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#jesus im annoyed with myself
stupid-dyke · 16 days
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I can tell i am now experienceing actual real sleep deprivation and not just the omnipresent idiopathic hypersomnia fake sleepiness that my stupid lying body never shuts up about. I can tell because I am fallijng asleep in class regardless if I take my medication and I feel like everything is so, incredibly stupid and horrible, and everyone giving me homework or telling me to do anything is attacking me. And I can;t hold a conversation. And people are noticing my strange manner and pointing out that I seem wrong. And yet here we are AGAIN I have AGAIN stayed up late AND not gotten any work done. And on top of that I broke my fucking glasses tonight because I left them sitting on my fucking bed. And I'm freaking my parents out by crying over the phone and also I think I actually injured my shoulder last week its been hurting for four days now. and I'm so sad and mad at myself for not sleeping and not working but I can't work because I havent slept and I cant sleep because I havent worked. And every single time I get in a bad time like this my dad worries im going to die because i was suicidal for like a week in 2019 and then he gets mad at me for worrying him and I feel so so so guilty. Im so so sad.
#and I dont want to fuckign sleep even though i really need to and I spend every fucking seconf of every fucking day being sleepy#because even when I get enough sleep im still FUCKING sleepy so what is the FUCKING point. Why not just NOT FUCKING SLEEP.#Im so fucking sick of myself and my body and my pain and my stupidity.#AND ITS SO STUPID BECAUSE HERE I AM MISSING ALL MY ASSIGNMENTS SCARING MY FAMILY WEIRDING OUT OTHER STUDENTS AND MAKING MY PROFS HATE ME#BECAUSE IM FUCKING SLEEPY. stupidest fucking sounding reason on earth to have a fucking crisis.#no one ever hears me say im sleepy and thinks oh thats really serious i really want to help you now its literally just annoying to ppl#haha wait til you have kids or get older or a full time job ha ha#cool I am fuckign terrified of the future because I know how mad everyone gets at me when im too disabled to do what im supposed to#and I know its going to get to a point where I can't and there will probably be no one left to help me. I'm almost certainly going to outli#outlive my parents and my sister and even if i ever get married ill probably also get divorced so I'll be all alone#friendships aren't safe becuase you can love someone so much for 5 years and she just tells you one day she doesn't want to be burdened#by you anymore and you never hear from her again#its a dark scary fucking world and you want me to be passionate about a field of study or something?? jesus christ can you all just fuck of#I dont want to go to grad school i dont want to work i dont want to live alone i dont want to live with my parents forever#my head hurts so much goodnight guys sorry for ranting its literally fine im literally just really sleepy sorry for being melodramatic
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opens-up-4-nobody · 6 months
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#im just gonna complain abt it here bc i just have to accept that i can't irl bc no one else gets it#its hard to b a dyslexic grad student. u have to read so much. and its good. lots of reading is good. u just have to contend with a soul#crushing amout of discouragement at the fact u just kinda cant read while ur peers r like sure i can read this in class and have things to#say abt it. if u make me read in my head in class i literally cannot fucking tell u what i just read. not a god damn thing and if i try to#let my computer read to me i cant fucking pay attention for long enough so i just have to accept that from here on out ill have to#physically read papers aloud which i hate so much. its the only way i can fucking understand things and it still makes me feel dumb bc ill#somehow still space out while reading and have to reread like 4 times before i understand wtf is being said. it takes forever and it takes#energy and i dont like talking very much and it also restricts me to only being able to read at home which is frustrating#and im like i need to stop my brain from distracting myself with things that dont matter and my counselor is like: ur ocd is trying to make#work ur whole life and im like yeah thats how i got it. its the only way i can keep swimming with the non dyslexics#so its like wtf do i do? i kinda have to take the hit and make work my whole life rn. morn the loss of other things for a while#i dunno im still a bummer rn. like im probably coming off as more an asocial freak than normal bc its hard to talk ans maintain conversation#rn. but whatever. sometimes things just suck and theres nothing u can do abt it but accept it and move on. ill learn lots of things with all#the reading i have to do and that's never a bad thing ...no matter how much i dont give a fuck abt animals#like jesus. i could not even begin to give a fuck about like 95% of mammals. fish r cool tho. plants too#but microbes is where its at. i dont understand y ppl dont understand how cool they r. oh well ill just have to tell them#if i can find my fucking enthusiasm. ugh i have to make one of my classes read a paper and i have to work with someone abt find it. she#works with like rabbits. i refuse to assign a mammal paper. i fucking refuse. we will do plants or microbes or fucking paleontology#i will fight her on this. ugh. light filtering or orchid speciation would b perfect. annoying#at least i get to work with some culturs this week#unrelated
