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#just a few to get to know the boys pre death and also about bobby and what happened the night thry died
suncaptor · 10 months
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hi! i hope you don't mind me asking, but i need a certified opinion on sam winchester and you seemed like the person to go to :D
could you rec me some good sam-centric fic & character studies? preferably for early seasons or pre-series?
i'm showing spn to a friend and they like sam a lot, but we are both. somewhat afraid to go into the tag lol. so I figured you could have something nice bookmarked or there's maybe a rec list i dont know about.
thanks!
Okay I actually mostly read later seasons Sam stuff (or at least s5+) because the more trauma the better <3 but here are some that are either sam studies that include earlier stuff or earlier/preseries (like kripke era)
DO check trigger warnings! since these are (mostly) pre hell (and I would not read w*) they aren't as bad as some of the sam & lucifer fics I'd share, but some still have different potentially triggering themes (like addiction, suicide, etc, so please just be careful! I'm assuming you can check the tags on ao3 <3)
also some are 18+, not sure your age but I don't personally want my followers talking to me about nsfw content if they are minors. so be wary around that too, but they're all outer links so ao3 will have them rated/stop you etc.
Sam w/ OCD rec list & my old Sam rec list
samjess
Sunlight by sp8ce, samjess
The first time Sam tastes blood it's human blood, and it feels like shame and the closest he has been to truly human wrapped up in one. He's never been so safe and in love. The second time it's electric and consuming. He has nothing left, but the desire to chase the power and hold on to the objective of revenge, only still connected at her touch. The third time, he's pretty sure it will kill him, burn him like purifying light from the inside out. --- An exploration of Sam and consuming blood. This work is the first time: with Jessica Moore.
also if you like samjess sp8ce has later seasons ghost samjess too&lt;3
sam & john
the type who doesn't burn by patrocluus
On a late October afternoon in 1997, John Winchester takes his son out into the woods and puts a bullet between his eyes.
make a mirror out of you by sp8ce - john kills jess (it's john pov though)
The thing about Jessica's death is that it makes Sa,m understand John more than anything else ever could and choose everything John's ever wanted Sam to choose. Azazel always seems to have John's silhouette.
sam / gen or multi
This Is the Way (The World Ends) by Lise
In Georgia hunting a skinwalker, Dean saw Sam. AU. Like, really.
Weblike Causality by sp8ce
Which came first? The fear or the inevitability?
instrument by sp8ce
Sam Winchester grasps with his own personhood.
Polaroid Sun Picture by sp8ce
Sam has been stalked his whole life in order to be manipulated into an instrument of his worst fears. He has no privacy to himself. He has no defence.
therefore I react by sp8ce
for a while, in the cage, all Sam sees is a tree.
(okay so I've tried to not give you any lucifer stuff but this one is a sam & learnt helplessness thesis for connecting past & present)
This Kid's Not Alright by safiyabat
What exactly did Sam get up to at Bobby's while Dean was at Sonny's? When John makes a very odd request of the older hunter, Bobby takes the boy into his home for a few months. It isn't an easy time for either of them.
the easy way out and the hardest part by queenbaskerville
Sam would rather die than be Lucifer's vessel. Lucifer will just resurrect him now, but there was a time before the seals were broken—a time before Sam broke the seals. To save the world, to save Dean—Sam knows what he has to do.
The Special Children by TheMightiestPen
After Dean reveals his Dad’s last words, he asks Sam to lay low for a while. This time, Sam says no. This time, Sam goes all in in his search for the other kids like him. S2 AU, for spnhiatuscreations on tumblr for week 5: favorite season.
sam & dean
Dear Abel by lowkey_existential_despair (it has samjess/early sam&dean basis okay)
It wasn’t always like this, is the thing. There used to be a time when caring about Dean was more than just a habit. There was a time, once, when seeing Dean with demon-black eyes would’ve been the worst thing in the world. But that was a long time ago. Now, he looks at this black-eyed version of Dean—wrapped in layers of chains, in pain, sobbing quietly—and he feels nothing. Nothing at all.
Purify by cenotaphy
"We know what happens when Sam drinks demon blood.
…but what happens when Sam drinks angel blood?"
Set at the end of season 4, before Sam gets out of the panic room.
Hell Fractal by sp8ce
Sam's last real memory is of Dean stabbing him after he let Lucifer out. Sam keeps, with varying levels of memory and awareness, waking up in the panic room. With Dean needing to kill him.
Man-in-the-middle by ambersock (who has some lovely fics <3)
Sam hears the driver’s side door open, hears footsteps approaching. He remembers that Dean still has Ruby’s demon-killing blade. Yet another voicemail fix-it.
The Choice by authoressnebula (authoressjean)
(this author has other early seasons sam&dean stuff)
One gun. One bullet. It's up to Sam and Dean to decide who will shoot the bullet…and who will die.
it’s not that i think i’m good, i know i’m evil by redskyatmorning
(author has good later seasons Sam stuff as well)
The conversation that leads up to Sam ending up in the panic room, again, to detox from demon blood.
Fade Far Away, Dissolve, and Quite Forget by Lise
You've seen isolation before, but not like this. It's not quite another hemisphere, but it's close enough.
Catharsis by BlueIris08
Sam copes with learning of Dean's promise to John in the classic Winchester way--with alcohol. Or, the drunken, angsty post-Croatoan/Hunted scene that didn't happen.
Don't Think Twice, It's All Right by WilsonTheMoose
In which Sam gets beaten up (rookie), Dean mentions the voicemail (idiot), and nothing really changes (figures). Fits into the first episode of season 5. For an anonymous prompt on tumblr asking for Dean hitting Sam in the earlier seasons. This is not quite what you wanted anon, sorry.
yeah, well, i don't want to by AreYouReady
He didn't do it on purpose. / Dean sabotages Jess's warding in pilot
Comets, Stars, Haunted Houses, and Other Things Best Observed from a Hundred Million Miles Away by occasionallyalways
See also: violent deaths; apologies; lightning. Or; Something happened in the panic room. Something went wrong. Dean finds out six years later.
sambrady
One to Save You by sp8ce
If Brady needs Sam, he'll be there immediately.
The Piece You're Missing by sp8ce
Brady can't seem to figure out why Sam won't give up on him. They have a conversation where he tries to dissect and understand why.
Out by TheMightiestPen (also sam&dean)
A god-possessed witch reveals a secret that Sam’s been keeping for a long time. The brothers handle it like mature, well-adjusted adults, for once.
sastiel
Grace (made perfect in weakness) by Sidewoundcore (CherryHollow)
After he is freed from the panic room, Castiel, rather than Ruby, is the first person to find Sam. In the end, it changes nothing at all.
atrophy & other stories by saintsurvivor
early seasons sastiel that is sam centric
Monster by Ginipig (voicemail fic so mostly sam&dean)
After everything that happened between him and Dean with the breaking of the final seal, Sam is having trouble moving on. Dean's weird, sort-of helpful angel friend wants to know why.
Not that it's any of his damned business.
Comfort by Never_x_Better
Sam's being tormented by Lucifer and Castiel just wants to help him. Nightmares, blood addiction, hallucinations, and fluff ends up leading the two friends down an interesting path.
Wishing Is Cold This Year by Lise
Dean has his head rather determinedly up his ass, so it falls to Castiel to take this one. Post 5.03ish.
what did you bury / before those hands pulled me from the earth? by starlightswait
It’s the strangest thing. Sam’s in the Cage. And then he’s not.
(technically post kripke but it's my favourite sastiel &lt;;3)
Ruby Red by sp8ce (also samruby but I don't read or write a lot of samruby)
An exploration of Sam and consuming blood. This work has Sam reminiscing on Ruby. He then has more blood forced upon him by some hunters who think they can purify him. (can be read standalone or in series)
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1mnobodywhoareyou · 5 months
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I can't believe I used to hate this chapter... I'M SO EXCITED TO SHARE IT!!! I hope y'all love it!
Chapter 10/16, preview below ⬇️ (yes, the chapter count went up!)
FIC WARNINGS: (take effect in ch 11) Original Character Death, Missing Child, Child Death, Drowning (heed all tags on ao3)
FIC SUMMARY: Julie and Reggie form a deep friendship after meeting through their brothers (“We’re FRIENDS! Stop making it weird!”). He and his friends (and bandmates) help bring her out of the fog of grief, reconnecting her with the music that she’d thought she’d lost with her mother. Over the course of a summer, the tables turn and Julie finds herself showing up for Reggie in ways that they could have never expected.
CHAPTER RELATIONSHIPS: Julie & Luke & Reggie & Alex & Bobby & Flynn, Julie & Flynn, Julie & Reggie, pre-Alex/Willie
CHAPTER OPENING SCENES:
After several very long, very extensive conversations, the boys decide to ask Ray if he would be willing to be their collective stand-in guardian until they were all of age and he agreed, with several conditions (including but not limited to Julie continuing to prioritize school and the boys maintaining their own moderate to good standings so that they could graduate). He also offered to reach out to some of Rose’s old contacts to hunt down a trusted lawyer and get a feel for how they felt about Andi and her label. Everything was falling into place.
After they agree to having Andi represent them, including Flynn as an integral part of their team, they’re planning for another showcase. And, it’s at the Orpheum.
Luke is diving deep into perfecting songs and set lists to keep himself distracted from how huge this is. Flynn expands their social media presence, their personal and the official band accounts. They’re recording and sharing behind the scenes content and sneak peak snippets of what they’re working on as well as promoting the upcoming show directly. Sunset Curve’s pre-existing fans overwhelmingly throw their support behind Julie and the Phantoms and the uploads of their two previous performances are doing incredibly well on YouTube. Julie, Reggie, Alex, and Bobby roll as best they can with everything the other two throw at them.
Before they know it, it’s time to load up and head over to the Orpheum. Up until now, their performances have all felt relatively low stakes and while they’re all trying to treat it just like any other gig, the tell-tale signs of their nerves are peeking through. Once they’ve made it through sound check, they wind up pacing, bouncing, and fidgeting in the green room and after only a few moments in their presence, Flynn snaps.
“Y’all need to chill the fuck out. You’re making ME nervous!”
Julie glares at them and they put their hands up in defense.
“You know I’m right. Go for a walk. Get some air! Something.”
Julie huffs out a breath but complies, gathering the guys and taking them outside for a breather. 
The fresh air and slight energy release helps and they manage to make it to the stage no worse for wear to put on a show they’ve come to expect from themselves.
The crowd absolutely loves them and Julie finishes the final notes of their final song with her arm raised in triumph and tears running down her face. The boys exchange concerned looks as they join her to bow, signaling the end of the set. She manages to get offstage before breaking down completely and the boys are right behind her to catch her before she collapses onto the floor. They look at one another over her head as they wrap her up into a group hug, uttering comforting phrases as they hold her.
Ray comes running backstage, “what happened? What’s wrong? Mija, are you ok?”
The boys back away, letting Ray see his daughter but they don’t stray too far. Reggie keeps his arms wrapped around her. She starts gulping for air through her sobbing. Ray rushes the rest of the way up to them and lowers himself to look her in the eyes. Or the close approximation of it, if they’d been open. 
“Julie, mija, can you hear me?” Ray asks her gently.
She nods.
He looks up at Reggie who nods at him and starts modeling deep breathing for her.
“Follow Reggie’s breaths,” Ray tells her and guides her through them verbally.
The first few are shaky but it doesn’t take long until her breathing is synced with Reggie’s.
“Can we take you to sit down?” Ray asks.
She clutches at Reggie’s shirt desperately.
“I won’t let you go,” Reggie whispers to her. “Promise.”
She nods then. The boys and Ray quickly glance around the space to see where they can take her. They’ve barely made it off the stage and are still in the wings. The boys are still hovering, concerned, but they know better than to get in anyone’s way and aren’t willing to leave Julie if they don’t have to.
“There!” Luke points to a set of speaker cases. 
Ray and Reggie slowly direct Julie toward them and Reggie guides her so that she’s sitting beside him on the largest one. Flynn, who had joined them at some point, hands Julie a bottle of water and backs up to join the boys. She struggles to open it, holding it out silently and Reggie grabs it to twist off the lid and hand it back to her, his arms still wrapped around her as promised. She manages to take a few sips and holds it out again. This time Ray takes it and grabs the lid from Reggie, resealing it and setting it down as he crouches to look at her.
“Mija, what happened?”
“She should be here,” Julie sobs and Reggie tightens his arms around her. 
Ray wraps both of them in a hug of his own. “You’re right, she should,” he agrees. “She’d be so, so proud of you. I’m so proud of you.”
Reggie’s eyes are now filled with tears and he sniffles.
“Well great, now you’ve got me,” Alex chastises him wetly, eliciting a chuckle from Reggie, Ray, and Julie. She lifts her head to look at the others and waves them over. They don’t think twice and swoop in to wrap the trio into a massive group hug. It’s a little awkward, navigating around all of the equipment, but it’s perfect for right now.
“I love you guys,” Julie whispers. 
Everyone who can reach places a kiss on her head. “We love you too,” they chorus.
Continue reading on ao3
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reginarubie · 1 year
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If anything, Ned should be compared to Otto like these two dudes pushed their daughter to royalty for their own gain. At least Otto knows how to play the game, Ned just placed Sansa in the pit of vipers without any protection and lol haters still hate her for causing Ned to die? What 😆
Cia’ anon,
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If you truly think the load of bullsh*t you have written you might have not paid attention neither to the series neither to the books. But, in good faith you truly are misconstruing I will explain my point of view.
Ned Stark did not want to go South, dude was traumatised by the South, and had refused Bobby B offer the moment it was uttered (pertaining both his naming to lord Hand and the marriage between Joffrey and Sansa). It’s Catelyn who convinces him of the need of him to go South to discover the truth after Lysa’s allegations became known about the death of Jon Arryn and thus accept Robert’s proposal.
Also, they betrothed, to be married when Sansa was old enough, a girl of 11 to a boy of 13/14. Also they betrothed a prince (not a king) to the daughter of the Warden of the North, who was one of the few eligible candidates for Joffrey’s hand.
Which is very much different than Viserys/Alicent both in the book and in the show (by book canon Alicent was 18 and Viserys almost 30, still big age gap but acceptable for the context… whilst in the show they gave us a forty something man and a girl of 16-18) in both cases Alicent/Viserys have a bigger age gap than Sansa/Joffrey and also a big gap in the experiences they led. Also Alicent was not near enough the best eligible match for Viserys, tho others would have been every worse on other aspects.
Viserys was a man grown, married already once and with a child and several failed pregnancies or children dead on his shoulders, whilst Alicent was a maiden of barely 18. Sansa and Joffrey were both very young, a teen and a very young teen (last of the pre-teen years) and inexperienced in the same way.
So no there is no bloody similarity between the match Otto brokered between Alicent and Viserys and the one Ned accepted between Sansa and Joffrey.
Also, the moment Ned realised the truth, and I mean the very same moment, he works to get his daughters (both of them) out of KL which meant breaking the betrothal between Sansa and Joffrey and he tells her as much, promising her a match worth of her. And he failed, dude failed so fucking hard, because he told Cersei expecting she rolled over and died, and let her children be haunted and robbed of what she feels is their birthright. He alerted his enemies of his future moves and they anticipated him and incapacitated him.
Also, Sansa had no part in Ned’s imprisonment or death. Or, what little part she had (little and almost completely non influential in the matter of things) was caused by Ned himself, as I have explained in the blaming game part II .
Ned went in a nest of vipers himself, he did play his cards wrong but dude had a goal in mind his whole life after the Rebellion. He did not play the game with the throne in mind, he played the game with the safety of his family in mind. He tells Catelyn to return North and prepare for war, to defend his people and his family.
And yeah, Ned played his cards wrong, but dude got one goal and he reached it. To this day no one but Howland Reed knows the truth about Jon’s parentage, hence the boy is safe. He swallowed his pride and honour to try and save Sansa.
Of the six children Ned Stark raised in his home, four are currently alive and kicking, laying low and sharpening their weapons to return for justice (Sansa in the Vale sharpening her wit and natural political suavity; Arya in Braavos learning to be a Faceless Assassin and learning the difference between vengeance and justice; Bran beyond the Wall honing his skills as green seerer and warg and never forgetting his duty; Rickon on a cannibal island with unicorns gathering better knowledge of people different from him and how to work together; Jon learned how to manipulate the situation he finds himself in to do his duty and gathering support against the enemies around them) and let’s count also Jon since we know he’s to be resurrected, so to six, he has five children ready to come back for justice and defend the North and do their duty.
In the game of thrones, you always claim half a victory. Robert got the throne but lost the woman he gained it for, Ned got most of his family alive but they are traumatised, Catelyn got to return and have vengeance for her family but it’s all an illusion and she lost herself completely…) there is no clear winning in the game of thrones. Bran got his skills but lost his legs, Sansa learned how to survive but she lost almost everything, same as Arya. Bran and Sansa got the throne, but Bran possibly in the books will get it after he sacrifices his powers and thus the ability to move permanently; Sansa became queen in the North but lost her dream (for now), Daenerys got the throne for a moment and she lost herself and everything; Cersei got the throne but lost all she cared for.
Yes, Ned could’ve played his cards better, he should have, much of his downfall was caused by his own stupid mistakes, but stop the slander.
If anyone is like Otto, that is Olenna Tyrell, who manipulated to get her granddaughter to marry a king she knows is gay so won’t make her happy to further her family’s position and later she chose another king whom she killed to get her granddaughter betrothed to a child who is more easily manipulated. Let’s say the truth:
Olenna and the Tyrells try to use Margaery apparent resemblance to Lyanna Stark to have Cersei exposed and Margaery married. Robert, a man who could be her father, also known to have a great number of bastards all so Margaery would become queen.
Bobby B died and Olenna and the Tyrells married Margaery to Renly who, again was pretty much older than her and gay, all because this way Margaery would be queen.
Renly died and the Tyrells betrothed her to Joffrey a king known for his cruelty and rumoured to be a bastard, all so that Margaery would be queen.
They killed Joffrey off (Joffrey who was around her age, so a possible good match for her, had he not been a cruel boy) because he would’ve been cruel and unstable and not easily influenced, and betrothed her to Tommen whom she basically starts to groom, who is a child and who has little to none experience whilst Margaery is older and more experienced. All because so Margaery could be queen to a king who would be easily influenced by her.
So, if anyone should be compared to Otto we have LF and especially Olenna and the Tyrells, certainly not Ned Stark whom as soon as he realised the truth decided to break off the betrothal and get his daughter back home, and who, again had betrothed his daughter to a boy around her age (perfectly acceptable for time and context) and who was a good match for the context and time and who was not far more experience than her by what he knew. And, as soon as the boy cruelty started to be seen, his bastardy was known and the truth of the war that would happened set into his mind Ned moved to get his daughter back home where she would’ve been safe, he just played his cards wrong.
And that is the truth we get by analysing both books and series. So, yes, if you truly believe what you’ve written I think you need a re-read and a re-watch.
Also, (dis)honourable mention to Corlys Velaryon who was a 37man marrying a 16yo princess for her position and because she fell in love with him, and supported Rhaenyra who was suspected of having played a part in his son’s death and her bastard children by another man all for his ambition by betrothing his true born granddaughters to them to get House Velaryon on the Iron throne permanently. As suggested by anon, here.
But, thank you for the ask (it was good to set straight a couple of points) and please stop it with the Ned Stark slander. It doesn’t make you look good to say things so easily disproved!
I hope you have a very nice day! ~G.
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a lot of fear surrounding the possible lack of flash backs in s2
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relax-and-read-on · 2 years
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Do you have any relationship headcanons about the Primarchs?
Im so mad I had started to answer and tumblr ate my post fndbdnsjaksn
Yes. Yes I have. Plenty. Infinite amount. In my head, every primarchs has reactions that toward every others, and said relationship change depending on a multitude of factor. Ferrus is not gonna act the same in presence of others if Fulgrim is there, etc etc. Exploring complex interpersonal relationship is probably my favorite thing in fiction!
Behold, a few of those (all non shipy! Gasp, I know!!)! As always, Corvus is a trans woman and Fulgrim use they/them, because it's my blog and I do what I WANT. This also take place pre-heresy, possibly in a kinder world too.
Corvus and Konrad: Biological twins, and Corvus HATE it. She wants nothing to do with this... Horrible twisted version of herself. She pity and is disgusted by Konrad, and she can easily see how she could have been him. Meanwhile, Konrad do feel a pull toward his twin sister, and take the rejection from her quite hard. One more person who throw him aside.
Fulgrim and Sanguinius: Bestyyyy! The two pretty mean girls. Most people assume that when they hang out one on one, they do fancy art stuff. That's nit the case. See, they both have very similar, high expectation, controlled image. When together, they can let loose and be ugly and filthy, they probably get into bare knuckle fight with ork war band and end up covered in gore, exausted but happy, laughing on the ground and infodumping all their anxiety. Very, very close.
