#just. sigh. im tired of this shit. i want to spend my days purposefully doing nothing. not working and getting closer to a mental breakdown | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

taexual · 5 years

Text

HOLIC - 31 | jb x reader

pairing: Im Jaebum x Reader

genre: enemies to lovers au | roommate au

warnings: angst + fluff + strong language + mild sexual themes aka the whole package

words: 8.3k (oh wow)

disclaimer: i do not own the gif, please let me know if it belongs to you, so i can give proper credit

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Your morning started an hour early because your phone’s incessant vibrating under your pillow made it feel as though an earthquake had started right in your room. Whining in a manner that resembled the terror-stricken screech of a pterodactyl far more than it resembled a sound any human would make, you pulled your phone out from under your pillow and squinted your eyes to check the time before you checked what had happened.

It was five in the morning. You were more than ready to kill the reason why your phone was blowing up but then you noticed that it was Jaebum. The text messages from him were coming too fast for you to read them, however, and as you turned the chat with him on and began to reply – hoping to ask what his last wish was before you killed him – he must have noticed the three dots, and called you immediately.

Now growing concerned, you picked his call up and cleared your throat before actually speaking.

“He—”

“Jesus, you will never believe this,” Jaebum started before you even managed to get a word out. He sounded out of breath as if he’d been running while texting you. “They called me. They fucking called me! They said they—”

“They?” you repeated, your voice groggy. “Who—”

“Wait, were you sleeping?” he asked, realizing suddenly. “Oh, fuck, it’s—I’m sorry. Do you want to go back to sleep?”

“Yes,” you said, the exhaustion turning you into the least pleasant person possible. Jaebum paused, sensing you were going to continue. You did, “but you already woke me up, so tell me what happened.”

He debated hanging up and calling you later – when you sounded less dismissive, perhaps – but he realized he couldn’t really keep this to himself any longer – hence the countless text messages he’d sent you.

“My supervisor called,” Jaebum said. You were still too tired to understand why that was a big deal. “He has a night show, so his sleeping schedule is all over the place—anyway. He called to tell me that his team liked it. They liked my song.”

“They—oh, shit!” you sat up in bed, the news waking you up as well as an electric current would. “Jaebum, that’s amazing!”

“God, I know!” his enthusiasm was evident through the phone call and, all of a sudden, you didn’t care about sleep anymore. You found yourself wishing he’d told you this in real life – although, perhaps not so early – so you could have seen the smile on his face. “He said he doesn’t mind playing it on our station but he doesn’t think I should play it on my show – because that’s not fair – so he sent it Cato – he’s the nephew of my boss, so, naturally, his show is at five, right when everyone gets into their cars and turns their radios on as they drive home from work – and Cato’s going to play it on his show. Today. He—i-it’s happening.”

“Today?!” your voice was a whole octave higher and you weren’t sure if Jaebum could understand what you were saying anymore. “That is fantastic, I’m so happy to hear that!”

“Yeah!” Jaebum sounded like he was seconds away from jumping up and down and, once again, you hated that you couldn’t physically see him in that moment. “So, listen, we have to celebrate. Cancel your plans tonight. I already called Mark. He said he’ll kill me for waking him up this early after we completely empty every drink at his bar.”

“Oh, that’s good,” you said, still giddy. “I’ll join in. But not today, though. Today is all about you. I really can’t believe this.”

“I know,” you could hear his excitement in his voice and it filled your chest with incredible amounts of joy. “I wouldn’t have submitted the song without you. Thank you.”

Your smile widened after hearing this but you shook your head even if he couldn’t see you.

“No, it’s all you,” you told him, sincere. “But I did say your song was amazing, didn’t I? Repeatedly, if I remember correctly. Good to know my taste is universal.”

Jaebum laughed – the sound making your heart beat even faster – before saying, “you know Jackson is going to get jealous that he’d tried to convince me to do it for so long and to no avail, while you did it in just a few days, right?”

“He won’t get jealous,” you disagreed, not trying to act like you knew Jackson better than Jaebum did but knowing that there was no way this was going to be the case. “He won’t care. He’ll just be happy this is happening for you. I am happy, too. Truly. You deserve this.”

The silence on the other end of the call would have made you think he’d hung up on you but you could hear his soft breaths so you knew he was stilll on the line. It killed you not to know what he was thinking, though.

“Thank you,” he ended up repeating. “You have no idea how much you’ve done for me.”

The sincerity in his voice was an indication that he wasn’t just thanking you for helping him out with the song. He was grateful for everything. And he’d meant it when he said you had no idea about any of it because if you had, you wouldn’t have been struggling to breathe all of a sudden because his voice was so gentle and so different to yesterday when he’d told you he wasn’t interested in dating.

“I’ll text you later,” Jaebum started to speak just when your face fell at the memory. “But find a free moment at five, would you?”

“I will,” you assured him, your heart full of warm emotion despite the bitter disappointment of yesterday slowly creeping in. “Beware, though, all of my text messages from that point onward will have more exclamation points than actual words.”

He chuckled at that, making you smile and strengthening your fight with yourself as you tried to keep thinking straight. Only when the call finished were you able to finally exhale, some of the wistful excitement leaving your body along with your breath.

