#life is just generally very hard right now

[kalki-tarot]

THINGS YOU CARRIED FROM YOUR PREVIOUS LIVES ⚖️

Please read : This is just a general reading and may not be 100% true all the times. Please use your brain before making any decisions. Kalki tarot is not responsible for your actions and life decisions.

PICK ONLY ONE PICTURE AND ALLOW ME TO TAP INTO YOUR ENERGY.

Pile 01

I can see you lived by a river, it seems to be the country side. Green grass and shallow wind is what I feel where you belonged. Your sense of belonging in nature comes from this lifetime. You felt comfortable laying over the grass and just looking at the clouds. You were an innocent human being. Your heart held deep sense of purity for everyone and everything. You belonged to a foreign country, different from where you are right now.

I'm getting one more lifetime for you, where you wanted to be a saint or a nun or something like that. You wanted to attain moksha so you decided to take necessary actions but your responsibilities held you down. You could not leave your family or responsibilities i guess.

Your were an emotionally intelligent human being. It can be your gift in your current lifetime to be knowledgeable about spirituality and mysticism. You were born with healing abilities and you may also be a psychic.

Another gift you carried in this lifetime is of alchemy. You may be interested into witchcraft and rituals. Try to practice it more, it will really work well for you. Don't use it for bad things though. You have the power to create and manipulate energies. Your soul possesses infinite knowledge about spiritual. Unlock your hidden potential for its best use.

One more thing I'm seeing is that you carried a lot of burdens too from your previous life. Some traumas or fears, it can be anything. This is the reason why your psychic gifts were blurred or you were just not able to believe in your self, you have wounds from past life too. Healing is needed.

Pile 02

Dear Pile 2, you were someone very helpful and empathetic in your previous life. You were a gentle human being, you may have active water placements in your chart which influence you the most. You were and still are someone very deep and emotional. You understand people around you but sometimes you feel misunderstood. You feel different from everybody else. Yes you are different and it's not bad to be different. You are indeed a very special human being.

In your previous life too, you were a nice person and you did many humanitarian works. All the good karma you did is coming back to you in this lifetime. Please don't let your pure soul get corrupted or influenced by negative people. You often struggle with patience, you get anxious and restless when things don't go as you planned or when you don't see results when you want it. This is what you carried in this lifetime too. Work on having patience. You will definitely reap the fruits of your labour, but before accepting divine timing only!

Again with the fool card, your energy is very restless and childlike. You have the curiosity of a child and you crave adventurous things in life. You can't sit at one place for a long time. But this over restlessness may make you do foolish things. You should try to shift your energy from wasting it on useless things to creating something with your creative mind. You are someone who can build a castle in the sky. What i mean is you have the potential to start from scratch and turn it into something big. Use your energy here rather than doing foolish things.

You were like a wise sufi saint in your past life and you've also carried a lot of wisdom from there. Sometimes you go like where am i even getting these wise thoughts from lol. Yes! You are a street smart person. Use your potential to create something big.

Pile 03

You were someone who used to run behind success. You had or still have a fear of failing and that comes from your past life. You were in a high position in your previous life and you constantly used to work hard for keeping up or maintaining what you had.

You lacked the need to rest. And due to this you became a little too much workaholic. You were too much indulged in your work life that you kind of forget your presonal life and relationships. You will be forced to address the fear of failure in this lifetime too.

And the karma for not addressing your personal relationships is that you will not have any genuine connections in this lifetime. But don't worry, once you accept balance in your life and address your mistakes, things will start aligning for you.

Have a balanced approach and towards work and personal life. Don't be too rational, listen to your head anf heart both. And try not to force yourself to work hard. You will not fail! Don't worry.

#tarot reading #tarot blog #tarot cards #tarot #pick a card #tarot and astrology #tarot community #pick a pile #tarot asks #tarotblr #tarot spread #tarot readings #kalki tarot #kalki.archives #astro community #astro observations #astro notes #astrology #tarot witch #witchblr #witchcraft #the divine masculine #channeled message #tarot blr #tarot beginner #tarot lessons #tarot justice #tarot journal #future spouse reading

[gnashingwailing]

@fireflywritesgt LOVINGLY WRITING MY UNHINGED CH23 THOUGHTS AND THEN BURYING THEM UNDER A READMORE. I felt such overwhelming hype when I saw we got 2 chapters in 1 day I truly was ready to throw my phone out the fucking window. TOO MUCH JOY FOR ONE LITTLE GNASH... I hadn't even finished processing ch21......

first off pov Joe when he goes to Calloway's to pick up his cute new tailored fit in 3 days

soooo right from the jump. hey.

