#ive been waking up an hour earlier than normal all this week so I’m. tired
revenge bedtime procrastination but the opposite where i go to bed really early. also known as waking up at 5 am and saying goodnight to your friends who are about to go to sleep
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Clandestine: Chapter Eleven
I... about 75% of this chapter was not in the outline, and I don’t really know what to do about that fact. This completely ran away from me, but that’s ok I guess.
Characters, as always, belong to the amazing @lumosinlove and a huge thanks again to @donttouchmycarrots for proofreading!! <3
Clandestine Masterlist
CW: hospitals, injury, brief mention of blood, medical drugs
.
Leo slept. A lot.
Logan knew this was normal; their nurse had reiterated it a few times now. When he did wake up, it was only for a few dazed, confused minutes before he was pulled back under again. The confusion ebbed the more time went on, the effects of anesthesia wearing off, but the dull sheen to his eyes remained. He could fight his way through a brief conversation with him or Finn, and then he was back to sleep. It was probably for the best, Logan told himself. Better than dealing with their present situation, at least.
Finn was curled up uncomfortably in the chair beside him, also sleeping. He normally looked peaceful when he was asleep – lips slightly parted, face relaxed, on his side or stomach with one hand usually shoved under his pillow. After about a week of sharing a hotel room and a bed, Logan knew these things. It wasn’t the same now. Granted, he was in a chair instead of a bed, but still. He was curled up somewhat in a ball, with the leg in a brace stretched out and immobile – an awkward position that almost made him look like a flamingo balancing on one leg. His shoulders were tense, even in sleep, and his jaw was clenched tight. A worry line was furrowed between his eyebrows, steadfastly refusing to smooth out. Logan brushed his knuckles faintly against the bruise on his cheek, plum against porcelain, and sighed. He knew he should be doing the same thing – sleeping, that is – but every time he closed his eyes… well. It wasn’t pretty. Besides, someone needed to keep an eye out. There was only so long the nurse could delay the GSW report.
It was only a matter of time before they were on the run again.
Regulus drifted in and out on occasion, checking in on them. He seemed to be on guard, constantly walking the perimeter of the hospital and keeping an eye out for familiar faces. It put Logan on edge and calmed him down at the simultaneously. He didn’t trust Regulus, not really, but he figured if he was going to sabotage them he would’ve done so already. He’d had ample opportunity, after all.
Logan glanced at the clock. They’d been here for just shy of twenty-four hours now. The sun was starting to rise again, not bringing any answers with it. Loops had been in contact, briefly. They’d received one text message that simply said “stay put” and radio silence after that. He just hoped they had a good plan. Even better if it was safe, too, but Logan wasn’t about to push their luck… if you could even call it that.
For now, this was ok. They were together, they were alive, and they were relatively safe, for now. In that moment, listening to the steady beeps of a monitor and muffled conversations of people in the hallway outside their door and the even breathing of his partners, he couldn’t ask for much more.
***
Nate saw the scowling, intimidating group of people in the lobby and knew they were in trouble.
He had just started today’s shift, still tired from the one the day before, and was in the process of saying his usual hello to the staff working the front desk when he saw them. There were three of them – at least two of which were over six feet tall, looming and muscular and intense. One had a scar traversing down one side of his face, healed but still a beacon that screamed “don’t mess with me”. The short, scary one was right.
He’d submitted the GSW report about ten minutes ago, and here they were.
Fuck.
Nate didn’t even say goodbye to the sweet lady working the desk that day, he just backed away slowly and tried to appear normal as he pushed past the doors. As soon as they closed he broke into a run, headed straight for room 308 and stopping by the nurse’s station for a split second to grab two prescriptions before he was off again. He was almost there when he crashed into someone as he rounded a corner, only avoiding hitting the ground by two arms that snaked out to steady him. He looked up to gray eyes and a vaguely familiar face.
“Sorry.” The guy said and let go of him, frowning when he saw what was no doubt a look of panic on Nate’s face. “You ok?”
He remembered this guy now. He was with the scary short guy and the other two. He wasn’t around much, but Nate had seen him a few times when he’d been making his rounds.
“They’re here.” He blurted, hoping that he didn’t need so say anymore.
He didn’t. in the blink of an eye he was leading the way to room 308 and throwing the door open, which Nate didn’t think was the best idea. He didn’t know what these people did for a living, but it was clearly dangerous. Barging in like that probably wasn’t a good move.
Sure enough, when Nate followed Gray Eyes into the room, the short one was on his feet and had pulled a gun from somewhere, aiming it at the two of them. Gray Eyes stuck his arm out and kept Nate from going any further until Short Angry One recognized them.
Nate used to think this was a relatively safe career path. Sure he might get puked on, yelled at, mentally and emotionally eviscerated by doctors and patients and family members alike on a regular basis, but he’d never felt like his life was in danger.
Maybe he should go into accounting. Just him in an office with a bunch of numbers. Or a museum curator, surrounded by ancient artifacts and not much else. Definitely not people pointing guns at you.
Both the redhead and the blond woke up at the disturbance, one sitting up in a flash and the other just blinking sleepily and frowning in concern. Before anyone else could get a word in edgewise, Gray Eyes blurted out, “They’re here.”
The EKG readings on the monitor spiked, and then it was a flurry of motion. Short Angry One cursed under his breath and pulled Gray Eyes and Nate into the room fully, closing the door behind them. The redhead started throwing the few things they had into his pockets – a phone, some other electronic device Nate couldn’t identify, an old lock, a pen. He shoved his shoes on, unsteady on his feet, and looked to the blond, who was still in a hospital gown and watching with wide eyes. All the color that had been slowly returning to his cheeks was now gone.
Nate steeled his resolve. His job was to save lives, damnit, and that’s what he was going to do.
He jumped into action, pushing Gray Eyes out of the way and unhooking his patient from the monitors before discontinuing the IV drip and pulling the IV out, stopping the bleeding with quick pressure from his hand. “There’s an employee exit down the hall that leads to the parking garage. You guys know how to hotwire a car, by any chance? I’d offer you mine but I don’t have one.”
“I can.” Glaring down at his sling, the blond muttered, “Well. Maybe can is the wrong word.”
Nate let up on the pressure, shrugged his thin jacket off, and helped him slide his good arm through the sleeve, throwing the other side around his shoulder gently. It wouldn’t do much to help, but it was better than nothing. “Can you show someone else how to do it?”
“Maybe.” He said, moving to swing his legs over the edge of the bed and frowning when Nate stopped him. “I can walk.”
Nate smiled. Typical. “That’s what they all say. I’m going to grab a wheelchair, anyways. You’ll be faster that way.” He looked at the others in the room and continued. “I’ll lead you to the exit, but I’m afraid that’s as far as I can take you. I’ll try to find these guys and get them off your trail as best I can.”
He shoved the two prescriptions he was so glad he’d filled last night at Ginger, trying to ignore the way all of them seemed to be staring at him. “Instructions are on the labels. He needs to finish all the antibiotics. All of them.” He didn’t have time to stress the importance of preventing antibiotic resistance, but he hoped they would take his word for it. “Let me go get-”
The door opened again and they all swiveled towards it. Ginger stepped between the blond and the door while Short One raised his gun again – but he didn’t shoot. In fact he just stared for a second, then lowered his gun with a smile.
“Loops.” He said, relieved, and – what?
The three men Nate had seen earlier were ushered into the room, the tallest one slapping the brunet on the shoulder, causing him to stumble as he flipped the safety of his gun back on and stashed it in the waistline of his pants.
The one in the front with caramel colored eyes looked between their group, one eyebrow arched. “Going somewhere? I thought I told you to stay put.”
Ginger laughed incredulously, shoulders slumping. “Holy shit, Loops. We thought you were someone else.”
Gray Eyes looked at Nate, exasperation clear in his gaze. “You told me they were here.”
Nate threw his arms up in defense. “You look at those guys and tell me you wouldn’t be suspicious.” He winced and looked at the newcomers, realizing that his words might be offensive. “Sorry.”
Neither of them seemed to take it to heart. The tall one just grinned and said, in a heavily-accented voice, “We still got it, eh, Nado?”
The one with the scar – Nado, apparently – just rolled his eyes and didn’t comment, but Nate could see one side of his mouth lifting into a smile. It softened his face, made him look more like a teddy bear than the scary, intimidating guy he’d seen in the lobby.
“We’ve got a car out back.” The one called Loops said, looking to the blond with gentle, understanding eyes. “You good to go?”
He nodded firmly, no room for second-guessing. “Let’s do this.”
Now, Nate didn’t exactly think it was a good idea to move a GSW patient out of a hospital only a day after getting shot, but – judging by how the others had reacted at the thought of people coming for them – it was safer for him to leave than to stay here. His brain, after all those years of medical classes and caffeine/anxiety induced all-nighters, was screaming in horror about complications and sepsis and bone fragments, but he didn’t voice them. He just reached for a pen and paper in his pocket. He scribbled his number down and handed it to his patient. “If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask, ok? I’d feel much better if you at least had a nurse with you, but this’ll have to do.”
He got a warm smile in response. “Thanks,” he said, voice and eyes serious. “For everything. Not many people would do what you did for us.”
Nate blinked. “I genuinely don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but thanks?” He still didn’t know who exactly he was helping, but then again, he guessed it didn’t really matter either way. They seemed like good people dealing with a shitty situation, and that was a good enough motive for him. “I’m going to grab that wheelchair quickly and I’ll be right back.”
He should’ve known that, by the time he got back, they’d already be gone – leaving no trace except for the disheveled sheets on the bed, two chairs next to it instead of the standard one, and the still humming machines and monitors.
Nate let himself slump against the wheelchair, forearms resting against the handles.
“What the fuck,” he said, with feeling.
***
Sirius was behind the steering wheel of a very old service van, watching six of them pile into the back and Loops slide into the passenger’s seat. His eyes didn’t stray long from Regulus, though. If he’d had enough time, he would’ve tackled his younger brother in a hug. Unfortunately, they were on a bit of a tight schedule. “Petition to never have to break someone out of a hospital again.” He said wryly, putting the van into drive and searching for the exit to the maze that was this parking garage. All the while, he was sneaking glances in the rearview mirror, unable to help himself.
“Where do I sign?” Finn deadpanned from the back row, sandwiched between Logan and Leo. They looked so tired. Leo didn’t hesitate to twist in his seat a little so that he could lean into Finn’s chest and close his eyes, looking absolutely miserable. Finn shifted just slightly, pressing a barely-perceptible kiss to a bird’s nest of curls and relaxing back into his seat.
Huh.
That was… new.
But then again, was it? Sirius thought back to the past several months of this operation and found that he really wasn’t that surprised. But then there was Logan…
“Turn left here.” Remus said, pulling him out of the thoughts, calm and in control like usual. His lips turned up into a smile as he flicked his turn signal on. He could see them doing exactly this, when all the chaos was said and done. Taking a roadtrip, Sirius behind the wheel and Remus navigating, going wherever they felt like. No worries or missions, just the two of them and the black top below them. He shelved the daydreaming for later.
“Where are we going?”
Sirius’ eyes flew back to the mirror at his brother’s voice – the first time he’d head it un-obscured by a phone or earpiece in too long. He’d missed him. He’d fought so hard for him, to get him out of that mess and keep him safe, and here he was. They’d done it.
Was he a horrible person, for feeling as relieved as he did? He’d inadvertently put the Cubs through hell for mostly selfish reasons. Sure, he wanted to take the Snakes down, but that paled in comparison to the safety of his brother. He’d let the Snakes walk away scot-free if it meant Reg was safe.
He didn’t know what kind of person that made him – he was too afraid to speculate about it.
“My family has a cabin about two hours away,” Remus replied, balancing his phone with the navigation app against the center console so that Sirius could see it. “It’s empty right now, so it’s a perfect hideout until we figure out next steps.”
Finn was asleep now, too, head pillowed on Leo’s. Logan stared sightlessly out the window beside them, stonily silent. Sirius ached for him. They were kindred spirits, he and Logan. Stubborn, fierce, bleeding hearts who cared too much and shouldered more than their fair share of the responsibility when things went wrong.
And things had really gone wrong.
“What are the next steps?” Reg asked as they left the city and headed towards the interstate. “This isn’t the only backup we’ve got, right?”
“Sleep,” Kuny told Regulus, not unkindly, “had big couple of days, yes? Plan later.”
Reg looked at the tall Russian sitting next to him for a second, then sighed and turned his gaze to the window.
Sirius drove on in silence.
Two hours and eighteen minutes later, he was pulling up on a gravel driveway to a quaint, two-story cabin. The jostling of the gravel under their tires seemed to wake everyone up, according to the grumbles and yawns Sirius could hear from behind him as he finally put the van in park. The doors opened and they were all climbing out of the van, stretching stiff muscles and groaning. The ones with bags in the trunk went to unload while Remus fished his keys out of his pocket and headed for the front door, bounding up the last two steps to the porch. He was equal parts glad and upset that they were here. He was grateful that the Cubs were safe now and that this cabin was so far off the grid that the Snakes wouldn’t find them. But bringing a bunch of coworkers to the place he went to escape work stuff… jeez. Not that he didn’t like his coworkers, but sometimes he needed a break from it all. Plus this place belonged to his family. Being here with anyone but them just felt wrong.
Remus opened the door, instantly on guard when he saw the kitchen light was on. Whoever was in there must’ve heard the door because Remus could hear the refrigerator door close, then loud footsteps headed towards them. His hand drifted to his gun and he cautiously flicked the safety off.
A head peeked out from the kitchen. All-too-familiar eyes widened excitedly. “Re?”
The safety quickly went back on. “Jules?”
He wasn’t supposed to be there. Their trip wasn’t for another week-
Remus’ younger brother beamed and launched himself towards him, leaping into Remus’ arms when he got close enough with an excited shout.
“What are you doing here? I thought you couldn’t make it this trip!”
“What am I – what are you doing here?” Remus shot back, tensing up when he heard footsteps behind him. “Your trip is supposed to be next week!”
“School got cancelled because of all the snow.” Jules peered around Remus at the gathering group behind him. “Who are they?”
“Jules?” The familiar voice of their mother called from down the hall. “Who are you talking to, honey?”
Oh god, this was something straight out of Remus’ nightmares. How the fuck was he supposed to explain all this to his family? The rest of their agents were supposed to drive up here tomorrow with gear and supplies and weapons for their final stand against the Snakes. That… there was no way to explain that. At all.
Fuuuuuuck.
Hope Lupin stepped around the corner, startling when she saw the crowd on her doorstep. “Remus?”
“I’m so sorry, mom,” he blurted, the words coming out in an unfiltered rush. “I didn’t know you’d be up here or else I would’ve-”
“Oh, nonsense. We’re happy to have you and your… friends.” She said sweetly, voice raising into an almost-question at the end. Remus, flying blind, said the first thing that came to mind.
“They’re work friends. And there’s a few more coming tomorrow, if that’s ok.”
“What happened to him?” Jules interrupted, wide eyes trained on Leo, who smiled faintly.
“Shoulder surgery,” Leo said easily, taking Remus by surprise a little at how easily he responded with a textbook spy tactic: tell the truth, but only enough to not raise suspicion. He technically wasn’t lying, either. It was harder to get caught lying when you technically hadn’t.
It seemed like the rookie was no longer a rookie.
“It was recent, wasn’t it?” Hope asked, eyes sharp with observation as she ushered them all inside. When Leo looked at her a little distrustfully and both Logan and Finn stiffened beside him, she sent them all a soothing smile. “I’m a nurse, I can tell.”
“About a day and a half ago.” Leo let her lead them to a couch and sat down, answering Hope’s questions calmly now, seeming to know she could be trusted. When Remus looked around again, he noticed that Sirius and Regulus were both absent, no doubt having a much-needed talk. He was struck with a twinge of worry, but pushed it back. He shouldn’t interfere. They needed some time alone to sort through things. Sirius would talk to him about it if he felt like it. Nado and Kuny were trying to sneak their way into the kitchen, looking for whatever smelled so good in there. For spies, they weren’t very subtle.
“What kind of shoulder surgery?” Jules asked, trailing after their mom. “Re had one a few years ago, too!”
Remus winced and shot Leo an apologetic look for his over-inquisitive brother. “Not quite the same, Jules.”
“All he does is sleep now,” Finn said teasingly as he took a step back and stretched out his leg with only a slight wince. “My jacket has drool all over it from the car ride here.”
Leo shot Finn an unheated glare as he sat up and opened his mouth to shoot back a reply when all of a sudden he went pale as a sheet, eyes dazed. Everyone in the room froze, looking at him nervously.
Finn was kneeling in front of him in a flash, Logan already holding his hand too tightly from his spot beside him. “Leo?”
The blond squeezed his eyes shut and leaned into Logan heavily. “Hurts,” he managed to grit out while Logan wrapped an arm around his waist and held him close, combing his fingers through a riotous mess of curls. He locked gazes with Finn and saw a different kind of pain from Leo’s, but identical to Logan’s, reflected there as he watched helplessly.
Maybe they should’ve accepted the risks and stayed at the hospital. They’d be sitting ducks there, but at least it wouldn’t be this. Logan would take the uncomfortable chairs and the nurse who talked too much and the stress over the heavy weight pressed against him, the shaky, too-measured breaths, the soulful brown eyes that matched his own.
It felt like all the decisions he’d been making recently were the wrong ones. It would be nice to not put his partners through pain because of his poor decisions for once.
Hope was by their side then, holding out a glass of water and two pills. Logan hadn’t even noticed Finn set the prescriptions down on the entryway table. “I think it’s time to take these now.” Leo refused to move from his current spot, but he took the pills and followed them with a quick drink of water. A muffled “thank you” was murmured into the material of Logan’s shirt, quiet and a little tense.
Hope just smiled sympathetically. “You’re probably going to get really sleepy in the next thirty minutes or so,” she continued, giving the three of them a look. Like she knew something. “So if there’s any conversations that can’t wait until the morning…”
Loops came by his eerie observation skills naturally, it seemed.
Logan looked to Remus and the others, hoping that all the planning could wait until the morning. They were exhausted. Surely they’d be ok without them for a few hours.
“Go get some rest,” Loops said gently, motioning down the hallway. “There’s a guest bedroom down there, second door on the left. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
Finn made a beeline for the bathroom as soon as they reached the bedroom, muttering about how he’d needed to use the restroom since they’d all piled into the van. Leo toed off his shoes while Logan hovered, unsure if he should offer to help or not, his heart still in his throat. Leo just sent him a weary, affectionate smile. It tugged viciously at Logan’s heart and made him want to pull his partner close and not let go. Ever.
“I’m ok, sweetheart.”
He could’ve cried at the relief of hearing that nickname again. “You sure?” He asked, just to be safe.
Leo’s face was inscrutable as he cautiously sat down on the bed. “If I keep telling myself that… eventually I’ll start to believe it, right?”
Logan didn’t have an answer to that, not at first. But he remembered the feeling from after missions that had gone belly-up, the few that he wasn’t sure he was going to make it out of. The disbelief that somehow, after all of that, he was still alive and ok. It felt like trying to find his way through a snowstorm when all he could see was blinding, overwhelming white.
He wasn’t about to let Leo navigate that without a guide.
He sat down next to Leo and grabbed his hand, moving down to the pulse-point at his wrist and feeling tendons flex and shift under his fingertips. It beat, steady and strong, when he pressed down lightly. He knew Leo could feel it, too.
“You’re here.” Logan said simply. It was a tactic he used on bad days, when everything got to be too much. That little pulse, a sign of life and resilience. The two of them shared that now, that resilience and refusal to die that flowed through their veins.
Leo stared at him, eyes so soft and a hue that Logan wanted to engrave into his memory. “Logan,” he said quietly, right as Finn flung the bathroom door open again. His mouth was in the process of opening to tell a joke when he saw the two of them and snapped it shut again with an audible click, unsure of what to do next.
Leo shared a look with Logan and a conversation passed between the two, silent but apparently crystal clear. Finn couldn’t quite tell if it was excitement or anxiety dancing in his stomach, but either way he wasn’t sure he liked the sensation.
He had a feeling he knew what was coming. They’d been tip-toeing around this conversation for too long now, and they’d finally reached the tipping point. However this conversation went, he knew their relationship would never be the same, and that scared him. There was comfort in things known and familiar, after all.
This felt like hanging out of a perfectly-good plane and not knowing if the parachute strapped to his back was going to work or not.
But everyone who took the jump said it was worth it, in the end. Finn desperately hoped they were right.
“I think we should talk.” Logan said quietly, patting the open spot on the bed next to him. The dreaded words. No one ever wanted to hear those words.
Finn made his way towards them, too afraid to make eye contact, and sat down gingerly. Feet firmly planted on the floor, one hand braced on the bed, tense and ready to get up and take flight if he felt like he needed to. “We’re finally going to have this conversation, huh?” he asked with a fake laugh that fell flat, finally glancing up. Looking at the two of them, side by side and seeming to just know each other in a way Finn felt like he didn’t, he wondered where he fit into all of this.
If he fit in at all.
God, he hoped he fit in.
“Look,” Leo started, voice steady and resolute like he was getting ready to rip off the proverbial bandaid. It did nothing to calm Finn down. “Logan and I talked a while ago, about us. And, um – well, we want to be together. All three of us.”
Finn blinked once, twice. The words weren’t exactly computing, not after spending so long telling himself that this would never happen, could never happen. “Oh.”
“You had to know,” Logan said, sounding confused. “You had to know how we felt. None of us were exactly subtle.”
“I… I hoped.” Finn managed to get out before he got distracted by Logan’s soft touch against the curve of his cheekbone, creating his own constellations out of the freckles there. Finn let his eyes close and focused on the point of contact. He had hoped, even if he’d tried to stamp it out most days. He’d hoped and he’d yearned and he’d ached, and now – finally, unbelievably – he might be getting exactly what he’d wanted. “I knew how the two of you felt about each other, I just… wasn’t sure where that left me.”
“Finn…” He heard the sheets rustle as Leo scooted closer and opened his eyes again.
“Can you blame me?” Finn let Leo hold his hand and slot their fingers together, a painfully delicate motion. He stared down at them, noticing faint green bruising from an IV line and deeper, purple discoloration from that one time Finn tried to catch himself before he hit the ground after a brutal punch. They matched, in a sick, twisted way.
But they were both healing – skin stitching itself slowly back together and aches fading little by little. There was a poignant symbolism there, Finn thought, musing over the words he needed to say. Talking about the doubts and the hurt and the confusion surrounding the three of them might be painful in the moment, but healing would always follow, even if it took a while.
He was thrilled that they wanted him, don’t get him wrong, but that didn’t have the ability to just wipe away the hurt of the past week. “You seemed happy together, just the two of you.” He thought of the coffee shop and watching them from his table with June. Or the hotel room the next day, the stolen glances and furtive touches. “I didn’t want to get in the way of that, not if I wasn’t wanted.”