There was still quite some time before you had to wake up to get ready for work but you already knew you weren’t going to be sleeping anymore. The excitement of knowing that Jaebum was just one step away from achieving success had filled your bloodstream with enough adrenaline to last the whole day and the sudden disappointment that followed when you recalled his confession – which, essentially, firmly locked the entrance gates to an actual, real relationship you’d thought you’ve been approaching with Jaebum – only seemed to strengthen the deadly amount of epinephrine inside of you.

You fell back onto your pillow, face-down. Screaming seemed to fit your mood – the pillow would have muffled the sound – but you didn‘t feel like screaming. Your desperate need to be with Jaebum didn‘t manifest itself in an aggressive way. Instead of wanting to yell and throw things around because, as it turned out, even after all this time, you still didn‘t understand him, you just wanted to sigh, groan, and... give up, really.

You‘d decided some time ago that you weren‘t going to care about the lack of official labels but, clearly, some part of you had thought that the label would come... eventually. That is, you thought that fooling around with each other as roommates was just one state that you would, sooner or later, move on from and, consequently, turn into something more. But, then again, you’ve already moved on from being just roommates. You already were something more.

And, for the love of all things holy, now you knew you needed the damn label to go with it.

Kissing Jaebum without knowing what would happen next was one thing – the ignorance was, oh, so blissful – but kissing him while knowing that he was never going to want anything official with you was an entirely different one. The first instance was pathetically promising. The second one was just pathetic.

Realizing that, ever since you‘d moved here, you‘d always hovered in this tiny—oddly comfortable—space between promising and pathetic, you turned back around and focused your eyes on the ceiling instead. You‘d reached a decision – well, your heart reached it for you – that was as neutral as you thought it to be possible.

You‘d wait.

You didn‘t even know that Jaebum had considered starting a relationship with you when he’d first met you, and he confessed it after some mild prodding from you. And, similarly, you didn‘t know that he‘d changed his mind about this and was now, apparently, not really interested in any relationship, but he confessed that, too. Although, frankly, you‘d have preferred it if he hadn‘t. Ignorance wasn‘t just blissful. It was also comfortable.

So, now you were going to wait. Maybe – your poor hopeful heart whispered – you‘d misunderstood something. Maybe Jaebum had meant something else and he was just waiting for the right moment to make himself clear. Again.

Not pressuring him into admitting something wasn‘t a tactic you‘ve tried before because you were generally a very I-need-this-now sort of person – which, of course, wasn‘t a very good trait but you‘d have been lying if you said you‘d been working to get rid of it – but this was bigger than anything you‘ve dealt with before. This wasn‘t a surprisingly abusive ex-girlfriend and this wasn‘t a purposefully secretive hobby of creating unbelievably good music.

This wasn‘t even you and Jaebum. This was you-and-Jaebum. As an item. As one item.

So, you were going to wait and focus on his music because that‘s what he needed you do to right now. He needed you to be his roommate and his friend. And that’s what you were going to be – or try to be – the whole night tonight.

Tonight, you were going to wait.

After having a semi-decent day at work – with just the right amount of actual working involved so you didn‘t have to spend the whole day wallowing in your utter confusion; but, then again, no day that involved communicating with snobby attitudes and overly arrogant customers was truly a decent day – you nearly lost all of your patience and even debated quitting when right at the end of your shift – and about twenty minutes until the radio show which would play Jaebum‘s song was supposed to start – a lady, that had brought her offspring with her to the gallery, had turned away for “one second,” and the unsupervised child proceeded to use a crayon he‘d snuck in somehow – not that there was a warning against crayons at the gallery but you‘d figured it would have been a given – to paint all over the walls of the first floor.

At that point, everyone was already tired and excited about closing up so, by the time you noticed the surprising neon red stripe running below the paintings exhibited on the walls of the gallery, there was already no point in stopping the child. His mother – on the phone with someone now – noticed the decorated walls at about the same time as you did and, once your eyes met, you thought you could see multiple emotions pass on the woman‘s face but remorse wasn‘t one of them.

She was shocked and, most likely, embarrassed. But she didn‘t feel like this was her fault. People that came to this gallery rarely did, so, straightening your posture once she took a step in your direction, you were prepared to listen to her excuse that was, really, only meant to restore her dignity and not actually explain why she‘d thought leaving her child alone was a good idea.

As it turned out, you were only partially right as the first words that passed her lips when she reached you were, “is this going to cost much?” followed by, “and how long is this going to take? I have somewhere to be in fifteen minutes.”

It was going to cost much – although, she was going to have to take this up with your supervisor, Eva – but it wasn’t about the money. Not that she’d ever understand it – clearly, she, just like everyone else in her position, was the kind of rich person that assumed money solved everything. But you couldn’t very well wipe the walls with money. And someone was going to have to wipe the fresh layer of crayon away.

“I’m sorry,” was what Eva told you when you gave her your best version of the puppy dog eyes after the woman had left – and taken her devil of a child with her; you thought he even snuck his tongue out at you on his way out. “You were covering this floor. Did you have plans tonight?”

