Tumgik
#lately ive been thinking about how like. selfish and ungrateful i am and how i never do anything to support my family and i dont know how
TW: Physical, verbal, and emotional abuse
I think I’m looking for reassurance.
I’m pretty sure I live in an abusive household but lately I’ve been doubting myself. My mother has been beating me and verbally abusing me since I was a kid. She’s told me horrible things about myself my entire life. Shes said that she doesn’t like me, she wouldn’t care if I died, I’m selfish, I’m difficult, I’m horrible to be around, no one wants to be around me, I’ll always be alone, stupid, lazy, etc. Ive been beaten for little things like dropping plates or getting Bs or Cs on tests. I was never allowed to express myself or I’d get told to shut up and that it doesn’t matter what I want, I just have to do what I’m told. I wasn’t allowed to get cry or get upset whenever she was mean because she’d just hit me harder or yell more. She’s also really manipulative and uses things/people that I care about to get me to do what she wants and gets really angry when I’m not doing what she wants. Like she’ll cry or yell or be more affectionate to my siblings and ignore me. Or she’ll threaten something bad happening to my siblings or try to make me feel bad.
I’m confused because she says that she does so much for me and she’s sacrificed so much but she kinda….doesn’t. I’ve been doing everything by myself since I was 12. I do all the laundry (washing, drying, folding), clean the entire house, take care of my siblings (food, homework, medicine, etc), and do everything else for myself. And I’m expected to keep my grades up and have extracurricular activities. But she always says that I shouldn’t be tired and that I’m never doing anything. She always gets angry when the house isn’t clean even though she doesn’t work for half the week. She doesn’t cook, my grandmother does. She drives me to and from school/extracurriculars though.
Now she says I’m allowed to express myself but anytime I do, she yells at me. Anytime I get upset at her she tells me that she’s sacrificed so much for me and that she does so much for me and that I’m ungrateful and selfish. I’m nervous that maybe I’m the crazy one because she and my family act like I’m the bad one. She says that I’m an ungrateful child and I just keep making her sad and hurting her feelings. I know I can be rude/mean sometimes and that I can be hard to deal with but this makes me very sad.
I just don’t know what to do because I’m seeing one thing and being told something else. On top of that, I’m completely alone. I literally have no one.
-Ari
Hi, Ari. You are not the bad one here, trust me. I am so sorry all of that is happening to you. Your mother is extremely abusive to you and it is not your fault.
Abusers often play the victim in order to manipulate us and stop us from criticizing them and their abuse. She is actively trying to brainwash you by making you feel like you are the problem and that you deserve the horrible things she does to you. It is all an act. I know its hard, but try not to let yourself fall for it.
You do way more than a child should, by what you said in your message. You take care of the house and your siblings on top of going to school and after school activities. That is way too much to put on a child, and the fact that your mother doesn't acknowledge that and instead tries to discredit you by saying you don't do anything is horrible.
You are a strong person and you deserve to be loved, protected and appreciated. You are not mean for telling her what you feel, you are not hard to deal with just because you try to express yourself. Do not let anyone devalue you like that.
I assure you that nothing that is happening to you is your fault at all and I wish you will be able to get out of that situation as fast as possible and that you will come to see how wonderful you really are. Stay strong.
- Mod Elly
7 notes · View notes
onsgiftexchange · 5 years
Text
A Kiss Full of Petals
Hiya, Thea (LavenRain96) is here with her present to her secret santa, Devin ( @devinthedragondraws )~! I hope you’ll like this! :D
To be honest, I never heard of this event until my own circle of friends mentioned it in Twitter and Discord. I initially didn’t want to join with how busy I am as of late, but I was like: “You know what? F*** it, let’s make someone happy.”. Thus, I joined. To my pleasant surprise, my secret santa likes reading angst with a happy ending, or something that makes their heart swoon. That, and they also like sweet confessions and something that the characters are recovering from. So with that in mind, I wrote a mini-fic about the Hanahaki Disease (ngl I want to write this AU for some time now, and I’m glad that I get to do so in this way) and I had so much fun writing this, even though I admit that it feels a bit rushed (I apologize ;;;;;).
But anyway, once again, this is for you, Devin. Please enjoy!
The smell of cleanliness was quite pungent to Mikaela’s nose, reminding him almost every day of where he was. The white walls, the fine sheets and the IV on his arm even contributed to this fact… and he hated it. It felt like he was hidden away from the world, quarantined in the hospital all for the sake of healing. However, with how serious his disease was getting, it was inevitable that he would end up in the very place he dreaded on staying.
That was just how the world works; the one where the sickness known as the Hanahaki Disease exist.
Mikaela shrugged it off as a bluff at first with how fictitious the said disease was, especially with its low pathogenicity. But given his current circumstances as of late, he couldn’t deny that the disease was, in fact, real, and that he was feeling it in the most painful way imaginable.
He couldn’t speak properly—even something as simple as breathing proved to be an excruciating task for him without him coughing badly in return. Such things tend to put a strain on his throat that ruined his vocal chords and left a burning sensation that would take hours to calm down.
The flower petals that he spit out, though beautiful, didn’t do anything to lift his mood since the very sight of them clearly meant that he was near death’s door in each passing day. The thought of dying alone with this disease was something Mikaela couldn’t dream of imagining.
