#ive me a reason so i don't spend my day wondering what i did again. and i thought you were different. i thought i was finally going to be

[umbrarkzoo]

work was slow so i wrote a short story about my human au with a prompt requested by my friend- she wanted to see puppet and lefty kind of reconciling/getting along

“I’m really mad at you”

“I know.”

“I have frequent thoughts about hurting you.”

“I know.”

“You don't even have to be doing anything, your existence just fills me with rage.”

“I kn-”

“You know. And you do nothing about it. You never do anything.”

“I don't.”

There was a long pause, and upon realizing her cage was not going to retaliate, the woman loudly groaned in annoyance. God he was such a pain in the ass. Never did anything except blink once in a while, or play his stupid songs to “calm her down”. Well she wasnt calm! Who could be calm after being kidnapped? Much less in the company of such a boring person. 

Okay in his defense hes not realy himself is he Mari? She thought to herself

I dont give a fuck whatever he is - his company SUCKS

….

It sucks so bad im arguing with myself just for some entertainment. God screw this guy. 

Maybe he knew she was in a bad mood and thats why he let her out - “just for a couple minutes” he said…

“You make very strong facial expressions when you’re thinking. I wonder what youre thinking about?” The man said, his yellow eye tearing into the empty black voids she called her eyes.

oh now he wants to talk.

…

“I was thinking about how much you need to work on your staring problem, you look stupid….and creepy.” She responded- baring her sharp teeth at him.

“It’s a requirement of my job.” He responded, emotionless. 

“To look like a fucking creep?” 

“Well that… I guess… and to look after you. Always” He paused, as though in thought. “Especially after all those stunts you’ve pulled in the past.” He sounded a little annoyed. Interesting…

“Yeah well - sorry but im not about to make your job easier when it comes at the expenses OF MY OWN FUCKING FREE WILL” she yelled into his ear - just to once again get no reaction.

“You’ll get it back.” The man responded as though his ears and head were not ringing currently. 

“The time we spend together is only temporary, maybe one day you'll look back on this experience and find it was somewhat enjoyable? Just relax a bit…. For both of our sake. “

The woman was about to yell at him again for his ridiculous and very delusional suggestion, but decided she should spare her already raspy voice from more abuse. Silent treatment it was if he wanted to be an ass. 

His brow furrowed just slightly at her unusual reaction - or lack of.

“Well if it makes you that uncomfortable, I'll focus my eyes on other things from time to time. No promises if you make another escape attempt though.”

Still silence. 

“I’ll give you more time out of the “cage” too?”

Silence. 

“Okay that was messed up to say-”

“RAAAAAAAGHHHHHH CAN YOU EVER JUST SAY SOMETHING USEFUL” she betrayed her poor vocal chords but jesus this guy can never just-

Okay no, you need to calm down mari. Be calm. He is your captor- he is unpredictable. One minute hes a literal blank piece of paper and the next he starts acting like he has a personality-You know that. Hes never genuine so dont give in. Dont get angry, maybe he wants that. Be calm. Be caaaalm. 

“Ahem…” she paused. “Nevermind. Maybe its better that you stay mute.”

The man blinked.

“Oh so thats why youre mad. Ive been keeping you in the dark haven’t i?” 

….

“Yeah. literally too.” 

Okay did he smile a little just now or am i going insane-

“Well…” He started. “I suppose I could make your experience less boring by answering some questions. Just as long as you dont tell the Security Puppet or Mr. Emily-”

“Tell me about mr. emily please!” She wasted no time. There was something about that man in particular, something off. She felt so hurt whenever she saw him even though she had no idea who he was. 

“I.. Please tell me. Im not gonna say anything. Hes your boss right?”

The man looked to his side briefly, as though he was pondering something. 

“You could say that.”

“And hes the reason why im here right? Hes the one who asked for me to be here?”

“Well, he didn't really know about this whole… situation… until recently. The Security Puppet. That stripped lady. Shes the one who wanted you from the start. For Henry.”

“Oh….his name is Henry Emily?” She looked to the floor.

“Why does that sound…so familiar?” she whispered

If she had looked up, she would have noticed the very noticeable expression of discomfort that plastered itself on the larger man. He was in a great conflict with himself whether he should tell this woman everything or stick to what he was created to do. 

He ultimately stuck to the latter and remained silent. 

Screw finding answers right now, her heart started hurting. Why did she feel like she wanted to cry? She needed a distraction. If this guy saw her crying - he’d probably use it against her…

————

“Okay and that bitch who stole my look then. She created you?”

What a comment. He almost wanted to laugh. But he had to stay stoic…

“Yes,” A pause. “She is indeed the bitch who created me.” Well he could break a little bit of character one in a while. He deserved to treat himself at least a little. 

And now he wanted to laugh even harder seeing the surprised face on the small woman. He deserves a raise for how much composure he has really.. That is, if he was even getting paid in the first place. 

“Okay then….” she furrowed her brows at him. “So if I was to extract revenge on everybody whoose ever wronged me.. She would be a perfect target then, right?”

Okay now he was really starting to like this girl. If only he could drop his persona and offer to help her.

“Well she did kill me for the sole purpose of capturing you.” He internally smirked at her gasp of horror, “disemboweled me and did cruel experiments on my body for this mission. Im pretty sure Im going to get incinerated after I’ve completed this job too,” He said nonchalantly to the look of horror and rage that was forming on the womans face. If he couldn't hurt SP himself, he could at least give this captee more encouragement to do it for him, “All of this was her idea anyway, so I suppose that yes, she would be an ideal target. Though you didn't hear that from me.”

—————

Wtf….oh god no wonder this guys so weird- hes just like me!! And that BITCH shes just like william! William….. Oh that name…

——————

Her raged expression calmed itself, to the disappointment of the large man. Maybe it was immature but he was somewhat hoping shed explode right then and there and make him take her to the security puppet where he could witness a good show…. maybe join in if the brainwashing fully went away….

“You poor thing….” now her expression was turning somber. “You poor, poor man…” Tears began to form in her eyes.

Okay he wasnt expecting this….should he have kept his mouth shut?

Her shoulders started to shake and he could hear faint whimpers as she tried to control her emotions. She curled into a ball before him and started shaking back and forth.

….yeah he should have just kept his mouth shut.

“Theyre still doing this to us…” She muffled as her hands covered her face, “it must have hurt you so much… what she did to you…what they did to us,.....”

“Ummm” How was he supposed to approach this….. he didnt know she could cry.

“..how many more deaths will it take for this nightmare to end” She cried out. “DAMN HER!! DAMN THEM ALL!!!” her sobbing became louder

He really did not know what to do right now- wow this took a sudden turn.

“My friends, my family… I lost them all because of monsters like her….”

oh

“Im lost now you know. My brother…Fred…he’s not here to guide me anymore…That green man burnt them all”

OH.

“And im just a shell of myself now… I dont think Ill ever be able to leave it…. I lost them.. I think it was ‘99? What year is it anymore…”

“2017.” he blurted out, almost immediately regretting it. 

“Oh.” 

It was a rhetorical question wasn't it?

—————

The shock she was in distracted her from her pain at least. She just layed there, exhausted from her outburst, staring at the night sky before her. 

She just kept breaking her promises to herself. Now this man knew her vulnerabilities. And honestly, she didnt care anymore.

She didnt want to be paranoid. She didnt want to be angry. Not at him, not at Security Puppet, not at ….henry, not even at william. She was so tired of feeling. Numbness was all she wanted.

————

The man just sat next to her and looked up with her. It was a beautiful night. They could forget what just transpired for now, for both their sake. She was embarrassed in a way, but he didnt seem to hold anything against her.

I dont think he’s all that capable of judging me anyway.

A long time had passed, the woman's tears subsiding, though her messy makeup marked her pain for all to see. 

They sat in silence for the next couple of hours, until the man spoke up.

“Miss?”

She hummed in acknowledgement.

“What do you want me to call you if not Ch- if not that other name.”

….

“Just call me Puppet for now.”

Another minute of silence.

“And what should I call you?” She asked. 

It was about time they both introduced themselves properly anyway.

“.....Lefty” He responded rather sheepishly. 

…..

“Lefty?”

“Yeah?”

“You have a really stupid name.”

Away from her vision, he grinned at the sparkling sky. 

“I know.”

#Me dumb au #Theyre not entirely friends but they wouldn’t consider each other enemies :] #Sorry for grammar issues lol i wrote this in one sitting and i dont feel like editing x-x #btw its obivous something bad happened to lefty since hes a literal walking cage- #What triggered maris reaction was knowing it was security puppet who did that- like theres another william out there

[futureplayboibunnie]

Sexting your lover, doctor strange, who had to portal too you in the middle of the day for a quickie, because you got him so riled up.

‘Quickly’

Dr Strange x fem! reader

PROBS ONE OF MY FAVES IVE DONE SO FAR. tysm for the idea love u <33

SMUT SO MINORS SHOO x

Your fingernails tapped at the panes of your wine glass as you glanced at the clock in your apartment. Carding your fingers through your hair, you let out an exhale of boredom until your small sips of the scarlet Tempramillo turned into large obnoxious gulps.

Your day was filled with tingles.

Literally.

You found your thoughts straying away from your normal mundane everyday tasks with your very special and...talented friend, Stephen Strange. You would be doing something normal and then remind yourself of what he did to you the night before, it made your thighs tingle and your cheeks flush. You couldn't exactly explain to anybody the reason to why your head was hung low and why your teeth were knawing at your bottom lip in attempts to conceal your shit eating grin. The thrill of secrecy was what made your relationship that much more sexy.

You needed to taste him again. But he was busy.

He made hard work of letting you know never to call him or text him when he was working or on another ghastly, death dependant mission; though you never really drilled the consequences of it in your head. If he calls for you, forever you'd stay. You dabbled with the idea of sending him some naughty pictures- you'd pay good money to see his face blush in the moment of imminent danger. Maybe you'd call him, breathe and moan into the phone and whisper sweet dirty nothings as he tries to stifle his desire for you while he was out on the field. Feeling dangerous, you paced around your apartment as you grasped your phone and called him. You knew he'd be furious but isn't that what you wanted?

‘’I'm busy. I told you not to call me while I'm working.’’ Stephen clenched his teeth in annoyance at your endless disrespect. When he felt the glare of his phone screen light up, he knew he'd have to entertain you and your antics; he was spending his time disintigrating a few cosmic enemies but you wouldn't give him a choice. You were relentless.

‘’I miss you.’’ You whispered through the phone, needing to feel the richness of his voice in real time and not just through a phone line.

‘’What?’’ Stephen rasped at you and you could just sense that his eyebrows were creasing in anger, seething at your inconvenient timing but mostly startled at the fact that you called him for once.

‘’Come here.’’ You flicked your tongue from your front two teeth, exhaling out seductively. Your breath was all honeyed and rosy, you knew he wasn't going to give in that easily.

‘’I'm busy.’’ He stated all deadpan after hearing a pained grunt in the background, your thighs tingled at the thought he was literally obliterating some goon whilst being on the phone with you. You felt so important to him.

‘'I'm wet.’’

Stephen's eyebrows quirked at the statement and his mouth fell dry...or was he drooling? He couldn't figure it out let alone decide. You were getting off on saying all of this at such an inconvenient time and he wondered how wet you'd feel after he spanked the disrespect out of you, you made him look like an idiot in the middle of working and his expression was anything but kind as his muscles were tense from frowning.

‘’Get yourself off, I'm not dealing with you right now.’’ Stephen found the rest of his sentient composure to bark orders at you and stop you from distracting him from such a perilous pursuit. You pouted and he could practically hear it through the phone, you obviously didn't get the answer you were attempting to draw out of him; you paused for a moment.

‘’Why would I get myself off when you can make me feel so good all by yourself? Besides, don't you want your hands on me when I'm right here... waiting for you, wanting you more than anything?’’ You countered and Stephen felt himself melt at such articulate words, no one had ever admitted to him they wanted him so desperately and it made his heart thump through his chest. He sighed in defeat.

‘’Come on. We went at it for hours yesterday. Are you not worn out?’’ His voice was hushed, almost as if he was embarrassed and scared for anyone to hear him.

‘’I. Want. More. Stephen.’’

