#ive been eating like shit the past 12 days and i have no idea how much i weigh but ik i have to have gained at least 15-20 lbs

[writingsfromhome]

Nuclear Family IV

Part Four: Birthdays and Broken Hearts

A/N: Strap on your seatbelts because this one has lotsa highs and lows!! Everyone might just be back to square one at the end.. (:

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5

-------------------------------

Everything that could go wrong on Charlie's birthday, does go wrong.

One: I accidentally sleep in and by the time I'm up, Charlie is wide awake, playing with her stuffed animals on the edge of the bed while I hear muffled voices outside.

"Charlie when-what..." I check the clock, 9:12. Shit. "Charlie have you had breakfast already? I slept in."

Charlie shrugs. "Harry and Nana said to stay in the room."

I listen to what's going on outside, it sounded like balloons; I was supposed to get up early and get that done! I swear to myself. "Charlie stay here, I'll be back."

I do enough to look presentable and step out to the living room. Balloons and streamers cover every inch, surrounding a big birthday balloon in the centre, and a pile of gifts I'd kept hidden in Harry's linen closet ever since we got here are in a neat pile off to the side.

"Charlie said you wanted to sleep..." Harry says when he catches my expression.

“I...” I guess I did say that. I was still surprised she didn’t wake me out of excitement. “I meant to be up early and get started on all this thank you guys I...it looks...amazing. She’s going to love it!”

"It's nothing at all for my grandaughter," Harry's mom beams. "Bring the birthday girl out here!"

"Okay!" I squeal, excited for Charlie and trying to push away the guilt.

Two: Charlie doesn't look very excited. At all. I bring her out on my back, and although she smiles and thanks her Nana, she barely looks at Harry. She sticks by my side, and continues looking as somber as this morning.

"Something's upsetting her," I say to Harry as we reheat breakfast to bring it out. Charlie was being entertained by Harry's family at the table. "I don't know what."

"She's never like this," Harry agrees. We continue watching her interact with his mom. "Did she say anything to you?"

"No, she was so excited for her birthday yesterday. Do you think yesterday was too many people-"

"She loves new people."

"Ugh, I know! I tried to ask her this morning but she avoided the question. I don't know." I turn back to the coffee, watching the drip slow down. "Thanks for setting up this morning. I wanted to help but-"

"She's my daughter too." Harry says with a hand to my back. We stand silently like that, watching the coffee taper off before he speaks again. "I was up early anyway, I was excited to surprise her... I just wish we knew what was wrong."

"Are we getting breakfast anytime soon?" Gemma shouts out.

"Everybody but you," Harry calls out as he grabs the pot of coffee and heads out. I carry the plates and we settle around Charlie who perks up at the pancakes. But she's not as loud as she would be.

I try to ask her while everyone cleans up after breakfast but she stays mute on the topic. She get excitable with the presents again-presents I could only wish for as a child. She was spoiled, but loved. Everyone dotes on her, and I'm secretly glad Miranda wasn't in town. I knew Harry would've invited her otherwise. Although one of the gifts is from her, so in some way she was here whether I liked it or not.

Three: a tantrum thrown after lunch.

"I don't want it," Charlie pushes her food away. "I'm not hungry!"

I flush with embarrassment as Harry's family watches on. I was a mother who couldn't control her kid and they could all tell--they probably thought I was an awful mom.

"Charlie please," I beg. "We're going to the park after this, we can try your new scooter there. It'll be fun. You just have-"

"No!" She shouts.

"Charlotte," Harry tries his hand but she turns her back to him and crosses her small arms, shouting even louder.

"I'm sorry," I say to the table but they jump in, reassuring me it was fine which makes me feel worse. "I'm taking Charlotte to her room since she’s not being very nice, you guys enjoy the lunch without us."

I feel tears prick at my eyes. The hard part about being a single mom was always this: never feeling good enough. It was her birthday and I'd somehow screwed up. This was the reason for this whole trip and everything was going wrong.

I take her arm, and some deep breaths, as we head to the room where I sit her down and try to talk. That only leads to her crying like I was trying to rip Oreo right out of her hands. I hear Harry knock at one point but between trying to calm her down and not cry myself, I don't let him in. I finally get her to nap, so I close the blinds and turn the lights off. When I crack open the door, I’m surprised to find Harry sitting in front of the door. He quickly stands as I open it.

"I'm sorry," he whispers when he enters the dark room where our daughter naps.

"Why are you sorry," I sigh and lean against the wall, barely holding on. "I'm the one that screwed up somehow."

"No you didn't," he says immediately. "You're an amazing mum, Y/N. I'm the screwup, I didn't even know how to step in. I'm always the fun dad when she stays with me; I've never had to deal with this. You do it alone all the time. I'm sorry for...” Harry pauses, searching for the words. “for not being there."

All the frustration I feel swarms together, and I just cry, I don't even care at that point. Harry was right, I'd been doing this alone. And I was tired.

Immediately, Harry cups my neck and pulls me into his chest. I slip my arms around him like I’d done so often, many years before.

"She'll be alright, love." His words are something I know. But it was soothing to hear him say it. "M’sorry," he rubs my back in slow motions. "Just a bad day," he whispers again, kissing the top of my head. I don't know what was happening in the moment but I'm just too tired to put any energy into figuring it out. I listen to his reassuring whispers in the darkened room and believe him. I feel his lips brush hair, my temple, my cheek. I didn't realise until then how little I allowed this into my life. I was always trying to be the strong shield for Charlie. I missed being held.

Four: We move around each other, hands on hips, fingers threading through hair, lips on skin, cheek dragging against cheek; a wordless dance, him soothing, and me being soothed. We stop with our heads bowed, our foreheads touching; his hands cup my face, and our lips are a feather's touch away.

"I don't know how you do it Y/N," his thumbs stroke my cheeks. "You're phenomenal. And so beautiful. I let myself forget just how beautiful you are. But looking at you just breaks my heart sometimes."

The only sound in the room is our breathing, I can barely see his face in the almost darkness. His soft hands cup my face, his warm breath on my cheek. He was the only thing holding me up right now.

"Harry," I whisper the name that haunts me. His thumb brushes my lips. I sigh into his touch, leaning forward. He presses his lips to mine, softly and I time travel to a sweeter time.

When we pull away, I look into his eyes in the dim light but he keeps his eyes closed, saying my name in a hoarse whisper as he pulls me in again. I stop him though, I want him to look at me, see his eyes. Make sure he was okay with what we were doing right now, and he wasn’t just trying to relive the past.

"Y/N? Charlie alright?" A voice whispers from the sliver of open doorway. Harry and I jump away before we can go any further, and I wipe my cheeks quickly.

"Hi," I open the door wider, illuminating Harry. Gemma eyes him and then me. "We'll let her nap. Sorry about the fuss."

"Don't be. Will she be alright? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, we’ll be alright." I say. I lead everyone away without looking back. Lunch had already been wrapped up; I wasn’t as hungry anyway.

"Believe it or not Charlie is just like Harry was as a kid," Harry's mom joins the conversation as we settle with tea. "Big energy, big emotions. She'll be okay after her nap, you see."

"I hope so," I say. She pats my arm.

"I was probably worse," Harry tries to lighten the mood.

"Mmm yeah I think you were," Gemma scrunches her nose. They go off on one another, and I avoid Harry's eyes. Because in addition to the guilt I feel with Charlie, the guilt from what just happened is exponential. It eats away at me as I clean up, and any time Harry asks me a question and I have to pretend like nothing happened.

Harry’s family had only planned to stay the afternoon but seeing that we weren’t going to go out and we had our hands full, they get ready to head out. I wake Charlie so she could at least say goodbye.

"Are you going to behave?" I ask her once she's up. She gives a small nod. Her apology droops in her frown, and chubby cheeks. I hold her tight and accept it. When she returns, everyone is just as sweet and Harry’s mom was right. A nap settles her mood, and she kisses everyone goodbye. I notice she’s still cold to Harry and I still didn’t know why.

“And then there were three,” I say into the silence.

“Cake?” Harry asks me, I can barely meet his eyes as I nod.

We eat cake, and let Charlie be the centre of attention. Slowly she lightens up enough to head out as the sun dips lower in the sky. Harry carries the wine Miranda brought yesterday and a blanket, I hold the glasses and Charlie’s new sparkly ball while she tries out her scooter ahead. It all feels very normal. It’s almost funny.

We set up the blanket and pour the wine and watch Charlie make friends with a couple kids playing tag. I never wanted to hear her laughter as much as I did then, and hearing it as she ran around fills my heart.

“She’s got your laugh,” I turn to Harry. “Turns heads when she smiles.”

“You think?” Harry looks back out at our daughter, smiling at the idea. I hum in agreement and his smile splits into a grin. “And you think my smile turns heads?”

“Turned my head when we first met,” I shrug casually.

“Did it? This is the first of I’m hearing of it.” I can sense his giddiness.

“And this is the last you’ll be hearing of it.” I lean back, sipping my wine but I almost spill it as he lays his head down on my lap and looks up at me with his best puppy face.

“Please? I want to hear it.”

I look down at him, and remember how he used to love laying his head on my lap when we dated--he did it so often and I almost forgot that about him. I remember no matter where we were, he would just plonk his head down and continue on like it was normal, even when we were out with friends. I wondered if he did that with Miranda

A flick on my nose brings me back to the present and I roll my eyes. “It was at that party for something or some magazine, I don’t remember. I was touching up my lipstick or something in one of the mirrors and you were somewhere in the back. And you laughed at something your friend must have said and it caught my eye, I couldn’t look away. Especially since you were wearing this outfit that was so loud. So I turned around to really look at you-”

“Yeah I remember that night, and I saw this really attractive girl just watching me across the room. It was a bit creepy if I’m-ouch!”

“You’re not hearing anymore!” I throw back the rest of my drink and push his head off.

“I’m kidding! I’m just kidding, come on finish the story.” Harry sits up beside me, his body facing the opposite direction from mine so he can look directly at my face. He looked glorious in the golden sunlight--but I digress.

“You know the rest, you looked at me and I don’t know. I just knew I had to go over and talk to you. And you actually met me halfway, we really couldn’t keep our eyes off each other...and you asked if you could get me a drink-”

“Always a gentleman,” Harry interrupts and I roll my eyes again which Harry finds funny.

“The rest is history,” I motion to Charlie who was playing with the ball we brought. A bitter taste fills my mouth as the rest of the story replays in my head: moving to London, being head over heels, making it official. And then Hurricane Harry that followed when I found out I was pregnant.

“I guess I wasn’t always a gentleman,” Harry says seriously, as if he can read my mind. When I look at him, I can tell he does know what I was thinking--it must’ve shown on my face. We stare at each other, lost in time, until he reaches up to move a strand of my hair behind my ear. His eyes drop to my lips. I couldn’t do that, I look away and out to Charlie. She stands with her friends but she’s looking over at us. I wave and she slowly waves back, catching Harry’s attention. He turns around to face her and we sit in silence, watching Charlie until the sun sets and we head back.

My phone vibrates with a message as enter into the lobby. Marc. He was outside our door with Charlie’s present--we’d texted a few times since we bumped into each other. He understood we were keeping her birthday small with family but he insisted he get a present for her--and that I tell him exactly what she would love. I’d kept it a surprise for Charlie, knowing how much she adored him.

“Uncle Marc!” Charlie’s shrill voice echoes as she spots Marc with his wrapped box standing in front of our door. She drops her scooter and runs to embrace him. He scoops her up as if she weighed nothing.

“Hey,” I smile at Marc and he winks at me over her head. I notice Harry stiffening beside me, I guess it was just as much of a surprise to him as it was to Charlie.

“Harry, nice to see you again.” Marc greets Harry as Charlie slides to the floor with her new gift.

“Marc, didn’t realise you would be coming over.” Harry glances at me. “Did you want to come in for a drink?”

“No, I don’t want to interrupt family time.” Marc flashes his pearly whites. “Just wanted to make sure the birthday girl got her present in time.”

“How? How did you know it was my birthday?” Charlie looks up at him with wide shining eyes.

“A little birdy told me,” Marc taps his nose and looks up at me. I reach over to hug him, and whisper a thanks.

Harry unlocks the door but he doesn’t go inside. He watches as Charlie opens her gift, and I have to cover my ears from the high pitch squeal that comes out of her. I hadn’t seen her this lively since yesterday and suddenly I’m grateful for Marc.

“Thank you thank you! YourethebestuncleMarc!” Charlie hugs his leg and rushes inside to play with her new toy, past Harry who has now tilted the door open with one foot in.

“I think that’s the most excited I’ve seen her today,” Harry comments. “Thank you.”

“It’s nothing, she’s a good kid.” Marc looks over at me, raising his eyebrow. He wanted to talk in private. I look up at Harry who finally gets the clue.

“I’ll uh-be inside.”

“How’ve you been?” Marc ignores him and grabs my hand to pull me closer to him. Marc never forgave Harry for how he treated me; he seemed to be the only person in my life who didn’t tell me to forgive him. He was a true friend to me all these years.

“Exhausted, Charlie was in such a mood this morning.” I shamelessly drink his face in. It had been a while.

“Sorry I couldn’t drop it off earlier, the weekend before we publish is always a nightmare. I’ve had, minimum, 5 coffees today.”

“Sounds like you could use some relaxation,” I say suggestively, leaning my arms on his shoulders and locking my hands behind him.

“I could,” he licks his lips. “You know someone who can help?”

“I do, she’d have to check her schedule though.” I smile. His eyes scan my face, smiling back. As he leans forward, before he could kiss me, I break away and walk around him to the door, the smile never leaving my face.

“I should go back in, Marc. Text me when you’re free this week so we can get together.”

“Have you always got to be such a bloody tease?” Marc exclaims and I can’t help but laugh. It was fun being with Marc, he made me feel like the Y/N before I became “mom”. I could vent and complain and flirt and tease him like I was still a 20-year-old with no responsibilities. He made me forget for a bit.

I leave a kiss on his cheek and head inside. Charlie is playing with her new toys and Harry is cleaning up some of the mess from earlier.

“Thanks,” I tell him, helping with some of the wrapping paper.

“I didn’t know you and Marc still talk.” Harry says immediately.

“Yeah,” I say. The waves of jealousy rolling off of him are so strong they’re almost visible. Which was weird considering he had a girlfriend who showed up constantly. “He crashed at my place last year-”

“Yeah yeah, I remember Charlie talking about him a lot back when he took her to Disneyland,” Harry cuts me off. “I didn’t realise you two were...”

Harry doesn’t finish the sentence and it irritates me. What did he care? I don’t respond and head back out to where Charlie’s playing instead. She barely looks up as I do, too involved with her toys.

When Harry joins us eventually, he tries to sit by Charlie, picking up one of her stuffed animals. “Did you have a fun day?” He asks.

"Yes. Thank you," she looks up at him, staring for a bit, her gaze goes down to the toy he's holding. "But I don't want to play with you."

"Charlie," I scold. "Why-"

"It's okay," Harry puts the toy down casually but I see the hurt he feels. "She wants her space, that’s okay."

"No, now way. I'm tired of this." I put my foot down. "Charlotte, look at me." She turns slowly, knowing my tone of voice meant she was in trouble. "What's going on with you? Why are you being so mean to your dad?"

She stares at Harry, drops her toys and stands up. I warn her not to go anywhere so she stands with her bottom lip quivering. "I saw you!" She finally shouts at him. "Y-you-you don’t love us!"

Harry and I glance at each other, confused. "Of course, Charlotte I-"

"No!” She’s now officially crying and shouting. Her emotions all over the place. All I can do is stare as I figure out what was happening. “You don’t! Stop lying!” Charlie’s words hardly come out through her tears. Harry tries to comfort her, telling her he did but she pushes him with all the strength in her little body and tries to leave but I catch her in my arms.

“Charlotte, honey, what are you talking about?”

She looks crushed as she heaves, turning to look at Harry before crying out, “He had a-a-sleepover! With Miranda! I saw! He’s lying mom!”

“I...” I look up at Harry who actually looks panicked, oh hell no. I let Charlie go and she grabs her stuffed animal to go with her.

"What did she see?" I ask once Charlie’s out of sight, my voice shaking. "What is she talking about Harry? What did she see? Did Miranda spend the night?"

"Yeah?" Harry looks like someone pulled the rug from under him and he was trying to find his footing. "I to-I told you! She had an early flight today, she slept over so I could drive her to the airport."

"You told me about her flight not that she was-"

"Y/N, she brought her suitcase! You saw her come in! I-I told you! I swear!"

"You. Didn't." Things start to make sense and I'm furious. Especially because Harry was now shouting at me too. "You didn't. Because if you had, I would have warned you to keep your door locked! You know well Charlie loves to wake you up at any hour Harry. You know she does! And we both agreed we didn't want her to see certain things. And now she has! All day she’s been-because of this!"

I see clearly now how Charlie was up so early, our bedroom door open. She woke me up asking if he loved her.

As hard as I tried to explain to her our first day here, she thought her mom and dad living under the same place meant they were together. And Harry broke her heart by showing her how not together we were.

"Y/N," Harry tries damage control. "I would never do something like this on purpose. I was careful when Miranda was around to stay appropriate. I didn't mean for her to see that!"

"Well she saw it!" I shout. I wasn't interested in what Harry thought or meant. "Charlie saw it, when she was excited to spend her birthday with her family! The point is she saw it and she's been off all day because of that! Jesus, and here I thought it was something I did-"

"I'm sorry-"

"I'm the wrong person to say that to!" I explode. "Do you know what she saw exactly? She was up at 6--Harry...something really upset her."

"I...well we got up then. She must've just heard our voices and come up and..."

I dread Harry's answer as he trails off, "What?!"

"I...Miranda's leaving for the week so...we were just--it was nothing beyond kissing her, I-"

"Shit," I sit down and rub my face. Charlie rarely got this upset and now it made sense. "I can't believe this."

"She's my girlfriend Y/N, how-"

"Didn't really seem like you cared you had a girlfriend this afternoon," I shoot back. My side was always Charlie's, and I could set this place on fire right now with my how angry I was.

"Y/N, you and me, we have history. It’s complicated--we have a daughter I...I never stopped having feelings for you. You know that..."