It must have been lonely to die like this, was the first thing that came to mind before his thoughts drifted to his childhood friend and crush, Yuuichirou.
Unfortunately, his thoughts were immediately halted as he suddenly felt a sudden surge from his throat, prompting him to cough harshly against his hand. It lasted for a few seconds, but for Mikaela, it felt like an eternity until his lungs slowly pave way to the tranquility from before. The hand on his mouth was shaking but it held firm— it was a simple way to try and soothe the after effect of his coughs. However, the fear of looking at the outcome of yet another violent episode of his disease also sustained him from moving his hand away.
The thick wetness and the soft, satin-like texture on his skin was something that Mikaela was already used to. It was so common to the point that it was embedded into his everyday life, but a part of himself was still in disbelief, still in denial that this was happening to him. His stubborn side persistently refused to acknowledge this. It wouldn’t just go and accept the fact that his love for Yuuichirou was slowly killing him. To do so would admittedly mean that loving the very man who had been with him through thick and thin was a mistake. A large, fatal mistake.
Mikaela knew better than to regard Yuuichioru as such. He may be flawed in some parts of himself, but that wasn’t enough to make Mikaela love him any less. To Mikaela, Yuuichirou was his everything. He was his best friend, his family, his confidant, his partner-in-crime…
… But why was loving him so damn painful?
Mikaela knew the answer to that well. It was a hard pill to swallow in a consistent pace, but for Yuuichirou’s sake, he gladly took it with a smile, even at the cost of his own happiness and health.
As long as Yuu-chan is happy, it’s enough, Mikaela reminded himself as he finally lowered his hand to reveal a streak of blood, and a small handful of red and white flower petals. The bloodied sight brought a heart-wrenching smile on Mikaela’s face before he sighed softly and aimlessly dropped the petals on the floor.
He felt a little sorry for giving his nurse some extra work to handle, but as of now, he didn’t care anymore. His hope to continue living with his most cherished person was starting to dwindle.
~ 0 ~
“I will not tolerate this behavior, Mika.” Krul stated firmly with her arms crossed as she looked at Mikaela with a frown, “I finally found a compatible lung donor for you, and I won’t waste this opportunity just because you refuse to let go of your feelings for Yuuichirou.”
Mikaela looked away in defiance, his brows furrowed with equal anger.
Krul sighed while she softened up just a bit, “Listen, I know that you like him, but Mika… Is he really worth dying for? You have a future ahead of you and it will surely hurt Yuuichirou if you die now. Haven’t you thought of that?”
“ I don’t care, ” Mikaela wrote on his mini white board Krul provided him with as a form of communication. “ I will not allow my lungs to be replaced by somebody else’s. ”
“Don’t be so stubborn. You know well what will happen if you don’t get operated soon.” Krul exasperated before she stood up from her seat, still frowning due to Mikaela’s lack of cooperation. “I’ll set up the appointment right away. Whether you like it or not, you’re going to have that surgery. We’ve waited long enough.”
Mikaela opened his mouth to voice a protest, having forgotten for a moment that his vocal chords were on the verge of being destroyed if he add anymore strain on them. However, whatever he wanted to say died in his throat when a knock was heard on his room door, pausing his thoughts.
“Hey, Mika…!” Yuuichirou greeted cheerfully with a wide grin as he opened the door. His smile faltered slightly upon seeing that Mikaela wasn’t alone in the room, and that there was tension in the atmosphere. He clearly knew right then and there that he entered at such a bad time.
“… Oh, um, hello to you too, Krul-san.” He awkwardly addressed with a respectful bow towards Krul. “Did I interrupt on something? If so, I could just—”
“—It’s quite alright, Yuu-kun.” Krul acknowledged with a small wave of her hand. “In fact, I was just about to leave. I’ve already said what I want to Mika very clearly regarding his operation.”
“Operation?” Yuuichirou repeated in confusion before his face lit up. “No way! You’ve found a donor?!”
“Yes, Mika is going to get his surgery soon. He’ll be cured in no time..” Krul confirmed but her words only made Mikaela angry. How dare she just brush off his feelings for Yuuichirou as if it was nothing but a burden on her shoulders? If Yuuichirou wasn’t in the room, Mikaela would likely throw a tantrum and be forcefully restrained on the bed until he calmed down.
“That’s great news, Mika. I’m so happy for you.” Yuuichirou cheered with a smile on his face, completely oblivious towards Mikaela’s dilemma. “It must really suck to be coughing almost every day. I mean, when was the last time you talked properly? Oh, and I really miss your voice. So with the surgery on the way, everything will be back to where it was.”
Hearing that, Mikaela didn’t know if he should cry or be offended with what Yuuichirou just said. Either way, it was heartbreaking to know that those words were coming out from his friend’s mouth, and it seemed that sadness won over his emotions as Mikaela was blinking away the tears that were trying to fall from his eyes.
Mikaela’s bravado from before slowly disappeared, replacing itself with sorrow as he took Yuuichirou’s enthusiasm for his recovery as a sign of rejection. An innocent one, and yet it stabbed deep like a knife in his heart.
But, still… Mikaela smiled, masking his hurting.
