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cloudsnbones · 1 year

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The Letter

this is something i wrote whilst speculating what Kerry wrote Kim at the end of s7. i think i lost her voice a little but i like it anyways. this can be applied to anyone you ship Kerry with.

I wish I could wax lyrical about you to the heavens, for any deity who would listen, but words fail me. I don’t know anything anymore, outside of you, I suppose I don’t know anything about you either, but I’d like to. You have invaded my mind with surreal happy-ever-afters, truths and futures I long to share with you despite already being able to taste my disappointment. I like to think about you however, about what food you like, about the clothes you wear, about the things that make you smile and how I wish I could do that, just once. I tell myself that if you just listened to me instead of hearing me then perhaps you would see good in me, kindness, that you could be as enamoured with me as I am with you. Or at the very least that you would like me. However, denial of my own faults is not helpful, comforting yes, but I think I may finally be strong enough to admit I’ve wronged you too, and I believe you deserve to know that I have not unearthed this strength alone, it is all in you. Everything I am, which is good, is for you.

I would promise you a thousand stars, if I knew that’s what you wanted, anything to erase your repulsion of me. Again, I find myself unwilling to concede that maybe you are right. I am so tired of being me it drains me, imagine living with my perfectionistic torment 24/7 arguing and insulting me till I break down then berating me for my weakness, yet telling me what I need to hear the most - that I am disgusting and unworthy. You know this of course. If I think logically, something I am finding increasingly difficult these days, I understand that I could never be good enough for you and in knowing that I would be dissatisfied. So, I guess it’s a good thing that you don’t like me back.

Yet weirdly, I think that you… understand me, better than anyone else I have ever met. You deciphered my flaws and my weaknesses fast. I don’t mean to upset you with this next line, but I do think that our minds are alike, both searching for logic and trying to decipher the world around us. Our methods may be different but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong. I think they could compliment each other.

I find myself longing to be around you, I want to smell you, to absorb you, to make us one and whole, to listen to your stories and for you to listen to mine. I want to make you dinner, to curl up with you on a cold winter’s night with blankets and hot cocoa and marshmallows, I want to be the one to hold you when you cry. I can do it, I can be nice and good, if you were to let me try.

Your words bite me, my heart breaks to hear your mocking and your scorn, and endless reminder that you will never and have never viewed me through the lens which I view you. Nevertheless I find, uncharacteristically, that I am not angry with you, I am wounded and emotional; true. How could I not be? I am human despite what rumour says. But I am not angry with you. I am thankful that you have allowed me to view myself as I truly am, that you have unconsciously inspired me to be a better person. Morally, since my purpose is technically for my eternal happiness, I am still in the wrong, but even if I never get to kiss you good morning and good night. I am so unbelievably glad that we’ve met.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, I love you.

Take my heart whenever you want it.

#kerry weaver x susan lewis #kerry/susan #kerry weaver x sandy lopez #kerry x sandy #kerry weaver x abby lockhart #kerry weaver x kim legaspi #kerry weaver #ER fic #ER fanfic #fanfiction #my writing

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wonderofasunrise · 2 years

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“I’m going home now,” Kerry says, trying so hard to suppress a smirk before lowering her voice, “I’ll get dinner on the way. See you there?”

Susan nods with a smile - the smile that never fails to melt Kerry’s heart, and her green eyes meet Kerry’s blue ones as she silently wishes a small exchange of smiles every once in a while (along with, very occasionally, small physical touches) was not all they could do while at work. As much as she understands why they keep their relationship secret, what with Kerry’s reservations about how being a lesbian would affect her career and her overall inexperience when it comes to same-sex relationships, she cannot deny how much she longs for the world to see how much she and Kerry love each other. How they have made each other better in ways that they never imagined before.

#hello #yes i am back on my bullshit #this took me far longer than it should've #but anyway here's a thing i made #finished this during a literal heatwave in case anyone's interested #just gotta write it #er #er fanfiction #writing stuff #nbc er #kerry weaver #susan lewis #kerry x susan #kerry weaver x susan lewis #how i wish...oh HOW I WISH *that* arc had gone #i take it very personally ok #because reasons

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ally-holmes · 1 year

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Unseen | ER John Carter x Reader (ch.2)

Series Masterlist

Chapter One — Chapter Three

Pairings: John Carter x Fem!Reader

Summary of the chapter: Let’s know a little more about John Carter and Y/N’s relationship in their first years.