"No, stop right there Harry. I don't know that, and why should I? It didn't really seem like you had feelings for me when I told you I was pregnant. When I left, and you looked relieved to be rid of me-"

"How about when I flew to LA a few months after Charlie was born? Made sure my mum came with so you knew Charlie had a whole family here? When I held her Y/N, I knew I made the wrong choice letting you two go but I wasn't going to yank you around like that. I didn't want to confuse things. I let you go and I've regretted it for a long time."

"Bullshit! You never said anything to me--and I mean anything. Until now."

I stand up, look him square in the eye. He kissed his girlfriend this morning, dropped her off to the airport, and then kissed me in the afternoon. The magazines were right about the kind of guy he way, and I was a fool to find comfort in him. I was weak, and I’d let him take advantage of that. He couldn't even tell me all those years ago that he wanted me back! If he had, I would've said yes in an instant. I know that. He knows that; I was head over heels for him. But i know, and he knows the truth. He still never ready for that commitment. So he never said anything.

"Harry,” I say, still angry, but now a calm kind of angry. “Of course you love your daughter. And maybe you loved me once upon a time. But you never said anything back then because you didn't want commitment. You were afraid of it! Even now, you commit to one girl, and kiss another. It’s so...classic Harry Styles."

"That's bullshit Y/N, I'm telling you the truth here. Stop bloody psychoanalyzing me and just listen. Listen, I'm telling you how I feel Y/N. I’ve changed. I’ve done a lot of growing up" He runs his hands through his hair, "Y/N I-I’m sorry...I just...I don't know what to do here."

"Well what's new Harry?" I snap. "You didn't know what to do when I told you I was pregnant, and you don't know what to do now. The only thing you know how to do, it seems, is break our hearts."

"Y/N! Y/N that's not fair..." I try to walk away but he steps in front of me, pulling my hands to his chest. "Y/N listen to what I'm saying-"

"Don't," I push him off and leave to find Charlie instead. She's sat in bed mumbling to Oreo. When she sees me she apologises, but I wasn't upset with her. Somehow it breaks my heart further to put my issues aside and slip into mom mode, so Harry doesn’t become the Bad Guy. I explain to her how much Harry loved her, how we were her parents and loved her a lot, but we were separated. I made sure she knew that although Harry loved Miranda, he would always love his baby girl infinitely.

"But I want him to love you too," she says to me after listening quietly.These were the times when Charlie’s naive perspective broke me a little, knowing how young she was and how time changed us all.

"He does love me," I smile through the heartache. "We had you, right? You're proof of how much we loved each other. Of course he does hon. It's just...a different love now."

"Okay,” Charlie pauses to think. “I love you the most," she climbs atop me and squeezes me. It was the only truthful thing I knew.

"And I love you the most," I squeeze her back. It was the only other truth I knew.

Five: I let myself down, getting swept up in a man who couldn’t commit to me again. And the same man let our daughter down even if he wasn't trying. He’d done it before and so he did it again. And I should’ve seen it coming. So ultimately, it feels like I was the only one to blame.

“Hey hon,” I turn to Charlie after a while, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Remember how we were supposed to live separately when we got here but there was the big mistake? We did that so your dad and I...so this wouldn’t happen...”

I quietly explain to Charlie, and ask her if maybe we could move out. She could still stay with her dad when she wanted. She could go wherever she wanted.

“Do we get to ride the train?” She asks at last.

“Yes, if you want.”

“Mmmm,” she puts her serious thinking face on and I give her her time. Finally, she shrugs. “Do we have to fly the airplane back home?”

“No, we’ll still be in London. Close by.”

“Okay.” She says simply before turning back to Oreo and her other stuffed animals. I let out a sigh of relief. Y/N from two months ago, who planned this trip, was a lot smarter than I am now. I had to channel her and look for a place first thing tomorrow.

#harry styles #harry styles x reader #harry styles fic #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfic #writingsfromhome #harry styles angst #dad!harry #can you believe this is just one day #finally getting the ball rolling #i'm just stuck on how to wrap this series up #like #the How #fic #and now i think there should be 2 more parts #unless i find a way to wrap it up on the 5th #yikes #brain dump

[vintagedolan]

mixtape - track eleven

| masterlist | faceclaims | playlist |

I was hiding from myself too. I was hiding from the part of my brain that was like ‘what are you gonna do now?’. Like, there’s a part of your brain that does thrive off of feeling like shit.

The voice shifted, just for a moment. 

Yea-

It was a tiny sound in the back, from behind the camera. It didn’t even form a full word before Ethan continued talking, but Indy flinched anyway. It was always worse when she was unprepared for it. 

In her distraction, she’d streaked her concealer too far past her eye and sighed, using her finger to pat it in, ignoring the way it splotched. It probably wasn’t the right shade, and it was definitely expired, but it was enough for her to look like maybe she had slept in the last two weeks. 

She hadn’t. Not really. Every time she closed her eyes, even to blink, he was there. Sometimes, she welcomed it. But in that moment, standing in her mirror in her scrubs, she didn’t want to see his face. She didn’t want to hear his voice. Because she had to keep it together for 16 hours. 12 hours at the hospital on the peds floor, and another 4 at her shift at Jet’s afterward. So she kept her eyes open, took a deep breath, and walked out of her bathroom.

On the other side of the country, Grayson’s eyes were closed.

He wasn’t sleeping. It was 4 in the afternoon, which was the earliest time he could consider himself done with work for the day and escape to his bedroom, closing the door behind him. It only got down to the high forties in LA, even in January, but he climbed under his comforter anyways, pulled his baby blanket up by his face. 

Time seemed to crawl by while he lay there alone. He rolled to his side, pulling his pillow down to wrap his arms around it, and when he opened his eyes, he wished he hadn’t. On his nightstand, turned towards him, was the frame that Indy had gotten him for Christmas. He wished she hadn’t curled up so much when he’d taken it. He wished he could see her face more in the glossy material, wished she had given him a picture of just her instead. When he squeezed his eyes shut again he could see her face better, every feature committed to memory. So he looked. He focused on the different shades of blue in her eyes and pretended like she was in class, and that he was on her couch waiting for her to come home. 

A knock sounded on his door, and his heart tightened. 

Ethan stepped in the room with a bag of Monty’s and a hopeful smile. 

Grayson didn’t move.

“I brought you dinner.”

Nothing.

Ethan sighed, dropping the act. He was giving up on it earlier and earlier these days.

“Bro, you’ve gotta eat. You didn’t eat lunch.”

“Not hungry.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’m not.”

“Well, tough shit then, cause I’m not leaving you alone until you eat at least some of this.” 

Grayson knew his brother, better than he knew himself sometimes, and he could tell by his tone that he was serious. He didn’t have the energy for a fight, and despite himself, his stomach growled at the smell of the fries in the bag, salty and warm. So he sat up begrudgingly and let Ethan pass him the bag, pretending not to see how his shoulders slumped in relief. 

He didn’t have to ask why Ethan stayed. It was to make sure he didn’t sit the bag down as soon as he closed the door behind him. So he waited, and he watched his brother eat his burger slower than usual, fighting to chew it and force it down.

“Where’s yours?” He asked eventually - he knew better than to think that Ethan hadn’t gotten himself a burger. 

“I uh… I ate with Eden.”

Grayson stopped chewing. His question was blatant in his eyes, and he waited for the answer.

“No, I didn’t fucking tell her,” Ethan grumbled, running his hand over his face. “But I don’t know how much longer I can do this, I feel like I’m fucking lying to her.”

“Did she ask about… her?” He caught himself. He hadn’t said her name since they left New York. 

“Not yet. She knows something is up with you though, and if she starts asking questions I’m telling her.”

“No.” It wasn’t a plea. It was a demand. 

“Grayson. She’s gonna find out eventually, I gotta tell her.”

“No. Twin code.”

“Don’t pull that shit man, c’mon, we aren’t six anymore. That’s my wife, and she’s gonna be pissed as fuck at me. If you don’t tell her, I’m gonna have to.”

Grayson stayed quiet and put the rest of his burger back in the bag, his small appetite fading to nausea at the thought of having to admit to anyone else what he had done. He hadn’t had to explain it yet - Ethan knew enough to put the pieces together, and he had enough heart to stay quiet on the plane, just passing over his napkin from his drink as an extra tissue while Grayson looked out the window and cried quietly. But he wasn’t going to tell Eden - he wasn’t ready for that.

Ethan sighed. “I’m just saying Gray, she’s gonna start asking me questions, and I’m not gonna lie to her, that’s not me. That’s not either of us.” He paused, hoping for a response he knew he wasn’t going to get. “Whatever. We have a meeting at 10 tomorrow.”

Ethan left the room in silence, and Grayson closed his eyes.

Indy’s struggled to keep hers open. It was almost 4 am the worst hours of her shift. She poured another cup of coffee from the nurses’ lounge, ignoring the fact that it was burnt as she sipped it down and willed herself to wake up. Part of her wished it was iced - warm drinks made her sleepy, and worse, reminded her of cold New Jersey mornings that she couldn’t afford to think of. Just the idea of reminiscing made her chest tighten enough for her to suck in a breath and start to search for a distraction. She read the schedule instead, checking to see what tech would replace her come 7 am. She still had two vital checks to do on each patient, opting to do them on the even hours. Her head tipped back as she drained the rest of her cup and tossed it in the trash, needing to keep her mind busy.

It wasn’t her job - only nurses could distribute meds, but she could prep the trays for the kids to make their lives easier. So she moved to the med cart and started to look through. 

“Adams, Adrian, Bellon, Campbell, Cortez, Jenkins, Kimp, Lopez, Mullins, Norton.” Her fingers stopped for a moment as she traced down the last names on the cart, mumbling them out. No Newcomb. She double-checked. Nothing.

Bekah didn’t have a tray. 

Indy’s heart sped up a bit, and she waited until she saw Ayria, one of the night shift nurses, coming out of a room.

“Hey, do you need me to get Newcomb a tray? Hers isn’t on here.” It felt weird to refer to Bekah by her last name, but she didn’t want to seem unprofessional.

Ayria frowned, coming to log into the computer on the med cart and check the charts. 

“Oh yeah, everything she’s getting is IV right now, no pills.”

Indy took a breath and steadied herself, glad to see that the clock had turned and she was able to make her rounds. She’d become an expert at taking vitals without waking the kids up - even some of the more seasoned nurses were impressed.

But she could never get past Beks.

The first day, during Indy’s orientation, Bekah could tell something was wrong. It was only three days after Grayson had left after all. Indiana knew that the floor needed a tech, and she knew they’d take her as soon as she asked. She also knew that if she let herself stay at home that she’d never leave it again. So she went and bought the cheapest scrubs she could find and mustered up enough energy to show up. 

She didn’t really need Ayria to show her around that day. She knew the unit inside and out from her time as a volunteer; she just needed the codes for the supply rooms and a list of her tasks for her 12-hour shift. But she was glad that they were together when they went into Bekah’s room because Bekah was kind enough not to say anything with someone else there. Now, she didn’t hold back.

“You look like shit,” she said as soon as Indy walked in.

“It’s 4 am, you should be asleep,” Indy countered with a smirk. The incident on Christmas was forgiven without a second thought, and she was relieved to be back to their normal banter as she put her blood pressure cuff on. 

“You should be asleep. This is your last shift of the week though.”

“Says who?”

“You’ve been here three days already, that’s the max you can work without overtime.” 

Indy kept quiet and wrote down her blood pressure in the chart. 

“Are you okay?” Bekah asked quietly, and Indy sucked in a deep breath, trying to stop the tears flooding her eyes.

“I’m fine Beks. Promise.”

Bekah contemplated if she should say it.

“Is it Grayson?”

Indy’s breath caught in her throat. Her hands shook as she held up the thermometer, and she had to blink hard to be able to read the numbers and scribble them down. 

Bekah took her silence as an answer. 

“Sorry. I know it must be hard, having him so far away,” she murmured. Indy couldn’t find her voice to tell her that it was okay. She fiddled with her blankets, tucking her in nicely and dimming her lights down to give her time to clear the knot in her throat.

“Get some sleep Beks.”

She held it together until she got outside her room, and then the tears escaped. As quickly as she could, she ducked her head and beelined for the nurses’ desk, using her oldest trick of drinking water to keep herself from fully breaking down. 

Valentina sat at her desk and watched with a frown, but she didn’t say anything. 

Indy gave herself one minute, and then she took a deep breath and got back to work. 

Time crawled, and she cursed herself for not leaving enough things to keep her busy for the rest of her shift. By 6 am, she’d resorted to cleaning the tables in the break room and reorganizing supplies in the supply closet to keep herself occupied. She knew the day shift nurses would appreciate the extra effort - they always sung her praises, thrilled to work a shift after her considering how well she set it up for them. 

Valentina came into the supply closet at 6:30.

“You might just work our daytime tech out of a job,” she said, making Indy jump and drop the bandages she was restocking.

“You scared me,” she said, catching her breath. “Just restocking.”

“You work too hard,” Valentina shook her head, crossing her arms. “You’re gonna burn yourself out sweetheart, and we need you around here.”

“I’ll be alright.”

“You act like I don’t know you’re going to your other job right after this.”

“They give me good coffee there, what can I say,” Indy teased, but when she looked Valentina’s eyes were sad. “I like to keep busy.” 

“Too busy,” she tsked. “You leave at 6:50 today.”

“Valentina-”

“Keep talking and I’ll make it 6:40,” she threatened. “And you get some sleep later, you hear me?”

“Yes ma’am,” Indy conceded, knowing it wasn’t an argument she could win. Nurses weren’t the type to lose an argument, and she’d never met a more nurse-y nurse than Valentina. She finished stocking quickly, gathering her bags and double-checking she’d finished everything before she headed out, waving goodbye to the nurses she saw. 

She was distracted on her way out, and she didn’t think when she hit the button to get into the next hallway. 

For two weeks, she prepped. Mentally paused and thought of all the things that could hit her out of the blue, make her come unraveled. She was ready, for the couples in the street holding hands, for the husbands coming to walk their wives home from work, the high schoolers on hot chocolate dates in the big city. But it was always the small things that got her. 

She hadn’t prepared herself, and her eyes automatically went to the walls when she cleared the doors. The ocean mural. The jellyfish, the sea turtle on the wall that Grayson had said looked like Ethan once. It hit her like a ton of bricks, her chest so tight that she reached up to press on it as she heard his voice in her head. It made her feel pathetic, the way she had to stop and grab onto the rail in the hall and steady herself for a moment. She counted her breaths, trying her hardest to shut her mind off, staring at the blue of the walls as she willed herself to be okay, just for another day.

Grayson was staring at the water. Or at least, he was trying to. The moon wasn’t very bright, but it reflected enough off the ocean for him to get a sense of which way the sun would come up. The whole surface was washed black by the night sky, and it was peaceful. He wanted to swim in it. He wanted to sink beneath it and find that blissful quiet you could only find underwater. 

He’d fallen asleep soon after Ethan had left him alone, which meant he found himself wide awake at 4 am, body tired of being asleep. Sitting in bed would only make things worse, so he sent Ethan a quick text and headed off in the Porsche towards the secret beach. There was no one else there so early in the morning, and he was grateful. It gave him the peace of mind to curl in on himself, let the tears flow freely as the waves lapped at the shore, returning over and over. 

Time ran away from him in the dark. His tears ceased eventually, dried themselves out as he sat in his misery. He didn’t fight it. Instead, he let it wash over him, sink into every pore and weigh him down, wishing he could somehow disappear into the sand as the sun started to rise and wash the world in light orange. His phone buzzed, no doubt a text from his brother. He elected to ignore it, keeping his eyes on the water, counting the waves as they came in. It was admirable, the dedication they showed; returning every time they got sucked back out. 

At some point, he felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up, and he sighed, pulling his hood up over his head in a feeble attempt to hide himself from whoever was watching him. He stood up and brushed the sand off himself, ducking his head down and jogging straight back to his car, hoping whoever it was wasn’t trying to come up to him. 

As soon as he ducked into his car and pulled the door shut, he sunk down, resting his forehead against his steering wheel. 

“Fuck!” He yelled, smacking his dashboard. His radio turned on with a jolt, connected to his phone and automatically starting his playlist. Cudi blared through the speakers and he groaned, hitting all the wrong buttons in an attempt to get it to turn off.

“Stop, fucking stop!” In a last attempt he chucked his phone across the car, watched it ricochet off the dash and down into the floorboard. He threw his car into reverse with blurry eyes, desperate to get away from anyone who might have a camera. He was paranoid the whole drive home that someone was watching, eyes darting to the windows of any car he ended up next to at a stoplight. It wasn’t until he got the gate closed behind him and he was in the house that he felt like he could breathe again. With Ethan still asleep down the hall, he choked back his sobs as he sat down at the counter, face in his hands. 

Indy was taking deep breaths behind the counter as the line started to pile up at Jet’s. She looked to her right, frowning at the stress on her new coworker, Mariposa’s, face as the cups continued to line up next to her. 

“Hey Posie,” she called over between customers. “Do you wanna switch?”

“God yes,” she exclaimed, rushing to take Indy’s place at the register so she could move over to the bar. 

Indiana preferred it that way. She didn’t have to smile for a latte, she just had to pour it and try not to burn her fingers and move on to the next. It had come back like second nature to her, and she liked the fast pace. It gave less time for her to think, and she welcomed the numbing repetition. She kept an ear piqued towards the register, listening to the orders coming in so she could get ahead. The next one came from a taller man, his face hidden behind a coat.

“Just give me the biggest cup of the strongest stuff you’ve got.”

Indy dropped her cup, a half poured latte splattering all over her hands first, down her apron, then the bottom of her jeans and onto her shoes. It only took one look over at the man to realize it wasn’t Grayson, and she deflated. 

“Shit,” she hissed, flicking her hands in an attempt to chill the burn that was already searing on her skin. She side-stepped to the sink, flipping the cold water on and letting it flow over her hands. It stung even more, and she sighed at the bright red of her skin. She’d had enough burns from her time as a barista to know that it would blister. 

“Indiana, you okay?” Patrick called from the ovens, moving a line of pastries in and out.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.”

