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#like actually before i destroy the world or myself
moonrisecoeur · 1 day
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romance — leon kennedy
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author’s note: i am sick this is actually a really cute fic. although i might be a lil mentally ill. this fic is for @ovaryacted so i hope u like it nic :3 feeling re6 leon vibes hehe !!
wc: 4.7k
content: detective leon x psycho reader, fem!reader (reader wears a dress and is referred to femininely), no d/s dynamics but reader is slightly more in control, lots of pet names (sweet girl, pretty girl, princess, my girl, sweetheart, sweetie, pretty wife), talks of marriage, unprotected sex, blood as lube. reader is like actually insane but leon loves her.
warning: this fic is dark content, containing moderate amounts of blood and gore depictions, along with discussions of murder, torture, bodies, weapons, etc. please read with caution and take care of yourself.
notes:
"i'd love to see you in a beautiful dress," he says softly. 
“i would look pretty just for you.”
leon chuckles and squeezes your hand again, it's funny how he can go from fearing you to becoming utterly enamored with you in a matter of moments.
"i have no doubts about that, sweetheart," he replies, "now come here."
“what… have you done now, princess?” he stumbles, because when you said you look good in red, he clumsily thought you meant you were going to wear a red dress for him. 
“the guy was asking for it, lee,” you tell him, taking a step closer to reach out to him, but he steps back, “are you… afraid of me?”
“kinda. i also just… i don’t want you to get blood on my work clothes,” his smile is always gentle towards you. there’s no reality where detective kennedy can get mad at you, though. he adores you too greatly.
your eyes drop from focusing on his soft, warm gaze, to trailing down his body. he really does make himself pretty for you. black blazer and black dress pants on top of a red wine button down, top two buttons left unbuttoned because obviously the s in leon s. kennedy stands for slut. or maybe selfless? sensitive? submissive? who knows?
either way, you have the eyes of a predator. he knows you know that, yet you make no attempt to ease his mind, to tell him, ‘oh, it’s alright baby. i would never hurt you’ because neither of you are sure if that’s true. 
“blood on your clothes, huh..?” you murmur, almost distantly, like your mind was somewhere else.
“we, uh, have dinner reservations, baby. why don’t you get cleaned up and we can go? i don’t think… the restaurant would appreciate blood all over their chairs and tables,” he looks away, and then back to you. your eyes are hungry, but he tries to keep you focused, “baby, you got rid of the body, right?”
“well.. not necessarily… i wanted to dismember him myself,” you pout, like you were asking for something a lot less gruesome. like, ‘leon, could we please get ice cream after dinner?’ but instead you were asking something a little bit more on brand for you. he doesn’t even know why he’s surprised.
“just… okay, whatever. just c’mere and kiss me, sweetie,” he welcomes you into his arms again, refusing to even pay any mind to the viscous scarlet liquid that saturates his velvet suit, your hand staining his neck and you reach to rest it on the back of his neck. he stopped caring about the mess and wrapped his arms around your waist.
you kiss him feverishly, stained hands and tainted souls clashing together. leon was rotten before you met him, corrupted and dark. you feel a bit more comfortable with the fact that you have not ruined him. there was nothing good about him to ruin. he lies, fabricates and destroys evidence, forces confessions, truly a brutal guy. 
and yet, for the pretty thing that clutches onto him, only feeling truly happy in his arms, he is comfort. he’s safety and goodness. he is everything that’s right in her world. your world.
you are awful. but so is leon. that is why he loves you so dearly. if people like you both are even capable of such emotions.
your dress is carmine and if leon didn’t know any better, he’d think you were a victim of a heinous crime, but he does know better. and he knows there is not a single scratch or bruise on you.
leon holds you close to him, hands wrapped around your waist, giving you his complete soul, enjoying the warmth of your embrace and the familiar feel of your lips pressed against his. he squeezes you tightly and runs his hands along your hips, his touch smooth and gentle. 
leon is your complete opposite. your touch is forceful and aggressive, but leon is gentle. all your body knows is his softness. you are erratic and violent, but leon is composed. 
as you continue kissing him, leon's breath becomes heavier and his heart beats faster. he pulls away for a moment, panting gently as an expression of pure joy and relief crosses his face. leon leans down again, this time capturing your chin between his fingers as he looks into your eyes, soaking in the sight of you.
“you… are beautiful,” his voice echoes, low and full of an adoration even leon can’t wrap his head around. scarlet covers your figure, and all he can see is utter beauty. 
“you got anywhere to be, detective kennedy?” you smile as you address him professionally, but it’s only teasing. your hand is moving to help him shrug off his suit coat and he thinks he might be here a bit longer than he thought. you throw it onto the table.when your hand starts moving to help him take off his jacket, his eyebrow raises in interest, and his eyes follow the movement of your hand until it touches his shoulder and starts undoing the buttons.
"no, nowhere in particular," he says casually, watching his coat get thrown to the side. you’re careless. that is expensive velvet, and your red hands definitely just ruined it. it’s alright he muses, he’ll just replace it. 
the coat, he clarifies to himself. he’ll replace the coat. not this memory with you. 
"excellent," you tell him, crimson fingers tangling into his blonde hair, “i wasn’t going to let you leave anyway.”
"i figured as much," he chuckles playfully, enjoying the feeling of your fingers digging into his scalp, massaging the tension away. leon's body relaxes against yours, savoring the feel of you pressed against him. he wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you even closer.
"i've been working way too hard today," he sighs, and he sees the soft pout that comes to your face. it’s gotta be the cutest thing he’d ever seen, "don’t look at me like that, baby. i just didn't get much of a chance to relax. it’s my job, princess.” leon squeezes you tightly against him, the warmth from his body radiating against yours.
“how does your brain work for that long?” you shake your head, “i feel like i would start losing it with how long of days you work. you shouldn’t have to work so hard, lee.”
"i swear, i was staring at the same case file for like, ten hours straight," he sighs. "i can't look at those numbers and words anymore."
"i bet," you mumble, noticing the way the blood is drying up in his hair and on both of your clothes and skin, "you look like you're the murderer now," you chuckle, "i think i'm going to have to lock you up."
leon lets out a laugh, looking down at himself and noticing the dried blood caking up in his hair and on his suit, "i bet i do," he chuckles, "i look like i've just come from a crime scene."
leon looks up at you, his eyes shining mischievously. "then i guess you'll have to arrest me," he teases, "do you have the handcuffs ready?"
you laugh, mostly because you know he’s making shitty jokes, but also because you might enjoy restraining him a little too much, “oh yeah, except the jail cell is my bedroom.”
"well, you're the officer who has to bring me in," he says with a smirk, "i don't think i'll be resisting arrest too much."
“oh, shut up, dork. just kiss me,” you groan to him, pulling him in by the hips. his white button up dress shirt being stained by your red hands feels indicative of what you’ve done to leon. it’s not like he’s perfectly pristine, he’s been a corrupt cop for years, but… you have only made him worse.
it's as if he's addicted to the touch and affection of your hands, his body becoming hot with desire. he enjoys the way you press against him, your red hands staining his shirt and staining his soul. your fingers dig into his hips forcefully as you pull him in close to you, your tainted hands staining his clothes as you do so. you've definitely made him even more corrupt than he was before you came into the picture, and he's loving every second of it.
you pull away to whisper to him, in his ear, wet blood covering his skin and his clothes, "i love you."
now, he’s known for a long time that you love him, even if that love is twisted and tainted. as blood drips down the both of you, he wraps his arms around you more tightly, burying his face in your neck as he whispers into your ear.
"i love you too, princess,”  he whispers back, not caring about the dried blood coating you both, "also, wait, where is your victim? did anyone see you? please tell me you were careful, baby."
"i destroyed his body parts already, don't worry. no one saw me."
"thank god.. or should i say thank you?" leon replies with a cheeky grin. to him, you are god. you are a religion. you are a deity who visits him in his dreams and treats him like her beloved human pet. he looks at you for a moment, his eyes trailing over your body, the dried blood of your previous victims making you look even more beautiful to him. god, you are so fucking pretty to him.
"though, i do need your help destroying evidence.." your fingers draw sweet little hearts onto his back once you throw his dress shirt off entirely, but he's certain your bloody hearts left literal, physical drawings on his skin. you are so fucking deranged and he adores you.
"i can help you with anything," he murmurs, leaning his head down to plant kiss after kiss on your neck, “that’s what i’m here for, baby.”
every trace of your blood-stained heart has been embedded and melded into his skin, like a stain that can never be washed out with bleach. he loves his psycho princess.
"but i don't want to think about that right now," you lean your head on his shoulder, "i just wanna be here with you.."
leon nods, enjoying the feeling of your head pressed onto him, the warmth from your body radiating gently, "i know, i know, baby," he says softly, "no worrying right now, just you and i."
after a moment of peace and calm, you perk your head up suddenly, a contemplative look on his face, "do you think... will i ever go to prison?"
leon chuckles, shaking his head as he continues stroking your hair, "no, you won't," he replies confidently, "not as long as i'm around, and i'm not going anywhere. i'll always keep you safe and make sure you're never caught."
leon feels the weight of your worries melt away from you. he enjoys being the one to calm you, tame you in a way. you are a monster, but with him, you’re his sweet girl with her.. mildly disturbing hobbies.
"you’ll be okay," he says gently, "i mean, if anyone does find evidence pointing to you, i'll get rid of it before it can even be used. i'm not going to let anyone come between us.”
“yeah?”
“you’re stuck with me forever, princess. i’ll make sure you never spend even one night in a jail cell. only the most comfortable living arrangements for my baby.”
you chuckle, pressing sweet kisses to his neck, “you’re the one that’s stuck with me. who knows? maybe my thirst for blood will include you some day.”
leon laughs, his body trembling slightly at your sweet kisses against his neck, he doesn't even want to think about the possibility of you deciding to kill him one day, but he also knows that it's not an impossibility. he swallows the lump in his throat and decides it's better to just push that thought away for now.
the worst part is… he knows you’d enjoy it. you’d watch the light slowly leave his eyes with glee. makes him nauseous.
"maybe," he says with a teasing tone, but it’s impossible to miss how his voice shakes, "but i'm more valuable to you alive, sweetheart."
“i know, i know.” you giggle, hands digging into the waistband of his fancy velvet slacks, “i just like playing with you. you get so nervous.. it’s cute.”
leon grins in return, but a hint of a nervous chuckle escapes his lips when he feels you start unbuttoning his pants.
he feels his heart rate start to pick up, both from anticipation and a little bit of anxiety, “you like playing with me huh…” he says in a lower, somewhat panting voice, “don’t play with your food, baby. do what you gotta do.”
you smirk, pushing him down onto his office chair, the same one you bought him a couple months ago when he was complaining about his old one. you sit yourself down on his lap, hands resting around the back of his neck, caressing him so sweetly. god, if leon closed his eyes, he could pretend this was normal and you were normal and you were both just two young lovers that adored each other. 
his hands grasp your waist and keep you close, as he's afraid you'll leave him. you can't leave him now. not after all he's done for you, to protect you, to save you from yourself. he's ruined himself for you, he's destroyed evidence and burned bodies and lied and lied and lied for you. you can't leave him now.
his psychopath. his monster. his sweet lover. him. you belong to him. 
he doesn't understand why you're so gentle with him, but you are and he's grateful, so he doesn't push the subject. when your hands pull at the waistband of his boxers, his eyes become soft and glassy and he rests his head back against the chair. you may do what you please with him at this point.
leon lets out a contented sigh as he relaxes back into the chair, his head leaning against the backrest as he gazes up at you. you are… breathtaking. a beautiful dove covered in her victim’s crimson blood.
your touch is soft and delicate, much different from the usual roughness that you've had with your previous victims. yet he can't complain that you're choosing to be so gentle with him, letting him keep this illusion of you being a normal person, just for a moment.
"can i have you, lee? right here, right now?"
it's almost amusing how normal that question sounds to him. after all this time, after everything he's done for you, after all the murders he's covered up for you, the bodies he's burned and the evidence he's destroyed... it almost makes him chuckle to hear that sentence. it’s remarkable, honestly. you’re vicious and violent and cruel… and you’re asking for consent? how adorable.
"of course," he says softly, his tone slightly pleading and desperate, "please. take me, baby... i'm yours."
you smile sweetly, though the sweetness is undercut by the blood on your face. he would almost assume you're possessed by something demonic if he didn't already know you were evil to begin with, "you make me so happy, baby." you muse gently, "you keep me safe, protect me when i mess up... i'm gonna be your perfect little wife someday."
leon chuckles softly at your words, but there's a part of him that's a little bit terrified. in his mind, he knows that this isn't the beginning of some fairytale romance, and that your intentions aren't quite pure, but he chooses to ignore those thoughts. he's already fallen down such a dark path because of your influence, so what's stopping him from falling a little bit deeper and going all the way down into this fucking madness with you?
"i'll protect you from everything," he replies, his fingers gripping tightly around yours, "nothing will ever hurt you again, my sweet wife. i’ll keep you safe and happy, always.”
"we should get married in a big, beautiful chapel. i don't need a lot of people there, i just want to be there with you."
leon grins, "you'd be happy with just a small wedding?" he asks with a hint of surprise in his voice, "i thought you'd want something big and extravagant to show off to everyone."
“all i need is a pretty dress and you,” you whisper to him.
leon chuckles, brushing your hair out of your face with his hand, his fingers slightly trembling. a part of him can't help but wonder how this would all end: would it actually end happily? with you two walking down the aisle to an altar, exchanging vows? or would it end up with his body buried deep in the woods?
he forces himself to ignore those thoughts, for now he should stay focused on the moment. you look at him so sweetly, so earnestly, so he decides to trust your intentions with him for now.
"i'd love to see you in a beautiful dress," he says softly. 
“i would look pretty just for you.”
leon chuckles and squeezes your hand again, it's funny how he can go from fearing you to becoming utterly enamored with you in a matter of moments.
"i have no doubts about that, sweetheart," he replies, "now come here."
you smile as you lean in to kiss him again, hands finally resuming their movements to get into his underwear.
leon lets out a soft groan, his muscles tensing as he feels your hands slip through the fabric of his underwear, pulling out his cock for you to play with, or so he assumes you’ll do. you play with it like it’s a toy, something you can just have fun messing with while he sleeps or before you fuck him. he uses the verbage of ‘you fucking him’ because this is in no way him fucking you… even if it’s his dick. at some point that dick attached to his pelvis became yours.. 
he wraps his arms tightly around your waist as you begin to caress him. he's just so vulnerable to you, he's yours in every aspect of the word, physically and emotionally. yours, yours, yours.
"i'll be gentle, i promise. i'm just gonna stroke your cock, nice and slow.." you murmur. your touch is warm but teasing, and when you notice the tension in his body, you can't help but giggle, "i can't go too quickly just yet.. can't make you feel too much too soon."
leon chuckles softly, a part of him enjoying this teasing routine. he knows that eventually you'll give him what he wants, so he doesn’t mind waiting. whatever his girl wants, she gets.
"i know" he says panting slightly, "just take your time, princess..."
it's just so hard not to adore him, so malleable and soft, you could mold him into anything you want.
leon's eyes are starting to get hazy, his breath hitching in his throat and his body trembling. your touch is so delicate yet so powerful, it's making his entire body quiver. he’s not even on the edge but he feels like he is. both of your hands jerk him off so slow and sensual, and he knows the only reason they’re moving so smoothing is because your hands still have wet blood on them… which means you’re practically using that guy’s blood as lube and… this is so fucked up. you are so fucked up. you are awful and he can’t wait to make you his wife.
leon’s not necessarily the most submissive man alive, but he does listen well and you always get what you want, so take that as you will. he's always been so easy to mold into whatever you want him to be. he's followed along like a loyal dog, doing everything you ask of him. he's done such despicable things in your name, knowing that at the end of the day, you'll love him enough to keep him by your side.
he feels your thumb massaging his tip and he suppresses a nervous whimper, eyes fluttering closed as he takes in the feeling of your touch. you’re too much of a tease, but leon is patient.