Word Count: 2171

Unseen ER | Chapter Two.

Every story starts from the beginning, and the story between John Carter and Y/N L/N had, also, a beginning. Far into their third year as med students, both of them were accepted into the County General teaching program; up until that point, none of them had met. Carter had done more "fancy" specialties like dermatology, while Y/N had been more enthusiastic about trauma situations, which obviously means that she was way more prepared to be in the Emergency rotation than him.

John Carter's medical tug had its origin in the death of his baby brother. God, he missed him. Bobby was John's partner in crime and mischief until he got sick; then John became his brother's confident and rock. Both children were well aware of the pain and uncertainty in their parents' eyes; there was nothing they could do to help Bobby. He was going to die, no matter what the doctors tried. John made up his mind then. He was going to become a doctor.

The Carters were old money in Chicago. They had different companies and foundations, and although they understood the point of helping those with fewer resources, the truth is that apart from giving them money, they didn't do much. After Bobby's death, John's parents suffocated in their grief, ignoring his remaining child, who grew up with his grandparents and an open mind. He wanted a change, and he wanted to be part of said change. Of course, the family allowed him to study medicine, although they kept envisioning his future as head of the Carter company without asking about his opinion. He had no voice.

Although John grew up surrounded by money and fancy items, he had principles, expectations, and goals. He wanted to be a surgeon. Why? Well, it was the most difficult specialty, of course. If he was able to pull out a good performance, if he was able to understand, learn, and use the knowledge to help people from the darkness of death, then he could happily go to his family and say: "My work as a doctor is more useful than being in the company; give it to Chase, he will do just fine."

What John didn't expect was the fact that working in the ER was more exciting, electrifying, and rewarding. He fell in love with the rush, the quiet, the work against the clock, the delivery of babies in taxis… Yeah, even the complaints weren't so bad after a few hours. He loved it; and he could totally understand why Y/N had always that bursting and contagious energy inside her body, glowing eyes, and determined stance– she lived for those moments in the ER.

Y/N had fit in perfectly with Doctor Mark Greene on the first night of their shift together. They worked together as if they had always done it. She didn't hesitate. She didn't vomit. She was home.

John, on the other hand, felt like a disaster. Doctor Peter Benton seemed to despise him and to enjoy torturing him, seeing him fail. Because he did fail. He hesitated. He vomited. He felt unworthy to be a doctor and that echoed in his mind just like the condescending affirmations of his grandmother.

Just in the middle of his first night, a shot wound came into trauma, and although he wanted to help… well, up until this point he had just specialized in simple things. John felt dizzy and nauseous, and Benton just dismissed him with an "I don't need you anyway" which was fair, but ouch. He went outside, to the cold Chicago air. He crouched with the stethoscope between his hands, pressing it to his forehead, trying to calm his breathing.

John Carter, the failure.

Mark Greene came looking for him. His calm steps echoed like there was nothing else but him and the Emergency entrance. Greene was not like Benton; he looked and was kind. He was interested in the students' improvements, and in the professionals' well-being under his wing in the ER. As he approached John, he kept his distance. He gave him privacy by not looking straight at him, and not invading his personal space.

"I thought I was gonna be sick… I'm sorry." Carter confessed with a sigh.

"Don't ever say you're sorry," Mark advised. "See, there're two kinds of doctors: there's the kind that gets rid of their feelings and the kind that keeps them," he explained as he closed the distance with the student. "If you're going to keep your feelings you're going to get sick from time to time, that's just how it works."

John leaned his head against the wall behind him, feeling the cold concrete clash with the hotness of his skull. Mark Greene, with his green scrubs, round frameless glasses, and his hands behind his back, seemed both strong and kind.

"Keep your head down," he ordered; his voice sterner than before.

