#keeping it simple for this week cause I've got other stuff going on

[stxrvel]

the outbreak

summary: your bruised heart and shattered mind have feelings for Bucky and you had planned to tell him very soon, however, the disastrous outcome of the last mission and a heated argument make you think the best option was to keep quiet.

pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

words: 8k or so

warnings: implicit reference of suicidal thoughts, some suicidal accusations, maybe like get your shit together kind of stuff, a lot of bad words, angst. there's just no happy endings in this account. mentions to explosions. also, there's a plot in the plot? that kinda got there out of nowhere, but i liked the way it turned out. probably do a second part later.

note: hey! i can't believe I actually managed to get one thing done and ready to be published in one day, i think i got lucky. im still working on the next part of how to break a routine in one year but it's been a rough journey, i don't know how it would end up in the end. still hope you like this and know that feedback is really appreciated! really love reading your comments and opinions 💜

1.5, part 2!

You were static all the way back to the Complex. Your ears were still ringing from the vibrations of the bombs that exploded near you and which, by sheer luck, didn't cause your death. You couldn't look up from your clasped hands and you couldn't shake the chagrin in your chest that hadn't left you since you saw the look on Bucky Barnes' face when you were found in the rubble.

It was supposed to be a simple mission. Extraction of information, no more than five hours and you would return to the Complex. But it got complicated when you were ambushed, as if they were already expecting an Avengers team to show up in that building and they were ready for anything. You weren't supposed to face anything that day, otherwise you wouldn't have gone on the mission in the first place.

You knew you were always going to be the team's priority when they went on an extraction mission, whether it was information or people. You weren't the most skilled or the most resourceful, so the team had to keep their eyes on you and the mission objective. That in itself felt like a burden, so you always tried to just do your job and not complicate things for the others.

This time, however, you couldn't keep yourself safe, not even despite the orders given to you by the team and the mission leader: Bucky. You were casually perusing the shelves of a room where you knew the information they were looking for, which was vital to knowing the enemy you were dealing with at the moment, was to be found. You were so close to getting it that electricity surged through your limbs and little shots of adrenaline coursed through your body.

But, at that moment, Bucky's voice reached your hearing.

“Y/N, get out of there right now and meet Wanda on the first floor.”

“Hold on a second. I've almost got it.”

“I told you to get out of there right now. It wasn't a goddamn recommendation.”

“Can't you wait a second, Bucky? This is the key to everything and you know it.”

“I don't give a fuck about those documents, Y/N! Get out of there right now!”

And you should have listened to him. You should have listened to him the first time. But you always had this constant need to prove yourself, to make your time count for others and for them to notice that you were worth something. That you weren't a burden on the team. For a while the line of that goal was blurred, you didn't know if you were trying to convince them or yourself. On that occasion, you decided to make the decision to prove your worth and stay to find out what they had spent weeks focusing their time on.

“Fuck,” you heard Bucky curse. “Wanda, can you come in for-?”

The sound of a large explosion caused horrible interference on the team's communicators.

Sadly, until that moment you understood that maybe you should have listened to the team leader. Still, you held your place for a few more seconds until you found your target. But it was too late by the time the building began to shake.

It had taken the team about twenty-five minutes to find you. They didn't even know how you had survived.

“Bucky, what happened in-?”

“I'll give the mission report to Fury later,” the man cut off Steve Rogers' words, walking past him without giving him a glance, and continued on his way straight to the entrance of the Complex.

Steve turned his gaze until his eyes rested on yours. You felt like you had a lot of words stuck in your throat, a lot of overflowing feelings that you couldn't control. You just looked down again and approached him to hand over the mission objective. For which you risked your life almost without thinking. Then you walked straight back to your little room and didn't leave for the rest of the day.

---

Your friendship with Bucky was great. From the moment you joined the group, he was the person you hit it off with the fastest, surprising almost everyone on the team. Even before you got to know Bucky, even though you didn't consider yourself an outgoing person, you would tell him stories about your day and mundane things you did every day. At first you didn't even know if the man was listening to you, you just knew he was there and never left until you were done talking.

The situation wasn't so bad. You were used to talking to yourself since you started living on your own, a couple of years before you joined the team. Sometimes when Bucky came into the kitchen or appeared in the living room, you were already mumbling to yourself about something.

For a while you never knew why he stayed to listen to you.

And months went by like that. Each time you would show up wherever he was or he would show up wherever you were and you would just tell him something. A story from your childhood, a story from your grandparents' lives, a news item from around the world, an extremely strange and bizarre fun fact.

That little interaction was something you quickly got used to.

That is, until outsiders had to dip their spoon in and stick ideas that didn't belong in your head. Ideas you weren't supposed to have or even consider once. You knew it, but you learned it again the hard way.

“Have you seen Bucky today?” you asked Sam Wilson once when you walked into the kitchen.

“No,” the man quickly replied, finishing his coffee.

You pursed your lips and were already on your way back to look for him elsewhere when Sam's voice reached your ears again.

“You hit it off pretty quick with him, huh? I thought he was a tough nut to crack.”

“Don't talk about him as a thing. And it's really not that complicated to get to know him. You just have to make an effort and not push.”

“Roger that, Captain,” Sam smiled and took a sip of his coffee.

Hearing that lit a light bulb in your head.

“And have you seen Steve?”

Sam shook his head as he lowered his mug to rest it on the kitchen counter. “No. They must be together because I haven't seen them since yesterday. Maybe they went out on a mission?”

You nodded at his words, thoughtfully.

“But he didn't tell me he had to leave today…” you mumbled, but it reached Sam's ears.

“Does he usually tell you what he does in the day, too?”

You turned to look at him, distracted.

“Something like that. He only does that when I ask him to go shopping with me.”

“He goes shopping with you? Really?”

“Sure,” you quickly replied focusing all your attention on his surprised face. “It's a dangerous world for women, you know? I can't take chances.”

“Clint goes shopping once a month. You've never ordered from him?”

“No, I like to walk around the supermarkets and look at every single thing on the shelves. Clint is very fast and boring.”

“Ah, so the only person you feel comfortable with at those times is Bucky.”

You shook your head in a nod, completely unaware of what the man was trying to imply with his words.

“Natasha once accompanied me, but because she flashed the knife hidden on her hip at every man who saw us for more than five seconds, she was banned from more than seven venues and the police were almost called.”

“Mmm,” Sam nodded. “Sounds very much in keeping.”

“So yeah, that's why Bucky is my shopping buddy. Steve is very inquisitive, Tony brags every two minutes about how quick and easy he could do the market from the app on his phone, Wanda gets lost in the movie section and I can hardly ever get her out and you just don't shop because you leave it all to Clint.”

“And Bruce?”

“He leaves a list for Clint or asks FRIDAY to take note of every time he says he needs something so she can forward it to Clint.”

“Wow, who knew the Avengers were such bad shopping buddies.”

“Yeah. Bucky just walks with me, reaches for things that are too high and does his own shopping quietly. Or sometimes we chat. About shopping stuff.”

“That's very domestic of him.”

You let out a short laugh, agreeing with his description. It was something you thought about from time to time.

“Bucky is a very domestic person, actually.”

“You seem to know him well.”

“Maybe so. Only from what I can see of him by his actions.”

“He's not very active with you in talks then.”

“Not very much. But if you can get to know him well, it's easy to tell what he means just by his behaviors.”

Sam gave you a nod, his coffee on the counter long forgotten.

Then, as if his mind hadn't processed what he meant, out of his mouth came the last words you would have wanted to hear in the world.

“You two would make a good couple.”

You snapped out of your head for a moment, almost abruptly. You turned to look at him as if he had a magnet that attracted your gaze and you almost pulled a lung out of your chest from how loudly you snorted at those words. That man had lost his mind.

“What?”

“What?” Sam repeated, his brow furrowing without losing the hint of amusement it caused him to see you so flustered for saying something so mundane. “It's no secret to anyone that you're the person he spends the most time with in the entire Complex. You do a lot of things together, including shopping. Like a couple would. You know what? You already act like a couple even if it's not official.”

“You have no idea what you're talking about.”

“Oh, but I do have an idea. We all have eyes here, Y/N. It's not hard to notice the look in both of our eyes when-”

“All right, that's enough!” you exclaimed, and Sam just shrugged. “I don't want you ever hinting like that again, is that clear?”

And he didn't do it again. But you should have paid more attention when he spoke in the plural. Even though he was the first, he wasn't the only one to express his opinion freely about your friendly relationship with Bucky when you didn't ask for it. It was as if Sam unleashed a horde of unwanted comments about the normal, domestic things you did with Bucky.

It wasn't long before you began to feel uncomfortable when the two of you were in some room in the Complex with some third party who was intruding.

“Are you okay?” Bucky asked you once you were in the common room of the Complex.

You remembered turning to look at him in bewilderment as you snapped out of your cloud of thoughts. You saw him sitting next to you, a safe distance away. Like two normal friends. You were telling him a story your mother had told you about your grandmother many years ago when you felt a look on your face. You ignored it at first completely because you were too engrossed in your story and felt you didn't care if anyone else came into the room.

But then you met Clint's eyes. And everything went into a tailspin.

“Yeah. All good,” you shook your head trying to play it down, but you underestimated Bucky's knowledge of you. “Why?”

“You were quiet.”

“For less than ten seconds,” you let out a nervous laugh. In that moment you felt like a pressure cooker, your mind moving anxiously like the lid blowing the air out.

You noticed out of the corner of your eye that Bucky averted his gaze and you turned to look at him to realise that he had focused his attention on the person sitting in one of the far armchairs with a comic book in his hands. He looked so deep in concentration that his presence in the room was barely noticeable.

“Does it bother you that Clint is here?”

“What?” you exclaimed, suddenly a little louder than you should have. “No, of course not, why would it bother me?”

Bucky arched an eyebrow.

“That's what I'm trying to understand.”

His unwavering expression couldn't give you any answer as to what was going through his head. You mentally berated yourself for trying to find out something you didn't want to know, that you shouldn't even be considering.

“Even if it bothered me that Clint was here, why would that be relevant?”

The man next to you raised his eyebrows as if you'd asked the question with the most obvious answer in the world.

“Because you're uncomfortable.”

You frowned.

“Do you care that much that I'm uncomfortable?”

“Yes, because you haven't finished the story. I still don't know what happened to the chicken.”

His words left your mind blank for a few seconds. You didn't know whether to be flattered, because he seemed genuinely interested in what you were telling him, or offended because he seemed to take it only as a method of entertainment. Either way, the important thing was that you had his attention, right?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

You were suddenly annoyed to realise that your thoughts were taking the wrong turn, being fully influenced by the words Sam and the others had let out about your relationship with Bucky. You couldn't allow yourself to drift slowly into a place you didn't want to return to, because you knew well the consequences and side effects. Even though sometimes you felt you were already in that place.

You were fine with the way you were, nothing else mattered. You were fine with the way you were, nothing else mattered. You were fine just with the way you were, nothing else mattered….

“Do you want to go somewhere else?”

“You know this is the longest conversation we've ever had?”

Impulsively you changed the topic of conversation. And you knew Bucky had noticed by the way his eyes narrowed and he didn't say anything for a few seconds. You stood in silence, a small staring battle, Bucky trying to make you give in, until he let out an exhausted sigh and averted his gaze.

“It's not the longest conversation.”

“Yes, it is. You talked to me more than five times.”

Bucky let out a short disbelieving laugh, his head jerking in rhythm with the sound coming out of his mouth. You watched him carefully for the duration of the gesture, because it wasn't something that happened very often.

“I'm sure we've had longer conversations.”

“The monosyllables you answer me with at the mall don't count.”

Bucky let out a breath and his lips pressed into a thin line. It was your turn to laugh, genuinely amused. His eyes flickered up to meet yours.

“You give yourself a lot more credit than you should,” you told him after a while, when your laughter had subsided and his expression was more serene.

“Yeah, whatever,” he mumbled. “What happened to the chicken?”

Over time, you learned to manage your awkwardness so that Bucky wouldn't suspect your uncomfortable behaviour and avoid questions you didn't want to answer. Sometimes, you thought you were excellent at hiding what your body wanted to show with its language, and other times you felt that Bucky just didn't bring up the subject to avoid making you even more uncomfortable. But surely he wanted to ask.

So that was the routine you usually had. It wasn't strange for anyone to see you walking around the Complex together or going out together, and it wasn't strange for you to see everyone with knowing smiles as you passed each other.

Even though it was difficult, you felt you coped well. Always ignoring that voice in the back of your head that tried to alert you that something had happened in the feeling system. If you just ignored it, then it was nothing.

Everything was still relatively normal.

Until that damned mission where you decided not to listen to him.

It had been a week since the incident and if Bucky had looked at you at least once when you were in the same place, that was a lot to say.

Sam had tried to ask you several times what had happened on the mission and why Bucky didn't even acknowledge your presence when sometimes you were right next to him, but you were never able to answer him. You didn't want to talk about it when every time you remembered the cold look he'd given you the moment Wanda removed the chunk of concrete that had almost fallen on top of you, only being cushioned by the wall you'd stuck to before it all came crashing down. His light eyes had always felt warm, made you feel welcome to him the moment you wanted to enter, but in that instant his eyes were watching you as if he wanted you to disappear from the face of the earth.

You couldn't bear the memory. Not when you were already used to his presence and his silences; to his short laughs and mumbled answers. Not when you were already starting to feel comfortable with the ideas you were getting in your head despite trying to convince yourself otherwise; that maybe Sam and the others weren't so wrong. That maybe… they might be right.

But they were just that. Ideas. Stupid thoughts that were going around in your head to salve your poor heart.

Ever since you came back from the mission, you knew how unlikely it was that everyone else was right. The only thing they saw between the two of you, that they talked about so much, was your own feelings bouncing off all the walls that Bucky had and that he hadn't dropped at any point like you thought he had. It was only the reflection of your adoration for him in his eyes. There was never really anything about him that gave them to understand that he felt the same way you did about him, it was only the extent of your love that covered him too.

