To Get Back on Your Feet
pairing: Kita Shinsuke x Reader
genre: angst themes, comfort
word count: ~2.3k
summary: where did it go? all the enjoyment. i’m sad again. don’t tell my boyfriend, it’s not what he’s made for.
cw: mentions of mental illness — unspecified, self indulgent me writing something to comfort myself
a/n: i’ve been in a really bad place and not taking care of myself well— i’m getting better slowly but @/s-hokos made a joke she’d sic kita on me and it made me think of this <3
14 min ago: Are you sure you’re okay y/n?
16 min ago: Are you sure you’re okay y/n?
You sighed at Atsumu’s text as it buzzed yet again on the 2 minute mark, blinking at it a few times before closing your phone without fully opening it. You didn’t want to lie to him. He didn’t deserve that. Sure he was overbearing a lot, but he really did care. All your friends did.
You knew your phone was full of unopened and/or unanswered messages. You wanted to reply, some part of you did. But you didn’t want them to worry if you said you were sad or if you were less enthusiastic with your texts. And you felt so bad if you faked it, like you were lying to their faces. Better to not answer.
You hadn’t moved in days. You weren’t sure what day it even was. Only dragging yourself out of your little cocoon of blankets to go to the bathroom when you really couldn’t ignore it anymore. Your little cat was confused about the new situation, she still got her food on time and she got more cuddles than she was used to. But every time your chest would shake she looked up at you with a small head tilt of concern. Jumping down from fright when sobs would leave your throat.
There was a hollow feeling that settled in your bones now. An emptiness rattling just under your skin. You could count on one hand how many meals you’d had in the past week. Your apartment was just big enough for you and your cat, the only two who currently resided there. But at the moment, it was too quiet without the constant buzzing of your tv, idle background noise of half-paid-attention-to shows streamed to it.
It was the only thing you’d done in the past week. Watch streamed shows from your position in bed. You’d chosen shows you didn’t have to fully pay attention to, an aid to not realizing hours had passed until you finally acknowledged that the bit of sunlight you could see through your curtains had disappeared and then appeared again.
You hadn’t even really slept, more like small naps here and there. The same clothes on your body from a week ago, and your hair visibly knotted despite the hair tie you’d put in to try and ignore it.
The sound of your phone buzzing again next to your head caught your attention.
10 min ago: Y/n, I’m worried about you. None of us have barely heard from you in days.
Now: Y/n, if we don’t hear from you, we’re gonna call Kita. We’re worried.
You grabbed your phone quickly to reply. Don’t tell Shinsuke. It’s okay, I’ll be okay. Don’t tell him, it’s not big enough of a deal for him to worry about.
Kita Shinsuke. The only person you had actively been lying to. Your long-distance boyfriend. You’d been trying to make him believe everything was okay. To show him you were okay on your own and you didn’t need help.
It was only a few hours drive from where your little apartment was situated to where your boyfriend lived. Shinsuke’s home was supposed to your home. As soon as you had gotten your career on track. Your career that was currently on a pause. A scheduled time where you had no schedule. No routine that you craved. And in return, the spiral had started. Until all there was, was the blankets surrounding you and the loss of time.
You were sure your phone had buzzed again but you couldn’t be bothered to pick it up again. Zoning back into the show on your screen. It was the middle of the night anyways. You sighed again, sleep tugging on your eyes as your phone buzzed again. You’d let the message notification repeats play out on their own. You couldn’t bother to try and open your eyes again as you let your tiredness take you.
The soft light of the early morning filtered through your blinds when you woke up. The sky was gray enough for you to understand that the sun hadn’t even risen yet. Your tv was still buzzing, soft chatter from the characters on a tv show you’d seen countless times before. The whirring of your fan going.
You glanced at your phone, a message from Shinsuke waiting for you.
30 min ago: Good morning, how is my love today?
You paused as you opened it, fingers hovering over the letters to confess your feelings but changing your mind. I’m a little sleepy, but I’m okay. How is the morning so far?
You set your phone back down, tucked under one of the pillows as you stared at your tv. You felt alone. You weren’t completely blameless in that, refusing to reach out. But you refused to be someone else’s problem. You would talk again when you were happier. You were in no rush to text Shinsuke back again. He was used to you not replying much in the early hours. And it was barely 5am now. You could afford some gaps in response time.
