#ive been refusing to use filters lmao

[noorengels]

reasons i am sad (friendship edition)

in year 4 my best friend invited everyone to her birthday party and not me and they all actually kept it a secret really well they almost pulled it off except she held her party in la plaza which basically is the hangout spot for families in that area i spent all my fridays there playing until midnight bc literally everyone from school would go. so i was walking home with my entire family inc grandparents and uncles and we went through la plaza and there they were! every single one of my friends at her party! apparently her mum didnt let her invite me bc apparently i hit her which i didn’t i hit another girl so her excuse is invalid and its the first time ive been so publicly excluded i cried on a bench.

in year 7 we hated this girl bc she was so fake i genuinely believe she is a psychopath like she has all the symptoms except shes in set 5 maths lol so my friend was like what if i spread a rumour about her and i was like lol do it and she did and for some reason i was blamed??? and lost all of my friends and she bullied me so hard but i didnt realise bc i was “friends” with her bc our mums were friends so shed like walk with me to lessons and talk to me while belittleing me and idk she was just a fucking bitch she made me feel so horrible like it was emotional bullying but also like telling everyone who i liked and saying lmao you literally have no friends “count how many friends you have? omg you literally cant even reach ten can you???” like in front of everyone but then shed also be really nice to me at the same time like idk it was like she was my friend but she bullied me it was so horrible saffa i hate you and the original friend who spread the rumour went on to become her best friend for like 6 years so uh hate that

managed to make friends with people not in my class in year 8! which sucked bc saffa had alienated people in my class so now they all just didnt like me i was the weird girl with no friends because of her and it was so horrible bc id always be forced to join the ready made groups between friends by the teacher  bc i didnt have a group to work with or id get paired with the weird girl like i was only the weird girl after saffa made everyone hate me this girl was weird bc she just is idk 

in year 10 they made a gc without me! i basically created that group tho like i gathered these friends i hade made in different lessons (obviously not in my main class lol) and they literally just??? decided to exclude me for no reason. and then theyd talk about what they talked about in the gc in front of me like “omg remember last night on the gc” isha ur so fucking boring no normal person talks about their gc with the same people again do u have no other conversational points smh

in year 11 it got so bad to the point where once i sat with them and they all just left! like they took their stuff and moved to the table behind me i wanted to cry so bad i did at home i think its the worst one out of all of these because it happened to my face? idk saffa was horrible too but this was just “were leaving” idk like ive never felt as horrible as i did in that moment i cant even describe how im feeling rn reliving it

its okay bc i made friends with my best friend from sciences + history bc our surnames are next to each other so we always sat together! i honestly clung to this girl after that bc i refused to spend a second longer with that other group after 3 years of enduring not even being liked by ur friends so i made friends with her friends which was easy bc yes! 

so by the first term of year 12 i had three friends! in fact one of them was like ur not having a birthday party??? im taking u out to eat so my first birthday event thing in literally years was all thanks to arun i am honestly so grateful for him he didnt even go bc he was busy and we planned it the day before my birthday but it was literally me and two friends eating pizza at zizzis and im crying so much rn but year 12 was when i found people who genuinely cared about me

we established a group of like 8 lol and were planning a holiday for the end of year 13! very skam of us! we had a gc and everything! we were gonna go to spain bc im spanish so i could speak!

this trip was unspoken of in year 13 and i was like lol kinda weird um okay but nope nothing weird about it they just created a chat without me and were still going to spain!!! one of them even sent me screenshots of their airbnb to translate its like u want me to know lol

i did complain to one of them but thats it i was just hurt on my own and coronavirus happened so it got cancelled anyways so i won really

in yr 13 i also got closer to this boy called adam! i remember my friend was like you two would get on so well idk why ur not friends and i was like idk its adam lol do i really want to and yes i did bc he is in fact the isak to my sana! but anyways i hate him but i love him we have that kinda friendship where were alwAYS trying to beat the other one up and honestly the most heart felt goodbye when schools shut was between us both bc at first we were fighting and then he just stopped and his eyes softened and i was like whats wrong with you why arent u punching me and he went come here and we hugged and its like wow despite being a dick ill miss you

anyways so uhhh quarantine we skyped often it was fun and then restrictions were lifted i went to spain and the second i land they all stop talking in the gc????? like im abroad not dead why are u creating a new one??? this gc was agressively spammed so i know for a fact theres another im not stupid

i come back from spain and theyre like can we meet!!! we meet three weeks later and theyr like i missed u so much im so happy uou came i love you and it felt really genuine like they genuinely missed me

