#just ZM talking about themself

[zeravmeta]

🖊

Aye, let me regale you all of my FFXIV OC who technically doesn't exist because I don't play FFXIV and have only had the lore explained to me by mutuals

So imagine a guy, right? John 'Warrior of Light' Fantasy from FFXIV is whoever you need them to be, and she's also full of a bunch of different versions of themself like Fray and the John Fantasies of Fantasies past and also haunted by Zenos' own shadow self (maybe).

WOL is just Built Different as per the events of the game, surviving things they shouldn't, getting body snatched, soul split apart, the whole nine yards of anime things that happen to people to hurt them. However, they don't ever actually die, because they are the aforementioned super badass hero who ends the cycle of shit once and for all, as Hydaelyn says herself "Now all of you will Walk to your Ends after the Warrior of Light Brings the Shadows."

Having been explained that, I took all the bits of the lore and went "What if my WOL was a zombie?" and thus, we have Z.M., otherwise known as Zombie Mailman (Note: I suck at naming my OC's so I always just have tagline code names for them, but Zombie Mailman is actually called Z.M. because it's funny that he has an actual tagline name of his initials without knowing how on the nose it is)

The basic idea for this guy is that FFXIV is full of guys who don't die: Emmet-Selch, Zenos, the Primals, Niddhog, etc, all these dudes who persist out of spite and willpower for all their various reasons. However, despite all the noble/terrible goals they each try to sell you on, they all share a pretty important distinction: They're super unhappy. All of them are immortals but they also fucking HATE being alive for one reason or another, so I took this concept and went:

"What if the Warrior of Light was sent from Hell to deliver these immortals their last rites? After an eternity of suffering, they've clearly forgotten how to die, so the emissary of hell isn't here to drag them back but to help them pass along." And thus, my WOL OC is a literal zombie mailman who runs around working as a mail delivery man and moonlighting as a world saving hero because Someone needs to help these poor saps fucking die already.

Furthermore, all WOL's in canon just kind of appear one day, so the way my John Fantasy gets Fantasy'd is that he literally just crawls out of the ground naked in true zombie fashion, gets found by the Delivery Moogles and the Lalafel Post Office and is offered a job, and now everyone stares awkwardly as the cute little woodland creature guys have this 8ft intimidating dragon-pangolin guy whose clearly dead helping them in the office and backhanding any and all rude customers through a wall.

He has blue skin and wears the standard mailman fit (colored white because I like it but also the white medical towel doctors put on corpses), uses her pronouns interchangeably (corpse who has no identity except what they make), and they're actually very sweet but always kind of nippy and frustrated because all these guys who keep postulating about the nature of humanity are just trying to dodge the fact that, no they really have just forgotten how to die, like IDIOTS. Also a fun little wrinkle to his design (in my head) is that even though he's this ancient corpse, ZM is actually very youthful in appearance because it's a nice juxtaposition to all these older characters who are literally melting but still alive vs a young person who is very much dead.

Anyways heres a few fun little snippits of ZM from my discord in DM talks

Might I share more about ZM? Maybe some day....

#zerav responds #zerav meta

[zymomonasmobilis]

yep I’m just really into this funky little bacterium.

#about me #zymomonas mobilis #just zm talking about themself #microbiology #bacteria #fermentation #microbeblr

[lilyanedelweis-blog]

Dealing With Verbalism Abuse Against Women, Conducted by The Muslim "Gentle" Men at The North of Aceh.

