#lately ive been thinking a lot about getting drunk to numb my feelings or whatever

[seriouslyblacklikemysoul]

An Ephemeral Eternity in Seven Parts - Steve Rogers x Reader.

MASTERLIST

Word Count~ 3k. Warnings: Gifs aren’t mine. My English. There is a triggering part and for that I am sorry. If you need to talk about all those very heavy thoughts, I am here and so are many people. Don’t try to end your life. It has meaning, even if you can’t see it right now. I promise you.  Also, you might know it by now... some Bucky x reader too.  Part I Part II Part III

PART IV 

 Standing her ground, going against Tony and betraying him as he had informed her in a text were already enough to destroy whatever was left of their father-daughter relationship. Fighting against him though...that would be the cherry on top. She was hoping for something civilized but instead she was about to get a civil war. Sleep had been avoiding her lately along with Steve and Bucky. In fact, Sam was the only one who actually talked to her for more than five seconds. She understood the reasons behind that but it felt like a lousy attempt and got under her skin. They hadn't had the chance to talk since that kiss but she knew that it wasn't the fact that things had happened so damn fast - he was dreading it. He had never believed he would feel like he did with Peggy and he was mistaken. He was aware that it was a bit more really than the 40s and a lot harder too. He was thankful for all her help but had insisted that she wasn't part of whatever would go down between him and her father. She never listened to anyone but her own mind. With the third glass of red wine in her hand, she waltzed around the small rented loft. Sam was out, being their food supplier, Bucky was trying to get some sleep and Steve was in the shower. She sat down in the small couch by the window - at least, the view was to kill for. Her mind was blurry and for that she was thankful, not being able to think for an hour was everything she was looking for in the bottom of that glass. When she heard the floor squeaking, she already knew who it was causing the chilling sound but she turned to look at him anyway. She gazed at him as if he was art - beautiful, moving in many ways she had previously though impossible, flawed in a tragically elegant way. She had always known he was going to break her heart but she dived. Sensing him holding back, she smiled and pointed out the bottle of wine. He got himself a glass and filled it with the rich, red wine and was even kind enough to refill hers. As he sat down next to her, his perfume was intoxicating her - and it wasn't even the perfume... it was how familiar and intimate he smelled that made her wish they had more time. "Are you going to be okay?" he asked her in a hushed tone as he sipped his drink in big gulps. She exhaled loudly and pressed her lips into a thin line. "I don't know Steve. My head is going to be in the mission, if that's what you're asking" she told him, pretending it didn't hurt her. He winced and tried to drink his thoughts away but it didn't work. He knew her, for better or worse and she wasn't being honest. He put down his glass, took hers and placed it right beside his own and turned to face her. He took her hands in his, gently rubbing circles with his thumb to her palm. "You don't have to fight against your father. I put you in that position and I'm sorry -" "You didn't ask me to sign the Accords, you didn't ask me to blindly follow your decision. I chose this. I know I don't have to. But I will" she cut him off, not leaving him any chance to smooth her agony. He felt useless. Maybe it wasn't all his fault but he certainly made it worse. And her position was so difficult - he admired her for he wouldn't have been able to go against his father to fight for what he believed in. Back then, at least. He wanted to hug her and tell her that everything was going to be okay eventually, but he would lie and she would see through him. So, he decided to be honest with her. Maybe they wouldn't even get a second chance. "I have never been completely honest with you and you deserve much more than that. There is something I wanted to tell you since...well I don't even remember anymore. I have never been good with ladies and I don't think that has changed. In fact, it might just-" he had been cut off again. He usually didn't like it but he was willing to make an exception if it was her cutting him off like that. She had pulled him closer and kissed him. It was as simple as that. She craved his soft lips caressing hers, his hands wrapping her in his embrace, her hands running through his golden locks. This time it was different. He gradually deepened the kiss, his hands holding her in his hug, wanting to be with her. She knew exactly what she wanted and where that went - if they weren't meant to have forever it was going to be okay with her. She flickered her tongue, tracing his upper lip and biting his lower as her hands explored his back. He broke the kiss to look at her, to see her eyes looking his but instead of him talking, it was her making his decision so much clearer. "I've had sex but I don't know what making love feels like" she whispered so inaudible low. Even though they had never talked about their... status - he was scared to even admit his feelings - it felt right. He hugged her even more tightly and lifted her up, kissing her all the more passionately. All the pieces were falling into place - nothing was perfect outside the bedroom they now were but at least she was with him and he was with her. He softly laid her on the bed, never once leaving her escape his embrace. He was treating her like porcelain even though he knew she was steel; she was too precious for him to treat her any differently. And for the first time, she was okay to be vulnerable in front of someone else. She was glad someone was finally accepting her flaws. He never made her doubt herself.

He worshiped her.

And for a night the world stood still.

 The next morning, she woke up later than she would normally would. She did have an excellent reason. She opened her eyes, expecting to be blinded by the sun but instead she was pleasantly surprised by a dark and raining sky. She always loved those days a bit more - there was no need to hide when the day was as dark as the night. What she hadn't been expecting was an obnoxiously huge cup of coffee next to her along with an entire buffet - to her amazement -  and Steve only in his sweatpants looking out the window but sneaking peeks of her image. He smiled at her and sat down at the bed, next to her, kissing her forehead and then her lips, his eyes soft and innocently sweet. She didn't know they had time for that kind of special treatment. "Hi" she said with a raspy voice but he thought of it as sexy. Her hair was disheveled and his eyes traveled to her peaceful face. "Good morning to you too" he chuckled at her not so functioning state. She had never been a morning person and to prove her point she just raised her eyebrow as she slowly got up from the bed, taking a big sip of coffee and feeling the cold running up her spine. It was chilly. "So what's for today?" she asked once her mind had finally turned on, ignoring their last night, something he noticed. He had also noticed she was cold and he offered her his oversized sweater - it had his sense all over it she realized once she put it on but she was happily wrapped in a cocoon of blissfulness. He put a strand of her hair behind her ear, his hand floating mid-air, momentarily considering every possibility. "We have another day, so..." he told her honestly. He finally rested his hand on her waist, bringing her closer to him. He wanted to ask her so many things but he was afraid that maybe she would feel under pressure. She could read it in his impossibly delicate eyes. "Okay then... Look, Steve. About last night..." before she could actually tell him her thoughts, he tried to cut her off, thinking he might ease the blow. "You regretted. That okay, no wor-" "Why on earth would I regret it? I like you Steve. A lot. And last night... it was special" she finally finished off her sentence with him not being able to believe what he heard. He slowly smiled at her as if he was found innocent in court. She was still mesmerized by his eyes - so captivating and bewitching. In one swift move, he raised her up and enveloped her in a hug, one hand under her legs, the other holding her back while hers went to his head and neck. It was more than she expected of him and less than she would have craved. Her mind was screaming to her heart what she already knew - they weren't meant to be. She smiled through her thoughts and kissed him. The soft hint of the coffee and the even lighter taste of smoke, made her lose herself in him. He guided her legs around his waist and held her impossibly close to him. Some airy moans escaped their mouths and for better or for worse, the door swung open, revealing a slightly upset Bucky, trying to make his presence known with a small cough. Her eyes opened wide and she was on her feet not a moment later. She wasn't quite sure why she felt the way she did. It wasn't something abnormal - he knew how they felt about each other. Yet her heart squeezed in an unexplained way, leaving her puzzled.  "Sorry to interrupt, Sam has an idea... he says he knows a guy" he said darkly, not once making eye-contact with her. But of course, there was a war coming up - and it so happened to be against her father - there was no time for romance. Alas, their time had expired. 

