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strawberrylemonz · 3 years

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Accepted Invitation

Part 1

Part 2 [CURRENT]

Part 3

DT: @bargledblocks my beloved <3 and @snapdragonfirefly my beloved <3

“Chat, stop being dickheads.”

Kristin shook her head as she narrowed her eyes at Phil, who smiled at her.

“He gets that from you.”

“What? Never! He must have learned it from someone else!”

As the two playfully bickered, accusing each other of starting Tommy’s cursing habit, they failed to notice the guilty look that covered the twin’s expression. Ghostbur, not being able to read the atmosphere or situation, whispered in a loud manner.

“Heeeeeey, didn’t we teach him how to curse.”

“You two did what?”

“Nothing! Let’s move on!”

Tommy hummed as he happily navigated through the unfamiliar Portal Hub. He had heard stories of what it was like from his father and brothers, so he was more than excited to finally navigate through it himself. Look at him go! TommyInnit, the most badass adventurer around! He would be so cool, just like his family!

“What is he doing on the main server? Why is he walking around the Portal Hub?”

“I don’t know, but does it matter?”

“Of course it does-!”

“Does not.”

Just as he was about to enter a different section of the Portal Hub, the sound of a small peep caught his attention. Turning around with a smile, he held out his hand as he caught a baby chick, gently petting it with his finger.

“Hello, little guy. New god?”

“Yes, little chick, I am!”

“Did Clara and Mother lead you my way?”

“They did! They couldn’t help but say good things about you, so I just had to come and see you for myself! I hope I’m not going to stay this small forever.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll get bigger the longer you stick around with me. Mother and Clara are already fully grown chickens, but there’s other deities who are still puffy chicks, like you.”

“Wonderful! Can I stay on your person?”

“Sure, why not? Here, just stay there.”

“Thank you, young chick.”

“Not a problem!”

“I’m sorry, gods?”

“Are you telling me that Tommy’s just as crazy as his family? I mean, come on, Chat? Voices? Obvious red flag-”

“That’s not very nice, Dream.”

Dream frowned and tried to cover his ears, doing his best to block out Ghostbur. Techno and Wilbur just sat in silence, watching the form of their brother as he happily interacted with his voices, with his chat. He seemed so much more in control than they ever were at his age. Overall, they were just shocked that he even had a chat, and they didn’t know. Watching the interaction, Ranboo voiced his observation.

“Hey, Tommy kinda has what Phil does.”

“What do you mean, Boo?”

“Phil has a bunch of crows that follow him around, Tommy has baby chicks. Kinda funny, if you ask me.”

Tommy smiled as he tucked the chick into his shirt pocket, happy to see the little fella content. Peering into his satchel, he smiled as he nodded to a small group of chicks huddled in there, peering up at him. Their peeps comforted him as he entered the new area, clutching the straps of both his backpack and satchel tightly in his grip. Mumbling as he studied the different portals, he couldn’t help but snort as familiar clucking caught his attention. Turning around, he waved as a clucking chicken ran to him, flapping into his arms.

“Hello, Mother.”

Quackity snorted, only to quickly move to cover his mouth. Kristin raised an eyebrow as she turned to face him, curiosity painting her face. Nervous laughter erupted from the man’s throat as he scratched the back of his neck, trying to explain.

“It’s just, seeing him call a chicken mother was kind of funny.”

Kristin laughed as she nodded in agreement, she and Clara sharing knowing looks.

“It is funny, yeah.”

The chicken clucked as she rested her head on his shoulder, snuggling in. Waiting as he held her close, he smiled as a red aura came off the chicken, forming a mass in front of him. Floating there, arms crossed, was Kristin. Humming as she looked around the area, she spoke up in a confident manner.

“Joining your Chat was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done. Now I just need to track down your brothers and join their Chats, talk some sense into them during my free time.”

“Good to see you too, Mum.”

Kristin chuckled as she shook her head. Pressing her lips together, she gave her youngest son a pointed look.

“Now, Tommy, why are you here? You should be at home, with the others. The Hub is a big and unpredictable place, no nine year old should be wandering around here unsupervised.”

“But I’m not unsupervised, you’re here!”

Placing her hands on her hips, she shook her head as she sharpened her look, making the child avoid her gaze.

“I mean by someone who is physically there to watch you.”

“I don’t need a babysitter, Mum, I’m a Big Man!”

“I don’t doubt you are, but you still shouldn’t be here on your own. Here, let’s get you back to your father and brothers-”

“No!”

“Yelling at his mother, how rude!”

Niki shook her head in distaste as Jack nodded in agreement.

“She must have the will of thousands to deal with someone like Tommy.”

Kristin frowned at the statements being made behind her. It hurt her that the people her son admired and looked to spoke ill of him behind his back. What hurt her the most, however, was the lack of defense from her husband or sons. Instead, the defense came from someone else.

“Hey, leave the kid alone! Look at him, he’s just a child!”

“Quackity is right, Tommy’s nine here. Besides, if Kristin see’s something wrong with his tone, I’m sure she’d put him back in line.”

A satisfied hum came from Kristin as she smiled at Quackity and Ranboo, glad to see that some people had some sense in themselves.

Kristin frowned as she raised an eyebrow, tilting her head towards her youngest son. Tommy peered down at the chicken in his arms, ashamed. Sighing, he nodded as he looked back at her.

“I’m sorry, Mother. I just- I can’t go back.”

“Why not?”

“I hate being alone.”

The group watched as tears welled up in the child’s eye. They all felt a pinch of pain and hurt in their chests, frowning at how Tommy was feeling. Watching as he wiped his tears away with the chicken, they couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable.

“What do you mean by alone? I’m sure that if you just ask your brothers if you can join in sparring-”

“They left.”

“...What? What do you mean they left? What about your father? What did he say about this?”

“He left too. They all left me alone in the cottage. Something about being invited to a new server? They sent letters back home for me to read, but they stopped coming in two months ago. Dad and Techno started a nation, I think. The Antarctic Empire, or something. Wilbur started his own, but I think he’s allied with them? It got confusing after a while.”

“L’manburg wasn’t Wilbur’s first country?”

“Forget that, the anarchists started a country?!”

“Letters stopped two months ago? When did they leave you behind?”

“Um, I’m not sure? They left November twenty-second.”

“Wha- Tommy, it’s July fourth! They’ve been gone for almost seven months!

“Wow, really? It’s been that long? Huh, would you look at that! I’m a master survivor!”

“Ow!”

“I still don’t forgive you for that! How could you leave our son behind like that?! For seven months?!”

“Kristin-”

“Don’t, we’ll talk about this later.”

“And you’ve been alone all along? What about our sweet neighbors? Aren’t you best friends with that boy your age?”

“Tubbo went with his dad on a trip a few months back.”

“Schlatt took him on a trip? Huh, weird. And what about Lani?”

“What’s so surprising about that? I can be a loving and cool father, right Tubbo? Lani?”

The two siblings avoided the ram’s gaze, mumbling excuses so they did not need to reply.

“Adopted dad took her on a different trip after she got upset that Schlatt left her behind.”

“Well, count on Jordan to cheer his daughter up.”

“The Captain is cool like that, Mum.”

“You bet he is! Man, I need to go on a trip with him again. He’d love to meet Michael!”

“Knowing dad, he’s gonna freak after seeing that his only son is married and has a child.”

“I think you’re wrong, Lani, dad will be fiiiiiiiiiiinnnnne.”

“Whatever.”

“Well, where are you going, Tommy? Joining them on this new server?”

“I was, but I decided not to.”

“And why not?”

“I was invited to a different server! See?”

Kristin watched as Tommy reopened his satchel, greeting the chicks who napped inside. Carefully pulling out an envelope, he smiled as he pulled out the card. Presenting it to his mother with pride, Tommy giggled with glee as she read the name of the server.

“Dream SMP?”

“Yup! Started back in April, I think? I got the invite a month back, and I’ve been preparing to leave ever since! Isn’t that cool? Someone thinks I’m cool enough to join a server!”

Kristin studied the face of her son, watching as he happily rambled about his plans for the new server. He didn’t fool her, he never could. She knew that despite his excitement, he was lonely and scared. He didn’t want to be alone.

“You’re not going to make me go back to the cottage, are you?”

“You know what? I’ll follow you wherever you choose to go.”

“Really?!”

“Absolutely, my ray of sunshine.”

“Oh, thank you!”

Pure love and happiness filled everyone as Tommy held the chicken close to himself, ignoring the strange looks people gave him as he mumbled his thanks.

“He really loves you, doesn’t he?”

“As do I for him. If I could live every day outside of my realm, I’d be by my family’s side every day.”

“Well, what are you waiting for? Now, let’s see this Dream SMP, okay?”

“M’kay!”

“You guys left Tommy all by himself when he was nine? Kinda wack, ngl.”

“Did you just verbally abbreviate “not going to lie” in real life?”

“That’s not the point, Sapnap.”

“I know, but still.”

Wilbur refused to speak or look at anyone. He didn’t know why the train brought him and the others here, but he knew that being sat with his family made him uncomfortable. Technoblade just sat beside his twin, messing with his hands as he silently thought things over. Peering at his parents and brother, he couldn’t help but wonder if he had been unfair towards his youngest brother. He didn’t regret doing what he did to L’manburg, the country deserved it. He didn’t regret a thing, no matter what Tommy said or did. He didn’t even know why the voices and his own consciousness felt uneasy by this all, nothing bad hadn’t even occurred yet! It was definitely uncomfortable to feel what Tommy was feeling during these events, but that was the only thing that truly explained his uneasiness.

He watched as his mother whispered to his father, her stare firm and strong. The ex-citizens of L’manburg all conversed with one another, sharing their observations so far. They all shared the same question, he knew this, but only one was brave enough to ask it. Watching as Drista made her way from Lani to Kristin, Techno watched with amusement.

“Excuse me? Mrs. Minecraft? Where is Tommy?”

“Oh, simple! None of us wanted him to revisit all these moments that may be uncomfortable for him, so he’s somewhere safe.”

Before anyone else could ask anything else, they were suddenly overwhelmed with excitement and joy. Turning around they watched as Tommy spawned into a new server, his mother’s chicken in his arms. Petting her head as he looked around, Tommy addressed his small following of chicks and chickens.

“Boys! Welcome to the Dream SMP!”

#The Reluctant Hero's Tale #The Reluctant Hero's Tale AU #Tommy is gremlin child pog

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whump-town · 4 years

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BAU Pool Fic

I wrote @davidrossi-ismydad bau pool fic... it’s 3,000 words bro I took it way too far

“Jack Attack!” Emily Prentiss finds herself with an armful of overly excited five-ear-old. “How are you doing baby?” She brushes a strand of his hair back from his face, rubbing in a spot of sunscreen on his temple. She loves all her nephews. They’re her maternal outlet and Jack just eats it up. Even if that does crush both her and Hotch.

Jack smiles broadly, “I’m super!” He moves, twisting so she can see the floaties on his little arms. “Look!” Jack points on his floaties, “Daddy got me floats with Cap’n ‘merica!” Sure enough, a cartooned Captain America is sitting on his bicep. “Uncle Dave is gonna let us swim!”

Emily is nodding along, used to his quick pace. She knew about the Captain America floaties last week when Dave first brought up opening the pool. Hotch went from timidly sipping the Scotch Dave gave him to panicked because Target hadn’t gotten in their superhero floaties yet. Of course, in the safety of Dave’s office, she’d chuckled at seeing his DadMode activate. Then she had Garcia show Hotch how to order the floaties online, where they were in-stock.

“I know,” she agrees, trying to match his enthusiasm. “Are you excited to swim?”

Jack nods, “Daddy said he would too!”

A sigh comes from behind her and Emily turns to find Hotch. He’s got a beach bag over his right shoulder while his left-hand twists his sunglasses by the side. “Buddy, I said I might swim.” He loves his team, really does, but getting in that pool with both sets of ‘the boys’ might be a bit much. That and he has to do his best to keep water out of his ears unless he wants to nurse an ear infection all summer long.

JJ and Garcia laughter cut through any further conversation, coming in through the side door. Their drinks already in hand, sent by Rossi to greet whoever he heard just pulled in. The two of them had been expecting Emily, she’d sent a text as a ‘heads up’ when she stopped for gas on the way here. It’s just a pleasant surprise to find Hotch and Jack too.