Angron and Lorgar: Lorgar saw the one brother no one was caring for, and went "I can fix him", because this boy has never learn what a red flag is. He was probably beaten half to death quite a few time early in their relationship, but hey, that's just a setback! Meanwhile Angron finally, *finally* had someone giving a damn about him. It took a very long time for him to fully trust Lorgar, but now... They are incredibly close and trusting, and have huge amount of affection and love for one another.
Horus and Leman: Very, very close. For the longest time, it was just them. They are very similar, and even nowadays, they are pretty damn close. Leman is one of the rare person Horus will confide into, and be physically close. Leman is just a cuddly bastard and will hug the fuck out of his bro.
Leman and Jaghatai: They hate each other. Truly, fully, hate. Get into fistfight if they are as much as are in the general area. They both come from extremely traditional world, and how they approach it and view other and themself is just... In complete clash. And, ofc, they are on opposite end of the Magnus issue.
Mortarion and Konrad: they actually really like spending time together! No, really!! I could see them in a dark room, both in opposite corner, each quietly enjoying a book, and then leaving. Did they talk? Not really. But they understand one another, and ping each other as "safe" and "allie". Their trauma in mistrust are similar they get lower their guard around one another.
Alpharius/Omegon and Roboute: Listen. *Listen*. While yes, the constant infiltration drive him crazy... He can appreciate some hilarious trolling. He's autistic, yes, but also quite social. The twins are one of the rare bros to actually realise that Bobby Blue is just funny af, and they probably love to hang out around him. Also, their paperwork is impecable, and that is a LOT of gold stars in Rob book.
Lion and Magnus: Magnus refuse to be in the same room alone with Lion. Straight up. He can read mind, and the mind of Lion is just *wrong*. Everything is twisted and sharp and there is no emotions. Even animals are more pleasant to mentally connect with. As such, has 0 trust in him. Meanwhile, Lion also has zero trust in the magical bastard, and would *hapily* kill him if he was certain that he could get away with it.
Vulkan and Lorgar: Both are, at their core, non violent and like civilian. Both didn't want to be fighter. Vulkan has a heavy religious background, with the prometeum cult back home. Vulkan might not understand Lorgar, but he would totally respect him, and they would probably have a ton of fun together like, helping refuge and other loyal good paladin actions.
Rogal Dorn and Ferrus Manus: Rogal is a rigid autistic person. Ferrus is someone with a tamper who need regularity to keep himself under check. They respect the HELL out of each others, and can both are very happy to have one brother who is still sane, and yet do not care for polite nicety.
Perturabo and Corvus: Pert want recognitions and honestly, probably hate most people. At the same time, he would probably at least respect Corvus, because she too seem to be often forgotten and her sons are specialised in unique warfare. And while Corvus would haaaate the stupid meatgrinder Pert force his sons into... She would probably be very impressed by his brilliant mind. She's a science gall. They probably eventually have an uneasy friendship.
If you want more detailed ramble or something not on this list, drop in my askbox!
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IN LIFE, IN DEATH...
Part One
Luke Patterson x Fem!reader
Summary: All you wanted was to play the biggest gig of your life with your best friends, but you just might get more than you bargained for.
Warnings: death and some swearing (I don’t think there is anything else but if there is, let me know!)
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May 1994
“Shit.”
You whispered to yourself as you stared at the old clock on the diner’s wall.
It had only been half an hour since your shift started, but you were already anxious for it to be over.
Cece’s diner was normally one of your favorite places in the world. It was a small, poorly lit building in a boring part of L.A. It didn’t see much business since it wasn’t easy to find. But the air always smelled like fresh coffee and cinnamon.
You loved working there, but it was not where you wanted to be right now.
“You okay, (Y/n)?” A voice asked from behind the counter. You turned to see your boss Cece, a petite middle-aged woman who was eyeing the dirty table in front of you that you were supposed to be cleaning.
“Yeah, sorry. My mind is somewhere else.” You admitted, throwing the empty plates in the tray and carrying them to the kitchen.
Cece shook her head and let out a laugh as she followed. “On a certain guitarist, perhaps?”
Your cheeks flushed and Cece laughed again, grabbing the rag off her shoulder and smacking it against your arm lightly.
She was one of the few people who knew about your feelings for Luke Patterson. One of your best friends, childhood crush, and most recently, your bandmate.
“And for your information, I’m thinking about all of the band because we’re practicing tonight.”
“Uh-huh.” Cece hummed, a sly smile on her face.
She always pretended to be annoyed with your ramblings since you joined sunset curve, saying that a sixteen-year-old girl had no business being in a rock band. But you had caught her bragging about you to the few regulars you had multiple times.
She had a son living a few states away, but they weren’t close. So she treated you like her daughter. Which meant she wasn't the biggest fan of you constantly hanging around a bunch of teenage boys. But eventually, she warmed up to them. Especially Alex;  he was her favorite.
Luke, on the other hand, annoyed her to no end.
You ran the dishes under hot water and pressed a kiss to Cece’s cheek as you walked past her and back into the main room.
“Besides, Luke doesn’t like me like that.”
Cece rolled her eyes and opened her mouth to speak but the shrill ring of the phone cut her off. You let out a sigh, grateful for the distraction. She meant well, but when it came to your situation with Luke, you were more than happy to live in denial and ignoring it altogether.
He was your best friend. That’s all that mattered right now.
You shook the thoughts from your head and grabbed the phone’s receiver. “Cece’s Diner. How can I help you?”
“How much do you love me?”
Speak of the devil.
Your heart raced at the sound of Luke’s voice rang through your ears. His choice of words definitely not helping to calm you down. You shook your head, mentally scolding yourself.
“Luke?” You asked which prompted Cece to raise an eyebrow from the other side of the room.
“Hey. I’m sorry for calling you at work but I can’t finish this song and it’s driving me nuts. I need you and your genius brain to come help me.”
Despite your protests, the tap dance in your chest continued. It was ridiculous that after knowing Luke all your life, you were still shocked when he complimented you like that.
“I don’t get off until six, but I’ll come after.” You said, trying not to smile when you heard him cheer in victory. “And before Reggie asks, yes, I’ll bring coffee.”
Luke laughed before singing into the phone. “Get me a large with extra whipped cream and cinnamon.”
“I hate you.” You sang back, making a mental note to wipe off the smirk you could practically hear in his voice before the line went dead. You sighed as you put the phone back on the hook, holding a finger out to Cece.
“Not a word.”
A few hours later, you walked into Bobby’s garage, carrying a cardboard tray in each arm.
You sighed as you looked around the room. Every surface was covered in discarded paper balls and empty fast-food wrappers. You had expected to hear some form of music or at least some talking but the room was dead silent.
In the center of the mess, Alex and Reggie sat on the floor. Alex was trying to balance his drumsticks on his nose, and Reggie was mindlessly strumming his bass. Luke was sitting back on the couch, his eyebrows tightly knitted together as he frantically scribbled into his notebook.
“Your savior is here, and I come bearing coffee.”
All three heads whipped in your direction and within seconds, Reggie was excitedly bouncing his way towards you. He reached out to swipe a cup from the tray in your left hand. You swatted his arm away.
"Not that one. That’s Al’s.”
You set the rest of the drinks on the table in front of you and walked up to Alex. You handed him the cup and he gave you an appreciative smile. You always made sure to get him hot chocolate or tea, since you learned the hard way that caffeine can sometimes make his anxiety worse. He told you he didn’t want to admit that to the guys. So you were happy covering for him.
“Why does he get his own special one?” Reggie pouted as he grabbed another cup and strolled over to Luke, plopping down next to him on the couch. “And why is she the only one who can call you ‘Al’?”
“Because I’m his favorite.” You said, poking Reggie’s cheek as you passed him and took the other seat on the couch next to Luke. Alex just nodded, trying to hold back a smile.
“I thought you didn’t get off for another hour.” Luke said, looking up from his songbook for the first time since you got there.
“Cece knew it was important band stuff so she let me off early.” You shrugged.
“Oh no, she’s not mad at me, is she?” Luke shivered, thinking of all the times Cece had chewed him out for being a ‘bad influence’ on you or made him wipe down some tables for accidentally making you late for a shift. “You know I can’t stand when that woman is mad at me.”
“I also know that all you have to do is give her your little puppy-dog look and she’ll instantly forgive you.”
“Yeah, you guys are alike that way.” Luke teased, sticking his bottom lip out and batting his eyes dramatically.
“Yeah, yeah. So, what have you got so far?” You said as you bumped his shoulder with yours. He grinned and started translating his messy handwriting for all of you.
The four of you sat there for an hour putting all the words in the right places and by the time Bobby got there, you all felt confident that it was finally finished. You took your place behind your microphone and nodded.
“Okay, Al. Count us down.”
Alex twirled his drumsticks. “1…2…3…4!”
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June, 1995
“Don’t look down.”
You couldn’t help but smile as you sang the song you had written a year ago. Your feet bouncing on the stage, the thin layer of sweat on your forehead.
To your left, Luke raised his arms, trying to hype up the non-existent crowd. Alex clashed his drumsticks together to the beat as all your voices came together.
“Cause we’re still rising up right now.”
You clapped along to the song, the energy coursing through your veins. Luke was in the middle of throwing his guitar behind his back. You rolled your eyes at him and he flashed you a small bashful smile before turning his head.
Your heart fluttered but you forced yourself to turn the other way, singing with Reggie just as the song transferred out of the bridge. The fog machines cued the ending chorus and you gripped your microphone with both hands.
“And even if we hit the ground, we’ll still fly.
Keep dreaming like we’ll live forever.
But living like it’s now or never.“
The other boy's voices dropped out until it was just you and Luke singing the chorus. You looked over at him, but his eyes were glued to the front of the room. Normally, you would share a mic for this part or at least stand close together, but he seemed determined to avoid you.
Just like he had been for the last six months.
You ignored the gaping pit in your stomach and poured all your focus into the song.
“Like it’s now or never!
It’s now or never!“
The final riff sounded and you let out an exhausted but proud sigh. There were a few scattered claps from the staff in the venue. But a curly-haired girl behind the counter was cheering especially loud. Reggie winked at her and leaned into his mic.
“Thank you! We’re Sunset Curve. Tell your friends.”
You rolled your eyes at him and pulled his arm, dragging him to the center of the stage. Alex came from his drum set and you gave him a high five.
“Al, you were amazing!”
“Yeah, dude, you were smoking.” Reggie agreed.
Alex blushed. “Nah, man. I was just warming up. You guys were the ones on fire.”
Reggie rolled his eyes. “Can you just own your awesomeness for once?”
Bobby and Luke nodded in agreement and you raised your eyebrows at Alex, nudging him until he finally smiled. “Okay, I was killing it!”
“I’m thinking we should fuel up before the show. Street dogs?” Luke asked. Alex and Reggie hummed in agreement but you wrinkled your nose.
“I think I’m gonna pass.” You said, jumping off the stage. It wasn’t that you had anything against street dogs, but as far as pre-gig activities go, it didn’t make your top ten list. 
Bobby landed next to you and started jogging towards the counter. He ran a hand through his sweaty hair and approached the girl wiping tables.
“Oh no.” You said. “Bobby, leave that poor girl alone.”
Bobby turned around just enough to give you a glare as you both reached the counter. The rest of the boys weren’t far behind. You felt Luke slip behind you and throw an arm on Bobby’s shoulder.
Bobby told the girl some line about being a vegetarian. But she shook it off, looking over all of you.
“You guys are really good.”
You smiled proudly. “Thank you.”
She returned your smile. “I’ve seen a lot of bands. Even been in a couple myself. I was really feeling it.”
Luke was practically beaming. The whole band contributed with the songs, of course, but you and Luke were the main writers, so it was always nice to hear people compliment your words. “That’s what we do this for. I’m Luke, by the way.”
“Hey, I’m Reggie.”
“Alex.”
“Bobby.”
“And I’m (Y/n).”
“Nice to meet you guys. I’m Rose.” She said, turning to you. “You have a great voice, by the way. It’s always cool to see a girl lead vocalist.”
Bobby snorted. You elbowed him and Luke gave him a wet-willy. “Oh, thank you. But I’m just co-lead.”
She opened her mouth to say something else but Reggie reached in his back pocket and pulled out a C.D and a t-shirt, handing them to her. “Here’s our demo, and a T-shirt, size beautiful.”
As if on cue, you and Alex rolled your eyes. You sent Rose an apologetic look as she held the shirt up to her body.
“Thanks, I’ll try not to wipe down the tables with this one.”
Alex nodded. “Good call! When they get wet, they kind of fall apart in your hands.”
Bobby glared at all of you. “Don’t you guys have to go get hot dogs?”
Luke pushed Bobby back and leaned on the counter with both arms. “Yeah, he had a hamburger for lunch.”
The boys started going towards the exit but stopped when Alex noticed you hesitating. “You coming?”
You really didn’t want hotdogs, but you also didn’t want to stay and listen to Bobby attempt to flirt with Rose. So you nodded and followed Alex to the door.
“Hey, (Y/n)!” Rose called out and you turned around. “Don’t sell yourself short.”
You gave her a warm smile before walking out into the alley. The night air hit your skin and you shivered slightly. It wasn’t cold, but it was definitely a change from the sweaty stage. You wrapped your jacket around your shoulders.
“That’s what I’m talking about!” Luke whooped as he jumped through the doors and into the alleyway.
Alex gestured around, wrinkling his nose. “The smell of Sunset Boulevard?”
Luke shoved his shoulder. “No.”
You jumped out of the way as Luke splashed in a puddle. “It’s what that girl said in there. About our music.”
His eyes flickered to you when he said ‘our’ but quickly looked away. It was practically the first time he had acknowledged your presence all night.
“It connects us with people, you know? They can feel us when we play.” He said excitedly, slowing his walking until the rest of you caught up with him.
He reached each arm up and pulled Reggie to his side with one arm and despite being right next to you, he pulled Alex to his other side. You turned your head forward to hide the confused look on your face but you knew Alex saw it.
Other than Cece, he was the only person who knew about your feelings for Luke. You could tell from the look on his face that he was just as confused with Luke’s recent behavior as you were, but he didn’t say anything.
“I want that connection with everybody.”
“Then we’re gonna need more T-shirts.” You heard Reggie say as you reached the end of the alley. You pulled up the hood of your jacket and turned your head away from the line in front of the venue.
You didn't mean to walk so fast, but you were the first one at the alleyway a few blocks away from the Orpheum. You made your hotdog and made small talk with the vendor for a few minutes before the guys caught up.
“You trying to ditch us, (Y/n)?” Reggie asked, putting ingredients on his hotdog.
“Not my fault you guys are slow.” You stuck your tongue at him and he squinted at you. Alex groaned. You looked over at him to see him trying to put a pickle on his tray.
“Man, I can’t wait until the day we can eat someplace where the condiments aren’t served out of the back of an Oldsmobile.”
As he apologized to the vendor for getting pickle juice on his battery cables, you, Luke, and Reggie made your way to one of the old couches. They both sat down, leaving one open space next to Luke.
You made a point of sitting on the arm of the couch, letting your feet dangle on the seat. If Luke was going to avoid you, then you were going to avoid him right back. You also avoided the questioning look Reggie gave you before Alex sat down.
Luke didn’t seem to notice. He was bouncing his leg and couldn’t seem to stop smiling, it was obvious that he was still buzzing with energy from the soundcheck.
“This is awesome, you guys.” He said as he made himself comfortable between Reggie and Alex. “We’re playing the Orpheum! Do you know how many bands that played here ended up being huge?”
You rolled your eyes and smiled while the boys chuckled. You were all used to seeing the intense side of Luke, but he had been an even bigger ball of excited energy ever since you booked the Orpheum gig. It could be a little much for the guys sometimes, but the way his eyes lit up when he talked about music never failed to make you smile.
“I’m serious.” Luke insisted as he leaned forward and raised his hotdog in a toast. “Eat up, guys. Because after tonight, everything changes.”
You all toasted and then started to eat. Usually, street dogs weren’t half bad. But this time there was a burnt, nasty flavor that made it hard to swallow. Alex saw your face and nodded in agreement.
Even Luke, who had a super-human stomach, made a face. But his hunger must’ve won out cause he took another big bite.
“That’s a new flavor.” Alex said with his mouth full.
“Relax, man. Street dogs haven’t killed us yet.” Reggie told him as he took another bite. You still didn’t feel one hundred percent confident about it but you shrugged and kept eating.
It all happened so fast.
At first, it felt like you were dreaming. Like maybe you had just fallen asleep and would eventually wake up and realize that everything was just a nightmare.
But then the outline of Los Angeles floated away in a haze of grey and you were left in the dark. There was nothing but silence until you heard a voice somewhere in front of you.
It was the sound of Alex’s frantic ranting.
You could feel Reggie and Luke next to you, but they didn’t say anything. You didn’t either.
But you didn’t really need to. It was glaringly obvious what happened, you could feel it in your bones.
You were dead.
Alex’s ranting slowly turned into crying, which made you cry. Luke heard your quiet sniffles and for the first time in months, he touched you.
He reached out and intertwined your fingers loosely in his, gently swiping his thumb across your knuckles. You closed your eyes, trying to soak up the feeling. This was the closest to him you had been in since that night in the studio.
It seemed like so long ago, but at the same time, it was all too familiar. You knew that if you stayed in this moment with him any longer, you would fall apart completely.
So you turned away from him and buried your head in Alex’s shoulder. It seemed like hours passed before the silence was broken and the opening of Now or Never filled the air.
“Is that…?” You started, but before you could finish, the floor disappeared from under you.
You hit the ground with a painful groan and blinked at the sudden flood of bright light. You felt movement next to you and saw Reggie struggling to get up.
You hauled yourself up and turned around to realize you were back in Bobby’s garage. It looked so different that you almost didn’t recognize it. There was a new grand piano and flowers on every table. The room was free of any trash or discarded flannels.
But the biggest change by far, was the girl standing in front of you.
She was about your age with brown hair tied in a ponytail, in a bright yellow shirt, and furry slippers. She was staring at the four of you with wide eyes and a terrified look on her face.
“How did we get back here?” Luke said as he scanned the studio.
The girl screamed, which made the boys scream and cling to each other. Reggie threw himself against Luke and pulled you behind him.
They all screamed for a few more seconds before the girl ran out of the garage doors. You cautiously walked out from behind Reggie and towards the middle of the room, spinning in a full circle.
The boys started talking but you were still mesmerized by all the changes made to the studio.
You looked up towards the ceiling and saw that there were chairs hanging by the loft and countless tiny plants by the windows but you could still see the nail polish-stain you had made on the carpet and the dents in the beams from all the times Luke had messed up his guitar throw.
Carefully, you reached towards the piano and tried to touch a vase of flowers but they passed right through your fingers. Your entire hand went numb then a tingly feeling spread throughout your body.
Well, two things were for sure.
You were definitely back, but you were definitely dead.
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lilyeholland · 3 years
Text
Before It’s Too Late [Part 2]
[Reggie Peters x Reader] PART ONE - PART TWO
Summary: Y/N and Reggie have never officially stated what they were to each other, so Y/N plans to tell the brunette bassist how she really feels before him and his band are to take stage at the Orpheum. Little did they know this would be there last encounter. *only a little bit inspired by Stranger by Jeremy Shada*
Warnings: super fluffy at first and then BAM the angst hits you like a truck :) it’s also lowkey kinda long lol, mentions of death
Word Count: 10k I’M SO SORRY IT REALLY GOT AWAY FROM ME IT’S WORTH THE READ THOUGH I PROMISE
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The night before, you had stayed up writing and rewriting your confession letter to Reggie - the one you were going to give him before he performed. There were countless amounts of crumpled papers on your floor all because you insisted on writing it in pen and making every individual letter look perfect. Finally, once you were satisfied with the way the ink stained the thin sheets of paper, you sealed it in a blush pink envelope, sprayed your perfume on it, and wrote Reggie’s name in big bubbly cursive letters, you set it on the corner of desk and anticipated its arrival in Reggie’s hands. 
You knew better than to go to Reggie’s house in hopes to find him and talk to him - he was rarely ever there. Instead, he’d be at the garage studio regardless of if the boys were there with him.
You lean against the big white doors of the studio, admiring the way Reggie is laying on his back staring at the ceiling and riffing away at his unplugged bass. “Knock, knock,” you say, startling the innocent boy in front of you to his feet.
“Oh, I wasn’t expecting to see you today.” You both take steps closer to each other. Reggie sinks his hands in his pockets, unsure of what to do with him, but wanting to reach out to you and smother you in a hug. 
“Yeah, I just wanted to come by and ask if it was alright if I came by before the show to wish you luck. Since, you know, I can’t watch you guys play.” You offer him a solemn smile, but he just grins widely at you.
“You can totally come by,” he bites his lip and hides his smile. “We’ll be done with our sound check around 5 and you can come by then?” He questions, just to make sure it works with you.
You nod your head and smile back at him.
“You can meet us by the backstage doors - it’s in this really creepy-looking alleyway, but I promise its safe.” Again with the cute faces that make you want to throw away the whole plan and tell him you want to be his official girlfriend right now. “No one’s died there yet... That I know of.”