John knew that his nausea was easier to die if he did as he was told, but he took his time to comply, undoing his tie. Greene crouched right in front of him. He had been approaching the student as if he was some sort of wounded wild animal in need of help; he was to some extent.

"People come in here and they're sick, dying, and bleeding… and they need our help. Helping them is more important than how we feel." Carter nodded to Greene's words. "But it still a pain in the ass sometimes," he added, wanting to break the solemn tone of the atmosphere between them. Carter broke with a soft breath of a laugh, that kind that fights against the will to cry. "Sometimes I just want to quit and do something else," Greene claimed, and whether it was the truth or a lie, no one could tell. They shared a look, searching for an answer they didn't have. "Why don't you take a few more minutes?"

"Yeah…"

Mark Greene got up and started walking towards the hospital, in slow steps, looking back. "By the way, I was in medical school with Benton. He used to get sick all the time so don't let him give you any crap. Okay? You're gonna be fine."

That talk engraved itself in John Carter's memory with fire. Whenever he felt useless, restless, frustrated, alone… Mark Greene's words echoed in his mind.

Mark Greene was a good teacher.

He was a good doctor.

He was–

Yeah. He was.

He didn't have that talk with Y/N, there was no need for it because she already knew that. Greene could feel and see the fire in her determination to be good to the patients, to help them, to keep her own emotions and feelings, and be empathic but not to the point of ending up suffocated with her own remorse. He talked to her, of course.

"You can't save them all," he said. "You can try; we all do. Yes, sometimes is our fault as doctors because we have not done the proper thing. Yet sometimes it just happens no matter how hard we tried."

"I could've–"

"No," he cut her off, "you couldn't have. All the what-ifs that are running through that head of yours have only one purpose: to make you a better doctor. Don't punish yourself, Y/N; just learn."

Shearing their learnings was something that unified Y/N and Carter during that time. It made them stronger, although it could be quite tense at times.

John Carter was a cutie, which he was well aware of, obviously. He was tall and slim, with perfectly smooth brown hair, lovely doe eyes, and a crocket smile; half adorable and half mischievous. He was fun and witty and kind and smart and– and– Yeah, Y/N fell deep for him. Who could've blamed her? Really? Carter had some sort of magnet that made people like him, whether romantically or platonically, didn't matter.

The first time she asked him out on a date, he stuttered, looked around, and with all the kindness of his heart, said "I don't think we should. I'm… I mean, we're going to be seeing each other here all the time and it would be weird if it doesn't work like– I don't know."

Y/N understood that, and although she felt her face hot with shame, she gave him a big smile and a nod. They didn't talk about it anymore. Of course, she ended up finding out about the crush he had on Susan Lewis. She did not correspond with his feelings, though Y/N was certain it was more about the teacher-student situation than Susan being immune to Carter's charms. Then, the next year (1995), he started something with Harper Tracy, very quietly at first; Y/N only found out when Carter comforted Ross about him sleeping with a student. That was awkward. Y/N had to agree to some extent that it was better not to be caught in the middle of a mess like that one.

She felt like a fool, nonetheless. Y/N avoided Carter for some time, which wasn't that hard as their shifts were opposite most of the time.

They were on their psychiatric rotation when they spoke again.

Carter had been feeling restless lately. He loved surgery, he wanted to become a surgeon, and he knew that the rotation between all the departments in the hospital was required for his final grades. However, his skin crawled with anticipation every time they received a consult call from the ER. Oh, boy, how much he enjoyed going down there, changing the quietness from psychiatric for the healthy noise from the ER… yeah, that was life. Unable to stop himself, he found his emotions mixing and tangling in awful ways, torturing his mind. He needed air and he resourced to go upstairs, to the helicopter's landing space on the roof of the hospital.

This is where he found her.

Y/N was bracing herself on the ledge, her eyes lost in the Chicago skyline that was lighting up as the sun kept hiding for the night, her hair a mess blessed by the wind. She took a long breath; she held it closing her eyes, and then she let go of it. Carter observed how with the air in her lungs, her tension left her body.

"You're not gonna jump, are you?" He tried to joke distastefully. His arms were crossed around his body, trying to keep the warmth.