“So, that’s what you’ve been hiding under all those suits.” JJ cocks her head to the side, smirking at Hotch. She, of course, knows about her best friends rocking bods. Everyone has seen Morgan topless, so he’s no big surprise. The real treat in today’s plans was 100% figuring out what Hotch and Reid hid under way too many layers of clothes.

Garcia agrees too, sipping some white fruity white canned alcoholic drink. “You look hot, sir.”

Hotch looks down at himself. He’s wearing a dark green, thin button-down with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He hadn’t buttoned the first three buttons, leaving a good bit of his chest visible. His trunks are dark blue and come up just above his knees. They were shorter than what he’d expected when he ordered them but pants are always a problem at his height. So he considered it an overall win they didn’t come up higher.

Compared to his usual attire around them, he might as well be naked. Not to mention his pale skin which is startlingly bright in the light of Rossi’s parlor. Hot isn’t exactly what he’d seen in the mirror when he’d put it on. Just… clothes.

“Thank you,” he responds, with a tense smile. He really needs to work on accepting compliments. “Nice… bathing suits.”

That is the understatement of the year.

JJ has on a one-piece that cuts up very high on her hips. She’d chosen the color maroon and damn if she wasn’t right about it being her color. It’s cheeky and risky and Garcia was absolutely here for it. Refusing to hear JJ’s excuse she couldn’t pull off bathing suits like this one anymore. She has a mom-bod.

Emily’s rebuttal had been that JJ was right. She does have a mom-bod because JJ is a total MILF.

With two hype-women, JJ had to get the bathing suit.

Garcia’s own is white with red and blue flowers. There’s a perfect triangle cut out between her breast, drawing tasteful attention to them. Her selection had come easy, ‘I don’t need your help on this one. It’s speaking to me’. She too looked killer but saves her boss any grief on his compliment falling short.

Emily snorts at the comment but covers it up by addressing how her best friends had betrayed her. “Evidently, this year we were going one piece.” Emily gestures to her own body, to the bathing suit she’s hidden under a maxi dress. “I didn’t get the memo.”

Garcia caves first, “babe, we said we were sorry!”

Seeing this as his only ticket to get away from a conversation he has no idea how to be a part of, Hotch extends his hand to Jack. “Come on buddy.”

Emily puts him down, patting his head as he takes Hotch’s hand and follows his father with a little skip.

“See daddy,” he says brightly. “I told you, you looked han’some!”

Emily watches them leave, tucking her arms around her body. It’s protective and comforting. She smiles sadly at Jack’s comment, it turning bitterly into a frown

JJ cups Emily’s cheek, “we are sorry.”

The worst part is, she’s not mad they got one-piece bathing suits. It’s about her own insecurities. JJ has smooth, perfect skin, and Garcia’s gunshot wound makes her look like a badass. The memory is… murky but she’s a fighter because of it.

Emily’s scars are tainted. A reminder of just how awful their lives have been lately and when she takes her dress off it’s just going to be that much more in their face. She’s a walking horror film, a damn slasher movie.

“It’s fine,” Emily promises. “I’m just…” she blows out a breath. “I’m in a mood, I guess.”

Her arms are still crossed so JJ finds that a little hard to believe but before she can start to dive into a line of question and dredge up whatever is bothering her.

“I didn’t know the party was in here,” Rossi states, stepping into the house. He sees the tension in Emily’s body, frowning when Emily places her hand over the one JJ has on her cheek. Squeezing the thin digits before moving them away. “Bella?” His relaxed smile falls, “is there something wrong?”

Pappa Rossi has come out and he’s a fierce mister to mess around with.

Emily shakes her head, picking up her bag and stifling all her concerns. “I’m fine,” she promises. She motions for the other girls to follow and she meets Rossi at the door. “You just worry too much, vecchio uomo.”

Old man? She wounds him.

He’s dressed simply, no desire to swim in the pool with those little animals (whom he loves dearly but the point still stands). Dad jean and an opened button-down, he looks too good. He squints his eyes but his sunglasses hide his skepticism. “Mhmm.” He opens the door for them, “you’d better get out there. You’re missing out on a party.”

The party greets them before they can fully get out of the door.

“Oh, Spence,” JJ covers her mouth, the only person merciful enough to hide her smile at the sight of him. “Honey, what did you do?”

Someone, definitely Derek, had pushed him into the pool. He looks like a drowned rat. An adorable drowned rat but a rat none-the-less and in his clothes too. He shakes his head, looking down at his wet clothes. “I got pushed in.”

“Uncle Derek,” Jack explains helpfully, padding up to them. He’s visibly wet, obviously an eyewitness given his pleased smile.

“Yep,” Henry confirms from his best friend’s side. Smiling just as bright as Jack. “Untle Derek push’ted him in!” He jumps happily at the end, nodding his head to his mother.

The uncle in question sneaks up behind the boys, grabbing them by their waists and hoisting them up. “Are you boys tattling on me?” One on each side, Morgan looks between them faking an angry frown. Both boys know exactly what he’s going to do and start squirming excitedly. Claiming simultaneous denial.

Morgan’s face sobers for a split second, his attention on the adults. “Pretty boy had it coming,” he says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I brought him a bathing suit and he wouldn’t put it on.” He shrugs and his playful smirk sinks back into place as he announces, “and since someone tattled on me… I’m forced to get my revenge.”

“No! No!” Henry and Jack shout, gleefully screaming as Morgan turns around and heads for the pool.

“Hold your breath boys!” Morgan jumps in and there’s a large splash as all three submerge. The boys pop up first like little apples, laughing uncontrollably.

Reid is standing in front of them shivering, looking rather pathetic soaked to the bone. “I pulled him in with me,” Reid states, moving to get past them.

Poor Reid had not been expecting it at all. He’d gone to the pool’s edge to talk to Henry and Jack. They were chatting away, Jack showing him the Captain America’s and Henry telling Reid that he was gonna learn how to swim without floats with Uncle Hotch too. So he and Jack could both be big boys.

That’s when Morgan had come up from behind, lifting Reid off his feet in a swoop and throwing him in.

In his mind, it was payback. Morgan brought Reid a very bright red speedo, a gag gift of course. After that fun had ended, the fun being seeing how red he got having to hold the atrocious garment in his hand, Morgan had gifted him light purple swim trunks.

So that he could swim. Except, Reid refused. So Morgan took the matter into his own hands. Then he felt guilty.

Offering Reid a hand up had, of course, been a mistake because the second the genius’ hand met his Morgan felt a sharp pull. Then he found himself in the pool.

Jack and Henry, who hadn’t recovered from how hard they’d laughed watching Reid get dunked in were wheezing by the time Morgan’s head popped back up.

It seems as if they really did miss a party.

“Prentiss,” Hotch greets, walking up alongside her with a drink. “It’s a strawberry daiquiri, Dave said it’s your favorite.”

She takes the drink with a smile, watching her friends mingle and laugh amongst themselves. While she stands off to the side, isolating herself. She takes a small sip from the top, smiling. God, if Hotch and Rossi weren’t just the sweetest men she knew. Which is a strange thought to have once she considers it. Hotch is the bad cop to her good cop and Rossi is the reason they have such strict fraternization rules.

“Do you think I can just be Emily, today?” she asks hopefully.

Hotch smiles, nodding. “If I can be Aaron,” he barters. They tap their glasses together, a silent agreement. He takes a sip of his beer, watching the others around them. He’d gotten word, from Dave, about Emily and the bathing suit thing. She could play the other’s stupid but no one can lie to David Rossi. Not even Hotch. “Not swimming?”

She sighs and she knows exactly what this is. “Aaron...” she sighs, shaking her head but she can’t think of what to say. She can’t say he doesn’t understand. Her wounds might be larger but he had more. Quantity to quality and God, that’s awful.

He takes her hand lightly, his eyes intense and sad.

And she’s terrified.

He lets go and she thinks that it. He’s going to let it go because they’re messing with demons here and she’s learned her lesson with stirring them up. But he does something so much worse.

He takes his shirt off.

“Hotch-”

His hands are trembling despite this being some act of courage because it’s only been two years and he knows the scars look awful and-

“Uh-oh!” JJ yells from the other side of the pool. She’s very drunk and drunk JJ is very supportive… and has no filter. “DILF alert!” She sends them two thumbs up and Will waves, a stressed smile stretched across his face.

Hearing the commotion, Garcia turns away from Morgan and their current conversation. “Holy shit…” Garcia mumbles, pushing her sunglasses down to get a better look. “Does the FBI do a wet t-shirt contest or something? We have to get you boys in it.”

Hotch tilts his head expectantly.

“Oh shut up,” she rolls her eyes and sits her daiquiri down. She takes back every nice thing she’s ever said or thought about him. Especially that internal monologue from before about him being one of just the sweetest man she knew. In fact, she doesn’t like men at all anymore.

Pulling her dress up over her head, she shakes her head.

That’s right, the Aaron Hotchner, a certified DILF, and federal agent had turned her 100% gay… well, until she forgives him.

She frowns at him, realizing how dumb they both look just staring at each other mostly naked. “Satisfied?”

He raises an eyebrow, playfully shaking his head, “are you trying to get us both sent to a sexual harassment meeting, Agent Prentiss?”

“Morgan and Garcia could use the company.” She’s trying very hard to keep her eyes on his face which is also making it hard to be mad at him. The scars aren’t even that noticeable and, while his abs might not be as defined as Morgan’s they are still visible. And nice.

Before this conversation or frankly, anything else about this day, can get any weirder, Rossi calls out that the burgers are done.

First come first served.

Which really means Reid, Henry, and Jack eat first while the rest of them fend for themselves.

The chaos, as always, really gets going after dinner.

JJ, Emily, and Garcia were standing and discussing whether or not Emily should get a different bathing suit for the beach trip her mother’s planning when the boys come from nowhere.

Will, Reid, and Morgan.

All three girls end up in the pool. Garcia slung over Morgan’s shoulder. JJ scooped up by Will. Emily dragged kicking and screaming by Reid. It’s declared war and Emily, seeing Hotch chuckling at the sight of them, decides it’s against all of the men.

The other three aren’t that hard to get.

Will is lured in the way any man is into a trap, by thinking with the wrong head. JJ takes him out at the knees and Emily is the final blow. Execution style. Will considers it to be a bitter defeat.

Morgan is stupid. Emily sends off to get more drinks and together Garcia and JJ rush him as he walks past the pool. He goes in mid-wave to Jack and Henry, who are playing in the shallow end.

Emily just picks Reid up, doing the same as he’d done to her. Ego soaring and the alcohol she’d consumed clouding her judgment, Emily takes on her main target. Aaron Hotchner.

He’s standing at the edge of the pool, with his shirt back on but completed unbuttoned, and telling Jack and Henry to come to get another layer of sunscreen on. His back is completed turned when Emily pushes into him. She’s expecting to hear his body hit the pool water and then her name to be grumbled out when he bobs back to the surface.

It’s like hitting concrete. The man goes nowhere.

He turns to face her, frowning disappointingly. “Is that all you got Emily?” He shakes his head and turns back to the boys, “chop! Chop! The faster you get out the faster you get right back in.”

Emily attempts to conspire with the others but they’re cowards.

“Oh, no, princess. Not a chance in hell.” Morgan shakes his head, he already thinks she’s crazy for trying the first time.

JJ is too drunk to really tackle.

Garcia thinks it would be cruel. Hotch has done nothing wrong.

Will is a coward.

Reid is scared of him.

Rossi is too old.

“You’re all boring,” she pouts. So she tries again on her own.

The boys are back in the pool, Hotch asking when the last time they had some water or a juice box was. That alone almost stops her. Because it’s adorable. She decides she really doesn’t care and takes the approach of shouting his name and then tackling him.

He catches her. She hits his body but he moves at the last second and wraps his arms around her waist. “Is this what you were trying to do?” Right over his shoulder she goes, plop- right in the pool.

The boys get a proper kick out of it.

Emily, with a towel wrapped around her shoulders, sulking in a chair watches as Jack and Henry shout for Hotch. He pretends to be surprised as they run at him. They jump up and he catches them to his chest, making a dramatic show of pretending to be knocked back into the pool.

When he comes to the surface he shakes his hair out of his face and she frowns, hating him for making that look hot.

Ick... men.

The afternoon wraps itself up well.

