#ive said it so much already but Fuck being alive i hate it so fucking much fuck

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

I'll crawl home to you II

Previous chapter

a/n I welcome you all to the part two. Thank you so much for all the love and reading. 🤍✨

summary: having a fight with someone you care about right before the mission might be the worst idea ever especially when you don't know if you'll make it out alive.

warning: fighting, guns, past trauma, injuries, blood lots of it, mentions of death, needles, IV's, bruised veins, heavy mention of hospitals, death nr.2, choking, nudity, mentions of sexual intoxications this one packs a punch so be weary.

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"Right, what's on your mind?", you muttered, pushing the cigarette closer to Javi, which he happily took into his fingers before dragging in the smoke. Allowing the warmth of it to go down his lungs. Javi was sitting by the tub in his apartment. The tub that he used as a shower at best. He hated baths, hence his naked, sprawled-out form, right beside the bath and not in it. Not behind you. Even if he wanted nothing more than another handful of moments of holding you. But it was enough to just watch you like this for now. More than enough. Well, Javi was convinced that he was still riding the post-orgasmic high.

"Work", he muttered, dropping his head back before puffing a cloud of smoke, "That fucking lead is on my mind". Your eyes scanned him for a moment. Today had been one of those days where, besides the unbearable heat, so much shit went south that the screaming in the office didn't ease till 3 in the afternoon. A new record of everyone being pissed off at one another was achieved.

"And how many fucks does it usually take you till you forget about work?", you asked, leaning your head at the edge of the bathtub. Not caring about covering yourself up. Javi had already seen everything more than once. Although you are being pressed against his bedroom wall, with him deep within you, growling in your ear as he edged you closer to your orgasm now felt ages ago, your skin was already missing the feeling of his fingers.

"One", Javi muttered, and you couldn't help the chuckle that escaped your lips. "Shit, agent, I'm doing that bad of a job?". Just what Javi truly meant was that it took one carelessness. Chaotic fuck with you. For him to come back to his senses. If he was fucking a random whore, his head wouldn't settle at all. And it's not even about the sex here. Fuck that, even if it's good. It's you. The smell of you. The way you trace your fingers down his back while he's still deep inside you, panting as he catches his breath. It's the way Javi can feel your heartbeat beneath him. The way your warm skin is pressed against his own, and he finally feels it Feels what calmness feels like. What it feels like to stop and just be.

Javi splashes his face with cold water, shoving that moment as deep as he possibly could. Not now. Not like this. His hands are still stained pink. Fuck knew the blood didn't budge like that. But then he had never been covered in so much blood before. Your blood. His body stagers again. The hours spent in the hospital had been brutal. Javi's eyes fall on the bandage covering the place where they had punctured a needle only a couple of hours ago. Had it only been that? A couple of hours? Javi runs his hand through his hair.

"Get a doctor in here! Quick!", A pair of nurses rushed out; Javi jumped up, and Steve was right beside him. You had been in that room for no longer than thirty minutes. It was all okay, they said. Under control. This didn't feel like something that was under control. "What is going on?", Javi's voice sounded weak. Gone were the confidence and snarl. No, Javi doesn't remember the last time he felt so many emotions. He did not know that he was capable of them.

"What the fuck? Is. Going. On. ", Javi swiftly yanked a nurse rushing to go back inside by the collar. Steve moved to step in, but at that moment, even he knew that interfering meant finding your head in the wall in the next ten seconds. "She's rapidly losing blood and the hospital…", the woman took a moment to swallow, and Javi quickly shook her, "Our blood supplies are low, sir".

And just like the moment the bullet pierced your skin, Javi's world stopped spinning. Halted. Shutting down all of his senses before he's thrown back into the waiting room once more. No. This can't be the reason you die. Fuck all of it. He'll pay for every drop of blood. He'll get you the blood himself if he had to. Get you… "It's the same…", Javi gripped the nurse's hand even tighter, "Tell them it's the same. Put me in there".

And that whole procedure was a blur. Until you're only a hand's reach away. The machines were clacking all around. The number of wires and tubes sticking out of your body was crippling to the core, and the first time Javi's eye landed on you, he had to fight the bile rising in his throat. Then the shock faded, and the need to protect you rose. To hold you. The machine that Javi too was hooked to started beeping, indicating the rapid increase of his heartbeat. His head jerked up; suddenly he was scared it would disturb you too much. But your eyes don't shoot open, and you weren't grumbling at him for being too noisy, like some mornings.

Javi clenches his jaw. Tears now once again threatened to spill over his cheeks. And they do. But Javi doesn't brush them away. Who cares. No one is here. Just you. He can be venerable in front of you. "You will wake up, right?", he muttered, his hands reaching out to touch your limp fingers. The angle was awkward. And the nurse had strictly informed Javi not to move his hand too much. But fuck that. Fuck rules. Were they getting you both anyway? So Javi laces his fingers through yours, "You will wake up and snarl at me, will you? For being an ass", Javi bites down on his lips, suppressing the sob that is now right there at the peak of his throat, "And yet I won't tell you; I told you so this time. You just woke up, okay?"

Javi rips the bandage off, right as another wave of tears blurs his vision. The vein raptured, and the purple bruise was already forming. But he didn't care; he couldn't bring himself to care. It had been static nothingness after they walked him out of the room. Out and away from you. Javi clenches the sink angrily. The old thing rattles beneath his grip. He should have pushed harder. He should have never walked out because his stupid, manly pride was hurt. And he knows that if you don't… No, Javi chases that thought away. We manifest our thoughts. His pope always said to him growing up, Be careful of what you think, Javier.

"I was a pinch away from blowing his balls right there and then", the back door shuts with a bang as you stride towards Javi, who had been leaning against the wall for the past ten minutes. "Did you pull your gun?", Javi asks casually, as if that were a normal procedure for a Thursday night. "Pulled? It was up his nutsack," Javi snickers. Poor fuck crapped his pants for sure. Now he's almost upset that he didn't stick around to see that.

"What are you smiling for?", you snicker angrily, snatching a lighter from Javi's back pocket. Your left hand is shaking. With a mix of anger and strength, you probably held your gun. Javi takes the lighter back. The last thing he needs is for you to burn your hand now. "You amuse me", he admits when the cigarette finally catches the heat.

"Don't fuck with me, Pena. I might just pull the same stunt on you", you warn him, now feeling the shaking seep into your whole body. No matter how many times you went through the waves of adrenaline. The aftermath was never pretty. Javi pushes his cigarette against the brick wall and says, "Come here", You don't move, but his hand laces behind your neck, bringing your body closer to his chest. You don't fight it.

Letting the warmth of him envelop you. Your free hand clenches his shirt. It's such a small gesture. Simple one too. But it's all that you need. All it takes is for your body to budge, and you're not shaking anymore. It's like Javi just soaked up all of that bubbling within you in seconds: "Next time you pull a gun at any of them, keep me around", and Javi can hear your muffled laugh against his chest. And he's smiling. Truly smiling with you pressed tightly to his chest.

"The nurse said she'd be transferred soon", Javi nearly jumps at the sound of Steve's voice, which snatches him out of his head. Javi lost track of how many times he had told Steve to go home. Everyone did. Everyone left. Not that many stuck around for the hospital run in general. But Steve didn't budge. He was there. He stuck to very few or none of the comforting words. Connie hadn't even managed to drag him home. A part of Javi wanted to shove Steve out the door, but then again, he was glad that he wasn't alone.

"You know what that means?", Steve speaks up again. Pulling the neatly wrapped-up sandwich from behind his back, "I think it's time you eat just how you were instructed to". Javi glares at him before turning his attention back to the door. The door that leads to the room they were keeping you in: How were you doing? Did your body push through the transfer? Had they checked that you were stable? Double checked? Did triple-check?

"Come on, Javi, you don't want her…", Steve tries again. His voice is gentle and soft, and Javi hates it. His hands banged on the plastic chairs, sending a sharp sound down the empty hallway. "Stop fucking talking, Steve", Javi snarls; now his glare is all for his partner. "Shut up…", though the last words didn't sound even half as convincing. And Steve catches the crack. He catches sight of every tiny piece finally falling apart.

So Steve brings Javi closer into an embrace, and Javi is quick to push back instantly. Steve just doesn't let go. He's keeping Javi in a tight grip until the agent stops the fight; his shoulder's sagging and only the uneven breathing gives him away. "She will pull through", Steve states quickly, trying to keep his own emotions at bay. "You want to know why?", Javi only grips the back of Steve's jacket tighter: "Because she would crawl from hell itself for you. Because she loves you and she hasn't told you yet, and we both know our tiny girl is a farce".

And then he's back in your apartment. And he's walking back to you after using the bathroom when his eyes catch a glimpse of the picture. Multiple. But all of them have the same boy in them. Big eyes. Curly hair. And he's so similar to you. It's almost disturbing. Javi had seriously considered that you had a child there and then, and he knows it is noisy, but he snatches one of the frames as he heads back to the living room.

You're sprawled out like a cat on your sofa. Soft music is playing. Dirty dinner plates are still on the table. You're humming under your breath. Fuck, Javi doesn't remember the last time he heard someone hum, and a part of him wanted to keep that moment just like that. A part of him had shouted at him not to say anything, but… "Who's this?", the words slip past his lips, and your head instantly turns towards him. And he should have listened to his gut because the lazy smile fell from your face and you suddenly looked so small. So fragile.

"Michael", you mutter as you step closer to Javi, taking the frame from his hand, fingers skimming over the image frozen in time, "My brother. The only couple pictures I have left". The frown suggests that it's something that still hunts you. That still aches. "You don't see your family much?", Javi asks as if he can judge, as if he flies back home often or even calls. Yeah, no. Javi avoids home like the plague, and then the said home returns the favor. "Nothing to visit", the sad chuckle that follows your words strikes Javi.

