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torreshalstead · 1 year

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always there

Summary - Jesse knew that by blood Sonny Carisi was not her father. But she also knew that he had been a father to her in more ways than one for as long as she could remember and she was proud that she had taken his name when she had turned 16. Her mother had been Carisi-Rollins and she wanted to be too. And now the time had come for her to take someone else’s name but first she had something important to do.

Notes - this is the result of me living in denial that Amanda is being taken from us in a couple of weeks and I needed somewhere to get out my Rollisi/Carisi feels. Hope you enjoy! Ao3 Link

Jesse knew that by blood Sonny Carisi was not her father. But she also knew that he had been a father to her in more ways than one for as long as she could remember and she was proud that she had taken his name when she had turned 16. Her mother had been Carisi-Rollins and she wanted to be too. And now the time had come for her to take someone else’s name but first she had something important to do.

Before she had called him Dad, she had called him Uncle Sonny. Uncle Sonny had been a staple in some of her favourite memories from childhood. Anytime she remembers being her happiest, he was there. And more importantly, any time she remembers her mother being her happiest, he was there. She remembers cooking with him, sitting on the worktop, she remembers him helping her with her homework, she remembers him being a constant in their life.

She doesn’t remember the exact time she stopped calling him Uncle Sonny and began calling him Daddy but she was certain if you asked him, he could pin it down to the hour. He was like that. And Jesse was so thankful that he was a part of their lives. She knew it hadn’t always been easy. She had managed to put two and two together when she had entered her teens that the relationship her mother and him had hadn’t always been smooth sailing. But they very rarely argued and any disagreements they had were usually out of earshot of her and Billie.

She knew her mother hadn’t had the best childhood, the awkward conversations at holidays with her parents were enough to demonstrate that. A complete opposite of the holidays they spent with the Carisi’s, filled with joy and laughter. The Rollins’ family affairs were more silent and usually ended before dessert. She knew her mother had pushed him away more than once, but Sonny Carisi being the man that he was had never faltered. He stayed by her side, he stayed for her and Billie.

Jesse had a clear memory of waking up one morning when she was younger.

Stumbling into the living room, rubbing the sleep out of eyes, she spotted Sonny asleep on the couch. She walked over and poked him gently in the chest.

‘Daddy?’, she said softly. Sonny had stirred and yawned when he opened his eyes.

‘Morning Jess’, he said. ‘Want me to make you some breakfast?’ he asked as he sat up, his hair all tousled from a clearly restless night.

‘Why are you sleeping out here? Why aren’t you with Mommy?’ Jesse asked with a frown, she was ringing her hands, clearly nervous for the answer. Sonny had patted the space next to him on the sofa and took her hands in his when she clambered up.

‘Mommy wanted a bit of space last night. So I came to sleep out here’. He answered softly, peering down at her.

‘Why?’ Jesse asked curiously.

‘Well you know when you and Billie used to share a room, you wanted some space from her sometimes.’ Jesse nodded. ‘But she was still your sister so you loved her anyway’. The nodding continued. ‘Just like that, Mommy and I love each other but she needed some time to herself’.

That answer seemed enough for Jesse, who said ‘Okay’ cheerily and then asked if she could have pancakes.

What Jesse later found out was that her mother had been standing just out of eyesight and had heard the whole conversation. Jesse never found Sonny asleep on the couch again.

The day Jesse had come home from high school with make-up streaming down her face, it had been Sonny that had been there to comfort her.

‘Hey Jess, how was school?’ a voice had called out to her when she had shut the door behind her. She had forgotten he would be home as her mother was out with Billie for a middle school day out.

‘Fine’, she called out but her voice had cracked and even as she tried to wipe the tears from her cheeks, her father appeared from the kitchen.

‘Hey Jess, what’s wrong?’ he said worried as he clearly checked her once over for any visible injuries before wrapping her in a hug. He’d been father to the two girls for long enough now that he knew a lot of the time that a hug and a shoulder to cry on would solve a million problems.

‘I’m fine’ Jesse sniffed but accepted the hug all the same, clinging on to her fathers shirt.

‘I don’t think so’, Sonny said as held her tight, ‘tell me what’s up’. Jesse just sniffed again at this so Sonny changed tact. ‘Why don’t I make us some hot chocolate?’