There were eight minutes left until the radio show and Eva didn’t sound like she was going to excuse you from fixing this mess just because you’d made plans. She looked ready to give you a friendly pat on the shoulder and a pitiful look because you were covering this floor with two other girls – a real honor to cover the main floor of the gallery but you’d have traded it for anything – so, therefore, you were supposed to supervise the stray child. And now all three of you were going to pay by staying after work.

You were so angry – and even swore that if you’d ever have children, you would never let them use anything as unexpectedly dangerous as crayons – that, as soon as you started to clean the wall, you no longer felt like listening to the radio show at all. But then, choosing to make rational instead of emotional decisions, you groaned and pulled your earphones out from your pocket, plugging them into your phone. Your shift had, technically, just ended so you didn’t worry too much about being caught using your phone.

The radio show was just starting and the host, Cato, as Jaebum had told you, was introducing himself. You had no doubt he was going to play a few of the more popular songs before getting to the new ones, so you took this time to calm yourself down.

Jaebum had texted you before, checking if you’d make it to Mark’s bar by six-thirty tonight but, by the looks of this, you were only going to be there at eight the earliest. For some reason, however, the frustration you’d felt after seeing the child draw on the walls of the gallery had merged with the frustration you’ve been feeling ever since Jaebum had told you he wasn’t interested in a relationship, and thus, you suddenly didn’t feel like warning him that you were going to be running very late.

The bitter part of your mind told you that he just wouldn’t care anyway – and why would he? He didn’t want a relationship with you so why did it matter if his roommate wasn’t going to be there, celebrating with him? You wanted to show him you weren’t going to let him use your weaknesses against you and kiss you whenever he pleased – not that you minded, honestly, but this was your dignity at stake – and then claim he wasn’t interested in a relationship. You might have been dying to have him close to you at all times, but you had some self-respect, too.

But then you heard it. The first chords of “Don’t Touch Me” played in your earphones and, all of a sudden, your hand was wiping the wall of the gallery completely reflexively, because your mind had been transported back to Jackson’s studio when you’d first heard the song.

Listening to it now felt just as ethereal except now you knew you weren’t the only person hearing Jaebum’s voice as he sang his heart out. Now you were sharing the magical experience of his music with other listeners, some of which had undoubtedly written down the name of the song so they could look up the artist later. Jaebum’s song was no longer something that only a handful of people knew about – it was out there for the whole world to hear now.

People never think they take anything for granted until it’s taken away from them and you realized just how personal—how intimate—it had felt to be a part of the selected few who knew about this remarkable part of Jaebum. You bit your lip, realizing that anyone could listen to his music now. It didn’t make the song feel any less exceptional, not at all. But it did make you feel a lot less special.

So, getting your phone out, you texted Jaebum back because, even though he may not have wanted you in the way that you wanted him, the dread of wasting the bond you’ve created with him was too great. You were still, officially, just roommates and it hurt—and frustrated you, too—to think that you’d never be anything more but you didn’t think your self-respect – or, now that you thought back on it, perhaps it was your aggravation – was worth more than what you had with him.

You still wanted to know Jaebum. You still wanted him close. But maybe, in order to appease to your wishes and to your dignity, it was time you stopped kissing him. Maybe, your decision to wait included a pause on every physical activity that involved you and him.

When you got to Mark’s bar, nearly everyone was already drunk. Jackson greeted you at the door – he was truly just as excited about this as you and Jaebum were – and nearly spilled his drink all over your top when he leaned in for a hug. Affection was, obviously, not a foreign concept to him and it only seemed to intensify when he was drunk.

The number of people you didn’t recognize here didn’t surprise you – mostly because you weren’t sure if they were all Jaebum’s friends or if they were just random bar-goers who’d joined in after they saw that Jaebum was celebrating – but, when you caught the sight of Kiera – by all means, your best friend – talking to Mark by the bar, you stopped short.

She noticed you almost immediately and, after hopping off the stool excitedly, approached you with her arms outstretched.

“Hi!” she shrieked, always loud when she was drunk. “You’re finally here!”

“I am,” you replied, hugging her back, still surprised—but not disappointed—to see her here. “And you’re here, too.”

“Yes! Mark called me and told me you and Jackson had kicked Jaebum’s ass and got him to play his song on the radio,” she revealed, pulling you towards the bar by your hand. “I listened to it and, Jesus Christ, what has he been doing all this time?! The song is amazing.”

“It is,” you nodded, unable to resist a smile. Hearing her praise Jaebum made you feel even prouder of him. “So, hey, Mark called you, huh?”

Kiera rolled her eyes, giving the aforementioned bartender a nod – Mark’s smile seemed to widen when he saw that she was back at the bar – and then turning back to look at you and your smirk.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she warned. “I came because I was looking for a reason to get drunk.”

“You’re not that big on drinking,” you pointed out, the teasing grin not leaving your features.

“Fine. Then I came because I was excited to meet the creator of such a phenomenal song.”

You were basically the Cheshire cat now. “You’ve met him before.”

Kiera rolled her eyes. “You really want me to admit that I only came because I missed my best friend, don’t you?”