"I'm…", he starts, but you had already turned towards him. "Sorry? You pity me. You're surprised I'm still here? Or maybe you're disappointed?". Javi crosses the distance between you and quickly catches both of your elbows. "No…", his words die down, and you're laughing again, just this time your eyes are full of tears. You sure?", you say bitterly before dropping your hands over your face, salty tears still streaming down the side of your face.

"Y/n… carino…", And Javi doesn't remember the last time he called out to someone in such a soft manner. He doesn't remember the last time his own heart dropped to his heels for someone. And you're crying, and Javi can't stand it. Because you shouldn't be, because instantly he wants to make it better. "Hey, come here; you're not alone. Shh…" And equally as much, Javi almost doesn't know how to comfort you because Javi never does that. It's always others who do the comforting, who splatter encouraging words.

"But I am. I'm so alone", The sob that slips past your lips makes Javi close his eyes for a moment because the shared agony of it rips through his own heart. Javi wraps his arms tighter around you, fingers running through your hair as you wrap yourself around his neck. Holding onto him as if your whole world now depends upon him. If Javi chose to move, you would crumble. Crumble beyond repair. "You have me", he mutters, but then the anxiety of commitment kicks in and he finds himself adding, "And Steve, and Connie", he doesn't mention Carillo. At first, he's not sure why his tongue doesn't twist to say it, but does it matter? It would be for selfish reasons one way or another.

"They killed them", you rasp out in between catching your breath. Javi pushes away the strands of hair that are now stuck to your face because of the tears. "Dad fucked up a deal, so they came to butcher them all in front of my eyes", you continue, looking up at Javi with desperation. Did no one believe you when you told them what happened? Did anyone ever listen? "I hid in the closet and then…", another sob slips past your lips. "I just saw him, purple face, big eyes, they choked…", and you crumble, legs bucking beneath you, but Javi is there with you. Bringing you even closer as he sways from side to side. Your nails are digging into his flesh, but he doesn't care. Whatever he can do to ground you and calm you down, Javi is willing to do it. "I've got you, carino", he mutters, pressing his lips to your temple, trying to keep his composure, to keep strong because now you need him. And he'll crawl out of his own grave if he had to, just to make sure that you are okay.

"Sir", the voice that doesn't fit the memory cuts through his head. "Sir", it rings, and Javi snaps his eyes open. An elderly woman is standing in front of him, her hand braced on his shoulder, as she attempts to wake him. "It's past 3 a.m., and the visiting hours are long over", she starts, and Javi is once again filled with rage. Try, he thinks, you just try to walk me out. "They transformed her into room 337; I can let you in. You can rest there", Javi blinks a couple of times, convinced that he had heard it wrong. It's against the hospital rules, and the confusion on his face tells the lady that he's trying to find a catch for this.

"Is your name by any chance Javi?", she asks right as Javi stands up. How does she know? He had said his name when he handed you to the sea of doctors and nurses. They had marked his name for the blood transfer, but he hadn't seen this woman in any of the rooms. "Miss. Y/L/N had called out for Javi a couple of times", and he has to both keep himself up so he doesn't sink to his knees and stop himself from running down the hallway. Are you awake? Have you been fully conscious? Why were you calling for him? Is it because you hate him? Or do you want him to be there?

"She's stable; however, with a blood loss like that, I'm sure she will be out for a couple of days", the lady says, and Javi only nods. He probably looks like a maniac there. He is barely managing to stay still, trying not to overstep as he constantly slows his pace to match the nurses.

She walks straight through the door, but Javi halts. You're a door away. You're there, and he will get to see you. But can he see you? Will he be able to look at you without hating the whole world? And most importantly, himself? Yet he does, and you are in there. Still pale as a sheet of paper, but it's only the wires and IVs that surround you. Someone had neatly brushed your hair, and it's not an absolute tangled mess like it was in the emergency room. No, it almost looks like you're lying in… Javi closes his eyes.

"You can talk to her. She should be able to hear you. It'll calm her anxiety and give her something to hold onto", the woman either doesn't notice that Javi is slowly losing it or is great at hiding it as she checks over the machines before turning back to him. "Just catch some sleep yourself, son", she says softly, patting his shoulder just like she did in the hallway. "The emergency button is here, but her heartbeat is strong and steady. I doubt you'll need to use it", that soothes some of Javi's worries, but there are so many of them that it almost feels like nothing. Javi keeps standing till the nurse slips out the door, and then he reaches for the chair, pulling it closer to your bed.

"Hey", Javi mutters, his fingers carefully brushing over your hand. There are so many needles and things poking you that he's almost hesitant to do so. So scared of hurting you more. Making it worse than it already is. Javi let his eyes settle on your face, then down to your chest, watching it move up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Steady. He brings your knuckles closer to his lips. There's still blood under your nails, but he doesn't care. "I miss you already", Javi admits, waiting for an answer he knows he won't get. He nestles his head on your legs, takes your hand into his, and just hopes.

#javi pena x reader #javier pena x reader #javi pena x you #javier pena x you #javier pena imagine #narcos imagine #narcos x reader #narcos x you #pedro pascal imagine #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal x you

[shadowlinktheshadow]

ok fuck it im finally gonna write down ramble about the similarities between castle in the sky and spirit tracks rhghghrr

case #1: the characters

in my very private and running around inside my mind headcanons, I see a lot of close things between pazu and link

pazu is a sweet boy (maybe even naive) who helps those in need (like every protagonist) hes a very dedicated worker in the mines, and loves machinery

same could be said for link, who never talks in game but shows his shyness and and also sweet nature. (perhaps this is only around zelda,) you could take the fact that he doesnt even want to get up at the beginning of the game to take his exam because he dislikes the job, but this is where my headcanons come in. in short, hes a child genius and a perfectionist and works himself a little too much, and gets really eepy. so yes he loves machines (trains) as well

oh, and they are both orphans. (link is a bit difficult because hes usually always some type of parentless/guardianless child but anyways-)

and even other than personality and hobbies, their looks have similar parts too

of course, theyre not carbon copies of each other (such as colors being different) but the gloves and, especially to me, the cap is the one that sticks out. like. no other zelda game has him wearing a hat like that

(I just realized the gloves r the same color holy shit 💀) ((bruh and the posture lmao💀💀))

now I dont have much to say about sheeta and zeldas similarities (sorry) but they are both royals (well 1 of royal descent)

case #2: character relationships

spirit tracks zelink is what is keeping me alive so heres some similarities

I love love love the "hopeless romantic commoner falls in love with literal princess (she loves him back)" trope. which, pazu and sheetas relationship is a little different, but the vibes are the same

both couples? pairs? are so innocently in love with each other (maybe link shows it more) but just look:

they are so rhghghrhHRHFHFJJ HISS HISS HISS 💜💜💜💜💜😭😭🔥🔥💜

and finally the catching part in the movie

now you may ask "oh totk link caught zelda something something skyward sword falling blah blah blah" (im joking pls dont hate 💀) but this catch is different than those

they arent both falling, bro is already on the ground

you know who else is on the ground?

THIS BITCH

pazu may seem more.. graceful in catching sheeta compared to link, but (according to my dad) the whole joke of link dropping zelda comes from this movie (I havent finished it so idk) but I do know pazu struggles under the weight of sheeta after all the magic stuff goes away 😂

case #3: minor stuff

so I havent watched the entire movie yet, but heres some other things I saw

birds

they r both doves...... interesting....

though different, they also both play an instrument (link plays a panflute and pazu a trumpet)

also the design similarities in the robots and the phantoms, but ive run out of photos and time so that's kt

thanks for coming to my tedtalk (to the 3 people that will see this 💀)

#legend of zelda #spirit tracks #spirit tracks link #st link #spirit tracks zelda #phantom zelda #laputa castle in the sky #pazu #sheeta #vios 3am thoughts #more like rambles 💀

[stitchwraith-stingers]

godd i hate fazbear frights so much they ruined the lore ://// whats next, fazbear frights tumblr dash simulator??? fuck this

0 notes

🌙 motts-talking

i swear to god my brothers little pets are so freaky they ate my fish and made him into them, like spontanious mitosis or something and now im trying to get rid of them and i swear im so afraid of accidently drinking them

🌙 motts-talking

WHAT THE HELL..... HOW DO YOU HAVE A TUMBLR ACCOUNT, GO AWAYYYYYYY

21 notes

🔎 detective-larson

just got called into work today and they want me to look into this case and they think its associated with the stitchwraith... why do i work here 🔎 detective-larson

its been 3 months since i last posted and i may or may not have not known what i was getting into

14 notes

anonymous asked:

can you stop posting about your werid doll thing i get it ur like rich and shit now but its so hidieous and ugly it almost makes me want to unfollow and vomit

🍀 luckiest-boy-blog

i LIKE my ADVICE DOLL its just this little thing i like and you REJECT IT. YOU HATE IT BECAUSE I LIKE IT

154 notes

🎀 dovewing-kinnie

sorry ive been so inactive on this account, lets just say my mental health has been doing better! :) got some help from a family friend, ill be back to posting soon

🎀 dovewing-kinnie

the junkyard

15,816 notes

anonymous asked: aita for accidently indirectly killing my friend?

sorry for any spelling mistakes, im still shaken up by the whole thing

so i (14F) and my friend, who ill call P (14F) have recently both gone on a school trip to some werid factory (wont bother specifying which as to not doxx me), now i was known for being kinda, i guess "rude"? and while we seperated from the group and P was already slightly nervious about that, we went onto the catwalks and despite her pleading i decide to walk to a sign that said "NOT SAFE" or something along those lines

surprise surprise i fell, near me was a vat of boiling hot sauce or whatever and me, having somehow survived the fall, i decided to play a little prank, i would stay hiding in there for afew days, i think i managed to stay in there for 3 days? before i got kicked out

now first i visited my boyfriends house to tell him that im alive and whatever, and then i went to P's house, knowing it was like 2 am or something, i rang like three times i think and then i heard something fall

as it turned out, P had fallen off the roof of her house (i have no idea what she was doing in the first place) AND HAD SNAPPED HER NECK, i obviously screamed, who wouldnt, now i went from being the most popular girl in school to an outcast because of this

❓ aita-official

What are these acronyms?