But nothing was ever really reciprocated.

And coming to that conclusion wasn't as difficult as you thought it would be.

Being hopeful wasn't your style. Although you were always cheerful and tried to put your best face to the world, you weren't one to fall easily for the words and actions of others. That's why you kept your relationship with Bucky at bay for so long, because you knew it wasn't possible for him to see you with the love you longed to give him. You were always sure. But then, and you didn't really know how you got to that point, you began to think that, if other people could see it so clearly, then suddenly it might be true. Maybe Bucky could return your feelings and then the world wasn't just black and white.

Wrong.

For a moment you allowed yourself to forget and let your defences down for that little flame of hope, even though you knew you shouldn't have, that you hadn't done it in years for something and it didn't have to be any different this time. You did, and it was a mistake.

“So, what do you say?”

You raised your head to look at Wanda's expectant face. Her raised eyebrows and the way she moved her hands in her lap gave you a hint that she was feeling nervous. She was trying to hide it, but you could also see that she was a little afraid. Her light, barely perceptible voice gave you the feeling that she was afraid of unleashing a storm with her conjectures.

“That it's crazy.”

“It's definitely crazy,” the woman in front of you sighed, her eyes drifting from your figure to her surroundings trying to deal with the weight of the revelations she'd had these past few days.

Your body leaned against the armchair behind you, and you lowered your head until you could look at the book lying on your crossed legs. You looked at the letters and frowned as you tried to understand again what it was all about.

“That could also be just a story.”

“I don't think so,” Wanda mused, then raised her head to look at you. “There's a reason these books are here.”

“Yeah, just like there's a reason for us not to be in here.”

“Then why did you follow me?”

Wanda crossed her arms under her chest, an annoyed expression taking over her face.

“I didn't think you were going to show me something like this,” you admitted, taking the book in your hands and running your eyes over the text and figures once more. “I didn't even think it was possible.”

“I told you my dreams were starting to become more accurate.”

You shook your head in a nod, your mind trying to figure out what that could mean for your friend's future. You knew it was possible that Wanda was doing her best not to see the whole horizon of negative possibilities emerging from that situation, but you were also aware of the weight she must be feeling with all those thoughts running through her head coupled with the likelihood of not having an answer. Your head schemed for a possible solution that might not be welcome.

“Why don't you go talk to Strange?”

Wanda twisted her lips, the reaction you expected.

“I get the impression that the first thing he'd do would be to lock me in his magical dungeon.”

You wanted to contradict her, but it was partly true. You knew Strange to be a man who didn't see nuance in black and white. It was only about good and bad, with no in-between. But you suggested it because he was the only person besides Wanda who knew as much about magic and sorcery as she did, even more thanks to the position he held. His methods were questionable, probably, but the range of his knowledge was something greater than either of you could question.

You closed the book and ran your fingers over the material of its cover, so stiff and dirty that you could barely even try to guess what century it was from.

“Even if what this book says is true, we don't have the original book to confirm it. We don't even know if it exists.”

“The Darkhold is real,” Wanda contradicted you almost immediately, and the certainty in her voice sent a shiver down your spine.

“What, you've seen it in dreams too?”

When Wanda averted her eyes from yours, you had to restrain the urge to hit her over the head with the book you were holding.

“Wanda!”

“I'm sorry!”

You saw her quickly get up from the floor and start walking around the place you had taken over in the library you were in. From the outside, it looked like a small room with a few shelves full of books, but the further you went in, the less it seemed like it would have any end to it. It was one of the largest rooms in the Complex. And, courtesy of Wanda, you now knew that it was the only room with another hidden room that almost ninety-five percent of the Complex staff were barred from entering. You were convinced that only the Director, Maria Hill, Tony Stark and Stephen Strange were allowed in there.

Now, how could Wanda concentrate enough energy to find and open the hidden entrance to that place? A complete mystery to you.

“The Darkhold was the first thing I saw before my dreams started getting weird. It was only a couple of weeks ago.”

“After you dreamt about it, you started having the lucid dreams?”

“Yes, it was very strange,” Wanda shook her head and stopped her feet in front of you, her expression thoughtful as if her mind was conjuring up all her dreams at once. “Sometimes I dream things where I'm sure it's me, that if I looked in a mirror I'd be sure it was me. But other times, I feel like my dream is focused on showing me someone else's memories. Like I'm inside someone else's mind… but that person is me.”

The woman looked at you, her face contracted in confusion and exhaustion.

“Why didn't you tell me this before?”

Wanda sat back down on the floor in front of you, her legs crossed and her elbows resting on her knees. You watched her run her hands over her face repeatedly before answering.

“I didn't want to worry you. I didn't want to worry anyone. At first I had thought this was too crazy for anyone to believe me, but when I came here and found that book I started to fear for myself. I didn't want to get locked up if anyone found out.”

“Don't say that. No one's going to lock you up.”

You threw the book with the stiff cover somewhere on the floor and moved from your spot to approach your friend. You didn't hesitate for a second to wrap her in your arms and squeeze her against your body.

You didn't know how you had gone so many days without noticing the tiredness in her eyes and the dark bags under her eyes. You'd been so wrapped up in your own head that you hadn't even been able to notice when something was eating away at your friend's sanity. Being one of those things… mhm, you know….

“Don't worry. You're not going to go crazy and want to rule the universe. That sounds too surreal.”

“I'd like to know if my dreams are fabrications or visions.”

You turned away from the woman, your brows furrowing at the implication of her words.

“You're not going to become what that book says.”

“But what if…?”

“No, Wanda.”

“What if it's tipping me off?”

“And who's doing it?” you inquired as you sat back on your heels, your gaze focused on your friend's obfuscated expression. “The Darkhold? Some silly alternate version of yourself from another universe? Now that's crazy!”

Wanda turned her head away and her shoulders slumped.

“That would mean my dreams are unexplained. They're just dreams.”

“Maybe that's for the best. Even the multiverse theory hasn't been proven enough for us to conjecture beyond our own reality.”

“Still, isn't it strange?”

“Of course it is. It's just too weird. I just meant that it doesn't mean you're destined to become that bizarre alter ego.”

You saw her press her lips into a line, then nod her head slightly. She didn't really look convinced, and neither were you, to be honest. Of everything she had told you, you couldn't understand half of it, and the other half you could barely believe was true. The magic was a few levels above your understanding of reality and altering it all in a few minutes was proving to be a really complicated job.

Still, seeing her anguished face at the possibility of what her dreams and that book implied, you knew you had to say something to try to calm the thoughts in her head. Even if it was something tiny that couldn't even come close to being true. You couldn't let those evil ideas fill her head and make her think she was some kind of villain when it couldn't be further from the truth.

If that was the future, it wasn't the future of the Wanda in front of you, her gaze lost and her eyes full of fear. Someone who worried like that about what might happen, even if she wasn't completely convinced of it, only thinking of the slightest possibility, couldn't have an ounce of evil in her.

“Maybe you're right-”

“What the fuck are you two doing here?”

You cringed as you heard a new voice join in the room when you hadn't even heard the footsteps of anyone approaching. Least of all from the two people who had just appeared down the same path you and Wanda had come down.

“Uhm…”

Your voice came out shaky, not at the prospect of receiving yet another punishment for being in a forbidden place for the level you were at as an agent, you'd already seen that coming, but because standing next to a very angry Tony Stark was Bucky. And he was staring at you so hard you feared he might punch a hole in your soul.

You felt Wanda's gaze on you. You turned to see her slowly, as if making any sudden movements would upset the bundle of fury in front of you. You could almost see the veins in her forehead pop.

With one glance, you knew that Wanda had no idea that the room had any kind of sensor. Even though it would make sense for it to have one, it would be illogical because it's a door hidden with magic. Normal people wouldn't notice it by looking through matter or something.

Nevertheless, it was magic that was what it was all about. Surely Strange would have some magical failsafe, kind of.

“None of you are going to respond?”

“I believe the situation responds on its own,” Wanda answered him, and Tony's dark eyes settled on her in a matter of seconds.

For a moment you thought his face had faltered, that his expression had slumped, but just as quickly you noticed, just as quickly it was gone.

Then, his gaze wandered across the floor where you stood with a number of books around you, until it settled on the book you had been reading moments before his arrival. You hadn't realised where it had fallen when you threw it when you got up to hug Wanda, but that must have been your lucky day because it was far enough away to make him think that it had only been taken out, but not opened.

Tony moved quickly to take the book in his hands and then gave you a wary look.

“Did you open this?”

As if we were going to say yes.

“No,” you replied quickly, averting your gaze from the frozen man behind Tony.

“Good.”

You watched him tuck the small, stiff book into his jacket before glancing back at the mess of books on the floor.

“Move along. Strange isn't going to be happy.”

The two men moved sideways, clearing the way for you and Wanda to exit the way you came.

Without a second's hesitation, you both got up and started walking in the direction of the exit.

“How the hell did you know where the entrance was?” Tony questioned Wanda once you were all out of the hidden room, and the aforementioned turned around to watch the door slam shut before disappearing.

"I guess I got lucky."

Tony clicked his tongue, but said nothing more. He turned on his heels to begin his walk towards the library exit followed by Bucky who clearly didn't give you a single word other than judging looks.

Wanda nudged you lightly with her body, the previous topic almost completely forgotten, with a half smile on her face. You didn't know if it was good to drop the subject so spontaneously, but you did know that you didn't want her to continue to have those thoughts running through her head.

“You haven't spoken to Bucky?”

“I'm puzzled that the subject is funny to you.”

“I'm not amused,” Wanda tried to rectify, lowering her voice as she saw that the two men in front of her had stopped at the library exit. “But I don't think he's mad at you.”

“Today is your day of the wildest theories I've ever heard, how can he possibly not be mad at me?”

Wanda sighed and watched the back of the aforementioned, who was apparently talking to Steve Rogers.

“You scared us all that day. But Bucky was… terrified. I knew you were alive, and I told him, but he wouldn't believe me until he could see it with his own eyes. He was too scared at the time. And, to be honest, I think that scare made him realise something he doesn't want to accept now. That's probably why he's staying away from you.”

You watched your friend with narrowed eyes, your body turned in her direction.

“Did you get inside his head?”

“Of course not!”

“Because that's wildly accurate, Wanda. How can you conclude something like that just by looking at someone?”

“I've had a week to do it,” the woman waved her hand in the air, downplaying the matter before resuming her walk when the men up ahead finally moved. “And I happen to be very good at reading people's body language.”

“Yeah, right.”

Wanda grunted at your tone of voice.

“I really didn't get inside his head, Y/N. I swore I wouldn't do it again and I'm keeping my word.”

“Alright, let's say I believe you,” you agreed and turned to look at her just as she rolled her eyes at your words. “That's not reason enough to talk to him.”

“And why not?” Wanda raised her voice, quizzical. “I practically gave you the answer.”

“Knowing doesn't make things any easier, woman.”

Wanda let out a whine so loud and exaggerated that several of the people walking past her frowned at her.

“The real answer is to just talk to him. Do you know how many problems are solved a year just by talking?”

You shook your head in denial. “He's avoiding me-”

“And you seem to be okay with that.”

“I'm not.”

“Then why haven't you done anything to change it yet?”

You knew she was right, but to be honest and to no one's surprise, you didn't want to deal with the confrontation and find out that what you always thought and the reason you kept yourself on edge was true. Even though it clearly was. But to have the chance to hear it come from his mouth directly? You were definitely past having that experience. You no longer doubted that his feelings for you were as non-existent as you first thought and that you should never have listened to people's words, giving yourself false hope. You didn't want to face your own mind and the fact that you got into this heart trouble on your own when you had always been so cautious. Weighing the risk of Bucky pushing so far inside your head that you knew the real darkness was reason enough to be a little content with silence.

Talking to him would solve a percentage of the situation, the professional. You would apologise another thousand times for not listening to him during the mission, you would tell him that you would do everything in your power not to react that way again, and that was it. But the other percentage of the situation would not be resolved; the percentage that involves you more than him. Even if you apologise and he accepts your apology, nothing could assure you that things would go back to the way they were before, that you would go back to being attached to each other as you have been since you met.

And that should be good, because you could finally get away from him and get all those feelings off your chest and out of your mind like you should have done in the first place to avoid the eventuality of him suddenly knowing too much about you, but at the same time you didn't want to end something that could have been so good. Even without getting romantic, your friendship with Bucky was one of the things you cherished the most, and you didn't want to make yourself forget it as if it had never happened.

“What is it that scares you?”

“That I was right all along.”

Wanda gave you her reprimanding look and paused to stare at you with that scowl on her face. You inhaled sharply and stopped in front of her, watching her expectantly.

“I'll take Tony,” she blurted out suddenly, not wiping that expression off her face.

“What?”

“I'm taking him and you better hope that when we meet again you have good news.”

“What are you talking about?”

Without answering, Wanda turned her body and walked in the direction of the three men who had stopped once again to talk. Bucky and Tony had their backs to you, but you could see the typical serious expression disappear from Steve's face to give way to surprise the moment Wanda landed in the middle of him and Tony with a big smile.

The woman shared a few words with the stunned blond, before turning to Tony and sending you a fleeting glance over the man's shoulder.

“Don't you think you're keeping Strange waiting too long?”

“How did you know that he-?”

“I didn't. But you already gave me the answer. We'd better go now.”

Following her order, Wanda curled her arm around the arm of a paralyzed Tony and started walking, waving goodbye to the others.

“Bye, Y/N! Don't stand in the middle of the hallway!”

You cringed as the gaze of the people walking past you landed on you, and gritted your teeth as you saw Steve's gaze on you. Without a bit of disguise, Steve ran his gaze over you and then over Bucky and back again as if he was having a short circuit inside his head.

You weren't too far away to notice Bucky's stiff shoulders, and you guessed he was saying goodbye to Steve when the blond turned his gaze to watch him. Seconds later, the black-haired man started to walk the way Wanda had gone with Tony, but Steve stopped him before he took any more steps away from the tense atmosphere.