‘Extra marshmallows?’ Jesse asked as she pulled back from his chest.

‘Of course, just don’t tell your mother’, he winked as he let go of her slowly and walked back towards the kitchen. He had also learnt as a member of the Carisi-Rollins household, to let the girls come to you when they needed help. So he knew as he started to prepare the hot chocolate, that Jesse would follow him into the kitchen. And sure enough when he turned around a moment later, she was sitting on one of the stools, folded over so her forehead was resting on her crossed arms.

‘I’m not going to make you talk Jess, I know you Rollins girls aren’t a fan of that, but I’m here if you want me to listen’. Sonny heard a murmur but couldn’t make out her response. ‘Say again Jess’, he said softly as he rested his arms on the other side of the counter and leant against it.

‘Charlie broke up with me’, she said, her head still resting on her arms, he could tell she had stopped crying though. She took a deep breath and raised her head, ‘I said I wasn’t ready and he said he’d find someone that was’, she said quietly. Sonny tried to hide his emotions on his face but his fists clenched on the counter.

‘Did he hurt you Jess, try and force you?’, he questioned slowly, his protective father instincts wanting to go find this boy who had made his daughter cry.

‘No, he just left. He knows my dads a lawyer and mom used to be a cop.’ Jesse wiped her eyes. ‘I’m fine Dad, I don’t know why I’m crying over him. Mom always said 'a boy that didn’t respect you doesn't deserve your tears’’. She gave him a small smile.

‘She’s right. When someone loves you and cares about you, they’ll respect you, your decisions and your body’, Sonny reached across and took one of her hands in his.

‘I know you’re right Dad. But can we have hot chocolate before this becomes an afternoon sex lecture?’.

Sonny had to laugh out loud at this. ‘Right you are, hot chocolate and no sex lecture’.

When Amanda had returned home later and Sonny had told her what had happened, she found Jesse curled up in bed reading.

‘Hey honey’, she had said as she walked into her room, ‘Dad told me about Charlie, you okay?’, she perched on the end of the bed.

‘I’m okay now, Dad made me hot chocolate and we watched reruns of Gilmore Girls. Not sure he’s a fan’, Jesse laughed as she looked at her Mom over the top of her book. Amanda laughed back as she got up and dropped a kiss to Jesse’s crown.

‘Well, I’m glad you’re okay. I didn’t want to have to go all Momma Bear on the kid’. She walked out the door and just before she closed it she heard Jesse call her back.

‘Mom’.

‘Yes hon’, Amanda turned around.

‘Thanks for making Sonny our dad’. Jess smiled.

‘Best decision I’ve ever made’, Amanda said as she smiled with a tear in her eyes. ‘Goodnight baby’.

‘Night Mom’.

So many of Jesse’s friends had dad’s they barely spoke to or who they only contacted when they wanted a handout, but she had always valued the time she had spent with her father. Somewhere in the back of her mind she realised it was because he had chosen to be her father, chosen to love her Mom and with that, love her and Billie. He never stayed out of obligation, or because DNA told him that he should care about her, he cared about her just because he did.

Jess had known for years that she had wanted to be a lawyer like her father. And the day she had gotten into Fordham, she thought he might burst with pride.

‘It’s here’, she said as she tightly held the envelope. Both her mom and dad were sitting on the coach, Billie in the chair with Jesse standing in front of them. ‘It’s here’, she said again quietly.

‘Well’, Billie said impatiently, ‘are you going to open it?’

‘She’ll open it when she’s ready’, her mother scolded.

Slowly Jesse opened the envelope and began to read.

‘Dear Miss Carisi-Rollins. Congratulations, it is my distinct pleasure…’ she tailed off. ‘I got in’, she whispered. ‘I got in’, she said loudly and looked up at her family. Billie was jumping in her seat, her face in a huge smile. Her mother’s hands were over her mouth but she could see the excitement in her eyes. Her father had tears streaming down his face and he was beaming.

‘We knew you could do it’, he said through the tears as he jumped up and wrapped her in a hug. She felt the arms of her sister and mother join in as well and the family stood in a huddle, all crying and smiling and congratulating her. This was the first step, she thought as she held them all tight, the first step towards her dream.