~~~~~
You barely remembered falling back asleep. You woke with a sudden jerk, your body recoiling from a soft touch to your cheek where your face barely peeked out of the blankets.
“M’love?” Your vision was staticky as you took in the form that spoke. A blurry version of Shinsuke knelt in front of you. You were sure you were dreaming that he was there. A nice dream and you sighed, wishing he was really there.
“M’love. I know yer ‘wake.” His voice was clearer now and the warmth on your cheek suddenly registered as he cupped it softly, his touch palm against your skin.
You blinked your eyes open then, tears you didn’t give permission to suddenly gathering along your lashes as you took him in. “Sh-Shin?” You hated how hoarse your voice sounded, the noise cracking under the pressure of your own words. “You’re here?”
His voice was soft as he kneeled by your bed, his thumb brushing over your cheek, trying to coax you out of the blankets you’d surrounded yourself with. “Atsumu called me las’ night. I got the message this mornin’.”
“I told him not to bother you.” You grumbled, hugging your pillow closer to yourself, soft shame filing into the emptiness that had become your body.
“S’not botherin’ me baby,” Shinsuke sighed, a softness filling his eyes, trying to hold back his own sadness of seeing you like this. Of not being here to help you like he wanted to. “How long s’it been like this baby?” He was referring to your current state, something he was familiar with, the hopeless-feeling state you’d found yourself in where you couldn’t figure out where to start to get better.
You shrugged. You weren’t completely sure. “Maybe a week.” You whispered. “I’m sorry.” Your apology was muffled by your pillow as you bit into it, trying to not sob in front of him. Hatred for what you’d been doing—or not doing—filling you up.
“Don’t apologize m’love.” Shinsuke’s fingers brushed your tears gently, pushing the blanket back to get a better look at you. “We can start slow, ‘kay?” You looked up at him, confused eyes brushing his figure as he began to stand up. “Will ya let me help, please?”
You were slow to nod. But once you did, his hands were pushing the blanket from your body. “How ‘bout sittin’ up first, ‘kay?” You nodded along numbly, the tears slowing as he guided you into a sitting position. “Ya have t’sit on yet own ‘kay? I’ll be right back.” You watched him disappear off to the bathroom from your slouched position. Blinking dazedly as you watched him return with a hair brush.
He was gentle as he sat behind you, his fingers patiently untangling the hair tie from your hair, careful to not tug on your hair too hard. You were both quiet as he worked, ends to root and back again, gently brushing out the knots in your hair, you winced more at the sound your hair made than the actual feeling of it. Soft apologies came from his lips every time he thought he tugged on your hair too hard, which just made you feel worse. Feeling awful for not being able to take care of yourself and relying on him.
A soft kiss to the top of your head was what made you realize when he was finally done. “How about a shower? When was the last time you showered?” You swallowed hard and he sighed, climbing from behind you as he held his arms out to help you up. “One step at a time baby. I’ll start one for you.”
You let yourself be pulled up into his arms and quietly followed him to the bathroom, standing awkwardly in the doorway as he fiddled with the knobs of the shower and found the proper temperature. He neared you again, the sound of the water now drowning out your tv from the other room. He cupped your face gently, pressing a gentle kiss to your cheek before exiting the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.
You sighed as you stared at the water. Guilting yourself into undressing and stepping under the water, because if you didn’t then it would be wasting his efforts.
You were quiet as you stood there, the water hitting your hair and gliding down your back it was warm but not too hot. Shinsuke had kept it cooler than you would have made it, you were used to the temperature being hot enough to turn your skin a different shade but Shinsuke had been careful to avoid that temperature, settling for just warm enough.
You don’t know how long you stood there before you finally brought your hands up to your hair, ensuring that it was completely wet before reaching for your shampoo. Your scalp itched and burned a bit from the buildup of dirt, and you breathed a little deeper when you finally felt relief shampooing a second time. You were on autopilot as you continued your shower, conditioner being massaged into your hair and body wash on your skin. You’d caught yourself with your face under the water for a bit before you shook yourself out of it, a reminder that Shinsuke was waiting for you.
Your body ached as you stepped out of the shower, wrapping on of your towels around yourself as your hair dripped on your skin. You tried to not look in the mirror, not wanting to see the bags under your red eyes.
Stepping out of the bathroom, the first thing you noted was your stripped bed. Shinsuke had taken your sheets and bedding out of your room and left a set of clean pajamas on your bed instead. You blinked, frozen in place for a second. It was still morning but he’d still picked out pajamas instead of regular clothes for you. You sniffed, brushing away unwelcome tears as you pulled on the clothes left for you.