 He left in a hurry with Sam to meet up with someone named Scott Lang and she had locked herself in the bathroom, trying to run a proper bath without once thinking about everything. With a bottle of red wine, she had already drunk and one more waiting for her next to the bathtub, she lowered herself into the bathtub. The water was hot; so hot it would probably have burnt her but she couldn’t feel. Her body was numb and she wanted that numbness to enter her mind too. Everything had gone silent and she already felt dead. Her hand flew to the bottle and she took a large sip, downing the wine in big gulps. It was only her and the water. Her and the water. The water. She faintly heard someone calling her name but it felt so distant, so far away from her.  It felt like it was meant to be. Like her life would come into a full circle and she could have her closure. Finally. It felt so long since she had been able to contain it. All of her life, she had known nothing else but pain and torment. Blood she had spilled, murders she had committed, so much to take in. She had found out she had a father only to be asked to choose a side. That constant hide and seek, she had come to believe that it was all there was. And then she had kissed him, finally letting herself feel.  She stopped breathing and closed her eyes. One, two, three… even the numbers became insignificant. She felt the burning sensation; her lungs were desperate-they were fighting for air. Her whole body was fighting to survive. However, her mind was determined to keep her there. She felt dizzy, sort of lightheaded. It was about to end. This misery. It felt kind of sad though. The one person she truly wanted to care, did. But she was too lost to be found. No more pretending, no more facades. no more tragedy, no more lies.  As she was about to slip, two strong hands were gripping her by her shoulders, pulling her from the water. Before she could even open up her eyes, she was being carried away. She knew it wasn't Steve who had her wrapped in his arms, she could feel the cold metal against her naked body but nothing stopped her from leaning closer and resting her head in his chest. Sooner rather than later, he softly laid her down. For the first time, she opened her eyes, only to find his impossibly silver eyes already looking at her. There was a pause, silence filling up the room, tension fusing between them. His eyes were pained and terrified, worried sick about her. She was looking at him with an apology in her eyes but she wouldn't say the words because they felt stupid and he knew - he never wanted her to apology for feeling too much, for being overwhelmed. He needed to know; however, how could she feel so desperate when she was happy just that morning. It wasn't something he couldn't understand, as he had thought of it many times before. Shaking his head, clearing up his mind, he handed her some warm clothes as he wanted her to be a bit more comfortable - well, that and he couldn't be in the same room with her naked and fragile because his head was going to places he had tried to stay away from.  "I am sorry" she whispered after a while but he winced and looked at her even more hurt. She lowered her eyes and tried to stop her head from spinning. Her legs were hanging out of the bed, still naked as she had only managed to put on a long shirt. "Why?" he simply asked before he could stop himself - he knew it wasn't still the time but he couldn't help it. She took a deep breath before she answered him, truthfully.  "It felt easier". It was just a whisper but it broke his heart. His hand cupped her cheek without even thinking about it. Those secret glimpses, the softness of the look, the gentle touches that didn't steal the other's body but simply made anew, the soundless actions of love that were not asked but given nonetheless, those were personal moments no one else knew about. He softly closed his eyes, containing himself, resisting the urge to hug her and never let her go.  "No. It didn't" he whispered back at her, as she let out a sad chuckle.  "It didn't" she agreed and tucked his hair behind his ears, her fingers tracing his jaw line. He stood up, abruptly enough for her to understand that both the tension and the ease she felt were mutual.  "I am not going to tell Steve - but I think you should. He cares about you" he said and left the room. 'So do you' she thought with a bittersweet aftertaste creeping up to her heart.  She had no idea how she would muster the courage to tell Steve, she did know she had to. She had promised him that her head was in the game, while if fact she was lying through her teeth. Fighting against her father, playing a part in Zemo's plan, all of her past was catching up with her and she felt terrified, sick and tired of all the bloodshed, she was exhausted from all the pain she had caused. Maybe she wasn't ready to blow up her entire life, now that she had gotten one. Then again, she had every reason to stand her ground, to fight for what she believed, but oh, did that felt like an eternity away. She had to make a decision. But, how could she? She was still thinking about a very unique pair of eyes. He crept into her heart, seeking to devour her, but he was the one consumed, he knew that much. He knew how stupid he had been... she was in love with Steve and Steve, his fucking best friend, was for once after a long time happy. He had seen the way they looked at each other. On top of all that, finding her in the situation he did drove him insane. Oh, and there was going to be a fist-to-fist battle just hours away. His mind screamed and hers grew quieter, for she understood that she had been lost for too long.  She would talk to Steve, even though she had no intention of tiring him with her burden. She would stay out of the fight. She would get away. She would say goodbye.  [Taglist: @accio-rogers​ @coffee-with-orion​ @moli1497​ @stydia-4-ever​ @smilexcaptainx​ ]

#captain america #captain america imagine #Steve Rogers #steve rogers imagine #captain america fanfiction #steve rogers fanfiction #Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes imagine #the winter soldier #the winter solider imagine #The Avengers #tony stark imagine #tony stark x reader #captain america x reader #bucky barnes x reader #reader insert #avengers imagine

[olivia-moussot]

Love, Sarah

(This is an original work of fiction)

Katie’s POV

Katie sat in a circle of teens. After a party invitation and some apparently spiked punch, her sense of reason and caution, which she normally wore a thick layer of, was gone. So, when someone she didn’t know asked her to play 7 minutes in heaven, she was more than happy to oblige.

Katie sat in a circle with four other girls, and six other guys that she either didn’t know or had just seen passing around campus, but one person that sat across from her stood out from the rest. Sarah Guido.

Everything about her was perfect from her tall figure, to her bright blue eyes, shoulder length blond hair, and smile that could light up any room. She was perfect except for one thing. Sarah Guido was straight. Katie’s best-friend that she had told everything since second grade, had been her crush since fourth grade, and the person who Katie had realized she was absolutely head-over-heels, in love with, since eighth, was straighter than an arrow, and sitting in a circle of 7 minutes in heaven participants.

Katie got thrown back into reality as the last person sat down and asked for a volunteer to spin the bottle.

“I’ll go,” Katie turned her head to the voice and wasn’t surprised who it was. Anna Covington, a nice girl and a good student, but also someone who was notorious for their goal of trying to sleep with everyone on their dorm room floor.

Anna leaned forward and spun the bottle. Anyone, Katie thought to herself, Anyone but Sarah.Katie didn’t know why she still had hope of being with Sarah in the almost 0% chance circumstances, but she held on to it as she watched the bottle slow down and finally stop. Katie breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn’t Sarah, or her for that matter.

The bottle stopped at a member of the football team that she didn’t know the name of, and Anna pulled him to the nearby storage closet. A girl went over and locked the door behind them, and started the timer for seven minutes.

She sat in the circle with the other people, using small talk as a way to pass the time. Katie’s phone buzzed and looked down.