He had cried even more at her graduation, which she didn’t think was possible.

Jesse knew that even if she hadn’t gone into Law that he would have been equally as supportive. Billie had gone into teaching, and when she had graduated with her Masters in Education, the loudest applause in the auditorium had belonged to their father. Every step of their lives, Sonny had been there for them, from the small moments to the large.

That wasn’t to say he wasn’t a strict father, she remembered him picking her up from her first house party when she was 17 and was too drunk to get home. He had answered her call and told her he would pick her up, drove her home and tucked her into bed with a bottle of water and some aspirin for when she woke up and kissed her on the forehead. But the next morning was a different story.

Jesse had stumbled out of her room the next morning just before lunchtime to find her father sitting on the sofa, stoney faced.

‘Hey Dad’, she said quietly. She had never seen him look so angry, not when her and Billie had flooded the bathroom trying to play mermaids, not when she had brought home a stray cat and Frannie had gone mad and trashed the living room, not when she had failed her biology midterm because she had refused to study for it. This was a different kind of angry.

‘Sit down Jess’, he said and nodded towards the arm chair. Slowly Jesse sunk into it, pulling her knees up to her chest. ‘Would you like to explain?’.

‘I didn’t mean to get so drunk’, she started.

‘So you still planned to get drunk? You’re 17 Jess. Do I need to remind you what the legal age to drink is in the US?’. He was still talking in a mildly expressionless voice, and Jesse knew he was trying not to yell at her. He had never yelled at her or Billie or her mother, he barely even yelled at Frannie and she could be a terror.

‘That’s not what I mean Dad’ she said avoiding making eye contact. ‘I just wanted to have some fun with friends since we were finished with our exams’.

‘And you need to drink to excess to have fun?’ He asked.

‘No, no, I just didn’t want to be the only one drinking and be left out. I honestly just meant to have a couple and then get an Uber home, but Tracy kept pouring them and everyone was drinking so I just went along with it’, she babbled quickly, still staring at her knees. ‘I didn’t mean to make you mad’, she added as she chanced a glance up.

‘I’m not mad Jess’ he said. ‘I’m just disappointed.’ She dropped her gaze again as her eyes started to fill with tears. ‘When I got that call I was so worried about you. You know the line of work I am in, you know what your mother used to do, what she teaches now.’ Jesse nodded as the tears threatened to spill. ‘I know you’re a smart girl, but there are still dangerous people out there, and when you’re too drunk to walk Jess, you are putting yourself at risk’. ‘And no, I’m not victim blaming’, he added as Jesse raised her head to interrupt, ‘I wish that it was safer for people to be drunk on the streets but unfortunately it’s not the world we live in at the minute’, she nodded realising that he was being honest with her. ‘I can only protect you and your sister as much as I can. And I know that me wrapping you up in cotton wool isn’t what you want, but you’re my little girl Jess. And I just want you to be safe’. At this Jesse got up and walked over to the couch, sitting next to him and wrapping her arms around him.

‘I’m sorry Dad, I really am’. She tightened her arms around him and felt him do the same.

‘I know honey, just if you’re going to drink, please do it here with your friends, rather than on the street’. She pulled back to look at him, ‘but don’t think we’re going to let you do that until you at least graduate from high school!’, they both laughed.

‘Love you Dad’. She said as she hugged him again.

‘Love you too Jess’.

Jesse checked the time on her phone, he’d be here in a couple of minutes. Punctuality is one of her fathers most valued qualities, he worked long hours, often brought his work home with them but if he promised any of them he would be there at a certain time, he would be there.

Billie tugged on her sister's hand impatiently. The two stood behind the stage of their junior school ready to walk across and receive awards for the year; Billie for a history project that Sonny had helped her finish and Jesse for winning the school’s debate competition, for the second year running. The award ceremony was being held at the end of the school day but their mother had been pulled in to work. She’d given up being a cop a few years earlier and had become a lecturer, teaching about Special Victims and the criminality of offenders. But she was on call when Sargeant Benson needed her, being pulled in as a specialist witness on more than one occasion, and this was one of the occasions. The girls had said it was okay, it was just a school award and she had promised that she would take them both out for ice cream this evening when she got home.

