#like I’m so exhausted of existing

[fucklife101]

No one understands how much I hate myself. I hate myself so fucking much I can’t even look on the mirror without feeling absolutely disgusted. I want to die.

#i dont want to be here #mentally exhausted #tw depressing stuff #im losing hope #i hate myself #i want to die #i’m so alone #self h@rm #i hate my existence #mental health relapse #anxi4ty #deppresing quotes #deppresing thoughts #depressing shit #i relapsed again #i want to disappear #tired of life #i hate my body #i hate me lol #i hate me why am i like this

[figofswords]

anybody remember the stephanie brown essay I was working on under a research grant fully last summer? yeah it’s not done yet it super needs to be done and I’ve been avoiding working on it for weeks. someone tell me to just do it already

#the problem is. actually there are several problems #1) I’ve been out of the Batman/dc comics phase for almost a year so I don’t care that much about the topic #2) I am fifteen pages in and have not touched it in months so I’ve completely lost my train of thought #3) I can’t just reread it because I hate first five pages or so and I know I need to change it but I was trying to finish before editing #so now my only solution is I need to open up a new doc and completely restructure the whole thing by splicing together the existing writing #so that I can figure out where the hell im going with this and make sure things fit together better #unfortunately that sounds fucking exhausting #but I told my mentor I would have an update for him by the end of the week and. well. it’s the end of the week #I have to present it in April. I have to write and submit an abstract in March #the school gave me $1500 for this stupid essay and if I don’t have anything to show for myself. #well. I don’t know they can’t take the money BACK but it’s not a good look #and also I would feel bad #I did the research!!! i interviewed comic writers even!!! I just haven’t finished WRITING IT DOWN #and I KNOOOOWW once I get started it’ll be fine once I’m going I’m going #but STARTING is hard because I feel like I have to finish it in one go which makes it so huge and daunting #I’m like. slamming my head into a wall. just write a couple sentences Jess something is better than nothing #just start it you don’t have to finish just START just MAKE the new DOC #I know!!!!! that is what my therapist would say!!!! Jess you’re trying to oneshot it bc of your dumb adhd brain!!!! #stop looking at it like that and making it scarier!!! #but even tho I know that logically I’m still like oh I should put away the dishes o should make bread #I should work on my six different art pieces I should do laundry i should play with the puppy I should go for a walk I sh

[unmarkedhelicopter]

The funniest thing about seeing both the FBI and the FBC take on the case of Alan Wake is how it really highlights just how the FBC totally operates on its own level of ethics and procedure as a government entity. Saga and Casey SHOULD have brought Wake to a hospital immediately after finding him, and probably shouldn’t have held him in their makeshift office and interrogated him without legal rep. However, Estevez laments not just locking Wake in a containment chamber the minute she found him like her gut told her too. Their extrajudicial decisions are Not The Same

#you could discuss the level of existential threat the fbc fights against and how that impedes on the legal rights of the individual I guess #but that sounds exhausting and the fbc doesn’t exist #and there’s already important discussions like that about our actual law enforcement #so I’m choosing to find this darkly humorous instead #alan wake 2 #alan wake 2 spoilers #aw2 spoilers

[hariboz]

i’m so sad briize and zeroses followed the path of army/exo-l and stay/czennie like i love riize and my jebis so much but i can’t go anywhere online without seeing either getting dragged to hell and back by the other fandom

#maise’s mumbles ! #like i have been thinking about expanding my writing to riize too but those two fandoms just can’t exist in peace so i feel like it just #would be so messy #and it’s not just even that it’s a small part #all the hate tweets from both sides het so much attention it’s so exhausting #also why i’m not on twt much anymore i just. i just wanna talk abt pretty guys is that too much to ask

[bpd4losers]

looking around at everyone and thinking “aren’t you tired of this? why aren’t you tired? how are you not tired? i’m so fucking tired. i can’t keep going on like this for years.”

#the endless exhaustion of my existence #how does anyone last a lifetime like this? #i’m so tired of this #bpd #borderline personality disorder #ptsd #cptsd #autism

[mochiwrites]

blegh

#delete later #this is me just yelling into the void for a moment #but god I think I need to look into doing smth about my meds #:))) been on a steady mental health decline since at LEAST august #and it’s only gotten worse since the new year started cries #I’m trying to do homework and I can’t even focus on it #struggling so bad #but I don’t. trust anyone to actually talk and I’ve been pulling closer to myself #so I just bury myself in school and writing and distractions (there aren’t many) #I don’t know I think I’m tired #really tired of how things have been #how alone I feel #life has genuinely felt exhausting lately #all of my relationships feel so superficial with the exception of like. a small few #I want deeper connections but lately I feel like I’m just not built for friendship #it really feels like I’m just not supposed to have friends because I’m not a good one or I’m not a good person and I just Exist #in loneliness #and that hurts SO bad #can it please get better already #please #between online and irl I am at my limit T-T #ANYWAYS. back to being productive and doing stuff

