#like I had lost so much weight in 6 months of being in lockdown from stress and depression that when I got to winter I was like when did I | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

letters-left-unread · 3 months

Text

Smite, I wrote something thinking of our time.

It's the middle of summer here. I'm wondering if I can die from overheating. Preferably in my sleep. I imagine it's painful but I imagine all deaths are. I'm scared of pain. What if ghosts aren't real and I don't get to see him again even in my final memories. But the weight of survival is reaching unbearable levels.

For all my trying. Struggling. Fighting. I have done so much damage. Hurt people. I never thought about it much before. Many of the people I hurt was in response to how they treated me. I was trying to get better. Trying to improve the situation. So many resources poured into my existence. For what? Things to constantly go wrong?

I am a curse. How I exist is too much. I can't escape myself. Since I was a child I believed that people are better off without me. So I pushed people away. Finding just enough cruelty to keep them away. But I didn't really want that. I knew I would just keep reaching out to try fix things. I ask too much and then blow up. I was trying so hard.

One day I wanted to wake up. I would get to see him. I had the rhythm down. I had worked so hard to be able to engage with healthy habits like these. I was happy. It lasted 6 months. Then it all came crashing down. A car crash and trapped with omega over the worst of lockdown.

I thought I was okay. I thought I could finally engage with people. Things weren't great but I proved I could do it. But one of the friends I had made preyed on me. Trying to get me to be with them in some capacity. Tearing into the relationship between Smite and me carefully. I was a fool. Easy to convince that I had been betrayed. After that things were never the same.

I tried to fix things and didn't know how. Clawing to not be at such a distance. I saw less and less of him as time went by. And I would get sad then angry. He would just say sorry but would never tell me why. Eventually I figured he'd be better off without me too. I said the cruelest things. And a greater distance was kept.

I couldn't walk anymore. I lost my job. The job which meant that I could save to bring us together. The legs that were my freedom. I didn't handle that well. Then more death came indirectly. Someone I knew a time ago but didn't like. Reminding me of the people I already lost. My mental illness was set to max and my baggage came through in full force to weigh us down.

I'd been starting to get more mobility back before he died. I'd started to realise that I was being stupid and should apologise. I tried. I figured I needed to talk to him about everything. But I didn't know how. I wanted to see him. But I panicked during the conversation and don't remember what happened. Now we'll never know.

I got a call letting me know that I'd been referred to the physio. It was on the same day I got confirmation that he died. One of the things that I had been trying to sort just felt so meaningless. It took months to get there. For what.

I feel that weight. The weight of everything that has been done wrong against me. The weight of all my mistakes. I still don't regret much of what I did before meeting him. So much of it feels justified. But him. To me he was nothing but kind. His anger gave me hope. I saw the destructive tendencies and I felt safer than I'd ever been.

I thought we were fighting to be better. Talking to doctors and such. We both seemed to feel the other would be better with someone else. So I said we should try be better then. Somewhere along the way it seems we got lost.

I still love him. I just wish he hadn't left me behind.

I wonder what you would think of this all.

Yours faithfully and forever ♥️ Sammiches x

0 notes

lokiondisneyplus · 3 years

Text

Natalie Holt's timeline was turned upside down last fall when she landed the highly-coveted composer gig for Marvel Studios' Loki series on Disney+.

"My agent got a general call-out looking for a composer on a Marvel project," she tells SYFY WIRE during a conversation over Zoom. "So, I didn’t know what it was. It was [described as] spacey and quite epic ... I sent in my show reel and then got an interview and got sent the script and then I realized what it was for. I was like, ‘Oh my god!’ It was amazing ... Loki was already one of my favorite characters, so I was really stoked to get to give him a theme and flesh him out in this way."

***WARNING! The following contains certain plot spoilers for the first four episodes of Loki!***

Imbued with glorious purpose, Holt knew the score had to match the show's gonzo premise about the Time Variance Authority, an organization that secretly watches over and manages every single timeline across the Marvel multiverse. The proposition of such an out-there sci-fi concept inspired the composer to bring in uniquely strange sounds, courtesy of synthesizers and a theremin.

"I got my friend, Charlie Draper, to play the theremin on my pitch that I had to do," she recalls. "They gave me a scene to score, which I’m sure they gave to loads of other composers. It was the Time Theater sequence in Episode 1. The bit from where he goes up the elevator and then into the Time Theater ... I just went to town on it and I wanted to impress them and win the job and put as many unusual sounds in there and make it as unique as possible."

The end result was a weird, borderline unnatural sound that wouldn't have felt out of place in a 1950s sci-fi B-movie about big-headed alien invaders. Rather than being turned off by Holt's avant garde ideas, Marvel Studios head honcho Kevin Feige embraced them, only giving the composer a single piece of feedback: "Push it further."

Holt admits that she was slightly influenced by Thor: Ragnarok ("I loved the score for it and everything"), which wasn't afraid to lean into the wild, Jack Kirby-created ideas floating around Marvel's cosmic locales. Director Taika Waititi's colorful and bombastic set pieces were perfectly complimented by an '80s-inspired score concocted by Devo co-founder, Mark Mothersbaugh.

"To be honest, I tried not to listen to it on its own," Holt says of the Ragnarok soundtrack. "I didn’t want to be too influenced by it. I watched the film a couple of times a few years ago, so yeah, I don’t think I was heavily referencing it. But I definitely had a memory of it in my mind."

After boarding Loki last September, Holt spent the next six months (mostly in lockdown) crafting a soundtrack that would perfectly reflect the titular god of mischief played by Tom Hiddleston. One of the first things she came up with was the project's main theme — a slightly foreboding cue that pays homage to the temporal nature of the TVA, as well as the main character's flair for the dramatic. "He always does things with a lot of panache and flair, and he’s very classical in his delivery."

She describes it as an "over-the-top grand theme with these ornate flourishes" that plays nicely with Loki's Shakespearean aura. "I wanted those ornaments and grand gestures in what I was doing. Then I also wanted to reflect that slightly analog world of the TVA where everything has lots of knobs and buttons ... [I wanted to] give it that slightly grainy, faded [and] vintage-y sci-fi sound as well."

"I just wanted it to feel like it had this might and weight — like there was something almost like a requiem about it," Holt continues. "These chords that are really powerful and strident and then they’ve got this blinking [sound] over the top. I just came up with that when I was walking down the street and I hummed it into my phone. There’s a video where you can just see up my nose and I’m humming [the theme]. I came home and I played it."

As a classically-trained musician, Holt drew on her love of Mahler, Dvořák, Beethoven, Mozart, and most importantly, Wagner. A rather fitting decision, given that an actual Valkyrie (played by Tessa Thompson) exists within the confines of the MCU.

"I would say those flourishes over the top of the Loki theme are very much Wagner," Holt says. "They’re like 'Ride of the Valkyries.’ I wanted people to kind of recall those big, classical, bombastic pieces and I wanted to give that weight to Loki’s character. That was very much a conscious decision to root it in classical harmony and classical writing ... There’s a touch of the divine to the TVA. It’s in charge of everything, so that’s why those big powerful chords [are there]. I wanted people almost to be knocked off their socks when they heard it."

With the main theme in place, Holt could then play around with it in different styles, depending on the show's different narrative needs. Two prime examples are on display in the very first episode during Miss Minutes' introductory video and the flashback that reveals Loki to be the elusive D.B. Cooper.

"What was really fun was [with] each episode, I got to pull it away and do a samba version of the theme or do a kind of ‘50s sci-fi version of the theme," she explains. "I can’t say other versions of the theme because they’re in Episode 5 and 6…or like when Mobius is pruned, I did this really heartfelt and very emotional [take on the theme] when you see Loki tearing up as he’s going down in slow motion down that corridor. It was cool to have the opportunity to try out so many different styles and genres. And it was big enough to take it all. It was a big enough story."

The other side of the story speaks to the old world grandeur of Loki's royal upbringing on Asgard, a city amongst the stars that eventually found its way into Norse mythology.

"I went to a concert in London three years ago and I heard these Norwegian musicians playing in this group called the Lodestar Trio," Holt recalls. "They do a take on Bach, where they’re kind of giving it a folk-y twist … [They use] a nyckelharpa and a Hardanger fiddle — they’re two historic Norwegian folk instruments. I just remembered that sound and I was like, ‘Oh, I have to use those guys in our score.’ It seemed like the perfect thing. I was like, ‘Yes, the North/Norwegian folk instruments.’ It just felt like it was the perfect thing for his mother and Asgard and his origins."

That folk-inspired sound also helped shape the music for Sylvie (played by Sophia Di Martino), a female variant of Loki with a rather tragic past. "Obviously, we’ve seen in Episode 4 what happened to her as a child," Holt says. "I just feel like she’s so dark. She’s basically grown up living in apocalypses, so she has that Norwegian folk violin sound, but her theme is incredibly dark and menacing and also, you don’t see her. She’s just this dark figure who’s murdering people for a while."

And then there were all the core members of the TVA to contend with. As Holt mentioned above, fans recently lost Agent Mobius (Owen Wilson), may he rest in prune. We mean peace. What? Too soon? During a recent interview with SYFY WIRE, Loki head writer Michael Waldron said that he based Mobius off of Tom Hanks's dogged FBI agent Carl Hanratty in 2002's Catch Me If You Can.

"There’s this thing that he loves jet ski magazines," Holt says. "I had this character in my head and then when I saw Owen Wilson’s performance, I was like, ‘Oh, he’s actually a lot lighter and he plays it in a different way from how I’d imagined.’ But I was listening to Bon Jovi and those slightly rock-y anthemic things. ‘90s rock music for some reason was my Mobius sound palette."

Mobius is pruned on the orders of his longtime friend, Ravonna Renslayer (Gugu Mbatha-Raw), after learning that everyone who works for the TVA is a variant who was unceremoniously plucked out of their original timelines. A high-ranking member of the quantum-based agency, Renslayer has a theme that "is quite tied in with Mobius and it’s like a high organ," Holt adds. "It doesn’t quite know where it’s going yet. But yeah, we’ll have to see what happens with that one."

Wilson's character isn't the only person fed up with the TVA's lies. Hunter B-15 (Wunmi Mosaku) also became disillusioned with the place and allowed Sylvie to escape in the most recent episode

"Hunter B-15 has this moment in Episode 4 where Sylvie shows her her past, her memories. I thought that was a really powerful moment for her," Holt says. I feel like she’s such a fighter and when she comes into the Time-Keepers and she makes that decision, like, ‘I’m switching sides,’ so her theme is more like a drum rhythm. I actually kind of sampled my voice and you can hear that with the drums. I did loads of layers of it, just like this horrible sliding sound with this driving rhythm underneath it. So, that was B-15 and then her softer side when she has her memory given back to her."

Speaking of the Time-Keepers, we finally got to meet the creators of the Sacred Timeline...or at least we thought we did. Loki and Sylvie are shocked to learn that the red-eyed guardians of reality are nothing but a trio of high-end animatronics (ones that could probably be taken out by a raging Nicolas Cage). Even before Sylvie manages to behead one of them, something definitely feels off with the Time-Keepers, which meant Holt could underscore the uncanny valley feeling in the score.

"When they walked in for their audience with the Time-Keepers, it was like this huge gravitas," she says. "But you look up and there’s something a bit wrong about them. I don’t know if you felt that or if you just totally believed. You were like, ‘Oh, this is so strange.’ I just felt like there was something a little bit off and musically, it was fun to play around with that."

Holt is only the second solo female composer to work on an MCU project, following in the footsteps of Captain Marvel's Pinar Toprak. Her involvement with Loki represents the studio's growing commitment to diversity, both in front of and behind the camera. This Friday will see the wide release of Black Widow, the first Marvel film to be helmed solely by a woman (Cate Shortland). Four months after that, Chloé Zhao's Eternals will introduce the MCU's first openly gay character into the MCU.

