#knottykiwi

[knottykiwi]

I am sorry but this image is so burned into my head that I prioritize being this skinny over school, work, and my overall health. I am sweating my ass off everyday walking, jogging, doing cardio and using weights. My hair is thinning, my throat is burning from puking, and I look dead. But I do not care. I want this dream body so badly, and I will get it no matter the loss. So what if I cut some years off my life? We are here for a short time not a long time. **I am not encouraging anyone to not eat or do what I am doing, this is just a personal post to get rid of my anger**

#knottykiwi #personal #personal post #proana #ana #anorexia #binge eating #starving self #im starving #weightloss #anger #stressed #depressed #hair loss #dieting #over exercising

[knottykiwi]

I have a tiktok im tryna grow and post weightloss pics on, would y’all be interested?

#knottykiwi #personal post #weight loss #weightloss #eating disoder things #personal #weight #fat #i have shitty mental health i am sorry #venting

[knottykiwi]

Just ate a piece of chicken with some mashed potatoes because my period cravings kicked in and I am feeling extreme food guilt. I am gonna have to puke this up, it’s making me feel so bloated and fucking fat. I can feel every inch of my skin after eating stretch and bloat into this fat fucking piece of shit human being. I only ate to get rid of the craving and lightheadedness but is it even worth it if this is the price I pay? Fuck that, I’ll take the light headed feeling like a champ now. 

#knottykiwi #eating #food #dieting #exercise #over exercising #proana #ed #eating disorder #eating disoder things #food guilt #puking #weight #summer body #fat #gross #anxiety #stressed #food stress #personal post

[knottykiwi]

From January 5th, 2021 to March 2nd, 2021 I have lost 15(LBS)!! If I continue my calorie cutting and other methods of weight loss I will be where I want to be by the middle of summer and definitely be a overall happier person. I can’t wait to feel weightless and go into a mall knowing anything and everything I look at could fit ME and accommodate ME because I will be the norm. I will be skinny and thriving, I will actually have a appreciation for life again, you know? I am staying hopeful for my future, this will be MY year!! 

#knottykiwi #personal #personal post #diary #diary entry #dieting #diet life #proana #ana #calorie counting #summer body #summer #eating disoder things #eating disorder #ED

[knottykiwi]

It sucks when I am mentally ill and trying to navigate my life while also getting told I should ‘know better’ about posting or talking to people about my trauma, ED, purging, etc. Like I am not a girl with tons of fans or social media presence?? I should be able to post freely how I am feeling or if I am suffering or what new ED diet I am on this month. I never claimed I was a good person or saint, I have made multiple fuckups in life and will continue to do so? It’s a cycle in life, and maybe if people were less harsh on those suffering then us people who suffer wouldn’t be so defensive or bitter or alone??

#knottykiwi #personal post #weight loss #weightloss #eating disoder things #personal #weight #fat #i have shitty mental health i am sorry #venting

[knottykiwi]

I want to start working soon. I applied for some job positions online today and it was honestly hard for me to do. I had to put my pride aside and apply for jobs at places I assumed I was ‘too good’ to work at; shit hours, shit pay, shit benefits. But I desperately need money because money is like a type of fuel for me. It motivates me and drives me to do better in life. Study harder, exercise endlessly, look more presentable, sleep less and live more. I need to find a purpose again, I am hanging on by pure, uncontrollable anxiety. I eat just to puke it up, I exercise to feel the burn but its replaced by a huge knot in my stomach now. I feel nothing and everything at the same time. So close to quitting and saying ‘fuck it’ to every problem in my life but my pride prevents me from doing that; I always have one foot out the door before I spin on my heel and head back in saying ‘oh, and one more thing before I go!’

I want to lock that door, push furniture in front of it or board it up.

 I want to find a reason to stay.

#knottykiwi #personal post #venting #blogging #blog post #depressed #looking for drive #life #diary #diary entry

[knottykiwi]

Started back up my dieting and exercise!! Doing walking and at-home workouts so I can build up some muscle to go back to jogging. I wanna get to that 90-100LB weight I always dreamed of so I can wear cute clothes, be happier and overall just enjoy every aspect of my life more. Will post before/after photos when I feel comfortable with my body like that, once I see the progress with my own eyes!! 

