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#just came out as trans to my parents that was the most stressful experience of my life
silvfyre-writings · 7 months
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I love you for you (BSD Fanfic)
Soooooo, hiiiii. Welcome to a fic I have been sitting on for a while now because I wasn't sure on whether to post it or not. But then I shared it with a friend and they enjoyed it, which gave me the confidence to post it (thank you friend <3). Even as I'm writing this, I am nervous and unsure, but I'm pushing through to just share something relatable for all the period buddies out there that suffer when shark week/mother nature/monthlies comes around.
Now, I am not trans, but I am non-binary, so idk, I have some idea of the process of transitioning because I got asked all the questions when I started my top surgery process, so Ranpo's experience is based upon that mostly. Ranpo's feelings on the other hand, are entirely based upon my own experiences, so any negativity can be taken right back out the door, thank you.
But yes, anyways, enjoy some ranpoe comfort!
Cramps were a bitch.
This was something that Ranpo had long since learnt, long before he’d started his transition, and long before he’d found himself living with Fukuzawa. The moment he’d first woken up with bloodstained sheets when he was eleven years old, he’d known exactly what was happening and hated it, but the blood was the easy part to deal with. What wasn’t easy were the agonizing cramps that came with his periods; constant waves of pain that spread through his entire body, sapping his strength and his sanity. Aside from the dysphoria that always came along on that first day—because periods did nothing but remind him of what he was not—the issues surrounding his gender identity always faded into the background whenever the cramps came along. He was just in too much pain to focus on anything else at the time. And because he’d grown up in a small village with his parents, where his neighbours still insisted on calling him she, there wasn’t much to do but curl up into a ball and hope for the best.
But then his parents had died, and he’d left everything he’d ever known behind to go to Yokohama. What for, he wasn’t exactly sure, but all he knew was that a friend of his father’s resided in the big city and that was all he needed to know.
Going to Yokohama had been both the best and worst part of his life; the best because he could finally introduce himself as who he felt he truly was without anyone questioning him so long as he flattened his chest and wore masculine clothing, but also the worst because he no longer had easy access to the products that those of his birth gender needed whenever his periods came along. His only consolation was that the uniform of the police academy was black, and that the principal—the friend of his father—knew about his situation, so the man had been kind enough to supply him with what he needed, when he’d needed them.
But then he’d wound up on the streets after getting kicked out, and the next months were actual hell.
Ranpo had grown quite adept at sneaking down to the river in the early hours of the morning in order to wash his clothes whenever his period snuck up on him—he always tried his best to track it like he’d been taught to by his mother, but when you lived on the streets, you didn’t tend to remember what the date was. It also didn’t help that the stress of his living situation made it impossible to predict when it would even happen in the first place; most of the time, Ranpo would wake up with bloodstained thighs and stiff clothing, and that was how he knew his period had started. He’d also become pretty good at stealing, as much as it pained him to do so in the first place, but he really needed the supplies, so it wasn’t like he had any other choice. Not unless he wanted to bleed through his clothes every time. And it was simple, really; all he had to do was find a store filled with people, wander the aisles for a while, sneak what he needed into his satchel, wander about some more before finally leaving with his hands hanging by his side and a determined look.
It worked every time.
But he still felt like the worst person on earth when he had to do it.
And then he met Fukuzawa, and Ranpo found his entire world thrown into turmoil, with everything he thought he knew, tossed around like a tornado had just come through his mind. In less than a day, Fukuzawa had given him a roof over his head, as much food as he wanted, whenever he wanted, and also a job. But there’d been something else that he’d given Ranpo, something truly important; pure acceptance. Ranpo had almost panicked, when his period first made its appearance, and Fukuzawa had caught him in the dead of the night, washing bloodstained sheets in the bathtub. They had stared at each other for some time, but instead of scolding, or judging him, Fukuzawa had helped him wash his sheets, and told him to take a shower before disappearing for some time. He’d spent the entire time in the shower terrified and stressed, waiting to be accused of being a liar about who he truly was, or that he was a freak of nature, but none of that happened; Fukuzawa simply returned, placed a packet of pads on the bathroom counter, along with some painkillers, and then left like nothing had happened.
Ranpo had spent the rest of the night confused, and rightfully so, because no one in his life had ever just… accepted him as he was without asking questions.
Of course, the next day had brought about the most awkward conversation of Ranpo’s life, because he’d never been particularly comfortable about talking about himself, but… in the end it had turned out well. He and Fukuzawa had spoken at length about what Ranpo was going through, his identity, his feelings, the way his body was changing, all things that Ranpo knew, but also hadn’t, because his mother had taught him like he’d been a girl, and not the boy that he was. But then Fukuzawa had gone on to tell Ranpo about options he’d never heard of, and how to obtain some of those options. Ranpo had been stunned; it was one thing to put on masculine clothing and tell everyone he was a boy when his body physically told everyone he was not, but to learn that he could actually change that, actually become who it was that he wanted to be, and finally be comfortable in his own skin, it was hard not to be excited.
So, Fukuzawa had found a doctor for him—after many tears of relief and joy had been shed—one that had worked with people like Ranpo before and knew how to talk to him, and Ranpo’s transition begun. It had been a long and confusing process; there’d been a lot of things that Ranpo hadn’t known about or hadn’t quite understood, and there were also a lot of roadblocks and speedbumps that he’d needed to navigate around. Because he was underweight at the time, he’d needed to put on some weight before the doctor felt comfortable prescribing Ranpo any kind of medication, and that had been a battle, because Ranpo and food had never been friends, and there’d been many a night where he’d lain in Fukuzawa’s arms, crying, because he couldn’t finish the dinner that’d been cooked for him.
But he’d done it, the changes to his body brought about by puberty were slowed from the blockers he was allowed to take.
The next roadblock had been his chest, because he had to be an adult for anyone to even consider removing the two lumps of fat on his chest, and, well, Ranpo had naturally had a breakdown over it. It truly felt like the world had been against him in that moment, because so far, nothing had gone smoothly, and having his journey be delayed for years had been the final nail in the coffin. Sure, there were binders, and Fukuzawa had kindly bought him some after they’d been told the news, but it hadn’t stopped his mental health from crashing and sending him into depression.
He would forever be grateful to Fukuzawa, who had continued to love and support Ranpo, even in his darkest moments, throughout the years until he’d turned twenty and finally been allowed to pursue surgery.
And for the first time since he was a child, Ranpo finally felt that he could be himself.
“Nngh.” Ranpo groaned as he, once again, changed positions in the bed because of the agonizing pain that was rippling across his abdomen, just like it had been for the past hour. He’d gone to bed early that day, well before his usual time after feeling off for the entire day, only to wake up after a measly hour of sleep, with his body aching and his stomach metaphorically stabbing itself. It’d been so painful that all he could do was curl up into a ball and do his best not to disturb the other occupant of the bed. He’d long given up any attempt at getting anymore sleep; now he only wanted to find that one position that would bring him the relief he was after. But so far, he’d had no luck, and he was starting to give up on ever finding it.
One would think, after being on puberty blockers, and later, testosterone, for so many years, that he would finally be free from the jaws of periods and the god awful cramps that came with them, but no, he wasn’t that lucky it seemed. They didn’t happen often, usually only two or three times a year, and never for more than three days, but they always seemed to hurt so much more than he remembered; almost as if his body was mad that he had rejected it and changed it into what he wanted.
But that wasn’t the point.
The point was, Ranpo was in pain because his internal organs were currently attempting to murder him, and he wanted to do nothing but curl up into a ball and cry. Because pain and hormones. But he couldn’t, because he had an insomniac for a boyfriend that was currently in the bed with him, finally sleeping peacefully and Ranpo wasn’t going to be the reason that Poe didn’t get any sleep that night. He was amazed though, that he hadn’t woken Poe up yet since Poe was usually the worlds lightest sleeper—seriously, Ranpo had shut the door behind him once a little harder than normal and that had woken Poe up—but that was just further testament to how little Poe had been sleeping.
But yes, keeping still usually helped to ease the cramping, but this time it was doing nothing, and no amount of tossing and turning seemed to fix it.
At this point, the sun would rise before Ranpo could find a comfortable position.
He let out another groan as a wave of sharp, shooting pain washed over him, spreading from his abdomen out towards his back, his hips, and even his elbows—which really, should not be allowed in such a situation as this, because it was just so unfair—and he couldn’t stop himself from curling into a tight ball this time, a whimper escaping him before he could stop it, tears pricking at the corner of his eyes.
“Ranpo-kun?” Poe’s sleepy voice echoed through the night, and Ranpo froze where he lay, breathing slowly to try and convince his partner he was actually asleep. But then his emotions betrayed him and a quiet sob escaped him. He felt the bed dip as Poe shifted, and an arm came to drape itself over his waist, and Ranpo let out a relieved sigh, the heat of Poe’s skin against his own so, so welcome, and he didn’t want it to leave. He felt Poe bury his nose into the back of Ranpo’s neck. “What’s wrong?”
And even though he knew that Poe wouldn’t believe him, especially since the man had been worried when Ranpo had announced he was going to bed early, he was still going to try and placate Poe into trying to get some more sleep; his partner had had only a few hours of sleep over the last few days, and Ranpo refused to be the reason that Poe didn’t get a good night’s sleep. “I’m fine.”
He felt Poe frown against his skin. “Sorry, love, but I don’t believe you. You’ve been restless for some time now.”
“Oh… I didn’t—” Ranpo swallowed, stress stopping his words from coming. “I didn’t mean to wake you. Sorry.”
“No need to apologize, Ranpo-kun. I’ve been on and off sleeping for a little bit now.” Poe soothed, kissing the back of Ranpo’s neck. Ranpo sighed and uncurled from his ball a little, slowly as to not aggravate his angry organs that had finally calmed down a little. He wanted to roll over so that he could talk to Poe face to face like he preferred, but he didn’t dare move, just in case it made things worse.
“Is everything alright, my dear?” Poe asked, and when Ranpo didn’t respond, he shuffled closer, slotting his legs between Ranpo’s own, and spreading his hand across his stomach in order to pull Ranpo close to him, and Ranpo could’ve cried from how nice it felt. The warmth of Poe’s palm was in just the right spot to chase away a little bit of the ache, and just the feeling of Poe holding him flush against his own skin was enough for Ranpo to be able to focus less on the pain, and more on other things—like Poe’s beating heart against his back. It was comfortable and it made him feel loved, and Ranpo never wanted it to end; he wished he could always be held like this by Poe, because it was just… perfect.
Ranpo closed his eyes, the vestiges of sleep that had eluded him for hours now, creeping back towards him and offering the sweet release of sleep, when he felt Poe stiffen, and that hand against his stomach stray in the direction of their legs and oh god, he’d forgotten about the bleeding part of periods. He stiffened, but for an entirely different reason, one that was familiar and unwanted; fear. He’d never told Poe about himself, had never needed to, and had most certainly never expected to. Until now.
“Ranpo-kun, you’re bleeding.”
“I’m sorry.” Was all that Ranpo said, his voice shaky as he croaked out the words, because what else could he say when he’d just bled all over himself and Poe’s sheets, and potentially Poe himself? Nothing, that’s what. All he could do was apologize and pray that Poe wouldn’t be mad at him. But he would understand if Poe was mad.
Poe sucked in a breath the moment Ranpo apologized, and he found the warmth fading as Poe pulled away and climbed out of bed, and Ranpo, forgetting about his pain momentarily, frantically reached out for Poe as he realized just what it was his partner was planning to do. But he wasn’t fast enough, and Ranpo quickly hid under the blankets as light bathed the room. Ranpo listened closely, as no sound came from Poe until his partner finally began to move about the room, even leaving it for a few minutes, and he had to wonder just what it was that his partner was doing. It didn’t take all that long for his curiosity to overcome his shame, and he poked his head out just as Poe sat on the bed again, and their eyes met.
“Oh.” Poe said, surprised; his eyes were visible for once, his bangs pinned to the side by a hairclip that Poe had clearly forgotten to remove before crawling into bed. The writer smiled—one of those gentle ones that promised comfort and kindness—and he held a box out towards Ranpo. A box of pads. Ranpo stared at the box for a moment, suddenly reminded of a time long ago when he’d been a teenager, before he took them. Poe stood and threaded his fingers through Ranpo’s messy hair, eyes just gazing upon him softly. “I got in the habit of keeping some on hand because of Lucy and Louisa.”
