#journey rest stop toilet paper pen

[sunnydaisy1]

School Trip

Tom Holland x fem!reader

A/N: I FRICKING LIVE FOR TEACHER!TOM LIKE LORDDDDD HELP ME. I hope you enjoy and yes, yes i am a hoe for the natural history museum. 

You put your keys into your rucksack's pocket as you walk across the staff carpark towards the school. Your class was going on a school trip today to the National History Museum alongside the other year 5 classes. (Ages 9 to 10 for those of you who aren't British) The coaches were already pulled up outside the school and the children were starting to filter through the gates towards the canteen. You briskly walked to your classroom to grab the attendance lists and forms you had left there yesterday. You quickly entered the classroom, turning the lights on and gathering the papers on your desk and trotting to the cupboard to get the medical forms. You heard a knock on your door and leaned back out the cupboard to see Tom leaning on your doorframe, smirk on his face. Your heart fluttered at his casual attire- blue jeans with a black shirt under a flannel. How could someone look so good no matter what they wore? He could wear a binbag and pull it off. You quickly grabbed the forms and locked the cupboard door. "Hey Tom, I'm just grabbing these." You said and he nodded, smiling at your slightly panicked movements. "Alright love, saw you pop in here and thought we could walk to the canteen together." He replied, rucksack slung on his back. You grinned slightly, "sounds good, you got your classes' medical forms?" Tom nodded, waving a plastic wallet of papers, "Yep." Once you had turned your classroom lights out, you and Tom walked along the corridor to the canteen, scooting past younger year students on the way. You both entered the canteen and saw your pupils waiting in areas designated for each class. Considering that you had class 5A and Tom had class 5B, your students were huddled next to each other. "See you in a minute." Tom said, already occupied with dealing with overexcited children. You nodded and made your way over to your own class, pulling out the clipboard with the register attached. "Okay everyone, I'm gonna do the register so can we please quieten down?" You announced and all your pupils turned to face you, shushing each other. "Perfect, thankyou!" There were only 2 children missing from your class and you weren't too worried as there was still 15 minutes until the students should be filing onto the coaches. Mrs Jackson who was running this whole trip came over to you, her hair neatly done up in a bun with a sharp look on her face, "How many yet to arrive?" "Only 2." You replied before she walked over to Tom who was chatting to a few of his students who were giggling. You watched him fondly before you felt a tug on your arm, "Miss L/N, Harry and Lily have arrived." You kindly thanked the little girl and walked over to the two students, checking their names off the list and chatting with them for a bit. 10 minutes later, Mrs Jackson stood at the front of the canteen and blew her whistle, signalling for everyone to listen up. "Okay everyone, we will soon be boarding the coaches so I want all of you to listen to your teachers and follow their instructions quietly and sensibly. If you need the toilet now is the time to go as the coach journey there will be a while. Classes 5A and B are to head to Coach 1. Classes 5C and D to Coach 2. Thankyou." You turned to face your children, "Alright everybody, does anyone need the toilet?" A few hands popped up, "Okay, is that everyone because like Mrs Jackson said there will be no toilet stops until we get to the Museum?" A few more hands raised and you nodded, "I need you to follow Mr Barnett to the toilets then and the rest of you will wait here with me." The small group of children followed the kind TA to the toilets, leaving you with the rest of the class. "Is everybody excited to see all the fossils and dinosaurs?" You asked, earning a lot of cheers and excited chatter from the pupils. Tom checked his list before looking over to your class, chuckling at the crowd of beaming faces listen to you describe what they might see at the museum, mirroring his own excited bunch of kids. "Mr Holland are we gonna leave soon?" A small kid asked and Tom nodded, "Yep, we are just waiting for the last few to come back from the toilets Jake then we'll be good to go." You soon all filtered out the canteen and walked to the coaches parked outside the school. Your class and Tom's had merged on the way and you stopped outside the coach door, waiting for the kids to quieten down. Tom spoke up, "Okay everyone, we need you all to find a seat on the coach and buckle your seatbelts in, Miss L/N and I will do a register once you're all on." You stepped to one side as the coach door opened and signalled for the first kids to climb onto the coach, already racing to the back to get the best seats. You chuckled at their eagerness and checked your watch, happy to see that you were on time. Once all the kids were on, you climbed up the steps while Tom talked to Mrs Jackson. You found the 2 remaining seats and passed out a sheet to each of the parent volunteers and teachers, detailing which children were in each group. You spoke loudly to gain everyone's attention and the coach instantly silenced, kids eager to leave as soon as possible. "I'm going to do 5A's register and when Mr Holland is back he will do 5B. Please say yes if you are here and wave so we can see where you are. Okay, Daniel?" Each of your children waved at you as you read out their name, and you breathed a sigh of relief as all children from your class were present on the coach. You heard Tom climb onto the coach and he stopped beside you, getting the pen from behind his ear as he completed his class register. "All good?" You asked and he nodded, placing the pen back and putting the clipboard down. "Okay everyone, Mr Holland and I only have a few things to say before we head off. No one is to leave their seat whilst the coach is moving unless it is an emergency. We expect you all to be on your best behaviour as you usually are and once we arrive, we will tell you which groups you are in." You announced, Tom nodding beside you. "Yep, now we are going to come and check all your seatbelts are done correctly before we leave." You both walked up and down the aisle, ensuring each child had their seatbelt on. You plopped yourself down in the seat you found, Tom talking to one of his students before walking to find you. "Mind if I join?" He asked, cheekily grinning at you as you looked up from the groups sheet you were studying. "Not at all." You said, moving up so you sat in the window seat. Tom scooted in beside you, taking his rucksack off, "thanks, you worked out which group you're with yet?" You nodded, "Yep, group 4. And if I am correct...." You scanned the page, stomach flipping at the thought of spending a whole day with Tom, "You are also assigned to group 4." Tom grinned, looking down to where you were pointing to see Tom Holland and Y/N L/N written above Group 4. "So I am." Tom said cheekily, "lucky me." You shoved him playfully and he chuckled, leaning onto you slightly so he could do his seatbelt, causing a waft of his cologne to go up your nose and subsequently give you a mini heartattack. The journey to the museum passed quickly, you and Tom discussing his trip to see his parents last week and your plans for Easter. The coach pulled up to the school parking area at the Museum and you and Tom both unbuckled yourselves, clambering out the seats to stand up in front of the students. "I'll read out your groups now and your group leader will register you once we all get off the coach." Tom explained. "Okay first off we have Group 1..." Soon, all the kids were off the coach, standing beside their group leaders who were starting to register them. You got off the coach after checking to see no one had left anything and walked over to where Tom was standing, looking effortlessly handsome whilst checking off the kids from the list. "MISS L/N!" The kids cheered when you walked over and you grinned, "Looks like you're all excited then." You said, making all the children nod their heads enthusiastically. "We have the best group- we get both you and Mr Holland!" Gracie from your class declared, many kids agreeing with her. "Thanks you guys." Tom said, nudging you shoulder with his. The students were all soon waiting in one of the school rooms within the museum, waiting for a worker to come and hand you all out maps and other items. A middle aged woman walked in, carrying a large box full of stuff. "Hello everybody you must be from Beckonswell Primary School!" She asked, causing all the children to nod and cheer. Mrs Jackson introduced herself to the worker who said her name was Mandy. Mandy clasped her hands together as she waited for all the children to listen up. "Okay everybody so before we all head out to the different areas of the museum, i have a few things to give out to you all and some rules." She held up 6 packs of wristbands and some maps. "Here are wristbands for each of your groups, just so that if any of you get lost, we know which school you are from and can get you back to one of your teachers. I also have maps detailing the different areas of the museum which i will give to your fabulous group leaders." Mandy handed the wristbands to Mrs Jackson who walked around, dispersing these to each group leader. "Now for the rules. At the National History Museum, we only have 3 very important rules that will make sure your time here is enjoyable and interesting for everyone. Number 1, you always stay with your group. Number 2, you do not touch or climb on any of the exhibits. And finally Number 3, you have fun and ask lots of questions! That's all from me until lunchtime where I will meet you back in here. Have fun guys!" Mandy announced before walking off to the side slightly to allow us to get organised but still ask questions if needed. Tom turned to the group and smiled, "Alrighty then you lot, i need you all to find a partner, any partner will do and when you are done put your hand up and i'll give you out a wristband." The 10 kids quickly arranged themselves into pairs, Tom handing them each a matching coloured wristband. You were busy studying the map, working out where your group was going. Frances spoke up as her partner was sticking her wristband to her wrist, "wait Mr Holland, you don't have a partner, what if you get lost?" Tom nods his head in your direction and said, "I'm stuck with Miss L/N." The children all giggle and you turn around, "Hm?" You ask, looking at them expectantly. Tom waves two pink flurescent wristbands in front of you and says, "We're partners." whilst wiggling his eyebrows, causing you to roll your eyes but grin at his childish behaviour. Tom hands you one of the wristbands and you take it, trying to secure it on properly but struggling with the map in your hand. "Here darling let me do it." Tom says when he notices your struggling and takes the wristband from your hand while you extend your arm out so he can stick it round. His fingers gently dust the wrist of your skin, making your heart beat a little faster. He runs a finger under the side of the band, his soft skin moving against yours, "This alright? Not too tight?" He asks, still gently holding your wrist in his grip. "Perfect, thankyou Tom." He grins and sticks his own wrist out, making you chuckle and put down the map as you take his arm and wrap the wristband around his wrist, trying not to enjoy the way his veins are prominent in his forearm and the look of his hands. "All done." You say, letting go of his wrist. "Cheers Y/N." Tom says, whilst you pick up the map again. Soon, you are in front of your first exhibit, the children gazing in awe at the dinosaur fossils in the glass case as you read the sign beside it out loud. Tom is crouching beside a few of the students, pointing to the different parts as you explain. You continue to walk round the museum, stopping in front of the exhibits to marvel at them and you often found yourself rambling on to Tom about them and whilst he found himself watching you with a warm feeling in his chest as your eyes lit up with passion and awe. One of the girls from your group spotted a dark room off to the side where a video seemed to be playing and she instantly walked up to Tom, begging him if they could go have a look. You shrugged as if to say why not to him when he looked up at you and you made sure all the kids were with you as you entered the dark room. There were cushioned benches staggered at the back of the room, much like a tiny cinema and you told the children to sit on the front benches so they could see better whilst you and Tom stood up on the side as there weren't any seats left. You both squidged yourself behind a group of exchange students, Tom leaning against the wall as you stood in front of him. You accidentally trod on his foot when someone squeezed in front of you and you heard him yelp softly and you immediately turned round, placing a hand on his forearm, "Oops sorry Tommy, didn't mean to squish your foot." Tom shook his head, "No worries love." You returned back to watching the movie about the evolution of birds, much like the kids from your group, in awe. You were too enthralled in the short movie to see an older couple squeeze in front of you, Tom gently placed his hands on your upper arms and pulled you back against his chest as they passed in front of you, whispering a thankyou. Your eyes widened as you felt Tom's chest against your back, feeling the room get so much warmer. "Sorry love." He said, releasing his hands from you and you quickly stepped forward a bit, wanting to calm down your heart from the contact. The short movie quickly ended and small lights lit up across the room, guiding people out as they left. You walked to the front, glancing at Tom quickly to see a blush on his freckled cheeks. "That was awesome Miss L/N!" One of the kids said and you chuckled, "It was wasn't it. I think we have time to visit one more exhibit before we head back to the room for lunch." Tom followed as you left the room, all your kids excitedly chattering in front of you as they walked to the next exhibit. "You were like a lil kid in there Y/N." He said as he walked beside you, grinning at you, "All big eyes and gaping mouth at the screen." You chuckled and nudged him, "what can i say, I'm a sucker for history." Tom laughed and tucked his hands in his pockets. Soon, it was lunch and the kids were all sitting round the tables as the teachers and parents plopped down at their own seats. "Did you enjoy the whale display?" Mrs Kit asked you as you sat down beside her. "I loved it, probably more than the kids!" You replied and she laughed, continuing to discuss the museum and your shared love for history. Tom sat down beside you a minute later after answering some of the kids questions. "Oh damn Holland, cheese sandwich, that is a surprise." You stated when Tom took out his lunch, referencing to his regular choice of ham. "What can I say y/n i'm a man of many tastes." Tom replied, taking a large bite out of his sandwich and grinning at you. You unwrapped your own sandwich, placing a few of your crisps between the bread. "I will never understand why you do that." Tom states, watching on in half disgust as you smush your sandwich down. "It adds more texture to my meal Thomas." You say, knowing he loves to make fun of you for this. "Woah slow down there I didn't know Gordon Ramsay was sitting next to me." Tom replied, cheekily beaming as he saw you narrow your eyes at him. "Very funny, now leave me and my delicious sandwich alone cheddar boy." You take a bite of your sandwich and Tom laughs at your defiant expression. When lunch is over, you walk back over to Tom after going to the toilet quickly to see him doing impressions of dinosaurs. You stand beside him as he roars and waves his lil 'dinosaur hands' and the children giggle, laughin hysterically as he turns to you and chomps his teeth twice. You grin and shake your head, getting ready to leave. You spend the rest of the trip walking around the remainder of the museum, taking your time to answer the children's questions and explain to them the different animals and plants. It soon reaches 2.45 and you are forced to return back to the coaches so the children can get back in time for end of school. You and Tom are waiting outside Coach 1, watching as the last child gets on the coach. Mrs Jackson was to come round before you got on to leave and you tucked the register away. Tom pulled something out his bag and stood opposite you, grinning at you as you squinted at him in the sunlight. "I got something for you." He beams, that cheeky smile making your stomach flutter. Tom hands you a small brown paper bag from the gift shop and you open it to see a little dinosaur skeleton statue in it. You look up at him and feel your cheeks aching with smiling so hard, "Aww thanks Tom, i love it." He returns your wide smile and pulls out another brown bag, "I got matching ones so we now have dinosaur twins for our desks." He wiggled his eyebrows at you and sent you a wink, cuasing you to laugh. "They're amazing, I'm going to call mine Sid." You say, making Tom snort, "like the sloth from ice age?" You nod, cradling 'Sid' in your hands, "Yep." Tom shakes his head at you, grinning at you, "Well mine is Bill." Its youre turn to snort, "After Mamma Mia?" You ask and Tom nods enthusiastically, "Of course." Mrs Jackson comes and collects the checked off registers from you, allowing the pair of you to return to your seats on the coach. Tom clambers in next to you and you take out your phone, looking through the photos you took today as the coach leaves. Tom watches you as you smile at each one, "You're such a nerd." He states, causing you to tear your eyes away from the screen, "Wow thats rude." You chuckle at Tom's teasing. "You're a nerd too Tom, don't deny it I saw those dinosaur impressions." Tom grinned, "You're lucky you're cute L/N." He states, watching as your eyes slightly widen but beam remain in place. "Doesn't cancel out calling me a nerd Thomas." You shrug your shoulders, returning to flicking through your photos. "Will a day out to the Fossil museum this weekend cancel it out?" Tom asks, making you almost have whiplash from looking up at him. Tom gets flustered as you look at him, scratching the back of his neck, "I mean...only if you wanted to-" You cut off his nervous rambling, "I would love to go on a date with you." Tom grins, heart skipping a beat, "Great." Tom leans forward to kiss you but you place a finger on his lips, making his eyes open, "As much as I would love to kiss you right now Tom, we are in the middle of a coach full of kids." You whisper, making Tom's face go bright red. "Oh..right uh yeah..." He stutters and you grin, lacing his fingers with yours instead. 

#tom #tom holland x reader #spiderman x reader #tom holland #teacher!tom x reader #tom x reader #tom holland oneshot #tom holland imagine #marvel x reader #marvel #spiderman #thomas stanley holland

[herb-whump]

Summer Job

I'm dying its 2 am god help me

Taglist: @albino-whumpee @torture-as-lovely-as-you

Let me know if you want to be tagged in other stories than Don't get far away Precious or not cause i do not know shit about taglists

CW/ manipulation and abuse mentions and threats, slight rape mention

Mikołaj went to sleep finally, squeezing himself next to the mattress on the hard floor. It wasn't pleasant, and he always woke up a little cranky afterward.

- Honey. - A familiar voice woke him up for good. It was his mom, softly smiling at him - I made breakfast... it's not much but you still gotta eat something.

- Okay... - Mikołaj sighed, blushing a bit. His mom still treated him like a little boy sometimes.

He sat down at the table next to his little brother. There wasn't much for breakfast. Some buns bought on the end of the day sale, with cheese and tomatoes, and cheap black tea to drink. Mikołaj looked down at the cup, the water was muddy, it wasn't of the best quality around these parts of the city.

- thank you, mom... For the breakfast - he smiled a little and the woman nodded. - I have to go to work soon so I probably won't eat a lot.

- But it's Sunday, I thought you would stay home today. - Magda frowned - You already work too hard during the week. You should get some rest.

- I was hoping we would go hang out today...! - his brother pouted, not happy.

- Mom, Tymek, I have to, and it's not a big job either. I will try to be back sooner today, I promise.

Magda wouldn't push her son anymore to stay, so she just sighed with a pained expression.

He ate one bun and drank the tea as fast as he could. Got a change of clothes and left the house, with a simple "I love you" while leaving. A man from another block of flats said he will pay him for repairing his shower. The man was an acquaintance of his. While they weren't friends, they talked a bit, and Mikołaj accidentally confessed to having this dire situation with money.

He knocked on the front door, to soon be greeted by the man. His name was Josef, and he was a middle-aged man, with short brown hair and round glasses. A kind face and from what Mikołaj could gather, he was a father to two kids, and after a divorce.

- Here you are! I was waiting for you. - Josef chuckled softly and invited the boy inside, showing him what was wrong with the shower, which Mikołaj started working on almost immediately - You know Miko, You need quick money right?

- Yeah, kinda... - Mikołaj bit his lip. - stupid shower head...

- Listen here, I know this guy, he has a work agency. He mostly hires young strong men like you, you work abroad, and earn much more this way. Usually only for about a month or two.

- w-wait really? - Mikołaj stopped for a bit. It sounded... A little shady to say the least. But he did worse things and if a kind father is recommending this, maybe it's actually a good opportunity. - Can you give me the guy's number? I will call him today if I can.

- Sure thing Miko. - The man smiled.

After finally fixing the shower, Josef wrote down the man's number on a piece of paper, paid Mikołaj, and sent him home. But before he returned to his mom and brother, the boy sat down at a secluded bench in the local park. He stared intensely at the number Josef wrote down. He was still debating if he should call it. But he didn't have many options at this point. He slowly put the number in his phone and rang.

- Good evening, how can I help you? - the voice belonged to a young woman, it was calm and soft.

- Uhm... Good evening. I've heard of job offerings in this agency. My friend, Josef recommended I call.

- Ah! Yes, yes! Of course! So you will need to send us your resume and talk in person of course - The woman explained everything

Except what the job abroad actually was. But Mikołaj didn't think much of it. If it made money and wasn't prostitution, he was in.

It was some time for the in-person meeting to happen, but it wasn't at all what the boy had imagined.

The man sitting before him was not much older than Mikołaj himself, 30 at most, but Mikołaj gave him 26. He had dark black messy hair, medium length. Brown eyes and wore sunglasses on his head. Golden chains on his neck and other expensive jewelry. He looked rich, to say the least. Not to mention the place of the meeting. Almost empty office room, in a freshly built business complex. Most of the spaces in it were just put out to be rented.

- Hi Mikołaj. - The man spoke up with a giggly, yet deep voice - You can call me Vasya. You're just going to sign those papers and you're hired for the month. If all goes well maybe we will hire you for a month more. - He slid a few papers on the table.

- N-no questions? I thought this was an interview... I mean don't get me wrong please, I'm just really surprised. - He chuckled nervously, slowly looking down at the papers.

- No questions. I think your resume said enough and just from looking at you, I think you will be a great fit. We need healthy, strong young men. It will be a physically taxing job but you wrote you did many jobs like that.

- I guess... - With shaky hands he took the papers in his hands, trying to comprehend what he was actually signing. But seeing the pay, stated at the end was enough to make him stop reading, and just take the pen. He signed it, never asking any more questions. This much money will get them a better flat and food for sure.

Even if the job was gross or heavily taxing, he will bear it. It's only a month, right? And if it's great, he can work for two months. That would secure their life for a long time.

He came back home with the news and a smile on his face. He burst through the door and hugged his mom tight

- O-oh dear! You got the job I presume. - his mom laughed and tousled his hair with a gentle expression. - I'm just sad you're going to be gone for a month or two.

- Mikołaj! So you're going? Is.. it bad I kinda hoped you wouldn't? You go out every day almost...

- I'm sorry Tymek. I really am. I promise after I come back, we're going to move to a nice place and I'm gonna spend much more time with you. - Mikołaj smiled softly, trying to comfort his little brother.

- I suppose... But you really promise, right? - he noded - Okay. Please call us every day though!

- I will. They will come to pick me up by bus the day after tomorrow, so I have to start packing soon. - the brown-haired boy hugged them both again and went to the other side of the room to search for a bag to pack.

The departure day came soon. It was a warm June morning, Mikołaj was standing at a bus stop near his house, waiting for the work bus to come. Clutching his bag in his hand, he looked up at the bus stop screen for the time. It was a little late, but when he looked away from the clock, the bus was coming from the other street. It stopped and opened its door.

- Mr. Kasperczyk? - The bus driver looked at him suspiciously - Show your ID

- Sure. - Mikołaj nodded and showed his ID, the driver promptly inviting him on board.

He walked into the bus, full of young men, probably not much older than himself. Some sat alone, sulking or sleeping, some laughed together in pairs. Seems normal enough. Mikołaj sat down in an empty seat and tired, pressed his head between the window and the seat, slowly falling asleep, still clutching his bag.

He slept through the whole journey, only the familiar face of Vasya, seemingly his new boss, waking him up.

- Wakey wakey sleepy-head. You all have to settle in your rooms. - He smiled. He had a charming aspect to his demeanor, but it kind of made Mikołaj uneasy. He nodded and stood up.

He wasn't sure how he was supposed to treat Vasya, so he'd rather avoid him.

- I will visit all of you in the evening after dinner, okay? - Vasya waved them goodbye and jumped right back into the bus. Was he on it the whole time and Mikołaj didn't notice? Maybe.

The boy looked around. The building was clearly a worker hotel but didn't look too cheap. It looked cozy, and the receptionist informed them they had all separate rooms. She also gave them the keys, and information regarding breakfast and dinner hours. It was all provided for. Mikołaj got a room on the second floor. He opened the wooden door, to see a comfortable-looking room, it was small, smaller than their already small flat but it was more than enough for him. The bed had a birch wooden frame, it was made, and covered with a soft beige blanket. Next to it was a big window and a nightstand, and a wardrobe, all made from birch to fit with the bed. The bathroom was also private. the door was on the right of the entrance, it was also pretty tiny, but it had a shower, toilet, and a sink, all relatively clean, so what more could he ask for?

Mikołaj put the bag down next to the bed and sent a quick text to his mom that he got there safely, and first taking off his shoes, he laid down on the bed. It was soft... and so comfortable. He cracked a little smile, he will buy a similar bed for himself when he gets back for sure. No more back pain and cranky mornings. He could lay in this bed for an eternity... almost forgetting what he was actually here for. Work. Physical work at that.

He rolled around on the bed until dinner time came around. It was probably the first time in forever he would eat an actual dinner, usually, it was just lunch, sometimes breakfast. The boy jumped from the bed and stretched a little.

- Foood... - He smiled, his belly growling from just a thought.

The dining room was pretty small, for sure all of the workers from the bus did not end up in the same hotels. He looked around. The tables were for two, max five people, and it was a buffet. A buffet... all you can eat one. Ah, how he wished it was like this every day at home. Or that at least he could share with his family but alas.

The buffet tables were filled with food, it wasn't the most expensive kind, but it made mikołaj salivate at the mere thought. Sausages, bread and a toaster for it, tomatoes, cucumbers, eggs, and different jams, cereals, and porridge, fresh fruit, coffee, tea...  It was a feast for Mikołaj, and afterward, he returned to his room, full, completely forgetting the visit from Vasya was supposed to happen. So he was relaxing in his room until a knock snapped him out of the light mood.

- Yes?

- It's me. I said I'd come. - It was the man's voice, giggly as always. Mikołaj opened the door and let him in. - You probably want to know what is the job right. - he chuckled a bit, and closed the door, yet still positioning himself as if he was guarding the door.

- well... Yeah, and when do we start? - Miko sat down on the bed again, staring intensely at Vasya. - It's not like prostitution is it?

- No, we wouldn't trick you into prostitution, oh my! - Yet his face looked suspiciously calm. - But you would be surprised what people pay for nowadays. Good money! Tell me little Miko, you're probably used to being beaten up huh?

Mikołaj's face turned white, and he gulped, feeling increasingly uncomfortable. He knew just from looking at him, didn't he? Or was it the giant barely healed wound on his eye the giveaway. Either way, the boy didn't like it one bit.

- What do you mean? - He finally spits out, not looking at Vasya anymore.

- It's simple, people pay for getting one of you, for ten hours, to do whatever they like. The rules are simple, no fatal injuries or rape, or else they deal with me and that's not going to be pleasant. I'm not a monster, I wouldn't let random people actually hurt you! - He said with a grin. - If customers like you, you get paid more usually. You can also agree to do sexual things but you don't have to. It actually doesn't pay that much around these parts.

- So you... You send us to be basically abused for ten hours and you pay us for it. What... What the fuck is wrong with you?

- Careful with those words, pretty boy. - the grin disappeared from the man's face, sending a chill down Mikołaj's spine. - You don't have a choice anymore. You signed your fate away for at least a month! If you break the contract, this family of yours will probably end up on the street soon. Time is ticking, you better do something. I'm giving you a generous offer!

- Sh-shut it. - He bit his lip. Vasya was right, they were on the verge of homelessness. - Okay. It... it's only one month.

- If they like you and you agree maybe tw-

- I know! Fine, holy shit, I will do it! Just... Send the money directly to my family alright?

- Will do that. I hope you stay for longer little Miko! Ah, you have an appointment already tomorrow, at noon, you will be escorted by a taxi from here. Good night and good luck! - He smiled and left the perplexed boy in his room.

#Summer Job #herb writes #whump #whumpblr #whump writing #whump blog

[ve1vetyoongi]

all aboard! (the passion express) | knj

Pairing: namjoon x reader

Genre: smut, office worker!namjoon.

Word count: 10.8k

Summary: There were not many things that got your blood boiling in the same way that two simple words could. Kim Namjoon. The name of your irritating and (unfortunately enough, as the universe would have it) incredibly handsome co-worker. Which is exactly why you never expected to find your self on your knees for him on the train home.

⇢ (or: in which Namjoon thinks you’re hot when you’re mad.)

Warnings: extremely public sex, dom namjoon, exhibitionism, oral (m recieving), thigh riding, kinda daddy kink, fingering, dirty talk, unprotected sex (stay safe kids), rough sex. also, namjoon in a shirt and tie (yum).

A/N: so. this happened. PURE FILTH. remind me not to scroll through “office worker namjoon” mood boards at 1am. p.s. train toilets r always gross so don’t do this (i warned u).

Playlist: visit my playlist page here and select “all aboard”.

⇢ Masterlist: x (links will be added once tumbr stops being a douche :/)

There were not many things that got your blood boiling in the same way that two simple words could.

Kim Namjoon.

The name of your irritating and (unfortunately enough, as the universe would have it) incredibly handsome co-worker.

For the most part your job was perfect; a career in book publishing had always been your dream and spending hours with your nose deep in the pages of new manuscripts and having afternoon tea with authors on weekdays (fit with triangular sandwiches and miniature sponge cakes - paid for with the company card, of course) all in the name of “working” was exactly how you envisioned it - if not more.

That was until Namjoon joined the company six months ago. The day he turned up in the elevator in his stupid suit jacket, despite the dress code being business casual, was the beginning of a journey filled with bitterness, anger and a dread for working hours. And apparently the beginning of an undeniable, all consuming school girl crush which just made you hate him more.

You would be lying if you said you took notice of him immediately. I mean sure, you noticed the hoard of girls who traipsed behind his polished dress shoes, using excuses like coffee refills and desperate quests for paper clips to unashamedly flirt with him.

But you supposed you didn’t truly notice Namjoon until he made it utterly impossible for you to ignore him.

It all started when you began to notice your pens disappearing from the pot on your desk. First it was your red marker and then it was your pink highlighter and you were sure you were just misplacing things or suffering from short term memory loss until you noticed the pile up of stationary on Namjoon’s desk that you distinctlyremembered buying last week.

You decided to be civil, putting any earlier first impressions behind you to confront him politely, only to be met with a grumble about how they just “turned up there.”

Not even an apology, you mused, sending a seething glare his way while you rearranged your pens neatly where they belonged. What an asshole.

After that, every little thing he did seemed to grind your gears. The way he whistled along to the monotonous pop music that crackled out of the office radio, the off-pitch tune droning on and on until you excused yourself with a tight lipped smile before you lobbed a hole puncher at his head.Or the way he would empty the coffee pot without refilling it for the next person and how he always forgot to reset the timer on the microwave.

And then came the management meeting from Hell where what was supposed to be your turn to pitch a new project turned into Namjoon meeting each of your ideas with a bored eye roll and a condescending head shake. He even had the audacity to offer to go over the project out of hours, to “help you.” As if he suddenly had a life time of experience in publishing and you were nothing but an intern.

His pitch, however, went down a treat (much to your dismay).

From then on you found yourself bickering over the pettiest of disputes at every opportunity you could find - desperate to get under his skin, a thirst for satisfaction only quenched by well and truly pissing him off.

That’s when your vendetta against him began. You managed to convince yourself it wasn’t the way he looked through you at the office or the way he smirked at you knowingly when the shorts he wore in the summer made your mouth water or the way he was completely, utterly, positively uninterested in you in any way other than as the co worker he liked to taunt for fun.

And he made sure you knew it, too.

Like when he deliberately left the office blinds open knowing full well that you had a front row view as he so graciously walked Seo Yuna to her car in the lot after work hours - even glinting through the sun and giving a snide wave as though he knew you were watching him from your desk.

Was he trying to rub it in? Was he aware that everyone in the goddamn nine storey office block wished he would look their way? Nothing would surprise you. Just add narcissistic to the list of bad qualities he possessed.

If that was his intention you were ashamed to admit it worked; the pang of jealousy in your chest when he rested his elbows on the car to duck into Yuna’s open window taking you by surprise. And the red hot burn as your fingers pressed angry half moons into your palms to control the swoon that threatened to surface when his deep chuckles fluttered through the open window was enough to confirm one thing:

Yeah, you definitely had a crush on this guy.

And once again, you hated him - for having the ability to turn you into a puddle of lust and for making you want to giggle like a teenager and sit on the thighs that looked so good in those goddamn pants and for setting your pulse at a pace that was most definitely unhealthy and probably categorized you as critically at risk of a heart attack - just by looking at him.

Namjoon was either utterly oblivious or completely uncaring since he seemed intent on pushing you to your limits - and finally, in a climax of events, today was the day when he reached his clumsy-kinda-obnoxious-yet-annoyingly-attractive-while-doing-so peak and any grip you had on your dignity disappeared, setting the angry beast that had remained caged inside you free in the middle of the office.

When you returned from your lunch break your eyes narrowed in on the desk drawer left slightly ajar immediately - your desk was usually meticulously organised - you watched a documentary about decluttered spaces improving productivity (much to the amusement of Namjoon who brushed his own messy habits off as being a sign of “creativity”), so you knew it wasn’t your doing - raising the question of who exactly had the audacity to destroy the harmony of your work space.

The answer was obvious. Nobody else in the office was blatantly bold enough to steal from someone else’s drawer. Except one person in particular, perhaps…

Yes.Your suspicions were confirmed when you peered over your cubicle to glare at Namjoon’s. He was wearing a black shirt today and it stretched deliciously over his broad shoulders, tie resting loosely around the vein in his neck that rose to prominence when he clenched his teeth in concentration, pencil scribbling furiously in the margins of the thick manuscript resting on his crossed knee.

And right next to him, a hot pink stapler balanced haphazardly on a stack of disorganized papers. A hot pink stapler that was absolutely tucked neatly in your drawer before you left for lunch.

Namjoon remained engrossed in his work, unaware of the way your face had begun to heat up with rage. Or maybe the pinkish tinge was a result of the way he pushed his thick framed designer glasses up the bridge of his nose with his forefinger. God he always looked so good in those glasses. Every time he swapped out his contacts you wanted to walk right over there and -

“No,”  You told yourself sternly, biting your lip as you desperately tried to ignore the way your legs had turned to jelly in your shoes. “He’s the worst! You hate him!”

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him…

The same mantra swirled in your head as you took a breath of courage and stalked in the direction of the stapler that rightfully belonged to you. It was about time you stopped taking Namjoon’s shit. It was about time you finally gave him a piece of your mind.

I hate him, I hate him, I…

You reached his desk all too quickly, placing your hands on your hips and staring down at him in a way that you hoped conveyed your vexation. He remained oblivious to your presence for a moment. That was, until, the sound of your exasperated sigh drew his attention, forehead creasing in confusion while he stared straight back at you with lips parted quizzically. Had you caught the Kim Namjoon off guard?

(God, if there was one thing you didn’t hate it was his face.)

You were the one to break the silence. “I told you not to steal my stuff, didn’t I?” His expression remained blank until you pointed a finger at the alarmingly bright office appliance. “I want my stapler back.”

Namjoon’s features shifted into an amused smirk, snickering when you began tapping the toe of your shoe with growing impatience. “I didn’t steal it.” He countered. “I borrowed it.”

“Namjoon, you and I both know you never asked permission,” you huffed, arms crossing your chest. “I think you just wanted to piss me off.”

Namjoon visibly scoffed. “Me? Piss you off?” His eye roll set your pulse racing with rage, only heightened by the sarcasm that laced his tone. “It’s not my fault you’re little Miss Uptight is it?” He shook his head, diverting his attention back to the stack of paper in front of him and just like that he dismissed you with a wave of his hand and a click of his tongue. “Just take it and go, I’m busy.”

“Don’t you dare ignore me, Kim Namjoon,” you spat, curled fist slamming down on top of his booth hard enough to make him jump in his seat, satisfaction spreading through your chest at the sight alone. “I’m not upright! You’re just an asshole who decided to make my job a misery! And for what? Because I’m not at your beck and call like Yuna?”

Oops. Maybe that was a bit too far…

“Yuna?!” Namjoon spluttered between surprised gasps of laughter. “What does she have to do with the fact that you’re a priss who never learned to share?”

You tried to ignore the embarrassing heat that had risen in your face, diverting your eyes from his. “If I’m such a priss why don’t you share her stuff instead?”

He raised his eyebrows at your pout. “Why? Are you jealous?”

“No! Of course not, I’m just…” You trailed off. He leaned back into his seat, the same stupid smug smirk turning up the corners of his mouth. As much as you tried to ignore it, it made your stomach flip. Namjoon looked satisfied, as if your stunned silence and attempt to stutter an excuse was exactly what he wanted.

By this point the entire office was staring at the both of you, including Yuna who looked almost as embarrassed as you did as she pretended to be unaware of the entire situation by rummaging through the contents of her bag for the lip balm she “lost” this morning and conveniently “could not seem to find.”

“Look, Namjoon, just give it back okay?” You nodded towards the stapler, impatient to just be behind your desk booth away from the prying eyes of your coworkers and more importantly away from Namjoon’s accusing gaze.

He ran a hand through his side part, gelled strands effortlessly messy. “Fine.” He grabbed the stapler and held it out to you with an innocent smile. You narrowed your eyes and he simply nodded in encouragement. “Here, take it.”

“See was that so hard-” Before your fingers could take the appliance from his grasp, he ripped it away again. With a dark chuckle he kicked his feet up onto the desk, revealing his annoyingly cute doughnut socks that nearly broke your resolve if it weren’t for the vengeful way he stared at you atop the rim of his glasses.

“Say please, Y/N.”

The glint in his eye tipped you over the edge, the elastic of your patience finally snapping when you launched at him without a second thought about repercussions. “Say please?!” All that mattered right now was making Kim Namjoon pay for being the most inconvenient, bothersome and punchable man on the planet.

Before you could think, both your hands were on the stapler and pulling with all the force you could muster. Namjoon seemed shocked at your brave act of force before he responded with a tug of equal strength, determined not to let go. “If you had said please in the first place we wouldn’t be in this situation!”

“So you’re uptight and ill mannered?” He got out between gritted teeth.

“I’m…not…uptight!”

You had begun a tug of war, both unconscious of the fact that twenty pairs of eyes were watching the childish events unfold curiously. Namjoon was red in the face as he tried to rip the stapler from your grasp and you had to lift a shoe onto the seat of his chair to keep your balance.

The move gave you a power advantage and with one last pull, the stapler was yours. Triumph plastered your face in the form of a self-satisfied smile - though not for long. Namjoon was breathing heavily through his nose, knuckles white with irritation. Before he could think better of it, he was sliding the wheels of his chair back, sending you flying into his desk and to both of your dismay, the mug of steaming coffee that sat on top of it.

“Watch out!” Too late.

The crash that followed was loud enough to elicit shocked gasps from those around you. The hushed whispers that filled the room before fell to an eerie silence as you tried to pull yourself to your feet with no luck, collapsing in a pile of splintered wood and printer paper.

“Uhh, Y/N? You’ve got a little coffee on your blouse.”

And that’s how you found yourself on the subway platform, waiting for a train to take you in the opposite direction of home but rather towards the nearest launderette.

You pulled the black blazer you donned tighter around your chest, not because of the evening chill which had set into the air by now but rather to hide the unmistakable brown coffee stain which seeped across the fabric of your blouse.

The launderette was closing in just under an hour and your train was nearly five minutes late already and you couldn’t help but grit your teeth in irritation when you recounted the days events over and over in your head.

This was all his fault. If Namjoon wasn’t such a shameless douche you would be home by now, heels off, feet kicked up while a re-run of The Vampire Diaries soothed the tension ache in your temples.

But no. You were waiting for a train to take you half way across town so you could wash this freaking blouse in time for the weekly company meeting tomorrow. It was an important one - you were going to finally present the pitch you had been working on for nearly four months - so everything had to be perfect.

This job meant everything to you, not that Namjoon would understand that - and you were determined not to let him ruin this for you.

“Damn Kim Namjoon.” you scowled at the ground, kicking an empty can across the scuffed platform floor.

“Either you know another Kim Namjoon or I arrived just in time?”

A familiar voice sounded behind you. Your mouth dropped slightly, icy shock snatching the colour from your face as you registered who it belonged to.

Sure enough, spinning on your heels revealed the one and only Kim Namjoon who you had grown to know and hate. Still in the black shirt which was now rolled up his forearms and loosened at the collar, he stood with his back against a pillar, smiling down at you bemusedly with his hands slung into his pockets like this was the most normal occurrence in the world.

“Fancy seeing you here.”

“What?” You scoffed, shaking your head in disbelief. “Are you haunting me now?”

He actually laughed at that. “Actually, this is my train home. Don’t usually see you here at this time so it seems like you are following me.”

“Following you?!” You couldn’t help the way your voice hitched incredulously, drawing the attention of passerby’s who side stepped around you nervously. “If it wasn’t for your little show today then I’d be on a train travelling as far away from you as possible right now.”

“Why aren’t you?”

“I have to go clean this.” You ripped open the front of your blazer revealing the coffee soaked garment covering your chest.

Namjoon bit his cheek to hold back a chuckle. He knew it would just set you off even more. You were a few feet smaller than him and the way you stared up at him with fiery eyes, not quite intimidating despite your best efforts, almost had him clutching his sides.

“As far away from me as possible huh…”

“What?”

“That’s what you want?”

You turned up your nose, confused. “That’s what I said, isn’t it?”

“It’s funny, really.” He let out an amused snort, not at you directly but rather to himself. The act annoyed you even more.

“What is?”

“Just that you never seem to be far away from me at all.” Namjoon rolled his eyes. “Oh Namjoon stop stealing my shit, oh Namjoon stop using all the printer ink-”

“I’m done with you now.” You turned your back to him, drowning out the tinny voice he used to mock you. He had a fair point…but only because his naturally irritating demeanour drew you into his fuck ups like a magnet.

“Because you think it’s always my fault right? God forbid you are the problem!”

You blinked. You?

“Like when, asshole?” You scoffed. “Name one time I gave you a reason to hate me?”

Namjoon reached into his backpack, pulling out a stack of papers that limply fluttered as a train breezily left the station. The edges were crumpled and the middle stained brown, ink nearly illegible. “You can clean your blouse but how about my manuscript?”

You thought back to earlier that day. It must be the one he was working on before the…accident. And to his credit, it looked like it was in pretty bad shape.

“If you weren’t so hard to ignore then maybe neither of us would be in this mess!”

You could feel the tension rising between you by the minute. If he wasn’t careful you would be responsible for another scuffle and this time you weren’t sure you could resist breaking his nose and a trip to the ER was not what you needed right now.

Namjoon’s face had darkened considerably too. You couldn’t help but find the way he tightened his jaw kind of hot. Stop, Y/N.

“Then let’s make this easier for the both of us.”

“Huh?”

He gestured between you. “When the train comes I will pretend you’re just a pretty girl on her way home and you can pretend I’m just another annoyingly tall guy and we’ll forget this day ever happened.”

“What’s the point of that? We still work together every day?”

He let out a sigh, exasperated by your persistence “Because then we can see who the real problem is? Who starts the next fight?”

"Fine!” The word came out a little more childishly than you had intended. What was his point here? To reinforce the fact that he hated your guts and couldn’t even stand to make small talk on the train for thirty minutes? “And then you’ll see that the whole problem is you.”

Wait….did he call you pretty?

Whatever. You could do this right? He was just trying to get into your head, trying to make you think that you were the issue here.

TRAIN NOW ENTERING PLATFORM. PLEASE MIND THE GAP.

The transport announcement alerted you of the trains arrival a few seconds before the clunky metal could be heard rattling into the station.

You averted his gaze, an uncomfortable atmosphere settling.

“Well, all aboard.” He said, arm outstretched, head nodding towards the open train door as if to say after you.

So now he has manners?

You gave a tight lipped smile in thanks, stepping onto the train. The carriage was completely full, no spare seats in sight, so you settled for holding on to the bar above your head, strategically making sure your back was to Namjoon. You were determined to show him that you couldn’t care less about his existence.

Staying true to his word, Namjoon joined a huddle of people at the opposite end of the carriage, staring sweetly into the distance as if he was utterly unaware of your identity.

You let out a sigh of relief. Maybe this was a good thing.

You attempted to busy yourself by staring out of the window; the trees and the sky whizzed into a turquoise blur like watercolour on canvas. Try as you might, your mind couldn’t help but wander back to the figure you wanted to desperately ignore when you noticed Namjoon’s reflection in the glass.

It was silly but you realised you had never looked at him properly before. In your head he was just a target of your rage, a face featuring often in your imagination’s gruesome revenge master plans. But, now felt like the first time you were really seeing him; the way he bobbed his head to the music that blasted a little too loudly through his headphones and how his dimple showed when he smiled politely at other passengers and how his arms cradled the sodden manuscript like it was fine china. Maybe you were too focused on yourself to see just how important this job was to Namjoon, too.

And although you had noticed his face before - it was hard not to - it was always during rushed glances over the top of your office booth, eyes quickly diverting and cheeks reddening when you were sure he caught you looking or when he would break yet another mug in the office kitchen and you would help him clean up the ceramic, ignoring the way his own cheeks turned pinkish.

But this time, through the safety of the glass which acted as a welcome barrier, you could study him more closely. The cute flush of his nose and the way his eyes were a little puffy from staying up too late reading. Maybe there was more to this guy than just an irritating coworker after all.

The train came to a halt and an entourage of fresh passengers pressed into the already tight carriage. A chorus of sorry’s buzzed in the air as more and more people elbowed their way into the confined space, pushing you down the train and squeezing the air out of your lungs until you were pressed into a corner, back uncomfortably flush to the torso of a taller body.

The familiar cologne told you all you needed to know and you shut your eyes tightly, sucking on your teeth as you cursed the universe for shredding whatever dignity you had managed to retain.