"“…’cause he’s way better off than I am, it’ll make it harder for me to leave him or something. That he’s luring me in. I mean—” Joe laughed nervously as he steeled himself in preparation for how the captain would react to his next statement “—if it were a giant treating me the way he treats me, everyone would call me a pet.”

“Well of course they would, Joe. That’s because giants are evil.” The captain said matter-of-factly.

He may as well have poked Joe squarely in the eye. Nonetheless, the bartender continued."

hey. UM. Joe you beautiful idiot who canonically has bad luck and, presumably from reading this very chapter, a terrible poker face. Maybe you should have said. Any Other Thing? GODDD in my heart he's definitely sooo overconfident and drunk like wow I am so smooth :) nobody suspects a thing :) while Calloway is having a conversation with him like uh... just saying, but you know, none of us could stop you from. for example. idk. becoming a giant's pet. we wouldn't like that but it's just a random thing that came to mind just now, unrelated to the really tall really wealthy really powerful guy who is afraid of taking advantage of you by luring you in and giving you things like a giant would and maybe isn't treating you like a person. And you're afraid you shouldn't want it. Like BRO IT IS SO OVER FOR YOU even without Harry literally calling Joe's name 3+ times in the dead silence 😭😭😭😭 And presumably Harry having been waiting around there for a while to see Joe! Loitering in a way we know tinies are on guard about since they all noticed that snatcher back in Ch13!

They're idiots ur honor, so true, but it's all worth it to see Joe get rescued and swoon like a damsel ... I definitely wonder if Calloway observed any of that, and what he might think about it if so. >:) May or may not have been daydreaming and writing bits about how horrifying it would be to give your surrogate kid all this well-meaning advice, see him nearly slip to his death, and while you're hurrying down to try and help him, watching him call out to a walking nightmare for help and then get whisked away by it

I have a pet theory that everything we've seen from Calloway so far has been pretty heavily colored by it being from Joe's perspective when he's having a bad day, and maybe he will be more understanding than we think? Objectively, I didn't think he was being very rude or anything back in Ch 13, when he was speculating on Joe's love life. It rankled Joe, which is understandable, but he 1) he's happy that Joe looks good, 2) he doesn't let Gutters or O'Grady rag on Joe too hard and 3) he just generally seems like an interested father figure would about his kid's love life:

"“Oh, lay off him, Tim. It’s a good borrowing year!” Captain Calloway cut in. “We all have ‘em, we all enjoy ‘em, we all cry ourselves to sleep when they’re over.”

Relief washed over Joe like the warm water in Harry’s sink.

“Though I gotta say…” The captain gave a wry smile as he continued. “…it could just as easily be someone else’s good borrowing year if ya’ catch my drift. Could be he’s got a little sweetheart looking after him. A brick of pure chocolate? That’s practically a dowry."”

Although I may be wrong here, since Ch 21's incident at Tiny Town with the Italian mob that saved him gives us the insight that "[for] the first time in Joe’s entire existence at that, Joe understood what it was like to have a real father." So maybe Calloway is not that nurturing to Joe and not much of a caring dad -- as @remordsposthume's tags so wisely point out:

WTF WAS HE DOING LETTING HIM LEAVE THE BAR LMAO. Calloway's Den of Drunkards confirmed for an "everybody drive home drunk. it's not my problem" bar??? Everyone is processing TAoLaW thru their own cultural lens and. in that spirit. lmfao. I must say. Calloway reminds me of the libertarian redneck dads I've known who just let their kids do whatever. If he was a giant I think he'd let his kids ride ATVs thru the woods drunk. Most probably he would also be ridin around drunk with them. "If you die it's your own damn fault" being his motto is too on the nose LOL. Huge farm dad "I LOVE MY SONS. ONLY HALF OF THEM WILL SURVIVE TO ADULTHOOD BUT I DO LOVE THEM" energy. To Me.

(Btw Harry & Joe processing their parental issues together WHEN <3)

BUT ANYWAY YEAH EVEN IF CALLOWAY WAS THE MOST UNOBSERVANT GUY IN THE WORLD RE: THAT SUSPICIOUS CONVERSATION? YOU WERE LITERALLY BOTH SCREAMING EACH OTHERS' NAMES LIKE LOVESICK ROMANCE PROTAGONISTS RIGHT UNDER THE DREDGE THAT'S STILL PROBABLY GOT AT LEAST SOME NIGHT MARKET CUSTOMERS? HELLO?? @94444 we are on the same wavelength rn

AND MORE ABOUT CALLOWAY... I am very heartened by how you mentioned once, Warren, that you planned to give each character real depth and treat them with sincerity. I feel very interested about when that time will be for Calloway! We know that he takes in kids (or at least O'Grady and Joe scratch that. tag lore be upon me) and teaches them how to sell trinkets. We know that he hates giants. We know he's been horribly injured in a way that led to him losing a hand, an eye, and possibly teeth. Knowing what we do about the risks of being a borrower, and how casually cruel giants are to them, it's not unlikely those last 2 things are related. I'M TAKING YOUR TAGS AND RUNNING AWAY WITH THEM LIKE A DOG W SOMETHING IN ITS MOUTH.