Rossi lures the boys out of the pool with sweets and movies. It’s a picture perfect moment.

Jack and Henry are exhausted and the moment they settle in the living room, both sharing Uncle Dave’s lap in the lazy boy, they’re out like lights. There’s the smallest bit of chocolate smeared on their lips and Rossi dares Hotch or Will to take his boys away. They can stay the night.

And they do.

Emily says goodbye to all three, pressing kisses to their temples.

“Did you have fun, Bella?”

She got free food. She got drunk.

Her boss took his shirt off in front of everyone to make her feel comfortable in her own skin and then dunked her in the pool.

She laughed until she cried with JJ and Garcia.

She played a very dangerous game of chicken with Morgan and Reid...

“Yeah,” she admits. “I had a lot of fun.”

Rossi’s eyes crinkle, “mission accomplished then.”

#BAU pool party #emily prentiss #is the main character #think about it #reid is a baby #and totally wears purple swimming trunks #hotch is a dilf #i'm just going over things we all know #criminal minds fanfiction #aaron hotchner #jennifer jareau #derek morgan #spencer reid #penelope garcia #david rossi #jack hotchner #henry jareau

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bauslut · 4 years

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rejection

pairing: emily prentiss x reader

word count: 1.1k

warnings: angst, some cursing, references to murder, references to violence, pining

a/n: hello! i’m here with a request from @millipop18 ! this is set during jennifer’s wedding, at the season seven finale! this is my first time writing for emily, so please be gentle. i hope you all enjoy! :))

prompt: “it’s been so long, sometimes i wonder how i will stay strong.”

“are you sure she’s okay?”

swiveling your head, you arch your brow at a very intoxicated derek morgan, penelope clinging to his elbow, nuzzling her head into his shoulder, incoherent rambles rolling off her tongue. the crowd is milling about, either dancing or in groups, chatting among themselves.

reid was babbling off to rossi, spewing out statistics about weddings while rossi downed another glass of scotch. hotch was invested in a light-hearted conversation with some family, happily chattering about jack and the joys of parenthood.

yet, there was one individual, lurking on the outskirts, a frown etched across her lips.

“i’m not sure,” you inhale sharply, swishing around ice in your glass, eyeing her from across the dance floor, “she seems so distant tonight.”

“maybe you should go talk to her,” derek remarks, pressing a tender kiss to penelope’s temple, “after all, this is a night to celebrate.”

“you have to remember the decision she made,” you counter, taking a sip, “this probably isn’t easy for her, morgan.”

“you’re right,” he echoes, whistling slightly, “you should go talk to her though, make sure she’s okay.”

“i will,” you murmur, “get some more cake and drinks you two, jj said she doesn’t want to take any of this home!”

“you don’t have to tell me twice!” derek’s voice crescendos as you make your way through the crowd, a soft ballad wafting into your ears.

jj and will are in the midst of the dance floor, the blonde’s head snuggled into his chest, his chin resting on top of her head. henry was sound asleep in one of the chairs, family members packing up a variety of food.

carefully, you make your way over to the bar, requesting another drink. something you know that she wouldn’t say no to. something she could sip on to send a buzz coursing through her veins, forgetting the inevitable pain that lingered.

“hey!” you chirp, stretching out your hand to offer her the drink, “emily, we’re at a wedding and you look like you’re at a funeral.”

“maybe it is,” she mumbles, giving you a curt thank you before taking a long swig, “it’s the funeral of my hopes and dreams.”

“hopes and dreams?” your brow furrows, “what are you talking about?”

a long, weary sigh tumbles from her lips, her gaze flickering over to two sole individuals.

“i really thought i had a chance.”

your lips part, confusion buzzing in your mind. however, the moment your eyes drift over to the focus of her attention, it clicks.

emily prentiss was referring to her unrequited love for jennifer jareau.

and you didn’t need to profile her to see it.

the pain was there, plaguing her features. bright, warm, mocha colored eyes were a darkened obsidian hue, shattered and broken. her complexion was a shade lighter than usual, the color drained from her face. the aura clinging to her presence was nothing but hurt, masked by a weary, pained, smile.

“emily,” you begin, your voice soft and delicate, “you’ve been through so much lately. please, don’t beat yourself up over it. there are some things that just aren’t meant to be.”

“you of all people should know how my mind works,” emily snorted, shaking her head, “it’s been so long, since.. we were together. i mean, i fell for her the moment i walked into the bau. i thought that maybe i would have a chance, that she felt the things i felt for her, but i guess i was wrong. and that’s what hurts the most. sometimes i wonder how i will stay strong. like you said, i’ve been through so much.”

“emily i’m not saying that you don’t have a right to be hurt,” gently, you lay a hand on her shoulder, “what i’m trying to say is that with everything that’s happened lately, you have every right to be upset. yet, you can’t blame yourself for the way things unfolded. however, i’m surprised you showed up tonight.”

“crazy what we’ll do for the people who broke our hearts huh?” she chuckles, the sound dry and hoarse.

“you’ll get over her,” the words are light, promising, “i know you will, emily. the badass within you will make sure it happens.”

for the first time that night, you notice the corners of her lips curl, curving into a wide smile.

“you mean that?”

“of course i do,” you nod, “so, has anyone asked you to dance yet? or have you just been sulking all night?”

“hotch, rossi, and derek are all lucky men,” her voice is laced with a tease.

“well,” you set down your drink, taking hers out of her grasp, “i have a question for you, miss prentiss. and i’m correct, you won’t say no.”

“and that is?” she arches a brow, folding her arms across her chest, “also, no profiling, remember?”

“this isn’t profiling,” you scoff, offering her your hand, “will you have this dance?”

there’s a beat of silence, emily blinking momentarily, swallowing thickly.

“of course i’ll dance with you.”

lacing her fingers with yours, you whisk her onto the dance floor, placing a tender hand on her waist, bearing a content grin. throughout the song, you crack a few jokes, your heart swelling with every note of laughter that flows from her plush lips.

god, you were hoping to get her mind off things. from the look of it, she was finally relaxing, allowing herself to savor the moment, eyes glittering with laughter, donning a smile that would hopefully last for a few more hours.

for a moment, you softened under the intimacy, the ability to be so close to a woman who often closed herself off to others. you were dazed by her radiant beauty, relishing the way her giggles bounced into her ears.

and just for a second, you believed that maybe she shared the same feelings, nuzzling her head into your shoulder, murmuring how much better she felt after spending time with you.

yet, your heart sinks as she pulls away, the final song of the night sputtering out its final notes, emily’s attention focusing once more to jj. it was almost as jj was a beacon. a shining, radiant light that pulled her in.

however, you knew how jj felt. how she broke emily’s heart. but for some reason, emily was drawn in, always finding her way back.

that was the thing about rejection.

no matter how hard someone pushed you away, you longed to be with them.

and that’s what hurt as you watched emily stroll over to jj, gushing and giving one final goodbye, peppering a chaste kiss to her cheek.

emily prentiss wasn’t the only soul facing rejection that night.

and boy, did it hurt so fucking bad.

☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

tagged: @tempus-ut-luceant @littlevodika @elenamiria @wlllllow @sapphicstars

#prentiss #emily prentiss #criminal minds #prentiss x reader #criminal minds x reader

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crutchie-with-a-y · 4 years

Text

soup night at the lodging house

i bet you the newsies would have soup like all the dang time ya know? because they could just stone soup that shit, and we know how the newsies are all about community.

like i bet at one point money started getting short so jack called a meeting and was like, maybe we should start making our own food more often so we can save money?

and so they all like chipped in a bit to buy like a giant ass pot TM, and then they realize they dunno what to do with it

so they ask sarah to come show them how to like cook.

and she brings davey and les because they’re pretty helpless in this area as well

and so she starts coming over every evening to show them how to chop things and how to use a stove and stuff

“damn so you just know?? how to do?? all of this?” -race

“yeah, as a girl it’s kinda expected of you ya know?” -sarah

“that’s like...so badass tho.” all the newsies nod and mumble in agreement.

after like two weeks of coming back to the lodging house for cooking lessons after work

the newsies surprise sarah and make a giant pot of soup all by themselves as a thank you and give her the first taste.

and that’s when she remembers to teach them about salt

and so it becomes like this thing like every friday night everyone is assigned to bring something for the soup

and they can invite whoever they want, the guests just have to bring something as well

and when money gets short sometimes they do it more than one time a week

or just because its fun and they all look foward to fridays

all look foward to walking into a warm Lodging house filled with laughter and a lovely smell wafting from the kitchen.

and walking into the kitchen, where dozens of newsies are chopping up vegetables and dumping things into the giant pot.

the older newsies walking around and making sure everyone is using their knife safely.

and once everyones done their part they pour mugs of water or coffee or whatever drink they could get their hands on, chatting about everything and teasing each other.

occasionally strutting over to the stove where jack stands by one of the younger newsies on a stepstool, stirring and occaionally sniffing or tasting.

and then jack finally calling “IT’S READY MANHATTAN”

and everyone cheering and quickly downing whatevers left in their mugs so they can fill it with soup.

and then lining up, finally getting to the front, and jack ladeling a big scoup of broth and vegetables and sometimes meat into their mugs, a little bit splashing over the sides and onto their hands and then licking it off.

and then moving past the pot and grabbing a spoon, and if it’s a holiday or a birthday or just been a particularly good week, grabbing a thin slice of bread.

and then sitting down with the rest of the newsies, some in the kitchen, some in the lounging area, some out on the front stoop, chatting and happiling slurping up their soup

jack coming over at least once to each group to ask how everything tastes and how everyone’s doin.

everyone loves soup nights at the lodging house because THEY made the food. made it with their own hard work and their own love with their own community

#newsies #newsiestober #newsies fanfic #newsies fanfiction #newsies imagine #newsies headcanons #jack kelly #jack kelly newsies #race newsies #racetrack higgins #racetrack higgins newsies #sarah jacobs #sarah jacobs newsies #sarah newsies

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deliciouslyswaggytrashcan · 5 years

Note

In honor of the release of Resident Evil 2 remake, could you write some headcannos with a Resident Evil 2 AU with Shiro and Keith rescuing their potential fem! s/o from those infected with the G-virus and accompanying them along the journey? Thanks Mae! Hope school is going well for you!

Ahhh I really like this! Fair warning, I don’t know much about Resident Evil as I recently revisited the series. I’ve been watching Jack and Mark play the remake as well as playing it myself. So I’m sorry if these aren’t very good. So sorry it took me so long to get to your request!

Shiro:

All he wanted was an easy first day at his new job as a Raccoon city police officer

But the second he drove into town and found the place crawling with zombies

Can the man ever catch a break?

As he’s making his way toward the police station, he stumbles across another person in danger

It’s Shiro to the rescue!