(Learn to express The Grieve in The Heart, using Internasional language) ________________________ In this modern era, where the amount of educative people increasingly widespread all over the world, there are the breakheart reality, that there are still forms of violence, physical or verbal harrashment perpetrated by men against women. In contrast to the physical violence which can be clearly seen so that the perpetrators are in the public spotlight, in the cases of verbal violence that occur to the women, this tends to be regarded as natural - common condition. So for some people who are even highly educated, considered it as a reasonable part from everyday life when a man shouting, lowering, giving Unhuman Label to The Women, or any other Barbaric Verbal Sentences, directed against woman. And what is even more concerning is that, these uncivilized rough throws come from people who are not only highly educated, which at least at the level of a Bachelor, but also come from people whom seen as The Religious Men. The Men who are continuously echoing about Morals, Good Spiritual Theories, Virtue, and Other Positive Values. For example, just what conducted by The Man Name Alfiansyah, in The Mid-November'18 www.facebook.com/opien.madridnisti Which can be contacted at [phone], beside A Bachelor of Management Economic from one of The Government University at Bukit Indah Lhokseumawe, he also A Muslim "Gentle" Man from Hagu Barat Laut-Banda Sakti-Lhokseumawe-North of Aceh. That time, a female friend of his same majoring friend asked about Alfiansyah's activities. With the thought, perhaps there would be activities which can be worked together between "ALF" and her boyfriend, "AGM", while waiting for The Civil Servant Exam after ALF & AGM graduation. Politely the woman greet, "Appologize me Mr. Alfiansyah, could i know what do you do now? What is your activitiy Sir?" Unexpectedly, it was answered by Alfiansyah, who has a Bachelor of Economics Degree and also a son of A Moslimah Teacher who wearing Hijab (Moslimah Head Scarf), "I'm going to making A Shit ! Hah? Do you want this ? You want?! Hah! Eat this! Eat Hah!". Also completely by sent that poor girl The Icon of Human Shit.. And even what more and more deeply hurt was, the boyfriend of that poor lady, who was none other than The Same Majoring Friend of ALF, did not care at all. In fact, he tends to blame the female because according to AGM, his girlfriend was being disrespectful by asking question to Alfiansyah. In The Mid-October 2018 verbal abuse was also carried out by a Bachelor of Economic who also was Bidik Misi Scholarship Recipient, to a female. That time, that poor female expressed her admiration about the classmate of that Bachelor. Feel that he much more genius, he was upset. Didn't accept the apraisal of that lady about his classmate, without feeling, without guilt, the Scholar cursed the woman by saying, "Foolish (you) (The Girl))". Similar to the respond of Verbal Barbarism Conducted by Alfiansyah, this boyfriend of that poor female even defended verbal violence carried out by The Bachelor of Bidik Misi Scholarship Recipient. With the reason, if that poor lady loves him, then she also must very, very polite & respectful not only to him but also towards his friends, his classmate, his colegue, his acquaintances. Furthermore, The Verbal Abuse was also performed by The Muslim Man which not only an educated person but also a Teacher, from a Government High Scholl Number One in Lhokseumawe, Muhammad Darkasyi www.facebook.com/alarkassuleepan, the teacher repeatedly issued a curse to The Lady by saying that she is To Much Talking {Using The Very Rude Word.The Rude Word, Which So Much Not Appropriate For The Level of A Teacher}, and finally he said, "Just Keep Imaginating (related with her poem) Till Finally It's You, Your self That Become Crazy." And it was none other than because she post poems made by herself, on her own status. And the sorrowfull fact is, that Teacher also considered his Verbal Abuse to that female just as a common joke that was normal in they daily.. And what has just happened (again) and is quite apprehensive, when A Muslim Man name Zubair Muhammad, the success team of Mr. Sajan Azhari T. Ahmadi, a Regional Legislative Council Candidate of Aceh Party in The Region of Lhokseumawe, lightly, without burden, repeatedly soaring The Barbaric Verbal against A Female. It started when there was a female who is the lover of Zubair Muhammad's Best Friend, who posted a gathering invitation using a poor - simple sentence, through FB account of her boyfriend (Best Friend of (Z. Muhammad). Ironically, ZM which is the personnel of Successfull Team of Mr. Sajan Azhari T. Ahmadi, who has been diligently echoing Literacy, Morals, and other Religious Posts, He was spontanously, throwing a slander words to that poor female, "This account was Hacked by Crazy Person". Even though in reality, among his own friends, of Zubair Muhammad himself and his best friends, it was a common thing when one account was sometimes posted by his girlfriend vais Versa. And that also ever happened to his best friend's account with his first girlfriend (Uz). Where at that time Uz had posted several times through the account of ZM's best friend. So there is clearly absolutely no reason to justify the attitude of Zubair Muhammad to make Uncivilized, Unhuman Accusations. Especially to The Poor Lady, The Female, The Girl. Not stop till there. In another occasion When there was a gap arguments each other's between the best friends of ZM and the girlfriend of his bestfriend, which ended up with the act of social media blocking of that girl by her boyfriend, then sadly she complain it to Zubair Muhammad, considering that he was the best friend of her lover, And also such a figure of Muslim Man who looked religious, mature and wise, but itu turned out, INSTEAD Of the wide - calm advice or mediation help to return the good relations with her lover, It was the string of heart breaking mocking sentences that shouted from Zubair Muhammad, "What for you telling me all of this ?! You're CRAZY STUPID". Zubair Muhammad. A Perfect Muslim Man from Geureudong Pase - North of Aceh, which (If haven't change his number yet) can also be contacted at [phone] https://www.facebook.com/zubiermuhammad.zubiermuhammad.9 A figure of a religious, wise, best idol of youth Muslim Man Without any heart shout the Barbaric Statement to the female. by repeatedly mocking, over and over shouted her as a crazy person, didn't mean that Zubair Muhammad considered that the Women's family is not only incapable but also very in ignorance till leave their "crazy" relatives to roam without being treated by A psychiatrist. The very contradicting reality. Zubair Muhammad, The Succesfull Team of candidate district election of Mr. Sajan Azhari T. Ahmadi from Aceh Party for Lhokseumawe, That never missed carving out his social media with religious and positive imagery, but he was also a child, a son of a woman. In other words, he was born, cared for, and raised by a woman. But his attitude, his respond, his truth virtue when dealing with the woman is really cannot be digested with the healthy heart and mind. The question is, if it is still in the campaign stage, their successful team themself is already show arrogancy even to The Woman, The Female, then how will it be in the future? During this time, that successful team saw as A Muslim Man who was greatly admired, idolized by so many personalities. Especially millennials. It can be imagined, with that such of original characters, then what kind of example would later be inherited, imitated by his fans ? Hopefully, The Events of Verbal Violence Against Women who as long this time considered as normal, common view at people's daily life, can get more care and attention from various parties. Without the tendency of unfair, unjustice defense using flag of The Religion. No one ever asks to be born as a woman or man. However, to be a woman is a wonderful gift. So, is it because of this gift then a woman must bow, must worshipping, must prostrating the men?