"I just feel like it’s an honor and a privilege to have had that chance to be the second woman to score a thing in the MCU and to be in the same league as those incredible composers like Mothersbaugh and Alan Silvestri. They're just legends," Holt says. "Another distinctive thing about [the show] is that all the heads of department are pretty much women. Marvel are showing themselves to be really progressive and supportive and encouraging. I applaud [them]. Whatever they’re doing seems to be working and people seem to be liking it as well, so that’s awesome."

Holt's score for Vol. 1 of Loki (aka Episodes 1-3) are now streaming on every music-based platform you could think of. Episodes 1-4 are available to watch on Disney+ for subscribers. Episode 5 (the show's penultimate installment) debuts on the platform this coming Wednesday, July 7.

Natalie isn't able to give up any plot spoilers for the next two episodes (no surprise there), but does tease "the use of a big choir" in one of them. "Episode 6, I’m excited for people to hear it," she concludes. "That’s all I can say."

#Natalie Holt #composer #Loki #OST

112 notes · View notes

letsdiscoverkitty · 3 years

Text

Treatment/Recovery Update - May 2021

Okay, I will try to ramble less in this one (so sorry!) ^ well that didn't happen!

In terms of when I did leave hospital, as I mentioned a tiny bit in the last post, my EDP was completely AWOL. A month before I was due to be discharged she came to a meeting with myself and my consultant, during which we set up 4 appointments that would be over zoom before I was discharged to help with relapse prevention and the transition home, as well as setting out, in principle, the therapeutic support that I would be getting once home...it all sounded great, so great. But as usual when it comes to my team, it was too good to be true (should have called it). I attempted to contact her when our appointments never happened but I kept being met by a brick wall; no one knew what was happening, all I got told was that she was "off"... Time passed and I was discharged with only a phone call booked in from someone from the general team to check I was safe a few days later (it was literally 5 minutes, long if that) and an appointment to do physical monitoring the next wee....a far cry from the original discharge plan *sigh* Coming home was a bit of a whirlwind. We were approaching Christmas but we were still under a lot of restrictions with COVID, so it was a very strange/messy/weird few weeks.

Time continued to pass and there was still no confirmation around therapy or support, even the ED team didn't know what was happening with L, I just continued to go to two weekly physical monitoring. In the end, with nowhere else to turn, I contacted my consultant from hospital. To say that she was mad that nothing had been in place/I had no support would be an understatement and I thank my lucky stars that she was able to get involved. It took a couple of weeks but I finally had my first session with a therapist in February. In total it took about 8-9weeks from discharge to see someone, which, well, was hard.

Upon reflection, I think one of the biggest things I struggled with with coming home was that I had literally no leave to practice beforehand. This meant that I unfortunately slipped back into old habits very quickly as, well I know it is no excuse but coming back to the same environment your brain easily slips into automatic mode and you find yourself doing what you "used" to do without realising it.

I was in, I would say, quite a vulnerable state when I left hospital (the last few months there were pretty rocky to say the least) and the day before I was discharged (as I mentioned in a previous post somewhere) I was handed 3 different, very conflicting, meal plans and the nutritionist who had previously been very horrible to me and who had been away for a number of weeks, told me that she did not think I could continue to recover at home and that the best possible case would be if I only lost a bit of weight over the next 6 months....I think you can probably guess how badly this was taken and how messy my mind was. So with 3 meal plans in hand, none of which I had practiced, with little to no support from the ED team, I was, essentially, crisis managing, simply trying to get through each day.

I know, I know. Classic kitty - stuck record. failure. mess. making a million and one excuses. trying to make out like she is fine to the rest of the world when in fact inside she was falling apart. sigh.

In terms of my weight recovery I was not discharged at a healthy BMI/weight, which my consultant was sad about, however I was in a much better place than when I was admitted (I think I had gained about half the weight I would have needed to from when I was admitted to get to a healthy weight). I will admit that part of me does wonders whether staying would have been beneficial, because on a very basic level yes it could have helped in some ways. However if I stretch my mind back to when I was still on the ward ,it actually still floods me with anxiety and fear because of how UNHELPFUL the environment had sadly become. It is hard to explain to someone who has not experienced an EDU, but the patient groups can and do make a massive of differences. I was vvv lucky that when I was initially admitted, and for the first good couple of months, it was a v supportive and recovery focused environment. However, by about late Sept/early October ,things turned completely upside down (which was not helped by the fresh COVID lockdowns either) and even staff were saying how terrible it had gotten and how they could not believe the things that they were being asked to manage on the progression ward. There were times when I felt incredible unsafe on the ward and feared for others patients, which is not "okay". I genuinely believe that staying any longer would have likely made my mental health decline further; I had already found the massive shift was negatively affecting me and I think staying would have been unwise. I had also gained quite a lot of weight and was, I hate to admit, struggling with both coming to terms with that along with dealing with everything that you are continually facing when going through treatment/recovery alongside working on trauma stuff. I know none of that is any worthy excuse, but that was how it was...At this time I was struggling a lot with my meal plan and had quite a few lapses whilst on the transition phase of the unit however despite screaming out for help/support from staff, because of the acute situation on the ward, I was just left. They knew I was struggling, I was told time and time again that they had not forgotten me, but did I get help? no. It was actually made worse by the then nutritionist who sat me down like a naughty school girl and basically told me that I was a failure and that I would never achieve anything in life blah blah blah (please see a past post if you want to know more) which made me even more scared to reach out for 'help'/'support'. So no, I don't think staying would have helped much, which is a real shame.

Therapy wise I had a bit of a rough ride in there (god I'm really selling this aren't I?!). When admitted I was not in a place for 'traditional' therapy what so ever; looking back I honestly have no idea how I was even 'functioning' (was I functioning? probably not) and even the group therapies were a struggle but my consultant stuck with me and with time I was able to process a little more. One thing that helped me beyond words was 1:1 Art Therapy. This was not something I had accessed before, only ever doing group sessions in the past which was mostly about getting away from the ward and doing a bit of art. I cannot reiterate enough how different and HELPFUL the 1:1 sessions were. The art therapy, who I knew from the last year and is an absolutely GEM, helped me to begin to process and work through the trauma that I had experienced with dad. It took a lot of time and persistence but I was able to use those sessions in so many ways and I will forever be grateful to P for supporting me (I was so lucky to be able to have 1:1 sessions for the majority of my 8 admission).

The more traditional therapy initially took the form of 30min sessions with my consultant once to twice a week (as much as I hated them, she was bloody good). I also had a review and a few sessions with the lead therapist via zoom (she was heavily pregnant so was working from home) not long after being admitted, but she soon went on maternity leave. This left me to be picked up by her student, who was actually incredible. We did a long extended piece of work on my perfectionism which, again, was SO helpful but she sadly left (for bigger and better things) and I was left hanging for a while as there were no other openings. A new lead therapist started and after a while he did a few sessions with me before leaving suddenly (I think even staff only had a weeks notice, which was ridiculous), so I was back to twiddling thumbs for a few weeks. I then met with a therapist who worked 2 mornings a week that I saw a bit during my last admission but we didn't do many sessions and it just fell away. This was mostly my fault as by this point I was questioning my admission and whether I would self discharge as there were some not good things going on on the ward, so I wasn't really in the headspace to explore things deeply and had been picked up and put down so many times that I just couldn't do anymore. Throughout that time though I continued to see my consultant weekly, mainly focusing on mindfulness and other therapy styles thrown in there too at times.

I will forever be thankful/grateful for the admission I had, especially to be under a different consultant (for COVID reasons they had to split things differently as they would usually do it by area but that wasn't possible at the time I was admitted) as her approach made a huge difference. I still remember one of the first things she said to me was that she couldn't believe/was that I had been placed on the SEED pathway and that she believed that I could be more than that, which honestly, gave me a little bit of hope (something that had been ripped apart and shredded by my usual consultant multiple times).

But back to now.... I have now been seeing a new therapist weekly (when possible) since February and, in a backwards way, I am so glad that L disappeared off the grid because the "support" I was going to be getting under the original plan was just sessions with her to do some self guided self help stuff, whereas with this therapist we have actually been doing some HELPFUL work. In terms of L, I think the last I was told she never returned to work and has now left the team (we have a sneaky feeling that she either had a complete break down or that it was due to too may complaints (mum called this a long time ago as she was not qualified for the role at all and was utterly useless), which, yeah, was strange to not get an ending as I had worked with her for a few years. Anyway, I've been doing SCHEMA therapy with this new lady (I'd not heard of it before) and at first I was a bit reluctant but it's been incredibly insightful. I continue to learn more about myself and the reasons why I may have gone down certain roads each session. HOWEVER. and this is a big however. There has been a bit of a snag in the rope.

In short, yes I have been engaging really well with the therapy side, my weight and physical health has only continued to deteriorate since i was discharged. We are talking classic kitty of slowly slipped backwards, nothing dramatic, nothing to make alarm bells go off or warrant a review, but it's not been good. Anorexia is screaming at me for saying all of this, it shouts "but you weigh so much more than when you were admitted, you are a complete fraud blah blah blah" which is all the same old boring drivel it always spews out. But basically Im in dangerous waters now in terms of losing therapy/not being able to engage with therapy properly if things dont improve. Ive been in classic stuck mode, getting so absorbed by the numbers and the bubble that AN offers, that I have been numb to it all. The HCA I was seeing was really trying to help me to make changes but she left a while ago (she was going back to train as a nurse) and since then I have had the odd appointment here and there (I think it fell to every 3 weeks for a while as there were no available appointments) with people trying to cover the clinic until someone else is hired for the role, which is far from ideal as they literally just do the necessary obs and send you on your way.

Okay that sounds like yet another excuse, which is probably is, but it's not been an easy ride since I left hospital to say the least.

BUT this past week things have begun to shift a little. I was honest with my therapist about the whole food/meal plan side of things and we actually spoke about how we can't focus on therapy things until I am in a more stable place, which is both really hard to hear but also exactly what I need to hear. I am actually being more open to change, which is a shift from where I was just a week ago. It is bloody painful, even just thinking about it all hurts/is exhausting and I am still very much in the darkness /struggling with it but there is now a little part of me that is screaming out and trying to be heard. There is a little part of me that WANTS to get out of this endless messy limbo that this relapse has been and wants to start stepping back into "recovery". There is part of me that wants a chance. And I've got to start listening to that side a little more.

I promise, the next update will be a little more positive Stay tuned.

#personal #update #If anyone actually reads this you deserve a medal #im sorry #this is a crappy update #I promise there are more positive things to come #I have things to tell you all!!!

30 notes · View notes

twh-news · 3 years

Text

Loki' composer on how her MCU score reflects the main character's flair for the dramatic

By Josh Weiss

Natalie Holt's timeline was turned upside down last fall when she landed the highly-coveted composer gig for Marvel Studios' Loki series on Disney+.

***WARNING! The following contains certain plot spoilers for the first four episodes of Loki!***

The other side of the story speaks to the old world grandeur of Loki's royal upbringing on Asgard, a city amongst the stars that eventually found its way into Norse mythology.

Wilson's character isn't the only person fed up with the TVA's lies. Hunter B-15 (Wunmi Mosaku) also became disillusioned with the place and allowed Sylvie to escape in the most recent episode

#Loki #loki series #natalie holt #Loki spoilers #loki series spoilers #Article #Interview #SYFY #Long post

15 notes · View notes

terminalchaos · 3 years

Text

Hiya!

I thought for my second post, I’d do a bit about my symptoms and what lead me to getting my diagnosis. Obviously it’s different for everyone, and I got extremely lucky. So bare that in mind! Warning: I get a bit sweary in this one. I have a lot of feelings about it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The city I live in, Melbourne, is officially the most locked-down city in the world in relation to COVID-19. After what has been a fucking exhausting few years, we are well and truly over it at this point. But what I didn’t realise going into the first lockdown (last year at some point) was how much I would suffer, and how badly this whole crock of absolute bullshite would affect me.