Quickly defends this other survivor from a zombie that was mere seconds away from ripping the throat of them

Offering a hand to the survivor, he was happily surprised to see a girl, shaking from fear but otherwise, alright

He’s quick to reassure her that everything will be okay and that he’ll protect them

As she takes his hand, the sound of more growls sets them both on edge and it was their cue to get the hell outta there

And thus their adventure began

Shiro is very happy to have someone to keep him company along this adventure clearly neither of them wanted

He tries to casually chat with her as they carry along trying to get out of there alive

He’s also genuinely curious about his new companion and he wants to learn more about them

Plus he’s trying to set her at ease from being scared with all that’s before them and talking to her also calms him down too

Always quick to pull her behind him in order to defend them from any danger

He’s a gentlemen as he helps her climb over things, let’s them climb ladders first, and giving them a boost up should they need to grab something

The two watch each other’s back, shooting zombies or whatever danger comes their way

As they keep moving along, Shiro can’t help but start feeling attracted to his companion

Zombies tend to bring people closer together

He admires their strength and endurance through this hell and he had a very deep sense of wanting to protect them

He’ll put himself in harms way if it mean that they can escape out of there alive

But thankfully, the two make it outta the city alive and with perhaps a few more scars than before

Both exhausted and covered in blood and dirt, Shiro can’t help but yank them into a hug and kiss them, breathing a heavy sigh of relief that it’s all over

They had been to hell and back together and have endured so much so their next big challenge: dating

Keith:

It’s not like Raccoon city was his first choice after barely graduating from the police academy

But at this point, he knew it wouldn’t do him any good to complain about it all

As he pulls up to a gas station on the outskirts of the city, he instantly senses that something is very wrong

Cue zombies charging in his direction as they chase after a girl who is screaming for help

Keith instantly moves in with his knife and gun, picking up the girl and throwing them into the car and driving away towards the city

The girl thanks him for saving their life and quickly introducing themselves as he continues to drive

Keith really doesn’t say much but he’ll ask them if they know what’s going on but of course, they don’t know anything

But it doesn’t really matter as now, Keith’s determined to just make it alive with her

So when they start moving around the police station, splitting up is out of the question which is a bit surprising for Keith

But he’s just worried something might happen to his new found companion and he doesn’t want them to get killed

If only one of them is gonna make it out alive, Keith is going to do everything in his power to ensure that she’s the one that will get out of there alive

As they move along, he’ll teach them how to fight with a knife should the occasion call for it

He’s very careful as they move along, very cautious about where they step

When zombies start attacking them, Keith gives them the flashlight as he starting taking them out

It worked out so well the first time actually that the two developed a system that they would aim the flashlight in the direction of the zombies while he takes them out

In their calm moments, they start learning more about each other, taking turns asking each other questions

It also helps them take their minds off the situation before them as they both needed something nice to talk about

Keith can’t help but feel attracted to her as they travel along through this hell together

At first he blames the situation and how their emotions are running high but then he realizes that it’s a genuine attraction to them

Keith isn’t a 100% sure that either of them will make it out but now he wants both of them to make it out of there together so they can maybe be together

After being covered in blood and making their way through a literal shit hole that is the sewers, they both almost cried tears of joy the moment they saw sunlight of a new day

Keith was a little forward as he quickly pecked their lips, saying how he really didn’t expect to make it out alive and saying how he really wanted to do that

He also can’t help but comment that they make a good team, especially being badass zombie fighters

This smooth boy then says that they should go out sometime, certainly a place free of zombies

Ayyee shitty headcanons for ya that complete suck. Thanks for the request hun! ~Admin Mae

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iknewiwouldregretthis · 5 years

Text

okay here’s a bunch of information i know on dudes in the wild west for melissa @cwtchpup so it doesn’t clog up the chat and also for anyone else i guess. it is Long because it’s basically everything i could come up with off the top of my head

so doc holliday is some dude who got a degree in dentistry in the 1860s or so and then about immediately found out that he had tuberculosis so he moved to the southwest where the air was dry and was like “wow i’m good at cards” so he became a gambler which was an actual profession and he was very good at it. i’m sure he probably did some dentsiting on the side still because it was a lot less “see you in six months for your next cleaning” and a lot more “tooth hurts? drink this whiskey and i’ll go get my pliers.” then in maybe texas? he met the earps (virgil, morgan, wyatt) who were lawmen and became like an assistant deputy lawman? i think you pretty much just had to be assigned the role of deputy or lawman and didn’t need any qualifications BUT doc was really good at shooting so he had that going for him and if i remember right one of the earps was a sheriff or marshal or something and did the deputizing. he was with wyatt earp at the ok corral which is a very famous shootout but all i remember is that either virgil or morgan died and so wyatt and doc and the remaining earp brother went rogue and hunted down and killed the dudes who did it and then had a price on their heads. wyatt and doc got a divorce because wyatt went back to being the law and doc went back to having a severe disease and then he went to glenwood springs colorado where he died in his hotel and was buried in linwood pioneer cemetery because he died a pauper. he was in like his early to mid 30s. about 50 years later, there was some break in and some of the cemetery records were stolen and so now, we don’t know exactly where doc is buried in the cemetery (there wasn’t a marker because he was already buried at taxpayer expense and they sure weren’t gonna cough up the 30 cents or however much it took to make a headstone). there is a memorial where they’ve fenced off a grave-sized area and put a marker, and people have left playing cards and empty shot-sized alcohol bottles and small amounts of money like dollar bills and coins and a few casino chips in kind of the same vein as people kissing oscar wilde’s grave which i think is super cool.

a fun side note here is that glenwood springs was a frontier town originally made up of brothels, gambling halls, and mining supply shops (just like every other frontier town) called Defiance which was a crazy cool name except that one of the town founders was like “hmmmm my sweet gentle wife from iowa is having trouble adjusting to the harsh realities of frontier life what if we changed the name of our town defiance to glenwood springs, after her hometown of glenwood iowa?” and apparently everyone else at the town founders meeting was like “hey jimmy nobody cares about your kind gentle iowan wife but if it’ll shut you up we will name this town glenwood springs”

anyway, also buried in the linwood cemetery is kid curry (not to be confused with kid cudi, the sundance kid, anyone else with kid or curry in their name including george flat nose curry who kid got his name from). kid curry was part of the wild bunch but was like kind of a disaster compared to his more gentleman thief-esque colleagues. he was a that-guy-who-wrote-les-mis-whose-name-i-forgot of the old west to the point that when prostitutes had kids and they didn’t know who the dad was or didn’t want to say, they’d call them curry kids. anyway he got shot trying to pull a train robbery outside of parachute with some guys (they might’ve been from black jack ketchum’s gang? which kid curry ran with before he joined the wild bunch) after the wild bunch broke up. he was still a badass though because he told the other dudes to leave him behind and then shot himself rather than let the cops take him alive. the cops found the dead criminal and then presumably went “uhhh i guess we bury him now” and stuck him in the pauper’s cemetery. not too long after, a pinkerton detective who was an expert in the wild bunch was like “hey i think that dude you guys buried is kid curry based on the description do you mind digging him up so i can see?” and the super chill town cops were like “hell yeah let’s go” and they dug up harvey and the pinkerton was like “that’s sure him” and the cops went “oh sweet let’s give him a marker” and then put him back. that’s mostly all i know about kid curry except his name is harvey logan which i don’t think i mentioned earlier.

the wild bunch was super late in the wild west, hitting the height of their outlawing around 1899. butch cassidy, aka robert leroy parker, who looks kind of like matt damon, was the leader and was a brilliant tactical mind. the wild bunch robbed tons of banks and trains and always escaped basically unscathed thanks to butch’s planning. they also bragged a lot about not killing people every but kid curry was super gun happy and killed like 9 people on record so kid curry lets everyone down as usual. (it’s not just his fault, i’m pretty sure the sundance kid aka harry longabaugh something also killed some people that we know of also). anyway, the gang would do a robbery and then lay low for a while. most of the laying low happened in an area that was called brown’s hole but is now mostly called brown’s park (a park is a geographical area that’s like a valley but like in the mountains? i don’t totally remember the definition but it’s a big flat that’s high up.) brown’s hole is in the unita mountains, a range in the rockies that runs east/west instead of north/south. it’s in that bit of utah right where it borders both colorado and wyoming. the wild bunch worked there as ranch hands and would give money to the local community and so the community loved and sheltered them. they also went out of their way to not commit crimes in utah or colorado because they didn’t want the law in those states after them. they spent a lot of time and brothels and would take their favorite ladies on huge lavish vacations and buy them all kinds of fancy things. basically the whole life was do a big robbery, live a glamorous dramatic lavish life until the money runs out, repeat.

when they hung out in brown’s hole, a bunch of the gang fell in love with locals, which were all good morman girls because that’s who lived on the ranches in brown’s hole at the turn of the century. it was kind of a disaster love story for all of them because it’s hard to be a good morman girl and marry a dude who only knows how to be an outlaw but they tried and some of them made a good go of it, before the former wild bunch men went back to outlawing and/or got themselves killed. elza ley, who doesn’t have a cool nickname as far as i remember, is one of the dudes who got married to a local girl, and i think the first one who did. i think the tall texan (ben kilpatrick or ben kirkpatrick or ben something-patrick) did also. as far as i can remember right now, none of the marriages ended after a long and happy life, usually because the dude got himself killed. they were just too used to their lavish lifestyle circle to actually settle down and be ranch boys. also it didn’t help that the whole lot of them thought it’d be a fun time to get a group photo taken in texas at a studio several years back and all the pinkerton detectives started carrying it around with them to show people.

butch and sundance went down to i think peru? and tried to do some robberies down there because the whole rest of the gang was getting married and getting shot. the two of them were killed by the local militia in a robbery gone wrong. (as seen in the movie butch cassidy and the sundance kid with robert redford and some other man). interestingly, a lady named etta place was there with them. etta was the sundance kid’s girl (tbh historians are kind of iffy about it because there’s letters saying she’s butch’s girl, stuff saying they shared her, and stuff that says she’s butch’s cousin and stuff saying she and butch grew up and were childhood sweethearts but as adults she only dated the sundance kid which is one of the more accepted theories) and the interesting thing about etta is that she pretty much shows up in history when she starts hanging around the wild bunch and then disappears almost immediately before butch and sundance get themselves killed. i think they picked etta up because she worked at fanny porter’s brothel in texas and the boys went there a lot, and there’s some sources saying she caught a boat from peru to nyc but like there’s no confirmation? she just shows up, does some robbing, gets treated to the good life, and then disappears. anyway there’s a famous picture of her and sundance where she’s wearing a pocket watch from tiffany’s that cost like $50 which was A Lot.

there were also a bunch of ladies who were not necessarily IN the wild bunch, but were safe havens or hangers-on (i think etta and queen ann basset were the only two who did crimes with them but they don’t get to be included in most accounts because they were 1. not in the famous photo and 2. women). however, there was one family that the boys sheltered with a bunch to the point that elizabeth basset, the matriarch, was basically also their mom? she adopted them and it’s very sweet. one of her daughters, josie, apparently was butch’s girl for a little bit when she was younger and i think also elza’s? josie eventually married (5 times if i remember right, none of which were to the wild bunch. there was at least one husband she was accused of poisoning) and built herself a ranch using some box canyons as corrals, and built the entire 5 room ranch house herself by hand. it had one fireplace, the walls were papered in newsprint, and there was no electricity (even after it got invented). the only running water was from underground streams, because of complicated water rights. josie hunted deer, raised cattle, farmed, made her own whiskey, sewed her own clothes, lasted through prohibition and the great depression and eventually slipped on ice and broke her hip, forcing her to go to a hospital. she died there, at age 90, in 1963. her ranch is currently in the bounds of dinosaur national monument (the utah part) and is open to visitors.

that’s all i can think of at present. also i know it’s weird and possessive to refer to women as “dude’s girl” but there’s not quite any other way to get across what i mean? like saying they were going steady is too 1950s and nothing else really describes the relationship. it wasn’t dating. that’s just what you called it? anyway here’s some pictures of josie’s house

#old west info #mine #there's those posts about how everyone has one area of history that they were super into #the old west is one of mine

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durenjtmusings · 7 years

Text

The Great SPN Meta Scavenger Hunt: Round 2 - The Exclamatories, Expletives and Key Words/Phrases Listicle

(or TL;DR - “Suck as it may, our perky nipples are defcon screwed with signs of douchery, so shut your cakehole, you whackjob, before I make your posh spice ass have a code brown moment and use you for an angel condom. Asshat.”)

[No abstract here because writing them is hard and f*ck that sh*t it is 4 am.]

Introduction:

Thanks to @elizabethrobertajones for kickstarting my “SPN Character Voice Database” project with this challenge. The verbal creativity and qualities of each character’s “voice’ has always been one of the things that has greatly entertained me about Supernatural. So, in attempting to write SPN fanfic, I am pretty obsessed about making character’s dialogue *sound* right. @chiisana-sukima and I were chatting recently about our struggles to 'write’ the boys swearing convincingly (I make then swear lamely and she has to take swears out) and BOTH of us are struggling with making Sam swear right (tip – turns out, that’s because he doesn’t very much). [I think this is the presenting problem or sorta the research question, but again, 4 am and not getting paid so ;P]

In the spirit of scientific investigation, I have begun to address this problem in a typically “academic” way – I collected and analyzed unique character language patterns data for all 12 of the initial SPN episodes (using Excel and everything). Analysis consisted of *highly subjective* qualitative and quantitative methodologies using the rubric below (thanks to @k-vichan for the rubric framework from their “Dean the Action Hero” entry)

Review of Existing Research:

As far as I know – this research is unique in fandom – if someone has already done this, PLEASE let me know so I can do something ELSE with my time.