“ You’re right, Yuu-chan. ” Mikaela wrote down in his white board. His once straight and confident handwriting was now dissolved into something soft and shaky. “ Once my surgery is done, I can go to school again and be with you guys. I must have brought you a lot of trouble. ”
“Nah, don’t be sorry, Mika.” Yuuichirou shook his head in consideration before he took a seat on Mikaela’s bed, “As long as you’re well again after all these days, this is nothing. The Shinoa squad will continue to wait and support you until the very end.”
Mikaela couldn’t help but feel a tinge at that sentence. It wasn’t that he was ungrateful for his friends to worry about his health, but truth be told, the squad had nothing to do with his illness at all and Mikaela wished Yuuichirou would put them aside even for just a little bit. He knew that it was selfish to even think about that, but Yuuichirou had been his friend ever since they were kids. So, shouldn’t he have more priority over them?
No, don’t think that. This is enough. This is enough…
Mikaela encouraged himself that the attention he was receiving was already sufficient. There was no room to be greedy in a situation like this, especially when he was on the verge of dying. Any kind of attention, though brief and pitiful, was more than plenty. He could make do with that.
“Well then, I shall take my leave now that I have Mika’s consent on the operation. Take care of him in my stead, Yuu-kun.” Krul requested with care. Whether she was aware of how Yuuichirou’s words affected Mikaela or not, she didn’t show it and kept her expression unreadable.
“Sure thing, Krul-san.” Yuuichirou agreed with a nod before turning his attention back to Mikaela once Krul left. “Man, it’s been a long while since we’re alone like this, don’t you think?”
Mikaela smiled in nostalgia as he wrote down, “ I agree… ”
Yuuichirou chuckled in reply before he settled in a comfortable silence with Mikaela, staring down on his friend’s white board and his handwriting. Without a word, Yuuichirou reached a hand out and placed it a top of Mikaela’s, prompting the latter to look at him with a raised brow.
“Sorry for being sudden, but… I’m just happy.” Yuuichirou explained himself softly. His face showed nothing but a serene smile. “I wasn’t lying when I said I missed your voice. I may find it annoying sometimes with how you keep on nagging me to do stuff, but your voice is… I find it nice.”
… Huh?
Mikaela’s eyes rounded in surprise at Yuuichirou’s sudden confession. He liked his voice? Mikaela didn’t really see anything special with his voice. That was just how it was—ordinary and plain. For Yuuichirou to admit that he found his voice pleasant made Mikaela’s heart thump just a bit. It didn’t even help that there was an obvious blush on Yuuichirou’s cheeks after his confession.
“W-Well, you sing really good, so it’ll be a waste if you just let it wither away with this disease of yours. The kids in the orphanage will be sad.” Yuuichirou added on, but it only served to further heighten his embarrassment.
“ How about you, Yuu-chan? Will you be sad? ” Mikaela couldn’t help but write the question down out of curiosity.
“O-Of course, I’ll be sad. Don’t make me repeat myself, Mika. Geez…” Yuuichirou nearly shrieked with a frown and his face bloomed red like a tomato.
Mikaela chuckled at Yuuichirou’s reaction. The look on his face reminded him back in the days where Mikaela would often tease Yuuichirou just for the sake of getting on his nerves. Now that they were older, that teasing became one of his forms of endearment for Yuuichirou, and Mikaela would wonder from time to time if Yuuichirou even took notice of it.
“Anyway…” Yuuichirou’s voice cut through Mikaela’s thoughts. “Even though I’m happy that you’ll get a surgery and recover soon… I feel sorry for his person you have unrequited feelings with. I mean, you’re smart and handsome. Anyone would practically beg on their knees to date you, you know… That person must be lucky to have caught your eye.”
And that person happens to be you., was what Mikaela wanted to say but he held back out of fear that Yuuichirou might react badly at having another man like him that way. From what Mikaela understood as of late, Yuuichirou and Shinoa have a… thing for each other. The hints were subtle, but Mikaela could tell that Shinoa had a major crush on Yuuichirou. Yuuichirou, on the other hand, still kept treating her normally to the point that it was impossible to know if he liked her back or not.
But even if that was the case, that didn’t change the fact that Mikaela still chose to hide his feelings because he valued his friendship with Yuuichirou so much. He would rather risk his health than his relationship. But with how he was going to be removing his disease surgically, shouldn’t he make the most out of now? Mikaela could always tell Yuuichirou that he was joking in the end since Yuuichirou identified Mikaela to be a trickster at certain points in their lives.
It was a low move, but Mikaela was becoming desperate. He wanted to at least kiss Yuuichirou before his feelings for him were gone—forcefully and painfully taken away from him during surgery. He may not remember the kiss after the operation, but he at least told Yuuichirou how he felt albeit masked within a joke.
With an intake of breath, Mikaela then wrote down on his white board what he wanted to say, “ Hey, Yuu-chan. Before my operation, can I tell you something? ”
Yuuichirou read Mikaela’s message before he nodded, “Of course. What is it, Mika?”
Without writing anything back, Mikaela leaned close to Yuuichirou and planted a kiss on his cheek. His warm lips met soft skin briefly before he pulled back with one of his usual, teasing smiles—ready for Yuuichirou’s outburst.
However, Yuuichirou’s reaction was anything but what Mikaela expected. Yuuichirou was looking at him in surprise before it changed into a small frown. Mikaela blinked and waved his hands a bit to clearly tell that the kiss was nothing but a joke, but Yuuichirou clearly wasn’t buying it.