“promise that you’ll always stay with me, lee. promise that you’ll never leave,” you whisper. he doesn’t know why you expect such a deep answer from him when his brain is becoming more and more mushy by the second.
“i promise," he whispers back, still panting slightly from pleasure. “i'm never going to leave you. i'll stay by your side for as long as we're alive. i'll never stop protecting you, loving you"
“i will sink my claws into you and never let you leave,” you growl.
he leans his head back against the chair again, a smile creeping on his lips as he lets out a shuddering breath. "i'm all yours, princess, and i have no desire to be anyone else's."
just as he starts to get close to the edge, riding the fine line of pleasure, you pull your hands away from him. you feel bad for denying him, but you're only doing it so you both can finish together. leon lets out a soft shiver as you tug your hands away, your teasing just making him more and more desperate.
he lets out a tense, groaning sigh as you pull your hands away, a small whimper escaping his lips as you did so. he's so close, but you're not quite ready to let him cum yet.
leon tries his best not to show his disappointment, the build up has been intense and it's frustrating to feel himself denied, but he knows you love it. you love making him desperate, making him beg.
he concedes: this is what you like, so it’s what he likes. 
but his disappointment is quickly brushed away as you get up off of him to take off your beautiful bloody dress, and your undergarments too. for all of the blood on your face, neck, chest, and arms, the rest of you is mostly untouched, and he finds the difference rather amusing. your stomach and thighs look so soft and innocent.
he gazes at you lustfully as you remove your clothes, his breath catching in his throat as he stares at your naked body. he can’t think, can’t breathe, his eyes going everywhere they’re not supposed to. he can only try so hard to be a gentleman. 
"you.. are going to make me your wife," you say, voice carrying an air of certainty. you are not suggesting. you are telling him what's going to happen, and he will obviously obey, “you’ll buy me a pretty ring. nothing expensive, don’t waste your money on something stupid like a diamond. and you’ll take me on a beautiful honeymoon, and we’ll spend every moment of those days together just fucking like rabbits. understood?”
marriage was never something he considered until you called yourself his ‘pretty little wife’ to be honest, but with the way you're demanding it now... it's something he'd easily give in to, "okay" he finally manages to whisper back, "anything for my beautiful wife."
you smile gently, settling back onto his lap, pussy aching for the cock in front of you, so desperate to fill you up, “you ready, baby?” you ask.
leon nods, his eyes fluttering briefly at your words, “yeah, i'm ready," he mumbles, his breath already short and his heart beating so hard he's surprised that you can't hear it.
you slide him inside, giving yourself a moment to adjust. leon can't help but find the slight discomfort in your face cute.
you moan gently, resting your hands on his shoulders, "o-oh, ah..."
he can hear every soft sound and breath that escapes your lips as you begin to move, and he can't help but let out a soft groan as well. his hands grip tightly around you, tightening every time you moan or gasp.
leon holds onto you for dear life, he knows he's already so close to finishing, he could really blow any second, but the longer this goes, the longer this moment lasts, the more intense it gets. you’re going to kill him one of these days. 
"l-lee.." you gasp, hips rocking back and forth, almost circular motions.
"oh god.. baby..." he lets out a tense moan as you ride him, movements gentle but somehow still so overwhelming.  his fingertips dig into your shoulders as he tries to keep himself restrained, but he's at the very edge of his control.
every movement sends a jolt through his body, his muscles flexing and releasing with everything he's got to keep himself from finishing before you.
“leon…” you groan again, and he never really realizes the effect he has on you until your body is trembling as you ride his cock. your voice isn’t quite begging, but he almost hears it like that. it sounds like a love confession wrapped up in his name. he doesn’t see it until all of your defenses are down, but you love him so helplessly that it must be scary. 
god, he wants to hold you in his arms forever and never let you go. protect his serial killer for the rest of her days.
he lets out another tense, breathy moan as you start to move even faster, you're pushing him to the limit. every sensation that he feels is so intense, he can hardly handle it, it takes every ounce of self-discipline in his body to keep himself from finishing early, but that’s what you get for edging him right before. you put him at a huge disadvantage.
“wait for me..” you whisper, “wanna cum with you..”
he nods his head, his eyes squeezed shut as a trembling breath escapes from his lips. he's trying his hardest to wait for you to finish, the urges and sensations within him are overwhelming and he feels as though he might explode at any moment.
and he does unfortunately, just a moment early, but it kick-starts your orgasm so for the most part, you’re both gasping and moaning and breathing fast and shaky and helpless together, hands grasping at any skin they can reach as you’re pulled ever closer to him. he sticks his head into the crook of your neck as your pretty pussy squeezes around him. he feels breathless and helpless, holding you like he’d die without you. he feels your heavy breath and your hands tightly gripping him, you must be completely gone, orgasm hitting you in waves that squeeze every drop of cum out of him.
you’re his, he realizes. completely, utterly his. you need him. you can’t go on without leon and there is nothing more pleasing than being your lifeline. your face makes that cute little pout, dried bloody fingers making his shoulders red, but this time it might just be his blood. your nails are digging into him, but he can’t blame you. you’re too lost in pleasure to realize what you’re doing.
once you both start to slow and calm down, breathing returning to a more normal pace, you lean down to rest your head on his chest. 
after a moment, you ask him, “are you really gonna marry me?”
“mhm,” he hums, fingers brushing against your head, licking his thumb to try and rub off the dried blood on your forehead, “i'll get you a ring and get down on one knee and everything.”
“what will our wedding be like?”
“whatever you want, princess,” he closes his eyes, “i don't have a single care in the world about what flowers you pick or if you want to invite people or if you just want it to be us two and an officiant in the empty wedding chapel. i just want to call you my wife. my sweet, pretty wife. my girl. my only love.”
you giggle, nuzzling closer into his chest, “detective kennedy. my husband,” you grin cutely, “my leon. mine.”
burgundy drips from his fingertips as he brushes them against your cheek, “yours.”
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murobrown · 7 months
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#it's that time of the month when I just want to sell my uterus on black market with human organs#the week leading up to my period is far more worse than the actual period#it made me gain 2 kg and I can't stop freaking out about it...i know i lose them every month but my brain won't leave me alone#it's making me want to starve myself or just work out until i collapse#tmi sorry...how is your Friday evening?#I'm bored and I'm deciding between going to bed before 11 pm or let my brain torture me a little bit more#I don't even think I'm excited about the weekend anymore because it means I'll have to eat again#you just eat and work out and eat and work out and try not think about the calories because we're not doing thay anymore#but deep down my brain still knows the numbers and won't let me go over 900 calories#i perfected my body but destroyed my head even more#i shouldn't say thay but maybe it's worth it#feeling happy in my own skin is the best feeling in the world#and I know I'm shallow because of that but for the first time in my life i like my body#i actually like all parts of my body#and knowing that i did it with all that hard work feels even better#but on the other hand now I'm just too scared I'm going to lose it all if I eat a cookie after lunch#i think I'm too deep into this#is it bad that I like the feeling of bones under my skin?#am I becoming delusional?#that's what a menstrual cycle does to a emotionally unstable woman#it makes me feel angry that out of four weeks in a month i get like max two weeks when I feel good and normal#all of that for nothing#anyway maybe it's time to stop myself..
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buckynats · 1 year
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#feeling very. Bad lately#in a despondent 'there is no future at least not for me' kind of way#hard to feel optimistic about anything. if I think for more than five minutes about the more than immediate day to day future#I get lost in a fugue of scenarios that will never come to pass because I'm too willing and ready to just be a tool and not a person#to everyone in my life and somehow still pretend day in and day out that I'm actually living a life#I constantly feel like I'm sixteen years old and never got the guidebook for life beyond hs#don't have a job and can't find one without access to transportation and my hours would be severely limited by my caretaking duties#ostensibly I have all the free time in the world right and just absolutely no drive to do anything at all with it#except lay in bed and suffer anxiety over everyone else's problems and my limited/un-ability to solve all of them#logically I am aware this is ridiculous and self-sabotaging and also impossible and also NOT on me to fix#but I've never been any good at treating myself the way I feel the desire to treat everyone else. my problems aren't worth fixing etc#life is and just always has been something that happens to other people#and most days I'm fine with that. I can find some silly interest to lose myself in and not think about it.#I'm very good at disappearing somewhere else. I don't need to exprience anything. my brain is great at theater#but right now it's just nothing. and so reality crashing in on many sides at once is destroying me a bit#I've also got a migraine right now so that helps tremendously. obviously#maybe if I make dinner now before I become completely useless I can just go to sleep early#I know this'll pass. It is what it is. I'm just Tired. and wish everything were different. y'know.
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noxtivagus · 2 years
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nah fuck
#delete later#when i said i was okay i genuinely was fine save for the physical pain but#how quick words that were once truths turn into lies huh?#ah fuck i want to block out the whole world. i want to destroy it all. it's all so fucking worthless#maybe hormones r just fucking me up rn n i'm just emotional but#no bcs i was doing emotionally decent earlier but i just rmbered smth n i feel like crying again#i want to disappear i want to hide i want to say goodnight#stupid mood swings . n i rmber again abt all the things i have to do rn & i want to focus on myself n my work but#it's september rn right?#two years ago i think i was in a similar predicament where i was drifting from both reality and fiction. from my life in general#distancing myself from others. stuck in that oblivion#i don't know why i've been more keenly remembering 2 years ago recently.#nah actually it's probably bcs they were the friend grp i had back then that i cld really share n be myself freely#but they knew the good n bad of me. ultimately decided to let me go in one of the darkest times of my life#which damaged me for a while bcs i struggled believing i was deserving of better but i ultimately became my own best friend#but that time in general was. a time where i was alone. deep in my passions. idling my time#a bit empty a bit lost. not exactly sure what i was doing in my life but i was content being alone before i realized how nice it was to#share yourself. if i wasn't alone then i'd love that again but in times where i'm tired n drained i just make even more failures#n i'm not sure how to face the ppl i care for when i'm dealing w the guilt of not doing more of what i could be capable of in a moment#from cringe tumblr stuff to irl problems. they supported my writing in a time where it was hard for me to have consistent inspo/motiv#nah every year i swear i meet new people n the story repeats. different ppl different chapters but same trope#last year with ffxiv. mostly the only ppl i talked w for the year ever since joining that fc in june. n to october i barely talked w others#this year i've been more attuned to my reality but i think i've been slowly losing sight of a part of myself that was strong#when i was alone. but i'm afraid that i'll experience that emptiness again from late 2020 to early 2021#video games in general & ffxiv specifically helped fill that emptiness. it healed me.#i don't rmber much in those months other than ffxiv bcs i was still numb from smth unexpected that happened in earlier months#april i was stuck in the free trial n though i was enjoying myself i rmber feeling so lost n falling behind. finally buying on sale saved m#i'm too tired to think abt the present or future rn but that feels like a failure on my behalf n i can't rest#but then it also just still hurts. the same things. my friends are closer with others. when have i ever been the first choice?#everyone's special though. i'll keep on being myself then surely what is meant to happen will fall in time
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deadsetobsessions · 3 months
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Alley Drunk! Danny AU- Part 1
[Pt.2] [Pt.3] [Pt.4]
To not turn into a giant raging asshole hell bent on murdering people and destroying the world after everyone he loved died, Danny had ran from Amity with his chosen vice.
A bottle. That’s right. Even after Jazz’s talks about alcoholism as a poor coping mechanism as a form of self harm, he still chose alcohol. Or maybe that’s why he picked it, because it reminded him of her, right before the booze took the sting of grief off of her memory. He was never really all that good at listening to Jazz.
And now she’s gone, so it’s moot point. Danny really hated Nasty Burger.
Danny made it all the way to Gotham, bottle constantly glued to his hand. It’s better than Vlad’s creep-o-self looming over him all of the time. He bummed out on the streets, fitting into crime alley like a native. Danny learned to pickpocket. Not much, just enough for a bottle when his ran out. He stayed human. At first he tried to convince himself that it was because he didn’t want to be perceived as a meta in a city where Batman notoriously disliked metas. Then, as he sunk deeper, he admitted to himself in a shameful curl of a whisper that it was really because alcohol affected his human side much easier.
Ghosts need an ungodly amount of alcohol to even get slightly buzzed. Danny’s human side? Only one full bottle the shittiest tequila he could find could even hope to be more than buzzed. It sucked.
He’s spent two years being an alcoholic that didn’t actually get that drunk. Technically, underage drinking was a crime. But then again, so was being a vigilante ghost. So, whatever. He does what he can to dull the grief. Mostly, he slept on covered and hidden nooks on top of Crime Alley’s roofs. Gotham city had taken pity on him and cleared her smog clouds when he was awake at night. Stargazing helped, at least. It gave him a little hope. It gave him a little wish to change and better and live like he wants. But then the night ends and when the day comes, Jazz isn’t there. Sam isn’t there. Tucker isn’t there. His mom and dad are not there.
Danny always went back to the bottle, in the end. Not that it did much.
Which was why, when he saw three looming figures over a tiny child, Danny’s saving people thing flared with a vengeance and his surprised ectoplasm burned what little buzz he had achieved by downing most of the bottle away, leaving him stone cold sober and pissed.
Danny sighed, dumping the rest of the nasty tasting liquid out. There’s no point drinking that little.
He approached the trio, who were beating up an actual child. Ancients, he hated Crime Alley sometimes.
“Give me your shit, you little punk!” Asshole 1 decided to say like a typical mugger, raising his leg to kick the curled up kid below. Danny doesn’t let him land the kick, smashing the bottle on the asshole’s head before any of them clocked his presence. He pivots, pushing a bit of that extra strength he normally keeps on a tight leash into his hands, and punched the other two in a quick fashion, knocking them out.
With that taken care of, Danny turned back to the kid who was still curled up. Danny sighed again, the trembles in small shoulders plucking on his heartstrings.
“You okay, kid?”
The kid uncurls, and Danny stared. Holy shit, is he looking into a mirror? Blue eyes, black hair, and tanned skin. Holy shit, he’s even got similar jaws to Danny.
“Huh.”
The kid flinched.
“Y-y’er the drunk,” the kid flinched again, eyes darting to the broken bottle still clenched in Danny’s hand. “I- I ain’t got money, honest. Please-”
Danny blinked down at the kid, brain connecting the dots after so long without actual interaction. He’s panicking and staring at the bottle in Danny’s hand like it’ll kill him. Danny raised the bottle and the kid closed his mouth with a click, terror worming its way into the kid’s eyes.
“I wasn’t going to mug you myself, kid.”
“But- y’er the- the Alley drunk.”
Danny blinked. Did he get a reputation without knowing again? Goddammit.
“I guess. Am I famous or somethin’?”
“Nobody- nobody fucks wit’ ya.”
“I also don’t hurt kids.”
“…”
The kid stared at him dubiously and with a sinking feeling, Danny realized that maybe the kid already had some terrible experiences with a heavy drunken hand. He promptly chucks the bottle further into the alley.
“I drink, yes. But I’m also not the kind of scum that would lay hands on a kid, let alone anyone that didn’t provoke it first.”
“Oh.” The kid uncurled more, looking at Danny warily, more at ease now that the bottle has left the chat.
“Yeah. I’m Danny. Stone cold sober, right now.”
“…”
Danny waited.
“Peters.”
“Okay. Peters, do you wanna take their shit?” Danny pointed a thumb at the knocked out would-be-muggers behind him.
“Y… yeah, sure. What’s my cut?”
“All of it.”
Peters stared.
Danny shrugged and started looting.
"Y'er so fuckin' weird."
