#ive felt like sht for a few days now actually and i wanna cry but its hard talking to ppl abt it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

girlnamedmaui · 7 years

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Feeling so confused with feeling and signals and signs and gestures and whatnot. Mistaking a hug for something more. This was my mistake way back from before, i shouldve stepped back and just loved you from afar. I should never have tried to be close with him, i knew he'd leave me hanging. And still hanging on, but not on a thread, the worst thing is this rope, is tied to my neck. I hope you try and read this from my point of view and hopefully youd see this letter as something worth your view DEAR KULET, there are some things i never want to forget, but i have to. just so that i wont Keep repeating the same stupid mistake all over again, of crying over something so pathetic. i still remember our conversations, especially the ones when we really got to know each other. those late night calls, the times you asked me to sing to you. i miss those. but i dont want to. i dont really know if im inlove with you or just inlove with the feeling, i cant really put my finger on it. i dont know what to say to you when i randomly see you in the street somewhere. i dont know what to expect of what would i feel when i see your face . when i see that same smile i just kept on staring because i couldnt look you in the eyes. that smile that made me smile too because you looked so goofy. that smile id always wanna see everyday. but its also the same smile thats hurting me, that made me cry my eyes out before. that same smile that broke my heart. i sound so stupid about feeling heartbroken over a guy i only got to know for a few days but damn, for those few days those werent the daily kind of topics of getting to know a person, not the boring kind. those conversations we had were deep, deep enough i gave stupid meanings for it even though it meant nothing to you. i bought you a gift because of three things: 1. you asked for pasalubong 2. it was also a belated birthday and a recognition present and 3. it was supposed to be a goodbye present i wanted to attach a note to it saying "goodbye" and i hoped so much that youd understand how i feel because you know i dont like goodbyes, even when we text or talk personally i dont like goodbyes. i hoped that youd somehow just find out for yourself. but i figured that thats too sad for a recognition present so i didnt attach anything to it, just going to give it to you like its nothing. did you know, that i cried? i actually couldnt sleep one night, actually it was in the early morning around 3 am, i was thinking about you and how i missed you and how stupid i was to feel sht for you. i cried not because you didnt love me back, but because here i am again, falling weak on my knees again for some guy i know who wouldnt even appreciate my existence. i cried so hard i couldnt stop. and i woke up with puffy eyes and a stuffed nose. i looked so broken, like a damaged toy no one ever wanted back. like i meant nothing to nobody. i felt like i had no value just because you didnt. i still remember the first time we met, you joked around scared me and then hugged me while walking back to the bleachers, damn why do you make me feel like this? i hate it. i hate myself for not getting over you, i hate myself for falling for you when i knew in the first place you had no plan of catching me. have you noticed all the hate and anger ive been putting it all on myself? its because damn, i can suddenly tell myself i love you and i can never hate someone i love. i can never have the guts to say to you how youre so insensitive about how i feel how big headed you are acting like an ass playing around with feelings. i cant because i love you. UGH how can i say that i love you? i dont know either. love has no explanation i guess, when you feel it, you just do. and NO its not lust. i cant get over you seriously.i want to so bad but it hurts me just thinking about it. i dont know what to expect from you anymore. its so clear, like as if you rubbed it in my face that "NO, I WONT LOVE YOU BACK BECAUSE I DONT ROLL THAT WAY" i dont know what to expect from my blocked messages' inbox anymore, would i be waiting for your text to appear there? or nah? goodbye, such an easy thing to hear, an easy word to write or type, but its never easy for me to say especially to someone special to me because, its as if we wont talk to each other ever again, or we wont see each other again and i dont want that. i still wanna see you of course i do. i always do. but now that i feel all so down, i dont know if i wanna see you or dont anymore. everything is so mixed up, messed up and so much more. Oh romeo whom i loved once before, take note my feelings ive felt for you will remain forevermore. Although i will never repeat my mistakes as i did, just know that you were once loved by someone who waited a year and a half just to see you go away and tell me you never felt it.

#onesidedlove #longago #brokenhearted #love #long reads

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