A glance over your shoulder revealed a preoccupied Namjoon, desperately apologising to someone behind him whose coffee he managed to spill with his inconveniently pointy elbow.

“I’m so sorry man! Oops..sorry again I…”

“So much for ignoring each other,” you snorted, denying the fact that it was you who bumped into him. You wouldn’t give in so easily.

He looked genuinely apologetic, swinging his arms wildly but only managing to make the situation worse by very nearly smacking an older lady square in the head. His height had its downsides, clearly.

“Sorry…” he began, ready to launch into another apologetic spiel. “Oh.” Except, he deadpanned when he finally looked down and saw none other than yourself staring straight back up at him.

His eyes narrowed smugly. “Well, well, well.”

You simply laughed, nodding towards the evidence of his clumsiness. “Are you on a secret coffee spilling mission today?”

You expected him to throw something back at you, to start another endless fight about who was at fault. Except Namjoon wasn’t listening. His eyes widened comically when he noticed how your lower back pressed into his torso, glancing left then right and sighing nervously when he realised there was no space to squeeze into. He was trapped between you and the wall with no where to go.

“I-it was an accident…” Namjoon seemed sheepish, scratching at the back of his neck anxiously. Why was he so flustered all of a sudden? You’d never seen him like this, so unlike the cocky bastard you’d come to know as Kim Namjoon.

Unless…bingo! You had won. He was the problem and this was proof enough of his clumsy, idiotic ways!

“You should learn to be more careful-”

You were cut short when the train suddenly jerked wildly, sending you flying forwards. Great, you thought, Y/N 0, Balance 2. Your feet fumbled beneath your own weight, eyes screwed shut, bracing for impact against the cold, metal floor of the train.

Before gravity could take hold of you, a large hand wrapped around your waist, pulling you upright. The gesture allowed you to find your balance again, a sigh of relief tumbling from your chest as you gained your bearings.

“Woah there,” Namjoon’s lips were against your ear now, breath hot against your cheek. “What were you saying about being careful?”

“O-oh…” You willed yourself to open your eyes, to ignore the chills that crept up your spine when his nose brushed your hair just barely. You tried to pry yourself out of his hold. “It was an accident, I-”

“Look who came crawling right back. Knew it wouldn’t take long.” There was the cocky bastard again. The underlying implications of his words made you shiver, as if he wanted you to come back. Wanted to punish you for being wrong.

His body was warm - no it was hot, his palm burning the exposed skin of your waist where your blouse had ridden up in the scuffle. You could feel his heart pulse against your back and it took all your self control to stop your body from melting into his sturdy form, from delighting in his embrace. If he were to just move his hands down, down, down…

No! You were not about to imagine the guy you hated with a passion grabbing your ass on the goddamn train.

The train heaved again, Namjoon’s grip tightening even further and you silently thanked him for it as you felt your entire body turn to putty in his grasp. Your hand had found its way to his thigh, squeezing embarrassingly hard and sending your head spinning when you felt the firm muscles that tensed beneath your touch.

If you didn’t know any better you would say you were having the same effect on Namjoon. His lips had fallen dangerously close to your neck, almost as if he was debating pressing them to the flushed skin.

Don’t be ridiculous, you chastised yourself, you just need to get laid, clearly. He’s enjoying this because you’re letting him win.

No matter how much your pride meant to you, his effect was becoming too much.

Enough was enough. You needed to get out of his arms, out of this train and most of all you needed to get him out of your head. You wriggled a little, desperate to free yourself before you literally jumped his bones. Of course you had thought about this before, thought about how it would feel to be pressed up against Namjoon. Except usually there were less clothes separating you and you were at least on a bed…

STOP! YOU HATE HIM, YOU HATE HIM, YOU-

No matter how hard you squirmed, Namjoon’s arms only tightened, holding you to him as the train rattled down the tracks. Your ass was trapped against his thigh and you tried to ignore the pulse in your heat that had begun to alert you of just how good it would feel between your legs.

Just then you felt Namjoon stiffen as your ass glided over his crotch - and if you weren’t so focused on the way his breath ghosted across your neck when you did, you may have missed the way it hitched slightly, almost as if he was swallowing a groan.

“Y/N,” he whispered harshly, as if to issue a warning. “Stop that.”

“Stop what?” You spoke a little to loudly, nearly averting the attention of fellow passengers when you tried to claw at the vice like grip that squeezed your middle tightly. “Let me go!”

“Hush.”

“No!” You moved your ass again and this time he let out a noise; a groan of either pain or annoyance, you couldn’t tell.

“Seriously! Hush.”

Suddenly, his fingers gripped your hips so roughly you were sure they would bruise. You enjoyed it a little too much, the action making you light headed. It felt far too intimate to be friendly, only confirmed when you felt it. Something firm against the small of your back.

Was he…hard?

“What the fuck Namjoon?” You whispered hurriedly, glancing around to see if anyone else was aware of the erection that was now all you could focus on, blatantly obvious as it pulsed against the top of your ass.

The train came to a sudden halt, doors swinging open to allow a hoard of people to scramble off. Cool air hit your hot face. Maybe you’d be able to breathe again if you weren’t left breathless by the way Namjoon’s heart beat rapidly against your shoulder blades, all too aware of the raging arousal that felt so hard you imagined it would be painful.

Before you could push away and scream at him about how inappropriate this situation was - even though, to your dismay, your thoughts were clouded with visions far from appropriate - Namjoon was spinning your body around, pinning you against the wall with an audible thud, slotting his body between your trembling legs.

Suddenly, all thoughts of proving him wrong once and for all were forgotten.

You hissed. “Seriously what the fuck Namjoon-”

“What you should be saying,” He muttered, pausing to let his tongue snake out to wet his parted lips. “Is thank you Namjoon.”

“What for?” You gasped, trying and failing once again to wriggle out of his grasp.

His eyes were darker than you’d ever seen them, glazed over with what you recognised as want. “Thank you for saving my ass when I nearly fell in front of the entire subway.” You swallowed thickly, desperately trying to close your legs to relieve the hot, wet ache that was beginning to throb between them but to no avail, Namjoon keeping them open with a large palm around your inner thigh. “And thank you for not fucking said ass right here against the train door.”

Your head fell back with a slight gasp, choking on a moan that was utterly inappropriate for such a public setting. The train began to move again and you glanced up and down the carriage warily, surprised to see only two young men remained; one engrossed in a comic, the other resting his eyes and thankfully both too occupied to notice the way Namjoon stared at you with a look of arousal so intimidating you had to break away from his stare.

“N-Namjoon we s-shouldn’t…”

“Shouldn’t what baby?” Maybe it was the sudden use of a pet name or the gentle but firm way his thumb stroked your thigh, so close to the lace of your panties you were sure the slight touch alone nearly made you lose it. “Shouldn’t make you wet on the train?”

“Y-yeah…”

“Well I guess you should have thought of that before you got me hard, huh?” You let out a shaky breath, blouse falling down your shoulder slightly but before you could adjust it, Namjoon took the opportunity to place an open mouthed kiss to your collarbone and then to the side of your neck and then to the lobe of your ear. The way his teeth grazed your skin made you shiver, skin burning hot with want against the icy cold metal of the train. “Should’ve thought of that before you got me all worked up at the office today.”

“T-today?”

“Yeah, today.” He shook his head disapprovingly, tilting your chin with his forefinger as his eyes traveled down to your lips. “And every single other fucking day.”

Is that the reason why he was always so pissed?

“When you walk in in that goddamn white blouse and call me out. In front of everyone?” Perhaps you weren’t so subtle after all… “I swear you do it on purpose. I swear you want to make me mad.”

“N-no, I…” Your voice trailed off.

“Is that why you make such a fuss baby?” He continued to interrogate. “This is why you’re a problem,” He hissed under his breath, pressing your palm around his twitching bulge. “Because you are always giving me problems.”

Your eyes widened, arousal guiding your body to palm him through his trousers against the will of resistance from your head.

“Do you know how many times I’ve wanted to fuck you in front of the entire office? How many times I’ve wanted to put you in your fucking place? God you get me so angry sometimes,” He ran an exasperated hand through his hair. Your breathing was ragged now, almost as broken as his. “How many times I’ve jerked off in the bathroom thinking about how hot you look when you’re mad?”

You’d be lying if Namjoon wasn’t the focus of your own fantasies after a couple of glasses of wine and a “pamper night”.

His lips curved up into a smirk as the words made sense in your head, stifling a dark chuckle when your eyes widened in realisation. "So that’s why you’re always riling me up?” You managed to breathe.

“I literally almost blew my load when you stormed out today.” He closed his eyes, swallowing hard. His lips were inches from yours and it was taking everything in you to resist leaning in and connecting them, focusing on the throb in your heat instead as a distraction. “You seriously don’t know anything, do you?”

The train came to a sudden stop, doors ripping open almost as fast as Namjoon jumped away from your body. His absence left a cold void where he had hovered over you and you shakily stood upright, glancing at the floor to avoid any funny looks from the passengers leaving the train. You watched as four pairs of shoes scuffled off, heart beating a little faster now you were completely alone.

A few moments passed in silence and you didn’t dare look at Namjoon. You were still trying to wrap your head around his admission. Namjoon’s asshole behaviour was a ploy to make you mad? On purpose? Because he wanted you?

The doors slammed shut, train moving again with a clunk and before you could register what was happening, Namjoon was on you again, dragging you towards the row of seats that were now completely empty. You had the entire carriage to yourselves and Namjoon was clearly intent on taking advantage of the fact.

You were straddling him in seconds, his hands sliding down to cup your ass as he held your heat directly above his throbbing bulge. You gasped at the contact, feeling the way your panties clung to your sticky heat while you desperately tried to grind down onto his lap, eager for any form of relief.

Namjoon tutted at this, prompting you to raise your gaze from between your legs to take in the lazy smile that rested upon his face. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for this? To see you all needy above me?”

He was right, you were so needy it felt like you might combust if you didn’t get some friction on your throbbing clit right now, uncaring that you were in public. His throat sounded hoarse, evidence of his own struggle to resist you (if the tent in his pants wasn’t already evidence enough) and the broken sound of his voice alone was enough to have you clenching around nothing.

It was rare that someone managed to get you this riled up this quickly. It was as if the tension that had been building between you finally reached its breaking point and the only logical response was to fuck it out. Hard. Still, if someone had told you an hour ago that you would be close to begging Namjoon of all people to touch you, you would have called them crazy.

Your forehead came down to rest against his shoulder in defeat. His grip was too strong, stopping you from getting what you wanted, and you let out a cry of frustration. “Please…”

“Please what, baby? Use your words.”

“Please…” Your voice was muffled by his black shirt which you tugged at eagerly. “Please fuck me.”

For the first time, Namjoon’s resolve broke and he let out a guttural moan at your words. He didn’t have time to respond before the train jerked again, sending you flying into his chest and to your delight, straight onto his crotch. “Ugh, fuck.” The whine that left your lips made Namjoon’s cock throb painfully against the front of his trousers, his own moan muffled by your hair.

Before you could twist your hips and gain any friction, Namjoon was hoisting you up again, higher this time so he could see the fucked out look on your face. He brushed a few stray hairs behind your ears, watching smugly as you ground against the air with another high pitched whine.

“Look at you. So fucked out and I’ve hardly even touched you.” His hands crept to the hem of your skirt, tugging the garment up so that it sat around your waist, exposing the curve of your ass and the black lacey underwear which nearly made him buck up into your heat. “Want my cock so bad baby?” His hand came down against your ass with an audible slap you were sure would leave a print and you had to bite your hand hard to stop from crying out too loudly. “Mmm, fuck, I wanted to make you wait,” he hummed. “Like I waited to be inside you but…if you want it how about you show daddy how much?”

He nodded for you to get on your knees. You mewled with delight, nearly drooling at the thought of his hot cock sliding in and out of your mouth. The thought of finally pleasuring him.

Your fingers eagerly began to fiddle with the fly of his trousers before one of his big palms stopped your ministrations all together. You looked up at him, confused and frustrated. “Not yet baby. Gotta open wide for daddy first.”

He pressed two fingers to your swollen lips and you sucked them into your hot mouth eagerly, wrapping your tongue around the digits and coating them in a layer of saliva like they were the sweetest popsicle you’d ever tasted. His fingers were salty with sweat but you didn’t care, taking them as far as you could while batting your eyelids at him in a silent beg for something else in your throat.

Namjoon melted into the headrest, completely fucked out as he watched you take his fingers through lidded eyes. He could hardly bare the way his digits disappeared in and out of your mouth, already aching to feel the sensation on his needy cock.

“Fuck, Y/N,” he choked, leaving a loud slap to your ass that flushed at the contact. “I nearly came in my pants.”

You pulled his hand away at the wrist leaving a trail of saliva down your chin. “You could come down my throat if you let me open your p-pants.”

Namjoon squeezed his eyes shut, pulling both your wrists behind your back roughly as the other pushed you down onto your knees until you were eye level with the bulge in his pants. “Don’t say shit you don’t mean,” he nearly stammered. “You’ll regret it.”

“I mean it.” You made quick work of his zipper, palming his hardness through the fabric of his boxers. “Please l-let me suck your cock.” You almost cringed at the words that came out of your mouth, washed in pure disbelief that you were actually on your knees in front of THE Kim Namjoon.

“Then suck.” Disbelief didn’t last for long since his command emptied your mind, losing the ability to think about anything else other than wrapping your lips around him immediately.

Namjoon placed both hands behind his head, resting against the train which vibrated beneath your knees, sending shocks of pleasure through your core when it made light contact.

Without further ado you reached into the open fabric of his pants, hand finally wrapping around something rock hard and blazing hot against your clammy palm, eliciting a hiss from Namjoon at he skin on skin contact. “Finally.” He groaned.

You were unaware of the whimper which left your own lips when Namjoon’s cock finally came into view, heavy against his stomach and raging with desperation to be touched. He was decently long but it was the thickness that made your eyes pop, mouth opening in anticipation and crotch grinding against the ground as you imagined how good it would feel when it finally stretched you out.

Without warning you were running your tongue along the underside of his shaft, enjoying the shaky breath Namjoon let slip when your hand fondled his balls firmly. You gave a few kitten licks to his swollen head, relishing the salty taste of precum that spread across your taste buds.

Your lips wrapped around the tip, sucking gently before sinking further down his length, letting the spit that had begun to fill your mouth cover his cock nicely so he slipped between your lips messily. Namjoon nearly went crazy when you hollowed your cheeks, hands tangling in your hair and making you groan out, desperate for him to take control. To use you.

“Mmmf, fuck yes,” he stammered, barely controlling his hips from bucking into your throat. “Just like that, there’s a good girl.” He pushed your head firmly down his shaft before tugging you off again, the head of his dick barely brushing against your reddened lips. You moaned in approval as he fucked your face, dizzy with the feeling of the ridges of his length on your tongue and his hands in your hair.

Just as you were taking him back into your mouth, the train rocked violently and you found yourself taking more of his cock than you anticipated, the head hitting your throat and making you gag obscenely around his length. Namjoon flew forward, unable to hold back the deep moan that rumbled from his chest when he felt your nose against his public bone. “Fuck baby girl, do that again.”

You obliged, taking him all the way until you gagged.

“So hot, fuck.”

You didn’t know if he was referring to your mouth or the way you dribbled down your own chin, tears pricking your eyes and leaking onto your flushed cheeks as you tried to breathe through your nose when he held you for a few seconds too long at the base of his dick. You pulled off with a pop, gasping for air.

“Sorry,” he panted apologetically. “Got a bit carried away.”

“It’s okay.” You gasped between breaths, wiping your chin with the back of one hand and pumping his slick length with the other, palm sliding lewdly against the sensitive head where your mouth had been. And you meant it - it was okay. You wanted this. Maybe you had just been denying it all along.

“Shit!” Before you could wrap your lips around him again, Namjoon was slapping your hand away, shoving himself back into his pants and pulling you up by your elbow.

“What?” You asked, surprised at his rejection of your mouth. “What is it?”

“Train’s stopping,” He hissed back. “People getting on.”

Sure enough, the doors swung open, allowing a hoard of people to board the train. You pulled your skirt around your ass hurriedly, hoping the disheveled state of your hair and swollen lips wouldn’t give away your arousal to the prying eyes of other passengers.

You kept your eyes on your shoes, waiting for the crowd to seat themselves around yourself and Namjoon before you dared meet his eyes again. He smirked, tugging his tie to hang loose around his neck and the action alone had you rubbing your legs together for relief, glancing around nervously to see if anybody caught your blatant show of arousal.

The train started up again and you reached for the bar above you hurriedly, not wanting to draw any more attention to yourself by losing your footing for a fourth time that day.

Fortunately, Namjoon came to your rescue again, pulling you into his lap with a plop. Your heat grazed his thigh, sopping folds only separated by the thin layer of your sticky panties and you were sure you would draw blood which how hard you bit back the loud moan that almost left your lips.

“Can’t stay on your feet today, huh?” He clicked his tongue, breath hot against your ear as he wrapped his arms around your waist. Your chest swelled when he rested his chin on your shoulder. The embrace felt nice.

“Guess I prefer being on my knees when you’re around.” Namjoon’s breath hitched, jaw tightening against your neck.

“Is that so?” Before you could respond he was slotting his leg between your thighs, tensing the muscles to create some friction against your pulsing clit. The action offered welcome relief, your folds begging to be touched in any way after what felt like hours of denial. “Move.”

You didn’t need to be told twice, grinding slowly onto the thighs you had dreamed about ever since Namjoon walked into the office months ago.

You moved your hips in slow circles, the coarse fabric of Namjoon’s trousers rubbing your heat in just the right way that had you breathing deeply as you tried to stop yourself from losing control and sitting on his cock then and there in front of everyone.

The fact that you were surrounded by people was exhilarating, the idea that someone could look over any second and see you creating a wet patch on Namjoon’s lap making you dizzy with lust.

Namjoon’s fingers grazed your arms gently, working you through the pleasure as he tensed his thigh again and again, pressure on your clit causing broken moans to catch in your throat. At this point you were completely gone, everything around you unimportant as you focused on chasing the feeling building in your lower stomach.

Suddenly, Namjoon grabbed your hips, stilling your ministrations despite the hushed whine of protest you directed at him as discreetly as you could. “Please.” You whispered, tears threatening to prick your eyes as you felt the feeling of your high getting further and further away with every second your core throbbed still against his legs. You were so desperate you would have done anything to reach it, tired and frustrated of being denied any pleasure.

“Hush baby girl,” Namjoon’s thumbs gently caressed your waist. “Take this off, such a good girl for me hmm?” He began tugging at the blazer that covered your shoulders, dragging it down your arms and throwing it over your lap instead.

Embarrassment flushed your cheeks when you looked down at the the coffee stain on your blouse, visible to everyone and anyone now Namjoon removed the thing covering it. “N-namjoon my blouse-”

“Shhh,” he hushed, tucking your hair behind your ear so you could hear his gravelly whispers clearly. “Let me make you feel good.”

“W-what…oh!” Your eyes bulged with surprise when you felt Namjoon’s fingers slip beneath the blazer that hid his wandering hands from prying eyes, toying with the top of your panties teasingly. “Namjoon! W-we can’t-”

His index finger slipped beneath the fabric, finding your clit immediately and rubbing hard, fast circles into the swollen nub. “So wet baby, so good.”

Arousal dripped from his voice and you let your head fall back onto his shoulder, eyes squeezed shut as his fingers worked you up into a squirming mess on top of him. If anyone sees they’ll just think you’re resting your eyes, you managed to convince yourself, all rational thoughts lost to the feeling of Namjoon sliding up and down your folds.

You let out a breathy oh when you felt his finger circle your entrance. “Joon,” you warned. If he filled you with even one finger you were sure you would cum on the spot in front of the whole train.

He smiled against your neck, at your neediness or the nickname you couldn’t tell before he was pushing two fingers into your heat to the knuckle. You were wet enough for them to slide straight in, cold metal of the pretty rings he always donned rubbing your walls deliciously and making you grind down onto his hand. His thumb found your clit and you dug your nails into his thighs, panting obviously now as you tried to hold on to what was left of your sanity.

“I-I can’t,” you gasped, noticing the sideways glances you were getting from the couple sat opposite you. They must have known what was going on. They must have known Namjoon was knuckle deep into your wetness as you clenched around him desperate for release, coil tightening more and more in your belly.

You were so wet that every thrust of his hand made a lewd squelch, an instant give away of Namjoon’s affect on you and you prayed the loud screech of the train’s wheels against the track was enough to hide it from the other passengers.

Namjoon was going faster now, leaving small kisses against the nape of your neck as he tried to hold it together. Until, finally, he couldn’t anymore. “I can’t n-need more.” You felt something in him snap at your keening, his hand leaving you clenching around nothing all of a sudden as he tugged your skirt back around your thighs.

“Wha-” You didn’t have time to finish before Namjoon was jerking you to your feet, shoving the forgotten manuscript from earlier into your hands as he pushed you towards the train bathroom. He kept his crotch pressed tightly against your ass, probably to hide his raging arousal from the people around you although his less than subtle way of maneuvering you both into the same bathroom stall gave it away instantly.

The door slammed behind you a little too loudly, making you wince. “Fuck Namjoon, now everyone knows.” You whined, allowing him to push you until the backs of your legs gave in, your ass falling aginst the sink. The bathroom was cramped, barely enough room for the two of you, so Namjoon went about making the best of the space by hovering over you with the same feverish want he had earlier except this time he couldn’t control the way his hands trembled as he eagerly ripped your coffee stained blouse open.

He let out a gasp when he finally got his hands under neath your bralette, thumbs sliding across your agonisingly hard buds in circles until you were squirming to feel his hands everywhere, anywhere. “God, you’re fucking beautiful.” You couldn’t help the heat that rushed to your face, something funny flipping in your stomach that was more than just arousal. Before you could worry if his heavy palms felt the way your heart beat a little faster at his words, his lips were skimming tantalisingly across the top of your breasts, finally unhooking your bra. Your head fell back in a choked gasp when his teeth grazed your nipples momentarily before he was swirling his tongue across them, soothing the sting that felt deliciously cold despite the hot and musky bathroom air.

You felt his lips begin the journey down, not quite reaching your belly button with his surprisingly gentle ministrations before your hands were tangling in the collar of his shirt and pulling him up to meet your eyes again. Your nipples rubbed against the coarse fabric and you fiddled with the buttons, desperate to feel his sweaty skin against yours. Your hot breath mingled. “Namjoon,” You managed to pant. “Let me see you too.”

His touch still lingered on your chest when he brushed your roaming hands away to replace them with his own, buttons quickly flying open allowing more skin to come into view beneath the dim lights. You couldn’t help but let your hands snake across his toned chest, sighing in delight when he lets you shake the shirt from where it still sat around his shoulders. You were pleasantly surprised to find his tummy soft, a perfect contrast to his muscular upper body.

He raised your gaze with a finger beneath your chin, pausing for a moment to run a questioning glance from your lips to your eyes and back to your lips. “Can I?”

You almost choked on your own spit, practically salivating to feel his lips against your own. “Kiss me?” You murmured. “Please.”

Namjoon took no time to oblige, finally crashing your lips together in a tangle of teeth and tongue. A wave of relief emptied your mind of anything other than the feeling of Namjoon’s body finally melting against your own and you realise you’ve been waiting for this - no needed this -  for longer than you originally thought. Namjoon smiled into the kiss and you felt your heart swell a little, his nose brushing your own gently in contrast to the way his hands greedily grabbed your ass. His lips were slightly chapped as they roughly caressed your own and you sighed contentedly into the kiss, tangling one hand in his hair, the other slipping down to the buckle of his belt.

His tongue finally gained permission, slipping into your mouth as you made work with the button of his trousers. You could barely focus, Namjoon’s lips all you could feel. Trousers now at his ankles, you fumbled to slip your hand beneath the waistband of his grey boxer briefs, eyes widening at the groan which rumbled from Namjoon’s chest into your mouth when your small hand finally wrapped around his pulsing length skin-on-skin.

You almost whimper at how hot and heavy he is in your palm, even harder than before if that was possible, the wetness smeared around his head evidence of just how worked up he was. His mouth stilled against yours, eyes squeezed shut as he tried to resist bucking into your hand. The knowledge that it was you that made him this hard, you that had him breathless against your lips sent another rush to your own heat.

Then he’s kissing you again, softly this time as his hand comes to rest on top of your own. “Wait, wait.” He murmurs between crashes of your lips. “I want to feel you before I come.”

You reluctantly retract your hand, agreeing that you wanted- needed - to feel him and quickly because quite honestly you were close already. Just his lips were enough, just wondering how they would feel around your clit and how good his tongue would be as it licked a stripe up your pulsing folds was almost enough to throw you into sensory overload.

“Can I take these off?” His thumbs hooked beneath the band of your panties. He looked at you with a genuine concern and you thought it was sweet. Namjoon was in control but he asked with a sincerity that said your comfort was important to him and it made something feel right about this, something safe. You gave his nose a kiss in affirmation, nodding gently. “You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Namjoon placed small, affectionate pecks to the corners of your mouth as he rolled the garment down your legs, letting you kick them all the way off as he rubbed gentle circles into your thighs. His eyes were still black with lust but they seemed gentle as he sucked in a breath, taking you in fully for the first time. It was almost easy to forget that this was the same guy who made you suck his cock on a public train fifteen minutes ago.

He connected your lips again in a soft, slow kiss, hand cupping your face as his thumb ran across your bottom lip. “You know, I envisioned it to be more romantic than…this.” He gestured to the dingy bathroom you’d almost forgotten existed, too busy getting lost in Namjoon. “Sorry…” He bit his lip, eyes averting your own bashfully.

Your heart swelled with more than just arousal.

“Namjoon?” He looked up at you again through his lashes. “There will be plenty of time for that. For romance.” A small smile crept onto your face.

“Yeah?” Namjoon’s grin gave away his elation at your statement.

“Yeah,” Your voice was but a breath. “For now though I just need you inside me.”

Namjoon’s arms scooped you up, slamming you against the wall for the second time that day and knocking away your breath as he wrapped your leg around his waist. “That I can do.” He hummed against your neck mischievously.

By now your heat was dripping, wetness making its way down your inner thighs as you braced yourself for the fullness of Namjoon’s cock. He felt girthy in your hand and your hole clenched at the thought of it stretching you open.

The small room was stuffy, barely enough shared air to breathe but that made it all the more intimate. Hands woven into his hair, you felt the way his chest rose and fell against your own as he took his length into his hand, guiding the blunt head to your entrance. He seemed pained as he squeezed the base of his cock, hesitating. “Are you…?”

“We’re good. On the pill.” You got out between laboured breaths of anticipation. “Wait!” You pushed his chest, his face coming into view, laced with worry as he searched your face for any sign of indecision. “What about Yuna?”

His eyes practically bulged before he let out a small chuckle at your concern. “Yuna?”

“Yeah…won’t she be mad?”

“Why would she be?”

“Aren’t you two like…you know?”

Namjoon spluttered. “No! Don’t you think her girlfriendwould be kinda mad if we were?”

Oh. Oh.

“I-”

“Y/N, she was just a way to you know…make you jealous. Truthfully, I was pissed, you wouldn’t even look my way and -”

You cut him off with a peck to his lips. “Okay. It’s okay.”

“It is?”

“Yeah. Now for god’s sake, just fuck me please.”

“With pleasure.”

The head of his cock was back again and you circled your hips, desperate to feel more of it inside of you. Namjoon pressed in slowly, his head falling into the crook of your neck as he finally bottomed out, low moans escaping his lips at the feeling of your tight, velvety walls finally rubbing deliciously against his shaft.

The head of his cock instantly brushed against your sweet spot, sending shivers of pleasure through your heat as you scratched his back wildly. “Please…please ugh! Move!”

Namjoon wasted no time, dragging out nearly all the way before slamming back in to the hilt with a lewd slap. Your folds were so wet each thrust made an embarrassingly loud squelch you were sure could be heard from outside but the way his cock was thick enough to stretch you out just the way you liked it and long enough to hit deeper than his fingers had earlier rendered you uncaring and speechless.

The pleasure was almost unbearable and you could feel your muscles clenching around him, drawing out a strangled moan against your neck. The action was enough to make him lose all control as he lifted your leg, pressing you into the wall with all his weight and slamming into you at a new angle that gave him access to your clit every time he bottomed out, making you scream with pleasure into the palm of his hand.

“Shit, Y/N,” He hissed, watching through lidded eyes as you lost it beneath him. “You’re going to make me cum if you keep making noises like that. Fuck!” Namjoon was getting sloppy now, barely able to keep his pace as he desperately tried to cling on to the edge while each of your whines made his cock feel like it may explode any second.

“Mmm, cum for me,” you moan, completely lost to the feeling of his hot cock sliding lewdly in and out of you. “Wanna feel you fill me up.”

“Holy fuck,” he stuttered, nearly falling out of you as the pleasure overwhelmed him. “You have no idea how long I’ve dreamed of this, being inside you, god.”

So he gets loose lipped when he’s close, huh? Cute.

“Want you to cum with me, fuck.”

His dirty admissions were enough to send you flying over the edge with a cry, his fingers coming between your legs to rub agonising circles into your clit as you rode out your high. Your vision went black, legs trembling and if it weren’t for Namjoon’s strong grip on your thighs you were sure you would nothing but a puddle by now.

“Fuck you got so tight, that’s it. Come for me baby.” A few sloppy strokes later and he was coating your walls with a low groan, connecting your lips in a breathless kiss as you whimper at the feeling of being filled and the overstimulation.

Namjoon presses his sweat slicked forehead against your own as you let your breath mingle, coming down from your highs. As your vision slowly returned, the train jerked, nearly sending you both flying if Namjoon wasn’t there to save you once again.

“Woah there.” He said quietly with a smile. He connected your lips for the nth time and you decided that although it was new you actually - no definitely - liked it. “Be careful.”

You were about to say something playful back before a transport announcement crackled over head.

TRAIN TERMINATING AT NEXT STOP.

You broke away from the kiss with a groan. “Shit shit shit! I’ve missed my stop!”

Breaking away from his grasp you hurriedly try to button up your coffee stained blouse, glancing around to locate your underwear which was out of sight.

“Looking for these?” A piece of fabric hit your chest. Your panties.

His calm demeanour was enough to replace the post orgasmic glow with a familiar feeling of rage towards him.

“Yes I was looking for those - and this is all your fault! If you didn’t take them off in the first place I wouldn’t be in this mess and this stupid fucking blouse would be clean and-”

Namjoon cut you off by pulling you against his chest, peppering your face in playful kisses as you tried to squirm out of his grasp. You gave up eventually, enjoying the warmth of his bare chest and nearly giggling with surprise when he placed a peck to both your cheeks.

“You…are…so…fucking…cute…when…you’re…mad.” Each word was punctuated with a kiss and you hit him away playfully.

His sudden change in behaviour took you by surprise. You had never seen this side of him before. A side that wasn’t a complete and utter dick (or in more recent discoveries, a possessive, rough love maker).

“I recall you saying I was hot when I was mad.”

“Yeah, but you’re also really fucking cute.” You wrapped your arms around his waist, looking up at him with a pout. “See cute.”

You narrowed your eyes at him, earning a chuckle as he began to buckle his own trousers. “You know, the next stop is mine so you could always just come back to my place?”

“Huh?”

A blush crept onto his face as he rushed to explain himself. “No, not like that…unless you wanted to- no! What I meant was, you could come to my place and I could wash your blouse for you.”

You finished tidying up your skirt, watching with amusement as he scratched the back of his neck nervously. “I don’t have enough spare cash for a taxi.”

“I’ll drive you home!” He said quickly. “You know, if you want me to…”

“Okay.” You said with a small smile. “Besides, I think I kind of owe you.” You nod towards the pityful remains of Namjoon’s manuscript which lay sodden in the sink, discarded at some point during your excitement earlier.

“Then this makes us even.”

“Deal.”

“Now, let’s hope the train is empty and if it’s not, get ready to run!”

#bts smut #namjoon smut #bts fanfic #kwordsmiths #btsguild #thebtstown #bts #namjoon fanfiction #bts fanfiction #bts imagine #namjoon imagine #bts scenario #namjoon scenario #!!!!! this was longer than i expected but whew what a ride to write #also!! i have ideas for a sequel POTENTIALLY so lemme know if u liked it heh #my writing #fic: all aboard

[blueboxesandtrafficcones]

First Chance at a Family

Day 2 of 2020′s 31 Days of Ficmas.  Thanks to @doctorroseprompts for the list!

Prompt: ginger/gingerbread

Rating: T

Pairing: 9xRose AU; mini-sequel to Second Chance at Forever

Summary: Rose & John’s journey to parenthood, told in 4 parts.  Warnings for: morning sickness, pregnancy, etc

2020 31 Days of Ficmas masterlist  |  Second Chance at Forever

AO3

---

“Ugh.”  Wiping at her mouth Rose leaned back, closing the toilet lid and reaching for the flush.  Tilting over onto her side, she rested her heated face against the soothingly cold bathroom floor, feeling like death warmed over.  “This is the third morning in a row, and I’m starting to think it’s not the New Year’s hangover,” she mumbled into the tiles.  “I’m not ready to go there.”

Her one comfort was that John was surely already at work, blissfully unaware of the physical and mental turbulence occurring in her stomach.  No need to worry him before she had to.

“If I still don’t feel well tomorrow, I’ll go see a doctor,” she bartered with her stomach, hand hovering over it for a moment before clenching her fist and lowering it to the ground.  That, she felt, would be a tacit acknowledgement of the increasingly-likely scenario, and she wasn’t ready to face that yet.  “And if not, definitely the day after.”

She lay there for a few more minutes, eventually determining it was safe to resume her day.  Moving gingerly, she washed her face and brushed her teeth, pulling her dressing gown tightly around her as she shuffled towards the kitchen-

And froze, shocked to see her husband sitting at the table sipping from a mug and writing on a piece of paper.

“Morning,” he said flatly, not looking up.  “That’s for you.”  His head tilted in the direction of a steaming mug across from him, and she sank into the seat without taking her eyes off him.

Lifting the mug to her lips, she found ginger tea, her stomach clenching at the implication.

“I thought you had office hours this morning,” she broke the silence once she’d drunk half of it. “Why…”

“My wife is sick, I wanted to be here if she needed me.  However, I didn’t want to intrude if she wasn’t ready to tell me what’s going on?”

And just like that, she knew- that her fears were correct, and worse, John had clearly figured it out first.  Shit. In the back of her mind she knew this was a good thing, she should be happy about it, but we’ve only been married a year, it’s too soon!

She let out a sigh. “Technically, I don’t know what’s going on.  I just have… growing suspicions.”  Peeking up at him, she met his eye, his expression softening.

“I see.”  Setting down his pen John removed his glasses, rubbing at his face for a moment before rising, coming around the corner of the table to kneel beside her.  “I realized yesterday, and… it’s more than a suspicion.”

“That’s what I get for marrying a doctor,” she joked weakly, rubbing her thumb along his jawline.  “I wasn’t… keeping it from you, I just… hadn’t faced it yet myself.”

Leaning up, he pressed a kiss to her cheek.  “Okay. I’ve already called us both off, so why don’t we lie down for a cuddle, and not talk about it?”

“Okay,” she agreed, heart filling with love for such a wonderful, understanding partner.  “I’m gonna finish this tea, first, though.”

“Absolutely.”  John stood, resting his hand on her back and offering her a small smile.  “The ginger will help with the nausea.  So will a nap.”

Deciding to bring the mug to the bedroom with her, she let him guide her into bed, curling up in his arms with her head on his chest and his hands on her belly.

-

Seven nausea-filled days later found them sitting in an exam room, Rose aggressively chewing on a piece of ginger candy as she sat on the table looking around.  John was seated on the guest chair, seemingly enthralled with a pamphlet, though his bouncing leg gave evidence to his own anxiety.

“Oi.”

He looked up, blinking. “Yeah?”

“Why ginger?”

“What d’you mean?”

She gestured with the bag of candy in her hand.  “Why does this supposedly help?”  With every minute they had to wait she was growing more nervous, and nothing distracted her the way her husband could when he fell into ‘professor mode’.

John immediately abandoned the pamphlet on the countertop, leaning forward to brace his elbows on his knees.  “Well, first, it’s a traditional remedy dating back thousands of years, mostly in India and Southeast Asia, where it grows naturally.  It’s fairly interesting actually – it helps with a number of ailments, and isn’t limited to the digestive tract.  Current thought is that it’s an anti-inflammatory and anti-oxidant, and can cure sickness from motion and chemotherapy, not just-” he paused to wave at her, but was prevented from continuing by a rap on the door followed by it opening.

“Good morning,” the doctor said brusquely, stepping in.  “Noble?”

“Yes,” they chorused, Rose adding, “I’m Rose, this is John.”

The doctor nodded, consulting the iPad in his hand.  “Great, I’m Doctor MacMartin.  So, I have your test results.”  He sat on the stool, setting down the tablet and looking at her for the first time. “You’re pregnant.”

Despite having spent the last week coming to terms with the idea, the confirmation knocked the breath from Rose’s lungs.  Pregnant. A baby.  She looked to John, who was silent, eyes wide and surprised but pleased, with a silly smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.  In response her own twitched, and suddenly they were beaming at each other, tears pricking at her eyes.

A baby.  A family.

And just like at the end of The Grinch, her heart expanded.

-

“I have literally never hated you more than I do at this moment.”

John, the bastard, had the gall to smirk, not pausing as he tucked her in.  “It’s just for two weeks,” he said cheerfully.  “Then our bundle of joy will be here, and you won’t want to get out of bed.  You should rest while you can.”

She huffed in response, folding her arms across her enormous belly.  At thirty-seven weeks she’d been placed on bed rest as a precaution, and two hours into it, she was already going mad.  John was fussing over her like a mother hen, and she already knew it would be worse when word spread and Donna and Jackie showed up to ‘help’. She was tired, and sore, and she hadn’t seen her feet in months, constant heartburn, and the most galling bit- “Why do you lie?”

“About what?”  Kicking his shoes off he settled himself next to her hip, one hand naturally settling to the bump and stroking, doing little to calm the rolling child within.

“‘Morning sickness’. More like ‘all day sickness’.  And why do you say it’s only during the first trimester?  Why am I still nauseous?  I mean, I know I haven’t actually been sick, but honestly, I don’t mind that so much- at least after I feel better, if only for a few minutes.  But there’s no relief!”

He clucked his tongue sympathetically, hand moving to caress her knee.  “I know it sucks, and you’ve had it rough.  But you’re doing brilliantly, really, and I’m so proud of you. You’re already such a great mum.” Leaning forward, he nabbed a ginger candy from the nightstand and handed it to her.  “Not much longer.”

“And to think, people say this is the easy part,” she muttered petulantly, unwrapping the candy and popping it in her mouth.  “I just wanna meet them.”  They’d decided, after weeks of squabbling, not to find out what they were having- the deciding factor had been when Pete had let slip Jackie’s plans for a gender reveal party, and Rose had put her foot down out of principle.

John was silent for a long minute, waiting out her sighing and grumbling until she settled.  “I know.  Me too.  But for now, can I tempt you with a movie instead?”

“Don’t you have to go to work?”  Even as she said the words she reached for her mobile, pulling up Netflix to broadcast it to the telly he’d set up.

“Nah,” he said easily, moving to sit next to her, close enough they were touching from hip to thigh. “And, I had one in mind.”  Nabbing her mobile, he held it out of her reach, typing one-handed.

Moments later the telly flicked on, Netflix opening on the movie credits, and she gasped.  “Top Hat!  My favorite.”

“I know,” John said smugly, dropping the mobile on the bed in favor of taking her hand.  “I know you and your Mum have Cliff Richards movies, and I want us to have something similar with little Florence.”

“Not happening,” she didn’t glance at him.  “Ginger and Fred- yes.  Florence?  No. We’re not having a grandmother.” The baby kicked then, and she smiled down fondly at her stomach.  “Isn’t that right, little one?  Daddy’s just being silly, you’ll see, Earl.”

Her husband scoffed. “Is that a pun?  We are not name our child Earl Noble, Rose Tyler- talk about setting him up for failure!”

“Shush.  The movie’s starting.”

Grinning, they turned back to the show- neglecting the dancing on screen to focus instead on the movement of her belly, the child within dancing to the music far more interesting.

Two more weeks!

-

Fighting back a yawn, John made his way down the corridor to the waiting room, stopping just out of sight to take in the room.  Everyone they loved most was gathered there, scattered around in small groups.  At first glance the only person missing was his godson August, the baby likely with Martha’s parents; even Tony was there, though the six-year-old was asleep against his father.

It warmed his heart to see them all together, waiting, already loving the little life they didn’t know had arrived, and was currently be weighed and cleaned up.  Slipping his mobile from his pocket he took a picture of the group, wanting to capture this moment, show his child how loved they were from their first breath.

Taking the few steps needed to enter the room, he bit back a smile when no one looked up or registered his presence.  “You all waiting on someone?”

In seconds he had everyone’s full attention, eager eyes waiting with bated breath, and he knew he was failing to contain his joy as they gathered close, instantly dropping their newspapers and books and mobiles to focus on him.

“Well?!”  It was Tony who broke the silence, eyes still full of sleep, and John crouched down in front of him.

“C’mere, mate.”

The boy stepped closer, watching impatiently, little brow furrowing.  “Is my Rosie okay?”

“She is.”  John took a deep breath, nearly overwhelmed with the moment, and the weight of the words he was about to say.  “So’s your niece.”

The room was silent enough to hear a pin drop for one heart stopping moment; and then Jackie screamed “It’s a girl!” and everything devolved into chaos, as he was pulled in every direction for hugs, kisses, and congratulations.

“Wait!” Donna commanded, loud enough to be heard over the chatter, drawing everyone’s attention. “More information.  Is Rose okay?  What’s the baby’s name?  When can we see them?”

“Right.”  Still hugging Martha, somewhat leaning on her for support, he organized his thoughts.  “Rose is fine- a champ, of course, though she’s exhausted.  Baby’s good, big and healthy.  And you can see them in an hour or so.”

Martha poked him viciously in the side.  “And her name?”

His smile grew, thinking of his little girl – for so long she’d felt like an abstract concept, despite watching Rose’s belly grow and actively planning for her arrival.  But now she was here, and beautiful, and his heart was fully.  “Genevieve Amelia.  Jenny.”

This brought on more gushing, and far too many questions for his tired brain to track, much less comprehend or answer, until once again, his sister’s voice broke through.

“Who’s she look like?”

“Rose.”  He grinned; every baby he’d ever seen had just looked like a squirming blob, especially at only minutes old, but not his little girl- no, his daughter already looked so much like her mother it was uncanny. “But she’s got your hair.”

“Yes!” Donna crowed, clutching onto Lee’s arms.  “Another ginger!  We need more of them in this family, I always said that.  Does this mean I get first dibs on meeting her?”

This sparked a new, lively debate between Donna, Sylvia, and Jackie, John just shaking his head with a grin. Catching his grandfather’s eye he tilted his head slightly, before grabbing his brother-in-law’s hand and slipping away with a wink to Pete.

Everyone would have a chance to meet the baby, but they’d decided the oldest and youngest would have first dibs.

Overwhelmed by the urge to see Rose and Jenny, he quickened his step.

His family needed him.

#bbatcfic #doctorroseprompts #31 Days of Ficmas #31 Days of Ficmas 2020 #ficandchips #Doctor Who #9xRose #9th Doctor #Rose Tyler #AU #First Chance at a Family #Second Chance at Forever #pregnancy #morning sickness

[alpineramble]

A complete Annapurna Base Camp Trek

One of the best ways to explore and come across the spectacular beauty of the Himalayas is the Annapurna Base Camp Trek. Hundreds and thousands of travel enthusiasts venture on this amazing adventurous journey every year, with one motto to dwell in the charm of the glistening snowy Himalayan mountains. No doubt Annapurna Base Camp Trekking falls under the most admired trails in the Himalayas.

Annapurna Base Camp Trek leads to the lap of the world's tenth highest mountain, Mt. Annapurna (8,091 m). The journey lets you witness some of the most stunning massifs, fine mountain villages, dense forests, breath-taking sceneries, and the kind locals.

Along with all this pleasure and adventure comes lots of prior preparations. To make the trek successful, there are lots of things that are required to be properly planned and executed. And, this should be done by both sides, the travel agency and the guest.