Last year in the first lockdown, I was a full-time university student, working as a medical transcriber and at an acting studio, facilitating workshops with directors, casting directors, etc. This was fine for about 2 weeks. Then everything started to fall apart, very slowly. I stopped going to my lectures and my tutorials. I started asking for extensions, more and more often. I had always been a last-minute student, starting essays on the day they were due, with about 3-5 hours set aside to sit and do the whole thing. Throughout school I do not think I did a single bit of homework on time, unless it was something I genuinely wanted to do. I often just didn’t do it, copped a detention, and moved on with my life.

This is extremely aggravating to me now, seeing that I was around hundreds of educated adults, and. Not. A. Single. Fucking. One. Either knew I was displaying symptoms of ADHD, or cared enough to try and help me. I don’t know what’s worse. It was simply punish the bad student, who never did their homework, and never studied, and never revised, and always forgot the in-class tests, and always struggled with remembering things. So, I adjusted. I still never did my homework, but I stopped caring about classes. I was rude to teachers who were rude to me, and would snap back at any teacher who didn’t show me the same respect they expected from me.

I was so, so angry.

It was completely unfair. I didn’t know why I was the only person who couldn’t do these basic things, like getting my planner signed after every week. So I resorted back to the things society told me I was: stupid, incompetent, lazy. That lead to a not great mindset, which lasted from the ages of about 13-20. I still struggle with a lot of these things, but in different contexts.

Anyway, the ways I coped at school started to fall apart at university. And they really fell apart with lockdown. Being in my house for 23 hours a day, with incredibly stringent rules, meant my ADHD just pent up. I couldn’t do anything. Not even things I wanted to do, and the pressure of deadlines weren’t enough to prod my brain into action. I just couldn’t do anything.

I figured this wasn’t normal, and one day I saw a post on ADHD in AFAB people. I read through it, and it resonated with me. Odd, I don’t have excess energy. In fact, I would oversleep constantly. Often, 12 hours a night wasn’t enough for me, and I would fall asleep at 2am. Caffeine would put me to sleep! My partner at the time would be on my back about how much I slept, constantly. He didn’t understand my ADHD presentation, which is reasonable, because I didn’t either. He would get irritated because the second I got any money, I wouldn’t save it. I’d buy things. I’d constantly put on weight because I would buy sugary snacks whenever I could. I would say yes to anything that would give me a second of joy.

When you have ADHD, your dopamine is running on empty. So everything you do is to try and boost your dopamine. It leads to a lot of behaviours that people see as irresponsible and reckless, because they can be. But it’s because our brains are screaming out for dopamine hits, however big, however long lasting. Now I know this, and can stop myself before doing these dopamine-seeking behaviours (the medications obviously help).

Reading this post about ADHD, I didn’t immediately do a deep-dive of research. I forgot about it for a while. I remembered my mum telling me when I was young that I “probably had some form of ADD, or something like that” after I spilled my guts about something that had been on my mind. I would start talking, and not stop. More and more of these little pieces started clicking. Then, I started doing actual research. I can’t remember details because, y’know, ADHD. But these symptoms started making sense. Not being able to control my impulses? Check. I am obscenely impulsive. Not being able to keep relationships? Check. Half of my friends from school in England I wanted to keep in contact with, I had completely deserted. Memory issues, not being able to keep a routine, missing deadlines, having slightly “kooky” interests, hyperfocusing, the paralysis I would feel when there were so many things to do, and I just sat in bed for 6 hours doing nothing, not eating.

I sat and cried on my partner’s bed while he comforted me. I cried over the fact I had an answer. I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t lazy.

From there, I pursued a diagnosis. This was tricky: I tried three different clinics (one of which lost my referral 4 times! Shout out Alfred Road Clinic lol), and emailed different ADHD psychiatrists like crazy. I got no responses.

6 months after my initial referral, I cried to my family about how frustrating it was, knowing what was wrong with me, knowing there was treatment, but not being able to access it. Imagine how frustrating it is not being able to do anything, knowing there is a way to help, but not having access to it.

Eventually, a few strings were tugged, and I got an appointment in June 2021. July 2021, I was put on Vyvanse 30mg by my psychiatrist.

The first day I took my medication, I sat and did my Korean homework for 2 hours. Then, I sat and cried. I have never concentrated for 2 hours on demand like that.

I was furious, relieved, and incredibly sad for the 23 years I had lost, feeling like my body and mind were two separate entities. Having all these things I wanted to achieve, and achieving none. I learnt so many things were coping mechanisms I used to balance my ADHD brain: trying to be early as possible to avoid being late. Notes on my phone reminding me of everything I need to do. Double checking things three, four times.

All these things I wanted to try, and having tried none. Not being able to exercise as it made me sleepy and I never felt the benefits. Finding certain things unbearable for no reason. Getting in trouble for stupid things just because I couldn’t convince myself the dopamine payoff would be worth it. Having built nearly no skills as a young person because I had no direction. This was compounded by my want to achieve, but feeling that I couldn’t do anything, because this invisible barrier kept me in a snowglobe of my own shame and frustration. All because my stupid fucking brain was too busy trying to get hits of dopamine whenever and wherever it could.

I thought about how my A Level results would have been different if any of the adults in my life had clocked this when I was 13.

I thought about the things I could have achieved if anyone had thought to investigate just a little further.

I still cry about these things. The me that was prevented from living by ADHD taunts me from another dimension. Cow.

I needed to start to get to know myself without the dopamine addict brain. What I want to achieve, what was now possible, and how to avoid feeling like I will never achieve anything I want to. My main goal is to start having 3 meals a day, something I have never, ever been able to sustainably do. I’m still working on this.

3 notes · View notes

editorialsonlife · 3 years

Text

Well

Welp, feeling like doing an update because there's been a lot going on to be honest. its one of those weird dichotomies where every day feels like an eternity and there's so much going on and then you look back and you're like oh, ok its just my brain making it difficult and making things take forever but anyway.

LOCKDOOOOOOOWWWWWWNNNNNNN

Lockdown life was good, apart from being thrust into it so suddenly dave left a banana on his desk. Wasn't great to come back to after 5 weeks out of the office - mummified mouldy banana!! Classic. We luckily got our first jab before lockdown started so that was good, and we were reasonably well stocked up on food and were generally a lot healthier this lockdown that last. honestly, there's a level of chill and serenity in lockdown that i just love. the ability to set my own schedule and only work the hours I actually work to get the job done? Amazing. getting 8.5 hours of sleep each night without having to wake to an alarm blaring? AMAZING. getting to go for walks every afternoon? SO FLIPPING GOOD. I love it so much, I really really do. I need this to be my life permanently.

WORK

Work is just ongoing and draining and honestly, coming back to the office was so fucking stressful and it was only one day. Being at home is just the fucking bomb. Pending home decisions, I wanna go contracting I think, but also ideally two part time contracts to have more flexibility? I dunno. You'd think a big 4 would provide variety but it really doesn't and honestly, with Richie leaving, wellington is just a sinking ship. Sean's off on parental leave, Kirstyn is down to four days a week, ben will be gone if he doesn't get promoted (and I don't think he will be tbh). Jack is just muddling along, Nigel wants to swap to consulting as well, Matt's going to be a shit leader in terms of bringing in work so it's just not going to work. and in our wider group it's going to get even more messy with heaps of the analysts leaving and a couple of senior hires too. so I think it's probably time to jump ship in general, pending the home stuff below. Also, coming back after a break again, I'm like, I don't actually like a lot of you? All the people I enjoy here are in other teams and groups, and I'll be sad to leave you all, but like, not enough to stay anyway lol.

Pending the home below, two options are to just going and get a job with a $30k payrise to make up for the maternity leave benefits I'm gunna leave behind when I leave this role - 18 weeks full pay, $100 a week for the first year back and a full year of maternity leave. It's basically 30k post tax which is a bit nuts to walk away from to be honest.

Otherwise the other option is to go contracting. Less security overall but holy shit so much money. If I went in as a project coordinator at the lowest rate to build up a bit of a portfolio I'd need to work 40 weeks of 40 hr weeks and Id basically match my current salary plus the lost family leave benefits and still qualify for govt maternity leave payments. Realistically I could go in as a project manager for $140 an hour ($60 more an hour than the above math) and absolutely smash it at that level as well so ya know, there's a bunch of other info. I like the idea of the flexibility of it and only having 6 months even if its a shitshow and beign able to walk away at the end of it. I really don't want to get a govt job and this is a v govt town which is fine but also, if I can avoid it that would be great. I just know I'm not gunna thrive in that environment.

Need to talk to Dave to get him across the line on the security issue part of that though. I've mostly come a long way in terms of my financial management (thanks YNAB) so I think he'd be ok with it mostly.

So there's a lot to toss up there because......

HOME

We got the reno plans done during lockdown, finally. which was super good. but holy fkn jesus $$$$$$ ++++++++++. The guy is coming around for the final quote on Thursday. We indicatively said $100k total because we're doing kitchen laundry bathroom and toilet. so only the most expensive rooms and when I was talking to him last week he said 'that might cover it' and they're seeing cost escalations of 7-10% a week which is just insane. we're not doing anything structural apart from putting in a cavity slider in the bathroom, and the quote they'll give us won't include flooring since they won't do it.

Meanwhile, the prefab homes I were looking at for our site were $425k fully done. Like, I'm not going to spend $130K on doing up my 1940s ex state house ya know? That's not good cost benefit ratio.

So depending on what that comes out at on thursday we'll be able to make some plans.

We also want to start trying for kids next year and need these renos done first - I am not having kids and no dishwasher lol.

Also we need bank financing so good to be in a permanent stable job for that application. the good thing is we have so much equity we know we can borrow whatever we need, I just don't want to spend that much money on it because it's fkn ridiculous. and if I'm going on maternity leave we need to be able to cover it all on dave's salary and whatever benefits I have as well so there;s a lot of financial planning and spreadsheeting going on at the moment lol. it's fab.

either way. we've got plenty of options up our sleeve. we've got friends who's brother owns a building company so we can talk to them, we've got the garage so we can get things prefabricated even if they're not installed til next year, Dave can get shit at cost through his work for whiteware, there;s plenty of things to like cost control we can do, we just need to know where we're starting from basically. thats the challenging part. but we'll figure it out, its just taking longer than I want it to basically.

We also planted up the vege garden for the spring/summer which was lovely, super jazzed about that. we've finally got the garden to a reasonably low maintenance level where everything is mostly under control and it's such a relief, honestly.

PERSONAL

Man what a shift to lockdown last year honestly. I think the last 8 weeks in particular has just been like, a massive reality check of how absolutely shit the last year was and how fucking glad I am to be rid of it. I spent a week absolutely spiralling 2 weeks ago now and honestly, I don't know how I lived in the state for more than a year. I actually don't know how I did it. and I could not be more glad that I'm finally on the other side of it, for the most part. There's still a bunch of other stuff to work through (hahahahahaha when is there not like damn) but fucking hell its nice to just not be anxious and nauseous and wound up constantly. life is actually accessible. miracle.

My workmate had his bebe - I went round and got newborn cuddles and was like, oh, is this what it is to be clucky? this is odd. so there's that as well. I think we'll probably start trying next year pending renos and jobs etc. If the renos can be done in jan I'll prob just stick it at the job to get the benefits but I dunno. it's a tough call to make really. we shall see. This all assumes we get knocked up without any issues which is questionable these days. I really want to feel healthier before getting pregnant as well, and part of that is losing weight. however, given discussing that is what triggered the spiral we're working on that one slowly.