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barnabybrainrot · 5 months
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#mod posts#idk dude i am so conflicted abt this ‘barnaby is overrated’ shit#on one hand im like… wow another person who feels he’s overrated. daring today are we?#on the other im like… i understand what its like when the character you like isnt the popular one in the community#like i normally tend to hyperfixate on the side characters so i absolutely know how frustrating it is#i also know from personal experience that a lot of it can just be hating it solely BECAUSE its popular#when i was like 14 and undertale came out i hated it just bc it was popular. and then i played it myself and yknow what? i enjoyed it#like… its okay not to like something!! everyone has unique tastes#and i also understand the concern abt barnaby being treated like snatcher (i know NOTHING abt snatcher so dont. quote me on that)#like theres a chance the ‘fanon’ version of barnaby will be given precedence over ‘canon’#the same shit happened with sans. remember all those sans/reader fics where sans was this edgy mysterious guy?#yet in fanon hes just a funni little skeleton who likes bad jokes?#yet in *canon jesus christ i cant spell today#but like. can we just let people enjoy things if they arent hurting anyone?#like i get it its annoying sometimes. like i had to mute the oc tag bc i was tired of seeing RP stuff#but im not like. going into their inboxes and telling them theyre bad ppl for enjoying a popular character yknow?#sorry this is making like. no sense. and im sorry to put it in tags but i do NOT want this spreading#anyways. those are my thoughts for today.
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meateater-lamb · 3 months
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(dont read the tags actually)
#vent#god this year has been so fucking hard man#and things have been so strained with my friend#and i love them so much. theyre my best friend. but at this point are they?#cause they just keep getting pissed at me over everything#and acting really weird#and theyve just. turned into this unendingly angry and negative person to the point i feel like i can barely talk to them anymore#they are so short tempered which i mean they always have been but just not with ME yknow#like they for ten years were always so kind to me and weve always gotten along well#until the last like year#and i know theyre in a bad place but jesus theyve made it so hard to even hold a conversation anymore#and i mean i think things will get better if they can get out of their current situation. i really think we can go back to normal but just.#not til then. cause they seem like the only coping mechanism they use is pure fucking anger#and now theyve started directing it at me and im just. getting tired.#i cant tell if they are purposely pushing me away or not. but thats whats happening either way.#and its awful bc i just feel like its all my fault. like im not good enough#im not helpful enough im too annoying im just. not good enough care about anymore#they make me feel like none of my problems are important anymore and like i shouldnt even mention it if im struggling#meanwhile all they do is vent and rant and im really really tired but i dont think i can say anything#im trying to open myself up to being social with people other than them again.#they used to be my best safe space but now they arent anymore#but im still going to be there for them the best i can cause they dont deserve to be abandoned when theyre struggling#but i just hope they can get in a better place and idk. realize theyre kinda being a dick all the time#ugh idk#dont read this shit i just need to get my thoughts straight idk.#i was scrollin when i started thinkin abt this thats the only reason im writin on here abt it#probably gonna delete it in an hour anyway#moon
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miami2k17 · 5 months
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realizing ur too old for some shit u used to look forward to all year as a kid is so crazy 😭 literally one foot in the grave at 25
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grimmthorne · 9 months
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rlly wish I wasn't so needy and clingy 👍mentally ill shit in the tags lol
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allhappyandgay · 8 months
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i didn’t like barbie oop
#i know better than to think i actually DISLIKE a movie simply because it didn’t connect w me or feel like it could apply to me tho#so instead I didn’t ENJOY watching the movie#if that’s any better#idk I thought it was rlly annoying at parts#but I get Im just not the target audience#I thought it would be funnier and better in general cuz of the hype#but honestly—and I hate to say this it makes me feel old—I didn’t rlly get it#like I get the message they couldn’t make that more clear with the amount of times they said patriarchy men women etc#but as a trans man I felt like it made huge generalizations every other line#but I understand that it’s somebody else’s experience of oppression#cuz everything’s happening cuz of what the mom is going through and how she’s being affected by it#but jesus#I was trying not to feel offended or cringe lmao reminding myself that I am