“If I get murdered there, I’m blaming you,” you tease, earning a longing look hidden behind a breathy laugh from Reggie. 
“You won’t,” he sings as he pulls you in for a tight hug. “I won’t let that happen to you.” As his arms envelope themselves around you, yours do the same to his torso. 
“Promise?” you test him, looking up but never untangling yourself from his embrace. 
“Promise.” He nods his head once, his smile beginning to form a magnet-like attraction to yours. He leans down slightly as he slides his hand up your body to cup your cheek. Your lips barely graze one another’s before - 
“Oh, sorry, we didn’t mean to interrupt anything,” Luke says with wide eyes as him, Alex, and Bobby walk in. The three of them chuckle to each other, knowing full-well what they almost just witnessed. 
“No, no, it’s fine,” you say as you dust off any remaining Reggie on your body. “I was just leaving anyway.”
“Okay, well, I’ll see you tomorrow,” he winks cheekily and waves you off.
All that and he still can’t call himself your boyfriend? Well, you usually have to kiss your boyfriend, so it makes sense. 
It’s not like you and Reggie had never kissed before - twice actually - but neither of them count as a real kiss in your eyes. The first one was just an embarrassing moment from a few months ago where you had leaned in to kiss his cheek but he turned his head too quick and accidentally landed his lips right on top of yours. It lasted .02 seconds and you were both really flustered afterward. The second one was just a consequence of playing spin the bottle. 
It was frustrating that both times you had almost really kissed had been interrupted so abruptly. You hoped and prayed that you would finally be able to kiss him tomorrow before the show. 
The day finally was here and you had prepped your lips with a special raspberry shiny gloss beforehand, in hopes Reggie’s focus would be on your lips and he’d be more tempted to make the first move. 
You take one last look in the mirror, fixing the smudges of lip gloss around your mouth and then spraying one last spritz of your perfume on the letter addressed to Reginald Peters, himself. 
You had not expected him to already be in the creepy alleyway with 2/3 others in Sunset Curve - but he was - joking and laughing away with them. He couldn’t have noticed you any faster than he did, saying something to the band quickly and then jogging over to you so you didn’t have to walk so far. Also so you had more privacy. 
The first thing he does is bring you into a hot, sticky hug. Surprisingly, it doesn’t smell bad. 
“Ooh, sweaty,” you comment jokingly.
“Haha, yeah, sorry about that. I might’ve gone a little too hard during Now or Never,” he shakes himself out of the hug and smiles at you before noticing the envelope with his name on it. “What’s this?” His eyes widen as he rubs his hands together like a little kid waiting to open presents on Christmas morning.
“Oh!” You suddenly become extremely embarrassed of what you wrote on those pages, now nervous for him to open it and read it. “Just some letter I wrote you,” he had already taken it upon himself to take it and open it up, only increasing the anxiety-nausea in your stomach. His eyes begin skimming the top lines, a grin forming at his lips. 
“You know, it’ll probably take you a while to read it so how about I just sum up what it says for you,” you pull the letter away from his face, beginning to panic. “Basically, um,” you giggle nervously and glance up at him from under your eyelashes. He’s giving you the puppy look again. “I like you Reggie. A lot. And I don’t really know what we’re doing each other, but I just wanted to tell you how I really feel about you before you play the Orpheum and get super famous and inevitably forget about me, so here it goes,” you finally take a deep breath after getting all that out. 
Reggie grabs your hand in his, too nervous to interrupt or add anything to what you just blurted. 
“I think I love you, Reggie.” He clocks his head in your direction, not in a shocked way, more in an interested way, opening his mouth to say something back. “But before you say anything, I don’t wanna rush you cause I know we’re still so young and we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us. I just - I wanna be your girlfriend.” You finish by squeezing his hand that’s still intertwined with yours and sucking your bottom lip into your mouth.
“Is that really what the letter said?” He asks.
“I may have added some stuff,” you whisper, almost ashamed of the guts you had just spilled to him. 
He rolls his eyes slightly in a joking manner, pulling you closer by the hand and mumbling, “come here,” before he firmly plants his lips on yours. FINALLY. You’re shocked at first, but instinctively kiss him back without second thoughts. In a familiar motion, he drags his hand from your hip to your hair while you place both of your hands on either side of his waist.
“Does this mean I’m your boyfriend now?” He teases as he pulls apart just enough to see your face. 
“Mm-hm,” you nod your head and grin at him.
He leans in for another kiss, this time getting closer by wrapping his arms behind your neck. It’s deeper and more passionate than the first one, both of you moving your mouths in sync like it was choregraphed. 
“Reggie!!!” the two other musicians shout from down the alleyway. 
He tries to pull away, but his lips linger on yours for a few seconds longer. 
“You better hurry if we wanna eat before the show!” Alex cups his hands around his mouth to make his voice louder. 
Reggie looks at you and groans still with a little smile on his face. “I’ll see you after the show, okay?”
He kisses you again, short and sweet, and again, and again, having a hard time being able to separate himself from you. As he’s walking away, reaches out his hand so the last thing to touch is your fingertips. 
“Good luck, boyfriend!” You shout to him as a joke as he starts making his way to Alex and Luke. 
“Thanks, girlfriend!” He jokes back and blows you a kiss from the distance. 
This moment would soon be the moment you replayed over and over in your head, thinking that reliving it would somehow make it so it never ended and Reggie never left. 
You went the whole night thinking everything was alright, excitedly waiting for the band to get back to the studio for the after party they had planned there. Only, you had waited too long and started to get in your head about things. Did Reggie only act like that with you to get some pre-show lovin’ to hype him up before he performed? Maybe the band got invited to a bigger, fancier afterparty by the featured band they were opening for.
You must’ve fallen asleep on the couch waiting for them. You woke up to the noise of Bobby turning on the lights and finding you cuddled up with one of the flannels Reggie had left behind.
His face was blotchy, eyes red and puffy, and the tip of his nose was shiny. 
“Bobby, what’s wrong?” you stood up and walked towards him.
He couldn’t even respond, he just shook his head and began to cry again. 
“Where are the other three? Where’s Reggie?” The worst thoughts started to drown you, but you countered it by telling yourself you were just being irrational, they were probably fine, they probably just had a band fight. 
“They were there before-” he sobs, “-and then there were sirens- and- and-” he’s unable to finish.
“Bobby,” you say in a panicked voice. “What happened? Where are they? Where’s Reggie?” your voice is shaky and cracked now that tears have built a wall on the surface of your eyes. 
“They’re gone.” He barely chokes those two words. 
You feel yourself take steps backward, losing control over your breathing while stumbling back onto the coffee table behind you. “No, no, no,” you deny. “You have to be lying,” the egg in your throat makes it near impossible to say. 
Bobby says nothing, instead reaches in his back pocket and takes out the blush pink envelope. “This was in his jacket,” he hands it to you before having to turn around completely to hide his wet face. 
On the last page, he’s added something in bright red sharpie:
“To the most beautiful girl in the world, I’m playing for you tonight, Y/N. Love, Reggie”
You break. It suddenly becomes real to you - he’s actually gone. Him, Luke, and Alex are really gone. You crash to your knees, audibly crying and almost screaming until Bobby helps you up and takes you into a much needed hug. You still let out vocal yelps and whimpers from deep in your chest. 
You remember nothing else from that night, which is probably for the best since you don’t want to remember anything about it. Instead, you relive the memory of kissing him over and over. It’s almost like you knew that would be the last time you’d kiss him, so you tried to jam the lifetime of kisses you would’ve had into one.
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imaginedxlan · 3 years
Text
Ghost of you Pt. 2 (Luke Patterson)
a/n: i pretty much set up the first one to have a part 2 so here it is! also sorry i haven’t posted in a while shawties, school just started and i’m taking 17 credits so i’ve been absolutely swamped. i’m going to try my best to post more often!
after julie receives a letter from a classmate concerning her new band mates, she immediately shares the message with them. Luke and the boys are forced to remember their lives before the accident and who they left behind.
y/l/n = your last name
part one
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_________________
Y/d/n wasn’t quite sure why she had to find Julie Molina to give her the note you had given her, but after seeing the way you reacted to her video the day before she wasn’t about to argue. The next day at school, she found Julie and fought through the few people that were crowding around her so that she could fulfill her mother’s request.
“Julie!” She shouts, making the girl stop in her tracks. “My mom wanted me to give this to you, said it was important.”
After she hands Julie the piece of parchment with her mother’s writing on it. The first time Julie read the letter she didn’t know what to think. Someone who knew and loved Luke, Reggie and Alex while they were alive was reaching out to thank her. How could she tell someone who experienced their death that they aren’t alive but they’re here, with us? She read the letter three times before even thinking about bringing it to the garage. Holding the letter in her shaky hands she opens her garage door to see the three boys hanging around the piano.
“Julie Julie Julie!” Reggie repeats himself, making his way over to the girl. “Thank god you’re here.”
Luke turns around with his songbook in hand, face full of promise.
“We just came up with this killer chorus, you’ve got to hear this. It mixes the bands already epic sound with your voice it’ll be perfect!” He starts to get the boys hyped up next to him before seeing the look on Julie’s face. “What’s wrong Julie? Looks like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Reggie immediately snorts a laugh earning an elbow to the rib from Alex. Julie just shakes her head and hands the note to Luke before holding her arms in front of her chest. Luke’s eyes scan over the paper, his mouth widening more and more with each word. Once he’s finished he hands the letter to Reggie without a word, who then hands it to Alex. Julie patiently waits for them to respond but the boys all take a seat on the couch in front of her, all their words being ripped from their vocabulary.
“Julie,” Alex finally speaks up. It seems like he’s struggling to even get a word out, his knuckles turning white in the fists he’s formed. “Where did you get this?”
“A girl from school handed it to me today, said her mom wrote it and that it was important.” Julie explains, still waiting for some sort of reaction out of the boys. All she received was a pale group of teenage boys in front of her, Luke especially so. He looks like he’s going to barf any minute. Reggie has his hand on Luke’s back in support but it doesn’t look like it’s much help. “Luke who is she?”
Luke doesn’t answer, just rises to his feet and begins to pace around the room. He briefly stops, looking like he’s about to say something but then continues to pace around the room. “It can’t be her, do you have a picture of her Julie? Anything?”
Julie frantically shakes her head but pulls out her phone to pull up your daughter’s Instagram. She scrolls until she finds a post she made for your birthday featuring current and old photos of you and turns the phone to Luke. His eyes go wide and he continues to pace around the room. Eventually Alex gets up and starts to talk to him to calm him down but Luke is still panicking. “I want to see her, I need to see her.”
“Luke who is she?”
“Y/n was Luke’s girlfriend, up until we died.” Reggie replies for him. “She was our friend too, she came to all of our shows, every rehearsal. I can’t believe we didn’t ask for her sooner. Oh god she was there that night, guys. She was probably the first person to find out we were dead.”
Luke’s brain is immediately flooded with the last time he saw your angel face. The night at The Orpheum. He remembers thinking how pretty you looked, well you always looked pretty, but especially that night. He remembers how you were tucked into his side up until the very last moment before they left for sound check and pre-show street dogs. His heart aches at the thought of your face when you got the news. How you must have clutched onto Bobby for dear life so you didn’t just hit the floor. 
Not only that, but he recalls one of his favorite memories with you. The guilt begins to rise in him as he thinks of one of the most important days in his young life, how that day revolves around you, and now that he’s somehow back on earth he’s yet to ask about you.
April 17, 1995
You’re sat in that dingy garage as the boys strum out melodies around you, hoping one will stick. Reggie, Alex and Bobby are already frustrated with the fact that they can’t seem to write a song as good as their first four. How are they supposed to make it big with only one demo? The three boys eventually become tired of the process, leaving you to listen to Luke persist on his guitar.
“Luke,” You call out with a yawn. You look over to your boyfriends face, eyebrows furrowed, you think of all the wrinkles that will form when he gets older from all the looks of frustration he makes. “Baby, it’s late.”
“I know, I know,” He replies, not bothering to look up from his song book. He suddenly flips back to a page filled with writing and sits back in his chair. “Want to hear something I’ve been working on? A little break from watching me stare at a blank page.”
A smile forms on your face as you nod your head. He begins a chord progression and you sit back and close your eyes. First things first, we start the scene in reverse... It doesn’t take you long to realize he’s writing about his mother. You’ve never pried him on his relationship with her, knowing it’s a touchy subject, but based on his departure from his childhood home you know it’s strained. The more you listen to the words, the sharper the pain in your chest becomes. Luke’s always been stubborn, you’ll be the first to point it out to him, but the way he’s able to say what he’s always meant to say in his songs never fails to amaze you. After your first big fight, he wrote a long beautiful song about how he was sorry, words that don’t come easily from his mouth. His love language is song. 
Once he finishes, you open your eyes and just gaze at him in awe. He raises his eyebrows as to signal for you to share your thoughts on the song, but you just make your way over to chair where he’s sitting. You take a seat on his knee with your arms wrapped around his neck. “Luke, that is a really beautiful song.”
“You really think?”
“Of course I do.” You reply, Moving one hand to cup his cheek. “I know you miss her. I’m sorry for the way you left things, but she’s your mom, Luke. She’ll always want you back in her life. I think you need to show her.”
He just shakes his head, dropping his eyes down from yours to his lap. He begins to fidget with his hands like he always does when he’s nervous. “I-I don’t know y/n. I don’t want to go back until we’ve made it big, you know? I want to prove to them that this is all worth it.”
You just smile at him. His eyes still won’t meet yours and his hands continue to move in his lap. You take your index finger and press it under his chin, gently forcing his eyes to meet yours. Your thumb softly runs back and forth over his cheek bone. He gets so anxious, especially when it comes to talking about his parents, but you always make that anxiety melt away.
“You don’t have to go now, Luke, I know how hard this is for you. I’m really proud of you for writing how you feel, even more so for sharing it with me. That’s a huge step.” You coo, trying your best to ease his nerves. “I’ll be here every step of the way. I will never, and I mean never, let you go through this alone.”
A look flashes over Luke’s face, one you’d never seen before.  A mix of both relief but more anxiety. His hands move from his lap and reach for yours. He never breaks his eye contact with you, his breath beginning to stagger. You cock your head to the side, shooting him a confused look, just before he clears his throat.
“Y/n, I love you.” He finally says, making your mouth hang open for a second before you begin to process what he’s said. “I know we haven’t said it yet and you don’t have to say it back but I need you to know I do. I couldn’t live this life without you and I love you.”
You’re quiet for a minute, not because you’re scared or angry, because you want to say it back but don’t want him to think you’re only saying it because he just did. You squeeze his hand thats intertwined with yours and give him a soft smile.
“Don’t think I’m only saying this because you just said it, alright?” You begin. He nods in response. “I love you, Luke. With every part of my heart, I love you. In every language I know, I love you.”
His once almost unnoticeable grin turns into his award winning, bright smile which only makes you smile more. He moves his hand from yours and brings it to your cheek. Slowly leaning into you, your lips eventually meet. This kiss feels different than all your others, it sounds cliche, but you feel safer in his arms here than you ever have. He eventually pulls away from you but rests his forehead against yours before repeating, “I love you, I love you, I love you....”
On and on for hours.
Present Day
“Luke did you hear anything we just said?” Reggie asks, waving a hang in his face. “Hello? Earth to Luke?”
He shakes his head before blinking a few times. His head hurts after remembering a moment like that. You have a daughter, you’re probably married now, he thinks. He’s happy you moved on, how could he expect you not to.
“Luke what do you want to do?” Alex asks, bringing him out of his thoughts once again. “She was your girlfriend, man. Your call.”
So many options come to his mind. You were an adult now, a grown woman with a life, with a child. Luke is just the ghost of a teenage boy. Julie could go on pretending they’re just holograms, nothing more, make it easier for you to continue moving on. Selfishly, all Luke wants is to see you, no matter how old you may be, he wants you to know he’s okay. He wants to be able to perform for you again, to hear all about your life without him. He knows full when we he sees you that you’ll be a different person now, but he doesn’t care.
“I want to see her.” He responds, finally done panicking. “I want her to see us.”
Alex gives him a cautious looks. While it was only fair that Luke gets to decide what to do in this situation, he can see how this could turn out pretty bad for all involved. Overwhelming you with the fact that your dead boyfriend now plays with a ghost band, giving Luke a look into the future he never got to have with you. While Reggie is all on board with seeing you again, missing his friend, Alex just can’t wrap his head around it.
But they listen to Luke. You were the closest to him, you meant the most to him, he gets to decide. Julie comes into school the next day and finds your daughter. She tells her that she’d love to talk to you about Sunset Curve and see anything you have saved from the 90s. She extends an invite to you to come over to her studio and talk about the boys. You’re nervous, understandably. You haven’t talked about them in so long, it hurting too much to even think about your friends, but this is for Julie too.
When you get to Julie’s house, you recognize everything. She moved into the studio. Their garage was once the place where you spent hours after school listening to all the songs the boys would come up with and watching movies after shows all snuggled together on Luke’s tiny couch. While your heart is pounding, you force yourself to enter, your box of Sunset Curve memorabilia in hand. You greet Julie, thanking her again for bringing the boys back to life in her music.
You didn’t know, well actually you couldn’t see, that the boys are there. They watch as you come in and take a seat on the couch where you made hundreds of memories with them. You look tired, they all see it. You don’t look much different than you did when you knew them, just like a seventeen year old you had that aged twenty five years. You’re wearing a ring, Luke comments on it and Alex and Reggie don’t say anything about it. You show Julie all your t shirts and polaroid pictures, explaining the story behind every single one. Alex and Reggie laugh when you get to the photo of the three of you. You’re in the middle, Reggie’s cheek is smushed against yours as Alex has his lips pressed to your other cheek. Yours and Reggie’s eyes are closed with the biggest, cheesiest smiles on your faces, the picture oozing pure joy. Alex and Reggie just look at each other and Alex places his hand on Reggie’s shoulder.
“This is one of my favorites,” You say referring to the photo. Holding it out for Julie to take. “They were the best, I wish you could’ve met them. Reggie was just the goofiest, most energetic person I think I’ll ever meet. If I was sad I always knew where to come, he could have me smiling in thirty seconds tops. And Alex, gosh my sweet Alex. He was like the backbone of that band. He knew exactly what to do and say whenever we had an issue, I went to him with my problems more times than I could count. I would give just about anything to hold them like this again.”
You pull out the next one which was of Luke. He had on a backwards hat with a huge piece cotton candy in front of his mouth, one eye closed as he was posing for a bite. Your first date. You went to a carnival together and you couldn’t pass up taking a photo of him with such a comically large food in his hands. You smile down at it, Luke is smiling too.
“Luke and I hated each other at first,” You tell Julie, but the boys lightly chuckle, remembering how you two would argue for hours on end before you realized you both liked each other. “I was friends with Alex first, Reggie not too long after I started hanging out with the band, but Luke was always so opposed to having me around. We would fight about the stupidest things. God, he was so stubborn but I think that’s what made him so strong willed, you know? There was nothing else he wanted in this world more than seeing Sunset Curve succeed. I think their success was partially due to the fact that Luke wouldn’t take no for an answer from anyone. We got over hating each other, I was actually dating him until, well you know.”
Your chest aches to think of seventeen year old you having your heart torn out of your chest and torn into a million pieces with Luke’s death. Luke can see the tears form in your eyes, wanting so badly to hold you and tell you that he’s okay. 
“Mrs. Y/l/n-” Julie begins but you cut her off.
“Please, call me Y/n.” You beg. “You’ve done a lot for me Julie, with your holograms and everything, I think I owe you more than forcing you to call me Mrs.”
Julie smiles, her hands beginning to shake as she’s about to reveal the truth to you. It felt so much easier when she had to show Flynn, but this is different. It feels like there is more riding on this moment than when she showed her best friend. “Right, Y/n. There’s something I need to tell you. They’re, well they’re not really holograms.”
“What are you saying Julie?”
“This was my Mom’s studio. She passed away a while ago and when I was cleaning it out I played a CD that she had and...” She stops herself, she doesn’t want to sound crazy or seem like she’s being insensitive. You were the one that lost them all those years ago, she wants to respect that. “Out of nowhere these three boys just showed up, said they died the night before but I found out they died twenty five years ago. You can’t see them but they’re here. You can’t see them but you can hear them when they play, but when we play together for some reason they become visible. I know it sounds crazy but look around, there’s nothing that to project them in here, let me show you.”
You’re speechless. Part of you thinks she may be messing with you, but the other parts of you are praying that you may be able to see them play again. You start to look around the room, wondering if she’s right, that they’re actually here. Luke can see the emotions running through your face as your breath begins to quicken. He reaches for your hand but forgets that you can’t see or feel him. Julie gets behind her piano and begins to play. It’s been so long since you’ve heard music in this studio. You brace yourself for whatever will come next, not even know if you can handle a joke like this.