He hung up before he was about to get hard on the battle field, he was frustrated and aroused at the same time now and it was an undeniably toxic combination. His mind was pacing the kilometeres of multiple countries, he was being pulled to every direction but he couldn't really care because all he could think about was you. The way you sounded. The way you breathed through the phone. The way he could practically envision the array of positions he could have you in by now.

Stephen was mad at himself, mad at his lack of self control when it came to you but sometimes disorder is needed and you for one pulled him into that sphere. When he thought he had the slightest chance of getting over that little stunt of yours, you obviously had to go ahead and prove him wrong by any means. The immortal pings of your constant texts made him believe you were now trying your hand at begging which he found impossibly adorable...but that wasn't the case.

Fuck. You.

Honestly.

You sent him a multitude of pictures, completely bare in your stance and so obviously pleased with yourself. Perfect tits, perfect body, perfect face...everything about you was so perfect. Except when you try to cock tease him out of his duties and obligations. Devil disguising herself as a naive little angel. The thought of you naked had the whole world tipping on its side.

- Have I got your attention now?

Seriously. Fuck. You. He thought to himself.

Stephen couldn't say no. He was struggling against your siren like disposition.

Fuck it, he bit the dreaded bullet and conjured the portal that would lead to the demise you had been cruel enough to beg from him.

There you were, unforgiving and naked wearing nothing but a half smile as he stepped foot into your apartment. A wet dream wasn't even in the ball park of where you were right now. You made your way over to him and you were so close your bodies could barely fit a pin between you.

‘’Quickly.’’ He gritted and you responded by encompassing your lips onto his, sighing as you finally got a taste of the release you've been craving. It was as if Stephen was despairing, a moral battle between his consciousness and his rationale against his dick and heart. He felt your lips curl up into a smile against his.

He bit at your lips and chin in repose, his mouth travelling to the slender curve of your neck made you sigh in relief.

‘’You knew what you were doing.’’ He groaned before hoisting you up and carrying you to your bedroom to fuck the living daylights out of you, you were more than asking for it now.

‘’Of course I do.’’ You exhaled as Stephen threw you on the bed, unremorseful of where you landed.

‘’You know just how to do it, isn't that right baby.’’ It wasn't a question or a statement but a very unhealthy middle ground. He'd never called you baby before. Baby sounds so intimate and it made your cheeks flush crimson. '

‘’You know just how to get me this way. To make me want you this way.’’ Stephen said bitterly as he began undressing himself. Even when you've seen Stephen's body a million times you're still rendered speechless when he exposes the ripples of his chest, the bulk of his biceps and the sheer size of his cock. You were sprawled out on the bed waiting for him to wreck you into another dimension and he reckons you look like a fallen angel all for him to savour and have.

‘’I think I just know what you like.’’ You bit your lip and stared up at him through your thick fluttery lashes. Stephen fawned over you and grasped at your wrists and held them in a tight iron like grip above your pretty little head, he bent his head down and bit at your hard nipple and it made a gasp erupt out of you.

Stephen's hard glare was a response in itself. He didn't give you any forewarning or preparation as he rammed himself into you recklessly, you wanted to rough up his hair so bad but his fingernails were gripping into the skin of your wrists. The small gasp and the intense eye contact you made when he sunk into you was his favourite part of these little moments he shared with you. Your whimpers were becoming louder and louder as he moved over you in a rough, unrelenting and unceasing rhythm. He kissed your lips and it felt like you were done for.

‘’Dear God Stephen. You're so big it hurts.’’You whined against him as he stretched your insides out deliciously, he perked up at your struggle to even speak.

‘’Good.’’ He seethed. It was his turn to punish you; you risked his life by being such a cock tease but it seemed you liked being punished so brutally the way you began to whisper your own dirty little words.

Yes. Fuck me. Right there.

Though what really did him in was: ‘’You're so fucking good Stephen.’’

It was him that was making you feel like this, this good.

Although his favourite was: ‘’I don’t feel bad for any of it.’’

You just had to reinforce your bad behaviour that much more to prove a pointed that didn't need to be proven. You felt so invigorating, he couldn't remember the last time he wanted someone so bad it would make him portal his way out of his work just to be with them. Stephen's skin was on fire. His muscles were tense. His body moved in and out of you with no abandon, the heat gathering and spreading from his cock to the side of his neck, the place where you were biting at now like an animal. You called out Stephen's name in a broken whine as your hips bucked beneath him.

‘’Beautiful, horny, impatient little fuck.’’ He snapped and spat at you and it made your mind echo in thunder as your body convulsed beneath him, feeling your release come to fruition. Pleasure pulls tight in the base of your abdomen and you felt the coil begin to dissipate.

You screamed out his name, toes curling as your orgasm hit you harden than a brick. A breath shuddered from Stephen as he painted your insides with himself, he was still throbbing at your disposition. Wide eyed, tensed brow and mouth agape in an ungodly amount of pleasure. You clung to him as wild eyes met each other, exhales of arousal escaped both of your throats. It was as if you had never done this to each other before the way you were gawking at each other. Your tongue slotted against his, you bit his lip sharply and tugged it back before ultimately breathing the words Stephen would treasure for the rest of his days:

‘’I want you inside me forever.’’

—-

#dr stephen strange #dr strange angst #dr strange fluff #dr strange x fem!reader #dr strange x y/n #stephen strange smut #dr strange smut #stephen strange

[shinesurge]

your custom cassettes are really really cool! ive been thinking about making custom cassettes for a bit, would you be willing to share what kind of paper you used for the label stickers and j-cards? also where do you get blank cassettes from? ive been looking at cassettecomeback but i was wondering if there was a better option.

Thanks a lot! They're really fun to make hehe

So full disclosure: I run a merch shop for my webcomic and I make most of my stuff myself in my studio. I've been doing this for the better part of ten years and over that time I've accumulated quite a bit of specialized, expensive equipment like the photo printer and cutting machine I use to make my cassette ephemera. THAT SAID mixtapes don't necessarily need all that!! Unless you're running a bootleg business on etsy or somethin I don't think you and your friends gotta run out and spend a ton of money to make these (beyond tracking down a deck and a player, obviously).

Unfortunately most of these items are found on Amazon because I'm a professional artist trying to Live, but if that's something you'd rather avoid buying through I'm listing the brick and mortar places I can find them when I need to for whatever reason!

My j-cards are just the 8x10 glossy photo paper from Pen & Gear, it's usually less than ten bucks a pack at walmart lmao. I use it with an inkjet photo printer! There are plenty of laser printer options out there though, which is probably the type non-artists have access to. Honestly I think the look of black ink on colored copy paper is super cool for handmade tapes, especially between friends.

My sticker paper was a bitch to find and I'm not sure if it would be useful without my specific equipment, but it's this glossy adhesive photo paper from some rando company called LDProducts. Literally just called "Sticker Photo Paper" pf. It's more expensive but I get it in stacks of a hundred because I print tons of stickers for my shop. Again, glossy adhesive paper might not be useful without a big boy printer but MATTE sticker paper is everywhere, that's also pretty common to find at walmart or at the very least at an office supply store; you can print on it or even get out some markers (not sure i'd suggest anything besides ink tho, I'd be worried it could come off and damage the player). I design the labels in clip studio and then load them into cricut so it's super easy to get the right shape every time, but if you're Determined you could get out a measuring tape and an xacto knife and get similar results.

I've only found my tapes on amazon unfortunately, and it's been a while since I bought any because I sort of inherited a bunch of sealed ones when my dad died and i'm still going through them lol. Almost all my custom ones are 90 minute Sony High Fidelity, last I checked you could order them in packs of five or ten but I'm not sure what the prices are like rn. If you REALLY want to get fancy with colored shells/custom lengths i did find this cool site you can order from, Duplication.ca, but the shipping is kinda rough. One of these days I wanna make some cassettes for my webcomic and I'll drop some money on some pretty ones then, but for now the Sonys are treating me fine so I haven't dug too deep.

I hope something in here is useful! I'm always happy to share what I know but again, I'm very fortunate to have access to quite a bit of stuff most people don't and I try to be up front about it alskdjf. Cassettes are best when they're sorta janky and handmade tho, it's kind of the whole point, and if they're just for you or someone you care about then marking them with a sharpie and masking tape is just as cool in my opinion. probably cooler. everybody should put music on physical media and trade it i think.

#i'm glad you liked my stuff!! good luck!!

[dainty-fingertips]

Hello! Sorry for using your private messages the first time, but I was wonder what would the sinister six do at the beach with the reader.

of course!! i love the beach trip trope hehe >> i don't know if this is what you wanted or not, but i'm gonna write this in the tssm! ss x engineer! reader series ive been doing :DD

||

tssm! sinister six x engineer! reader at the beach

Oh my lord,,,,,,,,

not sure how you managed to find the time to convince the boys to go to the beach with you, but it happened

they were,, uh,,, surprisingly cooperative?

Rhino/Alex O'Hirn was a bit iffy on the whole beach idea and reasonably so

i mean, homeboy has massive metal plating over everywhere but his face

howeveRRR,,,,,, puppy eyes are his weakness, and ya know,,,

He does wear swim trunks and they have the most obnoxious pattern on them and he is adorable the entire time

finds little creatures for you both to admire

"Ay, ay Yn!! Check dis out!! [is holding a sea urchin]"

"How did you get that, Alex??"

":DDD"

Flint Marko/Sandman, on the other hand, was really excited!! this was his big chance to impress you with his super sick sand tricks

impress you he did (even though it was nothing new, you were very supportive of him)

He is very grinny around you already and hearing you gush about how sick his powers were at the beach made him an absolute MESS

again, we see how a little kindness can work wonders on an attractive man in his 30s that has been touch starved since high school

"So, er, do ya wanna see me,, do it again?"

"Yes!! I had no idea you could do that!! I wish I could have powers like yours, Flint."

"<:,)) tank you, sweethaht,,,"

Montana/Shocker absolutely found the skimpiest pair of swim trunks he could but he never touches the ocean

He spends his time at the over-exaggerated tiki-themed bar on the shoreline offering to buy you all the margs your heart could desire

The entire day he complimented your swimsuit and how pretty you looked in it

he was sobbing inside behind a mask of smirking confidence

please kiss him

now

"Happy 'our starts in'bout 30 minutes. Wanna wait around wi'me, doll?"

"Sure thing. My legs are a bit tired, so it'll do me some good to sit with you :))"

",,,,,,,,,,, wantmetokissthemandmakethemfeelbetter"

"what"

Adrian Toomes/Vulture wasn't fond of the ocean, either

He and Otto spent their time at the beach under a large umbrella talking about science and crime and other assorted questionable topics for the beach

look bro

the moment he saw you he had to get up and walk away for a second

give him a breather alright

as your employer he order you stop looking so beautiful RIGHT NOW

seriously you're making his blood sugar rise just from how sweetly you're smiling you gotta stop this

He brings a book or two but can't read them for your company with him

"I must say, you look stunning in that swimsuit, Yn."

"Aw, stop. You'll make me blush!"

"Maybe I'd like to see that."

Otto Octavius/Doctor Octopus was equally as infatuated with your newfound beach attire, but masked it politely (unlike Montana, who could learn a thing or two)

He invites you to sit with him and admire the ocean from slightly afar beneath the umbrella

definitely checks up every so often on your sunscreen. homie does NOT want you getting sunburnt

should you get sunburnt,,,,,, well, i'll save that as a little sickfic idea for another time

he is absolutely enamored with you the entire time

"Can I offer you a towel to dry off with, dear?"

"I was going to get back in a little later, I just wanted to come sit with you for a little bit, Doc. :)"

"Ah... your company is more than welcome. Tell me, how has your day been so far?"

Max Dillon/Electro was busy building sand castles a little farther up from the water.

you felt just awful that he had to wear his suit to the beach the way he did, but you understood the danger otherwise

to make up for it, you spent a lot of time with him!!

long conversations about this, that, and the other lead to the single most architecturally impressive sandcastle the world has ever seen

(flint helped secretly)

he was all grins with you helping him out which is a rare feat from someone as hurt as he was

you couldn't believe how good he was at building these, you eneded up building like,,,,, three more

"but then, i turned the corner and realized i'd made it out of the maze somehow, and i was just wandering around this guy's - oh, this is nearly as big as you, Yn!!"