It was Ranpo’s turn to be surprised. “Oh.”
“I have some painkillers as well, and although I use them for migraines mostly, I think they’ll work for cramps, but I’ll double check the box just to make sure.” Poe continued to say as he began to tug the sheets free from Ranpo’s grasp. “I’ll get those for you, and change the sheets if you want to take a shower?”
It’s an out, and one that Ranpo was going to take, so he nodded and crawled out of bed, hunched over slightly as he raced to the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. His eyes stung as he stripped, throwing his soiled clothing into the corner of the room and turned the shower on as hot as it would go—considering Poe was rich and could afford the best, it was hot—and then collapsed against the shower floor, sobbing into his knees, his emotions getting the better of him even though nothing bad had actually happened. Poe hadn’t judged him, hadn’t asked him questions, or even told him to leave; all Poe had done was help, and here Ranpo was, repaying him by crying on the floor of his shower.
Another reason he hated when this happened. He just became so damn emotional.
The door to the shower opened after a few minutes and Ranpo watched as Poe entered with a fresh pair of clothes in his arms. Poe himself, was wearing just a pair of boxers, and his hair was damp; he must’ve taken a quick shower in the other bathroom, and Ranpo was honestly tempted to ask his partner to join him, if only for the comfort it would bring. But he didn’t, and watched as Poe placed the clothes on the edge of the sink and left, the door clicking shut behind him, and leaving Ranpo alone. Yet, despite being on his own, Poe’s actions left Ranpo feeling loved, and his tears began to slow, but he didn’t get out of the shower until his skin was red and burning.
The clothes that Poe had lent him were his own, soft, and rich, but massive on Ranpo’s own frame, yet very much appreciated all the same. He always liked stealing Poe’s clothes whenever he was at the writer’s home, because Poe had an abundance of soft clothing he’d collected in his time with the Guild, clothing that Ranpo intended to put to good use. Underneath the clothes, a box of painkillers lay, and Ranpo took two before he left the bathroom and made his way back to bed where the old sheets had been replaced with new, fresh ones.
Poe didn’t say anything as his eyes looked over Ranpo, but his brow furrowed when he saw Ranpo’s red and puffy eyes. Poe lifted the blankets and patted the space next to him. “Come here.”
Ranpo didn’t hesitate to crawl underneath the covers, and began to tear up once again as Poe pulled him close, giving him all the warmth and comfort he could possibly want, in just a single embrace. “I’m sorry.” He apologized again, despite not knowing what it was that he was even trying to apologize for.
And as it seemed, neither could Poe. “Whatever for, love?”
Ranpo sniffed, and hid his face into Poe’s bare chest, even though he knew it would make it obvious that he was crying again—as if it wasn’t already obvious. It wasn’t like he was a silent crier. “I don’t know. Bleeding all over everything? Lying to you? Waking you up?”
Poe hummed, and tucked Ranpo’s head under his chin, a hand slowly running itself up and down Ranpo’s back. “You don’t need to apologize for those. Sheets can be washed after all. You never lied to me—”
“I did.”
“You did not.” Poe’s other hand moved to grab at Ranpo’s, giving it a squeeze. “And as for my sleep, well, I’ve never slept particularly well, love. You know that. If anything, sleeping with you helps me sleep better.”
“I don’t understand.” Ranpo hunched in on himself as best he could with Poe’s arms around him, tears running down his cheeks. “How can you just… accept this?”
Poe hummed again, and a thumb wiped away the tears on his face. “I think this is a conversation best had when you aren’t feeling so overwhelmed, my dear. But if it helps you feel even the tiniest bit better, why wouldn’t I accept it? I love you for you, Ranpo-kun, and that’s that. Even if you bleed and cry from the cramps, I still love you.”
Those words caused Ranpo to cry even more, although he’s smiling now, and through his tears, he can hear Poe starting to sniff, and he can feel a few tears drip onto his head. He laughed through his own tears. “Why are you crying.”
“Because you are hurting right now, in more ways than one, and I tend to cry when you hurt and all I can do is hold you through it. It’s a fault of mine.” Poe chuckled, raising a hand to wipe away his own tears this time.
Ranpo laughed again, and brought one of his own hands up to cup Poe’s cheek, brushing away a stray tear. “Thank you, Poe-kun, for helping and accepting.”
“Always, Ranpo-kun, always.”
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puck-draws · 19 hours
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Being a trans person on the precipice of such a huge life change is incredibly hard. Going to college (which is already hard enough) is made 10x harder just due to the added complications of being transgender. I am blessed by the opportunity to attend a very queer art school but some of my transgender peers are going to trade schools or other colleges that may be less compassionate to their differences. This is without mentioning the stress that comes with paying for college. On its own, paying for college is also incredibly hard and expensive. Being transgender if you are seeking medical care is just another monetary burden to heap on to you. If your parents aren’t helping pay for it, it could be prohibitive to either. I know that the first time a trans person leaves home could be the first time the could express themselves to the fullest, for me thankfully I came out with no issue but for others it could not be that easy. Buying new clothes that fit your gender identity is another financial burden for a college bound teen, I know to a cis person it may seem frivolous but to trans people the need for clothing to help us pass and look like our true selves is a must. I salute every single trans person who is making the brave decision to peruse higher education. I have what some in the community would call passing privilege, I am two years on T and now have facial hair, a deep voice, and top surgery. It is an odd and foreign experience to pass in almost every situation I am put in, but for most trans people it is not that easy. I am also privileged to be white, if I were poc I’m sure that I would have a much harder time seeking both medical treatment and a college education due to both of those systems bias against poc.
This may sound a bit doomer to trans kids who may or may not read it but I promise you all this,
People out there love you and care about you and see you as you. Don’t stop fighting until you’ve found those people because I promise that you will.
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pup-in-transit · 6 months
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We're at the end of Month 5™️ of the wait. In the same way that August was pretty dull all things considered, September was very much not.
While I still don't have a firm surgery date, on the morning I'm writing this draft I scheduled my pre-surgery consultation with Dr. Brassard. It's set for November 6! Which is yet more waiting but having a date to look forward to is going to make the lead up to it much easier to manage. I'll be taking lots of notes, and i'd be more than happy to share them with everyone after it's all over! I want my experience in getting gender affirming surgery something that i can record for people to reference, so that it can be of use to someone on a similar journey to mine.
Another milestone this month was the fundraiser I started. As you might well be sick of me talking about by now, I launched a GoFundMe at the beginning of this month. Currently it's sitting at $435, which is honestly not too shabby! This could easily be where it fizzles out, but even if I don't get any closer to the $5,000 goal i'm still incredibly grateful for what everyone has given. Most of the donations came from people I know personally, who chose to send what they could to help me with such an important. I'll never be able to fully express what that means to me.
Plus, $435 is in an of itself a tremendous help! That'll cover the lion's share of one the four plane tickets i'll need to purchase, so for that metric alone the campaign has been a great success.
Now, something that comes with the territory of sharing around a fundraiser for a very major and famously queer surgery is that your friends and family are inevitably going to find out. For the more part the response has been overwhelming positive. Old college friends and old coworkers of mine - folks i hadn't seen in years - sent me lovely messages of support and affirmation. A few even donated to the campaign! It was honestly hard to take in right at first, and i still don't fully know how to articulate the joy i feel in that.
Now, all of this seems like pretty excellent news so far sooooo why am i using the header image i am? Well this is the part where the stress comes in. Earlier i said that a lot of folks found out i was transgender and pursuing gender affirming surgery via the campaign i linked to. I figured it was best to let my parents and in-laws know ahead of time, since i didn't want them taken off gaurd. My in-laws were terrific about it. My own parents?
Ehmmmm not so much.
Mom had a very difficult time with the news. I'm not going to get into specific details but, while i haven't been written out of the proverbial will, she's very much against me doing this and will be "praying" that something changes my mind or cancels the surgery. I think (i hope) with time she comes around on it and be more supportive of me, but i can't be sure of that. Truthfully i also can't be too upset at her reaction. This is a major change in one of her children, so it's unreasonable to think she wouldn't have a emotional reaction to it.
I'm a little more concerned about my father. He did not take me being gay well at all. I remember specifically he called my husband my "friend" (complete with quotation marks) for the first few months of our relationship, so i can't imagine he'd take me being transgender or getting a vaginoplasty well either. What isn't helping my nerves is that he plays Ben Shapiro and Matt Walsh in their living room as though they were day time talk shows. I'm not being hyperbolic when i say that Shapiro, Walsh, and their ilk want to do trans folks like me harm. Talking with him about this is neither something i'm looking forward to nor have the slightest desire to bring up with him.... but since my mother has almost certainly already told him this is almost certainly going to be inevitable.
My parents don't have to understand why i'm doing this and what it means to me. They just have to accept it as a reality of my life, and respect that it's something that will make my life happier. I want them to know that i've put thought and care into this choice, and just how many professionals i've debriefed with to be sure of my choice, and that my relationship with my husband will withstand the change to my body. If they can't accept it, they don't have to be a part of my life.
Of course, it's much easier to say that about my parents than to believe it.
Anyway i have an appointment with my therapist on friday so he and i will have a lot to talk about.
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Can you please talk more about your strugglewoman Emma
ofc dear anon,
first i am going to have to explain the lore of superpowers in my universe.
before there were humans on earth there was a race of all powerful aliens. they were basically gods, and they loved doing silly little science experiments. for their next experiment they wanted to create a new species on some random little planet. they chose earth because it was good enough. they genetically engineered some of their own people to not have superpowers like the aliens did but to still carry the gene that gives them powers. it was just inactive. they were sent to earth and over time their population grew. the gene that would potentially give them powers became rare and almost completely evolved out because it basically served no purpose. yet. you see, the aliens didn't just leave after they put the humans there. they stuck around in our solar system and would check in every 76 years. their spaceship was known to humans as Halley's comet. in 1986, the last time "Halley's comet" visited earth, the aliens sent out some sort of signal that activated the gene in the people who still had it. ever since then, people with that gene had activated superpowers. think x-men. this is basically x-men.
my main character is Emma Murphy. in the beginning of the story she is 14 years old and a freshman. she first got her powers in 7th grade while sitting in class. she noticed that the lights started getting brighter, and she started seeing colors she had never seen before. these were the different waves on the em spectrum that are invisible to the average human. she got some really bad migraines from the sensory overload and she still has them to this day. bummer. one day she was in the car with her parents and the radio was on and the radio waves were hurting her a lot. she got so stressed that she accidentally made the radio go bezerk. this is when she realized that she could actually control the different wavelengths of light. awsome.
ok lets get to the actual story
so we first meet emma as she is giving a presentation about superheros to her class. she does well and goes to the bathroom to celebrate. in the bathroom she is using her powers ( a little lightshow) when a fellow classmate ( darcy) walks in on her. this ofc would be really bad but it turned out that darcy also had powers. darcy invites her to hang out after school because she had her own little super hero team.
introduction to the other characters:
Darcy: she has water powers. at first she didnt think she had powers and she was jealous of her father and brother for having them. apparently her lack of powers were caused by the puberty blockers she was on but once she went on estrogen her powers came. she has trans swag
William: darcy's brother. he has fire powers. he wears gloves that have flint and steel on them so he can make a spark, and from there he can control the fire he just made. he wears a gas mask because although he is fire proof he is not smoke proof.
Adam: he has super strength. his skin cannot be pierced by most metals which sounds cool but means he cant really get top surgery so he just had to bind. he later ends up dating Darcy.
Salem: they are a witch. they have a walking cane that can turn into a magical staff when they need it to. their father is also a witch and he teaches them witchcraft. they have a bad leg and cant really move that fast but they can just club people in the head with the staff or turn them into frogs. they have a familiar named chunko who is a opossum and he is an asshole.
Mary: mary actually does not join the group for a while and starts out as a bad guy. when she was 12 she noticed that her skin was starting to turn red. her parents took her to the doctors and they suspected it was a rash, but it didn't ich. in the following weeks horns started to sprout from her head and she grew a tail. her nails and teeth got sharper and her pupils became slits. her parents were very religious and thought she was becoming a demon so they took her out of school and isolated her in the house. pretty shitty parents right? well they die in a car crash. bummer. Mary is all by herself and roams the streets for a while. she eventually joins a supervillain team and learns to fight. she fights my hero team a few times, but one time the hero's defeat the villain team and the rest of the villains escape without mary. the police were on their way and emma tells Mary her options. either come with her or go with the cops. ofc she went with the gang because being arrested isn't great. they pull a stranger things and she lives in emma's basement. bla bla bla character development bla bla bla tension and boom. emma and Mary are dating.
that is about as much as i will say for now but i remember any more lore i will add it in the reblogs.
i am not going to proofread this so sorry for the spelling.
also fuck i wrote a lot
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mebecausewhyn0t · 2 years
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I came out as trans to my family
I came out as trans to my family two days ago and I made a whole presentation to explain it. I'm very lucky to have been born in a family in which I can come out and be safe.
