#ive sold myself on the idea that people don't really want me around that bad

[adjacentheart01]

Thread of twitter date: 08/07/23

Hi, well this might b a little weird, n it's going 2b a little more personal, so this will b quite a long thread about feelings, thoughts n concerns I've been having lately, so it might b hard 2 express myself since Im not used 2 doing things.

well, in fact it is the first time that I do something similar. N since this place has really grown more than I thought, it seems necessary 2b honest show my heart n soul. 4 as long as I can remember Ive been a person who loves 2 create art, when I was a child I really enjoyed making plasticine models of cartoons n even sold them, I used 2b around 9 yo, n I don't want 2b a braggart, but I did very well 4 the how old I was haha nnn that made me want 2 bcome an artist when I was older, although I never really knew what it meant 2b that as job, I was unaware of that world, but I loved seeing creations, paintings, sculptures, etc. Then I stopped modeling in plasticine cuz once I had a order 4 a Puss in boots larger figure hahaha. it would b the 1st time that I would do something of that magnitude n I agreed, n at the risk of being a novice, I delivered the order, n I was aware that the job I did was horribleeee, n the face of the boy who asked me 4 that order also expressed displeasure, but he didn't say anything 2 avoid making me feel bad 4 sure. But having failed someone made me abandon those ideas of bcome an artist Later when I was 14 yo, my best friend liked 2 see people drawing, especially creepypasta fanarts, u know Jeff the killer, Slenderman etc haha, n cuz I love her in secret I tried 2 learn how 2 draw in a traditional way to call her attention, it just wasn't my thing, but I love her so much that I began 2 strive 2 improve, every day I gave her a drawing without fail, n used 2b mostly 2 cheer her up cuz she was going through moments difficult. cuz of this, I gained fame in my class for being the boy who drew, n I adopted this activity as my main hobby, and I began to enjoy doing it a lot, Later, at 16 yo, I created my 1st facebook page, inspired by making fanarts n webcomics like the artists I admired. This is how Adjacent Heart was born 4 the 1st time, I used that name cuz it was the one that randomly gave me microsoft 2 create my minecraft account haha, n I used 2 use the "Shade" alias. That's how I met many friends n entered the "artist" world, time passed n my community grew little by little, I loved all that, although at that time I was going through many difficult things at home, emotionally, n I used 2b a depressed person, I thought about dying many times n attempted against myself many times. My refuge was drawing.

When I was 17 I met a girl with whom I had an relationship, she was even better known than me in this world (n she still is) , I used 2 show her off a lot n gave her looots of drawings, nnn things didn't end well in this relationship.

I ended up even more depressed n due to the embarrassment with which I ended up 4 showing her off so much, I stopped drawing for many years, n I eliminated Adjacent heart, since now drawing reminded me of her n just sad things.

I still had my friends n they continued on this way but I stayed behind, I liked 2 see how they grew n improved more n more, but I was still lost…

At that time I did not know what to do with my future, I didnt know if I should study or work, or at least what Id direct myself to, in my eagerness 2 discover myself I began to take classes in psychology n philosophy in high school, also I attended therapy n my 1st idea was to bcome a psychologist, but I had no idea what that profession really entailed. :( I started picking up my pencil again n drawing some things n remembered the love I had 4 drawing, only this time I didn't show anything I did 2 anyone, then when I was close to 19 yo, I continued with that uncertainty, and I was about 2 finish high school, n there were only 2 weeks left for the college enrollment, n I didn't know which college 2 choose, my uncles were offering me not 2 continue n work as a police officer. among other jobs. My head was about to explode cuz I didn't know what 2 do n I was suffering from strong anxiety attacks, my mind told me that I should choose to study a career, but when I reviewed the careers within the colleges that r close 2 me, none of them really convinced me, they were very limited n I didnt see myself working any of those professions, that's when my psychologist told me 2 think about the things I like 2 do n choose a career based on that. Without thinking about it, drawing came 2 my mind, but I wondered, what job do u really work drawing?