Out of nowhere, three boys seem to appear out of thin air, instruments in hand. Your mouth drops open as you see the faces of the three boys you lost in 1995. They look so real, they smile at you while they sing but you shake your head, thinking this is just some kind of dream. You went to every one of their performances, have seen them play hundreds of times but never this song, this can’t be a recording. Julie reaches out for your hand to pull you closer to the boys. Luke’s eyes haven’t left your face, wondering what could possibly be going on in your head. Tears start to fall down your cheeks as you watch them play, something you begged for in the months following their passing. You walk closer to Alex as Julie stops singing but they don’t stop playing.
“Alex...” You trails off, not being able to comprehend what is happening.
“Hi Y/n,” He replies with a smile, catching you off guard. You gasp as you reach for his shoulder but your hand moves right through him. “No holograms here, we’re ghosts now. Pretty weird right.”
“I just, I don’t understand.” You stutter on your words. You turn your head toward Reggie. “Why can I see you now?”
“We don’t know either,” Reggie replied, shrugging his shoulder. You just want to hug him like you used to but after your experience of shoving your hand through Alex’s body you stay away. “It’s good to see you, Y/n, you’ve grown up.”
You smile, tears still pouring down your cheeks as Reggie smiles right back at you. You take a deep breathe before turning around to Luke who is still strumming on his electric guitar. You hold your arms close to your chest and let out a quiet sob when you see his face. 
“Hi Luke.”
“Hi Y/n,” He replies. He refrains from calling you any of his many pet names he had for you years ago, knowing too much time has passed for him to ever expect you to react well to one of them. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too, hot shot.” You tell him, wiping a tear from your cheek. It feels odd, talking to the boy in front of you, unaged for twenty five years. “I missed all of you. You have no idea how hard it was to lose you.”
“I’m sorry,” Alex speaks up. “I’m sorry we left, you shouldn’t have had to go through that alone.”
Before you can respond, Reggie butts in to say, “You may not be able to always see us, but we’re here. We’ll always be here.”
“See you real soon, y/n.” Luke says as their music starts to fade out. The suddenly evaporate just as quickly as they appeared. You clutch at your chest, unsure of how to feel after this. You look over to Julie who has a sympathetic look on her face. 
“How did that — What just — Did you”
“I was confused too, I still am,” Julie stops you, noticing the distraught and twisted look of your face. “You’re welcome to come back any time you like, I’m sure they’d love to see you — oh, yep they just told you to come back.”
As you leave the garage that you spend most of your formative years in, your heart and your heart cannot stop racing. Seeing Alex, Reggie and Luke, frozen in time, exactly where you left them that night at The Orpheum was something you can’t fathom. It all feels too weird, they were too real. It all feels like you’re wrapped in a dream that you cannot wake up from, one that started the day you buried your boys. While Julie had just told you to come back, to see them whenever you wished, that idea didn’t stay long in your thoughts. He isn’t the Luke you could love now, he is a 17 year old trapped in limbo. While you aged, he stayed the same, he is someone you uncomfortably recognize. You were supposed to grow old with him, but he was left behind. You don’t return to the garage, it hurts too much to see them like that again, so close to you. However, you watch their sets, you see them finally play The Orpheum like they had dreamed of 25 years ago and smile, your heart filled with pride.
They see you in the crowd but they don’t make any attempt to reach you. They understand, they know how overwhelming it must be to watch you supposedly dead friends speaking to you, playing shows, just existing. It took you a long time to process their death, but as weird and uncomfortable as it was to see them again in their 17 year old bodies, it gave you the sense of closure were never able to receive in the past 25 years. Knowing they weren’t in pain, watching them fulfill their dreams, it all mended your heart a little more every time you say them trending on YouTube or on the local news. All you needed was to watch them from afar, the ghost of them, to finally be able to heal.
a/n pt.2: this was a lot harder to write than i imagined. i’m so used to writing ~love stories~ and i can’t just have a 40 year old woman smooching a 17 year old ghost so i did the best i could sorry yall
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Fic Master List
OK, I’m trying to do a master list while I have a minute and keep it updated/pinned because Tumblr’s algorithms are about as wonky as Facebook’s, I’ve noticed, and this keeps things nicely organized (and probably helps my OCD).
YouTube Videos:
Like A Dream: https://youtu.be/KvyZaLe7ijA
Big Daddy: https://youtu.be/2fiU3qqgX7k
Auld Lang Syne: https://youtu.be/BgpjItCJTJw
It’s Just Medicine: https://youtu.be/6R6quiYjW3w
Transgender Dysmorphia Blues: https://youtu.be/ivo2XgfH69k
Monachopic Énouement: https://youtu.be/z_SqaKUeM3w
All You Are Is Brand New: https://youtu.be/Nq-etNePL2I
New Ways: https://youtu.be/ZmySNyydc3I
Whiskey, Nostalgia, And Bobby Vinton: https://youtu.be/LuZvEWD5jNg
Nothing’s Going To Hurt You, Baby: https://youtu.be/FiU97_wE5M4
Déjà Vu: https://youtu.be/8STl3QM_cuE
Maybe We’re Just Sleepwalking: https://youtu.be/7WQ5LWgHu0M
You’ll Never Live Down What You Can’t Forget: https://youtu.be/9NJtjCUpYI4
Habits: https://youtu.be/-4OZn8wzsmE
New Depression: https://youtu.be/wzF3U9OkZHo
From The Hips: https://youtu.be/McZCZOYxV_c
Slip It In: https://youtu.be/McZCZOYxV_c
Warning Signs: https://youtu.be/dfOgHEYQmvU
Little Motels: https://youtu.be/7wxYFZ5kj2k
From The Lost Boys Fanzine Volume One:
(both can be downloaded at Gumroad here)
Sea Water And Summertimes:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/634885980099379200/sea-water-and-summertimes
Put Yourself In My Hands: 
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636274385975656449/ok-i-never-got-a-chance-to-add-my-fanzine-stuff
High Enough:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636275718898188288/high-enough-trevor-philips-has-always-had
And I Love You So Violent:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636276607677530112/and-i-love-you-so-violent-trevor-has-an-aversion
Crying:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636278118900006912/crying-what-are-you-supposed-to-do-when-your
Whiskey, Nostalgia, and Bobby Vinton:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636278888514895872/whiskey-nostalgia-and-bobby-vinton-from-the-lost
Like a Snowflake Through the Fire:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636283183030222848/like-a-snowflake-through-the-fire-will-you-be
Give Up The Thing That You Love:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636286227126059008/give-up-the-thing-that-you-love-im-not-whats
Drop The Game:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636289152648888320/drop-the-game-his-sun-is-fading-and-he-doesnt
White Winter Hymnal:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636290219352702976/white-winter-hymnal-my-retelling-of-the-prologue
Paroles de J’aime:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636290867524714496/paroles-de-jaime
Locked Up:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636292136189444096/locked-up-my-little-heart-is-turning-black-for
From The Lost Boys Fanzine Volume Two:
Maybe We’re Just Sleepwalking: (the A-side/Trevor to a B-side/Michael song)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/645986091099406336/this-was-done-intentionally-like-an-a-side-of-a
You’ll Never Live Down What You Can’t Forget: (the B-side/Michael to an A-side/Trevor song)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/645979478040969216/from-the-much-awaited-volume-two-of-the-lost-boys
(Collab with Jadyn to go here when I can track it down, dammit.)
Random One Shots/Sequels:
Bet You Rue The Day You Kissed A Writer In The Dark: (angst galore and I don’t know what)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/650679533695074305/bet-you-rue-the-day-you-kissed-a-writer-in-the
Monachopic Énouement: (inspired by @ms-cursed here from an old post)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/650588197510873089/monachopic-%C3%A9nouement
She Ain’t That Kind Of Girl: (Michael/Trisha AU written for @vulnicurah)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/649684654648131584/she-aint-that-kind-of-girl
Warning Signs: (sort of a B side to Toxicity, maybe-ish? post-Bury The Hatchet)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/645793885057155072/sorry-this-came-to-me-the-day-after-i-got-out-of
Little Motels: (gift for @becuzmdsaidineededpersonality and @mourn3d mwua)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/645143960512249856/ive-had-a-bad-few-days-but-oh-look-i-can-write
Transgender Dysmorphia Blues: (Trigger Warning: one bad old slur Trevor should punt someone for, lots of disassociation, and sexual choking) 
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/643179431966490624/uh-so-this-was-supposed-to-be-up-on-my-birthday
Never Gonna Hurt You Baby: (TRIGGER WARNINGS: ABUSE, OLD OFFENSIVE SLUR, MENTIONS OF ABUSIVE CHILDHOODS, CHOKING; set a year and a half after Ending C, this is follows Michael’s POV and delves into the past as he tries to come to grips with getting over some of his issues, and it’s a long one at about 30 pages, so fair warning.)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/641542791871283200/here-it-is-finally-oh-my-god-there-is-no-damn
It’s Just Medicine: (TRIGGER WARNING: ADDICTION TALK; set way post game ending.)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/640352528874291200/this-was-going-to-go-in-the-upcoming-second-wave
Auld Lang Syne: (New Year’s Eve fic set at the end in 2013)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/639196015157755904/oh-my-god-this-was-supposed-to-be-done-in-time-for
Big Daddy: (written for @mourn3d as a birthday gift because who wouldn’t want to call Michael -- or Ned Luke -- Big Daddy, ijs)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/639071783880982528/this-is-dedicated-to-mourn3d-for-her-birthday-i
De Santa Baby: (written as the fluffier Michael second piece in a two part Trevor/Michael Christmas present for @shjwacd <3)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/638534964757053440/this-is-part-two-of-the-christmas-gifts-i-promised
Song for a Winter’s Night: (written as the more somber Trevor first part of the present for @shjwacd)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/638349162938826752/so-this-is-just-one-part-of-a-gift-that-i-promised
New Depression: (The Michael B Side, post-Ludendorff/pre-2013)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/637733378511306752/and-now-for-the-b-side-to-trevors-habits-new
Habits: (The Trevor A Side, post-Ludendorff/pre-2013; inspired by a picture by Clover Flynn)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/637694227094077440/so-i-saw-this-picture-by-cloverflynn-the-other
Slip It In: (The B Side to From The Hips; dedicated to the Bottom Michael Cult)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/637547747887792128/oh-my-god-i-totally-took-this-song-in-a
You Keep Me Together Like No One Has Ever Done: (And this is the companion piece to ODIWWUAA -- it was all just a dream; dedicated to the best person in the world even if they don’t often believe it <3)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/637370445596868608/yes-im-alive-as-its-obvious-today-i-almost
One Day I Will Wake Up All Alone: (TW: I wrote this at a bad point, so it’s dark, but I also don’t completely hate something I wrote for once, so if you don’t mind major character deaths -- from their own hand -- then read at your own risk)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/637068279066853376/i-guess-this-should-go-in-the-next-fanzine-i-just
Tear You Apart: (high school AU stuff inspired by art from @ctrevk)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636512222287446016/so-a-while-back-ctrevk-made-this-spectacular
New Ways: (a sequel to Sea Water and Summertimes that was inspired by a picture drawn by @marina-rasteniye for the Fanzine)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/634993211215167488/written-for-marina-rasteniye-who-also-contributed
Run: (a sequel to Locked Up which was written for the Fanzine)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/634923141899157504/meant-as-a-follow-up-for-locked-up-which-was-in
Letting The Cables Sleep:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/632920632155340800/have-you-ever-loved-someone-so-much-youd-give-an
Hooray For Love:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/632458903277404160/sarah-jaffe-hooray-for-love-memories-are-the
Mi Estrella Oscura:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/632204505052774400/dedicated-to-the-cult-of-bottom-michael-hugo-and
I Am Trying to Break Your Heart:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/631735846986563584/finally-adding-this-up-here-like-this-for-those
All Time Love:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/631204045607092224/to-boldly-go
Nothing With You: (written for GTA V Anniversary)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/629564455154499584/todays-apparently-the-anniversary-of-what-has
From The Hips:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636348005649367040/from-the-hips-is-sex-better-than-dealing-with
Salvation:
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636359311855140864/salvation-plenty-keeps-michael-up-at-night-and
Déjà Vu: 
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/627406742199877632/ooooh-this-i-like-and-i-can-see-it-like-time
(and the lovely commissioned artwork by Hugo which I’ll never not tag that because dfjdklklhjflkajdflkj: https://thenoman-sland.tumblr.com/post/627924072953790464/so-this-is-a-commission-i-did-based-on-this-post )
Multichapter Stories:
All You Are Is Brand New (The Beginning):
This is the one that @marina-rasteniye and I talked about, the idea of Michael viewing Trevor as a toy, and I got to thinking about Michael viewing everyone in the terms of something to manipulate. Especially given his line in the game about how he gets an attachment to something, goes after it, gets bored, hates it, gets rid of it, etc. It’s dark, but does have good moments. Basically, a flip-side to Toxicity.
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636016321453309952/ok-this-got-started-after-a-line-i-wrote-in-new
Toxicity:
The one that started it all back in August? It began with watching a person’s video on how they did their college psychology thesis on Trevor Philips having borderline personality disorder, and I thought, “That makes sense,” because I see a lot of my own actions in him and vice versa. I began going through bad bouts of suicidal ideations, and because mental healthcare is a joke where I live, I was told to write my feelings out, so since I found Trevor relatable (similar shitty childhoods, lack of direction, anger/sadness over a lack of affection, etc.), that’s what I did. I understand him probably too well, unfortunately. That said, people with borderline personality disorder are not complete psychos. We have feelings. We’re human. We tend to fall in with the wrong people who use us, and we keep making excuses for them, thinking something will change, that some day will be the day they appreciate us, but they never do. And then we hate ourselves all over again. It’s a cycle I’ve worked hard to break with therapy. I’m not always perfect, unfortunately. I’m a work in progress. 
I wanted to use Toxicity as a means to show how a person gets to the point of Trevor in 2013. And I want to show how he can redeem himself in the future because it is possible. I know, personally. 
Warning Sign/The Beginning: (Chapter One) -- and I can’t edit the post any longer or fix the length behind a cut because Tumblr is being stupid bleh DX
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/625943160212897792/coldplay-warning-sign-i-have-not-written
I’m in the Lights with Him/Late ‘89: (Chapter Two)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/626127156662222849/to-boldly-go
Amanda, You Light of My Life: (Chapter Three)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/626859691820056576/so-heres-the-next-chapter-ill-post-a-link-to
I Can’t Make You Love Me/1991: (Chapter Four)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/627136667950710784/oh-boy-get-out-the-tissues-because-this-chapter
It’s OK to Eat Fish Because They Don’t Have Any Feelings/Part 1 Late ‘93: (Chapter Five)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/636362645420834816/ok-somehow-i-forgot-to-post-chapter-five-of
You’re My Best Friend But It’s Truly, Truly a Sin/Part 2 Late ‘93: (Chapter Six)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/628593946878230528/and-heres-part-2-of-the-car-ride-home-up-to-the
She’s a Pretty Thing and She Knows Everything/Early ‘94: (Chapter Seven)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/629129261105725440/a-bit-of-a-smaller-chapter-but-its-more
The Secrets That We Keep To Ourselves/Late Fall ‘94: (Chapter Eight)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/630533002105094144/and-now-for-chapter-eight-sorry-for-the-delay
Nights of Loveless Love/Winter ‘94: (Chapter Nine)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/632400884836515840/oh-my-god-you-know-what-time-it-is-time-to-simp
This Is Dangerous ‘Cause I Want You So Much/New Year’s 94-95: (Chapter Ten)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/635557820469821440/your-music-for-this-chapter-along-with-the-title
The Deep, Deep Feeling Of Pain/Early ‘95: (Chapter Eleven)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/643536967000293376/the-deep-deep-pain-of-feelingearly-1995-chapter
Nobody Loves You When You’re Down And Out/Early Spring ‘95: (Chapter Twelve)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/644103803893923840/nobody-loves-you-when-youre-down-and-out-early
OTHER FANDOMS:
Beatles:
Johnny: (written in 2009 for the JHP LJ Community; surrounds the “juh” sound of the third chorus of Oh! Darling)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/642072723941703680/ok-this-one-got-started-because-of-a-friend-on
Two of Us?: (written in 2009 for the JHP LJ Community; based around the thoughts surrounding the song)
https://trepidatingboarfetus.tumblr.com/post/642071165588865024/holy-shit-i-dont-know-if-i-ever-posted-this
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sunshinejins · 3 years
Text
if i was dying on my knees (you’d be the one to rescue me)
(title from brother by kodaline)
so, hi!  jatp has reignited my desire to write again and this time i think i might actually finish a whole fic.  so uh, here it is :) please let me know if you like it, I’ll hopefully update asap, but i’m in uni so asap may be in like two weeks.  unless people really like it.  then, probably sooner lmao.
pairing: julie molina x luke patterson
fandom: julie and the phantoms
warnings: death bc rose, and i swear once but other than that i think nothing else?
Julie didn’t want to be frustrated, she really didn’t.  In fact, she wanted to be sad, mourning, depressed, or literally anything other than slightly pissed off all the time.  It’s incredibly exhausting to be angry all the time, and she felt like being sad would at least give her blood a break from simmering.
But her mom died.  And apparently her body only knows how to process grief by developing a rather annoying tendency to be irritated constantly.
She tries to forget it though.  Instead of wallowing in the negative feelings that cloud her family in the months following Rose Molina’s death, she throws herself into distractions.  She gets a job at a coffee shop near the USC campus and puts almost all her effort into becoming a top employee.  Her grades don’t drop because thankfully her professors seemed to all inherently understand that she just couldn’t sing anymore.  Like at all.
The world kept spinning.  Julie could only hope to hold on.
That’s how she ended up, six months later, complaining over a milk frother about her very well-intentioned best friend to the only person she knew would listen.
“Flynn just doesn’t understand,” Julie moans, shutting off the machine and dumping the contents unceremoniously into a to-go cup.  Her coworker, Allison, raises an eyebrow and swipes a rag at the milk spill that pools under the cup.
“Did she try to get you to sing again?”
“Surprise karaoke night with her girlfriend and a couple kids from class.  Her intentions were pure though so I don’t even know why I’m upset.” Julie shoves a lid onto the cup and slides it across the counter to a pre-occupied businessman who doesn’t notice the extra milk soaked into the bottom.  Allison nods thoughtfully and starts dumping coffee beans into the espresso machine.  Julie watches her with slight awe.  Allison was one of those people that terrified Julie when she met her; everything about her felt polished and put together down to the blunt cut of her pale blonde hair and the curve of her smirk when she smiled.  Soon enough, Julie discovered that she was as warm as any of her other friends, but it had taken a lot of closing shifts and smoothie runs to come to that conclusion.
Allison sets down the bag of coffee beans and gives Julie one of her solemn looks; it’s the sort of look where Julie thinks Allison could probably read her mind if she tried hard enough.
“Maybe they’re going about it wrong.  You haven’t been around music properly in what?  A year?  What if you just need to sit and listen to music again to just get you used to the environment?” Julie thinks for a moment.  Allison raises a fair point, and it’s the complete opposite tactic that everyone else has been trying, which has been to shove music in front of her to sing and give her expectant and hopeful looks. It’s a trial run.  Something casual.
“Where would I go?” Allison smiles a bit and passes Julie a container of oat milk to put away.
“There’s a bar off Sunset that’s hosting an open mic tonight.  Very relaxed and casual vibes.  I could pick you up from your apartment and take you.  We haven’t hung out since that movie night a while ago.”  Julie hesitates.  It’s not that she’s opposed to spending a night with Allison, but a small part of her feels like she’s cheating on her current circle of emotional support humans by agreeing to go. Not that her dad or Carlos or Tia would mind, but Flynn would possibly take offence and that alone stalled Julie for longer than she realized. Allison clocks the look on her face and amends the statement.
“Flynn is obviously welcome too.”
A mind reader, Julie swears. 
“Hell yeah. Let’s do this.”
***
Julie’s feeling significantly less optimistic when Allison’s car has been driven away by the valet and herself, Flynn, and Allison are all standing in line outside the club. Julie can feel the bass of the songs playing more than she can hear them, but the proximity of music is enough to make her palms sweat. Other than the music the coffee shop plays and the strains of country she hears through Carlos’ wall, Julie hasn’t heard proper music since Tia Victoria sang “Amazing Grace” for her mother’s funeral. Flynn notices her nervous look. 
“Chill, Jules. It’s all very chill. We’re just gonna listen to a couple bands.” 
“Flynn’s right. And if at any point you want to bail, we can go get soft pretzels.” 
“But we should try and stay for the whole thing!”
“However, we’re also going to respect you if you can’t do that,” Allison punctuates this sentence with a meaningful eyebrow raise and Flynn nods vigorously. Julie swallows and tries to mimic the courage she had a few hours ago.  The bartender scrutinizes their IDs for a moment before allowing them to sweep into the bar and Julie’s jaw nearly drops at the volume of people contained inside.  Nearly every seat is filled, and the standing areas are packed with people all jamming to the band onstage that’s currently playing what Julie has to admit is a pretty kick ass cover of “Somebody Told Me” by The Killers.  