🥀 the-ravens-death

925 notes

🐩 useless-dog-lesbian

utah is so werid, what do you mean people have an urban legend about a werid tall thing that has a trashbag with them at all times and can kill people with just a single touch

🥨 pretzel-liker-173

THEIR NAME IS THE STITCHWRAITH ‼‼

💡 yuri-ka

the stitchwraith is 100% funnier if you imagine theyre two kids in a trenchcoat with a halloween mask just trying to clean the planet, like ive seen it but it avoids people like the plauge

🐩 useless-dog-lesbian

what the fuck do you mean youve seen it

10,027 notes

⚡ chucks-vent-blog

are you really living life if you havent gotten an expirience where your older sibling just dissapears or dies

⚡ chucks-vent-blog

like when i was younger my brother had these reaccouring near freak-accidents of him almost loosing an eye or an arm and i was trying to tell him that maybe he had annoyed this one animatronic he tried to freak me out with and he yelled at me and then told me to come find him after school and then it turned out he got hit by a car, i wish i could explain to people normally about this without ti sounding werid

🎫 silliestlittleguy

how normal is this expirience? not my brother but my cousin just dissapeared suddenly, i had saved up so many tickets just to get him a gift from the nearby arcade! :(

🍬 horse-sona

god this is so true, i had a step-sister who dispised me because i was getting all the attention and just out of spite ate my candy that was specifically given to me by the place we were visiting, the next day we found out she had snuck out and the car was taken elsewhere with no sign of her, we figured she ran away or something but its been so long we decided shes dead at this point

🐟 fish-enjoyer

my older brother tried to flush my pet sea bonnies down the toilet because he apparently saw them eating his fish or something, never saw him again after that and the only witness just said he looked blue, i still have no idea what that means

⚡ chucks-vent-blog

i did not expect this to be more common then i thought what the fuck

1,729 notes

🍂 phineas-taggart-official

hello tumblr! sorry for not posting, ive been working on getting some stuff for an experiment and they finally arrived, will keep you updated

🌱 gregsexperiments

phineas taggart had died afew hours after posting this, detectives believe this is the stitchwraiths doing

🦋 restingatdawn

frankenstein behavior

28,275 notes

🐇 bnuuygirl

just saw a girl in the school cafetirea disintigrate into trash, cant have shit in utah

7 notes

🥀 the-ravens-death

i just witnessed my crush talk to some basic girl all lovey dovey in the school and i just ran back home while all i want for christmas is you was playing.. im so tired i fucking hate everyone i hate my life i want to die im so tired

🦇 vampire-girl-shelly

guess all he wanted for christmas is her huh

384 notes

🦉 justanothermiddleagedguy

my collgues are such assholes man first i hear them just kissing in the game testing room out loud for some reason and then when its my birthday and they do some werid freaky birthday surprise they misspell my name, its not hard to spell jeremiah correctly i promise you

1 note

🥈 scrap-metal-enthusiast

might fuck around and kill someone else idk

#calico.exe #this took me forever ... the begining is a joke i am fazbear frights strongest soilder #fake tumblr dashboard #fnaf #five nights at freddy's #fazbear frights #long post #fake post #unreality #dereality #<- just in case #I HAD SO MUCH FUN MAKING THIS i should make a part 2 #if my 2 mutuals like this idk #I WAS GETTING LAZY BY THE END IM SO SORRY THE USERNAMES ARE ASS DONT KILL ME

[hearts4juzi]

can you pass the golden duo headcanons i think you would have good ones

🤲🤲🤲my hands are open ready to catch them

RUBS MY FUCKING HANDS TOGETHER IVE BEEN THINKING ABT THEM SM UVE COME AT THE RIGHT TIME

echolalia. i already said that but. ECHOLALIA. shit gets tossed around. funny words youd find in a dr seuss book.

holding hands, leaning on each other, and lots of hugs!!!! best friends 2 me :(

cassidy wasnt super nice to him when they were alive and she regrets it a lot because of how things turned out and shes super defensive of him now

that being said, she never bullied him and was actively rude to anyone who did. she didnt particularly like him but she wasnt gonna stand for the harassment. if shed known about his party, she couldve saved him and i think she thinks about that a lot

i think eventually she apologized formally and he assured her it was fine and that he forgave her. because she of all people deserved it

he listens to her vent her frustrations. sometimes she reminds him of michael with how angry she is, but he knows how to calm her down and he always remembers shes nothing like michael was

he keeps her company in ucn when being around everyone is too much. hes forgiven them but sometimes things are hard still. sometimes he cant be around them. and she really needs company too. he knows she wont come to him, so he goes to her.

he doesnt like the gore or blood so cassidy will talk to him when theyre stuffing nightguards

hes still scared of animatronics so none of the kids greet him as animatronics. they care about him sosoososo much

evan would do fucking anything for cassidy. anything.

she knows his anxiety triggers pretty well by this point and she knows how to distract him. and vice versa.

casisdy doesnt panic as much as she gets over emotional and freaks out. does that make sense? she has more anger than fear and it fucks her up and hes always there when she gets tired of it.

he does her hair because he died before he could ever do his own. he wishes hed grown out his hair before he died

she encourages any behaviors he hid because of michael. she encourages anything that goes against michael.

shes a terribly influence on evan but its because she lvoes him and thinks he deserved better. he thinks she has enough anger for the both of them. she knows hes right and she hates it because HE deserves this anger.

they fight a lot but its never like cassidy and charlie. if cassidy fought with evan like she fought with charlie itd ruin both of them.

if theyd lived they probably wouldve run away together and been roomates

they like to joke that theyre soulmates (platonically) in both a figurative and literal sense. get it? because their souls are connected in golden freddy? they are my world

when they first meet in GF its tense. they end up caring about each other but theres lots to figure out and understand. she cant yell too loud at him because it reminds him of his dad, she cant play certain pranks on him like she might with her friends because it reminds him of michael.

she learns when to be loud and open with him and when she has to be gentle. he gets used to her shenanigans but sometimes things are too much

shes jokingly mean to her friends but not as much to evan because he doesnt always get its a joke

shed have loved to do his makeup and his nails. if theyd lived and moved out together the first thing they wouldve done is dye their hair and paint their nails and do their makeup and buy clothes they KNOW their parents would hate.

thats all i have in my brain rn they make me sad

#tzu rambles #tzu asks #headcanons

[sqwdkllr]

dude your art is so amazing..i fucking love how you do anatomy, and linework, its just so perfect and also your qsmp designs??!? so fucking cool. your deathduo especially is so so dear to me<3 and your bluebird au(/aus?) amd your bluebird art in general its just so <33333…and your qsmp entities like cucu and eye creature and especially baribel, MAN those are singlehandedly my favorite qnpc designs theyre so great like. how the eye guy just has Teeth that come out of his head wherever?? and all your little headcanons about the bears??? THEYRE SO COOL MAN. and your philza with the patches on his pants n the baby zombie scar on his leg (also whats the scar on his nose from?)(also also i love your phils hair, like the short with the little braid its so neat:DD), and pommes hijab braids, and the zippers on th back of cucu and ositos heads (i have yet to figure out what those are for but ehatever theyre cool anyway) n just like. the thought and detail that goes into them, im rambling but aa<333 theyre all amazing:) OU AND YOUR COMICS,, i love love love how you structure n format them because theyre so dynamic and interesting while still being super readable and the ART IVE SAID IT ALREADY BUT I NEED TO SAY IT AGAIN I LOVE YOUR STYLE SO MUCH. its just so nice. like how you use general shapes and like i dont know how to explain it but its cool:)) your art lives in this little spot in my brain rent free…made me subconsciously kind of incorporated stuff you do into my own art process like sketching shit in blue LOL

anyway sorry for the wall of text i just needed to rant a tiny bit because youre one of my fsvorite artists n you inspire me so much ssob,,anyway have a good day mate

This ask makes my heart explode oh my goddd. I'm so happy you enjoy the stuff I put out augghh that so sweet THIS ENTIRE MESSAGE IS SO SWEET WTF. I hope you are ready for a ramble about hc/theory/design choices. Seriously its long-

I have so many head canons I like showing. Some lean towards theory territory and others I legitimately do not believe in myself BUT I like drawing it out because WHY NOT !!?? I like the whimsy of it all

THE BLUEBIRD AU is purely me having fun. Its such an angst filled au that is coated with a mask of nuclear family and hurt/comfort. In reality its like being hit with a sauce pan repeatedly. I'm more of a scientist Jaiden believer personally. DON’T GET ME STARTED ON DEATHDUO- Man I want to go back to drawing self-indulgent stuff for that. Fuck this ask is making my brain engine go insane AUGHH-

Like stuff about Osito just being a huge flirt because of their exposure to Roier from the beginning or Baribal being a pot head, yeah those sort of head cannons I'm sure people are dying to hear from me (sarcasm). Or more serious ones like the relationship, more like lack of, between Cucurucho and Baribal being one of miscommunication that snowballed into hate but never enough to kill each other. Literally the trope of "twins separated where one is raised within evil and other is forced to take them down" but it's very dark grey from both sides. YESSIR

Or other theory territory like federation not knowing that Cucurucho and Osito are not the same person because it’s a secret- BUT THAT’S VERY FANON/THEORY TERRITORY AND TOO CONVOLUTED FOR HERE-

Oh and of course more tame head cannons like sexualities and stuff. Cucurucho is aromantic to me. All of them are transgender. The entire fed staff. Fuck even the purgatory island goobers. No real concept of what gender is and sort of adopted what the islanders do or what the federation refers to them as. It's just not a thing, same with labels on sexuality. If you like someone then you just like them and that’s how it rolls !!

