Dance of Illusions tbh. Proof of Blood as well (i love Old Enemy but the wraith isnt really dracula to me)

favourite picture of them:

#once again SORRY I TOOK SO LONG

[yellowbentley]

first 8 hours of totk review :D

SPOILERS UNDER CUT

that was the coolest intro to any game ive ever seen, loved starting w 30 hearts and full stamina especially bc that wasnt possible without glitches in botw

do not reconize matt mercers voice at ALL

i thought link losing his arm was very cohesive!!! lovelove love that thats how we lose hearts

i love everything about rauru

top portion of the map is absolutely gorgeous. the fall colours are beautiful. the constructs are creative and blend in well artistically and narratively. theres cooking pots everywhere. its still large but a blip on the map comparatively and very mountainy so its very good to explore and find secrets. scratches my brain

it didnt take me 5 weeks to do the tutorial this time around :D

speaking of map, it looks fucking huge. i dont think its bigger then the botw map but the area borders are different and its throwing me way off

how do i fucking drive some of these things

every time i see an item i reconize its like greeting an old friend i havent seen in a while

and every time i see a new thing im both pleasently surprised and at ease, like im meeting someone for the first time but we immediately click

and every time i see something mildly incorrect im either sad or discombobulated. i walk past a place where i know theres a shrine in botw because ive seen it a thousand times, and theres no shrine. i dont know where they went, just sunk into the ground again? they should still be standing just dead and not glowing and inaccessable imo :((

speaking of shrine THERES ZONAI SHRINES!!!!!!! they follow p much the exact pattern as botw shrines. overall so far i prefer the aesthetic of botw shrines more.

at the end instead of spirit orbs you get "light of blessings" and i stumbled over typing it because i 100% think it should be blessings of light. light of blessings sounds incorrect.

why is there a fuckign fairy fountain right outside dueling peaks stable.

WHAT IS THAT GIANT KING BOKO WHAT. WHAT.

blood moons are still a thing unfortunately and its much sharper and scarier looking this time around

its very weird not having my champion abilities. or 3 wheels of stamina. and everything hurts. where is my paraglider. WHY CANT I GLIDE THIS FEELS SO WRONG

take a shot every time i fall off a cliff

theres tunnels to the center of the earth that instakill you

it isnt "malice" anymore its called gloom now. im still calling it malice.

the abilities links prosthetic arm give him are legit so fun. a bit janky and they take some time to get used to but im having a good time. all i can make is a shitty little car i cant steer. im having a great time.

im not playing this as cohesively as i did botw. walking right past quest markers and things. the way i played botw means by the time i would have gotten the master cycle there would be nothing left for me to do to use it with. i doubt it will be the same but i want stuff to do post game

im not fucking finding a thousand korok seeds again. not for a very long time. i laughed maniacally after the first one and then stopped at 7. they have backpacks bigger rhen they are its adorable.

lots of new weapons

fuse is my favorite ability

shiekah slate is now called the "purah pad" which doesnt roll off the tongue as nice. do you think link was pissed when zelds made him give the slate back. do you think he misses cryonis blocks. because i definitely fucking miss my cryonis blocks

theres been fucking crows outside my window being loud as hell this whole post

lurelin village got invaded and swamped by pirates :((((

my least favorite armor set, the luminous gimp suit is being sold for free in kakariko and im kinda mad about it

paya is chief of kakariko now :D

i had a few more but im tired now zzzz

[shushthisaintmytumbla]

a year in the books - 8/9/22

It always just amazes me how much can change from the previous time I write here. I have definitely neglected this space for quite some time (longer than usual) as its been almost a YEAR! It’s always so insane to see how much has changed and where i am now from where i was in the last post. I truly don’t even know where to begin, but I guess i will just state the fact that tomorrow is my one year anniversary of living in NYC.... HOWWW?! So much has happened over the past year. New friendships, self growth, hurt, feeling lost, finding myself, you name it its happened. Its crazy to read my last post and see how un settled this city made me feel. I can now leave my apartment and get just about anywhere by memory. I have so much to say and update on so I guess we shall start with a big part of my last post. D. 