I warned them that this was very important to me before hand and I wanted to wait a bit longer because they weren't in the best mood but it was either that or on the day I go to my grandparents'. (not lgbt+ friendly but not openly homophobic either) I was also very tired and I'm not very good at dealing with my emotions when I'm tired so that made me even more nervous.
I knew they wouldn't react badly but it did go a bit worse than I expected. My dad was the most in a bad mood and when he's in a bad mood, he puts everyone in a bad mood. I was mostly reading the text on the screen and he was on the sofa with my mum and my sister. I barely looked at them because I was scared of breaking down before I had finished. My sad made a few comments on my presentation which did not help at all and when I looked at him he looked really grumpy and it scared me. He also made a few comments that hurt me and I feel like he wasn't paying a lot of attention to what I was explaining. I think I said a few rude things because I was really stressed and he wasn't being nice to me either and I wanted him to realise that.
At the end I started crying and they said they loved me and all and I'm really thankful for them for that. They asked a few questions like "I think it's a bit too quick for you to think that, that you have all the time to figure it out." I answered that I think having dysphoria (I told them really personal things about how I experience dysphoria) make me sure that I'm not confused. I talked about pronouns and different gender change things like hormones and surgeries. My dad said he got scared when I mentioned hormones and it made me sad that he was saying he was scared of something that would make me comfortable. I also think he didn't understand it very well. My mum helped the rushed conclusions he had go away by saying they needed time to think about it and that they needed to do their own research too. (btw my mum already knew kind of because i already told her but like really toned down compared to now.)
My sister had no problem accepting it.
That day I felt extremely dysphoric and now that I'm at my grandparents' it's not going away. We had a family gathering kind of that I didn't even know about and my parents aren't there. I'm at theirs for another 5 days. My parents said that they were old so if I come out to them they won't change their views and opinions easily. I was scared my parents would be on their side if they had to choose but probably not now that I think of it. I will cut them off if I need to for my mental safety.
I kind of made it clear that I was imposing this change to my parents and that they had to do their best and it wasn't an option. I'm happy that I did that. Because this affects my life more than it could their's.
I explained the dysphoria I felt really well in my opinion but my dad didn't seem to understand how bad it affected me.
I said in the presentation that I wanted to get some transtape or a binder. I had already asked my mum for some but she's worried about my safety. In my opinion, I'm run more danger mentally without binding than with for my physical health.
I asked them to use different pronouns for me and stop using words like daughter and girl and my mum has been doing her best which makes me happy but my dad just hasn't said anything gendered since.
I made some dysphoria vent art yesterday right in front of my grandparents' nose. They didn't really pay attention to what it meant or was. That was funny.
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lol being trans is so complicated
I feel alone most of the time
I can tell people don't understand me. It's not their fault, and on a good day it's fine, it's whatever.
But when it's bad, I can fell it, I make them uneasy, they feel uncomfortable around me. On a bad day it's suffocating.
Even the people who love me, my parents, my friends, my little sibling who is my closest confidant. I can feel the tension grow whenever I do anything from mention it in passing or crack a joke. I can feel them avert their gaze, like they're afraid I'll sense their thoughts through their eyes. Even in writing this, it's like, what are they feeling? Shame? Disbelief? Confusion? Embarrassment? Do they just not believe me but don't want to hurt my feelings? People are visually uncomfortable around me and it hurts me in the very depths of my soul. It feels like each step I take forward others are backing away from me, so the distance between where I was and where I am feels that much farther. It's debilitating sometimes. Not always, but sometimes, yeah.
It cuts so deep because I love people, I love gender, and I love the human experience. I'm an open book if you care to ask, but now... there are huge, foundational, exciting, and frustrating aspects of my life and identity that are taboo. Maybe it needs to start with me, but god I'm so tired.
I am only now starting to truly grasp the idea of marginal stress, and the way people's intersectional experiences can lead to these big societal gaps. Being trans is exhausting. I've always been a pretty stereotypically successful person. Good grades, loved school, great with people, could get a job. I love learning and school and friends and everything, but it was hard. Depression amplified by undiagnosed neurodivergency and an unnerving sense of disconnect I would later identify as dysphoria made everything a struggle. Completing high school, despite me loving school, was like pulling teeth out. I shed so many tears over college applications. But I did it, and I'm here, and I'm alive, and I'm good at it. I had to suffer a lot to do it, but I did. I kept up.
It's hard not to feel alone. All of my struggle was internal. I wanted good grades, I wanted college, I wanted to keep going. But more than that, it was me who got me out. It was me who fought back against my eating disorder even when everyone thought I was crazy. It was me who didn't kill myself in high school, who got out of that god-forsaken church. I was the one who researched ADHD when no one would listen. I tried to make it easy on people when I came out. I started slow, over years. It was me that got my whole family to go back to therapy, to reach out to a gender affirming therapist, to buy a binder, to reach out about hormones. I was alone driving to the doctor, I sat alone in the waiting room, alone at the CVS, alone at the kitchen table, my hands shaking, for my first intramuscular injection. Everyone in my life had told me it made them uncomfortable to talk about it.
It's like, I can't even be poetic or cute, because it hurts. It hurts because I know every one of these people accepts others like me, but it's my proximity that's alarming. They don't understand the stress. One of my friends was ranting about how at almost 20 years old she doesn't have a bank account that she doesn't share with her father. I took everything in me to listen. My parents don't want me on hormones, and even though they mean well, it still makes me sad. I am still legally entitled to their insurance, not that they would even not let me use it if I wasn't, but I pay for it with my money I make working my jobs. My financial independence is a huge part of how I can even transition. I hate that I feel resentment towards this friend but I do. The idea that she would want to get a credit card just so her dad can't make snide comments about her buying clothes from Shein or a signed copy of a book is comical to me. I hate comparing people's situations (we had even just finished a conversation about Shein which finished on that topic), but I'm financially independent so I can buy the gender-affirming, life-altering, world-changing medical care that I wouldn't have been able to start without it. Her having her own bank account or not, it doesn't make any significant difference in her life, she doesn't have to make a choice but she can still choose. I'm not mad at her, I'm grieving for myself. Not that it's even that big of a deal, but god, it just makes me think.
I'm not mad at anybody, I've just so recently realized why life is hard for trans people. In biology class we were doing a blood typing lab, and part of that involved pricking yourself with a safety needle. One of those little orange boxes where if you press down a little needle pops out. You don't see it go in, it bleeds for less than a minute, and you go on with your day. The class was losing their minds at this. Grown ass adults, the whole class losing composure about having to "stab" themselves with these needles. Funny thing is, they didn't even have to? If they didn't want the needle they could use some blood the lab had on hand. I'm watching these people freak out and all I can think about is my injection I'll be doing tomorrow morning at 6am. I'll have to pull back on the needle at it sits an inch and a half in my leg to make sure I'm not injecting into a vein and going to kill myself, and these adults are freaking out over a needle. That idea sat like stone in the bottom of my stomach. I have no problem with people disliking needles, or having to hurt themselves, or having a weak stomach, or not being manly enough or anything. It's because it felt isolating. I realized I was the only one who had to be so comfortable around needles, who had to put on a brave face tomorrow morning and draw up the oil. No one around me could have lived a day in my life. It's kind of exciting, but on a bad day like that day, it was like a curtain went up around me. And how do I explain this to someone? That seeing people wince over a needle leaves a pit in my stomach that drags me down for the rest of the day. I never thought stress would be so personal, so seemingly random, and affect me so much.
I always joke about being a self-made man, which is a lie, since I'm afraid it wouldn't land. But god, I take pride in that! The idea that I'm working for this. I experience this is a much more purposeful way than any of you bitches. You got here by chance? I got here by choice, every scar and stitch proof of my devotion to myself and to my cause. I'm more of a man than you'll ever be, I bled for this. It sounds violent and aggressive, but god I'm working so hard to get up out of bed every morning. Just to convince myself that we're getting one day closer. Finding the little moments of euphoria and savoring those forever. One of my few queer friends at school took me to Salem and did an amazing job of gendering me correctly. It was effortless for her, and I couldn't stop beaming. I felt like me, I felt so good I can't even describe. And it feels even better because I know she fully sees me as I see myself. Their is no miscommunication, no doubt, no tension which swallows me whole. She is one of the few areas of my life where I am understood. I'm so grateful to her I can't describe. She cured me, if that makes sense. Not even her, she just prescribed it. Being my correct gender cured me, even for that one night.
I've known I've been some flavor of gay man since middle school, but what do you do once you know? And you're so little and you're so confused. I grew up in a conservative church, I didn't know trans people existed, let alone ones who were also gay. I always say that you were your truest self in middle school. Not necessarily down to the minute details, but more of the idea that in middle school you were so generally awkward, odd, or out-of-place that you could explore facets or interest of desire that you who works a 9-to-5 cannot. I new I was a man, but didn't know it was possible to do that in any meaningful way. That night in Salem everything clicked. Not only did I want to be a guy, more than anything, but I could. No questions asked, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I can be a guy. It's never felt like that before. Most people treat me not as I am, but as I appear to be, and that shakes my confidence, not of what I am, but if I will ever not make people uncomfortable. Like, yes transitioning is amazing, the happiest and most satisfied I've ever been in my life, but that night proved that there is a transitioned. It's real hope, and clarity like I haven't experienced in a while. True euphoria.
Anyways, I lost the plot. I've been listening to My Way by Frank Sinatra recently, and it feels very much applicable to my experience. I'm doing it, alone, and very well. I'm doing it my way. And when I'm there, when I'm not -ing, but -ed, when cis people finally respect me because I appear as I am, when I have grown to be palatable, I'll have done it my way. Fighting tooth and nail, alone, for truth so inherent I thought it was a non-issue. And no one else gets the credit. I will have graduated, top of my class, doing straight cis-normative sexist homophobic society better than any of you all ever have. And it sounds bitter, it sounds harsh, it sounds unforgiving, but god so has this. I'm the little red cock and I'm gonna eat my fucking bread man. I am trans joy and trans wrath and trans justice and trans perseverance. AHHHHHHHHHH. I love it, again so happy, but god people sure as hell won't let it be effortless.
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cordially-stupid · 3 months
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Transgender First Blog Entry
The #TransgenderFirst College Scholarship- For Transgender Students (onlinedegree.com)
^ Transgender First, the inspiration for this post. Through writing this I ended up being inspired to start a couple of other essays about my experiences with the specific transphobia i've encountered as a trans man at an HWC. I'm always happy to talk about my experiences.
When I was accepted into an HWC, I was excited by the prospect of being surrounded by other queer people, and to have conversations about gender and sexuality with more nuance than ever before. However, I kept running into this pervasive idea that gender is a choice but it doesn’t matter because it isn’t real. This common regurgitation always rubbed me the wrong way. I can see how the idea of gender being irrelevant can be freeing for gender nonconforming people, especially lesbians pigeonholed into performing femininity. However, it not being real doesn't mean it can't and shouldn't matter. My gender matters to me. When I came out to my friends as a trans man, they treated me like I chose wrong. I was not part of the in-group. 
 Beyond having a hard time making and maintaining friendships, I experienced more explicit transphobia at school traditions. The conflation of “woman” and “student” made it difficult to assert that I belonged in student spaces, despite not being a woman. I, and other trans people, were kicked out of school sponsored events because we didn’t look enough like “women” to be students. My identity as a man was respected, but my status as a student was not. 
I eventually found my social niche surrounded by other trans people. I finally had found people that understood the foundation of my experiences, and who were excited and supportive of my relationship to my gender. We celebrated when I finally went on testosterone my sophomore year, and had a weekly injection countdown to help me get over my fear of needles. My pronouns and chosen name were respected in class and among my friend group. I was growing into myself.