“… Shut up.”, were the words that left Yuuichirou’s mouth before he reached and grabbed Mikaela’s hospital gown before he leaned close and landed a kiss on Mikaela’s mouth, bruising it with how rough he was.
Mikaela jumped in shock and pushed Yuuichirou away for a bit to put some distance in between them. When they pulled apart, Mikaela noticed a flower petal hanging loosely on Yuuichirou’s lips—a blue rose petal that held the same shade as his own eyes. The sight of it rendered Mikaela speechless, and his silence only spurred a blush to grace Yuuichirou’s cheeks once again.
“Yeah, I have it too… because I thought you love someone else,” Yuuichirou confessed as he took the slightly wet flower petal on his lips. “It’s not as bad as yours, but… yeah…”
Yuuichirou looked away shyly, unable to say anything next now that he just outrightly admitted to like Mikaela that way. Fortunately for Yuuichirou, no words were needed to be said as Mikaela gently cupped his face and kissed him again. Unlike when Yuuichirou did it roughly and in a blinding rush, this one was full of passion and love—silently telling emotions that were kept hidden away for so long.
The taste of flowers in his mouth was unavoidable, and yet despite that, Mikaela felt so light that he could feel himself breathing freely.
“… Yuu-chan,” Mikaela rasped in a crooked voice, which surprised Yuuichirou.
“Mika, your voice… It’s back.”
“Oh…” Mikaela blinked in amazement upon realizing that his voice was back, even though it sounded a bit different now after all the pressure that disease gave it. Nevertheless, his eyes stained in unshed tears of joy. “My voice… Yuu-chan, it’s—”
Before Mikaela could say any more words, Yuuichirou claimed his lips again in a soulsearing kiss, effectively silencing him as words couldn’t express the happiness the other was feeling. Mikaela merely just closed his eyes in silent acceptance before he wrapped his arms around Yuuichirou and returned the kiss in full, allowing them to enjoy their intimate time together as they healed each other through a kiss that was full of petals.
35 notes · View notes
artificialqueens · 6 years
Text
Distance Makes the Heart Grow Colder (Shalaska) - Wednesday Angeline
A/N: Hey, Wednesday here! It’s been eons! I’ve been drenched in misery so I’m trying to produce a few more angsty things but for now I hope you enjoy this. Would love feedback here or over on my blog ( @wednesdayangeline ), and any comments you may have x
Summary: Sharon quits her job. Alaska, her girlfriend, tries to hold things together. Angst one-shot. Tw for depression.
I. Do You Love Me Too
“Sharon? Babe, I’m home!”
“Sharon?”
The door slams behind her. Alaska curses under her breath as her hip bumps into a chair in her eagerness to find her girlfriend.
She must be having a bad day.
There’s been a lot of those lately.
She walks in the bedroom to find Sharon still in the t-shirt and shorts she wore to sleep last night, half asleep. Alaska tries to keep the frown out of her expression. “Hey. Been sleeping in all day?”
Sharon shrugs, blearily rubbing at her eyes. “Not really. I had lunch.” She combs limp blonde hair out of her face, glancing for the first time at Alaska.
“That’s good,” Alaska replies, letting her hair down from its ponytail. “How was today?”
Sharon shrugs again, eyes staring vacantly at her girlfriend. “You tell me.” She turns to the other side of the bed, her hair covering her face again.
Alaska sighs. Sharon hasn’t showered in…was it four, five days now? I guess I gotta get used to this. She gently leans over and combs her girlfriend’s hair with her fingers, trying to untangle the greasy strands. “Aren’t you going to ask me how my day went?” she prods.
Sharon doesn’t bother looking at her. “How did your day go?” she asks, a hint of irritation in her tone.
“Two of your students recognized me today at the café, they said they’re from your junior class. A girl called Farrah and a guy, I think his name was Daniel?” Alaska wrinkles her brow as she tries to remember.
“Danny,” Sharon corrects. She resigned from working at Riverpine High as an English teacher two months ago after having a mental breakdown in front of that very same junior class. It wasn’t her first one either – she’s been spotted by students and colleagues with puffy cheeks and red eyes after crying in the staff washroom, but that was the last straw. The principal strongly encouraged her to resign voluntarily, and that she did.
“Yeah, Danny. They asked if I was Miss Needles’ girlfriend, and I said yeah,” Alaska continues, grinning as she recounts the situation.
Sharon groans internally. Farrah was the most attentive in her class, and Danny the most passionate. Fuck, now I feel like shit for resigning mid-year. Are they here to hunt me down?
“Farrah said to let you know that the whole class misses you and hopes you’re okay, she said she’s texted you but maybe it didn’t send through. Oh, and Danny says he’s sorry if you left because he winded you up too much. I told him I’m sure he didn’t.” Alaska pauses. “It wasn’t him, right?” She herself wasn’t really quite sure why Sharon quit, since the other woman constantly avoided the topic when she tried bringing it up.
Sharon shakes her head. “Not at all. He’s a good kid. Tell them thanks if you see them.” God, I wish I could apologize to them myself. They’re such sweet kids, they don’t deserve a selfish, irresponsible teacher like me.