[zymomonasmobilis]

I don’t know if I can fully explain what my gender is, even to me, but I know its the one where pretty much everyone in my life uses “she” pronouns and I’d never really be bothered to ask them to use anything else, but adding “she/her” to any online bio or screen name or email signature makes something small but important inside me wake up and shake its head, saying “nonononononono” 

#yeah I know pronouns =/= gender identity #but I'm just going to listen to that small thing #definitely not in the closet but also definitely not going to randomly out myself in every single email or zoom call thanks #look Ma its competing access needs at work #just ZM talking about themself #like I'm fully fine with people calling me she #or whatever #literally whatever #she/they #i guess? #very gender #not a girl

[zymomonasmobilis]

I basically figured out I had ADHD like 5 years ago based on way-too-relatable posts on here and Reddit.

But I was in a split state of mind that was: “OBVIOUSLY I have ADHD” and “clearly in just making excuses, this is silly”

And I’ve been DIAGNOSED BY MY DOCTOR and ON VYVANSE for like 6 months now.

And I’m STILL: “but you probably don’t!”

I actually was IDing more with aspergers (at the time) even earlier than that....like 10+ years ago. But was also very much like: even though I identify with so many of the things that people describe as typifying their autism, and obsessively seek out autism-related content, and need to deal with sensory issues and am constantly looking for tips for dealing with autism...I definitely don’t have it! I’m definitely trying to make excuses and feel special!

But like...now that I’ve (y’know, mostly) accepted the ADHD thing....the autism comorbidity is sticking with me! Like....I’ll find content from ADHD-Autistic creators and it just seems so NORMAL. Not like, normative, but it all totally makes sense to me and they make sense to me.