Despite my joy, I was also filled with anxiety. Going on testosterone was changing my body. It was becoming a body I loved and one that felt like mine, but it was also becoming one that my parents were going to notice was different. I needed to talk to someone with knowledge about how to navigate coming out to my parents, and dealing with the anxiety of how they would react. My grades tanked along with my mental health. Previous to that semester, I had been comfortably maintaining at least a 3.0, and suddenly was struggling just to pass my classes. I turned to the school’s overworked counseling services and was told that there weren’t any appointments available for months. I sought out the mental health club, but they were unable to offer any support beyond stickers and stress balls. I became more and more stressed, reassuring myself that my parents were likely to be supportive given their political views anyway. 
Unfortunately, that simply wasn’t true. My mother found the packaging for my shots in the trash, and told me that I killed her daughter. She grieved with my father, who stopped acknowledging my presence. I became like a ghost in the house, until my mother broke the silence with a deal. I was permitted to finish the semester and live in their house on the condition that I moved out before the fall. 
I was stunned by how quickly my joy was taken away from me. The lack of support from my parents led to the total collapse of my security. Every future became uncertain, which made it difficult to plan for any future. I was finally myself somewhere where I was not necessarily understood but at least accepted, and then flung into total self-reliance. It finally sank in that all my safe spaces were on a paid membership being canceled at the whim of my parents. The core of my experience as a trans person at college has been the precariousness of the safety and respect I am allotted. Most people who go to college or university rely on their parents to support them financially. But when you're trans, you are required to consider how your parents’ transphobia could influence their decision to finance your education. That assumption of support puts them in a position to levy that financial power and prevent you from coming out. The possibility of them exerting that power, regardless of how accepting they actually end up being, means that even the decision itself of coming out to your parents weighs heavily on your mind. 
I had a hard winter that year. I was struggling to afford food, let alone get access to the healthcare I needed. Every dollar I saved that summer went to the roof over my head. I didn’t starve that winter because of those connections I made at school. I moved about 15 minutes away from my old campus, dead set on at least keeping my support system nearby. My friends were sneaking me food from the dining halls and lending me blankets and soap. I would not have made it through the winter without them. 
I was eventually able to find my financial footing the following spring, and can finally begin to think about going back to school. The degree to which financial stability, often founded on your parents’ acceptance of your identity, affects your ability to integrate with your institution is wild lol.
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silvaskye · 7 months
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Been really fucking stressed over the last few days for various reasons, to the point of genuinely just feeling like there’s no point in anything, and I realised that I have social media and I can just say shit.
If you claim to care about the “safety of children”, but then turn around and say queer people should be killed, you do not care about the safety of children. You are actively contributing to the deaths of possibly hundreds of people, including children. If you advocate for the deaths of real people simply because you don’t like them, you don’t care about the safety of children, because you want them dead too.
I was queer before I knew what the internet was. I came out when I was 3. I didn’t have the language to describe it, and that’s all the internet gave me. Instead of saying “I’m going to have surgery because I think puberty is wrong for me and feminine terms make me uncomfortable when they’re used on me”, I could just say “I’m trans”. Instead of saying “I’m not interested in sex and I never want to have it”, I could just say “I’m asexual”. These are actual things that I said (rephrased obviously) when I was 3 to describe my identity. All the internet did was give me actual words to describe those things.
The internet didn’t “make me queer”, it made me understand that not everyone was as good as the people I was around. It made me realise that some people would see my parents raising me genderless (in 2006 btw) as “grooming” or “abuse”, despite the fact that it’s the only reason I have any happy memories of my childhood. It made me realise that transphobes would go as far as calling children rapists, or invalidating the abuse of people (friends of theirs included) just to make people hate trans people. But it wasn’t even the internet that spawned these beliefs, it’s people unwilling to look outside and acknowledge that people outside are real and not just characters.
Children are not safe. With the worlds current state, most of them don’t think they’ll ever be safe. I’ve seen full grown adults tell queer children to kill themselves. I’ve seen queer children say the laws in their country make them want to kill themselves. I’ve acknowledged that I don’t even feel safe in this world, and that the amount of stress I’m constantly experiencing is the reason I can’t and likely never will recover from my trauma, and why I don’t even want to try.
I went through so much shit as a kid. All kinds of abuse, undiagnosed disabilities, several near-death experiences, several suicide attempts, etc. There is no one that makes me feel like I’d be better off dead more than transphobes. There’s no one who makes me want to hurt myself or get unwanted surgeries and medical procedures more than transphobes. I know I’d never fit their definition of a woman, even if I had the surgeries to change me being intersex. I’d still be unable to have children, I’d still be masculine-looking, and I’d still feel this empty and hopeless. Some of us will just never be good enough in their eyes.
Transphobia kills trans kids. Transphobia also kills cis kids. If you care about the safety of children, don’t be transphobic.
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breitzbachbea · 3 years
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📓?? 👀
Okay, okay, okay, so -
Put “📓” or some other version of a book emoji into my inbox and I’ll explain the plot of a fanfiction that I haven’t written but daydream about.
The Ancient Olympics AU (which I talked about with @crispyliza )
This AU came into being after I relistened to the "The Ancient Olympics" episode of the history/comedy podcast "You're Dead To Me". It had the interesting information that a lot of Olympic winners actually came from Sicily & South Italy! So naturally I began to wonder what might have happened if my Sicilians ended up in Olympia ...
Dramatis Personae:
- Michele Vento (APH Sicily, my OC) as Trainer of the Bontade Twins - Marco & Lorenzo Bontade (Human OCs of mine) as Athletes from Syracuse - Herakles Karpuzi (APH Greece) as Athlete from Athens - Timothea Simonides (Human OC) as Herakles' Trainer - Omar Simonides (Human OC) as ... Good question? Co-Trainer to Thea ig
The Happenings™:
- Lorenzo and Marco want to compete in the upcoming Olympics as runners. Michele,probably a distant relative to them who lives close, becomes their trainer.
- The Sicilians roll up to Olympia, most likely a few days early because travelling is an adventure in these days and it doesn't hurt to have a few extra days to get accustomed to the terrain.
- Michele also definitely loses the Bontade twins 10 minutes after arriving at the sanctuary bc he wasn't looking for 0.5 seconds. So now he lost his boys at a place that currently contains approximately half of Magna Graecia.
- The reason he wasn't paying attention? Some athletes were preparing themselves nearby, bucknaked of course. Amongst them Herakles. Michele has always been a sucker for strong arms and legs, so that plus Herakles' beautiful face has him swooning from the get go.
- After he recollects his twins, they spend the next few days training, as do the other athletes, which is when Herakles notices Michele's looks.
- Christina (crispyliza) had the galaxy brain idea that Herakles intentionally flirts with Michele to sabotage the Bontades success at the games. It's an idea that he comes up with together with the Simonides - to be completely fair, it was probably Timothea's. Omar: "My, looks like you've got a fanboy." Herakles: "And what a pretty one at that." Timothea: "He seems to be a bit shy about it, though. Or maybe he's actually after those twin brothers?" (They figure out he's the Bontades trainer) Timothea: "Oh, he's a trainer! Pretty sucky at his job though if he's oogling the competition so much." Omar: "All the better for us, though." Timothea: -oil lamp ignites over her head bc light bulbs aren't invented yet-
- While we're at the Simonides: This was before it was mandatory for everyone to be naked, so Timothea managed to sneak into the games by posing as a man. Omar helps her with it, since he's trans and thusly got experience. Christina also had the hilarious idea of them having fake beards, which is just, YES. Timothea definitely cut her hair and they made whatever beard is in fashion in Athens at the time out of them. Their mother Natasa used to be a famed winner of the Heraea, the woman's games also held in Olympia.
- So let the games GreSic flirting begin
- The Problem: Michele doesn't want his boys to think he's betraying them for a rival athlete. He also really wants Herakles to rail him. The Solution: Find ways to be sneaky and secretive about it so the twins don't have to find out. Here is one of the possible scenarios I had for this: "When I first thought about this, I also had this scene in my head. Idk how accurate it works, bc it involves a tent and in the ydtm episode they didn't mention how people were housed during the games. (Like, I am sure there were guest houses, the temples probably offered some places to sleep, both of that but in upscale fancy for all the rich and important people attending yadda yadda.) Do you know that trope(?) when someone has sex but is trying to hide it? That. Just Michele sticking his head out of the tent, clutching at the fabric to keep everything else closed. Tells his twins, who looked for him, he is kind of busy rn. Tries is best to hide the fact of what is actually happening and to make them leave. It works. Kind of. Because as soon as they are gone, Michele sighs with a :| look and tells Hera to stop. "But why?" "Because you would have to nail every corner of this tent down and then they'd still find a way to spy!" Which is exactly what the twins ARE doing. They are trying their best to get an unnoticed peak from one place of the tent. But because it has to be subtle, all they get to see is feet and they either don't hear them or don't recognize Herakles' voice. I don't think he is the person to go out of his way to pick on people or pick fights in general, so they probably haven't had much interaction. So Michele smoothes out his chiton annoyed and leaves the tent, to then just stomp around enough for the twins to notice him and pretend they weren't doing what he knew they were doing."
- One day however, Marco & Lorenzo are missing their trainer and can't find him. They run into Thea & Omar, who are missing their athlete. Hm. Weird. Wonder what's that all about :)
- They end up catching Michele and Herakles in the act, just out there somewhere underneath a tree, which, naturally, makes the Bontades VERY upset. Lorenzo: "What do you think you are doing?!" Omar, in his head: 'Herakles, obviously.' Marco: "He's the COMPETITION, Michele!" Both: "You've left us all alone for THAT?!" Since the Simonides were in on the whole thing, they're not surprised just disappointed that Herakles vanished without a heads up. "Well, that ain't sprinting practice."
- The most hilarious thing is that could not even tell you who wins the race. I didn't even think about that part until yesterday. I'm kind of particular to the thought that it's somewhat of a photo finish with the three of them, but the twins come out on top. Since there can only be one winner, they flippantly let one of them be chosen by the equivalent of a coin toss. So technically, either Marco or Lorenzo has won, but they keep both parading around with the wreath and insist that the inscription to them mentions them both as winners. Now, if they got their way is another story, I didn't read any academic articles on this at. all.
- Second place is as good as last in the Ancient Greek world, but Herakles takes the loss in stride. Timothea is probably the one who's most upset. Marco: "Hah, so all your flexing - " Lorenzo: "and all your fucking for nothing in the end!" Michele: "Hey, I'd like to think I'm a reward in and of myself, not an obstacle."
Sequel Bait:
- Back home in Siracusa, Michele gets asked if he doesn't want to train his cousins, too. The ones from Neapolis. The ones Michele can't stand. However, his mother talks him into it and he agrees. Extra funny because Lovino & Feliciano were also talked into it by THEIR parents. So Michele spends the next four years butting heads with Lovino, knowing fully well their mother will rip his head off if they don't do well. Lovino is of course hiding his giant insecurities about disappointing his loving father & mother behind snark. Michele will arrive at Olympia with four athletes in two this time and looks like he aged 40, not 4 years from all the stress.
- Herakles is no competition this time, though! He wants to try his hand at wrestling this year. However, very quickly after his arrival, he butts heads with a fellow wrestler from one of the Greek colonies in Asia minor. Only thing's more annoying than his big mouth, which he shares with his wrestling buddy, are probably the flirtations coming out of it & Herakles can't wait to show him his place. (Yes, I do know that the Turkish people came into the area that is modern day Turkey far, far later, he should be of another ethnicity [and he gotta be Greek to participate, anyways] but. Is any of you really going to deny me Herakles and Sadık wrestling, bucknaked, covered in oil? I'd hope the fuck not.)
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nctinfo · 4 years
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[TRANS] Renjun, Jeno & Jaemin’s interview with Arena HOMME+ July 2020 issue!
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RENJUN
Do you like the summer weather? I like the feeling of a refreshing drive under the bright sky while looking at the sea. I like summer evenings too. The feeling of the sun fading away and hiding.
Are you sensitive to heat? I am, but when I’m relaxed the heat feels more bearable.
Your face is lovely. Do you like your face? I wish people would love not only their assets but also their flaws. In that aspect I do like myself.
What’s your asset? My pupils are big. When talking to people you look them in the eyes, right? This is when I think I can relay my message better.
People say that Renjun is pure. Haha. I think everyone’s got something innocent about them, it’s just that we view it differently. I often have weird thoughts. I don’t know if it sounds ridiculous, but I think about things like why are people born, why people have children and raise them, why life exists. I think about the universe too, I also like documentaries about the animal world. I am curious and it’s not like anyone can just tell me the answers, right? It’s just fun to ask questions and let your imagination run free.