Definitions of Key Terms:

Exclamatory – ‘throw-away’ words which, if removed from the sentence, have no real effect – they are there for punctuation, character flavor, etc. and often start or end a sentence. Includes ‘pet words’ for people like son, boy, douche, Giraffe, etc. For my purposes, I did NOT count ah, well, alright or OK, because EVERYONE USES THEM ALL THE TIME in this show. Some words counted in this category ONLY if they were NOT used ‘correctly’ in context – examples (correct usage in brackets): Hell (the place), God (the person/entity), hey (to get you to turn around), c’mon (to get you to come with someone) and man (to indicate a male person).

Expletive – swears, substitute swears and blasphemes (technically all exclamatories, but in a class by themselves). These were casually assigned ‘strength’ by how much I got in trouble for saying them when a kid (words like friggin’ were counted for strength as if they were the swear they replaced). We were not a religious family so blasphemes were all counted as lamer than more scatological swears.

Key Words and Phrases – Crack stuff said by characters that ‘define their voice’ – things that make them uniquely them. Fun phrases and sayings. Includes innocuous stuff like “Seriously?”, “You’ve gotta be kidding me,” and chick. Sometimes a colloquialism was counted, like ‘ain’t been’ because it seemed unique to the character. NOTE: Cas is a special case here – his entries tended to be overly formal words no one else ever really says OR cases where he starts to use human idioms at ALL.

Method:

Re-watched all initial episodes over the course of 5 days and recorded all entries in the above 3 categories by character, with extras grouped as a block. Then grouped all recurring characters of note in a “friends and family” group for easier analysis, creating 4 main groups: Dean, Sam, F&F and Xtras. These four groups were then analyzed in the following categories and assigned scores by one completely biased reviewer.

Quantity - actual # of items recorded across ALL characters. Repetitions were counted individually.

Variety - (scale of 1-5) measures how unique and interesting items are for this episode, as well as ‘strength’ of expletives.

Originality - 5 points per item that made me chuckle or raised my eyebrow the 1st time I watched the episode

Sam vs Dean - % of Sam items to Dean items as an integer. Sam hardly swears, so we want to give him lots of credit for when he DOES do so. This also serves as a measure of ‘balance’ in verbal creativity for the episode.

Family & Friends - (scale of 1-5) QVO (see above) across other core characters (+1 bonus point if Cas had ANY)

Xtras - (scale of 0-5) QVO across any Xtras

Impress me – 5 points per character whose performance REALLY stood out to me (purely subjective, don’t argue with the researcher)

Controlling for Bias: @chiisana-sukima and I also discussed how the writer for each episode had a lot to do with language, so we’ve included that data in the results. Other items that may affect the data include a) how much silence there was built into the script, b) how MANY characters appeared in the episode, and c) how plot affected the character (Demon!Dean, Demon!Bobby, Leviathan!Cas, dead-hallucination Bobby-in-Sam’s-head, etc.). For my purposes, if they LOOKED and tried to ACT like the character, their words were categorized for that character. But, essentially, I didn’t sweat this stuff and did whatever I wanted, because no one is paying me, so there.

Results:

SO – no surprise this is stupidly long and full of illustrative screencaps. Read below the cut for the Fun stuff! {Oh, and pre-emptively: “Screw you, my math is perfect.”}

1.1 Pilot (Kripke)

Dean: Whoa; easy tiger, are you kidding me?; hell, gig, dude, not bad, scored (got); do some digging (research), cakehole, check it out, c'mon, I betcha, here's the deal; dude, took a swan dive, "what the...", I'm super, chick, what a bitch (she is), I don't get it, no chick flick moments, bitch, hey man, dude, five-o, take off, crap, boobs, nice work (well done), saved your ass, screwed up, shag ass, whatever, helluva,

Sam: crap, hell, hey, c'mon, the damn thing, working overtime on a Millertime shift; man, dean; jim, jack and jose; I swear, man; kinda, hey, genius (deprecating), hey, jerk, hell, we got work to do.

F&F: John –hell, (sports reference) ; Mary - oh my God

Xtras: hell, smartass, hell, Hell

Quantity – 60

Variety – 4

Originality – 20 [cakehole; no chick flick moments; working overtime on a Millertime shift; jim, jack and jose]

Sam vs Dean – 18/35 or 51

Family & Friends – 1

Xtras – 1

Impress me – 10 [Dean, of course, made a strong first impression in this pilot episode, but comparatively this is one of Sam’s strongest episodes as well.]

Total = 142

2.1 In My Time of Dying (Kripke)

Dean: man, c'mon, gimme, thank god, screw you, c'mon, lay some mojo on me, c'mon, what the hell kinda, hey, frickin', man, dude, full on Swazy'd that mother. What the…, get the hell away, now what?, sorta, you gotta be kiddin' me, god, I'll be damned, damn straight, I'm screwed, son of a bitch (angry), chick, far too laid back, hell, cut me a break, I'll pass, not into (x) chicks, what the hell, ditch it, c'mon, c'mon,

Sam: I swear to god, you wanna bet, lay some mojo on, thumbs up our asses, I got it covered, hey, aw man, pissed (mad), what's going on?, go to hell, hey, man, hey, c'mon, man,

F&F: John - our only card, meet up with, hey, pick it up (for me), hey, dude, buttin' heads, I seen; Bobby – you got it (yes), damn; Tessa - freaked, I'm dealing, flipped out; YED - get the hell out

Xtras: oh my god

Quantity – 64

Variety – 2.5

Originality – 5 [full on Swazy'd that mother]

Sam vs Dean – 15/34 or 44

Family & Friends – 2

Xtras – 0

Impress me – 0 [Really kinda banal, noting major happened verbally in this episode. Dean was lively, but not really inventive.]

Total = 117.5

3.1 The Magnificent Seven (Kripke)

Dean: freaky, weirdo, bupkiss, drivin' me crazy, I aint sweatin' it, get this, spiffy, whackjob, stupidx3 (in one sentence), showtime!, sit here with our junk in our hands, send [him] packing, hell warmed over, poor bastards, chick, whatever it takes to get you through the night, goose chase, welch out of it, so help me god, tuff, whatever, sons of bitches, raise hell,

Sam: ah, god; beats me, man, my god, what the hell, good bet, stark raving psycho, bustin' my ass,

F&F: Bobby - (double negative), pack it up, damn it, half-cocked, this joker, son (at Dean),

Xtras: "Hell's Bells", Hell, bastards, damn fools, man, rat's ass, piss poor, damn

Quantity – 47

Variety – 3 [very little repetition, several new words by several characters]

Originality – 15 [whackjob, sit here with our junk in our hands, stark raving psycho]

Sam vs Dean – 8/25 or 32

Family & Friends – 1

Xtras – 2 [more quantity and variety than previously]

Impress me – 0 [ solid performances, but no one really stood out]

Total = 100

4.1 Lazarus Rising (Kripke)

Dean: Preachin' to the choir, dammit, bad mojo, some [one's] bitch boy, badass, hell yes, damn, douche her up, bit it (die), freaky, weirdo, crap, I'm game, bring it, work him over, perky nipples, cut me loose (from Hell), tell you squat, "don't come crawling to me when they show up on your doorstep with vaseline and a firehose", whatever had the juice to, bad mofo, peachy, (serious) as a heart attack, bigtime [knife], get caught with pants down, helluva, "ring the dinner bell" (call up bad guy), get the hell out, I'm not buying (it - belief),

Sam: hell, they booked up here, thank god, what the hell's goin' on, hell,

F&F: Bobby - dead set on it, took off, what in the hell, aint been, sticky question, damn thing (2 x), kid (at Sam), you can't be serious; Pamela - Grumpy (at Sam); ruby: getting pretty slick

Xtras: damn, gotah Hell

Quantity – 47

Variety – 4 [Dean’s range alone here pulls this up from a 3]

Originality – 20 [douche her up ; perky nipples; don't come crawling to me … vaseline and a firehose; Grumpy]

Sam vs Dean – 5/29 or 17

Family & Friends – 2.5 [about avg quantity and variety]

Xtras – 1 [pretty lame]

Impress me – 5 [Dean really lit this episode up – back from the dead and spittin’ words!]

Total = 96.5

5.1 Sympathy for the Devil (Kripke)

Dean: What the hell, keep our heads down, whatever, hey, stupid bastard, asshat, sons of bitches, cram it with walnuts, ugly; two-faced douche, jack squat, you dicks, son of a bitch, hey, bitch blood, yeah, right wavy gravy; thank god, angel condom (vessel), son of a bitch, eat me, big dicks, what the hell, screw him, screw [them], crap (adj), give 'em hell, crap, a snowball's chance, hell, man,

Sam: Jeeze, hey, ass, meatsuit (posessed human), hey,

F&F: Bobby - Romeo (at Sam), ass, kid (at Sam), damn, snot-nosed son of a bitch, kick your friggin' ass, we're boned, nine kinds of crazy, boy x2 (at Dean and at Sam), damn (adj); Chuck - x the crap out of him, oh God; oh crap, sucks ass; Nick (pre-Luci) - man, why the hell; Meg (dark) - pain in the ass; Zachariah - Chucklehead, screwing around

Xtras: holy crap

Quantity – 55

Variety – 4 [nice range from both Dean and F&F]

Originality – 25 [asshat; cram it with walnuts, right wavy gravy, angel condom, nine kinds of crazy]

Sam vs Dean – 5/30 or 17

Family & Friends – 4 [nice quantity and variety, with some originality and group participation as well]

Xtras – 0 [boring really]

Impress me – 15 [Dean, of course, stood out again, but also this was a standout episode for Bobby, and Chuck because like 50% of his total episode lines counted]

Total = 110

6.1 Exile on Main Street (Gamble)

Dean: crap (adj), chicks, dig (like), man, freakin', how the hell, [?] what the hell, c'mon x2, you gotta be kidding me, god knows why, sue me, damn, sons of bitches, stick my neck out, whatever, you bet,

Sam: Hey, crap, go gunnin' for (hunt), that's nasty,

F&F: Bobby - dammit, mi casa es su casa, damn

Xtras: thank god, what the hell, my god, shook loose, helluva, oh my god, you son of a bitch

Quantity – 30

Variety – 2 [softer curses, common, some repetition – generally blah]

Originality – 0 [not an danged thing new]

Sam vs Dean – 4/16 or 25

Family & Friends – 1 [only Bobby and lame showing]

Xtras – 3 [Better quantity than everyone but Dean, decent quality]

Impress me – 0 [for obvious reasons]

Total = 61

7.1 Meet the New Boss (Gamble)

Dean: this is nuts, c'mon x2, ah well; stick your neck out, figure it out, off the deep end, pissed, pray to god, kicked in the daddy pills, scuzzy, piece of…, thingy, hear us out, (X) is our bitch, both of you put your junk away, really?, crap, piehole, out of the cards, hey x2,

Sam: I guess (yes), seriously?, hey, friggin', crap, hey,

F&F: Bobby - diddly, c'mon, kid (Sam), sport (Sam), son of a bitch, Jenga (eureka); Cas - genitals, cannot abide, atone, unpleasant; Crowley - bollocks, jig is up, bend them right over, come on, giraffe (at Sam), mash us like peas; Death - you're joking, shut up; Lucifer - long time no spooning, right on, yank the wool off of your eyes

Xtras: heck, oh my god,

Quantity – 49

Variety – 3 [pulled up by some Dean inventiveness and the variety in F&F]

Originality – 10 [kicked in the daddy pills; long time no spooning ]

Sam vs Dean – 6/20 or 30

Family & Friends – 4 +1 [more than DEAN! And. Of course, Crowley’s imaginativeness, And Cas HAD some!]]

Xtras – 0 [Frickin’ BOring]

Impress me – 0 [Crowley was a near thing, but not really]

Total = 97

8.1 We Need to Talk About Kevin (Carver)

Dean: you son of a bitch, you bastard, keep your nose clean, dammit, my ass, things got hairy towards the end, in the wind, turned tail on, knee deep in god's armpit, bully for you, damn, no signs of douchery, So what? You dropped your peanut butter in her chocolate?; 31 flavors of bottom-dwelling nasties, dental apocalypse (vamp), lookin' for a soul train, hey, wow, come sniffing around, I got bupkiss, sweet mother of god, come again?, wipe the slate clean, bastard, Spanky, by a long shot, jackass, hitting the head, helluva lot, beat a dead horse,

Sam: what the.., frickin', right, I did not have a roadmap (no clue), hey, throw a bitchfit, check this out, dude, it sucks, might suck, what the hell,

F&F: Crowley - Heavens no, sky's the limit, throw me a bone, hullo boys, moose (Sam), last time we danced (met), chop chop (hurry), meatsuit; Benny - what the hell, jackass, hump my soul (carry), howya holdin'up?, keep your nose clean; Kevin - hell, eat me x2, what the hell,

Xtras: dude, bitch, dumbass

Quantity – 62

Variety – 5 [avg to strong performances from ALL involved, even the xtras]

Originality – 25 [knee deep in god's armpit; no signs of douchery; 31 flavors of bottom-dwelling nasties, dental apocalypse; hump my soul]

Sam vs Dean – 11/31 or 35

Family & Friends – 4 [good quantity variety and strength.]