THE WATCHER. MAN DO I HAVE THOUGHTS ON THIS GUY. Like actual constant threat and you are left scrambling trying to figure out the rules of not pushing the wrong buttons so you stay alive. I know his concept art had like him as a human at some point, but I like fungus goop watcher more. Little goober who just so happen to survive the longest, learn the most, and as a result evolve to what he is now. Eventually became strong enough to overthrow the previous leader (and consume them-) and is now king of the purgatory island in privacy. Until the new islanders were sent there ofc. So yeah, bro is very old, its why Cucurucho has no clue who this dude is when he does get to put a face to the name.

PHILZA. This guy is the kinda guy to put survival above all. So I like to imagine that not only would he be covered in scars because he tanks most of the hits and is generally a very selfless person- SOME SCARS HAVE A REASON ! The zombie scar being one of course, semi infected bc I like to think that he did not die in his hc world but rather came close to it. And his buildings is what caught the attention of the goddess of death and allowed for her to give him immortality and be her eyes in the mortal realm as her angel of death. So the poison is still in his foot, just unmoving. Stuck in time just like his body unable to age. As for the scar on his cheek? Nightmare Stalker grabbing him by the face and throwing him in the ocean the second time he tried to get up to save Tallulah. The only evidence left of that night happening. YES SHORT HAIR PHILZA AND POMME WITH A HIJAB YESSS

The zippers are supposed to show that their "head" is not actually what they look like. It’s a helmet/mask. I don't draw their real faces out of fear of making them look too "human" but rather I enjoy the implication that they COULD LOOK LIKE any other islander. Isn’t the thought that this horrible twisted shell of a being could look just as human as you so much more eerie? I dunno I was watching horror analysis videos of the unknown while building the fanon side of them- Now why their masks can emote?,,, its cartoon logic !! And it's cute I have so many thoughts on these guys can you tell? OH MY GODD THANK YOU THO. Augh this is the sweetest message ive ever read pls.im so so very glad these little guys can make you happy. That’s such an honor fr !!

#posts that have a high change of me rbing or linking this later with art #i talk a lot and you all will suffer with it #ask #anon #anon you have no clue how much of a motivation boost this was #I NEED.... A PEN.. NOWWW...

[safewavess]

I present; 99 Castoff Incorrect Quotes. Don’t ask why

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3 (this one))

(67)

Rori: I'm quick at math.

Arianna: Ok, what's 38 times 76?

Rori: 24

Arianna: That wasn't even close.

Rori: But it was quick.

(68)

Vector: Am I in trouble?

Arianna: Take a guess.

Vector: No?

Arianna: Take another guess.

(69)

Frankie: Wow, it sure smells like wrong dog in here!

Vector: Oh buddy…

Frankie, already sobbing: ASK.

(70)

Rori: You can take away my rights, but can you take away my lefts?

(71)

Vector: What scares you guys the most?

Frankie: Werewolves!

Marina: Sharks.

Sage: The unstoppable marching of time that is slowly guiding us all towards an inevitable death.

Sage:

Sage: Arianna.

(72)

Arianna: We have to plan, we have to figure something out.

Frankie: Arianna, when have any of our plans ever actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose.

(73)

Frankie: Oh, hey, I didn't see you come in! You should have come by and said hello!

Arianna: Oh! Yeah, I uh...

Arianna: Didn't want to bother you.

Arianna: Or talk to or listen to or be around you.

(74)

Frankie: There are three ways to handle a difficult situation. The right way, the wrong way, and the Arianna way.

Vector: Isn't that the wrong way?

Frankie: Yes, but it's faster.

(75)

Arianna: We wouldn't last two minutes without Frankie.

Arianna:

Arianna: Don't tell them I said that.

(76)

Arianna: Why do you hang out with me?

Vector: You're the best thing that's ever happened to me!

Arianna: ...

Arianna: I feel a bit sorry for you.

(77)

Frankie: Oh, fiddlesticks! That really ruffles my feathers!

Rori: Please, just say fuck.

(78)

Vector, texting Marina: sends a voice message

Marina, texting back: I'm a little busy, is it urgent?

Vector: No, don't worry, just listen later. later

Marina: presses play

Vector's voice message: THERE'S A FIRE-

(79)

Marina: You need to stop swearing so much.

Arianna: Shut the fuck up.

Marina: Yeah, that's not how you do it.

Arianna: Alright sorry. It's just that it's hard not to swear. The words just creep up on me when I least expect it.

Marina: Now now, don't be like that. Just replace the swear words with 'beep' and you'll be fine.

Arianna: Shit the beep up.

Marina:

Arianna: SHUT, DAMMIT! I MEANT SHUT!

(80)

Frankie: I have a bad feeling about this, guys.

Arianna: Oh don't worry, you'll be fine.

Vector: Yeah, what's the worst that could happen?

Frankie, being bailed out of jail the next morning: I hate you all.

(81)

Arianna: fast-forwards all the way through the movie

Frankie: You can't just skip to the happy ending!

Arianna: I don't have time for their problems.

(82)

Marina: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Arianna?

Arianna: No.

Frankie: I do!

Marina: I know, Frankie.

Frankie: I'm sad.

Marina: I know, Frankie.

(83)

Arianna: When do I get my own gun?

TheStarfishface: I wouldn't trust you with my kid's lightsaber.

(84)

Arianna: Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my actions.

(85)

Arianna: I keep a picture of all of us in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture.

The Squad: Awwww-

Arianna: And I tell myself "If I can deal with these idiots, then I can deal with anything."

The Squad: Oh.

(86)

Rori: Ha! What are you gonna do? Stab mе?

Five minutes later

Rori, calling 911: HELP, IVE BEEN STABBED.

(87)

Rori: I'd roast you, but my mom says you can't burn trash.

Rori: slow-mo walks out of the room

(88)

Frankie: Hey.

Arianna: pissed off You... complete ... ASS, Frankie! You show up here after WEEKS, and you say "hey"?!

(89)

Sage: The dinosaurs didn't rule the earth they were just alive. Stop giving them credit for administration skills they didn't have.

(90)

Rori: Advice of the day kids, if you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color then they are a certified nerd.

Vector: Yeah but you have to specify, frost glacier or cool blue? You can't just say blue because there's more than one blue.

Rori: Blue and light blue, nice try nerd.

(91)

Rori: I will beat all of you in Rock, Paper, Scissors. You go first.

Vector: Rock.

Rori: Paper.

(92)

Frankie: Why's it called an oven when you of in the cold food and you of out hot eat the food?

Marina: ...What???

(93)

Marina: I hate to disagree with you, but-

Rori: Please, you love to disagree with me. Its your favorite thing to do.

(94)

Arianna: Underestimate me. That'll be fun.

(95)

Vector: What does "take out" mean?

Frankie: Food.

Marina: Dating.

Arianna: Murder.

Rori: It can be all three if you're brave enough.

(96)

Vector: I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I'm under.

(97)

Rori: on the phone Hey Marina, do you know my blood type?

Marina: Of course, it's B-.

Rori: Oh, I guessed wrong. Excuse me, nurse-!

(98)

Frankie: Vector, I'm afraid.

Vector: Just stay close to Arianna.

Frankie: That's why I'm afraid.

(99)

Marina: What did you two do?

Rori:

Arianna:

Marina: You're not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to lie to the police again or not.

#castoff comic #castoff #incorrect quotes #okay i can go back into hiding now #howd you guys like the 99 incorrect quotes #hopefully they were good #if you wanna know i got them all from a website that made them and just surfed through as many as possible! #just search “incorrect quotes generator” and you should find it

[weirdcat1213]

volume 12 already? damn that went fast. just yesterday we were crying about vash drinking in a church

anyway :D volume 12 thoughts time

chap 1:

-chronicaaaaaaaaa :3

-AW NO MY BABY

-these quiet panels are the fucking best/worst thing that have ever happened to me

-too many memories :c

-YES LINA IS THERE THANK GOD (at the same time this is heartbreaking as fuck)

-all the enemies after all the people he has ever loved/helped

-HIS MOM AND HIS BF

-THATS IT THATS THE ONE THATS THE PANEL OH GOD WE ARE *HERE*

-im gonna go cry now

-i wonder what "anti plant" entails...is it a special material?

-ok fine, chronica can call knives a terrorist. she gets a pass

-oh sweet geesus

-eh?

-oohhhhhh.....ok fuck

-nothing can stop the hatred of this man. kinda admirable but as the song says "your misery and hate will kill us all"

chap 2:

-"corrosive thunder", love the title

-OH SHIT DOMINA NO, pls dont let him get to you

-DOMINA NOOOOOO

-the plants kinda look in pain there....

-MY GIRLSSSSSSSSSS

-for pain purposes, i choose to believe that when they resonate they hum like vash did in stampede

-aaand shes gone

-oh god, the end of evangelion flashbacks

-OH NIGHTOW YOU SON OF A BISCUIT- THOSE EYES IN THE BACKGROUND-

-tbh everything in your ship just being consumed by someone else so quickly must be scary af. nothing belongs to them anymore and soon, chronica could even loose herself

chap 3:

-oh shit oh fuck oh shit

-oh shit not thors hammer

-omg look! the laws of physics!