My mind has always been small, n I come from a place where most jobs r just being store clerks or laborers. So I didn't know anything, bfore when I had my 1st facebook page I opened comms but I never had any luck with it n I thought it was a failure, So I researched on the internet "careers where u can draw" and highlighting among many were graphic design or animators, but I didn't know anything about that, n the only thing I had heard about graphic design was the typical phrase "u're going 2 starve"

Then, with great curiosity, I investigated about colleges near me that had similar degrees related to design, n I found one that also teaches animation, but this college, despite being the closest 2 me, forced me 2 leave my town and go to live elsewhere. I still remember how overwhelming it was, since I had never come out bfore, n also when I saw the content that would b taught to me, I realized that I would have 2 learn about computers n at that time I didnt have any kind of knowledge about them, everything I did from my phone, In addition, when I told a friend about it, he told me “if you finish that degree, do u know how to get a job on it? n I just answered "no"

There were only 2 days left until the enrollment, the next day I used it 2 learn how to get 2 that place outside my town, n later that same night I remember that I had one of the biggest crises of my life combined with an anxiety attack, I had to make the decision, go away 2 study that career that interested me, stay 2 study a career without leaving my town, but it would b a career that I wouldnt have any interest in, or work.

I made my decision n I really dont regret it, I left my town, I was out of it n I got away from the people I knew, but I met many new ones outside, I was able 2 find myself n I even remember that in times of the pandemic, I spent a year in complete solitude with my thoughts which helped me to live with myself. At last I knew who I am n I was able 2 get out of my darkness, I felt happy. The school was a bit difficult at the beginning, I really enjoyed drawing n hand painting classes, but I wasnt good with machines, it was hard 4 me 2 get used 2 using a computer n I always fell behind in assignments, but I tried hard n I began 2 master all those design programs, I learned 2 edit video n animate, n not cuz of the school since the educational plan was a little deficient n some teachers were mediocre, so I had 2b self-taught 2 pass the subjects, my knowledge It was enriched n I was even forced 2 learn 3D which I never imagined doing in my life haha.

During the college I even made a new art account again, 2 upload drawings or school content n even my classmates n me added ourselves, but this time I had another alias, since I didnt want 2 remember my old times again n start since 0. Currently that is my SFW account, n it was during this time that my friends started 2 push themselves into the world of commissioning n began to explore NSFW, which I was also very interested in, from both an enjoyment standpoint n an artistic standpoint as well. It just made me very embarrassed 2 talk about it, but now thanks 2 my friends I was able 2 talk about it more openly n no one was judged. That is how, thx 2 them n their support, I was encouraged 2 enter that world in which I was interested, the world of nsfw art, but now getting back 2 that alias that I abandoned a long time ago, Adjacent Heart, with the desire 2 have another identity n not mix that SFW account that all my classmates n even several relatives know about, Only this time I wanted 2 turn Adjacent Heart in something cozy, warm n above all sweet into something that tormented me bfore.

n that's how this candy store was born on june 23, 2022 officially (cuz previously it seems 2 me that I created Adjacent heart but I left it aside n it was not until this date that I got down to work)

So now comes the end of this story, on June 28 of this year I graduated. After 4 years, it has been a long way, n I have returned to my hometown. But now my head is filled with uncertainty again about my future, Those who have read everything up to her will wonder, why? So now comes the end of this story, on June 28 of this year I graduated. After 4 years, it has been a long way, n I have returned to my hometown. But now my head is filled with uncertainty again about my future, Those who have read everything up to her will wonder, why? I have the skills n the requirements, doing so could give me legal benefits, a salary fixed n stability. That would help my family get ahead n possibly help me chart a clearer way 2 my goals, But considering my time as an intern, I wouldnt want 2 b in a company where Im simply seen as a replaceable piece, n furthermore my time is divided between the company and what little free time I'll have, n I wont b able 2 dedicate time 2 this candy shop :c