It was a text from Sarah “Hey, is everything ok, you looked stressed”

“Yea I’m fine” She wrote back “Just a little tired”

Katie looked up and saw Sarah smile at her. A smile that was so bright it could practically glow in the dark. Katie wondered if that smile could ever be caused because of something she said. It couldn’t possibly be, but it would be cool if it was.

Katie was again jogged out of her thoughts as the timer rang. Someone went over and unlocked the door. The boy walked out first hair disheveled and dark red spots following his jawline and down one side of his neck. Anna walked out behind him not a single hair out of place. She walked up behind the boy and whispered something in his ear. Anna sauntered out of the room followed by the boy right on her heels.

People kept spinning the bottle going clockwise around the circle. Katie was relatively calm, until the bottle got to her. Having downed a few more shots during previous rounds, her mind was a little looser and more prepared for what was to come.

Katie leaned forward and Spun the bottle, time seemed to slow down as her panic heightened. Around, and around, and around it went. Until it stopped. At Sarah. Sarah smiled at Katie before standing up and holding out her hand. Katie couldn’t believe it was happening. She took Sarah’s hand and they walked together into the closet.

The closet turned out to be fairly large, easily enough room for two or three people to sit down comfortably. They heard the lock click behind them and both sat down in awkward silence before they burst out laughing.

Sarah spoke “Ya know, this docent have to be weird. We can just talk”

“Yea, I know” Katie said “But that not really the point of the game, is it”

“Point of the game or not, they can’t make us do anything” Sarah responded

Katie spent the next few minutes in bliss talking to Sarah till her tone suddenly turned serious. Sarah placed her hand on Katie’s and Katie swore her heart was beating so loud that Sarah could hear it. They had never been overly physical when it came to their friendship, so Katie knew she was serious about what Sarah was about to say.

“Katie there’s something I need to tell you, I….”

Sarah was cut off by the door being opened.

“Hope you enjoyed your seven minutes ladies, but your time is up.” Said the girl at the door.

Sarah’s face was full of disappointment and she walked out of the closet with Katie behind her.

They did a couple more rounds of 7 minutes in heaven before the game rapped up. The group broke apart to mingle in the party and as the hours went on, Katie’s curiosity was getting the best of her.

She walked through the party scanning for Sarah and found her talking with a group of friends by the entrance.

“You gonna head out too,” she said in a slightly slurred voice.

“Yea” Katie said

“I’ll see you tomorrow I guess then” Sarah responded

“I guess so,” Katie was panicking and her chance of making a move was slowly dwindling.

Katie went up and hugged Sarah behind, before placing a slight peck on her cheek.

Sarah turned around in a flash with her eyes huge “What are you doing Katie.”

Katie was at a loss for words, she had never seen the anger she saw in Sarah’s eyes

“What are you doing, why did you think that that was ok!”

Sarah’s voice slowly escalated into a yell. Everyone gradually turned silent and focused on them.

“ANSWER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING KATIE!!!”

Katie’s fear grew, she didn’t think about the repercussions of what she had done. She had never seen anger like this in Sarah before.

“FOR ALL THE YEARS WE’VE BEEN FRIENDS, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!!” Sarah was screaming now.

“I’m sorry, it didn’t mean anything...” Katie said before she was interrupted by Sarah

“NOTHING! THAT DIDN’T MEAN NOTHING! IVE SEEN THE WAY YOU LOOK AT ME. WHY ARE YOU LYING.” Sarah turned on her heel and stormed off.

Katie stood there in silence looking at the crowed staring around her. She ran through the house and out into the cold air. She was in a daze as she walked through the dorm parking lot and found her car.

As soon as she sat in it, tears started running down her face. Katie was panicking, she didn’t know what to do. She was going to lose her only friend, and the person she’d loved for years, over one stupid idea.

Maybe she was just drunk. Maybe she was just surprised, and she’ll come around tomorrow. Maybe I can work this out with her. Thought after thought came out of her head trying to replace the last with a more ridiculous one that could lead for a hopeful outcome.

Katie picked up her phone trying to execute the most rational idea she had to come up with and texted Sarah “I'm sorry. Do you think we can talk through this and work this out? You've been my best friend ever since I can remember, and I don't wanna lose you over one stupid little thing.”

Katie hoped but never heard her phone buzz and lost faith as she sat there in her car tears falling thicker and thicker down her face as her breath became more uneven and overwhelmed.

She picked up her phone and saw the text had been marked as read for 10 minutes. She sat there as time went by 15 minutes, then 20, 30, then 45. Steadily losing hope that Sarah would never see her the same way again and she would never be able to see Sarah again.

She kept watching the door to the house hoping that she could see Sarah walk out and catch her before it was too late and she left, but Katie never did.

Katie finally left the parking lot after two hours of waiting for Sarah to answer her text or come out of the party. Finally, she gave up shutting off her phone and starting her car. Tears still silently streaming down her face, she drove away. Away from the party. Onto the silent street, and into the night.

Sarah’s POV

Sarah stood by the door to the party, the effects of the alcohol had finally worn off and she realized when she done to Katie and regretted every bit of it. Sarah put her head in her hands contemplating on what she could do. She had seen Katie’s text but didn’t have the heart to respond and tell her the truth. So, Sarah did what she thought was her only option. She finally texted Katie.

I have so many things to say to you but there’s one that I want to get across. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say what I did. you’re my best friend and I could never live without you. I don’t know why I acted how I did I regret every word that came out of my mouth, But Katie. I love you. I always have I thought of us having a future together and every bit of it excites me. I wanna be with you and no one else for forever. I’m sorry, love Sarah

Katie’s POV

Everything seemed like a blur as rain started coming down in sheets as thick as her tears. Part of her didn't know what she was doing but part of her knew that it was exactly what she wanted. Fear of seeing Sarah in class the next day slowly dissipating. Katie turned down to the highway away from the campus following it until it got to the bridge, she pressed down on the gas faster and faster thinking only about one thing. She moved all the way into the right Lane of the and jerked the steering wheel to the right as peace finally flooded her mind. she heard a crash and a scream, and then nothing. She felt cold icy water running against her skin numbing the feeling of her broken bones. Katie faintly heard her phone buzz through its waterproof case and saw four words I love you, Sarah. She laid there gripping her phone as her vision got fuzzy blocking out the lights above, and those four precious words, until she only saw black. But she knew that whatever she was going to face next that it would be ok. Because she was going to go away again. Away from the party. Away from people. Away from Sarah.

Epilogue

Dear Katie,

It’s been exactly five years since the night of the party. I have so much to say and have so little time to say it. After the bridge, I lost the will to get out of bed, as well as the will to live. I became suicidal the three following years after your death, thinking of only one thing. You. You had been my first love ever since I can remember, and I didn’t know how to deal with your passing. I tried to end my life twice during that period. Once standing in the middle of traffic, praying a car would collide with my body so I could see you again. And a second time, trying to overdose on the same medication that could have saved me. After years of depression and wanting to end my own life because you ended yours, I was told something. The best way to honor you is not to end myself, but to keep living for you. I have loved you for so long and I doubt I will love anyone the same again. But I will try. For you. I was told that I wasn’t honoring your life, by trying to end mine. But didn’t listen for a while. I have been doing better. Some days I can't get out of bed, thinking only about you, concluding the day with crying myself to sleep. Some days I can wake up, like things are back to normal. But my eyes carry to your empty seat in the class, and the thought of you weighs heavy in the back of my mind no matter what.  I've been through into fits of hysteria with no one to blame but myself. Now I know exactly what I want, just like you did that night. I’m standing on the same edge of the bridge you were phone in hand sending this last text to you saying the same thing I did that night. I'm Sorry. I Love You.