"Finish your story!! Were you just in his house??"

"O-Oh! Well, effectively, yes! I had no idea how it happened!"

overall an absolute whale of a time

absolutely smitten

every one of them

#doctor octopus x reader #doc ock x reader #doc ock #electro x reader #max dillon #max dillon x reader #tssm doctor octopus #otto octavius x reader #x reader #marvel x reader #the spectacular spider man #adrian toomes x reader #the vulture x reader #the sandman x reader #flint marko x reader #the sandman #the vulture #the rhino x reader #the rhino #alex o'hirn #tssm montana x reader #shocker x reader #tssm engineer reader

[8bitsupervillain]

End of the Year 2023! The Games I thought were kind of bleh.

The Mehs of 2023

I decided to start things off with a relatively inoffensive idea. Once again for your personal enjoyment and perusal I offer you the Top Ten Meh Games I played in 2023.

10:BlazBlue: Entropy Effect

It's a side-scrolling hack n' slash roguelite affair. It's pretty decent, and I check it every couple months to see what changes they make, and it's been pretty good with the most recent updates. Admittedly I played this for very shallow reasons. It's got Blazblue characters in the game, and that was enough for me to give it a shot. If it didn't have them I probably wouldn't have given it the time of day, but it's got Ragna, Noel, and Hakumen in it, so I was interested. Sure, I apparently am not "a real Blazblue fan," (my favorite Blazblue game is Crosstag, and the only other one I played was Continuum Shift way back on the Xbox360, I think I played one on the 3DS as well?) but I enjoy this game pretty decently.

09: The Callisto Protocol

I played this one at the very end of 2022, and I actually had some small consideration to putting this on my top ten. In the end I decided against it, because I played it a little bit more at the start of 2023 and I felt myself getting more and more fed up with the game as I played it. It's fine. There are some rather amusing combos you can execute over the course of the game, but overall I just recall feeling basically nothing as Callisto went through its story. I don't know if there's any real intention to make a franchise of The Callisto Protocol, but if they do I feel pretty confident in saying there's nowhere to go for the series but up. The game has a very solid foundation it can build off of, and I would be interested in seeing where a potential sequel would go from the first game. Not every horror needs to be a psychological horror thing, sometimes it can be just as effective to have gross goopy monsters try to violently and bloodily murder you.

08: Diablo IV

I admit that I went into this one expecting it to not be particularly great. I haven't been a particularly big fan of the Diablo games for the past decade and a bit if I'm being perfectly honest. Around the time of Diablo IV's release I distinctly remember being particularly let-down by Diablo III, and being absolutely flummoxed by Diablo Immortal. So morale wasn't particularly high for IV upon its release. Despite knowing full well I probably wasn't going to have a wonderful time with it I bought Diablo IV regardless. My problem with the gameplay of Diablo IV is it's just kind of dull. In the thirteen years since the release of Diablo III there has been a lot of improvements that other Action RPGs have made to the genre. Diablo IV plays its own game it seems and largely just plays a lot like D3 while ignoring advancements that other games in the genre have implemented. I admit that maybe my issues largely stem from the fact Diablo IV decided to go entirely open-world and try to lean on an MMO style of gameplay. Although there was one thing the game did that I found genuinely neat. If you have an RGB keyboard the game actually takes advantage of that to dim and illuminate keys when your abilities are either on cooldown of available for use. This is another one of those "I'll probably go back and finish it next year," games.

07: Atomic Heart

More like Atomic Fart! I then proceeded to spend the next eleven hours patting myself on the back for this masterful display of wit that has never before been seen on the internet. Really though I tried playing this game for over two hours, and every time I played it I was just overcome with an intense desire to be doing literally anything else. What didn't help was that every time I played the game the thought of "man, I wish I was playing a game that didn't have bullshit gun leveling in it" also entered my mind. Yet every time I wound up playing Resident Evil 4 instead, shrug. Who the hell knows, maybe I'm doing myself and the game a disservice by stopping at two hours and fourteen minutes, and the game will be an absolute masterclass of wonder and design. But given how every single thing I've ever heard about the game is simply the horny fridge I don't think I'm losing anything by cutting our time short.

06: Hololive Error

Perhaps it's because I'm getting older but I don't really have a lot of patience for the walking sim variety of horror that crops a lot these days. At least it's not a jumpscare marathon where every time you get caught by the ghost vtuber the game screams at you. I just don't jive with these types of horror games I think, I just don't find them particularly scary. They lack that certain energy that really lends a game a sense of dread. There's also the fact the game glitched out and broke a few times across my playthrough that I think affected the spooky ambience it was trying for.

05: Fairune

It's fine. Kind of boring if I'm being perfectly honest and I absolutely hated the final boss because it changes to a completely different type of game than it had been up until that point. I bought it as part of a collection with the other Fairune games, but if I'm honest I probably won't play those. It's a retro style RPG sort of in the visual style of one of the oldest Zelda games. Instead of having to actually press a button to do combat, or getting into a battle system you simply instead run into your enemies. If you can't hurt them, you bounce off, if you can hurt them, but you're underleveled you take some damage, and if you're stronger than them you just plow through them with nary a pause in your stride. Since it styles itself like a retro game the game is cryptic and vague about what to do, and where to go. Even with this lack of handholding however you can and probably will finish the game in less than five hours. The problem is I just found it pretty dull, and felt it wore out its welcome by the final boss. I briefly entertained this for the bad games list, but honestly it's not really, I just wouldn't recommend it for anything above a sales price of five dollars.

04: Starfield

I kind of feel like this one is cheating because I admit I really didn't put too much time into it. Perhaps the game really picks itself up after the opening five hours, I don't know, and I really have no intention of finding out. After the first time you find yourself in a space dogfight I was hit with a sudden and intense feeling of dear god I would rather be playing literally anything else. Because I know that the game is not going to be just this, it's going to be the usual boring Bethesda first person shooter combat they've been putting out for their last three games. I don't want boring ground combat I want thrilling space combat, and I know I won't get that here either. So after another couple of hours of trying to find the fun in this game I decided simply to move on. I wonder if my feelings would've been stronger in either direction if I'd been anticipating the game at all. Nothing about any of what they had shown prior to release made me excited, it just made me give it a dismissive "okay," before moving on to something else. Usually the next announcement or teaser trailer for whatever game was coming up next, because I never searched out Starfield information I only ever saw anything during the various video game presentations.

03: Ghostwire: Tokyo

I feel bad relegating this to the list of the mehs. For the first few hours I was having a grand old time with it. The combat was smooth, the graphics were nice, the atmosphere was lovely. Problem is that eventually I just hit a point where I decided I was done with it. Some of the monster designs are neat, but really that's all that stands out as particularly good here. The gameplay is fine, I remember the movement feeling really nice as you make your way around Tokyo. But it's a bit thin, and I don't think it was very fun.

02: Superhot

A controversial statement to be sure. Superhot, in the meh games list?! Why with its unique gameplay how could I dare? Because I didn't like the story constantly interrupting the gameplay that's why. If there were less story and more shooting I think I would have liked it a lot more.

01: Tron: Identity

It really breaks my heart that the game is simply… fine. It truly does. It has so much going for it! A wonderful art style, a good premise, a nice ambient electronic soundtrack, but unfortunately it doesn't save this game. The story is a moderately interesting one, but the game really doesn't use it to any great effect. It just sort of meanders around until you stumble your way into one of several very unsatisfactory endings. I don't know what it was specifically that hampered down the story, because the writer for the game, Mike Bithell, has written some amazing video game plots in the past. Perhaps the game would have been better if the puzzle mini games were more interesting and varied, I can't say. As it stands this is just a crushing disappointment. The seeds of something great are there, it just didn't do anything to actually make it good, and that's incredibly disappointing.

#end of the year #game of the year

[frostbite-the-bat]

urgh. im not gonna be able to shut up about this now just due to how much it hurt me. i can't believe i got basically laughed at and belittled for not knowing how things work after FINALLY. ***FINALLY*** speaking up to my mom about my pains and how i should seek a doctor - not mentioning everything yet and just speaking on my hands and the carpal tunnel shit ive had for a year straight (notably, since i had covid!!!) and that i can't do much in a work place since that's what i'm in the process of finding. i was told if there's issues to speak up on them, but i cannot do that without anything from a doctor. i can't do that without the help of my parents despite being an adult now. if i did have the strength - i'd have to do it behind their backs and lie.

basically denied any and all support and laughed in my face, because "its because you sit and draw at the computer for 12 hours" and "its okay ive had this for 20 years and i work fine" nonoononon ur not supposed to be in constant pain!!! even if its caused by me being 'just unfit' and 'drawing all day' to the point i cause harm to my hands - it's still pain to be looked at!! even regular ol carpal tunnel should be checked!!

but for me it took me a year to realize it's more than that and almost my whole body is affected and i'd like to not only have it confirmed by doctors - but also get help that way!! i cannot work normally like this!! i coudln't do that even at practice (where i had way less rights i mind you. i couldnt do anything i was under the thumb of my teachers. at work i can just..quit.)

finally after everything...i speak up. and what do i get? laughed at my face and belittled. as always. this is fucking why i don't trust anyone. this is why my parents don't know anything at me. i'm a joke to them. anytime i speak up about anything small or big - i am ignored and pushed to the side as either "too sensitive" or that "thats not a problem". seriously all health problems to show up are ONLY treated at home. never at a doctor.

oh try to set boundaries? omg ur so sensitive i was JOKING ur so whiny. so sensitive. arent u an adult now? jesus.

like do they realize this is the reason why i don't speak up ever. why i am the way i am? just because you can't see it or feel it doesn't mean it's real. just because it 'CAN BE CURED AT HOME' doesn't mean i shouldn't see a doctor about it. (not to mention my mental health - physical health issues are more frequent. my emotional needs and my boundaries and comfort has always, ALWAYS, been ignored and belittled)

i know literally nothing about how this world works, i cannot just leave, i'd doom myself. that's why i gotta deal with this a little longer. and it's fucking agonizing especially as of today to have even more confirmations that my issues aren't gonna be taken seriously. oh im too hyperactive and silly to have REAL problems.

i fucking hate this and i'm getting really bad thoughts again, ones that i haven't had in forever. like. if i was hurt more people would listen to me, finally. like hurt and abused harder or having some accident happen to me. maybe then they'd listen. i wouldn't let that happen, of course. but i think about it sometimes. maybe then it'd be serious enough for me to be taken seriously, too. i'm so tired of this.

is support from the only people i have in my physical life aside from my ONLY friend too much to ask for? i'd say 'then they wonder why i spend all day online', but thankfully they never ask. in fact, they let the internet do the job of raising me for them for the most part!

it's a fucking mess.

#vent #also anytime i speak of my parents #i usually mean mom #i never speak to my dad he speaks to me first #i have very bad issues with my dad hes not a good person #i avoid him #but if i ever wanted to set boundaries theyre ignored. theyre a joke to him. its a game for him to break them then laugh. then make #himself the victim when mom and i stand up against him being an jackass. #fun!

[desultory-suggestions]

Hey Evan! You always have such good replies so I thought you’d be a good person to ask! Essentially, how do i choose recovery? Ive been so reluctant to put in the work to get better and I don’t understand why? Do you have any advice on how to wake up and choose to put myself first? Or maybe some insight into WHY I should choose recovery? Any advice/ feedback/ positivity would be appreciated!!

Hello, love! This is a wonderful question, thank you for asking me. The truth is that choosing recovery is different for everyone. Regardless of how you do it, it will be difficult. However, it will also be worth it. I chose recovery sometime inbetween my mother finding out that I had an eating disorder and talking to my doctor about it.

For me the reasons were two main things. First, I don't want to hurt my friends and family. My eating disorder made me angry. I was tired all the time, I hated my life, I hated myself. I took that out on the people around me in so many ways, some I only now realize I did. I broke myself away from everyone who loved me. I decided I wouldn't do it anymore, that I would not let myself be alone. That I wouldn't teach my little brother and cousin that they should hate their bodies too.