On the other hand, I can choose the way of being able to develop my skills as an independent NSFW designer/artist here, in my candy store. This year I have been able 2 forge a base where I can start from now n I feel very happy n at ease ^^, n I really love that as a freelancer I can have control of many things, like my time, my ideas, I interact with u n I can have a presence, something that in a company I couldnt do since I'll b under the name of this one, n here in my candy shop Id like 2 do many thiiings, I have many ideas where Id exploit the knowledge I learned during my time at the college, I could offer brand identity services, animations, 3D, vtuber art, n much more, I have a lot of things that Im excited 2 implement :'3, n so I'll even learn even more along the way n get better n better. Im very excited 2 see that the seed that I sowed a year ago has bcome a sprout now <3

The disadvantage that there is as a freelance is that this way will depend on myself, n I have to see my own legal benefits, taxes, etc. That I could solve by hiring the services of someone to help me with that, but even so, I wont stop being close 2 the process, n this path will depend on my effort, unlike a permanent job here I'll surely start with irregular earnings, the way would b unstable n I'll have a lot of uncertainty, n that terrifies me, Knowing that this way can bcome something stable n safe encourages me to choose it n move on, 2 make it grow. But the uncertainty makes me tremble, thinking about failure like the one from a few years ago, n I dont close myself off doing sfw projects either, n that's my other fear, as an nsfw artist, if I fail or want 2 work on an sfw project within a company or with someone, they'll probably like my skills…

but by the time they find out about my nsfw artworks, they may look at me with displeasure, I may b judged, despised, mocked, belittled or in the worst case rejected. Since in my history they'll see the NSFW as something bad, as a taboo, Something that I dont think so, from my POV I dont see anything wrong with it n I even enjoy it, ofc it can b something private n intimate 4 several people, but it isnt something that should b demonized, sexuality is an important part of many people n each one exercises it as they like, as long as it doesnt harm third parties or oneself with excess, everything is fine c:

But it really bothers me that a lot of people still see doing nsfw as a blemish on ur way, or think that just by doing it they think Im always dirty-minded or something like that, when actually I could say I'm a soft person n there is nothing wrong with make that content, n I understand that in some cases it's necessary 2 separate some people from the adult content. But contempt just 4 doing something I like is my fear,

That's why I don't really like having to hide my identity in adjacent heart's account 2 show my sfw side, cuz I feel like I'm hiding something that's part of me, even though I'm wearing a mask here, it seems like I'm hiding more of myself there, n 4 all n this reason, Im very grateful to those who support my content n continue here, n I say it from the bottom of my heart, thank u very much <3, u have also sweetened my way, n that is why despite my fears, I'll watch over this candy shop.

My heart asks me 2 choose my candy shop, n I want 2, n I will, I have a lot 2 show, but in short I'm afraid of failing, n without realizing it, the dream that I cherished as a child of becoming an artist, which I abandoned long ago, is before me once again

[the-weeping-fox]

you save yourself.

I'll save myself this time around.

i had a feeling id hear from you on my birthday.

i thought id get a call or text though. so not winning big on that bet.

it still shakes me pretty bad.

i wonder if you knew how obsessed I was with you.

i know you have an idea, but i don't think you'll ever really know.

nothing scary. just... an overabundance of love and affection. you were my air. i wanted to breathe you in.

thought I smelled you for a second the other day when I was cleaning out my room.

its hard. I miss my best friend. I miss the love of my life.

heard your sister got engaged. bout time.

i wonder... if things never went sideways with us.. would we be married now? im sure we would've come around.

but i think thats a silly thought.. i think we were always sideways. even in the beginning. fighting and begging you to date me. christ.

hard memories and harder feelings.

lots of things have been happening to me and for me. things I wish you could share in. places I see your shadow.

waiting to schedule therapy till after my move. been processing alone. its hard. even with people who care. im trying to let go of the anger.

im really angry you hurt me. no matter how you slice it, you put me through some really awful things.

I would tell you that I had a theory that as someone got older, they would learn how to feel another Feeling simultaneously. Like, if you were 30, you could potentially feel 30 Feelings at once. Maybe some overlapping, maybe some individual.

I say this, because I feel like this is how my feelings towards you are built. I have this structure of Love and Friendship that we originally built, through fun sex and taking care of each other. But then these other really horrible feelings of Betrayal and Angry due to.. everything that happened.