----
See, the thing is, Danny hadn't anticipated saving Peters- "'s actually Jason"- would result in having a duckling following him around. The kid, Jason, glared at everyone who even looked at them wrong. But that's not the problem, because Danny could take anyone who took issue with Jason's looks, it's more like there's a child following him around now and Danny doesn't want to be the reason Jason turns into an alcoholic. It's- well, it made him cut down on the drinking. He even got jobs- legitimate jobs that sucks out his his poor ectoplasmic soul.
Why? Because Jason's apparently homeless. While that's something Danny's okay with for himself, he can't ever condone that for an actual child. Jason's walking around in threadbare clothes and thin soled shoes in the middle of Fall, for Ancient's sake.
Danny grumbles as he piled a bunch of clothes into the shopping bag as he checked out. Gotham's Walmart is a different kind of hell, but Danny feels right at home.
Sure, the work might suck out his soul and he might hate being sober, but Jason's face every time he comes home to an actual place to live, warm clothes, and food was worth everything.
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hs-is-loml · 1 year
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Don't Make Me Say It Again. (x.t)
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Pairing: Xavier Thorpe x Fem!Addams!Reader
Summary: blurb! xavier is close to snapping when you don't realize what he has been hinting.
Warnings: mutual pining, fluff
a/n: okay, another one before i go torture myself in actually reading my textbook that i haven't picked up in weeks.
masterlist
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“Shouldn’t you be with your sister?” Xavier questioned as you tied on your apron.
“No, she wanted to work at pilgrim world for some odd reason. I would rather die than dress up as a colonist,” you informed the boy.
“That doesn’t surprise me.”
“Hey, Y/N! Need a hand?” Tyler called out from behind the counter as you and Xavier cleaned the tables.
“Already got one,” you replied back pointing to Thing wiping the table.
“I thought I told you and your sister that he was bad news,” Xavier whispered to you as he reached over to grab a mug on your side of the table.
“Twice actually, but I couldn’t care less about him. Wait. Enlighten me,” you turned to face him.
That was when you noticed how close you two actually were. Though you were standing around a foot away from each other, it was concerning how he seemed to step closer to talk.
“It happened last Outreach Day. I was working on a mural for the town then he and his friends come up and start attacking me. They destroyed the mural and left me with bruised ribs. People like him don’t like people like us,” he explained.
“Hm.”
“It’s not like you would care anyways, right?” Xavier scoffed walking off to the next table.
“It seems like he’s changed, quiter softer now, which is disappointing,” you admitted as you followed Xavier. “Why do you care so much if I talk to him though?”
“You’re kidding.”
“Why would I kid?” you blanked.
“Open your eyes, Y/N! I have been here on your side this entire time, and you still don’t get it?” Xavier snapped banging the table with the tub full of plates and mugs taking a step closer to you. “Sometimes it’s unbelievable how little empathy you have for others.”
“Xavier,” you breathed out taking a step back.
“I like you, Y/n. What do I have to do for you to see that?” he followed in taking a step closer.
“You know I don’t actually like Tyler, right? You might be an imbecile and infuriating but-” you hinted.
“Really know how to make a guy blush,” he let out a small laugh.
“It’s the attributes I like about you though,” you muttered under your breath.
“What was that?” he mocked.
“Don’t make me say it again,” you deadpanned looking down on the floor avoiding his gaze.
“No, I don’t think I heard you the first time,” he joked he lifted your chin with his hand. “What did you say?”
“I’m not saying it again.”
“You gonna let me kiss you?”
“Depends,” you answered.
He moved his hand from your chin to the back of your neck pulling you into a kiss. You found yourself kissing him back wrapping your arms around his neck. You could feel him smile into the kiss. You didn’t kow how long you to stayed there for until you heard a cough behind you.
“Seems like you’ve had fun working,” Wednesday said unimpressed as she pulled you away from Xavier. In which he just laughed as you tried to get your arm out of Wednesday’s grip.
"Wednesday, why do you always have to grab the same arm," you whined as she dragged you out.
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hikarry · 3 months
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I say Crowley became paranoid after season 1 for two reasons and two reasons only:
He has had a taste of what losing Aziraphale feels like and it destroyed him to the point of "Fuck Armageddon. I'm gonna drink myself to oblivion and wait for the end of the world to take me" (smells like low-key suicidal behavior to me but alas) and he doesn't want to feel that way again
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He saw with his own two eyes how eager Gabriel (and Heaven in general) was to destroy Aziraphale and how stupidly happy that idea made him.
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He can't live without Aziraphale
He would rather be destroyed with the rest of the world instead of fighting to save it like it was HIS original plan because he thought Aziraphale was dead
Crowley knows their body switching stunt worked but he has anxiety. His mind will keep feeding him with questions like "For how long will they believe it without further investigation?/will they actually leave us alone before coming for Aziraphale again?"
His paranoia is the reason why he got so upset over Aziraphale wanting to shelter and help Gabriel
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After all these years of being afraid Heaven would come and take Aziraphale away from him, now the angel wants to help the guy that tried to kill him and that very conveniently claims to be amenisiac? I don't know about you but I wouldn't believe Gabriel/Jim easily either
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The worst part is: his paranoia was correct. Heaven did come and took Aziraphale away from him but in such a twisted way the angel chose to go instead of being forced to
He has had this fear since Armageddidnt. He has tried to keep his peaceful existence with Aziraphale by any means necessary just to watch his fears play in front of him in the most cruel way possible
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lunahearts · 2 months
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Okay I'm doing it. I'm chapter 96 posting.
This is not meant to be a big analysis post this is mostly just me sharing all the little moments that Marcille & Laios show their care for each other because they are SO beloved to me. Join me on the journey if you wish.
(but also the above statement may be a lie. I do have a point here, it turns out, and the point gets at some of my Big Feelings of what Dungeon Meshi has to say about the nature of friendship & living in the world)
So, first of all, the conversation about Laios being king at the start of the chapter. Just in general Laios insisting on presenting himself in his own way here is so good. Character development!!
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Before the events of the story he hadn't shared his inner world with anyone but Falin. Now he's like Actually I'm gonna dress up in the discarded remains of my monstersona and that's just how it is.
And even though there are a LOT of parts of the story and bits of character growth that go into this, I think it specifically highlights some interactions from a few chapters ago.
After all, his initial reaction to having been in that monster form & coming out of it was trying to hide from everyone.
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And I think everyone helping him put things in perspective here contributes to how he is able to present himself as king. They assure him that he is accepted, despite having just been seen by EVERYONE at his Peak "Weird Monster Guy" mode.
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Highlighting what Marcille says here especially:
Going out to "face them with a smile" is EXACTLY what he does. Not right away. He's still pretty stressed in the following scene in this chapter. But he is able to face the crowds with a smile, eventually...
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As king. Dressed in the memory of his most vulnerable moments, the most honest expression of his desire.
BUT I'M GETTING A LITTLE AHEAD OF MYSELF. Before the King Laios speech, there's a little moment with Marcille I want to highlight, because...
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Did y'all know that by the end of the manga, Marcille isn't like... grossed out by eating monsters any more? Or at least, she's definitely changed her reaction to it. It's Namari who makes the "yeah it smells good despite what it is" comment, not Marcille.
We even get shots later of Tansu, Shuro, and Kabru being kinda grossed out by - but still going ahead and eating - the different Falin foods. Chilchuck also throws out a line about it being surprised that it's good.
But there's no disparaging comment from Marcille, despite the Everything of the situation. I just think that's also a nice little detail. She may not be as far in the monster eating game as Laios, but she's more willing to roll with the weirdness.
So after this little moment, this is when Laios comes out in his new regal outfit. And first of all...
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This is such a good contrast to the moment when the group goes to save Marcille in chapter 84. The monsters had stopped attacking, and everyone's reactions to Laios and the others framed him as unsettling. Creepy. Maybe even traitors.
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They even use some of the same labels (lord of the monsters/lord of the dungeon, dark lord/demon king)., but the context is that they are disgusted. The parallels in this manga....
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Have a tendency to destroy me. What a difference in reception.
Anyway, after this moment, Laios stops to talk to the group... and I'd like to point out again: MARCILLE ISN'T FLIPPANT HERE EITHER!!
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Chilchuck is still Chilchuck, of course, and I want to be clear I love that, too. Chilchuck is who he is to his core. His little jabs are very affectionate in this chapter.
But Marcille... Marcille only points to the Winged Lion symbol as being weird, not the monster bits. And like, considering what she's just been through with the lion, being skeptical of that part is... fair.
(don't get me wrong, her "that's fine and all" isn't exactly excitement. BUT the point I'm trying to make is less about her completely changing her feelings & preferences. It's more about how she expresses them, and how she treats Laios and HIS feelings & preferences)
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And she continues to be so encouraging!! Wah!! Like, despite, all four of these people definitely caring about Laios, it's Marcille specifically who tells him to relax and just be honest. And you know what? I think that's what Falin would have said, too.
Please also note how cute everyone's little faces are in the crowd:
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(see, Chilchuck loves him too!! Look at that fond face, and the cheer. and Senshi! and Namari! They really are such a family)
Laios' short speech actually has a little bit I'd like to highlight as well, since I think it is a nice little reflection of his choice to keep the lion insignia on his new outfit:
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"Eat to your heart's content," he says. Not just "enjoy," or "let's eat."
Dunmeshi does such a wonderful job of framing so much about the Winged Lion with nuance, and this is a good example of that. Desire is not bad! Craving and consuming is beautiful. As Laios says when explaining the lion insignia...
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It's not just something to get rid of.
So then... on to the feast!
And not only does Marcille not express any grossed out feelings, as I mentioned before... she even helps to gross out Chilchuck!!
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Her weird girl powers are only just in their infancy. She will only grow more powerful in time...
As the feast goes on of course we get the group's realization about her hair, and I'd like to point out:
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I really feel like they have such similar reactions to finding out about how the other has been affected by the Winged Lion
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Just... the quiet concern. Not making a huge fuss, but... worried. Understanding. A little heartbroken for each other.
SPEAKING OF HEARTBROKEN REACTIONS THOUGH. WHAT COMES NEXT REALLY GETS ME.
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After Chilchuck braids Marcille's hair for her, the topic of her needing to leave everyone comes up and...
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God, these expressions. Every Time I see these panels I think about about what Laios saw in her nightmare. Her fears. The weight of inevitable loneliness, and the way it has marked her. As much as Marcille tries to keep things light when talking about it, he knows what this means to her. And it HURTS.
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So he doesn't accept it. But do you notice how he frames this. Do you see. Not "do you want me to fix this." Not "hey I have an idea."
"Would you be willing to stay."
He doesn't know whether she will accept. Whether she will hate the idea, actually, of staying here with him. He's putting himself out there fully prepared for rejection & dismissal, as he has faced many times before.
But his pitch, his proposal to her, it's not JUST an excuse to ask her to stay, either. He's put thought into this. Into what Marcille could mean and do here. Not just to and for him, but for the people of this area. The place he has taken responsibility for.
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He's also thinking about Falin. And about all the other little girls, the people of all sorts, just like her. He's thinking about the people who have been killed (burned at the stake???), hurt, shunned. About the people who have been abandoned. The people who are still alone.
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He's not just offering Marcille an out from her isolation, he's offering her a new purpose. A new way to continue her work, to do the things she cares about. He SEES her! he understands her.
BUT ALSO HE'S SO NERVOUS OUGH. FIDDLING WITH THE PLATE. UNSURE IF SHE WILL CARE. UNSURE IF HE HAS IT RIGHT.
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HE'S NOT GOOD WITH PEOPLE HE'S NOT GOOD AT THIS.
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BUT THEY UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER. AND SHE WANTS THIS LIFE HE'S OFFERING HER.
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Still... it's not that simple for her, even if for a moment she is swept up in how much she wants this.
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Again here, Marcille is working so hard to be chill about the whole 'going west with the elves' thing. She looks absolutely devastated in the first panel, but puts on a smile in the second.
Maybe she doesn't want to bring down the mood. Maybe she doesn't want to burden everyone with what seems like the only option she has. Maybe she had already accepted the cost that might come with bringing Falin back. Maybe after everything with the Winged Lion, she doesn't want to risk letting herself fight for her desires too hard.
But hey. Desires aren't always bad. They aren't something to just get rid of.
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A small bit of visual storytelling here... I love that Marcille is confined by the panel, but Laios is stepping outside of it. He's literally pulling her outside of the box she feels trapped in.
Also, I love that his first acts as king are:
1) welcome everyone to a big feast
2) stand by his friend and help her find happiness
It's great stuff and it's so Laios.
In addition to that, I love how this whole act actually plays out. I love that, while getting the elves to let Marcille go, he gets to be extremely cool and protective...
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but also like. Not THAT cool and protective.
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No really, I mean it! I think it's important! It's important that cool 'suave king guy Laios' is a front he puts up when he needs to deal with these strangers, and one that he completely drops once it's just him and Marcille.
He's not trying to impress her, or convince her he's cool and suave. Why would he? He trusts that she's okay with the messy, often unimpressive, sometimes kinda gross reality of who he is.
And isn't that what Dungeon Meshi is all about? Messy, unimpressive, gross reality. And how beautiful, how wonderful, how very precious it is
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Especially when you get to share it with your friends.
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burrito-fight · 3 months
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logical - luke castellan
notes: based off of logical by olivia rodrigo :), gif not mine <3 there are time skips after every lyric chunk, it'll make sense when you read it. first fic, please like and reblog :))
warnings: toxic!luke , angsty
word count: 1k, including lyrics
my masterlist!
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Master manipulator God, you're so good at what you do
“You believe me, don’t you?” Luke asked, his voice sweet like nectar.
You heard the stories about what Luke had done to Percy. Chiron had sat you down and talked to you, Percy came in and told you, Annabeth cried about it, and even your siblings and random campers checked in on you to make sure you were okay. Or perhaps they wanted to see if you were on Luke’s side.
You weren’t sure.
But no matter how many times you heard what Luke had done, you wanted to hear from him yourself. You knew he did it, you just didn’t know why. You were still holding on to the idea that there was good in him.
Which was why you were even out here in the city, making arrangements immediately after getting that letter, to talk to Luke.
He was good at that. At making you forget everything and come running to him.
He was also good at convincing you he did what had to be done.
“Y/N?” he asked, concern in his voice.
You knew he didn’t actually care. But he was good at manipulating you into thinking he did. Maybe he wasn’t good at that and you just wanted to believe he cared.
“Yeah, I believe you.” 
Come for me like a savior And I'd put myself through hell for you
Your feet pounded against the ground, the blood in your veins growing hotter as you ran.
You weren’t like most demigods. You didn’t like fighting monsters. It didn’t come naturally to you.
But the monsters still found you.
At the sound of the monster’s growling growing closer, you took a sharp turn and entered an alley. Almost immediately, you regretted that decision. The alley was wide, but it was a dead end. 
Which meant the only way out was to fight.
You faced the entrance to the alley, no doubt the monster was going to enter soon, and took out your sword. You’d die fighting if you had to.
But you didn’t even have to fight.
At the sound of a pained hiss, you made your way out of the alley, only to see Luke standing above a monster horn, sword out and breathing heavily. 
He ignored his spoil of war, turning around to find you staring at him like he was a knight in shining armor. 
“Did it get you?” he asked, coming closer and inspecting your face for any scratches or bruises.
You shook your head, affirming that you were okay.
Maybe you didn’t die fighting, but you’d die going through hell for that boy.
Hear all the rumors lately That you always denied
“He’s growing a monster army,” Percy shook his head in disgust. “He said he wants to create a new age, and bring Kronos back. He’s not bringing balance, he’s destroying the world.”
You nodded along with Percy, feigning disgust and giving the right response when needed. The campers didn’t fully trust you, but Percy often kept you updated on Luke through his dreams and quests. It was as if he knew you were caught in the middle of it and wanted to keep you away from Luke’s side.
It was a good idea, but Luke was always two steps ahead. He was in contact with you immediately, trying to deny rumors and battle plans that Percy accused him of.
No matter how much he denied them, you knew what the truth was.