[lavampira]

it’s not even noon and I already need a nap

#or like. a sleep through the rest of the day. existence. idk i’m kinda over it lmao #not that any of this is new but like #it’s exhausting to deal with my brain and my feelings all the time #i hate feeling like my life and all my relationships are slipping away from me and i hate feeling like a bother if i try to hold onto them #ik brains are liars but it’s such a convincing one #and idk how to cope with like anything going on at all #anyway sorry if anyone reads this and sorry for so much negativity lately #the life and times

[inkbulbs]

I’m so deep into the throam rabbit hole that I genuinely forgot Brendon Urie is a real person

#this isn’t even me being like ‘ugh I hate him’ #It’s literally just me forgetting he exists as I wasn’t a fan of Viva las vengeance so he became irrelevant in my mind #I’m just too mentally exhausted to give a fuck anymore #throam #the heart rate of a mouse #panic! at the disco #panic at the beebo #brendon urie

[fucklife101]

I just feel like such a burden to everyone. Someone can scream in my face that I’m not a bother but my mind won’t accept it so there’s literally no winning anymore. I can’t cope.

#i dont want to be here #mentally exhausted #tw depressing stuff #im losing hope #i hate myself #i want to die #i’m so alone #self h@rm #i hate my existence #mental health relapse #anxi4ty #deppresing quotes #deppresing thoughts #depressing shit #i want to disappear #tired of life #i relapsed again #no one cares #i feel like such a failure

[starlooove]

Realizing the adultification and demonization of Duke and Damian is just. Not gonna stop. El oh el

#demonization more in Damian’s case #and not in the characters can’t do bad things kinda way #but in a writers and readers are so racist they’ll never even acknowledge that they don’t grant him the same grace they do anyone else #especially their white faves in comparison #and with the way they keep tryna spin Ra’s and Talia as being like. perfect parents maybe slightly absent or evil back then but family ppl #at heart it’s just gonna be more excuses to demonize a brown child bc now the very basis of his previous attitude will be gone #i mean for some of you it was never existed or acknowledged but there’s a certain bitterness I’m feeling when y’all can point to a panel #written by someone who’s only read WFA for background and say ‘see its canon that he’s just a murderous asshole for no reason!’ #same mfs who can’t tell me three bad things Tim’s done that they don’t fw bc either they’ve never read it or they justify it in their minds #and for Duke it’s like. just removing every aspect of his character bc god forbid u pay attention to a black child who’s not an easy stereo #that’s the difference Damian’s early appearance was very easy for a lot of y’all to stereotype even and at times especially Talia Stans #for Duke u can’t call him ghetto and u can’t call him one of the good ones bc there’s no ‘bad’ ones as a comparison point so he’s just a guy #he’s a good bro :) he’s there :) u don’t know enough about him to speak :) #and honestly if they keep going down the Al Ghuls are perfect route they might shoehorn Damian near that position too #that’d make it three for three when you involve cass. wow the poc of the family being reduced to no character besides propping up the yt #cast. maybe if we go that route and it happens to all three of them some of y’all will make a ‘fandom has a problem 🥺’ post and dip #like always el oh el so exhausted #batfandom racism #tim drake #jason Todd #dick grayson #bruce wayne #Lemme be a bitch today #Duke cass and Damian Stan’s I won’t clog ur dash with this #actually some of u cass Stan’s are…. #I’ll just say it a lot of you are racist as fuck and can’t say shit about cass besides she fights good and deserves the world #batfam #wfa #anti wfa

[say-al0e]

Dealing with the remnants of someone else’s life is fucking impossible.

#my dad passed yesterday and i’m having to sort through his stuff #and it’s kind of insane because he was a hoarder who hadn’t touched my bedroom since i left fifteen years ago #literally there is still a box of rainbow goldfish on the nightstand (obviously mice have gotten to it but still) #i got a bunch of photos because i had little evidence i existed before age like thirteen #and all i really wanted from his house was a photo of me and my grandmother #his siblings are going to make it impossible for this to be easy because his brother is like nothing in this house is yours except the #photos that’s it you have no claim to anything because this is my land take your photos and leave #and his sister is the worst #lots of family drama and honestly i don’t want any part in it #and everyone has so much to say about me and the way our relationship ended fifteen years ago but that’s on him not me #but i don’t want anything i just want this to be done and to go home #i want it to be over with #i’m exhausted and hungry but i also don’t want food #i’m not grieving but maybe i am i don’t know #I just want to leave now #txt

[gazeboarcade]

So like. I want more lgbt+ stories that have actors in them that Look Like People. I shan’t name any examples bc I can’t take the heat of whatever fans of the Medias there are that do this, but so many have these stunning, polished, fresh outta vogue actors in them. And sure, they can be insanely talented and put on a great show…

But like, isn’t anyone else tired of it? I don’t know any gay/trans people that look like that. It feels… inaccessible. It feels like looking at something that’s meant to be a story you should (by all logic) love because it’s! your! people!