You could hear your washer spinning around as you passed the closet it resided in, walking your way out to the kitchen. You were quiet as you took in Shinsuke piling a small amount of food onto a plate.
“I only made a small amount, ya can eat what ya can. Don’ know when ya ate last or how much an ap’tite ya got.” You sniffled softly as he turned to lean against the counter, taking you in as he sipped on a coffee. You were trying to make yourself as small as possible against the door frame, curling in on yourself as the pain in your stomach rumbled. You were trying to decipher if it was hunger or nausea and settled on both. “D’ya wanna talk ‘bout it?”
You shook your head softly and he nodded in acceptance. He waved you to join him on the couch, picking your plate up for you as he went. You sat quietly next to him and watched as he placed the plate on your lap. You stared down at it, wet hair still dripping on your skin due to your neglect to properly dry it.
“A couple bites a’leas’ please.” Shinsuke mumbled as he brushed back your hair from your ear. He pressed a kiss to your temple as you picked up your utensils off the plate. “I’ll put on a movie, ‘kay? Ya can nap durin’ it if ya want an’ I’ll be here when ya wake up ‘gain.” You looked up at him in confusion then.
“Doesn’t that go against getting me out of bed? Shouldn’t I do more?” You questioned? Feeling like the small progress you’d made wasn’t enough.
Shinsuke smiled softly at you, his eyes trailing his hand as he ran it fondly over the top of your head. “Yer eatin’ what’s—I’m guessin’—yer first homemade meal in a week. Ya showered and got out of yer bed fer the first time in a week.” You felt the shame curl up into your throat again, setting your eyes downcast. “Hey,” he lifted your chin gently so you could look at him, “that’s a step, it’s progress. S’not easy to get back on yer feet.”
“But-”
“But nothin’ m’love.” He interrupted you, kissing your temple again. “We can do more t’morrow. S’more than ‘nough fer t’day.” You couldn’t help the small amount of tears in your eyes, his thumb catching them as they fell. “Progress is progress. Small steps are important. Don’ push yerself. Don’ overwhelm yerself. I’m still gon’ be here.” You sniffled again, putting down the dish so you could fall into his arms, reveling in the comfort he gave.
Three things you did today that you couldn’t yesterday. Small steps to get back on your feet.
a/n: asking for help is hard and i usually don’t. i’m trying to get better. getting up again after being down is really hard too. one step at a time. sometimes it’s a two steps forward one step back kind deal…but progress is progress. any progress is good
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HALLWAY CRUSH SUNA RINTAROU
Suna is the hallway crush.
Yes, the one you and your friends have a code name for.
You walk through the packed hallways alongside your friends, yet never seem to miss the way Suna leans against the lockers during conversation with the rest of the team. Of course he was with the famous twins and the strong Aran (whom your friend preferred), but you were always attracted to the chill expression spread on his face that was emphasized with his hands dug through his pockets. You had his somewhat slender figure memorized and could spot him from anywhere, even in the throngs of people melting in the hot sun at the pep rallies. God, how bad you wanted to talk to him, the fake scenarios you made up late at night centered around flirting with him replaying in your head.
The one class of the day you actually liked happened to be the only one he shared with you. Ogling was a common practice of yours—so common even that you started taking pictures of him in secret to share the feeling with your friends. Now, you had an immediate reply with an image or video to the message “Lemme see.” In class, while you were walking, anything. The feeling of going home and absolutely giggling to yourself, maybe even sharing a few words to whatever god was up there to bring a chance upon you was honestly kinda fun. You swore you didn’t have a crush on him, but luckily, your friends believe it’s okay to lie.
That was obviously until one time you looked away with your arms crossed on the table, phone between them and your chest, camera open. You started recording and moving around innocently, pretending to be texting, but was actually angling the camera right at the man sitting on the desk. He was on his phone too, slumped. It was fine until he clicked it off and turned around mindlessly, then yellow-ish eyes met yours.
You turned your phone off quick but tried to still appear texting so he’d look away. His eyebrows furrowed in question, but nonetheless he brushed it off and chuckled. Once he looked away your lips went tight with a smile and your eyes widened in chagrin. Close one.