Love, Sarah

Sarah set her phone down as she saw the last text, she would even send to Katie go through. She brushed away her tears as the brisk wind softly touched her skin. Sarah closed her eyes for the last time, leaning forward ever so slightly until she felt the wind rushing by her as she fell, and the same cold water soothe her broken bones just like it has done to Katie five years ago.

Her vision lightened until she only saw white. She was transported to a large room that looked like a cathedral and she saw someone in the distance dressed in white, who spoke the same words she had previously just written. The person came into view as she continued to walk toward her a smile on her familiar face, wet with tears. She heard her recite words that she knew too well. Sarah ran to her as the same voice she had loved forever, met her ears.

The girl embraced her still reciting her message. Her voice had quieted to a whisper until only Sarah could hear her as the figure said the last words she wrote.”

“I’m Sorry. I Love You.”

“Love, Sarah.”

[mentalhealthvents]

hi. introduction post? i dont know if anyone will see this.

TW: mentions of suicide, suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts, bullying, abuse, sexual assault, slurs, self harm

hi. im finn, im 13, im a trans guy and i have a Whole Host of issues. you dont have to read this, but i guess you can submit vents to this account? i dont have a plan. this is me screaming into the void and waiting for a reply. it might just be an echo.

so uh, the best place to start is probably where my main issues started, a.k.a. year 2. basically, i had extremely stressed and pulled out my hair. people werent really dicks about it cause they were 7, but i got some weird looks. two years later (year 4. nine years old) i started with my first therapist and got informally diagnosed with trichotillomania. pulled my hair out again, got bullied. i was a very bulliable person. insecure, not physically fit or attractive or well liked. smart, but afraid.

i stopped therapy at the end of year 5 as i moved into school number 4. it was a very religious cathedral school. i was starting to seem more and more eccentric/weird/gay. people didnt like that. i got called a lot of slurs. fag, dyke, tranny, retarded - you name it, i probably got called it. that year is where i developed a very good resistance to blunt force pain and pain in general.

skip to year 7 - school number 5. a grammar school. i think ill meet good, nice friends. i did. i also met the worst person id ever had the misfortune of seeing. her name was lottie. she physically attacked me, verbally abused me including telling me to die and saying she hoped i would kill myself.

she taught me how to take the blade out of a pencil sharpener.

i moved classes.

mid 2018, i self harmed for the first time (knowingly). i occasionally stopped eating for a few days, i didnt leave the house, i hated talking to anyone and had just gotten out of my 3rd therapist. it was a pretty bad time. i got out.

july 2018, i meet up with a friend. we talk a bit. she is clearly upset. i ask her whats wrong. she confesses to me that on her twelfth birthday, a few days before, her ex best friend groped her without her consent. i reassure her, and notice the new and old cuts and scars on her thighs. we discuss how statistically, one person in our year probably wont make it to the end of school.

late 2018, about august, i realised 2 things. 1, i wasnt a girl. i had been questioning for a while, but that was when i really realised i wasnt. i cut my hair short, tested pronouns and names. 2, my relationship with my parents was not good, or normal. i barely talked to them. i saw my dad maybe an hour a day, and when i interacted with my mother she would do something harmful. say something transphobic, call me autistic (bear in mind i do not feel i am autistic and i have not been diagnosed), whatever. i had been basically fending for myself since year 4, and saw my mother as closer to a sister due to her responsibility issues and tendency to get very drunk and yell.

new school year starts. im doing ok. i lose a couple of friends, gain a couple, officially come out to my friends, try to come out to my mother but she dismisses it, its chill. i go to my 4th therapist. hes the best ive had so far.

february 2019. i start self harming again. i make about 30 cuts in 7 days. i force myself to stop, and enter a phase in which i am so numb that i cant remember most of february and march. i come out to my family and buy a binder.

april 4th. thursday. 12:06pm. i am 13 and 5 months old. i have recorded messages to my friends and i remember the statistic that at least one person in my year wont make it through school. i take 16 500mg ibuprofen pills in the hope that itll make it stop. it doesnt. i go back to camhs. my emergency counsellor hears what i say about my anxiety, depressive tendencies, dysphoria, insecurities, tendency to believe that i dont have enough issues.

she phones my mother and says that i may be autistic and that i communicate like it. i remember why i wanted to kill myself. i cut some more. deeper, but still on the back of my arms. im too much of a coward to cut anywhere else.

its early may. i hate myself. i want to kill myself sometimes. i hold a strong dislike for my mother and therapy, and i feel nothing the majority of the time. i stay alive for music and to not hurt my friends. i have a lot of scars on my left arm.

#mental health #vent #suicide #mental disorder #emotional #tw #vent post #mentally ill #young

[wheredoistart91-blog]

Where do i start pt.1

Where do i start.. theres so many events in my life that i cant really say where it all began. All i know is it came to me losing my mind and having scary thoughts of self harm and suicide, as much i didnt want it to go that far its slowly creeping up. lately ive been not feeling myself, everytime i look in the mirror i dont even know who is looking back.

thats a scary thought already, when you cant even recognize yourself. it makes the day start off like shit, and you think it will get better it doesnt it gets worse. threw out the day i feel so numb and if its not numb its anger and fusteration.

I catch myself zoning out alot with events that have pasted, and running the situation in my head over and over wondering why i didnt do it one way or why i didnt say what i really wanted to say. when things happen weather its bad or good, i never do or say what i really wanted too it literally doesnt come to me till after or days after. Then it comes up again months after and i run it threw my head over and over again. Alot of ppl might be going threw what im going threw, well somethings that ive been going threw. like i said i have alot of shit that i dont know where to start and how i got here.

My feelings feel scattered, sometimes i think i have a bi-polar disorder. Its crazy how your emotions can switch with out warning. Sometimes triggers happen but i dont know what triggers me, and i feel bad for my friends and family who have to deal with me being like this.

Before they found out about my outburst, i guess you would call it. i was very good at hiding it all, no one would have ever known what ive been dealing with. i would be the fun party girl and crazy friend who goofs around and says silly things. But what they didnt know is that i was screaming inside.... i was smiling when i was hurting, i was laughing when i was crying, i said i was okie when i wasnt. i did that cause i didnt want to be the talked about one. i didnt want a label on me, or have everyone feel sorry for me cause i dont know how to deal with my shit. So i just push it all aside and help everyone else before helping my self. One of the best things that helped was drinking all the time, it took a lot off of me, made me feel good. Which sounds really bad but whatever helped helped.

By now your probably wondering why i didnt get help or talk to someone, well that fact is if you couldnt tell by now. I hate talking about my feelings and serious things, cause like i said i dont like it when people feel sorry for me.