In this blog, we are going to share detailed information about the Annapurna Base Camp Trek route, and all the things that you should know before joining the trip.

Annapurna Base Camp Trek Route

As per your time availability, you can choose one of our Annapurna Base Camp Trek itinerary or custom design your own. We offer a range of Annapurna Base Camp Trekking packages from short 3 days Annapurna Base Camp Trek to 15 day Annapurna Base Camp Trek. Usually, Annapurna Base Camp Trek begins from a scenic flight/drive from Kathmandu to Pokhara. From here, a short drive takes you to the starting point of the trek, Nayapul.

The trail from Nayapul gradually ascends through Tikhedhunga and leads you to the beautiful Ghorepani village. The next morning, you hike to Poon Hill to witness a glorious sunrise and wonderful views of the western Himalayan mountains. Further, the trail passes by lush rhododendron forests and fine villages like Ghandruk, Tadapani, Chhomrong, and Himalaya. Before reaching the Annapurna Base Camp, you pass by Machhapuchhre Base Camp. After exploring ABC, you descend through Bamboo and stop at Jhinu Danda to enjoy a natural hot spring. The trail then takes back to Nayapul, which marks the end of Annapurna Base Camp Trekking.

Annapurna Base Camp Trek difficulty & Altitude sickness

Annapurna Base Camp Trek route follows a moderate trail. If you are an experienced trekker, then this trek will be a piece of cake for you. However, if you are a beginner trekker, the trail can get a little difficult for you because of long walking, many ascend & descends, and trodden paths. Regardless of the difficulty, anyone can do Annapurna Base Camp Trek if he/she is healthy and physically fit.

Annapurna Base Camp Trekking is a high altitude trek, which automatically involves the risk of altitude sickness, also known as acute mountain sickness. This trek takes you above 4,000 meters in a matter of a few days. Altitude sickness can get really scary and troublesome if not handled properly on time.

To lower the chances of AMS, we take all the measures during the trek. Our Annapurna Base Camp Trek itinerary is crafted including ample rest days along with a constant increase in elevation. Moreover, our professional guides make sure you are not having any discomfort on the trail, and check-upon you every day.

Annapurna Base Camp Trek Map

Best season to go on Annapurna Base Camp Trek

As a matter of fact, you can go to Annapurna Base Camp Trek throughout the year. It completely depends on your preference and circumstances. With that being said, you have to know all the pros and cons of traveling in each of the seasons so that you can choose what is best for you.

Spring (March to May)

Spring is one of the best times to go on Annapurna Base Camp Trek because of low precipitation and mild-temperature. The days are usually bright and sunny, which makes the views clear. In the early days of the spring, you will experience coldness in the air that later changes into warmer days. Due to high elevation, there can be chances of snowfall in March, but other months will be fine. Likewise, the trail welcomes numerous vegetation and flora at this time of the year.

Summer (June to Mid- September)

The temperature ranges between 20 to 25 degrees Celsius on average in summer. The lower altitude is comparatively warmer than the high altitude. Still, you can walk and enjoy the trek. Similarly, the monsoon hits slowly in these months with chances of heavy rainfall. We recommend you, start the day early and reach your destination on time so that you do not get stuck in rain.

The weather gets very unpredictable, and it cannot be said when rainfall will occur. The trail can get slippery with bugs and unclear views, however, the rain-washed view is one of the best views one can admire. As it is off-season, the trail is less crowded as well.

Autumn ( October to November)

Autumn is the most preferred time to go on Annapurna Base Camp Trek. It is the peak season, and you can see many fellow trekkers from all around the world. There can be 6 mm of precipitation in October, however, November is mostly clear and bright with a hint of chillness in the air. The temperature ranges anywhere from 17 degrees celsius to 11 degrees celsius. Likewise, the views are fantastic and alluring. Other than the pleasant weather, festivals make this season more attractive to join the trek. Nepalis celebrate the range of their most important festivals in the autumn.

Winter (December to February)

Winter is the coldest time of the year in the Himalayas. The temperature can fall below -19 degrees Celsius at the base camp. There can be unpredicted chances of heavy snowfall, strong wind, and avalanches. Winter is considered off-season. Photographers are the ones who usually approach this time of the year to trek to Annapurna Base Camp. The views can be either unclear or breath-taking, depending on the weather. You need to precisely prepare for the trek if you are planning to join in winter. Also, know that most of the teahouses get closed on the higher elevation due to cold.

Food & Accommodations on Annapurna Base Camp Trek

Annapurna Base Camp Trekking trail offers a wide range of cuisines to dig in from typical Nepali dishes to Indian, Tibetan, and Continental. During the trek, we offer three meals a day- breakfast, lunch & dinner. All the meals will be served as per the menu of the guesthouse/teahouse. However, we want you to know that the taste of the dishes may not be the same as the city one because of species.

For breakfast, you can find oatmeal, toast (with jam, honey, peanut butter), Tibetan bread, corn flakes, porridge, pancakes, eggs, hashed brown, muesli, etc. Likewise, lunch and dinner usually consist of thukpa, dal bhat, momo, pasta, soups, steaks, burgers, pizza, veggies, curries, chapati (Indian/Tibetan bread), etc. Similarly, a wide range of drinks like tea, coffee, juice, hot chocolates, milk, etc is also available.

Travel Insurance

Travel insurance is a must to have to join Annapurna Base Camp Trekking. ABC Trek takes you to a very remote part of the Himalayas, where the basic infrastructure is underdeveloped. Likewise, the weather is unpredictable. No one knows what holds in the next moment in the Himalayas. Therefore, it is strongly recommended to have well-covered travel insurance before joining the trek.

Things like air evacuations, medical bills, and hospital bills are mandatory to have in the insurance. We also recommend adding loss or theft of personal properties and flight cancellation in your travel insurance. The Nepal government does not allow foreigners to take out travel insurance in Nepal, therefore you are requested to get one in your home country, and carry all the documents with you during the journey.

Packing list for Annapurna Base Camp Trek

A few pairs of Thermal tops

Fleece jacket/pullover

Windcheater - waterproof shell jacket one pair

Down jacket

Comfortable Fleece/wool trousers

Trekking pants- at least 2 pairs

Mittens/woolen gloves

Warm Hiking socks

Trekking sue with spare laces

Pair of flip flop

Breathable underwears

Hiking Cotton trousers/t-shirts

Sun hat/scarf

Sunglasses

Sleeping bag

Trekking poles

Day bag above 40 L

1 set- Headlamp

Small lock for the day backpack

Reusable water bottles- 2 letters

Water purification tablets

Wash towel

Toiletries (wet tissue, quick-drying towel,  nail clipper, small mirror, toothpaste & brush, toilet paper, moisturizers, lip balms, sunscreens, sanitary pads, hand sanitizer, etc)

Rain poncho

Basic personal first aid kit

Miscellaneous (journal, pen, extra batteries, small torch, book/kindle, snacks/bars)

#Nepal #Alpine Ramble Treks #trekking #hiking #Annapurna region #Adventure #outdoor

[lokilickedme]

Part 3 of Read By Loki Laufeyson - Fifty Shades of Grey

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own (no longer available there) 

Rating:  Mature

Archive Warning:  No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:  F/M

Fandom:  Loki - Fandom, Loki (Marvel) - Fandom, The Avengers (MarvelMovies), Tom Hiddleston - Fandom

Relationship:  Loki/His Book, Ana/Christian

Character:  Loki, Loki Laufeyson, Loki (Marvel), Ana Steele, Christian Grey

Additional Tags:  Explicit Language, this book deserves its own warning tag, one that says DON'T READ ME, Explicit Sexual Content, lame and exceedingly silly descriptions of sex acts

Series:  Part 3 of Read by Loki Laufeyson

Stats:  Originally Published 2016-02-27   Words: 3386 (original version)

Part One:  The Night Manager

Part Two:  High Rise

   50 Shades of Grey, Read By Loki Laufeyson by lokilickedme 

Summary:  Loki reads 50 Shades and throws up multiple times. I would offer my apologies to E.L. James, but she doesn't deserve it. 

Notes:  See the end of the work for notes  

  This shitshow gets on the shaky road with a dedication that made the right side of my face twitch before the story even got started.  It's dedicated to "the master of my universe" and as of right this very moment I'm ready to preemptively toss it into the bathroom, not as reading material for my next luxury soak, but as a replacement for the empty roll of toilet paper that I keep forgetting to run to the store for.  Fuck me people, she didn't even capitalize "master" and ANY GOOD SUB KNOWS THAT NOT CAPITALIZING MASTER IS A MASSIVE SHOW OF DISRESPECT AND YOU DESERVE THE ASS BEATING YOU GET FOR IT - WITH ZERO AFTERCARE.  Don't ask me how I know that, but go ahead and fight me, this is a hill I’m willing to die on.  If this person is writing a book that's touted as an even remotely accurate accounting of a Dom/sub relationship, I can tell you right now, she doesn't know jack shit. 

So I've read a couple of pages and I'm already looking around for my seizure meds when I realize I don't take seizure meds.  I will after this, I might as well go ahead and call it in.  I'm to the part about Wanda the Volkswagon when my anticipatory boner not only goes away, but retracts so far up into my scrotum as a result of the most horrendous writing I've seen this side of Thor's second grade book report on Anne of Green Gables that I'm thinking I might just be female now.  I mean seriously?  This hurts.  I’m not even exaggerating, if you have a penis it’s going to draw up into your gall bladder.  If you have a vulva it’s going to need a vat of Burt’s Bees Extra Moisture Replenishing Salve and a bottle of cranberry capsules.  I’m not even female at the moment and this thing gave me a flaming UTI.

 I’m not sure Wanda, my old VW Beetle, would make the journey in time.  Oh, the Merc is a fun drive, and the miles slip away as I floor the pedal to the metal. 

People, this is a published book.  Someone got paid for this.  It got made into a movie.  I haven't even gotten to the sex yet and I'm already Google mapping monasteries within a one-hundred mile radius because I'm ready to take my vows.  No, this book hasn't made me believe in a higher power.  It has taken away my will to ever get laid again.

 The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor. 

Holy fucking shitballs people, terminal velocity by its very definition means someone is going to die.  Is this person wearing a pressurized speed suit?  Do they hand them to you at the door before you go into the elevator?  How does the building tolerate the mechanics of generating that kind of speed?  And if by some random blessing by some random god who won't be getting any thanks from me she actually survived this trip to the twentieth floor, her brains would be leaking out her asshole.  That's not the way to make a good first impression, sweetheart.  Take the fucking stairs next time.

 It’s a stunning vista, and I’m momentarily paralyzed by the view.  Wow. 

Yes, wow.  Paralysis is rarely ever momentary darling, and it does ugly things to pretty girls.  Like, rendering you a jelly-like heap on the floor because your muscles don't continue working while you're paralyzed.  Paralysis sort of means your muscles have stopped working. 

I've begun highlighting every word I come across that the author obviously doesn't know the definition to.  Fake it till you make it, right darling?  Five pages in and my yellow pen has died a violent death.

 I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head first into the office. Double crap – me and my two left feet! 

YOU. 

HAVE. 

GOT. 

TO. 

BE. 

FUCKING. 

KIDDING. 

ME.

In what universe is this ridiculous cutesy sort of shit thought to be amusing?  The cliches are giving me hemorrhoids.  Me and my two left feet?  Not that I'm an expert on Earth terminology and phrasing, but I'm fairly certain people stopped saying shit like that around 1962.  And...I can't believe I'm being forced to say this, but - double crap??  I was already calling my brother a bilgesnipe’s vagina by the time I could crawl, I'm pretty sure the last time I said something as immature and amateurishly silly as double crap I was still in the womb and cursing in Morse Code.  I may actually have even still been a sperm in my father's left testicle.  How old is this writer?

 “Um. Actually–” I mutter.  If this guy is over thirty then I’m a monkey’s uncle.  In a daze, I place my hand in his and we shake.  As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me.  I withdraw my hand hastily, embarrassed.  Must be static.  I blink rapidly, my eyelids matching my heart rate. 

I'm sorry but I really don't even know where to start.  The Um. Actually- ?  Or the I'm a monkey's uncle?  Maybe it's the staccato pacing?  The elementary school sentence structure?  The fact that all but one sentence of that paragraph has the word I in it, sometimes multiple times?  She placed her hand in his and they shook - sort of like I'm shaking right now.  It's the seizures this damn travesty has provoked, honestly I should sue the author for my prescription costs.  And if that girl's eyelids matched her heart rate then I'm just envisioning one of those blinky-eyed cupie dolls strapped to a paint mixing machine.

 “I own my company.  I don’t have to answer to a board.”  He raises an eyebrow at me.  I flush. 

Yes darling, always do a courtesy flush when the stench is really vomit-inducing.  Like now.  I'm not even going to ask if this conversation is taking place in a bathroom because I can tell you honestly, the bathroom is right where it belongs.

 His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel...or something. 

Something...like, maybe shit, perhaps?

 I shake my head to gather my wits. My heart is pounding a frantic tattoo - 

No darling, trust me, it's not.  A tattoo is something you draw on your body, there's no pounding involved unless you've done the drawing on your vagina.  And if you’re referring to the drum beat, then you should just say so because frankly this is meant to be a sex book and your readers aren’t going to be interested in Googling your sophomoric attempts at using interesting words.  And just as an aside, most humans are going to think of a Scottish marching band when you use that word in that context, and the last thing you want your readers thinking about while you’re sliding into a smut scene is men in plaid skirts blowing bagpipes.

 I am utterly thrown by the sight of him standing before me.  My memories of him did not do him justice.  He’s not merely good-looking – he’s the epitome of male beauty, breathtaking - 

Hold on a second, I wasn't aware I was in this book?  I must have been drunk.  I'm not sure that I would consent to this idiocy even if I was soused off my gourd, so I think I'm going to be filing a second lawsuit for character theft.

 - and he’s here.  Here in Clayton’s Hardware Store.  Go figure. 

Yes, go figure sweetiepie.  Everybody, even handsome people, need replacement U-joints for their toilets.  They come in handy when you're trying to flush books.

 Finally my cognitive functions are restored and reconnected with the rest of my body. 

Honey, cognitive functions aren't a part of your body, they're a part of your brain.  So unless your head fell off while you were walking around in Clayton's Hardware Store, I doubt this happened.  If it did, my condolences to Mr Clayton and the other shoppers, I know how traumatic that can be.

 And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – 

You mean the whole thing?

 - probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: He’s here to see you. 

I just had another seizure.  It’s a sex book darling, stop trying to use seventy-five cent Merriam Webster words and settle for something along the lines of My fucking head exploded - trust me, at this point your readers will relate to that far more than to the concept of subconscious thought.  Or any thought at all.  And we all know it’s highly unlikely Miss Double Crap Wanda-driving headless-in-Clayton’s-Hardware store is capable of coming up with a term like medulla oblongata after that terminal velocity elevator ride.

 No way! I dismiss it immediately.  Why would this beautiful, powerful, urbane man want to see me?  The idea is preposterous, and I kick it out of my head.

 And now your head is completely empty, much like the author's, because that poorly constructed series of sentences was all that was rattling around in there. 

For the sake of moving this along, because I have something to say about literally every fucking sentence in this roll of rough-ass toilet paper, I'm going to skip to the first round of sex and see if anything improves.  Because that's what people do when things aren't going well, isn't it?  They have sex and see if it gets better?  And then if it doesn't, you kick them out and finish up with a fresh pack of batteries and a few minutes of Skinamax and when you wake up in the morning it'll be a whole new day, sunshine.  Because honestly, I just got to the part where her cheeks went the color of the Communist Manifesto and if I don't get to some penis and vagina action I'm going to kill myself.  Besides that, all this double crap inner monologue is starting to make my ballsack clench up. 

So alright people, I've got my lube and my right hand ready, let's get this party started shall we?

  "Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?”  Holy shit.  Did I just say that? 

Well it certainly wasn't me.  Having medulla oblongata issues again, are we sweetheart?

 His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly.  “No, Anastasia it doesn’t.  Firstly, I don’t make love.  I fuck... hard." 

Finally, someone steps up.  Is that the sound of zippers headed south I hear?

 "Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for.  You could still run for the hills.  Come, I want to show you my playroom.” 

Nope, my mistake.  Zippers firmly holding north.  How far is this fellow going to count?  Do people actually do that cheesy little “Firstly, secondly” speech tic all the way up to thirdly?  I usually only get to secondly before someone pops me in the mouth.  Somehow I have no trouble envisioning this obviously anal retentive Christian fellow proceeding right along to fourthly, fifthly, sixthly, seventhly...perhaps he has a numbers fetish to go along with that paperwork obsession of his.  If this is foreplay I'm leaving because math was never my strong point and I’ll be damned if I’m going to relive the hell of ninth grade just to get a two page smut scene.  If you want to have sex with me we get to firstly, I point to my zipper, and the game is on.  But he does get points for being forthright enough to come right out up front with the admission that he's such a rough fucker there have to be contracts involved.  Kudos my man.  Too bad he wrecked it by planting that playroom visual immediately after, because now all I can think about is a toybox full of Legos and a plastic xylophone.  Even I can't make anything kinky out of that.

 My mouth drops open.  Fuck hard!  Holy shit, that sounds so... hot.  But why are we looking at a playroom?  I am mystified.  “You want to play on your Xbox?” 

Yes darling, Fuck hard!  It sounds like a Bruce Willis movie, only this time he's not in an office building crawling through the ceiling or on an airplane fighting off terrorists, he's tied to a bed while Bonnie Bedelia drips hot wax on his scrotes.  It's a real shame we lost Alan Rickman, I'd give anything to see Hans Gruber standing at the foot of the bed in a leather corset intoning Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker just one more time.

As for playing on his Xbox, the Sims have a "whoo hoo" function.  That's all I'm going to say about that.

 - it feels like I’ve time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition.  Holy fuck. 

Ah yes, the good old days of the Inquisition.  I had quite a wonderful time during that era, it was a sado-masochistic wet dream.  And no, I wasn't an Inquisitor...I worked as a volunteer equipment tester for the Vatican.  There wasn't a steel spiked ball cage or 360-degree nipple twister that earned my seal of approval until I screamed for my mommy.  Something tells me this pansy-ass little ninny isn't going to make it past the electroshock vulva clamps before she's crying for every matriarchal figure in her family all the way back to the Charlemagne era.

 “It’s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you’ll let me exert my will over you.  I will gain a great deal of pleasure, joy even, in your submission.  The more you submit, the greater my joy – it’s a very simple equation.”  “Okay, and what do I get out of this?”  He shrugs and looks almost apologetic.  “Me,” he says simply. 

Um...no. Just no.  Unequivocally NO.  That isn't how it works, E.L. James.  Not in the slightest.  In a true Dom/sub relationship the submissive receives every bit as much as the Dominant, and there is no two ways around that.  Anything less is bullshit and whoever you're trying to force-feed this lie to should leave running and punch you in the crotch on the way out.  I sincerely hope anyone reading this nonsense is doing so on a dare and not because they want to learn about D/s dynamics, because you're obviously not going to learn anything from this book except how to be a lip-biting ningnong who doesn't do much more than chat merrily with herself inside her medulla oblongata while mentally spouting double crap! on repeat every thirty-seven seconds.  And any respect I had for this Grey fellow for being up front about his sexual preferences just went out the window, which coincidentally is where the lip-biting ningnong should be headed.  Like he said - you could still run for the hills. 

Skipping ahead...skipping ahead...my god are these idiots ever going to do it?  I'm on page 194 and so far the closest they've come to coitus is when he almost ejaculated in his pants in an apoplectic rage when she told him she was a virgin.

 “Ah,” I groan. 

Ack, I puke.

 “You smell so good,” he murmurs and closes his eyes, a look of pure pleasure on his face, and I practically convulse.  He reaches up and tugs the duvet off the bed, then pushes me gently so I fall on to the mattress. 

I'm practically convulsing too darling, but unfortunately not with pleasure.  I need more anti-seizure meds, I've already gone through the entire bottle.  I'll be starting on the Xanax next and then it’s another call to my HMO.

 I’m panting... wanting. 

I'm vomiting...heaving.

 Not taking his eyes off mine, again he runs his tongue along my instep and then his teeth.  Shit.  I groan... how can I feel this, there? 

Hold up a second - this is a man who is so persnickety he pulls the duvet off the bed before he lets her set her ass on it, but now less than a page later he's just removed her sneaker and is licking the bottom of her sweaty all-day Converse encased foot?  My capacity for suspension of disbelief is not only wavering at this point, it’s pretty much died a slow and painful death.  Which is what I feel like I’m doing.  And if a man is holding eye contact while licking the bottom of your foot, he’s either upside down or your leg is so high up in the air he could be looking up your hooch and seeing himself through your left nostril.

“How do you make yourself come?  I want to see.”  I shake my head.  “I don’t,” I mumble.

I call bullshit.  She’s twenty-one, a virgin, and has never diddled herself?  That’s about as likely as me never having had intercourse with a horse.

“Let go, baby,” he murmurs.  His teeth close around my nipple, and his thumb and finger pull hard, and I fall apart in his hands, my body convulsing and shattering into a thousand pieces.

Huh.  And here all this time I’ve been laboring under the delusion that more was required than just two short paragraphs worth of nipple play.  This girl is a physical wonder, her nipples are clitorises.  Clitori?  Clitterati?  However you say multiple clits.  I know playing with them feels nice and I’ve made more than one maiden squirm with a few well placed sucks and a pinch or two, but this girl was climaxing before he even got her out of her brassiere.  Someone get her a job at the Kinsey Institute.

Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor.

I hope they didn’t land on the duvet, he went to such trouble to keep it from getting mussed.

Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free.  Holy cow...

Rather like a jack-in-the-box, I’m envisioning.  Holy cow indeed.  Twist the handle and Pop Goes The Weasel plays while you wait in panicked anticipation for that horrid little clown to burst out of the hinged metal box and scare the shit out of you.  Well, he did say playroom, didn’t he.  Oh, and boxers and briefs are two entirely different things, my dear.  The further we get into this silly little tale the more convincing my sneaking suspicion that the author has never actually met a man before.

“I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex.

I’m sorry, I know I’m an adult and all but I’m giggling like a sixth grade girl that wandered into the wrong locker room at school.  And for the record, I know exactly what that sounds like because I’ve done it.  But this...this is just...holy fucking hell with twice the fire and ten times the brimstone, that sentence up there just chemically castrated me.  The head of his erection at the entrance of her sex.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume it means he put his cock on her pussy and we’ll call it fair and move along.

“Hard, he whispers, and he slams into me.  “Aargh!” I cry -

To quote Miss Steele, holy fuck!  His dick is so big it’s turned her into a pirate!

He speeds up.  I moan, and he pounds on, picking up speed, merciless, a relentless rhythm, and I keep up, meeting his thrusts.

Is anyone else envisioning these two jogging through the park playing bongos?  Just me?  Okay.  Oh and for future reference, because I assume this world isn’t lucky enough to escape at least three sequels to this travesty, no sentence should have as many commas as it has words unless the person speaking it is being punched in the mouth between each syllable.

Two orgasms...coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.

Darling if the spin cycle on my washing machine made anything come apart at the seams I’d be at Home Depot demanding they make good on the warranty.  Which, something tells me, you should be doing with this new man of yours.

He increases the rhythm infinitesimally, and his breathing becomes more erratic.  My insides start quickening, and Christian picks up the rhythm.

I looked up infinitesimally, mainly because I’ve never actually seen it in print before and it’s such a strange looking word.  I laughed so hard my Xanax came out my nose when Google offered up this definition:  immeasurably small, exceedingly little, less than an assignable quantity.  To give it a meaning, it must usually be compared to another infinitesimal object in the same context.  Mr Grey, I do believe your tight coochied little virgin just called your dick tiny.

“You. Are. Mine.  Come for me, baby,” he growls.  His words are my undoing, tipping me over the precipice.  My body convulses around him, the precipice.  My body convulses around him, and I come, loudly calling out a garbled version of his name into the mattress.

Well damn, I have to say I’m impressed, both with the uncanny power this fellow’s voice has to make orgasms happen from out of thin air, as well as this girl’s ability to climax on demand after never having done so in her entire life previous to this encounter.  That’s three times now she’s “shattered into a million pieces” all over the fucking bed - thank god he had the presence of mind to toss the duvet on the floor, because those stains would never come out.  He’d probably be getting a visit from the local police as soon as Mrs Fratelli at the dry cleaners got a good look at it.  And I don’t know about anyone else but I really want to hear this “garbled version” of his name that she called out into the mattress.�� No, really.  I want to hear it because I’m imagining something like what went down in the Caves of Caerbannog when the Knights were debating the pronunciation of the last word written on the wall.  Does that make Ana’s orgasms the sexual equivalent of the Black Beast of Argh?

I’ll wait for you to hit Google on that one.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  I’ve got all the time in the world.  I still have six hours of studio time booked and this travesty of a novel is now residing in stall #2 in the mens room and I’m sitting here playing with the roll of toilet paper I stole.  It was a worthwhile trade.  The word Charmin printed four million times on these little squares in infinitely more intellectually stimulating than that undigested goat’s dinner we were reading.

Fifty shades of TP’ing E.L. James’s house, anyone?

End Notes:  All passages in italics are the property of E.L. James, and as far as I’m concerned she can keep them.

#Loki Reads #50 Shades of Grey

[wheezyeds]

Burn it to the Ground

Finally! Here is my gift for @hanscom as part of the fic exchange! Thank you for being a sweetheart and giving me some more time to work on this. I hope it was worth the wait. Also, thank you to @jannuaryembers for being a fantastic beta and working on this with me!

Warning for moderate violence, closeted sexuality, acts of arson and a controlling relationship. No gore, but a permanent injury resulting in disability in the end.

(Prompt #1 - an AU based off of your favourite movie. My favourite movie is IT so it wouldn’t exactly work, but another film that I like definitely would so here we go)

Eddie couldn’t take it anymore. He had been living a lie for so long that even he himself was beginning to forget who he really was. See, Eddie Kaspbrak was married to a woman, Myra, who was exactly like his mother in personality and in size. Myra Kaspbrak was huge, though she’d only been big when Eddie had married her. He always figured she would achieve hugeness eventually. She worried about him, took care of him and made sure that the medicine cabinet was always stocked with everything that he needed; Anacin, Excedrin, Excedrin PM, Contac, Gelusil, Tylenol, a large jar of Vicks. Vivarian, Serutan, Milk of Magnesia - the chalk flavoured one - Rolaids, Tums, Di-Gel, all of the vitamins a person could think of and then some more, calcium, cod liver oil, One-A-Day multivitamins too. She even makes sure to keep a bottle of Geritol on the top of the cabinet itself just for good measure.

Eddie was tired of it all - the sterile smell that made his own home smell like a hospital despite looking as though an eighty-something couple lived there. He was tired of the old Barry Manilow records that seemed to be the only thing they listened to, and the old TV set that Myra refused to let him upgrade. Actually, he wasn’t tired. He was exhausted, and he needed to get out. Thankfully, during the night Myra slept like the dead and snored loud enough to wake them, too. Eddie managed to slip out of their shared bed silently without being noticed, and he packed his black leather bag that he usually saved for business trips. He filled it with socks, boxers, pants, shirts, belts and shoes. Next was his toiletries, and as he began packing what he might need from the medicine cabinet he decided that he didn’t need any of that stuff, and tossed every little pill into the water in the toilet where they floated like little bodies. The old Eddie Kaspbrak needed mounds of pills to keep him healthy, but the new Eddie certainly did not.

When he was finished, Eddie crept downstairs, avoiding every creaky floorboard to make sure he didn’t wake his wife when he was so close to being free. He used to do the same thing when he snuck downstairs as a child to have a tasty snack so that his mother wouldn’t notice. He used the phone to call his own company, hiring one of his drivers to take him down to the bus station. He couldn’t just take one of his cars anywhere, they all had trackers and Myra would absolutely use that to find him. He needed an easy, clean escape and a bus ticket would give him that.

While he waited, Eddie used the notepad that they kept by the phone to write a message to his wife. He couldn’t find the words for what he was doing, he couldn’t explain to her on paper that he was running from her to live the life he really wanted. So, he settled on ‘sorry… x’, and just as he set down his pen, he heard the car pull up outside and he grabbed his bag, practically hurrying out of the house before he could stop himself and go back to the comforting routine of the past six years. He jumped into the back of the car and as they pulled away, he looked up at the house just as the bedroom light flickered on. He was out, he was free, but only just by the skin of his teeth.

****

At the bus station, Eddie didn’t use any of his credit cards, he used cash that he’d taken from his personal account a few weeks ago when he came up with his plan to leave. He bought a one way ticket on the first greyhound out of town, with no destination in his mind. He planned to jump off at the first place he liked that was far enough away nobody would find him.

He stayed awake for the first three hours of the ride, head resting in his hand as he watched the world to whizzing by in a beautiful blur as the sun began to rise. By dawn, he was too tired to stay awake any longer, his eyes grew heavy and he drifted into a dreamless sleep, for which he was thankful. That afternoon, the bus was making a stop to refuel and all of the passengers had an opportunity to stretch their legs and pick up some supplies. Eddie needed to use the restroom, and he could use a sandwich if he was being honest, so he grabbed his bag and walked off of the coach.

He didn’t know where he was, but it was beautiful. They were in a small town somewhere by the water, it was peaceful and beautiful. Eddie wasn’t sure he’d ever been drawn to something so quickly, and in his gut he knew that he needed to stay. This was his new home.

****

The Denbrough brothers, Bill and Georgie, own the general store in town by the waterfront. During the summer months, they make enough money to keep them going through the rest of the year. Every day, coach loads of tourists pass through and buy some novelty garbage that they sell as well as food and supplies for the rest of their journey. Nobody ever stays in town for more than a few hours unless they have someone worth staying for, but today was different for everyone.

Three coaches had all arrived within a few minutes of each other, and Bill spent the better part of the next hour serving customers until the place was practically empty again. There were still a few locals picking up some groceries and his friend, Stan through the back working on their books. Bill stayed standing behind the counter, adjusting the gum by the register when something outside caught his eye. A short man, standing by the coach stop with a bag slung over his shoulder. He looked lost, and Bill stepped outside to help him.

“Excuse me?” Bill spoke up as he walked through the door. “Did you miss your ride?”

The other man turned around when he heard Bill’s voice, looking startled for a second before he relaxed a little and held his bag a little higher on his shoulder.

“No, actually, I, uh, decided this was my stop.” The other man answered with a nervous laugh bubbling up in his throat.

Bill was honestly surprised. By the sounds of things, this guy hadn’t expected to stay here anymore than Bill ever expected a tourist to hang around.

“You’ve got somewhere to stay?” Bill asked, wiping the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand.

“No, I hadn’t actually thought that far ahead.”

The look on the poor guys face made Bill feel kind of sorry for him. Surely someone must be in a tough spot if they’ve made a last minute decision like this - showing up in the middle of nowhere with no place to stay and no friends.

“Why don’t you come inside? I can give you an address, somewhere to get your head down for a few hours, at least.”

“You… really? You’d do something like that for someone you don’t even know?”

“Well, you don’t know me either and you’re considering taking me up on my offer.”

The other man stuck out his hand to Bill, which he took and the two of them gave each other a friendly shake.

“I’m Eddie.” The newcomer introduced himself.

“Bill.”

“I’m Georgie!”

Bill whirled around to look at his brother, a playful glare across his face as he watched his brother attend to the gas pumps for a second.

“Get your ass back to work before I kick it, kid!” Bill threatened, despite Georgie and Eddie waving politely to one another before the young kid rushed off back to work.

“So, this address?”

Bill helped Eddie back into the store with his bag and used the landline phone to call his friend, Ben, about the cabin he owned and occasionally rented out to anyone who needed it.

Eddie walked around the store, making sure he hadn’t forgotten to get anything, he could hear Bill on the phone across the room.

“Ben, hey buddy. Yeah, yeah.. everything is great over here, but I’ve got someone- yes..”

Eddie couldn’t hear the other side of the conversation but he assumed this Ben was nice enough from the exasperated smile on Bill’s face.

“Last minute decision, by the sounds of it. He’s sticking around for a while.. how much? Really? Alright, you’re the best. Give Bev a kiss for me, I’ll see you guys tomorrow. Bye.”

Eddie was pretending not to have eavesdropped as he checked out the display of reading glasses when Bill approached him with the address written down on a folded up piece of paper.

“It’s about a ten minute walk from here, pretty easy to get there. Ben, my friend, he thinks it’s best if you take the weekend to make sure you like the place enough to stay before you put down any payment.”

Eddie was surprised by that. Surely nobody was actually that nice, but apparently Bill was being serious.

“This is perfect, Bill. Thank you.” Eddie said sincerely, a thankful smile on his face that lit up his eyes. Bill figured this guy was pretty cute, but there was something going on with him.

Bill hoped Eddie would stay around long enough that they could get to know each other.

****

*one month later*

Eddie worked his way among the tables, the breeze across the water whipped through his hair. He carried five plates in total, three on one arm and two on the other. His old button-up shirts had been replaced with a thin, cotton T-shirt that read Ivan’s: Try the Fish Just for the Halibut. He served the food to a group of women all dressed in tennis gear; the one closest to the window caught his eye and smiled. She seemed to be trying too hard to just be friendly, he knew that she watched him as he walked away. Richie, Eddie’s coworker had mentioned the women that come in from out of town before, how they tipped bigger when they were made to feel extra special.

Eddie fetched a pitcher of iced tea, refilled their glasses and returned to the waitress station. He took a moment to glance at the view, it was late April and the temperature was so close to perfect he could almost taste it.

“Eddie - can you take another table?”

Eddie was stirring up some sweet tea when Richie spoke him. Eddie looked out across the diner, counting how many of his tables were already filled.

“Sure.” He nodded.

Bill had told Eddie about this job opening. Much sooner than he expected, Eddie had been running out of money. One Tuesday, he and Bill were having some lunch together in the sun, Bill pointed out the ‘Now Hiring’ sign on the window and admitted to being good friends with the owners, assuring Eddie that he could put in a good word. Eddie hadn’t wanted to cry in front of him, so he managed to wait until he was home before breaking down. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but by that point he was already broke and hadn’t eaten anything for two days.

After finishing with the tea, Eddie headed to the kitchen where Patty, one of the cooks winked at him as she always did.

“Doesn’t look like it’s going to slow down today,” Patty commented. She was beautiful, a head of dark curls and only a year or two older than Eddie himself. She lived with Stan, Bill’s friend. “Every time we start catching up, we’re slammed with more customers.”

“It’s beautiful out.”

“Exactly, so why are they here? On a day like this, I’d have thought they’d be at the beach or fishing. That’s exactly what I’m doing when I finish up here later.”

“That sounds like a nice idea.”

“You need a ride home later?”

Patty always offered to drive him, at least two days a week. “No, thank you. You know I don’t live that far.”

“No problem,” she persisted. “I’d be more than happy to do it.”

“Walking keeps me fit.”

He handed her his stack of tickets and Patty pinned them on the wheel and located another order, taking it to her section and dropping it off at the right table.

On his way home that evening, Eddie stopped in at the store for some fresh milk just in time before Bill closed up for the night.

“Is that everything?” Bill asked politely as he rung Eddie up, putting the chilled carton in a brown paper bag.

“I just need one more thing,” Eddie admitted, glancing down nervously. “What are you doing this weekend?”

“I’m off Saturday. Why?”

“I was wondering if, maybe, you’d want to come and have some dinner with me. Just the two of us, no kid brother.”

To Eddie, this point of their friendship felt like one of those defining moments. The two of them had been tip-toeing around their situation for a while, neither realising that they both had more than friendly feelings for one another. They’d spent a few nights having dinner together, but they always ate with Georgie, too.

“Yes,” Bill answered, holding Eddie’s gaze. “I’d love dinner.”

“Great!” Eddie beamed. “Saturday, my place, six?”

“That sounds perfect.”

When Saturday night rolled around, Eddie took a second shower that day, he moisturized with his favourite lotion and put on one of his new outfits, including new shoes. He blow dried his hair and combed it into place, happy that he looked good enough for tonight. As he turned one way and the other in front of the mirror one last time, he heard an engine approach outside. Eddie took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. Then, after walking across the room and opening the door, he stepped outside onto the porch.

Getting out of his truck, there was Bill, dressed in jeans, a blue shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows. He was standing against the driver’s side door, leaning inside of the car seemingly reaching for something.

Bill brought out a bottle of wine and turned. Seeing Eddie, Bill almost froze, his expression one of surprise. Eddie was standing in the last rays of the setting sun, perfectly radiant and for a moment all Bill could do was stare.

“You made it,” He said.

The sound of Eddie’s voice was enough to break the spell he had on Bill, but he continued to stare. He knew that he should say something witty, something to charm Eddie and break the tension the way someone like Richie would but Bill couldn’t think anything other than ‘I’m in serious trouble.’

They spent the next couple of hours eating and having a few glasses of wine. With his filter a little looser than normal, Bill finally had the confidence to ask the question that had weighed on his mind since he first met Eddie.

“What happened?” He asked bluntly, confusing Eddie.

“What are you talking about?”

“You were married. What happened?”

“Who told you that?” Eddie asked defensively.

“Nobody had to tell me anything, but you have a tan line on your ring finger where I’m assuming a wedding ring used to be.”

Eddie set down his wine glass and looked at his hands as they trembled, noticing that he did indeed have a little line of pale skin wrapped around his finger.

“Technically… I’m still married.” He admitted.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t pry. You don’t have to tell me anything.” Bill apologised but Eddie shook his head.

“No, I want to tell you. I want to tell you all of it.”

That was how Bill ended up staying at the cabin with Eddie until after midnight. Eddie cried, but he told Bill everything starting from his mother right up to the night he left Myra and ran from his sham marriage.

“You did the right thing by leaving.” Bill assured him.

“She’s looking for me, though.”

“How do you know?”

“My business partners emailed me. Apparently she’s been botheriering as many people at my company as she can, trying to get any information they might have.”

“So, she’s actually a psychopath?”

“No..” Eddie sighed sadly, pinching the pride of his nose. “She, well, she just doesn’t understand. I didn’t tell her that I wanted a divorce, I didn’t tell her that I wanted to leave and I definitely didn’t tell her that I’m gay. As far as she’s aware, her husband just up and left in the middle of the night for no reason.”

Bill took Eddie’s hand in his, stroking his thumb across the bumps of Eddie’s knuckles.

“But you have a reason, a legitimate one and you don’t have to explain anything to her if you don’t want to.”

Eddie felt himself well up with emotions that he’d been swallowing for so long. Nobody had ever told him that he didn’t have to do something before, and it felt so good.

“Thank you, Bill. I-“ his eyes raised to look at Bill’s face, but he choked when he realised how close they were, and how amazingly blue Bill’s eyes are.

“Can I… can I kiss you?”

Eddie nodded so fast he almost gave himself whiplash, but the touch of Bill’s large hand cupping his jaw was enough to calm him down and flip his stomach all at the same time. Before either of them could think too much of it, their lips met in a tender, delicate kiss that said everything they couldn’t put into words.

****

Exactly one week after their date, Eddie was still floating. It had been a busy week and tonight would be the first chance to spend some real time together again, and Eddie was secretly hoping for more than just a kiss.

Eddie was unloading some laundry from the washing machine into the dryer when there was a knock at the door. Strange, because Bill wasn’t due to arrive for another hour yet.

Leaving the laundry, Eddie walked through the cabin and answered the front door. The polite, expectant smile dropping from his face when he saw the woman standing on the other side of the door casting a large, dooming shadow over the threshold.

“Myra, what.. what are you doing here?” He asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

“I’m here to take you home, Eddie-Bear. You ran away, you didn’t tell me where you were going and you forgot all of your pills, baby.”

Eddie started to argue but she pushed him out of the way as she stepped inside, the old floorboards creaking under her obscene weight.

“Now, Eddie. We don’t have time for your apologies, you can explain everything on the bus ride home. We have to get going, or we’ll miss the departure time.”

Eddie watched in shock for a few minutes as Myra found the bedroom and began to pack Eddie’s belongings back up into his bag.

“I’m not going anywhere with you, Myra. I’m sorry.”

She ignored him, not even acknowledging that he’d said anything. She only continued to pack, humming a song Eddie had heard a thousand times under her breath.

“Myra. I’m staying here.” Again he was ignored. “I want a divorce.”

When Mrs. Kaspbrak turned around to look at her husband, the waterworks were turned on and fat tears rolled down her fat, flushed cheeks.

“Eddieeeeee!” She sobbed. “Don’t be like this! Come home, so that we can fix everything!”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have to do this to you, but I don’t have another choice. I don’t love you, Myra. I never have. You deserve better.”

“But I want you, Eddie-Bear. Come home.”

Eddie shook his head and walked to his wife, standing only an inch taller than her. He kissed her forehead and wiped her tears.

“Listen to me, okay?” He pleaded, holding her hands in his. “I’m gay, Myra. I’m sexually attracted to men, not women. Not you.”

****

Bill arrived at Eddie’s with a picnic basket, planning to take Eddie out into the woodland surrounding the cabin for a late night bite to eat before back inside for desert. However, he wasn’t expecting a woman to put a spanner in the works when he arrived and found Eddie helplessly trying to console a crying woman. His wife, Bill assumed.

Eddie looked at Bill with apologetic eyes and a pleading look, Bill just nodded. Whatever Eddie needed, he would do.

“You have to understand, dear.” Eddie spoke so softly and calmly to a woman he didn’t love, reaching for Bill’s hand. “This man, Bill, is my boyfriend. I’m planning to move in with him soon. Do you understand me?”

Myra looked between the two of them, seeing that they were both handsome men and there was a clear chemistry between them. They both seemed somewhat uncomfortable, but she assumed that was just because she was there.

“Okay,” She croaked, voice hoarse from all of her crying. “I understand.” She stood, clutching her purse to her chest. “I’ll have my lawyer contact you when I decide what I want to keep.”

Myra left and Eddie let go of a huge sigh of relief, slumping into Bill.

“Thank you.” He whispered, wrapping around the other man. “For going along with that, I mean.”

“No problem,” Bill assured him, kissing the top of his head. “You’re a saint, being married to that woman.”

Eddie laughed and immediately the tension was broken, the air between them returning to normal.

****

Eddie didn’t think that anything else would come from Myra. He expected a few phone calls maybe, and the divorce papers when she made it home but what he didn’t realise, was that she didn’t go home.

Myra stayed in town, hidden for the next two days. She watched Eddie make his trips to the store and to work, then back home again. He kept a new routine in his new life and she was happy to find vitamin bottles, empty, in the trash. At least he was keeping himself healthy while he was without her.

Tonight, the whole town was having a firework display to celebrate the beginning of summer. Myra would take her chance then, ruining Bill Denbrough’s life so that he had nothing to offer Eddie.

As the boats made their way out onto the water, loaded with fireworks for the display, Myra took her chance and snuck into the empty store with gas canisters full of petroleum. As she walked up and down the aisles, she poured the liquid all over, covering everything she could reach. Back at the door, she stepped outside and lit a match, tossing it into the building which was immediately consumed in flames.

Eddie was sat on the pier, waiting for Bill and Georgie - Bill was grabbing beers from the cooler out back, and Georgie was getting a blanket for the three of them from his apartment above the store.

The fire started, and the whole world stopped. Eddie’s blood ran cold and he got to his feet, watching for a moment that felt like a lifetime as Bill’s livelihood began burning to the ground.

“HELP!”

Eddie looked up when he heard the scream, and he saw Georgie on the tiny balcony up on the second floor.

“GEORGIE!” Bill screamed, running to the entrance, but he couldn’t get inside.

Everyone was rushing to help with hoses and buckets of water but it wasn’t enough. The flames were too strong and taking over too fast, they had to get Georgie down. Eddie went to fetch a ladder from a nearby garden, but he was grabbed from behind and thrown to the ground. When he looked up, he saw Myra.

“Eddie-Bear. I told you to come home with me.” Her tone was so calm that it was terrifying. The woman had lost her mind.

“No! Why are you doing this?! You’re going to kill him!”

“Nobody will want you, baby. Bill won’t want you, knowing that he lost everything because of you.”