two days later i find out through snapchat theyve all gone on holiday together!!!!!!!!!!!!! all of them and just ofc didnt invite me they went to the beach for two days and kept posting about it and im so bitter about it like bro???????? why so secretive????? like i cried so much when i saw bc they still just idk why does every single friendgroup ive ever been in exclude me like i must be the problem theres no other explanation for it i am not the kind of person people want to have around i am so funny but im a bitch and will come for ur ass because i have the inability to lie i have no filter either which i know makes them dislike me i know it does but thats the price you oay for being my friend i just say things as it is becauxe i hate secrets bc secrets are always about excluding me so i rather be honest and upfront but that clearly puts people off bc im too upfront and im not getting a personality transplant im not tryna be boring but im so sick of always being the one on her own

adam was relevant uh hews my only friend rn he checked up on me the other day so cheers adam for making sure im not completely isolated

the funny thing is that all my friends hate adam bc “hes a dick” hes not he just says things how it is were so similar so if they hate adam they hate me and im over being hated lol bye!

i start uni next week and i clearly have no social skills so im not gonna make friends im so scared of being lonely i hate being left out

this went from sad to full on angry like i was crying at some point and now im fuming like im so hot rn my blood pressure isnt doing okay

#my manifesto #sua: extreme #venting #xoxo #no ones had more friendship drama than me i refuse to believe it #this is 1526 words long #shut up ali

[clovercoin]

aj where are you?????????? UPDATES by CloverCoin

Hey all, sorry I actually had a pretty bad mental break, body was being pretty wretched. So I frankly just kinda gave up for a while there. Frankly, I'm not handling Candy passing well at all. I'm very upset and angry still. I got a nasty message on here and really upset me/set me off. I've talked to this a lot to Provinite and CinnriStreusel and I think I'm going to be delegating a lot more of the sales and social media handling for Clover Coin Designs to cinnri soon. We're just working out a process that is going to work best for us all to work cooperatively together. Both of them do not want me to give up no matter what. They believe in me more than I believe in myself. That's... pretty wild. I've been off in a bad place for a few months now. Barely managing to draw, doing my best to keep up minor doodles/personal oc art just so my arms don't atrophy again. it's been a very frustrating summer, but with the help of my friends it really does look like things might get better. It's been consistent.. ish with my ipad. But not being well enough to sit down and stay at my desktop and therefore my updates and correspondence have been not available to me at all. That's 100% on me, no one else to blame here. We all know my health is shit, I know better than anyone my health is shit. Just been... mentally harder to deal with lately. So much, so very much I want to do. I'm so desperate for it. But all I get to do is have 1 spoon a day and have to use that for my own maintenance of making sure I eat and take all my medications. And let me tell you all, I've been failing. Barely been conscious the past two weeks and when I'm awake everything hurts so badly I can't think straight. I can't even stand company. I've been getting so angry at Provinite being in my bubble all the damn time lmao (he literally can't help it, he lives here and also helps caretake for me, ive been just pretty emotionally irrational lately....) sigh, it's been just hard seeing us work so hard and there is just always SO MUCH MORE to do. it's so stressful I spend a lot of days crying about it. It's not the fault of art, not the fault of community, not the fault of friends. I'm just so angry and tired of being sick and only getting 2% of my time... then not being allowed to do ANYTHING fun with it. I'm feeling burned out and run down. I want to escape. Another thing is I have a lot of opinions. I am having a really hard time "grin and bare it" while traveling through SFW social media feeds and trying to keep my own work updated daily so I'm not forgotten and then truly am destined to be broke and f*cked. I really can't stand scheduling any more, I can't stand updating any more through this pristine FILTER everyone irrationally expects out of people. I just am angry and I want to own my space again. I will be still using CloverCoin, I still own CloverCoin, Pillowing-Pile and Lintlings is still hibernating but ACTIVELY being worked on even to this day. We're slow, it's been really hard, but with CinnriStreusel it's just finally starting to get moving again. Clovercoin will pretty much just be my professional brand/curated content for this account. All SFW content and minor safe places so peeps can enjoy them to the fullest. So to find my own space again, I'm going to be moving all of my personal life/updating/fun self to 18+ and NSFW spaces (minors should avoid!!). I have a 2nd da account I will be using for personal fun and personal work. TailSideUp twitter.com/tailsideup www.furaffinity.net/user/flips… As always, there is a large number of people who take issue with me but refuse to resolve it with me. SHRUG. Purity culture at it's finest folks. I will need to be blocking people on my new name, but fair game on me. If you don't like me? BLOCK ME. Block TailSideUp and make sure your spaces are safe and comfortable. I'm not here to ruin anyone's good time, especially creatively. I'll be using my block list very liberally as well with anyone who makes me uncomfortable or whenever I get rude messages/future harassment. I will no longer be tolerating any harassment, even to "grin and bare it" for my cutesy brand. I'm not your personal punching bag. Anyway I know people have been very worried about me, from customers, to trades, to patrons, and all of my friends. Thank you so much for messaging me on discord, I'm so sorry I have not been able to reply in respective times, I've been very stressed and very sad and... it feels like I will infect people i like when I talk to them. So I hold myself up and just go back to bed. That isn't the correct answer and I'm sorry. I'm working my best through all of these social anxieties and trying to process what I can do to lessen the stress all around. I figure making an official update for you all to know what's going on is where to start. I'm mostly going to be logged in as TailSideUp so if you're looking for quick replies from me, try there before clovercoin. do NOT message me about Pillowing-Pile / Pillowing-Archive group and community stuff though, that account is strictly for me/personal space/not clover coin community stuff. I need a break and making this boundary is super necessary for my well being. I will be making regular logins to clovercoin during my business hours once I have them figured out with Provinite and CinnriStreusel . So clovercoin isn't dead or neglected, in fact it's... oddly getting prioritized so everything in the long run can be updated regularly and by a team instead of just lil 'o me. overall I'm seriously broke. I need about $3000 usd. I have not been able to work or do anything in my current state and not being able to bring in even minimum amount of cash has really hurt us. I really need to start making money again and will be contacting everyone over the next week or two about commissions or trades to finish them up. I want to forcefully make myself start streaming again. I'm not looking to take on even more work, I'm stressed and struggling. I want to complete what I owe first then move on from there. But in the mean time, yes I'm literally begging for help and for money. ko-fi.com/clovercoin so yeah, that's the gist of it all. it's cool if you can't help me, it's cool if you can't give me money, hell it's cool if you're actively shitting on me. Just be straight with me and we're good. _へ__(‾◡◝ )>