So Calloway knew them for several years as vulnerable kids... then lost them for a year or so... then got them back after they escaped the watchmaker's? I will be interested to see if that trauma means he's more protective of them, or uh, still more drunk libertarian dad about them. Lmao. He seemed like he cared about Joe getting into Tiny Town way back in Ch3 tho at least! (as an aside... interested in who Gutters is, too. He SEEMS to be older than Joe/Tim, but he could also still be a Calloway Kid himself... he seems to defer to Calloway... and/or he could just be some guy embittered about giant/tiny relations. which. fair, brother.)

If the broader Tiny Town culture (such as it is... would word get around about this incident with Joe and Harry, or does news just not travel that well amongst lots of secluded borrower communities? much to consider. it makes sense in a dark way why you would physically mark somebody who's transgressed against society's cardinal rule, in a culture where you cannot generally spread information effectively) would reject Joe for his proclivities... will Calloway, too? Or is it Joe's anxiety making him think that? I'm afraid we already know how Tim would feel. Other than him, Calloway is the person who Joe seems most connected to in miniature society... Although Harry's worry about Joe not spending enough time around his fellow miniatures in Ch22 is at least partially motivated by his own guilt-trip, I think he has a bit of a point! I hope Joe doesn't lose touch with everyone -- or if he does, I hope there will be new friends out there for him, too, who are more understanding.

(LORRAINE WHEN)

Now Calloway aside, OBVIOUSLY THE ENDING OF THIS CHAPTER HAD ME HOOTIN AND HOLLERIN.

“Joe… can we go back to the big, sexy giant part for a second?” <- LIT'RALLY me rereading this chapter 800 times

A snapping turtle is a fantastic little horror for poor Joe to face, woof. Those fuckers are scary enough when ur height is measured in feet. The quick way they snap is no joke. Just want to 👏👏👏👏 about how good this passage is: The turtle’s maw emerged from the waters of the lake like the gaping mouth of some ancient monster that fed on the souls of sailors. The grimy lakewater rushed over its beady little eyes as its beak, sharp as a dagger, flew towards Joe faster than a gunshot. YEAH.

It just!! makes my little heart sooooo happy to see that Joe does have someone who will unconditionally look out for him...!!! Harry has his issues, and they're still learning how to open up about themselves, but he consistently shows up!! :') the thought of him waiting for his man all night ... hoping the dredge would be the place Joe meant ... and then acting sooo fast when he saw a tiny guy fall off of it... what a faithful hound of a [future] boyfriend. Calloway is so right. Joe deserves somebody to look after him. And Joe has done the (forgive me for the loaded meme) girl math on this. One big man is the best possible outcome for him. ONLY THE BIGGEST MAN WILL DO to keep him off of his bullshit as much as possible 👍👍

And OF COURSE god their conversation is just so so so fucking funny. "Thank you" "fuck no I'm not" -> "FUCK YOU" is INCREDIBLE i CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT lmaooooo and Harry still being so gentle about receiving this insult and trying to parse what Joe means ... he does listen to Joe, they're definitely not back to square one as drunk!Joe feared, his own issues are just getting in the way! (And Joe's are getting in the way of him seeing thru Harry's facade into what the real issue is! We love to see it!)

"“I meant that. You don’t get to call me handsome until you start listening to me.” He slurred. “You gotta—you gotta want it.”

Joe crossed his arms and scowled up at the beautiful man and his beautiful face as Harry tried to parse what Joe was saying.

“Want it…?” Harry echoed.

“Yeah. You gotta want to be my friend. And screw what anyone else thinks!”"

And did anyone else cackle at how Joe telephone-gamed Calloway's advice to still be in plausible-deniability-land. "You gotta want to be my friend" ok. not what he fuckin said. run that back real quick -> "Not if you’re being open about what you want and everything. That’s how love works, Joe. You gotta want it."

I just adored the moments of insight between them, too. "... Joe knew his real answer was yes – he was just too afraid to say it overtly. He argued and fought and begrudgingly accepted it instead. / What was that saying to Harry?" vs. Ch22 Harry's revelation: "How much of his relationship with Joe was genuine, he wondered, and how much of it was Joe going along with Harry’s suggestions in the name of diplomacy?"

