#kotu.doc

[gayairbud]

spotify needs to include a functionality where i can link to an essay explaining each song choice i put on character playlists. just putting abbey on the anakin playlist is not enough. i need a google doc.

#theres only ONE mitski song u should be putting on ur anakin playlist and its abbey send tweet /j #/hj actually. maybe even a little /srs. #its ok i see ppl putting like 7 taylor swift songs on their anakin playlists clearly ppl r just gonna do whatever they want #kotu.doc

[gayairbud]

get obscenely high and walk into kroger at 8pm with crocodile rock blasting into ur airpods at top volume for an out of body experience

#was originally going to say ‘sure fire cure to social anxiety’ but that felt….IRRESPONSIBLE….. #kotu.doc #drugs cw

[gayairbud]

torn between how little i want a high school reunion bc then i have to look at people and wanting one so desperately so i can be like yea i unsubscribed to having a gender yea i draw mens tits yea i got published in a medical journal after exactly 0 days of medical school whats not clicking

#like the euphoria of getting to shake hands 'same hat!' style w all my hs beloveds who also said no thanks to gender #vs having to like. speak to people #kotu.doc

[gayairbud]

pov i send u my anakin playlist and its just cry for judas 45 times in a row

#it’s not but honestly it should be #yes i have an anakin playlist obviously i have an anakin playlist #kotu.doc

[gayairbud]

genuinely i deserve a medal for not responding to my boss asking why i was calling out with “because u piss me off thats why”

#if ur my employer this is all happening in minecraft hope this helps <3 #kotu.doc #i will not be elaborating it would take too long #HOWEVER! does this qualify for the coded tag

[gayairbud]

me: im ok

my brain: u can pinpoint the exact moment that it truly hits cas that dean is sending him to his death and hes still gonna go willingly

#this has been haunting me for no less than 2 weeks and i finally had to make a post abt it i cant take it anymore #spn #kotu.doc #im gonna start biting idk who im biting but im biting

[gayairbud]

ok but we can all acknowledge that dean “this is cas’ room that i gave to him so that he can stay if he wants to but he never stays because he doesnt want to” and cas “this is the spare room that i am allowed to use when dean and sam have no choice but to let me stay here because they need me to do something for them” both being true is absolutely what happened here right 

#they are so stupid i hate th #spn #kotu.doc #cas meta

[gayairbud]

cas NEEDS to do more freaky weird shit im literally on my hands and knees begging you to realize that this man absolutely 100% walks around the bunker with earbuds constantly in his ears and when dean finally asks him what the fuck hes listening to all the time, cas hands him an earbud and its just high pitched screechy static with white noise 

#kit if u see me post this do Not perceive that its like verbatim what i just said to u on discord ok #i just think it needs to be said! i want that man to be a freak its his right #hes not human hes an angel LET HIM DO FREAKY SHIT #anyway. its to replace angel radio if that was... unclear #kotu.doc #spn #cas meta

[gayairbud]

me thinking i can act normal vs dean making this face in heaven cant wait

#FEELING SHRIMP EMOTIONS RN DONT @ ME #disease that makes me attracted to dean winchester is flaring up 😔 #spn #kotu.doc

[gayairbud]

the thing that really gets me about cas being erased in the finale is like. so much of his development was about his self worth and how little he has. even when he started out righteous and (moderately) full of himself (side note here that all the times cas gets taken down by his own pride it was only pride via perceiving himself as useful so jot THAT down) there was always an underlying thread of self-worth issues, barely covered by the fact that he had someone (read: heaven) giving him “purpose” and he could manufacture self-worth from that. and then cas thought dedicating himself to dean, to humanity even, could replace the worth heaven had put on him. but the whole time, cas’ plots were him failing and screwing up and feeling like hes a burden on the people around him and good for nothing and lest we forget the plot thread of him slowly losing his powers, the only thing he had left that he could use to assign any semblance of worth to himself! cas based how much he mattered on what he could do for others and still he continuously got labeled as the one to fuck everything up even to the point of dean saying as much in s15 and then. and then. the writers decide “hey lets have him sacrifice himself to save the person he loves most because surely that is the one thing cas could think of himself doing that was worth anything” and in the end they didnt even make it worth anything. they killed dean off anyway and barely mentioned cas again like he didnt matter and they killed him off in a way that validated all his self hatred and guilt and honestly? im about to start biting

#this is rambly and long but im so sad like they genuinely did him SO DIRTYYYY #it makes me so upset it really does like why couldnt they just let him be happy or deal with his trauma or ANYTHING #spn #kotu.doc #ask to tag bc idk i feel like maybe this post is a little heavy #cas meta

[gayairbud]

me trying to be normal and not applying cas being in denial about his love for dean for years to whatever the Fuck was going on in endverse 

#when you. when y. when youuu HWEN Y. #[head in my hands] #listen nobody ELSE is gonna be annoying about it so #kotu.doc

[gayairbud]

i talk abt endverse cas a lot but truthfully endverse dean makes me BONKERS. theres so much to unpack there. to me cas is pretty easy to understand, hes hungry and hes desperate and hes the kind of person to give in to desire. but endverse dean is like. fuck. what happened. obviously theyre both the “bad ending” version of themselves but like endverse dean hits different. hes so cold. hes so clearly dean and yet he has nothing left that made dean dean. none of the softness, the care, the love; hes just walking around like some kind of.. husk. and i know that sam saying yes to lucifer obviously played the main role in that transformation but something else happened. something else happened to that man to make him like that. past dean is already the king of repression but holy shit when you put him next to endverse dean its like he finally figured out how to turn it all off. fuck me its like he and cas emotionally switched places and i hate it actually.