He frowned, but kept quiet, letting her get back into the groove of making drinks. Indy could feel him watching her, the familiar weight of a protective eye over her shoulder. At least he was kind enough to wait until her shift was over before he tried to talk to her again.

“Hey, how’s your hand?” 

Indy looked down and sighed at the sight of her red skin, resisting the urge to rub it. Instead, she moved to the first aid kit and grabbed a wrap bandage. 

“It’s been better, but I’ll survive.”

“Why don’t you take the day off tomorrow,” Patrick suggested as casually as he could. “You know, to rest your hand.”

Indy scoffed.

“It’s not gonna fall off Patrick, I’m fine.”

He sighed. “Fine, if you’re gonna make me say it then I will. You’re a hard worker, one of the best we have, but you’re exhausted. We can all see it, and you don’t need to burn yourself out like this for a minimum wage job. So, you’re off tomorrow. No exceptions.”

“But-”

“No. Exceptions.” 

Her anger bubbled up in her like the blister forming on her thumb, but she knew it wasn’t Patrick’s fault. He was right - she was just upset at the idea of having an entire day with nothing to distract her. An empty apartment had never seemed so daunting, and it was all she could think about as she clocked out, got her things together, and walked home.

It was quieter than she’d imagined when she got through the door, the click of the latch echoing through the still space. She thought of turning on music, but that only made her think of Grayson, singing off-key next to her in the truck. She could put on a movie, but it would make her think of cuddling with him on the couch. Her bed was where he had been so many nights. He’d cooked in her kitchen, he’d helped her move furniture in the guest room. 

She couldn’t escape him, no matter where she went. And so, as pathetic as she felt doing it, she sunk down right there on the floor, and she let the misery have her. It came in broken sobs that caught on her throat on the way out, too loud even for her own ears as she tried to imagine a day where she didn’t feel like the world was crumbling around her. 

She wasn’t sure how long she sat there. But eventually, the things no one ever talked about started to happen. Her butt went numb, and her head started to hurt, and her lips got dry from the saltwater that ran over them. None of that mattered though. What finally got her up from the cold floor was the fact that she was sticky - remnants of the vanilla syrup in the latte that she’d dropped finally congealing and making her feel more disgusting than the tears. She peeled herself up off the floor and headed to her bathroom.

Grayson was in the shower, with his head down, water splashing over his back and bouncing off his shoulders - a statue in the rain. It was the best place to avoid getting on his phone, considering he couldn’t, and that was the only way he could trust himself to not get on twitter and see the aftermath of the morning.

He wondered for a moment what he looked like from outside the glass shower door, standing there with his razor up by his chest. The blades clogged with the long hairs he shaved from his chest, leaving him bare and smoother than he’d been in months. He sat the razor down and moved to pick up a clear bottle from the shelf. Polis was scribbled on it in sharpie in Ethan’s handwriting, remnants of a Wakeheart meeting. Grayson could remember how excited he was to pitch the idea, even if it was over zoom. 

“I finally came up with the third body wash scent. Vanilla, with a hint of coffee and then a little bit of sandalwood to keep it professional and put together.” 

He’d had to whisper it - Indy was asleep in her room, the product of a good post study-session back rub that had lulled her into a much-needed nap. The team loved it, thought it complimented the other two scents they’d been testing well. Ethan was hesitant, but he kept his mouth shut and brainstormed a backup if needed.

Grayson was thankful for the gesture, even when he’d told him that he’d started planning it as early as he had. But he wasn’t willing to give it up, and he made it very clear in their first meeting back that Polis was a permanent scent. It felt like a tiny piece of her that he could hold onto. Still, as he stood there and held the bottle up to his nose, it wasn’t the same. As pitiful as it made him feel, he tried closing his eyes, tried to imagine she was there with him, standing in front of him, giggling like she always did when they showered together. 

He couldn’t do it justice. Couldn’t feel the warmth of her skin against his, couldn’t smell her shampoo or watch her try to bend over and shave her legs in her small apartment shower without bumping into him. He’d held her hips to help her keep her balance, listened to her laugh and talk about casual intimacy, heard the way it echoed off the tiles and became his favorite sound in the entire world. 

His tears mixed with the water, his pain palpable as he started to quiver just barely, the memory enough to break down the paper thin wall he’d managed to drag back up to protect himself. When his knees shook he gave up and sunk to the ground, green tiles of the bench seat icy against his back as he buried his face in his hands. He’d never felt weaker in his life, and he wished he was ten again, so his dad could wrap his strong arm around his shoulder and tell him that everything would be alright. 

He went for the next best thing once he managed to get enough energy to get up and turn the water off. A few swipes of his towel over his body and hair, then he pulled his boxers on and put on his robe, walking straight out of his room and down the hall.

Ethan’s door was open, but he wasn’t in his bed like Gray expected. He was at his desk instead, a look of stress on his face that Grayson was all too familiar with. A pang of guilt resonated in him when he realized what his brother was doing - picking up all the slack that he was leaving in his misery. 

He hadn’t said a word about it though, and that made it worse.

It took Ethan a moment to realize his brother was there, but as soon as he did he turned his desk chair, giving him his full attention.

“Hey.”

Grayson didn’t answer.

“You okay?” Ethan tried again. Grayson’s throat burned, and he shook his head, sitting on the end of the bed. He’d never been able to hide from Ethan, and luckily, he never really had to. Because Ethan was the type of brother to act tough when he needed to, but soften up at the smallest things. Which was why Grayson wasn’t surprised to see his brother rise up out of his chair, coming to sit next to him. The bed sunk down a bit with his weight, and Grayson let himself press up against his brother. The air felt heavy while he waited.

“You’re good. Just let it out.” Ethan’s voice was quiet, and he leaned his cheek against his brother’s head and felt him go to pieces. It was the hardest Grayson had cried since the airport, and every sniffle made his head pound but he couldn’t pull himself together. Those were the kind of moments where he wondered how people survived without twin brothers. He felt safe there with Ethan - if everything else fell apart, at least he’d have him. There were a million things he could say, but he already knew what the answers would be. Ethan would tell him that he’d find someone else some day, and that Indy would heal and that he shouldn’t feel guilty for doing what he did. He also knew that Ethan would say all of it even if he didn’t believe it, because their pain was shared.

Grayson cried himself out again after an hour or so, his sinuses pounding behind his eyes as the headache settled in. 

Ethan stayed still - he knew better than to leave him. It wasn’t until Grayson finally wiped at his eyes that his brother relaxed a bit, watched him stand up and run his hands over his face. It felt colder without Ethan right next to him, but he knew he needed to sleep. 

“Try to get some sleep,” Ethan echoed his thoughts. “We need to record the pod tonight if you can.”

“Okay. I can help with the emails, I know we probably have a shit ton.”

Ethan was already shaking his head before he finished.

“Just get some sleep, okay?”

Grayson nodded and gave him the best smile he could manage before he went back into his room, climbing back into the safety of his covers with his phone in his hand, just in case she called.

Indy’s pillow was wet. It was mainly from her hair soaking into the pillowcase - she didn’t have the energy to dry it after her shower. But she’d also made a terrible mistake. One scroll through the app store and a quick log in and she was back onto instagram, ignoring the now thousands of follow requests she had in her notifications. It only took one click to her explore page and her tears were adding to the moisture below her cheek. 

He had on his Cudi hoodie, the yellow one. She wished she’d been there to tell him not to wear it. It was too bright, a target for the cameras that seemed to find him. The first ones she saw stung. They were only of his back, taken from far enough away that she could pretend it was someone else. But she knew the way he sat, with his arms over his knees. 

The next ones hurt, because she could see his face. He was walking, and she knew him well enough to know he’d realized what was happening and tried to leave, just from his posture, the way he slumped while walking. His eyes were red, those dark circles that she’d ran her fingers over so many times worse than she’d ever seen them. Ever since he’d left, she’d wanted to know how he felt. If he missed her at all, if he was as miserable as she seemed to be every minute of every day.

It hurt worse to get her answer than it did to wonder. She’d hoped he was upset, but suddenly all she wanted to do was hold him, tell him it was okay, that she was okay even though she wasn’t. It was impossible not to scroll, looking for anything new, any hints as to what he had been up to since he’d gotten off that plane. 

She had never asked for a front row seat to his life, but she’d take it if it was the only glimpse of him that she could get. It made her feel pathetic, but she didn’t care enough to fight it.

Eventually, she found herself scrolling his page. She couldn’t tell how she got there, but she couldn’t seem to leave it either. So she just scrolled, averting her eyes from any comments, and pretending, just for a moment, that everything was back to the way it was. That he was just busy recording a podcast, or that he’d be sprawled out on her couch when she went out to the living room. 

She held onto it until she walked out of her room, knowing she needed to eat even though she didn’t want to. She kept her eyes off the couch, moving to her cabinets that were barren apart from a few avocados that were rotten. With a sigh she threw them in the trash that was close to overflowing, opting instead for the last box of mac and cheese she had left. 

Indy was thankful for muscle memory, her mind wandering off to better days where her kitchen wasn’t so quiet as she cooked the pasta she really didn’t want and took it back to her room, curling up under her covers as she ate.

Grayson had two empty boxes of vegan mac and cheese in front of him, one of which obviously had an ‘E’ scribbled on it that he’d ignored when he made them. He shoveled the noodles into his mouth, ignoring the way they burnt his tongue just barely. Ethan walked in and saw the boxes, opened his mouth and shut it again. 

“S’pod setup?” Grayson said around a mouthful.

“Yeah, I set up the pod, we’re good whenever you’re ready.”

“Gimminute.”

Ethan just chuckled and shook his head, happy to at least see his brother eating even if he was shoveling it down like he hadn’t seen food before. He waited, seeing that Gray was done within the next two minutes, sitting his bowl in the sink and stretching his arms out. He looked tired, but Ethan hoped the pod camera was far enough away from them to make the dark circles subtle enough. 

“Do you want some of my old concealer stuff? For under your eyes?”

Grayson hesitated for a moment, picking at his nails. “You still have it?” 

“Yeah, hang on.” Ethan ran to his bathroom, snagged the compact from his bottom drawer and brought it to the kitchen. “Come over here, you’re supposed to do it in natural light.”

He held it out for Grayson, who just looked up at him. 

“I don’t know how the fuck to do it, you do it.”

“Do I look like a makeup artist to you?” Ethan asked, and when Grayson stayed quiet, he sighed and flipped the compact open, swiping his finger through the semi-creamy substance and moving to pat it on his brother, frowning when it was more difficult than he thought it would be. “Look up you fuck, I gotta blend it.”

Grayson just rolled his eyes but did as he was told, sitting still until E said he was finished and led the way to the studio. They got settled in their chairs, double checking the camera angles. Ethan cleared his throat, waiting until his brother looked at him. 

“Are we… do you want to mention anything about…”

Grayson waited. He wondered if his brother was really going to be dumb enough to ask.

“Are we talking about the pictures, yes or no.”

“What the fuck do you think the answer to that is,” Gray grumbled.

“I’m just saying, if you mention it you can say what you want about it, get your own voice out there. Whatever you say, I’ll go along with it.”

“Great.”

Grayson took a deep breath, gave Ethan a look that read as an apology, and clicked the button to start recording. He stayed fairly quiet the first few minutes of the recording, waiting to jump into a conversation that didn’t make his throat tight. The podcast was his favorite place, because he could let himself actually speak, say what he wanted to say without worrying. 

It came back to bite him in the ass 45 minutes into the episode, when his guard was down and he had finally lost himself the way he did when he worked. They were talking about birds, and how they had a bad, unjustified rep. 

“I mean, Gizmo can be an asshole sometimes, but she’s only an asshole when people are like, scared of her,” Ethan mused. 

“Right! She gets all shy when I come home after a while, but when Dee came in the house the first time she was freaking out, just from hearing her and I swear, every time after that Giz just like, screamed every single time she was even in the house.”

“Gray-”

“No seriously! You remember how loud she got? Fuck, remember that time she went down to help mom with dessert and Giz was out and she cried?”

“Grayson.”

“What? Did I peak the mic?”

Ethan’s eyes were sad. “You… you said her name.”

“Huh?”

“Indiana. You said Dee, when you were telling that story.”

He swallowed hard. “Oh. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” He could see him spiraling, and he tried to reel him back in. “You’re okay. We can just cut it, and start again with a story about Gizmo.” 

“Yeah uh… just give me a second.”

“Sure. Whatever you need.”

“Just, uh, say what you said again before,” Grayson murmured, shaking his head to try and clear it. But it was too late - he was so consumed by what his mind had brought back to the surface that he could barely hear Ethan repeat his words.

“Yeah-” Grayson came in a moment late. “Giz is a special one.”

Ethan waited for him to continue, but jumped in when he didn’t. “She gets shy when you haven’t been home in a while and you show up. That’s the thing about animals dude, like people think about cats and dogs and they can recognize their emotions, but with stuff like birds and cows and shit, people just don’t think about them that way, and it fucking sucks. They have feelings too! Gizmo’s fucking sassy bro, she will let you know how she’s feeling, especially if she’s pissed. Bro, we should have Giz on the pod, do you think she’d talk? She can whistle, we could show off her tricks.”

“You can’t put a bird on a plane,” Grayson mumbled. His eyes were fixed down on the blue center of the table, and he was fidgeting with his sleeves.

“Yeah, but we can put the mics in our suitcases and just record at home.”

Ethan realized it a moment too late. He wanted to snatch his words out of the air, scratch them from the tape when he saw the way Grayson’s eyes met his, saw the gloss near his waterline. 

“Yeah - uh - um,” Grayson tried to save it, and then he covered his mouth, silencing the squeak that turned into a sob. He pretended it was a cough, bringing his hand up and running his fingers over his forehead, shielding his eyes from the camera.

“I uh, I miss home a lot more this time than I usually do,” he said, his voice froggy with the tightness of his throat. Ethan couldn’t say anything. There was nothing to say as he watched his brother fight and lose in his battle to keep his composure, covering his mouth as he cried, knuckles brushing up against the mic.

“Fuck, sorry, I’m sorry E.”

“It’s okay, hey, it’s okay.” Ethan was up so fast he forgot to take off his headphones. They fell back into the chair when they pulled off his ears as he moved to his brother, pulling him up into a hug. “We can finish it later, we’ll just cut to an ad or something. It’s okay.”

“Sorry.”

“Shh. It’s fine bro, it’s fine. C’mon, let’s go get some air.” 

Air wasn’t what they found.

Instead, they found Eden, standing against the counter with her arms crossed in a way that had Ethan’s blood running cold. He thought the sight of Grayson practically curled in on himself might have softened her up, but she stood her ground until both of the twins were looking at her. 

Grayson knew that she knew, and she only confirmed it when she spoke.

“What. The fuck. Is wrong with you.” 

Back in New York, Indy’s phone was ringing. Or at least, she thought it was. But when she unlocked it and was blinded by the light, it was just her lockscreen, Grayson smiling at her with 3:04 written across the top. Judging by the darkness, she knew she hadn’t slept the afternoon away, but the buzzing continued until she finally climbed out of bed and realized it was the intercom system - the front desk calling her through the small phone on her wall that hardly ever rang. She pulled it off the receiver and held it up to her ear.

“Hello?”

“Hi Ms. Cross, there’s a gentleman here to see you.”

Her heart skipped, and she clutched the phone with both her hands.

“Who?”

There was a beat of silence, and Indy could vaguely hear her ask him for a name. 

“His name is Devin.” 

She sucked in a breath, letting her head and her hopes fall. 

“Send him up.” 

It took her a moment to process her grief before the panic set in. If Devin was showing up unannounced, something bad must have happened. She swung her door open, chewing on her nails as she stood in the doorway, waiting for him to appear. He came out of the elevator with a small duffle slung over his shoulder and a cautious smile that had her ready to cry.

“Dev, what the hell are you doing here? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said.

“Charlie?”

“Also fine. We’re fine.”

She caught her breath, and then she was frowning. “If everything is fine, why the fuck are you here at 3am?”

“Because you haven’t answered your sister’s calls in a week, and she’s worried sick about you.”

Guilt panged in her stomach - she hadn’t meant to ignore her. In all honesty, she’d ignored everyone without realizing it. 

“I- sorry, I didn’t mean to. Just slipped my mind. Is she here too?”

“She’s got a wedding to shoot this weekend, and we only had one ticket anyways. Flight got delayed, tried to find a hotel for the night so I could wait until later this morning but I couldn’t find one so you’re stuck with me. Sorry,” he teased, reaching out to hold onto her shoulder. There was no malice in his voice, and Indy was grateful. “Let’s go inside.” 

He didn’t ask for it, but she made him a coffee anyways alongside her own. She was tired, her eyes burning, but it wasn’t anything new from the last few weeks. She fought it, pulling one of the few sweatshirts Grayson had left at her place over her head before she sat on the couch, waiting.

Devin was quiet, tapping his fingers against his mug, out of his element. 

“Dev.”

“Hmm?”

“You didn’t fly to New York to drink coffee with me. Talk.”

He sighed, sitting his mug down on the coffee table and turning towards her.

“Inds, we’re worried about you.” 

Indy scoffed, a short, automatic sound. 

“I’m fine.”

“No, you aren’t. You really, really aren’t. You’re running yourself into the ground for no good reason.” 

“I’m trying to pay rent,” she countered, but even she knew it wasn’t true.

“Your hospital job pays more than rent. Jet’s is just because you’re scared to let your mind rest.”

Indy didn’t have an answer, so she sipped her coffee instead, cursing herself for telling Charlie everything in a moment of weakness. The silence was loud, and Devin sighed to break it after far too long.

“Have you talked to him? Since?”

Her throat was tight. “No.”

Devin wrung his hands together. “You do know it was fucked up what he did, right?”

“Dev-”

“I’m just making sure you know that. You can still make your own decision on however you wanna navigate it in the future, but you have to acknowledge that what he did was a new level of shitty. And he’s a good guy, I really do think he is, but he fucked you over, and you’re my family. And I protect my family. So I just need you to know that you didn’t deserve what he did to you, and he fucked up. Big time.” 

“Right.”

“Okay, good.”