Wowow i don’t know what to say but girlllll you were just getting started with this heartbreak. To say being in a toxic relationship is difficult is just an understatement. Its definitely been one of the biggest struggles from the past year. I have been hurt countless times, but yet i still find myself stuck in the same place. From where I was a year ago, I’ve been back and forth and pulled in every direct. From a genuine relationship to a hook up to a toxic friendship to friends to enemies and back, we still gravitate towards one another. Our relationship makes zero sense to me, but id like to think my mental state of the relationship has begun to take positive steps out of the toxicity. It’s hard to say what the future looks like but all I can hope is that I find a way through this muddy path. I know I am capable and I hope to continue to work on finding my way out... I guess thats all I can really say.

other than THAT! lol so so so much good has happened. Sometime after this post I pushed myself out of my comfortzone to make nyc MY city with MY friends. It took some trial and error, but through a literal friend dating app I found my best friends who I now could not imagine life without. Were literally going on our second trip together this weekend like thats how freaking amazing they are. They make NYC home and I couldnt be more grateful. Not only do I have them, but ive been able to connect with people who I barely knew im college, I have molly and her friends and I even had brooke (who unfortunately just moved back to LA) for so much of the past year. Once i got out of my comfort zone this city really openned up to me. My friends here are the reason I love new york as much as I do and for that I am forever grateful.

Not only have my relationships changed, but MY JOB changed. This I never thought I’d be saying a year ago, mostly because I thought my job was going to be the coolest thing ever. It was at first, dont get my wrong, but once things set into place i realized the scam that is reality TV lol. I am now at a new job that has been one of the most challenging ones yet. Hold onto your seat bc you wont believe this... I AM SO BUSY. I thought i was cursed w boring jobs hahah but not the case anymore!! I really really struggled the first few weeks, but id like to think im getting the hang of it now. Its still in influener marketing which I enjoy, but now i do everything from sourcing talent to contracting to runnning a full campaign. I hope to stay in this role for a bit and grow at the company because it definitely seems like there is a ton of room for it. Im excited to see what the future holds w this career path.

Another big thing is I started therapy this year! It is something ive always been so scared to do, but something i really needed. I am so good at venting to an online portal, but actually seeking a mental health outlet has been so good for me. Sometimes i doubt my progress, but ive been able to open up a lot more and id like to think its made me more overall healthy. 

I feel like thats a pretty lengthy update on the life status for now, but i hope to come back soon w even more life  wins and not go so long without writing here! I am so so excited to see what the future holds, how my nyc life will progress, and what new challenges will come my way to make me even stronger. 

xx,

C

[sqtzworld]

sigh.

i realize i dont rant here enough like as much as i should. i should be drawing and not spending time being a fucking idiot ranting on TUMBLR at 2 am but shuake is just too serious for me

CUZ yall don’t understand my level of. crazy. my level of insane my level of obsession its been like 7 months of just straight up fixation and i always find the same things to feel the new feeling of love again for them. saw someone talking about their short film like a little summary on what its abt and the inspiration, a little love letter to their lover of sorts saying how the film is abt genuinely loving someone who is good to you for the first time, “This was the first time I would say "I love you" to someone, and it not come from a place of fear or a toxic one. This film is a celebration of vulnerability, and letting pure, secure love in without the constant impulse to self sabotage” I’ll quote and bc i cant think of love without immediately thinking of shuake (its a genuine problem lmao😭), i HAD to just think about them and yk what. idegaf their love is so beautiful to me. i think the idea of akechi having bpd and the same mental issues and disorders as me finding love in someone who is also very similar to him in some sense, like them both being autistic and such, just really speaks a lot to me.

im definitely not an opposites attract person, although they technically WOULD be opposites i think the whole troupe of “enemies” to lovers is the fact that they arent really enemies and actually have a lot more in common than first thought, at least when done well anyway so to me, they aren’t opposites when it comes to like. the things that matter like personality and the things that make people connect and become closer like the things u cant control ig lol but anywho, bc i hc (its basically canon) akechi having bpd i think thats why it means SO MUCH more to me and i love his character sm. he’s not my favorite, but bc that’s the first time i see a character like that be represented with something so similar to me and not be treated like a villain or just be really extreme like akechi is definitely. well. extreme but he’s not like, let’s say, like yuri level from ddlc like i wouldnt even consider that bpd she just straight up crazy😭 like idk, i just really relate to akechi so i really see him having bpd and bc ive always felt soo left out bc of my bpd even in spaces you would THINK would be safer, i always feel singled out somehow and although i still dont really know why, ig i see myself in akechi a lot and even akira too so the idea that parts of me could find that love and care like the fact that parts of me could find other parts of me, ig im not broken lmao like its all a little puzzle :)

okkk lore drop🔥🔥 got so hashtag emo there BUT that meant something i promise!!! that whole idea of feeling like ur missing something or theres just something wrong with u or ur unloveable or whatever, the idea that akechi felt that and FOUND it in akira makes my heart melt like a fucking fangirl i hate everything. i always think abt shuake and their love bc people always say how they are so toxic blah blah blah, and yk what, lemme not lie, that’s probably the truth! but i cant see them being soo toxic like that especially with how young they are like akechi was like. a few months of just turning 18, akira was 17 like they arent full grown adults even tho akechi was definitely aware enough to know what he was doing was wrong (even at 15 or however old he was when first helping shido i would say), you wouldnt understand the FULL severity of it like its a lot to explain but HOPEFULLY i make sense lol😭😭 and i think just being so young and growing through so much like im already. off. and i dont even live a life CLOSE to that EVER like of course he’s gonna be a little. off his rockets🤩 i mean what did yall expect😭 i keep using this phrase but yea!! so the idea of him meeting akira and finally being able to feel that youth and enjoy parts of life that typically teenagers get to live is si sweet to me.