On Suna’s side, he undeniably sees you. You weren’t necessarily popular based on fame, but you were well known throughout the school from gradual friendliness over the years. One day he’d walk up to you one on one—as foretold he should do by Kita—and introduce himself to you for real.
You were turned around going over something most likely fatuous at a school football game. You sat in the relatively full bleachers before your friend’s eyes bulged with shock. You continue to talk nonetheless, assuming she’s entertained by your story, but when she looks between you and something lurking behind your body, the interesting sight catches your curiosity. Suna meets your eyes in the seat above, casually listening to the conversation as if he was apart of it.
Your face almost drops to your ass.
“Holy shit-! hi. You scared me.” You clench your beating heart.
“My bad. Just thought it would be more polite to meet my secret admirer in person. How is she by the way?” He sits with his elbows supported by his thighs and his hands flaccid in the middle while he leans forward casually.
“She’s okay,” you respond. Then when he smiles knowingly at you and your friend turns around with her head in her palm, the comment processes and a tint of red spreads through your face, “wait what? I’m not-”
“Glad to hear she’s doing well.”
“Whatever.”
he laughs and it’s absolutely gorgeous.
“You seem to know her, what’s her name?”
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Their reaction when you fake an orgasm
Fandom: Multi Fandom
Pairings: Various Characters X Gn!reader
Genre: Smut
Format: Scenario
Warnings: NSFW content, Not Proofread
Word Count: 0.3K
A/n: the page goes blank while im writing one more time and me and tumblr are gonna have a problem =|
youre under him, your feet pressed on your belly as hes pounding into you harshly. you arent really in the mood for it today but you dint want to turn him down, and you also know that he wont let go of you unless you cum; therefore, you decide to do something you have never done in your life before, which is faking as orgasm. you start loudenning your moans as you shake your legs, pretending like youre cumming; but unfortunately, he knows you too much to fall for that, so he notices this.
↬ok this guy is mad, and when i say he's mad, i mean it. hes like "bitch! im getting my ass kicked giving you pleasure, and then you go and do this!? so what? am i not good enough to you?"
hes so upset that he might just pull out of you and start jerking himself up in front of your eyes. and dont you even dare touch yourself! or else you wont be seeing him naked for months.
yup! thats how upset he is.
Bungou Stray Dogs:Kunikida(he thinks its a shameful action but hes pissed so who gives a shit), Chuuya Nakahara (mad baby), Akutagawa, Tachihara, Ranpo( petty boy hehe)
Death Note:Light (god bless your soul, your names written in the damn book after this), Mello
The Case Study Of Vanitas:Vanitas (idk why but i always picture him getting mad in these situations)
Jujutsu Kaisen:Megumi (hehe)
Haikyuu:Tsukishima (was literally thinking of him while writing this, Kageyama, Sugawara (only if he had a bad day), Kenma (another petty baby), Atsumu, Iwaizumi, Kunimi
↬well hes not exactly happy! i mean, oh really? so thats how it works now huh? ok then! prepare yourself Belladonna!
hes a tease, and he found the perfect opportunity, so why not teach you a lesson?
prepare yourself to be fucked up real bad, without reaching any orgasms.
he goes down on you real quick while focusing on your sensitive parts with his hands, and when your legs start shaking for real this time and youre about to reach your cervix?immediately stops whatever hes doing and smirks at the sight of you being frustrated while begging him to let you cum.
Bungou Stray Dogs:Dazai (i literally said belladonna in the text), Fyodor, Mori, Kajii, Tachihara
Death Note:L Lawliet, Also Mello
The Case Study Of Vanitas:Roland (will let you cum eventually tho)
Jujutsu Kaisen:Itadori, Sukuna, Geto, Gojo
Haikyuu:Tsukishima, Daichi, Sugawara, Kuroo, Tendou, Osamu holy fuck, Suna motherfucking Rintarou, Oikawa, Iwaizumi, Kunimi
↬boy is shocked, bur pretends like he didnt notice it, and will tell you that he came too actually, and that you dont need to take care of him and you should just take some rest. but when you do go to sleep hes awake, being sad while thinking to himself how messed up he is in bed that you had to do that, and how youre going to leave him in the future for someone who can give you pleasure for real.
this is so cruel just dont do this to them-
Bungou Stray Dogs:Atsushi (please just be honest with him), Akutagawa (insecure baby), Chuuya, Fukuzawa, Tanizaki
Death Note:Matsuda, Near (is it weird that i see him as a softie...?)