a man who happened to not be socialized female growing up#and I prob just don’t understand the depth of the specific feelings they brought up#but yeah it did make me feel p dysphoric and uncomfortable the whole time cuz I just felt like it was putting men and women into boxes and#as always acting as if they experience all of the same experiences because of their gender#which they do not#also thought it was weird that stereotypical barbie and ken were the main barbie’s seems contradictory to the message#got yr one disabled barbie one fat barbie one trans barbie and the rest can be normal but the main ones gotta be white#like I almost feel bad saying it cuz of the whole male gaze issue the movie brings up but I only rlly liked the ken parts lol they were#actually funny n the rest was eh#idk movies like that they try to get that message across but still lack somehow#they still allowed barbie to cry and have the audience sympathize with her and give her sad music to cover it#but any time a man cries it’s as per usual a dramatic humorous exaggerated thing yr supposed to laugh at and not a lot of ppl notice it#also felt like any characters that were supposed to represent me were brushed aside like how queer ppl are irl#the daughter was fucking annoying I hope she died#greta gerwig rlly said yeah she can say “reality challenged” without even an IMPLIED disapproval. when she said YOU FASCIST I held my face#in my hands oh god#they’re like we don’t have genitals aka that’s not what defines sex or gender *ends the movie with going to a gynecologist*#anyway love that karim from the OA was in it talk about range jfc
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mieczyhale · 1 year
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i typed these tags on somebody’s post, due to it and then a ficlet someone had added on, but i decided it would be rude to reblog with my tags. BUT i still wanna share my stance on this Totally Important Topic so thank u, copy / paste
#i'm ngl #if you're playing in a campaign and your dm s/o is not the dm you're playing with - and your s/o has an ongoing campaign that they are not #only willing to add you to but wants to add you to but 1. you refuse 2. you wont say why - that's pretty shitty #especially if your dm s/o is someone who has been playing as long as eddie and is as passionate about it #i mean i guess at the very least he should've been honest. that part alone is its own kind of shit #but he should be in eddie's campaign #or both #you can be in more than one campaign at a time believe it or not #josh used to do that #it's not uncommon if you have more than one friend that's a dm #idk man #this kind of plot in st fics just bothers the shit out of me #the only real funny thing here is the ending but otherwise im just like 'mmm. gross.'
#this is about erica being steve's dm#and ynow what??#only semi-related side bitch:#fics where steve does play in eddie's campaign and somehow ruins it - either one night or the whole thing - and then is smug about it#like those arent a lot of work to put together. like his boyfriend didnt put his whole heart soul and dick into it only for him to guess#something or spoil something or just be more obnoxious than any of the other teens combined. and the ones where eddie gets#genuinely upset about (any of the above) and the author doesnt allow him to be. like he immediately forgives steve or steve uses#sex as a way to stop eddie from being mad about it. like a thing i see in fics and absolutely hate is not letting eddie have feelings#especially negative ones when it comes to other people. unless its like.. annoyance. or if he IS allowed to feel something if he tries#to express it within a paragraph or two they have him all chill now or understanding or admitting that the other people was right in however#they upset him. now its not like he's the only character this happens to be jesus fucking christ#i may or may not have been holding onto a lot of negative feelings about fanfics for the last... while#doesnt help that im in an Easily Annoyed time myself#and ynow what else?? i've seen a lot of bitchass reactors lately - especially for that show that's also a book. book fans for that bitch are#some of the most obnoxious people on the goddamn planet i want to hammer their kneecaps and bust through the drywall in their houses#maison speaks
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aceyanaheim · 1 year
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the thing i hate about having anxiety about info dumping is that it does not in fact stop me from info dumping.
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i heart making crossover aus . i can do whatever i want w the minor characters or remove whoever i dont like, whos going to stop me? fucking ben bocquelet?
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comradecowplant · 1 year
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damn, s i o u x e r z was one of my earliest tumblr follows-- she's a thin, conventionally attractive, white (or at least white passing) woman, which made her a big hit with the tumblr gays, & there was a period of time when her pics were everywhere, like the Alex Evens of tumblr lesbians-- so its a bummer to have to unfollow her after all this time, but since she's decided to become a cowardly piece of shit & throw her lot in with the r*dfems, she won't be missed.
so psa for any cryptkeepers like myself who followed her back then & haven't been paying attention to her since she came back.