#i guess maybe this is what people who say endverse cas is ooc are getting at bc endverse dean SEEMS ooc since hes so removed from himself #protip tho: endverse cas is VERY MUCH NOT ooc #anyway im working on fic ch 2 so im rambling ghvnskdjgkhv #kotu.doc #spn

[gayairbud]

the cas punishment thesis is so strong that in on the head of a pin cas immediately jumps to the reason angels are being murdered, if not by demons, is because his garrison specifically (including him) deserves to be punished for failing and losing the war. cas is SO DEEP in this Thing he has about punishment/deserving to be punished, this belief that has been put inside him that “i am failing/doing something wrong/etc” = “punishment” = “i deserve this because i am bad, no other reason” that he projects it onto the entire garrison and assumes this is the only logical conclusion. cas beloved please seek help i am begging y

#i WILL DIE ON THE HILL OF CAS PUNISHMENT THESIS #sorry kit for posting this while u are asleep but. the brainworms #like this is one of the strongest parts of his characterization that quite literally remains true to the very end #spn #kotu.doc #cas meta

[gayairbud]

i dont wanna say too much bc i wanna explore it more in my fic but like. let me just ramble out some incoherent thoughts for a second here

i really do think its interesting when ppl say cas would like.. willingly give up his grace, completely selflessly, for dean. bc to be honest, i dont think he would! i think if the only way to save dean was to give up his grace, cas would do it in a heartbeat; but i dont think he would do it selflessly. he would struggle with it. he would fail to reconcile the knowledge that he had to save dean, that it was the only way, that he would do anything to save dean and would do it again, with the fact that he very much did not want to lose his grace, to lose what made him him (in his eyes) and what made him useful (again, in his eyes). 

like, theres 3 things i know to be true about cas: hubris is and will forever be his downfall, he desperately wants to be selfless but struggles to be entirely so, and being an angel is incredibly important to him (altho its a point of obvious contention given how much its led him to suffer) 

taking endverse cas as my personal favorite example: hes cas at his absolute lowest, rawest, bad end point. given in wholly to his selfish desires, no hope, no longer an angel. he thinks of himself as worthless and clearly regrets the fact that hes become human. canon cas, who hasnt reached that rock bottom, still has these feelings festering, hes just nowhere near giving in to them (or really even aware of them, in any way he could presumably define). but whenever cas is forced to become human, or when his powers are failing, its something that very clearly upsets him (even when he tries to make his peace with it). i think its pretty fair to say that even if he chose to be in a position of no longer having angelic powers, he would be less than thrilled about it, but would likely feel like he had to give that up because he doesnt see himself as worth anything other than whatever he can sacrifice for others. 

all that to say i think if cas ended up in a position where he sacrificed his grace to save dean, it wouldnt be this grand gesture that ends with cas becoming human and happily living out his days with dean on an “even playing field” or whatever. cas would be resentful about feeling “forced” to give up his grace, but guilty about being resentful because he really chose to do it and it was to save dean, and ashamed to be struggling with reconciling all this in the first place. because to him, the answer should be easy: what reason could i possibly have to not sacrifice every last ounce of myself to save dean winchester?

#and then BOOM: endverse cas #anyway i think hes in character i just think maybe the show didnt handle it as well as they could have (shocker) #but its fine bc im writing a fic (supposedly) and hopefully if its any good then it'll do a decent job of exploring that #kotu.doc #cas meta

[gayairbud]

if dean not in love with cas then why 5x04 “you mean you’re going to feed your friends into a meat grinder? cas, too?”

#i will never not be insane over this like WHY IS CAS A SEPARATE CATEGORY #WHY CAS NOT PART OF FRIENDS IF DEAN NOT IN LOVE WITH CAS #spn #kotu.doc

[gayairbud]

EXCESSIVE crowstiel brainworms tonight. how did cas not jump crowleys bones at the end of tmwwbk when crowley frees him from the holy fire. the tension is palpable. his boyfriend just broke up with him and they didnt even get to second base. theres no way theres NO way he got that close to crowley and told him to shut up without them hooking up over it. theres just no way. they fucked. cas is mad about it but they fucked. im truthing tonight.

#minors dni #IM JUST SAYING. IM JUST SAYING #also i tried very hard to watch tmwwbk but i Could Not i simply cant make it thru that ep #i wasnt kidding when i said it turns me into uncooked dough #i did watch some of the crowstiel bits tho. as a treat. #i want to draw crowstiel so Fucking bad now but i gotta draw these boards (derogatory) #kotu.doc