-noooo :c we dont get to know domina too much but its still sad

-OH?

-MAGIC BULLETS TIME BABYYYYYYYYYYY

-ohhhhhhh okok i get it

chap 4:

-THATS MY BOIIIIIIIIIII

-AH SHIT IVE JUST NOTICED THE HAIR

-ALSO PLS DONT SMILE LIKE THAT-

-childish is a good word for it cuz knives just doesnt want to accept hes wrong and scared

-THE POWER OF LOVE AND PEACE BITCH

-is vash pausing cuz even though his plan was to kill knives hes kinda sad that knives wants to kill him? i may never know

-let him use his fucking gun ok? hes an expert. also i like to think he uses it to stay grounded. like to stay with the people hes fighting with. hes not superior or anything

-TO YOUR KNEES BITCH TO YOUR FUCKING KNEES

-THATS MY FUCKING GUNMAN THATS MY SON RIGHT THERE

chap 5:

-FLASHBACK TIME LETS GO

-omg right it hated this. hes just a baby :c

-so vash left with a stranger? i forgot about that

-honey just be glad YOU ARE ALIVE

-BECAUSE HES VASH THE STAMPEDE- i should rewatch that episode huh

-GEESUS BRO

-tbh vash, you should have. then and now

-YEAH TELL HIM VASH >:D YOU ARENT NAIVE

-tbh i would also think thats enough to break the chain. hmm

-"stay with me" vash pls i cant jump into the void rn

-GEESUS CHRIST, the cleanest cut in the west

-also you think vash made that face cuz the last time he made someone bleed was rem-

-THE CLOSEUP TO THE MOUTHS AHHHHHHHHHHH

-"we dont belong in the future of this planet" dont fucking say that

chap 6:

-actually wanting to humans to talk with plants is a great step for improving their relationship but sure knives, whatever

-THATS SO TRUE VASH LETS GO, LET THE PLANTS HAVE A SAY IN IT

-ive said this before but as someone who was mocked by wanting context before judging people, vash is so...reassuring. like it wasnt wrong of me to want to know all the sides of one story. im glad

-also i completely forgot about that town and radiation. how tf radiation happens in that planet, what am i missing

-oh nvm, thanks nightow

-HES NOT EXCUSING, HES EXPLAINING OMFG YOU IDIOT

-YEAH FUCKING TELL HIM >:D POP OFF VASH >:D

-WHY IS IT THEN? HUH KNIVES?- oh shit what

-yknow what, ill give knives the fact that humans are ignorant and we are repeating history etc etc, but im done. finish him vash

-for some reason this reminds me to that scene with the soldiers in ep 12. my man really cant catch a break

-YEAH THE GIRLSSSSSSSSSSSS :D

-"you've been abandoned" maybe by some but not by everyone. and thats the whole point

-YEAH YOU ARENT BABY ILY

-HOLD UP IS THAT HER FACE?????

-awww :c

chap 7:

-IS IT LIVIO TIME????

-YO WTF, WHO SHOT MY GIRL

-ofc the military would be like this

-i literally cant say whos bleeding

-ah fuck ok

-ugh no...pls dont tell me hes fucking bleeding through his eyes...pls dont (if i see stampede vash bleeding like that i will eat my pc piece by piece)

-chronica :c

-LIVIOOOOOOOOO :0

-OMG YES, YES, IM SO HAPPY. quoting 98 "and i know in my heart he would have done the same"

-MR. VASH, MR. LIVIO AWWW :3

-OH HES SPINNING THOSE FUCKERS :D

-oh well thats not fair, hes too cool

-wait why is knives not wanting to kill vash bad?

chap 8:

-considering the blockers chronica has, entering a fused entity must be scary but also exciting

-ngl i dont get the spikes on the screen thing

-geesus

-WTF YOU DID TO HIM???

-wait no i want to see whats happening with vash- and its livio time

-oh hes alive thank god (this is my 2nd read why am i surprised)

-OH NO ITS THAT MOMENT OH NNONONONO STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME

-i hate seeing his eyes like that if im being honest, its scary

-ESO MAMONAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA GET UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP

-LIVIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-OH SHIT its my wife

-OH WAIT MY OTHER WIFE IS HERE TOO

-VASH WHY ARE YOU MAKING THAT FACE

-OH GOD NOT LEGATO AND THE RUSSIAN DOLL

-CAN SHIT STOP HAPPENING FOR A MINUTE

-THERES TOO MANY PEOPLE HERE CAN YALL CALM THE FUCK DOWN

chap 9:

-omg its the legato episode

-what is happening, what am i looking at

-oh oh shit

-RIGHT IN HIS MF EYE

-what is happening?

-ok flashback time

-yeap. its that time. shit

-geesus fucking christ. tbh ofc legato would think knives is right. there was nothing to prove him wrong

-yeap. i would do the same actually. stomp on his head

-oh honey...honey thats gay-

-is that why he has short hair...cuz knives gave him a name AND A HAIR STYLE??

-damn son

-also i may be wrong but where do people get the idea he inserted metal in his own brain to have those powers?/gen

#trimax #trigun maximum #trigunbookclub #WHY AM I ACTUALLY SHOCKED THIS IS MY 2ND READ #was i really that numb the 1st time after vol 10?

[horce-divorce]

I'm 8 days post-op from Dr. Wrubel in Grand Rapids, Michigan!!

Just had my drains out & bolsters off, experiencing a euphoria heretofore previously unknowable to my mind and body, and it still hasn't REALLY even sunk in yet????? It's really real. It's really over. They're gone and I really never have to have tits ever again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the first week, still being bandaged up in the binder with tubes coming out of my ribs, I mainly felt injured, the relief hadn't set in yet. It certainly made it MORE real, and I had a few fleeting moments of "it happened? Already?? That's IT???" But it was hard to feel like it's permanent with all that stuff attached. also i was very preoccupied (unrelated to surgery).

Also? Surgery (like massages!) can apparently bring a lot of deep emotions and trauma to the surface. Post-op depression is a real thing, surgery is a lot for a body to go through. For days post op I was bursting into tears randomly remembering shit from YEARS ago, sitting there saying shit like, "it feels like my chest was ripped open (emotion)!" and then laughing my ass off bc my chest WAS literally ripped open. Of course all the feelings came spilling out. I'm pretty well adjusted so I enjoyed this, but I can see how a heads up might behoove a person!

Yesterday, once the drains were out, I had more of those "it happened?!" moments. Less fleeting. Feeling my shirt material against my ribs for the first time, where my sideboob used to be, and bursting into tears because I never even knew I missed that. Reaching in front of me expecting to bump into/grab a boob and hitting nothing. Walking around comfortably for once, feeling muscles tense waiting for a bounce-and-slap that never comes back. My friends (even the cis ones?! even the cis nurse?!?!) screaming and yelling that my scars and nips look SO good.

So it's sinking in more now, at the 22 hour mark; I can look down and see how flat, and feel that I'm not wearing a binder, and take a deep breath. I can reach down to cup a boobie that is no longer there (a sensation not unlike missing a step going down the stairs, but much smaller, and much giddier). I reach too far and feel a half-painful, half-numb tug. It's getting LESS fleeting, but I can still smell the sutures, I can still feel where the drains were, I haven't yet felt the sun on my chest for the real first time but I think maybe today will be the day, and at least for the first time I can SEE that happening.

For the first time the future isn't just an abstract concept, or just maybe something I can have. 10 years ago I didnt know if I'd be alive the next day, let alone in a year or 5 years. Today, I know I'm going to go outside and feel the sun on my bare, flat chest and that it's going to move me emotionally in a way I've never been moved. I know that now. I know I'm going to start those rural queer meetings this month, we already have the time and place. I know I'm going to banned book club this month because I want to really bad and I said I would. I'm even fairly certain I might actually get to go to GR Pride again for the first time since 2015 (and only for the second time ever!!!!! Ive only been to Pride once and never while I was out as trans!!!!!). I know I'm healthy enough right now to camp more and do more rockhounding and foraging and hiking and things I love this summer. I'm going to fucking cry holy shit. I'm so grateful rn. I have so many good friends. I have so much to look forward to. I finally have a body I don't fucking hate lmao. This is such a vast difference from this time last year.

I don't even know what to do with myself right now, I feel like I have zoomies!!! I'd be running around except it hurts my tits LOL. Real talk tho my body still very much anticipates the weight of those things every time I take a step, my muscles tense to hold them, and then they just... aren't there? It's the WEIRDEST sensation of all time. It's actually kind of validating as fuck? to truly notice for the first time just how much the rest of my body had to compensate for those things?? I feel SO hard for anyone with yabbos off the size chart + back problems. Cursed fuckin combination. You definitively have to work extra hard just to carry those fuckin things around and it's unjust!!!