Xtras – 1 [pretty basic]

Impress me – 10 [Dean, absolutely on this one; & Kevin – for eat me x2 said with absolute conviction]

Total = 142

9.1 I Think I’m Gonna Like It Here (Carver)

Dean: whatever the hell, pissed at, we'll work it out, man, screw it, with ears on (listening), jimmied ourselves out, man, all due respect, don't be a pouter (speak up), son of a bitch, what the hell, hey, pissed, what the hell, dammit, whoa, give a damn, bite me, what the hell, you kidding me?, no way in hell, what the hell, dammit, dudn't mean squat, hell, hell no, angelic pacemaker, whoa, handsy, hell,

Sam: seriously? friggin' crapfest, shuttup (no/negative), the thing is, I bet you get off on this, what the hell, crap, we got work to do

F&F: Bobby - hell yes, you didn't do jack, suck as that may, idjits, basackwards crazy, son (Sam) x2; Cas – devote; Death - not my bag;

Xtras: what the hell x2

Quantity – 51

Variety – 3 [lotta repetitive hell in this one, most not terribly strong, either]

Originality – 15 [angelic pacemaker; friggin' crapfest; suck as that may]

Sam vs Dean – 9/31 or 29

Family & Friends – 3 [on the strength of Bobby alone, really]

Xtras – 0 [dull, dull, dull]

Impress me – 5 [Bobby (or Sam, however you want to think about it) for a dead guy with a small part, he was pretty verbally lively]

Total = 106

10.1 Black (Carver)

Dean: oops, bitch, douche, you sold me out, you all suck, two-bit skank, sure as hell, knock yourself out, whatever jam he's in, damn sure,

Sam: you got it (yes), get this, jumped the gun, kick his butt, son of a bitch, meatsuit, what the hell, look buddy, turn tail, army recruiting ad that spit you out

F&F: Cas - I'm sensing awkardness, like a million dollars, put up much of a fight?; Crowley - you're budgin' it, moose x3, what's eating you up, out of your depth, what tickles me, what makes you lose your chickens, good luck with that, demon chum, does the tin man have a sheet metal willie?, fetid petri dish of broken dreams and beer, out with the club circuit and in with the stadium tour, my bad, midwifing you back to life; Cole - chicken wing (arm in sling), ass over teakettle, hurt like son of a bitch, I'm karma,

Xtras: eat me, jackass, douche, code brown moment, your funeral, screwed up

Quantity – 58

Variety – 4.5 [only because I’d like to see the variety more balanced among characters]

Originality – 25 [army recruiting ad that spit you out; what makes you lose your chickens; does the tin man have a sheet metal willie?; fetid petri dish of broken dreams and beer, code brown moment]

Sam vs Dean – 10/10 or 100

Family & Friends – 5+1 [Crowley, oh dear lord, was masterful, plus Cole was fun too. And Cas HAD some!]

Xtras – 4 [the Gas and Sip counter guy Rocked]

Impress me – 15 [Crowley OMG; the Gas and Sip counter guy xtra OMG, Sam – for EQUALING Demon!Dean in verbal skills this episode]

Total = 212.5

11.1 Out of the Darkness and into the Fire (Carver)

Dean: What the hell, easy buddy, stay cool, heyx3, is this like a Magic Mike moment?, whoa, take it easy, everybody goes '28 days later'?, hell, like a sunnofa bitch, dudn't it, sumpin' straight, untenable, bite us in the ass, horse sense, we broke it we bought it, where the hell, defcon screwed, shove x up his ass, hell yes, farting sawdust, frickin', no way, c'mon x2, godspeed (good luck), screwy, kick her ass,

Sam: seriously? we know jack, you were on a roll, these things have a shelf life, hey, our crap, only half of the bumper sticker, hey, sons of bitches

F&F: Cas – transgressions; Crowley - you excrement, old school it is, daddy's home;

Xtras: freaking out

Quantity – 43

Variety – 4 [actually quite a creative episode, verbally, with little repetition and not a lot of boring exclamations]

Originality – 30 [is this like a Magic Mike moment; everybody goes '28 days later'; untenable; defcon screwed ; farting sawdust ; only half of the bumper sticker]

Sam vs Dean – 9/29 or 31

Family & Friends – 1+1 [Because Cas]

Xtras – 0 [I mean, really]

Impress me – 5 [Dean kicked it for me this episode]

Total = 115

12.1 Keep Calm and Carry On (Dabb)

Dean: flat on his ass, be pissed (mad), c'mon, new duds, whoa x7, hell yeah, what’s his face, bitch, (freak),

Sam: screw you, accent in a pantsuit, screw you, Screw.You., go to hell, screw you

F&F: Mary - come again?, sweetheart,

Xtras: Holy Mother…, hold up (wait), no way, were a bitch, chick, psycho, fricking, (demons): busted bitch, dude, gross, posh spice ass

Quantity – 24

Variety – 3 [and not a 2 purely due to the xtras]

Originality – 10 [accent in a pantsuit, posh spice ass]

Sam vs Dean – 6/15 or 40

Family & Friends – 1 [and not a 0 only because the way Mary says sweetheart to Baby melts me]

Xtras – 4 [good solid showing here]

Impress me – 10 [Sam – because, well Duh, Screw. You. And the xtras]

Total = 92

Conclusions:

In general, it looks like writers wanted to keep to at LEAST above 100 on the “@Durenjtmusings Verbal Inventiveness Rubric” for decent verbal variety in a script. Both Carver and Kripke were pretty good at this. Dabb should take note.

Ranking of episodes:

Worst - 6.1 Gamble – 61 (note that both Gamble’s scores were low – not judging, just holding it up for ridicule)

12.1 Dabb - 92

4.1 Kripke - 96.5

7.1 Gamble - 97

3.1 Kripke - 100

9.1 Carver - 106

5.1 Kripke - 110

11.1 Carver - 115

2.1 Kripke - 117.5

8.1 Carver & 1.1 Kripke – 142 (Both good showings, although I like 8.1 better, personally.)

Best - 10.1 Carver - 212.5 (Aaaaannd, Crowley wins this episode the trophy – who is surprised? Plus someone hire that Gas and Sip counter guy - comedy timing gold. Also, of note, Demon!Dean talked less, and less creatively - letting his sneering and violence say everything for him, evidently. Because of this, however, Sam EQUALLED Dean for verbal inventiveness this episode, for perfect brother balance. Yea for the Mark.)

Bonus: Results Presented Chronologically – in case you care:

1.1 Kripke - 142

2.1 Kripke - 117.5

3.1 Kripke - 100

4.1 Kripke - 96.5

5.1 Kripke - 110

6.1 Gamble - 61

7.1 Gamble - 97

8.1 Carver - 142

9.1 Carver - 106

10.1 Carver - 212.5

11.1 Carver - 115

12.1 Dabb - 92

Final Thoughts: I have begun to note a number of fun cross-episode meta things – like Sam tends to echo expletives that someone else has already said in an episode, Angels are REALLY boring verbally except for Zachariah, and Dean is way more verbally creative when he’s just come back from exile (hell, purgatory, etc.) – but I’m holding on to this until I have more data on the 250+ episodes I have left to analyze.

Extra Credit for the Obsessed Experts: Go back over JUST Dean’s collected words and see how much of the episode you can visualize from his verbal creativeness alone.

Also - this was fun and I am clearly a compulsive academic…someone please stop me before it is too late.

#the great meta scavenger hunt #spn meta #writing character voice #I am a compulsive academic #cracked SPN research #the eekp database

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dietsauthority · 5 years

Text

Build a Badass Body! Tune your Workouts into the Highest Fat Burning Gear in 2016!

Physical weakness offers us unstable self-confidence. When you defeat on your own up over dropping weight or, time after time helplessly chat yourself into stopping the wicked foods you love, you are not actually doing on your own any kind of favors to really feel happier or much healthier. You are most likely to really feel denied and miserable.

Start the year with the resolution to obtain stronger in both mind and body. Just how? Most importantly put some preparation right into your workouts and also commit to top quality over amount. Utter cluelessness regarding your exercise routine leads to reluctant dilly dallying around the health club that is hardly going to transform into obvious progress.

Remove hesitation out of the equation as well as replace it with focused strength and you could get a significant after melt from even 15 mins a day!

Metabolic conditioning is the heart of effective workout programs such as P90X, Craziness as well as CrossFit that have actually produced several tore bodies around the world. If they appear much also difficult or intimidating to be within your capability's reach, after that there are still less complex ways to scale down the very same principle to your private capacity.

You just need to start with the mental shift to take your focus OFF the scale as well as inch tape for a while to transform your attention to boosting your efficiency numbers. Those are the numbers that count and also will turn you right into a total badass if you only get the time to place in the effort. Absolutely nothing matches the splendor of excellent old fashioned hard work!

The abuse of alternating weight training with cardio intervals

Amidst the weight loss stressed fitness center crowd, nobody wants to place in the moment to develop some significant stamina. The little strength training that such people do is frequently negated by reverting to the closest cross-trainer or treadmill for longer compared to exactly what could be identified as a period. It could get some results in the start yet is not lasting over time. Either you are setting on your own for a burn out if you are going for it or just throwing away time if the effort is half-hearted.

What you need? Limits established by numbers

Cut complication totally by limiting your workouts to a period or target reps. When you plainly understand your goals, you remove deceptions about viewed effort.

The complying with are 3 training strategies that require old college try in restricted time as well as are worth cycling in a workout plan.

Fat Loss Four (FL4) training design

The title sounds expensive however it is a very flexible layout to obtain a full body exercise inside or outside the fitness center and also a favorite of numerous star trainers. Do not hesitate to include resistance or limitation to easy bodyweight steps according to your capacity. A typical design includes four workout circuit carried out in fast succession. The option criteria and period of each move need to be as follows.

Any top body workout x 30 secs complied with by 15 seconds of rest

( Example: Push-ups, Shoulder Press, Bench Press, Weights rows)

Any lower body exercise x 30 secs adhered to by 15 secs of rest

( Example: Air squat, weights squat, goblet squat, deadlift, lunges, leg press)

Any core/ torso strengthening workout x 30 secs complied with by 15 seconds of rest

( Instance: Plank to raise, Renegade rows, Swiss round knee tucks, mountain climbers)

Cardio burst x 90 seconds

( Instance: Jump rope, leaping jacks, high knees, sprints)

Rest for one minute and also repeat two even more times.

Amrap vs Afap (As lots of representatives/ rounds as you can VS As quickly as feasible)

Amrap is a term made popular by CrossFit that took good antique circuit training to a whole new degree of strength. If it takes you 40 minutes to finish 3 rounds of a common circuit at your fitness center, then following time go for 4, 5, 6, 7 or more by going as fast as possible through all the movements while keeping good form. This means no 5 minute rests between or spare time for laid-back chit chat. Minimize the resistance if you need to, considering that the emphasis is on BOTH taxing your muscles as well as getting your heart price up.

Sample Workout: CrossFit 15 minute Amrap ladder of a 3 exercise circuit

The repetition of the following 3 workouts increases by 2 with every round. For instance, carry out 2 repeatings of each in very first round, 4 of each in 2nd round, 6 in the 3rd round and also so on.

Goblet Squat

Sit ups

Burpees

Perform as 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16... until the timer ringings at 15 minutes. The overall variety of repeatings of all the workouts combined is your final score. Objective to beat that at every attempt!

Also, once in a while, make use of the criteria of Afap (As fast as possible) to strike objectives like 50/100 consecutive squats, pushups, bring up, burpees or similar body weight relocates commonly used to measure fitness. They will function as a standard for your muscle endurance as well as let you know if your health and fitness capabilities are enhancing as you experience delay in fatigue, even if the scale refused to budge.