One of the other two made a broken sound; Finn wasn’t sure who it was. The hand on his cheek moved to his chin and Logan ducked his head to meet Finn’s eyes again, fierce and sincere – a combination that encompassed the very core of the fighter.
“I’ve wanted you since that crazy New Year’s party.” He said with conviction and Finn laughed a little at the memories.
“Then why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“Why didn’t you?” Logan challenged, signaling a change in the winds. Finn could see the storm brewing in those green eyes. “We were partners. Adding a relationship to the mix would only complicate things.”
“So what changed?” Finn let his frustration bleed through, ignoring Leo’s squeeze to his hand. “You’re saying two completely different things right now and it’s confusing as hell.”
Logan bit back, voice suddenly loud and harsh. “You think this is how I wanted to fall in love?”
Leo and Finn stared at him. No one had mentioned love. Not yet, at least. Logan seemed to recognize the intensity of his words and his shoulders slumped, but he didn’t take them back. Finn wasn’t sure if he was grateful for that or terrified because of it.
“It’s not supposed to be this hard, is it?” the brunet asked, voice a softer murmur. “Why couldn’t the three of us be normal and meet at, like, college or a coffee shop or something?”
Silence greeted him, heavy and suffocating.
“Because these are the cards we were dealt,” Leo said finally, looking between the two of them. “And yeah, it might be a shitty hand, but don’t you think it’d be worth it? After all that we’ve been through, choosing each other instead of letting the fear pull us apart?”
“Sounds like something out of a romance novel.”
Leo shrugged his good shoulder at Logan’s words, a conscientious effort to keep the other side of his body completely still. Finn ached a little at the sight. “Love isn’t easy, not for anyone. It’s a choice you make, day after day.” Blue eyes the color of a cloudless afternoon sky were calm and free of conflict when he looked at them again. “I’ve made my choice. What about you?”
Finn stared at him for what felt like forever, then blurted, “Did you rehearse that or something? What the fuck, Nutty.”
The resulting smile on Leo’s face was a welcomed reprieve from the earlier storm, placid and radiant. How was Finn supposed to do anything else but lean over, cup his cheeks in his hands, and press his lips against that smile?
Leo kissed a little distractedly, like he wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to do first. The hand not caught in a sling flitted from auburn hair to fist in his t-shirt, then migrated lower to wrap around Finn’s back, long fingers splayed against his spine. But his mouth was soft and sweet against Finn’s, returning his kisses happily, and the combination of the two were just so Leo that Finn’s stomach swooped and his heart flopped in his chest.
He pulled back for air, an unfortunate necessity, and took in the sight in front of him. Leo’s eyes were still closed and that smile still graced kiss-swollen lips as he swayed towards Finn, clearly wanting more. Finn smiled too, irrevocably charmed, and kissed his cheek, his jaw, that cute little indent in his chin, then the curve of his smile again. He could never, not in a hundred years, get enough of this.
And then Logan met his gaze from beside the blond, eyes fond and warm as he watched them and ran his fingers up and down Finn’s thigh, the motion raising goosebumps on Finn’s arms – the air dense and volatile around them like the instant before lightning struck. Finn needed to kiss him, too. To learn the difference between the way he kissed to keep up pretenses on a mission and the way he kissed when he meant it. Finn kept Leo close with a hand on his waist and tilted Logan’s head up to kiss him, deep and intense. It was thrilling and a little wild; so different from kissing Leo, but just as captivating. Always unpredictable, the kiss morphed from charged to surprisingly, achingly gentle – a thunderstorm melting into a comforting spring shower. Finn was reminded of shoving the couch up against the wall nearest to the window during storms as a kid, watching the raindrops track down the glass, and the sound of the world going silent save for the wind and the thunder and the rain hitting the roof like the pounding of drums – a symphony just for him to witness. He sighed against soft lips and sank into the kiss, listening for the intricacies of this new, unknown melody.
The rustle of clean sheets, a hitch in breath followed by a deep exhale, the steady beat of the old clock hung on the wall, a hum against his lips.
Then Leo was leaning in to kiss Finn’s pulse-point, firm enough to bruise and tender enough to make Finn’s eyelashes flutter. Finn canted his head to the side, stretching his neck to give Leo more skin to claim, and pulled Logan in again. A duet shifting to a trio and slotting perfectly into place, patching the gaps in the music that Finn didn’t even notice were there.
This was worth it. It had to be. As much as it would kill him – or any of them, really – to love them and then lose them, that would still be better than not loving them at all.
They’d wanted this for so long now, all of them. Even with all the stress and hurt and doubt, Finn couldn’t help but feel a little giddy. For fuck’s sake, he was kissing Logan. It wasn’t part of a mission. And Leo was still pressing kiss after kiss to his neck because he wanted to. They wanted each other.
Screw panicking about losing them. Finn was done missing things because he was worried about things that might not even happen. It wasn’t something he could just will away or turn off, of course, but he could actively make sure he was living in the current moment. And right then, the current moment was making out with his boys in a cabin in the middle of nowhere.
He loved the current moment.
The kiss turned to simply smiling against Logan’s mouth, delirious with contentment, so Finn broke away and pulled Logan in for a hug, then gently maneuvered Leo to join them, making sure his wound was well out of the way. They stayed like that for a long time, relaxing in the closeness and adjusting to the newness of all of this. And even though it was new, it was already something they were quickly getting addicted to. The string connecting Finn’s heart to theirs cinched tighter and pulled sharply. For the first time, he didn’t mind it in the slightest. It was no longer a painful reminder of what he couldn’t have, it was an exhilarating sign that were all irreversibly intertwined, both in each other’s arms and in this crazy mess that was their lives.
Leo interrupted the moment with a yawn, blinking sleepily. Finn smiled a little at the sight – he almost felt like he was doing too much of that in the past few minutes, but sleepy Leo was simply adorable.
“Come on, let’s get you to bed.” Logan urged. It would be a tight squeeze, the three of them in that bed, but now they could cuddle and press close without pretending it didn’t happen the next morning. Finn sighed happily at the thought and headed for the light switch. The light from the lamp on the bedside table illuminated his way back to his boys, all soft and stretched out next to each other under a pale comforter. It was a much-needed reprieve from the chaos of their current situation that Finn was all to eager to take advantage of.
He watched as Logan propped himself up on one arm to look down at Leo, hand trailing through that tuft of gray hair and then tugging on it playfully. They shared a smile before Logan leaned down the rest of the way to kiss him, assured and familiar and unrushed. They’d done this before. The knowledge didn’t tear at Finn’s heart like it would have a week ago, because now he knew that they felt the same way about him. And he was falling for them, too. Watching the two boys he was half in love with already so comfortable and loving with each other? How was Finn supposed to handle all the emotions bubbling over in his chest? He crawled into bed next to Logan and flicked the lamp off, settling the room into darkness.
Logan settled in to sleep facing Finn and with Leo’s reassuring warmth behind him. His eyes closed and time slowed, a blessed mercy. The events of tomorrow felt years away in that still, quiet moment. But there was something prodding at the back of Logan’s mind – some strange, uncomfortable feeling that he could quite place, until he realized that everything was too still, too quiet. His mind flashed to the litany of “what ifs” that had looped in his brain like a mantra back in that hospital room and he rolled over quickly, shuffling over until his head was pillowed on Leo’s chest, far away from the bandages.
Thump-thump.
Leo’s chest rose and fell under Logan’s head as he breathed and Logan let himself relax, reaching blindly behind him until he found Finn’s arm and flung it over himself, loosely intertwining their fingers over his chest. Finn moved in closer to press against his back and tangle their legs together. He sighed before going still again, breaths deep and even.
And Logan finally, finally let himself drift off to sleep.
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Ulcerated
By Hale13
For the Summer of Whump Day 8 - Force Feeding
It’s only been a week since Tony last saw the kid but the weight he’s lost is clear in the way his shirt is just a little baggier than normal, the paleness of his face, the gauntness of his cheeks and Tony has to hold in his sympathetic wince. May Parker was never one to exaggerate but Tony had kind of been hoping that she was this time.
Words: 2720, Chapters: 1/1 (Completed), Language: English
Fandoms: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Rating: Gen
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & May Parker
Characters: Peter Parker, May Parker, Tony Stark, Helen Cho
TW: Vomiting, Medical Procedures
Read on AO3 or below the line break.
It’s only been a week since Tony last saw the kid but the weight he’s lost is clear in the way his shirt is just a little baggier than normal, the paleness of his face, the gauntness of his cheeks and Tony has to hold in his sympathetic wince. May Parker was never one to exaggerate but Tony had kind of been hoping that she was this time.
“Hey Pete,” he says, trying to keep his tone light and his voice gentle, Peter looks like he’s one stiff breeze from passing out or crying – it’s a toss up – and Tony doesn’t want to find out which is more likely. Peter raises one hand just above waist level in a half-assed wave and Tony bites the inside of his cheek sharply. “May said you’d been feeling pretty crummy kiddo.”
Peter shrugs and hums noncommittally, eyes a little unfocused from, what Tony guesses is, low blood sugar. He purses his lips and weighs his options before crossing the room to pull Peter into a careful hug. Peter goes nearly boneless in his arms but doesn’t raise his own to return the embrace which worries Tony even more; Peter is more tactile than just about anyone Tony’s ever met and is always eager for any physical affection. His stomach turns and he looks up to make eye contact with May where she’s wringing her hands in stress and looking guilty in her navy scrubs.
“Thanks for this Tony,” she says, approaching them and running her fingers through the rat’s nest of Peter’s curls. He’s still leaning up against Tony either for emotional or physical support, he’s not sure which. “I was worried about leaving him alone.”
“It’s no problem at all,” he assured and it wasn’t. When May had first called him about Peter’s supposed stomach flu earlier in the week he had sent all of the kid’s medical information to Cho who had told them, based on his symptoms and history, that they just needed to fill him up with as many fluids as possible and start a bland diet. They couldn’t afford not to with Peter’s wicked fast metabolism. May had taken most of the week off work to cram electrolytes and soup down Peter’s throat but her PTO had run out and she was on shift for the next three days. When she had called Tony for their daily update he had insisted that Peter come stay with him in the Tower – the penthouse a convenient few floors above the MedBay if they needed it.
“Okay Petey,” May said, pulling Peter into her own arms to fold him into a soft hug that Peter at least attempted to return. “You get some rest and try to eat something for Tony okay? I’ll call you in the morning when I get home but I’ll have my phone on if you need me and the hospital can always page me if I’m not able to answer okay?”
“Sure,” Peter rasped and Tony winced at how rough his voice sounded but, he supposed, non-stop vomiting for the majority of the week would do that to you.
“Alright,” May said, looking torn and a little devastated and Tony empathized. Peter was the closest thing he had to a son and he couldn’t imagine leaving him like this now that they were together. She made eye contact with him and Tony could read the clear ‘you’re going to have to take him from me or I won’t let go’ expression on her face and pulled Peter gently back to him.
“I’ve got him May,” Tony promised. “The chefs at the Tower have prepared a ton of bland foods for us to try and Cho’s on call if we need her. Everything’s going to be fine.”
“I know,” she said, eyes a little damp. She cleared her throat and pressed her lips to Peter’s forehead. “I love you Pete.”
“Love you too,” Peter mumbled back and Tony slipped his arm a little lower down the kid’s back to support him when he swayed a little unsteadily, dazed. He needed to get Peter off his feet fast before he passed out. They rode down the janky elevator together but went their separate ways at the curb – May toward the subway and Tony maneuvering Peter to lay half in his lap in the back seat of the town car Happy had been idling in the fire lane in front of the apartment.
“Step on it Hap,” Tony said once he had Peter settled, ignoring the concerned look his friend was giving them both in the rear view mirror. “Make it a smooth ride yeah?”
“No problem Boss,” Happy promised, pulling away from the curb with the utmost care and merging them into the Queens traffic.
——————————————
“I know you don’t want to,” Tony began, apologetic as he nearly shoved a bite of unsalted, unbuttered white rice into Peter’s unwilling mouth, trying not to feel overly guilty about the look of pure betrayal on Peter’s face. “But you’ve already lost over eight pounds and its hard enough to keep up with your metabolism as it is. I know you don’t want to end up in the MedBay.”
Peter sighed around the mouthful of rice but chewed it and swallowed it, begrudgingly accepting the next bite Tony forced into his mouth. They got through about half the bowl before Peter abruptly turned pale and then green, barely managing to grab the empty bucket Tony had placed next to him, vomiting up a mixture of bile and undigested rice. Tony squeezed his eyes shut a second in commiseration before rubbing the kid’s back to help him through it. “It was a good attempt buddy,” he said quietly as Peter retched painfully into the bucket until he was dry heaving only.
The episode only lasted for a couple minutes but Peter looked completely exhausted when he collapsed back to rest against the headboard of his bed, letting Tony pull the bucket from his limp grasp. “No thanks,” he said, voice sounding even worse now, throatier and deeper than normal with the wear and tear on his vocal cords, and pushing away the bottle of Pedialyte Tony had tried to force into his hand.
“Not optional kiddo,” Tony told him sympathetically, pressing the straw between Peter’s unwilling lips and staring until he finally gave in and took a few swallows, his Adam’s apple spasming.
“Can I just sleep?” He asked pathetically, eyes red rimmed and skin both pale and flushed, skin drooping with how tired he clearly was.
“I’ll make you a deal,” Tony offered. “You eat another five bites and drink a quarter of the Pedialyte and I’ll let you have a four hour nap before we repeat. Do we have an accord?”
Peter looked at him with sad eyes, the bags under them dark and deep. “I don’t really get a choice huh?”
“Not if you want to avoid the MedBay,” Tony agreed. “The only reason I haven’t taken you already is because you asked me not to but, if this gets any worse, you’ll have to go.”
“Give me the rice,” Peter said, defeated and Tony passed it to his shaking grip, steadying the bowl while Peter forced down five bites of the rice, washing it down with the drink before lying back and cuddling up to Tony’s side, eyes already half-lidded with sleep.
“Put on some Brooklyn 99 would you FRI? Volume at twenty percent.”
“On it Boss,” FRIDAY’s voice responded quietly, pulling the show up on the flat screen in Peter’s room as Tony started massaging Peter’s scalp.
At some point he must have fallen asleep as well because, the next thing he knew, he was waking up to Peter gagging out his name and lurching for the trash can next to the bed. Tony hastened to grab it and thrust it under Peter’s chin – just in time for the poor kid to retch weakly into it. “Let it all out Webs,” Tony said, rubbing Peter’s sweaty back and brushing his lank bangs out of his face. It wasn’t until Peter was done and panting against Tony’s chest that Tony noticed that the bucket contained a concerning amount of blood and material that looked like coffee grounds. “FRI tell Cho to meet me in the MedBay.”
“No,” Peter whined, curling closer to Tony and tucking his legs into his stomach – balling himself up tight.
“Sorry buddy,” Tony told him, crawling out of the bed as carefully as possible to not jostle Peter too much. “You’re vomiting blood so we have to.”
“What?” Peter asked, confused, craning his neck to look into the trash can and then paling further. “Oh.”
“Yep,” Tony agreed, dragging him up to stand before finally just scooping Peter up into a bridal carry when it became obvious that Peter’s knees weren’t going to support him the whole way downstairs. Tellingly, Peter didn’t protest; he just curled into Tony’s shoulder, one hand tangling into his sweatshirt.
Helen wasn’t present when Tony burst into the MedBay a few minutes later but her nursing staff were quick to get Peter settled into a bed and get his vitals and an updated history from Tony. By the time Helen had swept into the room, looking put together and not at all like Tony had woken her up in the middle on the night, the nurses had already drawn blood and placed an IV catheter to start fluids.
“I was hoping I wouldn’t be seeing you in here Peter,” she said, taking his chart and flicking through it.
“Same,” the kid agreed with a weak smile, not letting go of Tony’s hand or the basin he had been given shortly after they got him in a bed.
“So you still have the nausea but it says here that you been having some issues with acid reflux and that you had a fair bit of blood mixed with the bile you just threw up?” She asked, using her stethoscope to listen to Peter’s heart and lungs before moving on to feeling his lymph nodes. “How much blood?” She directed to Tony.
“All of it was blood,” Tony answered, trying to stay calm. He needed to text May ASAP but he was hesitant to do so until he knew what was wrong. “Maybe half a cup? Some of it looked like coffee grounds.”
Helen hummed as she moved on to palpating Peter’s abdomen, apologizing when he flinched. “Have you been on any medications recently Peter? Aspirin, Advil, Aleve? Any stress?”
“Midterms were last week,” Peter answered slowly. “I had a pretty bad headache the whole week and I did take some Advil a few times a day.”
“How much and how often?”
“Uh…,” Peter said, face scrunching as he tried to think. “Maybe like eight to ten pills three or four times a day? I’ve done that before though, Dr. Banner told me I would need that many because of my metabolism.”
“Very true,” Helen agreed. “But not that often. Based on your symptoms and history I’m tentatively diagnosing you with a stomach ulcer that has likely perforated based on the blood in your vomit.”
“An ulcer?” Peter asked, looking like he was having a hard time tracking, Tony gave his shoulder a squeeze.
“So what do we do next?” He asked, running his hand through Peter’s hair quickly in solidarity. An ulcer. Of course his kid would end up with a bleeding ulcer.
“Well we’ve already drawn blood to check for infection or anemia,” Cho answered. “Depending on the results I’ll start him on fluids and maybe a blood transfusion. Since this has been affecting him for a while and because we need to get some calories in his as soon as we can, I’ll stop the bleed and remove the ulcer via an endoscopy. You won’t even have to be fully under for it, just sedated.”
“Okay,” Peter agreed blandly – a sure tell that the kid felt like shit. Cho made steady eye contact with Tony for just a second before reaching out to squeeze Peter’s bicep.
“Tony can I speak to you in the hall? I need to get you to sign some releases while the nurses get Peter prepped,” she asked.
“Sure,” Tony nodded, giving Peter a careful side hug before following the doctor out of the room, shutting the door behind him – all the rooms were soundproofed due to all the enhanced humans in the Tower and their sensitive hearing. “You were clearly holding something back,” he accused. “You’re lucky Pete’s so out of it or he would have picked up on it too.”
Helen sighed deeply, finally looking tired. “He’s lost too much weight.”
“I know,” Tony agreed sadly, reaching up to massage his temples with one hand. “What are we going to do about it?”
Helen clicked her tongue and tapped a finger against the tablet in her hands. “He’ll probably be able to eat once her wakes up but I really just want to place an NG tube while he’s under so he can have a continuous stream of nutrients going in. We could even continue feeding him while he’s sleeping, really get the weight back on. I wanted to talk to you first before I brought it up. He’s on the cusp right now so he could get away without having it but I don’t really want to give him the option to decline it. It would help him recover a lot faster.”
Tony hummed, torn. He didn’t really want to take away Peter’s agency here but he agreed with Helen that he doubted the kid would go for it. “Let me talk to him about it,” Tony finally conceded. “I might be able to get further with him.”
“Sure,” Helen said with a nod. “You should be good to go back in and sit with him, it’ll take another thirty minutes to an hour to get everything ready but we’ll let you know when it’s time.”
“Thanks,” Tony said sincerely, re-entering the room. Peter was still sitting propped up in bed in his comfortable sweatpants and hoodie, not having to change since the procedure was so simple, but with the addition of another IV catheter in his other arm connected to a bag of his own blood – donated earlier in the year for occasions such as this.
“So what did Dr. Cho want,” he asked, eyes still tired but shining with his usual intelligence and a bit of curiosity.
“Figured we wouldn’t be able to get that past you,” Tony said sardonically, taking a seat on the edge of Peter’s bed, facing him. “Helen wants to place an NG tube while you’re under. Wait,” he said, holding up a hand preemptively when Peter opened his mouth. “You’ve lost too much weight as it is and it’s going to be hard to put it back on with the bland diet she’s going to have you on while you heal. Doing this will make your recovery go so much faster.”
“I don’t want to be stuck in here,” Peter grumbled, gesturing the the room and Tony let one side of his mouth tick up in a smile.
“Hate to break it to you kiddo,” he said, “but that’s already a forgone conclusion.” The kid groaned and Tony let a full smile pull across his face, many of his previous worries eased with the diagnosis and treatment plan. “Let Cho do this and I’ll pull as many strings as I have to to spring you early. Deal?”
Peter made a face, his nose crinkled in disgust but he nodded in defeat anyway. “Two days. At most.”
“Three,” Tony haggled, holding out a hand which Peter eventually took with a sigh. “Great! FRI, relay that to Helen please.”
“Done Boss. She said she’ll be ready for Peter in about ten minutes.”
“Thanks honey,” he said, still smiling. “I’ll call May while you’re out and have Happy pick her up after her shift. She can stay here for the next few days.”
“Thanks Mr. Stark,” Peter said, his voice still sounding more destroyed than Tony had ever heard it but lighter somehow – probably because he could see the light at the end of the tunnel and knew he would be feeling much better soon.
“Anytime kiddo. Anytime.”
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Sunshine on A Cloudy Day: Sana x Reader
tw// chronic illness, hospitals, needles, mention of cancer
it’s a high school au btw
this is based on my personal experience. pls be respectful as it wasn’t easy for me to write this :)
Your alarm played through your room, waking you up immediately. You pressed snooze at least seven times before actually getting up and dressing yourself for the long day that was to come.
You pulled on your favorite t shirt and pajama pants before tugging on a sweatshirt. You checked the time before packing your bag, making sure to add your laptop and phone along with their chargers, snacks, socks, favorite stuffed animal, and a few extra school assignments.
By the time you made it downstairs your mom was already waiting for you. Quickly she handed you an apple and muffin to eat on the car ride.
“Okay sweetie I have a meeting this morning from 8 until 11. I’ll bring you lunch, just text or call and tell me what you want.” Your mother spoke not taking her eyes off the road as she drove.
Your mom pulled out her wallet and handed you two familiar cards, telling you to tuck them away until someone inside asked for them.
“Alright sweet girl I’ll be back soon, if they have any issues call me and I can sort it out.” Your mom kissed your forehead before letting you out the car, watching you walk inside before driving away.
Your feet felt heavy as the familiar smell of saline and disinfectant filled your nose. You grabbed a disposable mask off the lobby desk and put it on.
As you started to walk towards the elevator a woman called after you “maam!”
You turned around and pulled down the mask “don’t worry I’m still a minor. I’m going to the 4th floor.”
The woman nodded and gave you a thumbs up with a smile before turning back to check in adults.
It was still early so not many people were in the hallways, except the emergency wing. It is always packed no matter what.
You made your way to the fourth floor hoping if you wakes slower you just wouldn’t have to go. But that wasn’t how it worked and you knew it.