I just... i was your sweet boy and you lied and hurt me. Ill never understand. I feel like a kicked Kitten. I try and put logic to it, but it just hurts me more.. trying to make sense of it. trying to put your shoes on and see it from your eyes... hurts. i don't know if ill ever understand how you could it and live with yourself.

i had some part in all of it too. i don't want to spend my life as a victim. i put so much love and faith into you. and the one thing I needed... you couldn't do.

i remember you telling me.. that sometimes I needed to just sit down and say, "you'll be okay. I love you. we'll figure it out and be okay." and that's what I needed. i was so lost in my own sadness and anger that I couldn't tell you I needed it.. but that was it. i needed to see your heart again.

anyways. i don't really want to harp on old shit. i do it 24/7 in my own head as it is.

you deleted your tumblr. never ceases to make my heart ache. but you reached out on my birthday. its.. a strange and potentially painful move. you know your number isn't blocked. so there's still a distance you want to keep. I've come to my own conclusion that it was a Bait. I responded on my old Tumblr... but after spending days pouring over the hint of a response.. i realized how gross that was and is.

I hard-loved you. I loved you with a ferocity I have never shared for anyone else. you were my one and only. I wanted to drink you in. I've had a painful time quitting you. I watched our videos... a lot. I wish i had made 1,000 more. I think i gave up trusting you somewhere along the road.

but... dangling that message.. that "but..." was... awful. I dont know if it was an open invitation to contact you or.. what. but it was.. it sucked. I would have rather had a phonecall or text or something. i don't know. I guess tumblr was the only place we could actually communicate, so maybe this was the best avenue.

I miss you. A lot. All this time and silence gives a lot of perspective. I miss your voice. i miss your smell. I miss your body. I miss your snores.

But another point of perspective is that you gave up our life. You sold that house. You got a new place that you wouldn't reveal the address to. You got new friends. You were walking away from me and us for a long time.

I get why. You spent a lot of time as the quiet girlfriend, waiting for me to tell you what I needed. but read that last sentence aloud. I was hurt. I was damaged. I wasn't going to ever be able to tell you what I needed. I needed your heart to call out to me, and it was the one thing you wouldn't do.

I hope Mittens is doing well. I cry when I think about her not being in my life. I hope I get to see her again before.. well. before anything happens to anyone.

Anyways. after I left my response to your Tumblr message... i... stopped checking it. You might have even responded. I won't know though. I probably won't know until our anniversary. I'll be there, by the way. Ill be in the spot where we figured it all out the first time. Probably get lunch and spend the day in that parking lot. I know you're not the emotional type like that, haha. Id be shocked. floored probably. might even hear me actually gasp.

...

I wouldve been a really good quarantine boyfriend. I really wonder what you think of me. what you honestly think. I mean.. it has to mean something that you left a message for me. Maybe you can't get our memories out of your head either. Im sorry if you thought I might have been trying to use you for sex or something near the end there. I wonder if that's how I came off. It wasn't how I meant to. Sex was just.. a really straight forward expression of our love and.. always felt safe and good with you. Ive had a lot of trouble trying to make that connection with anyone else. They aren't you and... i need to figure that out.

Things with Kat never came to fruition. she didnt really liked that i was too fucked up over you, haha. that would probably make your evil little heart jump. You beat Katherine in my mind. Maybe that can put how I feel about you in perspective.

I also wonder about letting you know about this blog? Maybe. Maybe as an anniversary present. But I cant imagine you want anything to do with me anymore. I really tried to salt the Earth when you left. I could feel how addicted I was to you. I had to for my own good. I wasn't strong enough to quit you.

shit. i still don't think I am. I dont even know if ill be able to move on. I dont want to. I miss you. I want to try and use my angry to curve that feeling, but love is stronger than hate. it always wins out.

so I guess I'll just keep pretending that you had my kid in some alternate universe and cry to my new friends about how some blonde girl shattered my heart.

I hope... youre okay. I think i mean that. its hard in here.

#breakup #secret blog #pennyveronica #Spotify