She let him believe it, though she’d only said it to appease him. She wondered if he would feel differently, if he had seen. If he had felt, the way that Grayson had shook in her arms, the way his sobs seemed to be ripping him apart every moment that he was hurting her. She wanted to pull up her phone, show him the pictures from the beach, show him that he was hurting too, that he didn’t want to hurt her. She wanted to prove it to him.

“When does your semester start?” He asked, pulling her mind off of it. She swallowed hard, then took another drink of coffee. 

Indiana had spent three days in self pity when she got back from the airport. She let the misery have her fully - didn’t change her clothes, barely ate, hardly left her bedroom. And then, after that, she picked herself up and got to work. She applied for her tech job and called Patrick to see if she could get the schedules to align, and more importantly, she’d started to run numbers. 

Medical school. Just the application fees alone were going to hit her budget hard, so much so that she reduced it down to two. JCU, and UCLA. 

Her applications had gotten accepted three days prior, along with an email about a scholarship she was eligible for at UCLA that made it comparable to JCU’s tuition. But the money wasn’t the issue, and when it was time to accept, she knew that UCLA wouldn’t hold her spot forever.

She’d taken a deep breath, and emailed the registrar. 

“I deferred.”

She was embarrassed to say it outloud, and for some reason it was the brick of the dam that fell, and her tears began to flow. She felt Devin’s hand on her shoulder before he spoke.

“Good.”

She hadn’t expected him to be mean - in fact, the meanest thing she’d ever heard him say was what he’d just said about Grayson. But it still shocked her enough to have her frowning.

“Good?”

“Indy. Do you realize how long you’ve been a student? Do you know who you are outside of being one?”

“I-”

“You’re the smartest person I know, and I love you, but I think you need to take a step back and really look at what you’re doing. Take a semester, fuck, take a year. Live. Breathe. You’re already ahead, and you’ll still be ahead.”

“I’m not worried about being ahead, Dev,” she whispered, running her hands over her face.

“Then what are you worried about?” There was a sincerness in his voice, and a gentleness in the way he held her hand that made her cry even harder.

“I just don’t know what the fuck to do anymore,” she blubbered, grateful when he pulled her over to his chest in a hug. He let her cry it out for a while, waiting until she was calm enough to hear him.

“I don’t have the answer to that, but I say, ask yourself what you really want the rest of your life to look like, and then do whatever you have to to get there. If it’s being a doctor, great. If it’s not, great. Just as long as it’s what you want.”

She took a shaky breath in, and blew it out through her lips, simply giving him a nod.

The problem was, she knew exactly what she wanted - and he was off in Los Angeles, cowering behind his brother.

“Baby, woah, hey, take it easy,” Ethan cautioned, side stepping into the war path she’d outlined, headed straight for Grayson. Her eyes were fire when she looked at her boyfriend and raised an eyebrow.

“He’s having a rough night, just take it easy,” he added.

He stoked the flames.

“You know who else is probably having a rough fucking night? Indiana. And we are gonna talk later-” she poked a finger into Ethan’s chest - “but right now, I’m not talking to you so I suggest you get out of my way.” 

There was a bite in her tone that had Ethan rocking back on his heels, questioning just how far his duties as protective brother would go. He breathed out a sigh when he felt Grayson’s hand on his shoulder.

“It’s fine E.” 

He’d never admit it, but Grayson had been waiting. Ever since he pulled away on New Year’s, he had waited for the punishment. The anger, the disbelief, the spite that he thought would arise in Indiana at the realization of what he’d done. 

It wasn’t until he got off the plane and into his room that he realized his true punishment would be the guilt, and the grief, and the realization that he’d pushed away the only future he’d ever truly known he wanted. 

The anger was a welcomed change.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck, Grayson.”

“I know.”

“I don’t say a lot of shit about a lot of shit, but whoever you decide to be with could possibly end up as part of my family, forever, so fuck me if I’m invested, and I think I deserve an explanation on why I just got a call from Charlie to see if I’d talked to Indy, cause she’s ‘really going through it’.”

“I didn’t want to hurt her.” His eyes turned glossy, and Ethan stood up straighter.

“The fuck you didn’t,” she scoffed, running her hand through her hair to push her curls out of her face. “You realize how badly you fucked up, right? Right?”

“Yes.”

“And that you broke her heart right? Probably absolutely fucking destroyed her.”

“Eden-” Ethan spoke up.

“Yes,” Grayson answered, his chest tight. He wrapped his arms around himself, willed them to hold him together. It felt different, to have someone say it to him so directly, to confirm what he had done.  

“Then why? Just… why?”

“Long distance wouldn’t have worked, and I didn’t want -”

“Oh bullshit. No one would have tried harder than Indiana to make that work, you fucking know that.”

“She shouldn’t have to deal with that, with me being so far away -”

“God you fucking self-sacrificial fuck!” She yelled. “She loved you, you moron, and when you love someone, you give! You hit a crossroads, you sit down and have a fucking conversation, and you fucking give! That’s what a fucking real relationship looks like, not you deciding that you don’t deserve to be loved and running in the other fucking direction!” Her face was red when she stopped to catch her breath. Ethan looked just as shocked at the outburst as his brother. Her mind seemed to catch up to her ears, and she backtracked.

“Sorry, fuck, that was -”

“No, you're right. You’re right. Everything you said was fucking right,” Grayson didn’t even try to hide his tears. He blubbered into his hands, ugly choking sobs that he wasn’t sure how he even produced. Ethan was at his side immediately, arm wrapped around his shoulders.

“What do I do?” He asked, voice muffled by his hands until he finally raised his head and looked at Eden with pleading eyes, waiting for an answer she was reluctant to give.

“You let her live. Don’t text her, don’t call her. If she calls, you don’t answer. When you go home, you don’t see her. You let her let go, and move on.”

All he could do was nod, and lean into his brother.

Indy leaned against the wall. It was cold and unrelenting against her shoulder, but it held her up better than her own legs would. She’d dropped Devin off at the airport that afternoon, and found herself back on the ped’s floor, waiting. 

Valentina spotted her first from the nurses station, and the way she held her clipboard made it look like a weapon.

“My eyes better be deceiving me, cause’ I know that is not Indiana Cross standing in my hallway on her day off.” 

Indy found it in her to laugh dryly. “Relax Val, I’m here to see Beks. Haven’t gotten to visit her off the clock for a while.”

Valentina still gave her signature disapproving stare, but she gave it up with a sigh. “Well, her family is visiting too. Mom and Dad, if you wanna say hi.”

It had been a long time since she’d seen Mr. and Mrs. Newcomb. They were lovely people, and they truly did come see her as often as they could. But they also worked two jobs a piece to try to foot the medical bills, which meant often was scarce. 

Indy had never seen them in the same room before, and her stomach tightened. She was hesitant to go to Bekah’s room, scared to interrupt, but when she peaked her head around her doorway, she saw the couple sitting on the couch in the room quietly. 

Mrs. Newcomb spotted her, eyes brightening as she waved her inside. 

“Come in, come in!”

Indy was still hesitant as she walked inside, eyes darting over to a sleeping Bekah. She was curled up under her halloween blanket, brows furrowed down and skin pale. 

“Hi Indiana, how are you sweet girl?” Mrs. Newcomb asked.

“I’m good, I’m sorry to interrupt, I just thought I might stop by and check on her but I don’t want to intrude.”

“No, no you’re fine! She was actually asking about you just before she went to sleep, you and Earring, whoever that is. Hang on.”

Indy watched as she moved over to the edge of her daughter’s bed, running her thumb along her cheek until she started to stir.

“Sweetheart, Indiana is here to see you. Can you open your eyes for me?”

Bekah whined, but pulled her eyes open, smiling slightly when Indiana moved into her view.

“Hey punk,” Indy said, crouching down so she could get to her level. 

“Hey,” she whispered, voice hoarse. On instinct, Indy reached out to fix her head wrap, making Bekah’s mother smile. “What time is it?”

“6:55,” Indy answered.

“Mmm. Meds coming soon,” she mumbled. “Where’s Earrings? He doesn’t like needles, don’t let him see the needles.”

“No needles baby,” Mrs. Newcomb said. “Just some to make you feel better. You rest now.”

“Earrings,” she said again, and Indy could tell she was asking. 

“He’ll be here to see you soon,” Indy lied, rubbing over her wrap like she would her hair if it was still there. 

It didn’t click for Indiana until 7 rolled around, and Jennifer came in with a cup of pills instead of an IV pole.

Radiation and chemo don’t come in pills, Indy knew that much. 

Mrs. Newcomb watched the realization come across her face, and she gave her a sympathetic smile.

“She’s… she didn’t get her meds.”

“Indiana baby, it’s what she wants. The new round didn’t work, the stem cells failed. It’s time to let her rest. We’ll keep her comfortable, the doctor says it’ll probably be a few weeks, maybe a month.”

Indy’s throat burned, and her breathing quickened, chest rising much too fast. She couldn’t say goodbye to anyone - it took all her focus to make it out of the building, running down the stairs and across the lobby before she was dry heaving in the bushes, the sight of Bekah’s frail body in her bed appearing every time she closed her eyes.

It wasn’t a conscious decision. More of an instinct, really, that drove her to pull her phone out of her pocket and pull him up and call.

In LA, Grayson’s phone buzzed against his nightstand. A new picture of Indiana popped up - her contact photo that he’d taken one day in Jersey. With a knot in his throat and Eden’s voice in his ears, he reached over and turned it off before rolling away and letting his tears soak into the pillowcase.

#mixtape #SO SORRY #im prepared for the yelling again #grayson dolan #grayson dolan fanfiction

[heliophilial]

𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒖𝒔 . (a tbz 3rd year anniversary special)

genre :angst ,fluff (more of brotherhood)

group and member involved :the boyz ,all members are involved !

between :the whole group and thebs hello cuties <3

warnings :u may or may not cry but i cried typing this so gluck ig HWUJDF

word count :844 (i didn’t count my notes to thebs and the boys in)

brief description :when all seems dull ,when times are grey ,it is only when we are together that the world gains its colour .theres no one else like you ,no one else like us ,theres really nothing like us .

playlist :literally just nothing like us by justin bieber like a 1 hr loop or smth ,depends on how long u take to read this

before you continue to read also please note that ‘we’ refers to thebs here !!

quiet .peaceful .light snores of the members filled the dorm .the room filled with nothing but darkness .black shade hovering over the members faces .they had just wrapped up a little celebration in the living room with cakes and party poppers to celebrate their 3rd year together not long ago .shortly after wrapping up the party ,they had fallen asleep on the couch ,all lying on one another comfortably .

sangyeon slowly blinked his eyes open .he rubbed his eyes and slowly unwrapped eric's hands from his waist and placed chanhee's legs that were on his lap onto the space of the sofa that he had previously occupied .careful to not wake the members up .

he looked at the members' sleeping forms and smiled ,glad that they were finally able to catch some rest after their packed schedules .he walked to the kitchen to fetch himself a glass of water and at the corner of his eyes ,he spotted a glimmering light .he placed his glass down and approached the light that was so very alluring for some reason .

there on the shelf of where all their awards have been placed on ,laid a book with its contents blinding his eyes with its bright light .he inspected the book for a while before proceeding to open it with caution .

inside the book ,there were sketches of the key moments the members have shared together such as their debut stage ,their first ever music show award as well as their first ever full length album promos .as he flipped to the first page that displayed their first moment together ,there were harsh winds blowing past him and a force from the book pulled him towards the page and right into it .

he looked at the 12 boys on stage ,introducing themselves for the first time to the whole wide world .and he looked at them with pride and honour in his eyes ,the boys' who had no idea what being idols would be like for themselves ,clueless of what the future had in store for them .he looked at them from the bottom of the stage and sucked in a breath ,"wow we've really grown a lot ."he thought .

after they had introduced themselves as a group and individually ,the sight in front of him suddenly pauses and his attention gets diverted to the door to his right .

he walked into the room .

he gets transported to the very first time they cried together ,over the pain ,over the stress ,over the tiredness of it all .

he looked at the 12 boys shedding tears of pain .he swallowed the lump in his throat ,the feelings of helplessness ,confusion ,fear coming washing over him once again as he sees the very moment they broke down .

tears flows down his face ,and that my friends are tears of the caretaker ,the leader ,the person whom the members depend on ,lee sangyeon .

as heavy as the weight he carried ,the tears poured like a fierce and powerful waterfall .

and then the door right next to him yet again invites him to step into yet another memory .

he steps onto the stage of road to kingdom ,and as he looks ahead the ending poses of all their road to kingdom stages are there right in front of him .all the members still and not moving ,just statures .

he walks down the long stretch ,as he looks at the legacy they left behind ,the power and strength ,the confidence from these stages that the members have gained progressively with each stage .

as he finally reaches the other end of the stage ,the screen opens up to when they had their 'the stealer'promotions .where they had their wins .

his smile grew wider and wider as he walked through all the performances they have done for the stealer and all the trophies they have gotten from the era .

and finally he reached another door .a door with a question mark on it .

he opens the door ,to pitch black .

darkness ,just darkness .and the fear in sangyeon grew ,"what does this darkness mean ?what is it gonna be for us ?"

suddenly , the door creaks open to reveal the members one by one .

sangyeon looks up at them and suddenly the fear stops ,hes no longer afraid as he looks into their eyes .

they ran to him and extended their hands out to him .

he proceeds to embrace all the members into a big tight group hug .drops of colour starts to paint the room ,slowly forming a picture showing the many stages they have performed ,every milestone theyve achieved ,the concerts ,every moment with their fans ,every moment together ,every vlives .everything starts out when theyre together .

we opened the door carefully ,proceeding to join our hands together and form a circle surrounding the boys .as we cried tears of joy and pride ,we hugged each other as well and this is when we knew

"theres nothing like us ,theres nothing like you and me ,together through the storm ."

for thebs

thank you for being one of the most caring ,loving ,welcoming and inclusive fandoms ever .to all the thebs all around thw world ,thank you for supporting them and giving them love as well .i love yall <3 lets protect them at all costs ♡

for my beloved boys

hello my loves ❤ik its 12 am in korea already but i still just wanna type this for you !so there's really a lot of things i want to say to you ,im sure many of us have already said whatever im about to say but i will still say it to remind you or to let you know that ,yes ,you do make me feel that way ,you do make me feel those kinds of feelings .

i dont know how ,like no nothing at all can show how grateful i am towards you .i cant tell you how many times there were this year when i just got beaten up (mentally)to the point that i couldnt even have the energy to stand back up and continue life normally .but whenever these times come ,ik i just know even though youre not here physically ,i know you want me to stop crying ,i know you would want me to stop hurting myself and i know you would stay with me even when my walls come crashing down onto me .you made me feel the greatest kind of happiness possible ,i never knew that this feeling was even possible to feel until i met you .

there was never a moment when i regretted stanning you ,supporting you and giving you all my heart and soul ,my energy ,everything .i just want you to know that you are so special ,so wonderful ,so incredibly talented ,so hardworking ,so beautiful ,just the most amazing bunch of people ever .ive never seen people so passionate ,so ready to help ,so genuinely loving and caring towards the people who love them .

i know its hard to be an idol ,and i know that its especially hard to even speak your mind ,speak what you wanna say without having the media chase you down .but i just wanna let you know that we are and will be by your sides forever .no matter what happens ,im sure ,very sure u know that u can run right back into our arms like how uve always welcome us back into urs .u are the people who made me feel the most bizarre feelings ,beyond happiness ,beyond joy ,beyond euphoria ,beyond all the feelings ive ever felt in my whole 16 years of living .

we are so proud of you of how far youve come ,how much youve accomplished .im so so proud ,so so happy to be able to call myself a fan of yours ,a theb ,someone who so dearly supports you .and i really hope you know that .i would wish for there to never be an end to this .for all i know ,im in this shit for life ,forever ,till the end .

im just so happy because of you ,i feel joy ,i see the light in life ,the reasons to live ,so much more prominent to me now because of you .there will come one day ,when we can finally see each other face to face and i can finally shout out to you ,my words of gratitude ,my words of thanks and my words filled with love and affection for you and just see your faces .but till then ,please take good good care of urselves ,rest well and eat well okay !we're always here ,remember !❤

its really been a rocky and crazy ride these 3 years ,you my friend ,are indeed the best character i can ever invite into my story 💜i hope youre sleeping tight ,i love you so much more than words can ever describe .with that ,happy 3 years to my favourites ,my loves ,my bbs ,my shining lights ,my everything ,happy 3 years to the boyz ❤💜💙💛 - berinne

#deobiwritersnet #the boyz #theb #deobi #the boyz angst #the boyz fluff #happytheboyzday #the boyz imagines

[riaflicke]

The saying went something like, monsters are created not born. And that was exactly how Ria Flicke felt about the demon - or demons, plural, depending on the day - inside of her. It wasn’t always dark, but it was fed enough that it grew and grew until she didn’t know what it felt like to not have the darkness inside of her.

Some of the creation was self-inflicted. It wasn’t like she knew how to walk away from a bad situation or how to let the light win out, no, she let the darkness win and that was her own fault. Over the past few months of alone time and wrestling with questions and curiosities, she managed to figure out how and where the darkness was cultivated, fed and nurtured by the people that were meant to protect her.

AUGUST 17th, 2010, FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT (14 years old)

Move in day for Faircrest Preparatory School. Day one of one million of learning to be a spy. Mariana thought that it would be a good idea for Leon to drive Ria to move in. After all, he worked at Faircrest, and she thought it’d be good for the younger Flicke to finally get to know her father. 

Needless to say, it did not get off to a good start. Ria knew two things: her mother was cryptic about her father and the only way to get adults to pay attention to her was to be annoying. And she had lots of questions for Leon which meant she would be extra annoying. 

“Don’t put your feet up there,” Leon turned over to his daughter, who had perched her feet on the all white car dash. “You’re going to get it dirty.” “What?” Ria didn’t dignify him with even a glance, she instead focused on picking a scab on her calf. “Maria-” “Ria.” “Maria,” Leon huffed, “Take your feet off the dash or we’re not leaving this driveway… What did you do to yourself anyway?” “Fell off my bike.” “Don’t you know how to ride a bike?” Picking at the scab until she got it to bleed again (because it definitely made her dad cringe), “Yes. I let go.” “Why?” “It made mom freak out.” She finally moved her feet from the dash, pleased with the furrowed brow her father now had. “And why in the world would you want to do that?” Leon asked in a deadpan tone, clearly frustrated with his daughter’s antics. “It proved mom cares. Somewhere. She got worried.”