When you entered the waiting room you found a seat by the window. The dull grey sky offered no source of light, leaving you to rely on the fluorescent ceiling panels for brightness.
“Miss Y/LN?” The woman at the desk called your name, waving you over.
“Good morning sweetie haven’t seen you for a few weeks now.” She smiled as she spoke her tone was calming but also happy.
She asked “you got the insurance card for me?” You nodded and handed her one of the cards waiting for her to tell you how much you owed for today’s visit.
“And you have a $30 copay today, would you like to take care of that now?” You nodded and handed her the second card your mom gave you earlier. She finished checking you in “alright they’ll call you back in a bit.”
You sat down and pulled out your phone knowing that your girlfriend was actually awake now.
Y/N: hey
Sana 💞: good morning jagi
Sana 💞: you have an appointment today right?
Y/N 💘: yeah...kinda just wanna go back home
Sana 💞: it’s okay i’ll come over after school and make it better
Y/N 💘: you don’t have to i’ll be fine, this isn’t new
Sana💞: no girlfriend obligations
Sana 💞: i’m coming and you can’t stop me
Y/N 💘: okay fine
Y/N 💘: i’ll text you later, they’re calling me back now
•
•
•
It didn’t take long for your nurse to call you back and get you situated in a treatment room. There was only one other patient along with you. It was a little girl no more than 3 years old. You didn’t know exactly what she was getting but your heart broke at the thought considering what department you were in, Cancer and Blood Disorders.
It took 3 hours for your IV bag to get delivered to your floor so you turned on the tv hoping something good was on. You settled on Moana, the only thing that wasn’t the news.
“Alright love we just got your bag, you know the drill, vitals every ten minutes for the first 30 then i’ll come every hour. We should have you out in 5 hours if everything goes well okay?” Your favorite nurse Haseul explained to you quickly what was going to happen.
You found yourself in this same spot with her every couple weeks so she knew how you liked things to go.
“So how’ve you been missy? How’s Sana?” She poked your side getting you to smile for the first time today.
You told her “she’s really good...I haven’t seen her in three weeks though. She got sick for two and she had finals this week, but today is her last one.”
Haseul checked “so you didn’t see her when she was sick right? You know you can’t be around that with your anemia.”
You nodded softly remembering why you were even in the hospital in the first place. What was once a slight iron deficiency quickly turned into a chronic anemia that couldn’t be healed with oral supplements. Doctors had no other option than to put you on infusion treatments which sucked.
Although people were definitely going through worse, especially in this department, that didn’t take away from what you dealt with. The constant fatigue, dizziness, falling asleep in class, hair loss, being malnourished, all of it a constant reminder that you weren’t like most.
“Y/N!” Haseul snapped her fingers in front of your face.
You blinked rapidly “sorry what?”
Haseul responded “it’s okay I just needed to make sure you didn’t pass out on me. I need to put on your heart monitor.” She placed the stickers on your chest before grabbing the IV kit she placed on your lap earlier.
“Alright in your hand or arm today?” Haseul knows you prefer the arm but she always asks in case you change your mind.
You simply pointed to your arm before extending it so she could access your vein. Finding your vein was no problem, as you still had a raised bump from the last time you got treatment.
“Okay...and one two- there you go.” Haseul secured the IV with a Tergaderm, which was weirdly enough your favorite part of this whole process.
She left you and cane back every ten minutes to check your vitals before disappearing to help another patient for a bit.
You ended up spending the first two hours dozing in and out of sleep, waiting for your mother to call you. Eventually you did in fact wake up, and to the smell of your favorite food.
Your mother sat in a chair next to you on her phone talking to who you assume is a coworker. Quickly she hung up the phone so she could talk to you instead.
“Hey hows it going so far?” She asked with slight concern.
You told her “ fine just sleeping to pass time that’s all.”
She smiled before handing you a bag of food hoping it’d bring some form of joy to your day.
•
•
•
You both ended up enjoying an early lunch together but unfortunately she had to leave the hospital for an emergency meeting. It wasn’t unusual for this to happen so you were used to it, she’d simply be back at the end of your appointment.
Your phone buzzed next to you, pulling your attention away from your mother’s absence.
Sana💞: how are you doing so far?
Y/N💘: it’s good. I’m watching Aladdin now :)
Sana💞: i wanna be there with you rn instead of in math class
Y/N💘: your day is almost over then you can see me
Y/N💘: think of it that way
Sana💞: yeah but i still wish i was with you
Y/N💘: soon
Sana💞: ok fine. i have to go i love you
Y/N💘: i love you too babe
Around the third hour you became irritable and ended up walking the hallways with Haseul. She was honestly the only thing that made you feel normal in this place.
When the two of you got back you were tired and worn out from the walk. It didn’t seem like a long distance to most but you definitely were feeling it.
You found your spot back in the treatment room, sitting in your chair and reclining it back. Just as you were going to close your eyes Haseul called your name.
“Y/N. You’ve got a visitor would you like her to come back?” Haseul didn’t bother to open the curtain to tell you who it was so being the curious girl you were, you allowed it.
Sana walked in with a smile on her face, it was like your sunshine on a cloudy day. It was clear she had just finished school as she was still in her uniform, and she was wearing her backpack.
“Ho- Sana? Why? How did you even get in here?” You asked her through a laugh.
Sana responded “nobody stopped me downstairs and I know you’re on this floor. The lady at the desk outside was very nice too!”
You immediately sat up, not realizing that was a bad idea given your position. Closing your eyes tight you tapped your finger on the arm rest of your chair, waiting for the dizziness to stop.
When you opened your eyes you saw Sana in front of you, a frown on her face. It broke her heart to see you, her girlfriend, in this state. You always tried to make it seem like you weren’t sick but it was very obvious that you still were no matter how much you pretended otherwise.
She placed a blanket over you before running her thumb along your face and softly saying “my baby girl...”
You smiled at her knowing it might possibly make her less sad but it didn’t do much.
She could tell you were tired so she told you “it’s fine just sleep.”
By the time you woke up it was time for you to leave. Haseul had flushed your IV and took your vitals for the last time while you were asleep.
Your mother was downstairs in the parking garage waiting for you and Sana so you could go home.
It was clear by the look on your face that you felt nauseous, a common side effect of your treatment, from the second you stood up.
Sana gathered your things and help you put on your sweatshirt and bag before you two headed downstairs.
You interlocked you’re hand with hers as you felt dizzier with every step you took. She could tell you were having a hard time but she knows how much you try to hide it. When you both made it to the car you fell asleep almost instantly.
Sana helped you to your room, quickly helping you to bed before stealing some of your clothes to wear for herself.
You sleepily held out your arms for her, a soft whimper leaving your lips. She crawled under the covers and you immediately clung to her. You were shivering as if you were standing in snow with only a bathing suit on. Your hands and fingers started turning blue, indicating you body temperature was dropping, a side effect of treatments.
Sana pulled you closer and kissed the top of your head as your fingers curled around her shirt, holding her close.
It only took ten seconds before you started sobbing into her chest. As much as you wanted to pretend you were fine and not in pain, you couldn’t hide it anymore. Breaking down in her arms you sobbed until you fell asleep. She felt terrible knowing there was nothing she could do to fix it, but she knew that you appreciated her being there for you.
You only slept for an hour before you woke up in a cold sweat. Your t shirt clung to your back as you kicked off your blankets seeking some sort of way to cool yourself down. That did little to nothing so you scrambled to the bathroom hoping cold water would do the trick.
Sana knew this was yet another side effect of your treatment, a high fever. Your cheeks burned red as you splashed your face with water in the sink. Much to your relief it worked and you were finally able to get back in bed with her.
Your girlfriend held you in her arms tight as if she never wanted to let go.
“Thank you...” You softly spoke as she drew small circles along the small of your back.
“For what?” She asked curiously.
You mumbled “everything...just everything you do for me.”
She giggled softly “you know i’d do anything for you baby.”
Mumbling softly you told her “i love you.”
She responded quickly “i love you too.”
Letting your eyes close you further melted into her embrace as she tightened her arms around you. In the back of your mind you were reminded why you always said i love you before you fell asleep. Besides the fact that you did in fact love her, but if you happened not to wake up tomorrow, the last thing she heard from you was those three words.
Nevertheless you hoped and prayed you’d wake up in the morning to see her smiling face.
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for now; forever -- teaser
pairing → kwon soonyoung x reader
word count → 1316 (full fic is ~9k!!)
genre → mostly fluff? a solid amount of angst
↳ tags: ooh boy. firewatch au, banter, like a little bit (a lot) of pining, strangers to friends to... something, FLIRTING, reader’s kinda fucked up but its ok, hoshi’s weird and endearing (as always), a tiny bit of hurt/comfort, minghao best boy, soonyoung is very sweet it makes me want to cry
synopsis → after an unfortunate burnout that lands you in every critic’s negative and all-seeing eye, you decide to take a break from the one thing you know. you’re not sure if you’ll find what you’re looking for out in the middle of the woods - if you’re looking for anything at all - but at the very least, soonyoung will make the hunt a little less lonely.
warnings → there’s eventually a forest fire that leads to an evacuation but it’s not super detailed, mentions and descriptions of creative burnout/breakdown
a/n → AHHHH!!!! so excited to finally tell yall abt this ive been working on it for about a month now <33 the teaser is just like an honestly solid section of the fic itself, so. idk yeah!!!! i’m very excited i loved working on this i still have some editing to go but the full thing will be out soon <333 hope you enjoy!! let me know what u thought!!!!
DAY ONE.
So. You’re… out here, now.
Save for the bugs you have to swat at every fifteen seconds, the outdoors don’t seem that bad. The weather isn’t too hot (yet, your mind reminds you) and there’s something about the color of the sky that makes your heart constrict in your chest. You can’t tell if it’s good or bad, but given your luck recently, you’re hoping it’s not a warning for the coming months - God knows you need a break. The weight of the journal in your bag feels heavier than any of the camping gear you brought with you.
You debate texting Minghao that you’ve made it to the park safely, but when you check your phone after deciding yes, you see the words no service instead of the familiar lines of a signal. It’s not that big of a deal - you’d told him when you left that you probably wouldn’t have service at all - but a little part of you feels the tender shake of anxiety at the thought of not being able to contact your best friend.
He was the most worried out of everyone when you told him you were leaving for the summer. You can’t really blame him - it was abrupt, you saw the flyer at the grocery store and took it - but after what happened… doing something felt, feels, better than sitting around and waiting for nothing to happen. Waiting for a healing you aren’t sure will ever come, at least not completely.
“Is this really…” Minghao had started upon first entering your apartment after getting your text. Clothes were thrown all over your bedroom floor in an attempt to pack. “Do you need to do this?”
The tone of his voice told you he wasn’t going to try to stop you, that he just wanted to make sure this was what you needed, what was best for you. You had only nodded, sitting down on the edge of your bed to fold clothes and pack them into your suitcase.
“I just don’t want you to run away from it all,” Minghao said softly, sitting next to you. “You’ll need to face it eventually.”
“Is escaping really such a bad thing?” You asked, looking at Minghao. He gave you the look he did when you said something stupid, and if you weren’t still so wired from everything, you might have laughed. Instead, you sighed, placing a pair of pants into your suitcase. “I just need some time.”
Before you can face it, before you can come back, before you can write again… you still don’t know. Minghao had placed a kind hand on your shoulder to tell you there was no rush.
It’d taken no more than two days for you to get everything ready - including buying some apparently necessary survival equipment from Target. In a matter of a few hours you had gathered everything up, texted some other friends and your family that you might not be available the next few months and then… you left.
(Your manager was pretty pissed off that you left so suddenly, but she was also pissed off at you when you told her you needed a break for at least a few weeks, so you’re not really offended.)
You take one last longing look at your car before locking it, pocketing the keys, and starting on your hike.
The hike takes almost the whole day.
You think you almost cry when you finally see the watch tower you’re supposed to be staying in, your legs barely able to hold the rest of your body up. The hike wasn’t hard, really - long, though, and for someone who usually spends a work day sitting at a desk, you’re surprised you’re still alive. You find the little lock that holds the keys to the tower at the bottom of the stairs, fastened onto the railing. It takes a few seconds for you to enter the code you’d been given earlier, relishing in the soft breeze the cools the sweat on your face and neck. The sun is just barely starting to set beyond the mountains, a beautiful sight that you can’t properly focus on because all you want to do is pass out. You’re pretty sure you almost do on your way up the stairs.
The cabin at the top of the tower is pretty scarcely furnished, save for a few basic necessities (a gas stove rests on one wall, a small desk opposite to it by the door, a mini-fridge, and a bed in the corner plus what looks like a map table in the center of the room). It’s a little weird, a feeling caught between the nostalgia of moving into a new place and something you can’t quite name, but you figure you have a few months to make it all a little more comfortable.
For now, though, you feel like you’re on the last leg of your energy. Your mind is saying eat, sleep, eat, sleep on repeat and you have to agree with it, so you change the sheets on the bed, take down the boards over the windows while you wait for the macaroni from the Kraft box to cook. You end up eating a few forkfuls of poorly-made mac and cheese before crashing.
When you wake up, it’s to gentle static and a semi-clear, unfamiliar voice. It takes you a minute to remember where you are and what you’re doing, too disoriented to even think about the voice, but then - oh. Forest. Watch tower. Escape. Okay.
“Yo, Cottonwood! Am I coming through okay? Pick up your radio!”
Right. The voice. Radio?
“Come on, I saw you get in yesterday, I know you’re there. Unless,” a gasp, “you died! Oh my God, this is like a horror movie… and I’m next!”
You manage to wake up enough to locate your radio (a walkie-talkie resting on a charger on the desk) and, after a few seconds of gentle struggle, work it. “Not dead,” you say, then clear your throat because your voice does not sound good right after waking up. “I mean… almost. But not dead.”
There’s barely a moment of hesitation before the person on the other end hoots, apparently excited. “Arisen from the dead! Brought back to life by none other than the legendary Hoshi!”
A brief thought crosses your mind about having to listen to this guy all summer, but you quickly shoo it away. You won’t have to deal with it for the whole three months, right? “Who… who is Hoshi?”
“Me!” The voice answers, sounding a little too smug. “But it’s really just an alias. You can call me Soonyoung. I’m at Twin Peaks tower, west of yours!”
You spin around your cabin, looking through the windows cluelessly - how long have you been asleep, it’s practically afternoon - until you see a very small silhouette of another tower in the distance. You nod, then realize Soonyoung can’t see you. “Oh. Cool.”
“Aren’t you gonna tell me your name?” Soonyoung asks, but his tone is light, breezy. You blink, reciting your name to him in a daze. “Pretty! So, what brings you out here?”
You weren’t expecting that question. “What?”
Soonyoung giggles into the radio. “Everyone comes out here for some reason. Like… Jihoon says it’s ‘cause it helps him write music. And Joshua loves the outdoors, so… what’s your reason?”
“You…” you start, not exactly wanting to tell a stranger the reason you ran away from everything you know. “Do you normally ask this many questions?”
“Yeah!”
You feel yourself sigh, already tired again.
“I… just wanted to get away for a while,” you end up saying. A half-truth. “I live in the city.”
“No way,” Soonyoung gasps excitedly. “Me too! I wonder if both of us have ever been walking and, like, passed each other without knowing…”
This isn’t exactly what you had in mind when you thought of escaping.
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The Smell of Truth - IV
Summary: After years being forced to fight in clandestine hybrid ring, Jungkook is now living in shelter, but life remains bad, the place is abusive, and nobody seems to want adopt him. Until one night a pro-hybrid activist group invades the shelter, and a woman in black smelling like truth promises that things will get better, and he decides to follow her wherever she goes.
Pairing: pitbull!Jungkook x human!Reader
Genre: fluff, angst, future smut maybe.
Words: 4781
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Some violent nightmares, nothing too bad.
Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III - Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII
Jungkook was ready to fight.
After eating cake and tons of meat, taste coke for the first time and fall in love with it, you showed him another thing to love about his new life. Something exciting, entertaining and beautiful... He wasn't good at it at first, but seeing you doing it so well just motivated him to do better. Video games of course. All the sounds and colors made his eyes sparkle. The characters were so amazing too. You let him choose what game he wanted to try first, without much reference he didn't know where to start, using as a criterion the cover that most caught his attention and the little you said about each one. In the end he tested so many games that the order wasn't even important.
You noticed that he avoided violent themes, like fight games, and he preferred the sports, adventure, or cute-looking ones. You came to that conclusion when you decided to show one of your favorites, Dead By Daylight, and before you could start a match he wanted to change to Plant vs. Zombie. At some point you both stopped by Mario Kart and that was the thing. One hour later Jungkook was better than you, throwing all the bananas on you, like losing wasn't an option to him. The bastard is competitive.
"AAaaaaah! nonononon noooooo!" You lose the control of your kart just before finish line as he passes you, crossing the line and winning for the sixth time in a row.
"Yeah!" He jumped from his spot on the floor, running circles arond the couch and you, who was also on the floor.
"That's not fair, half of an hour ago you didn't even know how the controls work..."
"Let's play again!" He seated beside you again, and then his ears perked up. "Can I eat more cake?"
He already ate almost half of the cake, and was clearly in a sugar rush.
"Of course. The cake is yours."
With a happy squick he ran to the kitchen, sliding the new pair of white socks over the apartment's wooden floor. As you waited for hi to come back you once again searched your games, looking for any more he might like, and came to the conclusion that you have a very violent taste to games - you are a fervent Outlast fan, for example. You have never dealt with a hybrid so full of trauma so directly, let alone inside your home, so involved in your life, and despite having some sense of Jungkook's past, you don't know everything that torments him or how much, so making him one hundred percent comfortable in this new life is your plan. What you need is to pay more attention to the small details. And maybe you can start by letting him choose some lighter games himself in the online store.
Jungkook emerged from the kitchen, now walking slower, balancing two plates of cake in one hand, and a huge glass of coke, full to the top, in the other, taking care not to make a mess. Carefully he sat next to you again.
"I brought cake for you too." He gave you one plate and got ready for another round.
"Oh, that's sweet of you. Thanks."
You played for another hour or so, Jungkook's victories proving that it was not beginner's luck but that he is indeed a fast learner. You were already more asleep than awake, as a result of bad nights and unregulated sleep in the last week, when he got tired of running and decided to change the game.
"What is this about?" Jungkook asked, showing you another one.
"Ah, is a remake of one of my childhood favorites. It's about a bandicoot who lives on an island in the south pacific, and a magic mask that flies around him, and has a big-headed villain. It's pretty fun." You yawned.
"Let's play this one then." He excitedly stated.
"Sorry, Jungkook. I'm really tired, and even if I'll work from home, I need to get up early tomorow... I'm going to bed now." You saw the disappointment in his eyes, his ears and tail falling, and added. "But you can keep playing without me."
Jungkook looked around, clearly not so happy as before.
"Ok. I will play another one that is not your favorite then. See you tomorrow?"
He was pouting again, and you thought to yourself if you're going to be able to get used to it. Despite being upset, you could see that he didn't want to have a tantrum asking you to stay.
"You are so cute." You said before you could stop yourself, pulling him by the hands for a hug. You rested you head on his chest and reasurely passed your hands on his back. You couldn't see right now, but the brightest smile settled in Jungkook's face. "See you in the morning. Sleep well, JK."
"Sleep well, Y/N."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
You took a fast shower, put yourself in comfy pijamas and dropped your tired body in the bed. In less than five minutes you were fast asleep. You are the type that has a heavy sleep, that doesn't wake up with anything, and if it happens it is not fully awake, easily coming back into slumber. Normally a lightning storm would not be enough to get you out of dreamland, quite the opposite, the thick rain hitting the window glass has always been like a lullaby. But for some reason, by two in the morning your sleep-pumping eyes were open and alert. Something was off.
You sit, checking your surroundings, listening. Everything seemed ordinary. You got up, looking for your phone, trying to remember where you left it last. You found it lying on the floor beside the bed, between your slippers, some social media notifications and messages that you didn't see before stamping the screen.
Opening one of the messages, a smile formed at the corners of your mouth, as you rubbed your swollen eyes. Still half asleep you played the audio massage, a male voice sounding low.
"Hey sweetheart, I'm coming back already. If my flight doesn't delay, I'll be home in the late afternoon... Then I will see you before anything else ok! I'm missing you so fucking much it feels like dying... So..."
Before you could finish hearing the message something else caught your attention. You were silent trying to hear again. A soft sound from the floor below. A cry. It brought you from the brink of slumber, zombie mode of yours, to full alert awake mode.
"Jungkook" You went to the door and, knowing the way even in the dark, did not even bother to turn on the lights in the corridor, or the stairs, to run to the hybrid who now lives with you. The closer you got, the more certain you were that the crying came from Jungkook's room, a tightness in your chest leaving you worried at every step without knowing what was happening.
You entered as quietly as you could, stepping inside on the tip of your feet, the room was lighter than the corridor you came from, because of the headlamp on. Jungkook was lying in the shape of a ball, his back to you, wearing silk pajamas that you bought him earlier, the cover lying on the floor indicating he was having restless sleep. He was crying, but still asleep, clutching the pillow as hard as if his life depended on it, his body shivering, from cold or stress, or both, you couldn't say. Regardless, the nightmare he was having must have been horrible.
Sitting next to him on the bed next to him, you put your hand on his shoulder, shaking him lightly.
"Jungkook, wake up."
As if your touch had burned him, Jungkook's eyes snapped open, his body reacting defensively before you could do anything. In a second his hand was around your wrist, holding tightly at a sore angle, making you gasp in pain. For a moment it seemed that even looking directly at you, he didn't recognize you.
"Jungkook, it's me. Y/N. You were having a nightmare, but is everything ok. You are ok." You softly said, ignoring the pain in your wrist he was still holding, and reaching your other hand to his face, brushing the hair away from his sweaty forehead. "You are ok, Jungkook."
"Y/N..." His lips quivered, small voice barelly reached your ears.
Jungkook is a pile of muscles, much taller than you, bigger in every way, but at that moment, with scared eyes full of tears... you never thought he was so small.
"It's, ok." You whispered, afraid that if you spoke a little louder it might scare him. "I don't know where you were, or what was happening... But now you are home, safe."
He blinked a couple times, looking around, recognizing his own new room, his things, the smell of the surroundings. His tense, ready to fight body, relaxed as his breathing was soothing. He finally noticed his tight hold hurting you, released you and more quickly he sat against the headboard, moving away from you and your touch. The boy's pale face acquired a feeling beyond fear... guilt.
"So- sorry..." He weakly apologized.