And yet… it’s not. Those aren’t my people. My people look like people.

#idk give me something to sink my teeth into 🤷🏻 #some stuff does actually do this in ways that’s fun/camp/earnest even #which is great!! but so much lgbt+ stuff coming out the last fistful of years or so #that’s. almost all there is #it’s disheartening !!! like I’m not saying you have to hire 1000% ‘’ugly’’ people or what have you #just like can we grow up and hire people of a variety of ages #or with cooler hair or god forbid SCREAM body hair!!!! #can people have a rich identity #can they be beefy or strong or even a mite fat #ARENT WE BORED GUYS #ARENT WE A BIT BORED??????? #a tooth gap even. freckles #things that small shouldn’t be invisible but they are so of FUCKING COURSE a lesbian can’t exist on tv who’s masc and also shy or kind #idk just fuck off fuck off im so tired of it #it’s exhausting #pls no one give me shit abt this I #I. Will get annoyed

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

being sick as an adult sucks. wdym my mom won’t just automatically make sure I eat food instead of exclusively drinking Gatorade all day. wdym I have to ask my roommates to make me dinner. I have to Venmo a friend money to buy me more Gatorade?? I can’t focus enough to do homework??? I hate this.

#this is a silly haha humor post but in all seriousness. #COVID rly is just making me stare all the internalized ableism in the eye #yes worth isnt defined by productivity and disability and the idea of being a burden is part of being human and isn’t shameful at all #until I have to minorly inconvenience people to meet my basic needs #I really want to eat dinner but that would require asking my roommates to make me dinner which is just. 5 kinda of mortifying. #even though if someone I knew was sick I would not be upset about making them food! sick people need to eat! #my parents ordered me chipotle yesterday bc they were so concerned bc of how I sounded over the phone #and my friend went out and bought me juice and Gatorade and popsicles and took me to the doctor #the support system Exists I just feel bad about having to use it T-T #I just want to be hugged and read to and reminded to eat food but I am an adult now and not at home #lonely TT-TT #it’ll be okay I’m probably just emotional bc I’m sick and hungry #I also just am struggling so hard because I want to catch up on my classwork Right Now #but I can get through maybe one assignment before I’m too exhausted to keep sitting up #and I have to lay down and close my eyes and sleep or do a light activity like playing candy crush for the fifty bazillionth time #I’ve gotten through like. 100 levels this week. #I’m losing my dang marbles. I am gonna be so behind in ASL Susan is gonna be so disappointed in me #I feel like I have all this energy when I’m laying down bored but as soon as I sit up I feel like I’m floating and about to fall over #so. so tired. why can’t I be healthy already and do homework T-T. #I’m choosing to take this as a lesson to slow down and not overwork myself so hard. instead of being mad at myself for getting behind. #<- is trying and failing not to be mad at herself for getting behind

[archiveofyearning]

I think…it is time for me to give up on ever finding love

#which is a shame bc there’s so much of it inside of me that i feel like i’m drowning in it #and i just want to be able to share it with someone and love someone completely and be loved completely in return but #i feel like i no longer know how to be vulnerable anymore #and have spent so much time learning how to be alone that i’m terrified of anything different #but even if all of that weren’t true. no one wants to be with me #no matter how much i try to put myself out there #i’m not seen as worthy by anyone #and it’s bc exhausting dwelling on it and constantly obsessing over what’s wrong with me and why no one wants me so #i’ve decided to give up. and just make peace with my current existence #it’s ok if it’s just me forever. i will learn how to be enough for myself

[hdmiports]

unfortunately i woke up again today 😪👎

#hdmiports #i’m so tired of like being a human #would give anything to not have to exist rn tbh im exhausted

[hotgirlmuseboardxo]

feeling veryyyyyy like i’m about to go insane today but instead of doing that im going to make a snack and do yoga and colour :)

#my mind is trying to create problems that don’t exist ✋🏼 #and i’m halfway thru this long ass transit of pluto squaring my midheaven #shit’s been exhausting lmfao like that’s basically huge upheaval in ur career and that’s exactly what the past few months have been for me #but now i’m serving my purpose so purr :) #the transit still going until december tho 😐 and it’s having its second peak rn until valentine’s day omfg #coming out on the other side will b so sexy. gots 2 see it thru my boy 🫡 #i luv astrology #👼🏻