The frustration on Leon’s face morphed into one of pride, but in the blink of an eye it was back to neutral. “You’re already thinking like a spy. What has your mother taught you so far?” “Nothing, I’ve known for all of like, three months.” “Alright. Well, we have about six hours ahead of us-” “Joy.” “Don’t interrupt me, Maria. I can’t have my daughter not knowing anything about spyhood. You’re already starting Faircrest at a disadvantage.”

That spoke to the competitive side of Ria and all, but she thought that this ride would be a way to get to know the man she’d wondered about for years. “You’re going to spend six hours talking to me about spy stuff and not like… anything about me?” “I didn’t say that. Anyways, I’ll see you all year on campus, we have plenty of time to get to know each other.” “Ooookay. Weird, but, fine, talk to me about your spy life or whatever…” Her voice trailed off into silence.

Leon glanced over at her, “What were you about to say?” Chewing on her bottom lip, Ria was silent for a little longer before speaking up. “I wanted to ask you a question.” “Fine, ask it then.” “Do you love me?” The words sounded sharp to hide the fear inside. “I don’t know.” Sitting up straighter, the blonde’s face dropped, “How do you not know? I’m your daughter.” “We just met.” “So?” “So,  I need time to decide.” “Do you think you ever will?” “We’ll see.” And he wouldn’t. ‘I love you’ were three words he’d never say. “Fine… Tell me about this spy shit.” “Language.”

JUNE 8th, 2010, FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT (17 years old) Whether she wanted to listen to her father or not (spoiler: she didn’t!), Ria wanted to be top of her class. Success was something she could control. Success gave her purpose. Success made it all worth it. So as much as she hated Leon Calder with everything in her being, she kept note of all of his rules and the subsequent tests and trials in a tiny leather bound notebook. It was a pale pink, embossed with “Maria” on the cover - which she had since scratched up with pens and keys until it only read Ria.

With graduation on the corner - and a four year break from spyhood (her parents hated that one) on the horizon - she flicked through the pages, a walk down a very bumpy memory lane.

Rule 1: Control the conversation What’s it mean: - Have conviction in what you say - Stand by your words, even if they’re questionable - Don’t get stuck in webs of lies - Take pride in attention - good or bad - throws people off their game when you embrace an insult

Rule 2: Head not heart What’s it mean: - Don’t lead with emotions ever - Look at things logically bc that’s trustworthy, emotions are fickle - Tears are weakness - avoid at all costs!!!

8/30/10 - first week @ faircrest, dad got me a xanax prescription. told me it’s better to feel nothing than something. haven’t tried it yet 2/1/12 - (middle of soph. year.) - i think i’m addicted  4/29/14 - i’m graduating in 2 months. Idk how to feel bc i don’t think i’ve felt anything in four years. 8/2/14 - i don’t trust my own head

Rule 3: Don’t have a blindspot What’s it mean: - Falling in love means youre caught up in another person - Getting caught up in another person is a weak point - A lover will betray you or will be used against you - Lust =/= love, lust is ok.

11/1/13 - i don’t think ive cared about a single person ive slept with. like at all.

Rule 4: Know what you’re walking into What’s it mean: - Awareness is key - Evaluate every situation in full - ALWAYS keep your guard up or you’ll get backstabbed

12/21/10 - was @ home for christmas, dad snuck up behind me and threw a knife. i ducked in time. said i need to get better at awareness. Wtf.

After twenty or so blank pages, one page of the notebook had a few words written on it in all capitals. They were written more cleanly than the notes and scribbles of yesteryear, clearly written by an older Ria with stronger penmanship.

I THINK IM A MONSTER.

SEPTEMBER THROUGH NOVEMBER, 2020, ROSEVILLE, VA (24 years old)

The fires the year prior had been the first time that Ria remembered crying in over ten years. Something cracked inside of her as the buildings and all she’d used to ground herself started to fall and crackle apart. It was what pushed her to look inside of her. To know why she held so tightly onto the lessons and learnings from two people that couldn’t care less about her. It was what sent her to therapy. 

There were no diagnoses to be found, apart from a self-inflicted dependence on unhealthy relationships and her vices. She lacked the remorse and violence to be a psychopath, and she didn’t have the swings of anger that hallmarked aggression disorders. What was there instead was a shell, a guard that presented itself as sociopathy - but she knew what she was doing, she had remorse, that was where the questions began. How could you display every trait in the book but be ‘normal’ inside? 

The revelation of Blackthorne as a school for assassins had opened up even more of a can of worms, but she ignored it until the start of her third year, as she continued to try and understand what was going on inside of her head. Leon had gone to Blackthorne, yet the alumni didn’t seem to recognize his name. Something was up.

With the help of one of her Faircrest friends, Tobi, she was able to find more on her father. More on his employment records and his history. He’d begun going by his middle name after graduating Blackthorne, Leon Calder instead of Malcolm Calder. Hardly a criminal offense. He had a cross listing with the MI5 (expected, she knew her parents met in London) and a private agency ‘Atkinson Associates’. Further digging revealed it as a hitman agency, one that her father was still actively employed with. 

Once she had that, and access to the files of the company, she went to dig on her own - not wanting to pull anyone else deeper into the mess. The employee roster and files were what she really wanted. Clicking on her father’s, she read through the notes, feeling a gross pit building in her stomach as she learned more. Kill count: 117. Use for: High profile, quickturn jobs. Works both individually and with partners.

Noting that the word partners was linked, Ria clicked on it, skimming quickly over unknown names until she settled on the name of a former partner. One she knew too well. Mariana Alice Flicke.

“No…. no no no…” But she couldn’t stop, she had to know more about her mother. Kill count: 2. Use for: Track erasure and evidence destruction. 

She didn’t know if it made her feel better or worse that her mother was typically non-violent… Even if she condoned the violence. Blue eyes kept scanning the profile of her mom. Employment Terminated: September 30, 1995 Reason: Pregnancy.

“No wonder he hates me so fucking much.” She took Mariana out of the field, she took his partner away… But that wasn’t her fault! Hovering over the word pregnancy, Ria’s brow furrowed. Another link. There was no reason that needed to be linked. Everyone knew how pregnancy worked!

After a long stare off with the link, she finally clicked on it. The curiosity eating away at her. It pulled up what looked like an incomplete profile, one with nothing but the key statistics. And she didn’t even need to read them, they were ones she knew by heart. Name: Maria Grace Flicke Date of Birth: June 6, 1996 Start Date: To Be Determined.

She wanted to stop scrolling, but her hand kept moving, the answers were finally there. Whether she liked them or not. 

Current Status: 

Atkinson Associates Case study 001.:  Nature versus Nurture

- Developing the mindset of an assassin from day one - Utilizing upbringing to control later characteristics, thought processes, and disposition

None of her mania was an accident. It was all part of a bigger plan that she never wanted to be a part of. Each demon was planted inside of her by the people that were supposed to love her most.

And the only way she could deal with this was to let out an ear-piercing wail.

#dev | ria #i'm sorry #drugs tw

[riskeith]

ooo! how was playing? what do you think about the event? i’m really enjoying it actually... always nice getting new daily things to do hehe.

yeah i think everyone knows The Cover now. i still can’t believe they did that... not complaining tho... oh really? you’re absolutely right and judging by the way they’re taking the story it seems like those two will have a lot more growth to their relationship. who knows maybe we’ll even get a part where bakugou apologizes or even talks about their past etc. one can only wish. YEAH i’ve seen both the movies and i love them!! they’re super fun and such a nice break from everything that happens in the anime sjskjssk kiribaku in the first one was so gay i.... we get it boys y’all in love fhjsjdjfk (THE SIDEWAYS TODOBAKU SMILE... one of my favorite moments ever) i am all caught up now.. waiting for s5... :(

no clue!! it’s just my theory so it might be wrong. the blue one was cute too so was the pink one.... they’re all cute why do we have to pick just one :( HEY you do know how to draw 😡 pretty amazingly too! but i’d love to see that in your style chongyun is so precious.. <3

omg i gotta hustle hard for AR 35 then i already miss him. i’m at 26 now and god.. it’s getting more and more difficult i can’t imagine how it is at like 45... 😭

oooooh!!! honestly barbara healing is godsent if you don’t get him you should consider it (hopefully you do though!!) IVE SEEN VIDEOS OF OCEANID AND HE LOOKS SO SCARY CLUNA.... no thoughts head empty only boy scouts party. looking at others with amazing parties: ok but do you have boy scouts party?

i mostly have sword users! but like i mentioned i’m starting to fall in love with book users (and even bow users) shskfhdkd so i might consider investing in those some day idk they just shoot of attacks and it’s so sexy. no hands dirty. ningguang seems so op 😭 plus geo is so nice!! like an all around element.

HE’S TALL? he has a short person voice...

i’m making a twitter i wanna see some fluff 😭 wait really? even this fandom is shit? why 😭 i sometimes see yt comments and the thing i’m iffy about is how people talk about spending money on it etc but is there more?

i’ve never heard anyone do that that’s so interesting!!!! do you write it down in the same doc and then delete it or do you write it separately?

ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!!! i’ve had so many ideas come to me before bed and i always think that i’m gonna remember them but i never do it makes me so upset. especially if it’s an idea of how to continue a story i’m stuck with... god it’s the worse. writer things 🤪

“stan loona” aka bane of my existence. i don’t usually tell ppl i used to stan because of that reason sksksj. god that was the worst sheesh. anyway. yelling at ALL of these!!! ofc i know daddy issues slowed!!!!!!!!! it’s like one of the most popular slowed songs we’re all just a sad horny bunch loving sexy vibes huh. i listen to slowed songs a lot when i write actually it sets the mood. it doesn’t even have to be anything racy sometimes it’s just calms you down. do you listen to music while you write? also i don’t listen to any of those you mentioned except troye 😭 i’m sorry 😭 but if you’re have recs i’d love to hear them ofc!!

“after school” time that’s so cute. it reminds me of when you’re younger and you run back home and eat a snack and watch cartoon (i say that as both of us still watch cartoons... yee) speaking of crying; would you consider yourself a crybaby? (such a random question hskshdjdfhhd)

before i leave; let me blow your mind with a little something... https://twitter.com/primo_fates/status/1347780975078506496?s=21

hehe... mwah. ;)

it was good!! i tried to get some ominous masks and weathered arrows, but drop rates are always shit lolll. and i think the event is alright! i don’t love it but yeah as you said it’s fun to have something more to do every day.

ikr omg... it’s such a good cover LMAO. omg a bakugou apology 😩😩. what did you think of deku vs kacchan part 2?? i regularly rewatch clips of it and cry LMAOOO god bakugou.. “why did i become the reason for all might’s end?” heart broken wow. NICE!! yeah i remember everyone freaking out over the kiribaku scenes in the first one and honestly,,,, how else do you explain it LMAO. (AND THAT SIDEWAYS SMILE!!! holy shit i watched the movie like the day after i got into todobaku and that scene obliterated me.... absolutely destroyed!) aw nice! but yeah now it’s just the waiting game i guess lol welcome to the club 🤪

IKR??? i saw the “once you pick one the others are gone” and i was just nooooooooooo whyyyy. you can’t give us all these options then don’t actually give us an option 😭 AHAHA thank u but i always joke that i can only draw well like once every 10 tries so... yeahhh we shall see! i have this thing envisioned in my mind but i am unable to execute it fskhfkdsjfs

yeah omg when i reached 45 i was like “wow i’m gonna have to do the ascension quest soon” but it’s taking me so long to reach ar 46??? yikes how am i meant to get the experience with no quests fkhdsfkjsd

i use barbara a lot in the fire domains and with the pyro regisvine!! it’s kinda funny that i’m bringing a level 40 into a level 70+ fight LOL but yeah she’s good! AND YEAHHH OCEANID LEGIT GIVES ME NIGHTMARES I JUST. as soon as i had an actual team that could beat it i grinded it as much as i could before my world level went up and it became impossible again.... but since mine might go up again soon maybe i should grind some more... and maybe i’ll be able to level up both xingqiu and barbara lol. EXACTLY!! can they pls interact in game somehow omg.. we need a bennett story!! and more razor!!!! and chongyun too!! i forgot he hasn’t actually appeared in game hfsdkjfds. and ofc xingqiu <3

fdfjlsjfs are you gonna go from a no long range team to an only long range team ahahah. and you like geo??? omg no... i hate it bc it’s so like. inert FHKDJFSD. but i guess the shields are really nice!

HE’S 172 CM!!!!! he has a baby face too so it’s pretty wild fhskdjds

ooo wdym how they talk about spending money? i don’t really look at youtube comments tbh lol. and i haven’t really seen people talk about spending money much on twitter? tho some content creators i follow open commissions for money for the gacha fhsdfksj. if you do end up joining genshintwt i hope you have fun!! 

same doc and then i delete! but sometimes if the plan is really long i’ll make a new doc so i can see both at the same time (but recently i’ve just been opening the same doc again so i can see both that way lol). do your dotpoints go into the same doc as your writing one?

LMAOOO yeah i’m always like “hnghhh okay it’s fine.. i will Remember... trust myself” and then i never do and it’s just like welp goodbye to that amazing idea. but also bc it was thought up at such a weird time maybe it isn’t actually that good after all LOL

oh nice!! yeah slowed songs are soooo good. and i usually do listen to music! it’ll depend on what i’m writing bc i like the songs to have a similar vibe, but sometimes it’s too distracting so i put on lofi or something so there are no words ahaha. oh rippp LOL! hmm well badlands by halsey was my klance/voltron album writing soundtrack for a really long time.. i wrote a few fics with that in the background i think! melanie martinez’ k-12 album has a whole free movie to go with it! if you wanna check that out. bastille’s pompeii was really popular but i also really like flaws and of the night from them.. a lot of these are older bc i don’t listen to new stuff fhsdfkjds. and hmm pentatonix (they’re an acapella group!) do a lot of covers so maybe you can find one of a song you like and check them out that way? ahah that’s a lot feel free to not listen to any!! no stress at all lmao

oh fun fact melanie has a idk what to call it character? and song called ‘crybaby’! so very coincidental you asked. but yeah i think i am? LMAOOO like if i’m alone in my room watching something and it’s sad i Will Not hesitate to cry.. like sometimes you just gotta get it out you know? and sometimes maybe it’s a little boy singing a korean cover of colours of the wind but it’s so ethereal you just burst into tears but that’s fine! FHDSKJFHDSFKJS. how about you?

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD!! i legit. my jaw is dropped. i. oh my god 😭😭😭😭😭😭 FHSJFKHSKDJF1!!!! 😭😭😭🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 this is so atmospheric and cosy and warm 😭😭😭 i can go at peace now.. fhskfhdsjf

thank you always!! - c.r. xoxo

#marriage anon #wowclunaanswers #long post

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

1/2 so i’ve been dealing with (read ignoring) an ankle/foot injury for a number of weeks/months. i kept telling myself it was fine because there’s no bruising etc and i was marathon training and had consulted with a pod who showed me how to strap etc. in reality it’s not getting better and it’s been about 10 weeks since the original injury. the marathon has been cancelled. ive pulled back on training but i think i probably need a proper rest... i’m scared that ill put on weight but ashamed that

2/2 this is my fear because i am the first to say it does not matter and weight fluctuates etc etc which i DO believe but i also have a history of anorexia and disordered eating and find change hard. also im scared of losing fitness and having to start again.. i don’t really know what my question is. tell me to take time off? going to try and get a go app & mri scan for see if there’s any visible damage to ankle/foot but don’t know that i’ll be able to with all the restrictions atm... sigh.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

okay hi I weirdly love that you sent me this message, don’t get me wrong that is a shitty spot to be in and I’m sending you a big hug, BUT I feel like I could have literally written this myself I resonate SO much so....hopefully because of that I can say something somewhat useful.

First of all. Take a break. I mean it. Just stop everything for like...a week to start (obviously longer is fine too, but a week might seem less terrifying at first). That doesn’t mean oh I’ll take a break from running but bike 20 miles a day...no! I am also someone who has an EXTREMELY hard time giving myself permission to rest (aside from my rest day) because I will internally debate until the end of time over whether or not it’s necessary etc. etc. and honestly I get a huge sense of relief when a medical professional tells me to take a break because I’m like oh okay cool this is literally their career they know what they are talking about and I’m listening to their advice. BUT especially if you are injured and you ARE injured from what I am hearing here even if you do not technically have the scans to prove it yet, you NEED to rest. If you keep going and pushing through the pain you are going to dig yourself deeper and deeper into the hole and it is going to take WAY longer to dig yourself out. Also, especially given your ED history, I would be extra precautious about handling injuries and ensuring proper recovery. Obviously I know literally nothing about your injury or your ED background, but I would not take a lack of bruising to mean that it’s nothing serious (I’m not trying to scare you here but I feel like sometimes we need to have someone just shove the truth in our face so here you go). If it is something like a stress fracture for instance (which again, I have NO idea the details of your issue so maybe it isn’t), then you might not *see* anything but your bones would LITERALLY BE BREAKING and the more you run on that the more you are breaking them down and the recovery could move from just needing a few weeks rest to needing surgery. Not to mention the long term damage you would be doing to your body. Something I had to really, really come to terms with after I got my stress fracture was realizing I had been underfueling for YEARS and even if I wasn’t actively trying to restrict myself, I had gotten used to not eating enough and that meant my bones were breaking down more and more every. single. day. and it is easiest to build bone density when you are young and gets progressively more difficult as you age so the choices you make today are going to affect you deeply in the future. It’s easy to see it as just one extra run or one skipped snack but the truth is that for those of us who buy into those things we never really stop at one, and all of those “just this one time”s add up. And it’s not good. This past summer I forced myself to take a week off of literally everything not because anything was physically wrong but because I realized I was exercising way too much and significantly undereating and I knew I was on the fast track to hurting myself and causing long term damage.

