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ladyshipwildrose · 5 years

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When you lose small mind, you free your life.

26.01 - 05.03

Two months ago.... everything changed since then.

I am sitting in my room while listening to this song with my headphones. I guess you are about to say “Hey girl, are you not too crazy for System of a Down? Look, you even named herself after Serj Tankian!”...

*Sits with crossed legs*

Come on, guys! Are you serious? I guess you don’t know me... But back to the topic I guess I am going back to run this blog, as I said I will run it in Italian when I am talking about my stories but in English when everything is going to be personal. I guess today I will write more...

Between January and today everything got totally changed especially on this day: January 26th. It was a pretty sad day I guess. I was surely happy to going to Gefrierbrand concert with Ninian, Daniel, Chris, Max etc... I thought I could be happy, y’know? Great bands, I really loved Dark Zodiak that day. Simone was a great woman and a truly sweetheart.

At least I had fun on this day, right?... I don’t think so.

I never liked Ninian’s companions. Most of them were really mean to me... But I was blind. For an entire year and seven months, Ninian didn’t treat me good. He was always accusing me, mind abusing me, making me feeling I am always wrong that I cry just for attention, that I exagerate and I am just mentally ill. I was just a dog who walked with an electric collar around the neck. I was just the lioness abused in a punk and junkies circus. I was mentally abused the whole time but at the same time I was blind, I smiled the whole time... Even when left me into the streets in the middle of the night. The streets in the city where I live are very dangerous, especially next to the train station when you can easily be victim of rape, especially as woman. Do y’all think is it right? And I still loved him even if he left me into the streets and letting me walking home alone. I loved him even if he was always insulting me and making me feeling like nothing. Was I maybe such a masochist? O just blind? He never showed interest on what I do, when I do music, when I write my poetries or my stories.

Back in that night, wherever I walked I always told him where I am going. I finally met Lucio from The Italian Way (Check them out), I met Michi and her husband Matthias, I met the Gefrierbrand with their girlfriends and wives (Yannick is a forever alone). And wherever I went I always told Ninian. I talked to a “friend” of his, of course Gefrierbrand started play and I told him I was going inside to watching the band and I ran inside. During the concert I didn’t saw him. I asked Chris, I asked Daniel, I asked Max... But this last asshole was wasted as fuck. When I saw Ninian I told him that I was worried about him. He told me he cannot do whatever he wants because of my clingy behaviour... Maybe did I something wrong, again? Maybe... But I was just worried. He was pissed off and I started to hurt my arms and bite them having a panic attack. He was pissed off and cold. When the concert ended I helped and I hugged Yannick, he is a friend of mine I guess? But he came to me: “I am going home” “Hey take me with you with auto!” what Ninian told me that night? “There is no place for you in the car. Just walk alone at home.” I was broken when he went away. I just remember Yannick’s shocked face and trust me I still remember his words “You are a sweet and smart woman. You deserve better.” not just him... Even Mrs. Argast (his mother) and Bibi (Tom’s girlfriend). I remember how I cried that night, I almost died during that night.

Before I went away I did a photo with Simone from Dark Zodiak. Here you can see how I felt in that moment: happy that I have at least a photo but in my eyes I was devasted about what Ninian did that night and about what Yannick told me. I asked myself “Is he right about it?” I was awake till 3 AM, listening to the music I love and wiping my tears. I just have to do it.

That morning I broke up. I finally break free from that abusive relationship and told myself that it’s time to really rebirthing and not how I told here a month ago. Yes, Yeva was born... But not at all. I remeber he started to turn himself in the victim trying again to abusing of my mind with words like “Are you no thinking about what I did for you? I bought you everything. I did everything for you... And now you put our love into trash, again?” if I think about this now I laugh my fucking ass off. If you call that love... I call that an abusive relationship.

I passed the other half of january and the first half of february alone. I think that during Valentine’s Day time it just happened a... miracle? I thought miracle were just on Christmas time. I had some panic attacks on that time sometimes just suicide thoughts (You don’t say, Yeva.) but that week before Valentine’s Day something happened.

I remember I sended too much friend request on my facebook account because of a group of alternative, punks, metalheads, gothic people etc... I forgot to see my friendship list where I found a guy dressed like a ‘80 rockstar. Just like he got out from a Steel Panther’s concert or just came in 2019 with a fucking time maschine like Back to the Future.

*Back to the future intensifies*

Tim. Yes, he is 8 years older than me! We started to chatting, we talked the whole week day and night. We did some videocalls through Skype, he lives just one hour from me, more and less. We decided to go on a date in a resturant here where I live. We already fell in love with each other during that week. I remember when he came home really elegant with 10 roses and red wine. I was surprisedY’know readers, we understand each other really good. He treats me like a queen, he listens to me, he is by my side and he makes me feel sure about everything that I don’t have to be afraid. On those last week I confess I cried, because NOBODY treated me like this. Sometimes I am afraid that I don’t deserve it, that I don’t deserve all this attention and love. I have been at his home last weekend and it felt so good by his side. I love sleeping in his arms, he told me that he cuddled me while I was sleeping for two hours. He caress me and takes my hand everytime, even when we are in the auto.

