#just realized we’ve been stuck in this pandemic for the longest

[dont-end-infinity]

i’ve been going to school with this girl for around seven years. we’ve been kinda friendly ever since she moved here, had inside jokes and were in several of the same classes one year. for the longest time she’s always been a sort of background character to me, but definitely a background character that stuck out. she’s friends with my cousin, has been for years. we sort of lost touch when the pandemic happened, so i wasn’t able to talk to her for a while. but last year she was in two of my classes, my math class and my band class. she’d caught my interest again because i liked the hoodies she wore, and because she always had a rubik’s cube or some sort of fidget toy with her everywhere i went. i’d formed some sort of half-crush on her which faded when i found out she had a girlfriend. i was always too afraid to talk directly to her so it was always in group discussions via our mutual friends that we talked (she’d sometimes come over to our lunch table and talk to us). this year though, she’s in all of my classes except one (we’re in advanced classes with a small group of kids, so we all have extremely similar schedules). i walked into the classroom the first day and realized i’d be sitting next to her in the mornings, which was good because i didn’t know anyone else in that class. we started talking because we were both in the same friend group, and were both worried about a friend that had been struggling mentally. and so talking about them and asking if they were okay (she was much closer to them than i was) turned into me asking if /she/ was okay. she’s constantly claim she was just tired, which i knew wasn’t true. so as we got closer i asked if she really was just tired every morning. she told me that she hadn’t been sleeping right and that she wasn’t drinking enough water, and that she had also been struggling mentally. so i talked to her about it and told her how amazing i thought she was and how i thought she deserved everything she wanted. eventually i got her to start sleeping right and drinking water. she never had a water bottle with her so i’d always give her mine and resort to drinking from the fountains. 

one day i was doing a sort of survey where i would document my friend’s reactions to me doing something to them. it was the same thing to everyone- i’d ask to compare hand sizes, and when i pretended to be looking closer, i’d shift my fingers to intertwine with theirs. basically holding their hand. so i did that to her too. she wasn’t prepared for that, because i watched the way her eyes got a little wider and her other hand tensed slightly (a thing she does when she’s nervous). this was at the end of the day so i walked away to go home. she went the other way. i get home and check my phone and she texted me, “frick you <3” and went on to explain how she’s easily flustered and i caught her reaaally off guard. but she liked it- she said she liked how warm my hands were. (i loved how warm her hands were too- i just didn’t tell her that.) so i started doing it to her more often. at some point we started holding hands normally, which was comforting for both of us. we talked a bit and both clarified it was a platonic thing, we didn’t like each other. except i was lying. i didn’t *know* i was lying, i hate lying to her. but since we both were labelling it platonic, we started doing other things too. like i kissed her hand one time, and the way she reacted was just so cute. she pulled away from me and walked away, something she does when she’s flustered, smiling like crazy and trying to cover her face. later she would do the same thing to me, which led to me not being able to focus for a whole class. 

i started writing notes to her talking about how much i “platonically” loved her, how cute i thought she was. and in said notes asked permission to do other things. in one note i asked if i was allowed to kiss her neck. she ended up saying yes. so i wait a while, introduce a new thing. i would do the hand sizes thing and then pin her hand by her head. she liked it, and it flustered her pretty bad the first few times. then one day i do the same thing, but i kiss her cheek, and then her neck. and she just kind of looked stunned for a minute before she covered her face again and started smiling so stupidly. and that was adorable. but it got 10x better when she tried to talk and it was just, like.. this *noise* that almost sounded like a whimper but not quite. i’ve yet to kiss her neck again, but i want to soon. a few nights later, we’re texting, and the topic of crushes comes up. (at this point i was fairly certain i liked her.) so we’re both, like, describing who we like. just a few basic things. grade, hair color, gender. (we’re both pan.) and we get to the point where i asked for the first letter of their name. and she told me she’d only tell me if i told her too. so we both say it at the same time. she says a letter that’s not my initial. and i was half disappointed, but wasn’t letting that change my answer. because she needed to know. so, half reluctantly, i say “n”, which is her initial. long story short we sort it out. she liked two people, me and someone else. i liked her. so the following monday we do a note exchange like usual. and at the end of hers she asks if i’ll date her. i say yes. and we’ve been together for around a week now, a week or two. school used to feel like hell to me. but now? now i get to go to school and see her, be near her, hold her hand and kiss her face. i’d been feeling so fake, but then she made me feel so much better. so much more alive. the first time she kissed me- also the first time i kissed anyone- it just felt so right. it was quick but i could taste her chapstick for at least half an hour afterwards. she just.. grabbed my face and kissed me. and she’s kissed me almost every day since that first time. two days ago though, that was the first time she really held the kiss for more than just a second. i think it was like five seconds? but she clouded up my mind so much. i don’t remember if she grabbed my face or pinned me to the wall or what, but it just felt so amazing. i could fully take in just like, how warm her lips were, and how soft they were too. i just want her to do it again but i have to wait to see her another two days. the wait is killing me. but she makes me feel so good i know it’s worth it. i love her so much, she makes me feel so stupid. she’s perfect to me. 

#long reads #love #crush #guys i love her so much #she is so cute #not to mention literally saved my life

[tyyrants]

Wait are we 2 days left to the 500th day anniversary of Van’s disappearance 😭😭

#how does time pass so fast #just realized we’ve been stuck in this pandemic for the longest #van mccann #catfish and the bottlemen #rambles