Second, I was tired of living that way. I was really, really tired. I had been screaming for help for so long. Begging "hear me please hear me, someone help me please" and no one came for so long. My eating disorder was my world, an ugly, painful world. It wasn't fair, I wnated more. I wanted to live like all of those happy people and have a good life. So I decided I was going to. What? Is someone going to stop me? Because the biggest thing in the way was my disorder. I decided I would kick it's ass.

It was really hard, I spent a long time unlearning everything I had done. But now I don't count calories, I don't cry over food. I struggle with my body but I don't spend everyd day hating it. Life is better in every way. Recovery really, is something you choose over and over again. You wake up today and decide to do the hard thing, and every day it gets a little easier. If you're tired, if you're hurting, if you just aren't sure. Wake up and choose recovery. Find a therapist, sharpie over calorie counts on boxes, eat and cry but keep it down. I know you can do it, you deserve to be truly happy.

-Evan

#asks #anon #ed recovery #choose recovery #eating disorders

[ma-gic-gay]

A few hours, two kisses, and one nap later, he begins plotting his escape. It mainly consists of signing a discharge form and then hunting down Cyrus. Then, he'll kill him. Fairly simple, and does provide a good distraction from the chaos his personal life has become. His business/mob life has been fairly normal, no new competitors yet.

"What are you planning?" Carly asks, looking up from the iPad she's probably planning Morgan's return from the dead party on.

"How long until I can get out of here?" Hospital rooms inspire him to run very far away from them. They keep him cooped up, they're boring as all hell, and there's really no choice as to who can walk in at any given time.

"Probably tomorrow," she answers and he groans. "It's not the end of the world, Jason. It's one more night in a hospital bed." Debatable. It's a whole twelve hours, minimum.

"Or I could just sign my discharge form now and break out of here."

"No, you need to stay at least for tonight. Break out tomorrow."

"I don't want to."

"Just let them monitor you. Sleep. You won't be able to do much out there anyways. I'm pretty sure the doctors are going to tell you to relax and take it easy, which means taking a short leave of absence. Brando can handle it for a few more days."

"There could be a takeover-"

"Not without any talk. Come on, if I thought there was any threat, I'd be breaking you out of here myself," she reminds him. "Take a nap."

"I'm not sure that's the best decision." Actually, it's more time that he'd be a suspect in Cyrus's murder (that, rest assured, he will commit) and more time Cyrus gets to breathe the same air as him. "Stop the thoughts about it being unsafe because you're not going to be able to do anything. You're recovering from surgeries and a gunshot wound."

"I'm perfectly capable of doing everything," he responds, fidgeting again with the stupid IV. He'll break that thing out of him if that's what it takes.

"I'm sure you are, but stop pouting. Sleep. Take a nap. Enjoy your break from reality for a day or two and just relax," Carly reasons. You know it's bad when Carly's being the reasonable one.

"This isn't pouting, it's captivity."

"No one's holding you captive."

"I'm being forced to be in a room against my will. This could be a hostage situation," he says dramatically.

"Well, as cute as your pouting is, you're spending the night. Take a nap. Enjoy it," she smiles. "Oh, and by the way, you're not killing Cyrus."

There's a lot to take in there but we'll start with the obvious: "I didn't even say I was planning on it."

She rolls her eyes, "You didn't have to, I can see the plan formulating in your mind. No murder. Cyrus will live for the rest of his miserable life in prison without you sending someone to rough him up or kill him."

Sometimes it's a shame how well she knows him. It genuinely sucks sometimes because she can read him like a book. No matter how successful he is at hiding everything from, well, pretty much everyone else, she just rolls her eyes and lets him know exactly what he's doing. Half the time, she knows before he does. The other half, she's informing him it's normal to express your emotions.

"I don't think he should even be able to walk around," he admits, struggling somewhat to voice the hatred he feels for the other mobster. "I've wanted to kill the guy for years, ever since I laid eyes on him. Going after you, kidnapping and raping you as some sort of sick revenge against me was the last straw."

"It was stupid to go after me and he'll pay. For the rest of his life, he'll be in prison. Solitary, you said. He can't run his business in solitary. Cyrus will never be able to hurt me or anyone else again," Carly says, grasping his hand and squeezing it. "He's a piece of shit. I look forward to the day he's in jail, serving his sentence. But it's probably going to be a few weeks."

"Which provides plenty of opportunity-"

"He lives. You're not going to jail because of him, Jason. Cyrus isn't worth it, alright? I don't care if he dies tomorrow. If you go to jail, I'll have to break you out of there myself and that probably won't go too well," she laughs at that. "So, save us all the paperwork and don't kill him. Besides, I confronted him."

She- confronted- "You did what? Carly, that is a man who could kill you and threatened to! He's very much capable of keeping that threat! Did you want to die?"

What inspired her to go confront her kidnapper/rapist? What made her think that was the sane thing to do while he was unconscious in a hospital bed?! She could've died and he can't have that happening because it'd be his fault. It's also such an ugly thought he can't stand to think of it. Carly cannot die.

"I brought guards, I threatened him, I yelled and screamed, I also cried for a while," she summarizes. "And to answer your question, I don't have a death wish. There's children I have to take care of and I'm not done complicating your life yet. I've got at least ten more years left in me."

"You confronted a man who could kill you."

"With guards, Jason."

"That doesn't make it okay! Carly, you can't act like there wasn't a good chance you could've died! You can't reason with people like Cyrus, you can't go in on your own."

"I. Brought. Guards."

"And they could've died too. He took out a whole group of them once, an entire warehouse of the Novak crew."

"You're acting like I didn't know what I was doing! I knew exactly what I was doing and it was either that or wonder if you'd live to tell me I'm being stupid again, Jason. Which choice would you have made?" Carly asks, tears building up in her eyes. No, he's mad, don't start crying. That'll make him sad. No crying, Carly, please don't. "I'm not so unknowledgeable when it comes to the business, you know."

"No, but you don't know how the business works. Things like that, impulsive things, they get people killed! They're the things that cause people to die and not the type you can come back from. You can't be doing things like that and pulling stunts like threatening Cyrus. He has nothing left to lose, which means he has everything to gain. If he can kill you, which is what he wants to do, that'll be a win for him and a final way to get back at me. That's what he wants and you're playing right into it." Jason exclaims. Emotional outbursts are rare for him, which probably made the point more clear. He hopes so. Losing her-

That's a thought almost too painful to bear thinking of.

"I was worried you would die! Jason, I couldn't spend another hour in this room or getting harassed by Sam. I needed to do something, make some statement," Carly argues and he shakes his head. Does she not get it? She could've died.

"And you couldn't go to work at the Metro Court? You had to go and confront a man who wants you dead almost as much as he wants me dead, Carly! It was stupid. You could've died."

"I was safe-"

"You don't get it! Doing that, no matter how many guards are there, isn't safe. I don't care if you had the place full with guards, he wants you six feet under and he wants me even further. What if he shot you? What if he hurt you? What if he killed you?" Emotions just seem to flow out of him like water does down a river at this point, anger and hurt and worry and sadness all combined into one.

"He didn't-"

"Not this time. Next time, he could. You could've gotten hurt or killed or shot at and I'm not going to be the reason for that."

"Well there won't be a next time."

"How can you be so sure about that, Carly? You don't control him. He's his own person; he does what he wants, exactly when he wants, exactly how he wants. And he could've hurt you."

"Every single time you agrees to one of those meetings with him or left to go, seemingly, anywhere, I thought the same thing. He's tried to get to you a million times. But you didn't die."

"I didn't die because I'm aware of the intricacies of the business! You're not and, as much as I'm grateful you're not, I can't have you running around picking fights with people who want you dead, who want me dead."

"Do you want a fake apology?" Carly snaps. "Do you want me to pretend like I didn't know that? I'm all too aware of the fact that everytime I leave the house, I could get shot at and die or that everytime I see you it might be the last time because of your line of work. I am intimately familiar with the anxieties of waiting in a hospital room to see if you're going to wake up or not from yet another injury. You're acting like it's my first day as someone who cares about people in your line of work and you're wrong. It's not. I knew damn well what I was doing and I know you would've done the same if they'd shot me."

Well. He didn't think of that. Anger sort of half drowns inside of him, flopping but still very much there at her beyond dumb move. "You're right. I would've killed him if he'd shot you or hurt you. But that doesn't make that you get to go out and pick fights with him because you're worried. It means you've got to be careful, stay in groups. It means-"

"Don't tell me what I should've done."

"What would you like me to do, congratulate you? Congratulations, Carly, you could've died! You could've died and if I woke up to that knowledge I don't know what I'd do."

"You'd keep surviving. Probably throw yourself into the business even more, to a point I don't think it'd be healthy." Carly shakily says, clearly having thought about it. "You'd tell Donna all about me when she started to forget I existed."

"You've thought of this?" Jason asks, incredulous. "You've thought about what I'd do if you died?"

"When we thought you were gone, I thought about what you would've done if roles were reversed."

There's a solid 20% chance she's pulling at his heartstrings right now to get sympathy and it's working. 100%. She could be completely playing him and he'd believe it at this point.

He hugs her as best as he can in the hospital bed. "I wasn't dead. You're not dead, thankfully. But you can't take risks with your life, not like that. Your kids need their mom. People need you. I'd miss you."

"How nice, I sobbed myself to sleep for weeks because you were gone and you'd miss me." Tugging at the heart, yet again.

"Oh come on, Carly. You know what I mean."

"Yeah, yeah I do."

It's a strange bond they've got (and a strange life he's got), but at least they can count on one thing: their friendship. Hence why kissing and stuff can't mean anything or complicate things. They've been in each other's lives so long, if they dated or something and it went south, he doesn't know if they could bounce back. And that's a terrifying thought, that they could be,,, not friends.

To be continued after I change my tampon and sleep because I'm fucking tired :)

@ryleighjosephine

[milknette]

day 01 - cafe

i'll make a cup of coffee, with the right amount of sugar.

tumblr month: @auyeahaugust

links: ao3 | ff.net

i.

MARINETTE doesn't exactly know what makes her answer yes.

Maybe it's from all the overnight shifts she's been taking, or the coffee fumes she's been inhaling daily finally taking a toll on her brain— or maybe it's because he's the most handsome man she's ever seen walk into her cafe (fact: it's most definitely the third reason), but Marinette can't bring herself to say no to him.

And as things always come with her, a well-intentioned yes easily snowballs into a mess of epically huge proportions. (Though in her defense, she doesn't know that yet.)

Marinette plasters on a smile directed at the customer. "Of course we do!" She replies, noticing a little too late that her voice is a notch higher than usual. "It's just that we don't— uh, have it now! Out of stock, haha, y'know how restaurants go… well, maybe you don't, but there's this thing called supply and demand, and… I mean, I don't want to assume you're dumb or anything— in fact, you're probably a lot smarter than me I went to a fashion university, can you believe that? Like, I went abroad and everything. I learned a lot then, but—"

Horrified that she was tripping over her words, Marinette inhales deeply, then wills herself to stop talking. "— so, anyway! We'll probably have it in stock some time soon, so come back then, okay? I'll have a piping hot coffee ready for you to drink with those pretty lips of y— I mean! Maybe I could call you when you can stop by?"

Marinette only has a moment to reflect on how suggestive that may sound before the customer laughs, effectively breaking her thoughts from spiralling any deeper than they already were.

"Sure," he says, and Marinette briefly wonders if love at first sight has more truth to it than others may believe. "Can I have your phone? I'll put in my number."

His voice is smooth and confident, and Marinette feels the burning need to disappear into a puddle. She hands over her phone gingerly, and takes a moment to appreciate his arms as they type away at the screen.

He returns her phone and smiles. "I'm really lucky I stopped by your cafe. I didn't think there was any place in Paris that had it available," the stranger explains. "Even when I was in America, it was already hard to get a hold of. So thank you…"

The stranger pauses, then looks down at her nametag. "Marinette." He nods his head toward her as a gesture of appreciation, then disappears out the door.

The moment he steps out of her cafe, Marinette feels her knees give out and falls to the floor.

And as she always does when she makes a mess of things, she calls her business partner.

"Alya, I may have messed up… again."

ii.

"What the hell is Kopi Luwak coffee?"

It's a valid question, and Marinette has no idea how to answer. After all, she doesn't actually know what it is either. "His order?" She answers back (completely unhelpfully).