Also, lets have a moment for counselling, because fkn bless anne and all her hard work honestly. I actually ended up emailing her being like, I;m losing my shit on the monday and then talked to her on thursday. And its so funny because it's such a counselling thing but I didn't realise until afterwards what she'd done but she was like you're clearly not doing well and then the night before dave got a fkn miserable migraine and he was up for like, 2 hrs powerchucking except he didn't make it to the bathroom in time so guess who was cleaning up vomit at 130am trying not to chuck herself but I digress. anyway, not doing well, couldn't even explain why, didn't even have words and super tired and she's like, what lynaire up to this week how's she going with izzy and chat about that and then be like how are you feeling about your body and then 5 more mins of chat about the cat and the chickens and then like bam hard question and then hows it going with x and y and z and its like, it wasn't til I was on my walk afterwards when I FINALLY started feeling marginally better I was like damn woman work your magic for figuring it out for me and helping me reregulate. all over the phone as well since we were still in lockdown. GREAT WORK FRIEND.

and then last week was like totally fucked theoretical discussion about religion and the role it's played in my life and fate vs free will and all this nutty shit but genuinely just a great discussion. She's the best and I love her. thank good for good counsellors. thank god I can afford to pay for it honestly.

Dave and I are just chugging along, god bless that man. I love him. its amazing. I miss having friends close by but understand why they had to move (boooooo f u house prices). Family is pretty chill, still not really talking to dave's parents which is nightmarish but we'll deal with that when we need to. gunna have to go and visit them at some point coz dave misses them and I feel for him, I really do. It's the whole boundaries renegotiation I went through with my family last year post wedding blow up and its just not a fun place to be. oh well. can't fix it for him but also I'm not putting up with that level of BS from either of our families once we have children. not gunna happen.

Either way, life is busy and full and fun and I'm enjoying it. Daylight savings starts this weekend too, its october next week WTF and I'm just waiting for 4pm to find out what's gunna happen to our girls trip. Clearly we cancelled our sept trip to christchurch and akaroa and hanmer springs so my covid travel curse continues. fkn ridic. Still dunno what we're gunna do with $2500 of flight credits coz if we get knocked up theres def no international trips happening any time soon.

thus concludes the almost 2000 word write up of life. hope you've enjoyed it. I'll throw up some pics in a separate post if people care about reno plans. such a good time!

4 notes · View notes

amphtaminedreams · 4 years

Text

The Summer of Disappointment: Lookbook no.11

Hi to anyone reading,

Welcome to an exploration of one of my favourite combinations of activities: putting outfits together and moaning. Straight off the bat-this summer has been a shitty one. The pandemic has made 2020 a shitty year all round. My feelings are best summed up in this tweet by @25lambs (I love her account but this girl changes her @ every other week so it will probably have changed again by the time I post this):

The uncertainty of when life will return to some semblance of “normality” is the hardest part. I also feel like I lost a big chunk of my life to, well, being miserable basically, especially during my teen years and my plans to make up for that in my 20s has been potentially snatched away. That being said, in the grand scheme of things, I am very lucky. I still have a job and I haven’t lost anyone close to me, which are both hugely traumatic things that many people have had to go through as a result of the pandemic. I think being sad about how the pandemic has affected your life and also recognising that there are people who are facing a far greater amount of hardship than you are not mutually exclusive which is something people online tend to forget on a daily basis. I also thought we had longer, if that makes sense, like summer came and went in such a short space of time it almost feels like it hasn’t happened yet, and being the extremely anal individual I am, of course I had a load of outfits planned that I never got round to wearing-instead of sulking about what didn’t happen, I instead decided I’d make a bit of a lookbook out of those outfits as well as a kind of diary of what I did get round to wearing.

So that’s enough rambling from me! I’ll get on with it!

Looks 1-3

Depop has been my absolute favourite thing for the last few months. I gave up fast fashion around May and apart from a slip up or two, I’ve pretty much stuck to that since. That being said, I am clearly very into fashion and styling and so it’s been a hard transition to make (yes, first world problems IK, don’t bait me), especially with me being a compulsive shopper. Wanna know how to lose weight? The jig is up guys, switch from emotional eating to emotional shopping. I’m joking, nobody needs to lose any weight, but I am 100% someone who attempts to cure feeling like shit with some good old instant gratification, and Depop has filled my fast fashion void. My favourite purchases from the last few months include this tan faux suede jacket on the left I bought from Tash_Hall’s shop, and aside from that everything here is old. It makes me feel like I’m a background extra in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and I’m into that. The movie was shit but the visuals were top tier.

-21/07/20-

(top handmade by sophieeee_1123 on Depop)

-30/09/20-

(dress from maisiemainwaring on Depop, jacket from marinamcaleesex)

-18/09/20-

(top handmade by maddypageknitwear on Depop)

-25/07/20-

(cargo trousers from amber_thomson1 on Depop)

Looks 4-6

So I doubt anyone actually reads my fashion week reviews-I know everyone’s here for the pictures-but if you did, you’d know how much I wanted last season’s Erdem hats to happen off the runway. You know, the big boater ones that tie under the chin? Well, I got one off Ebay, as you can see on the left, I can confirm that in anything other than still life they look absolutely fucking ridiculous; I never ended up wearing mine outside the house because if I wore it for more than two seconds it would end up teetering to one side and slipping off my head, hence me trying to pass off holding it up as a fashion moment, lol. Maybe they are completely impractical, maybe I just have a big head (which is true), who knows. The beaded butterfly top however (from Depop but I can’t find the seller’s account anymore!), also on the left, was way more flattering on than I expected it to be and I am gutted I didn’t get to wear it out. If they’re right about a vaccine not being ready until July 2021 then it looks like next summer’s festival season will be cancelled too, but festival season 2022, this top is coming for ya. Optimism, you know. Other than that, the shorts are reworked Levis from Studsnstuff vintage on Ebay, which I have ALWAYS wanted and now irritatingly pair with absolutely everything and call it a look, and the two piece is stolen from my sister’s wardrobe, lol. Lastly, we have the sunhat, which reminds me of something my parents would’ve put me in when I was little and is totally adorable, from Happydais’ Depop store.

-28/07/20-

-12/07/20-

(top from tash2 on Depop, skirt from anishacassanova)

-27/08/20-

(skirt from mollie_morton on Depop)

-19/08/20-

(jeans from izziesanders on Depop)

-16/09/20-

Looks 6-10

Up there with my favourite Depop purchases of the summer is the striped corduroy trousers in the bottom right from Annasctx’s shop. I was desperate for some vintage trousers in this style but most resellers were, typically, charging extortionate prices for them, so it was a blessing to come across these for under £30. It sounds like a lot but they are a popular item on there at the moment so it’s a good price considering! Also from Depop is the red bodysuit from Alzaska’s store, the monogrammed headband from Jadexlaurenx’s store, and the PU flame print beret from House_of_erotique who do the most AMAZING custom pieces. I am waiting on a couple of things from them at the moment for an American Horror Story inspired lookbook I’m doing for halloween and I am buzzing to try them on! The bag I’m using here is my new go to-it’s a second hand Calvin Klein I found for THIRTY FUCKING POUND in a local charity shop! The woman at the tills told me that lots of people had gone to buy it and then put it back because it was too expensive which is insane! I know you go into a charity shop for cheap things but this bag was such a steal I have no idea how nobody just bit the bullet and bought it. Anyways, I’m not complaining because now it’s mine and I'm in love and I’m gonna try not to spill a monster energy drink on this one<3

-26/08/20-

-18/08/20-

(suit from emmafisher3 on Depop)

-10/09/20-

-15/08/20-

So, that’s it for now! If you got to this point, thank you for reading! I’m sorry it’s not longer but I’m finding it really hard to motivate myself to write at the moment with everything going on-I’m only finishing this now because it’s 3:30AM and my friend’s cat that I’m looking after is keeping me awake and I’m too much of a softy to shut it out the bedroom. London has just gone into tier 2 lockdown which means I can’t visit my sister or my friends up there, and they’re not allowed to travel down here either. I get it needs to be this way and that we have to make sacrifices, but that’s not to say it isn’t tough on a lot of people’s mental wellbeing. I was really beginning to get my shit together this year, lol! Oh well! Sorry 2021, messy bitch me is getting a sequel. I know, I hate her too.

With regards to what’s coming up on my page, I’m working on the American Horror Story lookbook I mentioned this week and then a (probably non-existent this year) party season lookbook following that. I do intend to do more mood boards and a summary of the S/S 2021 shows soon. I don’t know if I’ve got it in me to do a whole ass review at the moment so I might spice it up and do a tier ranking or rating out of 10 or something fun like that, but there will definitely be something within the next couple of months! I also thought it’d be cool to do a post on the style of some incredible black influencers who are sorely underappreciated on Instagram for Black History Month, but even if I don’t get it out in October, expect that at some point.

Thank you to anyone who read this and thank you in general for bearing with me! I really hope things look up from here but regardless, if we all work together and be considerate of others, we can get through this. I hope everyone is doing okay and as always, if you are struggling, my inbox is always open. Post suggestions are welcome too, as well as feedback as long as it’s not *too* mean. A bitch is sensitive atm.

Stay safe!

Lauren x

16 notes · View notes

songketalliance · 3 years

Text

Home is Not Here

“Months passed and moments are miss from being far away, home is not where my heart is or was; home is not where I currently am or am not. Home is not here. “

by ShaSha Cuadra

The well-known and overused phrase, “Home is where the heart is” has always been a point of fact to me. Vaguely simple but generally understood on a personal level, it’s not something you question at all. Which is why I’ve always deemed the country I originated from as nothing more than an extension of my roots and ancestral history, but never as my home. I knew where home is; I lived in Brunei all my life, so how can Philippines compare when yearly visits that don’t last more than a month or two ever be more than a checkpoint for me?

Universe says otherwise though, as it always proved to do so consistently through my life. 2020 happened, and I find myself unexpectedly stranded away from home. Stranded, yes, because despite having a roof over my head and food on the table to get by, emotionally I was distraught that I was force to stay where I was as the whole world went on a global lockdown. I shouldn’t have a reason to be upset as other might say when in comparison to others who have suffered more greatly, with losses more severe than simply being stranded.

A kind note from me to you: Don’t do this. Don’t invalidate your emotions just because it didn’t meet the criteria of how much you had to endure for it be deemed acceptable. Feelings are valid. But acknowledge that feelings aren’t facts either.

It was a straightforward, downward spiral of going through the 5 stages of grief that followed the next few months. Denial transitioning to Anger was easy; the reactive emotions gave something to burn through to live spitefully, cursing circumstances and the world’s idiocy. Bargaining became a point of desperation of wanting a form of normalcy to come back, of wanting to be back on familiar landmarks and faces. Depression felt like a long solitary winter; texts and calls of friends missing me and waiting for my return were pieces of warmth I held on to for days. But waking up every day in an unfamiliar room living in an unfamiliar house served as a stark reminder that I still wasn’t home.

In between the earlier stages, a lot of things happened at the same time. My grandmother passed on, my friends got married, my beloved cat died, my mental health deteriorated, a close friend stopped talking among other things, like the world breaking under the weight of the global pandemic. Like most people, I found 2020 surreal and a very trying year to get through. Not exactly the year we expected to open the new decade with but that’s what we ended up with.

I’m unsure when Acceptance arrived. Whether it settled in between the peaceful sleep I had one night or in the early mornings of when I took my first sip of the day, or in the strange calm composure I held on a video call with my friends. But it did came. But it didn’t mean I wasn’t still homesick. It didn’t meant I gave up on home and ever going back. It meant that I was finally acknowledging that this is the new normal.

Because acceptance ≠ resignation.

And in that frame of mind, I started to try to get to know Philippines a bit more during my long unplanned stay. Or at least, a very small part of it of where I live. True to Asian form, they love their communal gatherings. Be it a birthday party, a christening party, a Christmas party, a wake, a wedding reception, it’s overwhelming to say the least. Good thing to note is that I still dislike attending large gatherings, family or otherwise.

And like how Bruneians love their karaoke and Dangdut classics, Filipinos love their karaoke and rock ballads a little more. I have lost count how many impromptu karaoke sessions have been conducted weekly and while celebrations are nothing without them, it’s plain ridiculous how someone could fire up a karaoke box with 2 very large booming speakers just to sing the same Steelheart song over and over again just because they feel like it. I’m all for releasing stress and unwinding but karaoke that lasts all day long, starts at 6 am at times (yes, I am for real) and is loud enough to feel the house vibrating from the bass is beyond acceptable. I’d rather listen to Dangdut classics instead.