#clovercoin

[snkpolls]

2017 Tumblr Character Popularity Poll i guess

sup so here is my choice ^^ i chose these five because all five of them seem the most realistic and 3 dimensional characters to me.

Eren

Annie

Ymir

Armin

Mikasa

so beginning with Eren; he has been my favorite character in SNK ever since i got into the series, its been about four years and i am still up his ass love him. he is someone who i somewhat identify with yet aspire to be as well. sounds dumb probably but yeah. his mental strength is something i find in real people too very admirable, as well as his persistence and the fact that he fights until the end even if it the odds arent working in his favor at all. he’s not like ‘why should i keep going if the chance of this working out is so thin’, no, he’s all 'i can work this out with whatever little chance is left’ - this boy is a hurricane and such a vibrant, dynamic character - it gives me goosbumps sometimes. i suffered with him throughout his developement and i just like him so much because we started out so similar; we were both impulsive, emotional kids and didnt think before saying smth or acting. i could understand eren from the start. the way he grew up though and is still growing gives me so much hope for myself too - he’s a good learner, he can control his emotions better and he’s actually a rly clever kid in my opinion. people used to look down on him for seemingly being 'all talk but not acting’ and now look up to him - in my opinion not only because he’s humanities hope but because he is such a great, strong person. he radiates that power and its just fucking amazing. this kid is so dear to me and out of all the fictional characters outta books/movies/anime/mangas he has a special spot in my heart. he inspires me and kicks my ass whenever im in the gym or in a mentally challenging situation, like a little voice in the back of my head. sounds stupid but this rly works.

now Annie; i have a thing for ambigious characters. i feel like in our society people tend to see things in black and white and are quick to judge wether or not something or someone for that matter is good or bad. thats just such bullshit and annoys me so much sometimes. ive met people who were so goody goody that it made me hate them. they just didnt want to see that they’ve made bad decisions, have said bad things too because it would be oh so damaging for their reputation. fuck that. nothings just bad or just good. trying to fit into this good role has been haunting me for a while until i realized that people never really show you all their faces. Annie seems like the villain, the asshole, the one responsible for death and misery but does anyone ever think about the fact that she doesnt want to do so? she sure can choose what she does - but that is just hard when certain opinions, patterns etc. have been drilled into your brain ever since you were a child. she is conflicted, she really is. i believe that she is a good person, i truly do. all she wants is to reach her goals and she’s been 'brainwashed’ into doing things in the process that are just horrible and she knows what is considered bad and good nontheless. characters like her are so interesting.