Alya sighs, then pinches her forehead. She's the more level-headed one from the two of them, and therefore the one who always has to fix whatever mess Marinette had gotten into at the time. They're at her office— Alya usually handles the more managerial parts of running the business, whereas Marinette is more on the production of food and drinks side — as she inputs the term into the search bar.

The results are quick to show up:

KOPI LUWAK: THE MOST EXPENSIVE COFFEE IN THE WORLD!

Their faces consequently morph into ones of expectant horror. Alya clicks on the link, and has to visibly stop the sudden gasp that escapes her throat. The cost of one cup of coffee ranges from $35 to $100, with a single kilogram of beans worth almost $700.

Marinette almost snatches the mouse from her hand as she quickly scrolls through the article, clinging onto the (very likely futile) hope that it's probably someone's terrible idea for a joke.

Unfortunately, it isn't.

Alya's the first to speak up, and it's a simple question. "Was our customer a millionaire or something?!"

"I don't know!" Marinette responds, panicked. "I mean, if he were it'd make sense why he's so attractive but he never said anything!"

"Why did you say we provided this?! We can't serve hundred-dollar coffee, we're barely paying rent as it is!"

"I know, I know!" Marinette repeats, pulling at her hairs in stress. "I just thought it was some other kind of regular coffee! How was I supposed to know he wanted that?!" She extends both her arms to point at the computer screen, then shakes her head. "Only an insane person would pay that much for a drink!"

Then, a pause. And in a quieter tone: "Why can't I meet normal guys? Is a cute boy too much to ask for?"

Alya rolls her eyes, then suddenly puts her hands on the table. One returns to massaging her forehead. "Okay, Marinette. We can't serve this to him. You'll just have to tell him the truth."

"But I can't do that!" Marinette frowns, as if the very notion of telling the truth is impossible. "He'll find out that I lied to him and he'll hate me and start going to another cafe instead!"

"— then you shouldn't have lied in the first place!" Alya points out, wagging her finger. "It's better to tell him now before he comes here again and finds out for himself!"

Marinette shifts in place, clearly uncomfortable with the idea. "Maybe we can find cheaper alternatives somewhere else?" She asks. "I bet if we ask our suppliers, someone's bound to grow those beans—"

"Afraid not, girl," Alya says, turning to look at the computer. "These aren't regular beans. Apparently they're made by—," she suddenly pauses, as her face contorts into one of pure disgust. "Ew!"

"What?" Marinette walks toward the computer and leans over, only to feel the need to gag upon reading what came next: Coffee beans are digested by a civet cat. Their excretions are sold as the rare Kopi Luwak.

"So you mean…" Marinette begins, shivering. "That this coffee is basically… cat poop?"

Alya looks at her solemnly, then nods. "Yup."

At that, they finally burst into laughter— though whether it's from entertainment, the absurdity of the situation, or the realization that she's helpless in securing a date with the stranger, or all of the above, Marinette can't tell at all.

iii.

They agree that Marinette tell the truth to the Cute (And Apparently Rich) Coffee Stranger even though it'll very likely ruin all her chances with him. Nothing is, as Alya says, worth spending hundreds of dollars on cat poop for.

Except that Marinette Dupain-Cheng cannot follow directions.

Instead, she contacts a special supplier internationally and pays almost a thousand dollars total to have a kilogram of the beans at her doorstep not more than a week later. (Marinette finds comfort in knowing that the coffee doesn't smell like actual feces.)

She messages the stranger, who left his contact name as a single coffee emoji:

hey we restocked and are ready to serve tomorrow! can you drop by? :)

The reply is almost instantaneous:

That's great! I'll stop by in the morning. Thank you so much!

Marinette reads and rereads that message until she finally falls asleep.

iv.

For the first time since the history of her business, Marinette doesn't arrive to work late.

She doesn't know exactly what time the Coffee Stranger will arrive, but she knows that she doesn't want to miss when he does. Marinette takes the morning shift (something that all her co-workers were understandably surprised by), and she waits.

Coffee Stranger arrives an hour later.

He greets her good morning, and Marinette short-circuits. She reaches out her hand. “Hi! I'm Marinette!"

He laughs. "I know," he says. "Maybe you don't remember me? I gave you my number. I'm the one who asked for the Kopi Luwak?"

"Sorry. Of course I remember! I could never forget you," she replies— blurting it out, to her complete horror.

Coffee Stranger, thankfully, doesn't look all that bothered. In fact, he looks entertained, more so than anything else. "Great," he responds, the smile still on his face. "Then I'll have that."

Marinette nods, and she gets to work on his coffee. She gets it done quickly (Marinette had practiced making it at home; pleasantly surprised to find that it tasted wonderful), and hands him a perfectly hot cup of coffee. "That'll be… eighty dollars."

She cringes at the cost, but the Coffee Stranger pulls out a hundred dollar bill without hesitance. "Keep the change," he tells her, as he takes a sip. "This is even better than what I've had before! Definitely worth more."

The barista blinks in disbelief. "You really think so?" She asks, to which the stranger enthusiastically nods. Marinette feels her body buzz with joy from the sudden compliment, then she points at the macarons on the counter. "Here," she begins. "It's on the house."

The stranger looks up in surprise. "Are you sure?"

Marinette smiles. "It goes great with the coffee," she explains. "I think you'll like the passionfruit flavor. It mixes well with the cat po— the Kopi Luwak."

"Perfect," the stranger responds. "Passionfruit's my favourite flavor!" He grins, then pauses. "And… it's Adrien."

"What?"

Coffee Stranger's eyes go up to meet hers. Green. A forest of green she wouldn't mind getting lost in forever. "My name's Adrien," he says, reaching out his hand to hers. "Nice to meet you.."

Marinette suddenly feels her throat dry. She suddenly forgets that she spent a thousand dollars just to make him happy. It feels worth it.

"Nice to meet you too."

v.

Adrien quickly becomes a regular.

He makes it a point to stop by whenever she's working, sometimes having his coffee to go, and other times staying in to do his work at the cafe. Marinette likes those times the most— and she almost always sneaks in a little macaron or some other snack to help him get through the day. It's small and short exchanges, but they learn more about each other and that's more than enough to make her happy.

She finds out a lot about him. He's kind. He has a sweet tooth. He lives with his best friend, a DJ. He owns a cat. (He clarified, however, that all he does with Plagg's feces is throw it away.) He's rich, but it mostly came as savings from his younger years. He was a teenage model, but nowadays he prefers being the one behind it. (A waste, Marinette thinks, but she respects his decision.) His mom's gone, and he doesn't speak much with his dad. He treasures his friendships more than anything.

Adrien tells her that he treasures their friendship. Marinette's smile doesn't quite reach her eyes when she thinks about how that's all they'll probably be.

She willfully ignores Alya's unimpressed looks and how her bank funds steadily drain into the danger zone.

vi.

At some point, Marinette can't ignore it.

The bank tells her that she can't withdraw anymore, because her funds are almost completely depleted. She paces back and forth her room, visibly stressed. Her current bag of coffee beans would likely last her a few more days— but afterwards, it'll no longer be an option.

Alya says that it's easier to tell the truth.

As per usual, she's right. Marinette promises to herself to talk to Adrien when the coffee's gone completely.

vii.

"I was lying to you."

Marinette decides to be upfront, delivering the statement along with his final cup of coffee.

"What do you mean?" His look is serious, and it's a complete change of pace from how he usually is. It makes her stomach so uncomfortable turns and her knees buckle together in fear.

She sighs. "I was… lying about the coffee." She says it quickly and in one breath, and Adrien's eyebrows knitting together makes it clear that he understood none of it.

"About what?"

"The coffee!" Marinette basically shouts, then pulls him aside as they notice the customers pile in line. Another co-worker takes over, and throws them a concerned glance before focusing on their task completely.

Marinette brings Adrien to one of the empty storerooms, and when they settle, he speaks up. "What do you mean you lied about the coffee?"

"We never sold Kopi Luwak," she explains.

"No," Adrien argues. "That's definitely what I've been drinking, though?"

"Yeah," she replies, shaking her head. "But the cafe doesn't officially sell it. I was taking from my savings to buy the coffee abroad and make it for you." As Marinette says the words aloud, she begins to realise how outlandish the very idea was.

"What did you do that for?"

Marinette frowns to herself. "I guess I just didn't want to disappoint you… or something." Her cheeks redden, and she looks down. "I wanted to see you again too… I didn't want our only meeting to be that one time."

Marinette thinks she hears a hint of laughter, but it disappears so quickly she may have imagined it. "You know," Adrien begins. "If you wanted to see me again, you could've just asked." He smiles at her, but it looks almost sheepish. Adrien scratches his head. "I mean, I was really only ordering coffee so I could keep meeting up with you."

What?

Marinette fumbles over her words. "You… me… meet up?"

Adrien laughs, full-blown now. "Yeah. I thought you were cute. And when I got to know you better, it was just… I couldn't stop myself. I might have caffeine overdose, but I think it's worth it." He turns toward her and wraps his arms around her waist, and Marinette finds a laugh escaping her throat.

"Been having trouble sleeping, then?”

"Haven't slept since the day I met you," he replies. "But I don't mind, because you're a dream come true."

Marinette rolls her eyes at how silly it all is. "That's corny."

"I like to think of myself as a corny jokes and puns connoisseur," he explains teasingly. "Maybe you'll let me tell you more over dinner?"

"How forward of you," Marinette laughs, but nods all the same. "I just have to warn you, I'm broke from all the coffee beans you made me buy."

He smiles. "Then I guess I'll have to pay for all our dates from now on?"

Marinette hums, then grins lightly. "I wouldn't be against that."

"Then it's a deal." He replies, suddenly looking at her directly. "Want to seal it?"

She has a vague idea of where he's going with this, and the smile practically blooms on her face. "Yes."

It doesn't take anymore waiting until he kisses her.

(And she's glad to say that he tastes like roasted coffee beans and a warm fire; not at all like cats or feces or anything of that sort.)

#auyeah2020 #mlauyeahaugust2020 #auyeahaugust #auyeah august #adrinette #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #ml #miraculous ladybug #milk writes #ml fic #ml fanfic

[kittybennett]

your choice | anti-soulmate au where they weren't born with soul-mates and they meet in a group where other people who don't have them meet-up. and they come to the conclusion that they're not weirdos for not having them. cause they have the group and each other jhskfjksdf - @malcolmbrights​

ok i’m sorry this turned REALLY long but here we go.

aka: five times ev didn’t go to support group and one time she did

i.

Evelyn Reyes spends much of her sixteenth year of life staring into reflective surfaces in the vain hope that she will find a soulmark has bloomed on her skin while she wasn’t looking. Most people are born within them, though it isn’t entirely unheard of for the matching tattoos to make themselves known in the years between childhood and adolescence. A teenager already, Evelyn is a rarity, late even by the most generous of time frames, and this makes her a repository for her peers’ pity. She takes to wearing long sleeves even in the sweltering heat of summer to avoid questions, but finds that it’s all people want to talk to her about. No matter how they phrase their comforting platitudes or prying questions, it all sounds the same to her.

Are you scared that you might be utterly alone? How relieved I am that it’s you and not me.

Evelyn hates them all, but most of all she hates the guidance counselor who calls her into her office to offer ‘support’ and gives Evelyn a flyer for a group of people with deceased soulmates. It’s not the same, the counselor explains, but those in the group might understand what Evelyn is going through. They can sympathize on how horrible it is to not have a soulmate.

Her cheeks burn hot. She shoves the flyer into the pocket of her hoodie and begs to be excused. On her way home she tears the flyer into little pieces and throws it over a bridge, watching the pieces of paper flutter and land on the river below while angry, shameful tears prick at her eyes.

After that, she stops checking her body for new marks.

ii. The first man that Evelyn loves also takes pains to keep covered up. Unlike Evelyn, he actually has something to hide: a bright blue tattoo of a bird in flight. The space where it adorns his forearm is usually bandaged lest Jamie’s eager admirers find a way to replicate it and render the mark useless.

When they lie together at night, Evelyn traces the mark. It’s the closest she’s ever been to one that didn’t belong to either of her parents, and even at a young age she knew not to ask questions about theirs.