Where Brunei feels like a collective town who knows everyone or anyone and is related one way or the other to each other, the village where my mother’s family resides in emanates the same community familiarity. It’s oddly soothing in a way, even as I ironically struggle to understand the dialect but the sentiment is undeniably there. There is a sense of detachment between most of my cousins and I, and while I don’t deny that my lack of trying has a big part in it, I appreciate the ones who do try despite our language barrier. It’s in the little things really, and I’m still trying to navigate my way around it carefully but it’s something. I think I owe myself that little bit of effort to be aware of where I came from and where I could have grown up in.

I know home will still be there in Brunei. My friends will still be there, probably married or with kids or with a soaring career and business life. Home will still be bumbling along in its own way as I move forward with my own life. Even as things change, months passed and moments are miss from being far away, home is not where my heart is or was; home is not where I currently am or am not. Home is not here.

Home is here, in where I carry it with me.

by ShaSha Cuadra

DONATE TO SONGKET ALLIANCE

Interested in contributing to Songket Alliance? E-mail us at [email protected] with your ideas or article.

Like Songket Alliance on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.

#ShaSha Cuadra #brunei #writing

4 notes · View notes

delightfully-ella · 3 years

Text

My head is in a really weird space right now.

I think really it's been going a little downhill for the past week. I think for the most part I'm good at distancing myself to keep away from an unhelpful pit of despair. I've got a lot to be happy for.

I know I've been a little snappy, kinda snarkie with Badger over the last couple days.

This morning I just felt like I didn't care to try and keep my bad thoughts and gloomy mood at bay. I'm allowing myself to over think it all and worry my day away.

I'm even teary eyed as I write this, hoping that wiring it down will somehow put order in place.

I guess the number 1 issue is work, I don't work right now, and that makes me feel like a layabout, even when I'm not laying about. It doesn't matter how much I do around the house, it never feels enough. Cleaning, cooking, decorating. It doesn't earn money and money means worth perhaps.

I've been looking, I've had a couple of interviews, but since lockdown 3 I've noticed a lot of the kind of jobs I'm looking for are either delaying their interviews or talking about remote working. I just feel like starting out a new job totally remotely will be so hard. I'm kinda a people person when it comes to work and starting that way feels like it will be quite a negative start.

We aren't struggling, Badger earns well and now we are in this house I'm getting a little rent from the old house.

But I want the contribute something more substantial. Yesterday we went through finances, splitting stuff fairly because Badger was paying it all before I started getting rent. But still it doesn't feel like I'm contributing enough.

I told him this and he pointed out that when we discussed me quitting work, he had said he would financially support me, even giving me money so I didn't have to go without, even if that meant silly things like clothes and makeup. He pointed out that in the 4 months I haven't worked he hasn't given me any money, and at that point I didn't have an income at all.

It was the stubborn side of me. He shouldn't have to give me any money, despite him expecting he would. I managed to save enough that I worked out I could live off for about 6-8 months.

Finding a job right now is just so scary, but I'm hoping it will work out.

The other big thing is the pending hospital appointment, which also throws in the worry on weight loss.

I'm still mad about it, and it makes it hard to be motivated. I've lost about half a stone but I've still a way to go.

I feel like I might go to that consultation to be turned away.

I'm thinking about food in such an unhealthy way because I feel so much pressure to not fuck this up because they tell me I'm too fat.

I've but really talked to anyone about this hospital stuff and I don't really have anyone but Badger to talk about it with. And of course it's good to talk to him, but sometimes you want someone who's a little more removed. Or a girlfriend to hash it out with.

There is a couple reasons why I haven't told people. I feel like it adds pressure, it also makes it more real and I just don't want sympathy.

I don't know...

Overall lockdown 3 has maybe hit me the hardest. I suddenly feel more isolated...

I miss everyone and everything so much more.

The first time around I kept so busy, initially on furlough we were doing up the previous house and looking for the new house, then I was busy back at work and despite the horror of a pandemic there were still things to look forward to, and I think in my mind there was an end date to this and soon I'd be back to meeting friends for dinner and drinks...

Now... All the big exciting things happened. And I'm still keeping busy with decorating, that really is one saving grace.

I miss my friends, texting, phone calls, zoom, it's all good, but it's just not feeling enough. I miss being close.

My brother has gone mad, he's basically all about that anti vax life now and he is so aggressive with his opinions that I just can't really talk to him at all anymore. And most of what he is saying is nonsensical.

I've a friend who seems to be distancing herself from me. And I don't want to sound arrogant, but I think it's jealousy. She doesn't seem to care or be happy for me at all. When we talk it's only about her anymore... I've stopped trying to tell her about my stuff.

My Dad... ughh, he doesn't seem to care about covid. He sees the above brother most, so I think that feeds into his already blase way of dealing with covid. He keeps trying to come to the house to do DIY and acts stupid when I explain why he can't. It got to the point I basically had to tell him he was making me uncomfortable with how pushy he is being and how he isn't taking any of this seriously. Technically Badger and I could have seen them for Christmas, but I told Badger how I didn't trust they would actually be sticking to any of the restrictions, so I just didn't want to take that chance.

Essentially I can't really see where it's all going, I'm left feeling lost, a little lonely and like restrictions are endless.

#long story #sorry #thought process #personal

5 notes · View notes

harrywritingsbyme · 4 years

Note

(Part one) this might be triggering and I mean no harm by it 🥺 Over the last 6 months (so baso lockdown in my country) I’ve put on so much weight, I’m so unhappy and completely lost all my confidence. I’ve tried a diet and working out and saw no progress and I don’t know what to do, I know I shouldn’t be bothered by it as ALL sizes are BEAUTIFUL but cuz I have big tiddies as well I feel it makes me look bigger and I was already self conscious of them to start with so now it’s much worse.

(Part two) I also think this is definitely affecting my mental health as well and I’ve had some not great thoughts lately and I don’t want to fall into but I’m so unhappy with how I look, clothes don’t fit completely anymore and I’ve gone from a size 12/14 to a 16. I just don’t feel pretty anymore.

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this bby🥺😔!!!! I know the feeling and it absolutely sucks. I bet you’re absolutely stunning no matter what your size is. And I definitely understand how you feel in terms of being self conscious. I think the best way to look at it is with the mindset that you can get back to where you were and while you work towards that you’ll feel better and you’ll regain that confidence. And just because all sizes are beautiful doesn’t mean thay your feelings aren’t valid. You liked it when you looked a certain way and that’s perfectly fine.

If you want to fix it so to speak, i suggest coming up with a workout routine that best fits you and things like that. I also suggest figuring out what’s making you gain the weight. I just tried on one of my pairs of jeans and I don’t fit into them so I do completely understand what you’re going through. We can encourage each other bc im trying to get back to where I was before quarantine, if not better. You can do this bby🥺🥰❤️✨

#asks #anonymous #self care💕

10 notes · View notes

pocketmosaic · 3 years

Text

Who am I and why this blog?

What a good question, I am so glad you asked. I am a 45 year old, mother of three, who has fibromyalgia, cfs/me and arthritis. I guess I should also say that I am single as that is usually one of the first questions people ask when you meet them.

My children are aged 26 (yes, I know I was young when I had him), 20 and 18. My eldest lives in the Midlands (UK) which is where his Dad and his family are, I don’t see him very often but I have been fortunate (in some ways) to have been able to spend 2 months with him this year. I say fortunate in some ways because the reason he stayed with me for so long was because he was having a bit of a crisis and needed to get away. Thankfully while he was here he helped me almost, if not more than I helped him.

The younger two live with me in East Anglia (UK), their father (who is a different man to my eldest’s dad) lives 10 minutes away. My 20 year old is my main carer, he also helps with the 18 year old who has autism and social anxiety. My 20 year old has been my rock through the years and I don’t believe that I would be sat here today if it hadn’t been for him and his support (and yes I do make sure that he knows that he is a very amazing person, even if he doesn’t always believe it). Sadly he lost his job in the hospitality industry during the COVID-19 epidemic, as did so many others. He didn’t work full-time but I do think that it was important for him to have that outlet, where he could make friends and do things that were not related to helping me and his sister. We are trying to do thinhgs to help him rejoin the working world when the shielding is over.

As I mentioned my daughter has autism and severe social anxiety. Around Oct 2017 she had total meltdown and refused to go to school, leave the house or even go near a door that was open to the outside. She was in mainstream school before that, she is very clever and quite talented when it comes to anime drawings. Sadly we did have quite a few problems with bullying, which the school did try and help with, even getting the police involved when the situation called for it. Unfortunately, despite my asking for help several times, everything going on in the outside world just became too much for her and she put on the brakes. We have had a little bit of help and after a lot of hard work on our part we managed to get her to leave the house. She would go down to the local shop and the chip shop next door (about a 5 minute round trip), and we managed to get a volunteer to come and take her to a cat sanctuary once a week. Two weeks after she had started doing this the cattery shut its doors to all non-necessary staff and then we went into lockdown mark 1. Since then she has taken several steps backwards (although she does still do the shop trip if she has to). I have been trying to encourage her to come out of her room and she refused to speak to me for 8 weeks, she wouldn’t even look at me. We are now talking but she doesn’t come and search me out as she did before. I am sure we will be okay and once the pandemic has some solution then we will work again at getting her out there.

I started by telling you about the children because it does tie in with what I am about to say in a few. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and CFS/ME about 15 years ago, gosh that was a long road to get the diagnosis. It took about 4 more years to get my arthritis diagnosis because whenever I mentioned the pains they automatically put it down to the fibro/ME no matter how hard I tried to convince them that this pain was different. Thankfully someone eventually listened and that meant that I could learn to do things that could help. I do have other problems which impact my life slightly less than these, but we could be here a while if I went to deep into that and I am sure you don’t want that lol.

Long story short, I put on a lot of weight (about 6 stone or 84 pounds or 38.1kg), I was struggling to stay awake long enough to cook a meal and so I would just grab easy convenient snacks which we all know are not great substitutes but if I hadn’t done that then I probably wouldn’t have eaten anything. I also wasn’t moving around anywhere near as much as I used to do, I had always been doing something before and although my diet wasn’t great I was burning up a lot of those calories so while I have never been skinny I wasn’t a big girl,

Up to the present(ish), I have battled with depression and anxiety for a long time, some of it because of how I looked a lot of it because of what I couldn’t do. I forgot to focus on what I could do, what I did have. A few weeks ago I went for a short walk by the quay (all my walks are short because it hurts so much and after a short time I struggle to pick up my feet). I was watching the water, which I find very peaceful, and I saw a branch floating by on the current. I was taken by an major urge to jump in and float off with it, which I am sure you will be glad to hear I managed to resist. I thought about just getting into my car and driving until everything and everyone I knew were far behind me. I felt like they would be better without me in their lives.

Somehow I managed to get back home and I tried to figure out how I had got to this point in my life. I know I was missing my eldest, I was pleased I had managed to help him out but it had left a big hole when he went back home. While he was with me we managed to sort out my house and threw away most of the clutter, which was great I felt like things were starting to move the right way. So why had I spent weeks crying night and day? I was awful to be around, even the woman who comes in to help me with the things I struggle to do wasn’t able to help with how I was feeling.

I knew I was lonely, although I have two children living at home they spend the majority of the time in their rooms, my daughter was ignoring me (even looking at the wall when she came to a room I was in so she didn’t have to look at me). Every time I watched the television I would hear stories on how the lockdown had brought families together and how they were doing more as a family. I couldn’t relate to that at all. There was also so much talk about how people were keeping in touch over zoom or the like, I hadn’t even had one talk like that. I don’t have a lot of friends, I am not good at keeping in touch and after you have had to cancel last minute so many times people stop asking you to do things.