Allison somehow discovers a table near the edge of the bar, and disappears off to get them drinks.  Flynn’s rocking out already, and Julie feels a few of the nerves in her stomach even out as the realization that she doesn’t have to sing sinks into her bones.  Allison was right, unsurprisingly.  If she focuses hard enough, she can even push out the memories of coming to these sorts of open nights with her mom.  Flynn shoots her a large and grateful grin and Julie lets herself smile back.  She’s taking a step.  She’s doing it.
Allison returns as the band switches and a new band begins to play a hyped up cover of “Africa” by Toto.  The three girls lapse into quiet appreciation of the music, with Flynn singing along to every song played, Allison bobbing her head to herself and occasionally letting out a few notes in her vocal range, and Julie just quietly appreciating the fact that she doesn’t feel like throwing up.
It’s all very casual, just like her friends said.
Until it’s not.
As the third band of the night begins their last song, Julie retreats to find the bathroom.  It’s hidden nearly backstage, and she’s just about to make it to the door when she hears the panicked shouts of someone from near the curtain which separates the small backstage from the actual performing area.
“Dude, I cannot believe he bailed on us.”
“Are you really surprised?  Bobby was a piece of shit.”
“Hey, he didn’t use to be!”
“Calm down, Reg.  You know he’s been treating us like garbage ever since that record label thought he had a ‘marketable voice’ or whatever they said.”
“Guys he bailed on us, what are we supposed to do?”
Julie, despite all the “stranger danger” lessons running through her brain, backed up far enough to see into the backstage area.  Three guys stood there, two with a guitar and a bass each and one with drumsticks he was nervously twirling.  The one with the guitar had his face buried in his hands and kept swearing heavily under his breath.  The other two seemed frozen in their own panic as well.  Guitar Player removed his hands from his face and Julie caught a glimpse of worried hazel eyes and dark curls.  Bass Player opened his arms and Guitar Player tumbled into them for a hug while Drum Player rubbed his back.  The three guys looked absolutely wrecked.
Here’s the thing: Julie had an uncontrollable urge to help people.  It’s how she got roped into half of Flynn’s schemes, how she ended up teaching Carlos all of his second grade science curriculum herself, and how she somehow became the unofficial backbone of her family after her mom died.  Seeing three guys utterly wrecked because, presumably, their fourth bandmate had bailed on them?  It activated that uncontrollable urge deep in her stomach.
Here’s another thing: Julie hasn’t played music or sang in six months.  She’s had no desire to, and every time she’s tried, the distinct urge to throw up overtook her.  Tonight was supposed to be the baby step that showed her whether or not music was something she could seriously consider again; whether or not she could feel that itch to perform anymore.
“Hey, do you guys need a fourth?”
She felt the itch.  
The three guys looked up in varying levels of shock.  Drum Player recovered first, and stepped towards her hesitantly, wringing his pink hoodie as he did.
“Um, what?”
“It sounded like someone bailed on you.  I can play.  If you need it.”  Guitar Player recovers next and nearly bounds over to her in barely contained excitement.
“You can play rhythm guitar?”
“No,” the three boys deflate, “I can play piano though.”  Guitar Player tilts his head to the side as though playing a melody through in his head.  He turns back to the other two.
“Bright could fit piano.”
“We never wrote the music for a piano component,” Drum Player wrinkles his nose.
“I did,” Guitar Player admits.  The other two don’t look phased, though Bass Player does raise an eyebrow.  “I was bored!”
“Okay, but we don’t want to put you out,” Drum Player turns back to Julie and she swallows.  
“No, I offered.  Let me see the music.”
“Okay, but you have like ten minutes!” Bass Player finally chips in with a surprisingly cheerful tone.  Guitar Player hands Julie what looks like a piece of notebook paper and her eyes skim the words and notes.  It’s feasible for sure, but she can feel the nerves prickling at her stomach.  Guitar Player leans into her space and she clocks how ridiculously attractive he is up close.  He gives her a smile.
“We alternative verses like this, see?  And I don’t know your range, but we can figure that out on the go.”  Julie gives him a small smile.
“Somewhere between mezzo-soprano and soprano.”
“We can work with that.” Guitar Player seems to vibrate with energy.  “Are you sure you wanna do this?”
“No pressure,” Bass Player adds.
“Like seriously, none.  We can just go home and cry,” Drum Player says.  Julie isn’t sure.  She really isn’t.  In fact, she’s pretty sure she should just run away and hope she never sees these guys again.
“I’m sure.”
Well, that’s that.
Guitar Player sends her a smile that looks genuinely like someone has funnelled sunlight into his body and Julie feels the nerves lift for half a second.  Then, they’re called to the stage and all of a sudden she feels like she could puke all over again.  Guitar Player grabs her hand and squeezes it.
“You got this.”
Julie files out with the rest of the band and she’s extremely grateful her friends aren’t sitting in her direct line of sight.  The piano is definitely worn out from use, but her fingers settle naturally on the keys and Julie tries to focus on the budding itch to perform in her stomach rather than the urge to throw up.  She’s supposed to start this song.  This song that she became aware of ten minutes earlier.  She catches Guitar Player’s eye and he nods encouragingly.
She presses down on the keys and opens her mouth. 
Sometimes I think I'm falling down
I wanna cry, I'm calling out
For one more try to feel alive
And when I feel lost and alone
I know that I can make it home
Fight through the dark and find the spark
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tangledstarlight · 3 years
Text
so um. didn’t do much at work today. wrote a thing. my entire thought process for this was ‘luke just. throws himself into any and every fight he sees that involves his friends huh?' and then i thought 'but what would happen if he couldn't fight for them??' and here we are. 
it also stemmed from the fact that luke has big pre-serum steve rogers vibes?? if ya get me. 
it’s a 5 +1 also. if that matters to anyone??
BUT ANYWAY!!!! this has a somewhat happy ending? if you squint? it was gonna be sadder, so idk. hmu if you want the sad ending i guess.
also on ao3
trigger warnings! blood mentions, implied/referenced child abuse, implied homophobia, character deaths (cos they’re yknow. ghosts)
one. Luke had spent so much of his time worrying about Reggie and Alex that he’d never stopped to consider the trouble that Bobby might get himself into.
And then he’s kneeling next to where Bobby is lying on the ground, his leg bent at an odd angle and there was a cut running down his cheek with blood dripping on tarmac. But he’s breathing. And that’s all Luke can find himself focusing on even as he hears the car that had hit him speeding away.
“Hey, hey Bobby. You’re okay man, you’re alright,” his voice is shaking but he doesn’t think Bobby notices, too busy trying realising the amount of pain he’s in. Luke can hear someone shouting behind them, thinks that someone called out about ringing 911, but he doesn’t take his attention away from his friend.
“My leg, Luke my– Fuck my leg hurts!” Bobby tries to sit up, his voice whining and letting out a his of pain as Luke gently keeps him lying in place. A vague memory from some long ago first aid class echoing in his mind about neck injuries and keeping the patient still.
“Yeah man, it’s uh,” his eyes dart down to Bobby’s leg, gulps and looks back up. He’s pretty sure his face must give him away. “It’s probably best you don’t look at it right now. Just, just look at me alright. Helps on the way.”
He can hear people talking around them, someone mentioning how far out the hospital is, another saying how disgusting it is for the driver to just run off without even stopping. Luke tries to tune them out. He can’t chase down a car, can’t find one driver in thousands and hurt them for hurting his friend. All he can do right now is try and distract Bobby from his broken leg and his pain.
“Don’t think I’ll be making it to rehearsals tonight.”
“Suppose we can let you off. This is a better excuse than Reggie’s one about the ducks that chased him,” Luke grins, he can hear sirens in the distance and lets out a shallow breath.
“My dad, I need to–” Bobby trails off and Luke isn’t sure if he’s lost in thought or just not sure what he needs to do. It’s not like either of them have been hit by a car before. They don’t know what they’re meant to do in a situation like this. Luke squeezes his hand, shrugs one of his shoulders.
“It’s alright. We’ll just take it one step at a time, don’t worry.”
There’s a beat of silence between them as they both seem to register what he said before Bobby is laughing and Luke is gaping in silent horror before feeling his own lips shaking with laughter too.
“Can’t believe you just made a comment about walking to a guy that’s just broken his leg. That’s low Patterson, even for you.”
two. Luke knew he had a reputation amongst his friends of being a little oblivious to certain things going on around him. He knew that he could sometimes get too caught up in his song writing, could miss obvious hints that people threw at him, could sometimes completely miss read a room. But he wasn’t stupid.
And he certainly wasn’t blind.
He had known Reggie since pre k. Had seen him at his best and his worst, had been there the day he showed up at school with the worlds worst hair cut, had helped him pick out his first bass from a cheap second hand music shop, had patted his back when Linsday Walters had dumped him during lunch when they were twelve.
Luke knew Reggie better then he knew just about anyone. So he knew when there was something wrong.
Not that it would have taken a genius to know there was something wrong when Luke was woken up at three am on a Thursday to someone knocking at his window. Reggie’s face peered in through the window, back lit by the streetlight across the road and making it incredibly evident that he had been crying, had Luke throwing his blankets off and out of bed quicker then he knew he could move. It took some awkward manoeuvring but eventually Reggie crawled in through the window and stood uncomfortably in the middle of Luke's room.
“Hey Reg…” Luke started, his eyes trailing up and down his friend quickly, trying to pinpoint what had brought him here so late. His eyes caught on the way the bassist held his left arm close to his chest, fingers shaking as he tried to ball his hand into a fist only to wince every time they moved. There were spots of blood on his shirt. Luke heard a roaring in his ears as he put together puzzle pieces of information he had always glanced over.
The Sullivan’s were well known in their friend group as the parents who fought the most. Reggie often made off hand comments and jokes about not getting much sleep, about stepping over broken glass, about falling down the stairs.
It had never once occurred to him that Reggie’s parents might ever hurt him.
“I– I didn’t know where else to go,” Reggie’s voice is quiet, small in a way Luke has never known him to be small. Reggie was always light and loud, the first to fill an awkward silence and to reach out in comfort. In all the years he has known the other boy, Luke doesn’t think he’s ever seen him so subdued.
“You know you can always come here man, windows always open.” It’s an attempt at a joke and all it gets is a half hearted tug of his lips. “Are you bleeding, Reg?” Luke hates having to ask it, hates having to broach a subject that he’s fairly confident Reggie doesn’t want broached, but he needs to know how hurt his friend is.
Reggie blinks down at his arm, still held close to his chest, as if he’d forgotten he was holding it there like that. That it was hurt at all. But now as he looks at his fingers twitching and fresh tears filling his eyes, Luke can see him, physically, mentally, spiritually, falling apart in front of his eyes.
“Woah, hey, hey, it’s okay man. Let’s, let's just get you out of your jacket, yeah? We can do this, one step at a time.”
Luke walks towards him slowly, worried that any sudden moves might set off some kind of flight or fight response in his best friend and the last thing he wants right now is to cause him more pain. Reggie watches him with watery eyes, dipping his head once when Luke reaches out to gently move his arm and slip the leather jacket off him.
There’s a red stained cloth wrapped around his forearm, another around his palm and it takes all Lukes resolve to stay exactly where he is and not jump out his window and run all the way to the Sullivans house and scream at them for being able to hurt someone they’re meant to love. It takes a few more minutes of careful moving and unwrapping, pausing every time Reggie so much as hissed in a breath, before the damage is laid bare for Luke to see.
“Can I ask what happened?” It's a quiet question, and if he doesn’t want to talk about it Luke will drop the subject, wait until he’s ready to talk. But the cuts don’t seem deep, don’t seem like they were purposefully inflicted in the way he had first worried.
“They were– they were shouting at each other. I,” Reggie pauses to breath in, breath out, shakes his head. “I tried to get them to stop. Dad he– he threw a glass at me, mom pushed him then they both pushed me on the ground when I tried to stop them. Guess I kind of deserved it, got in their way.” He says it without making eye contact and Luke can feel himself staring at him with his mouth partly open.
Because Reggie is one of the best people he knows. He’s kind and funny and talented and just has so much love to share with the world that it sometimes comes out too forcefully for people to understand. If Lukes ever had a bad day, he knows without a single doubt in his mind that Reggie will always find a way to cheer him up. He knows that if there’s anyone in the world who doesn’t deserve this, it’s Reggie.  
“No, that’s...no. Just no. You don’t deserve any of this Reg,” Luke isn’t sure what to say, how to make him see that nothing about this is okay. Luke is good with words, he’s good at writing down his thoughts and feelings and putting them to a melody and a beat, it’s what he hopes will one day help him achieve his dreams. But right now, right now all he can see is his best friend from childhood crying on his bed and all his words have fled.
He doesn’t know how to fix this. It’s not a fight he can jump into, take a hit while the other runs to find help. Luke has spent half their friendship standing in front of bullies for Reggie but he feels helpless in front of this one. So he gives his friend a smile, squeezes his shoulder and stands up.
“I’m going to find the first aid kit, alright? And mom made some cookies yesterday, there should still be some left. I’ll be right back, okay?” He waits until Reggie gives him a nod, a small smile on his lips before he goes.
Luke can’t fight this fight for him, all he can do is find the first aid kit, clean his cuts, steal him some cookies, and let him know he’ll always be there no matter what.
three. Some fights Luke knew, had to be fought with words. Some couldn’t be won with a quick shove or a haphazard punch to the nose. Some fights, he knew, weren’t his to get involved in. No matter how much he might have wanted to punch Alex’s parents as he stood under the porch light at the front of their house, peering in through the side window at the fight raging inside.
When Alex had first asked him if he’d come with him tonight, if he’d wait outside ‘just in case it goes badly, or y’know even if it goes well’, Luke had said yes without even a hint of hesitation. There was nowhere else he’d be then right here, right now.
Alex coming out to his parents, it was a big deal. It was more than a big deal. It was a life changing moment, a life destroying moment, and Luke wished he could shield him from this hurt. But all he could do was stand outside and watch it all unfold. He’d promised not to get involved. To just be a silent bystander. He really wished he hadn’t made that promise.
The look of disgust and hatred on their faces is something he thinks he’ll remember forever. Even from this distance, a window and a room away, their faces are clear to see.
It’s the exact reaction he had feared would happen, what he knew Alex had always known deep down would happen despite a small part of him hoping for the complete opposite. Holding on to a fruitless hope that his parents would look past all their bigotry and still remember that they loved their son. That he was still the same person he had always been.
It's one the many things that make Alex so wonderful, Luke thinks, the way he holds onto even the smallest bit of light in the dark even when everything shows signs of a total black out approaching.
And his parents are snuffing that light out.
With each shouted word, each hurled insult and slur.
Luke can hear Alex crying, begging for them to listen to him through the ajar door. Can’t they hear his desperation? How can they stand there, hurting him more, while he’s crying right in front of them?
His hands curl into fists at his sides, this isn’t a fight he can take on for Alex, he knows this. But god, he wishes he could just push that door open, deck Mr Bennet in the face, take Alex out of the house and never look back. Luke stays where he’s stood. He’s here as support, as someone to pick up the pieces when they were done, not to start a fist fight. He’d promised.
“Get the hell out of my house! Get out! And don’t ever fucking come back here, you understand? Get out!”
There’s the sound of a scuffle, of Alex saying something that gets lost in the sounds of more insults and words that Luke wishes he didn’t know the meaning of. Then the door is being pushed open and Alex is standing in front of him, face red from crying and hands shaking as he struggles to breathe. Luke doesn’t even think Mrs Bennet notices him as she throws a coat and bag out the door before slamming it shut.
“They– I– oh god,” he can’t seem to get a sentence out, his breathing ragged and Luke knows the signs of an impending panic attack well enough now to know what’s happening. So he puts aside his own anger, pushes down his instincts to fight back, and puts his hands on Alex’s shoulders, bending his head to get the blonde to look at him.
“Hey, hey, look at me man. Just breath. In and out, in and out, like me.”
They stand like that for a few minutes, breathing in and out until Alex has some semblance of control over his own lungs again and gives Luke the smallest of nods of reassurance that he doesn’t believe for a second. But he lets go of his shoulders, bends down to pick up the coat and bag, slinging a strap over his shoulder and offering the coat out to Alex. It’s still early spring and it’s bound to get cold.
“They–,” Alex has to take another moment, eyes darting between the closed door and the items in Luke's hands, “Th– they kicked me out.” His voice breaks on the word.
“I know.” Because there’s nothing else he can offer Alex right now other than his understanding.
He can’t take on this fight for him, can’t absorb the blows or the hurtful words, can’t go inside the house and force his parents to take back all the hurt they have caused in such a short amount of time. All Luke can do is reach out to take Alex’s hand and gently pull him down the road, away from the only place he had ever called home and give him somewhere to feel safe. Somewhere he can fall apart and put himself back together again.
“Come on, let's go back to mine,” he gives Alex’s hand a gentle squeeze and walks at the pace he’s set. It’s slow, hesitante, almost like he’s walking in a daze and is just letting himself be pulled along, muttered things under his breath.
“What am I going to do? God they’re right.”
Luke tilts his head to look into the drummer's face, frowns at the distant look he finds in the other boy's eyes even as his lips move, words he probably doesn’t even realise he’s saying out loud spilling from his lips. So he pulls them to a stop and stands in front of the blonde, grabbing hold of his other hand until he’s gripping them both.
“Hey Alex, Alex look at me man. Look at him,” Luke waits until he’s got Alex’s eyes on him, until he can see the drying tear tracks on his cheeks and can watch as he tries to keep a fresh wave from falling. “We take this one step at a time, okay? We get through tonight, and then we take on tomorrow.”
Something in his words seems to catch his attention and Alex takes in a ragged breath, eyebrows furrowing.
“We?”
“Yeah man. You’re stuck with me forever. You, me and Reggie did that whole blood oath with tomato juice thing like five years ago, remember? I’m not ever going anywhere,” Luke frees one of his hands and pushes Alex’s shoulder, grateful when he gets a huffed laugh and roll of his eyes in return.
They walk the rest of the way back to his house in silence, but Alex seems just a little more settled in himself then he had half an hour before and Luke takes that for a win.
four. Whenever Luke had thought about dying – and he hadn’t really given it much thought, he was seventeen, he was supposed to have more time – he’d always assumed it would be when he was old and in his bed.
Or maybe in some tragic accident like other rock stars before him.
He had never stopped to consider it would be a fucking hotdog.
The pain had started suddenly and forcefully, making sure it was the only thing he could think about. Like it had wanted to be the star of the show and would do so in any way possible. Luke can’t remember what it felt like to not be in pain.
Alex lets out a guttural moan of pain next to him that draws Lukes attention, stretching out his arm until his hand brushes the fabric of Alex’s pink hoodie, twisting his fingers into it so he knows that he’s there. That he’s not alone.
Reggie is quieter, even as he vomits – and Luke is trying to ignore the blood he can see, trying to not think about what that means – his chest heaving even as a paramedic rushes towards them. Luke catches Reggie’s eyes, tries to make his mouth move, to form words, to let him know something, anything.
But Luke doesn’t know what he would say even if he could. He doesn’t know how to save them from this. Doesn’t know if he can.
Luke had never thought about what happens after you die, but ending up in a dark room with Alex crying and Reggie sitting scarily still, it wouldn’t have been high on his list of possibilities. As he walked around the room, left hand on the wall so he could follow it around and around, Luke wondered if he could have fought harder to live. And then he sees Alex’s eyes going dim, sees Reggie’s chest stop moving, and remembers feeling his heart break. He doesn’t think this is a fight he ever had a chance at winning.
Whenever he’d thought about life and death and what came next, he always put it off. He just always figured he’d get the time, later in life, to think about it all. He’d been trying to take his life one step at a time and he’d accidentally leapt to the end goal by mistake without getting any of the fun in between.
They were seventeen and death wasn’t supposed to be something they gave much thought too and now they had all eternity to think about it. At least they’d have each other he guesses.
five. Twenty six years after dying Luke finds himself once again thinking about it.
Death.
Dying.
He doesn’t really think it’s something you can fight, if the Grim Reaper comes calling he’s going to leave with a soul. But Luke would personally fight the Death themselves if it meant he’d never have to see Julie cry the way she is right now. Soft and heartbroken and never ending.
But he can’t fight death. All he can do is sit next to her on the couch in the garage, one arm wrapped around her shoulders and the other holding her hand – because they’re tangible more and more often now, and on any other day he would be smiling like an idiot at getting to hold her like this. But it’s not any other day. It’s today and he’s just grateful he can touch here at all. – as she cries silently on his shoulder.
Alex has settled himself on the other side of Julie, tucking her legs under his longer ones almost like a blanket to keep her safe. Reggie has pulled a bean bag over in front of the couch and has his head resting between Julie's knees and Lukes. Each a solid presence around her.
Some days he can almost forget that the reason they are here at all is because Julie lost one of the most important people in her life. And that it was in grief and avoidance of memories and the need for a fresh start that she put on a cd and they had poofed back into the world.
He finds himself wishing he knew more about her. 
