#last year i had 5 poems about my own stupid life i understood perfectly well. all were very manageable to explain

[whats-the-story-tc]

9th-11th of September, 2020

"The One with the Fox Mask"

I did remember a couple things that happened in the past few days after all. And today? Whew. You are NOT ready. Here we go.

So on Wednesday, an hour after her class, we were talking about first impressions in another class. I said something like "I remember being afraid of people initially, but then being very positively disappointed when I got to know them." When my teacher asked who I'm talking about, I made it out to be about my friends (which is halfway true), but we all know here that all along, I was talking about V. The woman I knew as "The Fox" in my late middle school years, the woman whose eyes I recognised a part of myself in the year before I first had class with her, the woman I never thought I'd come to love as much as I do. She turned my life upside down, and you know what? I don't mind.

Thursday, we only met briefly, with half a corridor between us, but she had her gaze turned towards my class as she headed somewhere. I waved to her, but she didn't return it, even though she has to have seen me. Oh, well.

That day, afternoon, to be exact, I also met Miss A for a short while (you remember her, right?). She was looking at something, only turned towards me for a second or so, but instantly she smiled so wide when she spotted me that you can't NOT return it. I had training, children to teach, so I couldn't exactly run up to her and chat, but afterwards, I spent the way home thinking about how stark the contrast between A and V is, when it comes to their behaviour towards me.

(For those of you, who might be new here, A is not a teacher crush. She's a former teacher of mine, who I'm still very close to and regard as a mentor figure in regards of performing arts, but also positivity. She's the sweetest person you can imagine, and I really love her, but not the way I love V.)

Also Thursday, my mum offered to get me a new face mask, and when I saw the patterns, I immediately went with the one with foxes. Because... obviously. Yet, I was very nervous to wear it to school on Friday, which is today. I was nervous about what V might say when she sees it, since foxes are her branding, not mine. Still, it took some convincing, but I put it on this morning. And this is where shit hits the fan.

Another meeting from afar, another unreturned wave, though this time, I ran to P.E. before she had the chance to return it, so there's that. Then, like an hour later, it was announced she'd be subbing the class before my double class with her, meaning I'd spend three class periods together. Safe to say, I was over the moon.

Breaktime, I come out of the bathroom. V is at the other sink, washing her hands. I'm wearing my fox mask. All blood froze in my veins as I awkwardly waddled over to the other sink, blabbering an awkward greeting, when I heard: "Your mask is really cool." My face probably went really red under the foxes, but thankfully, I remembered to say thank you. And then I remembered to follow it up with: "I can get you one if you'd like." She asked me where I got it from, I awkwardly tried to explain it, she said she might pop over if I tell her exactly where. Then I got a little brave. I know she loves getting gifts and values them greatly, so I said: "As far as I remember, your birthday is in September, it could be a birthday gift, if you'll have it." (Though I'm not sure I actually said the last part or just wanted to.) She muttered something along the lines of "Another year closer to death" as we reached the classroom she was headed to. In one last desperate attempt to get more of her, I asked if she was really going to sub for us next period, and we spoke about it briefly, confirming a couple details, and that's where it ended.

No wonder I kept randomly bursting into smiles while working in the class I went to. I'm not sure now that she understood there and then that I offered to buy her something, but I was very excited. After all, it's not every day you get to give the Miss V something with a perfectly valid reason.

And the time came for her to sub. She spent the whole class talking to us, listening to our stories and sharing hers, talking gaming with those of us who are just about as experienced as her, and hearing everything. And when I say she heard everything, I meant she heard everything.

I told my friend a story from like three weeks ago, dramatically reenacted, and halfway through I just see V, eyes smiling, leaning forward and asking "What's the story?" (Roll credits.) She wasn't the only one who wanted to hear it, so I had to restart it. I was too nervous to watch her reactions, but probably she enjoyed it. Then, I told my friend another story from the same day (an eventful day spent reading in the park), and when I was finished, all I hear is "That one's good." Lo and behold, V was listening all along. And that wasn't the only time I felt her eyes on me in that class, even if I didn't look at her.

Another interesting thing was when my classmates teased me about being good at Literature, and I got flustered, turning my head towards V and asking: "Miss?" Her eyes were smiling again, but she ended up saying: "I'd rather not say anything right now." As somewhat of a teacher/coach/authority figure over younger children myself, now I understand why she said that. I know I'm good and so does she. But if you start praising one's abilities to the others, they might feel inferior. That's why praise is always one-on-one. And V is awesome at these things. As much as I crave her praise, I reminded myself: "Remember why you fell for her? Because she is always fair and honest. She knows her shit."

Other than these, me and my friend showed her memes, she told us about when our extracurriculars will be (Thursdays, when we wouldn't normally meet, so I'm satisfied), one time I avoided swearing by saying "I'm not gonna finish that here" and she countered it with "It's not like we don't know what you were going to say" and yeah. It was an interesting class, to say the least, but the most fun I've had in any class this year.

Double V class. First time around, we started with a promised test about a story we had to read for today. Once again, V was staring. She saw I was in trouble, and I noticed she was looking. We made eye contact, then she got up from the desk she took a seat on and announced "Don't overthink Question 5, guys, it's way simpler than you think." Thanks. Helpful. I wrote something in the end, but I'm not at all sure if it was right.

There are two things I noticed during this first period. One, the tattoos on her back. I've caught a glance of them before, though I'm not sure I ever told you the story, but I've never seen them so clearly. I won't tell you what they are, as I don't know exactly and I don't want to say something stupid, but it was a most pleasing moment. Two, no matter where in the classroom I might be sitting, she will look at me while talking. She's not talking to me, not directly, but when she turns her head towards the right half of the class, it's always in my direction. If I sit further from her, she'll look there. Now, that I sat closer, only two-three meters or so away from her, she turns her head more to the right, so she faces me again. Geez, V. Sunflower much?

We analysed poems, she made snarky comments, I made some unusual connections and she took the time to explain why a certain element is the way it is so I'll understand, it went like any other Literature class, to be honest. I even got another "I'm done with those boys, help" gaze.

Towards the end of the second (actually, third) class with her, we went into human behaviour, and saying things we don't mean. How people express their condolences, even if they don't actually feel sorry. V also basically explained how she rather doesn't say things she doesn't actually mean. As I said, very honest. Though her "I never did have a heart" comment wasn't true. We all know she does have one. And I think nobody in that class knows it more than me.

After class, we had this brief convo about keyboards and autocorrect as she waited for the bell to let us go, and... yeah. That was it.

I bought her the mask, it's on my desk with a post-it saying "[Last name]'s", so I don't confuse it with mine. And now I absolutely can't wait for Monday first period to give it to her. I can't wait to see those eyes.

Wear your masks, stay safe and remember: sometimes taking risks works out in your favour. It's worth a try.

~ S ♡

[Every story I share here, no matter how specific I get with my wording, depicts actual events from my own life.]

#tc #tcc #teacher crush community #female tc #female teacher crush