What have you been imagining lately? Before bed I imagine a place and come up with stories and characters. For example if I was a character in a movie like <Avatar> I imagine what kind of creatures would be there, if I would be able to fly and where I would fly to...
Are you a person who needs alone time? That’s right. I used to want company when I was lonely. But these days I think that alone time is good too. I don’t know what kind of person I was before, but now I think I have to focus on myself. I think I need to be firm with myself to take care of other people.
Why do you want to be firm with yourself? I came to such a big company like SM, there’s so many charming people. At first I always cared about other people’s eyes on me. How do others view me, what do they think of me, what should I do to look good in their eyes. But at one point I couldn’t keep up with others. I wanted to walk my own path only.
Do you have a soft side? Honestly yes. I cry easily and I get emotional a lot. Back in the day I wanted to showcase a strong image of me to hide the tenderness, but right now I’m just focusing on making my heart strong.
What is a strong heart? It’s something of my own. So that people can’t shake me up easily.
Are you soft looking but strong inside? It doesn’t matter whether it’s soft on the outside but tough on the inside, or tough both outside and inside. I don’t have to look strong or weak, I just have to be ‘me’. I like drawing, but whenever I drew something off I would stress over it. I use my brain a lot without even realising, unconsciously. So even when a drawing came out well I would still be stressing over it. Now I’m not restricting myself with only drawing well, I don’t erase anything, I just want to draw happily.
Do you know Renjun as a person now? I think I do a little, since I don’t care what others think and express what I want to express. But I also still don’t. Time and experience will solve it.
You said you didn’t do the MBTI test on purpose? To be honest I tried once. But I only want myself to know. I want to be seen as I am. 
What did you dream of as a child? Becoming a star. Ever since I was little I wanted to become an idol. I enjoyed dancing and singing, it’s like I was shining.
Do you believe in destiny? I do. 
Do you think Renjun coming to Korea was destiny? That’s right. It’s unbelievable to me. I applied for an audition but gave up because I didn’t hear anything back. So I was just eating and received a call and yelled on the spot. I was this happy haha. The next day straight away I bought the tickets to the audition place and participated in the global audition. 
Why did you think you couldn’t make it? I’m the type to be prepared for the worst case scenario. So I’m very happy and thankful I made it this far.
How was adjusting to Korea? It wasn’t as hard as I thought. It was something I wanted.
What are fans to Renjun? I too like kpop and idols, so I know this feeling very well. I know how it feels to think of someone as a person who gives you strength, so I change my position. What would I be feeling if I were a fan? We’re giving strength to each other.
What kind of songs would you like to sing? Pretty fantasy songs like those from Disney movies. I want to sing a cover of the <Frozen> OST ‘For the First Time in Forever’.
That would suit Renjun well. What kind of person do you see as cool? Someone who knows who they are. Someone who is impressive even without talking, someone who doesn’t use perfume but still draws people in as if they smelled good. I want to become a person like this.
In that case is Renjun impressive? Hahaha. Although I like how I am now I need to become even better. 
What is something Renjun dreams of now? Self approval. One day I would also like to spend my life travelling around the world and looking at the beauty of it.
JENO 
What do you usually do in summer? Since debut we usually have a comeback in summer and promote. When I was little, my parents and I would always go to a valley. I like swimming. I even learned the butterfly stroke. I’m fairly good at it.
Your body is more solid than expected. I didn’t mean for it to become like this, but I really like sports. I like to make use of my body. I like going to the gym and because I love cycling I’ll occasionally ride to Han River or Yangpyeong. When I was little, I played table tennis and badminton pretty diligently. I usually remain motionless and use up all my energy at once. I’d rather put all my strength into it and then stay exhausted.
Are you competitive? Very. I think a lot about how to win anything. I feel uncomfortable when losing.
Are you goal-oriented? Having no goal makes you sluggish. I have to have a clear goal in order to systematically work hard towards achieving it. My current goal is showing how much I’ve matured for our next comeback. I monitor my seniors a lot. It’s great motivation. I want to become a person who is really good at one thing at least.
Who do you want to be most alike in fierceness? U-Know Yunho sunbaenim’s passion. It’d be hard to catch up, but I really want to be like him.
It’s surprising your name isn’t a stage name. Imperial “Je”(帝), hard work “No”(努). Do you like it? My maternal grandfather picked it. He named me that so I may receive strength from a higher position. I really like it. It’s not common. Haha. I feel the responsibility of living like my name.
Is your dream big? It’s more than high. It should be high. Since I was little, I liked to be praised and wanted to do things perfectly. Instead of praising myself, I always say, ‘No, you’re not there yet.’ I already receive enough compliments and support from our fans. I don’t even need to praise myself. You have to gain strength and train yourself with that support. 
You have a tall nose and defined jaw. Do you like your face? I’m not dissatisfied. Hahaha. I’ve been liking my tear mole these days. I wasn’t really conscious of it before, but lately I’m glad that I have it. If I didn’t have that tear mole, I think I’d give off too strong of an impression. Doesn’t it look good? Haha.
I remember Jeno from the Angpang Milk ad. He was a child model that everyone would remember when mentioned at the time. Back then, I was scared and cried all the time. When I came on set there were so many strangers, and when I was in front of the camera, I cried because I couldn’t see my mom. Hahaha. It got better once I found out the staff people weren’t scary people.
What were you like off-camera? Rather than going out and playing with friends, I liked studying and reading books. I studied very hard in elementary school. Come to think of it, I seem to really like doing things by myself. I enjoyed reading a series of youth novels, conducting scientific experiments, putting puzzles together, or assembling Lego. A homebody to this day. Haha.
What’s the fun part of creating something? A sense of accomplishment. There’s pride and satisfaction in saying ‘I did it!’ I’m a person for whom a sense of accomplishment is of great importance. I also like this sense of accomplishment when I get to prepare and show a performance.
Did having an early social life help you with promotions? Not being opposed to making eye contact with the camera, also smiling/laughing well. I often hear that I look cold when I’m expressionless, but when we are together, I always laugh and everyone knows the real me. Hahaha.
On the contrary, what was regretful about acting since a very young age? Nothing. I got a good opportunity and experienced a lot. Nothing to regret.
You have a strange sense of stability for your age. I’m not very emotional by nature. I don’t cry much and I rarely have mood swings. With other members being so animated and having so much character it may seem like that. But I’m not as calm as I look. I’m just the type to not show when I get irritated or hurt, I talk quietly after a while. I just unwind on my own and don’t want to make things uncomfortable.
They say you’re an ‘FM’ person who goes by the rules. It’s good to be certain about anything. I try my best to perform my duties properly.
What do the other members think what kind of person Jeno is? A reliable one. When I address important matters within the team, I talk about them naturally. Rather than relying on them, it’s like I’m passing on difficult questions… hahaha.
What kind of person do you think is impressive? Someone who does what they want, someone with room for development. First of all if a person does what they want they are less likely to give up, more than anything a person like this is happy.
Is Jeno impressive? I’m trying my best. But I am doing what I want and because I’m receiving support from so many people I am happy for sure. If 10 means the best (in terms of happiness) then it’s a 10.
You debuted as a teen and now you are 20. Do you think you’ve grown a little? My appearance and skills have grown but my mindset is still that of a kid. Thoughts and personality are the same. 
It’s like you’ve grown with the Dream members together without changing classes. Right. I can’t even imagine not having these friends. I’ve been seeing Jaemin for 7~8 years now though so I’m a little tired of him, hahaha. Kinda like even if we buy one thing, we buy it together. We have our own world.
What is Jeno dreaming of now? To become a cool person while being happy. 
JAEMIN
What do you usually do in the summer? I like sports you can do in the water. Jet skiing or riding a yacht. I can already ride a yacht by myself. Even though the summer is better than a cold winter, my favorite season is autumn.
Pretty with round eyes and a bright smile. What's your favorite thing about your face? I like my eyes the most. The fans caught on some details I didn't even know about, so I became more fond of my eyes.
How did you get the nickname ‘Nana’? It's 'Nana' because my name is Na Jaemin. It's pretty and I like it. It's a nickname that's been used since I was a trainee.
When you look at Jaemin, he seems to be someone who likes people and is full of love for humanity. It's been like that since I was born. There's no need to dislike someone when you meet them for the first time. Hahaha. I think relationships between people and friends are the most important part of life.
How is your relationship with the members? It's very solid. Since we lived together for 7~8 years, it is safe to say that we are family. We know each other so well, and can speak our minds right away without fighting. I can talk about things with my members, I can't tell my mother because I don't want her to worry, and lean on them.
You seem to have a lot of natural aegyo, were you born with it? I'm an only child so I received lots of love. It's not something I do on command, but my body expresses the affection my mom has given me since I was young. I want to be someone who gives back the love I received from the fans. When you have received love, you can now give love.
Are you athletic? My mother made me exercise a lot when I was young. I learned sports like speed skating, inline skating, snowboarding, and it suited me well. Once I started, I did it all day without knowing the passing of time. These days, I usually ride a bicycle with Jeno. If you go to the Hangang you can ride about 30km at a time. 
You seem to have endurance. It's in my personality to see it until the end. If what you want to do doesn't work out, keep going with the best of your abilities.
You seem very bright. The words keep pouring out. When I work I try my best to speak as much as possible, flaunt aegyo and show a bright image, but I don't speak much back at the dorm. I'm the type to pour out everything when I'm outside but will need to recharge when I'm home. My bed is my side battery. Hahaha. At home, I like to listen to songs alone, write or edit pictures.
You drink your coffee overly bitter and eat sweets overly sweet. That's right. It's a bit extreme. Hahaha. I do what I want to do! I dislike what I dislike. I'm that kind of type.
I heard you make Tangfuru for the members? Jisung and Chenle eat it especially well. These days I'm into T-bone steak and think about getting a sous vide machine. The kids like meat.
You look like someone who can take care of different things well I take care [of things/others/dreamies] really well. Hahaha. When they are hungry I will make something they want. When they say things like "Hyung, how to run the washing machine,' 'the boiler is not turned on,' 'the internet is not working,' I try to help as much as I can.
When you shot for <Arena> two years ago you were still a teenager, but now you're an adult. Do you think you've grown? I still have pictures of that time on my phone. Looking at the pictures that were taken today, it seems like I've grown up well. When I read the interview from 2 years ago again, I must've thought I was all grown up back then, hahaha. At 20 years old now, I think I'm still far from being grown up. I'm still young. There's still a lot to learn.
What was your dream when you were young? I never thought of becoming an idol. I was really shy back then. Originally my dream was to become a surgeon. When I was young I saw <Mysteries of the Human Body> and had such dreams. Haha. I wanted to save people!
You were cast while you were volunteering. Even after debuting, you continued to show support. I think I should give back to society as much as I have received. Since I was young my mom has told me "If you receive, you must know how to give back." It's normal for me, I used to donate in my name since I was really young.
What kind of person do you think is impressive? Someone who has more to offer on the inside than outside. Rather than being a flashy person I want to become someone solid with substance. 
What are your interests these days? To be honest I’m slow with trends. I find out about things like half a year later than others. These days we talk with the members about what content to show our fans when we’re inactive [not promoting]. I want to post my own pictures and self-edited videos so I’m teaching myself how to do it. Lately, I’ve been wanting to learn how to use photo editing software properly, but it’s difficult to deal with. 
Jaemin is known for taking good pictures. Hahaha. I uploaded pictures I took of the members yesterday and the fans liked it and told me my skills had improved. Since I'm getting praised I want to keep taking pictures and upload them.
It looks like you like to capture portraits more than landscapes. I love taking portraits. For example, trees always stand in a similar shape in the same place. But as for people, I can make them do whatever I want them to do and see various expressions continuously. I think that's much more attractive. It's fun to capture facial expressions, eyes, nose, and other features.
What kind of dreams do you have now? Dreams should be grand and certain. Always set high goals. My dream is to get many more of our fans who love us. And in order to do that I must work even harder. The pictorial we shot today has a distinct sexy feeling. So I hope you’ll enjoy it. Hahaha. 
Translation: Alex, Myeon, Esmee @ FY! NCT (NCTINFO) | Source: Arena HOMME+ — Do not repost or take out without our permission!