Joe IS acting like somebody who's being coerced! Harry IS being a trustworthy guy by noticing it and checking in once their relationship is definitely turning intimate! It's so fascinating to think in hindsight that every time Joe turned red and embarrassed, Harry was having a thought at the back of his mind like "he doesn't want this. I'm scaring him. He doesn't want me, and he doesn't even know the real me yet. And worse, he can't tell me, because he's afraid of what I might do to him." But he can't SAY all that because it would hurt too much if he said it and Joe confirmed he was actually correct, so Ch22 comes out as a trainwreck where he's accidentally insulting Joe's ability to survive without him. (Side note I KNEW Harry wasn't REALLY considering Joe his landlord. Sad!!! That fucked up scrawny starving guy has squatter's rights and he was doing pretty good all things considered maybe !!!)

The respective issues ~Society~ has given both of them just make it impossible to talk about the root of their problems without baring your guts in a really terrifying way. OOF.

HOWEVER this chapter confirming that homophobia isn't such a problem in tiny society is going to make this eventual conversation betwen them real interesting... Harry like "You don't understand Joe :( there's something really wrong with me... ... I like ... men..." and Joe being like "omg :) :) :) :) :) wait what's wrong with you tho" and then Joe "No you don't understand Harry :( I know this is sick but... I like.. giants... I'm sure you could never see someone smaller than you as anything other than a pet ..." and Harry just ":) :) :) :) oh what no :) Georgie was shorter than me" I hope they can have a good, baffled laugh at how long they could've been snuggling guilt-free. At the end of the angst. <3

#taolaw

[hella1975]

their relationship means everything to me

#THE WAY TINA WAS THE ONE WHO HATED SYD THE MOST AND MADE HER LIFE HELL AT FIRST AND TRIED TO GET HER TO QUIT #BUT SYD INSPIRED TINA AND THEY SLOWLY SLOWLY BEGAN TO WORK TOGETHER #AND NOW TINA IS THE FIRST TO ASK SYD IF SHE'S OKAY ON A BAD DAY AND SYD IS THE FIRST TO TRUST IN TINA AND HER SKILL #BAWLING ACTUALLY!! #this show is so genuinely good like i was saying to my mum the other day that this is the first time in so fucking long #where ive watched a new piece of media and it's just genuinely been GOOD. like i find myself pointing out shit that was once a given #in media like 'every single character is given time and depth and purpose and everyone has dynamics with everyone #not just the leads with each other and there's difficult-to-love characters that work hard to grow on you' etc etc #and it's such a shame that the entertainment industry got to such a place where every piece of media currently coming out was just awful #and you'd have to really dig to find something good but i hope with the strikes atm at the very least we're headed in the right direction #and i know this disney show isn't exactly some radical new thing but. idk it's just nice to watch something good again #and get really into something that is generally quite mainstream #the bear

[icyfox17]

G’morning Icy! You have the Voice on a Monday? Or do you just watch it later? That’s such a Friday/weekend show in my head (because they broadcast ours on Friday and we watch it during the weekend so we can skip the adds, why is there so many adds?)

Also, where’s your voice at? Mine just started the live shows, so about 3ish week until the final.

-🌲

Morning Spruce!!!

WOAHHHH U WATCH THE VOICE TOO LETS GOOO

Ours is live on Monday/Tuesdays but since I work during it I watch the recording after I come home and skip the ads >:D (no seriously, why are there so many ads??#?#?#?#)

OOOH THATS SO EXCITING OMGOMGOGMGOMG

Ours just started the knockouts yippee, I've never watched an international one, are the rules different?? They keep changing it up every season. Like this season during battles the coaches had a playoff pass where instead of "saving" a contestant, the other person who didn't "win" the battle they could use a playoff pass to send them straight to playoffs so they can skip the knockouts

It's v interesting:0

But yeah!! So def have a couple months before finals wowieieieie

Also is urs only on one day a week?? Ours is split up into two times a week. On Mondays it's a two hour ep (with ads, so more like an hour and a half without ads) and Tuesdays it's an hour (45 mins without ads)

#foxieasks #spruce tag #i hadnt watched the voice in years but last season i saw my grandfather watching it and decided to start watching it with him again #both cause MAN last season was quite literally the best season in years (like the coaches themselves and everyone on twt was saying that) #but also bc i wanted to spend more time with him #my grandfather just uh passed away recently tho (literally Right around the w soot situation like WOW great time life thank you) #so its been really hard in general and i wasnt sure if i was gonna continue watching it #but i wanted to:( #it still makes me feel connected to him in a way yknow? #but yeah i get very emotional while watching it now #its bittersweet #both nice and really really sad

[sapphictgirl]