mind u, im not saying that him living that “teenage life” is the way it HAS to be lived bc i think my life is better without those things as a teen myself and its most definitely not necessary but to me, akechi is just like. a very much stan twitter gay guy😭 he has his little bit of nerd (WHICH I LOVE^_^) but like anyone, of course he would want and need that friendship, that connection. do i believe he wouldn’t really care abt friends and shit? yea bc look, i dont really care for that myself but i wont lie to you and tell u i would love just ONE good connection in my life like yk, a friend i actually want but im not gonna be all friendless here so back to akechi!😊 he’s just very normal high schooler to me, ONE THING I LOVE ABT HIM AND SUMI ACTUALLY. i feel like with sumi, because ae doesn’t know like anything abt akechi’s past and what’s he’s done and stuff i feel like akechi just gets to live a “regular high schooler life” with sumi, yk? like everytime akechi and sumi would hang out (i like to believe they would hang out pre royal idgaf🥱) and akechi would complain or talk akira, sumi would just think “ah he’s on his crush thing again” like ae has NO CLUE he’s gonna shoot him in the head and yk what. that connection definitely means something bc that would be the first person akechi has ever met his age who ISNT involved in his “work life”?? like isn’t involved in his cases and shit like. a genuine healthy friendship🤯🤯🤯 and thats ANOTHWR reason i love sumigoro (make fun of me all u want but i seriously do not. gaf😜😝) bc i think akechi would really go and mess that up, he’d be like “wait. do i actually like sumi” all bc of the fact that they have a good connection and akechi isnt used to that

WHICH brings me to what i was GOING TO bring up (sorry for the crazy detour) but YEA, the whole idea of having a love and always feeling the need to self sabotage reminds me smm of shuake. akechi going and ruining their connection even though there was definitely ways he could’ve gone abt killing shido…. with the phantom thieves’ health possibly👀👀???? i feel like that was the prime explain of self sabotage, guilt and the fact that he wasnt even actually processing what he did and HAS done. like that one scene after 11/20 where he’s in the studio filming and their asking him abt the pts and he gets slient and thinks abt some shit like abt the pts and sorta feels guilty (idk if thats the undesirable child scene i think it is but im not sure lol) but yeah that, that is the PRIME explain of processing and guilt. after killing people and doing all that shit for so long i think that was the first time it actually hit him like “oh shit wait. i’ll never see these people again” like the idea that it hit so close to home, these were kids HIS age, even younger too and.. what EYE like to believe, people he thought probably deserved more life than even himself (like the after thought of it) bc u cannot convince me he really sent his ass over to shido’s palace just to tell joker some shit like girl. and getting himself killed too like naww that’s embarrassing as shit😭😭 like ik thats talked abt and thats what the whole scene is abt but like. EXACTLY he felt guilt for his actions and felt he needed to atone!! HE HADNT REALLT PROCESSED ANYTHING IF HE WAS FEELING THAT NOWW ofc he was going to get innocent people killed like. YEA😭😭 but he’s a fucking kid like what did u expect him to do, even if i had that power even with the current knowledge i have☝️🤓 i wouldnt even realize wtf im doing like yk ur doing something bad, but as a smart kid too.. its all abt competition lol, but in all seriousness tho and they show that in the game

ok sorry got off track again but yea, self sabotaging his love with akira all for the competition of it all, clearly i will never just flow into it naturally so ill state it plainly, self sabotaging his love and overall genuine connection with akira bc thats all he was ever thought to do, from his own mother and obviously, his own father. had to sabotage the love he had for his mother bc well. she ended up kwording herself😭😭 and had to sabotage the love for his father (which didnt exist to me idc) bc he had to kill him, i mean. he was awful😭😭 so having that constant battle between that, thats one thing i LOVE like ADORE ABOUT SHUAKE i love the idea that they could be vulnerable with each other i also love akira and his personality cuz he compliments akechi so well in SO MANY WAYS whoever wrote and made their characters and storylines personally ate with their yaoi deliverance😍😍 LMAO that was a joke but honestly. gave us such a good ship TY🙏 atlus at least for SOMETHING ur good at like like the thing i quoted said, THE WAY THAT IF ATLUS WOULDVE GAVE US AN I LOVE YOU BETWEEN THEM. aside from the fact i would’ve killed myself and died and then fell off a cliff and then kill myself again and killed myself a 3rd time just to make sure i also would’ve cried SO BAD, ik thats asking for WAYY TOO MUCHH but let a girl dream smh like IT WOULDVE MESNT SO MUCH AND HAD SM WEIGHT, it truly would’ve been akechi’s first ily that would’ve came from a genuine good place or would’ve been the first ily he ever heard that didnt try to manipulate or gain smth out of him!! which is. BEAUTIFUL ALL WAYS U LOOK AT IT like they definitely had their ups and downs (shuake i mesn) but the fact akira still wouldve loved him and seen him through everything is just so. something abt the unstable and the unstable but a little more stable dynamic😍😍 but seriously tho lol, i love their connection. again, it just speaks a lot to me SO PERSONALLY i hate everything