besides that, Annie is a truly strong person. mentally and physically. her determination is so admirable and strong and as a side effect of her being very goal oriented she also dropped giving a damn about how people think she’s a bad person. i feel like she knows that she is not. and that she understands what she does and did is wrong but damn it, she just wants to go home. shes not cold, she just seems really really tired of the weight on her shoulders that is pushing her down. she knows what matters and shows emotions in moments that are important. i love how she can filter trivial shit from the things that matter. and whenever she did show emotions it was so heart warming or relieving for me to see. when she cried because she couldnt catch eren, when she smiled when he showed his respect and admiration towards her by using her fighting techniques or when she laughed when she finally revealed that she was the female titan. my ereannie shipper heart is showing i guess lmao

Ymir; marry me!! is another ambigious character. its clear as hell that she doesnt care about how people see her and i feel like she herself doesnt try to label herself as good or bad anyway. i think without that knowledge she can work things out just fine and thats just so freaking amazing and admirable. such labels aren’t something we should focus on too much and we should just focus on being - then great things come naturally imo.

she, too, knows what matters and knows what doesnt. not only is she super careless and charming /swoons/ with her sassiness (at least imo), shes also incredibly good at reading people and is not afraid to call someones bullshit out. i’ve always liked her a lot and her backstory made her even more interesting. ymir is so clever and a knows how to survive.

a big part of her is also her love for historia and that is another thing i love about her. she openly cares for her and that shows that shes not some arrogant rotten person. she can make anyting work if its for historia. this shows a huge admirable dedication and at first i could hardly imagine her having so much love for someone and caring for someone else besides herself. in her flashback it seemed like she was a rather timid ish kid? now look at the amazing woman she is now - im so so stunned and have a lot of respect for her. another truly great and 3 dimensional character.

fourth is Armin; a lot of my friends dont like him because hes such a 'basic character’ - they mean that theres apparently always a physically weak and 'just’ intelligent character in any story. Armin is more than that. these things sure are true - but hes also a mentally strong person and a good friend. he gives everyone a chance and even felt bad for when he tricked annie, the enemy!, in the episode/chapter where him, eren and mikasa wanted her to lead them through some underground tunnel and she refused. armin is so good natured yet is not afraid to speak the harsh truth (when he called reiner and berthold out for leaving annie behind when they tried to kidnap eren and told them how she gets tortured) or act violently when its really, really necessary (like when he shot the guy who attacked jean on the carriage). he has stupidly good intuition and i admire that so much. he got his shit together and that is in my opinion worth much more than physical strength.

lastly Mikasa; i used to dislike/rather ignore her when i got into SNK. but years ago, i just scratched on the surface of SNK and its characters, last year i started reading the manga though and now that season two is animated i can say that i rly love her. at first i thought of her as another 'basic’ character - physically strong but emotionless to keep up some weird badass image. but she really is badass. especially in the manga shes strong in many ways.

mentally, physically - she not only cares about eren, as i at first thought, she cares about many and she knows how to protect them. she has a clear mind and has her priorities set straight. and shes sure as hell not emotionless - she is one of the characters who had felt the most emotions possible imo and coped with a lot of pain. she coped with so much. what kind of badass deals two times with the loss of their parents and doesnt think 'i dont want to do this anymore’? mikasa ackerman is that kinda badass. ofc shed turn out a little distant, rather cold. but she could have become a cry baby, she could have just given up - but she never did. not even when she thought that eren has been eaten by a titan. like, if her entire universe would seriously only revolve around eren she would have had this stupid thought 'if hes dead then i wanna be with him’ but she did not choose that path. she is so so so powerful, fuck im in awe because of her all the damn time, as im writing this im already about to tear up because shes just amazing. she knows pain so well, yet she doesnt allow it to destroy her.

and, same as with annie, i cheerish the moments she smiled, cried and comforted armin or eren. i even cheerished the moment she snapped when she thought eren was dead and became so reckless because it just made her so much more human in my eyes.

omg i hope this is okay and not too lengthy??? lmao

#submission #thank you for your vote!