“They weren’t soulmates.” Evelyn tells her lover one night. “His died when they were little — childhood sweethearts. And my mom has never talked about hers, but I know he’s gone too. She wouldn’t have married my father or had me if she thought he was still out there.”

What she doesn’t confess hangs in the air. Jamie addresses it anyway.

“You know that’s not the reason you’re like this, right?”

Evelyn is silent but the finger that was tracing his mark stills.

“Evelyn. It’s just bad luck. Seriously.” He tilts her face so he can stare into her eyes. Jamie is rarely serious, so this sudden sobriety makes it difficult for Evelyn to hold his gaze, but she does. “Bad things happen to lots of people, and it’s not the end of the world. My cousin is widowed, and he remarried and—“

Before he can finish his story, Evelyn kisses him. And kisses him. Her distraction works.

That night Evelyn prays for the first time in well over a decade: asking for a blue bird on her forearm. ( She breaks up with Jamie a week later. Better to get out with her heart mostly intact. She never does find out what happened to that cousin of his, though sometimes she wonders if she should have let Jamie finish. )

iii.

“Would it kill you to write something happy for once? Just one ballad about summer love, or getting dicked down?”

Evelyn frowns. “You know I’m not the bubblegum pop type.”

“That’s for sure.” Her producer sighs. “Listen, you’re good. But can’t you just write a love song that isn’t super … intense and depressing? Give us something fun and light-hearted for once.”

“What if I haven’t felt that?”

“Then pretend, or talk to someone who has.” The producer fixes her with a look between pity and sternness. “Seriously, Evie. Don’t come back here without a love song. And get a therapist.”

Evelyn returns in a week with a song about the thrill of a first glance and the intense flush of devotion that follows it. The song spends several weeks on the charts and goes viral after someone creates a Tik Tok dance for it, though none of that matters to sole inspiration for the song: Evelyn’s new cat.

iv.

Her second-ever happy love song is not as commercially successful, but it is inspired by a human being this time. Naomi is brilliant, and funny, and the most talented actress of her generation (according to a Vanity Fair correspondent but Evelyn is inclined to agree). The first time she refers to Evelyn as “the love of my life”, Evelyn spends the better part of a week repeating the moment in her mind.

Naomi really should have thought to mention the caveat.

Three years later, Evelyn laughs at something a precocious child on a television program says and asks, “What would you do if your child asked you that?”

Naomi shakes her head. “Pour myself some scotch and direct them towards their other mom, or dad.”

Evelyn is frozen.

Other mom or dad. Not you. Not the love of her life. Because Evelyn is only the love of Naomi’s life … for now.

Evelyn turns off the television program. “You don’t think we’ll raise children together?”

Naomi looks sheepish. To her credit, she picks her words more carefully this time. “Evelyn … be realistic. I love you so much but - someday I’m going to meet the real thing. You can’t ask me to say no to them for you.”

Evelyn feels the same hot shame she did when she was sixteen and finally accepting that she had no soulmate and never would. This time she won’t cry, not in front of Naomi. “I’m a person. Not your training wheels.”

She moves out the next day.

v.

Dating apps aren’t much different, as it turns out. She has way too many messages from people who assume that being bisexual means she wants nothing more than to fulfill the threesome fantasies of heterosexual couples, and even more messages from people who think that because she is “unmarked”, she isn’t looking for anything serious. To be unmarked is to be written off entirely as a romantic partner, or at least as a serious one.

She deletes the dating app, but not before she posts a screenshot of her DMs to her Instagram with a caption finally addressing the rumors that she is unmarked.

I've always been private regarding the subject, but I owe it to anyone else like me to be more candid about my experiences as someone without a soulmark. Yes — I am unmarked, but not unworthy.

That night she’s flooded with messages from others like her, who thank her and repost her message. It’s humbling and uplifting all at once and Evelyn is guilty that she didn’t do it sooner. She responds to as many as she possibly can.

( One message stands out among the rest:

@ teorror: hey @reyevie​  - if you’re in nyc, my support group would love to have you! we meet at [ …. ] )

vi.

In the end, it’s not another rejection or loneliness or even solidarity that leads Evelyn to finally try talking to others like her.

It’s pettiness, and a lot of annoyance.

A former classmate posts a soulmate announcement on Facebook in which the caption describes meeting her soulmate for the first time as the single most important day of anyone’s life, the center of the human experience.

It makes Evelyn grit her teeth.

She is indignant that anyone would not consider the pain and feelings of inadequacy those words might cause for unmarked youth like the ones she’s received messages from, or her younger self. And she realizes with a pang of regret: it’s not just social media, or dating apps. It’s also the songs that people like Evelyn have written, the films and books that saturate the market that convince everyone that no other kind of love or measure of happiness matters when compared to romantic love.

As much as Evelyn craves it, she refuses to accept that it should overshadow every other aspect of her life.

She scrolls through her messages until she finds the one from @teorror again, inviting her to join his group and decides to show up and prove her point, even if she’s the only one who knows it.

To her initial horror, the group is small. There are only three people there, and Evelyn is just about ready to turn on her heel and walk away rather than join such an intimate gathering when a man bolts from his chair with an overjoyed expression on his face.

“Hey! You actually came!” He goes to her, and offers his hand to be shaked. “Can I call you Ev? Guys! This is Ev! The singer I was telling you guys about? Come on, sit down.”

The man she’s guessing is Teorror (Teo, she’ll later learn) guides her towards the others and the other man produces a chair for her and introduces himself as Rico.

Mercifully, they don’t ask her to introduce herself first or talk first. The woman next to her (Claudia) does, then Rico and Teo. Eventually they all turn to Evelyn.

“You don’t have to share if you’re not ready, Ev.” Claudia says, adopting Teo’s nickname for Evelyn. “The first time can be overwhelming.”

Ev nods, but feels she should try anyway. “I’m Evelyn — and as I guess you’ve figured, I’m also an unmarked.”

Immediately, a shadow crosses over the faces of the others. Evelyn stops.

“We try not to use that word.” Rico says gently and Evelyn can tell he’s taking care to not embarrass her. “It isn’t good to define ourselves by what we don’t have, rather than what we do.”

“Tell us about you. Teo says you’re a singer?” Claudia coaxes helpfully.

Teo offers Evelyn another wide smile. “I used to call myself leftovers. Or spare parts. I thought it was really funny, you know? But they’re right: focusing on what you lack just sets you up for more pain.”

It’s something to think about. She’s back for the session next week.

As the months go by, she sees the group outside of meetings too, starting with a potluck at Teo’s and leading to drinks and mechanical bull rides with Rico, or sightseeing with Claudia. At first she wonders what it might be like to share a soulmark with one of them … to find a soulmate after all … but eventually, she nearly stops thinking of the marks altogether.

Those fantasies end entirely after another night of dancing, as they’re having greasy fast food and Teo slings his arm around her as he tells a story that requires exaggerated facial expressions and wild hand gestures. She laughs and almost misses the moment where Claudia returns to the table with her order and slides her a crispy taco (Ev’s favorite) and Rico picks at the tomato (which Ev’s hates) and places it beside his own burger so that Evelyn won’t have to. They know her well, she realizes, better than anyone. They love her better than anyone …and suddenly Evelyn feels overwhelmed with her love for them in return.

Here is the intimacy she’s been craving her whole life: a love that doesn’t ask her to define herself by it, or insist upon its sole importance. It simply accepts, and gives. 

Evelyn can only wonder why she ever thought this wouldn’t be enough.

#long post for ts #bc i dont remember if readmores show up on mobile #evelyn reyes* #tag later #mw*

[justinsdaysinthedark]

Post # 6 - It is what it is

I'd be lying if I said I haven't spent the past half an hour with tears flowing from my eyes staring at a blank screen wondering how I'm going to get everything I've got floating in my head out. I suppose listening to Coldplay live in Argentina probably wasn't the best choice of music to set the mood. I'll work on that one in the future...

Where do I start? It's been a question I'm often asking myself at the start of these blog posts and it's certainly not the easiest one. What do you guys know? There's been so much happen since my last post on Thursday night.

Friday July 26th: I saw my doctors around lunchtime who came in quite concerned. Whilst they were confident my lymphoma was one called DLBCL (Diffuse Large B- Cell Lymphoma), some tests had come back with suspect results that it could be a more aggressive and harsh type of lymphoma called Burkitt's lymphoma and if confirmed, chemo was starting that night with no time to waste. There was also one marked in the middle (a cross of the two) called Burkitt's Like Lymphoma which is treated similarly to DLBCL. Whatever it was, I couldn't change it. I just wanted answers and if treatment needed to start, let's get it underway!

Adam, my incredible haematology doctor sent off another test of my gall bladder to finally get the confirmation I was after. It was urgent. He had to know. It was reassuring of Adam to state "Justin, we need to know what this is. Preliminary results are due back later this afternoon and that will hopefully rule out Burkitt's. if it is Burkitt's, we'll start chemo tonight and I'll be with you every step of the way - even if I have to stay back a few hours."

I know doctors earn a fair coin on a lazy day, but how many give you that much confidence that you and your health is important to them? I'm going to have it a guess and say not many but alas, I am so incredibly lucky with the team of doctors I have.

4:00pm and Adam strolls in the door heading straight for my room. My heart drops, similarly to what it had when Michael dropped the news I had lymphoma. "Good news. Preliminary results are back and we're confident it's not Burkitt's. You can't rule out anything in life, so there still is a small chance it could be. We're happy to wait for the final results on Monday, figure out a treatment plan from there and start Chemotherapy next week. Spend Saturday and Sunday on day leave and I'll see you next week."

This was news to my ears. In a time of what has been negative or no news, I could spend the weekend with family relatively freely and forget everything was happening for a few hours each day. My Uncle Bob and Aunty Denise were down from Tasmania to see me, as was my Aunty AJ and cousins from Bairnsdale so it all felt like it fit into place.

Friday night saw me considerably more relaxed with this news...that was until Collingwood started and it was the demolition it was. Slightly humorous side note, the nurse came in around 9pm for my nightly observations. Naturally, my heart rate was up a bit more than normal watching the football (118BPM - normally between 70-85BPM). This caused the nurse to call in the team of doctors who wanted to put me on an ECG machine for the night and monitor my heart. I assured them it was because Collingwood were on and if they gave me an hour, I'd be okay. It took some convincing, but it finally worked. Back they came an hour later and it had gone down - crisis averted.

Saturday afternoon and evening was wonderful. I went down to dads for dinner and was fortunate enough to spend some much needed time with family over a beautiful dinner and good laugh.

Sunday was much the same. I went home, mum did a fair chunk of washing for me as I spent it being me. Seeing Courtney, napping in my own bed and even headed over to Fountain Gate and got some much needed new clothes and other miscellaneous items - something that seems so simple but is such a luxury when you've spent the past 15 days in hospital.

Monday July 29th: They say the more you think positively, the more positive news you shall receive....or it goes something like that right? I woke up this morning the most upbeat and best I'd felt in weeks. I felt fine. I felt no pain, almost like I'd woken up from a shitty hotel! In all honesty, I felt like I'm abusing the system however I keep being quickly reminded how much I need to be here. Did I wake up so positive because I lived my old life for 16 hours over the weekend? Is it because I was hoping to hear a reasonably positive outcome with this lymphoma test? Probably a mix of both if I'm honest. But whatever it was, I was hopeful.

Adam came around at roughly 10:00am. Didn't really have much for me in terms of news but more of an outline of the day. If they hear the results of the test they were waiting on, they'd write me up a treatment plan ASAP and get chemo started this afternoon. At worst, I'd be starting it tomorrow (Tuesday). They just needed that definitive answer of what type of lymphoma I have - an answer I'd love more than anybody.

Either way, we agreed i'd need a PICC (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter) line in which basically is a long-term cannula. It runs from the inside of my arm right up and around and stops basically just outside my heart. This is for easy access for the chemotherapy and even an easy exit for blood tests - something that's proven incredibly difficult to take from me over the past few days. Additionally, these lines can last up to six months verses the three days you get from a cannula. There were too many positives to say no to!

This wasn't scheduled for any time in particular, so 1:00pm came around and I was about to be taken to get the PICC line in.

Just as I was about to leave, Adam came in with a few words I'm all too familiar with. "Well, the pathology tests we were waiting on have come back inconclusive..."