Alaska hesitates- wanting to ask more, but also knowing that she won’t be able to force an answer out of her hard-headed girlfriend. “Uh, well- did you get the girl’s texts? Maybe you can let them know that you’re, uh…fine.”
Is she?
Sharon nods. “Go shower, you’ve had a long day.”
“I love you.”
“…okay.”
II. Hello, How Are You
Sharon checks her messages a week after Farrah and Danny talked to Alaska, tired of seeing the accumulating notifications.
From: Farrah Moan
Hello Miss Needles!Sorry if I’m bothering you, hope you’re doing well, our class misses you very much. Miss Malanaphy is teaching us now but she’s just not the same! :(
From: Naomi Smalls
Hey Miss N, sending best wishes to you, get well soon!!!!!
From: Max Malanaphy
Hello Sharon, this is Max Malanaphy. I’m writing to let you know that I will be taking over your junior and senior classes, please let me know if there is anything I should be concerned about. Alyssa will be teaching your sophomores.
From: Laila Mcqueen
Hi Miss Needles, take care and get tons of rest. Miss Edwards says you’re sick or something. Everything here’s cool we’re working hard I promise
Sharon switches her phone off. Why did I think that would make me feel better?
She used to be so passionate about teaching, about passing on knowledge to the younger generation. Ever since she left, any reminder of the school just leaves her more depressed.
I’ve failed them, their futures dependent on these grades and I abandoned them right before the final stretch. What kind of teacher am I? Does teaching mean anything to me? Because if it did, then I would’ve been able to control myself, right?
Great, Sharon Needles, so you’ve always been this selfish and self-centered, you just haven’t realized it until now. So, teaching is just a job for you, there isn’t any passion or care. It’s all fake, all for reputation and promotions isn’t it?
It’s been a thought that’s circled her mind all too much lately. It is quite odd, having taught at the same school for five years and devoting so much of her time to helping these kids get the best education they can have in today’s crumbling society, and only questioning this after she’s left the school. Sharon knows it’s just her mind making things up, but the stupid hypothetical thoughts keep knocking at her.
I have wasted so much of my life. And at the end of it, I’m twenty-nine, depressed, and unemployed. I spend each day trying to lure myself into dreamless sleep to avoid facing the messes I’ve created, and the remainder of the time crying into my pillow. What the fuck.
Sharon wishes she didn’t have the meltdown in front of her class. Then everything would’ve been fine. But she couldn’t control it, because she was stupid and emotional and not the calm, smart role model she should’ve been for her students. And she didn’t even hate her job the least bit- she loved it- when I had my job, that is. But that doesn’t ease the constant stress that drove her to tears again and again.
She glances at Alaska, sleeping soundly on the other side of the bed, and her heart floods with guilt.
No, I’m an ungrateful little shit. I have a loving girlfriend who’s given me more than enough space and is still handling my moods better than I am, given that half our income is fucking gone and I’m moping around all day like a teenager. I should do something…but I don’t have the motivation and any energy I have is spent on imagining horrible hypothetical situations about the future.
Story of my life.
Sharon knows she has to pull herself together someday, that she can’t go on too long like this when she’s already pushing her luck. They can’t rely on what Alaska earns from the café and she’s not even sure how long she’ll last with Alaska if she continues acting like this.
I have too much time to think, and not enough energy to do much else.
III. Forget-Me-Not
Alaska wipes away a tear as she closed the bathroom door. She misses Sharon. She misses talking to her girlfriend who would crack up over the stupidest puns, who would always beg to dress her up in gothy scarves and tell her stories about silly things that happened in class.
I miss when she cared, when we felt like a functioning relationship.
“Okay, enough, I’m fucking sick and tired of your bullshit. First you expect me to supply enough income for both of us- fine. Then you ignore me and shut me out, you pretend that I’m not here when I greet you, you won’t let me care for you! I want to care, Sharon Needles, I really do. Even though I know you don’t care about yourself or about me.” Alaska can still hear her own words echoing, the very same sentences she hurled at Sharon just a few minutes ago. She shudders as her girlfriend’s expression appeared in her mind – a mixture of shock, hurt and anger.
What reason did she have to be angry? Everything I fucking said was right.
I wish she gave more of a shit about me. Is that selfish, is that so much to ask for? She’s not the only one with issues, and troubling thoughts, and obstacles. I just want it to be my turn to be taken care of.
IV. Home Visit
From: Jinkx Monsoon
See you in 5 minutes!
This is the first person I’ve seen besides Alaska after I quit.
But how could Sharon have said no when Jinkx, her best friend and fellow colleague, insisted? For old times’ sake, she had said. She felt too awkward to say otherwise. Always the pushover, you really are.
Sharon, for the first time in three weeks, showered. She feels surprisingly refreshed, but already slightly drained, not having moved much recently, let alone stood up for a period of time. She moves her head around, trying to shake off the grogginess that still plagues her.
Looking in the mirror, she tries to make herself presentable, tying her hair in a ponytail and changing into a button-up shirt and skirt – not that Jinkx wouldn’t outdo her, the other teacher having a more dramatic wardrobe taste.
The doorbell rings, and Sharon’s heartbeat speeds up as she heads to the front door.
What if I’m not ready?
Here goes nothing.
“Sharon!” Jinkx greets her with a grin, which briefly drops in dismay as she takes in the other woman’s changed appearance. Recomposing herself, she pulls Sharon in for a hug. “We’ve all missed you at school!”