It is not the first time he has had this nightmare. It is always the same, sometimes with small differences, but in short it is a ring, metal screens closing all sides and the ceiling, with electric barriers and poles, that if he tries to escape or fall out by accident the injuries will be terrible, that if he doesn’t die by it. There’s a white light on him, as if it were a show and he was the star, but it’s a show of horrors, the fans screaming loudly, from the dark, asking for blood, dozens of men without face wanting someone to die in front of them. Jungkook experienced this so many times in real life, that in a dream it shouldn't be so scary, but here comes the worst part... He's losing, this time he's the one going to die today. While the other guy is sitting on top of him, giving blow after blow he can't defend himself, he looks back, looking for his owner. Jungkook's owner is sitting in a deck chair in the middle of the audience, watching the fight with his eyes without emotion, he is not happy, and Jungkook knows why: he has not been a good boy, he is no longer valuable, and doesn't bring tons of money anymore... So the owner won't help him, he won't find a way to stop the fight to save Jungkook, because it's not worth it. When Jungkook looks up again and faces his opponent it is his own face what he sees, like a mirror, violent and empty... He sees himself as the scariest hybrid in the world.
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to... Y/N I'm sorry." He started to sob, bringing his knees close to his chest, turning into a ball again, to look smaller and not threatening.
Carefully you risked approaching him again, placing your hand on his knee in an attempt to make some comforting contact, without being too invasive.
"Shhhh... No need to apologize now." Seeing that he didn't withdraw from you again, you finally took his face in your cold little hands. "How are you feeling?"
"What?" A tear ran down his cheekbone, wetting your hand.
"I want to know if you are ok, JK." You smiled softly. He hurting you it's not ok, even if by accident, but that's a subject for another moment, now the focus is on him only.
He sighed, closing his eyes and letting himself relax at your touch, feeling the soft tips of your fingers drying his tears. He took a deep breath once, twice, three times before nodding.
"I'm. I just need to go to bathroom."
"Ok." You let him get up, his well-built body looking so fragile as he walked out of the room, disappearing into the dark corridor. You got up yourself, to fix the bedding, get it ready for when he returned.
Jungkook washed his face several times, trying to get the bad impression he could still see when looking in the mirror. "When you're scared, laugh in the face of fear, he won't take you seriously and then he'll leave you alone." The child's voice rang in Jungkook's mind, making him give a weak little smile when he thought that this silly psychology has kept his sanity for years. He wiped his face with a soft towel, and then looking at himself in the mirror he made a funny face. And then another ... And one more. One funny face after another until he feels like smiling for real.
Your happy bathroom, with a nice scent of soap and cute plants, also helped a lot. The urge to cry went away much easier than at any time in Jungkook's old life.
Not really in the mood of trying to sleep again, he dragged himself back to the room, feeling the weight of the world on his legs, considering returning to playing video games and staying up all night... He saw you still on his bed, waiting for him, and stopped by the door, surprised.
"You still here..."
You were zoning out, due to his delay in returning. His voice - now more peaceful - put a smile of relief in your distracted face.
"Do you want me to stay with you till you fall asleep again?" You suggested.
Jungkook felt something in his chest, almost like a heartache, warm, when he heard that question.
"You don't need to..." He spoke before he could stop himself, regretting immediately, because it wasn't what he wanted to answer.
You left a warm laugh scape your lips.
"That's not what I asked, JK. Do you want me to stay?"
"Yes."
You caring for him like this is like a dream to him, so, afraid of making a mistake that would make this moment end, he camly walked to you, lying on the spot you were invitingly tapping beside you, almost with his head on your lap. Almost... You covered him, taking care to wrap every inch of him with the blanket, to keep him warm, as you would do to a child, or at least, how you like to sleep when it's cold, like a comfy burrito. He felt loved.
A few minutes went by, you patiently petting his hair. When you thought he would have fallen asleep, Jungkook opened his eyes to look at you thoughtfully.
"Y/N..." His voice was already sleepy.
"Hum?"
"Why aren't you afraid of me?"
It's not like you're not expecting such conversation to happen sometime in the future, but at that moment the question took you by surprise.
"What do you mean, Jungkook?"
Jungkook had a hard time finding the right words. He didn't expect you to respond with another question, he wanted you to answer more objectively. A line of frustration formed between the boy's eyebrows as he thought hard on it. You just kept petting him, waiting for him to elaborate his thoughts.
"I don't... know. Everybody does... I'm a pitbull and I was a fight dog... I've done so many bad and scary things, so everybody is afraid of me. The people that didn't want to adopt me, the employees of the shelter who beat me, even the doctor who saw me... She was so sweet to me, but she always saw me with a security guard in the room. Even my former owner was always armed when he came to talk to me..." He was frustrated and agitated when speaking. "He always told me that being a fighter is the only thing I good at... That I'm good at being violent. So why aren't you afraid?"
He could sense you getting dark feelings as he spoke. You were pissed, just thinking about what they did to his head made you want to punch someone. Making Jungkook think he deserves to be feared instead of being loved, pampered and adored every day of his life is unforgivable.
"First of all... Get ready because I'm going to give a speech here. Second: it is a protocol, standard procedure, to have support staff when treating new hybrids, especially when they have a history of abuse. It's not because the doctor was afraid of you, it's because she wanted to take good care of you." You paused for a breath, taking care not to be too harsh when speaking and it looked like you were scolding him, which was nowhere near your intention. You sighed and pulled a lock of hair out of his eyes. "Jungkook, you can't believe in any word your former owner told you. If he was always armed when he came to talk to you, it wasn't because he was afraid of you, it was because he wanted you to be afraid of him. He is very bad person. And he's in jail for all the evil he's done, for you and many other people ... And he's a liar. Nothing he has ever said or done to you can define your future or who you are. Can you believe me?"
"Yes." He said with a soft and vulnerable voice.
He was crying again, with a little smile forming in the corner of his mouth, but still crying. And your heart can't take it.
"And the reason I'm not afraid of you...?" You raised an eyebrow and looked deep into his eyes, as if you were going to tell an incredible secret. "I recognize a cinnamonroll when I see one."
At this, one laugh left Jungkook mouth, and you couln't think he is any cuter.
"Seriously... Look at this doe eyes and sweet smile! You are a cutie pie, JK! The most precious one..."
He let you squish his check with a blush taking over his whole face, but then he noticed the bruise forming in your wrist and his smile fell.
"But I did hurt you." He sadly took your hand in his.
"Yes, but it can be fixed. It will heal, and it can heal even faster if I treat it right. And you can never do that again." You said logically.
"How?"
You pointed your index finger to the middle of Jungkook's forehead, and then to the middle of his chest.
"Healing yourself too. I know you're messed up, and that's ok. I'm here to help. We can start with therapy, you know..."
Jungkook didn't like the idea of therapy at all, but for now he won't discuss it. You were probably right.
"Ok." He said, snuggling closer to your leg.
A very loud thunder burst outside, coming very close to the lightning, startling Jungkook, who reflexively grabbed the hem of your cotton shorts. You didn't refrain yourself from hugging him with your whole body, planting a heavy kiss on his cheek.
"Saw what i mean? You are too precious."
With his heat beating frantically he answered in a timid way.
"I don't like loud sounds... That's all."
"Is just loud, it can't hurt you." You said looking into his eyes, your nose almost touching his nose. "As long I'm here no one can hurt you."
And there it is again. The smell of truth. The idea of someone as small as you protecting Jungkook from anything or anyone may seem absurd, but for no second he doubt your words, because each one of it smell like sincerity. Your eyes too, so intense as you said it, that made him want to protect you too.
"And what if you are not around when I need you?" He tested playfully.
"Then you scream my name as loud as you can and I'll be there in no time!"
"Seriously?"
You seated straight, handson your hips.
"Of course! I was on the athletics team at college. I'm super fast!"
He was laughing, your work was done.
"Sorry I woke you up... And thank you for saving me." Jungkook said it with so much affection it made you heart skip a beat.
"Don't worry, sweetie, I woke up to the thunder." You simply said, but he knew this one was a lie.
_________________________________________________________________________
After the incredible conversation he had with you in the middle of the night, and the rest of the night well slept, Jungkook started the day very willing and happy. He could barely walk, instead it was as if his legs were jumping around the apartment by itselves. You were up hours before him, but waited to eat breakfast with him - you already had a liter of coffee by yourself anyway. Despite not being what you like to do with your life, and and having another job - running a chain of stores for your family - you have been working as a lawyer for a member office for a few months. Even working from home, you have soooo much paperwork to fill out and study, reports with deadline to deliver, to be a suuuuuper efficient employee. So after you finished eating your cereal bowl, you left Jungkook to play video games alone and locked yourself in your personal upstairs office to work.
He can hear you walking around as you talk on the phone, your voice sounding serious and professional. He was having fun by himself, such a good time with snaks and left over cake, but at the same time he was struggling on not gonna check you out. You strictly asked him to not interrupt you till lunch time.
Jungkook spent an hour in this internal fight to go or not to see if you didn't need something or want a glass of juice, to maybe get scratch behind his ear and a smile from you as reward. Like... You were just upstairs and he miss you too much.
He was so focused on the game and his own thoughts that he didn't even notice his steps down the stairs and into the living room.
"Jungkook. I need to sign some papers in the office. If anything I'm downstairs."
"Ok."
Then you left the apartment. You were too serious. Too cold. Too focused on serious and adult things. A world-sized pout formed in Jungkook's cute face. It is only the third day with you in his life, but he already feels very used to it - your presence of light and warm hugs was able to erase all the years of loneliness that in which he learned to be alone and be satisfied with his own company. Thinking about it he decided to change his plans. He turned off the video game, stretched out and went on an adventure ... He was going to inspect every corner of the house. Field recognition.
He started in the kitchen. He found out where everything, utensils, different types of pots, foods, is kept, and with that he learned a little bit about your personality too... Everything is so methodically organized by category and size that it became very clear that you are a tidy freaky. No problem, learning to respect your habits and quirks, being clean, shouldn't be that difficult. The same style of organization also in the hall closet, and in the bathroom, and on the bookcase for games and movies. He did not enter your room or private office - although the door was open, and he could see a very large bookcase and a table full of papers and an open notebook - because he thought it would be too much intrusion. So the only place on the top floor that went through Jungkook's inspection was the terrace, where your plants are also very well cared for and categorized by type and alphabetical order - including name and scientific name signs. In the tool cabinet, he found gardening tools - as expected - and some useless things or at least he hadn't imagined you'd have ... Like a neon pink pilates ball and an inflatable Santa Claus.
Jungkook lay on the deck chair on the terrace to sunbathe - few times in his life he had this luxury - and took the opportunity to take a nap. He woke up just before lunchtime.
"Y/N?" He checked on your office, and then in the living room.
You weren't back yet, but since it was time for lunch he could finally go after you. Without hesitating he ran downstairs when he saw what time it was, escaping some steps to go faster, and without thinking, or rather remembering, that you probably wouldn't be alone in the office, Jungkook knocked twice on the door and went in before hearing an answer. So he froze by the door when he saw the two men from the other day with you in the room.
You were sharing the office chair with that hybrid - in fact he was practically sitting on your lap while you typed something on the computer, arms around him, both focused on the screen. The other guy, the human, had his back to Jungkook, hunched over the table, also looking at the same thing as you. It must be something important, because none of them noticed Jungkook's presence at first. Once again he felt that he was interrupting something he shouldn't be getting into - the little line forming between your eyebrows, while you read something on the screen in deep concentration saying it. With a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach he also felt that he should be interrupting for sure. No other hybrid should be on your lap while he is home alone.
He was about to cough to get your attention, ready to make it very clear how unhappy he was with the scene, to let you know that your attitude was not cool, but the hybrid looked up from the computer, making eye contact with him. All of Jungkook's feelings are gone all of a sudden, leaving only the need to hide in a hole on the ground.
"Hi." The hybrid smiled at him, eyes turning into two crescent moons.
This made you and the other guy see Jungkook too. The man, who today was dressed as a very stylish grandpa, turned around, sitting on the edge of the table and crossed his arms. JUngkook felt his face getting hot with all eyes on him.
"Oh, JK. I didn't see it's lunchtime already. Sorry." You said, checking your wristwatch.
Jungkook couldn't answer, his voice stuck in his throat.
"We ran into each other in the hall yesterday, right?" The human calmly asked Jungkook, not really waiting for an answer. His eyes were so intimidating, a whole dominating vibe coming from him. "He's the one living with you?"
"Yes! This is Jungkook." You pridely said, giving a light pat on the hybrid knee, so he could let you get up. "And this is Taehyung, my friend who rents the studio across the hall. And this little cutie here Jimin he works for me as a counter."
"I like numbers!" Jimin said, cat ears excitedly pointed up.
"Nice to meet you." Jungkook finally put some word out, still avoiding eye contact.
You closed some folders, saved some docs... Finding it super cute that Jungkook was so shy.
"Let's eat." You stated.
"Finally..." Teahyung and Jimin whined in unison.
Taehyung out of nowhere lost his frightening posture, practically becoming a child right in front of Jungkook. A very excited child.
"Can we get hamburgers today? Last time Jimin chose, and before him was you..." He picked his shoulder bag and went to the door, stopping right next to Jungkook, who practically froze in place.
You followed suit, stopping on the other side of Jungkook, pressing a reassuring hand against the boy's back.
"I actually want to put Jungkook on a healthier diet. A regular meal would be better." You softly but certainly said with a smile, no room for debate. You wouldn't say that out loud, because it would be exposing Jungkook unnecessarily, and you don't know if he would like it, but his blood tests, done at the shelter, showed anemia, among other consequences of a poor diet, even though he is strong his health was not very good, and your plan is to take care of it.
" I think Jungkook could choose, since he is new." Jimin practically put everyone out to lock the door.
The silence that followed made Jungkook look up from the floor to see that the three were looking at him expecting him to say something he wanted to eat.
"Me..meat?" It was the first thing that came to his mind.
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Tag List: @stayunderthelights @deolly @panconte @serendipityoreuphoria @madygswich @namjoonies-dimple @givebuckysomelove @imluckybitches @hoseokslefteyebrow @yzkyzkuniverse @flaring-vibes @justpeachyjoon
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AND PLEASE GIVE LOVE TO THIS WORK OF MINE: Clumsy
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Whumptober Day 13 - Chemical Pneumonia
Fandom: Jedi: Fallen Order
Characters: Cal Kestis, Prauf and Fisher (OC)
Word Count: 1,946
Warnings: Vomiting, mentions of blood, pneumonia and needles.
Cal ignores safety precautions on Bracca, luckily he has friends to look out for him.
It’s early morning when Prauf wakes. It’s too early to get ready for work but too late to go back to sleep. He decides to suck it up and get out of bed, swinging his legs over the side and standing up. The Abednedo stretches his back, grimacing as he feels the clicking and popping of his joints.
Prauf creeps past Cal, sleeping on a mattress in the corner. He knows he needs a bed but the pair don’t make much money between them and Cal doesn’t complain. He hears the soft snores coming from the young redhead, only it’s not the usual sound he’s used to hearing. Cal sounds congested, he hopes he isn’t getting sick; it’s the last thing either of them needed.
Being sick on Bracca wasn’t ideal; the planet wasn’t known for its healthcare but if it came to it Prauf knew he could take the kid to Fisher. Fisher was an older woman who had adopted the role of medic for the scrappers, finding ways to legally and not so legally obtain medical supplies. She’s managed to fly under the radar for the most part and the stormtroopers who knew about her ignored her. After all they weren’t paying for the supplies and as far as they were concerned she was keeping business going.
Prauf moves towards the kitchen, grabbing himself a cup of Caf to start the morning. When he eventually finishes he heads to have a shower and get dressed for the day before waking Cal up.
He doesn't need to however, as he hears shuffling coming from the other room followed by a harsh hacking cough. “You okay pal?” Prauf asks as he moves through the apartment seeing Cal awake and moving in the small kitchen drinking a glass of water. He hides another small cough, clearing his throat before nodding, “yeah I’m good” he smiles.
Cal feels rough, but he knows there is a big shipment coming in today that needs to be broken down and if they want to get the best picks. It’s not long after that the pair are on their way to the scrap yard. Although Bracca was not a place for a child, Prauf enjoyed working with the young boy, he was quick and able to squeeze into small places that he wouldn’t be able to.
By the time they get there Cal is out of breath and exhausted but Prauf is relying on him so he pushes it to the back of his mind.
Cal starts uncontrollably coughing once more, feeling the phlegm rising in the back of his throat before spitting it onto the ground next to him, the red stains alarming him. He kicks dirt over it, trying to ignore it once more; he can get Fisher to check on him later. Thankfully the loud noises around him cover the sound of his heaving and Prauf doesn’t see it.
The day sees the pair going about their normal business, breaking down the scrap ships that had come in and helping other scrappers break down their loads too. Prauf did notice the increase in coughing coming from the younger man, but he knew if Cal wanted to rest or needed to go home that he’d tell him. Until then, he’d just be sure to keep an eye on the younger man.
Near the end of their shift, Cal was rigged, with Prauf spotting removing the last bolts on the ship they were breaking down. Cal can feel himself growing weaker and more tired, he’s unaware of what’s happening until he feels himself slipping. If it hadn’t been for Prauf watching his every move, he would have surely fallen. With the jolt shocking him awake, he decides that’s enough for today.
When he’s on the ground, Prauf approaches him, “what was that Cal?”
Cal rubs the back of his neck, embarrassed at what had just happened. “Just tired I guess” a cough interrupts him, this time he can’t hide the coughing fit that ensues. “Think I might be coming down with something.”
When the pair arrive home, Cal heads straight to bed. Prauf offers him dinner but the younger scrapper declines. He’s glad it’s the pair's day off and he has the chance of a lay in, in the morning.
Prauf decides to stay up later than usual, watching reports on the old holoprojector he had in the apartment. When he eventually heads to bed, it’s late. Prauf does his usual checks, making sure the door to his apartment was locked before checking on Cal, he has a bad feeling after what had happened earlier that day and wants to be sure nothing is wrong.
The abednedo is glad he listened to his instincts as he looks in on Cal, he’s asleep but it’s restless. The younger man is breathing hard and in the dim lights coming through the window, he can see the sweat on Cal’s brow and the congested sound coming as he struggles to draw breath.
Prauf leaves the boy sleeping, against his better judgement but he can’t risk moving him in the state Cal’s in and he’d only be gone for 10 minutes at most. Prauf dons his poncho, pulling his hood over his head and makes his way outside and towards Fisher’s apartment.
Fisher, a medic on Bracca, knows Cal well. She’s looked after him many times before and has come to care about him greatly.
Prauf bangs on the door awaiting a response. After a minute when he hears nothing he bangs again, this time louder with growing anxiety for the sick child at home. “Kriff’s sake, I’m coming!” He didn’t think he’d ever be glad to hear that tone of voice, in all honesty it usually scared him. Fisher opened the door, half asleep wrapping a jacket around her. “This better be important” she scolded. It was only when she looked up from the visitor she knew exactly who was in trouble.
“It’s Cal,” is all Prauf manages to get out before Fisher is grabbing a bag of supplies and her own poncho before closing her apartment door and is making her way to Cal and Prauf’s accommodation.
They arrive in record time, Prauf explaining Cal’s symptoms along the way. She’s sure of her diagnosis but can’t be certain until she’s seen him for herself.
The pair enter the apartment and Fisher wastes no time in rushing to Cal’s side where he’s laying in his bed. He’s pale and sweaty and by the way he’s breathing, Fisher can tell it’s not easy for him. She places the back of her hand against his forehead and shakes her head as she feels the heat coming off him, she removes the blankets earning a whine from the younger man.
“I know, sweetheart. You’re burning up, I need to get you cooled down,” she coos gently. She turns to Prauf asking him for a cold flannel which he brings, not needing to be asked before placing it gently on the younger man’s forehead.
The medic grabs his wrist in her hand, her finger tips finding the pulse point there, alarmed at the racing beat she feels. She leans her ear against Cal’s chest, listening for the telltale crackling noises she’s expecting. After a few more questions to Prauf and her assessment she’s confident.
“He’s got pneumonia. Likely aspiration pneumonia from the shit he’s been breathing in. Has he not got a respirator?” She asks incredulously.
“He mentioned he’d need a new one soon, come to mention it, I haven’t seen him carrying one on his belt lately.”
“Shit,” Fisher exclaims. “Stupid, stupid boy, when he’s conscious we’ll be having words.”
Prauf has been worriedly pacing the floor of his apartment since Fisher has arrived, “so what can we do?”
Fisher is already rummaging through her bag, “I’ve got antibiotics that will help, but rest and fluids are the only real healers here,” she says as she pulls out a large capped cannula, tourniquet and a bag of fluids. She’s quickly able to set up an IV, shhing Cal gently as he moans when the needle goes into the back of his hand. Fisher injects a liquid Prauf is sure is the first dose of antibiotics because attaching and hanging the bag of fluids.
Fisher decides to stay, she’s better able to help Cal if she’s close and if she were telling the truth, she feels better keeping an eye on the boy she’s grown to care for like a son. Prauf keeps her company, thankfully it’s the pair's day off but he’s dreading having to tell the empire of Cal’s condition and the pay cut they’re going to face this month. Still, he’d rather have Cal safe and well.
A few hours pass when Cal finally stirs, the fluid’s having perked him up somewhat. He wakes in a fit of coughs, groaning at the ache in his chest, but already the headache he’d had before is fading and he feels better already. The first thing he feels when he wakes is the tug in his hand as he spies the IV taped to the back of his hand. Next he feels a small hand helping him to sit up, turning his head he sees Fisher. She helps him sit up, supporting him with a hand on his chest while the other gently rubs his back.
“That’s it, cough it up.”
After he’s done, Fisher grabs his pillow, fluffing it up so Cal could be elevated in his bed, gently lowering him back.
“How’re you feeling?” She asks, gently smoothing back his hair, relieved that even in a few hours his temperature has gone down, the strong antibiotics clearly doing their job.
“What happened?”
“You’ve got aspiration pneumonia, you’re going to be out for a few weeks while you recover.”
Cal attempts to sit up, shocked by that announcement, but Fisher is quick to lower him back down. “I can’t…we need the credits? Prauf?”
Prauf coughs, making his presence known, walking over to where the pair are. “We’ll sort it Cal, I’ve got savings for a reason.”
Cal opens his mouth to argue, but one look from the abednedo has Cal holding his tongue.
“We’ll get by, we always do.”
The three sit in silence for a while before Prauf speaks once more, “now, do you want to tell me what happened to your respirator?”
Cal lowers his head, shamed that he’d been found out. His breather had broken a few weeks before, he didn’t have enough credits for a new one, so he thought he’d be fine until the next pay day. Clearly he was wrong, and now he’d be losing out on more credits due to his mistake. His expression and unwillingness to look at either Fisher or Prauf says it all.
Fisher smacks the younger man’s knee lightly, “you fool, do you have any idea how seriously ill you could have got? If you need credits for equipment to keep you safe, you come to me,” she scolds.
“Or me,” Prauf announces from next to the medic.
“I’m sorry, I just didn’t want to bother either of you.”