And still, you couldn’t bring yourself to hate him.
And I fell for you like water Falls from the February sky But now the current's stronger No, I couldn't get out if I tried But you convinced me, baby It was all in my mind
Whenever you thought about loving Luke, you realized it didn't happen all at once.
It was a little, every time he offered you a chocolate bar from when he got the satyrs to get something from outside of camp. Every time he slowed down to make sure you got the techniques down. Every time he checked in on you, just because he wanted to be sure you were okay.
Before you realized it, you were sinking.
You were sinking under the weight of how much you loved Luke while wondering if he even truly loved you back. Or was it all a ploy to have someone on the inside of Camp?
“It’s too much, Luke,” you told him one day. “Having to sit here and watch while you try to destroy Camp, the one place that’s home. It’s just too much.”
“Don’t you want a better life for us?” he asked, his voice soft and sweet. He was never loud, not with you. “Don’t you want a life where our kids can be happy and not have to worry about glory and the gods? I’m not destroying Camp, I’m destroying the Gods. I’m making a better world, baby. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?”
But was that a better world?
And now you got me thinking Two plus two equals five And I'm the love of your life 'Cause if rain don't pour and sun don't shine Then changing you is possible No, love is never logical
The love you had for Luke would one day be the death of you, you knew that. You’d go to the ends of the worlds for him, while he’d only do it if Kronos allowed him.
He called you the love of his life, he promised that he’d do anything for you, but it was all a lie.
Because he couldn’t change, he couldn’t love, he couldn’t do anything if it didn’t align with his idea of a better world. With Kronos' idea of a better world.
“You knew that,” Percy whispered. “You knew all of that, and you stayed with him. Why?”
You looked ahead, at the gold coffin wherein Luke laid. It was almost done, it was almost time for him to rise. The second Kronos rose, you knew he was going to get rid of you. You weren’t reliable, not to him.
But you were okay with it. In fact, you wanted Kronos to use Luke's body and do it as soon as possible. It was possibly the only thing that could save him.
You looked back at Percy, sighing to yourself. “What can I say? Love is never logical.”
---
tags: @bela-nov
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inbarfink · 2 months
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Okay, so… The ending flashback in “I Remember You” is often assumed by fans to be specifically the moment where Simon and Marcy first met. Like, Simon stumbled on this Weird Gray Kid crying in the middle of the apocalypse, cheered her up with a dolly and only after that Simon started taking care of Marcy full-time. 
However, while this seems to be a pretty logical interpretation of the scene - a look at the original storyboard actually reveals that was not the original intention.
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You can argue whether or not it was properly conveyed in the finished episode, but the intent was supposed to be that these two already knew each other and were already a tiny lil’ post-apocalypse family (‘he has left her alone for some reason’ implies that they would usually be together at this point).
I mean, since this idea wasn’t really all that clear in the actual episode, a lot of people who did know about the storyboard notes (myself included) still assumed it wasn’t really canon. You know, it didn’t seem like such a big deal. What’s the big difference between Simon giving Marceline Hambo on the first day they met or not? What difference does it make?
And even when this idea was discussed, it was generally within the framework of, like, speculating about a possible connection between Simon and Elise (Marceline's Mom). And/or that Marceline specifically knew Simon before the War. Since neither of these ideas ever really came back in the Show itself, most people just kinda forgot about these Storyboard notes - if they ever knew about them in the first place.
It’s only very recently that it suddenly dawned on me; what was the original intent behind that scene, what is the meaning it was trying to convey, why was it so important to specify that Simon and Marcy already knew each other in that flashback. 
If this is Simon and Marcy’s first meeting then the narrative is, like we mentioned above, that lil Marceline was crying in the rubble because she misses her mom or she just really processed that the world has been destroyed, or because she was tired, or hungry. Then Simon sees the poor little girl weeping and immediately sets on to cheer her up and help her in whatever way he can. That is still a very solid narrative that focuses on Simon’s kindness and strong parental instincts. I can see why so many people are attached to it as their interpretation for that scene. It certainly makes sense for Simon’s character overall and Marceline’s relationship to him.
But the intended meaning is actually uniquely important as a part of “I Remember You”. Because the narrative implied by the fact that they knew each other at that point is that Simon has left Marcy alone ‘for some reason’ (scouting ahead? Forging for food in a dangerous area?) and Marcy probably started crying because of that. Maybe he was taking longer to come back than he promised her to, maybe she just started getting anxious because she’s a little kid all alone (who already has abandonment issues pre-packaged from her mom). 
But whatever the specifics are, with this one extra detail of ‘they know each other’ it seems extremely likely that Marceline was crying because she thought Simon had left her forever. 
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But Simon did come back, ran straight to her, comforted her and reassured her that no, he didn’t leave her behind, he’s right here. And then he gives her Hambo as both an apology for leaving her behind and a reassurance.
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A reassurance that he’s still here, and he’s not going to leave her.
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burlowbeanie · 8 months
Text
Locked Tomb Timeline, as far as I can tell
This is a long one, and a bit of a mess. I'll be making other posts about the fun date coincidences and my speculations about their implications, but I figured I should give some of the actual evidence in one solid chonky post so I can link to it and don't need to repeat myself later on.
(BD = before death of the earth; AR = after resurrection; BM = before millennium, AM = after millennium)
Unspecified Pre-Death of the earth: Foundation of Canaan house/the facility that Jod et al used for the cryogenic experiments. Establishment of Kuiper installation, Uranus platform, Mars installation w/ room for 5 million, the Lucifer Telescope, and fusion batteries (Ntn 14, Ntn 74, Ntn 189)
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Now! Some pre-resurrection numbers!
Before 2 BD: C-- sides with the crew (Ntn 13)
1 BD: Governments shift away from the cyrogenics plan (Ntn 13)
0 BD: Jod destroys the world
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Now, the most unclear section of the timeline: the resurrection and its immediate aftermath.
Augustine, from Htn 176: “Alfred and I were there early enough to found the Koniortos Court on the Fifth, but Lyctors like Cyth wouldn’t be born for years and years, and she spent her whole life suffering Seventh House woo-woo theories regarding the value of hereditary cancer … whereas Mercy is the oldest lag except for me, and she was out hammering at the Eighth House before the paint was even dry on the Resurrection.”
The resurrection occurs a few weeks after the death of the earth (Ntn 396). Then things get a bit hazy. We know the approximate order of the resurrections of the original ten disciples, but not how far apart they were staggered - was it minutes? Months? Years?
Similarly, Cyrus/Val and Anastasia/Samael are implied to have showed up before Cytherea/Loveday, when Cytherea was almost 30 years old. Both cavaliers have last names associated with their house, which suggests that either the third and ninth were established enough to at least have a small population by the time that they went to Canaan House, or that they took those names/were given those names later on.
Cytherea-as-Dulcinea says that she "dreamed of being a 9th nun" at age 13, and it's unclear if she's speaking as herself or as Dulcinea or how much she was lying as either persona (Gtn 104). Thus, we don't know if the ninth house was established by the time she went to Canaan House, though it seems like the sort of hint that both Cytherea and Muir would have had a fun time dropping.
Thus, while it is possible/seems probably many/most of the houses were established by the time that any of the newer disciples showed up, especially Cytherea, that is unconfirmed. However, it took until at least 30 years after the resurrection, probably more, for all 16 of the disciples to gather.
A rough order of events during this time, some of which may overlap:
Original disciples resurrected
New disciples arrive
Lyctors ascend; Anastasia fails
Alecto is put in the tomb and Cassiopeia dies
The lyctors and Jod flee to the Mithraeum, leaving the system
Particular questions that remain and would help clarify things:
Were Anastasia, Samael, Cyrus, Valancy, and Loveday born or resurrected? It seems like Cytherea was likely born.
When did Anastasia have a child and found the tombkeeper line?
When did Pyrrha (or G1deon!Pyrrha) paint a nursury? Was it the same time she visited Anastasia "before she got settled" (Ntn 85)? Was Anastasia's child the birth she assisted at (Ntn 121)?
When was the ninth founded? When was the prison installation founded? Was there anything on the ninth before Anastasia was told to prepare for Alecto's imprisonment? Samael seems to have been born or resurrected after the ninth was founded, unless he was given his name later?
-------------------
After resurrection: Actual Numbers. Once we get like 100-200 years out from the resurrection, things start to get clearer. Not clear, but clearer.
100 AR: God names himself Gaius (Htn 521). Is this when Cytherea ascends, since she is given credit for the "naming oneself after one's cavalier" thing? Or was that some God bullshit?
200 AR: Alecto put in tomb (Htn 478)
4000 AR: source gram comes from sixth house to BOE (Htn 529)
5000 AR: BOE comes to the attention of jod and the lyctors; they may have existed beforehand but been unable to find the houses/be found (Htn 154). Augustine begins questioning the purpose of the empire (Htn 483).
Moving into the thousand years before the events of the series:
9000 AR/ 1000 BM: Matthias Nonius lives (Gtn 53)
750-700 BM: New Rho contract drawn up (Ntn 206)
519ish BM: beginning planning of dios apate major (Htn 474)
300 BM: Cyth gets angry (Gtn 402). Last contact between second and first houses (Gtn 456).
100 BM: Jod leaves the Mithraeum (Htn 81).
80 BM: Jod joins the Erebos (Htn 81)
40-39 BM: G1deon starts to really annoy Augustine, who speaking in 1 AM states: “He has caused me more pain over these last scant forty years than I dare to admit" (Htn 268). I think Wake makes the most sense as an explanation for this, though it's off by about five years.
34 BM: Wake reinvigorates BOE (Htn 154). Ortus born? That’s a fun coincidence that means nothing.
30 BM: Mercy thinks Jod should have returned to the Mithraeum then (Htn 81).
25-24 BM: BOE finds out about resurrection beasts (Htn 275) because Wake talks to G1deon (Ntn 155)
21 BM: G1 begins his (final) pursuit of wake (Htn 469)
Sometime after 300 BM, most likely 20 BM, Cytherea teaches BOE about steles and obelisks (Ntn 155)
20 BM approximately, presumably, could be earlier: Augustine and Mercy talk to BOE. BOE gets accurate fleet schematics for the first time in a hundred years and eventually the location of the mithraeum, though those were probably earlier with Cytherea and two decades later with Cytherea!Wake respectively (Ntn 155)
19 BM: Isaac’s dad killed by terrorists on [redacted], presumably BOE (Gtn 459). Mercy and Augustine are “talking” (Htn 87); Dios apate major. Mercy sees Cytherea for the last time and Cytherea laughs so much she insults Mercy (Htn 120), which is an understandable response given that Mercy may have described the dios apate major plan and/or requested her involvement. Mercy sees Sarpedon as a young soldier (about 20 years PM; close enough and matches up with dios apate) (Htn 81).
19–18 BM: Wake dies (Htn 88). Gideon born. Creche massacre.
17 BM: Harrow born.
14 BM Gideon’s first escape attempt (Gtn 24)
13 BM: Gideon is not a necromancer confirmed (Gtn 24)
10 BM: Augustine sees Cytherea for the last time (Htn 120). Wake’s bones get put on rotation (Htn 476).
9-8 BM: Harrow is suicidal. Harrow opens the tomb. Harrow hears/sees the body. Onset of psychosis. Unclear in what order (Htn 49, 247).
7 BM: (Harrow is still suicidal but sees the body?). Harrow and Gideon fight (Htn 477). Gideon sees Harrow opening the tomb. Her parents kill themselves. Gideon gets nightmares about being in the tomb (Gtn 202).
5 BM: Harrow starts puppeting (?girl wtf?? What was going on in the intervening two years???) (Gtn 348). Last ninth house chaplains and adepts are lost in action (Htn 81).
2 BM: Gideon enters Drearburgh for the last time
1 BM: Number 7 estimated five years from the Mithraeum (Htn 125).
0 BM, with rough approximates:
Month 1-3: prepping for Canaan house
Month 4: Canaan house
Month 5: harrow throws up; Camilla nonverbal
Canaan house recovery missions from the emperor and BOE — what the fuck. Who got there first. How and why did they miss the other people. Seems like BOE got there, intentionally left H and I but took G’s body??????????
Month 6: Harrow and Ianthe arrive on the Mithraeum
Month 8: Harrow kills her 13th planet with Mercy. It’s desert and triple-sunned. Wake makes posthumous contact with BOE (Ntn 155).
Month 9-10: When Judith says she begins writing her report; she’s with BOE on a wooded double(potentially triple?)-sunned planet. At one point several weeks (or months?) later Mercy shows up. According to Judith, that is. Judith honey I might need to recuse your testimony for somehow being more of an unreliable narrator than the lobotomized traumatized psychotic unmedicated half-dead triple-haunted 201-souled Harrowhark Nonagesimus. Then I could bump this back to month 8 which would make more sense.
Month 10: Harrow catches G1d!Pyrrah with Cytherea!Wake
Between Month 10 and Month 12: Harrow turns 18. Harrow discovers G1d can drain thanergy. Harrow makes soup. Harrow makes Ianthe’s arm. Dios apate minor.
Month 12: Harrow finds Cam and Pal on a wooded planet and sees Judith. Judith tries to warn Harrow about Mercy’s involvement.
Mercy ditches her for unspecified business. I suspect this is when she meets with We Suffer? Was this when she heals Judith?
1 AM
Month 2: death of the emperor. Quick undeath of the emperor. Nona born(?)
Month 5: Station Red-As-Blood abandoned (Ntn 152). The demons show up on Antioch (Ntn 448).
Month (6?): Nona gets a job (Ntn 41).
Month 7: nona gets shot, cam/pal fusion reveal (Ntn 105 through the end of the chapter)
Month 8: events of Ntn
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diaprincess-dl · 7 months
Note
First of all, thank you for who you are, and especially for choosing to share it with the world.
I am DL, with very few AB tendencies, if I understand correctly, you are also like that, with a connection to the DL world mainly.
There are very few women in the community in general, and in particular those who are DL. It's really refreshing to see that the first girl I notice that she's DL, she's also the most amazing beauty I've ever seen wearing diapers, and with a face that has real angelic cuteness.
I wanted to ask, and I would be very happy if you could answer, Even if not a complete answer, at least to know that you read and saw what I wrote, it will be very, very flattering to me.
When did you start wanting to wear a diaper? Is it sexual? If so, at what age did you realize it was related to sexual arousal? And if not, what in your soul makes you want this? At what age did you first put on diapers after initial weaning from diapers? And according to the fact that you had, from what I understand, late night wets, did your parents force you to wear a diaper? And when was the first time you put on a diaper in a section where it was clear to you that it was a so-called 'forbidden act'?
Sorry for the flood of questions.
I had a theory that was destroyed because of you, that these are only men can be a DL, because the sexual sensation associated with diapers somehow comes from stimulation and friction of the genital organ at a very young age in a diaper, which causes the brain to develop something very primitive to want a diaper, something that, technically, does not happen with women or should not happen for obvious reasons. And this is the reason that from the very, very basic tests I did, a lot of DL, these are children who were weaned at a relatively late age, 3, 4 and even 5. Then they develop the desire to wear a diaper, and at the age of 13 or so, it develops into something sexual. And that is why women are not DL, because the stimulation is supposed to be a lot more rarer.
One last thing I want to tell you is that the day I see a picture of you with a soaked diaper under your clothes, my day looks like rainbow.
Thank you so much for this!!!
Hiiyaaa 💕👸🏼
Thank you for such a kind message 🤗 I am definitely more into the DL side of things, you are absolutely correct but I do love some aspects of the AB side, I just don’t tend to share them online as much.