But, like. I’m 34. I have a professional profile irl. I do talk sometimes in that arena about ADHD. It DOES seem like a weird and vague-dangerous (in a traumatized way) to be too open about things like that, or that journey, publicly. And I have a PhD and am an expert in my field! So there’s this thing of....but you’re WAY too accomplished to be neurodivergent/disabled. And the rebuttal is, yes, I have these accomplishments...but I’m miserable most of the time and constantly suffering. Which seems like an UNHINGED and totally melodramatic thing to say. But it’s true! I have a hard time, most of the time.

So....do I go further into the autism thing?? Am I just looking for patterns and excuses where they don’t exist?? And then....diagnosis. It’s not like I need an autism dx to get important medications. And, I don’t know how much this would actually effect me, but lots of people have talked about the structural DOWNSIDES to an on the record autism diagnosis.

AND, I’m pretty much self-employed, so, there’s no accommodations I could apply for.

so does it matter? What would be the point?? Is it ok to self-dx?? (I do, 100%, think self dx is valid. But maybe not for me???)

My therapist is good at psychoanalysis and that’s what we stick to. She couldn’t dx me with any of these neurodivergences—it’s not her area of expertise, and I respect that boundary. And some of the stuff that we talk about even now, after I have an ADHD diagnosis, is “maybe not going right to yeah it’s because of ADHD,” whenever I’m trying to figure out an issue that other people don’t seem to get.

What she says is, This specific thing might or might not be a symptom of ADHD, but either way it’s valid and either way you have to deal with it, and the way you deal with it in either case is feeling kind enough about yourself that you’re willing to give yourself accommodation and support. In that sense, I actually appreciate that she’s not too fixated on any Neurodivergent diagnoses. The answer to any of them is to accept myself and not try to beat myself back into line, and accommodate what I need to deal with that thing. Which is what I’d have to do with an autism dx anyway.

#adhd #just zm talking about themself #autism #actually adhd #maybe actually autistic? #whose neurotype is it anyway

[zymomonasmobilis]

Went to my mom’s house so we could hang out with my sister’s family all together. Yesterday the dinner table convo turned to digestive issues I’ve been having

Me: so then, I said to the friend I was talking to, excuse me, but I’m about to vomit a lot and I don’t want to vomit on you so I’m just going to step away for a sec

Me: (laughing as I talk) and then I projectile vomited into the bushes!

Me: so I’m alternating puking and profusely apologizing for what’s happening

Me: and then, heh heh heh, I decided I needed to walk a bit to get some air

Me: so I walked! But I kept walking a bit and then puking into the gutter! rinse and repeat, haha!

Me: and THEN

Me: heh

Me: I didn’t think I could keep myself upright any longer, but luckily I found some nice grass so I just laid down on the grass next to the sidewalk for like 15 minutes to try to compose myself

Me: (continues laughing, because it was a hilariously ridiculous misadventure)

My Sister: it’s kind of amazing how much humor you can have about it, it sounds awful! I’m so sorry!

Me: Oh, it’s fine, I mean, it was awful, but,

Me: I find I’m actually really good at kind of splitting my focus when something bad is happening,

Me: so there’s the part of me that is extremely sick and puking and dry heaving and crying, or having a sobbing emotional breakdown,

Me: (kinda proud) and then there’s another part of myself or my focus that’s just kind of watching that happen and thinking “wow, this is ridiculously intense, I wonder when this is going to end, also, I should figure out how to deal with this concretely, but also, I think I’ll just hang out here until the rest of me decides it’s done with whatever this episode is”

Everyone: (staring at me in silence)

My mom: uh, ZM, I think that’s dissociation

Me: ….oh

Me: Oh

Me: wow, you’re right, that’s definitely what that is.

fin

#trollcoping #tw vomit #seriously though I feel like I keep finding out that EVERYTHING I do that I think is normal is pretty fucked up? #with this it’s like….what’s anyone else going to be able to do about it? #and I have to figure out how to get myself home somehow #me dissociating #how do people deal with difficult situations without dissociating? #I’m like really fucking good at it #adhd emergency focus? #just zm talking about themself