Eddie tried to fight Myra off, but she was too big and she had her sausage fingers wrapped tightly around his throat. Just as the edge of his vision began to blur, Myra fell off of the top of Eddie. She’d been hit in the head, by Stan who stood wielding a broken pipe.

“Crazy bitch.” He panted, helping Eddie up off of the ground.

“We have to help Bill and Georgie.”

The two men ran back to the store to help, Bill was desperately trying to get in while a few neighbours and Richie tried to convince Georgie to jump and that they would catch him, but he was too scared.

“I can get in.” Eddie spoke up. There was a small gap that the others were much too big for. “I’ll go up, push him out and you catch him.”

Before Bill could stop him, Eddie was off. He climbed up the gap in the edge of the building, through a window and then he was up on the balcony with Georgie.

“Eddie?! What the hell are you doing up here?!” Georgie cried, his words followed by a fit of coughing. He’d already inhaled so much smoke.

“I’m getting you down, okay? Just look at me. Look into my eyes.” Eddie stayed as calm as he could manage, holding the kid by the shoulders, forcing him to keep stilL and look at him. “Count with me, so you can calm down and breathe, okay?”

Georgie nodded and Eddie began to count. He got to four, and pushed him from the balcony.

****

Eddie couldn’t remember what happened after that. It was all heat and smoke and pain, but he was coming around. The constant beeping from a heart monitor was irritating him, and his arm itched like crazy.

“Eddie?” Asked a familiar voice. “Are you awake?”

“Hm?” He grunted in response, trying to will his heavy eyes open.

“Come on, tough guy. Let me see those pretty eyes.”

Eddie blinked a few times until he could see, and as his vision cleared, he saw Bill sitting by his side.

“Bill? What are you doing here?”

“Like I was going to leave you after you were blown up.” Bill scoffed. “Just… don’t panic, okay?” He pleaded, nodding down to Eddie’s arm.

Eddie looked down, and let out a cry of shock when he realised that his left arm was missing.

It wasn’t the end of the world, after all a missing limb was bearable if it meant living his new life as his true self with his wonderful boyfriend and his new family.

#It (2017) #hannah writes #it2ficexchange #jannuaryembers #hanscom #eddie kaspbrak #bill denbrough #kasbrough #myra kaspbrak is an awful wife

[dahtwitchi]

@alaricathecat sent an ask

You’re such an amazing artist! I’m sorry if you got this question 100x times already, but what media do you use to paint your pictures? I’ve been looking for a new media type, and it looks absolutely fun (and perhaps really difficult?) to use, but I’m nothing but stubborn if I do say so myself. Lmfao. Anyway, your art is stunning, I wish I could have art class with you, because I believe I could learn a lot from you

First of all: Thank you

I’m guessing you are talking about the most common style I’m using right now?Easiest way is to show, I guess, so I documented the process of my last drawing ^^ I’ll go into detail under the cut! (there should alsobe miscellanious things under the tag #how I art)

Basically, it’s bottled ink with a few touch ups. Everything but the glass of water is in the first image (coffee, very important, and KEEP IT ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF YOUR WATER to minimise risks of inking up your coffee!!), including the sketches I did of orcas in preparation for this piece. Always find ways to nag yourself into some sketch studies whenever you manage! I hadn’t drawn orcas before, so I just set a timer to 40 minutes and drew a few of the first images that came up when googling.

I use mechanical pencil for the sketch, a 2B 0.7 lead, which I get excess lead off of with a kneaded eraser. This help not to clog the tips of pens or brushes with all that excess, and the ink go on the paper not on top of the graphite. I rough line it with a thin waterproof ink pen (today that ended up being a 02 micron) and then use the kneaded eraser to remove the rest of the sketch. The kneaded eraser is worth gold! Get a good brand one, though, because there are some really crappy out there, and the brand ones I find don’t generally cost more in any case. They are supposed to be really soft and possible to drag out loooong very easily and quite fast. You might get stuck stretching it over and over and over and over- yeah.

Then I move on to the ink, and watercolours or gouache depending on what’s closest when I’m about to sit down. The brushes are the only thing I’ve bothered to get hold of high quality ones. I splurged with birthday money, and I’m weak they were so good! A single decent one that hold liquid well and don’t let go of it in great blobs was fine for quite a while, though.

Here come the trouble with my technique though, because what I use for paper is printer paper x’D Not the cheapest one, but step above, xerox big pack for colour print. The surface hold up surprisingly well, and I have also used it for markers as it doesn’t bleed through very fast. If can’t handle liquids well at all, though x’D Bubbling, people! The trick is, as little water as possible and let layers dry inbetween. A bit fiddly, but lower the cost a lot for these not high class artwork pieces. (also a lot of the low cost, but still far more expensive, watercolour papers actually handle water worse than these printer papers, sooo

The ink is thinned out with water, a can lid work excellently as colour cups! A dip into the ink, put it in the lid and add a some droplets of water. I use a clean moist brush, but let excess water bleed out from the brush onto toilet paper, then bring in the amount of watered down ink I want and apply. My different brushes need different ratios of water and ink in them to let go of the same amount of liquid and colour, so learn your brushes! The more expensive brushes are able to let go of practically all ink and practically none is wasted in the water glass, while the cheap brushes always have quite a bit of ink left in them despite not really letting go of more to the paper.

Then it’s layering time. But not too heavy layering, as the ink I use reactivate again. Making sure not to work the surface much, as it too easily crumbles. Oh. And getting distracted by how pretty ink in water is. Maybe dip the brush an extra time just to see the pretty swirls~

First few layers are all over, not that much confined to inside the lines. Help to create more depth and movement in the end. I try to shade the lighter areas first, as the darker colours will bleed when layering over them. The very darkest clear edges last, on perfectly dry paper, to ensure clean contrast lines. 

The shading from dark to light, I make sure to have a dipping of water sucked up high up in the brush, then relatively dark ink. When you then go from dark to light, you’ll get less and less colour. The smoother a shade you want, the more important it is to work wet and not risk the paper suck up colour and end up with sharp edges where you don’t want them. Usually with liquids, you apply water first, then add in the colour in the wet area, but you can only do that with good (expeeeeensive) watercolour paper. So, here you have to work fast and confidently.

Or. You know. Get shades in ways you hadn’t planned, and either just make it all lots darker, or pretend it’s all fine. That’s a skill to learn, too! Very important one x’D

I use maybe… 2-5 dips into the ink in total for these pieces, so a bottle of ink really isn’t very expensive compared to what I get out of it. 

When I’m happy with the ink, I add in touches of colour. Still with little water, and it will mix in with the ink. Gouache you can layer on top better, but I’m just accenting a bit, so solstice blue it was x3

Then we have the white el tip pen. That I have to stop myself from overusing completely x’D Outlining things like the weapon and dividing line between body and furthest fin to stand out more, added in on the eyes that was a tad bit too dark and adding shinies to body and such.

Lastly I go over with a ink pen again, or possible my smallest brush if I can be bothered, to just touch everything up.

And that’s it. With disturbances and cats and kiddo and all, it took about 1.5 h, preparations and digital after work (adjusting what the scanner killed, and tiny adjustments here and there, made his right pupil smaller as it was too big, for example) excluded. 

I really like working the ink and the brushes. It got such life and soul, the medium give it’s own twist on what you try to make. I did get a grip on the ink thanks to inktober, where I at least 2/3 worked with the bottled ink to prompts, so that the point became making something with ink rather than forgetting your medium in favour for motif. Sketching and exercises and time limits, those are what have made me take the biggest steps in art. Making truly elaborate pieces have been about having a bit fun with the skills you have, but the journey of growing as an artist isn’t about those anymore for me. It’s surprisingly freeing, and the day you discover hard work on sketch exercises make you suddenly able to sketch a wide variety of things just like that? It’s complete awe ^^

#how i art #merman #Kakashi #Kakashi merman #orca #art wip #wip process #long post

[shirtlesssammy]

13x20: Unfinished Business

Then:

Gabe knows Dean likes Dr. Sexy

Now:

In a darkened back alley, a man walks drunkenly away from a liquor store. A kazoo sounds in the distance. Ah, it seems that our favorite archangel’s horn is actually a kazoo. And the drunken man is actually Fenrir Odinsbane, one of the demi-gods that sold Gabriel to Asmodeus. Gabe confronts Fenrir.

Fisticufts ensue. Gabriel wins, but barely.

The Winchesters, meanwhile, are checking into a motel. Dean’s updating Cas on the phone about their plans. SOFT. They really got married and didn’t tell us. Dean is frustrated with their lack of finding Gabriel, but Rowena’s spell said he could be close. He wants to locate him, and get a move on finding their mom and Jack. These thoughts all manifest before he knew this motel room has magic fingers of course. (Love the call back to earlier seasons. Not only is Gabriel back, but the room has a gritty and dark feel that evokes early seasons as well.) Their work is reduced by 100% when Gabriel knocks on their door.

In the AU, Jack is proudly telling Mary about his growing abilities. Mary’s concerned about the logistics of maintaining the resistance. (Hoard toilet paper!) Fellow freedom fighter, Jacob, arrives and tells them that the angels are leaving.

Gabe, torso bleeding and powers low, inquires about his grace. The brothers inform him that it’s gone, so he’ll have to wait for his grace to recharge before he can heal himself.

Jack uses his powers to see Michael’s headquarters. It’s just as Jacob reported: Empty. Jack wants to go there.

Sam and Dean ask Gabriel for his help (again) but he’s not much of a joiner. Before he can ditch again, they get a visit from Fenrir’s brothers: Narfi and Sleipnir.

Fisticuffs ensue. Gabriel offs Narfi but Sleipnir escapes.

Once at Michael’s headquarters, the resistance finds a map --it’s clearly the North American continent, but it’s not the United States anymore. It’s creepy! I love it. It shows a concentration of army figures in what was once the southern United States. They also find Kevin Tran! He was left behind when the angels left town. (So this apocalypse has only been happening for eight years? Like, did it follow the same timeline as our universe?) He reveals that “there’s a place in the south where the walls between worlds are thin.” He plans on entering our world there.

Sam and Dean locks Gabriel up and force him to spill his story. Loki and Gabriel go way back --to the time when Gabriel saved Loki. Loki owed Gabe one so when Gabriel needed to hide from the world, Loki set him up in Monte Carlo with porn stars. This sequence is pure gold. I love it all.

Well, the fun and games had to end eventually, and Gabriel was kidnapped and sold to Asmodeus. Gabriel wants revenge, and because he’s low on grace, he’s doing it the old fashioned way --with wooden stakes. 

He even has one reserved for Loki himself.

In the AU, the group continues to strategize their plan for Michael.

And, yo, Dean is in a bad place, guys. He’s drinking from his flask. He also isn’t convinced Gabriel’s revenge is the best plan.

Dean pulls Sam into the hallway to have a “private” conversation (really close to an archangel so how private can it really be?). He's concerned that Gabriel's revenge plot is a waste of time...for them and for Gabriel as well. Revenge never did a damn thing for himself, for their dad… Dean calls Sam out on his own unspoken revenge fantasy of killing Lucifer. Still, Sam convinces Dean to give Gabriel’s plan a try and they get ready to head out. Gabriel knows where to go, too. Loki is holed up in the penthouse of the Ophidian hotel. (Ophidian means snake.) How...obvious of Loki.

Gabriel gleefully pulls out his cartoonish kill list. Dean is...less than impressed. “This is so stupid,” he mutters, which puts a nice lampshade on the more obvious Kill Bill parallels.

So the plan is that they'll kill Sleipnir, then Loki in the penthouse. “Easy peasy like a breezy,” Gabriel declares. GABE. Stop charming us!

In the AU Mary strongly urges Jack to calm the fuck down and take it slow. She compares him to herself as a hunter. “Running in blind into every fight? That's how you make mistakes.” She begs for Jack to reconsider his plan to go south and attack Michael right away. “I can't lose another boy,” she says. (This reminds us all that she thinks Cas is dead and we spend the next hour weeping.)

Kevin interrupts. He tells them that Michael set him one more task...and if he does it then he gets to go to Heaven to see his mother. Everyone’s instantly on their guard because Kevin looks...intense. Mary pushes one of the resistance leader’s guns down and tries to talk to Kevin. She tells him that Heaven is just memories and that nothing there is real. (I’m like...FINALLY this show is really addressing again what a fucked up situation Heaven actually is! Thank you Mary, for calling it like it fucking is.)

Kevin doesn't care though. He's suffered. He's done terrible things. And now he wants it to end. Kevin tells Jack that Michael doesn't want to kill him. He wants to break him. Then Kevin presses his hand to a sigil carved into his chest and flaring blue light fills the room. Oh, Kevin. Getting the shaft in every universe. :(

Jack wraps his wings around Mary at the last minute.

Cut back to Gabe’s stylized revenge story. Our heroes stalk their way up through the dingy Ophidian hotel corridors. In the elevator Gabriel instructs the Winchesters that they can kill the guards but Sleipnir and Loki are his to kill.

The elevator opens upstairs to reveal Sleipnir and two guards in plain view. Both sides freeze for a moment, processing. And then...Gabriel douses the lights. Gunfire erupts and the fighting is illuminated in flashes of light as the Winchesters and Gabriel advance on their quarry.

When Gabe turns on the lights again he has Sleipnir on the floor beneath his blade...and Dean's disappeared with the suitcase full of the rest of the blades. Gabe kills Sleipnir and then he and Sam chase after Dean.

Dean stalks his way up to the penthouse, bearing Loki's wooden blade. He tips open the door and finds Loki at last. Loki sits calmly in his brightly lit penthouse suite sucking on a lollipop.

He places his sucker into his lollipop humidor - which is a delightful touch. I mean, I seriously want to send a card to whoever made it to thank them for being an awesome and creative human being. Loki reveals that he's out for his own revenge against Gabriel. Gabriel went against their original deal. He was supposed to lay low and stay out of his family's apocalyptic nonsense and in exchange, Loki would hide him. But when Gabriel drew all the gods to the Elysian Fields hotel back in season 5, he got Odin killed. For that, Loki wants his revenge.

Loki tells Dean that his father was terrible to him, but that he would do anything to avenge him – and wouldn't Dean agree with that? (Whoa, this episode is doing all kinds of digging up the past and I LOVE it.) Dean represses heavily, blows off his explanation, and tries to stab him, but it turns out that Loki is just a projected illusion. He's elsewhere in the hotel!

Cue Gabriel, tearing around a corner with Sleipnir's blade. He finds Loki hanging out downstairs…

Back in the penthouse, projection!Loki hits Dean and Dean realizes that Loki can hit him...but he can't make a dent in Loki. It's the “perks” of fighting a real trickster, apparently. Sam arrives, shoots, and fake Loki poofs out.

Meanwhile, (the probably real?) Loki taunts Gabriel about how he went to him for help during the apocalypse. Gabe can’t do anything on his own. I get the sense that if Loki had access to a pen and paper, he’d draw a sidewalk-artist caricature of Gabriel dressed in a dirty diaper. Dean and Sam show up and Dean slides Gabriel the Loki blade, but Loki continues to burn Gabriel. Gabriel lived for nothing. He'll die for nothing. Gabriel swallows down his despair, kills Loki, and then shares a nod with Sam. (This is where I see the seeds of Gabriel’s redemption sown. It’ll be interesting to see how this affects Sam’s journey.)

Back in the AU, light streams in through the crosses in the walls, illuminating ruined bodies. Jack's wings unfurl to reveal Mary unconscious in his embrace. He stares around the ruined church in despair. I stare around the ruined church in despair. Oh, Kevin.

Outside the hotel, Sam and Dean head to the Impala and stuff those cool wooden blades into Baby’s trunk. (I’m definitely NOT imagining Dean playing with them in his bathrobe in the bunker...when he’s mentally in a better place, anyway.) Gabriel thanks the Winchesters for their help and then asks how they all plan to kill Michael. He’s ready to help them. “No tricks?” Dean asks.

“Tricks are for kids,” Gabriel replies. Sam asks how Gabe is feeling after he had his revenge and he tells him that he feels, “Swell. I'm a whole new guy.” As Sam turns away, Gabriel’s smile fades....

In the AU, Jack tells Mary that Kevin’s attack was his fault. Mary consoles him. God, Mary is just the BEST. So strong and world weary.

Back in the bunker, Cas is reportedly helping Gabe get settled in while Dean healthily downs whiskey at the war room table. Sam asks Dean why he went after Loki without them. “This has become a whole thing with you lately,” Sam protests. He wants to know why Dean's treating him with kid gloves and keeping him out of fights.

“You remember what happened the last time we got front row tickets to the Lucifer/Michael show?” Dean asks. He tells Sam that he doesn’t care what happens to himself...but he cares about Sam. (I’ll take this moment to point out Dean’s flask drinking during the case earlier...and how Billie told him she’d see him soon. I’m pretty sure Dean’s staring down the barrels of impending death right now...and he thinks he deserves it.) Sam tells Dean that they'll save Jack and their mom together – or they'll die together. Dean loves this plan.

Dudes.

These Quotes are on my Kill List:

No gimmicks. No tricks. Just mano a mano.

He died as he lived. Side by side with the bottle.

Raspberries.

Don't let anybody ever tell you you're just a pretty face.

If I can't keep them safe then what's the point?

The hell are you guys? The hell are these guys?

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

#spn recap #spn 13x20 #unfinished business #dean winchester #sam winchester #gabriel #supernatural season 5

[fanficshiddles]

I Own You, Chapter 2

When Raven next woke up, she was being lowered into a bathtub. Her wrists were tied behind her back and she panicked as her mind started to come back to her and she realised she was completely naked.

‘Calm down, or you’ll hurt yourself.’ A firm voice said.

She focused more and saw that it was the man who had attempted to tend to her head that was lowering her down into the water. She didn’t do as he said though, she continued to struggle to try and get away.

‘Fine. Do it the hard way.’ He sighed and let go of her.

Raven let out a screech as she slipped down in the large bath, straight underneath the water she became fully submerged.

‘1… 2… 3…’ Michael counted to himself before he reached in and grabbed Raven around her upper arms and lifted her up.

She gasped and spluttered for air, but she didn’t struggle anymore.

‘Are you going to behave now?’ He asked.

Raven said and did nothing. Which was good enough for him. She had quickly learned that lesson. 

She was totally humiliated while Michael washed her hair and then washed her body with a sponge. He paid extra attention around her breasts and between her legs, which he had to force apart to get access to.

‘See, that wasn’t so bad now was it?’ Michael cooed and lifted her out of the bath.

Raven took that opportunity to take in her surroundings. It was a clean enough bathroom. There was a toilet, the bath and a shower cubicle. It was all white porcelain and very clean, but there was no window. Which didn’t help her at all.

‘Don’t waste your time looking for an escape. It won’t happen. The only advice I can give you, is to do as you’re told.’ Michael chastised as he dried her with a large towel.

He put a plaster on the wound on her head along with some cream to help it heal.

Raven stayed quiet as she was then led out of the bathroom and down a dark corridor. There were loads of doors at either side, she could hear females screaming behind some of the doors, which sent chills straight down her spine.

With her hands restrained behind her, she knew there was no point on even trying to get away. Even if she did get away, she didn’t know where she was.

‘In here.’ The tall man said as he opened a door and pushed her inside.

The room was cold and dingy. There was a large metal table in the middle of the room, with stirrup restraints at the end and leather restraints at the top and sides. There wasn’t much else in the room at all, apart from a desk to the side.

Michael moved behind Raven and to her surprise, he took off her restraints. She took that opportunity and attempted to elbow him, but he had been expecting that as he grabbed her arms with ease.

‘Tsk, tsk. I told you the best thing to do was to behave. I will let that slide, this time.’ He growled and easily wrestled her down onto the cold metal table.

She continued to struggle, but was soon restrained to said table and she gave up. Her wrists were strapped down at the side of her body, her ankles locked into the stirrups that were raised up high and apart so that her ass was just hanging off the edge of the table. She felt extremely vulnerable, her panic levels were rising rapidly again.

‘Last one.’ Michael mumbled as he put a thick strap of leather across her neck, keeping her from moving her head around too much.

‘He will be in shortly.’ Michael said when he left the room, leaving Raven to her own thoughts.

But she found being left alone was worse. Her mind ran away with her with so many different thoughts about what was going to happen to her. She couldn’t decide whether she was relieved they hadn’t killed her yet or not. If that was what they were planning to do with her, she hoped it would be quick.

Her ears perked up when she heard the door opening behind her. She tried to look round, but her neck was too tightly restrained. Though she could hear the voices.

‘Did you get the other girl?’ Tom asked.

‘Yes. Chris did better this time, remembered to restrain her for the journey. He’s getting her prepared now.’ Luke said.

‘Is Raven ready?’ Tom asked Michael.

‘She sure is.’

The three men that were talking walked into view of Raven. Her eyes widened in fear as she saw the three tall, intimidating men. She hadn’t noticed before, but they were all wearing suits. Which only made them all the more intimidating, especially as all the suits looked incredibly expensive.

She knew they meant business.

It was easy for her to know that Tom was the one in charge, it was very obvious. She didn’t really know much of the dynamics of the rest of them yet. But she was trying to store away as much information as possible. That much she did know about trying to survive and escape, was to take everything in and keep as calm as possible.

But her calm demeanour soon dropped.

Tom grinned down at Raven and ran his hand up and down her right arm, causing goosebumps to rise on her skin.

‘Cute girl. You look even more delectable all tied up and vulnerable like this. Now, let’s see what we have here.’ He walked over to the desk and opened one of the drawers.

He took out a pair of latex gloves and pulled them on over his hands with a snap, making her flinch each time. The other two men stood and watched from the side-lines, their eyes never leaving Raven. That made her feel even more humiliated, but she knew it was only going to get worse for her.

‘Papers.’ Tom put his hand out to the side.

Michael handed him a clipboard with a sheet of paper on it.

‘Raven MacDonald. 22 years old. 5ft 3. Writer… Right then, let’s fill in the rest.’ Tom said as he handed the clipboard back to Michael, who took out a pen so he was ready to note down what Tom told him.

Tom moved up the side of the table and pulled out a measuring tape. Raven stiffened as Tom slid the tape underneath her and measured around her chest. He read out the results and Michael noted them down. He took note of measurements all over her body.

‘Now for the important parts.’ Tom murmured as he slid his hand up her stomach and to her breasts.

‘Natural breasts. Nice looking nipples. Clearly responsive to the cold.’ He said as he tweaked her left nipple between his fingers, making her let out a sob.

‘Very responsive to touch too.’ Tom confirmed that by tugging at her other nipple and earning another sob.

Tom then used his fingers to open her eyes nice and wide. ‘Nice clear eyes. She’s recovered well from the sedatives.’ Tom smirked and gave her cheek a pat. He was amused with the way she was glaring at him. 

He moved his attentions to her lips, using his fingers he prised open her mouth, the taste of latex on her tongue nearly made her gag. He slid two fingers into her mouth and pressed down against the back of her tongue, making her gag again.

‘Gag reflex is going to need a lot of work.’ Tom said and Michael wrote that down.

‘She’s got the perfect body shape. Nice and healthy looking skin.’ Tom moved down her body. ‘Soft hands, nice well-kept nails.’ He said as he scrutinised her hands.

He walked around to the bottom of the table and moved between her legs. Raven attempted to struggle and she gritted her teeth. She could see his head down there and it made her want to get swallowed up into a hole. This inspection had been bad enough already, she knew it was about to get much worse.

‘Clean shaven, which is good.’ Tom said as he ran two fingers up and down on the soft bit of skin at the sides of her cunt. ‘Very nice looking. Perfect colour… Let’s see how she feels inside.’ Tom flipped the cap of a bottle open and poured a small amount of lube over two of his fingers.

He slid them up and down her folds to start with, then he rubbed over the hood of her clit. Raven bit down hard on her lower lip. She felt repulsed at having this strange man touching her there, the one that was in charge of kidnapping her. But to her dismay, her body started to respond to his touch. It was difficult not to as his fingers worked skilfully against her most intimate parts.

‘There it is. Clitoris relatively easy to find, nice and responsive.’ Tom purred and slid his finger over her clit, her body started to tremble from his touch.

‘Stop! Please!’ She begged and tears rolled down her cheeks. Tom ignored her pleading.

‘Ohh, what’s this? Her own arousal has started.’ He chuckled wickedly as he left her clit and slid his fingers down to her hole that was starting to glisten.

Tom slowly inserted one finger inside her. She tried to resist by pushing back against him and tensing up. But Tom showed no mercy as he forced his finger further into her.

‘Very tight… Are you a virgin?’ He asked Raven, the first direct question he had asked her.

Raven couldn’t answer, she was too ashamed at how her body was reacting to the assault. She closed her eyes since she couldn’t turn her head to the side.

Tom’s question was answered as he started to insert a second finger but was met with even more resistance when he tried to push his long digits deeper, making her cry out in pain. She was so unbelievably tight.

‘Yes. She’s a virgin.’ Tom said with glee, glancing to the other two men.

Michael and Luke looked at one another and grinned. They knew that virgins were worth a lot more, sometimes even double.

Tom curled his fingers inside of her and he soon found what he was looking for and rubbed against it.

‘There we go. That’s the spot.’ Tom said as he rubbed firmly over her g spot. Making a mental note for himself of how her thighs began to tremble.

‘N… No.’ Raven said weakly, but even she knew her body was giving in to him and there would be no stopping it.

‘Let’s see how well she orgasms.’ Tom pressed his thumb down over her clit as he kept rubbing across her sweet spot inside of her. His thumb circling over her clit along with the full pressure she felt inside of her body was too much.

She started crying again as her body betrayed her and she came. Her body tightened on his fingers and Tom could feel an extra wetness as she gushed around him. He let out a small moan of his own as he imagined his cock nestled there instead of his fingers, his trousers getting very tight indeed. 

‘Nice. Very nice. Wet orgasm from clitoral and g spot stimulation. That was only, what, 2 minutes? Yes, she is very responsive and sensitive.’ Tom was almost giddy with excitement. He removed his fingers from her and watched as her arousal dripped down from between her thighs and landed on the table.

It had been a long time since he had found a girl quite like her. A virgin too. Tom thought as he stroked her abdomen in soft circles, enjoying the way her body twitched under his touch in the aftermath of her orgasm.

‘We are going to have to keep her until the wound on her head has healed. But I could think of worse things.’ Tom said wickedly as he kept his eyes on Raven. She had to close her eyes again as she couldn’t maintain his intense stare.

Tom pulled off his latex gloves and tossed them into a bin beside the desk. Then he took out another pair and nodded at Michael and Luke.

‘Take her to her room and get Chris to bring me the other girl.’ Tom told them.

Raven felt broken as Michael undid her restraints. She couldn’t even attempt to fight or run away from him, she knew it was useless anyway considering there was three of them. They were all much stronger and larger than her, she knew she had no hope.

Her legs were like jelly when she was marched out of the room. She saw along the corridor the man that had originally kidnapped her, he was carrying another girl over his shoulder. He gave her a cheeky wave and a smirk before she was led away by Michael.

Raven struggled to focus and register what exactly was going on. All she knew was she was exhausted, sore and humiliated like never before.

‘You will stay in here until further notice. If you need the toilet, there’s a bucket in the corner.’ Michael walked her into a room at the end of the corridor. He motioned to the bucket that was in the corner of the room. There was a roll of toilet paper too.

That was all that there was in the room, a single bed in one corner and the bucket in another. It was a box room, not that large. There was a hoop ring attached to the wall by her bed, but she never registered what it might be for.

‘Make yourself comfortable. You are going to be here for a while.’ Michael grinned and shut the door as he left. The sound of three deadbolts could be heard locking on the other side of the door. Leaving her alone in the dim lighting of the tiny box room.

#Tom Hiddleston #kidnapping #au!Tom #fan fiction #I Own You #rape/non con #au!Michael Fassbender #au!Luke Evans #au!Chris Evans #gang #boss!Tom

[imagineclaireandjamie]

Can we get more of The Getaway!!

anonymous asked:

What if Claire got pregnant in high school?

The Getaway: Part 5

Claire clicked her pen against the graffiti laden desk. Exam finished, she only needed to wait out another thirty minutes and she’d be free for another day.

Only three more to go, she chanted silently as her stomach twisted.

Gripping the edge of the small exam table, she dipped her head forward, placing her forehead on the cold wood.

The sickness had started only a month before. Claire had awoken, the grip of something painful rolling through her stomach as she’d dashed for the toilet, only just making it in time to lose the contents of her belly.

Since then, Claire had managed to control the vomiting. But now, under the pressure of one of her most important A Levels, the stress was making it hard to counteract the very pressing need.

Putting her hand up, she gripped her waist, struggling to subdue the urge. Her tummy felt hard, oddly so, she noted, waggling her fingers in an awkward attempt at getting the invigilators attention.

On seeing her, the older woman sidled over, a look of intense boredom plastered across her face.

“I need the toilet, please…” Claire begged, swallowing back the need to throw up over her completed paper.

“Can you not wait? It’ll be over soon and you’re free to go as you please.” The lady returned, clearly not wishing to accompany her at this late hour.

“Can’t.” Claire whispered, sweat gathering at the base of her spine as her stomach revolted quietly.

Pursing her lips in frustration, the woman finally acquiesced, tipping her head at the gentleman to the other side of the room and pointed Claire towards the exit.

“You can take it,” Claire sighed, pointing at the completed exam, “I’ve finished.”

Knowing she probably wouldn’t be returning before the end, she felt the need to at least confirm that she didn’t require extra time.

Rushing from the room, Claire then turned on her heel and dashed off in the direction of the toilet, not waiting for the invigilator to catch up.

Throwing the stall door open, she fell to her knees and gripped the cold ceramic, letting her breakfast spew into the bowl below. Bruising her fingers against the cheap plastic, Claire closed her eyes and panted through the agony of her clenched tummy as she retched.

“Excuse me…” came the faint call from the doorway, “Miss, are you alright?”

Obviously abashed at her immediate dismissal of Claire’s need for the bathroom, the woman seemed reticent to enter the ladies room to check on her as Claire mopped the sweat from her brow and shuffled her knees against the bare tiled floor.

“I c-can’t go back in there, I’m sorry.” Claire muttered, letting her head fall against her arm as it lay over the toilet seat. “I honestly have finished, and I just want to go home.”

“Of course, that’s fine. I’ll let your teacher know you completed it and that you were sick. Shall I call your parents to come and collect you?”

“No,” Claire shot back, her brain finally catching up to her body as she ran her free hand over the base of her stomach, “I live close, I can get myself back there safely.”

–

The trip to the local supermarket was a sombre one. Claire thought of Jamie, miles away in Beauly, wishing her was by her side.

Their parting had been difficult. Having had a week to bask in the glow of one another, their journey home had crept up on Claire and Jamie faster than either would have liked. They hadn’t had the time to sneak away for a whole evening again but their final days were spent stealing kisses, holding hands and generally just being around one another. But standing –alone– in the cold supermarket had brought back painful memories of the sombre separation.

She could have plucked her phone from her pocket and called him as she meandered through the almost empty aisles. She could have made him aware. But as she reached out to pick the incriminating packet from the shelf, she knew she couldn’t, in all good conscious, lay such a thing at his feet with only a *feeling* to guide her.

Claire’s fingers shook as she scanned the box through the self-service check-out, the beep ringing in her ears long after she’d keyed her pin, paid and left the store.

At home, she sat on the bathtub, the ridge digging into her bottom as she shook the thin plastic test to and fro, counting down the minutes as stated clearly on the box.

Three minutes for the results to show.

Plus for yes.

Minus for no.

Her heart thudded, her fingers twitching in time with it’s healthy beat.

Breathing out a jagged breath, Claire counted down the last ten seconds, squeezing her eyes closed as her lips quivered.

They had been careful, he’d brought protection for them. Claire kept envisioning it, trying to reason how –but she was forced to admit defeat. It didn’t matter, it *had* happened and now she had to face up to that.

Peeking through one eye, she glanced down at the pregnancy test before throwing the evidence in the sink and bolting for the toilet, just in time for her to retch into the bowl. Bile rose along the back of her throat, her belly empty. Acid filled her mouth as she sobbed, the echo of her cries reverberating off the inside of the loo.

–

Working on autopilot, Claire put the positive test back into its torn box and walked to the end of the street, making sure her parents wouldn’t find the evidence before she’d had time to process the news herself.

Putting the information to the back of her mind, she returned home in a state of shock, her brain barely functioning as she crawled under her thick duvet and buried herself beneath the sheets.

Three exams, that’s all she had left. Then she’d figure out what to do next.

Over the next week, Claire staved off the morning sickness and finished her A Levels. Walking out of the school after her last Chemistry exam, she wandered up the drive and away from the college. But instead of turning left out of the gates, she turned right, making her way to the bus stop that would take her into central Oxford.

Hiking her rucksack onto her shoulders, she avoided the random collection of students that had gathered by the local pub. The last thing she needed was a conversation with her peers.

Unable to afford the price of a train ticket, Claire had decided the overnight bus from London to Glasgow was the only way. That meant enduring the city-hopper from Oxford to London, but at midday on a Thursday, she doubted she would come into contact with anyone else she knew.

Claire had tried on numerous occasions to pick up the phone and call Jamie with the news, but every time she’d chickened out. There was only one way she could deliver the news, and that was face to face.

Pulling her scarf around her neck, she pulled out the emergency credit card her father had given to her and queued for the kiosk.

She hadn’t told her parents anything, her throat seizing as she’d tried to say the words over the dinner table the previous evening.

Instead, she’d left a note addressed to them on the notice board. When she reached Lallybroch she’d let Ellen and Brian call her parents to let them know she was safe. Until that time, however, she needed Jamie to hear it from her first.

Thankfully, the night bus left London Victoria on time and half empty. Claire curled up on the backseat as close to the tiny toilet as possible. Using her coat as a cover, she toed off her shoes and pulled her feet onto the seats. She wasn’t able to lie down, but she could stretch out a little.

As the bright lights faded and the bus merged onto the motorway, driving away from the city, Claire let her eyes close as her head rested against the cool glass. Soon she would be in Glasgow, and she would have to figure out how to –at least– get to Inverness. Rubbing her fingers gently over her very slightly distended tummy, she smiled a little, imagining her tiny visitor.

“We’ll be alright,” she whispered, her unease finally dissipating, “we’ll go and see Daddy, he’ll look after us…I promise.”

#Anonymous #;Mod MBD #The Getaway #Teenagers #Young Jamie and Claire

[taisiakat]

Deck: DreamKeepers Tarot Deck: Roots of Asia

Date: Monday February 11 2019 Topic: Day 42 of the Amazing Journey 2019 - Divine Abundance from the Goddess Card: Queen of Pentacles.

PREFACE Why two of the same cards... I started working on a weekly reading and went and grabbed the Asia deck to do the daily. I just had pulled the Queen of Pentacles from DreamKeepers, and another card that was going to be for the weekly, put it to the side since I was pondering on the focus, and went ahead and pulled from the Roots of Asia deck - The Queen of Pentacles.

So - listening and feeling very deeply profound message needing to come through, I decided to use both cards for this WEEK/DAY

---

Abundance from Mother Earth, Mother Goddess; the basic of all spiritual/human blessings of existence, nourishment, love, dwelling, support, caring, compassion, comfort.

Mother takes us to the ever growing, blossoming, blooming, richness of her spirit. She brings about all you need to be. No more or less.

And that's where this starts. Abundance from the Divine.

We take for granted so many things that we have right at our finger tips, blankets, pillows, sheets, bedding, towels, water running from internal plumbing, soap, shampoo, this list goes on and on and on. Even simple things like toilet paper (of which even for me I have a standard), we are provided for.

Flowers, trees, living creatures surround us, places to go of beauty, areas to rest, relax, unwind.

Even our ability to get fresh produce, food, all comforts.

Somewhere along this industrial and technology growth expansion we stopped sharing these things of abundance as a community once did. We started hoarding, ignoring, even simple gestures of giving change to take care of the poor ended up earmarked with political, racial, gender, economic bias.

As I work on building my business at the same time sharing my wealth of knowledge, wisdom and gifts, I ponder deeply on what is fair value for my time and service...and what is needed to help change the culture or helping someone grow without a price tag attached.

Mother Goddess is now asking us all to start really digging into our beliefs and start thinking how can we best serve our own needs and others as we raise our awareness and bring more mindfulness, more community, more tribe, more support for each of us together.

Remember Mother Goddess surrounds us, guides us, showers us with gifts and abundance.

EXERCISE: Go through your clothes, find a coat, socks, and warm shirt. Go through your toiletries, see if there is something you can donate. Go through your books, supplies, even simple things like pens, pencils and paper. Contact your local homeless shelter - donate to them.

Start supporting your community - even if it is just donating every 3 months items you don't wear, don't use or don't need. These priceless gifts make someone's day much happier, and that act comes back to you 10 fold.

============================================

I do personal readings if you are interested - Please Private Message me for more information and pricing.

If you like what you see - and would like to join me in my Facebook Group Inner Dimensions on Facebook - starting mid February we will be doing an online Mastermind called : Word, Images and Tarot - how to expand your understanding. PM Ronni Eloff for an invite.

#2019 #daily reading #tarot reading #divination #dreamkeepers tarot #roots of asia tarot

[tatooedlaura-blog]

Eleventh Christmas

the series is as follows so far:

First … Second … Third … Fourth … Fifth … Fifth Christmas, Part 2 … Sixth … Seventh … Eighth … Ninth … Tenth … Eleventh … Twelfth … Thirteenth … Fourteenth … Fifteenth … Sixteenth … Seventeenth … Eighteenth … Nineteenth … Twentieth … Twenty-first … Twenty-second … Twenty-third

———————–

They’d been forced to leave northern Minnesota mid-February after Mulder caught one of his bosses staring longer than necessary and asking more personal questions than Mulder deemed appropriate for someone on the run from all kinds of law to be able to answer. Scully had quietly left with him at midnight, walking away from her job, her semi-friends and her identity as Ella Fargas, the nice janitor lady at the high school who hadn’t flinched, regardless of what she had to clean up, which impressed everyone at that school above and below the age of 18.

They’d learned, over the years, to keep everything packed up and ready to go. They didn’t have too many personal possessions but what they had, they didn’t want to lose. Scully’s suitcase contained her clothes, her carved chess set and the ornaments they’d collected while her backpack contained the monstrous medical exam and study book she’d received the previous Christmas from Mulder because ‘he didn’t want her to lose all those smarts she had’. In Mulder’s suitcase and backpack were his laptop which they’d saved months for and gave him access to the world, articles, newspapers, the Internet and forums for everything and anything he wanted to find out. Also, his notebooks, a collection of stolen pens and as he told Scully, a few other odds and ends that were completely and totally useless but completely necessary to life.

They lived out of these bags, two each plus a third large duffel for winter gear, shoes and food in case of quick getaway.

This out-of-suitcase living was now so common place that when Mulder forgot momentarily and hung up his clean shirt in the closet, she gave him a look of such incredulity that he flushed, feeling like he’d cracked their system in half and the world was on the verge of collapse.

Then she smiled at him, taking the shirt from the hanger and folding it, packing it away with the rest of the newly laundered items, “brain farting, as you put it Mulder, is not usually your style. Got something on your mind?”

“Not yet.” Squeezing her hips as he slipped by her, “I’ll tell you if it pans out though, promise.”

Now intrigued, she carried on with her nightly routine, bathing, hair-drying, reading, having Mulder quiz her, volleying back and forth about some whacked-out theory Mulder found online before she asked again, “what are you planning in the brain of yours?”

Poking her side as he lay next to her under the sheets, “hey, a little intrigue is good for us. Keeps the fires alive.”

In one fell swoop, she rolled him over, climbed on top and pushed his shirt up around his neck, “I think our fires are just fine.”

&&&&&&&&&&

They wandered East and West, North and South, back and forth, two days or a week at a time, deciding the comforts of their semi-settled Minnesota existence might not be the best way to go for awhile. It wasn’t until late September that they slowed their ramble, Scully becoming frequently more ill-at-ease with the aimlessness of their journey. She’d made it through almost three years but it was taking its toll. As a couple, they were doing okay, the occasional fight, the occasional silence, the occasional mutterings of ‘jackass’ and ‘pain in my ass’ while both fumed at one another, testing who would crack first and apologize.

But her mind and her spirit were exhausted and it showed, Mulder apologizing more frequently and hugging her more closely than she thought possible.

One morning, huddled safely in a cabin they’d rented in cash, off the beaten path to all but the passing deer hunter, he pulled her towards him, moving the stray blonde hairs from her cheeks, “hey Scully?”

“Unless you have breakfast somewhere in the vicinity of my mouth, don’t wake me up.”

Knowing her just that well, he held up a torn section of cinnamon roll from last night’s dessert, “will this do?”

Eyes still shut, she opened her mouth and accepted the peace offering, sucking the icing off his fingers with a slow, drawn-out lip smack, “yes. What do you want?”

“What would you say to us looking for a place to live, like a real place to live? One with walls and windows and a fridge bigger than a stamp and maybe even more than one toilet.”

He really should have waited until she’d swallowed before dropping this bomb on her and it took a few minutes to dislodge the dough from her lungs, coughing until she cried then calming again from her scary little fit of near-death, “what?”

Mulder could smile now that he knew she wasn’t going to die in front of him, “I was thinking that we could start concocting some kind of story where we’ve gone our separate ways and you would like to come back to the real world and need help finding a house and you could talk to Skinner and see if it’s even possible. Have him feel things out, maybe ask around to know if it would be safe for you to go back to normal.” Sliding her gently back down to lay beside him, “I can’t keep doing this to you. You deserve more than hotel mattresses and living out a suitcase.”

“Mulder …”

“No, I think we should think about this. If it works, then good but if it doesn’t, at least you know we’ll have tried.”

“You … you wouldn’t really leave though, right? You promised.”

“I would be perfectly content to hide in the house all day. I can go running and outside after dark or if we get a place with enough land, I could garden or build stuff, who knows. I just know that I can’t do this to you anymore.”

The thought honestly scared her but in a giddy, good way and kissing him, icing still on her lips, they celebrated the possibility of not having to run anymore.

&&&&&&&&&&&

It was a long process and they were holed up in North Carolina when Christmas arrived, with two feet of snow, windchills in the double negatives and a Mulder-smile, commenting on how it felt just like they were back having their first Christmas together, only naked this time.

Even though it wasn’t Christmas morning, Scully leaned over the edge of the bed and retrieved his gift, “open it. I know it’s early but open please.”

Never arguing with an unclothed Scully had been his personal rule since the first time he’d laid eyes on her perfect breasts and not about to break that rule, he took the gift, unwrapping it with paper flying everywhere, then staring at it in confusion.

It was a clear ornament, one that unscrewed in half, holding a single key.

Opening the orb slowly, he took out the key, never taking his eyes off her, “you have me totally befuddled.”

“That’s one of our house keys.” Now he just looked so totally ‘what?!’ that she smiled, sitting up, wrapping comforter around shoulder before continuing, “the paperwork went through with a little help from Skinner and the real estate lady sent the key to the Post Office box and I picked it up yesterday and thought it would be a pretty good gift.”

For some crazy reason, the fact that she would be in a home again soon, with him, like some sort of kind of a hint of a real family, made tears fill his eyes. Holding it up between them, “we should go look at it now.”

“Um, it’s after 9pm, it’s a three-hour drive and that boatload of snow out there isn’t just for looks. Maybe tomorrow or the next day after they’ve plowed some of the highways but right now, we’d be stuck before we got out of town.”

Impatient to the core, he opened his mouth to argue but she shut him up swiftly, her mouth covering his, her body following. Eventually, exhaustion forced him into sleep, mouth slack, body sated, limbs tangled with hers as he mumbled something about christening the new house as soon as possible.

&&&&&&&&&

Three long days later, they were trudging through snowdrifts higher than Scully, forced to leave the car at the main road while they walked the half-mile to the house. Frozen solid, yet sweating profusely under their winter coats and leggings, they didn’t stop to look at the porch or the shuttered windows but went right inside, shucking off clothing to leave in a heap by the door.

Only when they were stripped down to jeans and thermal shirts did they look around.