“Hey, Jinkxy. I’ve missed you too,” Sharon replies. “Have a seat at the sofa, I’ll go make some coffee and we can catch up.”
Jinkx looks out the window as she thinks. What’s happened to Sharon? The Sharon she knew had brighter eyes, rounder cheeks, and more energy than a seven-year-old. She’s comforted Sharon once or twice during breakdowns, but Sharon always regained composure quickly, bouncing back to her goofy enthusiastic self.
Sharon sat down on the other end of the sofa as she set two cups of coffee down. “How is everyone?”
Jinkx shrugs. “The usual. A few kids asked about you, most of us just tell them that you needed a break. Max and Alyssa both manage okay with your classes I think.” She sips the coffee. “How are you, Sharon? You look…different.”
“I look like shit, you mean,” Sharon says, laughing bitterly. “It’s okay, you can say that, I don’t mind.”
Jinkx nods. “How have things been?” she repeats.
“There’s not much to talk about. I sleep a lot…and I’m tired and sad all the time. I guess it shows.” Sharon plays with her fingers, avoiding eye contact with Jinkx. “And I’ve kind of ignored everything else.”
She’s going to leave now. She’s going to stop being my friend because I’m weird and an irresponsible adult. She’s going to tell me how much I fucked up.
Jinkx lets the silence hang in the air for a while, struggling to come up with a reply. “I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time, sweet pea. Would talking about it help, or do you feel uncomfortable? We can change the subject, we’re meant to be having a nice chat after all.”
Sharon takes a deep breath. “I guess I can talk about it. I’ve just been feeling really down. Like I’m not doing anything useful and sometimes I’m just sad and my head pounds a lot, but I have no idea why, because my life went so well and I didn’t even have any issues with my family and I just feel like a really sad ungrateful twat all the time.” She buries her face in her hands.
Jinkx shuffles over and pats Sharon’s back.  “I don’t know how you feel, but I can try and sympathize. It’s okay to be sad sweetheart, no matter how your life is or your background, sometimes emotions just fuck with us when we least expect it. You’ll always have your friends and Alaska there for you,” she comforts.
Sharon’s red-rimmed eyes looks at Jinkx’s. “Alaska won’t be there for me. She’s tired of me, and I don’t blame her- she told me she doesn’t care anymore if I was mad at her or not,” Sharon choked back tears. “But I care. I’m not mad at her. But it’s okay if she’s mad at me. Because she should be, I’ve been such a burden to her.”
“Oh, Sharon,” Jinkx murmurs. “You know- if she isn’t helping, a change of environment might help?”
Sharon shook her head. “I don’t have anywhere to go.”
“You’re welcome to stay at mine. The thing is, Sharon, if Alaska isn’t being supportive of your situation, then maybe you should- I’m not suggesting that it’s permanent, but maybe a break would help? For both of you to clear your minds.”
V. Ladies Who Lunch
“I just want her to care,” Alaska whines, “I miss when she did.”
Katya pats Alaska’s shoulder, shooting her a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“I am, too. I hate complaining about her because I really do love her, but it’s just…wearing me out, you know? Like, she just doesn’t give a shit and lies there, and I’m not even asking her to find a job or anything, just to live like an adult with basic fucking hygiene. She barely ever showers unless there’s guests, Kat.” Alaska exhales loudly, leaning back in her chair.
Katya winces. “It has to suck living with her, Lasky. I get that it’s tiring for you.”
“Yeah.”
“But maybe Sharon herself isn’t in the right place right now? Maybe she does need someone responsible to care for her- I don’t know, Lask. I’ve met Sharon and she wasn’t like this, like what you describe her to be, and she seems to be needing help.” Katya drums her fingers on the table, observing Alaska’s reaction. She thinks of Sharon, the few times she’s seen her, Alaska’s girlfriend was always sweet, quite loud, and shared perfect chemistry with Alaska. Not this stranger Alaska speaks of.
Alaska resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “So you are telling me that I should put up with this then? God, I should have kn–”
“No, let me finish. I’m just saying that it would be good for her to have some help. It doesn’t have to be with you, this is not affecting you in a good way either, but maybe having her stay with someone else, a friend or relative maybe, would alleviate your stress and also help her with whatever she’s struggling with. When you face a problem, Alaska, you have to find a solution, not complain about it and wait for it to solve itself.”
Alaska nods. “Thanks, Katya. You always know what to do.”
That night, Alaska mulls over the possibility of a break-up. Maybe it is for the best.
VI. I Lost All Hope Today
“Sharon!”
Sharon rubs her eyes, woken by the racket at the door. What the fuck?
“Shaaaaaaaaron! Come on! Open the fucking dooooor!” Alaska’s unmistakable drawl, slurred, could wake the neighbors. Sharon sighs and drags herself to the door.
“What the fuck Alaska,” she mumbles weakly. Alaska stumbles in, makeup runny and a bottle in hand, wrapping an arm around Sharon.
Alaska slams the bottle onto their coffee table. “I think I’m gonna puke…”
Sharon follows Alaska down the corridor to the toilet, helping her keep her hair up as Alaska vomits into the toilet bowl, now completely awake from the turn of events. She can’t help but feel irritated- that Alaska was so irresponsible to get drunk when it was a work day tomorrow. Expecting Sharon to clean up after her, when they were in the middle of a fight that Alaska picked.
