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anadiasmount · 4 months

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just friends? or more? - jude bellingham x reader.

quick sum: interviews and late night talks. but it’s always hard to see your best friend leave for his away games. no matter the distance or duration.

wc: 3k | masterlist | jude's masterlist

psa🗣️: happy new year everyone, hope everyone is doing okay! 🤍 mixed a request with my own imagination. this was supposed to be a small blurb but I ended up writing more. best friends to lover trope 🫂 🧟‍♀️ hope you enjoy! 🤍

“it must be an excitement to see him play at this level and talent?” the journalist asked you, to which you nodded and smiled. “it’s quite a pleasure honestly. it’s what he’s always wanted and we couldn’t be more proud,” you replied calmly not knowing where exactly to look at.

your eyes glanced from her, to the camera and then jude who was walking back from the tunnels. “recalling all his goals from this current season, which one has been your favorite? could there be a sort of muse to inspire and motivate him to this level?” she asked curiously, leaving you thinking.

“my favorite probably, okay wait actually i don’t know if i wanna say because i don’t want to get dragged, but it was special to see him win his debut here in the bernabeu, even if it was a tap in,” you laugh, “his goal against napoli and barcelona are one for the books as well.” you kept glancing behind her to see jude standing there cockily, arms crossed with a smirk plastered on his face.

“as for a muse, i’d say himself and the people around him whether it’s friends or family even the fans. with the constant support and wins, seeing how the team reflects, how he can do more. overall i think it’s just him and the healthy mentality he has,” you say shyly, nodding your head as you spoke, jude then decided to intervene.

“erm excuse me? this is my interview,” you say in a teasing manner, stepping on your tiptoes to reach his hug. “i apologize. just wanted to come over and say hi,” jude says playfully making everyone smile. “we were just asking y/n about if there could be a certain muse to make you perform at this level. is there anything you would like to say about that?” the journalist asks.

jude scratches his brow and looks down smiling, “well to be honest there is someone…but for privacy reasons or maybe to not jinx it, i’ll keep it hidden… they’re truly wonderful and inspire me to do my best every time,” he says with a huge grin looking down to you where you stand. your eyes connected and for a second maybe he was dedicating this to you? you thought.

as the journalist wrapped up her interview the two of you teased and joked around, answering her questions politely and respectfully, making sure to wish her the best of luck and a small be careful. the thoughts of him having a ‘muse’ still didn’t go away from your head. if he was referring to you or if there was someone he had yet to tell you about.

jude was always private with his life, but around you he couldn’t stop yapping, always with a smile in his face when he spoke about him. but this had you questioning just a bit, if there was more to your close friendship. to his longer and more intense stares towards you, his touch on your waist when out together, always asking to stay longer and cuddle.

it wasn’t just you who had noticed it, his teammates as well, often teasing both of you especially jude as you would hear it when he called you after training. don't even get started on the media, replays, and many comments on the two of you when together, always asking if you were dating, or saying they lived for your friendship.

there was something different and you couldn’t avoid it any longer, being left confused with your feelings. it began to feel like love. you can’t love your best friend, you couldn’t take a risk like that.

“you’re awfully quiet? something in your mind? i know something’s up so don’t say it’s anything,” jude remarked, squinting his eyes. you let a soft chuckle out and turned to face him, “i’m just tired… also i was reading some of the comments from our interview,” you lied offering a quick smile and showing him your open instagram page. he raised his brow and got out the car.

you trailed behind him to where you were greeted to a quiet home. jude quickly slipped on some slides and dropped his bag in the mud room. you took of your shoes and walked into the kitchen to prepare some dinner for the two of you. as you glanced around you felt jude hug you from behind, his face leveled next to yours making you jump. “fridge is full?” he asked.

“oh yeah. i went grocery shopping and brought the necessities! refilled the fridge, got toothpaste, and i also got you those scooby doo cookies you love so much,” your hand interlocked with his that was around your waist as you pointed to the cabinet above you. just then you realized how close the two of you were.

it felt like you had moved in, and shared a house together. you never ever had shared a bed, but for the past month you had, waking up with jude on top of you or your back next to his chest. having breakfast daily together and him waiting for you to come back from uni or work. hanging out more than usual, cuddling more than usual. the his and hers titles applying to the two of you, when brushing your teeth, your mugs, sharing clothes, having your shoes aligned by the door.

jude felt you tense asking what was wrong but you shook your head, “after dinner, i might go home,” you tell him watching the smile disappear from his face. “what? why? do you want me to go with you? you should just stay it's already late, i want to you to stay” jude insisted, making up different reasons as to why you should stay the night.

it’s not that you didn't want to be with jude tonight, you did, to feel him hold you and kiss your head at night. but the thought of acting like a couple, with no label, with your best friend made you freakout, because what if how you felt wasn't how he did? what if you read the cards wrong and it was only you who fell over heels for your best friend? what if he didn't love you like you did?

“i’ll think about it, i said i might go, still debating, i haven't seen the roomies in a while and we want to have a girls night,” you said trying to calm the panic that overtook his body. “i don’t mind joining, you guys just do spa night, drink wine, and talk, i’ll be like one of the girls…” jude shrugged jokingly, making your eyes roll playfully.

“okay decide what you want to eat so we can start cooking,” you recalled, grabbing a pan and heating up some oil. jude played his old songs playlist, singing along to the songs you remembered, your arms wrapping around his shoulders as he led you to dance in the middle of the kitchen, his soft brown eyes never leaving yours as he sang happily. would this be what it felt like to be a couple?

the tv show played softly on the background, jude fast asleep on your chest letting out small snores. he refused to let you leave as the time you had finished eating and talking was super late, leaving with no choice but to stay once again. it felt like home, jude felt like your home, they way you fit perfectly in each other's arms. you turn the tv off, squinting your eyes in confusion as you saw his phone ping.

jocelyn:

thanks for the other day! hope we can see each other again, had so much fun!

your heart sank looking back at jude who was still sound asleep on your chest, feeling your eyes burn with tears and your stomach sink further down. you controlled your breathing, feeling stupid and naive for actually believing and falling for him. it wasn't his fault, it was you for letting yourself believe there could be something. you would never be his, there was already someone else in his life to fill your spot.

you were able to manage to sneak off the next morning without a word or budge from jude, feeling trapped and claustrophobic around him when he hugged you from behind. you couldn't stop thinking about his words from yesterday's interview and his ‘muse’, the way his touch still burned on your skin, the way he hid a girl from you. it felt like you were the other woman even though you had no clue who she was.

you fiddled with your keys, opening the door to a silent home once again, darting straight to your room where you fell onto your beg with small whimpers and sobs, crying over a boy. you weren't able to sleep last night, so you didn't even feel when you fell asleep, forgetting about reality for the day.

jude was left confused and curious as to why you weren't there, next to him. he called and called, texting you over and over again, becoming worried when there was no response from you. he was unable to focus during recovery and training session, thinking of how you suddenly left, and how distant and tense you were yesterday. he wondered if you had school, or if you something came up with your roommates.

jude wanted to hang out before he had to travel away for the weekend. spend as much time with you. his head should be focused on winning and on the team to advance in the ‘copa del rey’ but he couldn't when he hadn't heard from you.

jude was deep in. as every day went by his love for you grew more and more, knowing it could be risk for your friendship. he had the urge to just yell out how much he loved you, how badly he wanted to call you his, to finally stop playing around and put a label. it was hard to read you and that killed him more. feeling hopeless and desperate, he called again quickly listening to your voicemail.

you had jude’s head spinning, heart skipping beats at the thought of you, and he was left with no choice but to show up the day before he left at your doorstep. your eyes frantically roamed jude who stood with a serious look on his face, almost shutting the door at him out of nervousness. jude let himself in, turning to you quickly brows drawn in. “is there a reason why you are not answering your phone?” he asked seriously, no taint of playing around.