Recently i broke down and i still have no reason why. So many reasons come up but i cant tell you which one it would be. One night i was drinking and got drunk, when i came home i was alone in my basement with scary thoughts of myself saying "cut","just do it", "it will feel good". Then obvisouly being drunk and having fucked up emotions, i cut myself... i used a push pin and started to slash my wrist, at the time it felt good. The pain was a release, its a scary and fucked up pleasure. i saw my self doing it and couldnt stop, i wouldnt stop.. at first it was just to feel, then the thought of if it, if it had  went too deep i would be okie with it.

i snapped out of it and started to realize that i fucked up, there was so much blood on my wrist, hands and on my bedroom floor. i started to cry and breathing heavily, i was freaking out. I called my brother girlfriend because i didnt know how else to call that i could trust at the time. She talked me threw everything, which started to calm me down i cleaned up my mess and went to bed.

I woke up the next morning, feeling like nothing happened. Feeling like it was just another drunkin night. A week went by and i was feeling normal, feeling like i was okie for once. Friday... drinking once again drinking after work, losing my control with drinking cause it usally ease some pain.  Me and some friends were at the bar taking shots like its no tomorrow, ended up at my brothers house contiuned to drink there, cause you know why not.. it was going okie well i thought it was. I was drinking Nudes which are in a can, so again my voice in my head kept telling me "cut","just do it", "it will feel good". So me being at my weakest i listened, i broke off the metal peice on top of the can. went to the bathroom and started to slowly re cut my cuts and it did feel good.. i threw the piece of can away and went on drinking some more.

we sat around the table listenin to music and talking. From there all i remember is my brother standing up in a panic yelling at me " what the hell are you doing".

Thats when i.. i guess you can say snapped back, i had once again ripped off a peice of the can and cut my finger open.. there was blood and yelling and talking... i paniced and freaked out, couldnt stop crying and holding anything in.. my dad was there, step mom, all my brothers, then all of a sudden my mom came. I was freaking out cause i didnt realize i was cutting myself, that shit can give you some trama.. everyone one by one was talking to me and i couldnt really hear, there was to much going on in my head and around me.. my brother came and was talking to me calming me down, then all of a sudden paramedics came in.. I started to freak out again and losing control.. they took me to the hospital, the mental heath section.

that moment i was becoming someone i wasnt able to control. i sat there the whole night,slowly starting to feel like im slowly losing myself ..

which leads to right now.. Now my whole family knows everything about how i cope with myself, how my mental health hasnt been doing good. A part of me wants things to go back to when i was hiding everything, the other part wants help.. Then theres the dark side that seems to be slowly taking over, im slipt in to so many feelings and thoughts..

Where do i start....

- JAC91

#mental health #where do i start #blogger #life #struggles #my story #feels #real life

[subjectsilver]

5:05 AM on July 23rd

i absoTonight someone got stabbed over a god damn jul pod. 

but lets back up

I have been at school for a week.

I needed to get out of columbus... just like old times there was just nothing left for me there i was just killing myself because of how summer went and how i am and shit whatever. it'll be nice to temporarily go back in the winter and spring and even next summer and i can't wait until then but for now i need to not be there. I need school i need distractions i need people - i need people who are my friends but I'm not too close with - distractions are all i need right now so i don't hurt myself.  

I came back to Wake and literally the first day i was here i heard                       1-800-273-8255 - Logic 3 times by three separate people. Thats a fucking sign if i know it...ive never really heard that song until like that day and now i listen to it every single day...

Everyday i wake up and have running or lifting and i do that in the morning then i just sit and do nothing until playing pick up soccer at night which is kinda shitty bc fuck boredom and fuck routine but its a distraction none the less so its alright with me...

Im destroying my bank account because i have no meal plan so i eat out everyday which is like 10$ a meal cus life is expensive... but at least I'm eating i mean I'm still underweight sitting around 140lbs but I'm not getting any lighter. Tbh i was kind of getting comfortable being skinny because i love the way my baggy t shirts that are too big for me, fall on me when I'm underweight but i know inside i need to get my weight up to be healthy and like sane. but ill get there..i hope - eating as much as i can in hopes to gain weight anyway.

I knew i was forgetting something when i left -  well i forgot a lot but least of all i forgot my contact case so i was sleeping in my contacts for like 5 straight days and that shit killed my eyes but i finally got a case so last night was the first time i slept without them and if i sleep tonight it'll feel good as well.

I'm trying to think about what happened this week but nothing really happens during summer school it kinda sucks. I met all the freshman guys and girls and they all seem pretty cool I've been chilling outside with them  every night when were done with pick up and shit because i have nothing better to do and i like hearing conversation hearing them all talk and reading all of them. Half of them think I'm crazy because i only sleep like 4 hours a night and because my teammates tell them the stories that are my snapchat stories this summer. It is what it is ya know.

SIDENOTE andre keels is currently telling me about how he went on a date with this girl and he's low-key geeking out and its pretty funny, I'm happy for him he deserves the high that follows being low - i hope i get that eventually.

I had a really low night a couple nights ago where i just sat outside listened to jcole and smoked cigarettes by myself but i got thru it.. it just seems like when I'm doing absolutely nothing my mind takes over and i think about all the things that bother me with life or just life itself. its kinda shitty because it seems like when I'm not distracted its like a struggle to keep living like i don't understand the point of living or being alive or life in general so it confuses me why I'm here but i try not to think about it.

I thought i was a going to quit cigarettes but i literally need them not because I'm addicted but bc its something to do when I'm alone at night by myself... and i should prob get a jul pod or some shit but its so expensive and niggas are getting stabbed over it now and I'm just not about that lmao ........ I'm dying on my own terms if anything.

im not on social media really anymore. i check it every once in a while but very rarely except like writing weekly shit like i am rn or on snapchat. i guess like 5 albums came out or something and i had absolutely no idea. it's alright tho other people fill me in eventually I'm currently listening to tyler the creators new album. Its a lot better than i expected tbh.

 “5 car garage....full tank of gass but that don't mean nothing nothing nothing without u in the passenger”

took a little break to smoke a cig - I'm kinda nice at it now and hitting juuls tbh despite my efforts and much coughing in the past I'm finally getting nice. with my luck ill probably get cancer or some shit but thats alright i guess  (kanye hands)   

anyways down to business aka the most excitement of this week SOMEONE GOT STABBED OVER A FUCKING JUUL POD 

thats fucking lit and crazy and so disappointing of humanity but at the same time the greatest thing thats ever happened ever...