So I just started kindof dabbling in the world of diapers a few years ago, but had been wetting my pants and bed (some accidents, some on purpose) for literal years before I discovered the idea of wearing diapers… When I was a teen I went through phases where I would wet my bed like every night on purpose and then try to hide the evidence in the morning from my parents 🤦🏼‍♀️ they mentioned things a couple of times, but nowhere near the amount I was actually wetting the bed… they probably knew though lol.. l I definitely have a watersports kink, absolutely 🙊. Anyway I felt so silly for not thinking about the idea of using diapers sooner but diapers just never occurred to me lol. A few years back I saw my first porn video with another girl in a diaper and I was just in awe and had to try it myself 🤭.
Slowly I started to indulge more and more into blogs and personal ab/dl blogs to the point that I just kindof gradually mentally got myself in a space where I thought that I could try wearing diapers more often, which started off as just at night (when I was 26 to answer one of your questions)…. But somewhere in this phase I realized the convenience aspect of wearing 👀.. I could actually go through a full night in bed without having to get up to pee, so what started as a kink lead to discovering more than just that. I started wearing diapers all night, every night and just got used to waking up and wetting them, but this slowly, and I do mean slowly, about a year of wearing every night, turned into me starting to barely remember waking up to wet and eventually just flat out not remembering/not waking up and wetting myself most nights of the week. This was kindof scary but also turned me on? 🤷🏼‍♀️🤭 sooo I just kept doing it.
Here’s where the “convenience” aspect let me start wearing during the day: long road trips or long days out with my partner meant there was no real good spots to stop for the restroom all of the time. Things like concerts or big gatherings where there is drinking and long lines for the ladies room… I started wearing diapers to some of these things, not much as first but when I’d go back to not being diapered and have to suffer waiting in line, or waiting for a pit stop.. it was those moments that I seriously realized how much better it was being padded 💡 It was a little scary at first wearing diapers in public, especially wetting them.. also especially because I typically wear leggings or short dresses, so there is always some way that it can be seen. I’ve slowly just started to realize most people don’t care what you’re wearing for underwear, especially strangers. Friends on the other hand… 😬🫠 I know that some of my friends have noticed my diapers. I’ve had friends over for wine nights and forgot (on multiple occasions) to throw away my night time diapey and it was folded up on the bathroom floor and two of my friends went in there before I had went in and noticed. I’ve had a leak while waiting for a cab with my other friend and it was just us waiting outside in the quiet and I know she could hear the leaking onto the pavement. I also have multiple pictures on here of a diaper(s) I was wearing for while we were all hanging out…. So like all that and many other random occasions I’m sure lots of my friends know I wear diapers, I’m just waiting for someone to say something 🙊🙊 but part of me knowing they know, secretly turns me on? I’m super weird 🫠
So anyway since I knew there was a really big and accepting community out there for this, I finally got the courage to make a blog on Tumblr. It actually just started out as a personal blog for myself to be honest. Just a place where I could document my progress and share this side of me, for pictures I could go back and look at… I had no idea it would blow up like this. 😳 but I am extremely grateful and happy about it 💕💕
I wear diapers all of the time now, and am 100% nighttime bladder incontinent, and daytime at this point of a year wearing diapers 24/7 and NEVER trying to hold it….. I’m like basically there for daytime incontinence. 2 years ago I could totally hold it for hours like any other girl, but now I legitimately need diapers to keep me ‘dry’. I did it all to myself and part of me can’t believe it, but most of me is really happy I did it to myself 💕
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hypno-thick · 2 months
Text
Thiago: Part 2
(You can find the first part here)
I was sitting on the couch, head in my hands. I still couldn't understand what had just happened. Thiago had touched himself just in front of me, without the slightest shame. He had been sniffing one of my sweaty shoes. On his nightstand there were my dirty underpants. If they had told me, I would never have believed it, even in the weirdest of dreams. Yet it had really happened. - "I'm sorry."
I turned to see him standing by the door of his room, leaning against the doorframe with one arm. His face was saddened, his large eyes conveying a mixture of embarrassment and fright. He had pulled himself together, putting on the same blue synthetic shorts he had on the day of the ritual. I wondered if this was a coincidence. I didn't know what to say, I kept looking at him. There he was, slumped in the doorway, his body half-naked, his eyes naughty and watery. The thoughts in my head overlapped, one second I wanted to scold him, the next second I wanted to jump on him and make him mine. I took deep breaths to calm myself. When my heartbeat slowed, I called him with me to the couch.
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We spent the next hour talking, struggling to make eye contact. He explained that he had been feeling this way for months, that he had started to have feelings for men out of the blue and couldn't handle it. I did not tell him that I knew why, that it was because of my ritual, that it was my unhealthy revenge. Going on with the story, he told me about his first approaches to these new desires, some sudden erections in the locker room kept hidden from his teammates, fears, uncertainties, and doubts. The first gay porn viewed with growing curiosity, the exploration of a new world, new terms, categories, genres, kinks. Then there was awareness and acceptance, apparently occurring because of me. Seeing me so comfortable in my gayness had been an inspiration to him, he told me. Of course, although I wanted it, I did not have a steady partner, but I was still happy and serene in living my sexuality. He told me that it was me that made him so confident, so comfortable. I had to bite my tongue to act like nothing happened; what he didn't know was that he felt this way because of my will actually. I admit that I also felt a slight sense of guilt; I had changed him forever after all, or at least until I remedied it. But then, like a bolt from the blue, he confessed. - "I have to tell you something, though. If I think back to how I was before these new feelings, I am ashamed of myself. I was cocky, conceited, arrogant. I was destroying my body with alcohol and drugs, mistreating the few girls who gave me credit. I was detestable. Instead now, although it's not easy, I feel so peaceful. It's as if I have found a new dimension that is more suitable for me and also for those around me."
He came closer to me, as I looked at him with eyes full of astonishment at the sentences he had spoken. He leaned his head against my shoulder. - "Thank you, really."
I hugged him. He closed his eyes and smiled, sinking his face into my chest. We stayed like that for a few seconds, but it seemed a very long time. When we pulled away, I couldn't help but notice the outline of his hard cock in his shorts. I thought that anyway we had to talk about what had happened earlier, but it was so tender the way he had expressed himself that I was forgiving. I said I would cook something for him, too. He gave me a broad smile and thanked me. I entered into the conversation only when after dinner we were both full and relaxed. - "Listen, Thiago…about earlier, about what happened in your room…"
I would have expected him to turn red with embarrassment. Instead, he looked at me more deeply than before, waiting until I continued. - "…If you liked me, you could have told me in a less…provocative way, let's say. Why did you want me to see you touching yourself while sniffing my shoes, my underwear?"
He got up from the table and reached for my cell phone, left over from earlier on the couch. He put it in front of me, then looked into my eyes. - "I did it because it could have been my only chance. I thought, it's do or die. We are roommates, if I had revealed my feelings to you and you had not reciprocated, as you are still in time to do, I would never have had the chance to realize this erotic dream I have been imagining for so long. You watching me touch myself sniffing your soiled clothing. There, you see…in these months of trying to figure out who I am, I've really discovered this is how I like it. I want to be fucked. And not fucked in a manner of speaking, but really owned, dominated. And by men who are older than me, who give me confidence, real studs to worship. And the first one I think of, in my fantasies, is you."
I kept looking at him shocked, while his eyes did not let go and stared at me intensely. The words coming from his lips were unreasonable, but they were undoubtedly hot. My cock was growing hard, syllable by syllable. Thiago continued: - "So now, let me tempt you one last time, assuming you will let me. Then if what I'm going to do you don't think it's appropriate or you don't like it, you can call the club. I will pack up and we will not see each other again. Just know that I will still keep a good memory of these months; I will not hold a grudge."
He touched my hand that I had left lying on the table, letting our fingers brush against each other for a couple of seconds, then headed back to his room, telling me to stay where I was, there, sitting at the table with the dirty dinner plates in front of me. When he returned, he had no underwear on. His bare feet touched the floor with their toes, rhythmically, as he approached the wall. He was wearing a soccer jersey, perhaps of his team. He moved without exposing his package to me, showing me only his ass. And gentlemen, what a butt. I don't know if it was the soccer activity or some natural gift, but I had never noticed that he had two such perfectly round buttocks. The desire to touch them was too strong, too intense. I not only wanted to touch it, no…I really wanted to stick my whole penis in it. He leaned one hand against the wall, then looked at me. I had never seen such a horny look.
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- " Are you going to spank me, Daddy?"
I was no longer in control of myself. I couldn't tell how fast I moved in that moment, but it felt like an instant. In a blink of an eye I was on him. I had both hands on the partition, his body turned on its back trapped between my chest and the wall. He gasped, a voice I had never heard from him, high-pitched, childlike. Fucking hot. - "I'll take that…for a yes…"
His eyes were half-closed now, shiny and glistening, his cheeks red. Still keeping his ass facing me, insisting on brushing my throbbing cock against his bare buttocks, he turned his head, breathing on my face. He was panting like a little dog, his tongue softly sticking out of his barely gaping lips. I grabbed his buttock, squeezed it hard, almost trying to hurt him. He moaned, then stuck his tongue in my mouth. We kissed like that, for what seemed like very long minutes, his ass squeezed between my hand and my crotch, our lips moist and plump, the perfect stage for the spectacle of our entwined tongues. He was soft, all so soft, despite his toned muscles and light beard his skin was smooth and warm under my fingers. I spanked him a few times, tremendously aroused by his firm ass, Thiago moaned uncontrollably. Only after a while did I break away from his grip, as if I regained lucidity. I looked at him; he, on the other hand, did not understand, he had a confused and worried look on his face. There was no going back, he was my roommate. If things had gone wrong, he would have left after days of freezing within the walls of the house. Besides, he was so young and inexperienced. I suddenly felt a sense of responsibility. Thiago, however, was a perceptive boy, as well as a smart one. I should have known that he would never stop without having everything done to him. That was just the way he was, eager to the end. He turned around, showed me his erect cock peeking out of his soccer jersey. It was not a big penis, it had just a few hairs around its base, but it was beautiful, as well proportioned as his whole young body. He took off his shirt and sat down, slumping against the wall. He held a hand behind his head, showing me his armpit. - "I guess you are continuing to ask yourself a lot of questions. I'll let you ask yourself them, but look at me. I'm yours, all yours, whenever you want."
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Then, he opened his legs, running his index finger over his scrotum and finally over his anus. He gasped, as he brushed himself; he looked like a lusty bitch who was touching himself, his finger inserted to dilate his pussy. I collapsed to the floor, on all fours. He was too irresistible. Then, when I was within a couple of meters of him, he stopped me, putting his foot in my face. The smell of his feet was also extremely exciting. I had never been a fetishist, but at that moment I would have licked every inch of them. I stuck out my tongue, ready to let go, but he stopped; he jumped back up and walked away, leaving me on the floor like a dirty horny dog, watching him go back into his room. As I watched his ass sway, he turned and said: - "This is what you can have. Think about it for one night. Tomorrow I am not going anywhere, you will find me here. If you want me, knock on my room, it will be open tomorrow morning."
Then he locked the door to his room behind him. I stood there, my cock throbbing between my legs. I masturbated wildly, on the spot, cumming on the floor. Then I collapsed on the floor, devastated. Little did I care if he had overheard it all, he had to hear it. Apparently I didn't have to teach him anything; he knew very well how to get what he wanted. And he knew that waiting, damn waiting, would increase the pleasure. I knew I had found myself a really horny little slut.
The next morning I was at his door. I had spent the night in a light sleep, I was trepidatious, but I knew I had to rest. I heard him have breakfast while I was still in bed; I decided not to stop him and wait. When he returned to his room I went out in my turn and got ready. Then, I stood in front of his door, my heart pounding in my chest. I was still thinking about how absurd the situation was. Until two days before, never would I have thought that Thiago could be interested in me, never would I have thought that I could have that effect on me. I took a deep breath. I thought that no matter how bad it could go, it would be foolish to throw away such an opportunity. I knocked with a firm hand. I heard his voice calling me to come in, pushed the handle, and entered.
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The window was open, letting a cool breeze into the room. Thiago was on the bed, already shirtless. He had put my shoes on his feet, I found this unexpectedly arousing. He stared at me with mischievous eyes. - "I'm all yours, Daddy."
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What happened over the next few hours was the best sex of my life. We both wanted every bit of each other, pulled by an animal charge. I had him lean against the window and strip down; I admired him as his young body revealed itself to me, making me extremely horny. His lusty eyes and meaty lips were as hypnotic as his so perfect ass.
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Everything about him seemed to want to be submissive and owned; I was not surprised of this when he first took my cock in his mouth. Panting, he kept touching himself as my penis reached down to his throat taking his breath away. His tongue was insatiable and swirled over my member, making me flush with pleasure. When I came in his mouth, he began to gasp, dripping my hot cum onto my cock, trying not to pull off yet, clinging like a sucker. When he pulled off, he wiped his face with his hand, then licked off the last drops.
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- "That was my first blowjob…was I good?"
He had been more than good, he was masterful. I grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him passionately as the taste of his saliva and cum mingled on my tastebuds. I was already ready to cum one more time. That was how I penetrated him for the first time. When I opened his legs he gasped and stuck out his tongue, like a happy puppy dog. My cock met no resistance entering his ass, as if it was the only right place in the world to stick it. He began to moan with pleasure as we heard the bed creak under the weight of our bodies fucking.
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I got him on all fours, made him lie on his stomach, and we rolled around on the floor like animals in heat. When I finished emptying my cock into his ass in a bursting eruption, also witnessing his copious orgasm, I had the realization that this would not be the last time. I leaned over him, saw his shocked but pleased face. I looked at him intensely and kissed him again, this time more gently. Our cohabitation would become something else, I was aware, but I was looking forward to it.
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flanaganfilm · 9 months
Note
You have spoken about dealing with addiction in the past (congratulations on your sobriety, btw), and Hill House, Midnight Mass, Doctor Sleep, etc, all feature characters struggling with addiction. Do you find a sort of catharsis in writing those characters and their storylines, and do you find that having gone through that affects how you write those characters and their stories? p.s. if the question is too personal, I apologize. You are, of course, free to ignore it.
Happy to talk about it. I was writing about addiction long before I admitted having a problem. Looking all the way back to my student films, many years before Absentia, I can see myself starting to pick it apart. The fact is I was a really shitty drunk. I was absolutely a problem drinker. It was always that way, going back to school - I was never able to handle it, and there were times throughout my life starting very young when that thought would occur to me, and I'd get scared, and then I'd convince myself I was being dramatic and that I had no problem whatsoever.
The truth is that I didn't have an OFF switch, I was inclined to hide my drinking, and the older I got the more self-destructive I became when I was under the influence.
But I was also very committed to the belief that I could handle it, and that I didn't have an actual problem, so for years I'd coast by, telling myself whatever issues I may have had weren't so serious. "Nine times out of ten, I'm just fine - I'm the life of the party," I'd think. I wasn't, though, and soon enough it was 50/50 whether I'd have to make apologetic phone calls on a given hungover morning. And those stretches where'd I'd really let go and drink hard, the person who emerged was less and less like me. It got to the point I didn't recognize him at all - there was this stranger who lived inside, and if he got out, he was could destroy everything I held dear, and he didn't give two shits about it. Looking back at the last decade of my work with the perspective I have now, I can see an escalating subconscious urgency in the way I was talking about alcoholism and addiction. My 2003 student feature Ghosts of Hamilton Street features a wanna-be writer with a horribly self-destructive alcohol problem. The people in his life begin to physically disappear, and the world around him resets as though they never existed at all, so he's the only who notices. I was 25 years old when I made that movie, and looking at it now, the addiction issues are a huge blinking red light all over the movie. At the time, I thought it was just interesting context for the character.
I wrote the opening scene of Midnight Mass (which features Riley Flynn waking up from a blackout drunk driving session to find that he's killed someone) all the way back in 2010, eight years before I finally sobered up. That was always something I was absolutely terrified of - not that I'd die because of my drinking, but that I'd kill someone else and live with the consequences. That was probably my biggest fear for most of my life, if I'm honest. And there were mornings I'd wake up at home and wonder how the hell I'd driven myself there the night before. I remember those mornings with a stomach-turning degree of terror and shame.