“i needed to catch up on some uni work. i have so much to do still, and i wanted to focus on getting the hard part out first,” you say unsure, as his brows draw in with bewilderment.

“but yet couldn't answer one phone call from me?”

“jude-”

“i’ve been left worried, thinking if you were okay after you randomly left without saying anything? i don't like you shutting me out y/n, i understand you were busy but a text even would’ve taken me out of my misery,” jude huffed letting out a sign of disappointment, walking to the couch and staring at your study layout. books and books, open pages of your notes, and your laptop that sounded louder than usual.

“i just wanted to give you space and time for yourself. i don't wanna seem clingy or attached because all we've done for the past month is be together at house. i just thought you might’ve wanted to do something else with your teammates or other people,” you say embarrassed, daring to spill the girls name from the other night.

“well you thought wrong, the only person i want to be with is you. i wanted to see you before i left tomorrow,” jude said with a small frown, hands digging into his hands. ‘the only person i want to be with is you’ should have not stung like it did, the ache in your chest as you heard him say that, bitting your lip to hold back the tears that wanted to build up. though you were stronger than that.

“what about jocelyn?” you asked carefully being met with a quiet jude, giving you a questioning look. “what about her?” maybe it was the way he had said it or the fact he was upset but you now regretted bringing her up knowing it had triggered something. “didn’t she mention-” you were cut off by jude.

“jocelyn is my stylist when i’m here in madrid. she invited me to have brunch with her and her girlfriend when you were taking a midterm this week. I didnt mention it because it was a fast meal, just food and talking,” jude said. you felt utterly stupid and left more embarrassed than before, wanting to punch yourself for quickly making up assumptions instead of asking for clarification.

“oh.”

“wait.. how do you know about jocelyn? did you think something else?” jude asked, lifting his head from his hands. you rubbed your shoulder anxiously not knowing how exactly to respond, “you mentioned her the other day, i just assumed,” you lied quickly, “also i saw her message the other night i stayed over.” jude had caught you, and now he wasn't going to let the opportunity to go to waste. “

“so that's what this is about?”

“i don't know what you're talking about…” you shrugged quickly, dismissing his tone.

jude ushered you to come over, and like a puppet you quickly followed his request. you stood in the middle on his legs that were spread, shifting your weight from one foot to another, contemplating what to say or where to look. “you thought jocelyn meant something else to me didn't you…” jude asked to which you nodded slowly.

“would have it bothered you if it did? if she did mean something to me?” he asked softly, watching as your eyes looked around and landed on his, you let out a small “yes” in a quiet tone, jude smirking.

“well, it’s a good thing you don't have to worry about that. jocelyn doesn't mean anything, and the only person who does to me is you,” jude spoke softly, you shuddered a breath as you felt his fingertips trace from your calves all the way up behind your thighs, making you lose balance and grip his shoulder to regain it. “jude-” you warn again, but quickly gulp as he repeated his actions.

“the way you smile, the way you hold my hand, the way your eyes glimmer when you let me rant about anything. i love it all. the only person who makes me feel like that is you… all i want is you, y/n. to have and to hold, to love and cherish, to protect and kept by my side forever,” jude gripped your thighs and pulled you onto his lap where you gasped.

“can’t you see that? hmm? can't you see how much i love you? how badly i want to make you mine and call you my girlfriend officially? they say it's forbidden to fall for your best friend, but who cares about those rules when what we have is real. a genuine love.”

your lips pursed open, letting out a shaky breath before speaking again. he had that effect, leaving you breathless even if it was a small action. “this whole time i thought i had it wrong, and that it was just me who saw the sudden shift in our friendship. who felt the feelings. i know it was wrong from me to have assumed that when i have no right, but i thought there was someone else,” you reply.

jude’s hands roamed your thighs, making you relax to his touch, “it drove me crazy two nights ago as i rethought our whole friendship. it felt not weird but it felt like we were living a life with no label placed, acting like a couple because we just felt the need to or we had just gotten that close. not only did it confuse me but also scared me, and it made me distant,” you continued.

“what you feel here,” you pointed and touched his heart, “is what i feel here,” you then pointed to your heart, which was beating like crazy not only at revealed feelings but also the proximity you two were. “i want you to know that i can't stop thinking about you no matter where i am or if i’m this close to you,” you reassured him and yourself. that this was reality.

“you have no idea how long i’ve waited to hear you say that… to say that you love me. everyone could see it, everyone teased us for it, but we were scared. but i’m not scared to take this risk, because it means i get to have you here and forever. to love you,” jude said making your eyes go glossy.

“is this actually happening?” you laughed and sniffled, “because if it's not and i’m dreaming i’m going to be mad,” you say. “it's all real, i could pinch you if you want, to make you believe it? or i could kiss you to seal our relationship?” jude offered with a huge grin, making you raise your eyebrow. “you haven't even asked me to be your girlfriend yet,” you remark.

“my beautiful y/n… do you want to be my girlfriend?” instead of replying, you sealed your answer with a kiss. a kiss that sealed also promises and your love forever. jude’s lips molded into yours, tugging him closer by his broad shoulders as his hands delicately rubbed along your thighs. he tasted like honey, not having enough by how gentle and passionate he was being with you. “my jude. my jude forever,” you say still kissing his lips as he smiled into it.

“i love you princess.”