She threw an arm over your shoulders and you groaned, genuinely impressed—and annoyed—by her ability to avoid the topics she didn’t want—or wasn’t ready—to talk about. You were going to drop this, though, and just allow her to talk about something that she was more comfortable with but then Mark brought you and her drinks, and Kiera’s entire face lit up. You truly couldn’t help yourself.

“So, it’s me you’ve missed, yeah?” you asked her, hiding your smile behind your cocktail glass.

“Yes,” Kiera said with a straight face. You really could have learned a thing or two about avoiding uncomfortable topics from her because, somehow, your group of friends always chose you to tease. “I haven’t seen you in too long, I couldn’t miss the opportunity.”

“Mmmhmm,” you hummed, taking a sip and instantly feeling the alcohol hit your head. Mark must have used three parts vodka and one part cranberry juice when making this instead of the other way around. “Wow, this is hard—uh, right. And h-how did you know I was going to be here? I was late but I could have just never shown up.”

Kiera almost sighed, your hypothetical situation not sounding realistic in the slightest.

“Of course you were going to be here,” she said, “because Jaebum is here.”

You took another sip, enjoying the taste more this time, which could have only meant that the alcohol was doing its’ job properly.

“What?” you asked her, raising your eyebrows. “Are you implying I follow him wherever he goes?”

“No. I’m saying you follow each other,” Kiera replied, finishing her drink in one big gulp. She might not have gone out to drink very often, but she still knew how to. “It’s been impossible for any of us to see you without getting a glimpse of Jaebum, too.”

You shook your head, finishing your cocktail as well. “That’s not true. Hyojin and I went to our café the other day and—”

“—and then Jaebum called you, and you ran home to him,” Kiera finished for you.

“I—” you stopped, your stomach clenching. Your eyes were now on your empty glass on the bartop. “I didn’t run.”

Your friend had a victorious smile on but you weren’t looking at her.

“I wasn’t there,” she said, “but, trust me, you ran.”

“Okay, I don’t like where this is going,” you waved your hands around before covering your face. Kiera took this moment to wave Mark over just as you added, “let’s go back to me teasing you about Mark.”

She paused, hoping the bartender didn’t hear it but, just like always, she regained her balance quickly.

“Or,” Kiera started, “how about you go find your boy? I’ve seen him circle the bar three times before you got here and either he really wants to pee and can’t find the bathroom – which isn’t likely since, according to Mark, Jaebum has been here, at least, a hundred times – or he’s looking for you.”

Your heart rate picked up at the sound of that. You could tell that your entire body was on fire just imagining Jaebum waiting for you – your face, especially; your flustered state was probably obvious and visible from three galaxies away – and you did not want this to be the state that he saw you in for the first time today.

“He’s not my boy,” you said in a small voice.

“Oh, honey,” Kiera sighed, her hands on her hips. She sounded oddly motherly when she said, “he is.”

You shook your head, not particularly eager to inform her of Jaebum’s confession about the first night you’ve met and then the dismissal of your developing relationship that had followed at the ice cream store.

“No—” you started but your friend wasn’t going to have it.

“You may not have admitted it to yourselves yet but please don’t think the rest of us are as oblivious as you two are, yeah?” she said sternly. “Now go. He’s waited long enough.”

You huffed, stepping off the bar stool per her order and deciding to add one last, “you only want me gone so you can go back to talking to Mark,” before you walked away.

Kiera laughed – not defending herself this time – and watched you disappear deeper into the crowd as you looked for Jaebum.

You found him at the very back of the bar, lounging on one of the couches in a private booth, Jackson and four other guys you’ve never seen before surrounding him. Jaebum looked cheerful – a bright smile adorned his features and made your stomach do cartwheels – and intoxicated just like everyone else here. His cheeks were rosy and he looked visibly relaxed, except his eyes kept drifting away from his friends as he scanned the club.

You could have passed out right then and there when his eyes landed on you and you saw him stand up immediately. His friends all turned to look but Jackson was the only one who understood why Jaebum was suddenly leaving the table mid-conversation.

“You’re here!” was the first thing Jaebum said to you once he stopped close enough for you to hear him, his friends’ eyes following him. “Come on, let me introduce you to everyone.”

He’d grabbed your hand – as if that was the most natural thing to do – and lead you to his booth where Jackson was sitting with a shit-eating grin on his face, and the other four guys looked pleasantly surprised.

“Alright, that’s Jackson, you know him already,” Jaebum began right away as one of his friends stood up to let you and Jaebum sit down on the couch next to each other. The same friend debated standing to give you two more space but then he decided to sit down next to you, after all – which prompted Jaebum to unconsciously pull you closer to him. “The one next to you is Jinyoung, he must be my oldest friend.”

The boy next to you scoffed. “Nice way to make me sound like I’m eighty.”

“I mean I’ve known him the longest,” Jaebum clarified, leaning back in his seat and rolling his eyes. “The one across from you is Yugyeom, he’s basically a child so we’re not really sure if he can even drink legally—”

“Hey!” came Yugyeom’s protest.

