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clanoffelidae · 2 months

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I’m always scared of jinxing myself by opening my mouth and saying I’m ‘not physically disabled anymore’ or that ‘my cyclic vomiting is gone’; because there’s no cure and we don’t know why it sometimes just… stops. There’s not even really any medication to manage it you just kind of… try to work through it and manage symptoms and side effects as best you can. Namely, the dehydration due to excessive vomiting being the main concern. (Have had abdominal spasms due to becoming dehydrated from it before. Took me 5-6 minutes to army crawl six feet to the shower, wiggle out of my clothes, and stretch up to turn on the hot water to try and soothe the muscles I was in so much pain. It was also like 4am and I was at a homestay in another country so fuck me I guess lol. Fortunately my homestay actually spoke English; which worked out because I speak Spanish decently well so I was making an active effort to converse with her and practice before I got sick, she was extremely helpful because I mainly needed help with specific vocabulary/phrases and she could help me translate them, and then when I got sick and was so exhausted I could barely communicate in English anymore I was able to drop the Spanish and still be understood and given help. That’s a tangent tho lol sorry)

And that’s true of a lot of physical disabilities, sadly, so I’m sure many of you can understand why I’m scared of it. Because I’m one of the lucky ones, even when my condition was at it’s worst I had more good days than bad. One of the defining characteristics of CVS is that in between episodes you would never know something is wrong with us.

And sometimes people just… ‘grow out of it’, so to speak. It most commonly affects children, even being thought of as a pediatric disease, and then just goes away when they get older. I was a weird case, I had two sporadic episodes in high school and then it hit me hard basically as soon as I got to college; it only ever happened when I was an adolescent/adult.

During the worst of it I would have episodes as little as 3 weeks apart; I’d be in severe agony and vomiting profusely for around 24 hours, take several days for the pain to go away (the episode was over but I was sore after the vomiting), and about a week for the brain fog and lethargy to clear up. I knew my stomach was empty, I knew I had nothing in it, but it felt so swollen and I was convinced it was about to tear open like an overfilled balloon. The condition is believed to be related to migraine headaches and I believe it - my severe migraines are the throbbing kind where it feels like my head is about to explode, and that is the exact same kind of pain I was feeling in my stomach. Those same, unique qualities that differentiate the pain of a migraine from another headache were exactly what I felt in my abdomen. I was also light and sound sensitive, seeking darkness and solitude; although it didn’t cause literal pain to be exposed to light and sound like with a migraine headache, it stressed me out for ‘seemingly no reason’, overwhelming me and increasing my pain as a result of the stress and desire for the stimulus to go away.

My last episode was in 2019. I only even had frequent episodes for a little over 2 years.

And I’m still deathly afraid of every new medication I try because I don’t know why it stopped. Nothing about my lifestyle changed, nothing about my habits. I was never able to identify any triggers like with my headaches, it just sort of ‘happened’ as far as I could tell.

I have no idea why it started and no idea why it stopped.

And I’m constantly fucking terrified that I’ll fuck something up and it’ll come back, that this time of peace and ‘health’ is temporary. I’m so fucking scared because it hurts so fucking much and I don’t want to be in pain again.

I don’t want to be in pain again.

And I don’t know why I’m bringing this up or what I’m trying to say really. I guess I just want to get my fears written down because they’re circling in my head again.

And I guess I also want to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone who suffers with a ‘hidden’ condition that no one believes you about, I’m sorry for everyone who is barely dragging themselves through it day by day; in pain, exhausted, and with the people around them burnt out on offering help because ‘why can’t you just get better already’.

I’m lucky, I’m so very, very lucky that for whatever reason my episodes just… stopped. They just stopped. And even still I live aware of the sword dangling over my head, never believing that the dragon is actually dead and is only just sleeping, still there to be reawakened if I mess up (when I don’t have the slightest idea what or where that invisible line I must never cross is), and I never dare to say that I’m ‘cured’ because I don’t believe in miracles like that. It’s a miracle that they stopped, and I’m grateful for it, but I will never dare to believe that they couldn’t come roaring right back any day.

Disability can happen to anyone, and I’m vividly aware that my old pain could be stumbled into at any minute, along with any number of other things, and I’m so sorry to everyone who still lives with their pain that is a constant companion. Mine is sleeping, but I remember it well for how it burned like the sun, to the point that I was able to identify sporadic episodes years after the fact that I had thought only stomach bugs because they were so horrible.

Pain is good, but not like this.

Pain is meant to be a teacher, a protector. A warning system of ‘hey! Don’t do that! We could get hurt!’ Your body’s way of keeping you safe and alive; don’t touch the fire because it hurts, don’t touch the fire because it could kill you. Pain is life’s way of steering you away from death, of keeping you safe and alive; letting you know there’s damage so you know to keep that part safe while it heals and use it less. Because when you’re about to walk into the flames your body doesn’t have the time to sit down and explain it to you gently, it has to alert you ‘NOW. PULL BACK NOW!’

Pain is meant to be a good thing; it’s meant to keep you alive and to protect you, to teach you about danger so you know how to be safe, and go let you know when you’ve been damaged so that you can make sure to give the damage time to heal.