[junkrats]

im getting back into fish keeping/hobby n im just........... i might end up posting more about it or just make a blog for it hmmmmm im currently cleaning my old 30 gallon tank out to put 3 juvenile parrot cichlids in that im gonna eventually move into one of our 60 gallon tanks that i want to turn into a cichlid tank in general but ive never taken care of anything other than parrots and jewels [not together in the same tank] ? and other community fish... my dads always been the one who keeps more aggressive fish etc n im just like MMMMM I WANT TO TRY 

--

my last experiences the past 15 years has been.. i had my 30 gallon that i had a small community tank for, and then eventually moved those fish into a bigger tank that my dad had

i def had a betta [it was red and named shaggy] for a few years but i was a kid n just got bored of one fish also had no clue how to take care of a betta fish [my dad never helped me with any of my tanks mind you at the time] luckily i atleast gave the betta the right food and filter and enough room but i was dumb and had stuff like.. fake plants instead of real ones and i remember my filter/water flow was pr rough [again, lack of experience for a kid... atleast i didnt keep the poor thing in a bowl without a filter] but i also didnt understand water changes until i was like 15! [and even then i didnt start giving my fish water changes until i was like 20 cus i was lazy and doing it every week sounds dumb so id do it once a month.... im def gonna make sure i give my new fish a change every week, prob on T day]

then i eventually had angel fish, which honestly? i didnt really enjoy them as much as i thought i would. they were beautiful, 2 small black angels but i really didnt know what to put in with them at the time and just didnt really enjoy the tank.... 

eventually i had a cool orange salamander which was cute but in the end i realized it wasnt for me? and i could never get the temperature + scenery how i wanted it...? i didnt know SHIT and wish i never bought it [mind you i have always paid for my own fish cus my dad refused to buy me anything that he knew id have to be responsible for] also being like a preteen i didnt really know how much water to put in the tank, what kind of salamander it was and what it needed to eat etc.. ive def learned to RESEARCH a fish now that im older.. thank god

so i went back to having a betta [this time blue that my step ma bought me for my birthday, loved this guy cus hed nibble on my fingers super cute!] and that lasted a for a while but having a betta in a 30 gallon by himself was super boring to me and at the time i wasnt confident enough or knew how i would make it a community tank + beta so i just ended up waiting for the betta to eventually just run his course........ 2 yrs later lmao [i think my first betta lived 2 yrs while this guy only lived 4, but probably cus i def did not do water changes as often as i should have at this point still plus other things]

finally got an electric blue lobster crayfish dude and he was so cool [i only got one cus i saw my dads friends tanks and this one guy had a tank of like 4 of them and even with some other big fish and i wanted to do the same!] i only got one tho cus i couldnt afford more and i just.... i trusted this fish pet store dude to know what to put in with this crayfish. turns out um anything i tried to put in with this fucking crayfish would end so BADLY to the point that i was SO UPSET over this dude that i traded him in for store credit 

i was honestly so upset over all my failed attempts at keeping this crayfish that i decided i just didnt want to deal with flashy aggressive solo tank fish....anymore... adn that i just wasnt ready for it yet [this is like.. before i knew there was a awesome community of fish hobbyists mind you]

i ended up getting gold fish and tbh? it was perfect. the tank was fine with just a few gold fish that eventually got SO BIG... that i couldnt keep them in my 30 gallon anymore so... i asked my dad to put them into the 60 gallon and he refused because he HATES gold fish [he loves koi tho? i kno he wants a pond some day, and the super duper fancy tailed goldfish, but always says theyre too dirty n hard to maintain in the tanks he has which made me sad cus i thought they were very fun active colorful cute fish!]

SO

i trade in the large goldfish and the guy at this local fish store goes “it sounds like you like active colorful fish, have you ever taken care of parrot fish before?” [this was after i told him i didnt want smaller community fish anymore] and i ofc i was like no ? n also ive only ever seen blood parrots in the stores n thought they were kiiinda bland.. at the time. 

but he showed me some cute jelly bean parrots and they were so colorful i loved them. i got two, a blue and pink one. i kept them for years and moved them into the 60 gallon and they did awesome. [i was in highschool at this time] until.... 

we lost our house and had to move, luckily into a much bigger nice home, and so our poor fish had to come with. my poor parrots were so stressed out. the move was just very sudden and it was really hard on the fish.. and trying to set up the tanks during it was really hard. my dad did the best he could trying to cycle while we were busy moving into the new house.. 

it was really sad. every fish did fine n managed except my 2 big parrot fish.... they did fine for like a week id say? maybe 2 weeks they were ok but then one day they were both just dead and it was heart breaking... the rest of the tank was fine even afterwards and the other tanks were ok too.. 