To your second point about fear of gaining weight- first of all I have so, so, so much respect for you for being able to admit that fear because realistically a lot of us have it, I certainly dealt with it when I was injured, and even if we rationally know that in the grand scheme of things it ~doesn’t matter~ the truth is that coming from an ED background the thought of weight gain is probably going to cause some anxiety! like you said I could talk all day about why gaining weight doesn’t matter and you are more than a number etc. etc. but you and I both already know that. Maybe this is a problematic approach that I’m about to share but honestly if someone had told me this when I first found out about my stress fracture it probably would have relieved anxiety and especially given these wild times I think relieving anxiety is prob a good thing- when I had my stress fracture I didn’t workout for four months. Literally NOTHING. no cross training. no swimming. no biking. no walks. I was on crutches. I literally had to be driven to class. My activity level was at a -12. I ate almost exactly the same as when I wasn’t injured (which, led me to learn I was DEFINITELY under eating), and I gained MAYBE like....5 pounds or less (or maybe none at all it honestly was probably 99% in my head). Literally not enough for anyone at ALL to notice except for me because my pants felt a tiny bit tighter. This honestly made me question a lot of things. For one, I knew I needed to really up my intake when I was allowed to be active again. Two, I started to reallllly question WHY I felt the need to do all this activity if being completely inactive didn’t lead to my body changing much. It made me realize how much I underlyingly relied on exercise to micromanage my body. It was a lot to think about.

ALSO. I didn’t get my period regularly for about 4 years and once that stress fracture hit I made it my MISSION to get it back (and I did!) because that is a huge red flag and I knew that if I wasn’t getting it, that once my bone healed even if I was cleared to run again I was just on track to get another injury because sure maybe THAT injury healed but my shitty bones were still shitty and that meant another injury was just as likely. I decided that gaining a little weight (whatever that meant) was critical  because I would much rather be a few pounds heavier than constantly switching between running and injured. Also, more importantly, I want to be able to be active throughout my whole life and if your bones are shit at 21 (when I got my stress fracture) you are probably going to be really f**ked once you are actually the age that people’s bones start to deteriorate. 

The most important thing I have learned is that everything you do in terms of over exercise/under eating has HUGE LONG TERM CONSEQUENCES and it is SO easy to ignore that when you are in the thick of it because often you don’t feel those consequences until years later but listen, you do not want to wait for things to get really bad before you decide to start trying to truly, properly recover.

It’s really easy to get caught in that inbetween place of not doing horribly but also definitely not feeling as free as you could when it comes to food/body stuff. Ask yourself WHY you are scared of gaining weight and like I said, operating under the assumption that we know weight gain is okay etc. etc., realistically your body is probably not going to go through some wild change if you just take a break. Think about it, most people barely exercise and they eat whatever and they are all FINE! It’s easy on the internet/social media to feel like everyone is out running 23498239432 miles and eating kale or whatever but most people really aren’t like that and they are getting along just fine.

Also, something that helped me was realizing that I really do not want to spend my whole life constantly terrified that if I eat too much or take a break or whatever my body is going to change etc. etc. and I realized that if i don’t want to spend my whole life worried about that then at SOME POINT I was going to have to just start living how I wanted to because 1. once you start living how you want to you realize the world does not in fact end and you can have your cake and eat it too (ha). and 2. you aren’t going to just suddenly wake up one day and not care about these things anymore, if you really want to be free from it you need to make a conscious effort to live the life you actually want, not the one that is stemmed in fear

In the past year I have grown SO much in terms of food/exercise. And my body has literally not changed. I was holding on so tightly to this perceived control that was entirely unnecessary. Your body is designed to want to stay generally the same (unless of course you are currently in an unhealthy spot) and when you just chill out for a sec you realize that your body is capable of doing naturally what you thought you had to be micromanaging and taking care of all along. 

I will leave you with a quote that I heard one time somewhere (how’s that for a source) “You have a lot more to gain than you do to lose”

By letting your body heal

By not making decisions out of fear of gaining weight

By eating what you want

etc.

This was long af and I may have rambled but I hope it helps. Like I said, I’m not trying to scare anyone but also sometimes feeling a little bit of that “oh shit wtf am I doing” feeling is the kick in the butt you need. (but I know it is super duper hard and I am sending you all the love and support and also hoping your foot is something minor)

So yes, take a break, talk to your dr, be super honest with them. When I had my stress fracture my dr and pt were both like ok here’s the deal- rest and eat a lot of food. so I would advise that ;)

#answered

[knybits]

A Murder of One

Chapter: 

19

Summary: 

Akiko can’t breathe   

Previous Chapter | Origin | Next Chapter

Akiko can’t breathe. 

“Mitsumi, tie the datejime tighter.” 

Akiko winces in pain, her young body constrained by the fabric that her grandmother is ordering the maid to tighten. 

“Mother, I don’t think-” 

Hiratsuka shuts her mouth under her mother’s harsh glare, and she can’t help but send Akiko an apologetic look. 

Akiko hates odd weekend. 

Sure, Tanjirou comes down from the mountains to spend time with her, but they’re confined within Higuchi’s small box. The idea that they must conform to fit her ideals and traditions. 

“Tea at 12-” 

“-and a walk in the gardens at 3 until supper,” Akiko mumbles under her breath. The same schedule since she can remember. 

Higuchi nods her head as the orange kimono is draped over Akiko’s small body. It’s heavy and Akiko doesn’t like how her shoulders ache a little. 

Obigae, obi, obijime, too many ropes and fabrics for Akiko to count. Her ribs trap her lungs and they start to crush under the pressure. So Akiko takes in small breaths, lifting her chin and trying to squeeze her body smaller than it already is. 

Higuchi prides Akiko’s long and straight hair, silk to the touch and smoothly threading through her fingers like water. It shines thanks to the fact that Akiko was bathed not too long ago, but her skin feels raw and her scalp remembers the nails that scrubbed through it. 

She can feel her hair being pulled every which way, clipped and pinned and tied and teased. Hiratsuka sees the pain in Akiko’s face but after a while it vanishes, and she’s used to the tugging. An elaborate hair piece is stuck into Akiko’s wildly arranged hair, but it’s heavy and Akiko’s neck strains under the weight. 

“She’s done, Higuchi-sama,” Mitsumi says softly, taking a few steps back from her work and bowing lowly at Higuchi’s feet. Akiko can hear a satisfied hum from her grandmother as she’s inspected once again like a prized object. 

“Higuchi-sama, the Kamados are here,” Kakera knocks behind the shoji and Akiko cats her head down. She hates the idea of Tanjirou looking at her on these days. 

He says she’s pretty like a princess, and that he’s lucky to be her fiance. Akiko will strain to smile in thanks, but it just feels like Higuchi is playing with dolls. 

Tanjirou is dressed up for these occasions as well. Or, well, as much as he can be dressed up. Akiko knows that she’s dressed far more elaborately than need be just so that Higuchi can remind the Kamados that their surname is ‘Tamura’. 

That their family is rich and they aren’t. 

It’s distasteful to say the least, and Akiko has come far too close to ripping every pin in her hair out or tearing all the ropes constricting her body to shreds. 

Akiko’s steps are light and small, and it feels like forever before she arrives to the entrance of the house. Tanjirou smiles upon seeing how dressed up she always is, and her strained smile returns once again. 

“Be good, alright?” Tanjuro says to his son, who nods his head with excitement. But Tanjuro can see how tired Akiko is, and the most he can do is offer her a gracious smile. Akiko bows her head as low as possible, hands tucked neatly in front of her and her hair ornament dangling in front of her face. 

Akiko doesn’t want to believe that this is supposed to be how her married life will be. 

Tea at 12 and a walk through the gardens from 3 till supper. Asleep by 10 and awake by 6, dressed by the maids by 8 for the day and repeat. 

Sure, Tanjirou is by her side, but if Akiko is already so tired of this routine she worries for her future with her fiance. 

Tanjirou notices that Akiko is far more quiet than usual today. Her movement is stiffer and she can’t keep the conversation going with he. Higuchi isn’t eating with the two for the day, so Tanjirou assumed that Akiko would be a  bit more talkative, but that seems to be the opposite case.  

“Are you alright, Akiko?” Tanjirou asks, watching as she mechanically takes a bite of her fish. Akiko nods her head, but Tanjirou can smell that she’s lying. 

Rather, she’s lying to herself. 

“Tanjirou, I’m not okay,” Akiko bitterly admits by his bedside. 

It’s been a month since the upper six fight, and Tanjirou continues to sleep in the bed. All the IVs stuck into his arm and the wet towel on his forehead is painful to look at. 

Years of lying to herself and she admits it to her coma induced fiance. 

Akiko can’t breathe. 

--- 

“She’s the doctor?” 

Aoi glares at the patient, who points accusingly at Akiko. Akiko is in the midst of tugging some gloves on to clean her patient’s large gash on his right forearm, but judging by his tone the two can only assume that he’s going to refuse treatment. 

“You’re kidding, right? Where’s the real doctor?!” 

“She is the real doctor,” Aoi snaps. 

“A doctor with a patient that hasn’t woken up in a half a month? Give me a break!” He points again at Tanjirou, who doesn’t even look to be breathing. Aoi glances over at Akiko in concern, but Akiko doesn’t even flinch under pressure. 

“Sir, would you like me to treat you or not?” Akiko asks patiently. 

“Where’s. The. Doctor.” 

Akiko leaves the room right after, tossing her unused gloves into a bin with Aoi hot on her trail. 

“Akiko, regardless of his poor attitude, we can’t just let a demon slayer bleed out!” 

“I can’t force a patient to receive treatment. He’s on his own.” 

Occurrences such as these have become much more common over time. And Akiko is far too tired to fight them on their decisions. She keeps her mouth shut and restrains her breathing. 

As harsh as it sounds, Akiko would rather a demon slayer come to her unconscious. Because then, she wouldn’t have to fight them on why she’s a more than capable doctor. 

Akiko doesn’t sound as soothing as Shinobu to convince the male demon slayers. And she’s not as stubborn as Aoi to induce treatment.

She’s tired of being shown off as a prize. Akiko refuses to alter herself in any way to show her worth, and if her services aren’t wanted, she’ll draw back and allow her patient to do as they please. 

Who would have known that a baby would be the one to help Akiko to breath the least bit. 

“Baby! Baby on the way!” Miruna crows right into Akiko’s ear, and she bolts up from her napping spot on the engawa. But with half her body hanging off, Akiko can’t help but to fall over the edge and land roughly on her side. 

She hisses in pain, but there’s another thought in her mind that makes her heart pick up with speed. 

“I’ve never helped deliver a baby.” 

“The baby has a fever,” Aoi explains, hands on her hips as she rolls her eyes, and Akiko scrambles back over the engawa. 

“Oh thank the gods.” 

Regardless, Akiko changes into a fresh set of clothes. Babies are fragile, and their immune systems aren’t fully developed, so Akiko will have to be much more careful than usual when dealing with the baby. 

Akiko walks into the medical ward, eyes barely brushing past Tanjirou as she settles her gaze on two others instead. 

There’s a tall (tall) woman seated on one of the beds, her hair as pure a white and as soft looking as a cloud, with eyes so green they remind Akiko of moss. Her arms rival that of Genya’s and that alone is enough to impress Akiko. 

But cradled within her arms is a bundle of blankets, and a baby red in the face. 

“Oh my god are you the doctor? My baby sister is DYING!” 

Akiko glances at the baby to see that their temperature is at a solid 100 degrees. The woman stuffs the baby into Akiko’s arms, and Akiko blinks in surprise. 

“Here, is she dying?! I kill demons but I swear I dON’T KILL BABIES!”  She’s a hysterical mess now and Akiko is trying her best to rock the baby, the sound of crying coming from both the demon slayer and the baby. 

“Takenaka-san! Please get a hold of yourself!” Aoi scolds before taking the baby from Akiko’s arms, seeing the look of sheer panic in her face. 

“You too Akiko! Don’t freeze up over a baby!” The baby calms down in Aoi’s arms instead, but she still fusses in her blanket. 

Without the most knowledge on babies, Akiko still attempts to create a medicine to help, allowing the tall demon slayer into the lab so that she knows what’s going into the medicine. 

“Your sister isn’t dying, Takenaka-san,” Akiko assures, finishing up with the medicine. 

“She just has a fever.” 

“You can just call me Chiyo. I’m the new forest pillar,” she laughs wearily, twirling around in the swivel chair as she patiently waits. 

Akiko stops with her work to turn back around, “Tamura Akiko.” 

“Oh! Oyakata-sama told me that you’re the official physician! Oh shit, sorry for going crazy. Ayame is super important to me!” 

Akiko cracks a soft smile before Chiyo graciously accepts the bag of medicine. 

“I would hope so, considering she’s your baby sister after all.” 

Chiyo gapes at the medicine in her hands, “You’re done already? That’s so cool!” 

“Please give your baby sister this medicine twice a day, morning and night. Make sure she’s drinking a bunch of fluids and sleeps as much as possible. I know she won’t want to sleep, but it’s important that she does,” Akiko quickly explains, filling out a piece of paper for Chiyo to remember what to do. 

Chiyo nods her head thoughtfully at every word, and Akiko’s heart begins to mend. 

Without needing to alter herself in any way, her services are accepted and she can breathe again.

“If you ever need anything else, let me know, alright?” Akiko folds her hands into her lap, and Chiyo smiles down at a seated Akiko. 

“Me too! Just send a crow and I’ll zoom over to help you out, Doctor Tamura!” 

Doctor. 

Akiko is reminded to write a letter to her father to let him know that she’s a doctor now. 

“There’s no way you’re the doctor!” 

Akiko flinches as the tray of medicine is batted out of her hands, and the shattering of glass rings through her ears. 

“You’re the doctor and you couldn’t save my leg! Are you fucking kidding me?!” The hunter rips the sheets off his body and Akiko looks at his amputated left leg. It’s the best she could do given that he arrived far too late to use it again. 

Sumi rushes forward to collect pieces of the shattered cup, but Akiko holds an arm out to stop her. 

“Your leg was already infected when you got here. I had no choice.” 

“Bullshit! Where’s all your medicine huh?! Doctors know more than to just saw off someone’s goddamn leg!” 

Sumi watches with worry as Akiko picks up the pieces of the cup, listening to every word of hate pouring out of the slayer’s mouth with nothing to say back. Once she’s done picking up the shattered shards, she folds them into a nearby cloth before throwing them out in a bin on her way out of the room. 

“Akiko-san…” Sumi calls out weakly, tugging at her hakama. “Are you okay?” 

“He’s in shock, Sumi. Let’s leave him be.” 

Akiko hates herself for crying by Tanjirou’s bedside the night after the slayer leaves. 

“Tanjirou, I’m not okay,” she cries silently, head buried into her arms near his side as she’s afraid to touch the multiple IVs. 

“You’ve been asleep for a month, Tanjirou. I don’t know how you got through your day with Nezuko asleep for two years… Your heart stops at random times and you break out into a fever every other day.” 

Akiko struggles to remember to breathe, hiccuping through her words with hands that shake when gripping the sheets. 

“This is such a stupid war… Tanjirou, we’re kids and we fight this awful war and I hate it now. I’m so afraid I’ll lose you again. But this time, it’ll be my fault because you’re laying right in front of me and I won’t be able to do anything!” 

Zenitsu returns to the estate later that night, and he hates how he can hear traces of Akiko’s crying. He finds her by Tanjirou’s bedside, her fingers barely wrapped Tanjirou’s own fingers. 

He frowns at her sound, regretting not coming back to the estate for so long and leaving Akiko to fight a mental war by herself for a month. 

So Zenitsu picks her up and carries her to her bed, tucking Akiko in and wiping the residue of tears from her face. 

she’s honestly just a big baby :,( 

thank you to @thunderandrainclouds​ for letting me use chiyo!! ngl i have,,, a fat crush on chiyo,,, let me wife up miyuki and chiyo gdi 

#bittle's murder of one #kimetsu no yaiba #kny #demon slayer #tamura akiko #akiko tamura #tanjiro #tanjirou #kamado tanjirou #tanjirou kamado

[morganisboringg]

Omegle friendship story ;-;

Stranger: m

You: hiya

You: f

Stranger: bonjour

You: hola

Stranger: im 18 bitchh

You: im 14 hoeee

Stranger: shidddd

Stranger: 😂😂

You: yeah im a childdd

Stranger: lmao

Stranger: yeah

Stranger: but im not a creepy guy so ur good 👌🏼

Stranger: hahaha

You: yeah ie had a 20 year old try to keep talking with me

You: and a 17 yr old ask if i have a nice ass XD ive delt with creepy guys XD

Stranger: hahaha dudes are horny

Stranger: used to be like that too but i realized its wrong

Stranger: so yeah just vibing rn

Stranger: 😤😤😤

You: yeah they are, i be vibin too im watching sky high B)

Stranger: lol

Stranger: im watching rick&morty

Stranger: im the ultimate virgin

You: lmaoooooo , i mean u have to also like game theory and film theory for that but ur close XD

Stranger: never heard of that

Stranger: 😂

You: theyre nerdy yt channels, they make theorys on games and films and shows and stuff

You: they have a bunch on rick and morty

Stranger: oh

Stranger: i watch some of those

Stranger: 😤😂

Stranger: im an ‘adult’ child

You: yeah i do too, i literally have their merch

Stranger: hahahaha

You: oh i hope to be an adult child bc gRosS adults

Stranger: yeah i dont wanna be an adult

You: me either, adults get stares when they only dress in hot topic clothes why would i want that

Stranger: hahahah yeah

Stranger: thats the reason i dont have a gf

Stranger: bc im too childish

You: well then u just havent found the right childish girl

Stranger: that is a fact

You: might i reccomend the single rider lines at like amusement parks XD

Stranger: hahaha why

You: ive seen plenty of dudes shoot there shot there bc the girls are by themselves then they get to ride a rollercoaster together

Stranger: hahah yeah thats fun

Stranger: maybe i wikk

Stranger: :)

You: yeah XD then if it works out a cute date at an amusement park!