But it’s not meant to be there all the time; it’s not meant to be constantly flashing the alarms when there’s nothing to be done, your body trying to help and let you know that something’s wrong when there’s nothing you can do. It’s not meant to linger until it breaks you, to weigh on your shoulders until you struggle to see the good past it. But just like with any good thing, so often does it become ill.

Pain is a constant companion for too many of us, and I’m so, so sorry for that.

You shouldn’t have to be strong.

I’m sorry.

I just wanted to let you all know that.

#vomiting #cyclic vomiting syndrome #actually disabled #disability #chronic pain #recurrent pain #i hate how pain is such a beautiful thing #your body’s alert system and life’s way of making sure you stay alive #protecting you - teaching you - keeping you safe and helping you to heal #letting you know what you need to #and it just gets twisted into something horrible #becoming chronic and never leaving and breaking you down #being used intentionally by others for cruel devices #and i just. i don’t know.#it upsets me is all #i’m sorry to everyone who has to be strong #you shouldn’t have to be #i’m sorry #life’s hard and survival’s not easy #that’s not the way the world works #i get that and i accept that #but this is more than that #and it’s not fair #and i’m sorry for that #i get that life is a constant battle for survival #but you shouldn’t be having to fight with yourself

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softquietsteadylove · 7 months

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I’d love to see some angst for the circus AU! Kro can’t be too happy that Thena keeps gravitating toward the lowly veterinarian 👀

Thena dismounted Angus, landing on one foot then the other. She hit her final pose, arms in the air, counting to three.

"Good!"

As soon as Kro's cane tapped the ground, Thena all but crumbled. At first she just hunched her shoulders, then she slowly sank to her knees, her chest heaving for breath in her tight, sparkling costume.

"Thena!"

He leaned over her, his hands hovering near but never on her. He bent, tilted his head, trying to see her and asses the damage. His worry was always evident, not that being a veterinarian qualified him to look after the health of the human performers.

Not that they had a proper physician in the company anyway.

"Thena, are you okay?" Gilgamesh asked gently, still hovering close but never making contact with her pale skin.

She nodded, although her gasping for breath was plain to see to everyone around the ring. She put her hand up to tell him she didn't need his assistance. Again, her hand drifted in the direction of his, but the two never met. "I-I'm okay, Gil."

Kro eyed them as he made his way down from the stands. "Run it again."

The vet looked up, glaring at him with a surprisingly intimidating expression, for someone always smiling. "Are you crazy? She can't do it again--look at her."

Thena only continued to get paler and paler.

"Are you telling me what my wife can and can't do?" Kro had no problem demanding, getting in Gil's face and using every inch of height he had on him.

"I'm saying that Thena is exhausted," Gilgamesh insisted, meeting his glare head on, like two dogs nearly locking heads as they bared their teeth.

"I'm fine," she huffed and puffed. She finally did pull her head up, indeed white as a sheet, "just...give me ten minutes."

"It's almost time for lunch anyway, boss," another stage hand suggested gently.

Thena remained on the ground as a few more came to her defense as subtly as possible. She looked up at her husband, "please?"

He all but snarled, picking up his cane in his hand.

Gilgamesh flinched, hunching closer to Thena, in front of her. He had thought Kro would pick up his cane and strike her in her defenseless position.

Kro looked at them both with as much disdain as he could afford to show so publically. "Half an hour--then I want tot see a run of the full show, front to back!"

The cast and crew held in their groans, all of them well beyond tired from their ruthless schedules. But Kro turned his back to exit the tent, leaving his staff - including his wife - to their work.

"Are you okay?" Gil whispered to Thena, kneeling down closer to her again. "You don't look so good."

Thena leaned into the press of the back of his hand to her cheek. Her eyes closed in pure bliss. "I just need to get off my feet, have some water."

Gil offered her his hand, letting her lean all of her weight on him as she stood. He wrapped his arm behind her and around her shoulder, holding it as gently as he would a bird in his palm. "Come on."

He helped her hobble over to the stands, even the old and unvarnished wood being better than being on her feet. Once they were both sitting, she continued to lean on him, seeming to fit right into his side like they were made for each other.

No one even batted an eye.

Thena reached for his cup of water eagerly, ready to gulp it down.

"Hey, easy," he spoke gently, like he did with his wounded animals. His hand tipped the cup up to her lips, letting her sip just a little at a time. "Don't make yourself sick."

He held the cup for her, letting her sip gently. Their hands met on the painted outside of the old tin, fingers brushing. She didn't even blink as he raised his palm to her forehead.

"I really think you should rest, Thena," he said just above a whisper. "You're probably coming down with something, you're so tired."

She didn't argue, just looked down at the water mug of his she held onto. "Kro won't have it. I haven't missed a single show since...well, since we were young."

The vet''s face hardened, "he's pushing you too hard."

Thena shrugged, "in sickness and in health."

The vet only looked angrier and angrier.

"Here y'go, Miss," one of the crew brought her a bowl of what they had cooked up for the cast meal that day.

She smiled at the extra piece of bread sitting along the side of it, "thank you."