Fisher shakes her head, “get some rest Cal, I’ll be back to check on you later,” she says as she stands to leave. “Might even bring some of that soup you like so much, if you behave.”
Cal smiles lightly at that, he knows he shouldn’t have put his health on the line like that but he’s glad no permanent damage was done. He’s even more grateful that he’s found kind-hearted friends, no, family on the planet he so cruelly found himself on all those years ago.
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The Blood Sacrifice’s True Ugly
“Broken migrant, knife through heel—sing your praise so hell can hear. Where did you come from? The strange, we walk, the touch we feel…Could you find a way to love us all? Don’t wake up.” – Coheed & Cambria
Day Two @mmangstweek . I’m definitely trying to NOT turn this into a Jumin x MC fic rofl. I’m failing miserably. A LOT of triggers in this one, i’m sorrry. With a character whose power is blood sacrifice you can’t expect this to be a happy story until the end…maybe.
Triggers: Bodily harm (both self and from others)
MC’s father hid her eyes behind his hands. Beneath her knees where she had collapsed in front of her mother—she felt the thick and sticky liquid that smelt too much like iron. Her father clutched her closer and his shoulders trembled as he pulled her against his chest. He wouldn’t let her look. And that was okay. It wasn’t too long after that she forgot her mother’s face, and her mother’s name. She didn’t know why; she tried to think of all the good times, all her favorite moments with the woman, but all she could see was an empty face as blank as a wiped chalkboard.
From then on, her father dressed her in a surplus of thick, long clothes. From turtlenecks and gloves to long sock and trousers, not an inch of her wasn’t covered up in some form or capacity. The only place she was allowed visible was her face. He told her it was unlikely for her to bleed there. “Such a pretty face shouldn’t be hidden”, he smiled sadly.
He must’ve been traumatized, she figured. The death of her mother too much for him. He didn’t want to risk her getting hurt. So she stayed careful. Stayed cautious.
The times with him were fond.
He loved walking in the park on the days that were warm. Not an afternoon during the summer, the spring, and the fall were wasted inside. He would pick her up from school, and he would park at a nearby convenience store. Together, they would walk in, and he would buy a coffee and she a soda; he’d purchase dinner from there too, a pair of sandwiches or a couple of hotdogs—whichever was cheaper. From there they would walk down the sidewalk to the local park. Her father was a man of few words, and she was fine with that. Someone like him didn’t need to speak much to show what was on his mind. So she would skip along side him and tell him about her day at school, about the few friends she’d made, about her favorite book that she’d read. He would smile. And she would smile back.
As she grew older, however, her steps became a little less light. He never changed: the same stride, the same tired glance, the same expectations of her to stay covered up. The same old walks in the same old park.
But she changed.
When she entered high school, she figured he was a prude—after all, that was what her classmates called her because of her dress and certainly her wardrobe was not her decision.
The one time she’d mentioned it to him, she said she would like to wear a sun dress, his characteristic passive look had warped. His brow knitted and his lip curled. His eyes stormed. His jaw clenched. “Absolutely not MC”. She had never heard him so frustrated; so scared. For the moment she would apologize and leave it alone. Afterall, he’d never done wrong by her before.
Winter tumbled in harshly during the near tail end of her senior year in high school. They didn’t go outside for walks. She wanted to leave. For once she wanted to leave the house and do whatever she wanted. But with the snow-in came a surprising amount of stern behavior from him. He didn’t let her leave. Normally she did the errands; now he did. Normally she went for the groceries. He would take the car out and return within the hour with whatever they needed for the week. More and more often, he hovered. “Ice is dangerous”, MC. She started to sit and stare out the window, wondering what would happen if she just left. “You could slip and fall, MC”. She stopped wearing her socks, and wore stockings and skirts instead of pants. “What would happen if you hurt yourself”? His stare was less endearing and more crazed.
It was evening. She remembered it like that. The sun crested itself just barely above a hill hollowed of any trees or brush. Rid of anything she might scrape herself on. She was gazing out the kitchen window while she was grating the vegetables for their dinner that evening.
He ranted to her about how he disapproved of her going outside without her gloves on.
Brow twitched, she scraped a carrot harder against the grater. Her father growled on about how it was irresponsible of her to go without anything protecting her fingers. She snapped, whipped around, and sliced the side of her palm against the sharp little edges of the kitchen utensil.
“God, I wish you’d just leave me alone!”
MOBILE USERS HERE IS WHERE, THE TW KICKS IN. FOR WHATEVER REASON, MOBILE IS NOT KEEPING THE “KEEP READING” LINK
His expression into hurt, and his big brown eyes widened. Hands fell to the side and he stuttered. His eyes lowered and noticed the slice on her hand, shiny red blood trickling down her wrist.
Her father’s eyes widened, he yelped with a cracked voice and reached out suddenly . “MC—”
Then he was gone.
There was no flash or snap or brush of magic. Just one moment he was there. And the next he wasn’t.
At first she thought it was a joke, or something to make her feel bad. She waited for him to go home. Upstairs, she wrapped her hand with gauze after applying a little bit of disinfectant. He didn’t come home. Took a shower, put on pajamas, made apology hot chocolate. She even did some of her homework, but by the time the clock read three am, and her father wasn’t home—she could only hope that he’d gone to cool off from the argument. In her mind she couldn’t remember the last time they’d gotten into a fight. Perhaps he thought that they both needed a little bit of time. He’d be back in the morning, she told herself.
He did not come home the next morning.
She waited for a day. Then two. On the third day, she looked through obituaries, her emails, the news, anything to tell her if he had died or gone missing. She called the police on the fifth day. She told them he was missing—they told her he was not.
Her father never came home again.
MC stopped going to school. She worked a job, but never made the money to keep the house. Although somehow the bills were always paid and on time. She didn’t know why her father was staying away, if he was clearly alive and well.
At the time, she wondered why he would listen to such a simple wish.
But that was her second encounter with Blood Sacrifice.
Later in her life, since she didn’t have the finalized education higher than middle school, MC had resorted to some…undesirable jobs. After one night with a man, he’d accidentally cut her thigh with his belt buckle. He’d been purring in her ear as he was leaving about how he wished she would give him another hour. She’d been done for the night. But her body seized as he apologized profusely for the injury. Her own limbs worked against her—wrapping her arms around his neck, and pulling him closer as she told him she’d give him another hour if he paid for it—he was ecstatic, the bleeding gash forgotten.
Her third encounter with Blood Sacrifice.
MC found more and more people somehow figured out about her power. Someone stabbed her in the bicep with an ice scraper, they wished for money to pay off a loan-shark’s loan. Another person tore her lip while they were kissing her, they wished for their wife’s undying love so they wouldn’t have to keep seeing MC. Bit by bit, her body became a bit more tore up as she gave more and more of her wishes away. She’d tried to stab herself too, right above her collar-bone. She wished to see her father again, for him to sweep her away so she could cry against her chest and tell him she was so sorry for stupid words during an even more stupid argument.
Shortly after that wish, as she hobbled through her home city, she discovered two things. While she’d been living in an alley the past few years, in the sheltered shadow of a dumpster—more and more people like her had appeared. They were called Oddities; people with strange mutations and powers of all sorts, just like characters from old time comic books and superhero movies.
The second thing she discovered, was her father. It was fall, and she’d been close to that local grocery store they’d frequented so much—it was the first time since his disappearance. A church had been built behind there. That was new. She snuck in, through the back, hoping she could find loose bulletins she could use as mats for her bed. Instead she found a wall of cremated people. Her father’s name among the dozens.
She smiled. He really had just left her alone.
Life after that was blurry. She collapsed at the wall of burned bodies. Her vision swam. Who knew how many days it’d been since she fell there. A flash of golden hair as bright as flames, and brilliant green eyes just as warm as frozen jade. A tender hand around her wrist, pulling her—a Savior from death or a Sentencer to life…
And then nothing.
MC shrieked as she sat up. An IV had been strapped to her arm and a heart monitor beeped pleasantly next to her. In front of her, with his hand recoiling from her temple, was the crazy ghost in the suit from earlier. Except this time he wasn’t a specter. His fingers had left a warm graze angst her head.
She seethed, knowing perfectly well what happened. “You. Read. My. Memories.”
“I,” he paused, as if considering what to say be for narrowing his grey eyes and setting his expression as blank as snow. “I did. They were as open as a journal entry. Thank you for your cooperation.”
She searched for anything to cut herself on—she was going to kill him.
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Begin Again - (Chapter IV)
Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor and have very little medical knowledge, so I apologize for any mistakes
Previously...
The Beginning
Oxford, England
He felt like he was floating, just beneath the surface of a lake, the buoyancy of his body bringing him closer and closer to the surface.
It was very similar to when you’re half asleep and it suddenly feels like you’re falling, but just before you hit the ground your body jerks you awake.
He didn’t remember much of the accident, but he did remember the weeks where he lived somewhere outside his body—the in between— and he remembered it vividly.
It was a sort of comfort, to wake up and be somewhat familiar with your surroundings. Not just waking up somewhere and having no idea how you got there in the first place.
Time had not been kind to him. He was once in peak condition, the perfect balance between muscle and fat. Now, he had been reduced to almost nothing. The only source of nutrition he had was a GI tube that snaked its way down from his nose into his stomach.
Lying in a hospital bed for months without leaving it for even a moment allowed his muscles to atrophy to nothing. He looked almost skeletal: the framework of his bones so clear and visible beneath the skin that he looked as though he would shatter if a fly landed on him.
His skin was once sun-kissed, though still pale. But now there was absolutely no color to him at all. He practically blended in with the stark-white of the hospital sheets.
His cheeks were gaunt, every socket and hollow in his skull pronounced as his skin clung to bone. His eyes were sunken into his skull, with deep dark bags just underneath.
He looked nothing like himself, he was quite literally a ghost.
Jenny was reduced to sobs when she saw him. The feeling bittersweet—because while he was finally awake after weeks of hoping and praying; they hardly recognized him.
It was different, seeing the man who she knew to be her brother inside this body. It wasn’t the same as looking at his inert form that never spoke or moved.
The only identifiable features that were pure Jamie was the short copper hair on his head that had been shaved when he arrived, and crystal blue eyes. And even then he looked an impostor.
Wee Jamie was terrified of his uncle, he refused to hug or even look at him. It pained all of them to see him react that way, because his uncle was once his favorite person in the world. But he was too young to comprehend the tragedy that had befallen him, and what time takes from a person who is completely helpless.
They all looked at him differently now. His father, Jenny, and Ian. They were grateful that God had returned him to them, but they would never look at him without thinking about the accident and the aftermath. It would plague them for the rest of their lives.
It made Jamie feel guilty. Not that anything that happened was his fault, but he couldn’t help but think that they would never be the same family they were.
But at least there was Claire.
“You’re awake!” She exclaimed with her eyes wide and a grin so big it was almost comical.
She’d heard the news a few hours earlier, but gave Jamie some time to get reacquainted with himself and his surroundings.
Jamie looked up from the book he was reading—though he had no idea what it was about, he just enjoyed the feeling of it in his hands.
He returned the smile in kind, “So I am.”
Claire made her way over to his bedside, quickly checking him over with her pen-light and stethoscope, making sure his vitals were somewhat normal before planting herself in the chair next to him.
“Well, how do you feel?”
Jamie exhaled with a small chuckle and placed the book on the bedside table. “Like I've been hit by a bus.”
She laughed and nervously attempted to smooth the creases in her scrubs before returning her gaze back to him. “Well, you’re not far off.” She paused for a moment, and took a breath.
“Do you remember anything? About the accident, I mean.”
Jamie sighed and closed his eyes, trying to think back. “No, not really. The last thing I remember was singing along to the radio on my way to work. Next thing I know i’m lying in a hospital bed attached to every machine on the planet.” He lifted an arm that was connected to an IV—along with a heartbeat monitor clipped to his finger—in example.
It wasn’t the full truth, but he wasn’t about to tell her that his ‘astral projection’ —or whatever the hell it might be—observed nearly everything that happened in between. The last thing he needed was to be committed to a psych ward.
Claire frowned and then shrugged, getting up and moving away from the chair. “Well, perhaps it’s better that way.” She gave him a friendly smile and took another step towards the door.
She hesitated, turning back to look at him.
Jamie cocked his head to the side in confusion after she didn’t say anything. “Is there something on my face?” He brought up a hand to wipe at his mouth before looking at it and finding nothing.
“No, it’s just… Now that you’re awake, there’s going to be a lot of physical therapy and all sorts of tests. The road back to recovery won’t be easy, and there will be times when you just want to give up. Just… try to remember that you’ve come back from the brink of death, and the worst is already behind you.”
At least I hope. She added, only to herself
She’d been right, it wasn’t easy. It was almost as if he’d been reborn and had to learn everything for the first time again.
It felt good to finally leave that bed, but he could hardly walk. His legs weren’t used to supporting his weight, thin as he was.
The first time he’d seen his reflection, he thought someone else was staring back at him, only to realize the wraith in the mirror was indeed him.
Everything took time, and Jamie was impatient. He’d already wasted three months of his life withering away to nothing, and now he had to work to get it all back.
But he was determined. Even if his body wouldn’t do what he was telling it to, he never gave up. He learned to appreciate all the little things in his life, because he knew it could all be gone in a second. He’d been lucky. Lucky that he hadn’t lost his life, or the ability to walk or think or talk. Because he knew that there were people who weren’t so lucky, and people who would never have a second chance.
Not once did he take it for granted. He would return to the man he had been, it all just took time.
Therapy was thorough and rigorous, but it needed to be. Although surgeons were able to set the bones in his hand, he had no use for it while he was comatose. Doctors would need to move and flex his hand for him, so it wouldn’t become stiff and immobile—so he would still have use of it in the hopes that he would wake up.
It was painful, working to try and get back to who he was before. His hand would never regain complete range of motion, but at least he could have some.
He would need to come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t possible to be who he was before. The accident happened, and he couldn’t just go back in time and undo it; as much as he might like to. His body bore plenty of scars that would be a constant reminder, it was a part of him now.
Claire visited him often—whenever she had the chance. She was no longer assigned to his case, and either way he would be discharged soon.
She always had some excuse to see him, but the real reason she kept to herself.
Jamie scrunched his nose and spit out the bland bread that he’d been chewing. “I’ve been here nigh on four months, and I still haven’t gotten used to the food.” He chuckled and wiped his mouth with a napkin.
“Technically seven,” She corrected. “And I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to get used to it.” Claire flashed him a smile, whiskey eyes sparkling.
He could stare into her eyes for hours and never tire of it. He wanted to drown in them.
“Aye, well. I think the first thing i’m doing once i’m out is getting a big, greasy hamburger with large fries. And a shake.” He had tried to wink, but it turned out to be more of a slow, owlish blink than anything.
She closed her eyes and smiled, her mouth watering at the thought.
At that moment her pager went off, announcing that she was needed elsewhere. She looked at it and frowned, returning her attention back to Jamie
“Well, that’s my cue. If I don’t see you before you’re discharged, just know that it was a pleasure to meet you, and I wish you the best of luck.”
Before Jamie even had the chance to respond, she was gone.
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Collide: Chapter 8
Hi everyone, I have wrote another chapter, I am still working on my Msc so I will try to update and post when I can. Think of this chapter as a bridging chapter onto the next storyline.
Probably best that this one is for over 18s only. As always the chracter as PBs unless there are the ones i’ve made up.
Summary: The aftermath of a car accident brings with it the end of secret and lies; but to what end?
What? Riley asked in astonishment in a half laugh
“Lady Riley Holligan…you are the love of my life…my world…and I have asked you to be my wife” Liam answers while taking her hand, as he does, he kneels by the bedside while his other hand takes a small black box from his pocket.
“Oh my gosh” Riley responds “Liam…I…I…what about Madeline….your married”
“Sshhhh” Liam soothed “that’s not an issue….what is an issue is I’m not getting any younger kneeling on this floor….I’m not used to it….more the other way around…”he smiles.
Riley’s eyes look into Liam’s blue eyes….knowing the answer….”yes….Yes” she squealed in delight “of course” Liam returning Riley’s gaze leaning in and met her lips with a passionate kiss, they kissed as they had both been starved of each other and each other was now their own oasis.
Carol gasped in delight watching this scene unfold in front of her. Liam and Riley now remembering they are not alone breaking apart smiling. Liam gently opened the box to show Riley the ring. A beautiful white gold ring with a Sapphire in the middle with an even set of diamonds surrounding it before placing it in her finger. At this moment Carol was bursting with delight and unable to contain herself any longer broke in a hugged her daughter “Ive missed you so much….I thought….” Carol finding, she was unable to finish that sentence. Carol kissed her daughter cheek and smiled….”I am so proud of you….oh….” reality was now hitting Carol “am I……. The future queen mother?” Carol turns as she questions Liam. “I suppose yes you are” Liam laughs.
“Ouch” Riley cried out holding her head “my head”
Riley….What is it?” Liam asked in a panic
“My head….it’s killing me!” Riley responded
Carol rushed out to get Dr Evans, and soon returned with him.
“Ah, Miss Holligan. I see you’ve returned to us, how are you feeling?”
“My head hurts….really bad?” Riley replied
“Well, yes you’ve been through a lot,” Dr Evan responds “ it’s normal to have some initial dizziness and headaches….it will take time to settle…...I’ll have a nurse check your vitals and give you something for the pain”
A few minutes later the nurse came into the room checking Riley’s vitals and gave her something for the pain. With the medication making her tired Riley feel back into a deep sleep. Liam sat holding her hand which now adorned her engagement ring, happy and contented she was back and back to him.
Liam left the room to contact Drake and Olivia informing them of Riley responding since waking up. He asked that the bring Kimmy to see her mum tomorrow. Bastien who was outside the room could here the commotion from earlier, “ Sir, I take it congratulations are in order?” As he holds out his hand for a handshake. Liam smiles returning the handshake “yes, thank you Bastien….oh can you see to Lady Riley security please….I want them here first thing in the morning….and Bastien I want the best….fly them out here if needed.
“Sir,” Bastien nods “I will arrange for her private security right away” Bastien responded.
“Thank you” Liam replies.
Liam left the hospital for the first time in weeks. Carol was staying tonight. Liam wanted to be fresh for he and Riley’s first time with Kimmy as a family. As he left the hospital the press still ever present were shocked their patience paid off, some journalists gave up and went onto other stories, but some remained persistent. Liam walked past them Bastien next to him, ignoring their questions. They began to speculate was this good or bad the king left the side of Lady Riley?? Soon fake news posted on social media and trashy news sites had said Lady Riley had died and the King was leaving to mourn his loss. This made Liam angry, the press was always after her blood, would she ever see peace. Back at the hotel, Liam spoke with Regina regarding his engagement. Regina now knew better than to mention how soon it was after Madeline death, in fact she knew better than to mention her name. Deep down though out-with the politics she was genuinely happy for him. He was now going to have his family together.
They next day Liam rose early, finally having the chance of a good night’s sleep and a shave he looked 10 years younger than the week before. Arriving at the hospital room with Bastien he nodded to a young man standing outside the door, smartly dressed in a dark suit with an ear piece. “Sir” Bastien said “this is David Worth….Lady Riley’s personal security as requested” David turned to Liam “Sir” as he gave another respectful nod. “Have you met with Lady Riley yet?” Liam asked. “Er yes sir,” David replied “Lady Rileys mother caught me standing outside and was ready to call 911….I managed to reason with her an explain who I was….the commotion woke up Lady Riley….I had a chance to introduce myself and meet with her….we plan to go over further security details when you both got here today at a more suitable time”
“Okay, thank you David” Liam responded and made his way into Riley’s room.
“Hello, how are you feeling” Liam asks Riley with a smile.
“Better” Riley replied “ and safer” she continues sitting upright in bed nodding at the door.
“Riley….I have…” Liam answers
“I know….and thank you….thank you for taking care of me….” Riley responds with a smile.
As the morning continued Riley, Carol left, and Riley managed to eat some breakfast and Liam was able to support her having a shower. “This is nice” Riley murmurs as Liam helps with her shower the water washing over her body as Liam gently washes her. Liam smiles as he gently whispers in her ear “wait until your better and I can show you how nice it can be.” This message sent a jolt of anticipation through Riley’s body. Riley smiled, grabbing Liam pulling him into the shower with her. Liam’s and Riley’s mouth caressing and touching each other, their tongues passionate and hungry. Riley’s hands run through Liam’s now wet hair. As their kisses deepen, Liam’s hands glide over Riley’s naked wet breasts down her body to her legs, and as he does stop to spend time to touch and caress the nipple building her need. Liam mouth leaves Riley lips, his kisses now trailing from her neck to her breasts, however not stopping kissing lower and lower before reaching her inner thighs “oh gosh, Liam…” Riley pants unsure how much she can hold back.
“Is this Okay? Do you want me to stop…?” Liam asked
“never” Riley gasped. Liam continues kissing Riley’s inner thigh before moving to lift her leg over his shoulder and pressing his lips to her most sensitive area, his tongue taking time and care to massage this spot, before using his fingers to work inside her, working and building her to her ecstasy. Riley feeling the pleasure building inside her could do nothing but cry out Liam’s name as she threw back her head. Liam held her through her climax, taking everything, she could give before gently placing her leg back down. Riley trying to catch her breath as Liam stood up smiling, reaching out to touch Riley’s chin before gently kissing her. “How was that my Queen?” Liam asked
“Worth the headache” Riley replied.
“Oh Riley…I didn’t think” Liam quickly replied apologetically. “I got caught up in the moment”
“Don’t be” Riley smiled “ and yes, I can’t wait to get you home either”
“Hello” a voice shouted through from outside the door.
“Shit” Liam replied remembering he was very wet in his clothes. Riley started to laugh as she shouted back “be out in a minute”
Riley quickly dried herself off, placing on a bathrobe as Liam futilely tried to dry off also.
As Riley left the shower room, she saw Olivia holding Tommy, with Drake alongside her, and Kimmy stood there. Riley observed that Drake and Olivias eyes were looking behind her, and Riley knew a very wet Liam had stepped out the room also. “I slipped as I was helping Riley shower” the voice said from behind. Olivia said nothing as she raised an eyebrow, as Drake stood next to her smirked shaking his head. Kimmy totally unaware of anything ran towards her mum as Riley scooped her up giving her the tightest cuddle, she’s ever gave anyone, “mummy your awake….I’ve missed you.”
“And I’ve missed you” Riley replied giving Kimmy another kiss and tight cuddle.
The day wore on Kimmy, Liam and Riley got caught up, with Drake and Olivia leaving them and coming back a few hours later. As Carol returned to take Kimmy home, Riley asked the questions Liam was waiting on. “Where’s Madeline?” “Where’s Tariq” “what happened when she was unconscious” Liam, Olivia and Drake filled Riley in on her life that she missed when unconscious. “I can’t be sorry she’s gone Liam….she tried to ruin my life” Riley responded to the news.