Tabata training

Metabolic increases can not obtain any kind of shorter. Inning accordance with the Japanese doctor that created them, including Tabata design circuits in everyday exercise regimen for 6 weeks enhanced both cardio and also anaerobic levels by 28% as compared to individuals that restricted themselves to activities of moderate intensity.

Pick one exercise or a pair as well as do them continuously for 20 seconds of job followed by ten seconds of remainder till your timer hums at the four min mark. Choose as lots of representatives as you can (amrap) during each 20 second interval.

Tabatas offer as remarkable finishers for single body component training at the gym. You could perform four minutes of push-ups at the end of a chest workout or 4 mins (x20 seconds of work - 10 secs rest) of air crouches at the end of a heavy leg day.

Even as a substitute exercise, tabatas are terrific for a fast calorie burning thrust when you have absolutely nothing however your own bodyweight or a set of dumbbells at house. About.com provides a sample exercise clarifying how you can match prominent stamina training exercises utilizing the tabata style to obtain a full body fat torching workout.

Use either or all the above strategies to ensure a leaner and stronger self in 2016!

#body weight #diet #diets that work #fat loss #high fiber diet #lemonade diet #low glycemic diet #low sodium diet #scarsdale diet #soup diet #Weight Loss

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thiswillbereportedtomanagement · 5 years

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Everyone, at every fitness level, can use a kettlebell. Yup, even you. And your mom. She’s cool. When used properly, this funky piece of equipment can help you build muscle, burn fat, and feel like a badass. Those are three great things in my book! So you don’t have to be afraid of this cannonball with a handle. It’s not an actually explosive. However, I can understand if you feel intimidated by a kettlebell. It’s awkward and if you don’t know how to use one, you’re just going to use it as a doorstop. So fear not! Team Nerd Fitness has designed a kettlebell workout specifically for beginners that you can do TODAY. The routine will help build muscle and burn fat, two key components of any exercise program. We’ll also make sure you know how to handle a kettlebell safely and effectively. If you couple this with a solid nutrition plan (don’t worry, I got you covered here too), you’ll have a great strategy for many different fitness goals. So let’s rap about the following: What kettlebell workout you should start with. Why kettlebells are great. Mistakes with the kettlebell we want to make sure you avoid. If you want to purchase one, what kettlebell you should get. Let’s go! Once you watch the video below, feel free to download our Beginner Kettlebell Worksheet that you can print out and use when you do your next workout! You can get yours free when you sign up in the box below: Grab Your Beginner Kettlebell Routine Worksheet! Complete this workout at home or gym with 1 kettlebell. Avoid the common mistakes everybody makes when doing kettlebell exercises. Build strength, burn fat, level up your life! The 20 Minute Beginner Kettlebell Workout Our Beginner Kettlebell Workout is what’s called a circuit (you can learn all about circuit training here) That’s just a fancy term for doing a workout like so: 1 set of exercise A, go immediately to 1 set of exercise B, go immediately to 1 set of exercise C Repeat from the top! Your long term goal should be to do 3 full circuits back to back for a complete workout. Four if you’re in Berserker mode. If you can only go through it once or twice, that’s A-OK. And if you need to take a break at any time between sets or after a circuit, do it! You do you. Prior to jumping into the kettlebell circuit, don’t forget to do some mobility warm up (you can see our warm-up routine here). Nothing too crazy, just something to “grease the groove” and get your body used to movement so you don’t pull any muscles once you start swinging the kettlebell. In other words, preparing your muscles and joints to move some weight around! Five minutes of running in place, air punches and kicks, some jumping jacks and arm swings, should get your heart rate up and your muscles warmed. Then you’re ready for the Beginner Kettlebell Workout! VIDEO Once you’ve watched the video, here’s a quick recap with repetitions for the workout here: COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING CIRCUIT 3 TIMES: 8 Halos (each side) 10 Goblet Squats 8 Overhead Presses (each side) 15 Kettlebell Swings 8 Bent Over Rows (each side) 6 Front Rack Reverse Lunge (per side) You can do all of the above with one single kettlebell, from anywhere. Some things to keep in mind during the routine. With your halos, remember to keep the movement smooth. You don’t want to accidentally slam your head with the bell. For the goblet squat, focus on depth. It’s more important to practice doing a full squat than to pump out reps. If you can’t make 10, don’t stress it. Do what you can. When doing the overhead press, get tight. Tightening your muscles will engage your core, offering a fuller body workout. During the kettlebell swing, focus on hinging your hips. The swing is like a deadlift movement, so you should feel it in your hamstring and glutes. Try to keep your back straight and stomach tight during the row. This will help engage your legs for stabilization as you pull the kettlebell towards your stomach. For the lunges, again keep your back straight. By keeping your shoulders back, you’ll get a fuller body workout when you come in and out of your lunge. When you’re done, do some light stretching to cool down. A couple yoga poses would suffice. Make sure you drink water too. Feel free to go through this routine at least once a week, and up to 2-3 times a week, with a day off between. Remember, you don’t build muscle when you’re exercising, you build muscle when you’re resting. Your muscles are broken down when you strength train, and then they rebuild themselves stronger over the following days of recovery! If you just can’t sit still, feel free to do some fun exercises, go for a walk, or do one of the following. If you read all of the above and you’re intimidated or overwhelmed, I totally get it. I personally know how scary it can be to embark on a strength training program, especially when you don’t know if you’re doing it correctly. My first time lifting weights was a nightmare. The results are worth it though, I promise. Want help on this journey? We got you! We have an online coaching program if you still feel apprehensive about lifting weights, or worried about your proper form on these movements. Matt S from the video above is part of the Nerd Fitness Team that offers private 1-on-1 coaching to help you get in shape. Whatever your goals are, we will build a program that’s specific to your hectic life! If you want to learn more, click on the big button below to schedule a free call with our team to learn more and see if we’re a good fit for each other! In case you’re still on the fence about grabbing a kettlebell, let’s dig into them a little bit more [1]. Which Kettlebell Should I Buy? What are the best Kettlebell Brands? So you want to buy a kettlebell, eh? They come in all sorts of materials, in all sorts of shapes, and in all sorts of sizes. Which one you pick will come down to personal preference, your budget, and your experience with kettlebells. Let’s contemplate the following: Standard vs.Competition. A standard traditional kettlebell will be cast iron, and as the weight goes up, the dimensions go up. For example, a 16kg (35 lb.) bell will be larger than a 6kg (15lb) bell. This isn’t true for competitive kettlebells. No matter their weight, competitive kettlebells will have the same dimensions for bell shape, base, and handle width. So the 16kg will look just like the 6kg. This can be helpful to make sure you are consistent with technique. Weight. In general, pick a weight that allows you to complete a workout with good form. When in doubt, start with a lighter weight, as you can always increase the weight/size later. If you’re forcing me to pick one for you, knowing NOTHING about you, I’d say consider purchasing a 16kg if you’re a male or 8kg if you’re a female. Now, this isn’t an exact science, and we are all unique snowflakes. If you think you’re stronger than average, go heavier. Not quite there? Go lighter. Ballistic vs. Grind. You’ll often hear the terms ballistic and grinding in kettlebell workout discussions, for fast and slow movements respectively. Ballistic movements would be quick, like the kettlebell swing. Grinding movements would be slow, like the overhead press. For ballistic movements, you might actually want a heavier kettlebell, to help with momentum. For grinding movements, less weight might be in order to help with control. For now, if you are just starting out, go ahead and stick to one kettlebell. Branch out as you advance in experience. Handle. This is where quality comes into play. You’ll be doing many, many repetitions with your kettlebell. If the handle has rough edges, you’ll feel each and everyone of the movements scrap into your hand. Ouch. Not fun. Quality matters when it comes to handles. So we’ll chat about ideal brands in a moment. I’ll end our discussion on handles by saying they are generally standardized at 35mm for thickness. Use this as your baseline for differences when comparing bell grips. Okay, let’s talk about brands: Cap Barbell. This would be an ideal first kettlebell. Not too expensive and decent quality, Cap Barbell kettlebells can be found on Amazon or at any Walmart. The Cap Barbell is the most highly reviewed and reasonably priced kettlebell we have encountered. Do you have any experience with one? Let us know in the comments if you like it! Kettlebell Kings. You see Kettlebell Kings ranked as some of the best bells out there. Not a bad price for the quality. Plus, they offer free shipping in the US, which is nice since you’re essentially mailing a cannonball. Dragon Door. Some call Dragon Door the gold standard of anything and everything “kettlebell.” I wouldn’t disagree, but expect to pay for it. Onnit. Onnit rocks, and they offer good quality bells that are quite popular. And… they sell a Darth Vader one. I know, I should have started with that. OUR ADVICE: Before you go buy an expensive kettlebell, check your gym! I bet it has kettlebells, and you can try out different brands/sizes/weights/styles to see which one you like the best. Afraid of going to the gym? I got you. Don’t care about buying your bell new? Check out Craigslist or a used sporting goods store like Play it Again Sports for a previously owned kettlebell from a person who no longer needs it. A used kettlebell is still a kettlebell. Crafty? Build your own! Here’s a video on how to make a kettlebell: VIDEO If you make your own kettlebell (be careful – you don’t want it breaking mid swing!), please email me. I would be so pumped! How to Lose Weight with A Kettlebell Workout Program If you’re trying to get fit, a kettlebell and the workout routine above would be a great part of the plan! The other part of the plan should be your nutrition. As we lay out in our Coaching Program and our online Nerd Fitness Academy, we believe that proper nutrition is 80-90% of the equation for weight loss. No joke. It’s by far the biggest factor for success. So will you lose weight training with kettlebells? Maybe. If you fix your diet AND begin to incorporate our kettlebell routine a few times per week, you’ll will find yourself building muscle, losing fat, and getting stronger! So how do you fix your diet? Great question. Whether you choose to follow a Keto Diet, Paleo Diet, Mediterranean Diet, or something like Intermittent Fasting, the best path will be up to your goals, your situation, and your habits. Here are some basic tips though (as we cover in our Beginner’s Guide to Healthy Eating): If your goal is weight loss, you have to eat less than you burn each day. This can be through eating less and burning more (from the kettlebell workout above) Processed foods and junk food makes it really tough to lose weight: They have lots of calories and carbs, low nutritional value, don’t fill you up, and cause you to overeat. Vegetables are your friend. If you don’t like veggies, here’s our advice on how to fix that. Liquid calories are making you fat. Soda, juice, sports drinks: they’re all pretty much high calorie sugar water with minimal nutritional value. Get your caffeine from black coffee or tea, fizzy-drink fix from sparking water. Not losing weight? Track your calories and work on consuming slightly less each day. Eat more protein! Protein helps rebuild muscle, and can help you stay under your calorie limit because it’s satiating and filling. If you’re not quite sure how to eat correctly, we created a created a free 10-level nutrition blueprint that helps you build better food habits. You can download yours free by clicking in the box below: Download our free weight loss guideTHE NERD FITNESS DIET: 10 Levels to Change Your Life Follow our 10-level nutrition system at your own pace What you need to know about weight loss and healthy eating 3 Simple rules we follow every day to stay on target Do Your First Kettlebell Workout TODAY Like most things in life, the important aspect of any exercise regimen is starting it. No matter what strength training program you choose, start TODAY. You don’t need to get strong before you can play with a kettlebell. You can play with a kettlebell to get stronger! Here’s that Beginner Kettlebell Workout one more time to recap: 8 Halos (each side) 10 Goblet Squats 8 Overhead Presses (each side) 15 Kettlebell Swings 8 Bent Over Rows (each side) 6 Front Rack Reverse Lunge (per side) I’d love for you to start with your new strength training today, and let us know how things go with your kettlebell! If you want help through any part of the fitness spectrum, I’ll remind you of the Nerd Fitness 1-on-1 Online Coaching program. Our coaches can work with you to pick up a kettlebell for the first time or to learn more advance moves. Whether you are brand new to your fitness journey, or ready to take it to the next level, we have your back! If you want to go another route, like strictly bodyweight workouts, that’s great too. It’ll help a lot. Just start moving! -Steve PS. Don’t forget to download our Beginner Kettlebell Worksheet – and let us know what you think of it! Grab Your Beginner Kettlebell Routine Worksheet! Complete this workout at home or gym with 1 kettlebell. Avoid the common mistakes everybody makes when doing kettlebell exercises. Build strength, burn fat, level up your life! *All photo sources can be found in this footnote right here[2]

https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/the-20-minute-beginner-kettlebell-workout-build-muscle-and-burn-fat/

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lindafrancois · 5 years

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The 20 Minute Beginner Kettlebell Workout: Build Muscle and Burn Fat

Everyone, at every fitness level, can use a kettlebell.