#jude bellingham #jude bellingham x reader #jude bellingham imagine #judey thoughts 5️⃣#jude bellingham blurb #jude bellingham one shot #football fanfic #footballer #football x reader #football x y/n #football imagine #football one shot

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judeswhore · 5 months

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ive been off tumblr for about about 3 months so looking forward to a good catch up of jude thoughts🤭🤭

keep having this thought of him catching a flight somewhere early in his career and sitting next to you for a few hours. he’s peeking over and watching the movie you are, and you guys end up talking for the entire duration of the flight. at the end of it you both say goodbye etc thinking you guys would never see each other again but every few months you both would just bump into each other, after about 3 times of seeing each other you’d be all like ‘think you’re stalking me’

he’d finally pluck up the courage of asking you to a game or something and the both of you would just be head over heels for each from the beginning

oh i love this actually. you’ll always bump into each other in the randomest of places as well and you’ll say quick little hellos and ask how the other is doing and jude will give some comment abt his career and how well it’s going and you’ll tell him you’ve watched him play a couple times. and ur telling him abt ur job or uni and he’s saying something abt how smart u are and he really likes seeing u get all shy over that compliment. then you’ll say goodbye and think okay that’s definitely the last time but then it’ll happen again and it’s definitely fate. and one day it’ll be like the fourth/fifth time and u bump into him in a coffee shop when he’s back home in birmingham and it’s so ridiculous that this keeps happening. ur joking w him abt “r u sure ur not just stalking me?” and he’s laughing and telling u something abt how pretty girls like u must just be a magnet for him. and he just can’t let this whole thing pass bc to him there has to be a reason u keep seeing each other. and ur pretty and he thinks ur funny and he really wants to take u out. so he’s asking for ur number and making a joke abt how he won’t have to wait three months to see how ur classes are going :(( so u start texting and it’s obvious ur both so into each other, u facetime every night and u just get on so well so after like a week or so jude’s asking if u wna fly over to madrid to go to a match, saying he’ll take u out after and u can stay for a few days and he’ll show u around and ofc ur saying yes and hes immediately booking ur flight (he wldnt let u pay or do anything for it bc it’s his treat) and he’s meeting u at the airport and takes u out for dinner and the whole thing is amazing from the start. he’d be so happy having u at the match and wld make u wear his shirt and wld tease u sm abt it and everyone’s calling him out for showing off and being a flirt but he just can’t help himself. it wld only take another few weeks before he asked u to be his girlfriend

#hey jude :)

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azrielsmommy · 2 months

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Dark Paradise (Part 3)

Pairing: Azriel x Fem! Reader

Summary: Never in the existence of Prythian had there been a rightful heir to two courts, much less a female, but there you are, in the flesh. With war upon the lands, and questionable family dynamics, a certain shadowsinger takes it upon himself to make your life just a little bit more interesting.

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: violence

a/n: hey y'all so sorry for the month hiatus, uni has been CRAZY, anyways enjoy :)

To say Azriel was dumbfounded when he saw you, the women from his dreams, sitting on the throne instead of Helion, would be a severe understatement. He was absolutely enthralled by you, the way you spoke to Rhys with no care for his nobility, challenging him instead of falling head over heels. He lingered in the limited amount of shadows for the duration of your conversation, cursing Helion under his breath for covering the entirety of the chamber in a blinding sheen of sunlight. He watched you speak with such effortless grace, like you were made for the sole purpose of ruling.

His shadows had brought him a ring while he was observing you as he jumped between shaded corners, the ring gleamed in the sunlight as he rolled it between his fingers. He was going to toss it back to the corner where his shadows had unearthed it from, but the sound of shoes hitting marble drew his attention back to the task at hand.

You had sauntered down the stairs, the sunshine that pooled in through the windows lined behind you, had enveloped you in a blanket of light, silhouetting you in a ring of gold. Azriel had then and there decided that you were a goddess, one crafted by the most richest of golds.

He had enough, choosing no longer to hide in his shadows he winnowed to meet Rhys and you. You looked even more breathtaking up close, where he could see the groves and dips of your face, like a breath of fresh air. Azriel didn't know what came over him, it was like you had your hands around his very soul, forcing him to be drawn to you like a moth to a flame.

Rhys had noticed the starstruck shadowsinger, and teased him for it when they trailed behind y/n. "Your jaw is practically on the floor, pick it up before your tongue rolls out too." Rhys's voice had filled his mind, he shot him a scowl before choosing to ignore him, but he didn't stop there. "I wonder what names you'll choose for your children, Jaime, Carmilla, Jude, personally I love Dorian" he spoke, the shit-eating grin evident in Rhys's voice. Azriel slapped Rhys's chest so hard that he let out a pained grunt, smile still etched onto his lips. Rhys threw his a look saying 'you know I'm right.' Azriel tried ignoring the insinuation, but he couldn't deny that your outfit left little to his imagination.

He immediately blocked out the several scandalous thoughts that had spinned up in his mind before he would've been forced to excuse himself.

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The Night Court was beautiful, even more so at night. The lights that decorated the city below shone brightly, paired along with the distant playing of music. The river that ran through the city twinkled as the stars up above bounced off of the ripples, it was gorgeous. Placing your hands on the railing that held you back from falling over the edge, you drank in the scenery before you. It was peaceful and comforting for a moment, before a harsh gust of wind swept over you, sending plums of snowfall over you. A shiver ran through your body, piercing even through Azriel's jacket that you had snuggly wrapped around yourself.

"Come on, you'll freeze out here." Azriel's gruff voice echoing over the wind. One of your bags was around his shoulder, while you held the other one loosely in a hand, outstretching his free hand towards you he gestured you towards him. You frowned as you took in your surroundings fully, you were in an empty clearing, no house in sight. "Where's the house?" You asked, as you walked towards him absentmindedly, goosebumps rising on your exposed legs. "We're almost there." He slightly smirked before pressing a rough hand under your knees and behind your back, collecting you abruptly into his arms.

Letting out a shocked yelp you instinctively gripped onto the closest solid surface, which so happened to be his shoulders. "Wha-." Before you could even begin demanding to be let go, he shook his wings, freeing them from their tightened position, and shot into the sky. Throwing your arms around his neck you pressed closer into him, so hard you thought you might melt into his chest. A low chuckle came out him, his chest rumbling at your startled reaction. Loosening your grip on him you looked back at him with a frown, "You could've warned me you know." You yell over the howling wind as you soared through the sky. "You're right I could've," you watched as he tore his eyes away from whatever he was focusing on, and looked into your own, "but where's the fun in that?" He spoke lowly, chest rumbling with each word.

Suddenly becoming hyper-aware of how close your faces were, you pulled back, instead choosing to turn your head to whatever he was looking at earlier. A large, almost castle-like mansion came into view, presumably the House of Wind. The sound of Azriel's wings beating heavily as you approached the wide balcony, built awfully similarly to a runway. Safely he landed, gently letting you down onto your own feet, still shook from the sudden flight you stumbled a few feet as you gained balance. Azriel offered a hand to you, but you slapped it away, "All of you Illyrians are absolutely mad, I swear" you mumbled under your breath. Throwing his hands up in mock offense, the both of you walked into the awaiting house.

You nearly moaned at the warmth that engulfed you as you stepped through the doors, melting away the coldness that had seeped into your bones. A squeal sounded through the lounge room before nimble arms tackled you, sending you crashing into the black leather couch. Blonde wavey locks, and a bright red-lipped smile filled your view, as you laid, sprawled, on the couch.