“Wait,” you heard Steve's voice and flinched as you watched Bucky look down to see the Captain's hand clutch his left arm, then look up and give him a look that you knew would have chilled you from head to toe, but Steve seemed to ignore it as if it was an everyday occurrence. “Actually, since I've got you two in one place, I need to talk to you.”

You watched the blond shake his head pointing to the door next to him then walk in his direction.

You followed them from a distance and closed the door behind you. It was one of the small common rooms around the Complex. You still remembered how surprised you had been when you first arrived to see how many clear work areas they had in that place. Of course, to house and protect the peace of mind of hundreds of workers.

Bucky slumped into one of the green armchairs carelessly and Steve stood on his feet in the middle of the room.

“I spoke to Fury this morning,” the blond began, alternating his gaze between the two of you. “You'll be back on a mission next week.”

You raised your head expecting to see that Steve was referring to Bucky, but no. He was staring at you from his position.

“So soon?”

“What do I have to do with this?”

You and Bucky spoke at the same time, and you couldn't hide the pain that settled in your chest hard as you heard those were the first words you'd heard from him in seven days.

Steve pursed his lips and alternated his gaze again before speaking again.

“Fury agreed to let you go on the mission after a recon team inspects the site in case of possible attacks.”

You nodded slightly. That was a little ugly to hear, too. Just a little.

“You'll go with Clint and Bucky on the mission.”

You were expecting those words to come out of his mouth because there was no other reason to have locked them both in here. What you didn't expect (though you should have) was to see Bucky roll his eyes and drop his head on the back of the couch in the most horrible gesture of disgust and ennui you'd ever seen from him since you'd known him. During this week of being a zero to the left for the aforementioned, you'd noticed that Bucky was very expressive when he wanted someone to realise that they were strongly hated by him.

It wasn't something you wanted to know, really.

“Clint will be the backup so he'll stay inside the Quinjet flying over the structure in case of a possible attack. You and Y/N are going to enter the building and perform the extraction of one person.”

One person? That was new. You could hardly remember the last time you'd had such a mission.

“Why did he pick me?”

“I have no idea, Buck. He just gave me the order to tell you.”

“Who's the person we're supposed to extract?”

“That I don't know,” Steve replied. “Fury was very cautious with the information. Any minute now the report should reach you.”

“And you're busy?” Bucky asked again, his gaze focused solely on the blond standing in front of him.

At the time, you hated what he was doing. You understood that he didn't want to go on that mission with you because he didn't feel comfortable or just didn't want to see you, but it cost him nothing to have a little, just a little compassion enough to not try to get rid of you and that mission right in front of you as if you weren't listening to him.

“Bucky…”

Steve sighed, but the man in front of him didn't soften his expression or make any pretense of taking back his words.

“If you've got a problem with this, you should go talk it over with Fury,” the blond recommended, not answering his question directly, sending him a hard glare before turning to look at you again. “See you later.”

You nodded in his direction and the man quickly left the room.

The silence that followed was deadly.

You watched the man continue to sit in that armchair, his jaw tense, his hands clenched and his eyes fixed on the wall in front of him. He was so still he looked like a statue. It was scary.

You tried to take a tentative step in his direction, but noticing your movement roused him from his trance and he stood up quickly. He let out a sigh and walked out of the room without looking at you.

You felt a kind of courage catch in your throat when you called out to him.

“Bucky.”

“No,” the man replied almost instantly, his body near the door turning violently to stare at you and point his index finger at you. The angry look he gave you made you regret all the decisions in your life that had brought you to that moment. “I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to hear your apology. I don't want anything from you.”

With each word he moved closer to you until you had to start backing away. You were too surprised at how he had exploded just hearing you call out to him. He must have had too much pent up. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to do this at the time.

“If you want to blow off steam, talk to a fucking wall. But don't come near me or try to fix something you broke with your bare hands.”

You felt the air that entered your body freeze your lungs. His piercing eyes and angry expression shattered any willpower you had collected since Steve left the room, but it was the way his voice broke as he was finishing speaking that took the words right out of your mouth.

“You could have simply listened to me and you didn't. That's all. There is nothing you can apologise for because you yourself decided, within your will, that your life mattered nothing compared to the goal of that fucking mission.”

His eyes wouldn't leave yours and you hated the way you felt the prior sting of tears make your vision blurrier each time because you didn't want to miss a single detail of his face. He was so angry, furious, disappointed and... desperate to let you know how you had made him feel.

“And I don't know if you do, but I don't see what excuse is good enough to justify that.”

The thread of tension you felt in the air was choking you and you didn't know what to do to stop the tears from escaping your eyes. You would have expected anything but such an explosion of rage against you. It wasn't normal for Bucky to have such outbursts, and it also seemed that he knew exactly what points to make because you suddenly felt helpless in the way he was exposing his thoughts about you. Which perhaps weren't far from the truth.

“I didn't want to give you an excuse,” you were barely able to reply, at the tense look he was giving you. Your mind was working hard to avoid touching on the subject he was apparently trying to bring up.

“I don't see how that's any better.”

“I just wanted to apologise. I know I was wrong, okay? I think about it every day since we got back and I know I made a mistake. But I didn't throw my life away by just thinking about accomplishing the mission.”

Bucky let out a raw, lazy laugh without a hint of humor. You felt a shiver run through your body and it was unwelcome.

“I bet you didn't even think about the possibility of getting out alive after you heard the first explosion and that didn't matter to you.”

“It wasn't like that!” you replied instantly, raising your voice to match his, your head suddenly panicking.

“You didn't care because you were only thinking about the mission!”

“But how could we come back empty-handed, Bucky!? All that effort and time to be left with nothing!? Wasn't that worse?”

“Of course not! What the fuck makes you think we'd prefer an inconclusive fucking lead on a team member's life?”

“For God's sake, Bucky Barnes!” you roared and turned away from the man, a wave of anger coursing through your body burning away any trace of sadness you might have felt just moments ago. You knew that feeling and it wasn't welcome. You knew this argument wasn't going to end well, but seeing the look on Bucky's face you knew he wasn't just going to walk away if you asked him to.

Even though your mind was focused on avoidance, you tried to prepare yourself for the possibility that you might end up saying things you shouldn't, too.

“And don't give me any fucking shit about how you knew everything was going to be okay because I don't believe you.”

“Well don't believe me,” you exclaimed turning to look at him. “Don't believe anything that comes out of my mouth if that's what you want. That's not going to erase the fact that I do regret not listening to you and risking my life like that.”

“Lies.”

You half-opened your lips, your face contorted in disbelief. It couldn't have been that easy for him…

“I just told you-”

“And less than twenty seconds ago you said how dare I even think about coming back empty-handed, instead of thinking about how I'd come back to tell the rest of the team that you were dead.”

“But I'm not dead.”

Bucky shook his head.

“Now, you're just telling me what I want to hear.”

“No, I'm telling you the truth.”

“You're not telling me anything, Y/N! Are you sorry for what you did? Good for you. But tell me something, would you do it differently if you had another chance?”

“What?”

“If you woke up tomorrow and we were on that mission again, me yelling at you to get out of the building, would you?”

You didn't even have to think twice to know the answer, but saying it out loud was much scarier than just being silent. Silence.

“I thought so.”

Still, even knowing you didn't have the upper hand in that fight, you tried to convince yourself otherwise.

“That doesn't explain anything, Bucky, I don't-”

“Stop lying already. If you really wanted to apologise to me you could have at least had the decency to tell the truth.”

“Fuck,” you muttered, the anger and irritability of your cowardice coming out to take it out on anyone but you. “You're a fucking genius then, aren't you? You know everything.”

“Well, it looks like you're the only one who doesn't.”

“You can't know what was going through my head at the time. You don't know everything!”

“Then fucking tell me: what were you thinking?”

Your mind went blank. And then words. Thoughts. Images. Nothing encouraging, nothing that would help your case. Again, fear came over you and you couldn't respond. You knew you were playing with fire, especially with him. Especially with the man who had learned to see beyond the cheerful, untroubled woman you were always trying to be.

“I was listening to you and I wanted to get out-”

“Then why didn't you?”

You didn't want him to keep pushing because you felt you wouldn't be able to keep running in the opposite direction. The weight of his words was more than the weight of your silence could bear. Silence.

“Now, with what face are you going to tell me you weren't lying?”

I'm sorry.

“This isn't fair.”

“Oh, so you're the one going through an injustice now. Funny.”

Your body felt his words hurt you, and too much, and instinctively your mind and your defence mechanisms leapt to take control of your words, even though you didn't mean to. Even though you knew you shouldn't because someone in that room was right and it wasn't you. Because you couldn't control the way your mind sought to get out and hide from the confrontations that questioned the way you lived. That was why you kept your distance. It was why you had boundaries with Bucky.

Damn the moment when you decided to believe what others said.

“Why does it matter now what happened back then? I'm here now, giving you an apology you don't want to accept just because I wanted to try to save what we had.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows and stood in a state of stupefaction for a few seconds. His eyes twitched and blinked rapidly as if his head didn't believe what he had heard and he mentally replayed it several times.

“What we had? What exactly did we have?”

“A friendship, Bucky! A mutual appreciation. A mutual respect.”

How you dare to talk about respect?

“Having a friendship implies that you worry and care about what the other person feels.”

Bucky watched you expectantly. His furious face gave no room for contradiction and you soon found yourself between a rock and a hard place. This man wasn't going to give up until he got what he wanted, and you didn't know how things would turn out when he did. You didn't speak, waiting for him to continue.

“When you were in that building, did you think about me, besides cursing me a thousand times for not letting you accomplish the mission while I was trying to save your life?”

Silence.

“Did you care, at any point, what would have become of me if you hadn't gotten out of that building?”

“Bucky, but that's not what-”

“Can you just answer…! Answer the fucking question.”

Silence.

“I… there was too much going on in my head at the same time.”

“But you weren't thinking about getting out of there!” he screamed.

“I thought I was a burden!" you screamed back, his hard stare breaking your self-control and you lowered your head. “I thought you always have to take care of me when I go on missions. I thought I don't really contribute anything important to the team. I thought I'd be a failure if I came back empty-handed when I was so close to making it. I thought… I thought nothing else mattered but accomplishing the mission.”

The last you admitted almost with shame. And though you struggled to think otherwise, your own mind accused you of not being strong enough to endure. You had to feel that shame because someone wasn't really supposed to know, not even for the fact that you had just admitted to him that you had crudely lied to him by excusing yourself behind a false apology, but because that was something that wasn't supposed to leave your head. Because they would always leave, they would abandon you, they wouldn't look back twice. And you were expectantly torn to see the moment when that would happen.

Bucky was just watching you. When you looked up to see him, you noticed that his angry expression had softened just a little. His gaze hovered over your figure for a few seconds until he let out a sigh.

“You've got a lot to work on, Y/N.”

And he left the room. You didn't try or think to stop him for a second. The stark truth of what you had said echoed off the walls and came back at you with such force that you feared it would tear you to pieces. But you did nothing about it. You let it come back because you didn't have the strength to move, you didn't have the strength to do more.

When you let your knees give way under the weight of your body, you curled up next to the couch and cried. You cried as if having said that to Bucky, finally getting those thoughts you tried every day to suppress out, had activated a little reason in your mind. As if, suddenly, you could no longer pretend that everything was all right and try to hide things behind a smile and a story.

You couldn't live your whole life believing that you could live behind a charade, after all.

#bucky fanfic #james bucky barnes #james barnes #winter soldier #bucky fic #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky imagine #bucky angst #bucky barnes angst #bucky x female reader #bucky fluff #bucky x reader #bucky x you #avengers #marvel #the outbreak

[thestarlithideout]

Kisses ~ Anakin Skywalker x Reader

Requested: No Requests are: Open!

Summary: Kissing headcanons with Anakin

Warnings: Fluff, public almost smut

A/n: Moved from my wattpad of the same user

When he's overwhelmed ~ 

This man is literally such a sweetheart. He deserves the fucking world. So when he gets overwhelmed you just feel awful. Whether it be because he's forced to keep his emotions and thoughts bottled up inside him, or because he isn't allowed to show his affection for you in public, or training to become a Jedi Knight. He gets so burnt out sometimes. 

So you lay there on the bed with him, and you have him rant about anything he needs to. You let him tell you about the amazing things he's experienced, before and during the Jedi. Sometimes the thing he needs the most is the most simple. For you to listen. You listen until he's done, done talking about something Obi-Wan did that was incredibly passive aggressive (surprising for a Jedi Master), something that made him mad, something that made him sad, something that reminded him of his mother. Anything really. And after he's finished, you hold him. 

He lays on your chest while you're on your back. You play with his hair as he places soft kisses just below your collarbone. "Anakin, oh my gosh," you say through a soft giggle, "That tickles." He smiles into your chest, and continues to kiss you until you finally dissolve into giddy giggles. 

When he gets back from a mission ~ 

You're both Jedi Masters. So sometimes you get sent off on missions away from one another. It was expected. It was fine. But you just missed each other more than any human brain could comprehend. So when he got home, the only thing you could do was be around each other. 

You hear the door shut with a quiet click of what was technically his apartment, though both of you were staying there for this week. Next week you would stay in your apartment. Your head shot up from the book you were currently reading. You threw off the blankets and ran to the living room, where Anakin was standing with a ginormous grin on face. You flung your arms around his neck, not bothering to let him drop his things on the couch. He wrapped his full hands around your waist and buried his face into your neck. Your body melted into his, and he walked you backwards and to the couch. He dropped his stuff there and immediately after you felt his hands pressing into you, arms becoming tighter around you. "I missed you so much it physically hurt." He mumbled into your neck. 

You chuckled, nodding, "I missed you so much that I  wore your shirts to bed every night." He smiled against you before pulling back, still holding on to you. 

His smile was one of pure happiness, happiness caused by you. You pressed your forehead into his chest, looking down when he just stood there beaming at you. His fingers lifted your chin so you could see his smile, and you felt your face heat up. He tilted his head down to yours, and pressed a gentle kiss against your lips. You sighed as the kiss broke off, "God, I've missed this." You breathed out. 