It is LITCHERALLY!!!! a weight off my damn chest and the rest of my body!!!!! Emotionally and physically!!!!!!!! Like I can't even anticipate how much this will help my sensory issues and that wasn't even something I'd considered when I signed up for it lol

Anyone who's sitting here apprehensive about top surgery: I won't sugarcoat it, okay, i have a high pain tolerance BUT sensory issues. I opted not to take any tramadol, and the first week was pretty gnarly (2 things can be true). The drains are a fucking nightmare, especially for any of my fellow autistic baddies looking at top, yeah, the sensory aspect, I tell ya... MAN. I will NOT lie, It is DIS-GUS-TENG. The actual surgical pain isn't much worse than like a bad flareup of my usual chronic pain; overall it's like a 6 or 7 at the absolute worst and that's only when I'm overdoing it and like touching my chest all the time/wearing a seatbelt/carrying shit I shouldn't have been carrying (again w/o the pain meds). It feels a bit bruised and more than a bit burned, tender and sore to the touch, but it's totally bearable and to me it's way less painful than dysphoria by a long shot.

absolutely every single second of it has been worth it and I never once doubted it was the right thing to have done. I would do it again with zero hesitation. If you have been waiting to look into top because, idk, you wanted a sign, or you're lazy, or you think it's gonna be too hard, or you're worried about recovery- here's your sign. don't be. The way I feel right now is something you deserve to feel. I want you to feel this way. And I promise there is no combination of words I can find that would do it justice. You just have to feel it for yourself. Stop waiting for the right time. You're alive right now. Call your surgeon. I love you.

#me #top surgery #im built like the worms from MIB and i love it lmfao #gpoy #note to self

[spinaroos-47]

8 and 16 for fnaf

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

THE SAFE ROOMS. It was basically agreed on that they were sealed some time after the MCI, probably after FNAF 2 since phone guy said that "someone used one of the suits, a yellow one", and then when the fnaf 3 minigames happened, William opened the entrance (since it was a FAKE wall that was put on top) and then died there. Its weird that this one was unagreed and i don't understand why.

Edit: and yknow they got sealed while phone guy was alive since he recorded the tape about them being sealed, and probably before he took the night shift. So probably between fnaf 2 closing and him taking the night shift in the fnaf 1 location

He didn't get sealed there later. While i love the Idea that maybe Henry went there later after he died in springtrap and sealed him in, its not likely.

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

The books. Why do so many people like the books so much for theory crafting when at first they werent meant to be solutions for the games??

Also i fucking hate that steel wool basically brought the tales of the pizzaplex books to canonicity. WHEN THEY HAD VANNY RIGHT THERE TO TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO FINALLY EXPLORE HER IN RUIM SINCE THEY SCRAPPED ALMOST ALL OF HER STUFF IN THE BASE GAME. The mimic being in the DLC Im 100% its to pander since people were all "OOH MIMIC IS THE BIG BAD MIMIC SWEEP"

And i already said here before, if you're a game franchise, i don't think you should have that many big answers to the story in books. Ive heard some news of a leaked book that hhhhhh.

#ask

[majjiktricks]

Mgs 5 10 15 and 20

media questions metal gear:

5. the character who gives me the greatest gender envy i would be a big dirty liar if i said anything OTHER than kaz here. dear god. i need that mans swag. the blond bitchiness. ive got some of it already lol im bleach blond (when im not dyed wacky colors) and i do need tinted glasses bc my eyes hate light </3 runner up for venom snake tho. beefy... hairy.... big man.......... hougghh. my brain cant decide if i want to be him or to eat him alive,,

10. a ship I would gladly go down with… and then become davey jones, so I can continue to captain said ship for eternity you couldnt pry quiet ships out of my cold, dead hands. vquiet especially, but kazquiet rarepair… the worsties <3

15. a character/story arc that bores me to tears ive said this a few times i think LOL but fucking. the beauties and the beasts in mgs4. i just. they were so much they looped back around to being boring as hell. esp with the extended backstories you'd get after defeating them. it was just too much i zoned out every time.

20. fics/fanart I’d love to see i try to write or draw the things i want to see but man. theres just some things these hands cannot yet execute. i have an idea for a terribly sad otasune animatic to the tango version of the love theme that would rip out everyones hearts ^_^

ty for the ask hehe

#jazz noises #inbox #theowlseye #metal gear

[blog-of-reaction]

ANTMAN AND THE WASP: QUANTUMANIA SPOILERS

More unasked for thoughts on this movie. (Except this time I remember to put it on my thoughts about movie/shows blog instead of my main)

I wish the og? Kang had survived. Like, I’m sure the other Kang’s are cool, but I really liked him as the villain. Also, with Kang being the big and of phase five. (Is it phase 4 or 5? I honestly don’t know.) with him being the big bad though, I can’t help but feel like killing off the Kang that literally all of the other Kang’s were so scared of they banished him to the quantum realm was a mistake. Like, they already (most likely) successfully took down him, how are other Kang’s who aren’t as scary going to feel like much of a threat?

Especially since there will be multiple. Like, I realize the Kang we’ve seen so far could be an outlier, but I’m not so sure they wont be able to be divided against each other. (Then again, them being divided against each other would most likely cause just as much if not more damage then them working together, given the whole monologue at the end of Loki.)

Also, Cassie was great and I love her.

I’m not necessarily an expert on Modok but I liked the what they did with him. Also, the part where Scott asked “Shouldn’t it be Modofk?” was perfect. Ive literally asked myself the same thing ever since he showed up in EMH.

I really liked the family dynamic they had in the movie.

Hope and Scott’s relationship actually had like, some real substance to it this time. Granted, it is very little but their romance is still much more believable than in the previous movies. (Which I mean the bar could not be lower there and it still feels a bit like “what?” but not as much as in the previous movies. Their relationship is mostly like, subtly implied and definitely supported and kind of lifted up via the overall family dynamic everyone had, but it still felt a bit forced at the end. I am slowly coming around to it maybe though? Like, I no longer passively dislike it. Instead I passively accept it.

The side characters were great, fun to see, and I loved them. I actually teared up when torture laser beam for a head guy was killed.

There were a few brilliant scenes that I especially enjoyed or found funny.

First off, like, just put yourself in Scott Lang’s shoes for a minute. All sorts of things weird unbelievable stuff has happened in your life and now you’re in the quantum realm and you lost sight of your daughter after being captured by these strange quantum realm people. And then when he finally sees her, he sees this teenage girl with what looks like blood dripping down her chin and she just cheerily says

“Drink the ooze!”

And then the camera cuts away. Hilarious.

“Those buildings are alive?!”

“What, are yours dead?” said with genuine concern. Beautiful.

The surprise actor for Chidi and pretty much everything when it came to his telepathy.

“How many holes do you?”

*excitedly after being shot a lot* “I HAVE HOLES” and then turning into a vacuum cleaner and just straight up going eldritch something on these guys

Also, Darren’s death. My response to that entire conversation was basically to laugh and ask myself what the fuck? I’m pretty sure Darren said some of that stuff just to mess with Scott but I’m not sure.

I want revenge and im going to kill you and your daughter! “You’re being a dick.” “Yeah but I don’t know what else to do.” “…just stop” great idea, thanks. And immediately doing a 180 and helping your previous sworn enemies.

Also, Kang was great, and a good villain and I was actually like, a bit scared of him. I mean, I still havent seen Wakanda Forever (I know and I hate that about me too) so I can’t comment on Namor and while Killmonger was a good MCU villain Kang is a good villain. And like, those are two very different things. So that was refreshing to see.

Back to Kang I don’t know how the rest of this phase will play out. Like, how will the, for lack of a better term, council of Kang, react and what will they do? Besides maybe destroying the multiverse according to prime Kang. (Speaking of, the Kang in this is just like, a younger version then the one that Sylvie killed in Loki right? It’s never outright stated but it seems pretty clear.)

#antman spoilers #antman and the wasp spoilers #antman and the wasp quantamania spoilers #quantumania spoilers #mcu spoilers #spoilers

[salvatoreren]

Vol2 Thoughts

Alright everybody welcome back and ill try to make this as clean and constructed as possible anyways

i suppose chapter eight was the calm before the storm despite many people have died already

max having her halloween mask tho lmao what was she going to do with it and those poor people who got their van stolen,

the way i screamed when nancy saw jason, and erica just seeing the rest, im so glad eddie and the others stayed in the van, like please, dude my jaw dropped when i saw some dude kissing vickie, like poor robin, she deserves better

the way all of them had their moments while on the grass making weapons, i love that, i feel erica about lucas lol, robin and steve just comforting each other and being the best and that dustin and eddie scene, i love when they were scuffling, god they're so wholesome, YOUR HONOR I LOVE THEM, THE NEVER CHANGE UGHHH PLEASE IT HITS DIFF NOW

i cried when will was crying, he's been through so much and ik i have set my negative views regarding ships but like i said byler and mileven was cool okay? anyways im sure what he said to mike was his true feelings

ik it's just me but i wish brenner and el had more closure like a max and billy moment but i think like i said a month ago with hopper saying the need to surpass fathers and grow, it made sense actually because in order for el to grow she needs to defy and surpass him

ALSO WILL AND EL HUGGING

now

CHAPTER NINE REALLY WAS SO HEARTSTOPPING, I HAD A HEADACHE WATCHING IT, MY HANDS WERE SO COLD AND MY STOMACH WAS TWISTING AND SHIT, I WAS SO FUCKING SCARED BUT ANYWAYS

THAT BIT WHERE THEY TRY TO FORCE MIKE IN EATING PIZZA WITH PINEAPPLE, THAT WAS SO CUTE

THE LUMAX SCENES! THE HOW PRESUMPTUOUS OF YOU COMING BACK, I LOVE THEM THEY'RE SO CUTE UGHHH

THAT "CHRISSY THIS IS FOR YOU" HAD ME BAWLING AND SCREAMING, UGH I LOVE HIM, THOSE PEEPS WERE RIGHT ABOUT EDDIE PLAYING MASTER OF PUPPETS, HE WAS INSANE FOR THAT, UGH PLS