I met his group of friends: Jessi, Laura, Lilli, Miki, Ronnie, Uwe (an half german and half filipino mad for Tobias Sammet), Domi and the list goes on... They make me feel like home. I felt for a moment like that they will not like me, maybe because of my age. But I felt like home, really like home. I had fun and especially in the middle of the night we had some time for us. I didn’t drink much but I felt alive and I had too much fun with them.

Meeting his family last week was like playing chess. They were really cool with me and his mom likes me. I smile if I think about my boyfriend when he came to the bed and he told me everything his mom told him about me. I felt like home. Is this a new start? At least I can say yes.

We did each other some surprises but he did the biggest one... I remember once we talked about buying things online and he knew about that I have Serj’s book “Cool Gardens” and I had the luck to having it with his autograph but that I miss his second book “Glaring Through Oblivion” I remember when he told me to close my eyes and put the book into my legs. I was surprised and about to cry for a moment. I was surprised about it. I read always before bed while wearing his Immortal t-shirt (2-3 sizes bigger).

Beside this, knowing what his ex did to him I promised myself to protect him and if here comes the time that his ex comes back surely I will kick her ass. Beside the bitch, I am rebirthing, but still not complete. It misses something...

Getting out from those fascist home. Pull more toxic people who thinks I am stupid or that I don’t know nothing or that I am stupid. Just one more year and if everything is going well (Sure it will) I will born again and telling myself that I am free. But every weekends I am already free while lying in his arms. Because his arms are already my home.

Two crazy months I guess...

My life is going on a good way. I still in my bed listening to the music I love, thinking about the man I love and now I know that world is less bastard.

And you know what? In a week Goodbye Monsters have their very first gig! I can’t fucking wait.

SUGAR!

Yeva Tankian

#system of a down #diary #borderline personality disorder #personal blog #strenght #abusive relationship #toxic people #new relationship #boyfriend #serj tankian #daron malakian #shavo odadjian #john dolmayan #dark zodiak #gefrierbrand #books #support your local band

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gntravelbuskers-blog · 7 years

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Day 4: 🤘🏻System Of A Down🤘🏻

System of a Down! Early morning in Paris 7AM after packing the night before at 2AM to manage to get to Lille in time for the festival. We decided to squeeze in a video shoot on the rooftop, to thank our hosts in Paris and & do a little promotion video with Gabriel's song 'Helium'. Somehow our amazing host Silvie got up before 7 AM and got us a croissant already. After shooting the video we took a short metro to where our blablacar driver Anass (French name) was picking us up. For those of you who don't know what blablacar is it's an amazing service which is basically like planned hitchhiking: someone is going somewhere in their car alone, they post it on the app and you request a seat in their car - you contribute for the gas and usually get really good company! It's very affordable and very reliable has a rating system - recommended! He came to pick us up with another blabla customer named Aela in a f***ing BMW believe it or not?! It was so comfortable! We hit it off instantly and sang some songs for them in the car, check out the video :). After a very nice ride we arrived at Lille's central station. We took a short metro to our CouchSurfing host... For those of you who don't know what couchsurfing is: it's an amazing amazing online and offline community which just hosts people all over the world in their houses usually on couches but sometimes more! and they're just the nicest and most open-minded people! always full of stories and it's just a wonderful way to meet locals and meet cultures and if you believe in humanity you should check it out . Our host is an awesome amazing super host name Kathy 57 yrs old sweet French woman (language teacher). We arrive at her house and she has cooked for us an amazing vegetarian meal because she wasn't sure if we can eat meat or not it... was absolutely delicious . Her house is also amazing, A bit like a sweet museum even though she said it wasn't... every single corner of the house is full of relics and small artifacts from a gazillion million different countries each one of them more interesting than the other... We had a short 30 minute nap before our next blablacar arrived, his name was William, French guy who was also going to the festival. Did not speak much English was a bit dry and stern at start, but once we got into the car and we put System of a Down at full volume and just headbanged for 40minutes even with traffic we became very good friends very quickly. We stopped at a gas station bought food and booze. We also bypassed our last square which is very beautiful Flemishcolorful building with loads of arcs we nearly had Belgian fries but we were in a bit of rush Maybe next time. Right before walking to the festival as we were drinking and just watching everybody walking in... We saw a guy with a guitar and since we left our guitars with our CouchSurfing hosts we asked him if we could play and we played some system songs that we learned in advance before embarking on the trip. Check out the video! Finally we arrived at the festival MainSquare which was held in an old fortress. It was very impressive to walk through the gate and under the arcs. everybody was in such a good mood and it was perfect weather too... We listened to a few bands: powerful band called No Face was performing on the smaller stage (A huge stage too) and the whole band except from the lead singer performed with black masks with a white X. Also half the audience had masks like that that were obviously a give away for free...very very good branding very good performance. The next really good band was Biffy Clyro which the main singer really looks like an old George Berry (shout out) Finally System Of A Down time! We made it very very front center (10th row) between 50,000 other excited fans we made some friends ... But as soon as the music started, everybody went mental in the crowd and the pogo started everybody was just flying everywhere and shouting and screaming and it was just unbelievable beautiful chaos, we just couldn't hear the music enough so we decided to move bit out of the chaos and we were on the side right next to the speakers shouting our brains off was euphoria! One of the things that made us very happy was the Serj the lead singer seemed to be really in a good state because we heard a few of the gigs in the recent years and he wasn't so good but in this gig he kicked some ass and it was truly unforgettable. For Gabriel it was the first time seeing them live and it was truly a dream come true. After system finished (we never wanted it to stop) the next gig was this amazing DJ called Vitalic just watch the videos... After the festival we met again with William the blablacar guy but by that point we were such good friends, he just gave us a ride back home for free. Finally made it back to the house...shower...the end of day 4. SYSTEM OF A DOWN good night 🙂