“—and the one next to him is BamBam,” Jaebum continued, “but he’s pissed because he has to be up early tomorrow and I refuse to care. Youngjae is also looking glum because his dog had some sort of an emergency today – everything’s fine now, though – but wait until he’s had a couple of drinks, you’ll love him. And, yeah. These guys here, along with Mark at the bar, are all my friends. The ones that matter, anyway.”

You nodded, giving the boys at the table a smile. You realized that these had to be the people Jaebum was talking about at the ice cream store yesterday – the friends that stuck with him throughout his relationship with Suji and after. The real ones.

They all looked welcoming enough but meeting new people was always a stressful experience. Knowing that these guys cared about Jaebum probably as much as you did, however, made you relax for one quick moment until your mind conjured up a scenario where his friends absolutely hated the very thought of you, and Jaebum moved out because he valued the opinion of his friends too much.

But then you took a deep breath and returned to the decision that you’d made this morning – you were going to worry about one thing at a time. Tonight was about Jaebum’s music. His friends' potential hatred for you could be handled tomorrow.

“It’s nice to meet you,” you settled on the basic response. “I’d say Jaebum told me so much about you but, honestly, he’s not much of a talker.”

Yugyeom was the first to laugh as he nodded eagerly, agreeing. “We weren’t aware he even had a roommate until a few days ago when Jackson had let it slip.”

That’s right, you were his roommate. Although, based on how close you were sitting to each other right now, one could have assumed differently.

You swallowed, reminding yourself that you’d decided you weren’t going to give in to your impulses anymore – at least not until you’ve reached a decision what your relationship with each other was – and tuned back in to the conversation his friends were having – it was BamBam, this time, ranting about how Jaebum never told them anything until the very last minute.

Jaebum kept rolling his eyes and sending soft threats their way each time his friends said something he’d have rather kept quiet about, but you could tell that these were his people. He was completely himself around them and you couldn’t help but smile as you watched them interact. It felt important to be in the presence of his closest circle of friends; it felt like you mattered to him just as much as the rest of them did.

As the night progressed, the boys all expressed their support, making it clear that they were just as proud of Jaebum as you were, all while still not ceasing to tease him about the smallest things. The waitress had stopped by your booth multiple times, and slowly, you felt yourself give in to the alcohol as a fog started to form in your mind and your mood kept lifting with every joke that Jackson cracked.

A few more drinks later, your table seemed to split into two worlds. There were the rest of the boys, getting louder with each glass that they’ve emptied, and there were you and Jaebum, seemingly lost to the rest of the world as you cuddled close to each other, his hand still on your waist and your head coming to rest on his shoulder.

“Why were you late?” he asked quietly but you were so close to him, you were able to hear him even through the sound of his friends’ laughter.

“A catastrophe at the gallery,” you replied with a sigh, your fingers absentmindedly toying with the edge of Jaebum’s cardigan that had come to rest on your thigh when you two sat down. “A kid got loose and decided to decorate the pale walls with a red crayon.”

“Oh, shit,” Jaebum replied but you could tell the image had made him smile. “Whoever decided to give kids crayons was a real asshole.”

“Tell me about it,” you sighed. “I had to go around, cleaning that mess and now I can’t even feel my legs anymore.”

For someone as drunk as him, he truly reacted quickly and as soon as you’d said that, Jaebum was suddenly lifting your legs up and dropping them on his lap, completely ignorant to the raised eyebrows on the faces of the boys around you.

“Why did you wear heels?” he asked you, one of his hands remaining on your waist while he placed his other one on your legs, his fingers tapping a gentle rhythm on your thigh.

“Because I wanted to look nice,” you replied, leaning against him because not leaning against him was suddenly too hard.

“You always look nice,” Jaebum replied, his quiet voice managing to drown out the loud noises of the bar.

The two of you would have never noticed that the rest of the boys had gotten up and left if it weren’t for Jackson who’d patted Jaebum on the back on his way out of the booth. And even though it was just you two sitting at the table now, you remained pressed tightly against each other.

Somehow, you’d let go of Jaebum’s cardigan and found your fingertips tracing the veins on Jaebum’s hand instead, as he’d stilled, letting his hand rest on your thigh. Your feather-light touch and the warmth of your body pressed against his only seemed to amplify the effect of the alcohol and Jaebum suddenly couldn’t handle having you so close to him and not doing anything about it.

“Do you remember the first time we met?” he asked, turning his hand palm up so he could take your hand into his instead.

You raised your head to look at him. “When I texted your ad?”

“No,” he replied, intertwining your fingers. “In real life.”

“When you tried to kick me out of the apartment?”

“Ah,” he chuckled, surprised that your memory worked this well even after all of these drinks. “No. Before that.”

“Before—” you frowned and then realized what he’d been talking about. The fateful one-night-stand. “Oh.”

Jaebum could tell that you’ve remembered as he nodded, watching your reaction. “Yeah.”

“You know I remember,” you told him then, your eyes on his. “We’ve talked about it.”

“Yeah, but you always focus on what happened after,” he said. “But do you ever think about the night itself?”

It was already warm in the club but his question only seemed to make you feel hotter. The intense look in his eyes wasn’t helping much, either. Although intoxicated, there was still a certain power to his gaze, and you found yourself looking away for just a moment so you could find a way to reply.

