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princess-pill-enjoyer · 2 years

Text

#27

I took.. a lot. the night before all this went down i had already taken 700 but i topped that off with a 600 yesterday morning. I think I woke up at like 4 am-ish something annnd took pills at about 5ish. Tho yesterday I ALSO did 1.6k at 2. So i think for the day I took 2.2k. unless we're also counting the late night one from the day before. Though this'll probably be first and last I take a lot at once like that. I'm still feeling it 20 hours later

(wrote this late august 27th but didn't wanna proofread til now so keep that in mind when I mention days)

AFTERMATH

The first two doses were casualish to me. I used to go 600 at max but nowadays it ain't uncommon for me to do 850-1k. I was mostly the same so no one noticed. They never do tbh. 1.6 is the highest I've ever gone and I was still able to play it off.

As far as symptoms. I've kinda lost my appetite. I'm sure it'll be all back once my body's had the chance to get all the dph out my system but for now I don't really eat. Tho I'm blubbery soo it works out ig. That plus I get random sharp pains in my heart + in my stomach every once in a while. Those I already know why ofc but I also get a milder version in my arms and legs too. I think I've been pretty okay for me to have taken what.. 10 times the normal dose. lemme check

it was 32 doses worth

goddamn.. it's starting to freak me out nowadays. That'd be like me getting a perscription but guzzling all the pills for the month in one sitting. (tmi in advance sorry sorry) With me taking THAT much at once you think if somehow someway someone gets my blood they would get high off it? or at the very least treat their allergies. That'd be kinda cool tbh

Ah there was one more thing I noticed. My perception of time ain't the greatest when I'm high anyway. I'm sure it's cause how hyperfocused I am on staying awake plus dph making it hard to remember shit anyway. But on the 1.6.. shit went to the extreme. It was honestly like when I was taking that benadryl-tylenol mix. I'm sure it's mostly due to how much had to be floating around that but man..

When I first started feeling it feeling it I would just be losing my train of thought a lot which led to me forgetting what I was talking about mid sentence a good 70% of the time. Then shit progressed to where I was blacking out randomly. I don't know what exactly happens when I black out. I'm assuming I just continue doing what I was doing and it's really just me forgetting what I just did. But another part of me wonders if I taking mini naps or something. I didn't really get much sleep so maybe my body was forcing me to rest for a bit? I'd black out for anywhere from 30 mins to an hour and a half at a time. I even started hallucinating again which was weirdd.

They were all tame luckily. The most problematic one was me thinking R texted me. I coulda sworn I saw her say I love you on disc. I have a different color for her notifs so I was damn near CERTAIN since it got the color right as well. I still held off on talking to her just incase she tried to talk talk and put the pieces together once she saw how off I was being. I felt like an ass at the time but when I checked the next day I saw that my most recent convo was still the old friend I was otp with. Even if she had deleted it she would've been at the top regardless.

The only other notable hallucinations was the occasional phantom bug. 9 times out of 10 it was just a weird looking shadow but there was a few times where I thought I saw spider legs too. Tho that honestly wasn't toooo. I'd rather have that than texting R about some shit she never did lmao

NOTES/EMOTIONS

I will be mentioning self unaliving a lot in this section so don't upset yourself tryna read, alr?

Ah.. I kinda did say I'd explain my flakiness annnd the shit I'm upset about now semi relates so here we are.

It's hard to explain. You always hear people be yourself no matter. Not to say anything is wrong with that. I just.. I don't know how to interpret that if that makes any sense. I feel like atp I'm only still here to spare my family's feelings (with that including R of course) so it throws me in a thought loop

On one hand, I'm only alive to spare their feelings. I have no real goals, dreams, or plans as far as what I want to do next. So it really wouldn't matter if I just went with whatever they want me to do even if I hate it. Not like I have any better ideas. It makes me feel like I should take all the judgment I'm flung and change accordingly. If I'm alive for them, wouldn't that make the most sense? I'm gonna come back to rock bottom no matter what i do. I might as well just do it for appearance's sake

Tho on the other, if they want me to really do whatever I and only I wanted, would they be angry if I left? Would they understand the struggle and misery I've gone through trying to keep it together for them? It feels stupid to let myself be tethered to this place for people that don't even know me really. I'm sure they'll be hurt for a time sure but.. is that a good enough reason to still be here? I can only leech for so long. I have no plans to go back to college as I am. scared. going from effortless 3.75 to a barely gotten, struggle filled 1.7 killed that for me. I can't afford to keep trying and trying until I hit this magical brain switch that suddenly makes all that easy. Im already nearly 20k in debt from that single semester alone.