Woah. Wait. What? How do tests of my gall bladder that was removed six days ago come back inconclusive? How does one of the main sources not have enough 'data' to tell them what sort of lymphoma I have? I was just stunned.

Adam continued "As a result, we can see some signs of Burkitt's lymphoma and that's what we're going to treat you for. You're young. You should be able to handle it and it's better to over treat you than under treat and be stuck where we are at the moment. It's an intense 16-day chemo treatment that will totally wipe out your red and white blood cells as well as your platelets. We foresee you being in here for another 3-5 weeks, depending on how well your body goes getting these levels back up to normal post this first treatment..."

I honestly say this but that's all I remember from this conversation. I was hoping I'd be heading home this week but looks like that definitely won't be happening. Today marks day 40 of the past 55 days in hospital (day 15 of this stint) and if I go off the longest suggested time expected, I have another 35 days to go. That honestly crushed me.

I got taken down to get my PICC line in - quite an easy process. Very similar to putting in a larger cannula, just a whole lot longer and uses local anaesthetic as well as being guided by an ultrasound and X-ray. I'm lucky enough to have two ports, which will hopefully speed up some of my medication and how much they can pump in. Does it feel weird? The only weird part was feeling it slide down past and near my heart - but that's okay now!

By the time I return, dad made his was in to try and help process the news. We get Adam in to once again explain the process. In layman's terms, I'll be starting an intense and high-dose 16-day chemotherapy program kicking off tomorrow (Tuesday) morning. Most of the time across the next 16 days, I'll be hooked up via IV drip getting whatever medication is required. I think I saw I have rest days on days 7 & 8 which I suppose will give me two days to look forward to. At the end of the day, it's something I'm not certain on and will be a day by day process and constant learning about what's going into my body to help fight with me.

I do have one request for you all. With my body not producing red or white blood cells or platelets over the next few weeks, I do request if you are planning to visit however are sick to stay away those extra few days. With my immune system going to be at the lowest it's been, I don't particularly want to pick up something I don't need. Additionally, as much as I'd love flowers, they're also banned due to the infection risk of the spores mixing with the chemotherapy and causing some dangerous damage from the inside.

At the end of the day, if you're not sure please message me and check as I'm not entirely sure myself about everything. I'm constantly learning as I'm going.

How am I feeling? I'm nervous. I'm nervous at the unknown. How will this affect me? How bad am I going to feel? Will I lose my hair? What will my energy levels be like? In advance, I do apologise if over the next few weeks I'm not myself. Truth be told, that's because I probably won't be.

In a way, i'm finally excited to start my treatment first thing tomorrow morning (after yet ANOTHER lumbar puncture). I was so envious of both people next to me getting their first rounds of chemo today. I know mine will be intense but I just can't wait.

I've learnt so much about cancer and chemotherapy over the past four days and I know there's so much more to learn. Today I learnt I'll be incredibly highly cytotoxic, which basically means all needles and anything used on me need to go in a separate bin just for me. Additionally, I'll have to get used to the good old double flush after the toilet to ensure all waste is disposed of. Mouth ulcers are a big issue with most chemo patients as well. I'll have to start brushing my teeth after every meal and taking a special mouthwash 3x daily to assist with keeping these under control. There's plenty of other little things, but they're two I least expected.

Everything really hit me last night....not like it did tonight though. I just had twenty minutes to reflect and it just became a sudden realisation. What I'm going through is real. It's not a 'joke' anymore. It's not something they're looking at as a potential cause. It is the cause. I have a legitimate medical issue and it's finally time to fight lymphoma. All well and good to be talking the talk like I have been - it's now time to walk the walk. This sits well with me. If I give somebody my word, I do whatever I can to get it achieved. Unfortunately for the lymphoma throughout my body I've given it my word and it's time to fight it. Round one begins tomorrow morning.

I leave tonight feeling a whole lot better than I did when I started tonight's post. I didn't learn from my words earlier as Coldplay live from Argentina is still playing however I'm in a much more comfortable mind space.

My best friend of a lazy 20 years, Dylan visited tonight with his partner, Jacqui. One phrase popped up more than most and they made me aware it was a common phrase coming out of my mouth.

"It is what it is."

I can't control what's happened to me as "it is what it is." What I can control from here though is how I fight lymphoma. Thanks for the visit tonight guys, I appreciated the two hours spent here in what's been an incredibly tough afternoon.

Much love.

Juzz xx

[jamiebluewind]

Thank You

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for being kind. I know some of you must be... annoyed that I haven't been sharing anything lately (I have too if I'm being honest), but nobody has thrown any hate at me for it and for that, I'm grateful.

I've been resting up since I got out of the hospital, a fact that has been driving me crazy if I'm being honest. Only so many hours in a day and I'm spending so many of um in the bed (doesn't help that dad fussed at me for it)! Then I tell myself that if one of you were in the same position, I'd be fussing your ear off for thinking such a thing and trying to get you to rest, so I'm trying to give myself the same courtesy.

I'm... hesitant to share what went wrong, not for embarrassment but because I don't want yall to worry. Then I realized that this post has probably already make you think far worse, so here goes...

WARNING: Blood mention, illness, body function mention, pain, menstruation, confusion, dehydration, (please tell me if I missed any!)

I got an IUD put in. I didn't want it, but my periods are bad and my insurance wouldn't cover just removing the parts before trying this first. It caused a lot of pain due to having nothing for pain, the person putting it in not knowing what they were doing, and them using silver nitrate without rinsing it off which gave me chemical burns on my cervix. I stayed in pain and they responded saying to take a tylenol and I'd eventually be fine. During this time, I bled constantly. Not a lot, but some. I also had my normal periods to deal with. I found out it was even effecting my mood and making me tired (hormones, constant cramping, or both, you be the judge). Two months in, I wanted it out. They said I just needed to tough it out and I would be fine by 6 months. I'm pretty sure my face did a thing that symotaniously screamed confusion and "fuck you", but I did as I was told.

In the meantime (during December and even now), my heater thermostat started doing something weird. I set the temp, but it would let it get down to like 55° F (12.7° C) at night when it was set on like 68 (20° C). During the day, it would get about 10° F warmer than what it was set (so like 78° F or 26° C). It was kicking on, but not regulating it how it was supposed to. I told my landlady, but they take for-freaking-ever! So out comes an electric blanket to keep me warm at night. I basically lived under the thing after the sun set! I just kept it on one or two so I wouldn't get too warm. I was also feeling crapy (*gestures to previous paragraph*), which meant more bed time than normal.

A few days before Christmas, I got a shot that was supposed to last a month and help block a nerve that causes migraines. I have debilitating hemiplegic migraines and the risk was very low, so I decided to give it a shot. The medication is very new and due to my rare form of migraine reacting atypically to medications, you would think I would know by now not to try medications that haven't been out long.

The fourth and final domino in all this was all the running due to the holiday season. I'm disabled and I have a weak immune system, but I kept pushing myself. I walked so much price shopping for things for everyone that would both mean something and not break budget (even when me left leg wanted to nope out) because Dad gave me a bit of money last minute to help me buy gifts and I only had a week. I wrapped gifts for dad and myself. I cleaned and did some baking. Then there was the driving and the great but exhausting time with family and playing catch with my youngest nephew until my arm was nearly falling off. When I eventually got back home, my whole body had this bone deep ache. Not like overworking muscles after not using them for a long time, but like I had the flu. This is on top of the cramping.

*Note: Some of the information past this point is things the medical staff told me happened, things my dad said happened, and texts*

I would get better and worse. Always worse when I first woke up (remember the blanket?). I went to dad's for a traditional southern New Year's meal. He said I was spacey, lethargic, and far more quiet than normal. My eyes had trouble focusing and I had trouble concentrating. I looked tired so, he made me sleep before driving home. I woke up about 3 am, drank a glass of water, drove home, wrote a post about it (which took entirely too long for me to write), and went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up and just... laid there. I was having trouble figuring out where my body was. It just felt numbed somehow. I called my neurologist thinking it was a side effect the the drug. I'm not sure what I said, but they made me go to the ER.

I'm not sure how I drove there to be honest. I do remember somebody honking. I'm glad it was close, but still. It's a wonder I didn't get in a wreck!

I don't remember much. A yellow floor sign. A woman writing with a marker. Another woman with brown drawn on eyebrows. A machine that had a small piece of that brown first aid tape stuck to it. A name that made me think of the green emoji face (which my normal brain has yet to figure out). I had trouble talking and thinking. I remember repeating "stay still" over and over the (I think it was) several times I was instructed to, because if I didn't, I'd forget. I'm pretty sure I left my room several times. I know I went to my car once. I remember eating food, but I only recall a pineapple cup because I realized partway that I had a spoon that I could use. I kept forgetting to tell them I was hurting when they asked. I had a headache and sick stomach. I also felt so cold and my feet were like ice, but I was running a low grade fever after all.

I started feeling a little better, but the doctor still admitted me. I had a white count, but they couldn't figure out from where. I messaged a few people to let them know what was going on finding typing easier than talking. I used that to my advantage and typed out my allergies to show a nurse.

They struggled getting the IV in, even on my hand. When it finally was in I was hooked up to fluids to keep it open. More blood taken to try and figure out what was wrong. I gave them what urine sample I could which was tinted (I couldn't help it). They had already done some type of brain scan (but I didn't remember it). I kept having minor dizzy spells, but I attributed it too all the blood they took.

They kept giving me stuff, but nothing helped my headache. It wasn't a migraine, but still very nasty. I was grateful when something finally seemed to help.

My nurse came back with lots of juice to go with my super so I'd have something to drink and a container of ice water. She was new to the hospital and hung around at times just checking on me and talking. Just a nice person. It was otherwise a lot of sleeping.

The longer I stayed, the easier it was to communicate, but the tests couldn't figure out why. They ruled out seizures and a stroke. A mini stroke was highly unlikely and didn't fit. They couldn't find an infection anywhere. My white count went back to normal. They couldn't figure it out.

That was until my nurse from the previous day came back. We just talked about general things until I made a joke about the urine sample from the day before. She asked if it was clean catch and I said yes, but just barely. That ended up causing questions and her checking charts. Turns out that despite being there since the morning before, I had peed twice (with the last time hours before). She pressed on my bladder which wasn't distended. 3 bags of fluid, 3 meals (2 of which I know I ate all of), plus whatever I drank. I had been dehydrated to the point that it had caused my white count to go up and was the reason behind my confusion, lethargy, dizziness, headache, nausea, and low urine output. I was pretty surprised. I was released before lunch.