actually 2 people got stabbed but one kid got sliced in the finger so like that doesn't even count but the email i got said 2 people stabbed soon i mean i don't make the rules. I was chilling right i played like 2 games of pong and won both (ayeeeee) then i walked into this house and was staring out of a window i actually took a pic but this fight broke out and i turned around and everyone started leaving under the assumption cops would come... so i walked outside and i was trying to account for everyone that was there because DAD FOLDS came out and i was counting everyone and i thought i had it correct but this kid was like where is abby i think she's dead inside like passed out drunk soon despite hearing sirens i ran back inside and checked the house to find that she was not there which was good so i ran outside and started running with this kid named Sam.. so me and sammy for running through yards and bushes and shit but my shoe got caught in a bush (fuck me right) “sam go on without me live on  bruv” so sam started running away... i finally got unstuck and i saw like 3 cops chasing sam so i ran the other direction around this building and on the other side i saw 4 cop cars so immediately i dipped into these bushes where i hit my face on a brick wall and copped a gnarly scratch that will not scar which is disappointing... (incase u were wondering go had a black t shirt on and not the usual white so my shit was not stained or anything thank god) so i was laying there for a good 10 seconds and i got on snapchat and scrolled thru the stories for a brief moment when i heard “sir we saw you jump in the bushes please come out” i was like fuckkkk mee so i got out with my hands up cus a nigga not trynna end up like trayvon   and i backed up slowly and got handcuffed and then they patted me down found my wallet, luckily found my real ID and then put me in the car... i wait there for a little and scrolled thru snapchat behind my back and then they pulled me out and questioned me. I just claimed ignorance bc i actually didn't really know shit at all... my only lie was that i didn't know the only guy i was running with. Then they just let me go. They asked me why i was running if i didn't do anything and i was like “i wasn't trynna get stabbed and also cops these days shoot black people so i wasn't trying to be shot either” and at some point this cop was like do you have an accent where are u from and i was like uhhhh ohio? but they let me go and i walked back to campus and i saw all these freshman outside and i was like ooo go to bed y'all and we all went to bed.... then i laid there for like 2 hours before going back outside...talked to some people for a while who were out there and then skrrttted off to smoke and music and write..

present time  - its 5:48 AM and someone got stabbed over a juulie like 6 hours ago thats wild....................

tomorrow or today technically I'm going to play beer die (a drinking game) [google that shit] at like 3 and then go to a team cook out and chill. should be alright.

this tyler the creator album is actually kinda nice - i actually did find some nice songs on soundcloud tho today i found a really nice piano piece that kinda calms me down in the beginning then slowly gives me anxiety... I've had a lot of anxiety lately

it seems like I'm feeling so much shit now as opposed to being numb and feeling just so dead and all the feeling at once just scares the shit out of me or makes me heart want to explode but its kinda nice to feel shit sometimes... i still have moments days where i feel absolutely nothing but it is what it is...it can't all get better at one time... I've just noticed tho that like everything use to seem weird to me like literally “this is so weird” always went thru my mind but now EVERYTHING is so scary to me like even if I'm not paying attention and someone speaks to me and the sound catches me off guard it makes me jump. its weird - haha

its getting light outside i know i need to sleep because I'm trying to get 8 hours a night even tho it doesn't always happen but I'm trying. last night i laid awake for 2 hours thinking about magic tricks. card tricks that i will eventually try on people...i created my own card tricks in my head... i have zero decks of cards rn tho which is so rare for me never really happens.

anyways - another update will come next sunday and hopefully by then i get stabbed over a juul pod by then.  

6:00 AM   I FUCKING HATE BUTTERFLIES.

i love you good morning.

[illyriantremors]

Beneath the Stars Chapter 8

Chapter: I II III IV V VI VII

AO3 Linkage

Summary: After a particularly regrettable fight with her sisters and Tamlin, Feyre tracks her boyfriend down at Ianthe's Newspaper party and receives an unwelcome surprise. Full breakdown ensues.

Chapter 8

Nesta and Elain froze when they saw me. No one said anything, so I cleared my throat and decided to go first.

“Hey,” and then I couldn’t think of anything else to say. It wasn’t like either of them to be home in the middle of the semester especially on a Sunday night before they’d have to be back early the next day for class.

“Feyre,” Elain said trying to smile at the same time that Nesta said sharply, “We need to talk.”

Elain faced our older sister and pressed her hands downward towards the floor mouthing something. Nesta grimaced, but spoke again with a little intensity. “Mom wants you to come home.”

“What?”

“Can we at least sit down first?!” Elain stammered.

“Fine,” Nesta and I said at the same time taking seats on the living room couches. “What is going on?” I asked. “What do you mean mom wants me to come home? This is home. And when did she decide to talk to you again?”

My sisters looked at each other tightly. Elain bit her lip. “Feyre…” she said slowly with careful deliberation. “We never stopped talking to mom.”

There was a silence during which everyone was uncomfortable and an awful truth sank in. Mom wasn’t talking to my sisters. They were talking to her - actively. I’d had it all backwards.

The only person mom had apparently stopped talking to was me.

And dad.

“But she left us,” I said as a raw spot in my throat went numb. “How could you-”

“We haven’t lived here in years, Feyre,” Nesta said coldly. “It’s time you didn’t either.”

“And go where? With her? Nesta, she hasn’t spoken to me since the night she left.”

“That phone works both ways, you know.” She flipped her hand in the direction of the phone still sitting in my palm. I hadn’t let go of it since I’d left Rhys’s - save for driving of course. “You could have called her. But instead you’ve been sitting here all summer acting like she’s the reincarnation of Hitler and it’s ridiculous.”

“Nesta,” Elain warned, but I was already fuming.

“What’s ridiculous is you defending her. Nesta, mom abandoned us. And she didn’t even bother to say goodbye.”

“That’s because we went with her!”

I sat back feeling like she’d just driven a stake through my heart. “You - you what?”

“That’s right. I dumped dad’s sorry ass and moved in with mom. She got a new place close to school so that she could make it easier on me and Elain with classes.”

I looked to my middle sister. Her body constricted inward on itself as she drew her shoulders up high around her face, her back curving over herself. “What does she mean when she says it’s easier on her and you?”

Elain looked like she might cry. “Feyre - Feyre, we just want you to be safe, okay? That’s all this is about. Mom left so that we could have a normal life because dad’s not well. Now that she has a place arranged, you can get away from him.”

She tried to lay her hand against mine, but I brushed it off. Betrayal took on a whole new meaning as I realized my sisters had left me too. I could see it in Elain’s guilty expression because she knew full well this was a secret her and Nesta had purposefully hidden from me. Why on earth they thought it mattered now to take me away was beyond me.

“Dad’s fine,” I said. “And anywhere with mom could never be a home. Not for me.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Nesta snapped. She shot out of her seat, ignoring Elain’s strangled gasp and disappeared, coming back a moment later with the kitchen trash can in her hand. It was empty save for at least half a dozen empty alcohol bottles.

Whiskey, bourbon, vodka… whatever dad could get his hands on so long as it took the pain away each night. I hadn’t realized he’d been going through so many bottles after I went to bed.

“You think dad’s okay?” Nesta shouted. “Look at this and tell me this is okay Feyre. Tell me!”

“Shh, he’ll hear you!” Elain said, standing up to put herself on Nesta’s level. Good luck to her. No one could ever pull even with Nesta. She was a tower of fire and venom hell itself could not have forged.

Elain pointed upstairs to where dad’s bedroom was. I prayed he was sleeping deeply by this point, even if that only further proved Nesta’s point…

“I don’t care if he hears me. Let him! He’s an ass for doing this to us and he’s out of his fucking mind.”

She threw the trash can on the floor and the bottles rattled inside causing me to jump. “For fuck’s sake, Nesta - he’s sick. That’s why he needs our help!”

“Get a grip, Feyre. He’s a drunk, and a lazy, depressed one at that. You can’t help him. You can hardly help yourself! Look at you running around with that loser thinking you have a life. You’re just as miserable and pitiful as dad is.”