He chuckled, "I love you." He kissed you again, hands meeting your waist, squeezing slightly. You giggled as your hands found his shoulders, bringing him closer if possible. 

He parted your lips, deepening the kiss. You groaned as his fingers dug deeper into your waist. He smiled, and started leading you backwards towards your shared bedroom. You stumbled over your feet as your hands roamed around his body, pulling him closer to you still. You let him lead you, until you felt your back being pressed into the wall. "I hope this isn't where we're going." You said through the kiss, allowing yourself to breath for a second before kissing his swollen lips once.

"Nope, that was a mistake." He smiled, opening his eyes to meet yours. You chuckled, leaning your head back against the wall, breathing deeply. 

When he's having anxiety/feeling insecure ~ 

Anakin come bursting into the room, making you jump. "Jeez, you scared the shit out of me. What's the matter?" You ask, sitting up on your bed. 

He laid down on the bed next to you, staying silent. "Hey," you settle down next to him, laying on his chest as his arm wraps around you out of reflex. "What's wrong?" You asked softly. 

Still he said nothing, just merely shaking his head to the side. You decide to respect that, and lay down on his chest, squeezing him for a second. "I love you so much." You tell him. And you absolutely mean it, he makes you feel like you never have before. A warmth inside you, butterflies in your stomach, safe, giddy. Loved. 

"I love you." He responded, rubbing circles on your arm with his thumb.

"Are you alright at least? Are you hurt?" You questioned, but tried not to seem like you were being pushy. 

"I'm okay, just a little overwhelmed." 

"Okay," you slowed down, trying to figure out how to carry on the conversation. "Is there anything I can do?" 

He looked at you for the first time since entering the room, he seemed tired, and almost like he had been crying. Glossy eyes, red face. "Just be with me. Promise you won't leave?" Your eyebrows drew together, and you sat up, hand on his chest. 

"I would never leave, Anakin. I'm yours as long as you'll have me." You reassured him. 

He nodded quickly, licking his lips. "Are you sure you're okay? Please talk to me." You pleaded with him, you just wanted to help. 

"I'm just — I guess I'm scared you'll realize you can do better than me..." He trailed off. 

"Listen to me and listen good, Anakin. You're the best thing that has ever — and will ever — happen to me." You explained. "I love you so much. I could never, ever find anyone better than you, even if I wanted to. And I definitely don't. Besides, such a person simply does not exist." The corner of his lip ticked up, and he took a shaky breath in. 

"You're amazing." He said, turning to face you, but a sad hint of disbelief still twinkled in his eyes. You put both hands on either side of his face and pulled him to you, kissing him softly. His hand hesitantly traveled to your waist, and settled there, the other was under your head, but wrapped around your shoulders.

You run a hand through his hair, savoring the feel of him next to you. His nose pressing against the side of yours, his arms around you, his soft lips kissing you with no trace of insecurity now. These are the moments you treasure, the ones alone with him, simply kissing Anakin as he holds you close to him. 

You gently pulled away from him. "Believe me now? You are without a doubt the most amazing person ever." His eyes opened slowly, forehead pressing against yours.

"Yeah." 

In the middle of the night ~ 

If you or him wake up, then there is not a hint of doubt that you'll be laying there admiring each other. He'll trace the features of your face with a feather light touch so not to wake you. He'll trace the curve of your lips, the shape of your cheeks, the bridge of your nose, the fullness of your eyebrows. He'll lay there, and you'll be laying on his arm, facing his chest when you feel a tickle against your cheek. 

You jolt awake, eyes flying open. "Oh damn, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up." He spoke in a throaty voice. It was thick with sleep, he hadn't been awake for long. 

"What were you doing?" You cleared your throat, it was croaky. 

"Just appreciating the view." He smiled as he whispered. Why he was whispering, you didn't know. You smiled, closing your heavy eyes. 

"I love you." You said, half asleep. 

He kissed you in response. A lazy, sloppy kiss. But a sweet one nonetheless. The hand that was not holding you close to him, the one you were laying on, cupped your cheek. Your mouth moved against his, tongue slipping against yours, nose pressing too hard against your cheek. 

But it was wonderful, and blissful, and sleepy. 

He has a nightmare ~ 

He wakes up in a cold sweat, shaking the bed because of how quickly he jolts up. It stirs you in your sleep, and he looks over at you. He silently wished that you would wake up and comfort him, but another part is too scared to wake you up in unreasonable anxiety that you'll brush it off. 

Luckily, or unlucky, depending on how you want to loom at it, you wake up when you roll over, trying to reach for him. But you find, as your hand reaches out, an empty space where your husband should be. That concerns even your subconscious, and you wake up. Slightly confused, you sit up, staring at the spot Anakin usually slept. 

You rub your eyes, looking around before you find him. "Good evening. Or," you turn over to look at the little clock next to your bed, it was flashing 3:00, "shall I say good morning?" You hold his arm, pulling him back slightly. He didn't so much as budge, and you sit up next to him. "You okay?" 

He shrugs. "Just a little bad dream, is all." He tried to play it off as nothing, though he didn't understand why he would. He wanted you to comfort him, to hold him. 

"Do you want to talk?" You shifted so you were behind him, your legs wrapped around his waist and you lay your head on his back. 

"Please." 

You nod as a sign for him to start talking, and you make circles up and down his chest and stomach out of habit. His skin is soft under your fingers, but the toned muscles he has from training are tense. He's still shaken up. It was a really bad nightmare, apparently. 

You scoot back, pulling him with you so you can lay down, and the back of his head is on your chest. Your fingers twist up in his hair, rubbing at his scalp to calm him. "It's okay now, Anakin. You are safe now. It was a nightmare, which means it was only your subconscious fabricating something out of nothing. In other words, it wasn't real and I'm here and you're here and we are both safe." You affirm him, and you feel him somewhat relax. 

"It just felt so real, Y/n. I felt like I was trapped, and I couldn't get back to the real you. But you died. Y/n I killed you," he turned over to bury his head into your neck, arms tucking under your back. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He cried out. His body shook with sobs, and he squeezed you closer to him. You felt his tears falling to your neck, and you just held him tighter. 

"That won't happen. It won't." Your heart hurt for him. Why would his subconscious torture him in such a way? would he think he needed to apologize for such a horrible nightmare that was out of his control? "Anakin, Anakin listen." You sat up against the headboard, dragging him with you. He moves to sit next to you, and you crawl into his arms. "I know that you would never do that, ever. If you're worried about it happening, don't. I trust you completely and that will never happen. Okay?" He licks his lips, swallowing. 

"I just couldn't hurt you, it felt real, Y/n. It felt real, I thought I killed you." He laid his head on top of yours, and you leaned up to kiss his cheek. 

"You didn't though, Anakin. You wouldn't." Your fingers brush over his cheekbones and you bring his lips down to yours, and kiss him softly. 

You have a nightmare ~ 

You're twitching in your sleep. Running, but you aren't sure what from. A shapeless figure. Somehow, you know you must get to someone. Someone. Who? It didn't matter to your unconscious mind. You just know you had to run though. To whoever this person was. 

"Help!" You scream. You aren't sure why, but a pain that felt like thousands of hooked needles suddenly dug into your leg, dragging down as you run. 

It disappeared as your eyes shoot open, someone was leaning over you, saying your name. "Wake up. You're dreaming. Y/n." 

"Anakin?" You ask, breath coming out in heaves. He nodded, brushing the hair away from your face. "Anakin I don't know what happened. I had to run from someone, but I don't know who. I thought I recognized the presence, but I don't know who it was. I was trying to get to someone, I think you, but I couldn't because the road seemed to go on forever. I think you were in danger." You admitted. He laid down next to you, and you immediately crawled next to him, laying on his arm. He enveloped you in warmth and familiarity as he wrapped his arm around your shoulders. 

He placed a kiss on your forehead, saying, "I'm not in danger now though. I'm okay. I'm sure if I'm in danger for real, you'll be able to get to me. Maybe," his voice took on a joking tone, "I'll be your damsel in distress." He poked your side, and you let out a breathy laugh. 

In public/risky situations ~ 

Okay. This man. I swear he does this because he likes the fucking thrill. The ducking into empty corridors to push you against the wall, assaulting your lips with his. The hiding in the very back booth at a diner or bar so he could kiss you out in the open. The sneaky kisses on the forehead when Obi-Wan wasn't looking (but he knows, he fucking knows — the rat bastard) and then the sly giggles after. 

Oh but this time was the worst of all. You were already late to a meeting with the council, but to make it even better, Anakin has decided to drag you away from the door just as you're about to meet the council. He doesn't even bother to go down another hallway, he pushes you against the wall, right next to the door that the council is on the other side of. "I love you." He says in a low, hoarse voice. 

"I love you too," you put a hand over his mouth, "but we're going to get caught. They can probably sense that we're out here." He grabbed your hand with his, rubbing small circles on the palm of it. 

"That's the fun of it." I fucking knew it. Your eyes went wide, jaw dropping. It took everything you had not to start laughing your ass off. You rolled your eyes, bringing his mouth to yours harshly. His hands met your waist, pulling you to him. Your arms wrapped around his neck, and you kissed him deeper. 

You sighed into his mouth, "We..." He interrupted you, kissing you again. "We have to get in there." You were able to say between it all. 

"No," he pulled away for a moment to speak, then moved to your neck. He kissed at your neck, and your stomach was doing flips, jaw hanging open. 

"Anakin," you moaned put in a whisper. "We have to. They'll know." 

"I'm sure they already do." He never pulled away from you and the vibrations from his voice sent shivers down your spine. You finally came to your senses, and smacked the back of his head. He stopped kissing you immediately, "Did I make you uncomfortable?" He double checked. 

"Oh Jesus, no. Too comfortable, in fact. But we have to get in there." He smiled, and laying one last kiss on your lips, he walked in there. You were left disheveled and horny. "Damn." You groan, leaning your head back against the wall. You push yourself off, and take a deep breath while fixing your clothes, running a hand over your head, hoping you looked presentable. 

You pushed the door open after a half second more, meeting the stares of the council with a calm face. "Hello," you wave your hand slightly before taking the your usual seat next to Anakin.

Masterlist

#anakin smut #anakin x reader #anakin fluff #anakin skywalker #anakin skywalker smut #anakin x you #rots #star wars #hayden christensen

[yooniesim]

I'm not sure what simblr's general opinion on this is, but peeking back in after my long hiatus, I have a lot of thoughts...

In my opinion, Patreon killed all of the momentum that ts4 simblr had pre-2020. I think we all know a lot of the bigger issues- permanent paywalls, creators doxxing and bullying, cliqueing up and sharing info- but I mean even besides that. I mean specifically early access, two to three week delays for releasing cc, the version of paywalling that most people (including myself) accepted.

It's good that creators were able to get paid for their work, especially during the pandemic. But I think, unfortunately, it had other effects too. I remember back then, being disappointed at how much was eacc, and that was only like 25% of the cc coming out, and it (almost) always was popular creators with high quality work. But slowly but surely, nearly everyone moved to patreon (which I've noticed has caused a lot of cc to be forever lost once patreons were closed/deleted) and 99% of the time it was early access or even exclusive. Many people started blogs with early access cc from the get-go, without having a presence beforehand, and those blogs seemed to be some of the most focused on blocking anyone that shared their cc. The cc varied in quality- it could be simple mesh edits that were still mostly ea, or recolors, or even just patterns sourced from other sites. It didn't matter what it was, it was just content for money, anything to pad out the month and keep patrons. Creators would do early access and then link the cc through adfly or to TSR or simsdom/simsfinds, one by one, even if it was supposed to be a pack. It wasn't bad enough to call out, but it was purposeful.

CC on tumblr became a business in a way it hadn't before, even with other paysites in sims history. And while some people are happy to donate to creators they like now and again... most people either can't or won't. Many simmers are children, and many simmers are adults with strict budgets, especially during the pandemic. And truth be told... they probably got bored. Because it's all terribly boring. CC shopping isn't fun anymore. It's the briefest serotonin seeing something interesting on your dash and then instantly flying away when you see you'll have to wait almost a month for it. And if it wasn't a creator I really liked, I forgot about it instantly after that... sometimes even if I really liked them. Motivation dropped. People stopped being excited, and stopped playing.

Nowadays, it seems even worse. Because the amount and variety of cc and creators has dropped drastically. I'm shocked to see 2-3 cc posts per day, if that, most of them paywalled. It isn't just cc posts either- used to you couldn't look in the s4cc tag for cc, it would be so crowded with non-cc sims posts, but now it's depressingly easy... and empty. Lookbooks, edits, gameplay, cc, it all seems more sparing. And you don't see the same creativity, the same fun random little items, stuff that was interesting even if it wasn't necessarily perfect. Or wild ideas or cc that would appeal to certain small niches. Because that isn't profitable, is it? When you need to create a certain amount of items per month at a certain quality to keep patrons and therefore income, you have to strategize, for good or for bad. Some people are able to do that, and while good for their business model, it limits what they can create and how much energy they can spend on each item. Some people aren't able to do it, and burn out and leave. Either way, creativity suffers. Enjoyment suffers. Creators leave from the passion being sucked out of their hobby; non-creators leave from frustration and boredom. And you're left with a handful of creators still going by their cc business playbook, month by month. But how long can those few sustain themselves?

It's natural for communities to ebb and flow, or even completely die out, but ts4 simblr had been going strong for years before this overall, even if it was in waves. In the pandemic, it should've flourished the way other many other communities did, especially gaming focused ones. But, it didn't. Instead it slowed down, more people left than the amount coming in, the engagement died down, and it seems like as a whole custom content hasn't advanced at all. Maybe it would've happened anyway, but I honestly think patreon contributed a lot. Also, ts2 and ts3 communities weren't affected in the same way, afaik, which makes me think it was paywalls even more.