Y/N gave him a look on top of her shoulder, acknowledged his presence, and turned again to face the city. John took that as an invitation and walked towards the ledge too.

"Hey, there, stranger," he smiled.

"Hi."

The silence felt heavy and suffocating. "It's something wrong?" She shrugged instead of giving him an answer. "Y/N, please. Talk to me. I miss you."

"You do know that I have feelings for you, don't you?" He snorted as if she was just playing a prank. The look of sadness in her eyes made him go pale and open his mouth, looking for an excuse. "Save it. Look, if you don't like me like that I totally get it, Carter. Just– Don't lie to me again."

"I have not lied to you."

"No. You gave me a shitty excuse and you forget." The shadow of recognition flashed through his face. "Yup."

"It's different."

"Oh, pray tell me, how much different it is."

"My relationship with Harper started out of fun. We meant nothing to get out of it. There's no pressure for it to go somewhere."

"And ours does?" She laughed skeptically and hurt.

"Of course!" John burst.

The silence fell upon them once again. Feeling like her heart was shattering, Y/N focused her eyes on a big building away from them; the wind slapping her face with cold indifference. Carter, blushing uncomfortably, danced from one foot to another, feeling colder and colder as he stood leaning on the ledge.

"We have something now. Something big. I trust you. I– I like you very much. But this– this thing, whatever it is, could explode and break and destroy everything in its path if we misstep." John felt his stomach clench. "Think about this. If we start something, it's going to be something big."

"I only asked you out for a coffee, Carter," she spat, looking at him dead in the eyes.

"I know…" he whispered, taken aback. "That would've led into dinner. Another date. Then another. A relationship. Marriage… Just– I'm not ready for something that steady now. I feel that if we start something I'm going to ruin it. Can't we just be friends? Good friends. The best friends the world has ever seen?"

Stupid.

Fuck, so uncomfortably stupid, and yet…

"Yeah," she sighed. "I guess."

While they decided on that and Carter definitely enjoyed the arrangement quite a lot, she hid her suffering for the lonely nights in her small apartment, covered in bed, sobbing against her pillow.

Yeah, stupid.

To be continued…

#er #er tv series #er tv show #dr. john carter #john carter x reader #john carter #fem reader #noah wyle #mark greene #doug ross #carol hathaway #susan lewis #kerry weaver #fanfiction #fanfic #angst #comfort #luka kovac #abby lockhart

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flutter2deceive · 8 months

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Picrew wives!

#kerry x susan #kerry weaver #susan lewis #er #picrew #cleaning out my screenshots folder so here have this lol

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peroxide-pest · 1 year

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When you watch the episode where Kerry has to fire Gabe, and it makes you cry so damn much you have to go find the beautiful fics written by @bwayfan25 to make you forget the look of grief on Kerry's face.

#er #kerry weaver #fanfic-fix-it #susan lewis #kerry x susan

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bwayfan25 · 2 years

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Bought a bunch of stickers today and found one that went perfectly with my Susan/Kerry sticker. I do ship it. Very hard.

#nbc er #kerry weaver #susan lewis #susan x kerry

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sapphicsandscience · 2 years

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Whumptober Day 17

“Please don’t move!” | Haemorrhage

Ignore that it is May 2022. This was in my drafts from last years challenge.

"What happened?"

Kerry wasn't sure who said it, but she found herself awkwardly positioned on the ground, head in her hands, a knee pulled close to her chest as she finally heard it.

"I..." her heart was beating fast; her voice stuttered. She could feel panic setting into her like a fire burning in her stomach, only she didn't know why.

She couldn't think straight at all, so she just kept her head down. It was easier that way. And maybe when she looked up it would make sense when she was ready.

Her eyes were shut tight as she thought back, trying to remember what exactly had happened. She didn't know why this question had been directed to her.

Could they not tell she didn't know?

Everything was silent. Not peaceful. But silent. This silence was heavy. She could feel its pressure all over her body. She felt around her head, her hands sequentially going over each recognizable feature as she tried to ground herself. She could feel her glasses. The mundane finding brought a wash of relief throughout her body.

She had her glasses. Something was normal.