And what's so frustrating about this circle thinking is that i KNEW it'd go down like this. I've been wanting to kill myself since 3rd grade. Even with my reasoning being vastly different throughout all this time, at the end of the day, I've been treating my suicide as an inevitability. I get so worked up over any and everything, I have to push and fight myself every fucking day to do the bare minimum, and I never wanted to be in a position where I'm stuck doing something I hate just to get by every month. It's just too much.

I've set various age goals throughout the years to keep me from doing anything too stupid. Originally it was 14 so I could get a job and get better supplies for that sort of thing. Then it was 16 cause by then I was supposed to have a car and I would be allowed to date at that age. Then the latest one was 18 and 6mo. 6mo probably sees random but it made sense to me anyway. Seniors get out of school bout 2 week- a month earlier than everyone else. So I damn near had the house to myself for a little while. Then even once they went on summer break, I still was chilling since I didn't move into my dorm til early october. So I had damn near 5mo to do whatever I wanted with hella open house money to fund it. I figure, since I had all that money and have months and months to do whatever AND im finna be living by myself, if I still wanted to do it, it is what it is

But now look at me. 19 annd nearly 3 months and I'm worse than ever before. It makes my stress tolerance so much lower. Anytime I get upset I turn it back onto myself. If I had just got it over with back then, people wouldn'tve had to see me degrade into the person I am today. If I would have done it back then, I wouldn't need to stress about college, work, money, love, or whatever else. I never wanted any of this. I just wanted to do what was expected of me to keep the peace. But now even when I'm trying to do that, it's not working. It was bound to happen someday tbh. I wasn't gonna be able to half ass my way through life forever. Still.. it crashed and burned quicker than I thought

I feel so trapped. I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone is gonna see it all. My stepmom actually did just called me out for sitting around for this long lmao. I guess it has been a while. I came back for winter break in late December and here I am still. No money and no school. I keep replaying her words over and over again. It slightly pissed me off initially. I've withdrew so much within these last few months to the point where it's rare for either of them to see me more than maybe.. once a day. Plus I've TOLD her I've been struggling for years now and nothing has changed.

Told her I might be struggling with some form of adhd after seeing how hard my workflow was thrown off since quarantine started. Then like 2-3 mo later after radio silence on that stuff she asked me a few questions about therapy preferences then when I told her she told me to book it myself when I'm 18.. Then another time when I was arguing with my dad over something and she started screaming in my face which drove me to a panic attack that she ignored and continued to yell at me until my sisters butted in. She tried to yell at them to but I think I freaked them out with my crying so they didn't budge. Oh yeah. And that middle school thing where I ratted myself out anonymously for being suicidal and actively writing out drafts for it. I didn't like the therapist I had so I stopped going and it was never mentioned again.

Tangent. Sorry. I bring all this up to say it irritated me since I've been asking for help on and off for years now and no one listened. I'm always written off as overdramatic or whiney, or hormonal or whatever th and now I can see she just thinks I'm just a lazy fucking bum. It doesn't even make sense. I've said this was an issue of mine but since I wasn't failing in high school and I don't boohoo in front of them, it was never addressed so why is anyone shocked that this is how I turned out? Why am I now the failure of the family

Whatever anyway. i thought on it longer and I can't put the blame on them entirely. At the end of the day, I should've fought more to get the help I needed before shit hit the fan. I dunno. I've always been like this.

Ig it doesn't really matter now does it?

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I'm getting backed further and further into this corner and it's going to blow up soon. I know it. I don't want to be around for that. Too much to uncover. I've fucked myself so may times thinking it wouldn't matter because of xyz thing but all of its coming back. It makes me want to go even further tbh. It feels like my only choice. No one will take it seriously until then. Even then, I'd probably go for round 2 just to do it. I am genuinely.. tired.

#dph #benadryl #diphenhydramine #dph addiction #vent #trip reports #excessively long

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