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transtenzin · 4 years
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got anything about pema being supportive of nb tenzin?
you.... you get it
❤︎ yes i will take every chance i get to expand on my original headcanons so:
i should start this off with pema is trans too 😌
when tenzin's just like "so maybe i'm not a guy" pema is like !!!!
and while they're explaining what they can about the general Gender Feels pema's like that’s great! do u have anything in mind that u feel is a fit
skjss she was just curious but it just seems to make tenzin more stressed 😭 and they explain that... maybe?? they've considered a few and that's when pema realizes they have been "considering" this much longer than they've told her about
afterward, even though they haven't specifically asked her to stop using gendered language like husband/father/etc., she does, and tenzin notices. they're like 😭😭 hello do u know how much i love you... 
when pema asks about pronouns tenzin lowkey stresses out again like ough idkkk. any?????
and even though they were very hesitant to try going by any pronouns in the first place, pema’s enthusiasm about it makes them all :”)) and gives them a bit more confidence about actually Trying It rather than just Thinking About It, Wishing They Were Referred To With Other Pronouns As Well
and while he/him is still okay at the time pema goes out of her way to use other pronouns, and it makes them very happy. its like yeah!!! that’s them!!!!! and best of all pema Gets It when it comes to gender euphoria and that being the most solidifying factor in picking apart their experiences
pema offers to do a small “i’ll make up some sentences and use other pronouns for you in them” because that’s something she asked her friends to do for her when she first came out and it helped a bit :”)
skfsjks tenzin agrees and Does Not regret it because there is a lot of Very Good Feelings that come from the whole “that’s tenzin, they are my spouse. she’s an airbender, and a talented one at that. xe is a very good parent” spiel 
and after tenzin comes out as nonbinary pema starts relating a lot of the experiences they describe with similar ones she has had to them as “yeah so that’s a trans thing, actually.”
tenzin is like “i just like this cloak because i’m already really tall but fuck you if you wanna know what i look like beyond that” and pema’s like... oh, trans mood
it feels Incredibly Validating
the first few times tenzin wears robes more like pema’s, she starts breaking out the compliments as casually as she can like!!! hell yeah wear whatever u want
it’s unfortunate tenzin has a complicated relationship with compliments in general but it’s coming from their wife... from pema.. who lovely and is trans... ❤︎❤︎ like yeah okay thank u i love u
pema asks one day if she can do tenzin’s make and offers to teach them if that is something they end up interested in... and they’re kind of unsure about it but agree because it’s with pema, and they trust her
it’s... okay. the makeup itself is fine!! pema is pretty good with it, it’s just... really not their thing. 
pema notices the mood shift but how are they even supposed to Explain This. “it’s really nice and u did a good job but also i kind of don’t like it because now i am thinking about my gender and how my face just kinda Looks and i don’t like that ❤︎”????
and pema is like... well if it makes u dysphoric u can always wash it off
tenzin is like.... dysphoric... that is indeed a word...
it doesn’t last long but pema sympathizes and checks in with them again after a little bit, which tenzin appreciates fdjkrwe they feel kind of silly for not recognizing what that was at all but it’s fine
so.. yeah ❤︎ pema is a trans woman and tenzin is nonbinary and they are both very happy :)
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denkilightning · 4 years
Text
trans bakusquad headcanons
(written by a transmasc person)
First their ✨gender flavors✨:
denki (afab): transmasc enby (he they), katsuki (afab): trans boy (he), hanta (amab): genderqueer (they, later +she he), mina (amab): genderfluid (any pron), eijirou (afab): trans boy (he); [additionally kyouka (afab): nonbinary (they)]
the first to come out was hanta and they were very stressed cus their dad almost killed them the first time they came out
imagine their surprise when denki just went "oh wait thats?? a coming out????" and hanta goes "yes???" and denkis just "oh cool. name, prons and identity?" and mina just goes "if u have one. its perfectly valid if you dont have it figured out" and katsuki adds "also alright if youd like to not be referred to at all" and hanta just starts happy crying cus its so fucking easy??? so they tell their name and prons and that theyre genderqueer
and then they realised "wait- some of you are trans too?" and every single one of them goes "yes" and they all laugh and eijirou reminds them that if they want to change some things up or try some new terms the squad is there to support them and apologies for misgendering them before
and then the topic changes and they just go on their day
and thats how they all came out
denki realized he was trans when he was three. that is, when his sense of gender has developed (scientifically speaking, the sense of gender identity shows up around three years old) and since his older sister was trans too
his parents asked him what name would he like to have (his parents were incredibly smart but,, they were also dumbasses) and he just went 'blip!! electricity!!!' so they were like 'uh okay? how about denki? it means electricity in japanese!' 'kay'
and that is peak enby culture. im still thinking about changing my name to 'rock rock' and fleeting to australia or new zealand
katsuki doesn't bind!!! he trains and sweats too much to wear one!!!!! he just wears sports bras!!!! and honestly so good for him!!!!!
eijirou never really minded femininity and stuff but he just really really really like 'manly' stuff. his love for crimson riot only deepened that and on of his moms went 'maybe youd like to be a boy honey?' and he just went ':O i can???' 'if you feel like it?' ':D!!!' and he got his binder and started T before entering ua
mina doesnt really know her gender... if she were to describe it shed describe it as like a holograph itll always look different. they experimented with terms throughout middle school and high school. he just threw genderfluid sprinkles in like the 3rd year and went 'yeah thats cool'
bakugou manspreads to assert domination against weak cis boys
mina makes them all pride merch!!!
denki took blockers all his life so he has absolutely no idea how period feels, he jsut knows biologically-wise what it is and that it can hurt more than a fucking heart attack
so he freaks out when katsuki gets his period at school. the rest of the squad freaks out too. if not eijirou theyd all be dead
from that time denki carries all the period stuff in his backpack and always has an extra in his locker
squad in skirts? squad in skirts
'on wednesdays we wear skirts cus gender roles are for ugly people'
denki doesnt really like dresses but hes cool with skirts, especially paired with his martens so in consequence their skirt days turn out to be way more punk than expected
denki is v v v non passing so he looks like a soft butch lesbian most of times
he likes the way he looks but that gets many people hitting on him who think hes a girl. he doesnt mind, he always makes sure to send the cute and nice ones to mina though
they have a huge ass weighted blanket with a trans flag on it, and the whole squad fits there
denki hanta and minas hobby is confusing cis people
gender comforming? never heard of her
denki once said jesus is a trans man and hanta, a half portuguese catholic, cannot get this out of their head
anyway theyre all trans fight me
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harleyhua-archive · 3 years
Text
it’s elle again! took me longer than I thought it would, but i’m here with the bio of my second son, harley. he’s my newest oc; i’ve had him for about a year, but i didn’t get to rp much during that time. i’m fluent in asl, so harley has a special place in my heart. usually my gifs that include him signing won’t actually match the signs up to what he’s saying, but this one does. he’s signing ‘hello, my name is....’ so it felt like an appropriate intro post.
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[ chella man, genderqueer trans man, 21, he/him ] did you see who just walked in? it was that JUNIOR, the ╳ + HARDWORKING AND  - DISORGANIZED ╳  one? you know, the one who lives at SONTHENA HALL, HARLEY HUA! i heard they are majoring in ART and they can’t wait to get out of here to BECOME AN ILLUSTRATOR.  crap! stop staring, here they come!
name. harley hua hometown. detroit, mi major. art (illustration) birthday. may 27th, 2000 gender. trans man, genderqueer orientation. pansexual religion. jewish languages. english, asl, some cantonese and french hobbies. cheerleading, drawing, comic books
[ BIO ] [ tw. gender dysphoria ]
harley was born hard of hearing, although it wasn’t discovered until he was six. his audiologist discouraged his parents from teaching him sign, saying he would stop talking and stunt his language skills, so he grew up using his hearing aid and filling in the gaps with lipreading.
his yearly hearing tests showed he was gradually going deaf. he kept getting stronger hearing aids and being able to catch less and less of what was happening around him. the expectation was that he would get better at reading lips, but that only got him so far (only 30% of the English language is visible on the mouth!)
he had been a social kid, but he slowly withdrew into art. there, he could create anything he wanted. he often drew superheroes, or just ‘regular’ civilians (usually men). for a few years, harley took a sketch book and at least three graphic pencils everywhere he went.
in middle school, harley was eligible for a cochlear implant. his parents urged for him to get implanted, but decided to let him make the decision himself. he found a way to compromise with them; he agreed to get the surgery, but in exchange his parents agreed to pay for him and his brother to take ASL classes.
once activated, the implant was an immediate change. the world sounded different through it than what harley remembered, but he could understand his teachers and classmates better than he had in a very long time. he was able to join in again, and went from the kid scribbling in a notebook alone to being very outgoing. once he was able to use an ASL interpreter in classes, his confidence and grades shot up.
in high school, harley was very popular. it didn’t take long for his friends to give him a makeover, convincing him to throw out his baggy tshirts and most of his jeans, in favor of more feminine pieces. mini skirts, heels and crop tops (at least, when he could sneak them past his parents). he grew out his short hair to better hide his cochlear implants, smiling and nodding when he couldn’t keep up in conversations instead of drawing attention to his deafness. for the first time in his life he fit in, and he didn’t want to remind people that he was different.
(tw: dysphoria) but something was different, and it wasn’t his cochlear implants or the fact he was one of the only asian kids at his predominately white high school. something about the way he looked bothered him. he would often stare at himself in the mirror, and he knew the girl staring back at him in the mirror was pretty, but he couldn’t connect with ‘her’. she felt like a completely different person, almost like a mask he wore despite not understanding why he ‘needed’ to wear it or why he felt so numb to his own body.
the huas weren’t really hurting for money, but sending two teenagers to college only a year apart would be tough for any family. harley didn’t want to put that kind of stress on his parents, so he focused on cheerleading scholarships. he toured suffolk because it has one of the best cheer programs in the country. it was a dream school, but he doubted they’d want him on their team, let alone offer him enough money that he could afford to attend. yet that’s exactly what happened, so harley accepted and moved to boston.
during his freshman year of college, he realized nobody cared what he looked like in college. many of his classmates showed up to lectures in their pajamas. he started experimenting with his clothes, trading out the feminine pieces he’d been wearing for the past four years and wearing the things he wanted to; androgynous and masculine pieces. at first he wasn’t so sure why it made him happy, he just knew it did.
(tw: dysphoria) harley had never paid much attention to the trans community. he certainly never thought of himself as trans or genderqueer. sure, he often felt like an alien stuck in someone else’s body, but he assumed that was normal - something every girl secretly felt. after joining his college’s gsa and meeting trans people for the first time and hearing their stories, it began to click. harley came out towards the end of his freshman year of college, and started transitioning a few months later. his parents didn’t try to stop him, but it’s clear they don’t understand. a small part of harley is bothered by this, but he doesn’t let it get him down. it took a long time for them to accept he was deaf, too, but they eventually came around. they’re just slow to accept changes. between that and their refusal to learn ASL, harley isn’t on the best of terms with them, but he doesn’t stop to let this get to him. 
overall harley is a very happy kid. he’s at his dream college, living his best life and preparing for the future he’s wanted since he was a kid
[ HEADCANONS ]
not wanting to take much money from his parents, harley works as a bartender three days a week at a popular bar near campus
if he’s not at work or in class, he’s either practicing cheer, working out at the student rec center, or at one of two coffee shops (one being the starbucks in his building, the other being an independent mom-and-pop cafe not far from campus)
he’s basically a jock villager from animal crossing. as stated before, he’s really into cheerleading. since getting his top surgery last summer he’s fallen in love with swimming. he also lifts weights and goes running a couple times a week with nadia.
harley is very busy, and his schedule is constantly fluctuating between working late nights and practices at any time of day. he’s pretty much always sleep deprived, and lives on an insane amount of coffee (he doesn’t like energy drinks).
harley’s preferred method of communication is asl. he uses interpreters in class and is involved with the deaf community in boston. but since most people on the squad only know a limited amount of sign, and other people he knows on campus don’t know the language at all, he often relies on the combination of his cochlear implant and lipreading to communicate. if he can’t hear with his cochlear implant (dead battery, too much background noise, etc) he won’t be able to understand enough by reading lips. but on the other hand, if he’s using his implant to communicate, watching the other person’s mouth helps him fill in the blanks.