The Case Study Of Vanitas:Noe :')
Haikyuu:Hinata, Kageyama, Yamaguchi, Nishinoya, Asahi, Lev, Bokuto, Akaashi, Ushijima, Kita
Reblogs are appreciated! :)
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Being subtle is questionable (Osakita drabble)
Note: So I made this in a whim from a chat with a dear friend known as BKAK colleague about certain affairs, and I know I have to write this story 😉😉, and this is being my first subtly NSFW story, some discretion would be advised, thank you BKAK colleague to be my bouncing point to my Osakita madness
In Onigiri Miya, it is expected to see the round of gossips from his regulars and new faces, when they munch upon Osamu’s onigiris, it goes simply as one drunken salesman ranting about how shitty how his job is, along with the rounds of draft beer, tourists who flocked by, with their otherwise mediocre Japanese- fumbling over the correct terms of the food, which thankfully one of his quick-witted part-timers managed to navigate through the language barrier thanks to her self-learning Spanish in her free time. (His English is mediocre at best, but he learned it along the way), and young families flocking to Onigiri Miya, which Osamu took the time to high-five every energetic kid that comes by the shop.
However Osamu’s ears perked at the sound of the chime, to see the tanned white haired man Kita, huffing a little from the long journey from driving from his farm to his little restaurant. “Special delivery for Osamu Miya!!”, Osamu monetarily paused his motion of fluffing the rice, running over to Kita, who heaved a little deep breath. “Give me a moment….” He called one of the smaller male part-timers to help him to carry the rice packets.
Osamu’s eyes widened to Kita peeling the banana from his pocket, slowly shoving the fruit slowly in his mouth
“Your delivery order…..” Kita whispered quietly, fluttering his eyelashes in fake bliss, before finishing the banana in one gulp. “Samu”. Osamu withheld a cough, shit this is my supplier, I just need to forget a few nights ago when we actually snog that hard at the counter. His cheeks growing more flushed at Kita’s hand purposely brushing to him.
I need to focus on signing the order and stamping it, he should be gone.
Osamu shut his eyes, trying to think of the worst situation, and right now he could think it is Atsumu stealing the last pudding cup in the fridge. “Oh….Thank you….” Constantly adjusting his cap, Kita smiled a little, unaware of the stamp slipping away from Osamu’s sweaty palms.
“Boss….the rice where do you want to put the sacks of rice….” The young part-timer Hiro shouted to him. “You seems to be dazed….” Osamu shake his head, noticing Kita giving a cheeky smile, lost in his words. “If you need any more, come by my farm to see the new crops, my grandma asked for you though she did not…”
“I’ll come by your farm whenever you like….”
Kita’s complexion turned red, “Yeah, excuse me….” And in thin air, Kita seems to disappear, which Osamu heaved a sigh of relief, unaware that one of the older ladies Aiko gave a side eye to Osamu. “Samu-kun…..may I have my order” Osamu gave a bow to her “Oh I am sorry….” continuously folding the onigiri back and forth.
“What is going between you two…”, Osamu frowned a little, focusing his efforts to plate it prettily . “Aiko-san….I”, The wind chime to Akaashi, Bokuto’s husband shouting his order. “One umeboshi and one Ikura Onigiri please!” Osamu quickly distracted himself to greeting Akaashi. “Yep, coming up…” Though he hid his reddening expression with marvellous grace, focusing on making Akaashi’s order.
“Miya-san…..” Akaashi quietly muttered to Osamu. “Thanks, seems that new author is driving me nuts…..” Osamu bowed to him. “Oh, sorry, welcome….” he quickly passed the plate of rice balls to him. “How is everything, and your husband Bokuto-san….”
“Good, expect that I heard from Bokuto-san, that your brother Atsumu may accidentally received …I would say….suggestive texts during practice, and it is addressed to Kita, your former captain….”, and perhaps too coincidentally one of his servers passed a customer broiled eggplant. Osamu gulped to himself. “Akaashi-san, do you know what is the context of the texts….”
“I do not pry on gossip like that…..” Akaashi mutter quietly, munching the onigiri. “You should ask your brother…”, Osamu gulped to himself, trying to think of few nights back when he made his way to his farm, which they drank themselves too silly, reminiscing happy moments in their volleyball team, and perhaps get themselves too frisky. “All I know that Bokuto seems curious about this, and I do not see Atsumu being frisky with Kita….“
Osamu heaved a little. “Perhaps, curiosity will do bad for us….”, forcing himself to fold the onigiris over and over again. If he got the chance, there would be a heated FaceTime call with Atsumu over the contents of the texts.