Sharon pours a glass of water for Alaska as she cleans up the last of the vomit. “Gargle it, don’t swallow,” she instructs.
Alaska did so, and then begins to ramble again. “You know, I really miss when you would be this caring, I don’t know what the fuck’s gotten into you the last few months but I wish you would be my Sharon again…”
Sharon sighs. “You’re drunk, get to bed.” She guides Alaska, her arm still wrapped around the other woman’s torso as she leads them back to the bedroom.
Sharon turns herself so that her back is to Alaska, who was still mumbling about “the old days where everything was happy”. She knew relationships were never perfect, that each had their good and bad days- but surely they’ve used up their bad day quota already. Surely, this isn’t how it’s always going to be?
Maybe it is truly over between them. With Sharon’s own problems, she doesn’t have time to mind the ones between her and Alaska.
VII. White Noise
Fuck. I was really fucked up last night.
Alaska didn’t remember anything after her fourth drink at the bar. She knows she wasn’t drugged, it was just too much alcohol for her system. She woke up groggy, but with clean clothes, in her bed.
Sharon. Fuck. What happened?
She tries her best to remember. She wants to guess that Sharon had helped her when she came home, but she can’t imagine it. She just can’t. Sharon doesn’t care enough to do that, does she?
Alaska ponders the question throughout the day at work, being scolded gently by Shea, her manager, for “constantly daydreaming on the job”. She doesn’t even notice when Danny said hi to her, as he did now every time he saw her at the café, asking her how Sharon is doing.
How is Sharon doing?
“I- I’m not quite sure,” Alaska tells the teenager apologetically. “But I’ll tell her you said hi.” But I never do, because she won’t care anyway, because I don’t want to know if she might care about this random student more than she cares about me, so I won’t risk it.
Danny nods, shrugging it off. “You don’t look so good yourself, Miss. Take good care of yourselves.”
“Yeah.” Alaska thinks she might burst into tears. This relationship stuck in limbo is driving her nuts. I might just tell her we need a break. Nothing permanent, just a break, I need to clear my head. Alcohol won’t help.
She comes home to find a letter.
VIII. Talk to You Later
Hi Lasky,
I’m writing this down as my thoughts come along, please forgive me if it isn’t the most concise.
This relationship isn’t working anymore. I understand that it is, on the most part, because of me. I’ve been in a very bad place the past months and I wasn’t trusting enough to tell you about it, and I was too depressed to have any energy to just…do anything. And I’m sorry, because I didn’t try harder- or at all. I know.
And there isn’t any big story behind why I became like this. It’s just a lot of things going on in my mind that overwhelm me you know? Thinking about whether there’s any meaning to existence and all that. Because we all die in the end anyway. But I guess I should snap out of it sometime.
I really do want to care. I’m sorry. I’m too tired to, and I was a bad girlfriend.
I’ll be off staying with Jinkx for a bit, and maybe pick up a job somewhere near hers. I’ll come back and clear my junk up, I’ll make sure there aren’t any awkward meetings, okay? I’m sorry this is so abrupt, but please, take care of yourself, and know that this is the best for both of us.
Maybe we can be friends again one day. I don’t know.
Talk to you later,
Sharon N.
27 notes · View notes
strawberry-siren · 7 years
Text
just a vent dont talk 2 me abt this
anyways i feel terrible like idk why im alive everything is always bad??? like when people talk to me i just want to be like LEAVE ME ALONE I’M TOXIC TO BE AROUND. im so so so bad. im so tired of catapulting between feeling like the best person in the world and literally the scum of the earth. 
also like every time i have seminary im just like i dont even know how to feel. because i always think of  my sister and she’s like the only way to be happy is to accept god blah blah blah and it’s like Weird. Idk everytime I fight with my family they’re like it’s easier to just believe in god! didnt you believe in it once? and im like No
and i guess im kind of lying because I did believe! I believed in this toxic church with my ENTIRE being. and i wasnt happy! I probably felt worse than I do now! it’s like when I believed I felt so much pressure like I HAVE to be perfect. which like. duh. that’s how all religions are but I was bad and my parents would always just tell me how horrible I was and honestly when my parents were getting divorced I kind of realized the sham. Not even the Weird, competitive culture within the church and the weird Fixation on marriage and procreating (tfw you hear more about sex at church than high school!), but like even the authority figures! My mom literally could get into their temple being a literal WHORE! Like our entire family was like “Hey Bishop this woman is literally a manipulative LIAR.” and like. idk just all the authority figures I met were so Selfish. like and ive heard like the whole it’s the problem of MAN not GOD, but honestly? i dont think I believe in God either. Really what I believed in was the DREAM. I wanted to escape my parents! I wanted to get married to a guy who would provide for me and I’d just raise his children and I’d never have to talk to my family again. Like every time I think about God like I dont feel a peaceful feeling like everyone talks about. I feel anxious and depressed and fearful! and i dont think that’s what it should be! I’ve never really felt the “spirit” like. I want to know that feeling? and i dont think i’ve ever felt “love”like that “love of god”? and maybe its because i never got that from my parents. like a parental love. and maybe i’m just broken and selfish but. I cant accept it. like i guess i’ve fallen too far. 