“Which is why you have to come with us,” Elain said and then froze, realizing how she’d just sounded. “I mean - no, Feyre, I only meant that it’s not good for you to be around dad so much when-”

“I know exactly what you meant, Elain,” I interjected entirely stone faced. “I get it. I’m worthless. Mom said the same thing - right before she walked out. So save it. I’m not going with her. I needed her - I needed all of you - and you all left. Now dad needs me and I’m sure as shit not ditching out on him like the pair of you.”

“Such bullshit, Feyre,” Nesta said, but I cut her off with a shout so shrill, I hardly recognized my own voice.

“That’s enough! For years you have treated me like shit, Nesta and I don’t know why. I’m sorry your perfect sisterhood got interrupted ten years down the road, but you can blame mom and dad for that. So just go back to school. You can pretend like I don’t exist. It’s what you normally do anyway, right? Feyre doesn’t have a life. Feyre doesn’t have friends. Feyre’s not important. Well guess what - you were right. I don’t know why you even bothered coming.”

I stormed past them and managed to wait until I hit the stairs before I let the tears fall. Elain tried to call after me, but I listened as Nesta cut her off and made some excuse about it getting late and early morning classes or some other.

When I heard the car start, I dared peak out the window to make sure they were really leaving and then I went back downstairs to check on dad. The door was shut, but not locked. When I opened it, the room was pitch dark.

Dad was a collapsed heap in the middle of his bed. He was lying on his stomach so I couldn’t see his face, but a second later his body gave a great heave and a heavy snore erupted out of him.

He was okay.

I went downstairs and fetched a broom to clean up the broken beer bottle that had fallen on the floor beside his bed and cracked open, adding it to the trash can Nesta had shoved in my face before taking it all outside.

And then I went to bed wondering if I’d ever have a day that didn’t fill me with some kind of darkness again.

That was the worst part, I decided. Never feeling completely whole. Some days I woke up and watched the world around me burn. Other days I woke up and felt almost normal, but never entirely so.

For some reason, the universe insisted that something had to be off at all times. There were struggles that were easier to pinpoint and understand - problems like the trash can or the unanswered text messages or the unfilled applications, all of which were symbols of a lot more than what they were as simple objects orbiting in and out of my life.

But the days where I couldn’t figure it out, where everything was seemingly fine - those were the days that nearly killed me. I could wake up, pick out an outfit that made me feel good about myself and still feel like dirt.

I could sit at lunch and joke with Tamlin and sometimes even Lucien and hardly touch my food.

I could get an A on every test, come home to find dad stone cold sober, watch my favorite tv show, and get all of my homework done on time and it didn’t matter because I felt miserable. Something was missing. I had people in my life at every turn and I felt disconnected to all of them. I would say things I didn’t mean, ignore the people and ideas that mattered, and let the anger take over while Feyre coasted on autopilot.

The only time I didn’t feel like a complete zombie faking it just to get from one day to the next was my time spent with Rhys and Mor, but I kept those interactions as brief as possible. I sensed Tamlin didn’t like me being around them even though he wouldn’t tell me why, and most days I was too tired to argue. So the guilt clipped my smiles and every time I hung around Rhys for SBC meetings, a little hole in my heart opened up as soon as another closed.

And I was so sick of it. Sick of never knowing what normal felt like anymore. I missed it horribly. Missed understanding what it was like to live life without knowing with any certainty what kind of day I was going to have, what my body was going to dictate I felt regardless of what I wanted. Never had I felt so empty and full to bursting at the same time. It dragged me down and down and down.

Tamlin finally cornered me Monday to talk about the time I’d been spending on student council. He hadn’t spoken to me all day for never calling him back after my first day at work even though I apologized profusely for it all through lunch.

I was just about to open the door to the administration building when I found Tamlin pushing in front of me to slam it shut so hard the window pane vibrated.

“Are you shitting me right now, Feyre?” He kept a hand firmly on the door so that there was no chance of me getting past him.

“What the hell are you doing? Tamlin - shit!”

He stepped in front me, his face only inches from mine. I’d never seen him explode with so much anger before. It made me nervous. Where was Lucien?

“I thought I told you to stay away from Rhys? And now I find out you’re on student council with him? Shit, Fey - is this where you’ve been going every Monday when you ditch on me?”

“Oh because you don’t ditch out on me all the damn time for Newspaper?”

“That’s because Newspaper is actually important!”

All the fire went out of me as that single word Nesta had thrown at me reverberated in my head.

Important.

As in - I was not important.

“I’m getting somewhere with this and you’re wasting your time when I need you most. I tried to call you a million times yesterday and you wouldn’t pick up.”

“I was working. I was…”

With Rhys.

“You were working, huh. At eleven o’clock at night?”

The trash can falling to the floor.

Nesta hollering.

Elain’s milky doe-eyes cringing at me.

And mom, mom was…

“There’s a party tonight at Ianthe’s. She’s announcing co-editors finally. I was going to ask you to go with me, but obviously,” he turned and gestured roughly at the concrete walls I wanted desperately to crawl into, “you have other commitments, so I won’t bother.”

Won’t bother with you is what he’s really saying, my mind registered. When did I get so jacked up?

“If you’re smart - if I matter at all to you, you’ll stay the fuck away from him.”

“What exactly is your problem with him?”

“Should it really matter? Honestly, Feyre. I’m your boyfriend and you should trust me, which is a heck of a lot more than I can say for you right now. He’s not good to be around and he used me and his sister horribly a few years back. Set us both on the wrong path. That’s all you need to know.”

Tamlin left and I hardly took notice of anything as my feet led me mindlessly inside, past the reception desk, and into the meeting room where our SBC sessions took place. I prayed this wouldn’t be one of the days where the principal joined us.

Cassian was the only one there yet and when he saw me, his eyebrows went through the roof.

“What the hell happened to you?”

I sat down and replied with the only two words I knew anymore. “I’m fine.”

“Really? Because you look like crap and that’s putting it mildly.”

Heat flooded my face as a wave of embarrassment crept over me. His expression softened, but he still looked… confused.

“Hey,” he said much more gently. “You know you can talk about it if you need to. I can take the punches if there’s something you need to get off your chest.”

And he meant it. I could tell. Cassian stared at me and he understood something - maybe everything, I wasn’t sure.

I took a good look at Cassian right then, perhaps my first real look at him ever. It was hard to see past the hulkish figure, but for once I managed it. His football jersey hung out of his backpack with dried mud and grass stains worn into the seams. That meant practice almost every day after school. And he wasn’t stupid - not by a long shot. Cassian was taking just as many AP classes this year as Az was. Not to mention Student Council duties which Cassian was very attentive to underneath the pseudo-mockery he made of it.

He’d grown up on the move. Military family, dad probably never home. Was that what drove him? Was that why he gave so much? Because no one gave him anything?

Was that what he was seeing and assessing right now as he stared back at me?

I didn’t have a chance to find out. Mor breezed into the room and plopped down in the seat next to me. I took one look at Cassian and just barely shook my head in the negative.

“Well I’m pooped,” she said throwing her arms down beside her. She had her cheer uniform on so she must have just gotten out of practice. Cheer was an entire period unto itself just like a regular class. “Rhys better keep this meeting short. I’m tired of talking about pep rallies. They get exhausting when you have to perform at every one of ‘em instead of just kicking back in the stands like you lazy lot do.”