I'm fine

↑ she was not fine

#I've been so emotional lately akskdka rough time of year for me 🥲😔 #it's been a long year in general #I've been crying kind of a lot lately. just rly overwhelmed with this delayed grief. #I've been dating or hooking up w someone since i was 16 so this year i focused on myself n friendship instead #and it's been great. but it also gives me a lot of space to process everything and find clarity - which is also great but The Grief 🫠 #giving myself space 2 process my feelings includes making time to cry and talk my way thru it openly 👉👈 #transitional periods of ur life r hell fr though it moves by so slow when you're in it then completely forget when ur in ur next phase #i hope better things are coming for me soon. i do my best 😔 i think next yr will be a lot better after i move and I'm trying so hard to #enjoy right now. *long deleted sigh !!!!!* #i wish i could just throw myself into someone's arms and be held. but idk when or how I'll meet the next person 😮‍💨 #dating apps around here r kind of hell and i gave up on them tbh. i think they're a lot better in A Town but it's too oversaturated #and also none of the friends i made thru them rly stuck. i keep busy w my friend n hobbies n bandit and it leaves me satisfied day to day #but there is a very deep Yearning inside of me that's rly gnawing at me lately 🥲 #sleepover talk

[floral-hex]

Denim jacket came in the other day. It’s a hefty boy. Heavy heavy. Sleeves are kind of long, but I have nefarious plans for them, so it should work out. Stocked up on supplies. Big bucket. Big bleach. Armful of fabric dyes in varying shades of black and yellow. It’s been in the 100°s here, and I already sweat like a swamp beast. Strictly fall & winter wear. Plenty of time to make something garish and gauche. It’s a good distraction. My life is falling apart. I need good distractions.

#I have very little idea of what I’m doing but I like that #I like when people have no idea what they’re doing but they try to do it anyway #I’m hoping it at least makes it unique #it’s easy to think outside of the box when you have no idea what the box is #just let me get a little hyped for this please #my life right now is… not great #I need little victories #I spent last night cleaning and crying and I’m just so tired #I have no idea what I’m doing. in general. in life. right now. I’m lost. #no no this post is about a jean jacket #no moping allowed #I can’t wait to huff bleach in my tiny bathroom #I need a fucking hug #and weed. and sleep. and lots of affection. I can get one of those. the other two… blegh 🫤 #I actually probably don’t need drugs and I couldn’t get any if I did. not unless I want to drive 3-4 hrs across state lines… #…which… I have thought a lot about this past week. I’m one bad day away from it I swear #I just… I can’t handle this. I can. but it’s hard. I just want to rest and not feel like my world is ending #Ian shut up #okay kisses #you can ignore this #text

[ronanlynchbf]

"all this foreshadowing abt declan dying and then he didn't even die" well personally i think declan got murdered dead by mstief in greywaren so. actually 2 me he did die. Badly.

#like sorry 2 to say it but also not sorry the declan i know would never do to matthew what he did in gw.. #like obviously he has done some shit stuff to matthew (and ronan as well. this to mean ronan did shit stuff irt matthew as well not declan #did shit stuff to ronan. though he very much did and vice versa but like not the point here.) BUT i know he would NEVER strip matthew of his #autonomy like that and NEVER for so long. like i didn't write declan lynch as a character but also i know he wouldn't do that. that's his #baby brother........and i know he feels like matthew robbed him of his youth and his life and whoever he would've grown up to be but HE JUST #WOULD NEVER....i know this....like sorry but that is the most awful fucked up shit to do ever in the entire world. someone depends on you #and looks up to you and trusts you and you take away the thing that keeps them awake??? i'd even say the thing that essentially keeps them #ALIVE bc without a sweetmetal dreams aren't really alive they're just sleeping for eternity which is a kind of death. LIKE...... #that just baffles me so much u just have to be soooooo uncaring to do that....like if he just did it in the moment of anger - snatched that #pendant off matthew's neck so he fell asleep and declan wouldn't have to deal with him anymore and then immediately afterwards was like. #what have i done this is so fucked up to do to someone. and put the pendant back on matthew. and apologized prefusely for it. that would #have still not been fine but in bouts of anger ppl do stupid desperate things that negatively affect others and it would've been #considerably less fucked up than it is now. like declan kept that pendant away for UP TO TWO DAYS. he drove the whole way back put ronan #somewhere safe carried matthew out of the car and into the house carried him upstairs into the bedroom and put him in bed went back #downstairs went outside locked the car went back into the house ate showered slept woke up ate breakfast again go through the whole day and #NOT ONCE did he think to himself oh this thing i'm doing is genuinely horrible i can't just take away someone's like. awareness. like that #& went to go 'wake' matthew????? NOT ONCE????? ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS???? NOT ONCE IN THOSE ONE AND A HALF OR TWO OR POSSIBLY MORE DAYS??? #also just the whole. turning into his father thing. HARD NO. u mean the same declan who hated his father for very right reasons and hated #what he did to the entire lynch family both while he was alive and after he died the same declan that hated all the trading and buying and #selling dream things business and just that underground market in general (that btw. put the family he had left in life-threatening danger.) #the same declan who hated his father for dreaming a more perfect and loving unconditionally copy of his actual mother (rightfully so.) went #on 2 go into the exact business he always hated w/ a fiery passion?? ur also telling me he invited his father's killer to his wedding? fake. #trc #greywaren #<- needs its own tag bc i'm not putting it in the same category as call down the hawk my beloved call down the hawk. #anyway. that entire essay in the tags can be summarized w/: who declan ended up as & his entire arc is SO shit i hate it sm peace n love 🙏 #as i've said before. me: mom can we have declan lynch? mom: no we have declan lynch @ home. declan lynch @ home: declan lynch in greywaren. #<<<<< full experience of reading gw. 2 me. ARGHHHH AOUGH THE POTENTIAL IT HAD THE POTENTIAL IT WASTED... IT'S ACTUALLY SO SAD....