[zymomonasmobilis]

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMexXmT3w/

I know it’s absolutely saying something that my first unfiltered mental reaction was:

“well yeah, I could never relate to the idea of an adult that was just kind and understanding and wanted to care for your feelings, and made it clear that you weren’t a bother or annoying to them. was that.....something that felt attainable enough not to completely write off, to other people?”

me: I know I show all these SYMPTOMS of narcissistic abuse, but, my childhood was so low-key and normal? My parents never used words like stupid or fat or useless with us....

also me: see above

#just zm talking about themself #tiktok #traumacore

[zymomonasmobilis]

Me: “nothing seriously traumatic has happened to me, so why I’m I so messed up about so many things?”

also Me: in my mid-30s and still, constantly, afraid that I am In Trouble

also Me: constant need for any older man I like (platonic!!!!) to think I am The Smartest

also my analysis, to my sister, of a drunk close friend and colleague aggressively and unwelcomingly coming on to me at a party: “it’s fine. That’s definitely not the worst thing to happen to me at an industry party. He didn’t even grope me” sister: “.....it’s definitely not fine! And it makes me incredibly sad to learn and infer what you’ve been through!”

Also me: literally triggered, tachycardic, flashbacks, dissociating watching the Fyre Festival documentary, and the Theranos documentary, because they both spoke EXACTLY like a former boss who was covering up his misconduct and fraud by emotionally abusing and gaslighting his employees- and part of me had been STILL CONVINCED some of it was my fault for not working hard enough

#trauma #therapy #talking through stuff #just zm talking about themself #daddy issues

[zymomonasmobilis]

as someone who reads as female and is married to a man, I’m sometimes like

“am I REALLY bi enough to be bi? am I queer enough to say I’m bi or queer? Am I REALLY attracted to people independent of gender in the ‘right’ way? Am I REALLY enough of something different from cis woman-ness enough to say I’m nonbinary? Do I REALLY have a different enough experience of attraction to say I’m gray-ace or gray-aro????”

Then because I follow some popular tags on here, a VERY hetero female self-insert post in X fandom will pop up on my dash (ladies attracted to men in a straight way, all the more power to you for exploring your interests and desires, I’m here for it even if I don’t understand it) and I’ll go “OHHHHHH....ok yeah I’m DEFINITELY bi and nonbinary and have a very nonstandard relationship to gender feelings/interaction/attraction.”

Thanks for that, tumblr and the multidimensional spectrum of self-exploration through fic and fandom on here

#nonbinary #she they #she/they #bisexual #attraction #would like to point out that this doesn’t carry any implication of disapproval for straight or cis women and their tastes #being a cis woman attracted to men in a heterosexual way is fine with me #it’s that I sometimes forget that people (and probably a majority of people) experience that #and the big tent of fandom is a fascinating place to see all the different kinds of personal exploration people can get into #but yeah WOW I’m not attracted to men in a cis/straight way #that fuzzy-in-a-good-way space between GNC woman and not a woman #fandom culture #ship culture #just ZM talking about themself #not a girl #probably also a neurodivergent thing honestly #grey ace

[zymomonasmobilis]

I was just looking for a piece of info deep in my email archives and found some messages I wrote 10 years ago talking about my new job and it……it’s a lot. I was so positive and hopeful and looked at so many things in a optimistic or at least equivocal light. And I’m torn between so many things like

I feel bad that I don’t feel that way now, and often feel scared and overwhelmed to the point of shutting down (but haven’t I always done that?)

Annoyed that I was happy then but….I was so happy to be USEFUL, to be validated because I was HELPFUL, to a bunch of people that I wanted to know and work with because they were cool. Have I ever just been happy without curating and reducing myself to what other people seem to want? And without any external validation?

Can I feel….good? Now? That I get less satisfaction out of being helpful towards someone else’s vision? That I’m maybe learning how to be self-pleased and self-satisfied?

Am I allowed to feel different but not feel bad that in some ways I feel badder? Or is the world just that much harder if you’re trying to find and do your own thing?

#people pleasing #personal development #youthful idealism #what a heady mix #just zm talking about themself