It was always somewhat cathartic to write about characters with addiction issues. There's a long stretch between Absentia and Hill House where it appears that I'm not dealing with those themes in my work (though I'd argue there's a subtle addiction meditation at play in Before I Wake that I've only recently noticed), but I was also secretly working on Midnight Mass that entire time, and just pouring all of my thoughts and anxieties about alcoholism into that story. So while Oculus, Hush, Ouija: OOE, and Gerald's Game don't seem to dwell much on addiction, that's really because I was spending my nights pouring all of that into the pages of Midnight Mass, which existed alternately as a novel, a screenplay, and then a series during those years.
Working on Doctor Sleep is what brought it all to the surface for me. Stephen King's novel deals thoroughly with the theme of recovery (The Shining is about destruction of addiction, and Doctor Sleep is about the journey and reality of recovery), and a lot of people in my cast were sober. It was while we were shooting that film that I realized I needed to make a seismic change in my life.
My wife will say that reading the scene in Doctor Sleep where Dan sits at the Gold Room bar in the Overlook was when she knew I was reaching a critical moment. That scene isn't in King's book, and my first draft of that conversation between Dan and Jack was almost fifteen pages long. It's basically a prolonged argument between the addictive and sober voices in my mind, and writing that scene shook something loose in me. I stopped drinking just a few days before we filmed that scene for that movie, and I haven't had a drop since.
But for catharsis, Midnight Mass truly is the most personal piece of work I've ever made. Riley is a very thinly disguised avatar of myself. I look at that series and I see several distinct versions of myself in conversation with each other over more than a decade. I'm glad it took so long to get that show made, because if I'd made it in 2016 like I wanted to, I wouldn't have done a good job - there is no way I could have told that story until I was finally sober. If you listen closely to the AA meeting scenes between Riley and Father Paul throughout the series, you're basically looking directly into my conflicted brain over many, many years.
This year is my fifth year sober, and I spend my days happy, busy, and so grateful that I was able to make those changes before my drinking destroyed my career, my marriage, and my life. I was lucky. I am lucky. But since I finished Midnight Mass, I haven't felt that pull when I'm writing. I haven't felt those themes elbowing their way into my work. That part of me is still in here (it always will be), but I feel like I was somehow able, over many years, to coax it to sleep. I'm sure I'll return to those themes over the years, as I hope to learn more about myself and have more to say... but for now, those voices are peaceful and quiet. I have projects on the horizon that will touch on some of those things (if I'm able to make The Dark Tower, there's some wonderful elements with Eddie's addiction issues that I look forward to exploring) but it feels different.
One of the things I hold onto when I look back at that time is the hope that the work can be helpful to someone else who may struggle in a similar way. And talking to fans, I've heard here and there that it has, and that means the world to me. I think storytellers can't help but use their stories as a mirror, it's one of the ways we take ourselves apart, look at the pieces, and put them back. It's one of the only ways we can see ourselves clearly.
Sometimes we don't even realize we're doing it. It's only looking back that we can see ourselves, and our work, with any real clarity.
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azumasoroshi · 3 months
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happy 12/24-25! i think too often about the “gege hates gojo” jokes because holy shit it is PERSONAL with gege
like yeah he sealed him and killed him but like. every aspect of gojo’s character is just so. gege really said “i’m going to make you the strongest character in the history of ever and you’re going to be cool and attractive and funny and your fans will love you, BUT:
The entire point of your character is that no matter how much power you have, you are helpless to save the people you truly care about
You’re so powerful that the only way you can narratively exist without destroying every enemy in jjk other than Sukuna is to get snatched away, sealed, get your powers taken away, or die (even in the fucking video game you only get a certain number of turns to act before you get yoinked)
You can never escape the system you were born into because your power has become your character
You’ll think you’re changing the system for the better but end up perpetuating the system anyway in allowing children to go on dangerous missions
You cannot supervise said children on dangerous missions because you’re running around Japan like a headless chicken at the whims of the higher ups
You never got the chance to fully grow up because a part of you died when Toji killed you and a part of you died when Suguru left you and what else is there left
Your own desire for power blinded you to your best friend’s depression and it’s one of your greatest regrets yet a part of you still thinks Suguru wasn’t strong enough to keep up which is why you keep saying you want strong allies who can keep up with you and you are just terribly equipped to handle your students’ emotional challenges and insecurities even though you try your best
You will never make any emotional connections as lovely as the one from your youth which you still cry about on the rare occasions you actually sleep
You will only be able to tell Suguru you love him right before you KILL HIM
No matter whether Suguru was your best friend, ex-boyfriend, crush that you never confessed to, or boy you only realized you were in love with after he left you, you will NEVER be able to get over him and an evil brain will use this against you and several people you care about will get fucked over because you cared too much
Even though your students/coworkers sometimes like you the first thing 99% of them think of when they think of you is “The Strongest” and even in your breakup arc Suguru, the one person you wanted to stand by your side and share the title, began to think of you in that way as well and distanced himself from you because of it.
The narrative requires that you be lonely at the top as a direct consequence of your power - even metaphorically, infinity separates you from the rest of the world and your wide range of destruction makes it so allies are a hindrance in battle and you could destroy the people you dare about in seconds (see: thank fuck todo stopped yuuji from stepping into range of purple)
You are going to fight the boy you may or may not have raised from childhood because of the other boy with Sukuna inside him that he asked you to save and you can’t hesitate because the last time you hesitated about someone you cared about you got sealed and people died
You may or may not have died to the strongest curse of all time and are left forever unsatisfied even in death because not only was your culty/cunty best friend not there to cheer you on, but you think Sukuna couldn’t even go all out against you, the strongest sorcerer of your time, despite strength being your whole thing
and as a bonus, you also “died” after cockily saying “Nah I’d win” which will get extensively memed on the internet at your expense”
like not to woobify gojo or anything but oh my god jesus fucking christ gege
he was like “ill make you hot as a treat mostly for myself because i like drawing hot men but you’re going to be so incredibly fucking doomed by the narrative in every possible way”
like he loves drawing shirtless men but he never drew gojo shirtless like gege!! GEGE!!!! what did he DO to deserve this level of narrative ire omfg
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stratusjay · 6 months
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Broken Pact
I am sorry it got a bit out of hand. Well I still hope you enjoy it.
Age 3
-Holà! I am Alba. Your plush looks cute, this is mine, his name is Raoh, What’s yours ?
-It’s Jack. I breathe out.
Alba looked confused for a second, she didn’t hear what her new friend said.
-You know Raoh is really nice. He won’t hurt him, he wants to be friends with your sheep but for that he needs to know his name.
-His name is Jack, I am Y/N. I say a little louder.
-Holà Y/N, holà Jack! Want to play on the toboggan ?
The two girls went ahead to play and spent the whole day together. At home that same time, they spent their evening talking about each other to their family.
Age 9
-Y/N! Come on! I want to play, speed up!
-Alba! Wait!
Bam, the second child fell on the floor, trying to break her fall, she put her hands before her making them hit gravel at the same time as her knees. She sat up. Her friend came back to check on her.
-Y/N are you okay ?
She got the gravel out of her knees and hands looking to make sure there wasn’t anything in the scratches.
-Mamà is gonna kill. My pants are done with the ones with grass stains, those are the third I destroy in the last weeks.
-Ouch! Yeah she will kill you ? Are you hurt? Do you want to get your scratches cleaned up ? 
-No it’s okay. It doesn’t hurt that much, let's go to the park.
The girls played in the playground imagining worlds where they were princesses or female knights, they slayed dragons, saved witches  and rejected ugly and annoying princes.
In the late afternoon, a middle aged woman came into the park, looked around, spotted them and an older girl who had arrived later and was playing football on the vacated grass field and called them over.
-Mamà!! shouted two voices. The two more similar girls came running hugging the older women.
-Holà mi hijas, said the women with a smile hugging them both and kissing the top of their head.
-Holà Senora Putellas.
-Holà Y/N, how are you doing ? Happy to sleep at ours ?
Y/N nodded excitedly.
-Oh Y/N, did you fall down ? It’s okay we are gonna clean that home okay ? And did your mamà put another pair of pants in your stay over the bag ?
-Nope, I made it myself.
-Okay in that case what about patching up your trousers yourself too. I have some funny knee patch that I created for Alexia when she kept scratching up her pants just like you. Come on girls let’s go we have things to do and your dad is waiting at home for his girls.
Age 14 
-Mamà, can I go see Y/N ?
-Wow are you sick ? Teased Eli.
-Why ?
-Well normally you don’t ask ?
-So ? Can I go ?
-Sure just come back for dinner and if she is alone at home. Invite her, okay ?
-Ok.
Alba went out, crossed the street in diagonal two houses down the street and knocked at the door and turned the handle down pushing the door open. Like usual the door opened without resistance, she went in and took the stairs opening the first door on the second floor. She let out a muffled scream and went completely still from shock.
-What the heck did you do to your hair ?
-Oh! That well it was annoying when I played football so I cut it short ?
-Are you asking me or telling me ?!
-Well telling you.
-Did you really have to cut that short ? You look like Alice Cullen with blond hair in twilight!
-Hey she is hot, I don’t have a problem with that.
-Yeah well you don’t have Ashley Greene physics so… It’s just weird. Actually it might be even shorter than Alice Cullen pixie. Who cut it ? 
-Me. Mamà said  I did the quote sign in the air “there is no way she would let me cut my hair” so I took scissors and cut myself, then she took me to a hairstylist so they could do damage control.
-You are an idiot. Alba deadpanned.
-Yeah, yeah but now it’s out of the way. Okay. One stop looking at me like that. And two what are you doing here ?
-Oh yeah right.
Alba threw herself on Y/N’s bed, and sighed. Y/N dropped her pen on her notebook and abandoned her Math problem to pay attention to her best-friend. Alba began talking into the pillow, which muffled everything she said. Y/N leant over her bed to take an old sheep plush on the shelf above her bed, she put it next to the pillow facing Alba, who had followed the shift in the air and was now looking at the sheep.
-Holà Alba, it’s Jack remember me ? Y/N and me we didn’t understand **** of what you said so could you repeat please ? said Y/N in a funny voice. 
Alba smiled and took Jack laughing.
- I said that Matteo asked me to be his girlfriend.
-We are fourteen, said Y/N dumbfounded.
-No shit. Fourteen, it’s teenagers love don’t you think.
-Uh maybe, what are you gonna do ? asked Y/N bringing her knees up to her chest and put her heels on the seat of her chair.
-Well since a bit of time now, I know that Ale is going out with one of her teammates and you remember the new girl at school. The cute girl from class B.
-Yeah, I remember her. She is in the volleyball team too.
-Oh I didn’t know that, well I think I have a crush on her. Do you think I should ask her out ?
Y/n shrugged, an annoyed look passed on Alba who opened her mouth but was stopped by Y/n’s hand going on the back of her neck and began rubbing it, thinking. Alba closed her mouth and waited.
-I think that, what you want and how you want to do is what you should focus on. But, she looked at Alba sternly, you should be clear with Matteo. And maybe try to befriend the poor girl before you jump on her. But you know we are young, we should experience obviously.
-Oh so you have your eyes on someone ? teased Alba.
-Ass. You know that I don’t care about that. I want to beat your sister in juggling, that's my only objective right now. Now let me do my homework and you do yours too.
-Yeah yeah football, I know. If I help you with Maths, you help me with English ?
-Like always right ?
They smiled at each other and installed themselves respectively on the bed and on the desk.
Age 17
-Love is stupid!
-Don’t say that, Sergio was just a bump in the road of life.
-He was an asshole.
-Hey! That’s my brother, that you are talking about. But he was kind of a jerk. But Louisa I told you not to get with him. 
-You told me! That’s your excuse, he cheated on me and you knew it! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. He always made stupid excuses to not show up when he did make them and you covered for him like nothing was going
-It’s not that big of a deal, and he is my brother.
-And I am your best-friend. We have known each other since primary school. Does that mean nothing to you?
Louisa's question was met with silence.
-You are trash! Just like him! I don’t want to see you ever again!!! I can’t believe it!
-Louisa, wait.
Alba tried to stop her friend from going and looked bewildered at her other friend.
-Don’t, not right now Albs.
-Sof… Aren’t you going to go after her ?
-What’s the point ? I am already the bad guy. 
Sofia turned around and left in the other direction leaving behind Alba and Y/N who clearly didn’t know what to do.
-Hum, what do we do now, Albs ?
-I don’t know, Y/n/n.
After a bit, Y/n looked up at the sky and took Alba’s hand dragging her away from her spot.
-Come on, we need to go home. It's gonna rain soon.
On the phone in the evening while they were doing their homeworks that same day, Alba was more silent than usual.
-Alba what’s going on ? What’s disturbing you ?
-I am just thinking about the quarrel between Sofia and Louisa. What if it happens to us who would you side with, I don’t want to lose you. Alba almost whispered at the end.
-Well my brothers are way too young for you and I don’t have a sister so I think we are on the safe side here, laughed Y/N.
-Yeah but Alexia isn’t too old for you.
-You are crazy, I practically grew up with her and listened to you complain about her.
-Same with Louisa and Sofia.
There was a pause in the conversation.
-Alba what do you want me to do ? Asked Y/N softly.
-If I promise to never go for your siblings and exes. Would you do the same for me ?
-Like a pact ? I can, we could write it too. To act it. Make it more real.
-I am coming over.
Age 21
-Happy Birthday Alba!
-Thank you! In three days it’s yours, but for now I am gonna remind you that I am older than you on the phone for the next three days.
Y/N laughed through the phone.
-So what are you doing for your big day ? 
-Well Ale and Maps organized something I think, and this week-end we are celebrating with Mamà. So that’s gonna be fun. But apart from my birthday if I remember correctly and I do. I seem to remember that my best-friend who escaped in America told me she had a date last night so how did it go ?
- It was nice but she was more searching for a hookup than anything, and I am not sure if I want a relationship right now so we had a fun night but we won’t be seeing each other again. I mean in a few months I graduate and then I will be or drafted somewhere in America or I will return to Europe or I could go to Australia or even Sweden but to be completely honest I don’t think I could survive there, it’s too cold.
-Isn’t it cold in South Bend ?
-Well it doesn’t get super hot in summer, but it does get really cold in winter. We go in the minus here. But the real problem isn’t the cold, it’s the rain. It rains too much. I miss Spain and the sun seriously, it’s not fun Alba. I don't feel Catalonian anymore, I feel like I haven’t tan in 4 years. I am a walking corpse… no, a vampire. If I see the sun.
-You will sparkle Miss Cullen ? Sniggered Alba.
-No I will burst into flames like Vlad The Impaler dumbass.
-Who ?
-The inspiration for Dracula, dumbass.
-Oh. Madame got culture, she is studying literature. Said Alba in a funny posh voice.
The childhood friends burst out laughing, across the world from each other.
-Oh I missed this. I am sorry I didn’t take the time to call you lately Albs.
-Y/N, you send me texts practically everyday, it’s not like we didn’t call each other for years. And I didn’t call you either. The effort goes both ways you know. I didn’t take the time either. Wait, isn't it time to go to sleep, for you ? Which hours is it ?
-It’s a little past midnight, yawned Y/N.
-Bullshit, it’s two in the morning. When what she just said registered in her head Alba yelled: What the heck go to sleep Y/N!
-Yes, Mom.
-Have a good sleep, love you.
-Love you too.
Age 23
I look at my watch, and jump out of the car. I’m not late luckily, Alba wouldn’t let me hear the end of it. I am actually a bit early, I advance towards the arrivals area, since I arrived two years ago I haven’t stepped foot in the airport, it’s actually easier to go to Copenhagen. But when we discussed her stay at mine, it was easier to take her from Malmö’s airport, less minutes on the road for me after a match day. I can’t ask for more. 