#knottykiwi #personal #personal post #proana #ana #dieting #exercise #weightloss #weight #weight loss #venting #new chapter #diet

[knottykiwi]

It is so hard to make friends anymore, especially the older you get. I need that Facetiming, texting, voice message type friendship. Memes, sharing music, talking childhood traumas and video games. Snapchatting me while ur on the toilet taking a shit, ugly crying selfies with the peace sign, no barriers type stuff. I also never stfu and dont have my life together so would be great if they matched my lack of life skills. Random TikToks that are actually funny not someone saying ‘poop’ or falling and everyone dies laughing like that aint even funny im straight faced deadass no cap.jpg. Legit had someone tell me I am ‘too hyper’ for sending them a snapchat of me doing the Christina Aguilera singing run things she does and pretending I was youtube vlogging my meal like ok shawty; she was a VSCO ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ type girl I shoulda known. You lack good mental health? Me too. You are poor as fuck and wear shitty TShirts of places youve legit never eaten at? Me as well. IDK what this post is even saying at this point omg ignore delete.

#ranting #venting #friends #lack of friends #looking for friends #music #video games #knottykiwi #personal post #wtf is this #wtf is wrong with me #I have shitty mental health I am sorry #why am I so manic all the time #god help me #lawdyyyy

[knottykiwi]

I need a diet buddy ): someone between the ages of 22-30 who I can talk to over either here or Snapchat that can help me keep motivated. Anyone interested?

#diet buddy #weightloss #knottykiwi #personal post #weight gain #weight loss #eating disoder things #fat #losing weight #water #proana #anareixa #ana

[knottykiwi]

Pull up to the mirror, staring at my face Gotta chop-chop all the extra weight I've been carrying for 8669 days

#knottykiwi #selena gomez lyrics #but the days are since birth #cause im a fatass #and need to #lose #this #weight #weight loss #wtf is wrong with me #losing weight #current weight #proana #dieting

[knottykiwi]

Good Morning!! 10:37AM bike ride anyone?

#knottykiwi #personal post #weight loss #weightgain #current weight #proana #water #eating disoder things #fat #losing weight #ranting #weight gain #relatable?

[knottykiwi]

710 calories for a corn muffin? Girl looks like this is my only meal for the day

#knottykiwi #personal post #weight loss #losing weight #weight gain #weightloss #current weight #eating disoder things #ranting #fat

[knottykiwi]

I’ve been snacking on pumpkin seeds and coffee but let me tell you these poops are the equivalent of giving birth to a small child

#knottykiwi #personal post #weight loss #losing weight #weight gain #weightloss #current weight #eating disoder things #ranting #fat

[knottykiwi]

Gotta love when your body dysphoria is slowly eating at the very few sanity you have left. I feel fat, every pound on my body I can physically feel on me and I can feel it weighing me down. I am grotesque, I am obese, I am a fat FAT fucking mess. I had a breakdown and cut off like 4-5inches of my hair, it is shoulder length now. I purposely got this cut so I would be FORCED to look at the fat on my face and do something about it, I cant hide behind my long hair anymore. I hate my body, my face, my brain. I was in a crisis center again and spent a weekend there after my brother walked in on me trying to kill myself. Schizophrenia is kicking my ass right now. How much longer am I going to suffer? 

#knottykiwi #personal post #blog #blog post #diary entry #eating #weight loss #body #body dysmorphic disorder #body dysmorphia #crisis center #suicidal #suicide #haircut #DIY Haircut #short hair #shoulder length hair #long hair #emotional #breakdown #proana #ana #anorexik

[knottykiwi]

I’ve been eating 500 calories or less a day. Today and yesterday I had 300 calories. I could not even type this out properly, my brain is mush. I am nauseous, my head is pounding, I am light headed. But it has gotten to a point where even the thought of eating or taking a bite of food makes me feel ill, I can’t turn back. I do not advise anyone to take on my habits, I just like to journal as I go along.

#ana #anorexia #eating disorder #eating #disorder #knottykiwi #personal post #personal #diary entry #diary #post #calorie counting #weight loss #nausea #vomiting #sleeping #eating disoder things #fat #losing weight

[knottykiwi]

Im baaaack!! After multiple mental health breakdowns and weight gain over quarantine I am happy to say I am back on my ana bullshit with new tips/tricks for weight loss. Tomorrow I start my new diet of around 10-12 glasses of water a day with a meal every other day. Will return back with updates as I see improvement, hope everyone is being safe during their quarantine..Much love xx

#ana #proana #dieting #weight loss #weightloss #weight gain #weightgain #diet #water #measuring meals #personal post #knottykiwi