“I am keeping my lips sealed for now Akaashi….”
“I know….” Akaashi nodded a little. “Try to be subtle next time….”
Subtleness is perhaps not their forte after all
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I just think that Suna would make a good dad
i wouldn't want suna anywhere near me when i'm giving birth. definitely not in the room. preferably not even in the hospital. he would hold those horrific sweaty photos of me in the throes of the lowest moment of my life over my head forever. instead, i would tell him a fake due date so he's out of town when it happens, and then text motoya a photo of me and baby first. toya then (of course) immediately posts it on twitter. suna has no idea what's happening when he gets a 500 word long text from Kita--which he sees during one of the intervals between sets while his teammates are all clapping him on the back and congratulating him. It's the only way.
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On arguably the most peaceful summer of Tooru’s life, he sits in a hut in Hyougo. Amidst stalks of rice, he inhales the humidity of late afternoon, and sighs.
In the back of his head, a voice rings: That looked so dumb, Shittykawa. Tooru’s eyes flutter open as he tries to shake it away and scowls at how his best friend’s voice follows him everywhere. Even here, where it’s nowhere like Miyagi, and Tooru feels farthest from the things he’s always known himself to be. Weirdly enough, sometimes that’s all it is—an echo—and Tooru wonders what it is about this place that’s managed to put him at ease despite being on the other side of Japan.
“Hey.” It is Shinsuke’s voice that shakes him out of his reverie. He takes a seat on one of the steps that leads down into the field; huffs when he tugs at his boots and removes his hat. “Sitting around all day all you do, Oikawa-san?” he asks, not looking but smiling.
Tooru doesn’t grace him with an answer, simply huffing and falling back into his daydream. Shinsuke should be used to it by now.
“Thinking, aren’t you?” he asks this time, after the passing of a few quiet moments.
“You know I always am.”
“But I don’t know about what, so humor me.”
Humming, and while Shinsuke takes the opportunity to dry off the sweat in his hair, Tooru tells him about three months ago—that he’s musing about how his life had been so vastly different. How, when he’d gotten Shinsuke’s text with the proposition of fake-dating, he’d looked to Iwaizumi, who wasn’t looking at him, and realized the decision was so easy it was painful.
“And I’m here now to visit you, and everyone thinks you’re good for me,” Tooru chuckles. “But this is honestly the most calm I’ve been my whole life.”
“Yeah? Hyougo that good for you?”
“I mean,” Tooru sighs, lovesick, “I am in love with the boy I’ve spent literally every summer of my life with up to this point. Would I have traded it for anything though? No.”
“Be glad you’re spending a summer here then.” Shinsuke dusts off his pants as he stands. “I won’t be dealing you with too many migraines.”
“Thanks, Kita,” Tooru smiles, stretching.
“Shinsuke,” he warns. “You’ll blow our cover.”
“You literally just called me ‘Oikawa-san’,” the brunet complains, and Shinsuke, closeted dumbass, lets out a bark of laughter. The sun glows a warmer orange; the grass in the field dips gently with the wind. Things have a way of righting themselves around Shinsuke. “Oh my god, I hate you.”
“Whatever you say, Tooru,” Shinsuke drawls, still bubbling with amusement. He offers a hand to Tooru as his emotions even out, sparkle in his eyes reflected in Tooru’s own. A side-effect of having found good company in each other, and for spending day after night like they’d just been—talking. It was how they’d survived the first horribly mechanical month of their hypothetical relationship.
“If our cover gets blown after acting so believable for so long, that’s on you.”
Shinsuke hums, audacious. Tooru rolls his eyes at that but takes his hand anyway.
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The entitlement
Hello,
Episode #2
I am sitting in a coffee shop, overhearing conversations that I'd rather not listen to, with people who sound entitled, most of all sound as though they have never been a service worker in their life. It's weird to, because I know that people care about workers. I do. I've spent lots of my life dealing with the racist, bigotry, and rude ass customers that have come into my own shop as a child. Reminding myself to be nice, fake a smile, and take their money. All they are is money.