Can it be fixed? Maybe. If paywalls weren't as much of a thing anymore- and I don't mean completely gone, but just a fairer ratio- I think it could. But now that it's become a standard, I doubt that will happen. I think most people have moved to other places where they don't have to deal with it, like discord servers, and simblr will continue to lose momentum.

It's good for creators to have the option of getting some income for their work, but I guess I'm just saying... at what cost? Beyond the monetary? If you're not super popular, are you even making enough for the added stress to be worth it? If you are, is this going to be satisfying and maintainable long-term, without burn-out/effects on your mental health? Who will pay for it when the number of players keeps dropping? And will this continue on to the Sims 5 community in the future? I honestly hope not.

#text #ceci speaks #delete later #ts4 #sims 4 #the patreon issue #this may be unpopular #especially with other creators #and i could be wrong since i havent been around for a bit #but this is what it feels like to me #long post #im just disappointed #and a little nostalgic #no one asked ceci #sorry creators that are actually great #and need the income #its all just sad

[the-s1lly-corner]

hii

I've seen you're taking creepypasta requests ? I really like your Zalgo's concept ! so..

can you drop some of your headcanons about him?? I'm really interested!!

stay safe!

Zalgo headcannons!

hihihihi i promise i saw you send this in a few hours after you asked this and i truly didnt mean to push writing this off for so long ive just been going through it (2 new interests have been kicking my ass for the past 7 or so weeks) but we're back !!

CAUTION these hcs are heavily centered around my concept!! i wasnt totally sure if you wanted these as romantic, so i decided to go down a middle road and just make it how interacting with the guy would probably go down + other ideas!! warning this is a lot of scattered rambling because my brain is all over the place and its 7am

the main thing that my take on zalgo and the main fandom interpretation have in common is the fat that theyre both powerful entities capable of causing mass destruction and chaos

however my zalgo exists more so as a... weird half concept half tangible entity if that makes sense? like he indirectly interacts with the world around him instead of going out and wrecking things himself; a close comparison i can think of is mother mabuka from fran bow but even then it seems she has more direct influence in that universe compared to zalgo... or maybe my interpretation of her is all whack too but eh

exists everywhere and nowhere at once, in my au he's responsible for the creation of the other creepypasta characters. for demon characters like slenderman or the rake he hand crafted them himself to cause torment. for characters like ben or eyeless jack he plants the seed to cause them to become what they were. for ben he allowed him to come back as an angry ghost, and for eyeless jack he made the curse that eventually infects the guy (although jack was just the unlucky host, zalgo had no specific target)

and keeping true to the original zalgo comic stuff, he can corrupt media in anyway he wishes, and perhaps implant subliminal messages or 'viruses' to infect more people? that second part is mostly a concept idea but i vibe with it

so how does one interact with a being that doesn't totally exist?

well

you dont

at least you cant initiate it; no if zalgo wants to be perceived by you he'll come to you, typically if you can offer something to him (usually the ability to cause issues for others, ie general creepypasta character criteria)

injecting this really quick but admin is really into the concept of certain characters/entities being just a simple part of nature, zalgo falls under this idea. he just exists because of the laws of the universe

is he capable of forming bonds? sure he definitely has some sort of favoritism towards certain creatures thanks to how effective they are, but like, what about emotional bonds?

probably not, if im being honest; like sure he can check in on you more often than his other agents of chaos, but that doesn't necessarily mean hes your friend

but lets pretend you somehow made friends with the omnipresent and almost omniscient birthplace of wrath and doom:

you cant touch him but he can touch you, kinda. it kinda feel like being wrapped around with a huge freeing cold and immensely heavy blanket when he decides to grace you with his presence

you know how when in adventure time, the lich makes the screen go dark (ex. the fall meme) i feel like itd be something like that

though ive never watched adventure time/never got too far into it SOBS i plan on changing that i promise

oh he is so so so clingy and he so truly hates your mortality

even in death he wont let you go, he'll probably forcefully bring you back, and by extension twisting you into something you weren't before

like this dude is genuinely not someone you want to fuck around with

even if you dont end up dying hes probably going to change you in some way at some point

on a lighter note hes the type to tear the world apart for you, both in the "i care about you as much as a creature like me can" and a "if you ever leave me im going to find you, i already know where you are because i have eyes everywhere"

like i dont like writing stuff that can dip into yandere territory but like. zalgo would do that kind of shit

bonus hcs, he doesnt really care how people perceive him.. because they cant, and even if he allows it he still doesnt care. wanna use any pronouns for him? he doesnt give a damn. see him as a god? as a devil? he doesnt care. truly could not give a shit what you think, he is unbothered

i feel my hcs for him have shifted a bit since i last brought him up in a post but i think

out of all the creepypastas, zalgo is the one i have with the most changing hcs

esp since in this au hes like. the reason everyone exists as they are, and why everything is going on; he is literally the reason all the bad things happened to everyone and hes responsible for the monster-type characters existence

okay thats all i apologize again if this is a mess i simply got. silly and im running off two hours of sleep and im scratching my brain trying to remember my ideas since i havent really thought of zalgo in 2 months (thanks to other brainrots SOBS)

#creepypasta zalgo #zalgo x reader #creepypasta headcanon #creepypasta #creepypasta x reader #creepypasta x you #crp #zalgo headcanons

[remington-zero]

Just wanted to say first off that I love your artwork so much and it’s so fun to just scroll through. I’ve also become curious about playing 커뮤/commu (or trying to put one together) and would love to learn more about how they work.

Like for instance, how do character sheets and classes/powers work for a system that seems very open RP-based? Is there a particular omni-genre sheet or system that people often use for 커뮤? Or is that that something entirely up to the admins?

Give my love to Nero, Soren, and ESPECIALLY Charlotte

in the end it's very much like an dnd server on discord! except it's public and usually very short term (7-30 days)

essentially a commu is like a tabletop rpg with as much dice as you want, the admin team is the dm/npcs, and you recruit members based on their character sheet that they submit based on the template you make

so the foundational pillar is the admin team, which:

does all the worldbuilding, including setting boundaries and parameters for the characters

sets an event schedule and/or sets up a plot -- there's some really casual ones you go with your friend you ship your OCs with where they do couple games, and then there's one i just got out of that had time loops and also forced us to choose between executing a bunch of innocent people and completing our mission which was pretty intense

basically you are writing an rpg one-shot module! it can be as complex or as simple as you want, i've gone to ones that had stats and ones that didn't. this essentially means that you are writing a whole system! so if you want to include combat, you...are probably making a combat system from scratch, which means you usually have to also think about balance

you also probably want to determine a rating. most of the ones i went to were pg13 but there's specific ones rated R for either gore/violence or ERP

often people make a temporary website with notices, world info, rules, character sheet templates, and FAQs

the admin also moderates. if someone's being unfairly left out, you give a general warning, for example, or if someone is being an asshole you give them one strike, etc.

then you make a template for applicants and essentially pick the ones you think will make for the best story. historically, this has caused some drama. there is so much drama in commu

usually the commus that incorporated stats had specific roles (dps/tank/healer) and you had up to a certain amount of stat points that affected your skills (so a dps character might calculate their damage by idk ((attack)d6)/2) or something). so the roles would be part of the character application template, and the applicant would distribute the stats how they wanted it

so yes, in the end, the sheet is entirely up to the admin, and the applicants generally get creative within the space you create! soren, for example, had a power ranking (A), role (tank), reason for participating in the commu storyline (he didn't care but his friends did so he's doing it on their behalf) but i made up his ability (turns into a gryphon) and stuff about his family, past traumas, etc.

while the commu is running, applicants generally RP with each other and make their own relationships and mini plotlines (soren is now bffs with another character because they both lost siblings/students) but the admin administers a scheduled plot to keep things moving (nero, for example, was part of a group that went around stopping monster dungeons around the world so every week the admins would say ok they're going to peru now. and then florida.)

while commus are usually short, sometimes they have like...seasons? one of my friends ran one based on the uma musume setting and recently they did a season 2 of the same commu with new applicants

back when twitter was whole, two comms i went to also had a sparring system using a bot and keywords (so you'd type [attack] or [evade] or whatever and depending on your character's stats, which the admin entered into the bot, you'd get an automated reply that gave you the result of your actions), gacha (same as above, and also included things like...pet eggs and equipment and whatnot), a store with potions/etc., i know one that had like literal mini-rooms with pixel furnitures that people could buy through currencies earned doing daily quests or whatever....that was really intense though lmao people usually do not go that far

commus also often have like....specific disclaimers written for good reason, usually to do with code of conduct and not being bigoted/being inclusive (unfortunately female characters often get ignored in rp, and also oh my god so much casual bigotry)

TL;DR making a commu is essentially writing a whole oneshot module that you're publicly recruiting players for! honestly though it is a Lot of work setting it up and then maintaining it even for the short time it runs

#long post #text #anon #replies #the one i just went to also had diff buffs depending on the rank since it was a military-style setup #since my character was a corporal he had a 1.2 buff to defense #also you would not believe the shit that goes down on commus #it has ended friendships and also has revealed people's asses #i'm so glad you like charlerusse!!!!!!!! she's my baby

[neonmeron]

月曜日　2023/9/25

月曜日　2023/9/25

こんにちは！！　みんなは元気？私はまあまあ。

I know I said I would post over the summer but I didn't. ごめん！

この夏は忙しいですが、ちょっとつまらなかった。たくさん働きたり、運転したり、ビデオゲームをした。たくさん原神インパクトをした。原神が一番好きです。

あのう、あまり日本語は勉強しなかった。韓国語と中国語も。仕事の後、疲れていた。ごめんなさい。今学期、がんばりましょう！

あのう、昨日の夜、ご飯を作ったのですが、どろどろでした。おいしくなかった。

I know we're a bit in the semester already but I missed the first two weeks because of some family stuff and I was playing catch up when I got back. i've just been so busy with work, school, clubs, etc. and then i was going through relationship drama, and was pretty depressed due to that and overworking myself BUT I will try my best to summarize what we've learned so far.　自分が大丈夫だ。（と思います。）

The major grammar points we've learned so far are

たい／たがっています

たりする

ほうがいいです

んです

すぎる

～ので

お／ご+verb stem+します

can't forget to mention the crap ton of kanji and vocab we have to learn on the daily 😀

you know the drill.... lets go over the grammar!!

So たいです／たくないですadds on to the verb stem and it means want/desire for something

I want to eat = (私は）食べたい（です）。(were gonna keep things casual)

i want to drink alcohol = お酒を飲みたい。

I want to skip class = 授業(じゅぎょう）をサボりたい。

I want to climb Mt. Fuji = 富士山（ふじさん）に登（のぼ）りたい。

I want to make a cake = ケーキを作りたい。

I dont want to learn Japanese = 日本語を習いたくない。

(for negative sentences, instead of い you put the くない。）it's the same for いadjectives so im not gonna cover it much. I think you guys can figure it out. (I believe in you!)

Pretty simple. ます form but put たい instead. EZ PEEZEE

Similarly is たがっている。 that's used when you talk about what someone else wants. If I remember correctly, my teacher told us that expressing your wants is childish in Japanese culture? I think it was something like that but i'll have to fact check that.

So, Tanaka wants to work at the library. = 田中さんは図書館で働きたがっている。

You set it up as if your about to say たい but instead of い, you say がっている。もっと練習しましょう。

母は写真を撮りたがっている。It seems my mom would like to take a picture. Both the tanaka example and mom example are correct. They pretty much mean the same thing.

Uno mas

山下先生は風邪（かぜ）をひきたがっていない。Prof. Yamashita doesnt want to catch a cold. (i looked online and through every paper I had and none specified if I used いません or some other way so were gonna go with this for now.

Again, easy peasy. Moving on.

次

たりする is used to list events. Its similar to ～て、but て is more like exact events. たり is used to describe things you did without explaining everything, if that makes sense

パリとダブリンに行ったり、買い物をしたりした。= I did things like go to Paris and Dublin and go shopping.

ケーキを作ったり、 本��読んだりした。

たり is in past て form!!

たり implies you did more than JUST going there and shopping. 分かる？instead of たい，you change the い to り and then when you finished the sentence, you can do たりする、たりした、たりします、たりしました、たりするのは／が。。。です～～～ and so forth.

次

ほうがいいです is should/should not do. Its also called “its better to do…”

You should do something: past+ほうがいいです（ね／よ）

You should not do something: present negative+ほうがいいです（ね／よ）

Por ejemplo,

You should not exercise - うんどうしないほうがいいです。

You should sing - 歌ったほうがいいです。

You should no go out tonight - 今夜出かけないほうがいいです。

You should take medicine - くすりを飲んだほうがいいです。

Its kinda confusing cause theres also どっちのほうがいいですか。which we learned last semester but i guess mean the same thing. “Its better if you do xyz”,,,, “which is better?”

We can then pair this up with んです

Lowkey, im an んです hater. Its purpose it to “add emotion”

For present verbs you do dictionary form + んです　ー　食べる＞食べるんです。

For past verbs you do short て form + んです　ー　食べた＞食べたんです。

For positive い adjectives, you simply add the んです after the い。　ー　かわいい＞かわいいんです

For negative present  い adjectives, you negate it normally and then have the んです the ない　ー　かわいくない＞かわいくないんです

For negative past い adjectives you negate it normallly かわいくなかった and simply add the the んです＞かわいくなかったんです。

For な adjectives, you add なんです。元気なんです、好きなんです、にぎやかなんです。

For past な adectives, its just 元気だったんです、すきだったんです、にぎやかだったんです。

The short form of でした.

I feel like its pretty self explanatory.

Lets combine んです and ほうがいいです

A: ああ、あたまがいたいんです…

B：じゃあ、水を飲んだほうがいいです。

See?! Super easy! 

I’m kinda running out of time so I’ll leave it at that for now. I also don't want this to get too long. Next post will have すぎる、～ので、and　お／ご and then after that I’ll finally tell you all about my summer and things happening in my life lately!! I'm so happy to finally be posting again. I've missed you, reader-chan. I finally have someone to talk to TT

じゃあ、また明日！！！＜３

今日の歌はKumi Koda - Guess Who Is Backです。(I remember listening to this song when I was a freshman in highschool. maybe it was middle school...ah, the memories..)