I denied my sexuality a really long time for that dream. Almost an entire 2 years of literally being repulsed by men touching me and trying to kiss me, ect. I forced myself to try to love men in that way. I really only love with a pure heart though. I can only love as a friend?
I used to want to believe. I wanted to believe with my ENTIRE soul. I just wanted to feel what everyone else was. But, I dont want that anymore. I’ve committed some of the sins that I once thought would be the worst things in the world. And it didnt feel wrong. I didnt feel the guilt that I do when I do something that is actually bad and that I know is bad. When I kissed a girl, I didn’t feel guilty. I felt SO happy. It felt right. I mean, honestly after the weird mess i’ve made with relationships I kind of realize I’ll probably never be in one? because i cant. i have too many issues and like. i realize I cant TELL people them or it ruins everything? like friendships and like. idk everything. but. 
lately i’ve just been asking myself: WHY AM I ALIVE?
and yeah. it is easier to believe in god. but the fact that i dont? like theres no real answer.
i have no idea why i’m alive besides the fact that i’m living for other people. I dont want to be alive. I really dont. I dont want to know anyone. i dont want anyone to care about me. I dont want to be sentient. i dont want to exist! and if god is real? i wish there was a way for me to die a spirtual death, not where i get cast into some sort of outer darkness, but where I am Truly Nothing. I feel nothing, i see nothing, I am nothing. 
like i realize this all sounds so stupid and emo, but truly. I guess i’m ungrateful and all that, but really. i  do not want to be alive. i’m sorry but I’m really only here for the fact that my suicide attempt at 16 failed and way too many people are CLOSE to me. 
thats kind of why i cant wait for college because i just want everyone to drift away so i dont have to be here anymore. 
3 notes · View notes
Text
i have so many thoughts!!!! i just need to vent ok ignore this!!!
i think im a rlly toxic person and i have the urge to cut contact w everyone that i talk to hmsldfjsdflkds i have no redeeming qualities whatsoever i’m a genuinely negative, pessimistic, selfish person and i just drag everybody down. i’ve lost 4 people who i considered best friends bc of the way i acted and treated them theres no excuse for that im so done trying to blame it on them nonono it was all me bc all i do!! is ruin everything!!!! i want everybody to forget about me omfg im 1000000000% positive everyone’s lives would just b so much better without me i dont positively impact anybody’s life. i feel so fucking sorry for the things i’ve done to my mom she doesn’t deserve to have a daughter like me. i know she wishes i was prettier and more outgoing and popular shes wanted that daughter since before i was born and all ive done is let her down and b the opposite of what she wants. ill never ever make my family proud all i do is drain them. the few friends i have would b so much fuckng better off without me. so many ppl have told my best friend not to be friends w me bc everybody knows im toxic and not good for her but she stays and i dont know y. i was rlly upset when she decided for that month to not b friends with me but i also knew that eventually she would realize how much better off she is without me. i just want all of my friends to cut ties with me omfg when the fuck will they realize that im bringing them down!?!?!? i dont deserve to b alive i rlly rlly dont. my life isnt bad at all honestly anybody else would feel so happy and grateful to live in my position and yet all i do is sit here and complain and its bc im selfish and ungrateful and a brat and dfsdfsdflskdjflsd i just hate myself so fucking much and not in the ‘omg im so ugly!!’ but in an ‘omg im a fundamentally terrible person and i want to change every single aspect of myself’. everything about me, physically n mentally, is disgusting omfg i have no good qualities?!!??!  like??????????????? everybody is supposed to have like that 1 thing that just makes them stand out and its the reason people like them but i genuinely dont have that omfg. i hate myself i hate myself so fucking much i wantt o die i rlly rlly do!! im not scared of dying im just rlly scared of what comes after. i go through phases where i either feel everything like rn and i just feel like one big ball of anxiety or i feel nothing and im just numb all the time and i hate my numb phases bc they scare me and i think thats what death is like, just nothingness and numbnes and i hate it i hate itsdfsdf i dont know what to do i feel like its the right thing to do to just??? die? like i rlly dont have anything to live for i guarantee i am not going to impact the world or even one person’s life like im completely irrelevant im not smart or talented or anything i have nothing to offer. rn im just a drain on everyone’s resources and i genuinely feel like it would b the right thing for me to do to just die and not exist anymore. i wish i had never existed!! i rlly do i rlly rlly rlly do i just want to go sleep one day and never wake up just keep sleeping and not having to exist and communicate and be around ppl and bring everyone down. my anxiety has been so fucking bad lately everything sets me off and everything makes me nervous and i cant sit still and my heart never stops racing i just want it to stopppppp!!! nothing good ever lasts!!! if i ever look forward to anything even the tiniest stupid thing, something will go wrong and ill end up disappointed and now im realizing that its pointless to ever b excited about anything bc itll just end up being messed up. i feel like i have ruined my entire life i would give anything to go back in time and just start my entire life over again. ive missed so many opportunities and i justds fsdfsdfsdfs im crying and i cant stop im so so so tired of crying every night i just want this to stop holy shit i acnt keep doing it i rlly cant!!! i wish i was happy and pretty and skinny and nice and one of those people who just radiated positivity and u want to be around them and i want to make the ppl around me happy and i dont want to keep just fucking dragging them down god holy shit just kill me
1 note · View note