Stranger: hahah yeah

Stranger: do u have a amusement park obsession

Stranger: lmaoo

You: uh- thats uniMPORTANTTT

Stranger: hahahhah

You: theres food and adreniline whats not to love!

Stranger: i love them too

Stranger: i once forced my cousin to ride the same coaster 12 times in a row

You: ive ridden king da ka the tallest rollercoaster in the world XD

Stranger: he puked after

You: lmaoooo sounds like smth id do

Stranger: hahaha

You: but then id just say again and go again XD

Stranger: hahahah same

Stranger: adter he threw up i went alone

Stranger: lmao

Stranger: dude i need some advice

You: sure

Stranger: my friends sister (shes 15) has a crush on me

Stranger: what do i do

You: oh shit uh- tell her shes too young

You: or like take her on a cute date but say its a friends date

You: thats a nice way to friend zone sm1

Stranger: yeah true

Stranger: its kinda weird

Stranger: my friend says he doesnt mind

Stranger: 😂

Stranger: but still wekrd

Stranger: weird

You: well thats uh getting to chris hansen levels so gotta shoot her down lmao

Stranger: yeah hahaha

You: but like yk when like a little sisters older siblings s/o would take them on a "date" to show them how to be treated u could do that- idk

Stranger: yeah idkk

Stranger: we shall see

You: we shall broski, just uh dont do anything that chris hansen would ask u to sit down with him over XD

Stranger: hahahah

Stranger: i have no idea who that is

Stranger: oh i looked it up

You: yeah XD

Stranger: lmao

Stranger: yeah like it is weird but not the age difference

Stranger: 3 years is not a lot

You: oh abt the friends sibling thing? XD

Stranger: ya

You: ik 3 years isnt alot in like the grand scheme of stuff but NOW 3 years is the difference between 6th graders and freshman and thats really weird

Stranger: yeah true true

You: and abt them being a friends sibling, um dont pull a kissing booth and be all dating behind everyones back- that movie was weird in general smh

Stranger: hahah

Stranger: yeah i wont

Stranger: his mom told me i would be a good son in law

You: LMAO too soon??

Stranger: 😂

Stranger: yeah right ilnow

You: 1) u arent even dating and 2) u think its weird

You: that would creep me tf out

Stranger: yeah but i dont really care

Stranger: i take it as a compliment

Stranger: it means im nice

You: yeah, im just a generally akward perso so XD

Stranger: hahahaha

You: but like uh if u dont wanna date a friends sibling dont, in most movies thats like number one best friend code no dating sibkings

Stranger: yeah i dont really care if my friend doesnt mins

Stranger: but i dont like her

Stranger: i like someone else

Stranger: and she doesnt like me back

Stranger: 🙃🙂

You: oh cool, aw that suckss u seem really chill and have a good personality so idk whats not to like thats prob my pansexual talking tho XD

Stranger: hahha

Stranger: ur attracted to pans?

Stranger: thanks lmao yeah idk

You: no i came out of the pantry smh

Stranger: 🤯🤯🤯🤯

You: common misconseption XD

Stranger: yeah shes my girl best friend

Stranger: so thats why she doesnt like me

Stranger: but maybe some daaaaaayv

You: oooo thats a hard place to get out of the f r i e n d z o n e

Stranger: ivee been tryyiiiiiiiing

Stranger: to make u love meeee

Stranger: but everything i try

You: *blasts u belong with me by taylor swift on a boombox* now go stand outside her window

Stranger: just takes you further from me

You: XD

Stranger: ghost town by kanye west is such a good song

You: oh i dont think ive listened to it lmao too much emo music and musicals

Stranger: you like kid cudi

You: who..? ugh i feel stupid not knowing stuff

Stranger: ur too young

Stranger: hes a legend

Stranger: makes good music u should listen to him

Stranger: kind of drug/depresion related

You: oh okay, that sounds like smth id listen too XD

Stranger: listen to love. by him on youtube or soundcloud

Stranger: it isnt on spotify

You: oh okay, i use amazon music like a loser XD

Stranger: oh

Stranger: yeah its only on yt or soundcloud lmao

Stranger: hahah doesnt matter right

You: yeah lmao

You: u wanna be friends? its ok to say no cause im 14 XD

You: im morgan btw whats ur name?

Stranger: hahaha aw thats a nice thing to ask

Stranger: but i just came on here to twlk to random people :( sorry

You: im not good at the whole "making friends" thing so idk what to do but ask lmao

Stranger: my name is julian

You: oh okay

Stranger: im sure u will make friends some day

You: OMG ofc its julian- i meet guys with m names or julius/julians never anything else

Stranger: hahaha what do y mean

You: i mean in the past week ive met a mike, mikey, and a mick then ive met like 4 julius' and 2 julians

Stranger: ahhaha wow

Stranger: thats funny

You: i swear idk what is up but smth is

You: my fbi agent is on smth ig

Stranger: hahahhahaha

Stranger: tryna set u up

You: yeah they want either an m&m or m j XD just m&ms or michael jackson IDFK XD

Stranger: haahahah

Stranger: so when did u find out u were pan sexual

You: uh when i was 11 i thinkk

Stranger: wow

Stranger: when i was 11 i was eating boogers out of my nose

You: yeah i knew i wasnt straight since like pre school girls are just too cute lmao

You: lmao thanks for sharing

Stranger: that is a facr

Stranger: women are cute

You: yeah they are XD

Stranger: hahaha

You: ummm idk what to talk abt now lol

Stranger: yeah me too lol

You: uh do u like heathers? like the movie or the musical

Stranger: never heard of it

You: REALLY??

You: my friends saying to skip u smh but i wouldnt dare

Stranger: what do u mean hahah

You: heathers is like a cult classic 80s movie like breakfast club or 16 candles or the outsiders

Stranger: ohh ok hahah

Stranger: i dont watch a lit of old movies

You: u know what those are right? especially the outsiders?

Stranger: only fiction

Stranger: never heard of them

You: U HAVENT???

You: OMG I SWEARR IF I KNEW U IRL ID LIKE FORCE U TO WATCH IT ITS THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD MMMMMMm

Stranger: whats sliced bread

Stranger: 😂😂😂😂

Stranger: i swear i dont watch movies

You: like a loaf of bread XD its an expression

Stranger: oh lolllll

You: but like look up dallas winston MMMMM I LOVE THAT MAN

Stranger: hahah ok

Stranger: this was a fun talk dude hahah

Stranger: i ahve to go eat rn

You: okay byee nice talk too bad we cant be friends i wish u luck <3

Stranger: were kind of stranger friends

Stranger: so count me as a friend

Stranger: :S

You: okay too bad after this we'll never talk again

You: S?

Stranger: idk lmao

Stranger: yeah but thats life

Stranger: byeee 😘

You: yeah it is byeeee

Stranger has disconnected.

#omegle meirl

[crystalinn]

I haven’t posted about this here yet, but boy howdy has my life been A Mess™️ of late.

TW: medical talk, high stress situations, mentions of blood under the cut

This is a very long post, so a mild TL;DR: ma’s sick and this is me for eternity now (loud noises in video): 

Picture it. November 10th (ish. Time is hard.). The motherbeast came down with a case of viral bronchitis. She got a few days off work to recover. 

A couple days pass. She went back to work. Her manager sent her in the cooler for two hours. 

An immediate downturn ft. a fall out of bed that took 45 minutes to fix, heavy panting, confusion, the whole lot. She went to the Express ER. They said “oh hey, your viral bronchitis has become full blown pneumonia. You’re goin’ to the Real Hospital™️ for two days. See if you respond well.” Turns out, she did, at first. 

About a week or two of what seemed like solid improvement all came crashing back down when her return to work arrived. She went back to work... or tried to. She went to step onto the curb and gravity said no. She faceplanted the pavement, and the ambulance was called. A thorough concussion check later, and her manager drove her and her truck home. The next day, she went back to the Express ER, and they said “oh shit, your lung xray is worse than last time. Back to the Hospital for you.” 

That stay was nine days long. She was tested for tuberculosis (which came back negative, thankfully), and had a PICC line installed. During said stay, she did get rather confused and agitated, as it was near the end of the month and the rent needed paid. She called me in the middle of the night, asking me to move her IV... despite me being at home. So that was a thing.

After she came home on the 4th of this month (December), I had to start administering her PICC line antibiotics, every 8 hours. Did y’all know that cefepime (a bigboi antibiotic) smells like someone doing unholy things to eggs? Sulfuric smelling bullshit, that. Had some hiccups there, what with massive air bubbles in the line and getting the infusion orb stuck on the line. We were supposed to be done the 25th. Then she went to her new primary care doctor, and it was extended to the 6th of January, which h.

Anyway, fast forward to the 23rd. Mum was out with a pal, getting some groceries, and some Miralax ‘cause... y’know, and she fell on her ass. At this point, falling down is like a glowing neon red flag. She came home, was a bit wobbly, but was generally okay. Her primary care doctor called after the home health nurses stole some blood to tell her that her potassium levels are critical. A friend/my ‘adopted’ brotherbeast, Frank, brought her a fuckton of bananas that night. 

Now this is where it gets real fuckin’ spicy. The morning of the 24th, after we get done with the 7am orb, I gave her a dose of Miralax. She was fine, until the 3pm orb, when severe gut cramps showed up. Those lasted until about midnight when things... moved along. After that, shit went downhill fast. I put her to bed after orb times at 11 pm, and she kept waking up. As time went on, she got more and more confused. Like, she knew general things, in a kinda slow way, but she could not follow directions. On the morning of the 25th (fucking Christmas.), things had reached its boiling point. She was very confused, unable to focus, slurring words. I rang up a friend, Sandy (who has been a massive help this whole time of Fuckery), to get her to the ER. This triggered a complete meltdown. It took both of us to get her out of her chair, not to mention the sudden burst of confused crying and begging not to go. 

We finally managed to get her there, and the ER’s like “yo this looks like a stroke, so we’re gonna keep her, do an MRI or three, and get back to you.” Turns out she was very dehydrated, currently has a UTI, and is still a bit... shall we say, fucked up. But, the MRI came out clean, but there was some issue with the PICC with like, a blood clot, but they cleaned it out, so they let her go on the 26th. 

But just wait for it... I put her to bed pretty much as soon as she got home, ‘cause she doesn’t sleep in the hospital. Makes sense, right? I went to check on her at about 8, and she was unable to really comply with requests/commands/questions. I’d ask “what’s your name?”, I’d get her name (most of the time), but when I’d ask “when’s your birthday?”, I’d get her name again. Or the fact she lost her PICC line cap, and I’d ask her to hold the newly sterilized port so it wouldn’t touch anything, she’d say okay, take it, and immediately drop it. Repeatedly. 

I broke down whilst on the phone with my dad because everything has been too much of late, and eventually put her back to bed to wait for the 11pm orb. 

11pm rolled around... and well. I couldn’t get her to wake up. She’d react to me poking and prodding her by making noise and moving away, but she would not wake up. Not properly. So, I called the on call home health nurse to see if she could help, and she pretty much told me to just call an ambulance. Not wanting the expense because I live in Hell the US, I called my dad. He helped me try to wake her up over the phone, but she flat refused. I was left with no choice. So, I called the ambulance, and just before they knocked on the door, she sat up like “huh?” but extra confused. She almost didn’t go to the hospital because she said “nah, I don’t want to go” but one of the EMTs was like “nah, you gotta go.”

So, she spent about 8 hours in the ER, and they told me that they can’t keep her since she was mostly lucid, but they did float an Idea (a skilled nursing facility, at least until she got her ducks in a row) to her that was immediately denied, but with some prodding from me, she finally agreed. So they moved her upstairs from the ER to keep her until they can find a facility in the Blue Cross/Blue Shield network that’s reasonably local. The one that came to visit yesterday turned out to not be, and I’m pretty sure the dude kicked it back to the Case Supervisor to see if they can find another. But, after they moved her into her room, she’s cleared up quite a bit. 

She’s still a bit slow on the uptake sometimes, a bit unfocused, and can get caught out in the grapes mentally, but she has improved a lot. 

Oh, and another thing she’s been doing is fighting me re: eating since the first go around. Bread’s a texture issue, rice is hard to eat without teeth, and everything else “smells bad” (which, since she’s quit smoking as of that second hospital stay... I understand, but you gotta sometimes push past that.) I did manage bananas though. Thank fuck for those. 

But, back to the plot: today (the 28th) was a decent day. Much clearer, less starts and stops in her speech. A bit more focused. She didn’t manage to sleep last night, so she was kinda tired. Had another MRI, but we won’t know about that until probably tomorrow (the 29th). Maybe. Had some PICC issues, though. The nurse got the cefepime running just fine, then mum had to use the bathroom, and when she came out, the machine started screaming bloody murder. After that, the nurse came back and tried to flush the line, since the cefepime was unable to run, and when she took the syringe off, the saline shot right back out... which ain’t supposed to happen. Hit me, the nurse, mum, the bed... probably got the windows too. So they’re working on that, and hopefully they figure it out.

Had my own woes at the hospital today, too. The sole of my boot fell off, so my ride/friend/adopted sister?, Sandy, went to walmart and got me some Heavy Duty Superglue, which I got it about half way stuck before we had to leave... then when we were pulling into the parking lot at home, the nurse in charge called to ask some questions about the PICC, the antibiotic, how long it’d been there, how long she was supposed to be on it, the pharmacy’s number, all that. So I went to get out of the car, my coke bottle fell out of my pocket, started rolling under the car, and I overextended. Fell right on my knees. They are not happy. Took a hot minute to get my dumb ass off the ground, without hurting Sandy, who is like 5′2″ and v smol. I am 5′6″ and... decidedly not. Plus the bonus rain.

UPDATE 12/29/2019: the diverticulitis has made a reappearance. It’s like everything is just It’s free real estate.

UPDATE 12/31/2019: Around 2 am this morning, she managed to roll out of bed and whack her head pretty good on something. They did a CT scan, and it came out clean. No concussion. However, now she has a sitter/keeper/minder to make sure she doesn’t do it again. It’s a good thing the nurses heard her fall, ‘cause despite being armed, the bed alarm didn’t go off. I know of all of this, ‘cause the hospital called me at 3 this morning, and boy howdy that’s a gut drop, let me tell you. But, better a CT ride and a bump on her noggin vs. the alternative. Sure is one thing after a-fucking-nother, ain’t it though.

UPDATE 1/1/2020: 2019 keep your problems challenge: she's had a major mental shift again, and now she's really groggy, really confused... So the hospital moved her to the ICU and called me for consent on a spinal tap, just to make sure they're not missing anything. Other than that, they've done x-rays and another CT, I think to check her spine, hips, the one leg she's been having issues with. The doctors also think that it may be the cefepime causing this altered mental state, and after doing some digging, boy howdy I sure believe it. Cephalosporins are some nasty fuckers.

So! That’s been my month and a half! I’d like to take a break now, please!

EDIT: Further updates found here.

#medical tw // #high stress situations tw // #mentions of blood // #honestly this is more of a log for me in a more concrete area than discord #but if anyone's interested in the Fuckening that is my life rn #have at it

[midoriyaizukustan-inactive]

anyway now that ive been in the fandom for a bit i think its time i called myself out and say that i. Love shiniida

hear me out. neutral good, disaster bi iida with true neutral, functional gay shinsou? we stan.

like just consider for a second. shinsou goes to talk with midoriya to get some closure abt their fight in the sports festival and obv talking to midoriya means having to be near his two besties iida and uraraka

anyway midoriya draws shinsou in like the sun he is and so he ends up kinda friends with iida and uraraka as well. along the line they become full-fledged friends esp when he starts doing extra training w them in addition to the training hes gettin from aizawa so he can “”keep up with you hero course nerds”” (in his own words)

anyway so he starts hangin out with the izucrew more and consequently. iida.

iida is the mom/dad friend (depends on his mood that day which one he is) so he usually organizes some hangouts that r also study groups. and now that shinsou is his friend, iida invites him as well

im thinkin eventually iida and shinsou figure out that iida has a strong suit in math but is weak in language, but shinsou is vice versa, so they decide to arrange extra study sessions so they can get the extra tutoring they feel they need

and finally,,,,the pining™ begins

im honestly not quite sure How they fall for each other or how long it would take buuuuuuut……,.,.

iida would definitely admire shinsou’s drive and determination and i feel he’d be rlly charmed by him once he got passed shinsou’s distant, kinda hostile first impression. like once he got passed shinsou’s kinda defenses and saw the tired, funky dude he is that loves cats and sweaters, iida’s poor bi heart wouldnt stand a chance, not even a second. iida would definitely think shinsou’s love for cats/all things cute is adorable. also i think iida would be exasperated w shinsou’s hair but like in the Fondest Way possible. at first he’s like “shinsou u gotta try to brush ur hair!” and shinsou is like “u can try it wont do anything” and hes right it Doesnt. but eventually the messy style grows on iida and he finds he wants to run his hands thro it,,,also iida at first kinda doesnt get shinsou’s sense of humor but he eventually learns to love it

shinsou on the other hand would be softly disgruntled abt how iida cares for him with what i call the Aggressive Affection. cause iida is just like “shinsou! its past 12 am! i would advise you get some rest now” and he wont stop badgering him until shinsou at least turns off his phone and like “shinsou! i made u breakfast bc u slept in late! u can eat it while we walk to class together!” and hands him some cute lil breakfast thing that keeps shinsou’s hands warm while they walk in the morning air. and at first shinsou is like “bruh” but eventually knowing that iida cares so much makes him feel all warm inside,,,,,, and shinsou Would 100 percent find iida’s chopping motions and general gestures he makes when he talks Adorable As Fuck. and he thinks its sweet that iida cares so much abt helpin him academically as well as heroically

anyway i think shinsou would realize his feelings first bc iida is,,,a disaster,,,and he would freak the fuck out becuz oh shit thats quite the distraction from becoming a hero student

iida notices when shinsou starts to avoid him and he gets really sad :[ and it rlly starts to bother him so he tries asking shinsou what he did wrong but shinsou is always in a flustered panic and its like “OHHH LOOK AT THE TIME GOT,,,GENERAL DEPARTMENT THINGS TO DO,,,,GOTTA GO BYE IIDA” so when asking shinsou doesnt work iida tries to ask his friends if they can think of anything but theyre just as confused as he is bc they didnt even realize shinsou was distancing himself. this just makes iida feel even worse bc that means its Just Him that shinsou’s avoiding so its Clear that he did do smth wrong

eventually he calls tensei abt it and tensei kinda calms him down abt it thank you tensei

meanwhile aizawa is like “what,,,is wrong with my child” bc hes not dumb hes observant as hell and he knows shinsou’s been acting kinda skittish lately esp during training so eventually after training one day aizawa sits him down and is like “im not letting u leave until u tell me why ur so freaked out lately” shinsou tries to fight to escape but aizawa is a Pro Hero and shinsou has only been training for a couple months now so he doesnt make it lmfao rip eventually shinsou gets out that he has a crush (how embarrassing poor guy probably wanted to spontaneously combust when he admitted it) and that he doesnt know what to do with it and aizawa is just like “wow mood”

no but really aizawa calls up mic and is like “hi yes hello ur the distinguished gay in this relationship can u give our dumb son some advice”

so mic swoops in and probably embarrasses shinsou a lil bit but overall shinsou accepts his feelings a little more after the talk so thats Something thanks mic

anyway so this pining goes on for a while longer with iida feeling :[ and shinsou feeling bad but like not knowing what to do dkjfjkf. like after the talk w mic it isnt nearly as bad as it was but shinsou’s still awkward and iida can still tell smth abt their relationship has gotten a little stilted :[ but then the joint training exercise happens and its reveled that shinsou is GOING INTO THE HERO COURSE BABEY!!!!!!!