The woman who had kept their EP, their shirt that couldn’t hold up in water, who had remembered them even when the world had forgotten.
“Tell us about your mom, Jules,” Luke whispers, not wanting to disturb the quiet bubble they have created but being unable to stop himself either. Julie’s crying stilts, her breathing stuttering as if she’s trying to comprehend what he’s asked. She knows she can always say no, that she can just not respond if she doesn’t want to. But Luke knows that this is the sort of pain you can’t fight, but you can ease it. He’s pretty sure Julie knows that too.
After a few minutes when Julie doesn’t say anything Luke accepts that she’s maybe not ready to talk yet and that would be okay too, they can just sit in silence.
But then slowly, hesitantly, Julie starts talking. 
Starts telling them about her mom who had taught her to play the piano by sitting her on her knee. Who had chased her around the beach and made her laugh until her side hurt when they’d buried ray in the sand while he napped. Who had stayed up all night sewing tassels and strands of fabric together because Carlos just had to be Cousin Itt for Halloween.
She tells them about the times they had curled up watching her favourite films, the way they had shouted the lyrics to their favourite songs loudly in the car, their disastrous first attempt at making a rainbow cake.
She’s still crying, still keeps her fingers linked between Lukes, still lets her other hand alternate between Reggie's hair and tapping on Alex’s knee. But there’s a light in her eyes that hadn’t been there that morning, she’s laughing through her tears a little bit more with each story.
“I miss her,” she says eventually, letting out a shaking breath.
“I know,” Luke says, because it’s not really the same but he knows what it’s like to miss someone.
“But it’ll hurt just a little bit less each day,” Reggie chimes in, because it’s not really the same but he knows what it’s like to miss someone even when it hurts to think of them.
“And y’know, she’s always with you because you’ve got all these stories to share,” Alex tilts his head at her with a smile, because it’s not really the same but he knows that holding on to the good memories is sometimes all you have.
“Thanks guys,” she gives them a watery smile. “I don’t know what I’d do with you all.”
Luke doesn’t like to dwell too long on that thought, on a world where they pass over and leave her alone. Because it’s an all too real possibility so he pushes the thought back and nudges her shoulder and smiles.
“Nah, you’d be fine. You’d just take it one step at a time, you don’t have to go fast, you just gotta get through it.”
He doesn’t think he’s said anything too weird but Julie is looking at him with wide eyes and a silent ‘o’ on her lips. Luke frowns at her wondering what he’s done wrong now.
“Don’t look at him like that, it’s his go to advice for any problem. Just take it one day at a time,” Reggie laughs, imitating Luke’s voice as he says it and nudging his leg as he wiggles his eyebrows which causes Alex to laugh and draws Julie in too. 
And Luke doesn’t mind that they’re kind of laughing at him, he’s just glad Julie is smiling. He’s not sure he’d win a fight with Death, but he’d give it a go if she asked.
+one. When Caleb pops back into their lives it happens so suddenly that Luke doesn’t even have a chance to second guess what he’s doing. All he knows is that Caleb is threatening the people he cares most about in the world, that there’s one option in front of him which only gets him hurt and Luke really hates bullies.
He doesn’t think about the pain that the jolts cause or that there’s a very good chance he’ll never see his family again or that playing music without Alex and Reggie and Julie just isn’t worth it.
He doesn’t think about that.
He thinks being seven and meeting Reggie, about meeting Alex, about meeting Bobby.
He thinks about all the bullies he was never big enough to protect them from, quick enough to run away from.
He thinks about when they were fifteen and Bobby got his by a car, broke his leg and got a concussion and how Luke just wasn’t quick enough to push him out of the way.
He thinks about being sixteen and Reggie knocking on his window covered in cuts and bruises and how Luke wasn’t able to protect him from the people who were meant to protect him.
He thinks about being seventeen and calming Alex’s breathing as his parents' shouts still echo around their heads and how Luke couldn’t make it any better because he didn’t have the power to change minds.
He thinks about being seventeen and suggesting they get street dogs and dying, about not being able to save them.
He thinks about being seventeen and stuck in a dark room for twenty five years and how Alex cried and Reggie looked lost and how Julie had to lose her mom to find them.
He thinks about Julie, crying between them all as she misses her mom and how much it would hurt her to lose them all.
“Luke, please. Don’t.” 
Julie holding his hand, trying to pull him away. He can feel Reggie gripping tight to his other hand, standing half behind him with Alex who’s twisted his fingers into the material of his shirt. Standing behind him, just where they had always joked they’d be in a fight.
But Luke was never joking about it. Taking the hits so they don’t have to? It’s the easiest choice he’s ever made. It’s the one he’ll always make.
“I don’t want any of you to get hurt.”
Luke doesn’t realise he’s crying until his vision starts to blur a little, the image of Caleb in front of them going fuzzy.
“We take it one step at a time, Luke,” Reggie squeezes his hand tighter, tugging him back half a step.
“And we do it together, remember? A blood oath with tomato juice, Luke. We’re stuck together,” the hand Alex had had gripping his shirt loosens just enough to to circle around his bicep and he manages to tug him back another step.
“We can’t get through this if we don’t have you Luke. You don’t need to make the sacrifice play. There’s always another way,” Julie’s crying too, he notices belatedly as her tears drip on to the hand she is holding, his knuckles pressing against her lips.
“Come on man. Let’s go home.”
Luke holds steady for a second longer, eyes focused on Caleb's face before he gives in, letting the three of them pull him back from a line he can’t uncross. 
But he’d do it. 
He’d do it in one of his non-existent heart beats if it meant they’d be safe. He’s always jumped into a fight without a second thought. And for Reggie and Alex and Julie? He’d do it in even less. If they’d let him.
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skycruise · 3 years
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Jared virtual panel Sunday 22 Nov 2020
As with Misha, tried to type as he talked as much as possible. I did get interrupted by a couple of brief phone calls & I’m sure someone will post a video later today, but for now--
--Just got out of the shower. Didn’t do his hair lol. It is SHORT Y’ALL.
--Been a hell of a week, we all know why. Series finale. Shed some tears, watched it at his house, everything came flooding back, was really emotional. Wishes he could see our faces. He feels the love.
--Top 3 episodes and why? Series finale is his favorite, he is a fan of storytelling & looking at SPN as a whole the finale wrapped up things in a way that were meaningful and poignant and “wonderfully frustrating”. #2, Sacrifice. Another moment of seeing deeply inside the boys but they were flipped Sam thinking he was dying vs Dean dying. #3 French Mistake, doesn’t know if any other TV show could have done that.
--Was pie in Dean’s face scripted? Yes and he got to do it a few times! When Sam throws the pie in Dean’s face there is a passerby looking on, that is Bob Singer. It being scripted didn’t make it any less fun.
--How were the first days on the set of Walker? Thank you for asking, it’s been awesome. Strange but incredible. Feels lucky and fortunate to be able to see his kids in the morning and and at night, proud of what SPN was and hoping to recreate some of that with Walker. Learned so much from Sam and wants to do that with another character.
--Bad hair days? Puts on a beanie. Never learned how to do anything with his hair. 
--Crossover between SPN and Walker, would Cordell and Sam be friends? Absolutely. Both trying to do their best in a weird world to make it a better place and hopefully ease other people’s pain. Sam and Dean found themselves in situations where there’s no perfect answer and Cordell deals with the same type of things.
--Fave Harry Potter book & movie & spell? Book--Deathly Hallows, Sorry, missed the rest! Oh Expecto Patronus lol
--Craziest/funniest bts moment? 2 moments, one where he was awaiting birth of first son Tom, scene where Sam is chasing Kevin around. Same situation where Jensen was waiting for twins--Jensen getting that call. Just a weird situation where something huge is going on personally while trying to act. Talks about Jensen not having his passport and it had to be all hands on deck to find Jensen’s passport and get him back in the states for the birth.
--If SPN all over again as a different character, who & why? Biggest part of him says he has to be Sam. He would be Sam again. But if he HAD to change he would be Lucifer. Mark made it seem like such a fun character to play. Also possibly Chuck, Rob was phenomenal. 
--Would love to do/have reaction videos for cast reaction to reaction videos. (Me too, Jared)
--Had a hard time thinking about who he was going to be without SPN 
--How did you start your acting career? Acted in middle/high school. Won a contest to be trophy presenter (pulls out surfboard award thing) at Teen Choice awards, met an agent & auditioned over tape. Was supposed to be premed in school but got Gilmore Girls.
--What is always on your Thanksgiving table? Turkey, as much as possible. Stuffing, pumpkin pie. Big Dallas Cowboys fan so would always watch Cowboys game and make awful turkey nachos (tortilla chips with Thanksgiving leftovers) that night
--How would Sam spend his time in quarantine? Giant library at bunker doing a lot of reading. Would probably use a pedometer to make sure he got his steps in for the day. Sam is an introvert.
--What country would Sam and Dean like to visit on vacation? Puerto Rico. Wishes Sam and Dean got their beach vacation that they had talked about. Not sure if the car could have gotten there. Maybe they could have found some floaties for it lol.
--Were any lines adlibbed or added by him and Jensen (finale)? Yes. In the barn scene when Dean tells Sam to keep going, it was written Sam said he couldn’t do it without you (Dean), Sam thought he should say it more similar to the pilot, which is what they did. First thing Dean said to Say was Heya Sammy and Sam was Dean? Sam thought those should also be their last words on the bridge. J2 tried to convey how they thought the characters felt in that barn scene especially. When Sam says It’s okay, you can go now, Jared thought Sam’s son should say the same to him at his death.
--Sam wearing Dean’s watch in the finale? Jared happy fan caught that. Jared thought it was something Sam would have kept and worn.
--Jared doesn’t catch the reference SamLicker81 lol. 
--Jared had a lot of time to think about Sam’s ending, at first he thought it was jarring but how do you feel about anyone’s ending? Would you ever be ok with your own ending? There was a finality to it that no matter what happened it would be difficult to wrap his head around. Once he digested it, he felt it was the best way to tell Sam’s story. Sam tried to live his life the way Dean would have wanted him to life his life. He tried to do what Dean would have wanted. If Dean had come back 20 years later and saw Sam hunting he wouldn’t have liked that, he wanted Sam to live his life. That’s what they all fought for, for whoever was left to live as normal a life as possible.
--Any other props end up at Jared’s house? Yeah he has some stuff. His stand-in Jason had got 2 picture frames for Jared and Jensen, got copies of the last call sheet along with their marks (red tape for Jared, blue for Jensen), and framed them. 
--Super excited about producing and acting on Walker, felt like he and Jensen were pseudo-producers on SPN but will be different on Walker, hopefully he can help guide the story in a way that’s best for the show
--Acting advice? Everybody is different. Acting is trying to be somebody you’re not...but don’t try to be somebody you’re not. Don’t try to be like another actor. Just be you and figure out what story you want to tell, remember you’re there to tell a story, commit to who you are and who you have been. There are things you’ve been through no one else has, so don’t discredit that.
--Fave song that reminds you of Sam? Carry on Wayward Son, especially having just watched the finale, it’s such a powerful song. 
--Pre and post COVID scripts? They can’t fire me now! Biggest deal with post COVID script was the mandatory 2 week quarantine. There were going to be a lot of beloved characters in Heaven with us but it was just a scene or 2 so they couldn’t really ask Rob, Richard, Samantha Smith, Jeffrey Dean to come sit in a hotel room for 2 weeks for one scene. The Heaven Dean deserved was filled with people but because COVID it ended up being just Sam and Dean.
--One thing he will miss the most? The crew/family. Life long friends made over 15 years. He grew up a lot on SPN, been through so much and so much history with those people. It’s so different shooting Walker right now because with COVID there’s less human contact. Misses human contact (with fans too).
--How did you prepare to shoot Dean’s death? How could you possible prepare to shoot Dean’s death? We shot it in September, I had known about since June or July 2019, had been reading the script since February. Lot of time spent on set was trying not to cry. Massive massive fight scene, shot for 3 days but 30 seconds on screen. One day for after Dean’s been impaled so they wouldn’t have to fight all day then get emotional. Was emotional about that scene, didn’t want Jared to get in the way of Sam’s story.
--Did Sam tell his kid about all the hunting stuff? Yeah of course, told him all about uncle Dean, why he was named after him, and the importance of taking care of himself and not spending his life saying goodbye to friends and family and then his son just wanted to get a tattoo.
--There are tons of shows Jared wishes SPN could have crossed over with. Would have been funny to cross over with Walking Dead, for them to see John and he doesn’t know who they are.
--First people Sam would want to see in Heaven? Obviously Dean. Bobby. Mom. Sully. Sam’s Heaven is mostly Dean. He wanted Sam’s wardrobe from the pilot because that was Sam’s happiest moment, going on the road with his brother. 
--If he had the chance to work with Jensen again (and he WILL he says, hopefully sooner than later)...Jensen has a standing invitation to come to Walker, but they will find something somewhere and it will be great.
--What weird or gross food do you enjoy? Jared eats everything and a lot of it. Except olives. Doesn’t really like chocolate despite his sweet tooth. Doesn’t like black licorice. Will try anything once. Loves spicy food.
--Advice for people with anxiety? One thing that’s worked for him is just accepting that it’s not going anywhere. If you’re trying to get rid of anxiety you’ll frustrate yourself. Talks about Eddie Vedder saying he sees his demons as somebody who’s riding in the car with him. Take care of yourself. You got this.
--Grateful for you guys, hope to see you soon.
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pinkydec · 3 years
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Parum Stella
Summary: The three times the stars in Reggie's eyes went out and the one time they came back forever.
Pairing: So there’s referenced Willie/Alex and Julie/Luke but nothing set in stone
Warning; Angst, mentioned child abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, there is some fluff tho, canon character death, death of grandparents
AN/ parum stella translates to little star! (i’m not fluent in latin so this maybe incorrect. 
Words: 6140.
1)
The stars had always been his and his grandad’s thing. His grandad used to tell the story of when he was first born, the stars twinkled like no other as his mum and dad took him home from the hospital. It was like a new star had been born and that the stars were twinkling in celebration. Every summer from the first year he was born till just after his twelfth birthday he would spend with his grandparents on their ranch.
It wasn’t that his mum and dad weren’t unfit to be parents at that point, they just worked so much that he would always have babysitters round and when his grandparents found out they made a deal with his parents that he would spend every summer and spring break with them. His first summer he was only a few months old when he first went to the ranch, his grandmother told him a few years later that he clocked on to one of the horses and cried when they tried moving him away.
Summers were fun on the ranch, a lot more fun than it was being stuck at home in his bedroom trying to hide away from his parent’s arguments. He would spend all day helping his grandad with the animals, making sure that all of them were clean, fed and had plenty of water down. He taught him to horse ride, starting him off with an American Shetland Pony which he nicknamed Boo, when he was younger because he couldn’t pronounce the ponies full first name.
He named every single animal on the ranch, making sure to do a drawing of each individual animal on the farm, noting the differences that only he could tell on the drawings. After working on the farm all day, his grandad would bring him outside, wrapped up in his blanket with a cup of hot cocoa his grandmother had made as a reward for his hard work through the day.
They’d sit on the steps of the ranch, him curled into his grandads’ side, seeking the warmth as the coldness of the night began to sit down. His grandad, an ex-astronaut who had to retire after an injury training while he was training for Apollo 11, would point out all of the stars, passing his knowledge of the constellations and facts about the solar system and Reggie’s young mind soaked it all in.
His grandad was his best friend. He loved his grandmother to pieces, but, growing up each summer he followed his grandad around like a lost puppy. He hung of every single word that came out his older relatives’ mouth and unlike his parents who would’ve yelled at him to shut up and go away, his grandad loved it. He took him around everywhere, teaching him how to milk the cows and brush the horses correctly.
Every single time his grandad had to go to town he took Reggie with him. He was right there with his side, which helped his grandad when he was trying to sell products from the farm, because everyone loved this puppy eyed little boy that would chew your ear off if you gave him the chance to. Everyone knew him as the little assistant who arrived each summer and seemed to gleam with brightness whenever he spoke to someone, the glittering of his eyes almost matching the glittering of the stars he loved so much.
Most children his age would hate being away from their friends and their parents for that long, but Reggie thrived off it. He’d arrive back home a few days before the school term started, the brightness in his eyes seeming to be turned up to another level, full of stories ready to be told and those first few weeks he was back he was riding on a high.
Leaving the ranch was always hard though, he was so attached both to his grandparents and the animals of the ranch. He made sure in his last few days to go around saying goodbye to each and every one of them and giving them a treat. The first day he was home would be one of the saddest days of the year and both Alex and Luke, his best friends since they were in pre-school knew not to bother him on that day, he was grieving the happy atmosphere he got at his grandparents ranch and trying to prepare himself ready for his parents arguing all the time.
His biggest helpers in cheering him up from the next day were both Luke and Alex. The three of them were inseparable, having not seen each other as a three for a full summer. They spent their last remaining days before school started again with each other. They played on the beach together, they went for bike rides and traded stories of their summer, the laughter and happiness bright in their eyes.
The summer of their eighth year, they all made a pact that they’d start learning an instrument, so they could join the elementary school music programme. Reggie swapped between piano and banjo, something both his grandparents had taught him, his grandmother would play piano most of the evenings he was there and she was soon teaching him and his grandad had been playing banjo on off for years, Luke had started with piano himself, the two of them comparing notes they had from the summer together when they were reunited. Alex had started with a basic drum set, but he was killing it.
They kept developing their skills further and further as they went up to middle school, and then just two weeks before he was due to go to his grandparents for the summer between the sixth and seventh grade, his grandparents were killed in a fire at the ranch, destroying majority of the property and for the first time in his life, the stars in Reggie’s eyes died.
2)
By the time Reggie was 17, the stars were back. They were brighter than ever before. His grandparents passing hit him hard and it took a while for him to be able to look at the stars again, whenever night-time hit in the summer he would shrink into himself and go quiet. He also refused to touch either piano or banjo for two years. The memories were so tightly wound inside of him, the music flowing as he sat next to his nana on the piano, giggles flowing out of the youngest of the three as his grandfather danced around the piano, strumming the banjo.
He wouldn’t be who is now without them. It took time, but from help from Luke and Alex and their new friend Bobby, he regained his strength and was able to look at the stars once again. Stars which once again brought him comfort and a warmth in his chest, rather than the agony and heartache which blossomed across his chest for the first year after they died.
About six months after his grandparents passed away, his music teacher sat him down and spoke to him about what he wanted to, because as much as Alex and Luke had been trying to get him to play piano or play the banjo, it just wasn’t happening. He just couldn’t do it without seeing his grandparents. So, his music teacher suggested he started a new instrument. Which he did. He started learning bass guitar and he fell in love with music again.
They met Bobby when he moved schools at the start of high school. He’d been expelled from his last school for trying to protect his friend, so he joined the school not knowing anyone. The three of them ended up talking to him when they were in music and he ended up joining the friendship group.  They carried on playing and decided to start writing and playing music together, even though they could only currently afford to play at school, Alex had persuaded his parents to buy him a set of drums for his birthday and they were held in Bobby’s garage and Bobby had his own guitar but neither Luke or Reggie had their own guitars, Luke’s parents refused to buy him one as they believed he should be concentrating on his school work and the one time Reggie asked his parents if he could get one, he ended up in hospital getting stitches from a glass being chucked his way.
Reggie soon managed to pick up a weekend job, babysitting Alex’s younger siblings twice a week. Only it wasn’t really a job to him, he loved hanging out with the kids, and Alex to an extent. He fell back in love with stars one October night when he was babysitting them. Alex’s younger sister Alice was fast asleep upstairs, when Alex’s younger brother Adam snuck downstairs and joined both of them sat on the porch, watching the stars, cuddled in between them both.
Adam started pointing out the different stars, which for once were visible and as Reggie began explaining all of them, he fell back in love. He pictured not that long ago when it was him and his grandad sat there, in the exact same position and It was that moment he knew, as long as he kept his love for the stars up, his grandparents memories would always be with him.
Little did he see his best friends fond gaze as his eyes lit up with happiness explaining to the youngest boy about the different constellations. Alex knew his best friend had struggled coming to  terms with his grandparents passing and that he lost part of himself when they died, but as his best friend explained it all to his little brother, the passion and the part of him that he’d been lost since that horrible summer day fell back into place.
Nothing could ever bring Reggie’s grandparents back, but they could keep their memories alive. He was hooked again, and it showed. The happiness bled into his music as well and their practices became more vibrant and blooming with colour, them ignoring the fact that Reggie’s parents were arguing more than ever, that Alex’s wouldn’t speak to him unless Reggie was round babysitting, Luke’s were constantly on his back about college and Bobby’s were constantly at work.
It also got better when they surprised Luke with an acoustic guitar for his 17th birthday, Reggie had been getting more and more babysitting jobs thanks to Alex’s parents spreading the word and between him, Alex and Bobby they were able to cough up the money for it. Reggie was also able to buy his own bass guitar and they were able to start rehearsing in Bobby’s garage and attending gigs.
