#ive been stuck as a very effeminate 12 year old boy for over half my life.

[gaycatastrophe]

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#cw: some passive suicidal ideation #cw: dysphoria talk #one thing about living by myself through All This #is in being forced to confront others’ perceptions of me much less often than i did pre covid #i have learned that my internal perception of physical realities of myself is just. SO skewed. #in my head when i dont have to confront Being Perceived i am much more masculine looking and have a deeper voice than i actually do #like the internal voice narrating my thoughts is deeper than i hear my own voice #and the way i hear my own voice is deeper than my voice actually is #and stronger than my voice actually is at this point too #so when i hear a recording of myself im like who the fuck is that #but also. im 28 years old and yet #ive always had a touch of peter pan syndrome and i think #i genuinely think part of me feels like a child bc i didnt go through testosterone puberty #ive been stuck as a very effeminate 12 year old boy for over half my life. #im trying very hard not to get suicidal about it bc what i actually want #what i actually want is not to cease but to start over #bc even going on T now like im not gonna get taller and im not even in the range of normal heights for short men to be #and my dad is 6’ #and idk i like being me but i dont want to be a tiny twink forever. fuck.