IM SORRY BUT I LAUGHED SO HARD WHEN DUSTIN AND EDDIE KEPT STABBING THE BATS LOL

THE WAY MY HEART BROKE WHEN EDDIE CUT OFF THE SHEET, DUSTIN SCREAMING, I HATE THIS

MY POOR BOY DUSTIN GETTING HIS LEG HURT

AND PROPS TO MURRAY, I LOVE HIM HE WAS CRAZY SHOOTING THAT FLAMETHROWER, MVP

THE SINCLAIRS BEATING THOSE TWO DOUCHES LMAO WHY WERE THEY ONLY TWO THO, ERICA KICKING HIM RIGHT IN THE NUTS AND HITTING HIM WITH A FLASHLIGHT QUEEN! ALSO LUCAS SAYING NORMAL IS A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH, YES HE RESIST CONFORMING

MIKE PULLED AN EREN ON ELEVEN UGH IN ASTONISHMENT BUT ALSO UGH IN DISGUST SINCE THEY REMIND ME OF MY NOTP, AND SAYING HOW HE LOVES HER, MILEVEN MAKES ME SOFT GOD

THE WAY THE MUSIC SET AND SHOWED EACH BATTLE JUISFAHKJSAF, I LOVE NANCY SHOOTING AT VECNA UGH, SHE WAS SO BADASS

I CRIED SO MUCH WHEN MAX SAID SHE DIDN'T WANT TO DIE AND ALSO BACK WHEN SHE WAS IN THE SNOWBALL PART, HER CRIES WERE SO GENUINE, SADIE SINK DOING SUCH A GREAT JOB AGAIN

and now my thoughts on our beloved boy eddie's death

yeah i screamed and cried as twice as much, esp when dustin was holding him, like bro what, he can't die, i was saying it with dustin that he can't die and after that the disappointment, the unfairness set in, like steve got bit by a bat too but he lived, dont even get me started on max, IT'S SO UNFAIR, he had his MOMENT, IT WAS HIS YEAR, im just ugh really disappointed by his death, pretty numb about it, who knew one death could bring such a huge feeling of disappointment like the posts ive seen where brutal and really mad but i suppose they had the right since eddie had potential, him dying was unfair, it was just for shock value and it didn't really advance the plot unless they're using that for season five

the disappointment is really real, im really sad and beyond pained that it had to go that way, they're right eddie could've been kept around just like max and robin, we prayed for steve and robin too much, forgetting who we really should've prayed for but yeah im glad those two are alive, i feel really bad for his uncle though, his nephew missing, having his poster constantly vandalized then only told that he was dead ughh it's so unfair, i am in pain and i miss him already, i loved him like a child, he was amazing and fuckkk

RIP baby boy we will miss you

also i remember someone saying that if hopper and el reunite again and hopper says hey kid, they were going to lose it, i wonder how they're doing rn lmao

honestly im so happy that mike and hopper hugged, their relationship in season two was great but then forgotten and soiled at season three so yey

THAT ENDING THO WITH THE MUSIC AND SHIT, GOD I LOVE THAT

to be honest i really wish it ended with season four, idk this season felt like the end and for it to be succeeded feels wrong but all in all it was actually a great season finale, just eddie's death really did sour everyone's enjoyment, despite how i feel ill stick around because i love this show and am too attached to it, it's basically my comfort show

i have more to say regarding my favorite parts but i kinda forgot about them sorry, i watched the two in separate days

#eddie munson #jane hopper #el hopper #mike wheeler #will byers #jonathan byers #joyce byers #jim hopper #argyle #nancy wheeler #steve harrington #robin buckley #dustin henderson #lucas sinclair #erica sinclair #murray bauman #dmitri antonov #yuri ismaylov #stranger things #stranger things season four #stranger things season 4 #stranger things 4 #st4 #st4 spoilers

[solardick]

So i walked past this girl today. Whike getting coffee and she gave me attitude as she walked oast ne cause i wasn’t oogling her. Yup. I hate life.

You werent that pretty girl. Youre too overdone. And im pretty sure ive been dosed with soemthign again. Becaus ei have no drive and all i can feel is my rectum. Its disturbing. Like i soend all night beign fucked while unconscious. Maybe its prostate cancer. And im about to become impotent.

Sorry, no life for you. You are now abject. From everything.

Thinkbill complete the imf course and then apply to the training course. And then boom.

How long does it take to die from prostate cancer.? …. Awh. Its not very good. High chance of survival. Naw, im peeing fine.

Awh, what happened to ted lasso? It’s all a chick drama. Fuck season two. The forst season was great. Skip to the end of season. Whats the outcome?

Clench clench clench clench. Muscle gonna get sore.

Guess im never gonna know what not feeling abused is like. In a world thats hypes peace and love. What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe its the pine apple. Or the “dominance of venus aspects with transiting mars. They are stealing mars from me. The whole controling projectstions thing they do day in and day out.

So what to do with all this time off? Too much co trol and oppresion to be able to fucntion anyeay.

Of course. Ted lasso gors from supper positive, proactive and supportive and motivational to season two of a feminine drama to season three of homosexuality. Touch media. Keep uo the brain eashing.

I need a ciggarette. Keep my idealized depression going and gove me an upper to whatever brain chemical produces functional behavior. And more unatural weather varying 25+ degrees a week. Right god? Or ehatever they doing to the weather.

Oh and its a day for crows. Waiting to devour ny fucken soul.its like a giant turd. Spreading out its arms wanting to hug you.

In going to go hang out at work. 20+ years of solitude and debasemment have left me insane. To be alone. So we take to mars and we go to venus.

So the baseball manager is fired and,

So the girl is gone. Maybe it was the devil card that did it. I did everything right. Guess we had near exact aspects. Guess she couldn’t handle me reflecting back her own bs. It was so nicely done too. Cause i gave it to the guy that she used to flirt with to hurt me, to give to her.

Alright whos the next girl? Im starting to win these. And since ive already been raped thi k it may be safe now. For other pwoole to mind therir OWN FUVKING BUSINESS.

Oh look that girl just gave me a nod of approval.

Should have seen their faces when i showed up and said yeah, i’d rather be here then watching gay tv. All of their faces sunk and showed disposition. Bunch of queers. And well for ted lasso was pretty much the experience i was being guided through at the time of its release. From a new start full of motivation. To a drasic change of queer bs. And then they raped me. Well atleast the forst season is safe. Im gonna binge that until its memorized. And i can role play as him.

Civilization only looks like a simulation because is lot f eats it is. It is basses asround sn organized script witH its own mathematical laws emdeded into the vary fabric of society. Took generations to perfect. Its an artificial plan for an artificial life. Robotics.

Whatever. Ive been being treated sexually since i was 6 years old. Your fucken system stile everything from me even childhood. I dont want to be alive anymore. And then family stole my you g adulthood and now they are dtealing my maturity. Theres not a dtate in my life where i dont get fucked over.

Ok so Russians and war. Current dialogue says to refrain from russian influence. That they are an enemy to the current state of affairs and are being a real irritate to the peace and dove agenda of the wanting wor’d order. Its curious in comparison that the films releases here say, that plugging into artificial reality is discouraged. Attention needs to be paid to reality. Focus and attention on real world matters is suggested. This also in line to “covid” as does sword art alone. The japenesse series places thr timing of its event on 2022. Wile being released to the public on 2012. Shows a trap in virtual reality, while all reasoning is to escape the imprisonment. Eventual the protagonists do. But remain there afterwards. With the use of free will and choice. And the american film. 2012. Shows a world being swallowed by the ocean.

If one goes to, or went to duolingo and chose russian the first word they learn is stupid. With in this bubble of conditioning. Any attempt to move forwards in the strengthening the proactive use “masculinity” towards the power of logo. Is discouraged. Subject must needs divergence from natural script. Taken out and drowned in lies.

Trying at outmost to steal the only connection one had left. All good will. And the presence of god guiding me true. When the atmoshpere turns and is impregnated eith meaning. And if one fallows it. leads to the wondrous. Uplifting stabilizing kiss of an angel.

It’s, fucken miraculous.

I hope a get to see her again. It feels my heart with intimacy. Hahah only from an angel.

It does feel like a turd. Well they are selling turd toys. Hot to catch them young.

Just got to live a life of being forced to be dissatisfied. Dont get want you want, dont get what you need, you dont get a say.

Hmm feel those muscles.

And no to becoming a desire driven invalid. That knows no bounds. Nope. I cut that thread it was nothing but evil and death. Haunted by the family and all these supporters. I was born in hell. Thats all there is. With their gross shit encrusted finger grappling on to me. Got to create a new emergence scene, one away from the evil feminine and the degenerate, delinquent masculine. Into the abscence of bs with the effeminate. Same script. Almost died. Didn’t matter.

Quit watching tv or gaming. Out effort in repairing myself, still under constant destabilizing pressures. But then i was lured and guided to walmart. And its pisces capital. All motivation being sent towards acquirement. Haha. Framing my disposition towards their goals. Making sure im a wreck. Set up experiences. As desperation grew ever more towards that peace of angel or just even a mutual back and forth. Nothign matters. Continue the show. Where do i go? What do i see? What do i feel?

Who am i here to please?

So we will fallow through on the opportunity to de-toxify. Think about shape. Work on healthier habits. And then. I lose everything and have to start over again.

When i stop feeling my ass. That be great. Im not sure if a need to take a shit or take a dick. Or if their both the same thing. I aint fucken ifentifying with that. Mars venus meecury mars venus mercury. So many positive relastionship aspects and here i am alone. Ass tingling. Fantastic. Guess their never going to stop. Think i might need some medication soon. Like an anti depressant. Theuy’d bever give me a gun though.

But at any rate. When it comes to designing a deck. Using a preset. Writing out a list of power words and attaching to them images one would like to see. And then setting them to script. Add in numerology. Namely the law of the scriptless. And attch that to the calendar. With trued attaention of the clock. A triple layer. The forth layer consist of “surface appearance” and the various association that can be implicated.