"By the cauldron, I haven't seen you in so long! How've you been? What've been up to? Oh my gosh, any new boys on the roster?" Mor berated you with questions as she laid on top of you, that beautiful smile of hers never leaving her face for a second. You giggled as she shook your shoulders rapidly, trying to shake the answers out of you.

"Mor stop it, you're going to give me a headache." You laughed as you playfully fought with her, trying to nudge her off of you. "You guys know each other?" Mor's and your head turned to look at Azriel as he stood there, watching the both of you with furrowed brows, your bags in tow.

"Of course we know each other, who do you think keeps me sane during all of those horrid meetings." She rolled her eyes at the mention of meetings. You had heard of Mor through your brother, Eris, when he was betrothed to her. Becoming friends with her wasn't exactly the smoothest of transitions, not after what Eris did to her. You had first properly met her in Vallahan during one of your diplomatic meetings for the Day Court, but once she found out who you were, and who you were related to, she avoided you.

Eventually, meeting after meeting in different continents, and different courts, you dragged her to a private room and made sure you drove the point that you had no part in her marriage arrangement with Eris. Explaining how you had zero connections with the Autumn Court, and that you refuse to support their cruel activities. After that, you grew close, but no matter how many secrets and deep truths you whispered to one another, she never told you what really happened that dreadful night when she ran into Eris. At first it hurt, knowing she didn't trust you enough with her deepest secrets, but you learned to respect it, knowing that when she was ready she would tell you.

"Oops sorry." She sheepishly clambered off of you, noticing your pained face, body growing numb from the weight of her body completely on top of yours. Helping you stand up she lead you to your room, Azriel in tow, carrying your bags with ease.

Reaching your bedroom door, Mor kicked it open, showing you around your massive suite, touring you around each additional room inside. Azriel dropped your bags onto the floor and bid you goodbye, you thanked him, watching as his broad frame walked out of your room.

"So, anybody special in your life?" Mor wiggled her eyebrows from her spot on your bed, her head propped up on her elbows as she laid on her stomach, kicking her feet in anticipation. You groaned as you flopped onto your back beside her. "No, I haven't had time for that, you know that." You dramatically threw your hands into the air.

"Yeah yeah, you got your royal duties to take care of or whatever, blah blah blah." Mor mocked you, memorizing your usual approach to this topic. "It's true! I'm not as lucky as you, catching the eye of every male. And female." You smirked at her. She shoved you in response, before resuming her questioning.

"How was your trip up here?" She picked at her perfectly manicured nails, "That crazy Illyrian practically threw me into the air, I thought he was going to drop me." You waved your hands around.

"Azriel would never drop a gorgeous girl like you," you turned your head towards her, a smile on your face from her compliment, "besides if he did, he would've been scrapping a flattened y/n shaped puddle off of the ground by now. Helion would have his head for that." Your smile immediately dropped at the idea of you being peeled from a random sidewalk in the city, you're sure that would've traumatized at least a couple Velaris civilians.

"Well since you're not going to tell me ANYTHING, about boys and what not, I have a welcoming gift for you." Mor abruptly jumped off of the bed and scurred off into your closet, you swore you could hear her giggling and mumbling to herself as she rummaged through clothes. Just as you were about to ask her what she was manically searching for like a rabid animal, she sauntered out of the room, clothes in hand.

"Well what do you think?" You sat up to get a clearer view of the garments she beheld. In one hand she had an intricate black dress, it wasn't fully midnight black, no, it had gold streaks pouring down the bodice, in the shape of a corset of sorts. There weren't any straps, showing of the shoulders, the deep v-neck that reached nearly what would be your bellybutton, showed off cleavage, and extenuated the neck. The gentle swish of the draping skirt was gorgeous, ever so often catching glimmers of gold, as it shimmered in the light.

"Oh that's sexy." Words tumbled out of your mouth as you took in the elegantly crafted dress before you. "I had it personally made for you, so of course it had to be sexy." She set the dress aside, and quickly replaced her hand with another piece of clothing. This time it wasn't a dress, it was a maroon trench coat, long enough where it would reach halfway down your calves. Several golden button adorned the front of the coat, pairing nicely with the barely visible gold seeming that lined the cuffs.

"These are beautiful Mor, but I can't accept it." You sheepishly look at her, a wave of guilt washing over you at the realization that you hadn't gotten her anything in return. She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow at you, her kohl lined eyes entrancing you, making it difficult to break eye contact.

"I mean, I just didn't get you anything in return, and that's not what good friends do, if I had been given an earlier notice I would've certainly gotten you some grand shoes, or jewelry..." You laugh nervously under her stare as you twist your rings in aimless circles.

A giggle bursts from Mor, you stare at her shaking form, slightly confused, you nervously giggle along with her. A howling laugh rips from her throat as she points at you, your eyebrows furrow as you rush to a mirror, thinking that she's laughing at something on your face.

"Is there something on my face?" You palm at your face, as you search for what she's laughing at, maybe you had caught a stray leaf on your flight here.

"Yeah that stupid look," She wipes her eyes, catching any tears, grabbing your shoulders she pries you from the mirror to face her instead "Gods, Y/n you don't owe me anything in return, I wanted to give you this, as a present. Besides, I was going to give you this for Solstice anyways, but, you're here now. Consider this an early solstice, from me." She beams at you, you return a smile back.

"But, I wouldn't mind some fancy shoes here and there." Shoving her shoulder you mock roll your eyes as you move towards the vanity, needing to take a relaxing steaming bath. "Dinner's served in half an hour, if I don't see you by then, I'll drag you by your hair." You throw a vulgar gesture over your shoulder as you shut the door behind you.

You quickly got ready and arrived at the dinning room before Mor could even think of coming to 'escort' you. The dinner went smoothly, Rhys introduced you to the 'inner circle.' Cassian was the easiest to get along with, his overwhelmingly kindhearted personality nearly suffocating you, however, by how incredibly well-toned he was, it would be a mistake to assume he was always so friendly. Amren was the complete opposite of Cassian, extremely witty, quick with her words, and the way she looked at your jewelry with those silver, ancient eyes sent shivers down your spine. You swear up and down, that she even licked her lips when she thought you weren't paying attention.

As you continued your dinner, chatting about nonsense, you felt a pair of eyes on you, glancing across the table you landed on Azriel. He sat there, holding a glass of some sort of alcohol in his hand, maintaining eye contact he swirled his glass around, the liquid sloshing against the sides, before bringing it to his lips. You won't lie, in that moment, the way his tight-fitted black shirt had the top couple buttons undone, exposing his neck and chest ever so slightly, had you blushing and gripping onto your own champagne glass for dear life.

"I think I'm going to turn in for the night." You mock yawned, rubbing your eyes in faux tiredness, needing to leave the room before you could even begin to think of other things, more like think about him.