Yup, even you. And your mom. She’s cool.

When used properly, this funky piece of equipment can help you build muscle, burn fat, and feel like a badass.

Those are three great things in my book!

So you don’t have to be afraid of this cannonball with a handle. It’s not an actually explosive.

However, I can understand if you feel intimidated by a kettlebell. It’s awkward and if you don’t know how to use one, you’re just going to use it as a doorstop.

So fear not!

Team Nerd Fitness has designed a kettlebell workout specifically for beginners that you can do TODAY.

The routine will help build muscle and burn fat, two key components of any exercise program. We’ll also make sure you know how to handle a kettlebell safely and effectively. If you couple this with a solid nutrition plan (don’t worry, I got you covered here too), you’ll have a great strategy for many different fitness goals.

So let’s rap about the following:

What kettlebell workout you should start with.

Why kettlebells are great.

Mistakes with the kettlebell we want to make sure you avoid.

If you want to purchase one, what kettlebell you should get.

Let’s go! Once you watch the video below, feel free to download our Beginner Kettlebell Worksheet that you can print out and use when you do your next workout! You can get yours free when you sign up in the box below:

Grab Your Beginner Kettlebell Routine Worksheet!

Complete this workout at home or gym with 1 kettlebell.

Avoid the common mistakes everybody makes when doing kettlebell exercises.

Build strength, burn fat, level up your life!

I identify as a:

Woman

Man

The 20 Minute Beginner Kettlebell Workout

Our Beginner Kettlebell Workout is what’s called a circuit (you can learn all about circuit training here)

That’s just a fancy term for doing a workout like so:

1 set of exercise A, go immediately to

1 set of exercise B, go immediately to

1 set of exercise C

Repeat from the top!

Your long term goal should be to do 3 full circuits back to back for a complete workout. Four if you’re in Berserker mode. If you can only go through it once or twice, that’s A-OK.

And if you need to take a break at any time between sets or after a circuit, do it! You do you.

Prior to jumping into the kettlebell circuit, don’t forget to do some mobility warm up (you can see our warm-up routine here).

Nothing too crazy, just something to “grease the groove” and get your body used to movement so you don’t pull any muscles once you start swinging the kettlebell. In other words, preparing your muscles and joints to move some weight around! Five minutes of running in place, air punches and kicks, some jumping jacks and arm swings, should get your heart rate up and your muscles warmed.

Then you’re ready for the Beginner Kettlebell Workout!

youtube

Once you’ve watched the video, here’s a quick recap with repetitions for the workout here:

COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING CIRCUIT 3 TIMES:

8 Halos (each side)

10 Goblet Squats

8 Overhead Presses (each side)

15 Kettlebell Swings

8 Bent Over Rows (each side)

6 Front Rack Reverse Lunge (per side)

You can do all of the above with one single kettlebell, from anywhere. Some things to keep in mind during the routine.

With your halos, remember to keep the movement smooth. You don’t want to accidentally slam your head with the bell.

For the goblet squat, focus on depth. It’s more important to practice doing a full squat than to pump out reps. If you can’t make 10, don’t stress it. Do what you can.

When doing the overhead press, get tight. Tightening your muscles will engage your core, offering a fuller body workout.

During the kettlebell swing, focus on hinging your hips. The swing is like a deadlift movement, so you should feel it in your hamstring and glutes.

Try to keep your back straight and stomach tight during the row. This will help engage your legs for stabilization as you pull the kettlebell towards your stomach.

For the lunges, again keep your back straight. By keeping your shoulders back, you’ll get a fuller body workout when you come in and out of your lunge.

When you’re done, do some light stretching to cool down. A couple yoga poses would suffice. Make sure you drink water too.

Feel free to go through this routine at least once a week, and up to 2-3 times a week, with a day off between. Remember, you don’t build muscle when you’re exercising, you build muscle when you’re resting. Your muscles are broken down when you strength train, and then they rebuild themselves stronger over the following days of recovery! If you just can’t sit still, feel free to do some fun exercises, go for a walk, or do one of the following.

If you read all of the above and you’re intimidated or overwhelmed, I totally get it.

I personally know how scary it can be to embark on a strength training program, especially when you don’t know if you’re doing it correctly. My first time lifting weights was a nightmare.

The results are worth it though, I promise.

Want help on this journey? We got you! We have an online coaching program if you still feel apprehensive about lifting weights, or worried about your proper form on these movements. Matt S from the video above is part of the Nerd Fitness Team that offers private 1-on-1 coaching to help you get in shape. Whatever your goals are, we will build a program that’s specific to your hectic life!

If you want to learn more, click on the big button below to schedule a free call with our team to learn more and see if we’re a good fit for each other!

In case you’re still on the fence about grabbing a kettlebell, let’s dig into them a little bit more [1].

Which Kettlebell Should I Buy? What are the best Kettlebell Brands?

So you want to buy a kettlebell, eh?

They come in all sorts of materials, in all sorts of shapes, and in all sorts of sizes. Which one you pick will come down to personal preference, your budget, and your experience with kettlebells.

Let’s contemplate the following:

Standard vs.Competition. A standard traditional kettlebell will be cast iron, and as the weight goes up, the dimensions go up. For example, a 16kg (35 lb.) bell will be larger than a 6kg (15lb) bell. This isn’t true for competitive kettlebells. No matter their weight, competitive kettlebells will have the same dimensions for bell shape, base, and handle width. So the 16kg will look just like the 6kg. This can be helpful to make sure you are consistent with technique.

Weight. In general, pick a weight that allows you to complete a workout with good form. When in doubt, start with a lighter weight, as you can always increase the weight/size later. If you’re forcing me to pick one for you, knowing NOTHING about you, I’d say consider purchasing a 16kg if you’re a male or 8kg if you’re a female. Now, this isn’t an exact science, and we are all unique snowflakes. If you think you’re stronger than average, go heavier. Not quite there? Go lighter.

Ballistic vs. Grind. You’ll often hear the terms ballistic and grinding in kettlebell workout discussions, for fast and slow movements respectively. Ballistic movements would be quick, like the kettlebell swing. Grinding movements would be slow, like the overhead press. For ballistic movements, you might actually want a heavier kettlebell, to help with momentum. For grinding movements, less weight might be in order to help with control. For now, if you are just starting out, go ahead and stick to one kettlebell. Branch out as you advance in experience.

Handle. This is where quality comes into play. You’ll be doing many, many repetitions with your kettlebell. If the handle has rough edges, you’ll feel each and everyone of the movements scrap into your hand. Ouch. Not fun. Quality matters when it comes to handles. So we’ll chat about ideal brands in a moment. I’ll end our discussion on handles by saying they are generally standardized at 35mm for thickness. Use this as your baseline for differences when comparing bell grips.

Okay, let’s talk about brands:

Cap Barbell. This would be an ideal first kettlebell. Not too expensive and decent quality, Cap Barbell kettlebells can be found on Amazon or at any Walmart. The Cap Barbell is the most highly reviewed and reasonably priced kettlebell we have encountered. Do you have any experience with one? Let us know in the comments if you like it!

Kettlebell Kings. You see Kettlebell Kings ranked as some of the best bells out there. Not a bad price for the quality. Plus, they offer free shipping in the US, which is nice since you’re essentially mailing a cannonball.

Dragon Door. Some call Dragon Door the gold standard of anything and everything “kettlebell.” I wouldn’t disagree, but expect to pay for it.

Onnit. Onnit rocks, and they offer good quality bells that are quite popular. And… they sell a Darth Vader one. I know, I should have started with that.

OUR ADVICE: Before you go buy an expensive kettlebell, check your gym! I bet it has kettlebells, and you can try out different brands/sizes/weights/styles to see which one you like the best.

Afraid of going to the gym? I got you.

Don’t care about buying your bell new? Check out Craigslist or a used sporting goods store like Play it Again Sports for a previously owned kettlebell from a person who no longer needs it. A used kettlebell is still a kettlebell.

Crafty? Build your own! Here’s a video on how to make a kettlebell:

youtube

If you make your own kettlebell (be careful – you don’t want it breaking mid swing!), please email me. I would be so pumped!

How to Lose Weight with A Kettlebell Workout Program

If you’re trying to get fit, a kettlebell and the workout routine above would be a great part of the plan!

The other part of the plan should be your nutrition.

As we lay out in our Coaching Program and our online Nerd Fitness Academy, we believe that proper nutrition is 80-90% of the equation for weight loss.

No joke. It’s by far the biggest factor for success.

So will you lose weight training with kettlebells? Maybe. If you fix your diet AND begin to incorporate our kettlebell routine a few times per week, you’ll will find yourself building muscle, losing fat, and getting stronger!

So how do you fix your diet?

Great question.

Whether you choose to follow a Keto Diet, Paleo Diet, Mediterranean Diet, or something like Intermittent Fasting, the best path will be up to your goals, your situation, and your habits.

Here are some basic tips though (as we cover in our Beginner’s Guide to Healthy Eating):

If your goal is weight loss, you have to eat less than you burn each day. This can be through eating less and burning more (from the kettlebell workout above)

Processed foods and junk food makes it really tough to lose weight: They have lots of calories and carbs, low nutritional value, don’t fill you up, and cause you to overeat.

Vegetables are your friend. If you don’t like veggies, here’s our advice on how to fix that.

Liquid calories are making you fat. Soda, juice, sports drinks: they’re all pretty much high calorie sugar water with minimal nutritional value. Get your caffeine from black coffee or tea, fizzy-drink fix from sparking water.

Not losing weight? Track your calories and work on consuming slightly less each day.

Eat more protein! Protein helps rebuild muscle, and can help you stay under your calorie limit because it’s satiating and filling.

If you’re not quite sure how to eat correctly, we created a created a free 10-level nutrition blueprint that helps you build better food habits. You can download yours free by clicking in the box below:

Download our free weight loss guide

THE NERD FITNESS DIET: 10 Levels to Change Your Life

Follow our 10-level nutrition system at your own pace

What you need to know about weight loss and healthy eating

3 Simple rules we follow every day to stay on target

I identify as a:

Woman

Man

Do Your First Kettlebell Workout TODAY

Like most things in life, the important aspect of any exercise regimen is starting it.

No matter what strength training program you choose, start TODAY. You don’t need to get strong before you can play with a kettlebell. You can play with a kettlebell to get stronger!

Here’s that Beginner Kettlebell Workout one more time to recap:

8 Halos (each side)

10 Goblet Squats

8 Overhead Presses (each side)

15 Kettlebell Swings

8 Bent Over Rows (each side)

6 Front Rack Reverse Lunge (per side)

I’d love for you to start with your new strength training today, and let us know how things go with your kettlebell!

If you want help through any part of the fitness spectrum, I’ll remind you of the Nerd Fitness 1-on-1 Online Coaching program. Our coaches can work with you to pick up a kettlebell for the first time or to learn more advance moves.

Whether you are brand new to your fitness journey, or ready to take it to the next level, we have your back!

If you want to go another route, like strictly bodyweight workouts, that’s great too. It’ll help a lot. Just start moving!

-Steve

PS. Don’t forget to download our Beginner Kettlebell Worksheet – and let us know what you think of it!

Grab Your Beginner Kettlebell Routine Worksheet!

Complete this workout at home or gym with 1 kettlebell.

Avoid the common mistakes everybody makes when doing kettlebell exercises.

Build strength, burn fat, level up your life!

I identify as a:

Woman

Man

*All photo sources can be found in this footnote right here[2]

Footnotes ( returns to text)

I’m aware it’s very difficult to dig into an actual kettlebell

Photo: kettlebell, kettlebell press, kettlebells,kettlebell II, sunset

The 20 Minute Beginner Kettlebell Workout: Build Muscle and Burn Fat published first on https://dietariouspage.tumblr.com/

0 notes

almajonesnjna · 5 years