When I see that her plane is noted as landed, take out the sign I made with her name on it. I remember when we were younger and we watched romantics movie I always made fun of the “”running in the airport” kind of scene and the “seeing each other after a longtime” still in a airport kind of scene, it used to drive her crazy during the movie but at the end of it she always laughed with me. I look at the corridor people filling out, joining loved ones or going out alone and the inevitable few lost ones who are looking at the panels up, trying to decipher what’s written to understand where they are supposed to go. Finally I see her turning the corner looking ahead trying to find me when she is halfway the corridor, I put the sign higher. She looks in it’s direction and a smile breaks free on her face, in a second I see her smile turning into a malicious smirk. She drops her suitcase and runs towards screaming my name, hands outstretched toward me. I shake my head laughing at her but she doesn’t stop running. My brain finally realizes that she has absolutely no intention of slowing down. I drop the sign and prepare myself for the collusion two seconds before it happens. She just jumps on me, sending me backwards, tumbling down and she lands on her feets one on each side of my waist while I am on my ass on the floor. And it hurts a lot.
-Sorry I always wanted to do that, I didn’t think this through.
-It’s okay, help me get up. My ass hurt.
She holds her hand out for me so I can get up.
-I told you all those scenes in movies where faked!
-Don’t you do those kinds of things as celebrations during matches ?
-Well I think it depends on who and well who is the one jumping and the one receiving.
She grabs her suitcase, and follows me outside to my car so we can get back to my place.
-So like it depends on the connection between the two, like Jenni and Ale. They do it because they.
I cut her off.
-A couple ? No it’s not what I mean. I mean it depends on the weight of the jumper and the muscular capacity of the “jumpee” and their balance skill.
-One they aren’t and two… ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT ?!
-No, Ass. I just don’t have the balance capacity to keep me and you upright. And maybe you should stop stocking for winter, just saying.
-Bitch. So you are just unbalanced.
-Yep. It’s here, let me just find a place to park.
After another day visiting, we were on the couch doing a puzzle. Well, I was doing it. Alba was lost in thought. I try not to stay unoccupied for long periods of time. It makes me wonder and get lost in my head and I always end up homesick. I miss speaking in Spanish and Catalàn, I miss Alba, she is the only one I stayed in touch with in Spain. I have some friends who are on the Spanish national team, but I never got called up to the senior team, and they have their own lives. We text from time to time but it stops there, well that’s not completely true. Ona came to Malmö once a year ago in the middle of winter she stayed the week-end and hightailed. She told me I could come to Manchester whenever I wanted but she would never put herself through this again.
-Are you happy ? Alba asks me suddenly. I drop my puzzle piece and look at her.
-Yes.
-Truly happy ?
-Alba, I stop at her serious face. I think about it. Take my puzzle piece back from the table and put it with the other exterior pieces I sorted out. I am not sad, I finally exhale.
-Don’t you want to wake up in the morning with a smile on your face even if it’s a normal day. Does football still make you happy ?
-Yes, I smile, it’s one of the bright spots of my day.
-I think being away from home and family is eating you up inside. I am worried about you, Y/N. Her brows are frowned in concern, even her eyes seem watery by sadness for me.
-I’ll think about it.
-No. Or you’ll never do. You need to tell your manager, sports agent whatever, that for your mental health you need to be closer to Barcelona.
I nod, and bring my eyes back to the puzzle, feeling her eyes on me I meet them. She looks at me expectantly.
-Right now ? I ask hesitantly.
-Yes, right now or you’ll never do it.
I take my phone out and search for my agent number.
-I can’t do that by phone.
-Y/N put your big girl’s pants on and do it!
I push the call button. My agent answers in a couple of minutes, asking me nicely what’s going on. When I tell him everything, he asks that we do a video call. After we talked about my last year on my contract and my performances this past two years with Rosengard which are really good. So he is gonna put a word out about it but before that I need to talk with my coach tomorrow. Apparently, it’s not gonna be a big problem and I should have talked about my problems earlier.
The next day, I give a call to my coach so we can talk about it, the rendez-vous is taken. And when the hour comes Alba comes with me, when I explain everything, they understand and tell me to take care of my mental health. I will still finish my season here obviously and if no one wants me they will always be a place for me. I left her office crying from relief, I didn’t notice it was impacting me that much.
Age 24
It’s been a longtime I hadn’t put a toe back in this airport, Barcelona is still as sunny as ever. When we discussed contracts and everything there were several clubs who reached out but I didn’t want a big club so I turned some down, I don’t want to be a bench player. Finally Rosengård agreed on a loan to Levante Las Planas, the club is in second division, and this season we are trying to get to the first one, the suits said it was the objective of this loan. At the end of the loan I’ll be a free agent and then I am free to choose where and with whom I want to play.
I take my suitcases from the carousel and step out in the august air. We are well into the afternoon hours, the sun is high in the sky and it’s not too hot today. The weather is perfect, when I close my eyes I can feel the sun’s warmth, the breeze caress my face and in the air you can smell the iodine. It smells like home, like clothes drying on lines, like warm smiles, like tickles and hugs. It smells like the sun.
-What are you doing sniffing the air ? Creep.
-Hello Alba, it’s nice to see you too. I am fine and you ?
-Your eyes are closed, and I was fine a minute ago but now I am wondering if I really want to spend a year supporting you.
I open my eyes when I feel her reach for me, we embrace each other.
-Well when you have enough of me, we will just have to stop hanging out at each other. In an instant Alba’s face turns guilty. What did you do ?
-You remember that you asked me to find an apart for you, right?
-I told you, you didn’t have to and you said you wanted to. I swear if I don’t have somewhere to sleep in a week. I will kill you.
-I found an apart but it’s actually more complicated than that. After putting my suitcases in the trunk, we got in the car without stopping our conversation.
-Someone died in it ?
-No… I don’t think so… Maybe it’s actually why it was cheaper ? Alba wonders out loud.
-So the apart ? I cut her off.
She looks at me surprised and then looks back at the road.
-Oh yeah it’s a shared flat.
-With who ?
-Me.
Silence fills the passenger compartment, I look at her. Think about it.
-If there haven’t been a death or murder in the apartment before, there will be one before the end of the month.
-So in a week, nice. I promise that I will keep my mess in my room.
-You better. But I am actually super happy to be living with you.
-Yeah! You remember when we were kids, we always said we would live together when we would be older.
The season was going well, we were in a really good position in the ranking. If we kept at it, we would advance in the first division. Next week we are gonna watch Barcelona Feminino against Real Madrid in the women’s champion’s league. Alba is super excited, well I am too. She got seats from her sister, the well known “La Reina”, best player in the world. It’s gonna be epic, she is going to the next one when Barcelona wins this one it’s for the quarter-finals after. I won’t be at that one but Alba is going with her mom, Eli. She constantly asks Alba to invite me for their family dinner on Sunday but I don’t want to impose on them so I avoid it everytime. I feel bad about it since they have always been so nice to me. But I have a fear, a complete anxiety for awkward silences. They give me cold chills. I finally open our apartment door and get inside, I advance to flick the light when I bump into something solid and hard.
-ALBAAAAAA! DIOS MIO! MIERDA! I roared. I stubbed my toe. I finish whining pitifully.
The light turn on, and I turn to find not Alba but Alexia on the doorway of her sister room and on my couch a few other Bareclona’s players, Mapi and her supposed girlfriend Ingrid cuddled on the couch waking up, and one the floor before the couch is Jenni Hermoso. And the hard stuff I bumped into is actually Leila Ouahabi, Oups.
-Huh?!
I blink a few times looking at each of them, fleeking my eyes between them and then I settle back on the most familiar one who actually hasn’t been familiar in a bit less than ten years.
-Hi Miss Putellas, Alexia. Miss Putellas. Excuse me but would you tell me where your sister is ?
-Miss Putellas ? someone laughed.
-Y/N ? She looks at me with uncertainty written on her face.
-Yes ? I answer, waiting for an answer.
-What’s going on ? asked Alba, yawning, stepping out from behind her sister in pajamas.
I look at her frowning and look at everyone and then back at her and make a face that I think explains everything.
-Oh, yeah they forgot their keys.
-Everyone ?!
-Well, Alexia’s suitcase got held up at the airport and is arriving tomorrow. Mapi and Ingrid are the same, well Maps forgot to bring her key altogether and Ingrid’s luggage is held back. Leila and Patri are flat sharing and each one of them thought the other had brought their keys. So they are calling their landlord tomorrow morning and Jenni, I actually don’t know. 
-My girlfriend forgot to give my key back to the neighbor, she is bringing it back to me in two days and in that time I am being housed by Alexia who is currently housed by the both of you. 
I nodded along to her words. I was a bit dumbfounded, don’t she have a double of her keys, don’t they all have a double of their keys.
-Hum, you don’t have a double of your keys ? Neither one of you.
-Nope, said Leila proudly and Patri nodded along.
-No but I’ll make one when I get my keys back, said Jenni.
-Yes, Alba is supposed to have it. Alexia pointedly stared at Alba who shrugged.
-I don’t know where I put it. It has a key chain with Nala’s picture on it.
I nodded, I excused myself for the noise and took my bags to my room wishing them a good night. I woke up the next day with a key chain with a dog picture on it. I knew when I went to bed that I had seen it somewhere, and it is said to sleep on it, so I did and I think I know where it is. I get out of bed, grab a hoodie and pull socks on. I carefully open my door, and advance towards the living room where all the Barcelona players are actually already awake. They salute me and I greet them back. In the kitchen, I can see Alexia at the stove.
-Y/N, please never call me Miss Putellas again. We have known each other for a longtime and it makes me feel really old, she finishes with a smile. I smile back without answering.
I advance towards the laundry area in the kitchen and look in the all-purpose drawer and get Alexia’s keys out.
-I am sorry, yesterday it was late and I was tired. I couldn’t remember where I saw them. I turn around and hand out her keys to Alexia. When she realizes what it is she smiles brightly and brings me in a hug. She kisses my temple before thanking me.
-You get double portions of pancakes just for that Y/N/N.
There was a minute of silence, we could hear a pin drop, then an uprising. Mapi, Leila, Patri and Jenni shoving each other and yelling to Alexia trying to plead the cause of their stomachs. Alba, woken up by the noise, soon joined in when she understood what it was about.
-Put the table and I’ll think about it.
I never saw Alba move that fast since reaching teenage years. Alexia’s pancakes must be something. I looked at the stove where Alexia was flipping pancakes, they did look pretty good, well rounded and fluffy.
Yesterday Barcelona lost against the Olympique Lyonnais, the only goal from Barcelona against the giant Fenottes was scored by Alexia. Everyone is saying that goal was a statement bla bla but I think she was frustrated with her team and herself and by the performance they were giving in this particular match, and that goal was just that frustration not a statement from The Best. On the other side of Barcelona, Levante Las Planas are on a really good streak and we know that being in the first division is possible next season. We have a couple other matches but we are at the end of the season, it’s feasible. Then it’s the Euro which is also a major event, but like the Champion's league I won’t be participating there. With Alba we are going on vacation after the beginning of the euro. She wants to support her sister with her mom for at least the first match then we are going to Indonesia with her girlfriend and some friends.
Judith and I were chilling on the couch. We had just finished cleaning the apartment, Judith moved in a couple months ago and I am currently looking for a new team, well my manager is, so when I know where I am going for next season Alba and her will have the apartment to themselves. Which is great for them but also for me because the walls are kinda thin.
Alba was in London with her mom, she apparently got a call yesterday and they changed their ticket to be there earlier. It’s not good news for La Reina, I personally don’t keep up with the news because they tend to be too dramatic but Judith pulls a weird face every time she unlocks her phone. I swear if that phone buzzes one more time I’m throwing it out the window, I can’t concentrate on my book and it’s a good romance!
-Holà, Alba! Is everything okay ?
I look up, Judith seems concerned. She hums and nods along her conversation with Alba, I suppose, but doesn’t give away what’s going on. Their conversation gets lengthier and lengthier, and I am getting more stressed every minute ticking. When she finally hangs up with Alba, she turns to me.
-It’s Alexia. She has done her ACL.
I feel myself getting a bit dizzy. I know better than anyone how complex those injuries are, this is the sole reason no club wanted to bet on me when I finished highschool, I had just done them too. University was my only option. Well that explains why Alba did not reach for me, she was there when I did them, it was a trauma that she shouldered me through. She is still protecting me.
-Y/N, are you okay ? You are all pale. Judith was kneeling beside me on the floor looking ready to catch me if something. She is great, Alba found a good one.
-Yeah, yeah just a bad memory.
-I am sorry, I didn’t know. 
I nodded looking through her while she went back to her place on the couch.
-What ? What didn’t you know ? I was confused after her words began making sense in my brain.
-For Alexia. A bit confused about her wording. I mean I didn’t either, you are the one who just told me. You didn’t tore her ACL, you don’t need to apologize.
-I didn’t know you were in love with her.
That’s weird. What ?! What did she just say? Brain please get back to work.
-Huh, I am not.
-But you had such a big reaction ? I thought … She did finish her sentence looking at me with a weird expression on. I think I need to explain my reaction or this is never gonna leave her mind.
-No, I did them a long time ago. It’s still a sore subject. It’s just that.
She looks back at me, raises an eyebrow while frowning slightly, then she nods and picks her book back up. I am not emotionally stupid, most of the time, before we made the pact with Alba I had already realized that Alexia was one my type and two completely out of my league. I knew my little crush would always be that, a crush without any further development. Moreover Alexia had a girlfriend at the time, then Alba asked me for the pact and I agreed; I wanted to forget my crush and I was gonna leave for the USA. I forgot about this silly crush, fell in love, fell out of love, experienced, got hurt, swore out of love and now I am back in Barcelona and I go on dates from time to time. But I do admit I haven’t gone to one in a longtime, the last one was a disaster. I do not have great conversation skills, I am not much of a conversationalist.
Alexia forced Alba to come with us to Indonesia, even if she is injured she is strong headed and not incapacitated; I think you can put some quote un quote somewhere. Indonesia it’s beautiful, cultural differences are a thing and I have been hit by it on numerous occasions. I am not sure they are too fond of homosexual so Alba and Judith keep the PDA low key, which is sad they make such a beautiful couple. If someone asks I’ll deny I ever thought it. In Indonesia people drive like madmen. I am not going behind the wheel in that crazy country, I swear I saw five people on one scooter and they klaxon all the time. It's really surprising at first. And food wise when they say it’s spicy, well it’s spicy, really spicy. The rice was red from all the spice, and I swear I have never eaten something as spicy as that tofu, I think I could have breathed fire. We visited a temple where if you didn’t cover your legs you couldn’t enter. They gave us batik tissue to make skirts with the stairs were uneven and it was dark and humid inside. We visited markets, eated more things than we should have. Insects are a really big no for me. There were two old men playing chess in one of them, it made a really good picture. We saw a wayang representation, it was mesmerizing, it’s a shadow theater with etched puppets. Then we spent a lot of time tanning and spending time on the beach. I admit I burn easier than I tan, it’s deplorable. During our vacation, my agent told me a big club was interested in me and even though I would probably not get a first spot, they wanted to play me as a super sub. When he explained every other interesting contract he told me to sleep on it and to call him back when I would reach a decision. When he began searching for a new club I told him that I wanted him to tell me about the contracts he would find ang get for me without giving me the name of the club.
-About the big club, can they reach the champion’s league ? I asked without preambule.
-Yes, you are leaning toward them ?
-Yes. Sorry, Hello, how are you doing ?
-Hahaha, I am fine. What about you ?
-I am great, Indonesia is awesome but I am worried about next season to be honest. It’s lingering in the back of my mind. I was afraid no one would want me. Now tell me, please.
-The big club, it’s Barcelona.
-How long ?
-Two years for sure, and another if both parties are satisfied. They wanted you before Alexia got hurt so do not get in your head for that. Okay ?