I hated the way I looked but I had no clue on how to change it, every time I have tried to do any exercise I have suffered for days afterwards, even having a conversation with someone would leave me drained. I had managed to lose 3 stone before the first lockdown but, after struggling to get deliveries and when I did it seemed that the things they couldn’t provide were all the healthy options I tried to get, I put back on 2 stone. My face was starting to show the ravages of time, the worst being the hooded eyes I now have. I have always liked my eyes so it is sad they are not as noticeable as they used to be.

I think I might be coming up to the menopause, my period was over two weeks late at that point (it took another week before it said hello). Any of you women out there will know that when your period is late it causes your hormones to go out of whack. Looking back I know that had something to do with how I was feeling.

I remembered something my Dad had told me, “If you can do something about it then do so, if you can’t then all the worrying in the world won’t do anything”. I decided that I had to try and do something to fix the problem areas I saw in my life. I couldn’t do much about my hormones, expecially as it is the first time in over a year that it has taken so long which means the doctor wouldn’t do anything. That meant I just had to let that one sort itself out.

I knew that if I listened to some Toby Keith or Kellie Pickler I always felt better (well Kellie does have two songs which make me cry because they cut so close to home but in a strange way even that makes me feel less alone), so I decided I was going to start listening to them, amongst others, more and if I could I would dance to them, that would at least get me started with moving. It helped because I did lose 6 pounds in the two weeks leading up to this second lockdown.

Facing another month of lockdown I wanted to do something that would help me and also stop me from worrying about the fact that I couldn’t go for a cuppa with my carer and her partner on a tuesday morning. So I decided to set myself a challenge. I want to leave lock down looking better than I did when I entered it. This meant looking for exercises that I could realisticaly do, I can’t see squats ever being a big part of any exercise routine I ever do. I found some arm exercises that could be done sitting down, then I learnt about the wall push or standing push-up, I tried it and found that I could manage that so I added that one in. I also looked at loads of videos for slimming down the stomach, the one exercise they all included was the plank. Now I didn’t think I would be able to manage that, especially getting down and back up again, but I am pretty stubborn so I figured that I would try it. The first time I thought I was going to die by the fifth second but I managed it and I am now going to try and do it as often as I can, after all no-one is about to see the crazy ways I have to use to pick myself up afterwards.

I also decided that I needed to lay down some house rules. I drew up contracts for the two children who live with me (by drew up I mean I found some templates online and adapted them to suit). Part of the contract stipulates that they need to spend some time with me while they are both home full-time. That has stopped me from feeling so isolated even though they are here. I have been making plans on what I want to do when the world returns to some sort of normality. My life has basically been on hold for the past 15 years, I don’t even know how that happened, but it did and I am determined that I am going to put myself out there when I can (I might change my mind later, but at least for now it is giving me something positive to look forward to).

I had always said that when my youngest reached 18 (which happened during the first lockdown) I was going to start travelling. This is definitely something I plan to keep to when travel plans can be a little more stable. I used to be an active member of the theatre when I was in the Midlands but I didn’t even know we had one here until last lock down. I want to look into joining them and doing some theatre stuff, that was the job I always wanted a far cry from what I ended up doing which was mechanical engineering. I have a couple more things in the “to-do” bank but they are just the ones I am going to mention for now.

I don’t want to get back to that place where I want to disappear, to keep me on track I started this blog. I want a record of where I started and how I am progressing, and it kinda gives me some sort of accountability. It also makes me write something every day which is going to help me with another dream. That, however, is a story for another time.

Take care and believe in yourself, you CAN do it, whatever IT may be.

#who am i #fibromyalgia #chronic fatigue #cfs/me #arthritis #mum #autism #single #exercise #diet #beauty #depression #better life #covid-19 #toby keith #kellie pickler

6 notes · View notes

eallisnwndrlnd · 3 years

Text

A Year Like No Other

Well this year certainly made quite an impact in history where no matter where one lived in the world, there was no way they were not affected by one if not many surprises 2020 decided throw our way.

I, like many, saw 2020 as a fresh start. A reset button for a new decade.

But alas, 2020 had other plans.

To annihilate all ours.

My plan, after a year of finalizing documents after graduation and marking off moving checklists, was to have us moved back to my hometown of Los Angeles, California.

We delayed the flight to May rather than February due to the sudden eruption of the Taal volcano. We were holed up in our house due to air quality and forced to wear masks to protect ourselves as travel was limited and flights were canceled for weeks.

All the while, knowledge of an unknown virus was already impacting China. We knew it was only a matter of time before it would reach us and the rest of the world. Little did we know how much wreckage Covid19 would leave in its wake as it traveled to every country and wreaked havoc across the world. It disturbed our normal lives. The way we lived daily was forever changed. Some more than others as people lost jobs, homes, family and friends to this pandemic.

As Covid19 barely rose to the forefront of a world crisis, my mother and I were packing for our move back stateside by May. I was aware of the seriousness of the virus in January as Taiwan and other Asian countries prepared for a possible repeat of the the last SARs outbreak. As the travel limits that stemmed from Taal died away and the alert level was lowered, we retained our mask wearing as we moved about metro Manila and back to Batangas.

Eventually Philippines began to see its first cases of Covid19 in February. The number of cases slowly increased but not quite as widespread as how it tore through my home country, the U.S. I watched the news, frustrated, horrified and embarrassed at how poorly my country decided to handle the virus.

By March 15, the Philippines was in full lockdown under level ECQ which stood for Enhanced Community Quarantine. Many strict guidelines went into place to mitigate the growing cases and death toll. Travel bans and limits were given for domestic and foreign travel. Travel within provinces and cities were limited to essential workers only. Transportation was completely shuttered from tricycles, jeepneys, buses, ferries, trains, etc, making commute for essential workers a daily nightmare. Nonessential businesses, schools and churches were forced to shut down for the time being. The only businesses allowed to continue were government offices at limited capacity, grocery stores and pharmacies, as well as wet markets but also limited capacity. Only those between the ages of 21 to 61 were allowed to leave their house. (This led to having a very cranky mother for over two months straight)

To enter any place of business people were expected to wear a face mask at all times. A guideline that difficult for some in the beginning only due to a shortage of face masks that stemmed from the Taal eruption and when the Philippines initially sent their supply to China in the beginning of the pandemic. About a few weeks later the masks were expected to be worn as soon as one left their house with a hefty fine of P5,000 ($100) if caught without one or a punishment of 6 months in prison. At entrances every person was checked for their temperature. As cases climbed and hospitals were heavily burdened, the guidelines became stricter by enforcing a quarantine pass that was given to each household where only one member of the household that met the age restrictions, was allowed to go out for only essentials. (This role of course went to me) For about two months we were assigned only one day out of the week we were allowed to go out for shopping for what we needed. (I was assigned Tuesdays.) If anyone was caught without their quarantine pass or going out on a different day they were assigned they risked the same punishment as not wearing a mask. (This meant heavy lifting of groceries and multiple trips in one day whilst walking for 5-13 miles on a given day.) After a while our province along with other provinces met the requirements to downgrade our ECQ to Modified ECQ, then to GCQ (which level we currently are still in since June or July) The quarantine pass was changed to being needed only during the week to not needed at all. (Although I still carry it just in case due to guidelines changing every two weeks or so.) Under GCQ, all businesses were allowed to open but with strict enforcement of guidelines and social distancing with restaurants at 50% capacity. Most businesses and all transportation require wearing full face shields aside from face masks. (This becomes a frustrating addition when my shield starts to fog and I can't freaking see) Schools have remained shuttered and gone remote. Movie theaters have yet to open at least that I'm aware of. Places of worship have opened at very limited capacity but have been shuttered again from time to time. Liquor bans were given during multiple periods of the pandemic.

Eventually our flight was canceled in May. Even if it hadn't been we would have canceled it ourselves since travel between cities and provinces were limited to essential personnel only for around two months and more in other areas. As well as the fact that by that time, U.S. was the most negatively affected with growing cases and deaths with many people becoming difficult tempermental raging toddlers in defying guidelines and refusing to wear a mask. We just did not feel it was safe to go back home any time soon. So here we are still where we were last year with only a non definite plan to move back stateside set in April. I hesitate to say that with any confidence whatsoever.

This year was a year of losses for many. So many of my friends and family have lost someone they knew and were dear to them. My dad's brother, uncle Rick, passed away mid year. I lost my nearly four year old cat, my fur baby, Gandalf "the Grey Whitewalker" only a month ago.

Every time I walk to the backyard to our outhouse, I am constantly reminded of him following me and keeping me company. Every time I look at my window near my bed, I remember him meowing at me to feed him. And every time I look out the front window, I see his little grave marker in our yard. He was my first real pet out of multiple fishes, a hamster, a duck, chickens, a mouse, and a turtle that I had the longest and the only pet I had in my adult years. I didn't realize how hard his loss was going to hit me until it did. The idea of him moving on to furry heaven left me very little to no comfort as I am not a person of faith. I just had to tell myself that it was his time to go and that I was blessed with the time that allowed him to be with me as my furry friend, companion, and confidant who followed my every move and meowed mama (as I taught him) when he wanted something. I will miss Gandalf very much.

With the pandemic holding its place as the suckiest thing to happen this year (...this century), other memorable events happened that held significant importance here and around the world.

Aside from the Taal eruption in January, Philippines was met with natural disasters one after another from multiple earthquakes to an onslaught of disastrous typhoons. Just recently on the morning of Christmas day, my province was hit with a 6.3 magnitude earthquake. Thankfully it didn't cause any damages in our immediate area.

Other disasters hitting other countries and multiple wildfires that took a major toll on my homestate. One fire in particular that threatened the home of my dad, step mom and where my sister was living, drew my attention for weeks. Thankfully them, the house and their area remained safe.

As political issues arose here which created tension and conflict, so did it in the U.S. and other countries.

Since I follow multiple global news media outlets, I was kept abreast of the increasing issues in not only my home country but many others. Some mirroring what was occurring in the states like police brutality, riots, authoritarian tendencies among its leaders.

I awaited with bated breath for the U.S. elections results along with much of the world.

At least for that moment, I, like many others, allowed a heavy sigh of relief when the final result was announced.

One silver lining I could find in an otherwise shity year.

Take all that aside, what else did I manage to accomplish with limited movement, limited funds, and limited access...

My freelance work dried up to nada so I put back my energy to the things I could do.

I studied a bit more of Korean.

Started vlogging again.

Submitted more of my photography into contests which garnered a few live digital exhibitions in a few galleries in different countries.

Began drawing and painting after so many years.

Delved into more current events and became more connected and acquainted with other foreign news outlets that far exceeded the quality of many of my country's national news outlets. (This came from my growing disappointment at how my country's news outlets covered the Taal eruption and the pandemic early on)

Got rid of more of my things and organized what will stay here and what I'm taking with me to the states.

Cooked and baked more and added newly learned menus into my forte.

Found joy and comfort in walking for miles in extremely hot weather.

Kdrama and Cdrama binged watched like never before.

There are of course many more things I didn't accomplish that I would have liked to but either couldn't do or couldn't bring myself to bother to do.

Travel. Cuz pandemic guidelines and pera.

Move. Cuz pandemic, and my home city is doing a piss poor job in dealing with it so we're stuck here where I'm not legally allowed to obtain work until my country and the rest of the world minus a few exceptions (I.e. Taiwan, New Zealand, etc) get their shit together.

Get new job. See above.

Lose weight. Cuz I ate through our pandemic food supply like a starved hippo, baked my fat ass to oblivion, and decided to wait until the possible apocalypse happens before I bother to put any effort into excercise. Cuz if the world's gonna end and the choice is between cookies and ab crunches...I'm gonna choose cookies. And ice cream. And cake. And garlic buttered chicken. Might as well go with a BIG FAT BANG and a smile on my face.

Now 2020 is finally coming to an end.

The world with it. A few hours will tell.

But if 2021 manages to happen in two hours and we're all still alive I'm going into the new year with cautious anticipation.

Do I think that everything will suddenly come up roses once the clock strikes 12?

I'm not delusional.