But her head still ached. That wasn’t normal. A dull ache contrasted against the stinging feeling on the forehead. She moved her hand up. It was sticky.

"I'm bleeding?"

Her words sounded distant even to herself. Everything was dark and muddled, she wasn’t even sure she had spoken aloud. The only confirmation was when the voice returned.

“Are…are you okay?”

For the first time, Kerry noticed that the voice sounded just as unsteady as she felt. It was strained, forced out with an abnormal amount of effort. Something was wrong.

Kerry turned on the ground towards the voice. It whimpered. But this time it wasn't as clouded, she recognized the voice.

With growing concern, she started to crawl towards it. It was still dark and the area she was in was cramped. She extended a hand outwards, pressing down into the carpet and pulling herself forward. Only it didn’t feel like carpet.

She felt the pool of blood. The pool of blood she was leaning on. The pool of blood that was holding her upright.

"Oh god, Susan!" She called out, her brain making connections without her. She didn’t know why she had screamed the woman's name. Nothing made sense.

She slowly pulled herself to sit upright, opening her eyes. And for the first time, it wasn’t dark anymore. It was right there in front of her. The answers to all the questions.

Kerry's eyes meet the blondes, wide, scared, and wet with tears.

"Is…is that your blood?" Kerry asked. It was a stupid question. She knew the answer.

It was quiet, and then, "It is. My head, my back, everything hurts."

Susan was clutching at her wound, her other hand over her mouth and eyes closed.

Kerry watched in horror as blood seeped through her fingers as she pressed them against Susan’s neck.

It was then the world rushed back into focus.

And it all came back to her with violence.

The seminar. The terror. The screams.

Susan.

“Please don’t move!” Kerry sputtered out, swapping out Susan’s weak hands for her own and pushing down on the entry wounds. “I’m here. I’m here.”

#whumptober #mywriting #drabble #susan x kerry #susan lewis #Kerry Weaver #tw: implied shooting

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judgementdaysunshine · 2 years

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Masterlist

Fics i have done!

Fandoms i write for!