so i just kinda lost interest n gave up after that for a bit. eventually the bottom tank had only a few guppies in it that my dad ended up using to just feed his fish with cus they kept breeding. 

then one day i went to some crappy meijers, mind you i NEVEr have bought fish anywhere besides local pet stores, and my friends were pr high and we were all goofn.. it was like 3 am. i had 50 cents in my pocket. we went past the fish and i saw these like gold fish, real small ones, being sold for like 10 cents each. i bought five of them n then went home n put them in the 60 gallon....

my dad, ofc, was pissed and told me not to ever do that again. and it was pr dumb cus these like 10 cent fish are always prone to disease n stuff real easily but.. they ended up doing awesome in this nice big tank.. and it was funny, eventually 1 of them got so big and was so aggressive he picked on the others and even ended up EATING one????? i was shocked but like.. ya kno, never had these kinda weird feeder goldfish before. so this gold fish, with no fancy fins or nothing, just.. got bigger than my god damn hand. i named him goldzilla......

he ended up eating the guppies in the tank, and the fish food, and just.. everything! eventually he got SO big i decided it was time to trade him in. the guy at the fish store ended up giving me 20 bucks for this 10 cent gold fish...... 

so after that i turned the tank into a glowfish tetra tank and even got a special light for it that let them glow and what not. super cool.. but you have to have a lot of them n theyre so expensive n just....... thats where that tank is now ? it has like 5 glowfish in it and now 3 jb parrots in with em and theyre not like messn the tetras up but if they do i.... wouldnt care... cus i really love the parrots and stuff n ive been tryn to read more n watch more about fish keeping stuff..... and i just, i def shouldnt have gotten the glow tetras cus theyre cool n all but so small and also having only like 5 in a 60 gallon is so barren.. 

so yeah thats where i am atm. im gonna try really hard to take care of these parrots and in a few years maybe get a cool cichlid tank up n running to move them into? prob with convicts and what ever else.. idk i wanna get better at taking care of my fish and keep up with water changes and be smarter bout it all.... im trying 

#this is super long #blahblah #talking bout fish hobby stuff

[jonghyyn]

iyo when you write non-straight characters should you specify their sexuality/gender? I mean I'm personally a very 'not into labels at all' person for my own sexuality but support ppl who do find comfort in labels. but when I write I also tend to go toward the 'he just loves who he loves !!!' that sounded stupid but idk how to explain it.. so... like I was wondering why you feel strongly about explicitly stating someone's queerness instead of it being implied (at least u come off as that sorta)

i do definitely feel like that so!! i happen to have a lot of feelings about this so get ready for a Long Ramble. this is a precaution before ive even started typing i just know im gonna write a lot

i think before we start saying anything, we’ve got to acknowledge the difference between people who say that they dont like labels, and writing characters who Don’t Like Labels™. pointing out the problems of the latter is not a condemnation of the former. if someone rly doesnt feel like labeling their sexuality or gender, thats totally alright. the difference between these two is the person is a nuanced, multifaceted human being who may have lots of personal reasons for feeling that way, while the second is a fictional character that is Created and informed by cultural views of the creator. a person is not “created” by one single author and characters arent like…real living agents that have their Own Free Will, they are what their creators make of them. anyway i just feel like this is a rly important distinction that gets lost often!! i’m also more willing to look favorably on someone who self describes that way writing characters based on their own experiences, bc this perspective is inherently different from a straight person writing these sorts of characters. but moving on. 

whats also important to understand, beyond writing characters, is how being openly not straight is shunned. queer people are not allowed to Exist as openly queer and they have not been allowed historically. even these days among people who consider themselves progressive, you’ll often hear that “its alright if someone is gay but do they have to shove it in my face all the time.” this attitude isnt somehow formed in vacuum, but created in a society that treats been openly queer as a taboo. we aren’t allowed to be open about our sexualities the way straight people are. we can’t acknowledge that we’re queer lest someone tells us to Stop Shoving It In Their Face (not missing the irony as we’re surrounded by 400 billboards of hetero couples everywhere). i dont wan’t to delve into other aspects of discrimination and get too off track here, i just want to focus on how being Openly queer is treated as a taboo, particularly among people who still want to call themselves ‘accepting.’ the only way society allows queer people to exist is if they never remind anyone, Ever that they are not straight.