“Nor, do I wish you to be” Liam replied “Madeleine has been seen for what she was now, thanks to Ana who has been getting the right story out there”
“Ana?” Riley asked
“Ana de Luca the reporter….you sent her the email” Liam states
Then Riley remembered the recording, “where’s my phone?” Riley asked
“I have the recording,” Liam explains “I heard it all”
With either relief and exhaustion Riley began to cry, Liam hugging her tightly. “It’s all over” he reassured. Riley nodded not quite believing after all the years the bitch was gone and out of their lives.
Over the next week Riley and Liam agreed that the engagement would be announced when they got to Cordonia, Ana would run the story with the pictures. The remainder of the press would get a statement, although to Liam it was more than they deserved. Plans were made for Riley’s discharge from hospital, but also to pack up her life in New York. Olivia, Drake and Tommy returned home earlier that week. Carol was going to join Riley and Kimmy in Cordonia. For both of them it was quite easy to move on. Family were each other and their only ties to anywhere. As Riley left the hospital the press flash bulbs continued as did the questions, “what did she think of the plot against her?” “Madeline?” “What were her plans now?” “What of the crown princess?” for Riley they were easy questions to ignore. She hated the press, she owed them nothing; they helped ruin her reputation. Liam and Riley went to the waiting SUV, picking up Carol and Kimmy on route to the airport. On arrival she made her way up the jet stairs turning around to take one last look at New York, her life here was over….now surely, she and Liam would have their happy ending?
“Sir” Basiten called to Liam handing him a piece of paper as they both stepped into the plane. Liam looked to Bastien as he read the paper “Christ” Liam reponded, we need to get home now”.
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Body Aches - Then There Were Three Part 3 (Liam x MC)
Pairing: Liam x Riley
Summary: Riley and Liam's journey towards parenthood continues... but what happens when riley and Liam are woken by a frantic madeleine?
Word Count: 3,462
Masterlist <—–
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Riley was hitting 20 weeks; her bump was very much there. Being at her five-month mark, Riley's energy had come bouncing back. she had more energy than she knew what to do with. Liam didn’t think Riley's sex drive could be any higher than it already was before she fell pregnant…but when she started coming into the second trimester she was an animal. she didn’t care where they were…what they were doing…she had to have him. It got to the point where Liam had to have his meetings at the other side of the palace to Riley's. he didn’t want to be so far away from her, but when he was just a few doors down, whenever he had a break between meetings, he would find Riley at his office door, ready to jump his bones, as much as he loved pleasing his wife, he ended up running late for meetings because of it.
“Liam?!” Riley called from the wardrobe, she had been in there for ages. “Liam!” she repeated as she walked out in her nightwear, into the bedroom, where Liam was dressing for bed.
“yes sweetie?” he stood looking down at his phone, wearing just his trousers.
Riley stood pushing her breasts together, with a questionable look on her face. “do my boobs look bigger?” “what?” he chuckled “my boobs…do they look bigger?...my bras don’t fit…like at all …I mean I knew they were getting bigger but…I didn’t think it would be by this much so fast, I mean I just got new ones two weeks ago because the ones before them weren’t fitting” “yes, they look a little bigger.” “a little?” she asked as she walked over to Liam and took his hand and placed it on her left breast
“Riley I-”
“does it feel bigger?”
“yeah…a lot actually…”
“right! I thought I was going crazy!”
“is that supposed to happen?”
“oh yes, it’s perfectly normal, it’s just my breasts getting ready to for my milk to come in when the baby comes, I just didn’t think they would grow so fast”
“that’s crazy” he whispered
“Liam” Riley smirked
“yeah?”
“your hands still on my boob”
“oh right!” Liam smirked as he pulled his hand back.
“I think we should start thinking about a nursery” Riley grinned
“a nursery?”
“yes, I have all of this energy I don’t want to waste it, in a couple of months I’m gonna be too big and too tired, I want to be able to help put it all together and get ready for the baby.”
“that’s sounds great, we can go over some ideas and stuff”
“okay I would love that, maybe we could watch a movie? Have a sort of date night, tomorrow?”
“hmm I would love that” Liam smirked as he placed his hands gently on Riley's hips.
“me too, ive missed you”
“ive not been anywhere” Liam chuckled
“I know…but ive hardly seen you the last week or two” she whispered shyly
“ive missed you too” he smiled lovingly as he pulled her into his embrace.
After the two finished dressing, they climbed into bed. As Riley sat herself down, she let out a sigh.
“what’s wrong?” Liam asked as he pulled the duvet over him.
“nothing…my backs just in a little pain, its fine” she whispered as she lay down.
“is there anything I can do to make it better?”
“you could rub my back for me” she smirked causing Liam to do the same.
“Alright, come here” Riley lay on her side, cuddling into Liam's chest, as he gently ran his hand up and down her back.
“how’s that?”
“Mmmm perfect” she sighed contently.
“you have magic hands” she smirked
“I do?”
“Mhmmm extremely magical” Riley mumbled as she relaxed, falling into a light slumber.
It was a few hours later when Riley woke again, she let out a sigh as her eye’s flickers opened. Looking over to the side table, she seen the time “three-thirty eugh” she groaned as she climbed out of bed and headed for the bathroom. Once she had done her business, she headed for the kitchenette, in search of some cookies. She shuffled over to the cabinet above the sink. She opened the cupboard then sighed as she seen the cookies sitting on the top shelf.
“dammit Liam” she mumbled as she looked around the room for something to use to help her get to them, there were chairs, but she knew Liam would just about murder her if he found out she was climbing on chairs whilst pregnant. She really didn’t want to wake him up, but she also REALLY wanted those cookies. She let out a sigh then went back to the bedroom, she walked around to where Liam was sleeping then leaned over him.
“Liam” she whispered trying not to startle him.
“Liam!” she repeated causing him to move a little.
“Liam wake up” she called softly. Liam groaned as he flickered his eyes open, running his hands over his face.
“Riley?” he mumbled “w-what’s wrong? is everything okay?”
“I can’t reach the cookies,”
“what?” he asked confused
“the cookies…I can’t reach them, could…could you get them for me?”
“what time is it?” he mumbled as he threw the duvet off him and climbed out of the bed.
“three thirty” Riley whispered shyly as she followed behind him
“three thirty? Riley…what are you doing up?” he asked as he made his way into the kitchen
“our baby wasn’t being nice to my bladder…then I got hungry”
Liam stopped in front of the cabinet as Riley sat herself down at the little breakfast bar. He opened the cupboard removing the cookies and placing them on the counter in front of Riley.
“do you need anything else?” he asked as he sat himself down next to her.
“no, I’m fine” she smiled “you can go back to bed if you want, I’m sorry for waking you”
“no, no its okay, I’d rather you woke me up, sweetie”
“but…we have to be up early…now I-I’ve woke you up” Riley could feel herself starting to get emotional. “I don’t…I don’t want you to be tired.” She sniffled. As soon as Liam seen her getting emotional he wrapped his closest arm around her, pulling her gently into his embrace. “hey now, it’s alright sweetie…you don’t have to be upset, it’s okay”
“but-”
“but nothing, come on, why don’t you have one of these cookies?” he smiled comfortingly as he held her close
“no, I’m not hungry anymore, I’m sorry” she sniffled
“stop apologising” he whispered as he leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on her head. “c’mon why don’t we go back to bed?” he asked softly
“Mhmmm that sounds good…” she nodded as she wiped her cheeks. “alright come on” Liam stood from his seat as did Riley, then the two headed back to the bedroom, Liam walked Riley around to the side she slept on, he helped her into the bed, pulling the duvet over her. “now do you need water or anything?” “no, I’ll be okay…. thank you, Liam, I love you” “I love you too, now go to sleep” he smirked then placed a kiss on her lips before climbed into bed.
The next morning, Liam awoke to his alarm whilst Riley just slept right through it. Liam quietly made his way to the bathroom, where he showered and brushed his teeth. it was about twenty minutes into his shower when he heard Riley scream his name. “LIAM!!! QUICK!!!” Riley had woken up just a few minutes earlier, feeling the baby starting to kick she called for Liam. It wasn’t the first time the baby kicked, she had been properly kicking for a good month or so, before that was more fluttery feelings, but every time she tried to get Liam to feel it, he would tell her he couldn’t feel it, but this time…they were stronger. As soon as Liam heard her shout, he jumped from the shower, grabbing a towel as he ran into the bedroom, trying to wrap the towel around his waist, fumbling as he went. As he entered the room, he slipped on the wood flooring from the water falling from him. He groaned as he hit the floor, quickly pulling himself together he scrambled over to the bed, pulling himself up, onto the bed, he reached over and placed his hand on Riley's stomach as she lay with the duvet pulled off her, giving him full access to her stomach. That’s when he felt it. The kick. His son or daughter…letting them know she’s was doing alright…she was going strong.
“wow” Liam whispered in shock. “That’s amazing, that’s so strong, she’s tiny how is she so strong” he chuckled
“It’s amazing isn’t it”
“It’s amazing!” he smirked as he moved closer to Riley, hovering over her “thank you” he whispered before leaning down, Liam gently leaned his forehead on Riley's. “for what?” she asked smiling. “for giving me the gift of a child, for bearing our son or daughter, for keeping her safe until she’s ready to meet us, I will spend my life trying to make you as happy as I am right in this moment.” He leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on Riley's lips. Riley quickly responded to the kiss, she placed her hands gently on the back of his neck, pulling him in a little. “I love you” Liam smirked “I love you too” she smiled before pecking his lips. Liam's gently moved back then placed a kiss on Riley's bump causing her to giggle “and we love you too” he smiled as he gently rubbed his hand on her belly.
“I can’t believe in about four months we’re going to have her in our arms”
“you know…in my baby book it says that, if you talk to her, she should be able to hear you, and when it comes to being born, she will recognise our voices”
“she can hear us?”
“yeah, that’s what it says?”
“do you think maybe, it would be okay, If I started reading to her?”
“of course, Liam, you don’t have to ask” she smiled “oh and for the record…you have referred to our baby as a girl…multiple times…I think you should admit I was right”
“I have haven’t I” he smirked “alright…I was wrong, I think it’s a girl”
“she’s kicking…a lot right now.”
“I know I can feel it…”
“it’s you”
“what?”
“Mhmmm I swear when you’re anywhere near me, she goes crazy”
“really?”
“yeah…I think she’s very much going to be a daddy’s girl”
“of course, she is” Liam chuckled as he placed butterfly kisses all over Riley's stomach.
“Liam” she smirked
“yeah?” he looked up at her.
“the showers still running”
“oh sh-” he jumped up from the bed
“Language! She can hear you” Riley chuckled cutting him off
“sorry” he called from the bathroom
After Liam had showered and dressed and Riley was ready for the day, they made their way down to the physician’s office where Riley and Liam were about to have their 20-week scan and hopefully find out the sex of the baby.
“she’s moving like crazy” Riley chuckled as Liam helped her up onto the hospital bed whilst they waited for the physician. Liam took his place in the seat beside the bed, Riley's hand in his.
“I’m nervous” Riley whispered after a moment of silence between them.
“tell me why?” Liam asked as he squeezed her hand
“the doctors going to be looking to make sure there’s nothing wrong with the baby, I’m just a little nervous that somethings going to show up.”
“hey, no matter what happens we will deal with it. I’m sure the baby is going to be fine, but if for any reason she isn’t, we’ll deal with it, I promise” he smiled
“I know, I just, it’s scary”
“I know sweetie”
“Liam, thank you”
“for what?”
“for being my rock”
“I will always be your rock sweetie”
“I know” she smiled as the doctor walked in.
“how are you?” the physician asked
“great thank you”
“good, now today, I’m just going to be checking on the baby, make sure everything’s alright, hopefully we can get a look at whether we have a little prince or princess on the way, now before I proceed, I have to ask if you want to know the sex of the baby, just so I know to avoid mentioning it if you don’t.”
“oh, I would definitely like to know…Liam?”
“I would love to know”
“Alright, well let’s see if we can get this little one to sit nice for us”
“you might have a hard job, she’s been kicking like crazy this morning.”
“okay, let’s see what we have here” the doctor put the gel on Riley's stomach then placed the doppler on her skin.
“wow she’s really on the go” the doctor chuckled followed by Liam and Riley doing the same. It was twenty minutes later; the doctor had finally finished looking for any issues.
“so, is everything okay?”
“everything looks great!”
“oh, thank god” the two let out deep breathes
“now we can move on to the good part! Let’s see if we can get a good look…. aha! there we go! Are you ready?”
“yes!” Riley and Liam grinned
“well, in just over four months…you’ll be meeting your baby girl”
“I KNEW IT!” Riley grinned as Liam chuckled. “a little girl, Liam” she sniffled as she squeezed his hand in hers. The tears fell down her face as she became extremely emotional.
“I’ll go get those shots printed for you” the doctor smiled as he left the room.
“hey, hey…what’s wrong?” Liam gently wrapped his arms around her.
“nothing…I’m just so happy!” she chuckled as she cuddled into his chest.
“I’m so excited to meet her, to have her in our arms, Liam. I love her so much already.”
“me too sweetie! I can’t wait to meet her” Liam gently placed his hand on Riley's stomach.
Straight after seeing the physician Liam and Riley left the office and headed for their first meetings of the day. After bidding Liam goodbye, Riley headed for her office. When she opened the door and entered she was greeted by Duchess Caroline.
“Duchess Caroline, good morning, how are you today?” Riley smiled as she extended her hand to the duchess, which she happily accepted.
“I’m great thank you your Majesty, I hope your well, how is everything going with the pregnancy” she smiled as she stepped closer to the queen. “you’re simply glowing today, must be all of those pregnancy hormones, look at how big your bump has gotten!” the woman placed her hand on Riley’s stomach as she rubbed her stomach. Riley's nostrils flared, if there was one thing about the pregnancy Riley absolutely despised, it was people thinking they could just put their hands on her stomach. Whatever happened to personal space? Since they announced the pregnancy, that’s all anyone done…as soon as they seen her, their hands found themselves on her bump. She wanted to just shout at them and tell them to get off her, but she also had to be careful, she needed all these people on her side. As soon as Caroline looked back up at Riley's face, Riley smiled. “I know, the babies really growing, enough about that though, let’s get to our meeting” she gestured to the seats at the desk.
It was two hours later that Riley managed to get the duchess to finally leave. shortly after Caroline left, Liam appeared at her door.
“hey, I thought you might be hungry, so I brought you something to eat.” He smiled as he entered and closed the door behind him. He placed the plate he was carrying on Riley's desk then sat opposite her.
“is that…a grilled cheese sandwich?” her eyes widened whilst her mouth watered, how could he possibly know what she wanted before she even did?
“it smells delicious” she mumbled
“help yourself” he chuckled as he nudged the plate towards her “how did your meeting go?” he asked as he watched her lift one half of the sandwich
“it went great!” she mumbled as she replied half way through a bite of her food. “I swear to god though…the next person that touches my stomach without asking…is getting thumped! I don’t care if I’m the queen…the next person that puts their hand on me is getting thumped”
“who was it this time?”
“Caroline” she informed him as she stood from her seat and walked around to him, she gently sat herself on his knee and cuddled into his chest
“ohh” he replied with a smirk, as his hands instinctively ran up and down her back gently
“am I allowed to touch your belly?” he chuckled
“of course, Liam…you’re my husband…you’re the baby’s father, you can feel the baby any time you want…I just can’t deal with anyone else doing it…I wouldn’t mind as much if they asked but they just walk up to me and start fondling my stomach…like back off.”
“you should just tell them sweetie” he placed the most gentle kiss on her head
“I know I should, I feel bad though because I know they mean no harm…it’s just so annoying”
“how long do you have until your next meeting?” Riley whispered
“a couple of hours actually, my next one isn’t until four o’clock”
“do you think maybe we could go lie down for a little while? My meeting with Caroline was my only meeting today”
“of course, is everything okay?”
“yeah, I’m just…I’m a little uncomfortable today, my back is killing me, my breasts are killing me…my feet are throbbing…everything aches”
“awe sweetie”
“I know…you should feel sorry for me and give me lots of love and kisses” she smirked “lots of cuddles...you know...if wasn't so uncomfortable...I would be jumping your bones right here right now” riley whispered half asleep in Liam's arms “oh I don't doubt that one bit” Liam smirked as he stood from the chair, lifting Riley in his arms. He headed for the door, calling for Bastian to open it for him. Once they were out of the office, Liam made his way down the hall to the royal quarters. Once he reached their bedroom, he gently placed Riley down on the bed, he pulled the duvet over her, then climbed in beside her, wrapping his arms around her.
“I love you Liam” she whispered
“I love you too sweetie”
It was just an hour later that the two were startled with loud banging at their apartment door. Liam mumbled as he climbed from the bed, followed closely by Riley. the two opened the door to see madeleine looking awfully panicked
“Madeleine what’s wrong?” Riley asked
“Bastian sent me…one of Anton’s shooters has gotten into the palace…you have to go through the secret passage in your room and get to the panic room…immediately”
“alright…come on!” Liam quickly took Riley's hand then headed across the room…he stopped then looked when madeleine didn’t follow them.
“Madeleine…come on!” he rushed her. She was taken back, but quickly ran behind them, shutting and locking the door behind her, the three made their way to the bedroom, Liam opened the walk-in closet doors, then they all ran in, closing the doors behind them. Liam lead the girls over to where Riley's shoes were displayed, he reached around the side of the top shelf and pushed a button. Allowing him to be able to pull the unit, like a double door, it opened in two halves revealing a dark empty hallway, there were multiple doors between them and the safety room, that were put in place so that if the security breach managed to get into the hallway…they still had to get through multiple heavy steel security doors, they were used to delay the breach from getting to the safety rom for as long as possible . Riley and Madeleine entered the hallway, followed closely by Liam.
“madeleine get Riley to the safe room, I’ll be right behind you…I’m going to make sure this is secured shut.”
“Liam?” Riley panicked
“Riley you’ll be okay, go with madeleine…I promise I will be right behind you”
“you promise?”
“yes…I promise” he assured her.
The two women rushed ahead. Liam quickly locked the doorway, putting the code into the lock for the security locks to enable. He quickly followed Riley and madeleine, enabling each door on his way. Once Liam reached the safe room, he pulled a crying Riley into his arms.
“shh it’s alright, you’re gonna be alright” he kissed her head as he held her close. “everything’s going to be okay, ive got you sweetie”
“what if he finds us Liam?”
“listen, we’ll deal with that if it comes to it. We have everything we need in here” he pointed at the glass unit on the wall, that contained every kind of weapon they might possibly need.
“you just focus on keeping our little girl safe and I’ll keep you safe” he assured her.
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sweetener // ben hardy x reader and bestfriend! Lucy x reader.
hi so basically the reader is a famous musician (shes pretty much based on Ariana Grande with syle elements from kylie jenner but picture her as anyone you like) this is pretty long and I realised everything I've posted has had the same sort plot kinda so ill be changing that up I promise.
5.7K words.
also I've linked the songs that I mention and ideas of the outfits I've mentions just cause i can I guess. enjoy xo
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You were 19 when you first met Lucy. She was 22 and you met at a charity gala. You were new in the industry, barely knowing anyone. You and Lucy became instant best friends. She was like your big sister, your mom and your best friends rolled into one person and you couldn’t be more thankful for her. Fast forward three years and Lucy was working on one of her biggest projects yet. Bohemian Rhapsody. You had just released your lasted album and were only weeks away from tour, but when Lucy asked of you would come visit her you were on a plane within the hour.
You had barely seen your best friend in almost two months due to your album blowing up then your surprise world tour, for the last 10 weeks you spent every waking moment rehearsing, doing chorography, or at costuming fittings if you weren’t preparing for tour you were doing a interviews or attending events and award shows. You were completely exhausted. But you were new and young, and your record company had almost complete control over you. You were terrified if you said no, they would drop you, and you had worked too hard for that.
Your plane landed in London and you went straight to your hotel, Lucy would be filming until 9pm tonight then she was coming straight over to spend the night and in the morning you would both head over to the set. You were beyond excited, queen had been such a inspiration both musically and just in general through your entire life and to see even a tiny bit of the movie about them would be an honour.
It was 6pm when you got to your hotel, so you had three hours to kill, you considered just going for a walk and exploring but you had seen a few paps at the airport so you were sure there would be more. So you started rehearsing, you played the backing track to your newest song, Everytime. The choreography was fast and you kept messing up the steps during the chorus.
Time slipped away as you rehearsed, and your phone ringing brought you out of your trance.
“Hey sorry, ive bene so distract-” you were cut off, not even bothering to see who was actually calling, until you hear her voice.
“ive bene knocking for ages come let me in baby” you smiled at the nickname, lucy always called you baby, maybe it was because you were younger than her or she said it’s what her older sister would call her.
“oh my god sorry I’m coming lulu” you ran to the door of the hotel room apartment, the door swung open and Lucy was standing their champagne in hand and overnight bag in the other. She dropped her bag and pulled you in for a hug.
“I missed you so much lulu ”
“mee too, baby. I’m so sorry I miss everything” you had come inside and closed the door by now,
“your album release and the Grammys, you won and I wasn’t even there I’m so sorry” you shook your head,
“its fine trust me its been crazy busy and this is important for you. I’m just so happy that I get to see you now”
“yes me too now I want all the gossip”
You popped the champagne and shared not only that bottle but another you had found the mini bar, you spoke about your ex Kevin, and how he was inspiration for a few songs on your album. Lucy insisted on listening to your album from start to finish you didn’t mind. You loved your songs and you loved that your best friend sang along to every single word. Your tour was still a secret. Your record company wanted to announce it a week before you actually left, in the same way they kept your album a secret until a week before its release date. You were sworn to secrecy and you had told nobody but your mom, and when Lucy asked how you were, really truly, you broke down.
“I’m a mess luce, I’m going on tour, surprise!” Lucy congratulated you but she knew you weren’t finished “I’m running myself ragged, if I’m not rehearsing im at a costume fitting I’m doing promo for the album or I’m at an awards show or event” you flopped back onto the bed trying to just let your body rest.
“I’m so tired I never stop. And thank god you called because this three-day break is such a blessing you have no idea” Lucy pulled you into a hug reassuring you it would all work out,
“what about with Kevin, how are you in realm” you sighed, you and Kevin broke up for a good reason, he was having personal issues and it was hurting you physically and mentally, so you left.
“I miss him so much, but I know that I did the right thing for me, I was so unhealthy always looking after him I forgot about me” you paused and thought for a moment “I think he’s better, from what I’ve heard, I still speak to his mom every now and then” Lucy nodded
“you did the right thing Y/N I know you loved him, but you need to look after yourself first” you nodded. The conversation turned a little lighter and you decided to pop another bottle of champagne just because you could,
“to us, successful women who are making shit happen” you made a toast and Lucy shouted back “to us” you changed the music and danced, laughed and just had fun with your best friend.