Young justice

Kaldur'ahm/Aqualad

Megan morse/Miss martian

Connor kent/Superboy

Artemis crock/Tigress

Jaime reyes/Blue beetle

Cassie sandsmark/Wondergirl

Wally west/Kidflash

Barbara gordon/Batgirl

CSI Vegas

Sara sidle

Nick stokes

Mia dickerson

Greg sanders

Catherine willows

Warrick brown

Riley adams

Gil grissom

M*A*S*H*

Benjamin hawkeye pierce

Margaret hot lips houlihan

B.J. hunnicutt

Margie cutler

Radar o'reilly

Kellye yamoto

John mulcahy

Stranger things

Nancy wheeler

Dustin henderson

Max mayfield

Jonathan byers

Robin buckley

Steve harrison

Jane hopper/el

Lucas Sinclair

Joyce byers

Mike wheeler

Barbara holland

Jim hopper

CSI Miami

Walter simmons

Yelena salazar

Ryan wolfe

Natalia boa vista

Eric delko

Calliegh duquesne

Horatio caine

Alexx woods

Jesse cardoza

Marisol delko

Marvel

Kate bishop

Clint barton

Natasha romanoff

T'challa

Cassandra lang

Sam wilson

Kamala khan

Bucky barnes

Shuri

Bruce banner

Mortal kombat

Kung jin

Skarlet

Hanzo hasashi

Sonya blade

Kuai liang

Jaqui briggs

Johnny cage

Kitana

Takeda takashi

Jade

Jax briggs

Cassie cage

Resident evil

Claire redfield

Carlos olivera

Sherry birkins

Leon kennedy

Jill valentine

Jake muller

Helena harper

Chris redfield

Alice

NCIS NOLA

Chris laselle

Loretta wade

Sebastian lund

Hannah khoury

Patton plame

Sonja percy

Dwayne pride

Tammy gregario

Final destination

Clear rivers

Lewis romaro

Wendy christensen

Kevin horton

Carrie dryer

Kevin fischer

Kimberly corman

Thomas burke

Alex browning

The mighty ducks

Fulton reed

Julie gaffney

Adam banks

Charlie conway

Dean portman

Guy germaine

Dwayne robertson

Luiz mendoza

Connie monreau

Criminal minds

Emily prentiss

Spencer reid

Jennifer jareau

Aaron hotchner

Kate callahan

Derek morgan

Penelope garcia

Luke alvez

Tara lewis

Matt simmons

Trauma center

Derek stiles

Angie thompson

Gabriel cunningham

Elena salazar

Erhard miller

Naomi kimishima

Markus vaughn

Valerie blaylock

Susan lewis

Mark greene

Carol hathaway

Doug ross

Kerry weaver

Gregory pratt

Samantha taggart

John carter

Cate banfield

Luka kovac

Harry potter

Cedric diggory

Luna lovegood

Harry potter

Ginny weasley

Remus lupin

Narcissa malfoy

Ron weasley

Nymphodora tonks

Sirius black

Marlene mckinnon

Draco malfoy

Fleur declour

Blaise zabini

Hermione granger

Kingdom hearts

Namine

Riku

Kairi

Sora

Aqua

Terra

Xion

Ventus

Roxas

Xmen

Charles xavier

Ororo munroe

Warren worthington

Kitty pryde

Kurt wagner

Illyana rasputin

Erik leshnerr

Raven darkholme

Logan

Marie d'ancanto

Peter maximoff

Jubliee

Pixie

Pixie o'brien

Harland mckenna

Frank mccullen

Final fantasy

Cloud strife

Oerba dia vanille

Snow villers

Tifa lockhart

Hope esthiem

Oerba yun fang

Vincent valentine

Lighting farron

Zack fair

Aerith gainsborough

Narnia

Lucy pevensie

Peter pevensie

Susan pevensie

Edmund pevensie

Mr tumnus

Prince caspian

NCIS LA

Marty deeks

Shay mosley

Sam hanna

Kensi blye

G callen

Fatima nazami

Eric beale

Harley hidoko

Nell jones

Code lyoko

Aelita schaffer

Odd della robbia

Yumi ishiyama

Ulrich stern

Milly solovieff

William dunbar

Tamiya diop

Jeremy belpois

Triple frontier

Will "ironhead" miller

Frankie "catfish" morales

Benny miller

Santiago "pope" garcia

The night shift

Landry de la cruz

Joey chavez

Gwen gaskin

Kenny fornette

Jordan alexander

Michael ragosa

Drew allister

Shannon rivera

TC callahan

Ewan mcgregor characters

Catcher block

Dan torrance

Perry makepeace

Christopher robin

Rodney copperbottom

Robert lewis

Alex law

Edward bloom

Star wars

Crosshair

Cara dune

Luke skywalker

Aayla secura

Hunter

Din djarin

Padme amidala

Cal kestis

Rey skywalker

Obi wan kenobi

Bo katan kryze

Qui gon jin

Tech

Ahsoka tano

Poe dameron

Leia organa

Echo

Finn

Iden versio

Del meeko

Wrecker

Misc 1

Jack mercer

Mason "mace" brown

Spike spiegel

Toph

Lu fox

Elizabeth martinson

Casi

Laney boggs

Max lewinsky

Mahtilda

Flip zimmerman

Nani pelekai

Murphy macmanus

Korra

Lu fox

Samantha caine

Bill s prescott

Iris

Zack siler

Rachel

David abbott

Marta

Jed eckhart

Tess finnegan

Ryan williams

Barbara novak

Ted logan

Toni

Eugene/vida boheme

Tris prior

Murtagh morzzansson

Skeeter

Christian

Stephanie speck

John wick

Viola eade

Jonathan levy

Evey hammond

Eli "Hawk" Moskowitz

Casey jones

Marni

Elliot alderson

Misc 2

Chris chambers

Andie anderson

Michael perry

Beatrix "the bride" kiddo

Elliott

Quinn fabray

Benjamin barry

Dani rojas

Billy/four

Daphne moon

Javi gutierrez

Allison reynolds

Hector villanueva

April o'neil

Ned tash

Kara

Don billingsley

Asami sato

Beau hutton

Monica long dutton

Joey coalter

Celine naville

Sam munroe

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