The happiness was flowing out of Reggie and into the other boys, expanding further when they got the call to say they were playing the Orpheum, it was hard to keep them calm in the weeks leading up to it. They just vibrated through life, it was like nothing else mattered besides that, it was the first step to the rest of their lives.
The night before they were due to play the Orpheum, the four of them clambered into Bobby’s van, the oldest of the group had got his licence first and drove them all to a field. It was late at night, but it was the best spot to see the stars. They’d organised a band night under the stars. A sense of normality before their lives changed for good.
It was rare at times to see the stars, the light pollution often hiding them from view. They’d come to this exact same spot the day Bobby got the van, the day they could really start going to gigs. Everything was going to change then, and everything was going to change now. It was everything they’d ever wanted, and it was within arms-reach.
They were laying side by side, Alex and Luke on the outside, Bobby, and Reggie on the inside, staring straight up at the stars. The soft breeze washing over them as the stars twinkled up above them and for a band who was usually so loud, it was silent. It was a peaceful silent though, the sort where you’re just enjoying one another’s company without having to start a conversation.
Reggie’s eyes were trailed on one particular star, not taking his eyes off it. “My grandad always swore we’d end up playing a gig one day.” He muttered, his eyes twinkling fondly. He could feel the others turning to look at him for a second, before turning back to the sky. “It’s like everything he ever taught me is coming down to tomorrow, I wouldn’t be who I am without him.”
The three boys around him, cuddled in closer to him, their arms tangling around each other, huddling in for the comfort they all knew. They’d been working their asses off to get to this point. Luke’s arm reaching over Bobby’s shoulder to run his hand through Reggie’s hair, from where he was cuddled into Bobby’s side. “They’d be proud of you, Reg.” Alex whispered, his hand curling around the other boys, trying to get as close as possible.
The band had always been affectionate, whether it was simple arm brushes or hair ruffling or side hugs, but it wasn’t often they got as affectionate as this. It was usually when one of them wasn’t feeling great or something had happened at home.
Luke half propped himself up on one elbow, turning to look at the three of them with fond eyes, his eyes tearing up slightly, as he looked at every single one of them. “Tomorrow. Tomorrow we’re going to play the biggest gig of career and it’s going to change everything for us, and I couldn’t imagine doing it without you guys. You’re my best friends. Each one of you is a part of my soul, my boys.”
The stars in Reggie’s eyes twinkled as tears built up in the corner of his eyes, trying to wrap his arms around his boys, trying to bring them in even closer. “I couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone else, you’re my family, the people I rely on the most, the people I’d go through hell and back for.” Reggie burrowed his head in Bobby’s chest, as Alex tucked his head in Reggie’s neck, Luke crowding them in even closer, so they were essentially just a pile of limbs tangled together.
Bobby leant down to press a soft kiss to each of their foreheads, he ignored the gut feeling in his stomach that something was going to happen, just not what they expected it to be. They stayed like that until it was the moment to go, curled up as one under the stars. It was only when Reggie, who was usually the one who got cold the quickest, started shivering that they detangled from one another.
Alex detangled himself from Reggie first, holding his hand out to the younger boy after he was stood up. Reggie grabbed hold of the offered hand, pushing himself up, Luke and Bobby doing the exact same on the other side. The three older boys started heading towards the car, but Reggie lagged back, calling their names softly as he stood looking at the stars still.
“Come dance with me!” He called, holding his hands out to the others with a bright grin and who were the others to deny that grin. That dopy, crooked grin that brought them so much happiness of the years. As soon as the three others were back in touching distance, he threw his head back and began to sing, a grin appearing across his face.
Home, what is it really?
Sometimes it’s a someone and not a place,
It’s that feeling of being safe,
It’s about who you’re with at the end of the day…
He began spinning the others round, throwing his arms around them as they danced under the stars, not caring that they were getting mud everywhere. His eyes shone happily as they danced around, pumping the three others up whether he knew it or not, his happiness was infectious. When Reggie was seriously happy like he was here, it showed, and it was hard to be down in the dumps around him.
He gathered the three boys close as he grew closer to the end of the song, tugging them all in for a giant hug, their heads pressed together in the middle as pants slipped through their lips, as Reggie sung the last lyric, changing it from before. “and it’s you. You’re home.” He sung softly, grinning brightly at the three others, his arms wrapped around both Luke and Bobby, his fingertips grazing Alex’s shoulder.
The four of them stood there for a few minutes, just embracing each other, and embracing their family. Before the heavens opened and drenched them. They raced back to the van, shoving each other over to try and get in the van first, before breaking out in peals of laughter, shaking the rain off them as Bobby started the van back up.
The stars shone in their eyes that night, but little did they know less than 24 hours later, a mere few hours before they were supposed to play the biggest gig of their life, their lives would change and not for the reason they were all expecting. and Reggie, whose stars had disappeared once before thought it was quite ironic, as he strained his neck trying to see the stars one last time from where he was laid on the floor, Alex and Luke who both had blood dripping from their mouths and nose, begging him to hold on, that the ambulance was on it’s way.
But Reggie knew. He knew they wouldn’t get there in time, he knew that it was more than likely his best friends would die as well.  It was a shame. He couldn’t see the stars from here, and as his eyes glazed over for one last time, and the stars in his eyes died for a second time, a single thought popped in his head.
Little stars coming home grandad.
3)
If dying was weird, then being a ghost was a hundred times weirder. He died first, he knew that one for sure, but he ended up waking back up in an ambulance a few minutes after, where he was joined by Luke and then Alex a few moments after. Poor Alex had to watch them both die by the time he finally died.
After Alex died, they were transported to the black room, where he could hear Alex crying but couldn’t get to him, it was strange. Alex sounded like he was an arms width away, but Reggie physically couldn’t get to him, his arms and legs just wouldn’t move. It smelt weird in the room, it didn’t smell of death like he expected it to, but it smelt like sadness and sorrow.
Luke was on the other side of him, he could tell that much for sure, he could smell his aftershave amongst the weird smell within the room and it’s the only thing that kept him from crying his eyes out. He physically couldn’t reach Luke either. Reggie tilted his head back against the black wall, closing his eyes as he wished that Bobby was okay.
As much as their oldest member of the band tried acting like he was strong and never cried, he was one of the softest people you’d ever meet and he loved his boys more than anything else in the world and losing them had probably broke Bobby more than anything else in the world. In some ways, he was glad that Bobby didn’t come with them to get hot dogs, so that he could live a happy and healthy life, get married, become famous and do everything they ever wanted to do in life.
Being a ghost was weird. That one was for sure, being a ghost in a band where people could only see you if you were performing? Well that was just even weirder. He wouldn’t change it for the world though, he loved Julie and he loved performing. Alex was finding happiness with Willie and everyone could see that Luke was pining heavily over Julie.
Reggie, well, Reggie was just happy being at least semi-alive, sure his family home had been destroyed and replaced and he had no clue whether anyone from his family was even alive anymore. But his friends were happy and that meant he was happy, right? The truth is he had no clue, he ended up poofing around the city a lot, trying to find the best places to stargaze.
He didn’t have anyone, his best friends were busy and of course he was happy for them, but he missed them. He missed Bobby, who apparently now went by Trevor and was old(er) and had a daughter and stole Luke’s music. Sometimes, he’d just go to Bobby’s, he wouldn’t tell the others instead he’d just tell them he’s searching for his family, but he’d go sit in with Bobby. Luke wouldn’t understand, he was still too angry over everything and Alex probably wouldn’t understand properly.
He kept a smile on his face, something he’d mastered back when he was alive, if the others had focused long enough, they would’ve noticed it had become fake and that the stars in his eyes had diminished. They were just busy. They were always busy. Just like his mum and dad were at first.
One of the good things about being a ghost was that he could poof wherever he wanted to. He saw a video of the northern lights in Iceland and within two minutes of him wishing he was there he was physically there. He could lay down and watch them for hours without getting cold or needing to go inside to use the toilet or to eat.
It was at those moments when he felt the most peace, he felt free. He had nothing restricting him, he wasn’t under pressure to rehearse with the band or put up a smile when all he want to do was cry, he just got to breathe and be at peace with the same stars which had brought him so much happiness over the years.
He ran away at one point. It was not long after they first met Caleb, when they had the first shock. Alex was out with Willie, trying to understand what had happened and Luke was writing songs with Julie in the garage and Reggie just poofed on top of Mauna Kea. He couldn’t take being there anymore, there was too much sadness and too much pain and he couldn’t take it.
When he eventually went back, he’d near enough got his ass kicked by the others. He only thought he’d been gone for a few hours at max, when in fact he’d been gone for three days. Three days and his best friends had gone mental with worry, thinking either Caleb’s shocks had got him for good, or that he’d completed his unfinished business and they hadn’t got a chance to say goodbye.
His boys meant the world to him, they always had. They were his family, through thick and thin. They’d died together, just mere minutes apart and honestly, Reggie thought they were going to cross over together as well. But then they played the Orpheum and honestly, it felt like a fever dream, the one thing they’d always wanted to do, ever since they were kids messing about making music.
But everything changed. They didn’t crossover and Reggie had never been more confused. He could touch Julie now; Ray and Carlos could see him at times. (That one was a fun one to explain to Ray at least, Carlos was just happy that he could see them). Willie and Alex spent more and more time together, the drummer coming back late at night, and besides band practice, it was likely he never saw them anymore. Luke and Julie swapped between writing songs in the garage and spending time together when they weren’t practicing. It was like everyone else in the band was cracking on with their lives and Reggie, well Reggie felt like he was left in the dust.
He didn’t know anyone else and he didn’t want to bug Ray by spending all his time with him, so he went exploring. He went everywhere he could, he went to volcanos and let himself go diving in the lava, just to see what it felt like, it’s not like it would actually kill him. And after treating the lava like his own personal swimming pool because why the fuck not, he’d lay on the edge of the crater and just lay there, one hand behind his head and look up at the stars.
He didn’t see the concerned glances behind his head, after he bailed out on another plan the band had tried to organise. He didn’t see the frown on Luke’s face as they did their usual mic share and the lights didn’t shine like they did. He didn’t see the group meetings they called, getting everyone together; Luke, Alex, the Molina’s, Flynn, Willie, near enough everyone in their group. They even went as far as checking in with Bobby.
Nobody knew what was wrong with him, it’s like he’d hidden away all his thoughts and feelings, to the point where he was a shell of himself. The others were constantly concerned, concerned that he’d cross over on his own or that he’d go and join Caleb, that they’d never see him again or know what happened to him.
So, they set a plan in place. The stars in his eyes had faded again and it was their job to get them back. No matter what.
+1)
Reggie was completely oblivious to the plan his friends were putting in place. He spent most of his days wondering different sections of the Earth. He’d been swimming with penguins, he’d been to the biggest library in the world, he went to different planetariums around the world, trying his hardest to find happiness or find his way to crossover.
The thought of crossing over alone didn’t scare him anymore. Why would being alone scare him when he’d always been alone? He followed random people on his journeys, watching their lives, how their eyes twinkled when they were with the people, they cherished the most. He wanted that, more than anything else in the world.
For once in his life he just wanted to be wanted. For someone to hold his hand and tell him everything’s going to be okay. He’d always had someone else, ever since he was younger. He didn’t have his parents, but he had his grandparents and then after they died, he had the band. Only now he didn’t, and it broke his heart.
He didn’t even know what day it was at this point, the days just blended together, all into one. He’d spend a day in one country, pop home to check on the Molina’s and his boys, do band practice and then pop to another country. It was a cycle he couldn’t get out of. He didn’t want to see the pity in their eyes for Reggie, the left over one.
He popped back one Thursday evening, he only knew what day it was because his most recent follow, was an English university student, who only had lectures on a Thursday and a Tuesday. She was a fun one to follow, purely because they were in similar states, she was far away from home at university and was often pushed aside. Even though she couldn’t see him, he’d taken a soft spot for her.
The lights were all off in the garage for once, which was strange on a good day. Even if they didn’t have practice that day, the lights were usually on as at least once person was usually in the garage. But this time there was complete and utter silence and he didn’t like it one bit. He flicked the light on, blinking as his bandmates appeared in front of the piano, almost like they’d been waiting for him to come back.
“Guys?” He questioned, looking back between Luke and Alex with a slight frown on his face. “What’s going on?” Alex’s face relaxed slightly, storming towards the shorter boy, before pulling him into his arms. “You were late for the check in time.” Was the only answer the taller boy gave, shoving his face into the younger’s hair, taking a deep breathe in to confirm that he was there.
Reggie felt another pair on arms join in on the hug, a somehow warm body pressing himself into his side. The three of them just standing there in the middle of the garage, not wanting to release from the hug. Alex was the first to step back, wiping his face roughly, to rid himself of the few tears that had dripped down his face.
Luke didn’t let go of Reggie that easily, he broke the hug only to wrap his arm around the slightly younger boys’ shoulder, bringing him to sit down on the couch, between Alex and himself. The tension between the three of them was almost unbearable, both Alex and Luke turning slightly towards Reggie, both of them having a mental battle about who would start the conversation first.
In the end, Luke just went for it, grabbing onto one of the younger boys’ hands and linking it with his own. He gave it a tight squeeze as he began to speak. “I don’t know what’s been going through your head recently, Bug, but you need to let us in.” Alex took his right hand in his own and repeated Luke’s actions, while still giving him space, not wanting to overwhelm him.
“We know you’ve been travelling, Reg, but we miss you.” Alex whispered, like if he spoke too loudly it would disturb the peace within the garage. “It feels like we haven’t seen you in weeks and every time we try and speak to you, you pull away a bit further.”
Reggie just continued looking at his feet, knowing that the moment he looked at the two boys surrounding him, he’d open his mouth and let everything he felt slip straight out of his mouth. Unluckily, he didn’t have that option, Luke used two fingers to lift the others chin up, looking him straight in the eye. Those wide hazel eyes, which could have him spilling his secrets in minutes.
“You’re not okay. Don’t try and tell us you are, because we know you’re not and we want to help, Reg.” They were pushing, but not pushing enough to overwhelm him and it was at that moment that Reggie realised just how well his best friends knew him. They always had known him better than he knew himself.
Reggie took a shuddering breathe in, not that he actually needed to be able to breathe, but more to prepare himself for the fact once he started talking, he’d never stop. His emotions were so tightly wound inside of him and as Alex used to say, he wore his heart on his sleeve. He tore his eyes down to his lap again and Luke let him, instead waiting for the younger boy to start.
“I just, I feel so along at times.” He whimpered softly, bringing his knees up to his chest, resting his chin on his knees, as he felt his best friends shift a little bit, to squish him between them. “Alex has Willie and you have Jules and I just, I missed my best friends. I love Julie and Willie, I really do and I’m glad they make you happy, because that’s all I’ve ever wanted in life, for you two to be happy and to find peace in your lives.”
The tears which had been brimming in his eyes for the past few minutes had started to drip down his face and into the material of his jeans. “I just, I got so used to being the person that nobody wanted, my parents didn’t want me, you guys didn’t want me and that you guys were happier without me.” He took a shuddering breath in, refusing to look at either as he uttered the last words, tears dripping down his face even heavier.
“I thought you’d be better with me gone.”
The two sudden intakes of breathe would haunt Reggie for the next few weeks, the shock and horror behind them, as both the others tightened their grips on his hands, before Alex knelt down Infront of him, the blondes eyes tracing across his face, before pulling him into a tight hug, pressing Reggie’s head into his neck.
“Don’t you ever, ever fucking say that.” He whispered harshly, tears dripping down his own face. The horror was visible across Luke’s face as he stared at the two of them in disbelief. “Our lives wouldn’t be worth living if you were gone. We’ve been in this together from the start, us three against the world, way before Bobby, way before poisonous hot dogs and ghosts and crushes.”
Luke who had remained quiet since the admission, tangled his arms around them both. “You’re never alone, Bug. You’ve always got us, you’ve always had us, and you always will, even after we’ve crossed over, we’ll always be together, even if we’re apart.” The three of them were crying, the emotions they’d all had bundled up since they died coming loose and open.
“I love you guys.” Reggie whispered, his eyes twinkling, even with tears streaming down his face, the stars were back, still a bit faded, but they were back. Just like they liked.
“We love you too, more than you would ever know.” Luke nuzzled Reggie’s head, pressing a soft kiss to the younger boy’s forehead, before Alex repeated the action to both of them. The three of them stayed there wrapped up in each other, taking comfort in them all just being there, being with one another.
One by one they fell asleep, still tangled together. For that night nothing could disturb them. Julie woke them up after she got home from school, running and diving on them, wrapping her arms around as much of the three ghosts as she could manage. She’d been worried sick the night before, but both Alex and Luke had sent her to bed just before midnight when she could barely contain the yawns escaping her.
It was at that moment that Reggie knew he was home. He always thought the stars were his home, after all, they’d brought him so much comfort and joy over the years, but, at that exact moment, he knew they were his home. Julie who helped bring music back into their lives, to achieve their goals. Willie who made Alex the happiest that Reggie had ever seen, who helped him accept his own sexuality as well. Flynn, who would constantly keep them happy and entertained when they were down. Carlos who Reggie adored like a little brother, that he’d do anything to keep the smile on the young boy’s face. Ray, who he loved like a dad, who loved his little brother and sister like his world depended on it.
Luke, joyful, precious, happy Luke. His best friend, the boy that would protect him from anything if he had the option. Luke would walk through fire if it meant that the people, he loved were happy. Alex who would constantly crack them up laughing with his sarcastic comments, but loved with his whole entire heart, that took care of them when they were sad or feeling down, who had plasters and bandages in his bag, ready to take care of them if their dumbasses got injured again. Bobby, who even though he stole the bands songs, was one of the kindest people you’d ever meet, he lost everything the day the three of them died and still carried on living, when most others would have given up.
He loved them.
And they loved him, more than he would ever know.
-
-
So, it was no surprise when Reggie crossed over a few weeks later, the stars in his eyes glittering brightly, as he hugged his best friends, told Willie and Julie to take care of his boys, waved at Flynn, Carlos, Ray and Bobby. He went covered in his best friend’s love, he could feel Alex’s arms around his waist, Luke’s around his shoulders. He went knowing he was loved that he’d never be alone, no matter what. It was that moment, Reggie Peters found peace.  
Little star went home for one last time.
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goodluckdetective · 3 years
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So a few days after my post theorizing why SPN had the ending it did and the fandom split concept, I thought I’d follow up on it with why I thought this might be the case. This is a post meant for both viewers and non-viewers.
Before I get into it, two things. First, I’m not excusing what the show did: I think what they did was shitty and they could have given both sides of the fandom an acceptable ending. I just want to explain why they might have thought that ending might fly. Second, I watched Supernatural from seasons 5-10 live, to give you sorta a screenshot into where my insight is coming from. 
Okay, onto the meta.
So for those who are not viewers there are two eras of Supernatural, at least in my brain. Those eras can be subdivided further but I’m going to stick with two for the purposes of this post.
Season 1-5 is the Kripke era. The show in this era was constantly about to be canceled (it survived by the skin of it’s teeth every time) and more importantly, was pre-planned. Seasons 1-5, to an extent, were thought of ahead of time in general story arc. I don’t know how detailed that was, but long story short, there was an end point. Season 5 was meant to be the last season.
The season 6 renewal shocked everyone. Which brings us to era two, which I like to call the comic book era for reasons that will soon become clear.
Seasons 6-15 are the comic book era. I refer to it as such due to some similarities the era has to comics: the storylines from season to season weren’t planned out super in advance (at least not in a chunk of 5), head writers/show runners changed, and thus direction could shift from season to season. This will be familiar to comics fans where some runs of Batman are intolerable while others are fantastics, yet they are all Batman. 
I want to focus on the comic book era and what I tended to define as the build and purge.
What I noticed during my time watching seasons 6-10 was a cycle the show would fall into, usually from season to season. The cycle was as follows:
1. Build up the supporting cast to give the Winchester’s people to rely on 
2. Have a bit of a more varied cast and plot line show with the brothers at the center
3. Purge that supporting cast either by killing them off or by writing them out.
4. Have a bit of just Sam and Dean against the world.
5. Realize “fuck this is kinda a bummer” and build up a new supporting cast aka repeat step 1. 
Generally, the purge was to raise the stakes, but it also was usually due to “wanting to get back to the core of the show” aka the two brothers vs the world. I would argue the show outgrew that format after season 3 and for the better, but I always assumed that because there is a substantial base that likes it just to be Sam and Dean, the purges would be set forth to allow that to happen. They also allowed the writers to “raise the stakes” tho once you knew the cycle it didn’t really work, as it was the same story, different faces. 
Anyway, to support my argument of the cycle, here’s the seasons in question:
Season 6: Neither a purge or a build season but began to learn into the slaughter fest that was season 7 with Rufus and Castiel’s turn to evil. 
Season 7: The first big PURGE season, like holy shit. Bodies left and right. Bobby, Frank (who they introduced and killed in the same season). Cas came back and then got sidelined in the same episode. Some character’s were introduced, but they were one offs until season 8 except for Garth.