The night you’ve met always lingered in the back of your mind but you never focused on it, not wanting it to further speed up the process of falling for him. You’ve already had enough on your plate as it was, and reminiscing about how his skin had felt like pressed against yours was only going to complicate everything even more.

“W-well, I’ve been sort of busy trying to figure out what’s going on with you and me at the moment,” you admitted. “But have you, uh… thought about it?”

His response seemed to come out in a breath that caused shivers to run down your spine, “all the time.”

You were afraid to inhale – let alone move – in case you’d scare him off from continuing and Jaebum – seemingly afraid of the same thing – tightened his grip on you by pulling you onto his lap until you were straddling him and then wrapping his arms around your waist protectively.

You watched him, completely helpless and lost in the darkness – and the warmth, the lust, the love hiding there – inside of his eyes.

“You know, after all this time, I’ve finally managed to convince myself that you’re not the kind of person who would completely overcome someone’s life,” he said, the past doubts and insecurities sticking their necks out for the briefest of moments as Jaebum moved one of his hands to your face, no longer able to resist not touching your lips with the tips of his fingers. “But I’ve been wrong.”

You couldn’t find your voice. “W-what?”

“You have taken over my life completely,” he confessed, his eyes following the movements of his fingers as they gently brushed against your lower lip. “You weren’t even trying and you’re just everywhere. In every corner of my mind. In every part of my world. I can’t escape you.”

“Do you…” you started to say, your throat drying up, “do you want to?”

“No,” he shook his hand, pulling his hand away from your face and bringing it back to your waist. “God, no. It drives me crazy when I can’t stop thinking about you but I-I can’t imagine myself not doing that anymore.”

At that point, you were certain that the sound of both of your hearts banging against your ribcages – ready to explode in one big fire – was heard across the entire bar, but you couldn’t tear your eyes away from him as you whispered, “you never told me you thought about me.”

“You never tell me what you’re thinking about, either,” Jaebum replied, the corners of his lips lifting. “We’re not the kind of people who share our deepest desires with each other.”

“Deepest desires,” you repeated, tasting the words on your tongue and making Jaebum’s smile widen. “Is that so?”

“Yes,” he confirmed, straightening in his seat until his chest was pressed against yours. “They run deep.”

“How deep?” you asked shakily, your breath mixing with his.

“Very deep,” Jaebum replied, finally allowing himself to lower his eyes to your lips. He’d never thought he’d have this much self-control even if staying away from you was starting to get simply impossible. “But I feel like they’re rushing to the surface too fast for me to stop them.”

The distance between your lips was virtually non-existent now but the unexpected surge of adrenaline that had erupted into your bloodstream at the prospect of him kissing you again suddenly reminded you of the decision you’d made earlier today, before all the alcohol and all the touching. You pressed a hand on his chest.

“Jaebum,” a desperate whisper left your lips. “N-no.”

He pulled back, confusion taking over his features. “No?”

You shook your head, your heart hurting with each step that you took in the opposite decision of what you’d truly wanted. But you knew you needed to do this. You’ve allowed your heart to make decisions for you long enough, it was about time you made decisions with your head.

“No,” you repeated. “I don’t think we should do this.”

“Y-you don’t?” Jaebum was obviously surprised to hear this, his eyes blinking in confusion before he leaned back in his seat, putting more distance between you and him. “Okay. Okay, then we won’t do anything.”

He looked like you’d slapped him across the face and you bit your lip, your heart now beyond ready to claw out of your chest. “It’s not because I don’t want to…”

He frowned, the familiar coldness returning to his eyes. He’d started to shut himself off from you again, yet he still asked, “why, then?”

“Because of what you’d said,” you replied, wishing for this conversation to be over before it even started, or, at least, wishing you weren’t sitting on his lap when you talked about this because, aside from not being able to think clearly when he was so close to you, the position also didn’t allow you both many opportunities to stand up and leave if all of this got too much.

Jaebum, however, despite being confused, didn’t share the same mindset and was not even planning on letting go of you until he understood what you were getting at. The rejection stung but if there was a chance he was still going to kiss you at the end of the night, he was willing to clear up everything you needed him to.

“What did I say?” he asked, a weird vibrating sound accompanying his question. It could have been a text message on one of your phones but neither of you cared about that right now.

“You said you don’t want a relationship,” you told him, your eyes not leaving his.

Jaebum didn’t seem to recollect the exact moment he’d told you this as his eyebrows furrowed deeper, so you took a breath – the first one since you sat down in this booth with him – and reminded him.

“That day at the ice cream store,” you said. “I asked you why you weren’t going to ask the waitress out and—”

“I remember,” he cut you off, then. His heart had started to race again as he realized that this might have been the reason why you looked so distant when the two of you had walked out of the store that day. “I didn’t mean to say I didn’t want a relationship.”

“What?” you didn’t get it. “You said you weren’t interested in dating.”

“I said I didn’t want to date anyone else,” he repeated before adding a very quick but very necessary, “that’s not you.”