We're still deeply into a dangerous and deadly pandemic now with a mutated version slowly making its rounds across the globe. Millions are still in hospitals with covid. Millions are jobless. Millions are homeless. Millions have lost that and more.

Sure we have a vaccine but with knowing that less than half the world will have access or being willing participants...it most likely will have little effect on the outcome.

Our politicians and governments are inept, corrupt, greedy, insane, just plain stupid to see any real change any time soon. Significant change takes time and a cohesive willingness to make those changes.

Still awaiting for the inauguration of my country's new president or the fall of its democracy once and for all this coming January. Frankly could go either way the way it's been going over there.

As for me and my plans for 2021.

Try to make the plans I made in 2020 happen.

Again I say this with hesitant confidence that I can make it happen. Frankly life has a way of turning those plans into merely contrived goals on a useless resolution.

I meet this new year with hope but prepared for whatever may come be it good or bad.

There's no use to be anxious about not being able to accomplish a list of goals I may have if life has other plans.

I can just call it detours.

Eventually I know whatever goals I want to accomplish, one way or another depending on my willingness to make it happen even if it doesn't meet a set timeline, I'll get it done.

If it takes me as long as it took me to finally graduate college or longer to check off those goals then so be it as long as I manage to find some little moments of happiness and snippets of accomplishments along the way.

Here's to 2021 being an improvement over the last.

May everyone (minus a few people I think of with detestation) have a Happy, healthy, safe, prosperous New Year.

May the world be allowed to heal.

May this pandemic go away.

May the year 2020 go frak itself.

#new year #new years resolution #life goals #life #goals #2020 #fuck 2020 #2021goals

3 notes · View notes

anotherlazysneaker · 3 years

Text

I was in pain again, but who is not?

I just finished coffee with my neighbour, Jane and it's 6:30 in the morning now. We just finished an 8-hour hike yesterday after more than 8 months of not going outside Manila (due to COVID19). My legs and arms still hurt as I write this. But the good news is...that hike, that mountain, that pure & cool air, that starry night, that "climb" with my friends literally cleared my head and awaken my writing muse (i lost my old LazySneakers account bc i wasn't even using it this year).

I want to share the pain & the prize of my weekend hike here. It was my first time to do a so-called major hike. Mt Arayat South Peak trail was a mix of rocky terrain, a forest with some thorny bamboo along the way, and some "open sky" grassy way at the entrance. I was a mess going to the trip. I ended work at 10am, slept not so deep for 3 hours, woke up and went to prep our packed food, slept a bit during the travel to the jump-off point and that's it...the hike began. Aside from a sedentary work at home set-up, I was only able to do 3-4 sets of 2-hour walk around my neighbourhood before the climb. We just knew the duration of the hike before we actually started, which is better because we might drop out before if we knew beforehand.

So with "feeble" feet and knees i guess, 6 of us (we live in the same building but different rooms) set out to an exciting journey. The steep rocky road started. Carrying an overpacked backpack (too much snacks), we went off to our first encounter with her, MT. ARAYAT SOUTH PEAK. The first lesson she thought me was, to travel lightly. I realized after the trip, when we got back down the jump-off point, that I don't really need to eat a lot while hiking nor halfway at the peak. I knew it after, and now I know better. Thus reminding me of Hebrews 12:1 "...let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." NLT

Here goes the second lesson, drop the phone (not literal hah). Personally, I chose to leave my phone since I was traveling with friends, I’ll be able to share photos with them anyway. During the hike, I intentionally started on a slow pace, knowing that I might pass out because of the lack of sleep and pre-hike exercise. For a beginner group like us, first timers in Mt. Arayat. We needed to focus on every step. Each step my affect the rest of the hike. If we go too fast, we might get injured or pass out for the lack of air. If we go hastily, we might trip or “roll back down” which might hurt other joiners. I realized beforehand that the hike will need 110% of my focus. During this hike, at some point, halfway of the trail, I tried pacing with our guide, MacMac a high school student and a local. I lasted for 30 minutes on the rocky trail then felt fire on my legs. I asked him to rest and wait for my friends. I was focused the entire 30 minutes but my body was not conditioned to be at the same pace as him, I needed to stop.

The next thing this hike taught me was, I needed to be present, it was all or nothing. Since it was my first time hiking this trail, I was not familiar with any of the road. Each of us needed to listen and trust our guide and organizers. I learned to leave whatever pride I think I have down the jump-off point and be humble towards the guide and organizers. I really appreciate how they emphasized on taking our time and pace ourselves. I remember MacMac telling me that he reserves his energy while walking (in silence) and going hyper when we reach the top. I think I did a pretty good job on the silence thing with a record of 5 minutes, 10 minutes and 20+ minutes during the ascend (which a new friend Clyde, timed on his phone). I might not be able to strike that much conversations if I had my phone. I was glad I left it. During the hike, I felt like there were times that I was not able to hear well, maybe because of the altitude, I needed to ask the person am speaking with to repeat what they said.

Lastly, on a deeper note, the mountain conquered me again. That’s what I love about the few times I had a “hard” hike. It reminded me how small I am, how I am a part of a grand design, a harmony of creation working together with or without my permission...either I choose to take part or passively not pay attention that I am a part of a big design. The past 8 months of COVID19 lockdown and quarantine was painful. I was not able to go back home because of schedule and lack of public transport. I kept asking myself why am I even back here in the Philippines, when I was on a roll outside. I stopped writing because I felt so blank even though I knew I was in pain, I did not know how to put words on it. There were days I keep on being grateful, there were days that I felt like a zombie or a robot going through my day (night, I work night shift). This hike reminded me about the painful journey I needed to choose so I can see the beautiful peak. And if the view at the top will be covered by clouds, I had a beautiful journey with the people I hiked with, I was not alone.

This trip reminded me of a blog I wrote back in April 2018 about my bjj journey. I spoke of how I was in pain during the process while reflecting about 6 months living in a foreign country alone. I wanted to used the same title as I felt it was parallel with a new experience and a new struggle. It’s making me smile now as a realized it. This post is also an appreciation to the organizers Buhay Bundok. It might be just another hike they organized but it changed (and healed) me. Not only I appreciated the beauty of a mountain in my own region and country but it was a gift to meet like-minded people and share good memories with my friends.

#hiking #philippines #arayat #sinopinas #friends #travel #backpacker #trekking #beautiful places #viaje #asia #lugares lindos #amigos #salidas #travel diary #favorite place #good times #trending

4 notes · View notes

surveystodestressme · 3 years

Text

248.

COVID-19 survey.

1 - Have you had the virus? If so, have you struggled with so-called long COVID? yes. I mean, I still have really bad symptoms sometimes. i had it around thanksgiving and it's february now so

2 - What impact has the pandemic had on you? Have you had to switch to online school or working from home? it's been a pretty big impact, work has changed significantly and it changed my schooling as well

3 - Did your state or country go into quarantine or lockdown? How long for? nah

4 - Are you scared of catching the virus, or is it just “one of those things” for you? i was not scared to get it, it was just a matter of when

5 - Do you think that locking down/closing the economy was the right thing to do, with hindsight? yeah

6 - Have you taken up any new hobbies or interests because you’ve been at home a lot more than normal? yes. i learned how to knit

7 - If your state when into lockdown, what did you spend most of your time doing while you were home? -

8 - Are you or anyone you live with vulnerable to getting the virus? What are you doing to keep yourself safe? just me

9 - If a vaccine came out tomorrow, would you get it? it has come out and i have already gotten it

10 - Have you lost or gained weight since the beginning of this whole thing? probably gained

11 - How has your mental health been impacted? Are you doing okay? when i was stuck at home all the time i was pretty depressed but now that i am at work a majority of the time i am better

12 - Has the pandemic brought to light any problems in your home or close relationships now you’re forced to spend loads of time together? Or has it made you stronger as a family/couple? not really tbh. i mean i feel like we argue more because we are always around each other but never about anything serious

13 - What are your thoughts on lockdown pets? Do you think it’s good that animals are being adopted or do you think it’ll cause loads more problems down the line when people go back to work again? i mean i am happy if more animals are getting adopted, hopefully it won't cause issues later though

14 - If you work, how has your job been impacted? we are doing completely curbside atm, clients are definitely a lot angier than they were when we were allowing them in the building but unfortunately that's just the way it is

15 - Did you ever get any of the previous Coronaviruses, like SARS, Bird Flu or Swine Flu? nah

16 - Has COVID make you re-assess your life or priorities in any way, or will you just go back to normal once this is “all over”? i mean yeah, it has definitely had me thinking

17 - Do you prefer disposable or re-usable masks? is it for environmental/cost reasons or do you find one type more comfortable than the other? i understand the pros and cons of each but i like reusable ones tbh, if they're made properly. but i'll occasionally use disposable ones too.

18 - Did people panic buy where you live? What were some specific things your really struggled to get hold of? back when i lived at my previous apartment, everyone in my town bought out everything at the local store, i didn't find disinfectant for months

19 - Do you follow the news on COVID at all? Or do you find too much of it has been problematic for your mental health? i only pay attention when i see the word "stimulus check"

20 - What good and bad things have come out of the pandemic for you? i mean getting the virus was by far the worst part but at least i got it and hopefully don't have to worry about it for a while. not a lot of good coming out of it tbh

#bored #quiz #questions #survey

1 note · View note

tabloidtoc · 3 years

Text

National Enquirer, December 14

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Prince William’s secret cancer crisis

Page 2: Chris Martin is caught between girlfriend Dakota Johnson and ex-wife Gwyneth Paltrow who are both hawking sex toys -- Gwyneth is accusing Dakota of copying her Goop brand and she’s letting Chris know it loud and clear -- Dakota signed on as co-creative director with the sexual wellness brand Maude to launch a line of hip sex products and Dakota’s gotten wind of Gwyn’s whining and thinks she’s being ridiculous -- Chris is proud of Dakota and he feels for Gwyneth but he really wants to be left out of this

Page 3: Martha Stewart has whipped up a new recipe for romance which is red-hot dates with a string of men ordered up online and she may be 79 years old but she’s still cooking with gas in the dating department -- Martha’s getting more dates now than she ever has and she’s saying it makes her feel younger and hotter than ever but all the guys know the deal that there’s no pressure and no commitment and it’s just for the fun and the good company because Martha’s not looking for a relationship

Page 4: Just weeks after Blake Shelton popped the question to longtime love Gwen Stefani they have something else to celebrate as Gwen is expecting a miracle baby at 51 -- after years of trying and failing to have a child together new photos show Gwen sporting what looks like a telltale baby bump -- after years of enduring grueling rounds of IVF treatment without any success Gwen had given up hope of being able to conceive again and she and Blake even looked into adopting but their baby dream has come true naturally

* Reba McEntire’s romance with actor Rex Linn is less than a year old but she’s already driving him crazy -- it was wonderful for the first few months but Reba is so controlling Rex is begging her to give him some space -- Reba wants to be together 24/7 and while Rex loves being with her he’s starting to find her a bit suffocating -- Reba also sees red whenever Rex mentions his former fiancee Renee DeRese and she’s worried Rex is talking to his ex when he’s not around and he has a good relationship with his ex and believes that’s none of Reba’s business

Page 5: Britney Spears lost her bid to have her father Jamie Spears removed from a controlling role in her conservatorship so she’s spending whatever money she can get her hands on to exact her revenge -- Britney is worth about $60 million and she gets a very healthy stipend from that so she’s going through it like water to thumb her nose at her dad and her recent no-holds-barred trip to Maui to celebrate her 39th birthday was more than a little payback because dropping $50,000 on a birthday trip to Hawaii was a satisfying slap in the face to her dad

Page 6: Matthew McConaughey is taking his midlife crisis to an all-time high by planning to do a stand-up comedy tour -- after baring his soul in a memoir the 51-year-old star is totally gung-ho about the comedy thing and he’s cleared his schedule and hired a coach to work on his timing and punch up his jokes -- he’s written a lot of jokes and tried them out on his wife Camila and friends but they’re already tired of his cheesy one-liners and dad jokes and fart gags -- Camila wants to be supportive but she can’t fake it and friends wonder if Matthew’s lost the plot and others claim he might get more inspiration is he took up smoking weed again