"It was a pleasure meeting you all." Bidding everybody a quick goodnight you slipped away, feeling a pair of eyes on the back of your head as you rounded the corner towards your room. A frigid coldness swept against your leg, but as you looked around for a possible open window, you were met with nothing but shadows. Cold, wispy darkness.

Looking back down the dimly lit hallways, the faint golden hues from the fae light illuminating your face, you met Azriels gaze. The rest of the table engaging in fervent conversation, but he stared at you. It felt as if time itself slowed down with the way he watched you. His eyes low, glossed over with the influence of alcohol, enhancing the copper flecks in them by tenfold. You tried to tear your eyes away from his burning gaze, but it was as if the universe itself held the two of you together, refusing to let up its iron grip.

Subtle pain spread down your hands, turning your palm upwards you finally managed to look at something else other than Azriel. Half-moon crescents were indented in your palms from where you dug your nails so deeply into them, causing ruby red blood to drip from the broken skin. Glancing back down the hall, expecting Azriel to be staring at you, but his eyes stared unyieldingly at your hands, something swirled in his eyes, something wild. Bringing your palm up to your mouth you sucked up the blood, making sure he watched as you licked up what remained. He propped his chin on a hand as he watched your ministrations, eagerly.

Your lip curled in a sly smile as you et your hand fall back to your side. Turning on your heel you pushed the door to your room open, the coolness of the door pressing against your burning back as you leaned against the door. Running a hand through your hair you undressed, getting ready for bed. Your mind playing what just happened in the hallway over and over again, without cease. As you laid in bed you kept remembering the way his eyes roved over you, and no matter how many times you denied it, you did enjoy it, a little too much.

The next morning you were abruptly awoken, not by the sunlight flooding in through the partially shut blinds, nor was it your palms, instead you felt a searing pain in ribcage. Kicking the sheets off of yourself haphazardly, you lifted your shirt just under your breast, exposing your stomach to the crisp morning air that filtered in through the room.

Nothing. No wound, at least not visibly. Gently you pressed down on your skin, pain bloomed. Maybe you had simply slept weird, or knocked your ribs against a corner last night in your rushing, but you couldn't recall anything of the sort.

Deciding to ignore the strange pain you got dressed, remembering Rhys mentioned last night something about a training room during dinner. Completing basic hygiene you threw on some training clothes and fashioned your hair into a simple braid. As you wandered the halls in circles for what felt like hours your ribcage increased in pain, of course bearable, but nonetheless annoying. As you ascended a long flight of stairs the pain persisted, almost getting more intense as you got closer to the top.

Finally you stepped into a large space, light flooding into the ring, reflecting off of the various weapons that lined the walls and racks. The wind swept over the expanse, refreshing as the sun beat down. In the middle two people sparred. standing in their glory Azriel and Cassian threw punches, swift and calculated. By the way they were huffing you were more than sure that they have been here before dawn. Noticing your presence the two of them slowed down, Cassian being the first to approach you, "You here to practice?" A large grin spread across his face, wiping his forehead free from sweat with the back of his hand. "No I'm here to sunbathe." You retort, twirling around to show off your 'bathing suit,' a deadpan expression gracing your features.

"I'm hurt Y/n, where was my invitation, you know I'd be more than happy to ditch this loser over here." He threw a thumb over his shoulder towards Azriel. "Yeah I'm sure you'd be more than happy to ditch the way I've been kicking your ass for the past hour." Azriel crossed his arms, extenuating his sweat sleeked biceps. "You know everybody hates liars Azriel." Cassian threw him a glare, Azriel rolled his eyes before walking over to grab a cub of water.

"Anyways, I need a sparring partner, you up for it?" You looked at Cassian awaiting. "Oh uh, my shoulder suddenly really hurts, I'm sure Azriel needs the extra practice." Cassian's eyebrows furrowed in obvious fake pain as he rolled his shoulder to 'work out a knot,' tucking strays pieces of hair that fell from his ponytail he gestured towards Azriel, who stood by the water station.

Gesturing towards the empty ring you watched as Azriel set down his glass and stalked his way to the open space. "Sure, don't worry Cassian I'm sure Rhys will kiss your boo boo better." Azriel teased Cassia, as you walked down the stairs towards the ring, you're more than sure that Cassian threw him a vulgar gesture by the way Azriel chuckled.

Rolling your neck you cracked your fingers, getting ready for some hand to hand combat. Azriel tossed you a knife, not sharp enough to cause serious damage, but dangerous enough. You couldn't help but notice the way the sunlight hit Azriel's bare chest just right as you worked out the last knot in your neck. His toned chest evident of the several years it took to perfect, the muscles chiseled, like he was sculpted from finest of marble. "You can always back out whenever, no shame in it." He spoke in a low voice as he took up a fighting stance rolling his own knife in is hand. "Same goes for you, I wouldn't want to embarrass you in front of Cassian." Following in suit, you threw up your hands, getting ready to deliver the ass whopping of the century.

A faint smile flickered on his face before he lunged, throwing a flurry of punches. Blocking and dodging his attacks you jumped back, creating space in between the two of you. He fought with an intensity you haven't seen in years, each move calculated and aggressive, holding no punches back. If it were an average person they would quickly be knocked out by now, but you were no average person.

Quickly recovering from the slight set back you sent back your own attacks, sparks flying from where your blades met, throwing a mix in between slashes and swift punches. From the corner of your eye you spotted a forming bruise on his left rib, the exact same place you woke up to this morning. Just managing to dodge a swift slash from Azriel in the nick of time you side step Azriel and drove the hilt of your knife into his rib.

A low whistle resonated throughout the room from the wall where Cassian stood post, watching your duel. Stumbling a few steps back Azriel grunted, your own side reflecting the same throbbing pain you imposed on him.

He didn't even let you catch your breath before unleashing punches upon you, the strength behind them causing you to scramble to deflect them. Throwing a right hook, he landed square on your jaw, nearly sending you across the floor, blood ran down your chin from the newly inflicted wound on your lip. Wiping away the blood from your chin you grinned at him, the metallic taste of blood covering your teeth in a pink sheen. "Shit, I didn't mean-" Sucking you teeth clean from the blood you didn't even let him finish his apology before you lunged for him. Catching him with his guard down you kicked his legs out from under him, his back hitting the floor with a harsh slam, quickly you clambered onto him, sitting on his lap, legs tightly pressed against the outside of his thighs to keep him from moving. You pressed the knife to his throat, not hard enough to break skin but enough to ensure his defeat.

"Yield," you huffed out as you drew your face close to his. The back of Azriel's head hit the floor, causing the curls that weren't plastered to his forehead to spread out around him in a way that made him look like a literal angel, his onyx hair giving him an ethereal glow.