Notice any errors? Lmk!! I always want to fix my mistakes so I can learn better. ありがとう！

#にほんご #日本語 #日本語勉強 #日本語を勉強 #japanese #language #language learning #studyblog #study blog

[purplekoop]

Hey! So uh! Update on what's been going on and why I've been relatively inactive for longer than I implied I would.

So around this time last year, I realized my laptop's battery was uh. Very warped and big. A state it'd been in for several months at that point actually. It wasn't until I mentioned it to my partner and they said "hey uh. that's extremely dangerous" that I realized the big swelling in my electronic device was not good. So for a period of about 2 months, I had to not use my laptop while I was waiting for a new battery.

Luck of the holidays, while I was using it during some downtime while staying at my partner's place last week, the fans started to make a jarring new noise during intense operation (as in. Playing Minecraft). It was fine only two days prior, so I don't know what broke the camel's back.

Being cautious after last year's fun times, I don't want to push it much further than bare minimum operations to avoid any potential major damage. I haven't got it checked out by a professional (or any more tech-savvy family friends who I trust more and don't charge extra), so I don't know what the exact issue is, or if it's a serious risk and not just a sign of this laptop being old. Opening just about any game will cause the loud fans to go off, as does using my second monitor while running even just discord and a couple chrome tabs. While typing this post using my laptop, the fans made the jarring noise very briefly before calming back down.

So... am I just gonna be without a computer capable of safely doing anything until I get a replacement part again? No, because I don't think this laptop is worth maintaining when it's liable to just have another problem next december, if not sooner. It's a hell of a machine, don't get me wrong. It's handled a lot more than most laptops have, running every game I've thrown at it pretty damn well, but the tendency for some new problem to happen every now and then makes me wary of trying to keep it going for everything I need out of it for much longer.

Does that mean I need a brand new computer then? Well as a wise rat once said: Yes. and, No.

Good news: my dad had another PC lying around, this one a desktop tower that my mom swears is a beast on par with the laptop, and because my dad isn't uh... up to much these days, I'm free to take this one too.

Bad news: it doesn't work. My mom and I tested it the other day, and we can't get it to power on.

Still, it's certainly gonna be a lot cheaper to get that operational than to get a brand new PC, with aforementioned family friends likely able to help. Unfortunately (for me specifically at least), it's still the holiday break, so my mom will be in and out of town until the second week of the new year, and I imagine those friends have things they'd rather be doing as well in their time off.

What does that mean for me here? Well, if my laptop can behave like it has been since I started writing this, I think I can manage to type out more long stuff like this. I can't do the same on my phone, since while I'm a rather speedy typer on my keyboard, phone typing is pretty cumbersome for me, so I imagine a long post there might be grating. That means I can likely do a few more Role Requeues in the coming days, get back to work on my War Bots notes, and maybe even some other long-form posts I've been wanting to do. Things I Love #3 may be a multi-parter with a... somewhat similar premise to someone else's ongoing series. I'm not sure if I wanna totally rip off this unnamed mutual's format of going episode by episode, or if I wanna make it a spoiler-free overview more like the Brave and the Bold and Doremi posts. With those shows I tried to make the posts a more open-ended general pitch and go over the overall high points, which felt appropriate for those shows. With Batman the show is simple and relatively formulaic, so going over the broad strokes was more efficient than going "And then Batman teams up with this goofy obscure character" 60 times. Doremi meanwhile is the opposite, that show has so much I could talk about but I really really enjoyed going into the show blind and so I tried to convince people to watch it accordingly. If I get a chance I'd love to do a full video series going over the whole show, but considering that's a 200 episode deal, on top of me never doing a video of any scope grander than an on-stream Terraria playthrough... don't expect that soon.

On the note of videos though, that's the main thing that's gonna be on hiatus: streams. If this laptop wheezes once or twice when it's running a chrome tab with discord in the background, then I don't think you'd be able to hear my voice over the chainsaw fans with a full stream setup. A few more personal things might be on hold too, or at least will require alternate setups, but those are private discussions to be had.

In the meantime, don't worry too much about me being bored. It sucks I won't be able to do much on my laptop and thus don't have access to any games on there, but on the bright side this is a great time for me to be doing just about anything else. Got 4 switch games (between me and my sibling anyways, and they don't mind sharing) and over 100 episodes of neetle teetles (2012) from the holidays to keep me busy, plus I can use the time to do art or something if I need another option for variety.

But yeah, that's the update explaining things. I've been restricted to tumblr on my phone and if I had to type a whole real post on that thing I think I'd rather use the phone to bludgeon myself with, so I've just been reblogging stuff. Not sure when I'll be back to full-steam activity again, hoping it's soon but not expecting much for another week minimum.

But that said, I hope y'all have enjoyed the holiday times, and if I don't say it again later, that you have a happy start to the new year!

#long post

[222hopelessromantic444]

Blue eyes pt.1

wrote this fic 4 months ago and haven't read it since. It's not proofread and the only thing I can remember is that Tommy is kinda fluffy hehe<;3

It's been 5 months. I haven't seen him for almost half a year. At first I thought my new earned freedom - which I had managed to get by accidentally finding out about the guns and then blackmailing Tommy - was a blessing, but I was soon to realise that it was rather the opposite. Back then 5 months ago, life had been hard for me. I had no job, no house and was barely able to afford enough food. So when Tommy came into my life and offered me all of these things for only signing a contract, I immediately accepted. Slowly I realised what I had signed- it's as if I made a pact with the devil himself. Crazy how a simple pice of paper could turn a lost girl into a gang member in the most feared gang in whole Birmingham. The unwanted look behind the scenes of the "oh so famous" peaky blinders was too much to handle for me. Ever since I nearly died in a gunfight at the Garrison my will to quit this hell of a gang was stronger than anything else. But leaving the peaky blinders also meant giving up my shield. Tommy was my shield. Whenever anything happened to me, he was the one who scared all the bad people away or made me feel as safe as possible under my given circumstances. But without him by my side and my bad reputation as a part of the blinders, there were dozens of people who wanted me dead and would do anything to see my head roll. The last 5 months had been harder than I thought. The constant hiding, fear and frustration was slowly breaking me. The only ray of hope, was when I found an empty apparemment a week ago, which was located a couple of blocks away from Watery Lane. Hiding under a blanket I got pulled out of my daydreams by a loud knock at the door. "not again." I thought to myself while quietly sneaking into the big wardrobe I had been hiding in since day one. Stuff like that happened all the time but when I could hear the door open with a squeek, my heart suddenly dropped. "Fuck" I thought "How the hell is that person able to open the door? I've survived so much and are they going to be the end of me?" Footsteps, which let the wooden floor make soft sounds, slowly got closer to my hiding place. With each step my heartbeat increased and the urge to scream got bigger and bigger. "Hello?" said a dangerously familiar voice. "You can't hide forever ya'know." This can't be- it was impossible but- this voice. The voice who caused me so much pain and happiness at the same time. His voice. The slight Irish accent, the amount of coldness that sent shivers down my spine and the way he whispered- it had to be him. All of a sudden the wardrobe door was harshly opened. A silent scream left my lips but as soon as I looked into his pearly blue eyes everything that happened a second ago became unimportant. As if every memory till this exact moment vanished and was replaced with his cold blue eyes. "We both knew it was only a matter of time till I would find you and take you back home." he whispered taking a step closer. "Home?" you asked, "You mean the place where you tricked me into signing that stupid paper? The place where I unwillingly became part of your stupid gang? And the place where I nearly died a dozent times?" Tears started falling down on my face. "y/n- you know that was the only way of keeping you save and by my side. I never meant to-" "Shut up Tommy. Leave now. Please. I can't do this anymore." I managed to cut him off while more and more tears poured down my face and tiny sobs made it through my lips. Like slow-motion he grabbed my by the chin and looked me deep into the eyes. Softly he placed the other one on my cheek to wipe my tears away with his thumb. We used to be in this situation often, he wiping away my tears and me hopelessly loosing myself in his eyes but this time was different.

#tommy shelby #tommy shelby x reader #tommy shelby x y/n #peaky blinders fanfic #peaky blinders blurb #thomas shelby x reader #peaky blinders x reader #thomas shelby

[csalt3d]

Calamity Chord Devblog#3

Hi, people been a hot sec since I dropped one of these. I am going to continue with these but I’m dropping the “weekly” mantra cause school’s a bit of a bitch (not sure what psychotic part of me thought I could keep this up every week lol). But the important part is I’m back on the grind baby and got some new stuff to have y’all gander at!!!

First up, ENEMY ANIMATIONS. Not much to note the enemies are cool little crow guys now and do cool little crow guy things. I had multiple different people tell me it looks like the bird from hello neighbor 2 but other than that I think they're pretty cool.

Kate also has a brand new parry to keep enemies off her back. In the animation she pulls out a microphone and holds it proudly and when a badguy hits her BOOM she screams her heart out and they get sent flying. If you're near a wall while this happens you can even get a combo off of it.

Last but not least I'm setting up a simple dialogue tree system which was A LOT easier than I thought. The UI is obviously not finished but after this I can really get started on making the first tutorial level of the game which will also work as a pre alpha.

Welp that's all for now. See you guys next devblog. Development is going smoothly and I can't wait to put out what I've been working on so far. Feel free to ask me any questions or comment below any thoughts/suggestions and follow me if you want to follow this game's development.

Have a great day and catch y'all on the flip!!! :3

#low poly #psx #psx aesthetic #indie #blender #gamedev #my art #oc #unity #calamity chord #sprite sheet #game development #You may not always see me but I'll always be watching nyahaha ;)

[shroomvie]

Feel free to use on ao3 (just tag me at Solarshroomvireee)

A Steve Harrington fic I'd like to read but can't be fucked writing(SEASON 3 & 4 SPOILERS):

Steve freaks out whenever he hears someone speaking Russian or a Russian accent, Robin sometimes does but not as badly as Steve since he was hurt so badly by them. .

Him and Robin were down in the russian base for longer than they were in the actual show, they also spent like a week or two more trying to crack the code(I don't know the logistics of how that would work for everyone else) .

Let's just say that Steve picks up languages really quickly, that includes Russian, he is no where near fluent but has a simple understanding, especially since they spent so long trying to figure out the Russian code. .

Hopper brought back Dmitri/Enzo to Hawkins with him after they fled Russia and introduced him to everyone as one of the people who got him out. (I promise this is important) .

So when Steve finally saw Hopper for the first time after he 'died', he was slightly triggered by the small Russian accent. And when he met Dmitri he paled and moved to stand slightly behind someone like Jonathan, not many people noticed but Dmitri, Hopper, Robin and Nancy did. Nancy remembers what happened to Steve and Robin and goes to stand in front of Robin slightly, who has also paled. .

Later on Steve overhears Dmitri and Hopper conversing in Russian about how Steve and Robin reacted to him, Steve understands some of it but not all, he still freaks out and leaves the Cabin. .

He finds that field, the one they go to at the end of very end season 4's finale, and sits down and just stays there a while, after a bit the others realise he's gone and go to find him, Will is the one that finds him and they go back to the cabin, once again he sees Dmitri and stays as far from him as he can, flinching slightly everytime he hears him speak. .

Later on that night everyone stays the night at the cabin(except for the wheelers and Lucas cause of their parents), Dmitri says something vague in basic Russian when Steve walks past, keeping an eye on him to see his reaction and without thinking Steve responds in Russian. He freezes and turns to the man before stiffly walking away. .

This keeps happening regularly (steve is at the cabin so much cause his parents just aren't around), but not usually in front of anyone, slowly Steve gets more comfortable around Dmitri and Dmitri starts saying less basic sentences, teaching Steve any words he doesn't know. This goes on to the point where Steve can have small conversations in Russian. .

Eventually they end up conversing in front of Hopper and he also joins in, Steve slowly becomes more fluent in Russian. Then one night the entire party is at the cabin for a movie night and Steve accidentally stubs his toe and swears in Russian, people turn to him confused but he manages to brush it off as gibberish. .

During that movie night Dmitri calls Steve into the kitchen to help with something but he says it in Russian and without thinking Steve responds in Russian before basically running into the kitchen.

This is all I've got so far, idk how the party would react or how shit would go down but I feel like Dmitri acting as a father figure for Steve would be cute and Dmitri would teach Steve some nitty gritty shit and Steve would actually start to win fights n stuff. Also I absolutely love languages and I feel like someone learning a language that they used to fear is like inspiring almost?

Idk, do with this what you want but I feel like it would be good for a 5+1 things fic.

#stranger things #fic stuff #writing ideas #5 + 1 fic #do what you want #steve harrington

[deregirls]

Ok since bitches wanna say I'm lying, here's everything my roommate has done:

Took a five day trip a bit after we moved. We were struggling to pay rent and they took the whole week off work. All they talked about was how they were going to have sex. I had to pay their part of rent so they could have a booty call. They are now frequently guilt tripping and shitting on my fiance and i for taking theme park trips. We have season passes and don't have to pay for hotels bc my fiance has friends near the parks.

FREQUENTLY bought useless shit while we were struggling. I recall one case where we were freaking out about rent for the month and they bought a 200 dollar vibrator. When we were trying to save after this move they got tattoo after tattoo. My fiance and I've had to cover their rent MANY times while they bought useless shit.

I ate a SINGLE BAG for their pizza rolls. I thought they were everyone's bc every bag we got before that was everyone. They verbally abused me over this, stole some things from me, and caused me to develop an eating disorder bc i was so fucking scared to eat thinking they might abuse me. I've lost 30 pounds because they couldn't just ask me to buy another fucking bag.

Constantly. CONSTANTLY, they would get snippy and mean with me. For no reason.

When we had food stamps, they would send us mile long lists of food. We usually spent more on them then the two of us combined. When we no longer qualified bc of my fiances job paying more and they had food stamps, they wouldn't buy us a thing. They kept everything they bought in their room and almost never shared.