this is Integral to understanding why the i Don’t Like Labels characters are so frustrating. the unwillingness to Explicitly talk about queer people carries over quite handily to media. the same faux progressive people that demand queer people never talk about being queer bc its Too Much Information, will praise queer coded characters that hint at their sexuality but never confirm it. the reason these characters are written is not to genuinely explore why someone might feel uncomfortable with applying labels to themselves, but to appease people who will accept queerness as long as they never have to acknowledge it. this way, u can court queer people interested in representation And people who might like the story but will be uncomfortable with explicit queerness. its an attempt for writers to cash in on peoples desires for interesting queer characters without ever actually fully committing to representing them. you dont get to claim to support queer people if ur also out there providing comfort for peoples homophobia. you cant have a foot in both doors. 

describing queer experiences without calling them queer means that youre okay with this story as long as u dont acknowledge it as something Explicitly not straight and like…why?? why is it suddenly not okay when u take that bundle of experiences and use the word that theyre defining?? theres Weight behind using words like bi, gay, lesbian and if u reject them are u Really okay with lgbtq people? or are you okay with them Despite the fact that theyre lgbtq and not because you take into account theyre lgbtq. acceptance is not tolerating people Despite something, its acknowledging it and validating it as an okay thing to be. especially when it is something that historically Not been validated as okay. dismantling structural systems of queerphobia does not go about by ignoring queerphobia…shit this doesnt just fade away by chance, it takes active work. and part of this active work is Acknowledging Peoples Queerness As Something that is okay Out In The Open. the You in this isnt directed at you anon, just people who have these sentiments. 

throwing vague statements like ‘they just love who they love’ Also creates this level of ambiguity. you might say “well why do u need the certainty when ur describing what is at the very least, something obviously very not straight” and to that i say youd be fucking surprised at how goddamn hard straight people will try to erase the queerness out of a character. like i’m going to use a game called life is strange as a example. i’ll give some background: in the game, the main character max can romance both chloe and warren. note that max is not one of those blank state wholly customisable bioware-esque player characters, she has a personality outside of the choices u make. anyway, the conclusion that is Logically drawn from this is that she is most likely bisexual. or at the very least in some way, not straight. and Yet i have seen discussions that say “she doesnt have a set sexuality it just depends on the playthrough so shes not rly a Queer Character.” even more than that, ive seen people that saw “well even in the chloe one shes not necessarily gay or bi maybe shes just Making an Exception for chloe bc their relationship transcends sexuality” and like ??? Why??? why cant she just be bi?? even when given a queer romance, why do u try and interpret it in a way that sets her up as straight?? ive seen people say “its not a romance its just something that Transcends Words” as if this is… mutually exclusive from being a romance. like… Why doesnt this happen when hetero relationships are depicted?? ive literally never seen someone say “u know, maybe hes not attracted to women and just Making an Exception so hes not straight” why dont u see people try to erase the romance aspect out of hetero romances by claiming their relationship is “Beyond Words.” this treatment is 1000% only ever afforded to queer characters. this attempt to play off romance as not rly romantic is only done to queer characters, even if its done subconsciously. people will Refuse to accept a character is queer as fuck if you dodge around it, because heteronormativity is so ingrained in every interaction that even obviously queer characters get filtered through this lens. the problem with this isnt necessarily apparent until u look at it within historical context, where queer people are repeatedly not allowed to be openly queer. these arent isolated incidents, but manifestations of the idea that queer people shouldnt ever be open about their sexuality. youve got to tackle the discomfort that people have with words like gay/lesbian/bi/etc

i think this particular character trope wouldnt bother me so much if it wasnt like… the only narrative ever present. time and time again, i have to see characters proclaim that they dont like labels while never once even hearing people breathe the word bisexual. if it existed alongside characters who were explicitly queer it would be less frustrating But its literally one of the few ways (semi positive attempts at least) queer characters are ever portrayed. this is particularly true for bisexual characters lmao like… yes…theres people who dont like labels…but theres also millions of bi people that just wanna see a fucking bi character Talk about being bi and all we ever get is a vague “i dont like labels” (that is often never explored further than that and treated as a throwaway line anyway). is creating characters who say that a genuine attempt to characterize someones struggles with labels or is it just a way to avoid saying the word Bisexual.