I watched these girls explain to LETS call them "white bitches named karen" it makes more sense to me. They are unruled with their dresses, ugly ass hair. And they're conversations of meaningless shit. Let's be real here, if they are in a coffee shop in the middle of the day the real reason is to gossip about their lives that are pointless and meaningless. I can't say the same because here I am. Alone, typing up this blog because it soothes me from my anxious attachment style that I'm trying to overcome.
Anyways, lets pretend that I am over falling head over heels for someone who clearly does not give me the time of day, and it is exhausting because I am an overwhelming person who is in constant need of attention or else I will feel like I am bothering you to no end. I think that I tend to harm myself in more ways than one. I won't stay begging anymore. I feel like I might seem entitled to this persons time because I am the person that they are dating but I want them.
All of them. All of the time.
I am not allowed to all of that, and I think I keep trying to push myself into this version of a person that can handle not having this but that is why I am self soothing. Writing this is helping but my brain is constantly on fire on how all I want is to have this person text me back, knowing full well they are working, asleep or just not in the mood to text back which is fine. BUT FUCK. How long must I wait for them to finally realize that I had put all my effort into wanting them.
Do I continue to do this? Do I deserve this? I am healing I tell myself. I will be better.
I am actually doing better too.
I told this person I couldn't have the pressure of them being my actual partner, and would date them casually but in reality I can't handle that either. I don't feel anxious around them anymore, only softness because I feel more comfortable with them. But NOW,
I want to wait. I want to ask them to be my boyfriend. I just want it to be during my timeline.
Anyways, I am hopelessly falling into a dark abyss of never ending heartache and I am letting myself do it.
Mahal Kita
Amanda <3
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#Day 1 - Describe Your Personality
Nulis kalimat pertama ini, gue diam beberapa detik, karena bingung mau jelasin dari mana.
Yang pasti personaliti gue adem ayem. Maksudnya, gue bukan orang yang suka keributan, ber-drama, toksik, atau problematik, gue orangnya apa adanya aja. Males untuk basa basi, jadi kalo lagi ga pengen ngomong sama orang karena dikecewain mending ga usah ketemu orang itu.
Sesuai elemen dan energi astrology, Aries itu elemennya api dan energinya positif, jadi walaupun suka berapi-api tapi arahnya semuanya positif.
Karena Elemen api, jadi gue emang suka ngomel, tapi kayak yang gue bilang diatas ngomelnya untuk sesuatu yang bener. Bahkan kayaknya ‘ngomel’ udah jadi Love Language gue, karena orang yang masih gue omelin berarti gue masih sayang, tapi kalo gue udah diem, dia jungkir balik depan gue juga gue bodo amat.
Gue jujur orangnya, gue males bohong gitu loh, kayak cape banget mesti mikir buat bohong gitu, jadi mending jujur di semua kondisi dan situasi ga sih dan di dalam aspek apapun.
Gue ga suka gosip, mending ngomongin fakta aja. Karena gue ga mau playing with asumsi atau pikiran sendiri maunya dengan fakta ajah.
Gue suka travelling tapi bukan sendiri, Tapi sama keluarga. Ketika gue travelling sama keluarga, gue berasa kebahagian dan kekuatan gue bisa jadi lebih berkali-kali lipat, karena senang bisa travelling sama orang-orang yang kita sayangkan, bisa punya experince bareng, jadi orang rumah ga cuma dengerin cerita aja.
Gue ga suka yang fake-fake, yang real-real ajalah.
Gue paling benci orang minta ‘pap’, kalo mau lihat muka tuh ketemu ga sih? Face to face, ya kecuali jarang2 okelah, kalo setiap hari males banget ga sih?
Gue suka debat, on the right way dan sama orang yang apple to apple ya. Gue kalah sama orang yang realistis dan yang super pinter. Kalo ada 1 orang yang punya 2 sifat itu, gue udah pasti kalah telak. Mati kutu, ga berkutik.
Gue good planner and strategy- woman di dalam pekerjaan.
Kalo mau hubungan langgeng sama gue, jangan pernah bohongin gue. Biasanya intuisi gue kasih tau gue duluan kalo lo bohong terus otak gue connect sama jalan cerita yang lo buat kenapa lo bohong. Habis itu gue hilang respect.
I’m texting person, gue cuma angkat telepon dari orang kantor, client, orang rumah, sama orang yang mau gue angkat aja teleponnya.
Gue fast respon, ada 3 alasan kenapa gue ga mau bales cepet, pertama gue tidur, sibuk, sama ga respect.