Season 8: The first big build season. Kevin and his Mom, Charlie, more Garth. This is the season the Winchester’s get to have friends boy howdy. Cas even is around and while he’s being a bit mind controlled, his presence is there. We have some deaths, it is Supernatural, but there are folks to lean on.
Season 9: ALL HAIL THE SECOND PURGE. Zeke is brought in to fridge Kevin and make a reason to keep Cas out of the bunker despite that making 0 sense. Cas has a stolen grace plot later and an army, idk, it made very little sense but it meant he was away most of the time. Zeke is also brought in to override all of Dean’s previous character development. Garth becomes a werewolf and is forcibly retired. Charlie is sent off to Oz where she (god we wished) can be written off without dying. 
Season 10: A bit of a mix, but I put it under a Purge (electric slide).  Charlie is brought back to be shoved in the fridge, I cannot think of anyone who got added this season it was a bummer. We get some character’s that will become supporting cast later on like in season 7, but so much death. No fun allowed. 
Anyway, the show rapidly bounced between found family, back to “us vs. the world” then back to found family and rinse and repeat. I always saw it as the writers being torn between the two audiences, flipping back and forth to appease one or the other. Which meant consistency was up in the air and neither sides were pleased for long. But it kept both watching by jumping between the two to give them enough to stick around. Or at least, so I think.
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The Hunter, The Demon, And The Halfblood
Tumblr media
Masterlist
Crowley x Original Female Character
Chapters: One | Two | Three | Four
Series Warnings: A/B/O series, some Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamics, Alpha x Omega, obligatory smut warning here (as usual, no under 18′s please, specifics will be within chapter warnings as needed), violence, blood, fluff, angst, major character death, possession, swearing
Chapter 5
Words: 2,556
Crowley was glad to finally get Madelyn alone properly for a moment, knowing that none of them would come upstairs in a hurry.  He was still wishing it hadn't come to this, but neither of them had a choice now.
It was clear Madelyn was relieved to be alone as well, holding tightly to him as he led her to the bedroom door.
“You are far from alright,” Crowley said softly, allowing her to rest against the wall so he can get a proper look at her.  “Whatever am I going to do with you?”
Madelyn, despite the pain, grinned.  “I can think of several things.”
Crowley returned it, stepping in close so he can rest his forehead against hers.  “Don't let your brothers hear that, they're high strung enough about this as it is.”
“They'll get over it,” Madelyn closed her eyes, just allowing the two of them to be still. “Besides, once they find out the next part, they won't have a choice in the matter anyway.”
“They don't have a choice now,” Crowley growled, his hand hovering over the wound in her side.  “Nor, do I believe, did they ever have a choice.”
Madelyn sighs, her arms looping around his neck.  “I'm glad you're okay Crowley.”
Crowley relaxes and dips his head, placing a chaste kiss to her lips.  “I'm glad you're okay too love.”
She nudges his nose slightly with hers.  “You probably shouldn't stay up here too long, they'll start to wonder what happened.”
“Let them wonder,” Crowley's lips hovered over hers.  “There's something I have to do first.”
Madelyn hums as he pressed his lips back to hers, pressing her a little firmly against the wall, one hand just over the wound on her stomach.  The kiss is deep and slow, but it had more purpose than to just rile the other up.
A small trickle of blood ran down the corner of Madelyn’s lips, a small shudder going through her, her hands bunching in his jacket, trying to keep him close.
She had to break off, allowing herself to breath, both their lips stained red.
Crowley kissed her softly. “Does that feel better?”
“A little,” She breathes, her tongue sweeping over his bottom lip.  “You know they aren't going to like this.”
His thumb cleans the blood that had trickled down and presses it against her lips, allowing her to take it into her mouth.  “It doesn't have to come up.”
“They'll figure it out,” Madelyn said softly.  “And they are upset enough as it is without trying to hide that too.  Not to mention, if there is an…incident.”
Crowley thinks for a moment, clearly concerned, but sighs, pressing another soft kiss to her lips. “Go and get some rest love, I'm sure I can manage for a little while, as much as they probably don’t want me to.”
Madelyn smiles softly. “At least Casey won't come down, she loves curling up next to me still.”
“Something I hope she never grows out of.”  Crowley opened the door quietly for her, Casey still fast asleep in the bed.  “At least she seems to be resting easily.”
There was no hiding the worry in Madelyn's expression.  “I hope we've done what's right for her Crowley, I really do.”
Crowley nods and gently leads her in.  “Get some rest love.”
Madelyn blows him a kiss, letting Crowley smile as he closes the door.
She quietly gets herself comfortable on the bed, a soft smile coming to her as Casey stirs a little and instinctively curls into her side.  Madelyn couldn't tell her brothers yet, but she wouldn't trade Casey in for anything in the world, no matter what had happened in between all that.
Downstairs, Crowley had taken up Madelyn’s seat, aware, but ignoring, the three slightly impatient and uncomfortable glares from the three other men in the room.
“You're lucky you're getting this much,” Crowley said lightly.  “If I had it my way, details would be kept far more to a minimum.”
“Come on Crowley,” Dean growled.  “Just get on with it.”
Crowley shoots Dean a grin. “Well, as I was saying, your sister was far more intelligent than you two, and actually managed to finally track me down in all that pre-purgatory mess.  I wasn't too pleased about it, but I have to give credit where it’s due.”
Madelyn glared at Crowley, her arms folded across her chest.  “A compliment?  That's really what you're offering me?”
Crowley shrugs easily. “What would you prefer? A blade to your throat?  A gun to your head?  A compliment is far more entertaining.”
He wasn't a fool, he knew that she could reach for her gun quickly, and he also knew that there was a chance she could've learnt a new trick or two.  Madelyn was incredibly, and infuriatingly, resourceful.
For what it was worth though, Madelyn didn't seem to be there to fight.
She rolled her eyes, doing her best to hide her irritation.  “Right.  Look, you're the one in charge downstairs now, right?  So can you do anything about Sam's soul or not?”
“Why? Is he having performance issues?”
“Cut the shit Crowley,” Her eyes flashed dangerously at him.  “I'm not in the mood.  I know full well that you know what’s going on with those two.”
Crowley chuckled. “Always straight to it, makes a nice change.  To answer you honestly, no, I can't do anything for little Moose’s soul.  It's trapped in a little cage with a big bad Lucifer, and I have very little interest in that being opened again.  I'm sure you can understand why.”
Madelyn observes him, her mind thinking.  “And here I was thinking that the King of Hell would have access to all the perks.”
He knew her well enough by now to know that she was now just buying herself time, trying to get the information she needed.  “Don’t underestimate me darling, it wouldn’t be a wise decision considering just how vulnerable you are here.  Considering what you were going through last time as well…”
“Vulnerable?”  She raises an eyebrow, ignoring the second comment. “And here I was thinking that we’d built up enough of a rapport with each other to discuss things civilly.  Or did I actually make an error on that?”
Crowley chuckles, unable to help it.  “Oh, you are far too interesting for that Madelyn, unlike those brothers of yours, but if you actually stay here much longer, then I will have to take action.”
Madelyn’s eyes narrow on him, her eyes doing a quick scan of the room.  “What are you up to Crowley?  You’re being far too cautious and calm for your own good.  Especially around me.”
He smirks.  “Would you care to handle this one Feathers?”
The sigh from Castiel made her jump, quickly taking several steps back from the angel, eyeing between the two of them cautiously.
“I warned you not to go looking,” Castiel said, a little firmly to her.  “To stay with Sam and Dean.  It would’ve been far safer.”
“Like I’m going to listen to you, I barely listen to them.”  She said flatly.  “And the fact that you’re working with him, really doesn’t improve my opinion of you.”
Castiel sighed.  “This is an awkward enough situation as it is Crowley, why did you call me here?  Sam and Dean will be on us quicker than anything if something happens to her.”
“Have you currently seen Sam?”  Madelyn asked bitterly, cutting off Crowley.  “He’s just a little bit of an arsehole, which is the only reason I even ended up here. Discovering you two are up to something, however, is far more interesting, as here I thought not long having one apocalypse would’ve been more than enough for both of you, or am I reading that wrong?”
Castiel flinched, but Crowley held her gaze, amused.  “You’re acting like it’s not going to be beneficial.”
“And you’re acting like I’m going to trust the word of a demon and a renegade angel,” She replied. “Why don’t you both just cut the shit? Surely it must be tiring?”
Crowley smirks and his gaze moves to Castiel.  “I’m sure we can keep her out of the way somewhere, at least enough so the boy wonders won’t worry?”
Castiel sighed.  “It’s bad enough lying to them, let alone doing that as well.”
“What’s a few more lies?” Crowley shrugs.  “Besides, it’s one less hunter to work around.  A rather painful one at that.”
“Oh, I don’t think-” Madelyn collapses, a simple touch from Castiel rendering her unconscious.
Dean stares at Crowley.  “So who the hell was texting us throughout all that?”
Crowley smirks.  “Who do you think Dean?  Feathers lacked the imagination and I have to admit, it was a lot of fun.”
Dean pursed his lips, looking less than impressed.
Sam was frowning.  “So what, you just kept her aside somewhere?   I can’t imagine Maddie standing for that, nor do I remember her ever mentioning it.”
There was no missing the slight unease in Crowley’s expression.  “Well, there may have been a good reason for that, and before you all start saying something, it was unintentional on both our parts.”
They stared at him, Bobby sighing heavily.  “Let me guess, you underestimated her.”
“A little,” He admitted.  “I wasn’t quite expecting the determination she would have in trying to get herself out of the situation, no matter how comfortable I made it for her.”
“Comfortable?”  Dean growled. “Like you would ever make something comfortable for one of us.”
“You need to understand,” Crowley said.  “At that time, I was still intending to get her onside.  One can hardly do that through torture, especially to a Winchester, not to mention Feathers was more than determined to keep her whole.  So yes, we tried to make her comfortable, as much as I’m sure that seems strange to you.”
“But you both forgot that it was Mads,” Bobby shook his head. “The only time she is comfortable is out on the road hunting.”
“Yes, or at least making my life a living hell,” Crowley said. “Which is exactly what she did once she learnt the…routine of things.  See, Castiel and I were hardly going to let anyone else near her, and as Castiel was usually strongly invested in keeping you three occupied, especially after Sam got his soul back, then it left me to keep things as civil and normal as possible.”
“Unfortunately,” He continued.  “She quickly made other plans.  Managed to construct herself a devils trap for me.  I thought we could’ve avoided the whole situation by not giving her anything to write or hurt herself with, however, as usual with you Winchester’s, you are more resourceful than that.  She crafted herself a small weapon, one that would go unnoticed, and slowly, I would imagine quiet painfully, constructed herself a devils trap out of her own blood.”
Sam sighed.  “Of course she did, and judging by the way this is going, you walked straight into it?”
Crowley looks less than pleased.  “It wasn’t my finest moment.  I had gotten…complacent…with her.  I had figured that I had her exactly where I wanted her.”
“Just another wonderful day in paradise,” Crowley said as he enters the room, barely even glancing at Madelyn, who was leaning against the headboard of a large, bare bed, glaring at him.  “Don’t worry, I’m sure your brothers will notice you missing eventually.  Although, their returning messages give zero indication of suspecting anything.”
“Funny,” She said thickly, not moving from the bed.  “I wasn’t aware that I had to rely on them for rescue.”
He places some food and drink down at the table, casting her a smirk.  “I never said you did darling, but you do seem to be taking this all rather well, all things considered.”
If he’d been paying proper attention, he would’ve seen the small makeshift blade she was spinning in her hand.
“Like I’ve had much of a choice,” She clipped.  “But don’t worry, I promise I’m coming up with all sorts of plans for you.”
Crowley chuckles. “Now that I like to hear.  Only good plans I hope?”
Her eyes flash. “You’ll just have to wait and find out.”
To Crowley, the interaction had been no different to normal, however, as he went to leave, still chuckling, he found himself suddenly frozen in his steps, unable to move any further.
He glances down and discovers that it hadn’t been the carpet he’d been walking on, that the sheets from the bed were covering what was clearly made beneath it.
Madelyn smirks. “Getting a little out of touch, are we?”
Crowley glares at her. “And just what is it you intend to do here, darling?  You still can’t leave this room, and if you keep me locked up like this, then there’s going to be no more food and drink coming in.”
“Guess we’re at a bit of an impasse then,” She said lightly.  “Because you’re not getting out of that trap unless I say so.”
“It’s on carpet-”
“And I’ve been here for a while now,” She said.  “Don’t think I haven’t thought this through Crowley, you’ve given me more than enough for that.  I would’ve thought you’d know by now, never let a woman, especially a hunter, think too long, you never know what she’s going to come up with.”
He grits his teeth. “So, what is your suggestion then?”
Madelyn shrugs. “Honestly, at the moment, this is more than amusing for me.  The oh so powerful King of Hell, trapped and powerless, and the only one that can come and save him is off somewhere, more than likely, looking after my brothers.” She grins.  “Who’s the damsel in distress now?”
Crowley wasn’t impressed, although he could applaud her tenacity.  His eyes narrowed her for a moment, a sudden thought occurring to him, a slow grin coming to him, one she doesn’t notice, preoccupied with the blade in her hand.  “Oh darling, I do believe that that is still you.”
“Oh?” She said, only half interested.  “And what makes you come to that conclusion?”
“Your heat,” He said casually, making the knife stop in her hand as she glances at him.  “Just how many tablets do you have left?  No doubt you got a stern warning from the doctors about it after our last encounter.”
Madelyn scoffs and keeps spinning the knife, but her voice wasn’t as convincing as she wanted it to be.  “Keep dreaming.  I have myself well and truly within control.”
“We’ll see,” Crowley said lightly, deciding to play her game pulling up a chair and sitting down. “I seem to remember the last time I found you that you were almost wild with it.  This time, I can promise, I won’t be so generous as to get you to a hospital.”
She makes an indignant noise as she gets up from the bed.  “Hoping to put me in my place Crowley?  Fat chance.”
He shrugs.  “I won’t have to do anything.  You’re going to beg me for it.”
Madelyn makes a disgusted noise and strides past him, heading to the bathroom.  “Good luck winning this one.  We’ll see who cracks first.”
Crowley smirks as the door closes behind her.  “Oh, we’ll definitely see love, but it’s not going to go the way you want it too.”
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unkemptcastiel · 3 years
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SPN Finale
I try to limit w/ank on this blog so in the midst of reblogging posts that share my discontentment for the series ending, I don't want to end this show on sole negativity, because it means so much to me. So I'm gonna sum up my feelings on the ending, good and bad. Then I’m going to try to focus on having fun, reblogging memes and reliving good memories with the show and the fandom. 
Good:
As far as the show has communicated, everyone is happy. Dean, Sam, Bobby, Rufus, John & Mary, Cas, all apparently happy. Yay!
I like that heaven's walls were taken down. That's something that never felt right to me and seemed indicative of heaven's problems in general- like the fact that everything was so harshly ordered to the point of isolating humans in farces of happiness-bubbles of recreated memories, that all just felt a bit fake and like a symptom of the larger problem of how angels viewed and treated humans. So I'm happy they changed that! :)
I like Betty as new Death.
OH I also liked the brief re-intro of the two archangels. It may have been a little wasted, (but this is the positivity section!) but it was a dynamic I wanted to see for ages. Also lucifer calling michael a cuck: Amazing.
I'm glad Jack didn't die. He's my son and I love him.
Also the thing with the dog & chuck.. pure comedy gold. Amazing.
Confusing:
I'm a little confused what happens to the dimensional "repeat" characters, like.. are there two bobby's chilling next door to each other in heaven, of bobby and apocalypse-world bobby? It's not a huge issue it just wasn't really addressed.
I'm also wondering if angels are basically extinct now? Like Cas is apparently ok but last we heard there were like 7 whole angels left. How's that goin. Hello?
I'm assuming hell is operating per usual? It's been a while since we've seen Rowena but I think she's still running things. A little unsure of where the balance lies between heaven and hell just due to how decimated the angels are.
I'm assuming Jody, and Alex, and Claire and all them are good? Would've liked a check-in of some sort on the recurring characters tbh. There was a lot of me and my friend asking "... So what happened to them?" about side characters who we never really got any goodbye for.
Also same with Amara being kinda written off.
Speaking of, was the woman Sam ended up with Eileen?? It was unclear to me. If not, I wish they would've mentioned her; she's a character I care about a lot.
Bad (Let’s say “Critique”):
The shows writing has dipped each season imo, and this season often felt particularly hollow. I'm not quite sure how to better communicate it beyond... The way it was shot, the dialogue, every behind-the-scenes choice just felt... Off. It was very off-putting, all season for me.
The "Destiel" thing: I’m sorry, it still felt queerbaiting. I'm queer myself but I've never personally really shipped destiel, nor any ship amongst the main trio. So, while not being very invested in a romantic form of Dean+Cas's relationship, I still felt that the confession was used more as a last-minute ploy to attract queer fans who may have since left the show, or in some attempt to make everyone happy, make it ambiguous so both queer and het fans wouldn't feel like their understanding of dean & cas was infringed on. I understand that, from a show-ending perspective, especially from a show that owes so much to its fans, that they'd want to please everybody. Unfortunately, queer representation is still lacking enough that anything outside of clear, unambiguous GAY that no one could argue is anything else, is still sort of regressive and potentially harmful to the LGBTQ+ community. So it ended up feeling like a throw-away, last-minute-gays but still semi-hetero cop-out situation, sadly. (I also think the release of the script was very deliberate in stressing that Dean cannot reciprocate whatever feelings Cas has. It communicated to me "MAYBE a non-human character could be ambiguously-maybe-queer but one of the two leads? Absolutely not.")
On that note --perhaps as a result of the confession scene-- the boys' relationship with Cas felt really weird in the end. For someone they've known and fought with for 12 years, the idea that they wouldn't even look for a way to save him ... It felt OOC, painting Dean and Sam as kind of heartless. I also feel that having Cas saved off-screen and never reappearing on-screen was generally.. a little disrespectful to Misha. His performance of Castiel literally changed the show for the rest of its run (if you're unaware, he was supposed to have a few episodes in s4 and that's it. His performance floored fans so much that he was signed on as a recurring character and eventual series main). So treating him as an afterthought felt callous, both in-show-universe and out here in the real world, show business-wise.
I don't care that Dean was killed by "a nail." I don't care lol. As long as the character didn't die of dysentery or something it doesn't read as stupid or humiliating, imo. I saw it and was like "ye shit happens." And Sam left to live a normal life- Good! My boy’s happy. 
My primary issue with how Dean & Sam's lives and deaths went was this:
They make the entire show seem pointless.
To explain: the way that Sam and Dean's lives were going before the events of the pilot were: Dean is hunting primarily on his own, Sam is lined up to live a normal and happy life and eventually start a family of his own. It is discussed many times early-seasons that Dean expects to die early, due to the dangers of hunting, even though it is revealed that he also deeply wants a safe and happy life, he feels it is unattainable. Sam loves his family, but just wants out, and is getting to have that. 
Usually in fiction, if an arc is set up then change is to occur to resolve the arc in a new and hopefully better place than it was originally. 15x20 however, looked at s1 Dean and Sam and said "Yep you guessed it exactly right." In-universe, their lives were on these paths once Sam left and went to college, which was a pre-pilot event. The "inciting incident" of the show, which acts as the pilot and which causes the rest of the show to happen in the first place, is Sam leaving his path for normality and returning to hunting. By ending this show with Dean dying on a hunt like he always expected, and Sam leaving to live a normal life with a family like he always originally planned: this arc is negated. We’re basically put right back in a pre-pilot spn world.
This ending was all already lined up to happen pre-pilot. This was ALREADY going to be their lives before the show ever started in 2005-- as a result, the show's events were just a bunch of messiness and conflict in the middle; but spn still ended for the boys the way it would have if basically all the events of the show 2005-2020 just never happened.
So it makes the show seem superfluous, and to me as a viewer it felt insulting because it felt like we ended right where we started, or we went backwards, and it implied that it was a waste of time to even watch the show if it was always going to end the same no matter what events transpired in between. THAT'S what upset me by this ending.
tl;dr: The show's writing felt rushed, confused, and emotionally hollow. As such, we didn't get to see much on the many side characters we care about, which was disappointing. The disappearance of Cas made him seem insignificant and the way each brother's life went was exactly as they were going before the events of the pilot, thus their lives were filled with extra needless pain and turmoil before ending the way they always expected, making the entirety of the show's events and its existence seem useless. Because I loved these characters and invested near a decade into them, this feels insulting to me on the characters' behalf, and on my own behalf as a viewer. That's my issue with the 15x20 ending.
However, I still take more positivity out of this show as a whole than negativity. I’m grateful it even existed in the first place, and that is what I want to try to focus on. 15x20 is one episode. Are there more episodes I dislike? Sure. But they are still a minority in a show that will hold my love for.. the forseeable future. So to every fan, those who disliked the ending and those who loved it, you’re valid, I’m glad I got to know some of you, & 
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