same with queer romance in media. its only ever Okay if u just hint at it- see dumbledore being gay. see- the korrasami thing (though i dont fault the writers for this bc they pushed hard for what they got, its issues with the network). why are queer people relegated to drawn out stares that May imply something while straight characters are allowed to get into explicit relationships. when u create ambiguous characters that May be interpreted as straight (even if youve really gotta stretch) ur prefer to maintain the negative “neutral” of the heteronormative status quo and allow homophobes to live with their views unchallenged more than u care about addressing queerness in characters. 

 its not a coincidence that we dont do this to straight romance or straight characters. this is particularly important for queer kids!! its good to see queer characters out there being openly queer. while me and u can often pick up on queer themes and narratives, a 8 year old is not going to get that. especially when theyve been conditioned to see straight romance as the only feasible choice. they wont realize the character youre writing is gay or bi or whatever Because they havent been exposed to the connotations we associate w certain phrases. its so important for queer kids to see queer characters Owning that theyre queer. its especially importantly to normalize words like gay or bi or pan. being gay is often Extremely hypersexualized (which is why so many people will tell u they dont care what u do in the bedroom bc they can only picture queerness is a sexual context) so when u Dont treat these words as things only adults can say, u help get rid of the stigma surrounding them. u help remove the idea that being queer is inappropriate for kids to hear about and that the only possible aspect to being queer is sexual. 

anyway this has been Quite the Ramble but the point is that yes, we need to write more characters who are absolutely explicit about their sexuality and move away from the expectation that queer people need to create euphemisms to comfort homophobes desires to never hear about queerness.

#LONG POST #VERY LONG POST #man...u rly got me going #theres a lot of reasons why labels are important in the first place but man this is truly long enough as this is #i hope i didnt get too rambly and my point still stands i try to stop myself from going off on tangents #anon #ask

[lightborn-shadow]

[OOC chatter] Topic: KKSS verse details

Please input thoughts if you wish, I’m going to put some under the cut so it’s not a super long post on the dash. TLDR under readmore at end of post.

I theorize that Hellsalem’s Lot has a lower oxygen level then a NOT domed-in sealed-off area. Sure there are still trees and at least one greenhouse but the level of trapped pollution is heavy. Especially for someone so accustomed to being in the wilderness instead of a city. We’re talking waste stench, dust, and who knows what else at any given time.

Therefor I’ve been thinking of designing (please consider the term loosely) a mask Rija can wear when the oxygen deprivation is too much, mostly during high action when muscles demand good circulation and oxygen supply. It would filter out dirty air and maximize the oxygen level of what she breaths.

Sure Rija’s natural abilities can maximize her body’s efficiency with using the oxygen she takes in, but that doesn’t mean a lack of cleaner air doesn’t slow her down or have her tiring out faster compared to being say, in a forest.

She has a strong affinity with nature as well as animals. Rija may have been born human in this life but that doesn’t mean she happily inhales the stink of NY’s Manhattan streets, let alone the alternate NY HSL as easily as the other characters seem to.

Important things to consider?:

-This would give her a boost in long intense fights when she’s required to stay “human” as long as she has the mask with her. If she can’t use the mask, her human body would get too tried too fast to last until the end, so she would have to shape-shift or allow her body to function as it naturally should, no limitations. Which in turn would basically give her away as not all human at the very least to anyone smart enough to notice.

- Instead of being suspected as not human, the only suspicions that should arise are how did she afford this mask if she claims she can’t afford to replace her glasses all the time? Hinting that she could be loaded, or has friends in good places.

- Would cover her mouth and nose, in theory it would probably help filter out gaseous poisons, but I’d make it only lessen how much of it she breaths at a time, allowing her to last longer before succumbing to the effects. Unless the opponent breaks it first.

- She could still forget to bring it and be put in a pickle anyway, it wont always be present in fight rps.

- It could have a stench filter with a nice smell which, while wearing it, would actually hinder her sense of smell which she relies on along with her hearing. So this could be one of those + & - accessories. There’s a benefit and a hindrance. Not a total boost.

- Even if she is fighting with no concern of playing human (maybe she already revealed stuff to your character or the group involved. Maybe the situation calls for a loss in anonymity for her to be effective.) Rija could still prefer using this mask over not. So it won’t just be used for excuses if someone asks “hey, how come you lasted so long? No way you could if you’re human.” considering even human Libra members only last so long due to normal human hindrances like damage taken or exhaustion.

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Just thoughts... there’s a number of things i need to add to this tumblr so I’m just thinking.

TLDR; should I give her an air filtrating mask to feel better and help her fake being human or let her suffocate if she refuses to expose herself lmao

#ooc talk #Verse: Kekkai Sensen #Mun thinking