She was making a joke, that much was clear. Her smile was bright and clear as always, but when Cassian didn’t say anything and she took in my sullen mood, the redness of my eyes, her curiosity spiked. “Am I missing something, or-”

“Everything’s fine,” I said totally on autopilot. “How was cheer?”

She was still skeptical, but with a fake smile plastered all over my face and an encouraging nod, she was forced to answer my question.

The meeting itself passed in a blur. Rhys really did keep it short and I took the first opportunity to leave when it was over and bolted. He’d been eyeing me worriedly too many times and I kept thinking about what Tamlin had mentioned - how Rhys had somehow hurt him and his sister. I didn’t even know he had a sister.

I’d hardly looked at Rhys or said more than was absolutely necessary. Mor was asking if she could have a word with him when I was halfway out the door.

I stewed for the remainder of the afternoon unable to shake off the memory of Tamlin slamming the door shut in front of me. Tamlin getting in my face and yelling so harshly at me. Tamlin losing his temper so much that it frightened me what he might do standing so close.

Homework went forgotten. I ignored dad when he called up the stairs to my room in the attic that he’d made dinner. I wasn’t hungry. Food just didn’t seem… important.

I nestled in the corner of my room hugging my knees to my chest. The walls were still blank and the thought of painting them as I’d wanted to was now unbearable.

This wasn’t right. I wasn’t right.

I was breaking - maybe even already broken beyond repair.

But I had to try.

By the time I got to Ianthe’s, I could barely drive. I probably should have called someone. Her front yard was a mess of parked cars. The entire Newspaper staff was likely invited and from the sounds of celebration going on inside, it seemed she had already announced her co-editors.

No one answered my knock on the door, so I let myself in. People milled about everywhere and while it wasn’t a booming sound, music played distantly in the background.

Lucien sat on one of the couches with a cup in his hand. He was laughing - the happiest I’d seen him in weeks - chatting amiably with a brunette when he looked over and spotted me. His face went still as death and I recognized the look. I’d worn it too many times myself.

Fear.

I scanned the room and reached the conclusion at the same time Lucien saw it dawn on my face. He shot up in a hurry, but I moved down the hall.

There were too many doors. Ianthe’s house wasn’t multi-storied like most of the upper class mansions in this ridiculous city, but the layout of her lone floor stretched on forever. I could hear Lucien shouting after me.

The first two rooms were empty and the third was a bathroom, but on the fourth I struck gold.

“Feyre, don’t!”

I swung the door open into the dimly lit room. It was too dark for me to see properly, but my other senses took over. I could smell them together - scented the sweat collecting between them. I could feel it too. That tension between them as they moved? It was palpable.

Worst of all perhaps, I could hear it. The sound of skin on skin. The smack of lips sucking and nipping to tease and delight. The crinkle of sheets tangling between their legs.

The groan emanating from Ianthe’s lips as he pressed into her…

My body started shaking. I fumbled against the wall looking for the switch. Lucien collided into me with a whispered admonishment, but the force of him knocked me further and I found the light.

Tamlin and Ianthe were nothing like I’d imagined in the five seconds I’d stood in the dark. They were a million times worse. In the moments between the lights coming on and the realization dawning on Tamlin as Ianthe writhed beneath him, I saw her face - saw how her mouth parted and her eyes squeezed shut with delight and it wrecked me.

Rage replaced the guilt and grief that had ushered me over.

“Feyre,” Tamlin said, all movement ceasing. We stared at each other and I was vaguely aware of the party coming to a standstill behind me. The world was so silent when it came to a standstill. Tamlin’s lips trembled, his chest heaved. He looked down at Ianthe who was clutching the muscles of his arms.

He moved to get off the bed and I stepped back. “Fey?”

My blood boiled. I never wanted to hear my name like that from him again. “Congratulations,” I said keeping a tight leash on my self-control. “I see you got the job. I’m glad all the hours were worth it.”

“Feyre, please.”

“No.” My muscles shook, but I wouldn’t give myself away - not yet. “We’re through.”

“Feyre.”

The sheets pooled at his feet as he stepped off the bed. “We’re through.” I slammed the door in his face - an eye for an eye.

I’d forgotten about Lucien, didn’t even hear him running after me until he had to physically stop me and turn me around outside my car and I shoved him roughly. He looked horrible and I didn’t care.

“Did you know?” I asked. I already knew the answer, but I wanted to hear it from him. “Did you know?” I asked a second time. Lucien closed his mouth and I could see his throat clench as he swallowed his anxiety.

“Yes, Feyre. I knew.”

And it all made sense. All those weeks over summer of fighting and biting comments building between the two of them, Lucien’s warning me about Tamlin after Rhys offered me a spot on SBC, the way he and Tamlin barely seemed like friends anymore. Shit, even the night I went to Lucien’s party and he insisted on finding Tamlin himself. Was that because he’d been with her even then?

Tamlin was never obsessed with making co-editor or maybe he was, but it was only one small part of it. He’d been sleeping with her all along.

Was I to assume every late night he blew me off was so he could go and see her instead? Was every staff meeting just an excuse to cozy up to her more? Did he love her?

I decided I didn’t want to know. Lucien froze my car door as I opened it and I snapped at him, “Don’t you dare!” He stumbled back. I’d never yelled at him before. Not once.

“Feyre,” he pleaded, his voice dry. “What did you expect?”

“I expected you to tell me, Lucien! And if you think shooting him dirty glares and giving me cryptic messages about talking to him counts, you’re insane. I mean, for goodness sake, I knew you didn’t particularly care for me, but I thought we were better friends than this.”

“We were - we are. I only-”

“Don’t. Don’t even try to justify it. We’re done. I just want to go home.”

But as I drove away trying not to look at Lucien’s miserable face, I realized this was an outright lie. The further I got from Ianthe’s house, the more the picture of her naked pressed up against Tamlin burned into my mind. The more the tears came fast and hot on my cheeks, burning my eyes as they went.

I felt everything.

I felt the way Tamlin had looked at me like he knew he should be sorry, but he wasn’t.

I felt the way Lucien had startled off the couch, panicked I would discover the truth the I deserved to know.

I felt the way Nesta had thrown the horrible reality of my dad’s situation in my face.

I felt the way every bottle he drank drained me of a little more light.

I felt the way mom yelled at me to get out of her way as she closed the door - said the sight of me with dad made her sick.

I felt how truly alone I’d been for months turning away the only good company offered and clinging to all the bad.

I was in a hole hanging on to the last roots of the earth dug into the sides, dirt caking underneath my fingernails and making me feel dirty for clinging on. If I stepped down any further, there would be no climbing out. I would disappear forever and it terrified me.

The only thing that terrified me more was the idea that I wanted to disappear and never return. That epiphany of understanding just how insignificant I was in the universe threatened to crush me. As I drove, I wondered what it would be like if I took my hands off the wheel and just drifted on, let come what may.

Only important people with purpose in their lives were meant to stay, right?

Somehow, I made it to his house in one piece. I rang the doorbell and waited.

Rhys opened the door and his face shattered.

“I need help,” I said.

And then the dam inside me broke open wide and unabated.

xx

#myfic #beneath the stars #beneath the stars: a feysand fic #bts #feysand #feysand fanfiction #feyre #rhysand #acomaf #acomaf fanfiction