They guilted us into getting a cat. We were only allowed 2 cats prior our lease and already had 2. The processed to never pay for food or litter, maybe bought toys once, never fed them, never cleaned out the litter boxes, never did anything. They were never home to play with him. When we asked them to stay and care for the cats for 3 DAYS so we could go on our anniversary trip, they complained. They did nothing for this cat. When we kicked them out, they wanted to keep him despite him being bonded to the other cats, not recognizing them, not moving well, and their boyfriend's family having aggressive cats and not believing in vet care.

After i went to the psych ward and got fired for it, i was very obviously EXTREMELY depressed. They judged and criticized me for not doing a whole lot. (Btw when my fiance was on a trip i did the dishes and packed some)

Speaking of that trip, my fiance asked them to stay home while they were gone bc i do not do well being home alone. They did not even once say HI to me. Even when i said hi first.

Has not helped with the move at all (which is insane since they gave me shit for not packing while so depressed i couldn't move and almost had to go to the psych ward again). WE had to move THEIR heavy stuff out of their room. While we were sweating and slaving, getting sick, nearly passing out, in so much pain we couldn't WALK, they were at work (i called off btw!!!) And then cozy at their boyfriend's house.

Claimed THEY don't feel safe/comfortable at home when THEY are the one who gave me an ED. They only don't feel safe bc i stand up for myself

They fake did. Plain and simple. They're faking. If they aren't, they're LYING about their alters role. They told my fiance their partner has sex with their little and when they said "uuhhh that's a a child" the alter magically changed to just being shy the next day. Ok.

We had a hearing a week or so ago bc our landlords screwed up, and my fiance and i (both disabled to the point of needing mobility aids) sat down before them. They scoffed and rolled their eyes.

They got mad when i invited my family over. While we were playing Jackbox they were clearly not having fun and brought down the mood. Also afterwards they sent a very aggressive text in the household GC.

When we were at Cedar Point, we rode a family ride with some kids that were...admittedly loud but they're KIDS. After we got off the ride, they said FAIRLY LOUDLY that they want to hit the kids.

There's. So much more but I'm too fucking tired and I'm almost home from work.

#💝 #fucking want to talk about how *i* don't care about victims and then pull this shit

[pheita]

Anniversary Gift - OC Kiss Week Crossover Story

This is for the wonderful prompt "Charm" with my boy Lyran from Blood Night and @stormbrightwriter demon boy Cal from "Falling in Love Will Kill You", set in our modern day in which Lyran and Ari have a band and Cal and Mara started as their fans and now are in a poly relationship with them, as created in some very self-indulgent band AU crossover she and I wrote last year just for us. So I took this as base for today's piece. This is NSFW as you can see above. It has Dom/sub tone. @jezifster and @eternalwritingstudent asked to be tagged in my stuff, I don't know if this is up your ally, if not just ignore it. @kainablue @bloodlessheirbyjacques

The blood-red sunset broke through the window as Lyran made final preparations. The apartment that served as a place to stay when he and Ari were in town was now more of a home than any other place, probably due to the two permanent residents.  He tossed the small box in the air a bit before lowering it back into his hand.  "Cal?" Almost instantly, Cal appeared in the room with wide, expectant eyes. It was fascinating that even after two years, this could still capture Lyran like the first day, and how much Cal had retained his naïveté. "Yes?" "I've got something for you. Come here, puppy."

Lyran tapped the armrest off the sofa. Without thinking, Cal came over and knelt in front of him. A glance at the clock said they had to leave in half an hour if they wanted to get to the meeting place in time to collect Ari and Mara. "Open it." Tentatively, Cal pulled at the bow covering the box before taking it from Lyran's hand. Just as gingerly, he opened it and took the small charm from it. At first, it didn't look like anything special, but Cal stroked it with one finger and his eyebrows pulled together. "This is magical." "That's right. An acquaintance of Ari's owed her something."

Leaning forward a little, legs spread wide, Lyran pushed Cal's head up toward him with his index finger. "Mara told me you found pleasure in fucking in public. Is that true, puppy?" "Yes, it's true." "Such a dirty little demon. I'm proud of you," Lyran purred as his hand moved to Cal's hair and reached in. Cal groaned, expecting more to happen, or much more from experience. "The charm will hide your nature from humans, just as Ari's necklace blocks her pheromones, or my bracelets block mine. The necklace is crafted so that in the relevant circles, the relevant people will know you're with us, and you're off-limits to them." "What for?" asked Cal, confused. Lyran's deep, warm laugh washed over him.  "Simple, my dear naughty Cal, you've grown accustomed enough to the human world, and we've done so much for you, we thought to celebrate we'd come up with something special. More specifically, I came up with something special. Even Mara and Ari don't know what's coming up yet. Only Mara knows the address of our destination. We both know how curious Ari is."

Inevitably, Cal had to laugh. Too often, Ari's curiosity had caused her problems.  He whimpered as Lyran let go of his hair. His cock was already pulsing expectantly, and a furtive glance down said that Lyran, too, was more aroused by all this than he had planned.  "You're just too tempting," Lyran shook his head, more at himself than at Cal, "What can I say." "Please..." "Come up here, and be a good boy." Cal needed no further instruction. Practiced, he unzipped Lyran's pants once he sat next to him and immersed himself in the task of pleasuring him.  "Fuck, Cal..." Lyran's hand clawed into Cal's shirt, the other one in his hair.  "Keep it up, puppy." Spurred on by the praise, Cal took Lyran's cock in its entire length and additionally massaged his balls with his free hand. Lyran came unexpectedly fast, but for Cal it was no problem. Greedily, he swallowed everything and licked Lyran's cock clean with long strokes.  "Fuck, you're such a good boy, Cal. I'm tempted to overturn my idea for today." "Why? Surely Mara and Ari wouldn't like that?"

Cal looked up in surprise and slowly straightened up. A mischievous grin on his face, Lyran stroked Cal's thigh. Slowly, his fingertips moved up to the waistband of his pants.  "I think I want you all to myself today." They both laughed out, which in Cal's case turned into an excited moan as Lyran gripped his erection and slowly pumped. "You're so wonderful to watch when you're this aroused," Lyran whispered. Despite all the practice and experience, Cal couldn't hold on after all, and his glow slowly rose "That's what I mean, puppy. Such a good boy, even glowing for me." Cal's whimper only spurred Lyran to torment him with slower movements.  "But we both know Ari wouldn't forgive us for that. The pranks that will follow will definitely have a kick to them." As Lyran chatted on as if it were a plain conversation, Cal tried to concentrate not to glow like a damn sun. He gave it up when Lyran just gently but firmly squeezed his glans. Moaning and whimpering, Cal came. "That's my good boy." Lyran kissed him greedily and then got up to wash his hands. Cal used the few moments to collect himself. "Are you going to reveal what you have planned?" "After you get ready to go out. Mara laid something out for you."

It wasn't long before Cal was back, wearing tight leather pants like Lyran usually wore on stage and a black crop top with mesh inserts.  "Perfect. Come on, we don't want to forget your present." "You planned for it to be used." "Of course." Chain and charm in hand, Lyran grinned broadly and waited for Cal to walk over. Anyone else would have rolled their eyes, but not Cal. He just walked over and turned so Lyran could put the necklace on, and right then and there pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Remember we told you about the clubs where people with the same preferences as us have sex in public?" "Yes." Confused, Cal half-turned over his shoulder. "There's a club run by a lust demon in town. That's where we're going today in celebration of our two-year anniversary." "Will there be other demons there?" Slight panic rippled through Cal's voice, and Lyran turned him all the way around, then took him into a tight hug. "Only the kind that have been vetted multiple times. No one there will hurt you unless you give them permission. Understood?" "Understood. "And we'll always be with you. Nothing will happen to you." A faint smile on Cal's face brought relief to Lyran. "Thanks." "For you, always, Cal. Let's go collect the girls. Ari's probably dying a thousand deaths of curiosity by now."

#writblr #writing #ocskiss23 #blood night #filwky #lyran #cal #modern day au #band au #prompt: charm

[feisaru]

I have 2 questions: - What got you into Inazuma Eleven and into shipping SaruFei and -What is your MBTI?

I like those two asks a lot! I've been waiting for someone to ask me about it for ages. Thank you!

First, about my MBTI. I am one pretty solid INTJ, I have a tendency to lean towards ENTJ in certain aspects tho. (As a little trivia on the side: I'm interested in MBTI and so have been researching functions etc. for quite some time now)

What got me into IE?

Simple. My brother. Summer 2018, he was always watching that annoying soccer show on TV at our grandparents' house, always asking me to come join him. And you know what? One day, I did, and it was one of the best decisions throughout my entire life. The show (only the first season back then) grew onto me rapidly, especially its lovable characters. Heck, IE had me in such a chokehold that I even played soccer with my brother bc of it. At the very beginning, Afuro was living in my head rent-free. He specifically helped me through some very rough times and I will never forget that. He will always be dear to my heart. I did get "out of" IE at some point for reasons, but I always wound up coming back to it cause turns out, no other franchise has ever quite given me as much comfort as this one. Across the last few years, I've been always returning to it with my thoughts whenever it got especially bad. I'm glad I managed to properly come back to it and have it be a big part of my everyday life (hyperfixation be damned (very lovingly)).

Now, imo, Chrono Stone deserves a honorary mention. The CS game (and later the anime) made me feel approximately ten times better than the rest of IE, and that's something. Long story short, I picked up the game from the store the first time I was into IE right after I had done research and learned that this franchise is actually based on games. There was no other game there, so I thougt this would do, too. Then I didn't touch it until 2021. The reason I started playing it was that I desperately needed to escape reality and CS succeeded at distracting me excellently. Coming home in the evening to open my Nintendo was the single highlight of my day.

How did I become insane over Sarufei?

Good question, anon. I cannot really pinpoint the moment it happened, but I can tell you it was pretty quick. Their first bits together already caught my attention in the most brain-tickling way possible, like this one:

The CS manga panel where they let Saryuu cry after he lost and Fei reassures him played into that too (I bought the manga solely for that, but turns out it was overall good). I could go on and on about their psychological aspects that spoke to me right off the bat, but I'll spare you that. Before I knew it, I was trying to search out content of them at 3 am on a week day (good content of them is pretty hard to come by with, in my experience at least). My head was really really really full of them, as it is now as well. They're pretty much the reason I picked up drawing & content creating again after years. The first thing I did after I finished playing CS was draw them and create a social media account so I can post it, so I can find someone to talk about them to. I had to channel how unhinged I'm over them somehow. They're also the reason I still keep on drawing. They make so fucking ill and I'm rotating them in my head at all times.

In conclusion, thanks for letting me go wild through text although this is by far not the best thing I've ever written

(I have. So much to say its jarring but sharing my stuff makes me anxious sometimes nonetheless)

#feisaru receives asks #i wanted an excuse to talk about this for so long #its good nobody will ever see this too #if u got any more questions come at me anon #ask #anon #also just quickly about their shipname #solely bc i felt like talking abt it #feisaru prolly #fits what i think of them a little better #at least as far as others peoples method of composing ship #names goes #fei is the one much more comfy with the idea of them being affecionate with each other in the beginning #but sarufei is the name im used to #and its a name i keep close to my heart as well #the thing is who cares about who gets the front of the shipname and who the back?? it doesn't matter #esp when the power dynamic evens out more eventually #still feisaru does sound very nice. that's why i'm now polluting that tag with my drawings too #my brain is a bit tired after the past week #loads of humans loads of walking not too much sleep and freetime. yeah #forced to be out with my class yk the drill #feisaru #heh #sorry for the choppy tags read them like theyre not choppy #i always go insane whenever i get asks

[nightcall99]

Notes from 20.2.24

'Nothing here is for me'. Yeah.

Here's some boring ranting about my life. (I'm not here right now, I'm an NPC. Can you tell the difference?)

SM is getting shipped off again for a few weeks to another store, and today he said, Nice knowing you, yeah? I said, We already did this last month, I don't know why you keep popping back here so I have to keep saying goodbye, it's kind of annoying. He said, Yeah I know. Normal friends just continue on being friends regardless of where they are physically, but we've always had a complicated relationship. It's like when you know someone too well, and realise it doesn't translate outside of being in forced close proximity. Anyway, then I saw him at the supermarket after work and I knew he saw me first but didn't say anything. Then I walked past him outside while he was waiting for his Uber and he pretended not to see me, until I said something first. I know I invented all this to show me how I really feel. Which is hurt. We used to be so close. I dunno, I've let everyone go except him. There's just a tiny twinge left and that's why I had that dream yesterday. He was one of the few people in my life who was genuinely a good listener. I used to be able to say anything to him and he was never fazed. It's always me being the good listener.

Anyway, AL is annoying me too. On Sundays, we usually stay back for hours to gossip but I wasn't feeling it. So I invented her getting pissed off at the students because they never pull their weight and so she got into a bad mood and wanted to go home immediately. I was happy because that meant I could go home and read my YA fantasy books. I finish one per day almost. There's nothing else to do. I said it before but I don't leave the house unless it's to go to work. I might go to the supermarket, but that's it. I have no desire to go for a walk. I really need to service my car and pump my tires and fill up the wiper fluid. And go to the optometrist and the dentist but I can't bring myself to. I really need to clean out my closet. Re-string my guitar. Clean off the layer of dust on everything. If I focus in on it, it becomes real. But I don't, so it's not real. And things just work out.

I forgot some part-timer kid's name. Made a joke of it, and now she fist bumps me whenever she sees me. On New Year's day, the fridge broke down causing a temperature excursion for all the stuff in there and that meant I had to contact all the drug companies and figure out if the stock was still viable to use. It's been so busy, so I never got round to it and also I just didn't want to do it. When I came back to work last week after my time off, it had all been sorted out and I didn't have to do anything. I smirked inside my head. Today, some special injections for a patient went missing, two of them at $4000 each (it wasn't out of our own pocket, the medication was organised under compassionate supply for the patient and hence free to them, but still) and I was so feeble and indifferent on the phone explaining to the nurse that I simply don't know where the injections went. I didn't care at all. I thought 'Whatever, it's sorted'. Next thing I know, we get an email saying that more injections will get posted out to us. No worries. Awesome.