one thing i love abt royal is how we got to see akechi’s character a bit, i do like the royal writing a lot for this reason, some parts felt like aww yk lol and kinda reminiscent to the beginning of the game which felt a lot more genuine even tho royal’s writing felt more fanservicey, it had SOME sense of like, ok the characters arent written toooo bad here like the middle of persona so i appreciated it and u can tell atlus put a lot more work on the royal trio scenes (the fanservice was crazy in that part😭) so i also loved that too lol bc again, we got to see akechi’s character and the effect joker had on him and how like. less of an asshole he was like i wish we could’ve seen just a BIT more of him. again again i just LOVE dynamics like shuake and seeing characters grow and shit and shuake just does it so well UGH i hate them😭😭

[rippeds0cks]

3/4/2024

I have been weird lately. Some days ill be doing great then other days ill be as worse as ive ever been. These last couple days have been bad. Ive been so bad mentally that ive had to stop whatever im doing (eating, watching a movie, working out, playing elden ring) and just sit there and stare off into nothing. I zoned out entirely when i was driving yesterday. Ended up going 75 in a 45 and had to rush a break when i zoned back in so i didnt slam into the back of the car in front of me. Cant have that become a habit since im gonna be driving a lot soon. Buying a gun soon. Not for suicide or anything i need it for bears n such since im gonna be camping in the middle of national parks a lot. I havent slept well in weeks. Every night for the last couple nights ive been as close to tears as ive been in recent memory. I get really emotional laying here n my right eye will be teary but my left eye will not. I wonder if my tear duct is damaged in any kinda way since thats the side closest to my head injury. It shouldnt be since thats my better eye. Back when i got a cut on my left eyelid i was essentially blind for those couple days it took for the swelling to go down since my right eye is essentially useless. That reminds me, my dad is slowly catching onto how bad my health is. He made the observation “you might have something wrong with your depth perception cause you get really close to the cars in front of you when you drive” and i just went “haha yeah” when in reality my depth perception mostly went when i was like a very early 19 and i just got used to it. Fighting made me able to “feel” the distance between me and everything around me but that goes out the window when im operating a machine like a car. Ill get used to it i guess. Maybe start wearing my glasses.

I think that on this trip ill make the decision about reaching out to my ex. I think that if i get all the way to vegas and still think about her ill reach out for closure. Thatll be a while tho. Maybe well over a year. I dont know. Ive just completely given up any delusion of her contacting me. If contact is to be made itll be made by me. I just cant stop thinking about her and its already ridiculous so if it continues for so long that by the time i get to vegas i might as well reach out. Worst comes to worst and she loses her mind/gets a restraining order n i cant firefight anymore i can just kill myself its not a big deal. I just cant keep harboring these emotions forever. I already dont wanna harbor em im just too scared to reach out. It doesnt help that me n benj (mostly benj) bring up our exes a lot so i have to think about her. He says shit sometimes that unlocks memories i didnt know i had and it will make my ass catatonic for the day.

Like once i had a ptsd attack while asleep and i jolted awake and we were napping together and i woke up to her laying on me pulling me as close as possible and it brought my heart rate down and mental state down entirely, i was able to relax and calm down just cause she was there. She probably doesnt remember it since when i jolted awake she was mostly still asleep, just doing a slurred half awake “do u have to pee” to which i just said no n we both went back to bed.

I waa gonna type out another memory thats been replaying in my head where she lays with me as i was having full body convulsions and i was in some of the most pain i have ever been in. Rubbing my back and holding my hand. I was gonna type it all out in detail but im already shaking and crying out of one eye lol. No snot or anything tho so i dont know if this qualifies as crying.

Anyways i would give anything to be able to experience that again. The first and only person to ever love me and things went so horribly wrong. Both of our faults. I take the vast majority of the blame though. She takes the blame towards the end but the rest of it is my fault.

Anyways

#Spotify