Gue orang yang cepat bosen sama sesuatu yang berulang dan ga ada tantangan. Karena dari tantangan kita bisa belajar banyak hal dan bisa tau kemampuan tolak ukur diri kita sampe mana.
Gue suka hilang tiba-tiba dari person atau group kalau gue rasa udah ga nyaman, ga benar, dan salah. Terkesan jahat dan aneh emang, tapi gue tidak akan menjelaskan apapun ke mereka alasannya kenapa gue pergi, kasih kesempatan mereka untuk introspeksi diri dan belajar hargai orang lain. Gue juga belajar untuk tidak judgemental orang.
Gue suka warna Navy, atau kata orang dulu biru dongker, warna ini keren, gue langsung jatuh cinta ketika waktu kecil lihat mobil BMW warna ini di Senayan waktu mau latihan di sanggar Ananda. Sampai sekarang, gue suka navy. Cantik, maskulin, elegan, dan classy.
Gue suka yang berbau-bau nostalgic, suka old stuff, old element, karena buat gue hal-hal lawas adalah originalitas. Apapun itu, culture, karya, ide, dan di jaman sekarang kebanyakan hanya ‘remake’. Makanya ada istilah ‘Tidak ada ide yang original’ karena referensinya adalah dari jaman dulu.
Gue picky, untuk makanan. Yang katanya makanan terenak kayak ikan, duren, susu, sushi, makanan ke kinian, itu gue ga suka. Tapi gue ga pernah bosen makan sayur, jus buah, ayam, mie ayam, tahu, dan bakso setiap hari.
Gue berdoa juga, semoga nanti pasangan hidup gue kelak, bisa masakin gue italian food 3 kali seminggu di penthouse kita nanti karena gue suka carbonara, lasagna, mushroom soup with garlic bread, dan mash potato for suree.
Gue suka mineral wottah gue bisa hilang fokus kalau kurang air kecuali puasa. Bukan sok suci, tapi gue kurang suka sama alcohol, karena efeknya ga bagus di gue hahaha, especially beer, sorry beer i don’t like you, sorry.
Gue kalo sama pasangan, gue mesti suka dulu sama orangnya. Gue ga bisa pura2 suka. Makanya gue bisa sendiri tanpa pasangan untuk waktu yang cukup lama sampe gue suka sama orang lain yang bener-bener suka terus bisa jadi mas crush. Kalo pacaran atau punya hubungan, gue mesti dikabarin setiap hari dan saling hargai aja. Gue lemah sama masa lalu pasangan gue, kalo emang mau punya hubungan sama gue, pastiin lo udah ga punya sisa rasa atau urusan sama masa lalu lo, kalo ngga gue pasti mundur. Ga asyik banget masih ngomongin masa lalu buat hidup dimasa depan.
Karena gue Alpha Female jadi memang cocoknya ketemu sama Alpha Male.
Gue dulu posesif, tapi karena belajar gue jadi ga posesif lagi. Kalo lagi bucin, bawaannya pengen nafkahin kalo kata becandaan anak tiktok wkwkwk
Gue suka parfrum wood. Gue suka Jo Malone yang Wood Sage and Sea Salt, Body Miss Victoria Secret yang Amber Secret, dan L’occitane yang The Verve Greentea. Jadi kalo mau kasih kado itu aja ya, gue sangat terima. Hahaha
Gue suka Yogyakarta dan Solo. Dua kota itu selalu punya cerita dari dulu. Dan gue ga pernah bosen ke sana.
Yaudah gitu aja personality gue. Sampai ketemu dikehidupan nyata.
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Break Up Prank (Haikyuu!! Fake Texts)
(Captain Version) Part 1
A/N: okay so Kita doesn’t have any screen time either wtf. And nobody told me that fake texts were so damn fun to make😔 A knee ways, enjoy!
Oikawa, Kuroo, Terushima
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♡... now playing;
Random boyfriend! inarizaki texts (ft. Kita, Suna, Osamu, Atsumu and Aran)
⤷ bonus track:
@hurtbycanonthoughts ariel since you said suna i ended up doing pretty much the whole team oop
⤷ playlist listeners: @lady-snavely @bbykutos @satanawakenedmyoceans @vicassa @ssatoris @k1ngofthecourt
Osamu:
Atsumu:
Kita:
Suna:
Aran:
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