Things just work out. I don't feel guilt much anymore. I used to be such a stickler for altruism and morality but the pretence is gone. I see both sides of the coin at all times and it's boring. I'm not a good or a bad person. I just am. I have nothing left. Just this body. I focus on this body. I mean I don't exercise but I make sure I always look pretty. I do my hair. I like looking pretty. I like complaining about it afterwards, that I attracted attention. AL and I are pretty toxic like that, we go to each other and we sneer at men who leer at us. While also using the male gaze to our advantage. Men are stupid and simple and I can get away with things. My manager was too scared to ask me to deal with the fridge breech issue, so SM did it. Yeah, I'm vain. I wouldn't have made it long in this life if I had to continue living here. I don't want to age. There's nothing wrong with aging but personally, I do not want to age. Well to be honest, the real reason I wouldn't have made it long in this life is that I don't know how to look after myself because I have never, ever been tethered to reality. It was just pretending all along. Now I don't have to pretend anymore. I'm just a silly girl, really. AL and I agreed the other day that we're only alive to experience romantic tension. And to look in the mirror. Lmao. If it weren't for my parents, I would have died years ago. I mean, it feels like I was supposed to already be gone by now. This NPC has it's functional limits. It wasn't built for more of whatever the fuck this life is.

Anyway yeah, there's nothing left to live for. Except, maybe beauty. And that's it. I have Venus in Libra, what can I say? I enjoy beauty of every kind. Not the world though. Not planet Earth. Maybe's there's still pockets of beauty out there in the natural world but I don't go looking for it anymore. Trees and ponds and shit are dead. I'm talking about all the things that were inspired by the world, but are not really of it. Never really were. Books, poetry, film, music, photography, paintings, fashion. The idea of love. Being in love with the idea of love. To me, this has never changed. It has always been my constant. These things were never 'real' before and they aren't 'real' now. It was always just something imagined, out of hope or whatever. We created an escape through the creation of beautiful things because all along, we have always been dissatisfied. The ground we stood upon was never enough. And that feeling, it needed to come out. I was born with it.

[girltomboy]

So the decision my bf ended up making was to give up on this semester, study for the next one and get a job in his hometown, save up money to pay his uni debts AND move to the big city next year to finish the rest of his exams. Which is a faulty plan, but at least he didn't fully drop out (a decision for which he gave credit to his friend, who told him not to drop out once, not me or his parents, who have been saying this since forever, but NEVERTHELESS-)

He came over on Thursday to leave some documents at uni, and we spent the weekend together. Our only friend here didn't want to hang out (in reality he was working and we were too lazy to go visit him at work on the other side of the city, but his hostile tone didn't give us many signs of our presence being actually wanted) 🥲 so we ended up going to the house of an old dorm neighbor of my boyfriend's, met his gf and spent an evening there while he ranted about religion. I'm gonna be honest, it was a bit of a shock to me to discover that such people really exist. I mean generally I'm good at wrapping my head around all the different kinds of people who exist in the world, right. I like to believe I'm pretty good at perceiving diverse ideas, personalities, tastes, experiences, etc. outside of my bubble. Right.

Now I don't know what it was, but hearing this guy talk about god and religion in a highly conservative way I haven't even heard my PARENTS talk really shook and scared me a bit. Like he was ranting about immigrants and gays worse than any elderly religious person I've met, and we're talking about a guy who's barely entered his early 20s. Talking about "we have to keep our country clean" when our country has historically never been "clean" in the way he means it, like ever. He proudly told us the story of how he moved out of the dorm because he got paired with a Baptist roommate (a BLACK man too!). Well, according to him it wasn't really the sole reason, but a pretty decisive factor, probably. Anyway, he had a male way of dominating conversations, so fortunately I didn't have to say much (neither did his girlfriend, but he made her wash the dishes, sooo 🤡). But he did put my boyfriend in the spotlight because he mentioned having visited some monasteries with his parents last week. And he casually said it felt pleasant to just be there with his parents, so his friend got activated and started telling him he should do it more often, pray, believe, start reading prayer booklets, etc. He went on all sorts of tangents about how god works in mysterious ways, and suffering is the blessed path. Later on two other dudes showed up (apparently my bf knew them from the dorm too) and they were pretty much as pious as their buddy. So when they arrived, the Christian guy started over and once again centered my boyfriend's beliefs in his rant, and even spoke with his MOM over the phone about how she should take him to church more often, MAKE him pray, MAKE him read prayers, etc. And my boyfriend did not seem to mind, maybe because he was the center of attention during the entire discussion, maybe because they made him explore a topic to which he hadn't given much thought before (although he does describe himself as an atheist, he admitted he felt some sort of inner peace during the monastery visits, which... I kind of understand, but to jump from that simple comment to - YOU HAVE TO GO TO CHURCH NOW, THE LORD IS TRYING TO GET A HOLD OF YOU AND YOU HAVE TO RESPOND TO HIS CALL is a bit 🙄), but EYE was pissed off not just on my own cause my religious trauma was getting activated, but also on his behalf because it seemed to me like they had all cornered him and were pushing him into this whole thing without taking into account his opinion, his wishes, his beliefs AT ALL. And mind you, he was preaching all this stuff while rolling a joint, so if you ask ME, sincerity might not be his strongest suit.

After the religious conversation died down, he started telling an interminable story about some kind of journey he and his girlfriend had (ironically, his girlfriend is also an immigrant, but he probably doesn't consider her as such because of geopolitical reasons 🤡 that's just another slice of his fascism cake). His girlfriend uttered 3 sentences at most, while he bragged about how he organized so many people of so many backgrounds, races, and ethnicities that were traveling with them and became their leader basically. I understood nothing of his story (as much of a chatterbox he is, he sucks at it) but at least we got stoned and my bf suggested we go home after a while. And we had enough time to catch the night bus. On the way home I tried to rant about the religious fella, but we were both too cold and tired, and my boyfriend seemed set not necessarily on defending him, but on finding excuses for him. I guess I get it because they were dorm buddies, and my bf said he didn't use to be so god-crazy before, maybe I got triggered because of my religious past. His talking points were one of the main things that drove me away from organized religions in general. I feel like I shed all traces of respect and inclination towards organized religions, but I kept at least a little bit of spirituality that has nothing to do with them. However, this guy seemed like the polar opposite: all religion but no spirituality, no empathy whatsoever. I mean he wasn't terrible, he was a good host and seemed friendly, affectionate with his gf, generous, overall warm. Until he started talking, that is. 🤪

#that was a nuts experience tbh i was so relieved to hear my bf say 'should we go?' i almost got weak in the knees #also i got so stoned for the first time in like 2 weeks #and the guy just wouldn't stop talking fr i was fighting for my life in that cramped up kitchen #and i felt bad for his girl. there was too much masculine energy in that one kitchen like she and i barely got to exchange a few words #and the 2 guys that arrived later were kind of douche bags like one of them did not even introduce himself to me #just walked over to shake my boyfriend's hand #and then later when we said we were leaving (they were not even in the kitchen anymore btw i think they'd gone in the living room) #i heard one of them say duuuuude just stay a bit longer we just smoked like the fuuuck haha #like we hadn't even planned on STAYING at all and we'd already been there for hours before they came #plus we hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and it was almost midnight so there was only the night bus left #idk if my bf heard him or thought anything of that comment but it kinda pissed me off bc who are you? WHO are you literally #but i stayed silent cause we don't need to explain ourselves to anybody and it was so sexy of us to leave early like bye 🛹😎✌

[crowes-nest]

Frustrating week so far. Let's talk about pause menus.

As far as pause menus go, this one is okay. It's clean, legible, and still leaves the game state visible in the background. That last part was important to me, since unpausing a game after a long break can be really disorienting without a reminder of where you were.

It was also really easy to implement, thanks to the power of MonoGame. I talked in my last post about the Update and Draw steps, but as a quick refresher -- the game computes changes to the game state during the Update step (button presses, enemy movements, etc.), and then draws that game state to the screen during the Draw step. Implementing a pause menu is as simple as just telling it not to update while the game is paused.

It really is as simple as that. Well, not really , there's some extra bookkeeping I've crossed out -- but it's almost as simple as that. Add an extra semi-transparent black layer with some text, and you've got baby's first pause menu.

This pause menu has three options -- Resume, Options, and Quit.

Resume and Quit are simple enough, but what does Options do?

I'm probably going to have to rework this so Options contains multiple sub-menus and move this stuff to a sub-menu labeled "CONTROLS", but until I do this menu will be for rebinding the controls.

Which, oh yeah, you can rebind the controls now.

You'll notice that, in addition to the customizable controls, there are some sensible defaults. This is mostly to make navigating the menus easier -- I don't expect anyone to play this game with arrow keys, space, and enter, but I do expect that if someone accidentally binds the "up" or "down" actions to something goofy, they'll be glad to have an easy alternative option they can use to reset it.

Let's talk about how I managed this. Or, well -- you see, I'm not the one who managed this...

You've probably noticed in the other code screenshots something named "contManager". That's short for "Controller Manager". What's a controller manager? Well, it's a type of manager, an object that isn't drawn to the screen but still exists in the game and "manages" some aspect of gameplay. You can have managers for all sorts of things, but you usually want them for features that would be problematic if they were tied to an object that could be deleted or fall out of scope, like a player object or an enemy object -- imagine if the game stored your controller layout in the level object, causing the game to "forget" your control settings every time you advanced to a new level. Best to keep that information stored in a third party. In addition to the ControllerManager, I've got a ProgressionManager to keep track of the player's progression (item pickups, current active checkpoint, etc.) and I'm planning on adding an AudioManager (background music, sound effects, etc.) once I figure that stuff out.

Let's get back to the controller manager, though.

The controller manager is the only object in my game that is allowed to directly read inputs from the keyboard or gamepad. It does this read in a function called "GetInputs"

(cutting out the part where I deal with gamepad stuff because it's weird...)

This function gets run at the start of every Update frame. It saves these values in a series of global variables that all other parts of the game must grab from if they want information about the state of the player's controller. Earlier if you were paying attention you saw contManager.ENTER_PRESSED || contManager.SPACE_PRESSED - well, here they are!

What does this have to do with rebinding controls? Well, every part of the game reads information about the player's controller through the controller manager. Rebinding the controls is as simple as changing which buttons the controller manager reads from, since it will propagate that information out to everything.

Let's back up a second.

Here we're saving values in our up, down, left, right, space, and enter variables, which will be sent out to the parts of the game that want to know that information. We set those values to a boolean "or" statement. You'll notice that the left half of the "or" is our sensible defaults again, but the right half is reading from something called "key_map" -- what's that?

It's a dictionary!

Dictionaries are fantastic data structures that stores pairs of values. My senior capstone in college was practically built on dictionaries; I love these things. Here we're storing pairs of strings and keys -- the strings represent game actions, and the keys represent buttons on your keyboard.

These are the "alternative controls" to our sensible defaults. You'll notice that WASD are already filled in, but I didn't bother providing an alternative for jump and attack. There isn't really a standard alternative for "space to jump", and attack buttons are all over the place in games, so I left those blank and figure players can pick their own alternatives without me needing to provide mine.

Rebinding these controls are as simple as changing the dictionary (plus some extra bookkeeping, for reasons I'm not going to explain here).

Turning this into an interactive menu took a lot of extra steps that make it hard to share in small screen shots like this. A lot of it is really gross string manipulation. I'll just leave this here and let you decipher it if you really want to. It's where the meat of the work for this menu gets computed, anyway.

Alright, I said I was going to talk about pause menus at the start, so I guess I should actually do that.

You should put thought into everything in your game, even small stuff like pause menus. And, when I really think about it, this pause menu is... fine. I even think the main pause menu is actively good. It's clean and fits in with the aesthetic of the game.

The controls menu, on the other hand, could use some more work I think. I want to say it looks like a back-end programmer with no front-end experience was forced to make a UI, but that wouldn't be a fair assessment -- I don't have any back-end experience either. Even beyond aesthetics it's got problems though; there's no mention of which buttons you use to advance dialogue, no mention of which buttons you use to dash (dashing will return in this game, you'll just have to unlock it), and no room for rebinding controllers (which the game supports, by the way -- grab your USB xbox controller and give it a try, if you have one).

Enough being critical, though. Let's end on a positive and also answer an interesting question at the same time. Why didn't my old gamemaker projects have menus?

The short answer is that I didn't want to figure out how that stuff would work. Rebinding controls through a controller manager would probably work the same way it does in this game, only I never built my games to accommodate a controller manager -- the player object read inputs directly from the keyboard, as did everything else. It's a testament to how much better I've got at structuring these projects that I had the foresight to implement something like the controller manager from the beginning.

On that same line, implementing a pause menu wouldn't be as easy in gamemaker as it is in monogame. The engine handles the update step for you automatically, so there's no obvious place to freeze updates (at least, not that I'm aware of). The best I can think of is saving the gamestate somehow, moving the game to an empty "room" that's a series of menu buttons, and loading that saved gamestate when the player exits the menu. Doing it this way means the actual game can't be visible in the pause menu, though. And I really like having the game be visible while it's paused. Besides the stuff I already mentioned about being less disorienting, it also lets you pull off these cool screen shots. This was a close one -- that slime almost had me there :^)

That's about it. Thanks for reading these. I tried to annotate parts of the code to draw your attention to it this time, since I think this stuff can get pretty overwhelming without some guidance. Hopefully it came across as helpful and not insulting -- I'm not trying to imply that you're not smart enough to figure this stuff out without big red arrows saying "LOOK AT THIS PART!!!", I just think you're not going to put in university-level effort for a tumblr post.

I'll see you next time when I talk about object inheritance, or something. Maybe. We'll see.