Page 7: Grieving Bobby Brown worries he’s cursed after the tragic death of his 28-year-old son Bobby Brown Jr. -- his son’s death follows the deaths of his ex-wife Whitney Houston in 2012 and the couple’s 22-year-old daughter Bobbi Kristina Brown in 2015 -- Bobby has suffered through so much pain in his life and it’s left him feeling like he’s cursed and he’s a loving father who always does the best he can and what’s right for his kids but there seems to be no escaping tragedy -- no foul play is expected in the death of Bobby Jr. but the coroner has yes to release the cause of death but Bobby Jr. seemed fit and healthy and had never been a drug user and was excited about a singing career after releasing his first single in September

* Donny Osmond is heading back to the Vegas strip to do a one-man show without his sister Marie Osmond and she’s fuming over the betrayal -- Marie is still smarting after getting dumped by The Talk and she thinks Donny could have been sensitive enough to at least invite her to join him -- Marie’s jealous co-stars on The Talk drove her off the daytime chat show because they couldn’t handle being overshadowed by her -- Donny will debut his new solo show at Harrah’s in August

Page 8: Doting Dolly Parton swooped in to save goddaughter Miley Cyrus from a meltdown after Miley trashed her sobriety during a boozy bender -- Miley has been on the wagon for six months after years of indulging in weed and alcohol but the boredom of lockdown pushed her over the edge -- Dolly has been a source of inspiration and strength to Miley during this difficult time and she’s never lectured Miley about her lifestyle only shown her unconditional love and understanding and that’s what Miley’s responded to

Page 9: Lady Gaga hopes to tango with Brad Pitt and they’re close to making a love connection -- the two have been in deep talks about working on a big-screen thriller and the conversations have turned up close and personal because the two have more in common than people realize -- Brad has always been a huge music nerd and Gaga wants to throw herself into movies in a big way after the success of A Star Is Born -- Gaga is ready to cash out of her latest relationship with businessman Michael Polansky because they quarantined together and things got a little too close for her tastes and she’s now set her sights on Brad who recently became unattached after giving the brush-off to German model Nicole Poturalski -- Gaga’s interest in Brad has not gone unreciprocated because Brad is fascinated by Gaga saying she’s cool and talented beyond words and he’s made it clear she’s his number one choice to star alongside him in next movie and as a result the new duo is set to spend months together in Japan filming the racy thriller Bullet Train and they both think that this will be a great opportunity to see if the chemistry they’ve shared in conversations is real

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Julia Garner filmed her role as a phony heiress in Inventing Anna in NYC, Gary Busey picked up a copy of the National Enquirer at a Malibu newsstand, Jay-Z tossed around a football with pals during a Hawaiian getaway, Heidi Klum shot Germany’s Next Top Model in Berlin

Page 11: In the latest tragedy to strike the Getty dynasty 52-year-old John Gilbert Getty was found dead in a Texas hotel room -- he was a descendant of J. Paul Getty the oil tycoon who was once the world’s richest man -- the Getty fortune is worth an estimated $5 billion but the family has been rocked by a string of tragedies

* Gutsy Black Panther star Chadwick Boseman kept his colon cancer diagnosis secret from his own brothers Derrick L. Boseman who is a pastor in Murfreesboro in Tennessee -- but when Derrick called Chadwick to congratulate him on his career the actor broke the tragic news -- Chadwick’s last words to him still echo in his heart: Chadwick said, “I’m in the fourth quarter and I need you to get me out of the game,” which Derrick understood to mean it was time for him to go -- Chadwick died on August 28

Page 12: Straight Shuter -- the scrawny look of the holiday tree at Rockefeller Center revealed something that happens every year -- the tree is always filled with faux branches because that’s the only way the tree can sustain 50,000 LED lights

* Marie Osmond hasn’t spoken to Sharon Osbourne since she left The Talk because Marie and Sharon were professional but never friends

* Scarlett Johansson is worth $165 million while her new husband Colin Jost tops out a $6 million but despite the difference Colin bought both wedding rings -- some men may be intimidated by a wife who’s rich and famous but not Colin and paying the bills is something the two have worked out together

* Woody Harrelson chats with police after a day filming The Man from Toronto in Ontario (picture)

Page 13: Conan O’Brien is putting on a happy face on his retirement from late-night TV but he was forced out -- after nearly three decades hosting a daily show Conan announced he’s leaving his TBS talker for a weekly variety series on HBO Max but he knew he had to go even before he was asked because he was made aware months ago that his show would not be renewed because the ratings weren’t great and the network was looking to replace him so he started looking for other opportunities

* Lizzo wailing about the pitfalls of fame in an emotional TikTok post has sent out the alarm among her friends who fear she is days away from a full-on meltdown -- she seems to be hanging by a thread and is trying to numb the pain with endless cycles of comfort eating and she already weighs 350 pounds -- Lizzo’s unhappy with her weight and hates the sight of herself when she looks in the mirror but she’s unable to stick to a diet and ends up binge eating through the night

Page 14: Crime

Page 15: Emboldened by his legal victories last year accused sexual abuser Kevin Spacey is denying all the allegations in a 2020 lawsuit in New York against him and demanding the case be brought to trial so he can clear his name -- Kevin is feeling pretty confident after two sexual harassment cases against him in Los Angeles and Massachusetts were dismissed last year and he wants his day in court to prove he is not the monster these charges paint him to be -- in the September suit two male accusers charged Spacey sexually assaulted them when they were 14 and the first accuser alleged Spacey assaulted him on multiple occasions after they met in an acting class in the ‘80s -- in the same suit actor Anthony Rapp charged Spacey invited him to a party at his home and grabbed his buttocks and lifted him onto a bed and lay on top of him

* Serial killer Ted Bundy relived the details of one of his horrific killings in his final conversation before he was fried in the electric chair in 1989 -- Bundy who was convicted of killing 30 women and suspected of doing the same to many more across four states in the 1970s and ‘80s spilled his guts to a psychologist just hours before his execution death and it can be heard in its frightening entirety on the Crimedoor app -- Bundy details the murder of Georgann Hawkins

Page 16: Accused Jeffrey Epstein madam Ghislaine Maxwell is under quarantine in a federal pen after being exposed to a guard with COVID-19 and now sources fear she could die before facing justice on child sex trafficking charges next year

Page 17: Prince William and Duchess Kate Middleton’s kids are devastated after their best friend Lupo the family dog passed away -- the beloved dog had become a fixture in family photos but sadly died at age nine leaving Prince Louis and Princess Charlotte and especially Prince George enormously upset -- for George especially this is a tremendous upset as Lupo was his best friend and he has been there his entire life and this is his first experience with loss and he’s been crying nonstop and asking where Lupo is now

Page 18: American Life

Page 19: Russia is using a brain-frying microwave weapon to target American envoys in the U.S. and around the world -- a team of doctors and scientists at CIA headquarters determined the mysterious illness that’s plagued embassy workers in recent years was the handiwork of a weapon that can send a mind-scrambling sonic beam through windows and walls from two miles away -- since 2018 the weapon has zapped 26 diplomats in Cuba who reported suffering from migraines and ringing in the ears and dizziness and vertigo -- Some has longer-term effects such as fatigue and loss of vision and difficulty sleeping symptoms dubbed the Havana Syndrome

* Elon Musk is already designing posh planetary digs for residents of his future city on Mars and he said the first million Earthlings to arrive will live in glass domes -- Musk’s outer-space enterprise is still a little sketchy on details of how to ship a million people to Mars by 2050 and change the atmosphere by terraforming or planting the right stuff to create oxygen

Page 21: American Pie singer Don McLean’s daughter has blasted him as a verbally abusive tyrant who left her with deep psychological scars -- Jackie McLean claimed her father insulted and degraded her and forbade her from following in his musical footsteps and even threatened to exclude her from his $50 million fortune if she spoke out against him -- despite her dad’s warning Jackie has embarked on a musical career with her husband Shawn Strack forming the group Roan Yellowthorpe

Page 22: Hey, Big Spender! Hollywood’s tippers and tightwads -- Jessica Simpson, Mick Jagger, Rachael Ray, Taylor Swift

Page 23: Russell Crowe, Donnie Wahlberg, Jeremy Piven, Johnny Depp, Bill Cosby

Page 25: Justin Bieber is questioning his future in the scandal-scarred Hillsong church after his former pal and pastor Carl Lentz was booted out in disgrace -- the singer has long relied on Hillsong which some have branded a cult and Lentz to help him navigate fame -- Justin’s at a crossroads right now because he definitely felt betrayed by Carl and now he and his wife Hailey Bieber are deciding whether to stay with the church

Page 26: Viola Davis has revealed how growing up poor in Rhode Island affected her self-worth saying what comes with poverty is invisibility and we just want to be somebody desperately -- Viola says her feeling of I’m Important helped drive her career which has led to an Oscar and two Tonys and an Emmy

* Hollywood Hookups -- Vanessa Hudgens is dating Cole Tucker of the Pittsburgh Pirates, Jordan Fisher and Ellie Woods married, Luann De Lesseps dating Garth Wakeford

Page 27: Nicole Kidman has revealed there is only one cure for her desperate struggles with loneliness which is in the arms of husband Keith Urban -- Nicole said she practices psychological discipline to keep her career and home life separate but isolation still plagues her

* Dallas star Linda Gray is mourning the death of her son Jeff Thrasher at the age of 56 -- she’s heard from some former Dallas colleagues who have rallied around her and expressed their condolences -- no cause of death for Jeff has been revealed

Page 28: Cover Story -- Prince William is trapped in a cancer nightmare after medical tests have led doctors to suspect the heir to Britain’s throne may be fighting a slow-moving form of the deadly disease and now the 38-year-old royal and his family are terrified he is in severe danger and medical experts are monitoring his health for any symptoms of the illness -- there’s talk around the palace the prince’s decision to reveal he tested positive for COVID-19 during the spring is really an attempt to explain away his condition because doctors found something funky when they checked for the virus -- if William’s health takes a turn for the worse it could further erode confidence in the monarchy which has already endured Prince Andrew’s sex scandal and the defection of Prince Harry -- when William’s doctors dropped their cancer bombshell his wife Duchess Kate Middleton locked herself away with just their kids for five days and she’s practically had a breakdown but she’s learned to be a royal and is now coping very bravely and confronting the future with steely resolve but she is urging William to mend fences with his estranged brother Harry

Page 32: Health Watch

Page 36: Jessica Simpson is preparing her windpipes for a post-pandemic musical comeback -- she hasn’t released an album since Happy Christmas a decade ago but wants to storm the pop charts once again and recruit some of her wider family to give her a disco edge because Jessica has always looked up to Diana Ross who is sister Ashlee Simpson’s mother-in-law and Jessica has been bugging Ashlee to hook her up with Diana and she thinks they could do an incredible duet

Page 38: Paul McCartney has taken a seething jab at a two-faced gold-digging mystery woman in his new song Lavatory Lil but insisted it’s not about his ex-wife Heather Mills

* Lil Wayne’s ex-girlfriend fears he will go insane behind bars -- the rapper is a convicted felon banned from possessing a weapon and now faces up to 10 years in jail after federal agents in Miami caught him with heroin and cocaine and ecstasy and marijuana and a gold-plated gun -- former girlfriend Melissa Howe says he won’t cope and it took him years to get his life back to normal after his last trip inside so for it to happen again for him to be put behind bars it would really get to him mentally

Page 42: Red Carpet -- American Music Awards -- Kristin Cavallari, Christian Serratos, Paris Hilton, Dua Lipa, Bebe Rexha, Megan Fox

Page 45: Spot the Differences -- LeAnn Rimes holding a dog on Hallmark Channel’s Home and Family

Page 47: Odd List

1 note · View note