[ WANTED CONNECTION ]
teammate // they do cheer together, so they spend a lot of time with each other
asl friends // harley prefers asl, so it would be great for him to have people to sign with!
regular customer // your character hangs out at the bar harley works at. conversely, they’re a bariste at one of the cafes harley is at multiple times a day
workout buddies // they lift weights together
rainbow family // in the queer community, they say you make your own family. harley doesn’t have a great relationship with his parents, and his brother is attending school on the west coast, so harley could use some lgbtq+ family in boston
comic book nerds // harley loves comic books. they were a major escape for him growing up and how he got into drawing in the first place. so maybe your character is also really into comic books, or they just share a passion for the mcu movies
[ FINAL NOTES ]
That’s all I got, but I’m open to almost anything with him. Looking forward to getting to explore him more here!
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Text
If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Sixty
If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag
March 20th, 2002
Emile redid the math, looking over the numbers over and over again. It was possible. He’d have to be smart about investing money to get the extra funds he needed, and he’d have to skimp and save every last penny he could, but by the end of the year, he’d be able to buy a shop. If Remy agreed, they could make it so he could start his own shop. Emile would buy the property, but the rest could be all Remy’s.
There was the matter of getting this done without Remy being the wiser, however. If Remy caught on to what Emile was doing he’d insist that Emile save the money for something else. But if he got Remy to save his money, and Emile saved his own, they could do this. They could get Remy an epic origin story that rivalled the greats in the comics.
  April 11th, 2002
Emile checked the time he had left on the computer at the library. It wasn’t a whole lot, but it should be enough. He had been looking into this off and on for months, saving away most of his extra funds that didn’t go to dates purely to fund this crazy adventure. He googled private investigators in the area, looking around to make sure Remy wasn’t nearby. He opened his email account and looked through the listings, finding the one he had looked up before and found good reviews from. He copied the investigator’s email address into the computer and composed a quick email, asking about discreteness and the rate that the guy charged.
He knew it might take a couple days for the guy to get back to him, so he logged off the computer and blew out a breath. He doubted the man would say no, and he had a good record of finding people who had supposedly dropped off the face of the Earth. But Emile still worried. After all, PI’s could get very expensive very quickly, and Emile didn’t have access to his trust fund until the third of May.
Determination still drove him to send the email, though. Emile knew that this could work. It might take a while, but it could be done. If anyone could find Toby, it was this Dice character. He had a good eye, and he knew how to use it to find a trail. The reviews Emile had found said as much, at any rate.
He walked out of the computer room with a sigh. He could come back tomorrow and see if Dice had replied, but Emile wished he didn’t have to wait in limbo.
Remy bounded over to him with excitement in his eyes, and Emile smiled. Remy was growing bouncier as time went on. The holidays were mere memories by this point, there were no huge, groundbreaking milestones to stress either of them out, it was just...quiet. They were free to be weird, to be excited, to be however they wanted. And Remy seemed to get bouncy whenever he found something he particularly liked, which tended to be a new recipe book, or an idea for coffee that Remy had never considered before. Sure, he would still get excited over comics, but there weren’t too many comics at the library, so Emile suspected it was one of the former things that had Remy hyped up. “What did you find this time, Rem?” Emile asked with a good-natured laugh.
“I found a book on the history of the uses of caffeine in the science section!” Remy exclaimed, dragging Emile to his table. “It’s super cool!”
“Since when do you browse the science section?” Emile asked.
“Since I was bored looking at mystery novels, wandered around, and ended up there. My eyes found this, and I’ve been taking a look through it, and it’s amazing! Did you know that caffeine is actually supposed to be a poison? That’s why you can’t feed it to animals! Humans are just weird enough that we can consume it and not get hurt!” Remy’s eyes lit up like fireworks on the fourth of July. “Like, science and history? Usually not my thing, if I go into nonfiction usually it means I’m looking for recipes, but this is so cool! Coffee beans have been used for centuries, if not millenia! How crazy is that?! Coffee comes all the way from Ethiopia, and now it’s used all over the world! It’s...I just...it’s so cool, Emile!”
“I know that,” Emile said, grinning. “Purely by your enthusiasm. I’ve never seen you this excited, not even over comics!”
“I never got to learn interesting things in school,” Remy said. “Even in college, I knew everything they were teaching me, but I never knew about this stuff before!”
Emile just nodded along patiently. “You know, if I had known you’d get this excited about learning things you wanted to learn about, I would have insisted we make regular trips to the library forever ago. Do you want to make them weekly, now?”
Remy’s eyes were wide. “Oh, could we? I doubt this is the only book about this sort of thing here, I bet I could find all sorts of cool stuff in the history section, and learn how they used to use coffee and the like in Ye Olden Times, maybe improve or work on some of those ideas until I can make them function, do you have any idea how cool that would be?!”
“It would be amazing,” Emile said with a laugh. “You know, though, you might have to save more of your money if you want to experiment with that sort of thing. We might not go out on so many dates.”
“I don’t care,” Remy breathed. “If I saved money, I could discover dozens of new recipes with good ingredients! I could almost open my own shop if I figured out those sorts of things!”
“That would be amazing,” Emile said with a grin. “Just remember, you don’t want to save up just enough to experiment and then not have any extra funds to repeat what you did and get that good sort of food again!”
“Yeah, yeah,” Remy agreed. “I’ll probably be saving up for several months, just to be sure.”
“Yeah, like...hold off until around...say, six months from now? Then experiment to your heart’s content. And don’t forget to keep track of what works and what doesn’t!” Emile said.
“I know, Emile, it’s my system,” Remy said, grinning.
“I know you know, but a reminder never hurts,” Emile said with a shrug. “Anyway, I’ve done what I came to do, papers are finished, research is done, and I even got to send out a couple emails to friends. You ready to go?”
“Yeah, sure,” Remy said, closing the book and leaving it on the table.
They walked out into the parking lot and Emile laughed as it started to rain. “April showers,” he said.
“We live in the city, Emile, how many May flowers can there possibly be?” Remy asked.
Emile shrugged. “The first half of the rhyme applies, at least,” he said. “Still want to head to the shelter today?”
“Can we at least drive and park nearby? I don’t want to get absolutely drenched in the walk from home there, and then dry off only to get drenched again on the walk back,” Remy said.
Emile rolled his eyes up in thought and his fingers twitched. “I’m not sure what parking lots are near the shelter, do you know?”
“Yeah, I know a couple,” Remy said.
“Cool,” Emile said, tossing Remy the car keys and getting in.
Remy fell into the driver’s seat and he stuck the keys in the ignition, but he didn’t move beyond that. Emile glanced over. “You good, Rem?”
“Yeah,” Remy said, starting to life and starting the car. “Just thinking.”
“About anything in particular?” Emile asked.
Remy turned slightly red. “Toby,” he admitted. “I’m just wondering what he would think about me doing these sort of things with you. If he’d approve.”
“Why wouldn’t he?” Emile asked.
Remy sighed. “For all his protection and love, he still sometimes doesn’t understand certain things. Like, he gave me ‘The Talk’ when I told him I was gay. But he’d still make jokes in poor taste about gay or trans people. He understands that homeless people aren’t all homeless just because they’re lazy and can’t find a job, but he’s not proactive when it comes to helping them. He’s...not our parents, but he has some bad habits. Don’t get me wrong, I still love him! And he’s definitely gotten better the few times I would take him aside and explain why he shouldn’t say certain things. Fact remains that he’s got some views that aren’t...up to date.”
Emile didn’t know how to respond to that. Did that mean that Toby was actually like Remy’s parents? Did he hurt Remy, but Remy was so wrapped up in the fact that Toby kept him physically safe that he disregarded any emotional damage? “Do you think he’s capable of change? Realistically speaking.”
“Hm? Oh, yeah,” Remy agreed. “I’ve seen him change myself. From constantly making gay jokes when he was a kid to showing me compassion when I came out, all because one or two of his friends wound up being gay. He’s capable of change, for sure. He just...doesn’t always think about whether or not he should change if something doesn’t immediately affect him or the people he cares about. He’s not like my parents, Emile.”
“I never said he was,” Emile said.
Remy glanced at him. “I know you were thinking about it, though. It’s not a big deal, you’re concerned for me and you didn’t directly call Toby a bad person. You checked to make sure he wasn’t like my parents before making a decision. I appreciate that.”
Emile nodded. “Of course. I try not to make snap judgements about people, but I did realize I made more snap judgements than I thought, especially when we talked about your parents. Now, I try and make it a point to gather information to make an informed decision, rather than just listening to one side of the story and making plans and expressing feelings based only on that.”
“Huh,” Remy said. “You’re capable of change, too. Nice to know.”
“Did you think I wasn’t?” Emile asked, confused.
“Not particularly,” Remy said, “But it’s always nice to have confirmation.”
Emile nodded, and when Remy parked in a lot that was just a block from the shelter, Emile arched his eyebrows. “I didn’t realize this lot was that close,” he said.
“This may be a city, Emile, but it’s a small one. I know my way around it pretty well,” Remy said, getting out of the car.
Emile grabbed Remy’s hand as they walked to the shelter. “One of the many things I love about you,” Emile said. “You’re incredibly smart.”
“I’m not,” Remy said, turning red. “I know how to use a checkbook, but that’s about it.”
“You’re smart with numbers, and with food, and you enjoy learning, just not conventionally,” Emile said. “You’re sharp, Rem, don’t sell yourself short.”
“Look, Emile, I can’t make a career out of any of those things. And before you mention there are lots of jobs where you need to be good with numbers, I’m not becoming an accountant.”
Emile laughed. “I wasn’t going to suggest that,” he said. “You’d die of boredom doing someone else’s financials within weeks. And I like you alive, thank you very much.”
Remy shook his head with a grin. “I don’t know what you see in me, Emile.”
“A brilliant man with a heart of gold who just has a little problem with expressing himself,” Emile said. “Someone who cares for people once he gets to know them, but is also pragmatic in how, exactly, he goes about helping those in need of advice. You make sure that you’re taken care of before you help others, and you keep my bleeding heart in check. You’re my partner in crime, my partner in general, and I couldn’t be happier about that fact.”
Remy was as red as a tomato and he groaned. “Emile,” he complained. “I can’t be blushing when we get to the shelter, it’ll ruin my cool image!”
Emile laughed. “Rem, since when have you ever had a cool image there? You may be the top chef, but all the kids know you’re smitten for me, the adults know that you can help with financials and will at the drop of a hat if they merely ask. They know you’re nice.”
“Nice and cool are not mutually exclusive,” Remy retorted. “The kids have called me cool before, but if I show up with a huge blush over my face, they might see through the ruse!”
“And what would they see if they saw through it?” Emile asked.
“A gay disaster,” Remy deadpanned.
Emile burst out laughing. Remy always knew exactly what to say.
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fourdaysofrain · 4 years
Text
Self-Made Man
Summary: A Trans!Tony Stark AU. 
(Lengthy, personal author’s note below the cut, if you’re interested.)
Natasha Marie Stark was born twelve minutes before midnight on May 29th, 1970. She weighed a healthy seven pounds and two ounces when she arrived. She was the most beautiful thing that either of her parents had ever seen. And she was screaming loud enough to scare the pigeons from the trees outside.
Read on AO3
Well, hey everyone. It’s been a handful of months since I’ve been on here. I want to apologize for being gone, but that feels kind of phony. I don’t know. I missed this, though. I can tell you that much. I still checked my notifications every once in a while. It made me really glad to see people still commenting on my fics or passing my links around. Love y’all. 
I guess it’s about time that I tell you that I’m trans. I have been this whole time. To answer a few quick questions, I first knew sometime in late high school, but it was always kind of in the background my whole life, I just didn’t know how to isolate the feeling. I started socially transitioning (i.e. dressing male, coming out, going by he/him) after my high school graduation, and I started HRT (Horomone replacement therapy, that means I inject myself with testosterone weekly. .33mL subcutaneously into my tummy, if you’re curious) on Oct. 12, 2018. So it’s been almost two years since, and I’ve been completely passing as a man for quite a while. Ass-crack hair, sweat, and all. 
This is a pretty personal fic for me, given the nature of it. I’ve wanted to write it for a long time, and I’ve actually had words in the Google Doc since January. It took a lot of long nights to write. It helped that I was back home. I always have an easier time tapping into Trans Emotions when I’m in my home town, for better or for worse. All the memories and relationships I formed pre-transition follow me like ghosts. 
I’m leaving for college in two days, conversationally. 