His eyes stared into your own, as he took in deep breathes, chest heaving under you. "I yield." His voice gruff as he rested his hands on your hips, holding you tightly, his gaze unwavering, a slight smirk on his lips as he licked his lips. "This is my favourite positions after all," He whispered, "Sorry?" Taken aback by his suggestive comment you leaned back from his face. "This is one of the best positions to render your opponent immobile, I mean. What did you think I meant?" He slyly spoke, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

"Atta girl Y/n, you just won me some money." Cassian's boisterous voice boomed throughout the room, snapping you out of your trance. Both you and Azriel turned your heads towards where Cassian stood, rubbing his hands in anticipation as he proudly gave Rhys a shit-eating grin. Begrudgingly, Rhys dug in his pocket for money, throwing it at Cassian's chest with a scowl.

"You guys bet on us?" You asked baffled, "Yup, and Azriel just lost me so much money," Rhys's tone clearly reflecting his disappointment at his major loss. "I promise you, I'm taking that out of your salary Az." Rhys sent Aziel a pointed glare, Azriel simply shrugged, clearly not caring, you're sure it wouldn't even leave a dent in his finances.

"Anyways enough of these stupid activities-", Rhys approached the two of you, "You only think it's stupid because you lost," Cassian responded in a sing-song voice, "Shut up." Rhys quickly retorted back. Running a hand quickly over his jacket, plucking at invisible dust, he stood over you and Azriel on the floor. "What mission?" Azriel asked, confusion across his face, clearly not having been debrief about this mission earlier. "Autumn Court." Rhys crossed his arms, as he watched for your reaction.

You looked back down at the sprawled out Azriel under you, clear disgust in your face at the idea of going to the Autumn Court so soon into your stay at the Night Court. Feeling the same way, Azriel rolled his eyes before closing his eyes, letting out a long breath out.

"Fuck." Was all that needed to be said.

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tag list: @dr4g0ngirl @tothestarsandwhateverend namelesssav hnyclover

#azriel #azriel shadowsinger #azriel acotar #fanfic #azriel x reader #rhys acotar #rhysand #cassian #cassian acotar #mor acotar

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beware-of-the-light · 3 months

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I love Jude Durate SO much, because she was allowed to be angry and let it all out, and wasn't punished by the narrative for it. And it was common knowledge that she didn't want to be like that, but that was what she had to be to survive. And when when she finally found an opportunity to Not Be Angry anymore she just grasped it with all her might. I love her so much, because sometimes it is like that, when you got bullied as a kid and you grew up in a weird home, all the red just builds up, and I love Holly Black for letting her express it. Because needing to prove yourself for the right to be mediocre really starts chewing you from the inside out. This is a Taryn defender household btw, Jude said that she would be So Much Worse, Taryn said I Will Fight For My Right To Be Average and she fought for it with all of her might, even went above and beyond by marrying gentry. But she came to the same conclusion, that just because you grew up with a fucked up perception of what love is (her father killed her mom, I think we tend to forget it) it Doesn't Have To Be This Way.

Durate twins, I love, love, love you.

#tcp #jude duarte #taryn duarte #tqon #twk #the wicked king #the cruel prince #the queen of nothing #holly black

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knifedog-machina · 2 months

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Daemons To Systems, And The Ways They Intertwine

Hey, I’m Max, he/they - I’m the host of our system, the guy who lives in the front and has only ever lived here, the one who identifies our body as my body specifically. A few nights ago, we realized something about our system origins while talking to some other systems, and I’ve honestly never heard of it happening before, so I thought I’d talk about it.

I used to think that I was a singlet before Jude and Gavin walked in. Now I’m pretty sure I wasn’t. See, before I was the host of a system, I was a daemian. I had three daemons, over the course of my time practicing daemonism, interacting with the community. And they were all a little weird.

The first one was Charlie, affectionately longformed as Charlemagne. Xe appeared in January 2018 as a red fox, said that was xir settled form, and never changed from that. That’s an option for daemons - I know other daemons who chose their forms, independent of how well that form represented their daemian, and stayed that way - but it was in contrast to how most people seemed to do it. I never really felt the need to find a form that fit my personality, not when xe was so confident that this was what xe was.

I didn’t try to make xir do anything, I didn’t decide to give xir faux autonomy - xe just did things xirself, with or without my prompting. Xe was playful, optimistic, a cheerful presence always willing to race around and perk me back up. I really needed xir, back then - I was going through a lot of stress in high school, and I needed someone around to remind me of the whimsical little joys in life. Xe fronted sometimes, and I loved when xe did, conjured phantom tail and paws and big fox ears and an unstoppable zest for life.

My next daemon, Martin, appeared in May 2019 after a fever dream. Really. I was sick and tired and miserable, and I didn’t want to do anything, including things that would make me feel better, and a new internal voice appeared in my head. She told me to drink some water and get to sleep. The next morning, she was still there, lounging around as a large black dog, and she stayed.

This became her role, her purpose in our mind, being a shepherd for my needs. She ran our faulty executive functioning, told me to take care of myself when I forgot important things, encouraged me when I failed to meet expectations. She raised her hackles when anyone tried to overstep our boundaries, and advocated for doing what we needed to protect ourselves, regardless of whether it was nice or polite.

Charlie and Martin overlapped in existence for a while. Charlie loved having a big sibling to play with, and Martin was fond of xir. So I had two daemons for a while, and the arrangement was nice. As I transitioned out of high school into college, my circumstances and environment drastically changed. Charlie was sweet, but xe stopped having a function in my life, so over the months, xe popped up less and less, until xe faded away entirely. Xe wasn’t upset to go, and xir memory is a comfort to me - xe served xir purpose, brought me joy, and had a life well lived.

In October 2021, I created a new daemon, compartmentalizing my emotional dysregulation and disordered anxiety into something that was Not Myself, so I could talk to it and understand its needs without being overwhelmed with distress. This became the feral shadow of a dog that we named Cortisol, nicknamed Court - and if Martin was our Freudian superego, who provided guidance for my decisions and stability when I got stressed, Court was our id, feeling all the explosive emotions that I couldn’t externally express and curling up for scritches like a beloved pet when it got what it needed.

We stayed like that for almost a year, getting familiar with the rhythm of life together. Then, in August 2022, my current headmates walked into my brain. My daemons vanished for the duration of their stay.

They only stayed around a few days, that first time - I was moving to a new place and having new people in my brain simultaneously was overloading our mental RAM, so I was forgetting a lot, and I decided that I’d rather live with them some other time. They understood, we said our goodbyes, and they walked out the next morning. (Recounting this to my friend Tanix was hilarious, by the way. “what the fuck (positive)” he said, his own headmates unable to do this. The joys of being a gateway system.) Once the headmates were gone, my daemons returned into my life.

They came back in March 2023, after I settled down into college for a while, and the memory didn’t jam up like it did previously, so we didn’t part ways this time. Martin and Court vanished overnight, again, and looking back on it, I’m noticing some patterns.