From this the mind can pick up various interconnected patterns. Swaying through layers to near 500 000 posibilities. 27 to the power of four.

That be fun.

There’d have to be a rule for the stance of each letter depending on its position in the power word. As if the E-fool was kept. All words starting with E. E is a complex number. It extends at length to an infinite object. Whether. Its a stop sign or a go. Remember there are no go signs. Ever. Is a power word. It includes all. Or excludes all. Never ever. Every- thing-one-body-time.. Extend. Extinguish. Endeavour. And one may see the difference the second letter fallowing E has in shaping to harmony. Though i dislike how endeavour starts with an end. Like end favour.

Which is…. Cool, considering the E card for the above is found inside the Emperor. Standing for letter F. One can fallow the predesvribe order. And focus on changing the image itself of the emperor to the scripts antagonist. Since you know Fuck, is an Ever word. And fail. Fall. Feel, fleet, fly, finger. Fish flow. Fact. Fun. So F isnt so Fun at the 4th level word. Or so dumb crap like that. Its late im tired. And my ass is still “sensible.” Im afraid to go near it.

Hm, guess the only thing i was ever ment to focus on in life was sex. 6 years old. Not allowed not to be. Its just keeps coming from without. Wtf, right? I dont know. Theyre jsut going to keep doing it. And i may be out of a job again. Because people wont leave me be. I dont want to get drunk and killmyself. Thats a shitty way to go. Id rather a gun.

Its time to send me a sexy Adreian. All chill and relax and sensous. Fill me up good. All inknownis sex drigs and violence. Indont knwo anythign else. Im not allowed to. Ive never felt loved before. Not from a person. Only my angel. Only from an animal.

My butt is gonna be so tight. He’s gonna love it. Im no stranger to the dick i was born and bred for this shit. Over 30 years training. You’ll never go back. Oh rats. I finished on pussy. God dammed it.

Thank you lord, god and father. For being there for all results. May your graceful light dance on the wind and kiss my cheek. Awh, i blush lord, god and father. Be you a presence of obtained bounty in mine air.

Amen.

I can prey better then you can mother fuckers.

Or like P for the hanged man, hanging there. Its head, aburst with light. Happy little guy. Poor poor hanging penis. Its tied there. Just a little snip.

Yeah’ my doctor snipped me. Wifey doesn’t like the downlow process of pairing plastic. And no more kids! Am I right?” O dont know my life is beign wasted away in an artifical program to turn me into a women for beign intentionally destabilized? Well hate to beat you to the punch but your thirty years too late. I fixed that shit. That shit was wrong. And i know its not my fault. And it still osnt now. Wow. Look at that. Its true what they say about reach arounds. Uh. I mean come arounds.

Truth in misery and all that.

Maybe if the world stoped killing my “prayers” id post soemthign other than bs.

Awh yeah. I think my gas broke. I got a shit baby to deliver.

🤷🏻‍♂️

#Spotify

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -

[indigo474]

Saturday-long run-

My runs are getting longer and taking more time. An hour - i was running about 35 minutes. my music still will not play when im running. ive tried to figure it out to no avail. it's so frustrating. i'm left alone with my thoughts. my breathing- my shoe was making a weird noise today- and i had to blow my nose on a leaf... i forgot tissues again. i checked the temp before i headed out and it was 35-- warm.. hahahaha.. 45 is hot. 20's cold.. i thought of my uncle chuck today and how when i was little her taught me the right way to paint my finger nails. that was the type of kid i was- i didnt ask how to do things.. i just did them and figured it out.. from a very young age. there was no one paying much attention to me. my mom always said children should be seen and not heard.. i dont even think they saw me. i was a good kid.. i dont even know if my uncle chuck is still alive. i wish i cold thank him.. for seeing me and teaching me how to paint my nails.

i spent some time with Mads today. always a good time.. mostly always. she likes working 3rd shift.. so far.. next week will be the real test as she is scheduled like really overnight. i'm glad she is happy.. but ughh.. i feel better knowing she is home,safe with me at night. i really do not like her out all night. she said the people are weird. i am done Christmas shopping and looking forward to a relaxing day tomorrow and Monday- i'm working a few hours on xmas. today was a good day. i feel blessed- happy - peaceful- my car is acting weird again.. months and months of it running good and today the dash decides to light up. madison said something about aunt paula.. we started taking about paula and how she basically hated kevin.. i was telling madison how it was normalized- the brothers being assholes was normal.. ohh thats just the way they are.. im convinced paula is an abused person. without a doubt.. it brings up a lot of things for me. once you see the truth you cant unsee it- how is it that i spent over 20 years with someone and knew nothing about him. i dont think there is much to know- he was and is just a shell of a human. nothing real to get to know- he of course knew nothing about me- his made up version of who i was/am.. bipolar like her mother. i can hear him say it. i have come to terms with my role in michael and meghan's life. i'm sure there will be a time when the pain of what is brings me to my knees- again.. i dont know much about anything but i do know that the pain does stop and i am able to find my peace again. acceptance- how many times in my life have i wanted things to be different how many times? ive spend decades wishing things were different- things are the way they are. i think of madison and how she has handled things. i know it hurts her. i'm proud of how she's handled herself and the pain she feels. i hope Michael and Meghan can heal themselves and live with the decisions they have made. how can 1 man cause so much damage to so many people? if i didnt live it i wouldnt believe it.

Madisons friend was telling me how her family has needed a kitchen table for years. I told her that someday htey would get a kitchen table- it takes time- i waited over 20 years for a dining room table. sometimes it take time. I feel bad for her friend. its just a bad situation. the mom doesnt food shop.. there is never any food in the house. maddy's friend had to have her hours cut at work because her mom would get less welfare. how is anyone supposed to better themselves? an uphill battle for a young girl that already has years of trauma behind her. i thought about x today more than i have in a long long while.. maybe because of the conversations i had wiht madison.. he actually told my children i was a sex addict.. i wanted to have sex with my husband.. who the fuck tells their children that. its difficult to not blame yourself when the person you're married to doesnt want to have sex with you. there must be something wrong with me..

someday.. someday.. he will get what he deserves.. eventually, we all do.. tomorrow... run.. i need new sneakers. i'm running longer and my feet are swelling up. i'm not sure-i'm hoping its normal.. i'm gonna need to do something. i dont think ill be running 13 miles by spring. i finally figured out how to use my fitbit.. to actually track my run. hopefully i'll remember to use it tomorrow. i'm excited for tomorrow- tomorrow feels like Christmas to me. i heard someone say my name at work.. i actually said who called my name.. no one..

one of my co workers gave me a bottle of wine.. i gave it away. my mom asked me if i wanted a bottle of champagne wiht out even thinking i said no Mom i dont drink. she said oh good.. i do worry that in the dating world not drinking can be seen as a red flag.. i'm not dating but if i was.. if someone does think not drinking is a red flag,i guess they arent my person.. alcohol is actual poison.. i think not working out it a red flag so there's that.

[sajaffery]

2...

i choose to use the word type theere because this isnt wrting. this is just typing. infact its not even typing because im still thinking as im writing this its the wrttten down equivalent to talking. there doesnt seem to be a word for that. not one that i can think of anyway but there should be. were unable to edit our conversations the words that come out of our mouth when were talking to another person which is what im doing here ineffect. im speaking to the millions and millions of people. maybe not millions because tumblr is a dying medium. like all the good ones. except mybe facebook. i’m glab ffacebook is dying. that what everyone says anyway although i find it hard to believe because i can still see mark zuckerberg’s smug little billionare face evrywhere . shit i just miss spelled everywhere and i had to physically restrain myself from correcting it. but no i wont. i cant. because ive aleady said it. ive already said it to every tumblr user. is there a verb for that? fuck is it even a verb? or is it a noun? i cant remember. dead white men dead white men. who cares i dont. im brown and im very much alive. i cant edit the words that come out my mouth so i refuse to edit the words that are coming ut of my hands. i like that. im a craftman whi works with his hands a nd words are my trade. shit i should have said tradesman. well i can say it now. because thats what i would have done if i were saying these words. but i dont say words. i just write them. and if they were good enough to come out my hands then theyre good to be read as is. definietly not good enough to be published on a actual physical paper ofcourse because that costs money. (ignore that a) and resourse are finite etc etc. i studied economics so i should know. but publishing on the internet is free. and we like free. everyone likes free. so that what i’m doing. im starting to lose my train of thaough here. so perhaps i should stop for the day, but i cant for some reason. and i just read back over what i wrote. im not sure if i can do that because when you lose your train of though in real life youre unable to physically go through it word by word to…find it? do you find yoyr train of thought? that really doesnt sound right but it must be. what else could be the oppisite of losing your train of thought. dead white men and theire proverbs. who needs them. i felt pride and being able to remember the word proverb there. but i shouldn’t!!!! fuck english grammer and its impreialistic agendas. i refuse it and i aim to use this…blog..oh god that was painful to write, because i usually hate bloggers, theyre always trying to sell something to you. and yet they none of them look like willy loman, who is the only salesman i’ve ever felt any kinship towards. a literary refernce there to make myself feel good, even if it was a cliched one. but yes i suppose this is a blog even if id like to tell myself its not. but ive just decided to make it long enough to no longer be considered a blog. im just going to keep adding to it. after all the whole point of a blog is to have a point. yech that came out terribly but i cant edit it! oh battery running low. okay okay okay think. and…i cant of course…because that how it always work. but i can stop typing. because i can stop talking. theoretically. but i cant reread. and im losing that fucking train again.