#jess still had a connection to womanhood and attraction to primarily (solely

[gibbearish]

actually i think a big part of the issue im having figuring myself out is just. fear of how others will react

#yesterday Travis called me his prince and it wasn't that that surprised me so much as just. the willingness to directly address it #honestly i kinda figured i would go ''I'm not a girl'' and he would run or ignore it and i don't really know how to handle him being kimm #kind* and understanding #he keeps asking me questions about what he should call me and the part of me that grew up with people pretending to like me just to #make fun of me keeps whispering that its all part of the joke and one of these days hes going to decide ive changed too much and then #ill be the punchline #and then theres the issues in the other direction #if i try to embrace the butch title while being the complicated pile i am then how many people will come after me for not being enough #which i know is stupid especially given i literally just read an entire book about that but theres also the thing of like. #jess still had a connection to womanhood and attraction to primarily (solely? im not good at text interpretation) women #which makes it a lot easier to accept youre allowed to use those words #but what if youre never ever a woman and have never even dated one? wheres the connection? #and i can already hear people saying 'there isnt one therefore you cant use them' but then how do they explain the feelings i have about th #m #surely an outside observer with no connection wouldnt feel like theyre being strangled trying to think about it? #i dunno its complicated #maybe thats why heshe kept sticking out to me. its not neutral in the same way they them is but a blended mix forcing people to #ackowledge both the origins and the destination #maybe that's the connection? my past and my body influencing my current view of myself #whats the difference between not a woman and no longer a woman #ive thought abt it before but never very hard but maybe the answer can just be both yknow #when ppl say bigender i think their brain automatically pictures half man half woman but like #im thinking maybe for me itd be. half man half butch. no woman but half butch #or not halves #fully both at once maybe #a venn diagram but the middle part is empty but the emptiness is part of it too #PLUS theres also like. what would i call myself #he him lesbian? not a lesbian‚ attracted to more than women #he him woman? not a woman #i want butch to be the whole sentence but it doesnt feel like it can be