This time is was Scully crying, stepping up the stairs a few feet to grab him in a proper hug, squeezing his neck until he choked out a laugh and she lightened her grip. Burying his face in the side of her neck, “welcome home.” A few minutes later, he peeled away from her, holding up a finger to keep her in place, which she obeyed with open wonderment. Watching him carefully remove a box from his jacket pocket, he held it up to her, still in its Christmas paper, “I would have given you this on Christmas morning but decided to wait until we got here.”

Intrigued, she ripped the paper, opened the box then removed a clear glass Christmas bulb. Without looking or reading the words on it, she looked at him, “you stole my idea.”

“Actually, Dana Scully, you stole mine. I’ve been waiting since October, when we decided to find the house.”

The Dana made her grin, the Scully made her warm from head to toe but the gift made her speechless. Inside, on a bunch of pulled apart cotton balls, sat a simple, gold band, a small, deep red-purple stone set with a small diamond on either side. Stomach officially all over the map and brain forgetting how to speak, she turned the bulb slowly, reading, “will you marry me?” and the year, Mulder’s script careful and precise in its sloppy familiarity.

She couldn’t answer. She couldn’t breathe. She could, however, feel her heart thudding against her ribs, painfully strong and erratic as all hell. The only thing she could do was stare, the tears blurring things before they fell but in between watery visions, she could see Mulder clear as day, across from her, perfect as anything in the world and all hers.

“Yes.”

The answer shot out towards him like a bullet, fast, sharp, crisp and unmistakable.

He laughed, truly afraid for a moment she was either going to faint, explode or most scary of them all, say ‘no’. Taking the ornament from her, he opened it, slipped the ring on her finger then held up the words to her again, “sure about your answer to this?”

This time her ‘yes’ was whispered in his ear.

#keeping the fires alive #fast sharp crisp and unmistakable #msr #christmas series #my writing #xfiles fanfic #xf fanfic

[moviemagistrate]

2016 Movie Year in Review

All the 2016 movies I saw, ranked from worst to best, with superlatives in the end.

Notes: 

1. I apologize for some of these reviews being half-assed. I went a bit overboard with this and at a certain point just wanted to be done.

2. Thank you for reading this. Even if you don’t read it all, just pretend that you did and tell me how great I am. I love validation.

3. If you disagree with any of my reviews, please tell me, so I can explain precisely why your taste is shit. I also welcome regular discussion.

91. Diablo – In what was a recurring theme in 2016, I saw this under-the-radar Western despite its’ shitty reviews. I was never one to let critics influence my own opinion on something, and I figured that Scott (son of Clint) Eastwood’s Western debut with a supporting performance from personal-fave Walton Goggins couldn’t be that bad. Well, if it’s completely forgotten about and accomplishes nothing else (it already has been and it doesn’t), “Diablo” shows that even the majority of people can sometimes be totally, totally right.

This film is about a young Civil War veteran whose sexy wife gets kidnapped and he goes out on a journey to rescue her. Along the way, we start to realize that the motivations in the kidnapping and the rescue aren’t so simple, etc. The premise is decent and it starts out well (with one hell of an entrance for Eastwood’s character) but the longer the movie goes on, the exponentially faster it falls apart.

This is one of the most poorly-made and ineptly-written actual movies I’ve ever seen. It’s kind of like an Ed Wood flick minus the schlocky charm. None of the characters in this movie act or talk like actual human beings. It’d be surreal if it felt intentional. I’ve written better screenplays on toilet paper, and I don’t mean with a pen. The dialogue is awful and often goes nowhere, the direction is confusing, guns are shot with zero recoil (a personal trigger for me, no pun intended), the acting (even from good actors like Goggins and Danny Glover) sucks, the plot twist is retarded and obvious from a minute into the movie, and I’m willing to bet that even the catering for this film wasn’t that great either.

If Scott Eastwood wants a future in Westerns (or movies in general), I would ask/bribe/intimidate everyone who saw this film to sign a non-disclosure agreement, which shouldn’t be hard since so few people saw it. “Diablo” has nice intentions, but intentions will only get you so far when everyone involved in the creative process is so inept at their job that they make Sony/Warner Bros. executives look almost competent. It’s would all be hilarious if it wasn’t so damn dull. It feels a bit mean giving my bottom spot to a tiny, independent movie with almost no release when there’s plenty of studio-produced garbage to choose from (more on that shortly), but trust me, even in a shitty year for film like 2016, “Diablo” deserves it.

Nice cinematography, though.

90. Suicide Squad – I’m probably going to spoil parts of the movie here. I also probably won’t proofread this review after I finish writing it. I don’t care, honestly, because just thinking about the aptly-named “Suicide Squad” makes me lose the will to live.

I went into this film expecting it to be garbage even before the negative reviews started pouring in. When I heard that Warner Bros. were planning massive reshoots and rewrites to “make the movie more light-hearted”, a million red flags went up for me. It’s one thing to add in a few additional shots or lines, but WB wanted to fundamentally alter the film’s DNA, while still retaining much of the original footage. The result isn’t so much a new film but rather two films horrifically Frankensteined together, not unlike last year’s “Fantastic Four” (how’s that for a comparison?) The first half is atrocious. It’s just a series of introductions to the main cast that all feel like badly-edited music videos. EVERY. GODDMAN. SCENE in the first half of the movie has some really out-of-place popular song that is not only groan-inducing but also doesn’t fit the tone of the scene in most cases. Slipknot doesn’t even get one of these introductions (not that it matters much since he’s killed off about 10 minutes after we first meet him). His intro amounts to another character saying the funniest line of the movie; “That’s Slipknot. He can climb ANYTHING.” Whoa, watch out for this bad motherfucker.

I don’t know how much of this you can blame on the reshoots, but the plot is fundamentally retarded, as well. Putting aside the basic idea that the contingency plan for a rogue god-like superhero is just a small team of criminals with guns and melee weapons, only two of whom have actual powers, the story progression beats are just plain dumb. The main villain is an all-powerful witch that was supposed to be on the squad but escapes because the government was very lenient in looking after her. Upon being rescued, Viola Davis’ government higher-up kills her subordinates because they “didn’t have clearance” or something like that, even though it was literally their job to help her run everything. At one point, the Joker shows up, takes Harley Quinn away from the squad, only to crash and die (but not really), and she just returns a minute later. In wanting to show his trust, the soldier in charge of the Squad smashes his explosion-app phone, and allows them to leave if they want to. In the ONLY genuinely funny moment in the movie, comic relief character Captain Boomerang wordlessly gets up and leaves. In a move I will never forgive Warner Bros. for, he just returns unceremoniously a minute later (there might be a boomerang joke there, but that’s giving the script too much credit). During the climax, the Squad has a fight with the witch, during which no one even gets hurt so it feels pretty pointless, before she says to stop and tries to coax them into joining her by making them envision and promising them their greatest desires (once again wasting the character’s potential, Captain Boomerang’s is never shown).

The characters might have been the saving grace, but they are all handled incredibly poorly. Despite being “bad guys” (which they verbally remind each other and the audience throughout), they are more like quirky Guardians of the Galaxy-esque heroes, spouting quips and doing the right thing even when it’s against their supposed nature. El Diablo makes sense, as he’s trying to repent for his sins, but why do the rest of them have morals? Why, during Diablo’s story about how he accidentally killed his family, does Harley Quinn un-ironically give him a “how could you do such a monstrous thing?” reaction. What little character development any of them have feels rushed and/or forced, where by the end they are willing to sacrifice themselves for each other and calling themselves a “family” despite having only met a few hours earlier and only exchanged a few quips here and there. Where they could have made genuinely interesting characters by making the main-characters actual villainous anti-heroes who act against the government even while working for them, Warner Bros. just made them typical Marvel heroes, spouting typical Marvel quips while killing typical Marvel cannon-fodder enemies and trying to close a typical Marvel sky portal that can destroy the world or whatever it was supposed to do, except doing it all worse. It doesn’t help that Captain Boomerang, Killer Croc, Katana, and even Joker are all useless and have literally no practical purpose for being in the plot.

How do you fuck up a movie so badly that even Will Smith can’t save it? Smith is one of the few good things about this movie, basically playing his typical leading-man Will Smith persona but he’s so charismatic and likable that you can’t help but feel bad for him for being in this dreck. The rest of the cast is a mixed bag. Margot Robbie has the potential to play a good Harley Quinn, but none of her jokes work (a combination of her delivery and the awful script) and as mentioned before, she’s written to be way too sympathetic. Jai Courtney (Boomerang) had the career-first potential to be good here, but is barely used and what little comic relief he provides is squandered. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (who I was actually looking forward to in this movie) has only like 6 lines as Killer Croc underneath all that makeup, and all of them make him sound like a black stereotype; as a favor for accomplishing the mission at the end, he asks for BET in his cell, which is a step above asking for fried chicken and grape-drank, so at least there’s that. The guy playing El Diablo is alright. The actors playing Col. Flagg and Katana are forgettable. Oscar-nominee Viola Davis is actually pretty bad as the government head of the squad, looking bored throughout and giving stilted line-deliveries while failing to be intimidating. Cara Delevingne (in her witch form) looks and talks like a particularly poorly-written Game of Thrones character, and is probably the least intimidating villain I’ve ever seen in a comic book movie. Ben Affleck is in the movie for like, a minute. That’s all there is to him.

And how can I forget Jared Leto’s performance as Joker? No seriously, how? Please tell me. He decided that playing the most famous bad guy in comic history would be to act like a Tourette-afflicted edgy teenager who rebels against his upper-class parents by shopping at Hot Topic. At least he was entertainingly cringe-worthy, unlike most of the movie, which is just the regular kind. Who knows, maybe in all that cut footage of him lies a good performance or character arc, but he seems less like a demented criminal mastermind and more like the type of person who would giggle maniacally to himself after tearing the tag off of his mattress. Also, if there’s a word for the introduction version of an anti-climax, Joker’s first appearance in the film is exactly that.

In summary, the acting ranges from decent to bad, the characters are weak, the writing is abysmal, the plot is nonsensical, the tone is all over the place, the music choices are head-drillingly irritating, the action scenes are dull to the point where I zoned out quite a bit during them, and all-in-all a movie that should’ve been stylish and cool is just drab and embarrassing. I know that director David Ayer is better than this (and that he didn’t even have any say in the final edit) and I’m sure there’s a decent cut of this film somewhere, so instead of blaming him I’m going to blame Warner Bros., a studio that gives Sony Pictures a run for their money in terms of sheer incompetency. They’re in such a hurry to catch up to Marvel that they forgot to properly set up their universe and don’t even have a clear vision for what they want to accomplish, story-wise. Say what you will about the MCU and how formulaic a lot of their movies are, but at least Kevin Feige has a vision for his series and makes it work. WB saw the less-than-ideal performance of “Batman v Superman”, panicked, and butchered Ayer’s film to try and make it appeal to as many people as possible, ultimately appealing to no one.

Hell, give Zack Snyder the reigns to the DCEU. He’s not without his flaws, but he’s the closest thing to an auteur working in superhero films today and he’s infinitely more competent in telling a story than the hacks who edited the “Suicide Squad” I saw in theaters. Who is the real Suicide Squad? Is it the team of “bad guys” in the movie? Or is it the audience who is forced to endure this piece of shit? If there is justice, it will be the executives at Warner Bros. who should be forced by shareholders to commit ritualistic suicide live on The CW following “Arrow”

Or just punched in the stomach.

89. Ghostbusters – A “Ghostbusters” reboot is the most politically divisive film of 2016. It’s things like this that make me wonder if we’ve lost our way as a culture. Why people got so up in arms over the casting is beyond me. Personally, I think that anyone who condemns or praises a film solely because of the sex of its leads should be sterilized. But for months ahead of release, I saw almost nonstop articles, Tweets, and arguments about “misogyny” and “the patriarchy” and “raped childhoods” in regards to a silly comedy about people who hunt ghosts, and I started to wonder if it was actually a bad thing that the Chinese will soon take over the West (not that the Chinese would ever allow this film to be released, because Commies are afraid of ghosts or something like that).

It should come as no surprise to anyone with the slightest bit of rationality and foresight, however, that all this controversy would amount to nothing because the film is just a dull, unimaginative slog. I was expecting the movie to be shit because writer/director Paul Feig is a hack who never should have moved past television comedies, and Sony Pictures is a major movie studio run by a bunch of chimps with Down’s Syndrome, and apparently I’m better at pattern recognition than most. But honestly, I can’t even get worked up about “Ghostbusters” because it was just so boring. It never reached the point of being offensively bad like “Suicide Squad”, but this movie doesn’t really have anything going for it either. The lead actresses are fine, and could do well if they had some decent material to work with, but they aren’t funny enough to carry a very improv-heavy feature length film by themselves. A good improvised bit can be like a nice sprinkling of cinnamon on a tasty dessert, but “Ghostbusters” felt like eating several spoonfuls of cinnamon straight from the container. This felt like a modern-day SNL sketch arduously stretched out to two hours.

The improv could have worked if the leads had actual characters to work with, but each one is given just one personality trait (Leslie Jones is scared, Kate McKinnon is koooooky, Kristen Wiig is insecure, and Melissa McCarthy is…there), and they often break their trait for their banter where they constantly try to say funny things and tell jokes, making them feel like a bad college comedy-troupe instead of actual characters. Paul Feig didn’t even bother with any character development; just one forced scene where the animosity between Wiig and McCarthy’s characters, that’s forgotten within 15 minutes, is finally brought up again in the last 5. After a point, I started to feel bad for the cast. I know that McKinnon, Wiig, and McCarthy can do better than this (and have), and even Leslie Jones (who was the worst part of the trailer but is surprisingly the only likable and believable character in the film) deserves more than what she’s given. The only somewhat funny character was the mayoral aide who privately supports the team while publically insulting and condemning them.

As with Paul Feig’s other films, the plot is thin as can be (four women team up to investigate ghosts, start their own business, and before you know it, all hell breaks loose), and it feels very disjointed, with a lot of scenes feeling like they could be put in different orders and it wouldn’t make a difference. As a result, the film fails to properly ramp up in terms of stakes and motivations. There are set-ups without payoffs, and payoffs to things that were never really set up. And of course Feig can’t shoot action or comedy for shit, to the point where even a gifted physical comic like McCarthy looks like she’s lightly swinging at air in her fight scenes. He also clearly misses the R-rating he’s had so far in his feature films, where the lack of jokes is exacerbated without the crutch of swearing to lean on. Plus, as typical of a Sony Pictures movie, there’s enough forced product placement on display to make Michael Bay blush.

The lowest points of the film are the cutesy references to the original film and cameos from the original cast, with the absolute nadir being a scene with a Bill Murray who looks like he’s wondering if it’d be faster to run away from the film set (that he was sued into being on) or to slit his own throat. This just points to a studio product that plays it so safe and close to the original that it doesn’t have any identity of its own, and funnily enough, the gender-swapping of the lead roles is the only decent idea it has to differentiate itself.

As I said before, this wasn’t terrible or painful to watch (possible because I was already detached very early in the movie, but still). I got two chuckles, one from Jones and one from Chris Hemsworth, and a handful of snorts here and there. The CGI, sets, and prop-design are all colorful and surprisingly solid. But the overall movie is just mediocre and a chore to sit through. I normally don’t write lengthy reviews for comedies because there are only so many ways to say something isn’t funny, but the 2016 “Ghostbusters” just isn’t funny, and all the controversy that was brewed up (it wouldn’t surprise me if Sony manufactured the hateful reactions to the trailers themselves to drum up publicity) ultimately led to another one of the same bland, cash-grab remakes that Hollywood has been pumping out for the last several years. Now I may be a sexist, chauvinistic white cis-het misogynist shitlord, but I think the movie-going public deserves better than this, even those dumb bitc…[REDACTED]

88. The Neon Demon - A 16-year-old girl moves to LA to become a model, and finds quick success due to her good looks (and we know she looks good because none of the other characters, including her, ever stop mentioning it), but soon after finds herself succumbing to her own hubris and the jealousy of those around her. That’s literally the entire plot of the movie, minus some of the dirty specifics. Then again, you don’t see a Nicholas Winding Refn for the plot. As can be expected from any of his post-Drive films, characters speak very obvious dialogue with remarkably long pauses, they stare off into the distance a lot (even when just looking into a mirror), jarring ultraviolence occurs, and pretty red-and-blue lighting abounds.

I found NWR’s particular brand of violent, brightly colored autism amusing up to a point, but after a while, it became increasingly grating. Part of that is that the movie as a whole just feels kind of pointless. Thematically it’s quite obvious; the modeling world exploits young women, and said women are also jealous, catty bitches (at least, that’s the impression I got from Refn). But why the fuck is this movie two hours long? So much of the film is just NWR indulging in all of his trademark filming techniques at the expense of making interesting characters. Yes, there are plenty of striking visuals with their fair share of obvious symbolism, but that’s pretty much all there is to it. Much of the movie is filmed like a modeling session or a runway show (which is probably intentional), but there comes a point where you just want to shout “YES, I GET THE GODDAMN POINT, ALREADY.” After about an hour in, I just wanted it to end and couldn’t really care about what happened next. In what seemed like an attempt to rope me back in, the last 40 minutes or so is when the twisted and violent stuff starts happening, but I was less shocked and more annoyed and disgusted by what I was seeing.

The cast is alright, I suppose. The performances from Bella Heathcote and Abbey Lee as the two models that become jealous of the main character are fun and biting. Keanu Reeves is surprisingly entertaining as a sleazy motel manager. As much as I hated that one particular scene with Jena Malone (you’ll know it when it happens), I commend her for being so committed to her performance to actually pull that scene off. Everyone else kind of just occupies that NWR character spectrum that exists somewhere between ethereal and autistic (leaning much closer to the latter in this film).

I hate it when people say the stuff I dislike about a movie is done intentionally. Was my boredom intentional? If, however, the prospect of having Nicholas Winding Refn slowly jerking himself off in your face for two hours while maintaining unblinking eye contact with synth music playing in the background sounds like your cup of tea, then “The Neon Demon” will satisfy your unusually specific fetish, you weirdo.

87. Triple 9 – Have you ever seen an urban police drama? Congrats, you’ve already seen “Triple 9”. Basically, there is a squad of crooked Atlanta cops who plan to rob a government building with some criminals in order to appease a mob wife (hammed-up by Kate Winslet in what could possibly be her first bad performance), and they aim to simultaneously stage the murder of a fellow cop across town so there would be little resistance during their robbery. There are ride-alongs, roughing up of suspects, lots of swearing, drug use, betrayals, etc. Pretty much every “gritty” urban crime movie cliché since the ‘90s is in this film, and very little of it is interesting. The movie only really comes alive during its action sequences. The opening bank robbery and mid-film raid especially are expertly crafted and are genuinely exciting. However, they (and a wonderful little cameo from Michael K. Williams) are the film’s only highlights, and the only other thing “Triple 9” is noteworthy for is having such a talented cast and wasting them on such been-there-done-that material. It’s not an ordeal to get through; it holds your attention and it’s thankfully not as edgy as I feared, but between the dull plot, lame dialogue, and unlikable, two-dimensional characters, “Triple 9” is more of a Single 5 (out of 10).

86. The Invitation – A man named Will, who looks like a cross between Jesus and Tom Hardy, brings his new girlfriend to a dinner party set up by his long-estranged ex-wife and her new husband. Things start to get weird when they begin talking a lot about a spirituality group they’re a part of, and Will’s paranoia over their strange behavior is made worse when all of his friends seem to accept it with no problem. I went into watching this movie with little to no expectations, and those expectations were steadily raised by the performances and direction, and it all got pissed away at the end. For a while, it seemed like a really good drama with a genuinely interesting exploration of grief, but without spoiling anything, in the third act it became the EXACT movie I was really hoping it wouldn’t become. I’m sure most people won’t have the problem with this movie that I did, and the good actors and Karyn Kusama’s strong directing (she expertly builds tension and creates a great sense of space) keep it going for the most part, even despite how dumb and illogical a lot of the characters are. But I was just so disappointed by the schlock it became that it just left a bad taste in my mouth. Accept this “Invitation” if you want, but I’m staying home instead.

85. Swiss Army Man – Look, I give it points for originality, but this was never going to be my kind of movie. It’s the kind of premise and cast (Paul Dano uses Daniel Radcliffe’s magical farting corpse to get back to civilization while learning about life) that seemed destined to be “baby’s first high-concept indie film”. I saw it because I wanted to give it a chance anyway, and while it’s not without its merits (a good deal of creativity, two committed performances, and plenty of visual flair), the endless grossout humor, montages, and really ham-fisted explanation of themes and character development wore me down to the point where I just didn’t care by the end. I would have liked for the movie to have a more straight-faced approach to the situation, which I think would have underlined the absurd humor present. Instead, we have the kind of ironic whimsy one would get if they saw a bunch of Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry films and completely missed the point. I also would have liked a darker and more realistic ending, one that would actually feel like a culmination of the themes of loneliness and isolation the movie wouldn’t shut the fuck up about. As you might have guessed, the tone is all over the place, too.

If you like this movie, that’s fine. But “Swiss Army Man” is certainly not 2deep4me, and if there is any point I missed in watching it, I don’t care enough to re-watch it. Someone told me that a lot the things I found annoying about this film are intentional. Well, intentionally annoying is still. Fucking. Annoying.

84. Elvis & Nixon – The premise for this movie is really neat. On a December morning in 1970, Elvis Presley strolls up to the White House to request an emergency meeting with Richard Nixon and convince the President to swear him in as an undercover agent, leading to one of the most famous photos in U.S. history. The execution: not so great. The main problem is that the actual meeting is only the last 15-or-so minutes of the movie. The lead-up involves Elvis and his manager’s efforts to actually set up the meeting with Nixon’s staff, while Nixon is hesitant about allowing it. There is way too much stuff about the manager and his family, and Nixon’s staff. It’s not a lot of screentime, but it’s stuff/people you don’t care about in the slightest and is too much by definition (no offense to Colin Hanks, but he should really stick to TV). A lot of this stuff could have been replaced by more Elvis/Nixon, or just cut out entirely, since even at 87 minutes, the film’s length is stretched out.

Luckily, the movie is saved by the outstanding talents playing the titular characters. Michael Shannon as the King and Kevin Spacey as Tricky Dick are so good that they go beyond mere caricatures and actually feel like they embody the historical figures, even if the material is rather light. Much of the movie’s focus is on Shannon’s Elvis, and he easily holds the film together, even though you wish there was more of Nixon. The meeting between the two is of course the highlight of the movie, a wonderful stranger-than-fiction moment of history that would have made a pretty good short film. Here’s hoping for an exploitation-style sequel where they team up to fight evil drug fiends, because they deserve a movie as fun and unique as they are.

83. The Little Prince – Full confession: I wrote this review a couple of months after actually seeing “The Little Prince” on Netflix and I barely remember anything about it. I remember thinking it was a nice little animated film with a nice message about not forgetting your childhood spirit and imagination and sense of wonder as you grow up. I remember thinking that the CGI animation was nothing special (it was animated in France with a modest budget, so I won’t complain), but the stop-motion sequences were pretty impressive. I remember chuckling a few times and getting the feels once or twice.

It’s alright, from what I recall, so check it out if you like. I’m sorry if you’re a big fan of “The Little Prince” and were hoping for a more in-depth and detailed review, but I genuinely had a hard time remembering stuff about this film, which (considering the film’s message and key themes) is pretty ironic.

82. Jack Reacher: Never Go Back – I was going to make a superlative at the end of this list for “most generic”, but I realized nothing came close to this Tom Cruise action thriller. This movie is so relentlessly generic that it almost feels intentional, like a satire of one of those mediocre 90’s thrillers that are shown endlessly on cable, probably as a double-feature with “U.S. Marshals”. Tom Cruise has never made a bad movie, but this is easily one of his worst ones. Typical conspiracy thriller plot from the type of shitty airport-bookstore paperback novels that boring middle-aged people enjoy (and that these movies are adapted from). Noteworthy only for the scenes with Cruise’s maybe-daughter and their dynamic, something that feels like it’s from a different movie altogether but funnily enough is the only stuff that actually works. Not terrible in any way, but this is something for a lazy Sunday afternoon or to have on in the background while you do something more interesting like ironing your clothes or vacuuming dog hair from underneath the sofa.

81. Gods of Egypt – Who would have thought that a silly fantasy movie about ancient Egyptian deities would be such a beacon for controversy the way it was prior to release? (The controversy was swiftly forgotten about, as it usually happens). Don’t get me wrong, whitewashing is certainly an issue in Hollywood, but in a film where 10-foot-tall, golden-blooded gods rule over a flat Earth consisting entirely of Egypt while Ra, the God of the Sun, rides around in a magic spaceship taking potshots at a giant space worm all day, complaining about historical inaccuracy is a bit silly. Regardless of what ancient Egyptians actually looked like, any attempt at historical realism would just be jarring and out-of-place here.

Gerard Butler and Chadwick Boseman hamming it up as the evil Set and smarmy Thoth are fun, as is Geoffrey Rush as Ra. Shame that the rest of the cast is as dull and forgettable as they are. The CGI quality is in the halfway-point between “good” and “Syfy movie-tier”. It’s not exactly convincing, but it’s pretty and colorful enough that you don’t need too much suspension of disbelief. Tonally and stylistically, the movie harkens back to those cheesy low-budget fantasy films from the 80’s (if not in budget and star-power). I particularly love how the human girl love interest is portrayed as an innocent girl-next-door-y type, but her massive, barely-contained rack is prominent in almost every frame she’s on screen.

The only major detrimental flaw (and it’s kind of a big one) is that “Gods of Egypt” feels about 20-30 minutes too long. It just doesn’t have the narrative strength or filmmaking energy to sustain its’ running time. If it was edited down (particularly the parts with the young, discount-Orlando Bloom main human character), it’d be a reasonably fun movie. Still, I appreciated “Gods of Egypt” for its goofily-sincere throwback spirit, and nothing about it was painful to watch. Not god-like, but not god-awful either.

80. High-Rise – It’s difficult for me to review a film like “High-Rise”, because while there’s a great deal I admire about the film, the overall experience just felt hollow and repetitive to me. It’s about a young doctor who moves into a fancy 1970’s London high-rise, a self-sustained building with many luxuries intended to provide equal quality of housing to all its inhabitants, where mounting tensions between tensions between the upper and lower floors eventually give way to literal class warfare (subtle). While the first half of the movie is engaging, as the doctor maneuvers through all the social groups and meets a lot of the residents, the second half where the actual fighting starts lost me pretty quickly. None of the characters behave like normal human beings, which makes it hard to be invested in their conflict. While there’s some maintenance issues and disrespect in the building, it’s not clear why they all descend into savagery so quickly. I guess it’s something we’re just supposed to accept (human nature, man), but I feel like a more prolonged slide into chaos would have helped the movie, especially since the second half is just repetitive “one side does bad shit to the other, while the doctor tries to stay out of it” nonsense.

While I don’t buy any of the characters, the cast is strong and they play these caricatures with great conviction. I actually love the aesthetics of the movie; the set design, lighting, camerawork, etc. all being very striking and creative. Director Ben Wheatley’s talent here is evident, even if I stopped caring about the material after a while. I get that this movie is intended to be satire, so a lot of my complaints about the movie could be something that someone else would enjoy because it was all intentional, man. Maybe you’ll get more out of it than I did, but to me it was just a pretty and well-acted slog.

79. Lion

White saviors

Inspirational piano-heavy music the occasionally remembers to throw in some foreign flavor

A cute kid

A solid performance from a minority actor (Dev Patel)

A former Oscar winner who cries a bunch (Nicole Kidman)

A well-intentioned but kind of condescending depiction of another culture

Over-reliance on fish-out-of-water humor

Really obvious plot beats and recurring elements

An attempt to depict “realism” in poverty but watering it down for a PG-13 rating,

A happy/emotional ending

“Based on a true story”

Ending text that not only says what happened to the real-life figures with photos and video, but also includes a statistic about missing children in India and how this film is helping to fix the problem while a pop song by Sia plays.

I know this was based on a true story, but it’s like the fucking Academy themselves made this movie.

78. Independence Day: Resurgence – Roland Emmerich is like a more boring Michael Bay. Many of his films are little more than special effects showcases, dragged down by stock characters and awful writing. Oftentimes, the stupidity on display in a Roland Emmerich movie goes past the point of fun and becomes downright insulting to the audience. Charitably put, the man’s kind of a hack., but even a broken hack is right twice a career (sort of). The first time was 1996’s “Independence Day”, one of the most famous movies of the 90’s and a fun piece of cheese in its own right. The second time was 2016’s long-awaited (by nobody) “Independence Day: Resurgence”*. I don’t wish to imply that “Revengeance” is high-art or anything, but if you’re in the right frame of mind, it’s a simple and comfortably enjoyable flick.

A big part of that is that it’s never insultingly stupid. It’s not smart or anything, but it goes about its business without giving anyone a headache. The characters aren’t deep, but they’re likable enough for the audience to enjoy following them and for possibly the first time in Emmerich’s career, they’re not irritating. “Revolutions” is sincere in its goal to entertain, and displays enough self-awareness to get the audience to relax, like when Jeff Goldblum cheekily comments “They like to get the landmarks” during the film’s main destruction sequence. There’s also some hilariously goofy dialogue like “The ship will touch down over the Atlantic.” --> “Which part?” --> “ALL of it.” There’s a little bit of Chinese pandering (including that juice-box filled with milk or some shit that I keep seeing in these movies), but not enough to annoy, and weirdly it suits the theme of different nationalities banding together.

The cast is fine, but really nothing special. Goldblum is enjoyable because he seems constantly aware of the kind of schlock he’s in, but “Regurgitation” is sorely missing Will Smith, who is more charismatic than all the new cast members combined. When Bill Pullman is giving the best performance, your film isn’t going to win any acting awards. One other thing that I personally really missed was David Arnold, whose score for the 1996 film is one of my favorite film scores of that decade, and the only time the soundtrack for this one comes alive is when it occasionally reprises his majestic themes.

In summary, if you’re looking for something original or high-brow, look elsewhere, but if you just want to kill a few hours and seeing a diverse** group of attractive, multinational humans band together to fight aliens warms your heart a little bit in these cynical times, then “Independence Day: Redemption” will scratch that particular itch.

* I also admit to enjoying “White House Down”

**by diverse I mean black, white, Chinese, and Jeff Goldblum.

77. X-Men: Apocalypse - There's a bit in "X-Men: Apocalypse" where the younger characters go see "Return of the Jedi" and one of them comments on how the third movie of the trilogy is always the worst.

How prophetic that line turned out to be.

Not that X-Men: Apocalypse is a bad movie, but it’s definitely closer to Brett Ratner’s “X-Men: The Last Stand” than it is to Bryan Singer’s previously strong entries in the franchise. This is definitely one of those “you take the good with the bad” situations. This is a really inconsistent (tonally and otherwise) movie, so instead of writing a repetitive “this is good, but this isn’t” review, I’ll just list off the positives and negatives and leave it up to you to decide if it’s worth watching or not. This will include some spoilers, but you’re not missing much and the canon in these movies is a complete mess anyway. I’ll say that I was entertained, sometimes genuinely and sometimes ironically, for most of the film, so take that how you will.

The Good:

Evan Peters’ Quicksilver, who steals the second X-Men movie in a row

The Quicksilver mansion scene

Nice visuals

Good soundtrack

The early scenes in Poland

The Wolverine cameo

The Bad:

Nightcrawler being wasted despite being one of the best parts of Singer’s “X2”

Jennifer Lawrence is clearly phoning it in

The film does nothing fun with the 1980s setting

Oscar Isaac is wasted on a generic “I’m going to destroy the world and only the strong shall remain” villain.

Storm joins Apocalypse’s gang for like no reason, then switches sides pretty abruptly during the climax

Olivia Munn’s Psylocke has like, one or two lines the whole movie

For the third movie in a row, Magneto becomes the bad guy because he’s Magneto

For the third movie in a row, Professor X gives Magneto the “You don’t have to do this, there is still good in you” speech.

I know it’s the key theme of the franchise, but to hear these characters complain about mutant rights and discrimination is getting tiring after so many movies

It’s two-and-a-half hours long

The Funny:

Nightcrawler’s makeup

Everyone in the movie keeps saying how important Mystique is when this is the most useless and unnecessary her character has ever been.

After killing like, millions of people during the climax, they just let Magneto go, with Professor X telling him “I’ll see you around, old friend”

The characters are 20 years older than they were in “X-Men: First Class”, but all still look like they’re in their 20s or early 30’s.

That scene where Professor X beats up Apocalypse in his mind

Coca-Cola product placement

Magneto destroying Auschwitz

76. The Finest Hours – “The Finest Hours” is a period disaster/rescue drama about a small 1950’s Cape Cod Coast Guard team’s attempts to rescue the crew of an oil tanker after their ship gets Titanic’d by a major storm, and it’s as old-fashioned a movie as it gets, even to a fault. It’s a refreshingly straightforward film. I liked the community/teamwork-focused buildup, as we get to know Chris Pine’s Coast Guardsman, his love interest, and the crew of the ship before the disaster hits. I liked the scenes on the water the most, the experience of them struggling to clear the huge waves during the heavy weather is actually pretty harrowing. I liked the warm tone and the understated heroism.

There’s really not much to this film. I feel like it’s a bit too safe and predictable and not as white-knuckle exciting as I’d hoped. I wasn’t a fan of how the movie kept cutting back to the generic worries of the people on the shore, and the only things in this film thicker than the nostalgia ah the faahkin New England ahhccents. Still, I enjoyed it. It’s not a first-rate vessel, but it stays afloat.

75. Warcraft – I’ll start this by saying that I’m not a Warcraft fan and have never played any of the games. With that out of the way…

"Warcraft" is the nerdiest movie I think I've ever seen. It was so geeky, I felt like watching and enjoying it gave me my virginity back. This movie was made for Warcraft fans and literally nobody else (maybe the Chinese, but they're an easy-to-please bunch).

I actually really admire that. In an age where almost all blockbusters are watered-down, homogenized garbage made by people who seek maximum profit by catering to the largest possible demographic, seeing Universal Pictures take such a risk and sinking $160 million (plus marketing) into a film so niche and nerdy warms my heart. A movie that tries to please everybody pleases nobody in particular, and I'm happy for the Warcraft nerds for having their own cinematic moment.

The movie itself is kind of a mess, however. Even putting aside the stuff you probably need to be a WC fan to understand, the pacing is wonky, the script is weak, most of the human cast is bland, the editing sucks, and it ends very anticlimactically. While Duncan Jones (who is the main reason I saw this movie) pulls off some impressive visuals and great moments, the movie for the most part lacks the epic feel you’d expect in a big-budget fantasy movie. I was able to follow the basic story, but I was definitely lost at times, and remembered like, 3 or 4 of the characters’ names by the time the movie ended.

“Warcraft” certainly has its positives, however. While most of the human cast is underwritten or boring, Travis Fimmel and Ben Foster are both quite good in their roles, easily standing out from their cardboard cut-out castmates. The orcs won the lottery on their actors, all of whom play the orcs with such conviction that they feel more believable than most of their human counterparts. Even the writing was better during the orc scenes, weirdly. Speaking of believable, the special effects on display are fantastic. Between the amazing-looking orcs, the magic effects and the scenery, the CG artists have definitely earned their paychecks on this one. The battle scenes were fun, and (THANK GOD) shot clearly without using shaky-cam or fast editing, those two errant turds on the delicious pie of most action films. It’s also nice to see a movie that seems like it was created out of love and affection by people who actually care for the franchise, and who don’t feel the need to make it ironic or quippy.

While I mentioned that the writing is weak (most characters are frustratingly undeveloped and there are lots of important-sounding proper nouns that left me scratching my head), I see plenty of room for improvement, and with more refinement and focus, I can see a great sequel arising from this. I genuinely hope this franchise continues, because even though it’s not my thing and certainly not without its weaknesses, I enjoyed it for the most part and it feels like such a refreshing medicine to the disease of bland, corporate modern blockbusters that I don’t mind the odd taste or that the spoon is made from frozen fanboy wank.

74. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows – I admit to being one of the few people that liked the Michael Bay-produced 2014 TMNT reboot, so I was also one of the few people looking forward to this year’s generically-subtitled sequel. I’m happy to say that as incremental as it may be, OOTS is a definite improvement. It feels less like the factory-assembled reboot typical of Hollywood attempts to cash in on nostalgic properties, and feels more in line with the original cartoon series. No longer is charisma-vacuum Megan Fox the main character; she is relegated to supporting duties, and the turtles (still enthusiastically played by their mo-cap actors) take center stage. This movie does the typical sequel thing where it includes more villains than the first, but all of them (besides Shredder, who is little more than a cameo) are surprisingly entertaining and never outstay their welcome. Tyler Perry is delightful as a mad scientist, as are the two guys who play man-beasts Bebop and Rocksteady. “Arrow” star Stephen Amell is clearly having a blast as vigilante Casey Jones. The action sequences are creative and fun to watch.

There’s plenty of product placement, but the Turtles have always been whores designed to sell merchandise, so it doesn’t feel out of place. I miss Brian Tyler’s bombastic music from the first film, the score here by Steve Jablonsky being much more generic and forgettable. The few attempts at character development are trite and unnecessary. The writing is still kinda crappy, and there’s a bit too much juvenile humor. I suppose my biggest complaint is that while the filmmaking is competent, it really lacks the sort of energy and inspiration to take it to the next level. Almost all the elements for a genuinely good Turtles movie are here; it just needs someone to put it all together into something that’s more than the sum of its parts, and not the dude who directed “Earth to Echo” (I’d heard of it either).

73. Zootopia – Nice animation, great attention to detail and some good visual gags (the population-counter on the rabbit farm, the wolf cop going undercover, etc.). Highlight of the film was the opening school-play scene. Nice message for the kids about how prejudices can lead even the most well-intentioned of people astray. Plot goes through the familiar beats of a Disney film, except for a pretty retarded third-act heel turn that I won’t spoil, but it would make more sense and have more story impact if the character didn’t feel so minor, and if it wasn’t so last-minute in the movie. “Frozen” was dull as shit, but at least the scene where HANS BETRAYS ANNA (spoiler warning) was pretty hilarious because of how well-timed and out of nowhere it was. The “grown-up” references (Godfather, Breaking Bad, etc.) feel pretty forced, mainly due to them just being references and not actual jokes. Overall, it’s a decent, well-made, and occasionally funny film (“I mean, I am just a dumb bunny, but we are good at multiplying”), but the overly-formulaic and predictable plot signifies that Disney’s lack of creative ambition is still there. Also, the sloth scene might have been funny if I hadn’t already seen it in the trailer. It’s definitely not one of those scenes that’s funny more than once.

Recommended for kids, furries, and those who love animal puns.

72. Hush – A deaf-mute writer is terrorized in her home by a psychopath intent on killing her. A nice premise with a refreshing twist on the tired home invasion genre, and the movie is a brisk 81 minutes. However, I feel like it should have been shorter, and it was only so long because the villain was so unbelievably stupid. At multiple points he could have entered her home and killed her pretty easily, but the plot dictates that she needs to think of ways to survive and outsmart him, so he’s just written as a crazy and evil idiot who wants to toy with his prey. I imagine most people would be fine with it, but his behavior became more annoying than scary after a while.

Making the film watchable is the solid directing and cinematography, along with writer/star Kate Siegel who makes for a very sympathetic and likable protagonist. We both wince and feel for her character when she gets hurt, as she sobs quietly but can’t audibly cry. Her performance is so convincing that I was genuinely surprised to find out that she’s not actually deaf in real life. The movie is decent and worth watching if you like horror-thrillers, and it shows than Blumhouse can still produce the occasional, not-garbage horror film.

71. War Dogs - I wasn’t a fan of the “Hangover” trilogy, even if the third entry was an admirably bold middle-finger to all of its established fans, but I saw talent in Todd Phillips’ direction which made me somewhat look forward to his next endeavor. Based on a true story, Miles Teller and Jonah Hill play two 20-something Miami dudes who get into the world of gun-running and happen upon a major but shady deal with the U.S. government. Basically, “Lord of War” for the new generation. However, where “Lord of War” was, despite its’ wry sense of humor, a pretty dramatic and searing look at the arms trade and the U.S. government’s involvement with it. “War Dogs”, meanwhile, feels more like a lightweight “Wolf of Wall Street”-esque rise-and-fall story of two friends and businessmen that, despite the constant references to the Bush administration, feels like only a passing criticism of the government. The key problem with the movie is how been-there-done-that it is. Even if you know nothing about the real-world story that inspired it, all the dramatic beats and character progressions are thoroughly predictable, and watching it I felt like I’ve seen this movie a hundred times already. It even opens with a variation of that freeze-frame “You’re probably wondering how I got in this situation” cliché. It’s not bad. It’s solid in pretty much every aspect. The directing by Phillips (I like a visual gag where a character sees approaching Iraqi insurgents in his truck’s side mirror, then the camera pans down to “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear”), the writing, the acting (with a noteworthy turn by Jonah Hill). It’s all fine. But the movie’s crippling lack of ambition means that by the end of the year, it’ll probably be completely forgotten about. I’m writing this review two days after having seen it and I’m genuinely having trouble remembering things about it. To put it in a hack-y movie critic kind of way; “War Dogs” is a gun that doesn’t malfunction, but never hits the bulls-eye either.

70. Jason Bourne – If the Bourne films popularized the “gritty espionage thriller” genre, 2016’s “Jason Bourne” feels like a generic knockoff made while the trend was hot, except it’s several years later and no one really cares. Still, I was looking forward to the film, because there are so few good action movies coming out these days and Paul Greengrass is at least a pretty strong director. I will always slightly resent Greengrass for popularizing the shaky-cam, fast-editing style of action filmmaking, but I admit he does it better than pretty much everyone, and it actually suits Bourne’s gritty, improvisational nature. There’s an early chase set during a riot in Athens and a climactic chase in Las Vegas that feel as urgent and intense as any action scenes I’ve seen in a while. Still, you wish the guy would invest in a tripod or something. It’s nice that Greengrass doesn’t discriminate, but exclusively hiring camera operators with Parkinson’s does make the end product a bit hard to follow, visually.

The plot is some hokum about the CIA trying to knock off a billionaire social media tech guru because he won’t let them use his product to spy on everyone, and somehow Jason Bourne is brought out of exile/retirement because of EVEN MORE buried secrets about his past. It’s pretty generic stuff that tries to be timely but comes across as trying too hard. Damon’s a compelling lead, and he’s given a decent villainous counterpart in Vincent Cassel, but it’s hard to be involved in the material. I was also disappointed by the lack of character development for Julia Stiles’ returning Nicky Parsons. Some insight into why she came out of hiding to give Bourne information would have been nice. The rest of the cast is unmemorable; Tommy Lee Jones in particular looks like he’s counting down the seconds until he stops shooting and can cash in his check.

You can tell that this is a tacked-on cash-grab sequel. They couldn’t even bother thinking of a proper Bourne title (The Bourne Resurgence, maybe?), and while Damon and Greengrass are definitely not half-assing it, you can tell their hearts aren’t really in this. Their workmanlike approach and their undeniable talent, however, does mean that Jason Bourne is an enjoyable thriller, and you’ll at least get a great pair of action scenes out of it. Still, what the hell were they thinking, making a Bourne film without Jeremy Renner?

69. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - There is perhaps no bigger red flag to me for a major blockbuster movie than hearing about “extensive reshoots”. Putting aside the lessons we’ve learned from “Fantastic 4” and “Suicide Squad”, the main problem with these kinds of reshoots is that it speaks to the studio not having enough confidence in the director’s vision, and more in the opinions of test audiences. I know that reshoots are commonplace in the film industry, but when they announced that “Rogue One” would have several weeks of reshoots that weren’t even headed by director Gareth Edwards, my heart sank a bit.

Now, I don’t mean to compare this to the previously mentioned comic-book dumpster fires, but the fact that “Rogue One” is just “kinda good” makes it pretty disappointing for me. Before some of you nerds ask; no, I didn’t watch this film with the sole purpose of criticizing it and ruining the Star Wars circlejerk. I was really looking forward to it when I heard that Gareth Edwards would direct, because his recent “Godzilla” reboot was fucking awesome and easily one of the best blockbusters of recent years, and I had hoped that “Rogue One” would mark an effort in taking this unkillable franchise to bold, new directions. It’s not like doing so would even be considered risky; “Star Wars” fans would literally pay money to eat dogshit if they were told it’d be canon or if the actor who played Wedge Antilles told them to do it.