You woke up to the sun in your eye and Lucy’s alarm blaring, your head was pounding, and you looked around. Lucy was slowing waking up in the bed next to you. You had clearly tried to find pyjamas but you both looked like a mess. As you stood up out of bed you looked down at out outfit, a pair of black hotpants and a large oversized grey shirt tied in a knot and one blue sock. Lucy didn’t look much better and as you looked each their up and down you both laughed. The apartment was a mess. There was pillows and blankets everywhere, you counted 5 champagne bottles, all but one were empty the last was about three-quarters gone.
It was 7 am and Lucy was needed on the set at 8:30 so you both got ready, Lucy ordered breakfast- more specifically coffee, very strong and lots of it.
Once you looked presentable, Lucy looked you up and down raising an eyebrow,
“heels? Really Y/N” her tone was mockingly, and you just shrugged
“you know I love my heels, they make a statement” you twirled, and Lucy laughed at you
“also, I like to feel taller, it’s not easy being tiny”
Lucy drove you to the set, stopping to get more coffee on the way. You had music blaring the whole time just laughing and smiling. The set looked pretty normal and when you got there you followed Lucy to her trailer where you both set down your stuff. Her first costume of the day was already hanging so she got changed then wrapped herself in a coat. You followed her to hair and makeup, and to your surprise Rami was already there when you walked in and Lucy introduced you of course.
Rami was very sweet and you felt much more comfortable knowing at least one more person liked you here. He mentioned your music and you blushed. These people knew who you were holy shit.
“I actually brought you album the day it came out, I love it” you laughed,
“thanks rami that’s really sweet of you, its still kind mind-blowing that people other than Lucy and my parents listen to my music” everyone laughed and the conversation flowed. Rami left soon after and Lucy finished not much later,
“okay so my the first scene today isn’t until later but we can go watch the boys film if you want” she checked her watch,
“they start in 20 so that heaps of time for you to meet them and what not” you nodded and just followed her into the sound stage.
From the moment you saw him you were breathless, you of course had googled all of Lucy’s co-stars as soon and she knew them but seeing him in person was something else, you eyes met his and you felt you cheeks heat up. You turned your face towards Lucy, sending her a smile but she sent you a knowing look. When you looked panicky, she giggled a little,
You walked over, and they group of four men turned towards you,
“hey Lucy, oooh who’s your friend” the man you assumed was playing john deacon spoke first.
“Joe, Gwil and Ben this is my best friend Y/N” she gestured to you and she spoke “Y/N this is Joe, Gwil, Ben and you of course know rami who you met earlier” you nodded and shook each of their hand but before you could say anything you were cut off,
“Lucy why didn’t you tell us that your Y/N was THE Y/N” Joe playfully pushed Lucy and she tried to explain, but before you could get to deep in conversation the boys were called to their scene.
The scene was a short one and soon enough Lucy was whisked away to work so you sat there just on your phone, you felt someone come over towards you and you looked up. It was him. Ben Hardy. To say that you were in love was a bit much, but he was so gorgeous it was hard not to. As he walked over to you smiled but internally you were panicking. You just kept telling yourself don’t make a fool of yourself, don’t do it
“Uh hey Y/N, where’d Lucy go” of course, he just wanted Lucy not you,
“oh she went to do some filming I’m not sure how long she’ll be”
“Okay cool so um are you hungry” you internally died omg what was he going to say holy shit
“I’m starving” he invited you to go with him for lunch, it was just Kraft services but you didn’t mind.
You spent the entire lunch hour just talking and laughing, it was so refreshing for someone to talk to you as just Y/N not THE Y/N.
You spent the next three days surrounded by the BoRhap boys and Lucy having the time of your life. You and Ben had gotten quite close and even while you were still in London if you weren’t with each other you were texting. You decided against telling Lucy, not wanting to make it weird between her and her co-stars.
Two weeks after arriving back in LA the tour was announced, it sold out almost everywhere and you were glad to see that your London tour date was the same weekend that BoRhap wrapped filming, Lucy had already texted that she was coming and that she would need six more tickets which you gave her no questions asked.
You went on tour and it was marvellous, the adrenalin you felt as thousands of people sang along to your songs was thrilling and you never wanted it to stop. You played shows all across the US, you were halfway through the US leg of the tour when you got a surprise. You had still been talking to ben every day and although you hadn’t put a label on it you felt pretty committed. You were in your dressing room, your show started in three hours, so you were slowing warming up your voice when you heard a knock.
When you answered the door there stood Ben his gleaming smile beamed from ear to ear, and he was holding a bunch of flowers, your favourite of course.
“holy shit what are you doing here” he pulled you into his arms and you hugged back excitedly,
“we had a few days off from shooting, so I thought I’d come visit you” you pulled him into your dressing room and placed the flowers down, your eyes met, and the world felt like it melted away. He pulled you closer and whispered so quietly,
“Y/n can I please kiss you” you nodded,
“please” you barely got the word out from your mouth and your lips were on his.
Everything moved so fast and he fell back onto the sofa and you moved, straddling his lap. Every move felt like it was perfectly practiced and every touch felt like fire and you both shed yourself of clothes, ben of course being the perfect gentle mean continued to ask for permission before doing anything you were to in the moment to speak so nodding sufficed.
Time passed, and you were lying in bens arms on the sofa, a random sheet covering you as you just held each other. You lazily shared kisses and spoke about your time apart. The sound of your manager knocking on the door made you jump apart,
“Y/N they need you in hair and makeup” you jumped up and threw on your panties, bra and covered up with your robe.
“shit sorry ben, I totally lost track of time, stay here and I’ll send someone to come and get before the show”
“ill be waiting” you kissed him before closing the door behind you and walking down to hair and makeup.
You were in your first costume, as you walked towards the under stage your makeup artist fixed up the bright red lipstick you had on and you had you Mic in hand. You were ready.
You had never felt so pumped for a show before, partially because you knew Ben was there the other part was probably your post orgasm bliss. You snickered to yourself as you thought about it.
The show was a smash, the crowd were full of energy and so were you. As you walked off stage ben was waiting in the wings for you, he picked you up and spun you around, your lips connected as he did.
“what did you think of the show”
“you were bloody fantastic, I loved it the music, the dancing, the costumes” his kissed you again, “and I thought I was the rock star” you laughed at that one,
“you’ll always be a rock star” you walked hand in hand back to you dressing room, your meet and greet outfit was already laid out and you apologised to ben as you got changed.
“I’m sorry the meet and greets only go for 45 mins then we can go back to the hotel and I’m all yours I promise” he shook his head,
“it’s fine doesn’t apologise I need to make some phone calls anyway, you better keep that promise” he teased, you zipped up your dress. It was short red and left little to the imagination and you loved how ben eye you as you spun and asked his opinion.
“Y/n your making it hard from me not to rip that off your right now” you bit you lip and whispered into his ear,
“I promise you can rip it off later” you kissed directly behind his ear then giggled as he groaned when you walked away.
The meet and greet felt like it dragged on for hours. Now you loved your fans but the torment knowing exactly what was going to happen afterwards was enough to make you a little frustrated.
Finally you were back at the hotel, it was a short drive from where you had performed so the car ride wasn’t as tormenting as it could have been. But from the moment you stepped foot in the hotel room the door was locked, and your lips were on Ben’s and your legs were wrapped around his waist.
It was early morning before you had stopped. You both finally so exhausted that you fell sound asleep. Ben woke you up at around 11:30 the next morning apologising as the directors had called him and he was needed back on set ASAP. His flight left in an hour, so you said goodbye, and a little more very quickly and he left. Your next show wasn’t until tomorrow night, but you were flying there later this afternoon.
Three months after Ben had left your US tour was finished, you had gotten so sick and exhausted for weeks now you had been nauseous and your whole body ached. Your period was late, it was the stress. It had to be the stress. You now had two weeks before the European leg of the tour started, and you were going to stay with Lucy. She had about a week and a half left of filming and although you really wanted to go visit the set you just so sick you could barely move.
Lucy picked you up from the airport and she took you back to her apartment. She brought it up first, after you had been explaining your sickness she blurted it out before she could stop herself,
“Y/N what if your pregnant”
“don’t be ridiculous how could I be- oh shit”
“oh shit what. What do you mean oh shit”?
“he-h came and visited it was months ago fuck why didn’t I think of this” you were rambling and so distracted you did even see your best friends face,
“Y/N who visited who are you talking about Kevin” by now you were crying, you shook your head
“no not Kevin, ben” Lucy gasped,
“ben who, Y/N”
“Ben Hardy” Lucy had that smirk,
“I knew it, I knew you were who he had been talking to”
“your not mad” you were so worried, that she would think you were unprofessional or soothing,
“not at all I don’t care I saw how you too looked ta each other when you first met, it was bound to happen”
So you explained to her when he came and surprised you three months ago and how you spent all night together alone in the hotel room, she was happy for you. That you had moved on form Kevin, but the looming issue was still there. Were you pregnant or not? Lucy disguised herself and drove down the street to the local pharmacy and brought a few tests.
You were terrified, your career had barely even begun and here you were at 21 and potentially pregnant to a man who’s 7 years older than you. You thought about your options, but you knew you would keep it. You had once promised yourself if something like this were to happen you would only get rid of it if it was going to harm you or if you weren’t going to be able to support a child. From what you knew it wasn’t hurting you and you had plenty of funds to support a baby.
You tried to think and work it out, the European part of your tour was only 3 months long. By the end you would be six-ish months pregnant. That’s not too bad. If you altered some of the choreography and costumes, you could probably hide it from the fans until then. It would all work out in the end.
You were brought out of your dream land when Lucy came back. She passed you the first test and came with you into the bathroom.
So you sat. three whole minutes. 180 seconds. The timer went off and Lucy grabbed your hand.
“no matter what that says, I’m here for you we can work this out” you nodded, took a deep breath and turned the test.
Positive.
You don’t even know how long you spent sobbing into Lucy’s arms. But eventually you got up and tried to fix yourself up. You and Lucy were meant to be meeting everyone for dinner tonight and it was 5 pm and you were a hot mess.
So, you showered, fixed your hair and did your makeup. You weren’t even sure how far along you were but now that you knew you were so paranoid that you look pregnant, so you put of two different pairs of spanx and threw on your least fitted outfit.
The dinner went well, considering you entire life had just changed an hour before and you were acting like you were perfectly fine. On the inside you were dying. You sat next to ben and he asked if you were okay more time than you could count. You felt horrible. You wanted to tell him, you really did but you couldn’t put that pressure on him. You could handle this own your own. Lucy surprised everyone with tickets to your London show at the end of dinner, and you were happy but terrified. Lucy had invited all the BoRhap boys as well as Roger and Brian. THE Roger Taylor and Brian May. You were shitting yourself.
In the next two weeks you and Lucy went to the doctors and it was confirmed, you were 14 weeks pregnant. You had a meeting with your head of costuming and she agreed to fix your costumes as discretely as possible, so far only four people knew. Lucy, your doctor, your manager -Angela and your head of costume and makeup -JayJay.
Your London show came so fast, everyone had come backstage to see you. You were in your first costume once again . So far you hadn’t needed to fix the sizing you just wore a waist trainer and spanx underneath. You checked with the doctor who said it should be fine for a few hours for your shows, but you shouldn’t do it all the time. When you walked into your dressing room in your outfit Lucy gave you a worried look but she was confused when she saw no bump. You gave everyone hugs as they wished you luck, you thanked everyone for coming and promised them that this would be one of your best.
The show opened with one of your favourites on the album, God is a woman. It was followed by breathin’ you spoke to the crowd and in a split second you had a costume change. You were wearing a sparkly red outfit now and your boots were now tan. You had changed your finale so when you changed into the lilac dress and boots, the first few beats of your new song filled the arena.
Breakfast at tiffany’s and bottles of bubbles,
Girls with tattoos who like getting in trouble,
Lashes and diamonds, ATM machine s
Buy myself all my favourite things
This was the first time your new song was being heard and the crowd loved it, 7 Rings was a hit and you finished the performance on a high like no other.
You came off and Lucy was there first screaming with joy
“WHERE THE HELL DID THAT SONG COME FROM ITS AMAZING”
“it was a surprise its brand new I literally flew to LA the day before I came here to record it and we did the choro this morning” everyone was in awe of your work ethic and you were passed flowers and small gifts. you excused yourself to get changed. Lucy came with you.
“I can’t believe you went to LA to record the day before you came here, you were so sick that day”
“I know but they won’t let me perform songs until live recorded them in studio and I wanted to perform it for you guys” Lucy picked out an outfit for you before you both headed back to where everyone was.
Backstage the party was growing; your management had thrown a party to celebrate the start of your European tour. Against all your wishes against it. Champagne was spilling, and the music was loud. You took a glass of champagne just for looks, you had no intentions of actually drinking it.
You found ben almost instantly and he embraced you, you still hadn’t told him but you were going to. Tonight. Its was selfish, you knew you were leaving on tour tomorrow and at least if he wanted nothing to do with you, you would be distracted. Heartbroken but distracted.
It was almost one and the party was still going strong, you took ben’s hand and asked if he wanted to back to your hotel room. You saw Lucy smile as you left, you had to do this. From the moment you were in the car the partition went up and all your plans went out the window. It was cruel, to keep the secret from him but a few moments of bliss before it could all potentially disappear was all you wanted.
You stopped it before it got too heated, one part of you said it was because of the paps and another was because you felt so guilty. Ben didn’t mention it. You went in through the back entry of the hotel and you went straight up to your room.
“Y/n what’s up you’ve been just a little off these last two weeks, Lucy said you’ve been sick” he paused, fuck. He knew. “are you okay, like are you really sick or something, last time I checked the flu doesn’t last for weeks” you sighed and ran you hand though your hair,
“no its not like that I’m not dying or anything I promise” you took a deep breath
“but there is something need to tell you” you sat down trying to calm your nerves, “now just know before I tell you I expect NOTHING from you okay but you deserve to know” Ben looked terrified, you were pretty sure he could have put two and two to bet but just to be clear you said it,
“I’m pregnant, 15 weeks to be exact and its yours” he didn’t move you swore he barely even breathed. Tears were slipping down your cheeks you wanted him to do something, scream or yell anything was better than silence.
“please. Please say something I’m so sorry it took this long to tell you-“ but he cut you off when he attached his lips to yours.
“I love you Y/n I really fucking love you, and I was going to ask you tonight anyway, but will you be my girlfriend officially”
You nodded, not trusting your words.
“I love you to ben, I really fucking love you too”
You decided to announce your relationship to the fans the next day, as much as you wanted to keep it a secret the longer, they know about it the less of a shock the pregnancy should be. Hopefully. You posted a selfie of you and Ben, he was kissing you sweetly and it was obvious what had taken place earlier. You had taken the picture month ago and you both loved it.
Now that Ben was finished filming BoRhap and his next project started in 3 months, so it seemed logical that he would come on tour with you. You decided that he was going to head home and take a few weeks off just relaxing and what not then he would meet you when you got to Paris. It sounded perfect.
It worked. Tour was hard, each day your bump grew, and it was getting very difficult to hide it in the end. But with lighting and costuming you finished tour with a six-month-old baby bump and it was still a secret. A few weeks into the euro tour you changed all your costumes to from body suits and peplum to flouncy dresses. They all looked gorgeous and you were totally going to be using then in your other tours.
Ben was a god send. You loved having him with you and when tour was over, he was moving to the states. After a hard decision he decided to move to your house, instead of you moving in with him. Living in LA would probably benefit him in the long run anyway, so it wasn’t too hard of a decision.
You had decided to announce your pregnancy at the BoRhap Premier. Your dress was ready. It was the first tight dress you had worn in a while and it perfectly showed your 7-month-old baby bump. The fans were loving your relationship and you hoped the reaction to this would be as happy.
The day of the premier had arrived and you had spent hours In hair and makeup, you were nervous. Excited but nervous. You swear you heard the gasps as you stood out from the car. You were sure it was already world wise news,
“Americas sweetheart Y/N pregnant at 22 to her 28-year-old boyfriend”
You spent the night being questioned about your bump; why it was kept a secret, how far along were you blah blah blah.
By the time you got inside you were exhausted. Your feet hurt, because you were wearing your beloved heels of course. Your face hurt from smiling and your back was killing. Ben tried to look after you, and he got you everything you wanted. Lucy and Rami had also announced their relationship tonight, so the press was buzzing with all this new information. Lucy sat next to you laughing at all the notifications you were getting,
“hey baby I think you broke the internet have you checked anything”
“im too scared, can you. Check my twitter” Lucy nodded, and she gasped
“they love it. Everyone loves it. Look your fans they did the maths and realised you were pregnant on tour and they love you for it” you started crying. Fucking pregnancy and its hormones . what a relief.
The premier went well and once you flew home, you were on the plane with all the BoRhap boys and Lucy because as they had promo for the next few weeks. You had already decided to do another album, and you had a few songs ready to go, that you were recording then once you had the baby you would take three ish months off and you would be back in the studio. Your record company had decided instead of doing another tour if your album was received well you would do more events like award ceremonies and music festivals. You agreed. You knew that you wanted to continue with music and your baby would always be your first priority.
On the exact day you were 39 weeks, you were standing in the recording booth, it was your last day and you had one last verse to record. Ben had promo all day and you were meeting for lunch in about and hour. As you sang your last lyric everyone clapped, and you were beaming.
“fuck” this caught the attention of your manager,
“Y/n is everything okay?”
You shook your head,
“my waters just broke”
You were rushed into your car and Angela your manager drove to the hospital as you called ben. He was in the middle of an interview when he was ushered off stage,
“what wrong,”
“Y/n’s waters broke and she son her way to the hospital this interview finishes in about 5 then you’re going straight away”
When Ben arrived with Lucy in tow you were in the hospital bed trying get through another contraction.
At 3:21 pm your gorgeous baby boy was brought into the world. Noah Benjamin Jones was perfect in every way. He was a carbon copy of his father, much to your disgrace. Nine months of pregnancy and he looks like his father. Typical male.
Noah was the perfect baby, and as you went back to work, he came along and was an angel. When Noah was three you toured again you took your little family with you. Noah loved to see all the new cities and he became a crowd favourite when he would come out and dance with his mamma on stage for his favourite song. History seemed to repeat itself and you found yourself pregnant again in your last few weeks of your second tour.
Your family grew, your second child was born, a little girl Lucia Rae Jones, named after your best friend of course Lucy. When Lucia or Cici, was six months old you and ben finally decided to get married. It was a quite a large wedding, but it was full of love and that mattered to you.
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J’s Diagnosis Story
February 16, 2020.
Diagnosis day.
Diabetes day.
D-day.
The day all of our lives changed forever.
I spend a lot of time thinking about this day. Will this memory ever fade? A year later and yet it’s still so fresh. How long until I can drive past the ER again without a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and my eyes all welled up with tears? I have to look away because it still hurts too much.
It’s Sunday. My son J wakes up again with a stomach ache. It’s become a regular thing, so I don’t give it a second thought. Usually, once he’s fully awake and starts to play, he’ll get distracted pretty quickly, and forget. So when he tells me that he isn’t feeling well, I brush it off. In hindsight, it should have been one of many red flags. I missed it. I missed all of them.
We get a phone call from my sister-in-law who wants to throw an impromptu birthday party for our niece later in the afternoon. So I ask my older daughter, K, to babysit J while my husband and I rush to the store first thing to buy a birthday gift. I’m not at the store very long when I get a text from my daughter telling me that J has thrown up.
Historically, whenever J is coming down with a cold or a stomach bug, the first sign that something is wrong is always a low fever and vomiting. So at this point, I’m thinking it is probably one of those two things, and so I finish up at the store and rush back home to take care of him.
There’s no fever, but it's obvious he's coming down with something. He doesn’t have much energy or an appetite at all. I encourage him to hydrate and rest, and he does so for several hours. I decide to send my husband and daughter to the party without us. While they are gone, I offer him a popsicle (it’s blue and that’s important later) but not long after, he throws up again. The only thing he can keep down is water. After getting him all cleaned up, I leave the room for just a moment to carry some soiled towels to the l laundry. When I left him, he had been sitting up, propped up on pillows on my bed and he was watching tv. I’m gone for maybe 30 seconds, but when I return he has fallen asleep. Red flag number two.
I text my husband to let him know what’s going on but tell him not to rush home. Since J is sick, sleep is good for him. I tuck him in, snuggle up next to him, and watch some tv while he sleeps.
It doesn’t seem like too much time passes before I notice that he’s breathing differently. Is he breathing louder? Is it faster? I recall something about babies and fevers and breathing heavily so of course, I start to google. I don’t find any information that satisfies me, but I am prone to anxiety and I manage to convince myself that I am overreacting.
Some time passes. He sleeps and his “different“ breathing continues but finally my husband and daughter return home. I’m starting to worry, and I express these concerns to my husband. And although we both think I’m probably overreacting for just a stomach bug, we decide to have him see a doctor.
It’s late afternoon on a Sunday, so his doctor’s office is closed. My husband suggests urgent care. Now, my kids are healthy. Seriously, they hardly ever get sick. And for a cold or a stomach bug, I almost always just handle that at home. So when we get to the urgent care that’s closest to our house they tell us that they don’t take our insurance and they send us somewhere else. I carry my 70+ lb son back to the car because he is weak and tired and can hardly stand and we drive across town while my husband calls a different urgent care that requires us to make an appointment first. By some kind of crazy miracle, they fit us in for an appointment right about the time that we get there.
We aren’t in the waiting room for too long. Maybe half an hour. He watches his iPad, alternating between my arms and my husband’s. This is very strange behavior for him because he’s almost too big to be held anymore but he insists. He also requests water to drink several times and dozes off a few times while we wait.
The doctor finally comes in. He’s an older gentleman, friendly enough. He examines J pretty thoroughly, while I’m holding him in my arms and decides on a diagnosis of a stomach virus. He prescribes some anti-nausea meds and sends us on our way. He walks us to the checkout and I’m struggling again to carry J and he’s awake so I set him down for a moment to rest my arms. This moment probably saved his life.
J kind of stumbles and it’s clear he is too weak to walk. The doctor sees this and asks us to wait a minute. He asks us to come back into the exam room and says he wants to check one more thing.
He asks the nurse to get a glucose reading on my son. The nurse leaves the room to go and get supplies. At this moment, I have one of those literal light bulb epiphany moments like they show in cartoons. Suddenly and overwhelmingly everything clicks in to place and I just... know.
His blood sugar is 300+. “Is that bad?”, we ask, and they only tell us that it’s high. The doctor says he’s sending us to the ER but he leaves the room to call ahead and tell them we’re coming.