It was only in passing that you’d considered misunderstanding him but now that he’s confirmed you’ve misinterpreted his words, it was very hard to swallow all of a sudden. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Clearing your throat, you tried to keep your eyes on his but his gaze had warmed up and the iciness you’d seen form inside of it before had melted now that you understood what had gone down between you two at the store.

“You clearly have problems expressing yourself,” you stated.

Jaebum was smirking as his eyes followed the movement of your lips when you spoke. “You’re clearly very dense.”

Silence followed when neither of you managed to find the next words, both too focused on each other to think about what to say. Although neither of you moved, the distance between you – that had grown so inexplicably large when you refused to let him kiss you – seemed to decrease with each breath that your neglected lungs produced.

“I’m going to die if I don’t kiss you,” Jaebum revealed, his entire heart hidden in these words.

You realized that you were anxious. The uncertainty wasn’t a problem before but now that you’ve stepped over the line and acknowledged what you’d been doing, you knew you couldn’t back away. You’ve thought you’d focus on his music but that wasn’t what Jaebum was doing, so you couldn’t wait to have this conversation anymore. Now was your only chance to escape the gloomy state of 'unknown.’

“I—” you started to say.

Jaebum shook his head; he was through with talking. “Tell me you don’t want me to.”

“I-I can’t tell you that,” you replied but the same concerned expression did not leave your features.

“Well, then what is it?” Jaebum asked, no longer afraid to sound desperate. “What do you need me to do? Do you need the label?”

“No, I—I don’t know,” you were breathing much faster now. “I don’t think we should keep kissing each other when we don’t really know what we’re doing.”

It felt good to bring your thoughts into being. It felt good to finally acknowledge it. But you hadn’t expected it to also feel terrifying as Jaebum spent one long moment, watching your eyes instead of replying.

“We’re going to kiss,” he said, then, “that’s what we’re going to be doing.”

“And after?”

“Well, kiss again, hopefully.”

You closed your eyes, the demanding tone of your voice matching the desperation in his. “But what does it mean?”

Jaebum was losing it. His oxygen supply was already short when you were this close and his craving for you was just wretched, at his point. It was tearing him apart at the seams; he’d never thought anticipation could ever be so strong.

“Does it have to mean something?” he asked, his voice exasperated.

“Yeah, actually,” you spoke. “But if it doesn’t mean anything to you, I—”

You’d looked away from him for the first time that night – thoughts of standing up and walking away slowly spreading to your mind – and that was enough for Jaebum to pull you closer to him until your eyes were on him and your chests were pressed against each other again, allowing your hearts to beat the same rhythm. He wasn’t going to let you leave.

“Fuck. No. It means everything to me. Okay?” Jaebum said, his chest rising each time yours fell and falling each time yours rose. “I’ll give you anything, any label you need, anything you need, I just—fuck.”

His face was so close to yours now, you could almost feel his lips brush against yours with each word that he spoke. You wondered if this was what hell felt like – having something you want right at the tip of your fingers but being forced to resist it.

“Jaebum—”

“Tell me to leave you alone and I’ll do it. Tell me what you want from me, and I’ll give you all of it,” he pleaded, “just… talk to me. Please tell me what you need.”

“I…” it only took you a second to find the words because there wasn’t much that you needed in that moment, or in general. “I need you.”

“Fuck,” Jaebum exhaled against your lips. “You already have me.”

And in a climax of your and his desperations mixing together, your lips finally touched. Your rapid breaths only seemed to grow heavier each time your lips connected in a frantic kiss, your hands holding onto each other as if one of you was going to disappear if the other had let go. As if one of you was going to pull away and say something else.

But there was nothing else that was left to say. Not in words, at least. So, you let your lips do the talking, his tongue transmitting all of his feelings for you as he tasted the inside of your mouth, nearly suffocating from his own longing. Kissing was supposed to put an end to your desperation, it was supposed to finally satisfy your need to have each other close, and yet it wasn’t enough. You were pressed against each other but it wasn’t close enough.

Every bit of your body that wasn’t touching his was screaming and even when you leaned into him harder, your bodies seemingly merging together, it still didn’t seem to be enough. Every time he pulled away just slightly to inhale, your mouth burned, aching to have his lips pressed against yours again.

Your movements were fluid – granted, you’ve had practice – and you never once interrupted each other by moving your hands the wrong way or clashing your teeth against each other. You kissed like you were reading each other’s minds and, as your tongues toyed with each other, only deepening the kiss, it truly felt like you were finally revealing your deepest secrets to each other. And they didn’t need to be spoken aloud anymore because now you’ve learned how to talk without using words.

You thought you’d been standing at the gates of hell when Jaebum’s lips were so close to yours and yet they weren’t touching you but now, as you kissed him back, you knew you’ve transcended every divine place and had created your own heaven in the back of Mark’s club, seated on Jaebum’s lap, his mouth on yours.

Suddenly, however, you felt him still against you as a loud tap was heard against the leather of the couch next to you.

“Nice going you two,” a familiar voice spoke up, and you and Jaebum pulled away from each other, exchanging a look and then turning your heads to catch Jackson’s grinning face. “You owe Kiera fifty bucks, by the way. She’d just told us about your bet.”