But there’s the problem. Despite some differences in approach to the main saga, “Rogue One” is as safe as they come. Sure, there’s no opening crawl and the visuals are grittier than usual, but in terms of dialogue, storytelling, style of music, etc., it’s still very much a Star Wars movie. I do like how the movie takes itself fairly seriously and is bereft of the typical cringe-worthy Disneyquips©, but it kind of lacks the passion and inspiration that made so many people fall in love with the original trilogy.

Michael Giacchino’s score does the job, but isn’t all that memorable. He happily mimics John Williams’ style, but doesn’t display the sense of flair or majesty that made Williams’ music for this series so famous. It’s a shame we’ll never get to hear original composer Alexandre Desplat’s work for this film (he couldn’t do the score due to rescheduling around the reshoots).

The cast is a major case of “talented actors let down by a weak script and thin characters”. Try doing the Plinkett thing and describe the characters’ personalities, without talking about their role in the plot or their motivations, and ask yourself if any of them sound interesting. The main character Jyn Erso is especially disappointing, since what initially seems like a personal quest to find her father turns into her just selflessly becoming a noble rebel hero. There’s kind of an arc, sure, but it’s seriously missing any real drama to make the arc meaningful. This is especially bad during the slow and plodding first two acts of the film, which are rather unengaging and even boring at times.

The only somewhat amusing characters are the droid K-2SO (Alan Tudyk), the blind kung-fu former Jedi (Donnie Yen), and the Death Star director (Ben Mendelsohn). The droid is pretty much the only source of humor in the film, and he feels welcome because he doesn’t feel over-the-top (he’s a kind of cross between C3PO and HK-47). Donnie Yen is an insanely charismatic actor, and he makes his character interesting enough that he can overcome the writing. Ben Mendelsohn makes for an entertaining and slimy villain, but he’s let down by the script and the constraints of the canon more than anyone. Mendelsohn’s naturally villainous performance is wasted due to his character’s frequent emasculation at the hands of old franchise baddies Grand Moff Tarkin and Darth Vader.

And therein lies the crux of the matter, both that of the film and of Disney; they focus less on building the future or telling new, memorable stories in lieu of milking the past for all it’s worth. This is best exemplified by Disney’s decision to reintroduce a pair of ANH characters using their creepy, uncanny-valley CGI technology and body doubles. They did this in a few Marvel movies to have actors play younger versions of themselves, but here they use it to bring a dead actor (Peter Cushing as Tarkin) back to life, and it’s quite morbid and uncomfortable when you think about it. They literally bought a dead man’s likeness from his estate to milk it for nostalgia bucks. Is that where we are as a society where we’re totally cool with something like this? Wouldn’t it be much more natural (and cheaper) to just recast the old characters? You know, with human beings and whatnot?

Don’t get me wrong. As an action-space-fantasy movie, “Rogue One” works well enough. I mentioned previously that the first two acts are meh, despite some good moments (like the Death Star’s demonstration on a desert city, and the whole opening scene). Most of the movie was characters traveling from one colorless location to the next, getting into a scuffle with the Empire, then escaping. It’s in the third act where the movie really kicks into gear. The stakes are raised, things feel more urgent, and the bland locations are swapped for a beautiful tropical beach setting with an Empire base on it. It’s basically one large action sequence, but it works. Edwards again uses his excellent sense of scale and visual prowess to make the battle feel epic and exciting. As someone who isn’t a big Star Wars fan, it’s easily the best 30-40 minutes in any of the movies for me.

However, while “Rogue One” gives an admirable effort in being its own thing, it can’t help but keep calling back to the original trilogy just to please its established fanbase. I don’t blame all of the film’s flaws on the reshoots. There’s no obvious difference between original and new footage like a crappy wig or awful, forced humor. And who knows, maybe the reshoots actually made the film better. But at the end, “Rogue One” feels like it doesn’t want to be a Star Wars movie but is forced to be one (pun intended) by its strict parents. So often the characters go on about “hope”, as if they are seeking HOPE of a NEW variety. It may be like poetry (it rhymes), but after a point it becomes less poetry and more beating you over the head with a rhyming dictionary. For future installments, let’s cross our fingers for a little less “hope” and a little more “new”.

68. Passengers – Betrays Chris Pratt’s best movie performance to date, an excellent first act, and its own interesting (and pretty disturbing) premise by watering it down with schmaltzy Hollywood romance, unnecessary action, and a cancer-inducing end-credits Imagine Dragons song. I could write an entire essay on why the movie’s specific approach to its story is deeply uncomfortable. I’m also pretty much over Jennifer Lawrence at this point.

67. Three – Intriguing and unique chamber piece, but its comical elements and over-the-top melodrama feel out of place, and the final shootout feels like style just for style’s sake, which makes it oddly boring. Watchable, but a massive step down for Johnnie To after his excellent “Drug War”.

66. Captain Fantastic – Soulful performance from Viggo Mortensen and the occasional touching and insightful moment help buoy this portrayal of family and unconventional parenting whose biggest flaw is having a script and viewpoint that’s too smug and proud of itself for its own good, which makes most of the emotional moments feel cheap and unearned. Wes Anderson could have made a great movie out of this.

65. The Edge of Seventeen – Overcomes (just barely) the unlikability of its main character, the annoying way characters always describe what they’re going through, and its own sheer predictability with good performances, the occasional funny line and a fairly honest and empathetic look at growing up. I’d respect it more if it had the balls to have an unhappy ending. Woody Harrelson gives probably my favorite portrayal of a teacher in a movie.

64. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice – Oh, boy, here we go. For the record, this review is of the extended cut of the film.

I firmly believe that you can make or break a movie in editing. No matter how good the writing, acting, directing, and cinematography are, if a film is poorly edited, it becomes confusing at best, and a complete chore to watch at worst. Such was the case with the theatrical cut of the highly-anticipated (not by me, of course) “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice”, a film that despite being two-and-a-half hours long, felt like a rushed and confusing mess. I’m not saying that the extended cut is some sort of masterpiece, but this 3-hour version is what Zack Snyder intended the finished product to be before Warner Bros. got their stupid fucking fingers on it. Characters are given more scenes to be fleshed out, subplots are better developed, and the pacing is significantly improved, amounting to a much more coherent and downright better film. If you saw the theatrical version and are really on the fence about the film, I recommend watching the extended cut.

The movie itself is still fundamentally flawed in some aspects. It’s still a film constrained by the pressure to set up an entire cinematic universe, which makes the story itself suffer. It probably should have been solely about the personal grudge between Batman and Superman and the consequences it takes on both of them, and them eventually teaming up together when they realize they’re not so different and both want the same thing. The actual movie tries to do that, have Lex Luthor try to destroy both of them, introduce Wonder Woman, set up Wonder Woman’s origin story, set-up three other Justice League members’ origin stories, set up the Justice League movie itself, have an investigative Lois Lane subplot, hint at a future bad guy, and create a giant Frankenstein monster for the third act, among other things. The movie does keep most of these plates spinning, but some of them do fall. It’s an ambitious undertaking, but we’re still left with expensive broken china.

The writing is pretty hackneyed, too. If you can explain Lex Luthor’s motivation for hating Superman to me without citing a comic book or saying “it’s just what he does”, please do. They hint at some biblical reason for it (the Christ allegories and symbolism are even less subtle here as they were in “Man of Steel”, to give you an idea), but it came across as Lex hating him for no particular reason and trying to quote scripture to justify it. There are like three extended dream sequences in the movie, which feels like two too many. And then there’s that awful flow-breaking scene where they set-up The Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman. I’m reminded of an anecdote where during the making of “Man of Steel”, Zack Snyder wanted to include an after-credits scene but producer Christopher Nolan opposed, telling him “A real movie wouldn’t do that.” This story is probably bullshit, but I think it’s funny that Snyder made an after-credits scene and just crowbarred it into the middle of the movie.

“Batman v. Superman” attempts (and actually succeeds for a while) to really create a sense of consequence in a comic book movie, with the whole world, particularly Batman, being concerned about Superman’s presence on Earth after the destruction caused in “Man of Steel”. But it’s all kind of thrown out the window when that conflict is immediately dropped after the “MARTHA” scene so they could team up to fight the aforementioned Frankenstein monster. The “MARTHA” scene has become kind of infamous, but I was actually fine with it (even if it could have been better written) until Batman says “Don’t worry. Martha’s not dying tonight”, which got a good howl out of me. It was at the very least an interesting movie until it became the typical third-act destruction fest that has characterized so many superhero flicks, with even a few tonally jarring quips thrown in for good measure. The actual fight between Batman and Superman only lasts for like 5 minutes, despite so much buildup. While fun, it feels really schlocky, especially when Batman rips a sink out of a bathroom wall and starts beating Superman over the head with it. Why they started fighting in the first place instead of talking it out like Superman originally intended is beyond me, as well. Zack Snyder’s penchant for outstanding visuals is never in question (he does handheld camerawork better than pretty much anyone) but his grasp on storytelling has always been a bit iffy, even if this is arguably his best work.

If you’re a comic book fan and weren’t a fan of the characterization in this film, the extended cut won’t change your mind on that. Superman is still kind of a dick, Lex Luthor is still a Jolly Rancher-sucking autist, and Batman still kills people. It (mostly) makes sense in the context in the film, and I personally didn’t care too much, but I know some comic book fans who won’t forgive it. Last but not least, I want to mention what is probably the most annoying product placement I’ve seen in a movie this year. It’s not as gratuitous as a TMNT or Transformers flick, but at least those films didn’t take themselves seriously. There is nothing that can ruin a good, serious scene like a really out-of-place product placement. I was enjoying the scene with Clark Kent and Lois Lane in the bathtub until the camera turned to the bottle of Olay and stayed there for like a solid 2 seconds. The scene I was most looking forward to in the movie (the “Man of Steel” destruction of Metropolis as seen through Bruce Wayne’s eyes, which was really well done) was really hurt by the fact that right before the movie started they showed an ad for the Jeep used in the scene, using footage from the movie. There’s also a scene where Lex Luthor tries to force-feed Holly Hunter a Jolly Rancher. I understand that the movie’s titanic budget has to come from somewhere, but it’s shit like this that really pulls me out of the movie.

The cast is strong, particularly Jeremy Irons’ Alfred and Ben Affleck, who exceeds all expectations as Batman, even if he looks a bit silly in the suit. If nothing else, I’m really looking forward to his solo Batfleck film. Gal Gadot is nothing special, but at least she isn’t terrible. Henry Cavill is solid and likable even when the script lets him down, as is Amy Adams (not to politicize things, but I feel like this movie is getting no credit whatsoever for actually having a female love-interest who is like ten years older than her male counterpart, as opposed to the typical older-male-younger-female one). I like how they try to make Laurence Fishburne’s newspaper editor like a reverse J. Jonah Jameson from Spider-Man, constantly telling Clark Kent to report on some local sports team and admonishing him for writing about a vigilante dressed up as a bat beating the shit out of criminals and branding them.

I could go on, but at least BvS feels like an actual movie, instead of the really long trailer that was “Man of Steel”. Its (many) flaws aside, Zack Snyder is to be commended for using such a massive budget to at least try and do something different and ambitious than typical superhero films, and the fact that he succeeds as much as he does despite so many expectations and so much pressure is to be lauded. His cast is good, his action scenes are brutal and weighty (I loved that “Arkham” style warehouse fight between Batman and a group of armed thugs), his heart is in the right place, and he really, honestly dares to be different. If he had a better script and a not-terrible studio to back him up, “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice” would be appreciated for what it is, and not the kind of movie that inspires actual news articles about RottenTomatoes.

63. Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk – Uneven but occasionally powerful and refreshingly biting look at America’s oft-hypocritical worship of its soldiers and what battle can really do to their psyche, with lead actor and newcomer Joe Alwyn deftly carrying the movie on his shoulders. Let down by a weak script and most of the supporting characters being one-dimensional caricatures, however intentional it may be. The weirdest cast ever assembled for a drama (Garrett Hedlund, Chris Tucker, Steve Martin, Kristen Stewart, and Vin Diesel) works surprisingly well, except for the sadly out-of-place Martin. Didn’t get to see it in the original 4K, 120fps format, but at least I don’t get a headache out of it.

62. Hidden Figures – Typical inspirational historical drama. Sugary and as clichéd as it gets, but solid enough that it works. Elevated by strong performances from the three leading women, made amusing by how every other line spoken by any of them is an Obama-esque crowd-pleasing “Mmhmm” moment, and almost ruined by the presence of Bazinga as a racist, sexist strawman who is just there to be continually outsmarted and embarrassed by the smart, black lady. Probably going to become a staple in high school math/physics classes with lazy teachers. Thumbs up for the Oscar-bait title.

61. 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi – I let out a good chortle when I heard that there would be a movie about the 2012 Benghazi attack starring Jim from “The Office” and directed by none other than Michael Bay, a man whose approach to maturity and good taste generally amounts to a passing laugh and cocaine-sneeze. It was to my pleasant surprise (and admitted slight disappointment) that “13 Hours” turned out to be not only a solid military thriller but also Bay’s most restrained and mature movie. Don’t get me wrong; there’s still plenty of military hardware porn, explosions, and tastefully lit shots of a shirtless John Krasinski (hnnng). However, it also doesn’t include the obnoxious humor and out-of-place product placement that characterize most of his films (although there is a really unnecessary scene in a McDonald’s drive-through), and it actually takes itself fairly seriously, which is surprising coming from the guy who directed a film about two Miami cops who single-handedly invade Cuba.

It presents an account of what happened that night at the U.S. embassy and nearby CIA station as seen through the perspective of the security contractors stationed there, and it avoids politicizing the matter. There’s an annoying CIA chief strawman who refuses to let the contractors go in early to rescue the ambassador, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. The rest is a tense military action film, along with the expected jingoistic hero worship that these types of films have to include by law or something, though thankfully it’s not as bad here. Bay spends a decent amount of time setting up the location, the characters and the situation, before tits go inevitably up. The characters are fairly thin, their non-action scenes amounting to the usual dick-swinging soldier banter and some phone calls to their wholesome, attractive families back home, but the actors are good and convincing enough to make you care about them.

The action scenes are the reasons to see this, characterized by strong sound design and the aforementioned hardware porn that I admittedly enjoy, as well as some great shots, like the slo-motion one of a soldier surrounded by sparks. I also liked the atmosphere of the film, as the contractors slowly move through the ghostly streets of Benghazi, one of them remarking “It’s like we’re in a horror movie”, as some residents nearby are casually watching a soccer match while ignoring the gunfights outside their homes, as if it’s just another weekday evening.

The writing is pretty weak. It gets the needed information across, but the characterization is thin, the dialogue ranges from corny to boring, and there really isn’t enough plot to make this movie as long as it is.

Nontheless, it’s a solid action-thriller. I’ve defended Michael Bay for a long time now (mainly because he made “The Rock”, and I don’t see any other fucking director that made “The Rock”), but between this and 2013’s “Pain & Gain” he shows how much better he can be with smaller budgets and when not constrained by a plot involving giant robots punching each other and making racial wisecracks.

60. Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping – Imagine “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”, but not as good, and you get a good idea of what “Popstar” is like. The humor was pretty hit-or-miss and definitely favored quantity over quality when it came to the jokes, as can be expected from a movie made by SNL alumni, but it kept me entertained and made me laugh enough to warrant a recommendation. Funniest bits were the TMZ parodies, Justin Timberlake, and the “Equal Rights” music video.

59. Midnight Special – I like Jeff Nichols as a filmmaker. It’s partly because Michael Shannon is in all of his films, and I’ll watch anything that man does at this point, but Nichols has shown himself to be a nuanced and compelling storyteller with an excellent command of both atmosphere and tone. It’s this skilled storytelling and another strong performance from Shannon that make Midnight Special worth watching, even if it’s all in service of a story that becomes pretty dumb by the time we find out what’s going on.

The basic plot is that of a father who runs away from a religious compound with his son and is soon hunted by a number of groups because of some mysterious power that his son possesses. The opening scene where they and a helping friend of the father hurriedly leave a motel room and drive away into the night is excellent and expertly sets up a low-key but involving sci-fi thriller tone. Unfortunately, the more the movie goes on, the more we find out what the son’s powers are and what his “purpose” is, and without spoiling anything, it lost me pretty quickly after the late-second act revelation. The strong cast led by Shannon and Nichols’ direction kept the movie compelling enough to get me to the finish line, but this is definitely a case of a screenplay being too ambitious for its own good.

58. Green Room – Punk rockers vs. neo-Nazis is a premise more fitting of a sillier movie, in my opinion. Writer/director Jeremy Saulnier (who made 2014’s underrated gem “Blue Ruin”) probably knew this, and subverts it by making “Green Room” as grim and unpleasant as he possibly could. Going off of a theme from “Blue Ruin”, the deaths in this movie are often bloody, realistically brutal, and purposely sudden and anticlimactic, simultaneously being a violent movie but also anti-violence. Saulnier’s technical aptitude and the talents of the cast are never in question, and the movie itself is quite gripping and well-paced. I don’t think “Green Room” is as good or thematically rich as “Blue Ruin”, and the ending is a bit of a letdown, but it’s still a well-made and clever genre flick, and if you enjoy feeling like shit and averting your eyes from the screen then it’s the movie for you.

57. Eye in the Sky – A government joint-operation to kill some high-ranking terrorists in Kenya via a drone strike is halted when a little local girl enters the kill-radius. The story is told from the perspective of a ground recon team trying to get her out, the drone pilots, and the military brass and government officials who argue about whether the strike is justified and should be carried out. It has a good setup and a pretty powerful climax, but drags quite a bit in the middle portion where those in charge of the operation keep referring up to their superiors to figure out if they can/should/will fire the missile. The cast, in particular the late, great Alan Rickman as a weary general, are good enough to get you through the duller bits of the movie, and it’s really nice to see Barkhad Abdi in a movie again. While it could have trimmed some of its excess fat, “Eye in the Sky” is a tense, compelling thriller, and a much more mature and responsible examination of the consequences of drone warfare than “London Has Fallen”, albeit much less entertaining.

56. Sully – You’ve got to give Clint Eastwood credit. For a guy in his mid 80’s, he sure is prolific these days, regularly cranking out solid movies every year or two. In retelling the events of the “Miracle on the Hudson” passenger plane water landing from a years beack “Sully” continues that tradition by being good. Not great, but good. Tom Hanks makes for a fine lead, Aaron Eckhart is decent as Hanks’ co-pilot and friend (albeit constantly overshadowed by his own glorious mustache), just about everything else is meh. The highlight of the movie is the water landing itself, shown 3 times at different points from the perspectives of an air traffic controller, the passengers, and finally the cockpit. These scenes are intense and pretty harrowing, dodgy CGI aside. The rest of the movie is either the lead-up to the flight, or the aftermath where Captain Sully deals with the mental trauma from the incident and contends with a federal investigative committee that easily wins the award for “Most Obvious Strawmen of the Year”. Whatever. The film is well-made and compelling enough. As I said before, it’s good. It’s the definition of a 7/10 movie. If you’re old, like the audience during my theater showing was, you’ll probably love it. Everyone else will probably just like it. If you’re expecting something along the lines of Eastwood’s “Unforgiven” or “Letters from Iwo Jima”, you’ll be disappointed, but if you just want a solid, likable movie, this won’t Sully your expectations…I’m sorry for that one.

55. Christine – An amazing, simultaneously magnetic but also hard-to-watch performance by Rebecca Hall as 1970’s reporter Christine Chubbuck, and a very raw portrayal of depression, but ultimately feels pointless as it says nothing about Chubbuck or her mental state, as if the film is keeping her at a distance when it should be holding us down face-first into what she was truly feeling, making the ordeal feel kind of exploitative, when you think about it. If you know her story, the scene you spend the whole movie anticipating is done excellently, however.

54. Certain Women – MINIMALISM. It’s either your type of thing or it isn’t. “Certain Women” is three loosely-connected stories about women who live in Montana, and it’s as grounded and un-flashy as a film can get without being a home movie. It’s one of those films that’s about normal people and their everyday problems, and makes it all seem profound. To me, it worked well for the most part. I was engaged by the nicely composed cinematography and the good performances. The three stories vary in quality. Laura Dern plays a small-town lawyer who gets caught up in a hostage situation, and this is the most straightforward of the three, but also quite engaging. Michelle Williams plays a mother who wants to build her dream home in the woods but faces ambivalence from everyone in her life, and hers is the weakest story, if only because it feels so short and anticlimactic (even by this movie’s standards). 

The third story is surprisingly the best, with a ranch hand played by newcomer Lily Gladstone who forms a bond with a young law school graduate played by Kristen Stewart, and it’s an affecting and nuanced look at loneliness. Kelly Reichardt’s direction is modest and very low-key, but it’s empathetic and creates a good sense of atmosphere. This movie is also slower than watching paint dry at half-speed, lacks any overt drama and is very light on plot, so it’s one of those movies you’ll either completely love or won’t care for at all. I liked it, because I’m an edgy contrarian, and because I like a movie that gives its characters breathing room and trusts the audience to be smart enough to get their own thematic value out of it, so it’s worth your while if you’re not feeling too sleepy. Plus, there’s an adorable corgi in it, so automatic recommendation from me.

53. Manchester by the Sea – Reading the reviews and seeing all the award nominations, you’d think this mostly plotless exploration of grief is the desperately-needed salvation of cinema. When the credits rolled, however, all that hype ended up giving me was a resounding “Wait, that’s it?”.

The film is about a Boston janitor with a tragic past whose brother dies, and he goes back to his coastal New England hometown to handle his brother’s affairs and break the news to his son. As the janitor, Casey Affleck delivers one of the best portrayals of grief I’ve ever seen. Even before you know his story, his eyes and demeanor subtly hide an ocean of pain and heartbreak, and he pulls it off so naturally you often forget you’re watching an actor. Equally as good (and possibly better) is Michelle Williams, who plays his ex-wife. The filmmaking crime of the century is only putting her in the movie for like 5-10 minutes, where focusing more on her and Affleck’s relationship would have made the movie infinitely better, in my opinion. The guy who plays Affleck’s nephew is alright, given that his and Affleck’s relationship is the core of the movie, but nothing to write home about other than one really good breakdown scene. Everyone else ranges from “passable” to “clearly acting for the first time” to “distracting cameo from Matthew Broderick”.

I don’t wish to imply that the movie fails in any major way. I wasn’t a fan of how often the movie tried to be funny (“funny” in that New England way where characters swear a lot), and there is a glaring overuse of music, but it wasn’t a deal-breaker. I suppose that outside of a small handful of powerful scenes and moments, “Manchester by the Sea” felt like it was missing that emotional gut-punch it aimed for. It peaks halfway through in a flashback where we see what made Affleck’s character the way he is, and the movie only comes close to matching it during the last scene between Affleck and Williams. Don’t get me wrong; I understand the intention of making the film understated, so as to show a realistic depiction of grief, where people kind of just continue going about life and trying to not think about it. However, it goes a bit too far in this direction, to the point where I didn’t care for the mundanity of their lives and wanted some crying and goddamn emotion. This may be an over-simplification of how I feel, but basically, the movie is 10/10 when Affleck and Williams are onscreen together, an 8/10 when it’s just Affleck, and a 5/10 or a 6/10 when it’s any other combination of actors.

52. A Bigger Splash – Seems like it’s going to be a mature meditation on romance and desire until Ralph Fiennes shows up 5 minutes in, steals the entire fucking movie away from both the director and the rest of the cast, rubs his dick on the print, then sets it on fire while giggling to himself and dancing around naked. One of the best performances in a career filled with great performances. Movie goes downhill significantly in the last 30 or so minutes.

51. The Love Witch – Clever satire of gender dynamics as seen through the eyes of a love-addicted femme fatale witch. PERFECTLY nails the old-school Technicolor horror/sexploitation vibe. The art design, camerawork, hair/makeup, and even the way the actors behave is spot-on. Bravo to director Anna Biller and all involved as far as the technical aspects go. Story is at first detrimentally slow and the movie is far too long, but it picks up in the second half. Feels a bit too written, as if the characters occasionally stop being themselves and become mouthpieces for the writer/director.

50. Hardcore Henry – Let it not be said that there is no innovative filmmaking these days. Russian musician and music video director Ilya Naishuller was given a few million dollars to make a balls-to-the-wall action film filmed entirely from the first-person perspective of the main character. The most impressive thing about the stupidly-titled “Hardcore Henry” is how much mileage it manages to get out of its first-person gimmick, and how surprisingly well-made it is. Actual stunts are performed, effects are mostly practical (aside from a few bits of awful CGI), and you always feel like you’re in the body of the main character. The action scenes are fun and inventive, there’s a good deal of humor (I liked the bit with the overlapping subtitles), and Sharlto Copley gives a great performance as several incarnations of the same man with different personalities and looks. The plot is completely shit, and gets a bit too bogged down with exposition at times, but it’s never too intrusive. I suppose the biggest concern there is with this movie is if you can handle the filming technique, because the constant movement of the camera, especially during the action scenes, can give you motion sickness. I got a headache and a bit of nausea while watching it, but it could have been from the McDonald’s I had just before seeing it, so I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. I think that it works much better on a small screen instead of a movie theater either way, and even while on the verge of throwing up, I had a good deal of fun with “Hardcore Henry”. If you’ve ever used a VR headset while on meth, it should give you a good idea of the experience.

49. Hail, Caesar! – The Coen Brothers are my favorite filmmakers. So strong is their output that even their “bad” movies are good movies by any other standard. I don’t wish to imply that “Hail, Caesar!” is one of their “bad” ones, but it’s definitely on the lower end of their spectrum. The promotional material led me to believe that it would be a comic thriller about a 1950’s Hollywood fixer (a “problem solver” for studios) who teams up with a number of colorful showbiz people to rescue a kidnapped leading man. While the basic plot is there, the movie feels more like a leisurely series of vignettes about the colorful characters, loosely-connected by the fixer asking them for their help. It’s all amusing, colorful, and beautifully shot by eternal Oscars bridesmaid Roger Deakins, but it feels like it’s missing any sort of narrative thrust or stakes. The Coens don’t seem to be going for that sort of film, and it feels intentionally meandering and light, so the film is better if you go in expecting it. The writing is entertaining, but while the film is certainly hilarious in parts and never boring, some comedic bits feel stretched out for far too long (such as the scene with the religious leaders), which is unusual for the Coens.

The whole endeavor is less about plot and more about being a fun tribute-by-way-of-pisstake to Old Hollywood. It reminds me a bit of their earlier work “Barton Fink”, albeit broader, sillier, less existential, and much less cynical. We see old-fashioned editing rooms, grand movie sets, a wonderful musical number, Communism, etc. The Coen Brothers made a film that feels nostalgic towards a simpler era of filmmaking, while still acknowledging that even back then they made crap films. The biggest selling point in the movie is its’ all-star cast. I can’t remember the last time a movie had this many big-name actors attached to it. Sadly, due to the light nature of the story, a lot of them feel like glorified cameos, even if there isn’t a weak link among them. George Clooney is in top-form in the role of the kidnapped actor, the type of buffoon the Coens always seem to make him play. Channing Tatum is great as a tap-dancing musical star. Completely stealing the show is up-and-comer Aldren Ehrenreich, who plays a dopey but sweet cowboy actor, and who is so naturally funny, likable and charismatic here that I don’t have a single doubt about him becoming huge in the near future.

It just goes to show that even a lesser Coen Bros. film is still vastly better than the best work by most directors. While slow and kind of pointless overall, “Hail, Caesar!” is still a funny, gorgeous, and charming homage to the Hollywood Golden Age, one that rewards attention and repeated viewings, and welcomes them as well.

48. Finding Dory – Not on par with “WALL-E” or “Up”, but entertaining and nicely emotional. Feels like a welcome return to form for Pixar after so many years of disappointments. Bonus points for being the good kind of sequel, one that not only works on its own but actually adds new dimension to the original. Kind of disappointing, because before seeing the movie I was all ready to say “Finding Dory? More like FOUND IT BORING”. Nice message about family and taking care of a family member with special needs. Looking forward to “Finding Marlin”, where we see Marlin as an alcoholic going through a midlife crisis as he tries to singlehandedly raise a crippled son and his mentally handicapped friend.

47. Deadpool – One of my biggest pet peeves in movies is characters breaking the fourth-wall. I don’t mind a film being cheeky, but a movie occasionally pausing itself to acknowledge that it’s a movie annoys me to no end. I say this because “Deadpool” actually does fourth-wall breaking right, making it a key part of the humor and tone and story rather than an occasional “look at how clever and ironic we are” moment.

One would think because of this that “Deadpool” is just an endless series of self-referential jokes. It mostly is, but thankfully there’s an actual story, a bicycle for all the colorful tassels to hang on. Don’t get me wrong; the story is generic as hell. It’s still your typical superhero origin story, albeit one helped greatly by the nonlinear structure, alluding to Deadpool as an unreliable narrator. Also helping is a surprisingly engaging romance aspect, thanks to Ryan Reynolds’ and Morena Baccarin’s great chemistry and that the romance is a key part of the main character’s motivations (and that the girl feels like an actual character, not just a crowbarred-in love interest like almost every other comic book movie). One of the best scenes in the film is a montage of them “celebrating” various holidays.

Reynolds is perfectly cast as Wade Wilson, a role that his whole career since “Van Wilder” has been building towards. He effortlessly captures the character’s smarminess and gallows humor, but also makes him just likable enough to root for. Baccarin shows enough personality and comic timing that I certainly won’t mind seeing her having a bigger role in the sequel. The action sequences are the highlights. Tim Miller (in his directing debut) shows a clear aptitude for this, making the fight scenes bloody, funny, and visually creative, doing more with $60 million than most directors can do with $200 million.

Your enjoyment of “Deadpool” will come from whether you like its sense of humor. Given the sheer amount of jokes the film flings at the wall, a number of them are going to fall flat. However, to me a lot of them did land, and the movie is quite funny despite being a bit too in love with itself, and any comedy film that doesn’t give away its best jokes in the trailer (especially with a marketing campaign like this film had) is worthy of a recommendation in my eyes.

46. Blood Father – This is the best Liam Neeson movie that Liam Neeson never made. The action is tense and hard-hitting, the cast is good, and the movie is a very lean and efficient 88 minutes. However, there’s some distractingly bad editing at times, the plot is typical Liam Neeson fare (daughter is in trouble with criminals and seeks out her estranged ex-con dad to help out) and the dialogue is pretty wonky and overly reliant on swearing. Also, the girl is fairly annoying, but I suppose it suits her character so I won’t judge her too much for it. What makes the movie work is Mel Gibson’s performance. Looking increasingly like a shredded, captivity-era Saddam Hussein, Gibson is a volcano almost constantly on the verge of eruption. He plays a pissed-off man better than anyone, but he also showcases a good deal of humor and heart, able to convey more with his demeanor than most actors can with an entire monologue. Plus, watching him bite a guy’s ear off before head-butting him repeatedly is great fun. While Gibson is definitely better than the film’s B-movie material, he sells the hell out of it, elevating everything around him and making up for a lot of the movie’s flaws (you get the feeling it’d be much better if he directed it, as well). “Blood Father” is not quite the Mel Gibson renaissance-marking comeback I keep hoping for, but it’s good enough to recommend. Here’s hoping we don’t have to wait another few years to be reminded how great of an actor he is. Can’t quell the Mel.

45. The Brothers Grimsby (AKA Grimsby) - It’s been a while since we’ve gotten a comedy from Sacha Baron Cohen. His stuff other than “Borat” has gotten a mixed reception, but I’ve always felt that that as a comic he has excellent timing and creativity, and even when not doing his famous “interacting with real people while in character” routine, the guy knows how to put together a joke. In a comedy world filled increasingly with endless cameos and cringe-worthy improv humor, it’s relieving to see a comedian that can still write a solid gag and perform it well.

Cohen plays Nobby, a trashy but kind-hearted English football hooligan who lives in Grimsby, a town so squalid that on a sign it says that its sister city is Chernobyl. He’s spent decades searching for his long-lost younger brother Sebastian (played by Mark Strong), and upon finally finding him he discovers that Sebastian is a highly-trained secret agent who is involved in stopping an elaborate terror attack. Naturally, shenanigans ensue which results in the two brothers teaming together to save the world. The plot is basically “What if James Bond had a fuckup brother?”

Some of the humor is as gross-out as it can get, getting plenty of use out of genitals and bodily fluids (there’s one sequence involving elephants that I don’t think I’ll ever forget). Quite a bit of the humor is based around English class differences, which may go over the head of American audiences, but I quite enjoyed. And some is just tastelessness and over-the-top comedic violence. Sometimes it doesn’t work, but I found myself surprised at how much did. There’s a good deal of set-ups and payoffs to the jokes, which I found refreshing, like someone actually spent time to craft the comedy in this film. I’ll say that I laughed pretty often, and I was never less than amused. Strong and Cohen have excellent chemistry together, and the film is at its best when it focuses on the two and their exchanges, with Strong proving to be an excellent straight-man to Cohen’s ridiculousness. It even has a nice little subplot about the two brothers bonding and coming to terms with why they were initially separated that even pays off during the climax.

The movie is a little over 80-minutes and moves at such a fast pace that even if a certain gag doesn’t work, it quickly moves past it. The trade-off to this is that when a gag does work, it’s not given much time to play out. I full-heartedly believe that brevity is the soul of wit, and it’s not a huge issue, but I do wish some of the jokes had a bit of breathing space. Probably the movie’s biggest sin is completely wasting its supporting cast. Penelope Cruz, Isla Fisher, Rebel Wilson, and Ian McShane all feel like bit players who are there just for plot purposes. Maybe that was intentional, to play the film like a straight-faced James Bond film with Cohen there to single-handedly derail it, but why cast talented, well-known actors in such useless bit parts?

I still recommend the film for being genuinely, unapologetically funny, and while a lot of its jokes are in bad taste, they never feel mean-spirited or overly edgy. They come from Cohen’s desire to shock you into laughing, but it feels self-aware and innocent enough that you’re more amused and bewildered rather than offended. Still, if gags about AIDS, incest, bestiality, casual gun violence, lower-class scum, and things being shoved into asses don’t sit well with you, then “The Brothers Grimsby” is not the bland, PG-13, all-inclusive safe-space you want, you precious snowflake.

44. Operation Avalanche – Starts off slowly and ploddingly but before long, it overcomes its’ potentially-gimmicky premise and occasionally unconvincing façade to become a surprisingly engaging and creative foray into “historical” found-footage bolstered by writer/director/star Matt Johnson’s deft storytelling and clear passion for filmmaking, with an unexpectedly excellent car chase to boot.

43. Loving – Jeff Nichols’ “Loving” is an account of Richard and Mildred Loving, an interracial couple who were arrested and then exiled for being married in 1950’s Virginia, and whose case to return home eventually went all the way to the Supreme Court. Given the material and the convenient title, you’d think this was blatant Oscar-bait all the way through, but for the most part it’s not. Jeff Nichols’ empathetic direction and the strong, restrained performances by Joel Edgerton and Ruth Negga as the two leads make this film feel human instead of exploitative. Nichols makes an interesting choice to keep the movie very personal and focused on the couple, with the broader Civil Rights Movement only briefly mentioned. I actually liked this approach as it makes you feel the pain and struggle and love of the characters first, and then by extension see how damaging prejudices (both institutional and personal) can be to people.

The film doesn’t completely escape Oscar-bait trappings, however. It still has the comedy-actor-playing-a-dramatic-role in the form of Nick Kroll as the ACLU lawyer assigned to the Lovings. He’s not bad or anything, but he feels a bit distracting and the role doesn’t amount to much. The music is fine, but it still has those corny inspirational cues at moments of triumph and perseverance, places where I think silence would have been much more effective. My biggest complaint is that it’s a Jeff Nichols movie and Michael Shannon is only in it for one scene. It's an important and good one, but you really wish he’d be in the movie more or maybe that’s just me because I LOVE MICHAEL SHANNON, HOLY SHIT. I've come to the conclusion that the quality of a Jeff Nichols film is often in direct proportion to how much Michael Shannon is in it (seriously, go see "Take Shelter" if you haven't already).

The best part of “Loving” is the two leads, who share a quiet but powerful chemistry, both of them reserved people whose love for each other you can feel in the littlest gestures and who don’t need any obvious histrionics or even words to show their feelings to the audience. It’s the solid core that makes the movie good, elegantly guided by Jeff Nichols’ confident and mature direction, even if the rest of it isn’t all that remarkable. Not quite a “Loving” for me, but eaily a “Liking”.

42. Deepwater Horizon - I’ve liked Peter Berg as a director ever since his underrated action-comedy “The Rundown”, starring The Rock back when he was still billed as “The Rock”. He shows an aptitude for action, pacing, and getting good performances out of his actors, but lately, he’s had a really bad case of hero worship. This, “Patriot’s Day” and “Lone Survivor” all have a frankly fetishistic view of real-life bravery, all ending in a text commending the bravery of those involved and including the names of victims, etc. This always felt like a cheap trick to me, one meant to elicit tears and nods of approval from middle-aged audience members who don’t go to the movies that often, rather than properly characterize his heroes. He gets around this somewhat by casting good actors who are likable enough that we care for them in spite of the weak writing and schlocky sense of patriotism. It all just feels weirdly exploitative of the real-life tragedies that the films depict.

As for the movie itself, it’s quite good. It starts with the prerequisite buildup on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, showing negligence on the part of some of the management and the BP executives (read: strawmen), while showing the intelligence on display by the regular, blue-collar engineers and oil rig workers. I don’t deny that things were actually like this (truthfully, I don’t care enough to look it up), but it does feel pretty clichéd in movie form. Then the disaster hits, and there’s a solid 40-or-so minutes of the rig blowing up while the crew scramble to try to contain the situation and evacuate. This part is great. Berg’s technical skill is on full display, helping you follow the characters and what’s going on despite a lot of them speaking in mostly technical terms and the setting feeling like being trapped in a maze that’s on fire. It’s fantastically gripping, edge-of-your-seat stuff, helped by the theater-shaking sound design and convincing visual effects.  The film ends with some tearful family reunions and heart-wrenching breakdowns when the survivors get back home. I’ll say that if I walked out of the film RIGHT after the screen faded to black, I would have a higher opinion about it.

If you like or at least don’t mind the hero-worship stuff, I’ll say that Deepwater Horizon is one of the year’s best-crafted thrillers, a disaster movie where the disaster actually feels scary and real as opposed to the dumb fun of something like “San Andreas”. I’m not against paying respects to the dead or to the bravery involved, but I think it should be done within the context of the film and the script, not forcing the audience to stay an extra five-minutes as some sort of memorial service that we paid money to attend.

41. Rams – This film is about a pair of Icelandic brothers who own neighboring sheep farms. They haven’t spoken to each other for 40 years due to implied but never explicitly-stated petty squabbles and stubborn jealousy, but are forced to work together to save their sheep when their flocks suffer from an outbreak of scrapie, a fatal degenerative disease that affects sheep and goats. This film is very affecting, low-key filmmaking, deftly handling heartbreaking drama, touching bonding, and even some surprisingly funny (albeit-bleak) comedy such as a scene where one character transports another to a hospital. It makes great use of the “show, don’t tell” filmmaking rule. Many scenes have little to no dialogue, but all serve a purpose in terms of plot or characterization or insight. The plot of sheep farmers trying to protect their flock may seem like a hard-to-relate-to storyline, but the film has universal themes of family and loss, and its observant and sympathetic storytelling makes the film accessible to anyone, even if they aren’t familiar with sheep mating procedures.

40. Kubo and the Two Strings - Laika has always been an overlooked animation studio, most known for making the wonderfully creepy “Coraline”, but finding little success in terms of box office even while their films are all quite good. Take “Kubo and the Two Strings”, a flawed but highly original and absolutely stunningly animated film that only managed to make a little over its production budget back, while “Zootopia” made over a billion dollars. Such is life.

The film itself is about a one-eyed boy named Kubo who is hunted by a vengeful demon and must team up with a magical monkey statue and a beetle-man to find some mystical MacGuffins that can help defeat it. It starts out very well, showing the boy’s daily routine of using his magic guitar and origami to tell stories to the local villagers. After shit goes inevitably down, it’s still quite compelling for a while, bringing a melancholy flavor to the boy’s journey and his interaction with his two companions. The problem is that the actual plot is pretty uninteresting, especially after the predictable late second-act plot twist, and while I can appreciate that the conflict resolution in the third act doesn’t just end by one character beating up another, the actual manner in which it’s resolved is pretty dumb.

The reason to see “Kubo and the Two Strings” is its gorgeous stop-motion animation. I had to smack my mouth a few times to remind myself that I wasn’t looking at high-quality CGI. It’s reassuring to learn that Laika is owned by the billionaire former CEO of Nike, so the studio isn’t exactly hurting for cash and can continue to focus on making their original and creative and beautiful movies without needing to dumb them down for most audiences, but it’s still a little depressing when good, accessible films fail to find their audience. While flawed (and nowhere near as good as “Coraline”), “Kubo and the Two Strings” is worth checking out if you love stop-motion animation as much as I do and you’re just waiting for the next Aardman film to come out.

39. April and the Extraordinary World - In an industry almost completely dominated by 3D CGI-animated films, it’s somewhat refreshing to come across a traditionally-animated 2D film. “April and the Extraordinary World” is a French film set in an alternate-history 1940’s where the world’s foremost scientists of the past several decades have gone missing, causing crucial technological innovation to not happen and for the world to continue relying on coal and eventually wood-burning steam power. In a world on the brink of war for resources, April is a young French woman whose parents are two of the missing scientists, and we follow her and her talking cat Darwin as they attempt to solve the mystery behind the disappearances.

I want to start off by mentioning the art style. The characters are the simple but expressive beady-eyed 2D people you’d expect from European animation, but the design of the bleak steampunk world and the technology is amazing. However, and this is what I really like about the film, while it shows how cool-looking steampunk technology can be, it also criticizes it for being completely retarded and impractical and damaging to both the environment and to people, cosplayers be damned (Europe is completely treeless and characters have to wear gas masks if they’re outdoors for too long). The characters (especially the talking cat) are spunky, entertaining, and even have their fair share of depth. The film carries a nice message about using science and optimism instead of violence and negativity to solve the world’s problems. This feels more like the film that “Tomorrowland” should have been, before it got Lindelof’d.

However, it does have kind of the same problem that “Tomorrowland” did, in that the third act gets pretty stupid. It’s certainly not as bad or as nonsensical as it was in that film, and while the plot twist and eventual revelation are actually built towards instead of just dumped on us, it does get rather silly and I sort of lost interest. Without spoiling too much, it does end up relying on that tiresome “in order to save humanity, we have to destroy it” sci-fi cliché that was dumb even back when “The Terminator” did it.

Still, on the whole, I was surprised by how much I liked “April and the Extraordinary World”. While it certainly loses some steam near the end (pun originally unintended), it’s still engaging and surprisingly entertaining enough for the duration of its running time to warrant a recommendation.

Note: If you can, see the French-dubbed version. The English voice actors are good, but the movie and lip-sync feel off by not being in their original language. For the record, this is the only time I’ll ever say that something (other than bread) is improved by being French.

38. Mascots – To me, a mark of a good comedy is if it makes me laugh a lot. By that criteria, Christopher Guest’s latest mockumentary about a professional mascot competition and its participants is a good comedy. There’s not much to say about this film if you’re familiar with Guest’s other improv-heavy comedy films, and structurally it’s very similar to “Best in Show”. It’s not as good as that gem, partly because it feels like a more manufactured scenario, a parody of a part of culture and a competition that doesn’t feel real in the first place (as opposed to the biting satire of the very real world of professional dog-shows), and partly because Fred Willard is only in this for like 5-10 minutes instead of 40-45. Guest regulars Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara’s absences are also felt.

Still, what I like about Guest’s style of comedy that I despise about the Judd Apatow/SNL style of improv is the timing. He knows how to edit his jokes and his characters to keep them funny, and he knows when to let a joke go, as opposed to letting it linger and rot. The fact that he doesn’t write screenplays or hold any rehearsals for himself and his cast pretty much means that he films them performing improv and leaves in whatever is funny. Despite the aforementioned absences, the cast here is still great (with standout performances by Parker Posey, Susan Yeagley, and the guy who fucks from “Silicon Valley”), the movie has plenty of laughs and a surprising amount of poignancy and sweetness, and some of the actual mascot routines in the latter half of the movie are both hilarious and even breathtaking, particularly one involving an expressionist modern-dance about feminism and art in an armadillo costume.