-Okay. Tell them I am gonna sign.
-I’ll do my job, which is also to get you a good deal. Then I will tell them you are in. Enjoy your vacation. Bye.
He hung up before I could say anything.
Where is my fudging phone, who the heck calls people that early on a sunday. Here it is, Alba I will kill her sleep is sacred, I put it down and bury my head back in my pillow. It’s ringing again.
-Alba, I swear to god. I answered the phone.
- Holà Y/N, it’s Judith sorry, but Alba heard you. I am gonna put you on the car’s speaker so we can talk.
-Oh, hi Judith sorry.
-What about me, I don’t get one.
-Nope.
-Nice, well we need your help. Like you know, today is family dinner day but with Judith we are away from Barcelona and we won’t make it back on time to get Alexia. So could you please give her a ride. I know you said you wouldn’t come like the hundred or so other times I asked you since September but Mamà wants to see you. And you are busting your ass off for Barça you need a break. 
-But I …
-Alexia doesn’t have the right to drive even if she can walk again and it’s always a source of joy for her to see the family. So if you don’t do it for Albs maybe you can do it for your capitana or for Elisabet. Say Judith slyly. The girl is good; she knows how to make me move.
-I’ll do it. When is she expecting me ?
-In half an hour would be good, like that you are gonna be early to Mama’s and can help her with cooking or play board games with her.
-Okay see you later.
I hang up and get out of bed. I turn on the coffee maker and while it whirrs I go in the shower. I get dressed, drink my coffee in a flash, I hate being late which is funny since Spanish people are known for tardiness but personally if I live by “if you are five minutes early you are on time, but if you are on time you are late.” And right now I am late. It’s the first time I actually go to Alexia’s, the team go see her sometimes but I always decline the invite. It's not that I don’t like her but I feel a bit uncomfortable when I think about going to hers, even more since Judith said I was in love with her. We see each other at the facility, she comes to see the team play before and after her recovery sessions. Woah well nice residence, but how do I get in, well I must have her phone number somewhere. I hear someone knock on my window when I am beginning to call Alexia. I look up, she is here. I hang up and get out of my car.
-Did I summon you ? I joke, when I go to greet her I hear a yap coming from around my knees. “Hi Nala, are you coming for the trip too ? Well little lady aren’t you a cutie. I am Y/N and I will be your driver for the day, little star.”
-And here suddenly I am completely forgotten. I was gonna ask you if it disturbed you if she came with us. But I feel like I should worry more about getting my dog back at the end of the day.
-No it’s not a problem at all, just the dog goes in the back seat and I hope you have a leash for the car to secure her. I must have a cover or something to protect the leather, let me search.
-I have one in my car if you don’t have one. I disappear in my trunk trying to reach for my cover, really I need to clean my trunk. It's a mess, the rest of my car is clean, nothing is laying around but the trunk; it’s Tchernobyl. “Y/N ?”
-I have it. Get in Lady Nala.
We spent the first few minutes of the drive in complete, I didn’t connect my phone to the car and I forgot to put the radio on. I never chose one so I don’t want to put it on now, we never know what we will fall on. I have been racking my brain for ideas of conversation. Football seems like an insensitive bad idea, and I don’t know her actual other hobbies, what she watches or reads. I think I am getting a brain cramp worrying like that. Saved by the phone quite literally.
-Can you ? I look at my phone then at Alexia then my car to finally get my focus back on the road.
-It’s Alba, I will connect your phone. What’s your code ?
-My birthday. It’s two days after 
-Alba, I know. She cuts me off. 
-Hello, did you get my sister ? 
-Hello evil spawn. I apologize it's offensive to your parents.
-Hi Albs. I am, I would say secure but I am still judging her driving style.
-Ah! The only thing you have to worry about with her it’s to get bored to death. She drives like a grandma. 
-Hey! It’s not true.
-I have been in the car for less than ten minutes and I tend to agree with Albs, you drive like a grandma.
-Well that’s just mean. See if you get a ride back from me. Nala gets one because she is cute but you can stay at your mom‘s. I pout jokingly.
- Well everything seems fine so I am gonna leave you and concentrate on the road. Oh one last thing Ale. Y/N probably still hasn't put a radio on so you can put her Spotify on. Usually she listens to old soft rock bands, she has a playlist named with a Smiley electric guitar you can put it on. If it's really not your thing she has your playlist for matchday and Barcelona playlist too. Enjoy your ride.
She hung up leaving me with flaming red cheeks from the corner of my eyes,  I saw Alexia search my phone after finding what she was searching she smirked.
-You did a blend with me ? It's cute and we have 84% compatibility, not bad.
-I did it with Alba too. We have a tad bit more compatibility.
-Found your playlist woah it's extensive.
-Play it on shuffle please.
The first song coming up was Brothers in Arms from Dire Straits. I absolutely love this song. It begins with a super bass solo then it slowly brings you in the deep. Actually there are a lot of Dire Straits songs in my playlist and U2 too, particularly songs from the albums Song of Innocence and War.
- These mist-covered mountains Are a home now for me Hmmmm
And you’ll no longer burn to be brothers in arms
Through these field of destruction Baptisms of fire I’ve witnessed your suffering
This song I just can’t help it. I am sorry I can’t help singing it.
For the rest of the journey when a song that I particularly liked came on I would heightened the volume and sing along to it or at least the chorus. Alexia joined me in some songs and I think I saw her take a video of me, I need to make sure she doesn’t send that to the PR department. Finally we got to her mom's house, I needed to stretch.
You know I always find it funny everytime I find myself back in the Putellas household I feel like a child again, nothing has changed since I left highschool. Well maybe the paint was refreshed but it’s the same color and everything. My parents and I don’t talk anymore and they moved away, they weren’t happy with some “choice” I made in my life. My siblings and I are still in contact and my grandma has always been more open minded and supportive than my parents so when I come back to Mollet del Vallès I always pass by her house to greet her.
After bringing Alexia to the Putellas family’s times that one time, it became a regular occurrence. Alexia and I would talk about the club, her dad sometimes, the prank I pulled with Alba when we were kids. After I revealed without meaning to that Alba and I were actually the ones who broke her parents bedroom window that one time where she got punished without having done anything, well she brought it up the whole night to Eli and threatened Alba with repercussions, I got brought up on that too. We tried to say there was a prescription by now, I am not sure prescription is in Alexia’s vocabulary. Even when she was authorized to drive again, we rode together but we alternated drivers and cars.
Finally Alexia got back to training with us and it was decided that we would go celebrate. I was pulled along with everyone and after being given a bit of beer and shots of I think it was tequila but I am not completely sure, by Mapi my inhibitions were completely out of the window. So gone that when I woke up the next day I didn’t remember what happened but I did realize that I wasn’t in my bed nor in my room. After a couple of minutes getting the fog out of my brain, I turned around in the bed realizing that one I was naked and my lower half was aching and two there was someone else naked in bed with me. I heard little footfalls running behind the door which clearly led outside. I got up and looked at the blond strong back, she was still deep asleep. It was still the middle of the night or really early in the morning, I got my clothes from the floor and my phone was in my jeans. I got out and closed the door behind me. In the dark I couldn’t see who the mystery woman was, she was blonde, had tattoos on her back and was pretty athletic from what I could see. So my taste in women didn’t change when I was drunk. I advanced towards what seemed to be the living room, and was greeted by trophies two that I recognized immediately the UEFA Women's Player of the Year, I knew only one person who won it two times and lives in Barcelona, while I was having a little mental breakdown with the thought of who I just slept with, Nala came to greet me. I scratched her head absentmindedly and stopped when I heard noise coming from the bedroom. Now it was really time to get out. Oh my god, I slept with Alba’s sister, I swore I’d never do it and I did. Oh my god I am a terrible person. Wait, how did I get here? Well it’s four in the morning. The first thing is to find a way out of the residence, then I’ll be walking home, which is great, it’ll give me time to prepare my funeral after I tell Alba I broke our pact.
If you were to ask me if I was avoiding Alexia, I would answer you, no. Which would be the truth. If you were to ask the same thing to Alexia she would probably say that I’m definitely am. And that would technically be also the truth, because the truth I am not avoiding Alexia, I am avoiding Alexia and Alba which makes a huge difference. Well technically one of them isn’t yet aware that I am avoiding her. Alexia has tried for the past two days to get me alone to talk to her and some of our teammates got the memo and tried to make that happen but I am fast and stealthy like an eel and I escape every time. Maybe I should change sports and play dodgeball professionally, I think I would be quite good. Maybe I should also move to a new country now that I reminded myself that I actually really want to survive. Damn it, I really need to talk to Alba. But I mean it’s not like I am dating her sister, I mean we slept together once or twice or more if my memory doesn't fail me.
-Y/N, Y/N.
-Alexia, Alexia! Hi! I am sorry I need to go, bury my hamster. See you later if you need something text me.
Damn it I didn’t realize everyone had left the changing room. Those assholes are ganging up on me. They are waiting for me at the parking lot, I can literally see them. I go hide upstairs in a room where no one ever goes. There is a window giving way outside. FIve minutes after I got there I saw Alexia getting out with a frustrated look on her face. She says something to the group and Mapi and Lucy laugh at her face, the other smiles back with a hint of understanding or some other sympathetic feelings. They wait a bit and a car comes park beside them, Alba gets out to greet everyone, talks a bit with Ale and gets her phone out. A minute later my phone rings, Alba is calling me, I decline her call and send back a generic message. Telling her I am busy and I can’t answer. I see her shaking her head at Alexia and looking in my car direction. Okay that’s it; tonight I am gonna go see Alba. I am not facing Barcelona’s own tribunal.
At ten, I am in front of Alba’s apartment. I knock at the door waiting for the door to open several emotions course through my body, I feel the need to flee, relieved that finally I’ll be able to talk and I am scared I remember Louisa and Sofia’s face and others over the years friendships over siblings or vice versa. Sofia and Louisa still don’t talk to one another, I don’t want to lose Alba, I can’t; I feel like a little kid why did it have to be Alexia. Every other single teammate would have been better. We would have talked about it and then it would’ve been history. When the door opens it’s not Alba I am faced with but Judith.
-Y/N ? What are you doing here ?
I open my mouth but no sounds get out, she looks at me like she can see through me.
-Come on in. You look like you are coming back from hell.
A laugh without any joy escapes from my mouth.
-I feel like it too. Is Alba here ? Judith shakes her head no. “You know you were right. Before our holiday you told me… Well I think you might have been right which is fucked up, I really wish you weren’t right.”
-You mean your feelings for Alexia. Y/N what happened ? I feel like you should be happier, did you tell Alexia, she really likes you too and I can’t imagine her being harsh.
-No. I didn’t tell her I didn’t realize before, I slept with her while I was drunk. And I have been avoiding her and Alba since.
-Oh… Why ?
I look at the wall trying to come up with a worded answer. When I hear keys at the door, Judith turns to the door. The door unlocks and Alba walks in, she stops when she spots me on the couch. She drops her bag on the floor and walks to the couch she put herself in front of me.
-What is wrong with you ? I tried to call you four hours ago, Alexia wanted to go out with us, she told me about an absurd excuse with a hamster you needed to bury. You are afraid of them.
I feel my face pale at the mention of her sister, and I drop my gaze from her to my hands on my thighs, I wiggle my fingers together.
-Y/N ? Talk to me, you hate rodents, what fake excuse is that even Alexia knows you hate them, she told me.
-I am sorry Alb. Those past few days I was so scared. I broke our pact.
Alba sat beside me, grabbed my chin so I would stop looking at my hands and looked at her. Looking around I see that Judith left us alone and Alba’s face is laced with concern.
-When we were 17 we made a pact, you remember ? After the incident between Sofia and Louisa. I promised that
-Oh yeah! Out about it ? Wait. You were scared because you slept with … oh my god You slept with Alexia! When ? I have been waiting for that for so long!
-What ?
-Yeah. Why the heck did you think the both of you are still riding to my mom together.
-To save fuel and for the environment.
She looks at me like I am super dumb and I really do feel like it right now.
-No dumbass, if that was the case Jud and me would ride with you two. Alexia has had a crush on you for a longtime now. She has always followed your career from afar, I discovered a year or so ago. I am sorry I completely forgot about our pact. So wait, you slept with Ale when and what happened.
I explain everything to her, and the more I talk, the more her eyes seem to grow and her eyebrows shoot up. When I finish, passing the more mature details for her sake, I sigh relieved to have gotten that off my chest.
-Y/N, I know how uncomfortable you can be with people, and Ale makes you feel good, you love being around her. When she is around you smile more and even now just talking about her makes you smile. So you are gonna put your big girl’s pants on and go see my sister. Yes right now. She is back at hers.
I get my stuff back, hug goodbye Alba and call Juds. I bring her into a hug.
-Thank you. She smiles back at me.
-It was nothing, I am happy I could help.
I call for the elevator when they close the door behind them. I’m stepping in the elevator, when I hear a door open.
-Oh actually if she isn't at her’s, she might be at yours. She said she would wait at your doorstep till you showed up if need be.
-What ?! The elevator doors close before I can do anything about it. Well to my apartment we go.
When I get to my floor, Alexia is sitting her head on her knees beside my door. When she hears the door of the stairs close behind me she looks up in my direction. She doesn’t move, her face shows no external emotion, the girl has got a great poker face, I am trying to dedramatize the situation in my head. It's already looking bad. Okay brain stop, take a breath, everything is gonna be okay. She doesn’t bite… hum rectification she isn’t a murder, well I think. Oh my god I am spiraling rambling inside my own mind.Stop. I force my legs to move forward. When I get to my door, I take my keys out without a word, I open and finally look at Alexia who hasn’t stopped looking at me. I reach out a hand to help her off the floor.
-Come on in. Sorry for the mess.
-It’s spotless.
I look around, that's right when I am stressing over things. I clean everything, it relaxes me.
-Right. Alexia, I am sorry I
-You don’t feel the same way it’s okay. But I would like to be friends
I cut her off.
-No. 
-No ? Okay, I’ll just
I put myself between my door and her.
-No please can you sit please. I show her the couch. I just leave me a second. I need to show you something.
I leave the room and go to my guest room /office where a lot of my cardboards still are. I grab the pact we made years ago with Alba, I go back to my living room and give the pact to Alexia. I give her a couple of minutes to read it.
-I know it doesn’t excuse the way I treated you the past few days but I didn’t know how to tell Alba. You probably don’t know, I don’t talk about it a lot, my parents and I don’t talk anymore and my siblings and I don’t see each other often either. Actually the only family I have left who cares about me is my grandma but she is old and when she will die the only permanent figures in my life are gonna be siblings who if they had to choose between me and their goldfish they would probably choose the goldfish, even if they don’t have one. And then there will be Alba, if I lose Alba. I don’t know if I will be able to make it, I can’t lose her. She is an anchor in my life, she is in all my plans for life, when I retire, when I grow old and gray and if I get sent to a retirement home one day. So after I left your bedroom that night and I recognized The trophies and Nala in your living room I had a mental breakdown and well you know what happened next. I am sorry I left you alone that night. I am sorry I left you to worry for days about what was going through my mind. And I am sorry I left you thinking I didn’t have feelings for you. I mark a pause to catch my breath.
-Do you ? Have feelings for me ?
-Yes. I mean obviously, you were my first crush and it will always be here you shaped the way I saw women. I think all the person I dated were pale comparison of you well there is some exception obviously but for most of my court terms relationship there hasn’t been a lot of them but there is a few, well most of them were light chestnut and athletic, there hasn’t be a lot those past years.
-Would you go on a date with me ?
-Now ? I ask in disbelief.
-No obviously not now. Maybe tomorrow, oh and is there any other weird pact you made with my sister that I should know about before we begin dating each other ? 
-Huh no ? I mean there is no other pact. We do have other “weird” promises but no pact I swear.
-Good please promise me to never agree on a pact with Alba without checking it with me.
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