[strwbrymlkshake]

Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(

#mine #oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times #but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry #like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie #im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc #i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me #thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related #anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that #ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired #// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always #because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life #like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing #me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little #so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die #every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt. #well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he #is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him #every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again #but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh #i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT #I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time #like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me #he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do #he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away

[tj-crochets]

Updates! - I got a new job! Or a promotion? Different job title and hours, same company. It’s a full time job, which is very nice but means less crafting time. I can hand sew/crochet/embroider while sitting at my desk waiting for emails, but I can’t use my sewing machine and I get a lot more emails, so less crafting time - I am almost done hand sewing a chicken. For various reasons, I couldn’t machine sew this pattern anyway, and I needed something to do to keep me busy between emails, so chicken time!! I am not posting photos because all it’s missing is a head, and I’m not going to take a picture of a headless plush chicken. Somehow, my grandma would know lol (she hates when I leave plushies headless or faceless for any length of time) 

#the person behind the yarn #crafting updates #also my dad (who I live with) tested positive for covid #I tested negative and he's quarantining away from me #so now it's the 'wait for symptoms to start or to test positive' stress #to go with the worrying about my dad #he got his booster like a month ago and I've heard this round of covid is less bad than previous ones in general #please do not correct me if I am wrong. Nothing to do but wait right now #and I can have literal allergic reactions to stress #like. anaphylaxis. not like hives #so I am trying very hard to not stress! to varying levels of success #my dad is doing okay. he has a mild cough and body aches but his blood oxygen level is good and he doesn't have a fever #I have not had to take a benadryl yet so I am also doing okay #and I have no more covid-y symptoms than I usually do? #and I suspect if I were ill it would not be subtle. at all. adrenal issues and illness are not friends. #also I've just never been subtle a day in my life about anything

[pepprs]

ykw that was exactly the thing i was vaguing about earlier this morning btw (sorry). since saturday night the whole topic of [pausing here to transform into a hideous beast because of the word my phone was trying to suggest i put after ‘topic of.’ like could this get any more meta and/or disturbing] anyways the whole topic of.. me and how i am or am not situated like.. r*mantically. it’s been multiple times every day since saturday night that it’s come up in posts i see in irl convos in photo memory reminders in shows my family is watching etc. ajd im not like mad at anyone/thing for posting / talking about it it’s just i feel like exploding a little bit between me myself and i that’s all

#purrs #i know i am 23 years old and i have a lot of life left ahead of me. but i think it’s just hard because im almost always the least #experienced / most sheltered person in the room. and some of that isn’t my fault bc it’s a product of 💖generational trauma💖 but some of it i #is ithink. im skittish like a horse. i had to cut off my life here when i went abroad and then covid hit and i think i got so used to things #being fucked up and to seeing fewer people that isolation became normal for me and now trying to push myself past that is terrifying and i #get so easily overwhelmed by socializing and i hate it but also that’s everyone rn i guess bc we are living in hell. but im skittish like a #horse. i have damaged friendships with people i really cared about because they told me they liked me and i couldn’t handle that and im #haunted every single day by the thought of how i mishandled things at 17-18 and probably caused certain individuals a lot of pain that they #may still be feeling and i want to apologize but that might only make it worse so i never can. and ofc like im jealous and insecure bc ive n #never even been like.. idk. the closest i ever got to being in a relationship was w one of those ppl and i ran away at the point that we rec #reciprocated and i just feel stupid and defective and i hate that if i had to do it all over again i would probably do the same thing. #ive grown a lot emotionally in the last 5 years but im still so like… weak in some ways and there’s common sense / natural compassion things #that i can sense Wojld make sense to do but i just can’t. i am not a good friend or family member right now and so how on earth could i ever #be a good partner to someone. but also uhmmmmmmmmmmmmm life is very very hard to do alone and i would like to not do it alone. and i know #there’s hope but i also like. can’t handle it. idk. it’s a mess and im just depressed about it so hopefully talking about it candidly will b #be enough to like.. eliminate the possibility of it coming up again bc it’s hard enough when im not thinking about it it’s even harder when #there are signs and reminders everywhere that i am young and inexperienced and feeling cringefail misery and doom and jealousy about it #delete later #its also fucking insane bc you grow up and realize what you’ve been missing out on bc you were a kid and it’s like how do i even get there a #and then the older adults you live with and interact with regularly rub it in your face both intentionally and unintentionally and sometimes #without malice but it’s still like… can there please not be about 15 examples of the exact thing i want that are unavoidable and inescapable #at al times by virtue of my life situation rn. in the back of my mind there is always a thread agitated by that and it sucks