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opens-up-4-nobody · 8 months
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#sometimes u just gotta have a cringe fail weekend. is what i tell myself bc i let the fact that i forgot to check my new#email completely obliterate me. also i haven't been sleeping enough. also just the normal thoughts in my head#by which i mean the part of my brain that demands consequences for inattention by means of suffering. devine punishment.#which is irrational and annoying but knowing that doesnt seem to help. so ive just been laying here in the hopes i come unspooled and start#to disintegrate. which is annoying bc ive got stuff to do#specifically bc i am supposed to b a TA this semester. which is what i figured but also feared#so. thats gonna b a lot. tho not as much as my old school bc they dont make TAs do literally everything here apparently#but. itll b a lot. and also i have to finish signing up for classes. bc i didnt do that back in April by my brain was melting. also i have#to keep doing my job and dealing with my data. ugh. well. being a TA isnt so bad. i do like to help ppl learn even if im not very good at it#like. i struggle with thr talking to ppl part. like the transition of ny thoughts to something thst makes sense#oh well. hope i end up teaching something im not too unqualified for. i could do soils. Ecology. uhhh. maybe intro bio but i never even took#university level biology. i just skipped upper level courses. that's probably it. anything else would b a lotta faking it#ugh. im tired. i should go to sleep at 9pm. thr sun hasbt even set and i should sleep#tomorrow i have to get my shit together. but also i wanna email my new professor like hey bro like what do u want me to do???#like how do i start in this lab? when do we start talking. like just not to b pushy but whats thr procedure?#i like Structure but also its like weeks until the semester starts so we got time. im just a lil nuts#jesus. its gonna b an interesting semester. hopefully fun but uh it is sorta like taking a boat out when u can see big ominous clouds#like im sure ill b fine but also i might get dumped over into a watery grave. i just. i have a lot of papers to write#and its gonna b hard to b a student on top of that. partly bc what im gonna b doing now is almost completely unrelated#which is probably y ppl stick to the same track they stsrt on. that awkward moment when ppl ask u if ur gonna keep working with bi0crust#and ur like uhhhh no fuck that actually the work ive done in the past 4 years makes me hate myself✌️#so we r back at square 1. well not 1 bc its sorta related but its a pretty big reset#itll b fine once things start. its just thr anticipation that kills me#unrelated
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swietokradztwo · 1 year
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#im so stressed out im so tired ive done nothing and i need to start writing the essays#i have 3 to do plus there are like 6 exams most of which have a lot shit to remember plus im having a psychology short test#and the results of another short test next week and i need to start this economy assignment#and im late almost two weeks with a russian assignment and i want to cry#my meds arent working so im a mess and i stopped taking them bc they give me nightmares but now im having withdrawal and my heart is being#weird and i want to cry i need to kill myself i need to call my doctor#and maybe ask her abt that thing that makes you not have to take all your exams if youre mentally ill#but i feel bad asking for it like its not like im really sick and it feels like im just constantly lying#and she already signed the crap that makes me not have to go to pe thankfully#so i cant go and ask her abt this too like whatever worst case i fail everything and rip my guts out and die#i dont remember when i showered last time and im just so stressed out and i cant do anything productive#i havent been drawing or learning or revising or even doing my reading#speaking of which i have like 300 pages for next week maybe more and i cant take this anymore i need to die#also i think my parents would get mad at me if i said i cant wrote all my exams#bc whatever im not really sick im just lazy and annoying and a bad person and i wish i could get hit by a car so bad i need my head to be#crushed and my brain to get wplattered across the street#also im so gross and sweaty i hate myself sm and i feel so guilty over everything all the time#and them i go to therapy and i cant talk abt anything bc i hate talking abt my feelings its gross and i dont deserve it#i wish there was easy access to guns here suicide would be so easy jesus#and im having insane mood swings again i need to get off social media even tumblr it just makes me feel like shit abt myself#tw suicide mention
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tardis--dreams · 2 years
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Gonna start acting as if I'm the main character of my life. See if it does something
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galacticlamps · 2 years
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cant believe im almost finished with a fic for the first time in SIX MONTHS (???) and im not only having massive computer trouble this week im also just busy generally
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