Gilgamesh made no attempt to go get a serving for himself, sitting with her as she picked up a spoon and started poking at the meat stew. She took a small bite. "Not hungry?"

She shrugged again, poking around for smaller pieces of meat, or the beans they had used to fill out the body of the soup.

"Wait here," he put his hand on her knee before standing.

Thena watched him go, taking another sip of his water.

Kro kept quiet, despite the urge to demand what the hell all of that was. He knew that the vet had an obvious fondness for his wife. Plenty of men did--it was one of the many things that made him the man he was.

But this was more than a naive infatuation. More than a schoolboy crush on someone unattainable. Not only was his softness beyond want and desire, but it was not unrequited, which was the worst part.

Kro had never seen such an expression on Thena's face as when she was with that Gilgamesh.

Thena would light from within. Her eyes would become more green, her smile would lift, everything about her seemed to brighten. He knew what signs to look for. No matter what his relationship with her was, he undeniably knew his wife's behaviour. He wasn't a fool; he could see that whatever feelings the veterinarian had for her, she harboured them as well.

"Hey."

Kro remained as still as possible in his little spot in the tent's seam, where he could keep an eye on them.

Thena smiled as Gil came back with another bowl, he picked up hers and exchanged it with the one he brought back, making sure that she kept all three pieces of bread. "Gil-"

"You don't like meat."

That was ridiculous. When Kro had first found her, she was living on some remote, godforsaken little farm with her daft old father. She was used to living on animal meat.

And yet Thena looked...elated--and touched.

Gilgamesh started eating the bowl that had been brought to her. "But you need protein. I dug through it and got as much of the beans as I could. They'll keep you full. And eat the bread! You need the energy."

Kro scowled. He had no idea when eating meat had started bothering her. But he could bet it was because they had started using animals in the show. Blasted beasts were making her soft.

"Thank you."

Gilgamesh also laid his jacket over her bare, trembling legs as they ate. He scarfed down her bowl, with arguably less in it. He had given her his piece of bread, too.

Thena still ate slowly (it always infuriated Kro how long she took to eat a simple meal). But she ate more constantly, not breaking as she chewed the beans gently between each bite.

"I know you don't wanna say anything to him," Gilgamesh began. He was about to say something about Kro again. "But you're gonna get sick, Thena. Tell him you've sprained something, or I'll say that something's wrong with the equipment! But-"

"Gil," she said gently, her voice lulling him back into a sense of calm. She put her hand on his, "it won't do any good. I could fall off the tightrope and onto the ground before he would cancel a show willingly."

"I won't let that happen."

"I know," she smiled at him again. She had never smiled at Kro like that once in all their lives together. "Just don't let him catch you talking like this."

Don't let him see the way she loved him, she meant.

Gilgamesh put his hand over hers. "I'm starting to care less and less about what he catches me doing."

Those sounded like fighting words.

"Truly, Gil," she asserted, slipping her hand away and moving over on the bench, as if she had sensed Kro watching them. "Let me handle him."

"Handle what?"

Gilgamesh nearly jumped up from the bench in reflex, but Thena didn't move. As far as she was concerned, she had nothing to hide. She picked up her spoon again, "myself. I'll do the run through, but that's all I've got left for today."

Kro walked around the stands and over to her, shoving his cane against the chest of the defensive young veterinarian. He leaned closer to his wife's face. "You're done when I say we're done."

She glared right back at him, "I don't have anything left. Unless you want me to collapse during the show tomorrow."

She wouldn't be threatening it if it hadn't happened before. It was just once, and Angus - of all the beasts - had run to break her fall. But the crowd had been so scared that they had had to end the show early, even offer refunds.

Ever since then, if Thena said she was truly and deeply done, then she was done.

Kro leaned up and out of her face, although he looked at her no differently from how he looked at Angus or any of the other beasts. "Fine, one full dress rehearsal, then we break for the day. You better be ready for tomorrow."

"I always am."

Kro grabbed for his cane, only to find his hand holding onto it. That felt like a fighting gesture. "Problem?"

Gilgamesh let go of it, glaring at him without any trace of his usual nervous energy. "No, sir."

"Good," Kro snarled at him before turning to leave again. He really would leave this time. He could take his meal in their sleeper car (Thena never liked eating with him these days anyway).

By all means, the veterinarian could pine and yearn for his wife all he liked. She was still his, as far as Kro - and the sanctity of marriage - was concerned.

Whether she wanted him or not.

#Thenamesh Circus AU #whooooooo boy #the angst #it's pining hours #and not in the fun way #fun in a different way maybe #I wanted to touch on how things look from the other side #Kro thinks he knows his wife sooooooo well #and in many ways he does #but also doesn't #she does come from a farm #but ever since they started using animals in the shows she just thinks about how cruel a life they have #she relates to poor horses penned up all the time #and the maccaws they keep in cages #Kro tells her she's too skinny and needs to eat more #but because he gets mad at how slowly she eats he never waits to make sure she eats more #meanwhile Gil sits with her and talks with her #makes sure she has enough #one night he makes the meal for everyone #and Thena scarfs it down #even has a second helping #no one has ever seen her eat so fast #Gil is #😍

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