Pushing past my limits, minor medication side effects (including one long term med), staying under an electric blanket too much to stay warm (combined with exhaustion which meant longer in bed and less time awake to drink water), and pain and constant bleeding due to my IUD... all those things combined causing it to happen. I'm still... oof. Still tired. Still weak. Still recovering. Sleeping so much that the days fly by. Drinking lots of water. And otherwise doing just fine (save for my sleep schedule going to shit again). I still love my electric blanket; it's just been temporary retired until I can get myself rehydrated again. That means my other blankets are out of the vacuum bags and piled up to keep me warm ^_^

Speaking of warm, I have my very own love bug/velcro/snuggle buddy Danny who has been on me like white on rice since I got home. He's a good boy

#bluewind talks #story time #dehydration #cat danny #danny is a good boy #tw blood mention #tw menstration #tw illness

[witchysleepingbeauty]

Hi princess! So imagine this lady who's always ALWAYS being negative abt her kids, never a kind word and only belittling, every other day, like "what did I do wrong really? What kind of kids have I raised? They're bla bla bla" with venom. And worst who doesnt acknowledge how negative + painful she is

When i try to talk to her nd ask her exactly whats the issue with 'me' or how can I help her to ease her burden as she keeps complaining how we're ungrateful or keeps comparing to other 'more acceptable in her eyes" children, she gets defensive nd won't answer properly. She says "ohhh, why don't U know that? arent u old enough to know?' and then starts ranting. when time after time ive begged her to clearly tell me, no passiv agressiveness please! it doesn't work nd i end up wondering why i even bother when im only the villain... Yes this ig is my role in her story that ive writen? confusing 😅

when I can, sometimes i try to help her even tho shes the sort who likes to stay busy so she'll find smth else to do lol, nd inside hope for her to be at least a little NOT negative today.... she either ignores or gets angrier nd goes all "hey, I didn't ask U to do that! How dare u act like u did me a favor! U think ur perfect while im just ur servant right?" when i never even intend that? i effing HATE negative reinforcement nd i feel so damn bad for her, nd shes taught me how negative reinforcement is the worst thing to use, cuz it never teaches anything only builds resentment!!

this is smth i realised that she cant be pleased, she wants to get attention what I mean is, whenever we spend time together, she is perfectly fine when we're talking abt her hobbies nd interests which tbh im NOT that interested in personally but since she likes them i like to discuss them with her nd help her out with projects. not to say "ohhh im so cool i help out with her projects look at me so kind of me! lol" its just it hurts when ur own mother doesn't even rpetend to care abt ur interests. i suspect deep down i carried this feeling of unworthiness ie if even my own mother doesn't care abt my hobbies/projects, no one will . which is why i feel so uncomfortable sharing anything personal to my rl friends cuz im so afraid theyll reject me too :(

By not caring i dont mean I expect her to listen nonstop to me. she has her own life but i mean she purposely zones out, rolls her eyes which HURT SM when i was a child, or even worst she says "im not interested" nd shuts the convo. again, at this point, idec anymore as ive learned slowly to value nd cherish my own value nd hobbies etc which is an important lesson anyway

the only thing i want is to stop her being so painfully negative LOUDLY. Yk I suspect becuz of her dwelling on whats wrong in her life, shes gotten severe numbness nd swelling in one arm? and even the doctors cant detect whats wrong! nd its hella painful nd she can't even lift it up sometimes!!!! THIS GOES ON TO SHOW HOW INNER CONSTANT NEGATIVITY CAN BE REFLECTED IN THE OUTER AKA OUR BODY!! To anyone else who cant help have negative thoughts ONLY, u gotta try to change them! Please! Bcuz my mother's pain in her arm is sometimes crazily too much! Nd this in turn, esp on days where all i hear is her gripe, its worse at night!

Anyway I was compeled to write this as a while ago i went to the kitchen for water nd from her room i heard her loudly complain nd mutter abt how her kids are "socially unacceptable" nd "dear god i pray please please don't let me rely on them in old age, i made a mistake raising them!" She's the sort whos got so many limiting beliefs that initially led to my deep unhappiness w/o knowng it was these beliefs at play eg if you dont become a certain career, youll have no security, or recently she keeps nd keeps lamenting abt not havjng 'enoufh money' (we r having kinda financial crisis due to some rlly terrible decisions by my other parent) or 'oh Im STUCK with this [bad word] family!" when she saw a movie abt someone who went on a trip nd began comparing her own life to it. She's so talented we all ask her to start an online business but she backs away nd says 'how will i ever get capital? im doomed to never have what i want' nd I myself have a bit empty wallet temporarily so i cant help her. Nyway, while im trying to fix my own beliefs, seeing her rage nd let negativity completly take over her is alarming nd worrying to me. it makes me feel negative emotions too. im not entirely confident in mastering my mind ywt. i was that overly sensitive kid at school nd i absorv her energy a lot. Those who u love the most, hurt u the most. nd i agree bcoz while im hurt by her (not that shes intentionally hurting me. THRU her im hurt), i do love her. Nd now thanks to the law ik by changing my beliefs abt things, i can change the world

My reason is i cant change her bcuz she gets hella maddened if i suggest a less negative thought. Nd she instead starts blaming me for my 'decisions in Life' which SHE would NEVERRR make oh no... -_- Nd im not saying i try to be obnoxious abt it hell no! im talking abt getting frustrated at the table talking abt smth abt a random topic, then suddenly listening to her start complaining abt e g. Some kid whos "richer" than i am heatedly! nd if i steer the convo away, nope, she keeps fuming a bit

so since i can only change myself, how the hell do i change my assumptions of her? i affirm having a great mother, happy nd open with her thriving business etc. i affirm this but i cant focus cuz doing so inevitbly makes me sad lol cuz i rmmbr how happy nd liveky she used to be before some unfortunate things in our family that started yrs ago. Which affected us all. Any advice, please? im on a mental diet hwoever the earlier incident of her complaining abt us again caused smth in me to snap. im distancing myself from her but the short times im with her there's only a strong air of disapproval, pain nd misery around her. Tbh i was like that pre-law, not knowing how destructiv my thoughts were, while she was the happy optimistic grateful one. Nd now? Im only slightly more self aware than before ie im NOT saying im able to rise in consiousness SOo much that im 'untouchable' nd buddha-like! Nor is my mom wrong bcuz she's me pushed out! its only her lvl of conciousness nd thats it. its just I don't want to cause or feel more pain or hav any excuse to curse her ,when ego sometimes takes over, anymore. im having some personal issues to take care of too, which is why this is affecting me too much. Sort of like having a weak immune system already?

I want my happy intelligent mom back. ik i got to change me... but the doing is way harder than the saying

🫀anon

Okay first of all imma say it cause I don’t think nobody else will…. Your mom is shitty…. There, I said it. She is abusive and selfish and a bad mom. No parent should ever treat their children that way and make them think they need to fix them.

Other than that yes it’s true she is your manifestation but I think it’s important to let emotions out. Be mad at her for once, stop rationalizing her bad behavior. You have the right to feel mad, angry, sad. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID.

I know it seems impossible to keep a mental diet when you see the negative behavior you wish to change every day. I assume you live in the same house. My suggestion is to stick to your mental diet and try to interact as little with her as possible. Go out more often or stay a bit more in your room. Every time you see a behavior from her that you don’t like, and you feel like affirming doesn’t help, close your eyes and see her hugging you and telling you all sorts of beautiful, loving things you’d like to hear from her.

You should also work on your self concept. Parental issues often manifest from poor self concept. Affirmations like “I am worthy, I am loved, I am enough, I am respected, I am cherished” work amazing.

[intothewideopenspaces]

Living Alive

It’s been a busy couple of months in the Way2Community, from out-of-parish placements and opportunities to new experiences within my parish, and from a variety of areas of study and reflection to a weird and wonderful mixture of time spent as a community and as rest time. It seems like a long time since I last sat down to write a blog post, and yet it seems like these past few weeks and months have been rushing by and will continue to do so - I'm expecting to wake up one day and find it’s July already! But thankfully there is still about 5 months of this year for the Way2Community left, even if it feels like I must have been down here in Cornwall for more than 6 months by now.

So what have I been up to since my last blog post? All kinds of opportunities have arisen on top of the regular week by week activities I am involved with. The end of January brought snow to Cornwall - and chaos right along with it. The day we saw the most snow (though still not that much by my northern standards) was the day of Truro College's careers fair, which I attended as a Way2Community member. A group of us from different denominations and roles within the church formed a stall bringing awareness to church 'careers' in all their variety, difficulties, and joys. We answered questions about different types of ministry, what each of us have experienced through our roles in the church, and why we are involved in ministry and church to begin with. I had some brilliant conversations with the students and was able to use my own experience to (hopefully!) encourage some of them in their own relationships with the church and faith. And upon arriving back home after the hour and a half it took to drive back from Truro in the snow, I concluded that I must be less introverted than I used to be since I wasn’t at all tired after spending two hours talking to a multitude of students, which I know just a few years ago would have exhausted me!

On the other end of the age range, we had the opportunity towards the end of February to lead a service for the residents of one of the local care homes, as part of the ministry of the local Churches Together. It was the first time for me that I had been in a care home, but the relaxed atmosphere made it feel more than comfortable for us to lead the service between us, supported by a few others from the Churches Together team. It was a short service with a small 'congregation', alternating hymns between a bible reading, a short talk which I wrote and gave, and prayers, and we will be doing similar services a couple more times across the coming months.

My more regular out-of-parish placement at St Petroc’s homeless society which I did once a week for four months came to an end in mid February. Most of my time there was spent helping out with the daily drop in they run for clients, but in my last week there, I had the opportunity to visit one of the houses they own, in which they are able to offer clients stable accommodation and offer support to gradually help clients become ready to move into independent accommodation. The house I visited was their largest, and is for clients with the least support needs, and so it was a fascinating morning spent observing how that is run and meeting a couple of the residents there. Over my time at St Petroc's, and as I got to know the clients who I saw regularly at the drop in, I noticed that I became more confident and comfortable and that I found it easier to chat casually to the clients, rather than just the necessary conversation for practical matters, like signing people in as they arrived for the drop in. While I hope that I was never prejudiced against people experiencing homelessness, actually being able to get to know those people and their everyday experiences grounds them as people who experience disappointment, anger, joy, unfairness, rather than just as objects of pity or even support and understanding. Its been lovely bumping into a couple of the clients out and about since finishing my placement, and I hope I will continue to do so.

In my parish placement, I’ve been getting involved in a few new things as well as experiencing the seasonal or occasional services that have been taking place. On the last Sunday in February, I deaconed at the Eucharist service at Mabe for the first time, which involves leading roughly the first half of the service. This in itself is something I have done before, though in a very different context and style, so the actual experience of deaconing at Mabe brought a few new things with it. As deacon, I processed at the start of the service along with the priest and the choir, something I had never done before, and I wore a cassock and surplice, also for the first time. Wearing a cassock and surplice has felt very strange for me - even after adjusting one of the community's spare ones to fit me, I still felt like a kid dressing up! I managed not to trip up or catch my sleeves on fire though, which I feel is reasonably successful for a first time wearing a cassock, and I'm sure that I’ll get used to seeing myself in one once I’ve worn it more than once. Another first time doing something for me was preaching last Sunday at both churches I am placed at in my parish placement. It was the first Sunday of Lent, so the reading was Jesus' temptation in the wilderness. My main point, or what hopefully came across as my main point, was that it is by the love manifest in our relationship with God that we are enabled to resist temptation - or that we are picked up and dusted off when we don’t. Although I have never stood up at the front and spoken for so long in one block before, it was the process of writing the sermon that I found more new and challenging, rather than delivering it. I’m preaching again in a few weeks, so I’ll get some more practise at the process of writing a sermon and hopefully it will become easier and more familiar as I learn.

Before getting stuck into my next sermon however, I aim to be making a start on my next essay in the discernment process. I finished the 'What is a priest' essay a couple of weeks ago, and decided with the DDO that instead of going straight onto the next essay, 'Why are you an Anglican?', it would be helpful for me to do a second essay, similar to 'What is a priest', but with a focus on monasticism. I’m going to write it as a more personal reflection on what it would mean for me to be a monk, since I have researched and written about monasticism itself more in the past than I had about priesthood. I am also in the process of arranging a placement in a monastic community in early June, where I will spend two weeks living alongside the community and participating in their rhythm of life. I hope this will give me a chance to experience the day to day reality of monastic life, meet some of the community and ask them plenty of questions, and have time to reflect on my own process of discernment.

Alongside all this busyness in the last couple of months, we've had plenty of fun as a community. We've had plenty of walks along the beaches nearby and along bits of the coastal path; we've played a handful of board games (in case my fellow community members hadn’t picked up on my competitiveness already, they certainly have now, after a particularly loud game of Carcassonne!); and between us we've nearly finished knitting a hat for the pillar at the end of our drive - on our walk to the care home back in February we walked along a street where every other house had been yarn bombed, and after discovering it was a project organised by a local artist who lived on that street, we decided we wanted to join in and yarn bomb our own house. Over the past week, my parents have been down from York to visit, and so we've had a couple of trips out all together. One evening, we went up to St Agnes Head in an attempt to stargaze, but as the weather wasn’t in our favour for that, we instead just enjoyed walking along the cliff top in the dark and wind. The next day, we got the train to St Ives and spent the day there, enjoying the views and remarkably blue sea, as well as the strong winds which nearly blew some of us away.

I think a fitting song to summarise these past couple of months is Live Alive, by (no surprises) Rend Collective:

I wanna live alive

Don't wanna live a lie

I wanna live alive

And you make me alive

Don't want to just survive

Be safe but half alive

This little light of mine

This little spark divine

I'm gonna let it shine

I am letting go of every fear

I am letting go of every lie

I am taking hold of every dream

You place inside