Diabetes, I say to my husband as the three of us are left alone in the exam room. Oh. My. God. He drinks so much water all the time. I have been calling him my “little fish out of water” for months. He wakes up all hours of the night to ask for more water. He pees constantly. He even wets the bed sometimes ‘cause he drinks so much. He’s lost weight recently but, hey... he was a little chubby to start with so that wasn’t really a bad thing. His stomach always hurts. Diabetes. I should have known. I should have figured this out. Oh. My. God.
The nurse brings a wheelchair for J since I’m struggling to carry him. My husband brings the car around while I check out and we finally head to the ER. By some other kind of crazy miracle, the ER is in an adjacent building sharing a parking lot with the urgent care we are at.
A few minutes later, we walk into the ER and sign in and sit down in the waiting room. Almost immediately we are called back. I’m carrying him the whole way and finally get to set him down on the hospital bed. Several hospital staff rush in and out of the room. Everything is a blur. He’s getting an IV in both of his arms and blood drawn and all sorts of things are being done but he seems pretty indifferent to everything and just keeps dosing off. And then at some point, there’s a bit of a fuss... because J’s lips are kind of blue (because of that popsicle I fed him earlier when I was trying to get him to hold something down). This becomes a bit of a running joke with the doctors later on. Blue lips generally signify a lack of oxygen so they were kind of baffled before I remembered to tell them about the popsicle.
At some point, I look down at him and I start to cry. I’m freaking out. I’m scared and I’m sad and I know “diabetes” but that’s the only thing I know and there are so many unanswered questions and I can’t hold it in anymore. A nurse is putting in an IV (god, does he really need another one?) or something... I honestly have no idea because all the moments are blurring together but J sees me. And he asks that nurse, “Why is my mommy crying?”
He tells my son, “It’s ok. Your mommy is just worried about you.” And I realize at this moment that he needs me to be strong for him right now more than anything. And when I tell you that I didn’t cry again (in front of him at least) the entire week we spent in the hospital, it is the truth. That’s significant for me because I’m usually an emotional wreck about every little thing.
My husband gets on the phone to make arrangements for our older daughter to stay with family since they’re telling us we will be admitted to the hospital. She also suffers from anxiety so when we speak to her, I tell her as little as possible and I downplay the severity because I need her to stay calm and not lose it. I tell her everything is ok. I’m lying to her but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t think about that right now.
We are at one of the smaller ERs, so after getting him all hooked up and stable and everything, they tell us that we’ll be taking an ambulance to the big hospital across town. Neither of us has ever been in an ambulance before and the EMTs are very friendly and cool so J is at ease. He’s awake for most of the ride and we talk about J’s favorite video games and the EMT shows him cool stuff in the ambulance. Later, he tells me it’s pretty much the only thing he remembers from the whole day.
At the hospital, we go straight to the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) where we will spend the next week. So much new information is thrown at us. So many words and numbers we won’t yet understand. (What is bolus? What even is a normal blood sugar number?) At some point, I hear that his blood sugar is in the 600s. I somewhat understand that he’s receiving both insulin to bring down his blood sugar and also glucose in his IVs at the same time because they have to bring it down slowly to prevent his brain from swelling. I don’t get any sleep, but luckily J is still exhausted and he spends most of the first few days asleep. Because once every hour, the nurses come in and they finger prick him to test his blood sugar. By the time we get home, there isn’t a single spot on any of his little fingertips that aren’t covered in bruises.
The next morning, my husband brings K up to visit, and that cheers J up a little. But mostly he sleeps. He cannot walk to the bathroom or even stand up. And it’s like 48 hours before he’s even allowed to try and eat anything. While he sleeps, I read and then reread this book they’ve given me which is basically a starter guide to diabetes. When I’m done with that, I google and study everything I can find about diabetes.
Looking back on it, before this, I really didn’t know anything at all about diabetes. And everything
I thought I knew about it was just misconceptions or flat out wrong.
A constant stream of doctors and hospital staff are coming in and out of his room. We meet his endocrinologist, and the first thing he says is, “Yes, he has type one diabetes. Yes, I’m sure. No, you didn’t do anything to cause it. And no, there isn’t anything you could have done to prevent it.” Type 1 diabetes. Diabetic ketoacidosis. Kidney failure. F$#k.
Eventually, he gets to have his first meal. A nurse comes in to teach us how to calculate an insulin dose. He struggles to find his appetite. After the first shot, and for several more shots afterward, the nurse brings him a toy that he gets really excited about and makes things a little easier. We watch a lot of movies. Toy Story and Lion King and their sequels over and over. The nurses are so kind and just incredible and probably the only reason why I’m able to hold it all together. Once or twice while he sleeps, I sneak into the bathroom to have a quick cry where I know he can’t hear me. My husband gets to leave the hospital for a few hours at a time to pick up our daughter or run errands and I can see how emotional he gets about everything but he can let it all out while he is away. I made a promise to J that no matter what, I would not ever leave his side so sneaking to the bathroom to cry is the only way I can keep it together for him.
More days pass, and he is getting his strength and his appetite back slowly. On the fifth day, they ask us if we feel confident that we can handle everything by ourselves at home, and we are sure that we can. We have no idea. No f$#king clue. We stand in his hospital room, with his brand new meter and we ask the nurse for help to make sure we know how to work it before we leave the hospital and she isn’t much help and in the end, we have to figure it out ourselves. And that kind of sets the precedent for this whole disease, to be honest. We are given bare-bones, one size fits all sort of instructions on “how to diabetes” but we will learn pretty quickly that we have a lot to figure out on our own.
I could tell you that it gets easier. And that would be sort of true. After a while, taking care of a child with diabetes becomes routine and things that seemed scary at first are like second nature. I know my way around a BG meter no matter the brand or type. I can check ketones and confidently give injections without a second thought. I can safely calculate an insulin dose and find the carbohydrate count for anything, and even accurately guess the carbs (without looking it up or weighing) for probably every food in our house. I know what normal blood glucose range is for diabetics and non-diabetics. I know what bolus and basal are, and I know about all of the different types of insulin. I know how to apply, use, and remove a continuous glucose monitor. If you ask me a question about diabetes, I either know the answer or I know where to find it. I f$#ing KNOW diabetes.
But every single day is different than the one before. What works today to keep my son in range may not give the same results tomorrow. Everything affects his numbers: food, activity level, stress, even the weather. And I guess that’s why it’s never gonna be easy. That, and the fact that giving him insulin is the only thing that can keep J alive while simultaneously being lethal if he gets too much... it’s like this huge, heavy weight that I have to carry every day. And when he gets older, he’ll have to carry it, too. And all I can do is to love him fiercely and to raise him to be strong enough to endure and until that day comes, to take as much off of his shoulders as I possibly can.
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Chapter Sixty-two Final Chemo
" Two more weeks." I think as I drive towards Sarah's house. I know the calmer we are the better it is for her. It has just been a long long process. I know she's going to be in a great mood and that will help. I also know that every time Josiah and I go with her is easier on her daddy. Is it selfish of me to be tired? I love her I just hate to see her sick. I pull into the driveway and get out. Josiah opens the door to my knock. " She's upstairs getting dressed. She should be down soon." " Is Mr Rose at work?" " Yes. He left earlier. They had a large order come in. A schoolbus." He finishes with a grin. " Abe." Sarah says as she heads downstairs," I didn't know you were coming by today." " Beth is doing wedding stuff." I explain. " Thanks for stepping in." " Not a problem." " Are you ready baby?" Josiah asked her. " As I will ever be." We get there 10 minutes early. We head to the back and the nurse comes to start the IV. She sees the ring. " Do you have news to share with us?" " Yes. We are getting married Josiah and I on July 9th." " Congratulations! That is great news. Josiah you're getting a good one." " So am I." They do all the expected things. She takes it like a champ. I feel horrible for complaining especially while I watched Josiah react to her. He responds to her every cue. Before she shivers he is asking for a warm blanket. He knows when to be quiet and when she needs to talk. He is amazing with her. By the time we get home her father is there. " Daddy!" She greets him." Why aren't you at work?" " Bob has it for now I needed to check on you to see how the treatment went and if anyone noticed the ring." She tells him has Josiah and I had to the kitchen to get her a light lunch. " Abe I know this is not where you wanted to spend your day. I really appreciate it. She does too. But if you have something else to do we understand." " Thanks but I can hang around a while." I'm embarrassed by my thoughts and hope that Josiah hadn't picked up on them. We head back in in time to say goodbye to Mr Rose. We bring Sarah a lunch of yogurt and soup and a banana for potassium. Slowly, sipping water between bites, she gets most of it down before getting too tired to eat. Josiah gets her comfortable on the couch. I sit and watch him with her for a while before saying. " I think I will go now. She will sleep for a while. Unless you want me to keep you company." " Oh that's okay. Thanks Abe. We really appreciate all you have done." I tell him he is welcome and that I will see him soon. As I leave I wonder what I have done besides keeping him company. I think about it. I guess that is a lot. The last two weeks of treatment are different. I am so much sicker for one. I am either vomiting or sleeping. I remember them saying it's accumulating and now I understand what they mean. I tell myself over and over that this is good. That it means the chances of it working are better. But it is hard to plan a wedding while so sick. I thank God daily for Beth. She is a force of nature. Juggling reception, menus, flowers, place mats, and a wedding shower while coming with me and Josiah to as many treatments as possible. Finally we make it to Friday week 2 last treatment. By this time I am so sick that Josiah and daddy have to practically carry me In. I worry about feeling better for the wedding which is in 10 days. I have been assured I will but I can't see it right now. " Sarah congratulations you have made it." I give her a smile unable to talk. I don't have the energy. " I know don't try to talk. It is okay I know how hard it is by this point." She says that she starts the IV and injects phenegran. She then flush it out and starts the last chemo treatment. " Okay guys. Sarah is likely to sleep this day and tomorrow away because this is the last treatment we will end also with phenegn." " Good." Responds Josiah. By the time she is done Sarah is asleep in the chair. " Is it normal for her to be asleep like that?" Josiah asks. " Yes it is Josiah. She has a lot of the chemo drugs in her right now. Her body is fighting a huge battle and one of the ways the bodies ways of reacting to that is sleep. It is restorative. I will bring her a couple of blankets." So Sarah slept through her last and final treatment. She was still asleep when it ended and when the nurse gave her more phenegren. The nurse then hands Josiah a certificate certifying that she had completed treatment. Hey thanks her and hands it to James so he can carry a still sleeping Sarah out the door. " So that's done." James remarks as they leave the center. " Yes. Praise be to God." " Amen to that." " Do you think they got it all?" " I pray so. I think so." " I think so and so does she." Josiah says. "She has always been strong." " Yes I have seen that in her." " Do you know what I see in you Josiah?" " No sir." " A perfect husband for her. You have experienced a graduate-level marriage situation and passed it with a high a. That is why I didn't hesitate when you ask for her hand. If you all can get through this you can get through anything." " Thank you sir. I agree with that." They had reached home by then. Josiah reach back and lifted her gentle as a newborn and carried her into the house. He took her straight up stairs knowing she would sleep for a while. He then went back downstairs to spend the afternoon with his future father-in-law. When I wake up I'm confused. I know I am in bed but I last remember being in treatment. " Did I fell asleep during treatment?" I wonder. The next questions are," What time is it? What day is it?" I stretch and slowly move my body out of bed. I see I have my PJs on and so assume Beth had been by. " Well hello sleepyhead.' Josiah says. I jumped not awake enough yet to be alert. " Josiah! You scared me." " Sorry love." " It is okay. Where are you?" He flips on the light and I see him standing by the chair where he had obviously been sleeping. We walked towards each other and I sink into his arms. " I have missed you." He tells me. " How long have I been asleep." " Well sweetie. It is Sunday 1 a.m.' " No joke!" " Nope no joke." " Wow. I slept through my last treatment and all the rest is Friday and all day Saturday." " Yes you did. But they drugged you up good so you won't wouldn't be sick and you weren't." " Well that is good. Have you slept?" "Yes love. On the couch yesterday. But I knew you would be waking up soon so I stayed up here tonight. You have to be hungry." I realize that I am truly hungry. " I am starved." " Let's go get you something to eat." We go downstairs and he makes me a very early or late breakfast. I eat really eat for the first time in at least a month. I realize I slept through the worst sickness that I would have had. " Josiah remind me to thank the angel that drugged me up." " I sure will." I finished eating and realize that Josiah is dragging. " You need sleep." " Yes I know. But I knew you would need me when you woke up." " Ah Sweet man but now you need me. Come on I'm putting you to bed." I insist and he follows me back upstairs. He doesn't balk when I asked him to lay beside me on the bed. I know he hasn't got as much sleep as he implied. I lay down right beside him and within minutes he is asleep. I don't need more sleep but I am not willing to leave him. So I lay down beside him resting my head on his chest and spend the hours till sunrise praying. What it starts to get light outside, I slip out of bed and head downstairs. I make coffee do if the dishes that are in the sink. I gather uplaundry and start it. Are then make another breakfast for Daddy, Josiah, and I. " Sarah you're finally awake. How do you feel?" daddy says he enters the kitchen. " I feel terrific. I am not sick and I have some strength." " That is terrific." He pulls me close and gives my big hug. " Where is Josiah?" " Asleep on my bed. He made me breakfast at 1 when I first woke up. I could see he needed sleep so I made him lie down. He was asleep within minutes." " Good for you baby girl. He hasn't slept well while you were sleeping so long. He was too concerned about you." " He has to take care of himself too." " Agreed, but he is to in love with you to see that." I sigh shaking my head in frustration. " Sarah can I talk to you about something?" "Of course daddy." I take a seat beside him. " You are getting married in 8 days. Do you have any questions about anything?" " I know the ah....basics daddy." " I know that baby girl." My poor daddy is blushing furiously. " But there is more than to a marriage than that.. It is a partnership. A Covenant. It is the choice to love the same person day after day and that choice has to be made daily." " I know that is true. I know it isn't easy. I know there will be days when I'm not sure why I did it. But they will never be a day when I regret it." " That is a great answer Sarah. You know I will be always here for you whatever you all need or if you ever need to talk." " I do daddy. Do you know how much I love you and how much I appreciate all you have done for me." " I do. You are my heart kiddo. The best thing I ever did." " Good morning." Josiah wanders into the kitchen, yawning and reaching for coffee. " Good morning Josiah. Did you sleep well?" " I did. Thanks for insisting love." " You took care of me so well for so long I was glad to be able to return the favor in a small way." He wraps me up in his arms and and over my shoulder I see my daddy smile. We eat breakfast, shower, and head to church.
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hysterectomy + 2 weeks post-op top surgery
CW: talk of reproductive organs, blood, hospitals, etc. General TMI stuff ahead.
I meant to post this three days ago! But anesthesia apparently really fucks with my concentration. And so does exhaustion from having two major surgeries less than two weeks apart. Here we go:
Four days ago, I had a full hysterectomy with Dr. Zoe Rodriguez at Mt. Sinai hospital in NYC. By ‘full’, I mean they removed everything — uterus, tubes, ovaries, etc.
I was told no eating after midnight the day of the surgery, though of course that’s a pretty commonly known thing because of the anesthetic. I had to be at the hospital at 6:30, so my mom and I were up early. We had an easy trip into the city and got there a little early. The hospital was small, though the waiting room did have some occupants who obviously had arrived even earlier than us. I checked in, filled out paperwork, signed my name for the fiftieth time this month…(been signing a lot of paperwork recently). I was brought back to sign some more paperwork, was asked when was the last time I’d eaten anything (9 pm the night before).
About an hour after we arrived, I was called back by a nurse. My mom, who was with me, had to wait in the waiting room while I was told to change into a pair of pants, gown, and robe. They also gave me those ugly grey hospital socks. I put my clothes and belongings into plastic bags and then sat in a second waiting room, until I was led, with another patient, down a hallway, into an elevator, and into the pre-op room. The man who took us there knelt down and rolled up the bottom of my pants for me, “so I wouldn’t trip.” It was emasculating and made me feel like a child. I was mad, but too tired and hungry to voice my feelings.
I sat down on a bed and a nurse came over and took some information. I forgot to tell her I was on testosterone, and she didn’t like that. I forgot to mention that in my list of medications. Silly me. Then they called up my mom and let her join me. My mom said she liked that they gave me a robe. I pointed out my gown was stained
Then, my surgeon came, and we talked about the procedure and she asked if I had any questions (I didn’t). I signed a paper saying I was cool with them taking out a bunch of organs. I met the other two doctors working with my surgeon. I met the anesthesiologist. He was really cool. I told him my left hand still hurt from the IV they placed when I had top surgery a week and a half ago. I also told him how much I hated being groggy after top surgery, and he said he’d do his best to make the waking up from this surgery better. Then, I met one of the OR nurses. I signed another paper.
They asked if I was okay walking to the OR. Sure, I said. I gave my mom a kiss and a hug, and then I followed the doctors to the OR. The had me get on the table, on top of some foam padding. I couldn’t wear my compression binder from top surgery because it covered too much of my abdomen, so I took that off and they wrapped my chest in gauze and ace bandages. I was grateful my surgeon was so careful with my chest, considering it was an inconvenience to her to have to take that extra step.
They put something in my IV that made me feel really spacey. They helped me take off my pants (not weird at all!!) I laid back on the gurney, and then I don’t remember anything until I woke up in the post-op room, which was right next to the pre-op room. My mom said one of the nurses tried explaining the post-op instructions to me while I was still asleep. It took me a long time to wake up from surgery. I felt like I had cramps, but the pain was manageable. I dozed on and off until a nurse came over and asked if I could walk. I said, “I guess so.” She walked me over to a bunch of armchairs and had me sit down on the end. My mom wasn’t allowed to come with me; she had to wait in an area near the elevators, where there were some chairs.
They offered something to eat and drink. I had some tea and saltines. They offered me cake, which looked like it had been sitting out for a while. No thank you. I ate the saltines and drank the tea. The nurse asked if I wanted to try to go to the bathroom. Again, I said, “I guess.” She walked me to the bathroom. While I was still asleep, they put some thin, almost gauze-like underwear on me with a thick pad. She gave me another pad to replace it with. I sat down on the toilet and a lot of blood came out, but no pee. I called the nurse back in and told her I couldn’t pee. She showed me the blood and said she was worried about all of it (why???). She said she was going to call my doctor. My anesthesiologist came over and asked how I was feeling. I said I was feeling pretty good. I was glad he checked in on me. I sat back down and had more tea to drink.
Apparently, the fluid in my IV wasn’t actually going into my body. The part of the tube closest to my hand seemed to be jammed with blood. I think this is why I had trouble peeing, because there was no fluid going into me, besides what I was drinking. My mom came over and sat with me for a while. The doctor came, looked at the blood (which the nurse had kept covered in the bathroom), and said it was normal. It was the last of everything come out after gravity pulled it from me when I stood up and walked around. The doctor left, and my mom was again told she couldn’t wait with me.
I drank two more cups of water, then waited until I felt like I had to pee. The nurse led me to the bathroom again. I asked her if she could hang up the blanket I had over my shoulders, and she pointed to the hook and said, “sure, you can hang it up.” I told her I couldn’t reach up there, I’d just had surgery on my chest. I thought it was weird she hadn’t just done it for me in the first place, considering I could barely stand up straight.
I sat on the toilet for maybe a half hour, until I could finally force some pee out. I was told not to lock the door, in case I need a nurse to come in and help me. Apparently, no one was guarding the door, because two people walked in on me at two different times. I was too out of it to really care. I finally peed enough that the one nurse was happy with. She flushed it down the toilet instead of keeping it in the ‘hat’ they used to measure your pee output. The other nurse didn’t seem happy about that. She made me sit down again and drink more. I asked her why I was still waiting, considering I’d done everything I needed to do before they could discharge me. She said I needed to pee again, and I said I already had. She said she had to talk to the doctor.
Apparently, the doctor said it was alright for me to leave, because they let me get dressed. My mom helped me. The nurse came over and asked to see the pad in my underwear to see how much blood there was. She was satisfied with whatever she saw. They told me to drink a lot of water and sent me on my way.
My mom bought me an orange juice and a Clif bar for the ride home. I wasn’t really hungry but thought I should eat. My throat was killing me from the tube they placed for the anesthesia. I had to stop at a Starbucks on the way home to pee.
I was prescribed Percocet, which I didn’t take. I didn’t take the Oxycodone they prescribed me after top surgery, either. After top surgery, I only took extra strength Tylenol, and for the first two days after my hysto, I took Tylenol and Ibuprofen. I got home, laid on the couch, and ate some soup and pretzels for dinner. I had bad gas pains in my neck and shoulders.
The next couple of days, I felt decent, but didn’t have much of an appetite. I also found that I lost the ability to feel when I had to pee. I just made sure to pee every couple of hours. Today, I feel like that ability is slowly coming back. However, peeing does still take longer than it used to. And, I’m constipated, which didn’t happen after top surgery. Stool softeners are helping. On day two, I had gas pains in my neck and shoulders again, and I also was very tired. I napped for an hour and a half in the afternoon, and spent most of the day on the couch. Day three, I felt a lot better. My appetite started to come back, and I wasn’t as tired. I went for a walk in the afternoon.
Today, my appetite is continuing to return. I went for a little bit of a longer walk. I also went for my two week post-op appointment for top surgery. I had my drains out the day before my hysto, but unfortunately, I’ve had some fluid in my right side of my chest. My surgeon stuck a needle into my chest and drained it, and told me to massage my chest a few times a day and to keep wearing my compression binder. Hopefully, the fluid won’t come back, but she said it might. My throat also still hurts from the anesthetic.
I’m not allowed to do anything more strenuous than walking for at least a couple of weeks, if not more. My hysto surgeon said I’d have to take a month off work, so with already having taken nearly two weeks off before my hysto for top surgery, that’ll be a total of six weeks off from work. But from the way I’m feeling only four days after surgery, I think I may be able to go back sooner, as long as I take it easy. I guess we’ll see. I’ve just been feeling very antsy. Being able to hang out and take a break from Real Life was nice for a couple weeks, but now I’m antsy and want to get back to Real Life. I want to be able to run and lift weights and bike and go to work…but I know I have to be patient.
Overall, I’m very happy with the results of both my surgeries. The seroma complication with my top surgery is more of an annoyance than a genuine concern. It probably happened because the one drain was taken out a little too soon, but I really didn’t want to have to deal with getting a second surgery with the drains still in.
Both of my surgeons are wonderful people and incredibly competent doctors. Obviously, the quality of the nurses I had during my post-op from my hysto weren’t great. But I don’t blame my surgeon for that, nor do I think it shows any reflection on her level of care. I’m healing great and I feel pretty good, besides still feeling vaguely bloated and crampy still.
Please let me know if you have any questions! I’m happy to answer anything about the surgery, my recovery, etc. I know I’m in a relatively unique situation considering my top surgery and hysto were so close together.
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