I see a lot of trans!Peter Parker fics. I’m not dissing them, I love them to bits. But it makes me wonder why fandom is so quick to headcanon Peter as trans instead of one of the other characters. He’s petite, has a higher voice, and has softer features than the other male cast members. I feel like those attributes definitely play a role. It can be easy to see trans men as “uwu soft bois”, or as Men Lite, or as a more palatable version of “normal” (that is to say, cis) men. Those ideas are often flawed and based on transphobic foundations. The reality is, trans men (and by extension, all trans people) have the ability to be indiscernible from their cis counterparts. Everyone likes to think they can pick trans people out from a crowd, but you’d be surprised how quickly I started being read as male. Androcentrism for the win, I guess. 
I won’t be entirely pessimistic. I understand that people my age project onto Peter (I am by no means exempt from that), and that there’s a greater number of young trans people than old, due to a series of depressing reasons. But I still wanted to try a different take on a trans character. 
My experience as a trans man is vastly different than the one I write about here. If anything, I’m closer to fandom’s idea of trans!Peter. My parents were accepting, I had the financial and social means to transition relatively early, and I can fly under the radar easily. The most important difference is the time period. 
I don’t know a lot about the trans experience of the 80s and 90s, which is what Tony would have gone through. I know of one single trans man who began his transition back then, one of the gender studies professors at my university. Even then, he’s from Canada, which I’m assuming has an entirely different culture around trans lives. There aren’t many older trans men. It’s depressing. There’s a lot of reasons for this. I don’t want to get too deep into them, because it only makes me feel sad. The final scene in this fic is extremely self-indulgent with regards to this. I wrote what I needed to hear. 
That’s not to say I don’t relate at all to what I wrote. There are themes that are almost universal for the trans experience. I hope you can parse those out here.
I also wanted to talk about how I showed the change from “Natasha” to Tony. In the early stages of this fic’s development, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to openly say Tony’s deadname (the name trans people are given at birth, and often, but not 100% of the time, change as a part of their transition), but I soon realized that it would make the story much clearer with the inclusion of it. If you’re wondering, I got the name from Earth-3490, where Tony is born a woman (and marries Steve, lol). I chose to show the change between the two with the use of past tense for the first half of the fic, and switching to present for Tony’s life. Often times, it feels like that when you transition. You start living in present tense. 
I also want to make it clear that transitioning isn’t as simple as shown here. From the beginning of mapping out this fic, I was stressed about “Oh, how will he be able to graduate as Tony if he doesn’t start transitioning until after he gets to college,” and “How will Howard react to him coming out?” and “How will he have a playboy persona if he isn’t able to have sex with someone without them knowing?” and a zillion other ideas. It was very freeing for me to let go of some of these obstacles and leave it up to the reader to decide. I alluded to some of the solutions that I came up with, but for the most part, I glossed over the paperwork and bureaucracy aspect to transitioning. But in real life, there are countless red tapes you have to cut for even the simplest of actions. I went to the state court to change my name and sex in March of 2019, and I still have cards in my wallet with my deadname. I had a consult with a plastic surgeon for top surgery (the colloquial name for the double mastectomy that trans men often go through to masculinize their chests. If you’re wondering, genital reconstruction surgery is normally called bottom surgery to mirror this) last December, and I still don’t have a date set. It took me a few months to start T, and I only got it so easily because I went through my unviersity, which does informed consent. Some places have to have proof of 6 months of social transitioning and a letter from a therapist. There is a lot of medical gate keeping in the trans community. I don’t know what I would have done had my parents not been accepting enough to help me through the processes. I am extremely thankful for their support. 
But it’s a lot easier to write about transition happening smoothly. Money helps, which I don’t touch on a lot in this fic, but oh my God, does money help. I’m lucky enough to be able to afford my ~$20 a month T prescription (which I will be taking until the end of my days, likely), and I’m in the process of saving for top surgery. Thankfully with Tony, I can just presto most of the problems away because he’s canonically a billionaire. Eat the rich, folks.
There’s also the intersection with race that is very impactful for trans people, as it is for everyone. Both Tony and I are white, which gives us societal privileges that trans people of color don’t have access to. As well as the fact that transitioning from female to male is a much different experience than transitioning from male to female. We don’t experience trans misogyny, which is a special kind of misogyny specifically related to trans women. (Think of old sitcoms where the joke is that it’s a man dressed in women’s clothing, and that’s what makes it funny. That’s a fairly tame example of trans misogyny. It gets ugly fast.) 
I’m veering dangerously off-topic, but it’s important to talk about. It’s easy for white trans people (and LGBT people as a whole, I suppose) to distance themselves from talking about white privilege or male privilege because they aren’t straight and/or cis. But it’s important to recognize that while we may face unique oppression, we also still benefit from historical white supremacist and patriarchal structures present today in society. 
Sorry, not sorry for getting political. And if I haven’t said it on here, Black lives matter. Of course. 
If you end up having trans-related questions, I want to be a resource for you. Seriously, I’m narcissistic and love talking about myself I don’t mind helping you understand the trans experience. I can’t promise that I know everything, but I also have my own group of trans friends who might know what I don’t, and we can learn together. 
Again, love y’all. Thank you for the continued support you give me. I can’t promise that I’ll go back to my normal level of activity on here, but I might dip my feet back in the pool. <3
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arks-self-ship · 4 years
Text
I’ve mentioned before I cannot stop thinking about Nighty cause my brain is like “holy fuck we’ve been together roughly 6 years” so here’s a rough timeline of us
Please note this is our world life, and is very different from my real life and my experiences have been different. Some pieces have changed over the years to fit who I am (especially with my transition). Some details will vary on occasion but Nighty is the only one who I have an actual guideline for us
(Huge lore dump below)
2014- first meet, I was new to the institute and wasn’t really good at fighting and had trouble making friends with everyone. Kurt asked for my help setting up a prank on Jean cause I happened to be walking by and we started talking and found out we shared an interest in games and listened to a lot of the same music. Ended up being good friends and I started hanging out with him and kitty quite a bit, but wasn’t real close with the rest of the team because of how shy I was. Already knew I was a guy and had hormone blockers and a binder, my uniform had a compressor which was a lot safer and ended up wearing that under my clothes sometimes instead. Wasn’t yet ready to cut my hair to short yet. Depression had started before I even joined the team and was dealing with a  lot of personal stuff. The professor had helped me change my name legally before even joining which was nice
2015- Starting opening up to the team and getting closer with everyone and made some friends at school who were Kurt’s friends but didn’t really have any friends of my own yet. Was getting a lot better at fighting and getting a handle on my powers, and discovered I could use emotional energy to create real bursts later in the year. Started getting really into my art around this time too. Kurt was apparently starting to question his sexuality too but tried not to think about it. Came out to Kurt that I was trans at this point, later in the year told Kitty too. 
Around the middle of the year Kurt kissed me for the first time, we had just been hanging out in my room laying on my bed talking honestly about ourselves and having a nice conversation about our lives. I was caught off guard and didn’t kiss back and he panicked and teleported away. It was a couple days before we really had a chance to be alone and I kissed him back finally, and we ended up talking for a long time about what this meant for us. We ended up being like “We’re still best friends, but now there’s some new stuff to that”, and Kurt wasn’t ready to come out yet so we dated secretly and only Kitty knew. Kurt identified as Bi for a time while he sorted out his feelings but ended up realizing he was just gay late in the year. I was still ace but knew i was bi-romantic
2016- The Professor was really helpful and said he would help pay for any transitioning I wanted to do, as long as I did my best on the team and in school. Ended up telling the rest of the team one by one that I was trans, not everyone really got it but they were supportive and nice about it. Really started to get better at my powers and finally cut my hair real short and had a mohawk for a bit until I settled for an undercut later in the year. Made some friend’s of my own who tended to be the “scary kids” but were actually super chill and played a lot of video games. Ended up getting top surgery as soon as I could.
Same year mutantkind got exposed to the world and I had trouble going back to school with that going on and my depression hit hard, but Kurt was there to help. My new friends thought it was super cool I had powers tho and were a nice support system
Early in the year we had accidentally gotten caught kissing by Toad, who I ended up making him swear to secrecy under the threat of beating the shit out of him. Turns out, he was gay too! So as long as he didn’t tell anyone about us we wouldn’t tell anyone about him, but we ended up on pretty decent terms with him later on. Later though R/ogue borrowed Kurt’s powers in a fight and learned we were dating, but she also promised not to tell anyone. We were also pretty sure Logan, the professor and Jean all knew but weren’t sure (they did)
2017- Pretty chill year, until towards the end where me and Kurt got caught kissing at school by a kid we didn’t know and the news spread through the school really fast. It was really rough on him, but I ended up bringing him into my new non-mutant friend group cause they were mostly queer too. The team learning about it was… awkward to say the least but they we’re pretty chill about it. Because of this Kurt ended up coming out to his parents when he went home for Christmas that year right before he came back. It was rough at first and they didn’t really get it but were the awkward kind of supportive. I mean their kid was already blue and teleported, being gay wasn’t that shocking.
Me and Kurt had gotten really serious around this time, and were talking about our future together, but we were avoiding talking about college because we were scared we’d want to go separate places and long distance was really scary
2018- Senior year was rough for both of us, my grades were doing terribly and the depression didn’t help and everyone knowing about us being together and being mutants was really not helping. If we didn’t have each other I don’t think we could have made it through it, and I probably would have dropped out. I barely graduated but only because Jean helped tutor me and secretly some of my friends did some of the work for me so I could focus on things that were more of a priority. Graduating was so nice, but I suffered severe burnout that summer, and did nothing almost the entire time. Kurt also got an upgraded holowatch at this time that didn’t constantly break on him and was way more durable. I also figured out how to make the emotional energy take shape, easiest things are simple objects and its usually weapons (Swords, bats, bow, ect)
A couple things with our relationship did happen though, that Christmas I went to go meet Kurt’s family. They were super nice, but really awkward and it was nice to get away for a bit. While we were there we ended up finally talking about college and our plans. I knew I wanted to learn psychology and Kurt still wasn’t sure of his plans, but we ended up deciding to do the community college to get our general classes done first and that would buy us more time to figure things out.
2019- Took a gap year together and ended up traveling together across the country in a van. It was a great way to de-stress from everything and finally get a break from being superheroes too. The whole thing brought us a lot closer and Kurt tried to propose at one point while we were traveling, I ended up saying no but in a more of a “Not yet” kind of way, because of how young we are. We talked about it, and agreed we would get engaged when we were a bit older but we kept the rings as promise rings for that one day when we would try that again. We also ended up getting our hair streaks not long before we went back to the institute as a surprise for everyone, plus we thought it was cute.
Please note that the continuity of if there is a virus in this AU shifts based on what I’m feeling for the day cause sometimes I wanna daydream about going out 😔
2020- oh my god this year has been crazy, we started college together and finally being able to be out has been so nice. Or it was until ya know… we got hit with a plague (yup we have that here too) and have mostly been doing classes online which is a shame. We were both looking forward to campus life and being locked in the institute all the time is a nightmare, especially with all the new students that we’ve been roped into helping teach… But hey, hopefully things will be getting better soon!
2020 revised- This year has been wild, there’s so many new kids at the institute now! The professor keeps roping us in to help teach. Being back on the team though is super nice! Although we do have a new member, Laura, who Logan just apparently brought out of nowhere even tho she was the girl who attacked us a couple years back? She’s kinda odd but she’s trying her best (I think…). College has been interesting, some of my friends ended up moving away but some stayed in town which it’s been nice having classes with them.
Some things have stayed the same in both versions tho!
Kurt’s birth mom (M//ystique) has finally been working to turn over a new leaf. She’s definitely not a good guy but she’s not working with the bad guys anymore? Which i guess is progress?? She’s been trying to reconnect with Kurt and R/ogue, it’s been slow cause R/ogue doesn’t want anything to do with her really but Kurt’s talked to her a few times and they’ve gotten lunch a couple times. I guess after the apocalypse thing it kinda made her think about things, and then Kurt and me being gone for so long kinda made her really reconsider things.
It seems most of the brotherhood is still in town tho, which has caused some problems and they have a couple new members too which has been… a problem. M//agneto has been laying low though, which has been nice so the brotherhood hasn’t done anything to bad.
Being back at the school is kinda nice though, I missed being around my friends and luckily the school has had renovations and expansions so there’s more rooms and the senior/core team rooms have their own bathrooms! Which, holy shit is so nice…
Who knows what the future holds for us, but as long as we’re together I know we’ll be fine
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