37. The Accountant - One of the most entertainingly uneven films I’ve seen in a long time, “The Accountant” tries to be a character study, a corporate thriller, an operator-style action film, a family drama, a quirky comedy, a PSA about autism, and it even flirts with being an odd-couple romance. It never really comes together in the traditional sense, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a blast watching it try.

The plot is about an autistic accountant who in his secret-life uncooks finances for some of the world’s most dangerous people, and how a seemingly simple assignment in auditing a robotics firm becomes dangerous and blah-blah-blah. This movie has far too much plot and little of it is worth caring about. Where it works surprisingly well is in the character study of the main character, Christian Wolff (who sounds like a name belonging to a character in a cheap erotic novel you can find in airport shops). You see his upbringing, the circumstances that led him to his current career, and his routines in trying to deal with life with high-functioning autism. I (cheekily) said from the start that Ben Affleck is perfect casting for an ass-kicking autist but he’s actually, genuinely, unironically good in a committed and fleshed-out performance that wouldn’t feel out of place in a more serious movie about adults with autism.

In trying to do the other aspects, however, the movie kind of falls apart. The first act is a mostly straightforward setup that you could be forgiven for thinking that it won’t even be a thriller. Wolff’s awkward bluntness around neuro-typicals is played for mild chuckles, because of course it is. Only at the end of it do we see that he’s a badass operator once he’s betrayed and people try to kill him. The second act where a government agent played by J.K. Simmons gives us a 10-minute exposition dump is pretty dull. There’s a hint of some romance between Wolff and a young accountant whose life he saved played by Anna Kendrick, but thankfully it’s never fully realized (“Gosh, I find your lack of social development and the way you cleanly killed the men who attacked me soooo sexy.”)

It’s only in the third act where he goes out to get the people who are after him where the movie becomes a wonderful nirvana of schlock, the “John Wick meets Rain Man” asploitation I hoped it would be. I’m not going to spoil too much, but it has the two funniest plot twists of any film this year, a solid 5 minutes where a caretaker at a home for autistic children gives a PSA about caring for people with disabilities, and a hilarious and completely unnecessary villainous monologue for the ages, courtesy of a paycheck-loving John Lithgow. My only complaint at that point were that there were no accounting-related one-liners in the film, including but not limited to:

- I just depreciated YOUR LIFE

- Don't write me off as a loss just yet

- They must be held accountable

- She's becoming a liability

- He's likes torturing people. He's accrual man

- A character named General Ledger

I don’t know. I chose a dull major, alright?

36. Moonlight – Clichéd dialogue and an annoying tendency to skip over some important/interesting events in the main character’s life, but empathetic performances, a great cast, and a good understanding and balance of the movie’s story and its’ theme of identity. I’m a bit of a tough nut to crack, emotionally speaking, so I feel like the subtle approach from this movie didn’t affect me as much as it did the many people who hail this film as the Second Coming of Christ.

35. Kill Zone 2 – Insane, jaw-dropping, balls-to-the-wall fight scenes that are too often hampered or outright interrupted by that silly and intrusive “plot” nonsense that unfortunately characterizes most post-Jackie Hong Kong kung-fu films. Still, any film that has Tony Jaa doing a flying double knee through a bus windshield and into the driver gets a recommendation from me.

34. Anthropoid – “War is not romantic”.

I’ve always held a soft spot for well-made genre films, and “Anthropoid”, a World War II thriller that, despite a title and poster that look like they belong to some sci-fi horror movie, is certainly that. “Anthropoid” is about a historical real-life mission by the Czech Resistance to assassinate a high-ranking Nazi official in occupied Prague. What I like about this movie is how solemn it is. None of the good guys are clear-eyed heroes who live happily ever after. These are anxious, grimly-professional saboteurs. Most of the resistance members question over whether killing one man is worth the possible consequences it would bring to the Czech people, while the two leads soldier on, determined to follow their orders. Cillian Murphy and the guy from “50 Shades of Grey” (Jamie Dornan) make for a likable pair of leads, and the characters feel human instead of movie-ish. Even during their romances with two local Prague women, it feels less like forced Hollywood trite and more like people trying to comfort each other in a hopelessly bleak environment.

The movie starts slow, but builds well to the more thrilling stuff. Interestingly (minor spoiler), the assassination attempt only occurs halfway through the movie, with the second half being the fallout and repercussions. A more generic movie would have ended with the assassination, before including text commending the bravery of the Czech Resistance and how their mission was successful, but “Anthropoid” instead shows and talks about the horrible things the Nazis did in retaliation, including killing thousands of Czech civilians, before showing what happens to the Resistance members involved in the assassination. I won’t ruin it, but the last half-hour of the movie is pretty devastating stuff.

There’s nothing particularly wrong with Anthropoid, as long as you don’t mind the slow build. It doesn’t really strive for greatness or deep meaning in any way. It’s just a well-made, well-acted, tense, bleak, and morally grey look at an important event in World War II and how it (and war in general) affects people. Bonus points for the cast actually making an effort to speak with Czech accents, instead of the usual historical non-British movie done entirely with British accents.

33. The Siege of Jadotville – Hey, speaking of solid genre flicks starring Jamie Dornan! I love a good war film, so when I heard that when Netflix produced one set during the Congo Crisis of the 1960’s, a refreshing change from the usual “popular” wars like WWII, ‘Nam, and Iraq/Afghanistan, my ears perked up. The plot is about an Irish company of UN peacekeepers who are sent to the tiny town of Jadotville in the resource-rich Congo during a period of upheaval and civil war. Murky politics and other UN operations in the area make things worse, and in retaliation the rebel government and French/Belgian mercenaries send a massive force to attack the isolated Irish troops.

There’s about 40 minutes of setup, in which we see the soldiers (led by Dornan), most of them still teenagers, at home before they get shipped off, we get a broad overview of the political climate in the Congo, including the coup leader and the UN representative sent to assist the central government (played by a shitty hairpiece with a Mark Strong attached to it), as well as the situation that led to tits going up for the peacekeepers. The remaining hour of the movie is the titular week-long siege, with the Irish defending a tactically disadvantaged position with limited food, ammo, and water against a very numerically superior enemy.

All of this is very well-crafted, with good pacing and editing, especially during the battle scenes, which are tense, harrowing, and filmed in a way that you actually get a solid idea of the geography of the siege. History, and even the movie at one point, both say that there were 150 UN troops at Jadotville, but it never seems like there's more than a few dozens of them. It's not a huge issue, but a little distracting.

The characters are pretty thin, with only a handful of the soldiers actually having names, and the writing is nothing special. It’s efficient in the sense that it gets the necessary information across and doesn’t intrude on the story, but it does have the usual clichés you see in a war film. The soldiers are portrayed as brave, noble, and heroic, while the UN leaders and generals are shown as callous, selfish, and incompetent. After some reading into the history, I found that this is not untrue, but it still feels like a conventional audience-pleasing dynamic. To the film’s credit however, it does a nice job of showing how morally grey the conflict was, without really claiming moral superiority for either side, but still makes you care for the UN soldiers at the heart of it. Even the trademark ending text is done tastefully and respectfully.

If you want a compelling, well-crafted war film and have a Netflix subscription, then “The Siege of Jadotville” is worth checking out. Between this and “Anthropoid”, Jamie Dornan has proven himself a capable (and wonderfully mustached) leading man, and in my eyes has done a good job getting his reputation back to “respectable” after “Fifty Shades of Grey” and...oh, there's two sequels to it coming out? Well, here's hoping for more good war films from the lad afterwards.

32. Doctor Strange – Same-old shit from Marvel, in terms of writing and story, but at least contains enough beautiful visuals and creativity to take away a good deal of the staleness. Bonus points for having a climax that is the exact opposite of a typical superhero destruction-fest.

31. The Magnificent Seven – At a film festival like TIFF, which is mainly meant for foreign, independent, arthouse films and prestige pictures, “The Magnificent Seven”, a remake of John Sturges’ 1960 original and an unapologetic, old-fashioned Western, stands out. As a genre-film aficionado, that appealed to me enough that I saw this movie even though it would come out in theaters a few weeks later.

And I’m glad I did. “The Magnificent Seven” is just plain, loud, over-the-top fun. If you see the trailer, the movie is exactly what you think it’ll be like. A woman seeks frontier justice against the power-hungry coal baron who terrorizes her town and murdered her husband, and pays a bounty hunter (Denzel Washington, who looks like he was born to play a cowboy in this movie) to go after him. He recruits 6 more outlaws, killers, and warriors to aid him in his quest to protect the honest townsfolk from the evil businessman and his army. Whiskey is drunk, guns are drawn, banter is exchanged, and lots of people get shot and blown up. Antoine Fuqua (an expert in making solid genre flicks) keeps the movie paced well, gives the characters breathing space to flesh out a bit, and makes the action loud, exciting, and well-filmed. No shaky-cam bullshit here, just good, efficient filmmaking with lots of nice Western vistas.

The cast is strong, especially Washington and Chris Pratt (who I worried would be out of place but acquits himself well here), along with solid supporting players. The writing is nothing special, but gets the job done, although there are some unfortunate missed opportunities at character development and payoffs, especially when it comes to Ethan Hawke’s (fabulously named) Goodnight Robicheaux, a former Confederate sharpshooter who hung up his guns. Also, a minor issue, but the film severely overplays how effective a mid-19th century gatling gun is.

There’s nothing altogether remarkable about this remake from a quality standpoint, but in a year filled with failed reboots and sequels and unremarkable superhero films, a good, solid personality-filled Western shoot-em-up about a multicultural team of badasses teaming up against the evil establishment is more than a welcome breath of fresh air.

30. Everybody Wants Some!! - Richard Linklater’s spiritual sequel to “Dazed and Confused” feels very much like a Richard Linklater film. There’s not much plot; it’s just about a college freshman baseball player and his team’s escapades over the weekend before the semester starts in the fall of 1980, as they hang out, go party, try to get laid, and attend their first practice. There’s no real structure to this film. It’s meandering in typical Linklater fashion, where the movie is more about the characters, the setting, and the dialogue. If you don’t mind this sort of thing, “Everybody Wants Some!!” is a very enjoyable movie. The characters and performances are on point, the banter is entertaining, the music is great (used especially well during a scene where the characters drive around town singing “Rapper’s Delight”) and even when Linklater waxes philosophical as he sometimes tends to, it feels less pretentious and more like the characters being themselves. When they talk about life, man, they’re often drunk or high or sleep-deprived, which feels like a nice bit of self-awareness from Linklataer. It even gets a bit inspirational at times, as the themes of finding out your identity and place in life and making the most of your short time on this Earth hits home surprisingly well. Funny, charming, and likable in every way that “Boyhood” wasn’t, “Everybody Wants Some!!” marks a welcome return to form for Richard Linklater, which is amazing considering it didn’t even take TWELVE YEARS to make.

29. Love & Friendship – Not being a big fan of hoity-toity costume dramas and having never read any of Jane Austen’s work, I really didn’t think this Austen adaptation would appeal to me. However, following the initial 10-15 minutes where my brain adjusted to the Regency-era English, I found that I really enjoyed this film. It’s a comedy of manners centered on a widowed socialite (played by the never-better Kate Beckinsale), a cunning and manipulative woman who is well-known as the best flirt in London, and her attempts to get her daughter married to a wealthy suitor as she herself juggles those in her social circles. I found myself loving the barbed interplay between well-written characters. The cast is uniformly excellent, with a strong performance by Beckinsale and a show-stealing turn from Tom Bennett as a wealthy but utterly gormless suitor, the kind of man who keeps talking even when he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and who is completely enchanted by the “tiny green balls” at dinner (peas). The whole movie is kind of plotless, with very little narrative drive and it feels like important character developments are often skimmed over (two characters have a pleasant conversation in one scene and are married like, 5 minutes later). The whole movie feels very light, albeit very watchable. Watch it for the excellent cast, the lovely sets and costumes, and for the genuinely hilarious writing, but don’t expect to be all that invested in what happens. The whole thing feels like a dinner party with much wittier and politer versions of your extended family, albeit just as catty and spiteful.

28. Captain America: Civil War - By now most people have acknowledged the problems with the Marvel Cinematic Universe. While most are solid superhero flicks, they all feel kind of safe and sterile, films marked-tested to appeal to as large an audience as possible. While this leaves less room for error, it also limits how good they can become. If all you want is good actors wearing ridiculous costumes punching each other and destroy expensive CGI environments while mumbling groan-worthy quips, the MCU has got you covered. Those of us who want them to approach something like Raimi’s Spider-Man films or Nolan’s first two Batman films are often left wanting. Sometimes it has gotten better than the norm. The first half of “Captain America: The First Avenger” was excellent before it became kind of a rushed mess in the second. Shane Black’s “Iron Man 3” felt like the only genuinely auteur-driven film in the whole MCU (if only because so much of the humor is based on what Black and Downey Jr. accomplished in “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”). “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” is still the high point of the MCU, a terrific and surprisingly character-driven action thriller that barely felt like a superhero flick. The point I’m laboriously trying to get to is that while “Civil War” for the most part takes itself seriously and actually approaches “Winter Soldier” levels of greatness, it can’t help but fall back on the lame, quippy, fanboy-masturbating sameness that has defined this cinematic universe since Joss Whedon first got involved with the franchise.

The plot is that a mysterious man frames Captain America’s friend Bucky for a terrorist attack, while Tony Stark feels guilty about collateral damage caused by the Avengers’ various battles and wants to sign some UN accord to make the Avengers government regulated, and tries to hunt Cap down when he goes rogue to try and protect Bucky. It’s pretty convoluted stuff if you’re not already caught up on the franchise, but not too difficult to follow. My main concern going into this film was that it’d be more of an “Avengers” film than a “Captain America” film. Cap’s films have a good track record, while the two Avengers movies are kinda crap. Thankfully, the heavy focus is on Cap and his efforts to protect Bucky from an increasingly hostile and angry Tony Stark. Despite what the marketing tries to say, the whole UN accord business feels minor at best, only there for a #WhoseSideAreYouOn hashtag to appease the autists who want their precious comic-book to be faithfully adapted. The story is surprisingly engaging, and while the aforementioned mysterious man is the real villain and does an effective job, the role of antagonist is actually filled really well by Iron Man. The characters are given enough room that pretty much everyone in the ensemble gets a moment to shine, the pacing is good, and (despite the Russo Brothers’ annoying use of shaky-cam and fast editing) the action scenes are solid and actually serve a purpose. It was almost a great “Captain America” film. And then Spider-Man shows up.

Spider-Man was added to this film halfway through filming due to Marvel striking a deal with Sony Pictures for the rights to the character, and his crowbarring into the movie is really obvious. There’s a whole half-hour of the movie that he’s in, where from introduction to the big punch-up at the airport to his exit, it feels like a completely different film, filled with the aforementioned light-hearted quippy humor that pretty much completely dissolves all tension, momentum, and conflict that movie had done a pretty good job building up to that point. It’s not bad in and of itself, but it feels like it suddenly became an “Avengers” movie, a big-budget re-enactment of a 10-year-old boy playing with his action figures. The only reason I don’t despise this part of the movie is because it at least has a few genuinely funny moments (most of them courtesy of Paul Rudd’s Ant-Man). The film recovers fairly well from this, and actually serves up a strong and pretty emotional climax that isn’t just wanton CGI destruction, but it still left a bad taste in my mouth, like I was bukkake’d by neo-nerd hipsters while sleeping and managed to clean myself off but the stains on my soul remained.

Look, I’ve said a bunch of negative (and some disgusting) things about this movie and the MCU in general, but “Civil War” is overall a good movie. The character work is strong, it’s occasionally funny, the cast is mostly terrific, and it’s definitely in the upper-echelon of this franchise. But the things that hold this series back (the sameness, the dull visuals, the lack of stakes, circlejerking, etc.) hold this movie back as well. Who knows? Once they’re done with this phase of the MCU, they can actually start to experiment and not just make the same kind of movie over and over, because let’s face it; people will come see these anyway. Hell, give me a She-Hulk movie directed by David Lynch, or a blaxploitation-style origin story about Nick Fury starring Michael Jai White, or a musical romantic-comedy about Squirrel Girl directed by George Miller. I don’t know. I’d rather see any of those than ANOTHER GODDAMN SPIDER-MAN REBOOT.

27. Train to Busan – Pretty much what you’d expect, plot and character-wise, from a zombie movie, but damned if South Korea doesn’t possess some of the finest film directors in the world, and Yeon Sang-Ho brings his A-game to revitalize an appropriately undead genre. Great cast, intense and creative set-pieces, and a nicely emotional focus on character. I’m not Korean, so I’m not sure if there’s any satire or message involved (the film does seem like a pretty accurate depiction of South Korea when StarCraft II servers go down). Somewhat dragged down by iffy CGI and the hair-pulling stupidity and dickheadedness of main human antagonist, who makes “The Walking Dead” Season 2-era Shane seem like a rational and believable fellow.

26. Fences – Little more than a filmed play, but a well-filmed one bolstered by good writing and knockout performances from Denzel Washington and Viola Davis. About 20 minutes too long.

25. Arrival - Canadian director Denis Villeneuve has been making quite the reputation for himself in recent years for his mature and well-crafted thrillers. While I find his movies just a touch overrated, I do admire a lot in them, from the technical craft to his ability to command strong performances out of all of his actors. This year’s “Arrival” continues that trend, marking his most mature film to date and one of the extremely rare mainstream hard science-fiction movies to come out these days. This is not a movie about laser battles and space explosions and sticking your tongue down the throats of hot human-looking alien babes (I’m excited for “Mass Effect: Andromeda”, alright?), but about communication.

Several banana-shaped alien spacecraft touch down at random points around the earth without any apparent motive or pattern, and countries around the globe bring experts together to try and communicate with them. The plot centers around linguistics professor Amy Adams, who is brought in by the military along with a physicist played by Jeremy Renner to head into the alien craft in America to try and set up communications with the aliens. It’s a neat perspective to see one of these alien contact movies from someone trying to understand them rather than fight them, and Amy Adams turns in another strong performance as a woman who is experiencing a personal crisis while being at the very center of a worldwide phenomenon. The rest of the cast is good too, but this is her movie to command, and she does so with ease.

While Villeneuve no longer has Roger Deakins as director of photography to rely on, he and his new DP Bradford Young make this a very strikingly beautiful movie, filled with bleak subdued colors but with an astonishing sense of scale. The scene where Amy Adams enters the alien craft for the first time is outstanding, with the camera work, lighting, and environment doing a genuinely amazing job conveying how…well, alien the ship feels. I also like the design of the aliens themselves (a sort-of cross between the facehuggers from “Alien” and the Reapers from “Mass Effect”), a refreshing change from the humanoid aliens you typically see in sci-fi.

The plot is surprisingly brainy, primarily concerned with the process of establishing of communication and later a very different perception of time and choice from how we typically perceive them. It’s not too difficult to wrap your head around this stuff, but you do have to pay attention, because this isn’t a movie that dumbs itself down or holds your hand.

As much as I admire and enjoyed the movie, I do have a criticism, and it’s that the whole thing feels…cold. I don’t just mean the color palette or the really strong air conditioning in the theater where I watched it. I mean emotionally cold. I’ve heard a lot of people praise how emotional the film is, but it didn’t really affect me all that much. Even the scenes with Amy Adams and her daughter, no matter how Malick-y they’re shot, felt mostly like salad dressing to try and make the audience connect with the main character. Even when you (no-spoiler) find out the plot significance of these scenes, I liked it much more on an intellectual level than on a gut-level. Also, and this part is hard to explain without spoilers, but there’s a love story that’s pretty crucial to the theoretical concepts later in the film that feels comically underdeveloped, like we’re supposed to believe these people fall in love despite working with each other for a few days and rarely talking about anything other than work (and because they’re attractive movie stars, of course). Plus, there are quite a few annoyingly clichéd characters, like the fear-mongering radio talk show host, the weary and no-nonsense military man, and a Chinese officer named General Shang who apparently rules the entire country of China without answering to anybody.

Despite these niggles, I still liked “Arrival” a lot. It attempts (and in my mind strongly succeeds) to present a realistic scenario of what alien contact would be like in today’s political and cultural climate, and again, it’s really refreshing to see a science-fiction film where science, communication and peace are used for conflict resolution as opposed to violence. It’s really ambitious on both a thematic level and a technical one (the special effects in this movie are some of the most seamless and believable I’ve ever seen), and even the problems I have with the writing don’t distract from Denis Villeneuve’s directorial talent. Here’s hoping he doesn’t screw up the new “Blade Runner”.

24. Shin Godzilla – Lacks the awe-inspiring visuals and sense of scale of Gareth Edwards’ “Godzilla” (which I forgive because this had like 1/10th the budget), but makes up for it with a richer story and sense of humanity. Whereas that film is about our powerlessness at the hands of giant monsters, this one is more about working together to overcome it. What begins as a bureaucratic farce eventually gives way to the Japanese government putting aside any squabbles and politics to focus on saving the lives of its citizens from a giant, rampaging lizard. It’s kind of inspiring to see a movie like this where a government tries to prevent destruction instead of causing it (with a not-so-subtle pisstake of the Americans, whose contribution to the efforts amounts to little more than bombing and almost nuking Tokyo). Plus, Godzilla himself is awesome here, looking and acting like a genuine monster, and pulled off with a nice mix of practical and digital effects (other than his initial form where he looks like a retarded CGI iguana with googly eyes). Kickass soundtrack, as well.

23. War on Everyone – “I’ve always wondered; if you hit a mime (with a car), does he make a sound?” Michael Peña’s character wonders out loud at the start of the movie, right before he and his partner (and driver) find out. Within one minute of the movie, you already know if it’s for you or not. “War on Everyone” is about two cops (Peña and Alexander Skarsgård) who are as corrupt as they come. They regularly blackmail and beat up suspects, take bribes, and drink on the job. They never really try to justify this behavior. Their attitude can be best summed up by a line Skarsgård says before getting into the driver’s seat of a car while piss-drunk; “Let’s go fuck some scumbags.” There’s some plot about their investigation into a robbery/murder orchestrated by the guy from those shitty “Divergent” movies who looks like discount-Toby Kebbell, but the plot feels like an afterthought. It’s more so about the two characters and their antics and their musings on life, greatly enlivened by the excellent performances and chemistry of the two leads, as well as the cracking, pitch-black funny script from writer/director John Michael McDonagh (who also made the fantastic Irish gems “Calvary” and “The Guard”). This feels like if McDonagh made a Shane Black film. It’s not a powerful meditation on faith and morality like “Calvary” and it’s not a great character-study like “The Guard”, but “War on Everyone” shows that even a lower-tier McDonagh film is still as hilarious and biting as they come, and it even comes with a bit of heart and soul. Still, definitely not recommended to the easily-offended. It feels kind of pointless, but I could listen to McDonagh characters talk shit to each other all day.

22. 10 Cloverfield Lane - I will try to be as spoiler-free as possible in this review. Honestly, if you STILL haven’t seen it and want to, just go watch it and know that it definitely comes recommended.

I’ll admit it; even though I wasn’t a huge fan of the shaky-cam monster-athon that was “Cloverfield”, the mysterious and vague trailer for “10 Cloverfield Lane” got me properly hyped up as I tried to figure out the connection between the two movies. In an unusual twist, most of the movie is only tangentially a work of science-fiction. The plot is about a young woman named Michelle who runs away from home as some vague disaster occurs. She’s knocked out, and wakes up in an underground survival shelter run by a paranoid survivalist named Howard, along with a young guy named Emmett. Howard says that there has been a massive attack, but Michelle is skeptical and is unsure if Howard is trustworthy or crazy.

The bulk of the film is in the bunker, as the trio try to cope with the various realities of living in a survival shelter, including each other. This entire section is excellent. Deftly alternating between lighthearted bonding, uncomfortable comedy, and pressure-cooker intensity, debut director Dan Trachtenberg shows he is an expert when it comes to tone, pacing, and atmosphere, further enlivened by Bear McCreary’s terrific score. Even better is the main trio of actors, all of whom play off of each other well and really flesh out their characters. The guy who plays Emmett displays a dopey likability that suits the character well, while Mary Elizabeth Winstead makes Michelle much more intelligent, tough and compelling than your average "horror" protagonist (I use that term broadly). Powerfully commanding the whole movie is John Goodman, who easily makes Howard sympathetic at times and genuinely terrifying at others. This is a brilliantly batshit performance by one of our very best character actors, and even if the rest of the production wasn’t up to par (which it definitely is), he alone would make this film worth watching.

The reason this movie isn’t higher on my list is because of the last 10-or-so minutes. Without going into detail (and the trailer gives this away anyway), Michelle leaves the bunker by the end. It’s like the entire film gets wrapped up and ends satisfyingly, but then it goes on for another 10 minutes that feels like a completely different movie with a whiplash-inducing change in tone. It’s all still skillfully made and well-acted, but the effect just feels bizarre if you’re watching it for the first time. At first I thought the sequence was there to connect it to the first “Cloverfield” and make it a semi-sequel, but it’s too vague for me to buy it.

Maybe it is all some continuous “Cloverfield” universe, or better yet, it’s an anthology film series in the vain of “The Twilight Zone” or “Black Mirror”, one where talented up-and-coming directors make unique sci-fi thrillers. If that’s the case, it’s best not to read too much into the ending, and to just try and accept the movie as a standalone despite the jarring tonal shift at the end. One thing I actually quite liked about the ending is that it satisfyingly concludes Michelle’s character arc, making her a surprisingly well-developed protagonist that has actually grown by the end. Maybe if I watch this again (and I do plan to), I’ll like it more and probably give it a higher spot on the list, but even on a first impression, “10 Cloverfield Lane” is an engaging and balls-tighteningly tense thriller with a top-notch cast and production working at the top of their game. John Goodman is so good, man.

21. London Has Fallen – Holy hell, where do I even begin? Rare is the movie where I honestly cannot tell if it’s trying to be a comedy or not. It has a serious post-9/11 depiction of terrorism, but it treats all the bad guys like cannon fodder to be disposed of in spectacular ways. It has some lines about the consequences of U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East, but these lines are throwaway at best and never brought up again. It tries to somewhat humanize its villains, but it also has Gerard Butler executing a wheel-chair bound terrorist before going on a tirade about how they’ll never win and that America will still be standing in a thousand years (not sure if the Third Reich comparison is intentional).

The action scenes are competently shot/staged, if unremarkable (despite a fun CGI-assisted long-take shootout). The script feels like it was either written in a weekend or improvised on the spot by Butler and company. In fact, I feel like this wasn’t originally written as a sequel to “Olympus Has Fallen”. None of the previous movie’s events are referenced, and all the recurring cast members (save for Butler and Aaron Eckhart) feel like glorified crowbarred-in cameos. It’s absurd to have a White House cabinet of Oscar winners/nominees and give them all a collective 5 minutes of screen-time. I’m pretty sure Oscar-winner Melissa Leo doesn’t even have any lines. I’m sure the paycheck was nice, at least. The first 15 minutes or so are fairly boring, even if things pick up considerably afterwards.

The one indisputable quality this movie has is Gerard Butler. Butler gives a genuinely jaw-dropping performance as bloodthirsty and very likely insane Secret Service agent Mike Banning (our hero, naturally). Mike Banning is the type of guy who reacts to getting shot in the shoulder and the birth of his child with roughly the same facial expression. Mike Banning is the type of guy who despite being very proficient with and usually having convenient access to firearms, frequently elects to brutally stab the bad guys numerous times with a combat knife. (“Was that really necessary?” President Aaron Eckhart asks after Banning slowly stabs a terrorist in the ribs to death while making his brother listen via walkie-talkie. “No”, Banning bluntly admits.) Even from the peaceful initial scenes of him accompanying the President on a jog or talking to his wife, you can tell something is very off about him. We as the audience are of course expecting/awaiting shit to hit the fan, but Butler is nearly trembling with anticipation to start murdering terrorists during these scenes. Butler makes almost every bit of dialogue sound like a badass one-liner, on one occasion offering the President a glass of water while saying “I don’t know about you, but I’m thirsty as fuck”, spewing the word “fuck” out of the side of his mouth like a shotgun blast. Even on the off-chance that the movie isn’t taking the piss, Butler most definitely is. I’m not being ironic when I say that this is one of the great comic performances of our time, and the success of the movie (for me) is due to the movie being centered around Butler and his hilariously absurd machoism.

The director of this movie is an Iranian who escaped his war-torn home to Sweden as a boy. This, coupled with Butler’s performance, Butler and Eckhart’s borderline-homoerotic bromance, the ridiculous one-liners and speeches, and an indefensibly heroic portrayal of drone-warfare, makes me feel like “London Has Fallen” is really one big satire of U.S. foreign policy subtly disguised as a stupid, offensive action movie, something conservative idiots will applaud, liberal idiots will condemn, and fun, smart, attractive people will appreciate and enjoy for what it is. I saw this and “Gods of Egypt” with a few friends as a sort of once-in-a-lifetime Gerard Butler double-feature, and I had a grand time.

I felt like I could smell this movie, and I like that. Watching “London Has Fallen” is like sex; You wouldn’t want someone walking in on you during, and you’ll probably want to take a shower afterwards, but once you get past the initial foreplay, it’s a great time from start to raucous, bloody finish.

Wow, that metaphor got gross in a hurry.

20. The Witch – I put off watching “The Witch” because every time in the past few years that people heralded the newest “great, modern horror film” (It Follows, The Babadook, etc.), I found them to be massively overrated and even a bit disappointing, even despite their good qualities. After finally seeing it, I can safely say that it’s definitely one of the best horror films in years (which isn’t saying much, but still).

The story is of an early 17th century Puritan family who get exiled from their village and set up a farm in an isolated area near the woods. Strange supernatural things start happening to them, and the movie becomes the gradual degradation of their mental states, as they start to blame and fight amongst each other, not unlike my beloved “The Thing”.

This is a very atmospheric, slow-burning kind of horror. The emphasis is on creeping dread rather than murdering attractive 20-something teenagers. For a first-time filmmaker, director Robert Eggers shows an excellent grasp of pacing, tone, and visual storytelling. Once you get used to the historical Ye Olde English manner in which the characters speak (subtitles are recommended), the writing is surprisingly quite good, with well-defined characters with clear conflicts and motivations. The acting ensemble is terrific. The whole movie is pretty much just two parents, a teenage daughter, an adolescent boy, and two young children, and they are all fantastic. Seriously, as someone who despises children (both in real life and in film), this is some of the best child-acting I’ve ever seen.

My problem with the movie is that (and this is kind of a spoiler, but it happens early in the film) I was hoping that it wouldn’t be clear whether or not the supernatural stuff is actually happening, or if the family is just losing their minds because of some clever metaphor or allegory. But no, it’s revealed pretty early on that it is actually supernatural stuff, which takes away some of the surprise and the suspense. The music is the kind of discordant “unnerving” string-heavy stuff you’d expect in a horror movie, and I often felt that silence would be much more effective during the scenes it’s used in.  Also, without giving away anything, the ending is pretty silly. It wraps up the story and the character arc of the lead character (the teenage daughter), but the manner in which it does it felt kind of over-the-top. You know what, though? I honestly thought we would get some shitty, cop-out, cut-to-black ending 5 minutes earlier, so it’s not that big of a deal. I’ll take a retarded ending over a non-ending any day of the week.

“The Witch” is a horror movie for those who don’t like horror movies, and one that treats its audience with intelligence and respect, and (the last few minutes notwithstanding) is actually satisfying and builds well to its climax. As someone who doesn’t care much for horror movies, I would say that “The Witch” lives up to the hype, and is well-worth checking out. Also, best (and surprisingly similar) use of a goat since Sam Raimi’s “Drag Me to Hell”.

19. Nocturnal Animals – A problem a lot of movies have for me in particular is when they’re tonally or stylistically inconsistent, feeling like two separate movies at odds with each other. Tom Ford’s “Nocturnal Animals” is a rare example of a movie with strikingly different stories complementing each other and actually improving the end product. The film is about a LA art exhibitor played by Amy Adams, who has an unhappy personal life despite her successful professional life. One day, her long-estranged ex-husband sends her a copy of his upcoming novel, a violent thriller about a family man terrorized by hillbillies in West Texas. The movie cuts between the novel’s story, Adams’ current life, and her past relationship with the ex-husband.

Tom Ford showed with his debut “A Serious Man” that he was great at filming and telling a story about people in rich houses being sad, as he does here, but also displays an uncanny talent at filming a gritty desert-set revenge tale. The parallels between the real life story and the novel are very finely drawn, and while I found the novel sections much more gripping than the Amy Adams story, the seemingly-disparate styles and tones never clash and instead fit really well with each other, creating a movie that is more than the sum of its parts. For a fashion designer, it’s surprising how good of a writer and director Tom Ford is, and he shows that “A Single Man” wasn’t just beginner’s luck.

Also helping the movie is the fantastic cast. Jake Gyllenhaal gives one of his best performances as both the ex-husband and the protagonist of the novel story, and Amy Adams shows incredible nuance and subtlety, reminding us why she is one of the best actresses working today. Michael Shannon steals the show for me (yes, I love him and I’m biased, shut up) as a shady detective in the novel’s story. All the supporting players are great as well, even if their roles aren’t as meaty.

My main complaints are that the dialogue is sometimes silly, some of the supporting characters are pretty one-dimensional and cartoonish (Amy Adam’s current-day husband played by Armie Hammer is a distant businessman who has to go away to New York to “make that very important sale”), and that the editing is a little wonky and overdone at some minor points. I initially had mixed-feelings about the ending, feeling that it was a bit anticlimactic and expected more to happen, but after thinking about it and how it ties to the movie’s themes and character relationships, I like it a lot more in retrospect. Unlike the movie, I can’t think of a good way to wrap this review up, but I’ll say that “Nocturnal Animals” is engaging, unique, and worth checking out, so let’s move on.

18. The Wailing – Its imposing length and frustrating lack of resolution/clarity can be hard to overcome for some people, but this South Korean supernatural horror flick is (in terms of acting, writing, directing, pacing, editing, themes, and just plain scariness and dread) the best and most effective horror film in quite a while. Like a bloodier and more emotionally tormenting version of “The Witch”.

17. La La Land – Before some of you call for my beheading for placing “La La Land” this “low” on my list, let me begin by saying that I still enjoyed the damn thing. From a purely technical perspective, “La La Land” is hands-down one of the best films of the year. Damien Chazelle’s immaculate direction perfectly captures the nostalgic sense one gets from watching old Hollywood musicals. This, coupled with terrific musical numbers and game actors makes “La La Land” an easy movie to enjoy. The story, however, is where the movie is a bit shaky.

The plot is about a down-on-their-luck aspiring actress and jazz pianist who fall in love while pursuing their dreams, and struggle to deal with the reality of keeping their relationship together while their paths go in different directions. The movie goes for a contrast between a magical, cheery Hollywood musical and a more grounded, dramatic approach, but for most of the movie it doesn’t quite gel as well as one would hope. I loved the first half of the movie, where it’s an extravagant musical about aspiring artists, but halfway through, it kind of jarringly becomes a relationship drama, with hardly any musical numbers, and this part seriously drags. It’s only near the end where Emma Stone sings her big “Give me an Oscar, goddammit” number that I even remembered this movie was supposed to be a musical. It’s like the movie takes two different approaches to its material, whereas one middle-ground approach (keep the big musical bits throughout but make them gradually more dramatic) would have made the movie a lot better, in my opinion. It doesn’t help that the two lead characters just aren’t very interesting. Don’t get me wrong; Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling try their damnedest here, but it feels more like two likable actors playing parts instead of real people with flaws and humanity, a feeling exacerbated by them not even having that good a chemistry.

If you can put up with an uneven viewing experience long enough, the film rewards you with one of the best endings I’ve seen in years, one where the themes, motivations, and songs are meshed together in a perfectly bittersweet sequence that actually makes up for a lot of the film’s flaws, and the one point in the film where the aforementioned contrast between fantasy and reality is perfectly in sync with the filmmaking style. It’s here where it stops being a movie about struggling artists and becomes something grander; a film about following your dreams but realizing that life never really works out the way you intend. This and the opening single-take number are ones for the ages, and make the film worth watching all by themselves. To put it in a one-sentence review, “La La Land” is still a case of a movie musical being really good in the first half but fizzling out in the second (something which happened in every one I’ve ever seen besides the “South Park” movie), but at least it recovers well enough to leave a positive impression.

16. The Shallows – I’m as surprised as you that this “hot-girl-gets-attacked-by-shark” film is this high up on my list, but here we are. Blake Lively plays said hot girl, a medical student who travels to an isolated beach in Mexico as a sort of spiritual journey/tribute to her deceased mother, and before long gets shark’d and stranded a few hundred feet from shore on some rocks during low-tide. I thought this would be the sort of cheeky, “Piranha 3D”-esque exploitation flick, but “The Shallows” actually has enough confidence to take itself fairly seriously. The main character has intelligence and some depth and even an arc (as obvious as it may be), and she’s buoyed by Lively’s terrific and believable performance. The shark is intimidating and scary, even when it’s not onscreen. The film has a good sense of progression, gradually escalating the threat level before arriving at the admittedly over-the-top but highly entertaining finale. It has a scene of the main character performing surgery on herself, which for some morbid reason I’ve always enjoyed seeing in movies and shows. And to top it all off, there’s a seagull that befriends the main character as she’s stranded, played by an actual trained seagull whose reactions (and lack thereof) are hilarious and his role in the plot surprisingly affecting. This seems like a stupid thing to harp on about, but if there was an Oscar for Best Performance by an Animal, Sully the Seagull’s performance as Steven Seagull would easily take home the prize.

There are a few issues, like how the main character tends to speak too much to herself (i.e. the audience) about her situation, and while I didn’t hate the very end of the movie, I do wish the film had ended a minute or two earlier right when it had a perfect moment to do so, instead of going on with an epilogue. However, given the expectations I had going in, director Jaume Collet-Serra uses Blake Lively’s good looks and strong acting ability, the beautiful camerawork and setting, his storytelling skills, and an adorable seagull to blow those expectations completely out of the water (har-har).

15. The Handmaiden – Gorgeously filmed, lurid, and thoroughly entertaining Korean erotic thriller with strong performances, writing, and a wonderfully dark sense of humor (an attempted hanging scene yielded one of the year’s biggest laughs for me). Strikes a good balance between artful grace and trashy pulp.

14. Silence – Of the 2016 films in which an accented and deeply religious Andrew Garfield has his faith tested by horrific violence committed by the Japanese, I like “Hacksaw Ridge” more, but this is still a powerful and deeply personal look at faith from Martin Scorsese. A challenging movie, but rewarding if you put in the effort to understand it thematically. A bit overlong and repetitive in the middle portion (though this is probably intentional), and I feel like the movie would be better if Garfield and Adam Driver switched roles, but from the moment Liam Neeson comes back into the movie, it’s outstanding to the end.

13. The Dressmaker – In the early ‘50s, a bus rolls into a tiny, rural Australian town that looks like something out of a Western. Out steps Kate Winslet, accompanied by a Morricone-esque guitar and violin, immaculately dressed and carrying a sewing machine in her case, who proceeds to light up a cigarette and say “I’m back, you bastards.”

Two minutes in and you already know you’re in for a fun movie. Winslet plays a dressmaker who returns to her hometown after being banished as a child to care for her cantankerous mother (Judy Davis), and before long, dredges up a lot of bad blood among the townsfolk that hurt and humiliated her years ago. To say any more would be to spoil the wonderful weirdness that emanates from this film. “The Dressmaker” blends family melodrama, Western, comedy that ranges from the dark to the surreal to the slapstick, campiness, tragedy, romance, and revenge. It’s a mess, sure, but it struts along with such confidence in itself and its source material that all these seemingly disparate elements miraculously work together, for the most part. It helps that Winslet and Davis are so excellent that they deftly maneuver through all these tones and keep you engaged in what’s happening. It’s tough to say what kind of person I’d recommend this to, but I’ll say this; If you’ve always wanted an Australian Western version of “Twin Peaks” where the protagonist is a female couturier instead of a male gunslinger, then “The Dressmaker” will quench that extremely particular thirst.

A note on why I consider Kate Winslet to be one the best actors in the business: SHE IS A FOREIGN ACTOR THAT NAILS A PERFECT AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.

12. 20th Century Women – Mike Mills somewhat tones down the quirkiness from “Beginners”, but still delivers a personal, heartfelt, and funny portrayal of humanity, here subverting the typical coming-of-age story of his teenage boy self-insert protagonist by focusing the film on the women in his life and how their feminist strength and independence help shape him as he grows up. Fantastic performances from Annette Bening and Greta “Love of my Life” Gerwig.

11. Moana – Beautiful visuals, wonderful music, top-notch voice acting, and a compelling and even touching story. I was pleasantly surprised by how long the movie took to set up the characters and their relationships and individual personalities before diving into the adventure. Even the stuff I normally find annoying in Disney movies (needless action scenes, cute animal sidekicks, hip modern references) are toned down here. Maui (voiced by The Rock, who has more charisma than the ocean has water, and a nice singing voice to boot) is extremely entertaining, but Moana is surprisingly a compelling character herself, someone who has aspirations and flaws and a sense of agency, as opposed to the usual dull Disney heroines who unwillingly fall into their fate before falling in love with Prince Flawless McGeneric. Great, empowering message (especially for young girls) about forging your own path in life. A million bonus points for not giving Moana a forced love interest. Another million points for Jemaine Clement as a giant, singing crab. Best animated film of 2016 by a wide margin. Disney’s best non-Pixar movie since “Lilo & Stitch”. Probably my favorite Disney Princess movie. I don’t care what anyone says; “Moana” was fucking lit.

10. Eddie the Eagle – One thing I’ve noticed about myself lately is how sick I am of “irony”. Not in the dramatic sense, but in the “replacing sincerity and any genuine feeling with some detached sense of humor” sense. I think it was the inexplicable but somehow expected rise in popularity of a meme involving a dead gorilla that did it for me. But my point is, lately I’ve been finding myself watching movies otherwise labeled as “corny” or “cheesy” by jaded, cynical and emotionally detached people, who do so just because said movies believe in their own stories without shame or self-referential humor. Well, fuck those people. They can rot in hell along with their precious gorilla.

“Eddie the Eagle” is about Michael “Eddie” Edwards, a British skier who despite having very little experience and natural talent managed through sheer determination and willpower to accomplish his dream of competing in the 1988 Winter Olympics. Eddie comes from a working class family with a loving, supportive mother and a stern, disapproving father. Despite being a talented skier, he is rejected by Olympic board members due to his uncouth and dopey nature. He realizes that he still has a chance of making it onto the Olympic team as a ski-jumper, since the British have not competed in the sport in several decades, so he runs away to Europe to start training, where he meets an alcoholic former ski-jumper-turned-snow-groomer that helps him train.

This film has pretty much every inspirational sports cliché imaginable, from the plucky loser underdog, to the grumpy mentor, to the uplifting synthesizer music, to the late moments where the protagonist is at his lowest point and wants to give up, and so on. In many cases these would be negatives. However, the movie embraces these clichés instead of trying to shy away from them, and in doing so it feels so sincere and full of heart that it actually works. You acknowledge the unoriginality, but you find yourself rooting for Eddie to succeed so much that you just don’t care. Dexter Fletcher’s direction is spirited and full of energy, the aforementioned synth music by Matthew Margeson is wonderful, and the two lead performances by Taron Egerton as Eddie and Hugh Jackman as his mentor are excellent. The movie isn’t all that historically accurate. The real Eddie Edwards himself said that “only about 5%” of the film is true, and even the tagline is “Inspired by a dream come true”, rather than “Based on a true story”. But as a Huffington Post critic said, “You can't believe most of it, but you can believe in it. That's a subtle but important difference.”

But do you want to know why this movie is so high up on my list? So many movies over the years have been praised as “emotional” and “tear-jerking” and to me ended up feeling manipulative and artificial (*cough*Room*cough*). “Eddie the Eagle”, however, with all its sincerity and heart and feel-good splendor, touched me so much that I actually cried at the end. I can count the movies that made me genuinely cry on one hand, and this is the only one that has ever made me cry tears of joy instead of sadness. If the ending scene at the airport doesn’t melt your heart, then congratulations on not having one.