You couldn’t remember any bets. Actually, you could barely remember the existence of anything when your lips were still swollen from Jaebum’s kisses and his eyes, when you turned to look at him, possessed nothing but passion.

“Thanks,” Jaebum finally acknowledged his friend, clearing his throat. “Jackson.”

“I came to pick my phone up,” he added, leaning down to pick his phone up from the couch opposite yours – that explained the vibrating sound you’ve heard before – and then giving you another teasing grin. “Not that you’ll need me, but I’ll be by the bar. Have fun!”

Your face was in your hands by the tame Jackson left and Jaebum sighed, pulling your palms away from your cheeks.

“God,” you shook your head as soon as his hands gripped your wrists, not letting you hide your face from him. “We’re—”

“At a bar, yeah,” Jaebum nodded, permanently amused by your flustered state. “I’m really regretting not celebrating at our apartment.”

You exhaled slowly, letting your hands drop to your sides and watching his hands follow, a part of him always touching a part of you.

“Well,” you started, “we can always celebrate later.”

His breath hitched just for a moment. “Fuck. Yeah, we can.”

He leaned into you before you could react properly, his lips returning to the place they belonged – right between yours – in a slow but steady manner. You kissed him back – you always kissed him back – but, when you pulled away to inhale a moment later, you started to speak before he could prolong the kiss.

“Maybe we should slow down?” you said but it didn’t sound like a statement. You weren’t waiting for his approval, at that point; you were waiting for his permission because if he’d said no, you knew you would have done just about anything he wanted.

“Yeah,” Jaebum said, surprising you. “Maybe.”

“I don’t want to, though,” you added, biting your lip now. You didn’t want to stay away from him but, at the same time, you didn’t want the confessions of tonight to signify a gunshot, starting a mere sprint. You didn’t want this to be a sprint. You wanted this to be a marathon – one that you’d spend every day of your near future running. “But we live together.”

Jaebum nodded. “We do.”

“So, we should probably take it slow,” you decided.

“Yes,” he said, his responses lacking the vocabulary.

You smiled at that. “Are you just going to agree with everything I say?”

“Yes,” he admitted, shameless.

“Are you hoping that will allow you to kiss me again?”

“Absolutely.”

He closed the distance between you as soon as he heard you chuckle, but this time, he pulled away after one quick peck – a short reminder that this was something that he could do now.

“Are you still tired?” he asked.

Truthfully, you’ve never felt less tired in your life but you were able to recognize that this state was temporary. Once the high of kissing Jaebum would fade, you’d go right back to exhaustion.

“I don’t know,” you replied honestly.

“Should we go home?” he seemed to take the role of asking questions now.

You weren’t sure about that, either, though.

“I don’t want to. I like it here,” you told him, your hips pressed firmly against his as you returned your hands to his chest – the beating of his heart sounding just as hypnotizing as his voice in his first song had sounded. “Right here.”

“Oh, I like it right here, too,” Jaebum replied, a smile spreading across his face as his hands found their way around your waist again. “But I’d like it more if fewer people were involved.”

You agreed and yet you refrained from expressing your wish to leave because wanting Jaebum all for yourself seemed selfish on an occasion like this.

“It’s your night, though,” you said tentatively. “We’re celebrating your song.”

He wasn’t catching up. “What’s your point?”

“You can’t leave,” you said. “All these people—”

“I appreciate them coming,” Jaebum nodded, his eyes on you just like they had been from the moment he’d laid his eyes on you tonight. “But I only need you.”

The feelings that his words had provoked rushed to the surface before you could stop them and you were the one pressing a gentle, lingering kiss to his lips this time. You nearly collapsed when you felt his lips stretch into a smile as he responded to you.

“We should go socialize,” you said after pulling away. “Well, you should. I’m going to wash my face with some cold water.”

“Oh, no, no,” Jaebum disagreed, helping you relocate yourself from his lap onto the couch next to him. The cold that engulfed your bodies when you were no longer pressed against each other was so surprising, you felt goosebumps rise on your skin. “If I have to walk around, talking to people while that’s the last thing I want to do, you’re doing the same.”

“They’re your friends,” you reminded him.

“And I love them,” he nodded, standing up and helping you stand with him by holding your hand. “And I know they’ll understand so I’m going to be embracing my egotistic side tonight. It is my night, after all.”

“Hmm,” you were curious. “And what is that supposed to imply?”

“It’s supposed to imply that I might find myself in the bathroom of the bar in the next few minutes,” he replied, “and I’m not going to feel bad about it.”

You loved the mischievous glint in his eye. “And what are you planning on doing in that bathroom?”

“Oh, you’ll know,” Jaebum replied, his lips by your ear as he guided you out of the booth, “because you’ll be right there with me.”

chapter directory

#got7 #got7 jaebum #got7 jb #im jaebum #jaebum #im jaebeom #got7 reactions #fanfiction #got7 imagines #got7 scenarios #got7 fanfic #roommate au #enemies to lovers au #got7 x reader #im jaebum fanfiction #im jaebum fanfic #holic #got7 smut #im jaebum smut

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