Gavin is basically performing the same role that Martin did - he’s the guy reminding us about our responsibilities, talking through the emotions when we feel like garbage, telling me to eat when I forget, or encouraging me to eat when I have enough sensory issues that I can't stomach anything. He consistently fronts when talking to people we don’t especially like, because he feels protective of us and tends to be the most patient with annoyances.

He’s also literally just some guy, just a decent human person who wound up in here because his partner arrived in my brain five minutes before him and understandably got really upset about it, so he followed them in. Somehow. We don't know how it works, but I also don't know exactly where the first two of my daemons came from, so I’m fine leaving it as a mystery.

(He has a lot of complicated feelings about the position he's in, playing a daemon’s role as a completely different person from me, and will probably write his own post about it some time.)

Jude is, unfortunately, kinda in the same role as Court. And since Court held the emotional dysregulation in my brain, Jude also holds the grand majority of the distress and anxiety that we feel on a regular basis. We all really wish it was split more evenly, because Jude tends to not only lose the ability to talk when they panic, they also get stuck in the front, completely unable to talk to me or Gavin.

(It’s not even that they feel the stress that directly affects them, it’s that on top of the stress that we get in our daily life. They regularly had panic attacks over my grades and exams last semester, and they weren’t even the one studying for it at all! It’s fucked up and I don’t love it for us.)

And there are other interesting little coincidences. You know how Court was a sketched-in sort of black dog? Jude only really realized they related to dogs upon arriving in the system with me, and the archetypal form they identify with is, again, a stylized black dog.

It’s really interesting, the ways my brain decided to be plural, because I didn’t think I was a system back then. I had a daemon, then two daemons, and they were daemons because I considered them parts of myself - no matter how autonomous they were, we were bound together in the same identity, as parts of the same person. They were reflections of me, and I loved them like I loved myself, and they loved me with the same ferocity.

With this realization, that my daemons effectively merged into my system, I did have to ask - are my headmates also parts of me, since they’re falling into the same functional compartments in my brain? We don’t think so, or at least, we don’t think it’s that simple.

They’re completely different people from me, people who arrived here with their own lives and memories and identities. They aren’t autonomous reflections of my psyche like my daemons were. They’re my weird roommates who moved in with me, and my boyfriends, and I guess you could say we’re life partners - because hey, what’s a partner if not someone you share a life with? What’s more intimate than sharing the same body, hearing each other's thoughts and feelings? They aren't parts of me, but we live the same life together, and I think that counts as something just as significant.

#max talks #personal essay #alterhuman #daemonism #plurality #gateway system

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rou-luxe · 11 days

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the one thing grandpa silvio didn't pass down to jude was the misogyny ♡ we love to see it.

☝ hold that thought!! let me look at this objectively

analysis under the cut, spoilers for silvio's route

I like Silvio in general, but his condescending remarks can definitely be uncomfortable. Instead of the rest of the cast calling MC a "rabbit" or by name, he calls MC a "lady" (but not exactly in a polite way), in both English and Japanese. He rarely calls MC by name, if I remember correctly. It's been a while. I'm not sure what the devs had in mind, but from the surface, it would seem that he views MC more as a "lady", focusing on her gender, rather than seeing her as a person. Though I'm not sure what to say about "rabbit" 😭 I think "rabbit" and "robin" are cuter, though, they're more like endearing nicknames. (Alfons saying "robin" makes me melt)

Although arrogance is a key part of Silvio's character, it seems to be mainly towards MC only rather than the whole cast... he commands her to be his hostess despite her saying no, and the fact that Rio did it instead. Though this was mainly to punish Rio for what he did, did Silvio necessarily have to drag in MC? No. It was mainly for the plot... because MC wouldn't bear being around him otherwise.

Though Silvio does insult the other members of the cast to some degree, he doesn't force them to do anything. Sure, maybe some persuasion to get his plan in at the end of his route, but he's not as insistent on getting what he wants as he was with MC.

However... throughout his life, Silvio has never had a kindhearted woman around him. Despite being a prince, his upbringing had quite a few rough edges. His mother forced him to be hurtful towards Rio. Does that sound like a good mother to you? The main woman in his early life had a black heart, so he's always been skeptical of women. Silvio has had plenty of one-night stands (eg. waking up after one in the beginning scene of his path), but he's never had a deep relationship. It has been stated multiple times that the women who tried to seduce him were only after his money or his looks, not him as a person. Silvio didn't seem to really like his family either. He's always held disdain towards his parents, and his and Rio's relationship is more than complicated.

From his past relationships, I can at least conclude this: Silvio doesn't know how to love someone because he's never been loved. It has been stated multiple times that Silvio gets what he wants from money, that is the way he was raised and how his life had always worked. His wealth has always been the answer, and not knowing how to express himself, he showered MC with money. Silvio doesn't know how to show that he loves someone.

Though Silvio treats MC better near the end of his route, it still doesn't change the fact that he remains rather patronizing. They're an unexpected couple, and Silvio did have a few developments in the duration of his path.

That said, I like how Cybird always has a flaw or two in their characters. For example, Vincent, though seeming angelic and pure, cannot understand certain "humanly" emotional concepts (? I didn't finish his path). Clavis is not always the most cautious and will do the most reckless things to stick with what he believes.

TDLR; maybe Cybird went a bit too far with that one but I can't really hate Silvio for it because it can be explained

Jude though I am proud he's annoyed at everyone equally AGHGHGH 🗣🗣🔥

#rouanswers #roubrainrot #routheories #silvio ricci #ikepri #ikemen prince #character analysis

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ur-mousey · 11 days

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Random Masterlist ~

This'll include the fanfic links of smaller fandoms or OC projects that might not get a separate masterlist. Any anime fics I do that are not JJK will end up here until further notice. Request rules and other masterlists are here.

The Folk of Air

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A Shot in the Dark ~ (possible part two in the works) 2.1k

Jude x Cardan

Jude is hunting to get her mind off of a steamy night shared between her and Cardan Greenbriar. Modern AU, no magic.

I'll Make you Miss Me ~

Imagine! Jude x Singer! Cardan

Imagine! Cardan missing his wife, who he banished, to the point he made a song becoming her home. Song link included.

JUDE X CARDAN X VALERIEN *IN PROGRESS*

MULTIPLE PART SERIES *IN PROGRESS*

Class of 09'

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Benzo-Addict ~ prt 1, prt 2 (in progress)

Jeffery x F! Reader

Jeffery had enough of you ignoring him. One day you decide to get hella high and wasted. Doesn't help you popped pills. Now you and your boyfriend are at this otaku's mercy. *Dark, heavy drug use and non-con elements*

Kiss up, Bitch ~

Nicole x Jecka

JECKA X NICOLE *IN PROGRESS*

Entangled Lies - OC Rhin

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COMING SOON - limited Monster series

The Coffin of Andy and Leyley

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COMING SOON

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bookishlu · 2 years

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jude after literally murdering valerian: “they say i did something bad. then why’s it feel so good?”