Amanda had phoned Sonny and asked if he’d be able to leave work early to go and see the girls. He had left early that morning to prep for a court case and had thought that Amanda was going. He’d immediately phoned his boss and got it cleared to leave early, it was going to be tight but he’d do it.

Jesse peered round the curtain, she was expecting to see anyone she knew in the crowd, she knew her mother was at work and her dad would still be at court, he didn’t know mom couldn’t make it.

‘Please welcome to the stage, Jesse and Billie Rollins. Jesse has won our debate competition for the second year running and this year Billie has won a prize for her superb project on the Roman Empire’ their principal called from the stage.

Billie tugged Jesse through the curtains and walked across the stage. A sad smile crossed Jesse’s face as she looked out across the audience, everyone was clapping very politely but she wished her mom was here. Just as Billie was accepting her award and shaking hands with the Principal, she heard a loud cheer erupt from the middle of the crowd. Looking over she saw her dad on his feet, hands clapping above his head with a smile from ear to ear radiating across the room. Everyone was looking around at the man causing a scene but both Billie and Jesse were thrilled. Collecting their awards and running off the stage, Sonny had made his way into the aisle and both girls careened into him, almost knocking the wind out of him.

‘You came’, Jesse said looking up at him from where her arms were wrapped around his waist, Billie was wrapped around his legs.

‘Wouldn’t miss it for the world’, he said, crouching down to engulf them both in a hug. ‘Both my girls getting awards, I’m so proud of you’.

As they walked out of the hall after the rest of the ceremony had finished, Jesse had a hold of one hand and Billie had hold of the other, Jesse knew at that moment that he would be there for her whenever she needed.

A knock came from the door, and opening it, Jesse was greeted by the smiling face of her father still dressed in his suit from court.

‘Hey you’, he said as he hugged her. If she held on a little longer than she normally did when she greeted him then he didn’t say anything. Pulling back from the hug she stepped backwards to allow him into her apartment.

‘Thanks for coming Dad’, she said as she shut the door behind him.

‘Of course, sounded kinda urgent on the phone. Everything alright?’, he said as he sat on the couch. She didn’t follow him, choosing instead to take a seat in the armchair off to the side.

‘Yeah, I’m fine, I’m good’, she smiled ‘just wanted to ask you something and didn’t fancy waiting’ she finished.

‘Okay’, he said slowly, almost suspiciously.

‘Okay’, Jesse started and after taking a deep breath she continued. ‘You’ve been my dad for as long as I can remember and I know you were there for me before I can remember too’. A soft smile graced Sonny’s face at this but he didn’t interrupt, he knew better than to interrupt one of his girls when they got started. ‘And I know my life, and your life, hasn’t always been the most traditional. But it’s been our life and I wouldn’t change a thing. But I won’t lie and say I haven’t missed some of the more traditional things so that’s why, when Nate and I get married next month, I want you to give me away’. Sonny opened his mouth to answer but Jesse continued quickly. ‘I know that Mom suggested I walk myself down the aisle, that we don’t need to humour the old times of transferring possession or whatever, and I know you suggested Mom do it. But I want you to. And not in the sense that you own me and then Nate will but you are the two most important men in my life and I want you both with me.’ Jesse finally stopped to take a breath and looked over at her father, he was staring at her, mouth slightly a gasp with tears filling his blue eyes. ‘So will you?’ she asked quietly, ‘will you give me away?’.

‘It would be my greatest honour’, Sonny said as he got up to walk towards her, Jesse mimicking his action and the two embraced each other in the middle of the room. ‘Only if you’re sure’. Sonny said into her hair.

‘Shut up Dad’, Jesse said, laughing through her tears. Sonny laughed too.

Pulling away slightly, Jesse continued, ‘and you’ll do a father daughter dance with me, and do a speech? I want Mom to do one too but..’

‘I’ll do whatever you want’, Sonny interrupted her. ‘You’re my daughter, and I will be right there’.

‘Thanks Dad’, she said quietly again as she burrowed into his chest. ‘You’re always there’ she said even quieter thinking that he wouldn’t hear it. She realised he had when he held her even tighter and whispered, ‘and I always will be’.

#rollisi #rollisi fic #svu fic #special victims unit #law and order svu #amanda rollins #sonny carisi #jesse rollins #rollisi fanfiction #amanda x sonny

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