[banschivs]

Since for me this blog has been feeling like a massive flop and more like a prop lately, and given my worsening health making me extra bitter just in general, I think I'm gonna need to hit a soft refresh here. I'm not moving because I lack the commitment to do that, but I will be dropping, probably a few threads that have unfortunately been left behind context-wise. Gonna start fresh as Nix is newly pregnant, the arc is done, and there's nothing really else I can think of to spark motivation. So refresh it is. I do still want to write with people, and if our thread was a little left behind in Nix's canon, you'll likely get a meme or two sent from me when I next see you rb one.

#i'm kind of like... just tired #i've had a few good tries doing something important for nix's development and it always ends in like nothing #largely probs bc i'm a garbage fire but leave that alone lads aight aight #i think just honing my focus on where she is /right now/ and moving with that might help #tbd #overall a very bleh sense on here rn #and in life so it couuuuld just be a reflection #i'm gonna try and go meditate in the wild today to do a soft reset on my brain too #after a big bout of blood tests nothing could go wrong #yes its raining i live in the north #thats perfect weather #but yeah i really do want to keep interactions going even if i have to leave a few threads #i work hard on giving female muses extra time too bc i know that life can be shite lmfao #so please in general dont take my lack of reply as an insult #i will be haunting your inbox or starter/plotting calls #and youre more than welcome to haunt mine when given the opportunity too #:) #me... on the floor... exhausted and in pain tears streaming down my face: good vibes only we're good vibes only #working on it

[whimsyprinx]

I am so incredibly bad at friendship

#whimsy whispers #whims woes #yet another discord server fell through. you’d think I would’ve stopped trying sooner but I didn’t because I am stupid #I can’t keep a server active to save my life nor can I keep a conversation going in general #nor do I believe I’m worth anyone’s time and effort when it comes to reaching out and talking #it’s very easy for me to put their theory to test and be proven right #if I stop reaching out first (which i have) i won’t hear from y’all and like I get it’s hard to reach out to people I really do but at this #point I don’t even feel like most of y’all even want to be friends anymore so like idk I’m done trying for now #maybe I’m not putting in enough effort but like idk I thought I was or maybe I was being overbearing and doing too much #there’s like nothing else to be done because idk what to do #it’s so pathetic too because eventually I always cave and reach out first like a loser and the issue rinses and repeats and repeats and #repeats #like god I just want to feel like I’m worth the time and like people do actually want to be friends with me #or I’d like to be told that that isn’t the case up front #but I don’t feel like either thing will happen #anyways if anyone from my latest failure or a server sees this hello and goodbye #I’m not going to make y’all stay in a dead server that gets maybe a few messages each month #and I’m also going to not bother you privately anymore because what good does that do anyone? #eventually I’m not going to have any friends #I don’t even want to say this is me pushing people away because I’d love if people actually wanted to speak to me and if people do talk to #me I do happily reply #I just give up on putting in effort when it’s like no one cares #I cannot for my life maintain a friendship despite my best efforts so I’m just like taking a break from trying

[saltyfilmmajor]

In the same vein where recognize that I’m far too selfish to become a parent, I can’t be bothered with being good emotional support to romantic partners

#It's a very complicated thing I'm not just acting like an ass #It's like: i have to force myself to be caring (in a romantic context) where teh expectation is that you seek emotional support from your SO #I'd like to think I am a generally caring person but it's so hard to carve out that space for a stranger #Even wit friends i hesitate to spend a lot of time with them #but that's a seperate issue having to do with my learned loner tendencies #Anyway I doubt I'll spend the rest of my life alone or whatever that's not the scope of this post #it's more of: I now really recognize that I really will only develop feelings for people I already know and that means that I'm gonna have #Wy more unrequited love in my life than i'd care to experience #I wish i wasn't like that tbh i'd be able to navigate my own life so much easier #right now I don't want a relationship anyhow I just privately worry no one's company will be as comfortable as my own #*With a few Exceptions anyway

[magnus-and-the-dragon]

.