#babe we love u but irl you would be in jail or a mental hospital #taylor swift reputation is cruel prince #also look what you made me do is jude #stan the character development #no wonder cardan is on his knees for jude #jude durate #cardan greenbriar #valerian #taryn duarte #cruel prince #taylor swift #i did something bad #reputation #wicked king #queen of nothing

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hannahssimblr · 2 months

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I’m pretty sure I’ll throw up, it’s not a matter of if, but when. I sit shivering and grey faced in the boys changing room at nine o’clock, Friday morning and wish I was dead. Actually, I’ve wished I was dead rather consistently for the duration of the morning, from the moment I woke up at seven after maybe two hours of sleep, while preparing my sister’s breakfast, while showering, dressing myself in my horrible uniform and for the whole seafront walk to the school gates, where I kept imagining cars swerving over the cycle path and mercifully mowing me down.

“Jude, man, what time you get home at last night?” Fitzy is in my ear, “I’m so hungover, man, my head is bloody pounding.”

“Dunno,” I reply, “Not long after you I’d say,” through the aura of my vicious migraine I peer at my phone screen where one new message notification blinks at me.

Jude, darling. Just thinking of you after our call. I hope you’re doing okay. I know I shouldn’t be worried but if you want to talk again tomorrow I am available. Lots of love & miss you every day. xoxox Maureen.

Jesus Christ. Did I call Aunt Maureen last night? I check my call log to see that indeed, I made a long distance call to New Mexico at four in the morning. A seven minute call. A groan of despair escapes me. I have no recollection. What did I say to her? Something unhinged enough to warrant this anxious text message, whatever it was. I bet I was an incoherent, embarrassing mess.

Sorry Maureen, it’s all good. I was just a bit homesick. We should catch up properly at the weekend if you’re free. No need to worry. X J

It’s a cruel thing, P.E first thing on a Friday morning, but Mr. Doherty, a likely sadist, seems to love it. This is the same man who scheduled an African drumming workshop the day after our junior cert results came out, knowing full well what he would be inflicting upon a classroom full of hungover sixteen year olds.

He’s got a basketball in his hands today, bouncing it around the gym floor with his legs spread out about a metre apart. I don’t know why he stands like that, though I suspect perhaps it's a part of his lifelong quest to become the world's most intimidating man and take up the maximum amount of space possible. I made up a story about seeing him on a public bus seat with his legs at a 180 degree angle once, and I still hear it repeated sometimes as though it's fact.

He’s going on about teams, explaining something involving those smelly polyester bibs that nobody has washed since 1972, but I am distracted by the sunlight from the windows edging the ceiling and the way that is so unmanageably bright. Doherty pulls the first of the neon bibs out of the bucket and the sight of it, the colour, the sweat stains around the armpits, makes my stomach lurch.

“Bib, Turner,” he barks as he throws it at me and I catch it, along with a whiff of stale sweat and Jurassic era skin cells and I drop it right onto the floor, guts churning as I race to the toilets and retch and puke, fallen to my knees inside the filthy stall until there’s nothing left inside me.

“Classic Jude,” someone is saying when they all filter into the changing rooms afterwards while I still clutch the bowl. I must be here forty minutes now. “Always throwing up.”

“Y’alright?” Someone else calls out, and I groan. “Well Doherty wants you when you’re done. He’s waiting in the gym.”

“Fuck sake,” I fist my hair in my hands and considering knocking myself out and getting the nurse to send me home.

It’s another few minutes until I trust myself to exit the bathroom, and then, like a shell of a boy, I trudge out to the gym on rubber legs to where Doherty waits beneath a basketball hoop.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you for a while,” He begins, his voice echoing through the rafters.

“Uh huh,”

“It’s Friday. Jude. It’s a school day. How is it that you think you can show up to class in this state?”

“Dunno, sir.”

“I know that you’re a smart boy, right? You know better than this. So when you’re at school, that means you come prepared, well rested, homework done, and in a decent, respectable state, do you understand? You can’t be off doing whatever you like with your evenings, especially if you’re going to show up to my class like this. I shouldn’t even have to explain this to you.”

“Yes sir.”

“This is an insult to me, do you hear what I’m saying? You think because it’s P.E on Friday that you can rip the piss? That you don’t have to take it as seriously as other classes?”

“No, Sir.”

“You’re the same at my Rugby practises too these days, you’ve gone all soft and unfit on me. Is this why? Are you out galavanting every night of the week?”

I hesitate, “Some.”

“Is the boom back already? Sex drugs and rock n roll and whatnot.”

“I dunno what any of those things are.”

“Oh, give me a bloody break. You think I was born yesterday? I could smell your type a mile away, and this is my last straw. I want to see you in detention today from four to five.”

I leap to attention, “Wait, no, sir, I can’t do detention.”

“Seriously, Turner? Are you joking me right now?” “Yes, no, honestly sir. I have an agreement with the school. I don’t have to do detention on Fridays, ask the vice principal, I have-”

“Well that’s the biggest load of bollox I ever heard, do you know that? Special agreement,” he scoffs, “Yeah, pull the other one.”

“I’ll do it Monday, I promise, I just can’t tonight.”

“You’re heading out again, is it? More partying? More drinking and acting the mick? I don’t think so. Detention at four.”

“But sir, I-”

“Don’t talk to me. Decision is final, and if you’re not there, consider yourself suspended.”

I pace the yard at lunchtime waiting for a call to connect.

“Hello?”

“Oh, Trisha, hi, it’s Jude Turner, um, Ivy’s brother?”

“Oh Jude, sweetheart, how are you keeping?”

“Good, yeah, uh, just wondering, are you picking her up from school today?”

“As usual… unless something has changed? She and Ella were planning to work on some sort of group project for school, but if you want to come and get her earlier…”

“No, this is about her piano lesson.”

“Yes, I expect I’ll drop her off at four as I always do…”

“Right, yes, is there any chance that maybe you could collect her too? Just for this week.”

She hisses through her teeth, “Ahh, well you know that we have swimming lessons Fridays at five, we’ll have to be straight on the road… is there going to be a problem collecting her?”

“Um, no, just school stuff, there’s a chance I’ll be delayed.”

“What about your mum, sweetie?”

“She works until six usually,” there’s dead air on the line and I quickly babble on to fill the silence, “But I’m sure if I tell her what’s happening she’ll leave early, never mind anyway Trisha, I just thought I’d ask.”

“Alright! Sorry about that, love, I’m sure your mum will get it sorted.”

“Yeah. Same. Bye,” I put my phone back into my trouser pocket. No point even trying mom’s phone. She never answers and if she did she wouldn’t help.

The bell rings for the end of lunch.

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#lucky boy 2009 #tw: vomit #tw: alcohol #tw: drugs #tw: suicidal ideation

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