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thisisheathwriting · 7 years

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ten high school albums

I know this happened over a month ago. I didn’t get around to it for whatever reason. My musical taste in high school was kind all over (it still is), but it was mostly embarrassing. Like my existence.

1)System of a Down-Toxicity

Serj Tarkanian is the first person who ever mentioned mandatory minimum sentencing to my ears in Toxicity’s book-report opener “Prison Song”.

2)N.E.R.D.-Fly or Die

In Search Of..., made with the Minnesota band Spymob, is generally held in higher regard. At the time, I was living in Tennessee and needed something to reconnect with home. The Neptunes (and Shay) were the answer.

3)Outkast-Speakerboxxx/The Love Below

Again, 10th grade. I needed to escape somewhere, and here it was. I found myself feeling a bit more like Andre 3000 than Big Boi.

4)Funeral For A Friend-Casually Dressed and Deep in Conversation

Something happened during the year I left Virginia: all the kids got into post-hardcore and screamo. I picked up on random band names, and found myself attached to Funeral For A Friend. I listened to this one SO MANY TIMES on my discman.

5)Senses Fail-Let It Enfold You

Senses Fail are going on a reunion tour for the 10th anniversary of their album Still Searching. I don’t know why they would do this, as Let It Enfold You is *the* album from this band.

6)Guided By Voices-Human Amusements at Hourly Rates

In one of the NCAA Football games, I’m not sure which one, they added a “college radio” soundtrack. It had bands like Ned’s Atomic Dustbin, The Mr. T Experience, and GBV. At the same time, Austin City Limits had a concert with a “retiring” Bob Pollard and GBV. Between the two of these occurrences, I fell in love with GBV. Human Amusements is a nice little “singles” collection (though it doesn’t have “Do the Earth”) which is a great sampler.

7) Pixies-Wave of Mutilation: Best of Pixies

I read a lot more music than I ever had the chance to hear or buy in high school. SPIN was my publication of choice, and I would see bands like The Smiths and Pixies come back over and over again. I didn’t realize it but I was familiar with two Pixies songs from the local alt-rock station: “Here Comes Your Man” and “Debaser”. I got this from the Navy Exchange and played it a lot, I also went to one of their “12 Final Shows” in 2004. The opening band was The Datsuns! A friend of mine bought the CD for me a few years later, I think for my birthday.

8) M.I.A.-Arular

I had an iPod. They were still kind of new in the mid-00s, and mine was the first classic generation without a click wheel. I loved the thing, and had to figure out which albums to buy. I decided on a few, including Arular. I played that album over and over and over, and the beats and chorus of “Sun Showers” and “U.R.A.Q.T.” continue to stick in my head.

9) Kanye West-The College Dropout

I first saw Napster at someone else’s house, these people who would babysit me I think? They were friends of my dad’s third wife and they had a computer and the p2p service. I didn’t know anything about Napster until Lars Ulrich made a big deal about it, because Internet service was still somewhat limited at the time. After a while, I finally had the Internet and knew a bevy of different file-sharing services. While they kicked off in the late 90s, they really came into bloom in the mid-00s. I was familiar with Kanye from seeing him on TV in this weird MTV rapper competition and reading about him. “Through the Wire” came on one day, and I completely loved it, especially when I got to hear it in on the radio. A year or so later, I had the chance to listen to the album. I don’t know why I never bought it. In the whole rank-your-favorite-Ye-albums things, I think it might still be my favorite. My Dark Beautiful Twisted Fantasy is Yeezy’s masterpiece, his best work, his thesis statement. The College Dropout is one of those nostalgia pieces, and another one in a long line of debut rap albums which create a lot of need.

10) My Chemical Romance-Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge

I have no idea if this is supposed to be embarrassing. MCR is a band I really liked, and then sort of stopped listening to in college. While Three Cheers came out in high school, The Black Parade came out in my freshman year of college. I think there’s some light symbolism involved here, but nothing too ridiculous. MCR was a band that went beyond being a favorite; they inspired to me write a concept album. In retrospect, those lyrics were garbage. I was a high school junior who was mostly introverted and who cared more about projecting an image than being myself, so I think it’s expected. I am not sure why I attached on to MCR, either. I thought it was just popular enough to be cool, but not *that* popular. I mean, this was around the time of the “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” video, but it was before the “Helena” video. I don’t think it really matters, it’s a band. At least I had fun.

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