9. Hunt for the Wilderpeople - Due to my continual disappointment in my usual preferred genres of film in 2016, I started to branch out a bit and check out films I otherwise normally wouldn’t, one of which is New Zealand coming-of-age comedy drama “Hunt for the Wilderpeople”. The plot is about a young juvenile delinquent boy and his grumpy foster father who, due to odd circumstances, find themselves hunted by the law and escape to “the bush”, the vast New Zealand forests. We follow them as the two survive, get into various misadventures, and face off with an obsessed child services worker. To reveal any more would be to spoil this wonderful movie. Suffice it to say I enjoyed the hell out of it. Rarely do you encounter a movie that does adventure, buddy comedy, or tragic drama this well, let alone one that does all three, while at the same time showing interesting aspects of Kiwi culture and the beautiful landscape without feeling like a travelogue. The boy (Julian Dennison) starts off as annoying, but this is intentional rather than the fault of bad acting, and he not only grows on you but also shows a good deal of comic timing and emotional range. Sam Neill as the grumpy foster dad gives a career-best performance, showing the kind of depth I didn’t expect from someone who I think I’ve only ever seen in the “Jurassic Park” movies. Honestly, I recommend this film to pretty much anyone (that has access to subtitles). It’s funny, touching, creative, and lovely to look at. Between this and “What We Do in the Shadows”, writer/director Taika Waititi has given me just the slightest bit of hope that “Thor: Ragnarok” will actually be good.

8. Paterson – Wonderfully understated, warm, and compassionate ode to the passion and creativity found in everyday life, making even the smallest mundanities feel profound and moving. No story arc or big dramatic moments to speak of; just the story of a quiet but observant bus driver/poet and his seemingly unremarkable but, well, poetic life. The relationship between Adam Driver and his wife (Golshifteh Farahani) is one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen in a movie. Also; casting Adam Driver as a bus driver? Bravo, Jim Jarmusch.

7. The Nice Guys – I can’t believe I used to not care for Ryan Gosling. Granted, for the longest time the only movie I’d seen him in was “Drive”, and it’s hard to take someone seriously as an actor when all the role asks of someone is to stare silently for uncomfortably long periods and occasionally hit people. But nonetheless, in recent years the guy has done phenomenal work and completely won me over as an actor, culminating in Shane Black’s “The Nice Guys”, where he gives his best performance to date. He is shockingly funny and provides not only a lot of the laughs in this movie, but also a good deal of its heart. He’s gotten a lot of awards attention for his role in “La La Land”, but to me this is the highlight of his career so far.

Gosling plays an alcoholic, bumbling private detective and single father who teams up with the low-rent enforcer who broke his arm (Russell Crowe) to crack a major conspiracy involving a missing girl and a dead porn star. Tagging along for much of the mystery is Gosling’s teenage daughter, played by Angourie Rice in one of the best child performances I’ve ever seen in a movie (damning with faint praise, but still, give her credit), easily holding her own in scenes with Gosling and Crowe, despite a few awkward line deliveries. The three leads are great and have excellent chemistry with each other and with the strong supporting cast, helped along by Black’s hilarious dialogue, irreverent sense of humor, and his continuing growth as a director. I already harped on this in previous reviews, but it’s really refreshing to see a comedy that actually sets its jokes up before giving them a good payoff, especially one where some setups aren’t initially obvious (a seemingly throwaway story about Richard Nixon ended up giving me one of the biggest laughs of the year later on).

There’s kind of a lack of urgency to the mystery that makes the pacing a bit lethargic. I didn’t mind it much because the characters are so likable that you don’t mind spending time with them, but it’s worth mentioning. While there’s some character conflict and growth, I wish it tied into the plot a bit more. The lack of a clear antagonist for the first half of the movie also hurts. There are a lot of jokes and visual gags, and while most work, a few do fall flat. I feel like an extra rewrite and some tighter editing could fix most of these problems, and none of them are by any means a deal-breaker.

It feels weird to call this film “original”, since it’s more or less the same film Shane Black’s been making for the past 30 years, but in an increasingly bland world of mainstream filmmaking, it’s so refreshing to see a unique voice like Black do his own thing with a great cast and a solid budget. It’s a damn shame that a film which should’ve led to some sequels instead just barely made its’ production budget back. Put it another way; if you complain about a lack of originality in Hollywood but still paid money to see the latest superhero flick instead of “The Nice Guys”, please dip your head into a bucket of wet cement until the bubbles stop.

6. Hacksaw Ridge – I’m willing to go on record and say that “Hacksaw Ridge” is probably the most violent movie I’ve ever seen (at least the most violent since the last Mel Gibson movie). Considering this, only Mad Mel can make such an insanely violent film while also telling a moving story about one man’s faith and adherence to pacifism. The story is about Desmond Doss, a conscientious objector and pacifist who wanted to serve his country as a combat medic, and whose extraordinary rescue of over 70 soldiers during the Battle of Okinawa became the stuff of legend and earned him a Medal of Honor.

The movie has kind of a typical biopic structure, showing his early years as a troublesome lad who finds meaning in life with Christianity, to his young adult days where he tries to romance his impossibly attractive later-wife, before moving to the boot camp scenes where he’s persecuted by others for his refusal to pick up a gun, and finally to the war scenes. The transition between corny but solid, old-fashioned melodrama (or MEL-odrama) and the incredible, surreal, horrific war stuff may sound jarring, but in a very smart move, Gibson opens the film with a slow-motion montage of combat with a narration from Doss. This seems kind of clichéd, but it sets your mind up to expect the stuff you’ll see later, while at the same time taking away none of the impact.

Contrary to what some may think about the film and of Gibson going in, it’s not one of those shitty “Christians are good, others suck” films that do remarkably well in the southern states. The subject of the film is deeply religious and the film has its fair share of unsubtle Christ-like imagery, sure, but not only does it not beat you over the head with it, it even feels earned after seeing what Doss is put through. Plus, if anything, it’s less about the strength of faith and more about sticking to your convictions even when the whole world tests you. Plus, it’s refreshing for a war movie to heroically portray a man who saved lives instead of taking them.

Despite being away from the director’s chair for a decade, Gibson has lost none of his storytelling prowess or his penchant for striking imagery. The period and technical detail is fantastic (during one scene where you see through the scope of a Japanese sniper rifle, the film even got the scope right). Despite having to fill the late, great James Horner’s (who couldn’t do the film due to his unfortunate death in 2015) shoes, Rupert Gregson-Williams surprisingly turns in one of the strongest musical scores of the year. The mostly-Australian cast is excellent, with Andrew Garfield giving a career-best performance as Doss (at this point, I forgive him for “The Amazing Spiderman 2”), as well as strong supporting turns from Vince Vaughn as the funny/tough drill sergeant, and especially from Hugo Weaving as Doss’s PTSD-ridden WWI veteran father. Weaving genuinely looks like a man who died in the trenches in France but whose body still returned home, turning to booze and anger to make him forget the trauma he experienced.

I would say that Hacksaw Ridge has all the makings of a great film but is slightly held back by some story choices. The film kind of ends shortly after Doss’s heroic exploits with some standard biopic text and interviews from his real-life former comrades. It’s fine, but I think it would have had more impact to first show Doss returning home and reuniting with his wife and family, considering how prominent the theme of family was in the film. Also, there is one scene late in the movie involving Japanese officers, which I won’t spoil, but it feels forced and EXTREMELY unnecessary (I guess Gibson just has a thing for beheadings).

Still, considering how good this film is overall and how well it’s being received, I’m happy to report that Mel Gibson is no longer persona non-grata in Hollywood, and that I absolutely look forward to whatever he’s making next. Welcome back, Mel. We missed you.

Note: Something I thought of after watching “Hacksaw Ridge”; Mel Gibson could totally direct a “Mad Max” film.

5. Hell or High Water - On an early Texas morning, a two men rob a pair of branches of the Texas Midlands Bank. While not without a few hiccups, the robberies go smoothly. The two men are siblings; calm and smart divorced father Toby (Chris Pine), and his loose-cannon ex-con brother Tanner (Ben Foster). They are trying to raise enough money to save their family farm by paying off the foreclosing bank with its own stolen money, while being hunted down by Texas Rangers Marcus and Alberto (Jeff Bridges and Gil Birmingham), the former close to retirement. There are still a number of branches they need to rob in order to raise the needed amount. What ensues is one of the most mature and intelligent thrillers I’ve seen in a long time.

There is no black or white. Just two sides of the law. We understand both sides, and the motivation of each man. While the robbery scenes are thrilling and gritty, the movie actually shows a tremendous level of restraint. The pacing is deliberately slow, but the film is so well-made and well-written and so confident in itself that it never becomes boring, and it builds exceptionally well to its grip-you-by-the-balls climax. The movie spends a lot of time with the characters talking, with dialogue that feels both realistic and entertaining. The extremely underrated TV show "Justified" has instilled in me a joy in hearing Southern people talk shit to each other, and the movie doesn't let me down in that regard. The rural, neo-Western setting is wonderfully atmospheric and does a good job conveying how tough life can be in such a place (with a noteworthy supporting performance from Katy Mixon as a waitress who refuses to give back a large tip of stolen money to the Rangers).

Even though his character is pretty much a less alcoholic and more down-to-earth version of his Rooster Cogburn from the Coens’ “True Grit”, Bridges still impresses with a soulful and highly entertaining performance. Similarly, while Ben Foster feels a bit typecast as the “wild man” brother, he still knocks it out of the park with his confidence and screen presence. The biggest surprise is Chris Pine, tuning down his smirky charm and turning in his best performance to date as a man whose cool-headedness masks his desperation.

If I had to think of a flaw, it's that the film has a slightly-annoying over-reliance on licensed country songs in the first half of the movie...really, that's all I can think of. The slow pacing might be a turnoff for some people (some extremely thick people who very likely have ADHD and are virgins), but it pays off so well that I can't even consider it a problem for anyone with a three-digit IQ. If you are tired of action movies or thrillers being dumb, this is the movie for you. If you are tired of smart movies being dull, this is the movie for you. "Hell or High Water" is a diamond in the rough that is 2016, and deserves your attention.

4. Elle – I saw this movie solely because Paul Verhoeven directed a sizable portion of my childhood (Robocop, Total Recall, and Starship Troopers), and he has enough goodwill based on that alone that I’ll check out anything he makes. While his European films are noticeably different from his American action classics, one thing that hasn’t faltered is his skill as a director and unique voice in telling provocative stories. “Elle” certainly has one hell of an opening. A wealthy middle-aged woman named Michèle is attacked and raped in her home in France. After the intruder leaves, Michèle calmly collects herself, cleans herself and her home, and goes to work the next day as if nothing is wrong. The rest of the movie is about her conducting her own investigation into finding out who attacked her as we learn about her feelings and why she doesn’t notify the police, as well as her complicated relationships with her friends, neighbors and family.

I can definitely see a lot of people getting offended by this movie’s depiction of rape and its consequences on the main character, but considering how complex and unpredictable human beings can be, this is one of the most bracing, raw and honest depictions of the subject I’ve ever seen. Put it simply, this isn’t your typical rape-revenge film. The excellent writing and Verhoeven’s strong command of the material and his cast elevates it beyond what I thought possible. The characters are very well-defined, with all their own quirks and needs and insecurities, and despite how uncomfortable the film can be, it’s also surprisingly very funny in how it presents them and their relationships with each other, especially during a fantastic Christmas dinner scene where all the characters and their animosities come together. There is a lot of gossiping, resentment, passive-aggressiveness and cuckoldry on display (it’s a French movie, so no surprise there). The film is certainly lurid, but everything from the story and performances to the themes and subtext is done so well that you can’t stop watching. At no moment during its two-and-a-half-hour running time was I bored.

“Elle” is a film I wouldn’t recommend to everyone due to its’ length and subject matter, but thanks to the strong writing, Paul Verhoeven’s confident direction, and a stunning lead performance from Isabelle Huppert, this a bold, gripping, and surprisingly entertaining film that is absolutely worth going out of your way to see if you can stomach it. Plus, there’s a really cute cat.

With that out of the way; please come back to America and make another gory, over-the-top action film, Mr. Verhoeven. Hollywood needs you more than you need it.

3. Sing Street – An Irish lad from a broken home in 1985 Dublin gets transferred to a rough, inner-city school. Soon he meets a mysterious girl hanging around outside the school, and in an effort to impress her, asks her to be a model in a music video for his non-existent band.

What follows is a coming-of-age story about artistic expression and love where the boy gathers anyone that can play an instrument (including the funniest part of the movie where they try to recruit “probably the only black guy in Dublin”), starts making music and videos, and slowly starts bonding with the girl. It’s tough to make a movie set in 20th century Ireland feel optimistic, but writer/director John Carney deftly maneuvers between comedy and drama, makes the film simultaneously fantastic yet grounded, making the story of falling in love and following one’s dreams feel believable and easy to root for.

From the tagline “Boy meets girl. Girl unimpressed. Boy starts band”, you can probably guess the general progression of the plot. This, coupled with the fact that I don’t like coming-of-age stories, or musicals, or Irish people*, means that this film was facing an uphill battle from me. Imagine how goddamn good this film must be that it’s number 3 on my list this year. A cynic would say that it doesn’t face much competition from an unremarkable year for film like 2016, but “Sing Street” is a wonderful ode to the power of music and young love that would be great in any year, and I defy you to watch it without a smile on your face. Basically, if you possess a heart, a soul, a dream, a love for music, or a pulse, I cannot recommend “Sing Street” enough.

*kidding. I love you, you pale, swear-y, chip-shop bombing drunkards.

2. Star Trek Beyond – After a strong start to a reboot of the storied franchise with 2009’s “Star Trek”, the series took a nosedive with “Star Trek Into Darkness”, the woefully misguided attempt to make the series dark and gritty. Because of this and the new director being Justin Lin, a man who has made four (well, three and a cameo) films about Vin Diesel sleepily growling about family in between scenes of supercars performing Cirque du Soleil acts, I wasn’t all too excited for the new entry, even though it’d be written by talented comic actor and well-known nerd Simon Pegg. Who would have thought that Pegg and Lin would have been the ones that saved not only 2016 from being a shit year for blockbusters, but also the soul of the “Star Trek” franchise?

The plot is about Kirk and the Enterprise crew getting stranded on a remote world after being attacked by a mysterious warlord while investigating a missing ship. It’s a slick and self-contained adventure, making it feel like a long and big-budget episode of the series in the best possible way. I don’t want to imply that this is the “Star Trek” of yore. It’s still a big, over-the-top space action film. But it has something that the previous two films (especially Into Darkness) lacked; spirit. The spirit of discovery, of exploration, of optimism. That despite the dangers in the galaxy, any problem can be overcome as long as all the species work together. Most importantly, it has an emphasis on character, actually slowing down at times to let them breathe and talk and joke with each other (y’know, like they’re people or something, and not just plot-devices). There’s a wonderful little scene at the start where Kirk and Bones share a drink to toast Kirk’s deceased father, and the tributes to the gone-but-not-forgotten Leonard Nimoy and Anton Yelchin were beautifully done.

It’s remarkable how well Lin and Pegg capture this “Star Trek” spirit while still making an exciting, blockbuster action film. Lin brings his A-game to the action scenes, making them fun, creative, and natural as a story progression. You always understand why the action is happening, as opposed to a random fight being thrown in for its own sake. There’s a certain scene later in the film where a ship has to take on a swarm of smaller enemies with a familiar musical cue, and I cannot remember the last time I ever felt so much hype and childish glee in a movie scene.

I guess the villain is the same generic normal-guy-who-was-betrayed-and-wants revenge that the past two films had, but between the still-excellent cast (newcomer Sofia Boutella steals the show as an alien warrior/scavenger that Scotty meets), a strong soundtrack, awesome visuals, a fun story, involving action scenes, and that warm “Star Trek” feel to it, “Star Trek Beyond” feels like a jolt to the heart of a series that was in danger of becoming lost to soulless, studio-driven blockbuster territory. Assuming there’s more to this series of films, I cannot wait to see where the franchise boldly goes from here.

1. Free Fire – This is the most fun I’ve had in a theater since “Mad Max: Fury Road”. I wasn’t a huge fan of Ben Wheatley’s previous films, but among the material I didn’t really care for, I saw an undeniable talent in his work. Here, it’s like he used his powers to make a movie precisely for me.

The film is about an arms deal that takes place in a warehouse between two groups of criminals that quickly gets out of hand after shots are fired in the exchange. The remaining 70 minutes of this 90-minute long movie is basically one really long shootout as everyone picks sides, betray each other, and get increasingly wounded while rarely ceasing their shit-talking. Think “Reservoir Dogs” as a comedy of miscommunication. In an amazing feat of filmmaking, Wheatley makes sure that this lengthy shootout set mostly in one large room isn’t boring for a second. His smart, gradual escalation of events punctuated with a number of “holy shit” moments and set pieces, held together by excellent editing, keeps the film exciting and darkly funny throughout. In between the big moments, characters take pause to hurl expletives at each other and ponder their own situation as they desperately try to get out of it, adding up to people you care about and are interested in even if they’re all dicks. This is a brilliant example of how important pacing and characterization is to a film, especially to one with so little plot.

Also helping is the hilarious banter, delivered by a wonderful and colorful cast of characters played by a small but absolutely stellar cast. Everyone is great and play their characters perfectly, with a standout performance by Sharlto Copley as an unhinged, self-absorbed arms dealer who causes much of the conflict in the film. I knew I’d love him as soon as a character says “Vernon was misdiagnosed as a child genius and never got over it.” I also want to mention the sound design, which is some of the best in recent memory, with every bullet fired feeling like a loud jolt to one’s system. The writing is highly enjoyable on a superficial level, and even carries a bit of depth with the shootout being a clever allegory for human nature and just generally what happens when idiots own guns.

“Free Fire” is by far the best movie I saw this year, and when it gets a theatrical release, I implore you to go see it. The only complaints I can think of are that the ending is just alright, and after a certain point you start to wonder where some of the characters keep getting their ammo from. Time will tell if this film stands up to repeated viewings, but this was easily the funniest, craziest, and most entertaining film I’ve seen all year. Yes, my favorite movie of 2016 is a 2017 movie in which characters argue and shoot each other in a dirty warehouse for 90 minutes. Cinema isn’t dead yet.

The “30 and Still Living in Parents’ Basement” Award for Biggest Disappointment 

Nominees:

 ·         Jack Reacher: Never Go Back

·         Jason Bourne

·         Passengers

·         Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

·         Warcraft

Runner-up:

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Winner:

Passengers

The “Clever Marketing” Award for Best Tagline

Nominees:

·         Elvis & Nixon – “On December 21st, 1970, two of America's greatest recording artists met for the first time.”

·         Free Fire – “All guns. No control.”

·         London Has Fallen – “Prepare for bloody hell”

·         The Dressmaker – “Revenge is back in fashion”

Runner-up:

The Dressmaker

Winner:

Elvis & Nixon

The “Postcore Avantwave” Award for Best Film Score

Nominees:

·         Bear McCreary – 10 Cloverfield Lane

·         Justin Hurwitz – La La Land

·         Mark Mancina, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Opetaia Foa'i - Moana

·         Matthew Margeson – Eddie the Eagle

·         Michael Giacchino – Star Trek Beyond

·         Rupert Gregson-Williams – Hacksaw Ridge

·         Shirō Sagisu – Shin Godzilla

Runner-up:

Mark Mancina, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Opetaia Foa'i - Moana

Winner:

Bear McCreary – 10 Cloverfield Lane

The "I'm Glad We Decided to Keep It" Award for Best Child Performance

Nominees:

·         Angourie Rice - The Nice Guys

·         Auli'i Cravalho - Moana

·         Ferdia Walsh-Peelo – Sing Street

·         Harvey Scrimshaw - The Witch

·         Julian Dennison - Hunt for the Wilderpeople

·         Kim Su-an – Train to Busan

·         Lucas Jade Zumann – 20th Century Women

Runner-up:

Julian Dennison - Hunt for the Wilderpeople

Winner:

Angourie Rice - The Nice Guys

The “If Only the Rest of the Movie Was This Good” Award for Best Scene

Nominees:

·         Athens riot – Jason Bourne

·         Beach drowning – Silence

·         Captain America and Winter Soldier vs. Iron Man – Captain America: Civil War

·         Car chase – Operation Avalanche

·         Christmas dinner party – Elle

·         Climactic robbery/shootout/getaway – Hell or High Water

·         Desmond’s rescues – Hacksaw Ridge

·         “Drive It Like You Stole It” – Sing Street

·         Epilogue – La La Land

·         Entering the ship – Arrival

·         “How Far I’ll Go” – Moana

·         Police station – Manchester by the Sea

·         Sabotage – Star Trek Beyond

·         The un-destruction of Hong Kong – Doctor Strange

·         The 90-meter jump – Eddie the Eagle

·         Quicksilver and the exploding mansion – X-Men: Apocalypse

·         Warehouse rescue - Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Runner-up:

Police station – Manchester by the Sea

Winner:

Sabotage – Star Trek Beyond

The “Pig in Lipstick” Award for Prettiest Movie

Nominees:

·         A Bigger Splash

·         Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

·         Doctor Strange

·         Hail Caesar!

·         Kubo and the Two Strings

·         La La Land

·         Moana

·         The Handmaiden

·         The Love Witch

Runner-up:

The Handmaiden

Winner:

Kubo and the Two Strings

The “Premium Meth” Award for Best Chemistry

Nominees:

·         Adam Driver and Golshifteh Farahani - Paterson

·         Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea

·         Chris Pine and Ben Foster – Hell or High Water

·         Gerard Butler and his knife – London Has Fallen

·         Jeff Bridges and Gil Birmingham – Hell or High Water

·         Michael Peña and Alexander Skarsgård – War on Everyone

·         Ruth Negga and Joel Edgerton – Loving

·         Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe – The Nice Guys

·         Ryan Reynolds and Morena Baccarin – Deadpool

·         Sacha Baron Cohen and Mark Strong – The Brothers Grimsby

Runner-up:

Michael Peña and Alexander Skarsgård – War on Everyone

Winner:

Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea

The “Healed Broken Bone” Award for Best Cast

Nominees:

·         20th Century Women

·         Captain America: Civil War

·         Everybody Wants Some!!

·         Fences

·         Free Fire

·         Hail, Caesar!

·         Love & Friendship

·         Sing Street

·         Star Trek Beyond

·         The Magnificent Seven

Runner-up:

Sing Street

Winner:

Free Fire

The “Convincingly Faked Orgasm” Award for Best Performance

Honorable Mentions:

·         Andrew Garfield – Hacksaw Ridge

·         Ben Foster – Hell or High Water

·         Blake Lively – The Shallows

·         Chris Pine – Hell or High Water

·         Emma Stone – La La Land

·         Hugo Weaving – Hacksaw Ridge

·         Joe Alwyn – Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk

·         Joel Edgerton – Loving

·         Judy Davis – The Dressmaker

·         Kate Beckinsale – Love & Friendship

·         Kate Winslet – The Dressmaker

·         Kwak Do-won – The Wailing

·         Mahershala Ali - Moonlight

·         Ruth Negga – Loving

·         Sam Neill – Hunt for the Wilderpeople

·         Viggo Mortensen – Captain Fantastic

·         Woody Harrelson – The Edge of Seventeen

Nominees:

·         Adam Driver – Paterson

·         Alden Ehrenreich – Hail, Caesar!

·         Annette Bening – 20th Century Women

·         Casey Affleck – Manchester by the Sea

·         Denzel Washington – Fences

·         Gerard Butler – London Has Fallen

·         Greta Gerwig – 20th Century Women

·         Isabelle Huppert - Elle

·         Jeff Bridges – Hell or High Water

·         John Goodman – 10 Cloverfield Lane

·         Michael Shannon – Nocturnal Animals

·         Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea

·         Ralph Fiennes – A Bigger Splash

·         Rebecca Hall – Christine

·         Ryan Gosling – The Nice Guys

·         Ryan Reynolds – Deadpool

·         ­Sharlto Copley – Free Fire

·         Tom Bennett – Love & Friendship

·         Viola Davis – Fences

Runner-up:

Gerard Butler – London Has Fallen

Winner:

Ryan Gosling – The Nice Guys

In regards to my final award:

The whole “Fuck 2016” thing has been done to death, albeit not undeservingly, so this’ll be my only word on the matter. A lot of us had a rough year, dealing with political strife, global conflict, environmental issues, personal problems, celebrity deaths, “Suicide Squad”, etc. Even in film, 2016 has felt like a bit of a downer, with many films I was looking forward to letting me down. However, there have been quite a few gems, especially in the latter half of the year, and a good number of these are off the beaten path, ones I actively searched for to find and ones I gave a shot even if they’re the type of thing I wouldn’t normally see.

My point is, we have to make an effort to get the good out of life. You can still find some gems while wading through a river of shit (which you’re going to wade through anyway), and I’m not just talking about movies. Try something you normally wouldn’t. Try to pick up a new hobby. Make some personal time for yourself, even if you’re swamped with work or school. Start exercising if you don’t already (hell, try yoga). Don’t just accept that life is shit; do something to make it less shit. Always strive to better yourself, because while there’s no such thing as perfection (unless you’re Michael Shannon), it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t reach for it.

The mere fact that you’re reading this means that you’re actively trying to de-pleb yourself, or maybe it’s because you love me or maybe I just make you laugh sometimes. In any case, thank you for reading this year-in-review. As it has been for the past two years, writing this was fun and therapeutic. I wish you all luck in seeking happiness (and good taste in film, like mine), and for those of you who have a bad day somewhere on that journey, film is always there for you, including the following films which can cheer one up even on the rainiest days.

The “Ancient Indian Burial Ground” Award for Film Most Likely to Raise Your Spirits

Nominees:

Eddie the Eagle

Sing Street

Hunt for the Wilderpeople

Everybody Wants Some!!

Moana

Runner-up:

Sing Street

Winner:

Eddie the Eagle

#2016 #movies #review

[armmotorsports]

Surviving a Road Trip with the Children

The summer holidays are most certainly coming. Together with your partner as your only support you are planning one of the most difficult missions. Deploying a successful road trip taking the kids somewhere – without arguments, annoyance or simply stopping the car and throttling your little cherubs.

It doesn’t take Super-Nanny to work out that children generally become unhappy because of three reasons. They are either tired, hungry or bored – or any combination of the three. Can you manage to navigate the road trip, arriving at your destination on time, whilst keeping these three vital factors in check?

To help you on this near impossible mission we haven’t got Tom Cruise. Instead we have put together our secret agent styled parenting road trips, so you can handle the little whingers like a high grade ninja.

Every Good Boy Scout Knows…

You can’t be those god-awful parents who preach a gospel of preparation to your kids, put them into the cubs or brownies and then fail to come up with the right stuff when it matters most.

Keeping little minds occupied for car trips is all about preparation. It’s not only you and your sanity you need to consider here, as your precious ones need looking after and you can’t simply get by on hobbling in the rain to the nearest pub if you break down or run out of petrol.

Make sure that you have covered the following points before you even sit down in your car and close the doors:

Emergency gear – the standard stuff that should be in the car. High visibility jackets, waters, a flash-light, chocolate, spare phone. Everything you need to get you out a tight situation.

Service and support – has the car had a full service recently? Have you made sure all the tyres are fully pumped and that all the oil and other fluids are properly topped up? And of course is the contract with the RAC or AA still up to date?

Weather Check – you may want to stay at home if there’s going to be torrential rain on the roads, or take extra water if you’ve chosen to sit in the car on the hottest day of the year.

Everyone Rests – get a good night’s sleep before the big journey. This goes for both you and the children as being well rested will reduce in journey stress. Unless of course you are planning on driving through the night in which case it’s important that you have managed your sleep cycle successfully.

Child Friendly – if you do want to stop off at restaurants or eateries along the way, make sure they have the facilities to deal with younger children or if the option is there, go for stops with play parks or child activity areas.

Don’t Leave Home Without It – Your “stop what you’re doing or else face” – that you have practiced sufficiently in the mirror.

Proper Planning Prevents…

Every mission needs a good plan. It’s often in the organisational room that success or failure is first established. Get things right on paper and it’s generally a breeze. So what are our top tips for this vital stage in your operation?

The Best Time – choose a time when the roads are likely to be empty, especially if you have to navigate tricky urban estates or inner city avenues.

Plan for Stops – find some good places to stop and stretch along the way. Factor in extra time for exploration and remember that children will generally want to go to the toilet about 20 minutes after you stop for lunch.

Pick Somewhere Interesting – if you can combine car journeys with education, why not? Stop at a castle or an area of beauty on the way and sneak a little learning into those young minds.

Don’t Leave Home Without It – we could say a SatNav, but that’s all a bit too obvious. But what about when it doesn’t work? This is when an old school map is a real godsend.

Packing

Keep the essentials well within reach. Try to think of everything you’ll need in the car from books through to bottled water and make sure they are properly stashed for full deployment at the key stages of your long distance mission.

Having the right kit to hand in seconds can avert any emergencies, no matter how hopeless the situation may seem. It’s also good to keep outside gear like jackets in the front of the car in case the weather changes.

Don’t Leave Home Without It – wet wipes will hide a multitude of sins, but remember to have a bag for used wipes and other bits of rubbish. Keeping all the waste in one area will make for a simpler and less frustrating journey.

Food for Thought

Save food, snacks and sweets for emergencies, or ration out bite-sized pieces of chocolate or individual treats for convenience when the sugar levels are getting low. You hear a few horror stories of children choking on bigger snacks in the back of the car, so try to keep the bigger foodstuffs for stops.

Don’t Leave Home Without It – yes, giving your children a drink, especially in the heat, will keep the car cool in more ways than one. The smart money however goes on non-spill cups that will protect your upholstery from all kinds of spills.

A Comforting Touch

One of the key factors in managing behaviour is making sure your children are comfortable. Have all their favourite things around them from the magical blanket to favourite teddy bears and dolls to give them that relaxed feeling of the familiar.

Tissues and towels can help deal with spillages and keep a paper bag at hand for travel sickness as the wide opening will work better at catching fluids when compared to the classic carrier bag. Blankets are great for night journeys and a change of clothes, especially for little children will aid a quick recovery from any kind of accident.

Don’t Leave Home Without It – pillows are great for when the kids can’t get to sleep because of the uncomfortable car seat set up. Simply give them a pillow for reclining purposes and its problem solved.

Entertainment

These days there are so many materials and mediums you can use to keep your children occupied and amused, we thought we’d give you a number of key areas:

Back to the Old School

These are the classics. The things that rocked your world as a kid on a car journey will probably still work now. Consider the following:

Books – from individual picture books and stories through to a longer story book that you can read out for all the kids. Individual reading can also aid sleep.

Notebooks and pencils – let the children doodle and draw, but beware the permanent pens and go for coloured crayons or pencils instead.

Word searches – and other types of puzzle books are good when the energy levels drop, giving each child the chance to go at their own speed and disappear into thought.

Group Games – you must know these. Staples like I-Spy, count the red cars, license plate bingo, 20 questions and pirates can keep spirits high with everyone talking.

Music – leave the esoteric 1990s mixtape of Jump Up Drum N Bass where it belongs and find some fun, child friendly tunes giving everyone a chance for a sing-a-long.  

Radio 4 – is often surprisingly soothing for little red faces and can often calm down everyone in the vehicle. Including mum and dad.

Don’t Leave Home Without It: a school homework book. Not to actually make them do homework, but to use as a threat to make the other activities more compelling.

Futuristic Fun

Whilst Steve Jobs might not have liked to let his children use tablets, he probably had au pairs to entertain those little faces on long car journeys. For the rest of us the following items could well be a godsend:

Audio Books – saving you the trouble of having to tell a story – and you might even find something that’s truly fun for all the family.

Computer Games – whether you’re using the smartphone or the tablet, games and fun apps can keep everyone interested and alert during the journey.

DVDs – dust down that collection of old DVDs in the attic and get out the laptop and the children can have their own cinematic show in the back of the car.

Headphones – allow each child to immerse themselves in their own realm of entertainment with headphones. You might have to shout a little when you want their attention.

Don’t Leave Home Without It: chargers. If you are going to rely on gizmos and gadgets for entertainment and the power runs out, your screenagers may well turn back into screamagers.

In Case of Emergency

No one wants the worst to happen when you’re out on the road, but that doesn’t mean that all accidents and prangs are avoidable. If something untoward should happen your first move should be to give the kids a cuddle and hold them. This will cure most things, but the following tips could help:

Ride It Out – let the crying stop and the children will right themselves, as long as they are not choking on a door handle that they have just detached and attempted to swallow

Stop at the Side of the Road – and everyone can calm down and take the time for a toilet break. Be prepared with toilet paper so that every type of eventuality can be accounted for.

Make a Game Out of It – should something bad happen and your children are very little then making a game out of things can stop them from becoming scared or traumatic.

Don’t Leave Home Without It: a special treat in case everything goes wrong to take young minds off the difficulties – whether it be a traffic jam or a mechanical blow out.

And Finally

Of course the most important thing is for you to go with the flow. Remember the journey will be over soon and you don’t have to shout and get angry and be right all the time in such a confined space. Knowing what to let go and when to put your foot down is the key.

And finally let the world do the work sometimes. There’s loads of brilliant and beautiful sights out there and your kids should be reminded of particular spots of interest and historical importance.

The post Surviving a Road Trip with the Children appeared first on BreakerLink Blog.

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[celticnoise]

In 1992 I was a 14 year old fitba daft Bhoy from the new town of Livingston in West Lothian.

I had followed Celtic for years with my father usually travelling by car home and away and even further afield to England for testimonial games. I had pretty much never been to a match without my father. It was our thing. It was what we did. Almost every Saturday for 9 months of the year we would either be at Paradise or another football ground in Scotland watching the famous green and white Hoops play.

As a 13 year old Bhoy with a source of income (paper job) you start to think of going it alone. You want to stand on your own two feet have a degree of independence and also get those elusive match tickets for the big matches which at that time were secured on a local CSC by going week in week out to watch the Celts.

Discussions were had round the dinner table and I was able to secure a ‘pass’. I could join the local CSC. I was over the moon. I had many friends who were Celtic supporters but I was going it alone. There were a number of buses I could have joined but my dad felt that one in particular would be suited to a young Bhoy travelling alone and I would be well looked after.

First match – Middlesbrough away.

‘Ach it’s only down the road. Few hours on the bus, bus will park at the ground. Into the park and watch the game, back up the road and home at a decent hour. What can go wrong?’

I’m not sure my father could have been more out with that statement to reassure my mother that I would be fine.

It’s fair to say I was up with a spring in my step on the morning of the game. Tony Mowbray a recent signing from the Teesside club had clearly managed to secure a testimonial before his £1m move. Before cheap flights and the emergence of the internet to book travel, hotels, etc. a trip to England was deemed exotic for Celtic supporters. To me travelling on my own it was like a trip around the world.

My scarf was fresh for the new season and I had the new home jersey which I had secured from my gran as a gift for my birthday a few months before. The money was kept aside to ensure I had the jersey the first day. It’s fair to say I was an organised patient Bhoy when it came to Celtic.

My dad had to work that Saturday so he dropped me at the local bus station at 7am to be faced with a lot of men some I did know and others I didn’t stotting about loaded up with cases of lager and bottles of spirits loading them onto the coach. When I climbed aboard that bus it was the start of an education about life that you can’t learn in any establishment in the world about the passion of sports fans and the love of not only a football team but a community that reaches far over the planet which gives a people identity and pride in the football team that represents what they stand for.

I managed to locate a seat in the middle of the coach which avoided the smokers at the back and the mobile bar which was positioned at the front. I had a small packed lunch and a paper for the journey. I packed my rolled up scarf and tracksuit top into my wee bag and sat proudly in my seat at the window and waved to my father as the coach took off to the sounds of On the One road blasting from the coach stereo at a volume that can only be described as distorted it was that loud! I swear my dad had a tear in his eye as I ventured off as a young man to watch the team he loved and had handed down to me like a cherished family heir loom and knew that I had reached the next step in my own Celtic story.

The journey itself was a fairly raucous affair of singing, banter and general mayhem. Anyone who has been on a CSC for any length of time knows the drill. There is a lot of alcohol consumed, toilet stops are common even with a toilet on board and the singing is loud and constant. This is not a competitive match but it feels so much more than that. Celtic are travelling out with the confines of our domestic league and are taking on an English side. This is a big deal. Celtic are a big club and don’t want to lose to English teams. As the English have continually talked down our game this is a marker and the fans on board this coach are treating this match like a European tie and I am loving it.

‘You alright wee man?’

Celtic fans look after their own and I am being kept an eye on. It essentially means nothing but if you are 14 years old it just means that you are part of it. It’s a wee sign people are acknowledging you are there.

Strangely enough before this trip I had horrific travel sickness travelling as far as Edinburgh which is only 9 miles away on buses. On this journey my travel sickness never entered my mind and never did again.

Something’s wrong.

As we battered down the A1 at a healthy speed – I think the driver was on a bonus if we could make the pubs for lunchtime.

It became apparent all was not well. First of all the tape that had been played to melting point at the distorted volume since the bus departed my home town had now been turned down. There was a bit of animation at the front of the coach and we were slowing down.

Disaster – The bus had a puncture. The atmosphere clearly changed quickly. The joyous singing of a few minutes previously were replaced with puzzled and sad expressions. The damage to the wheel was surveyed by all manner of experts in inebriated states. It was deemed by the driver to be unfixable certainly at the roadside and a tow truck would be called. We would need to wait on a replacement. That was all I heard. I was off. Headed down the road away from the coach with my rucksack over my shoulder my scarf out and my thumb pointed in the direction of the south. Within minutes a car had pulled over and a couple in their 20’s from the Stirling area were beckoning me into their car. Unbeknown to me a friend of my father had snuck off behind me being a seasoned Hoops traveller not only keeping a watchful eye on me but also spotting the opportunity of a lift as a young Bhoy had a lot more chance of one than 50 half cut punters in green and white. Think the Only Fools Jolly Boys outing coach disaster and you can imagine the scene.

On the road again – We were on the move again. It turned out the young couple were travelling back to Stirling that evening and would happily give us a lift back up the road if we couldn’t source the coach after the match. I wish I had got their details to thank them.

On entering Middlesbrough I couldn’t help but think it looked like a big Grangemouth. I don’t think it is unfair to describe it as industrial. In all honesty it was a fairly ugly place back then. Not sure what it looks like now but I have to be honest and say it’s not one of my favourite UK city break destinations.

We parked the car and having a few hours before Kick Off and not being of drinking age I stuck with the young couple who drove the car down whilst my father’s friend went off in search of a good local hostelry to meet some other Bhoys who had stayed overnight.

I decided to enter the ground around an hour before kick off as I always did in those days to secure a programme and secure my spot for the match. It’s fair to say the ground was in step with the rest of Middlesbrough. Ayresome Park was not the prettiest venue I have visited. Celtic were allocated an area behind the goal and this was a benched area that resembled Pittodrie in that respect but the terracing was not as steep and the area was penned which reminded me of Hillsborough which I had seen on the TV a few years earlier. Middlesbrough had also provided a small section in the stand which faced the main stand and this appeared to be populated by parents and children.

As the Kick Off approached it was fairly clear that the atmosphere was going to be more cup tie than friendly. I had spotted a few Rangers kits and Union Jack’s in the car on the way to the ground and the locals looked less than friendly but in fairness I didn’t mix at all with them outside the ground.

The game kicked off and in usual Celtic fashion our end wasn’t packed. Within 10 minutes of kick off it was crowded. God knows how many were in but it was snug to say the least. I had managed to purchase a flag before the game and was now regretting it due to the squashed nature of my surroundings. At one point it was in danger of going up my nose I settled for putting it under the benches and concentrating on the game. The game was a fairly forgettable affair bar a few flashpoints and a fantastic Tommy Coyne goal which was a sort of half volley/overhead effort which I explained to my dad in great detail before coming home and seeing it on TV and being slightly disappointed at it not matching my description.

The real action was off the pitch. It appeared that in their wisdom Middlesbrough had put the Celtic family section next to their pavement dancing football casuals. There had been a small fracas and it was clear that these so called causals were smacking guys with their kids with them which is not on. As half time approached you could tell that the bulk of the support behind the goal had had enough.

Either at half time or near to it 2 Bhoys entered the pitch and beckoned the casuals on for a square go. With the odds stacked in their favour the English hooligans seized their chance and raced onto the pitch. At this point approximately half the Celtic end of around 7k fans emptied and streams of fans raced toward the hooligans who by now were trying to get back into their stand. I entered the pitch with my flag and ran about for a few minutes whilst the Celtic fans assisted by the police ensured that the hooligans day was over!

I believe there was a newsflash on STV regarding the incident and my father said he wanted to disappear into the couch when my mother who had to be convinced on whether I could go or not saw not only battling on the pitch but her son running along the screen complete with tricolour.

I suspect the rest of the match was just played out as low key as possible to with the police wanting the Celtic support up the road as quickly as possible with no further issues. The general feeling from the police was that Celtic fans had done them a favour as they didn’t hold back arresting the Middlesbrough fans and I never saw one Celtic fan arrested.

The atmosphere all day was boisterous. Plenty singing and a lot of people who had one too many but strangely enough even though there had been a bit of a stramash on the pitch it wasn’t aggressive.

I left the ground with a bit of nervousness as I had no idea where my coach was and was a bit hazy on where the car had been parked. I had about £20 spending money and had only spent less than half but I wasn’t sure if it would get me home on public transport from Teesside.

My fears were unfounded because I virtually bumped into a bus convener as I came out the ground. ‘Alright wee man?’

He escorted me back to the coach to a hero’s welcome. The rest of the Bhoys had waited for a replacement and had made it to the ground not long before half time. I was a bit of a legend. I had not only made it down for the kick off but also successfully negotiated my way back to the bus and I was in one piece. I had instant respect, it wasn’t something I was wholly aware of until many years later when older Bhoys would tell other people about this trip.

The journey home was joyous. After an eventful day I was feeling tired and I couldn’t wait to get back and recount a tale of a day out watching the Celtic to my father who had told me endless stories of his many journeys watching Celtic through the 60’s, 70’s & 80’s.

Due to our coach breaking down and the Bhoys not getting a trip to the pub in Middlesbrough it was decided that the replacement coach and driver would stop at Cocksburnspath on the journey home. I was gutted. I just wanted to get up the road to my dinner and my father.

The coach was stopped we found a pub and an off-sales and the Bhoys were happy. Myself and a few other non-drinkers were happy to discover a football pitch behind the pub and we spent a few hours kicking a ball about. Unfortunately it was getting on a bit and I had to make the dreaded call home. It was just after 9pm and the coach was due to leave for home at 10pm (of course with experience now I should have known better). My mother was less than best pleased. My father didn’t get on the phone. I’m sure he was in the dog house but as I was on a pay phone the call was short and sweet anyway, well not sweet but short.

It would be after midnight by the time I got home. The coach dropped me off virtually at the end of my street. I waved farewell to people I had travelled with that day, little did I know that some would become lifelong friends and some of the best people I would ever encounter on this earth. It’s fair to say it had been an eventful day.

As I crept in the front door my Father met me in the hallway. He had waited up. He made me tea and toast and we sat in the kitchen as I recounted my day to him. I recalled it in every detail and could sense his pride, excitement and envy at the tale being shared with him.

It was a moment he knew was coming and it was obviously something he felt was right not only from a football point of view but also for life experience. In a sense I became a young man on that trip. Somehow my mother allowed me to continue travelling to games on this bus.

This was the start of a beautiful journey on CSC’s. I have been on many. Some for years, some for a day but I have always enjoyed travelling to matches on that mode of transport. There is a wonderful camaraderie and a banter that can’t be replicated. There are friends, families and sometimes even foes on them. It is a travelling community of Celtic supporters. There are laughter, tears, anger, joy, sadness and a lot of celebrating. You feel part of something. Some of the best days of my life have been on Supporters buses travelling up and down this country and the result hasn’t always been in our favour on the day.

It all started for me on a summer’s day trip to Middlesbrough…………..…where did it start for you?

 Written by Livibhoy especially for CQN. 

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