This is a small continuation of “So Close”, and the beginning of a short series because, fck self control.
Set on the 2 year gap from Apokolips War.
AO3
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Suddenly she felt her lip tremble, but she wasn't sure if it was because of the cold or because of the immense desire to cry.
Or maybe for both.
She looked around for a second time, forcing herself to reminisce about that room, or what it had once been, afraid of forgetting even the smallest detail.
It had been far too long since the last time she was there, at the tower. She had wished she hadn't come back, the last time she had been here, alone, her sadness and despair had gotten the best of her. But Clark found her before it was too late, giving her back a grain of hope, even if it sometimes felt like a dream evaporating in her hands. And yet, every day she woke up and she chose to believe.
And so she believed that after several months she would be able to return to that place that for a precious short time she called home. And believed that she could present herself with her head held high, honoring the strength that her former team saw in her.
How delusional.
The voice of her demonic father spoke low but proud, too full of himself, knowing that it was not necessary to wear himself out shouting his threats, because the weight of his words resonated by itself in every bone of his body, traveling in the sea of insecurities. that took possession of her.
You have nothing left. You are nothing without them.
"I'm trying."
She whispered the words, shutting her eyes, imagining her friends there. Imagining him there, giving her the strength and the will to continue. But all she found was the emptiness of their absence that only seemed to have grown larger with time.
"Raven." The firm grip on her shoulder made her turn to face Clark. He was no longer the man of steel and now roamed the earth by foot and hid his guilt under a brown sweatshirt. He was nothing but an ordinary man, a mortal. And yet his hope remained steel. "Is there a safe area to rest?"
The words felt bitter. She could once have sworn that the Tower was a safe space, almost indestructible, and now it was reduced to rubble and shards of memories and shattered dreams.
“We just got here, do you really want to rest?”
“Raven, it's midnight. We need to rest, both of us.”
Oh. It was true
They traveled at night so as not to attract the attention of the Paradooms. And although the moon was above them, Raven had lost any consciousness of time.
After several months, time had lost its meaning for her.
Without saying a word, she walked through what was left of the tower. Much of it was completely gone. Clark just followed and mimicked Raven's actions as he watched her crouch down and start moving some stones that soon revealed a hidden entrance. For an instant he felt ashamed, after so many years walking the halls of the Hall of Justice or the Watchtower, would he religiously remember the details of the place as Raven did, despite being walking through rubble?
They went down to the bunker. The flash of light dazzled Raven for an instant, but her eyes quickly adjusted to the light, and a slight sense of calm filled her as she saw that everything was still intact from her last time there.
"There are mats on this side, and we kept the remaining provisions there. There aren't too many but they will cover us for a few days. Damian rationed them well and…." Clark almost ran into Raven's back when she stopped in her tracks, but any complaints or words that had formed in his mind disappeared when he looked up and found blood stains on the floor, completely dry after several months in neglect.
"This…"
“It's from Nightwing. Dick's." Raven swallowed hard, replaying the memory of that moment in her mind over and over again. Her face remained skeptical, but Clark could see the pain in her eyes. He took a step toward her, but Raven took another step away. "You should sleep on that side." She pointed out the opposite side of the room and Clark just nodded and walked back, giving the titan some privacy.
"You are not sleeping yet?" He asked after a few minutes. Raven was still motionless in front of the stained area.
“No, I…” she shifted into her place, but the haze of her emotions wouldn't let her move. "I have to clean up." She finally turned to see him, her face like a puzzle. On one side there was the sadness that accompanied her since the day he found her and then there was that grimace of pain that she tried to hide behind a smile.
In all the time they had been together, Raven never lost her usual seriousness. Clark had to learn to recognize the little winces of pain in her in order to reach out and offer help.
But that was the first time she had actually tried to hide behind the falsehood of a smile. And Clark didn't know what to do.
"I can…"
"You have to rest." Raven turned on her heels, ending the discussion as she left the room for a few minutes.
Clark knew better than anyone not to push Raven. He dropped himself to the mat in resignation and let sleep wash over him. He must rest. His body was of no use to anyone, even to him it was just a casing giving its last breaths. He couldn't afford to be an even heavier burden.
The first time he met Raven, she along with the Titans had saved him and the rest of the League. Back then he had promised himself that he would be the one to protect them and everyone, after all, there was no one else with his strength and power. It was with that goal that led everyone to their downfall. And even with all the helplessness that thought gave him, he forced himself to try to rest. If his strength couldn't do anything else, he could at least keep his spirit to protect Raven from what she didn't speak of.
Unaware of him, his eyelids closed and he lost consciousness.
"Dammit."
The growl woke him alert, ready to attack, but there was only Raven on her knees trying to clean the brown stain. It was past 2 in the morning, he had barely slept an hour, but Raven was still absorbed in the same place.
"Raven, you have to sleep."
"I can't sleep until I get this out of here." She continued to scrub the floor, letting out a sob from time to time. For a moment Clark thought of turning around and ignoring hert, but her fingers were tight on the piece of cloth that was rubbing the stain, even a few drops of sweat appeared on his forehead, noting that she had been there for a long time but the stain had barely lost color. He sighed.
"Come on, let me try."
"No. I should-"
“Richard, Garfield, Jaime, Kori, all of them and more died because of me. Their blood is on my hands, Raven, not yours. Let me clean it.” Raven didn’st say anything or moved, but her fingers loosened her grip and Clark took the opportunity to remove the worn napkin from her hand.
He calmly walked into the kitchen, filled a glass with water and grabbed a few more napkins. When he returned, Raven was sitting next to the stain, her back against the wall, hugging her knees. Clark poured the liquid over the blood and sat down to wait in silence.
"Dick didn’t die the day of the attack." Clark turned to look at her confused, not sure if she was talking to him or if she was thinking out loud. “I thought he was but when I found him he was still alive. Barely. I found him and then Damian found us. We came down here after the Paradooms left the first time.”
"I see." He didn't dare say more when he noticed how her eyes glazed over.
“I stayed here with Dick, trying to keep him alive. I was exhausted but I couldn't give up. Damian was forcing me to sleep but I couldn't leave him, I couldn't leave Dick. Damian did everything he could, and I really tried." Her voice broke, looking away as she felt the impotence take over her at the memory.
"And you didn't move from here." Raven shook her head, wiping any trace of attempted tears from her eyes with the inside of her jacket.
"You can rest. At least for tonight no one will depend on you. In the morning we will continue our mission, and afterwards, with much effort, we will save our planet. I promise."
There it was again. That blinding hope that he continued to radiate. In her mind she could hear Damian's complaints over and over again, his voice repeating how inept Clark could be, analyzing one by one all the reasons why his promises were going to go wrong, and even so, his words gave her a little relief. At least enough to allow her to close her eyes for a few hours.
“Do you really think we'll find him? Do you think he's still alive?" Clark leaned down and began to scrub again.
"If we don't find any clues that lead to Damian, then we'll go with plan B. One way or another, we will find him and end all of this."
Raven wrinkled her nose in contempt at the alternative, but she was too tired to argue.
"Look, the stain is starting to come out." Clark said with satisfaction.
"That's good." Her gaze was still glued to Clark, but suddenly her head felt heavy, and without realizing it, her eyes closed. When Clark turned to her, a small smile appeared on his lips at seeing her finally asleep.
"I'm trying too, Raven."
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