#i have such a hard time with conversations around infertility and pregnancy loss #because obviously that pain is very real and genuine #but i think it is also so so so tied up in toxic ideologies. in the prioritization of motherhood and bio families above all else #i see so many stories of people having miscarriage after miscarriage and #it’s not even that i can’t sympathize with THEM #it’s that i CANNOT understand how the people around them. doctors and family and friends and their SPOUSES. #support what is so clearly an unhealthy obsession. a form of self harm at a certain point. #ultimately it is just one of those things we have to work a generation at a time i think #we can’t undo the social conditioning and trauma that puts SO MANY people in that situation #we have to focus on making sure the next generation doesn’t inherit those same traumas #that same equation of self worth with ability to bear children #but it is still so hard to see how prevalent these ‘infertility’ communities are right now #AND IT FEELS CONDESCENDING TO EVEN TRY AND TALK ABOUT THIS #to look at those communities and go oh the pain you’re experiencing is the result of cultural brainwashing #and i d o n ‘ t want to be condescending or dismissive #but it is just so clearly unhealthy. the way so many of these place motherhood above their own mental and physical wellbeing. #or at least think motherhood is NECESSARY for their mental wellbeing #and are clearly so unable to see another way to live a fulfilling life. to the extent that they risk their own present and future for it. #idk i’m just rambling i just stumbled on yet another community of people talking abt this and every time i walk away feeling #so uncomfortable and unsettled and sad #i hope we as a society can do better next time. that is all. #i say this as someone whose partner desperately wants to be pregnant and will likely need ivf to get there: i cannot IMAGINE #seeing the person i love most experience three. five. nine miscarriages in a row. #seeing them clearly depressed and distraught by this #and thinking YES the correct course of action is to KEEP TRYING #especially not if he wasn’t in therapy. especially when it was against medical advice. #obviously ultimately the choice of whether or not to get pregnant is with /the person getting pregnant/ #but are the people around them not doing ANYTHING?? are they not worried?? #the people in these forums are so clearlt depressed and self loathing and on a fucking ledge #and NO ONE on their lives is pressing them to take a break and get checked out and reevaluate what they are doing and why?

[godforg1veme]

FUCKED UP how I can't post art on this account

#actually being hyperfixated on this is difficult for art generally because #you either draw it using references. which NO NOPE I'M OUT FUCK YOU #or you draw it WITHOUT references which is also stupid #like oh I guess I'll just draw him as a twink now? i mean I GUESS he gets. described. that way. a lot? #but with everyone else you are still using the og appearance but there's a mental barrier for googling references #like if you see the reference you're like AHHG FUCK why am I drawing him again #and also art ideas in general were hard. at least until this most recent book with so many drawable scenes I guess #but it's still fucked up because you are actively choosing to draw art only 1 person aside from yourself will actually see #despite this you can't draw art of anything *else* because your brain is fully occupied with this and your personal life #which you have always been quite allergic to drawing art of #and you can't draw nonpersonal og stuff because your art's development has hinged on fandom for a very very long time #so now it doesn't feel right #you also get a fuckton of shitpost ideas and none of them are understandle without like. a mountain of context #sigh it's fucking 5 am now WHAT am I doing

[freshluxbreeze]

trying to find out what you truly want, trying to be true to your own values and what you want out of life independently is so hard when you're just getting out of being a teenager esp with covid it's hard to explain without my body cringing and fearing repercussions. i don't know how many 21 year olds are that rebellious but despite my stubbornness i still find myself feeling like my entire being has been playing balancing acts and trying to appease everyone around me for a good life and trying to rewrite or conditioning myself to become more normal and palatable even in childhood even if it wasn't "that bad" and it's getting worse as i get older right now. i hope this ends

#i had a strong sense of identity as a child through my likes and hobbies and my personality thank god #but it's been hard to reach that old me again and i feel very off kilter and like a worse me #i just don't think i can emotionally manage fully accepting myself right now and that's the big problem affecting my emotional stability #right now #i guess like fear of rejection is the overarching problem but even then it's like. it feels like i can handle that because i have for ages #in different ways #but now it's like there's so many voices and opinions and systems that are tugging in all sorts of directions #when your now an adult that if you don't follow them you're a big problem #maybe younger me just had better things to keep my mind occupied with because this isn't new #this year in general has just been so unstable #i forget the first half was a nightmare then summer was a lull with issues of self hatred and now i'm back in school #trying to restart life and seeing the consequences of doing the right thing and not quitting #i say summer being a lull too even tho my family was going through a massive shift #SIGH