iida is So Excited that he lifts our boy up and spins him around!!! and shinsou is so FUCKING gay he doesnt know how to function once hes put back on the ground smfh so much for being a functional gay huh shinsou

anyway iida starts apologizing profusely like “im so sorry shinsou my excitement just got the better of me and i hope i didnt make you uncomfortable but im so happy for you-!” and shinsou’s like “im in love with you” iida probably passes out lbr

no but both FREAK OUT over that confession and like its so fucking funny bc it was in front of EVERYONE and aizawa just fucking facepalms bc god why does his dumb kid have to take after him so much smh

anyway EVENTUALLY iida and shinsou calm down and before shinsou can Sprint the Fuck Away, iida is like “i!!!!! love you too!!! not as just a friend!!!” and shinsou hides his face in his mask/capture weapon and iida is just kinda bashfully holding his helmet close to his chest and HHH I LOVE MY BOYS………….

anyway they talk and shinsou is like “yeah so im sorry for being weird this past month and a half its because feelings” and iida is like “OHHHH i thought i did something wrong omg” and so they clear that up w each other and start dating. and they are. Adorable. THE couples’ goals in the izucrew. u wish u were as cute as them

iida reading on the couch w shinsou layin down on him?? iida reading TO him while he’s layin down on him in an attempt to help lull him to sleep??? oh my fucking god. thats so good. shinsou brings snacks to their study dates (and theyre actually iida’s idea of regularly scheduled dates someone help shinsou djkfjk) to make sure that they both actually get some food in them. TRAINING TOGETHER,…,..both get v flustered at first but then they get used to it,,im soft

just….my boys….thank you for your consideration. uhh stan shiniida

#ive been thinking abt this for over a month dudes. over a MONTH #im so invested in shiniida even tho theres NO CANON STUFF FOR IT AT ALL #WHY AM I LIKE THIS DJKENJKTNKENKFNK #me: i like well-established canon ships #also me: shhghnknkjenkngjknj shiniida.... #god theyre so good though #theyd be so great together i really think theyd bring out good sides of each other #hhhh theyre so soft #IM so soft for them #fuck #i p much said all i wanted to say in the post and im honestly drained from writing that all out but dudes. bros. #i cannot even but it into comprehensible coherent words how much i love shinsou hitoshi and iida tenya and their potential #its absolutely staggering #i adore them both so much #comfort characters........to the max.......... #anyway im srs im drained so im gonna stop for now #but do not be fooled #this will Not be the last shiniida post i ever make #i love these boys and i Will feed my craving for content of them #even if the way to do that is to create content myself #hhh i love them #ok #c makes a word #textpost #tp #bnha #boko no hero academia #mha #my hero academia #my hero academy

[flockofdoves]

gotta sleep but seriously considering if i should quit this job everyones nice and its only been 2.5 weeks but god my chronic pain and fatigue has been flaring up so much worse between how dramatically different my hours are each day so i never can get adequate sleep and then being on my feet doing physical labor 4-9 hours almost every day and the customers (that much is unavoidable but in combo tho..) i’m been constantly in so much pain and at first i was just like ‘oh its bc im out of shape my muscles are just growing’ but i cant eat or sleep properly on this schedule its constantly rushing you to do something and it makes me so upset because i think i could do fine if i just had like. a fucking chair or could mix up what i do so its not hust constant pressure on my right arm (esp since im short i slice at an awkward angle our tables are taller than im used to slicing on) and if having us understaffed constantly wasnt a well known business strategy bc keeping us high strung and overstaffed and getting out late constantly is more profitable than having adequate staffing and getting out on time without mistakes. and i like that they pay us every week but hate only getting a schedule for the next week like not even 2 weeks even though we have to notify them of absences 15+ days ahead so idk what im doing sunday til thursday evening and ig thats making me more depressed than it normally would because ive finally been hanging out with friends in chicago and then my cousin is visiting who i havent seen in 12 years but i havent had the time to do anything with anyone. mostly though im just in so much physical pain and am constantly sleep deprived and that actually resulted in me bumping a car today (no damage fortunately but i almost had a panic attack in the middle of my street it was so embarrassing i was just parking and had to call my mom to come doen bc i didnt know how insurance stuff worked and so many people saw it)

and i feel so dumb for it ive only worked on shift 11 days so far and have been hired for a little less than a month and all my coworkers are so nice and id feel guilty to leave them when even with me theyre so clearly understaffed even though thats not my fault but god idk how im gonna sustain this. i dont know how to compromise my health and my tendency to flake out when things are hard but here i genuinely think this is too much i just at least want a job i can sit at... maybe even ideally one with more regular hours or schedules with 2 weeks notice instead of one.. but god even that is so hard to find like intellectually its not surprising i know how capitalism works and the reserve army of labor and all but god idk. i guess i keep having hope it might be Somewhat okay for me but its really just so hard no matter what. i dont know how to balance being kind to myself and my body with also freling stupid about claiming i “cant” do it when i know people who are similarly chronically ill who dont have petty bourgeois family who still largely financially support them and so cant quit jobs that are slowly destroying them like this. like of course none of use should have to deal with this but its so scary what does it mean to me to confront that ive seen statistics that 50% of people with both fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome are unemployed. i wouldnt think it of anyone else but im so useless as a leech on my loved ones and havent even been involved with organizing this past month either

anyways. if anyone knows jobs where you can

sit

not do too much repetitive body motions ideally

will allow me to fit 9 hours of sleep into my schedule each day

i dont need a college degree

have a semi regular or reliable schedule to plan around

i know thats asking a lot out of an “entry level” job rven with my 2 years experience in food service/ordering inventory/catering/marketing/etc from my coop but id love ideas lol. or just general advice i hate this shit so much

#cpost

[werewolfwilds]

i redid an ask meme that i had originally done ~3 years ago to see the comparison so for archiving purposes im putting it in a lil journal entry here ! i wanna start doing small journal entries again it was fun when i did that

new answers bolded

1) what images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers?

my desktop bg is literally just…. a collage of kageyama manga screencaps a h a,,,, and my cellphone bg are drawings some gay drew me like 74724 years ago :v // my desktop rn is actually a background from one of the dmmd routes LMFAO..... idk which one it is but i’ve always liked those bg pics!! my cell lock screen is p5 art and my bg is leopika

2) have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

nooooope // nah

3) what was your last text message?

my phone is dead so i wouldnt be able to tell you lmfao i dont even remember // it was a gif from kelly lol

4) what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?

hopefully working a job i enjoy and making costumes and being happy!! // god i have no idea and it freaks me out... hopefully working,,

5) if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?

hoommee ((or at katsucon tbh)) // at the beach with friends maybe

6) what was your coolest halloween costume?

a white cat probably lmao // i dont think ive ever had a particularly exciting halloween costume but one year i was sharpay from high school musical and i think i peaked then tbh

7) what was your favorite 90s show?

uhhhh….. i didnt really… start watching tv until like… the 2000′s so i really cant tell you man lol // spongebob started in 1999 does that coUNT,

8) who was your last kiss?

(answer redacted) // :/ someone should kiss me so i can change this answer lmao

9) have you ever been stood up?

nope //  nah

10) favorite ice cream flavor?

vanilla w/ vanilla oreos ok u need to underst a n d // this hasn’t changed i haven’t had this particular ice cream in a long time but i still stand by it

11) have you been to las vegas?

nahh // nope

12) your favorite pair of shoes?

idk i have these black ones i wear everywhere lol // i have a pair of white sneakers that i refuse to stop wearing now

13) honestly, have you ever cheated on your significant other?

i wouldnt even consider it. // no bc i’m not a piece of shit lmao?

14) what is your favorite fruit?

hmmm…. pineapple orrr…. strawberries but only if they’re the really good kind like they have to be perfect // pineapple!!

15) have you talked to anyone on tumblr that you could see yourself  dating/having sex with? if possible?

….. ye s… yes. // in the past apparently so but thinking about it now nah lol

16) are you into hookups? short or long term relationships?

hookups arent my thing eh i prefer long term relationships altho i cant really say ive been in a “long” term relationship pffff // i don’t think hookups will ever be my thing, emotionally long term relationships are what i’m here for but i’m also a Very Impulsive Person so i cant tell you if this will stay a fact :’)

17) do you smoke? if so, what?

nope dont wanna // no thanks

18) what do you do to get over your anger?

usually talk to people or shout into word // i have to vent about it to someone probably a thousand times even months or years after it happens tbh

19) do you believe in god?

nahh // nah

20) does the person you’re in love with know it?

i aint in love with anyone rn so no? // i’m not in love with anyone.

21) favorite position?

………….. for w hat………. // oh honey lmfao... N/A

22) what’s your horoscope sign?

virgo/ox ovob // Virgo/sun, Aries/moon, Libra/rising and Cancer/midheaven

23) your fears?

literally everything i already named a few so ill name some others… ghh anything in… the ocean or lakes and stuff frightens me and i really dont know why bu tlike…. fish and crabs and jellyfish and seaweed cuz it’s evil and stu f f basically anything that’s not a mammal or turtles or penguins…. lo l im a baby // uncertainty is a big fear of mine and also people being mad at me lmao... as far as physical fears though i have debilitating fears of almost all insects/arachnids and lobsters/shrimp/crawfish :^)))))

24) how many pets do you have? what kind?

two cats and a dog!! // one cat one dog

25) what never fails to turn you on?

i dunno,,/////// // lol neck biting/kissing oof

26) your idea of a perfect first date?

im okay with mostly anything i just really like spending time with the person ; v ; // i’ve never really had an answer for this? thinking about dates has always made me so anxious for whatever reason but i’ll be happy to just spend time with them doing whatever honestly, i’m a super indecisive person aha

27) what is something most people don’t know about you?

i dont really know tbh lmfao // i’ve considered in the past looking into mental conditions (anxiety/bpd/etc) to see if i might have one or two but i never want to say anything about it because i don’t want to self-diagnose anything.

28) what makes you feel the happiest?

nice weather and nice conversations w/ best people u//v//u // nice weather and hanging out with people who are fun and easy to talk to

29) what store do you shop at most often?

does….. arda wigs count or… // does arda wigs still count bc mood lmao but truthfully now it’s probably target

30) how do you feel about oral? giving and/or receiving?

kkdkjsfkjkjfj??fsfj/// go for i t??? i have no problems with i t??? i dont think ill ever be willing to put a dick in my mouth though // these random sexual questions thrown in here are something aren’t they lmao. not going to disclose much but i will stand by the fact that i will not put a dick in my mouth lo l

31) do you believe in karma?

sometimes ye // i believe that people will eventually get what’s coming to them but i don’t believe in karma as a solid concept if that makes sense? like i don’t think it’s guaranteed

32) are you single?

yup yup // yeah it’s been wild lmao

33) do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize?

i think being sincere is the best way to apologize– if you truly mean it the person will know. you dont need to buy your forgiveness. // the best way to apologize is just to apologize sincerely and change your behavior if it’s applicable.

34) are you a good swimmer?

ehh??? im ok i guess– i took swimming lessons as a kid but i havent done legit swimming ever since then lmao,, ive always been best at the backstroke tho yea // i mean i have the ability to swim but i’m not olympic-worthy or anything lmao

35) coffee or tea?

ehhh im not big on either tbh // chocolate milk and you can fight me

36) online shopping or shopping in person?

depends what your shopping for i guess?? online is more relaxed i guess // online probably because shopping in person Gives Me Anxiety

37) would you rather be older or younger than your current age?

ehhh im happy where i am tbh // older

38) cats or dogs?

do not make me choose // cats and dogs* there i fixed it for you

39) are you a competitive person?

ahaa,,,,, oh god yeah,, // OOF yeah

40) do you believe in aliens?

i believe there’s life on other planets somewhere?? so i guess?? // i believe in aliens in the sense that there’s no way we are the only living life forms in the universe but not in the science-fiction way you feel me

41) do you like dancing?

i do but i suck at it lmao // i do but i: A- suck, and B- have no stamina

42) what kind of music to you listen to?

nearly everything tbh // i’m not picky when it comes to music but imma be real w u. almost all of the music on my phone is kpop. seventeen is my favorite group along with astro, and i also enjoy super junior, shinee, red velvet, etc among so many others,,, im pretty wide spread !

43) what is your favorite cartoon character?

i will never be able to pick just one // i’ll literally never be able to answer this

44) where are you from?

philadelphia uvu // philly!

45) eat at home or eat out?

hmmm at home. // at home

46) how much more social are you when you’re drunk?

i never plan on being drunk tyvm // i’ve never consumed alcohol in my life and to be Quite Fucking Honest i want nothing to do with it

47) what was the last thing you bought for yourself?

bracelets ! ; u ; // uh... excluding food and music... earrings i think

48) why do you think your followers follow you?

uhhhhhhh lmfao i have no idea i think… a good amount are for my cosplays at least?? or id like to think so lmfao but i really dont know pfft // my followers have just accumulated and hung around over the years... i know i gained a good amount from my snk days as arlert-the-troops and then through my haikyuu phase, whether it was for my cosplay or other posts that i made... whenever someone follows me now im not entirely sure what its for but i appreciate everyone who’s stuck around!

49) how many hours do you sleep at night?

it’s never regular man // 6-9 (lol) hours is pretty normal for me

50) what worries you most about the future?

everything tbh // the future as a concept worries me lol

#useless shouting #journal crap #sorry for so many personal posts lately ive been having fun with them lmfao

[twerkhammett]

1-154

Holy fuck, good thing I have a long train ride😂1. Full nameAngelica DeLillo2. Age213. 3 fearsFailure, getting snatched up one of these nights im on the train alone, losing the people i care about4. 3 things I loveNik, food, and our cat5. 4 turn onsBiting, slapping (ass face and tits), being tied up or held down, and when he gets that mean look on his face and i know hes gonna be really rough with me ugh6. 4 turn offsI have had these experiences with almost every person I've been with except Nik..bad hygiene, being rushed (you cum yet?), bad oral and when i tell them what would feel good they dont listen..and worst of all sex that feels half assed. They just want to cum real quick, theres no passion or effort, they don't care if they please you at all. Fucking horrible..7. My best friendIn cali my best friend here besides Nik is Ashley, and I get to live with them both its awesome! In Florida I cant choose one cuz ive known them all forever and love those dudes..Mels, Denzel, Brauston, and Alicia8. Sexual orientationBisexual9. My best first dateWith Nikolas obviously 😉10. How tall i am5'611. What do I missMy friends and family back home12: What time were I born3:55pm13: Favourite colorGreen14: Do I have a crushOn my boyfriend😂15: Favourite quoteIdk man16: Favourite placeHard to choose one, maybe my bed😂17: Favourite foodI hate favorites..pizza and wings18: Do I use sarcasmNever :)19: What am I listening to right nowSlayer 20: First thing I notice in new personIf they're fuckin rude or not21: Shoe size822: Eye colorBrown23: Hair colorLight brownish? Auburn?24: Favourite style of clothingBlack25: Ever done a prank call?Yup27: Meaning behind my URLKirk twerkin28: Favourite movieKung Fury29: Favourite songCant choose30: Favourite bandStill cant choose my dude31: How I feel right nowMeh32: Someone I loveNik33: My current relationship statusIn love af its disgusting34: My relationship with my parentsPretty good these days35: Favourite holidayHalloween36: Tattoos and piercing i haveNips, lips, and ears37: Tattoos and piercing i wantA lot, whenever i get the money..38: The reason I joined TumblrMels made me join lol39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?I don't think he hates me, but i hate his bitch ass..40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?I used to get them from Nik but we live together so now he can just tell me lol41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?This morning42: When did I last hold hands?Yesterday43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?15mins, its caffeinating myself that can take time44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?Noooope45: Where am I right now?On BART46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?Nik, been a while since thats happened tho47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?Loud48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?Nope49: Am I excited for anything?For class to be over so i can relax lol...haven't even got there yet50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?Nik, Denzel, Brauston51: How often do I wear a fake smile?At work lmao52: When was the last time I hugged someone?Does my cat count? An hour ago lol53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?This would never happen, but I would go to jail if it did lol54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?Not that i know of?55: What is something I disliked about today?Nik had to work early and I've been sexually frustrated af56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?James57: What do I think about most?Nik and food are tied i think58: What’s my strangest talent?Idk59: Do I have any strange phobias?Eh not really60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?Behind61: What was the last lie I told?Not sure, probably at work lol62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?On the phone63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?Aliens yeah64: Do I believe in magic?Nah65: Do I believe in luck?Not really66: What’s the weather like right now?64 and clear skys67: What was the last book I’ve read?Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?Yesss69: Do I have any nicknames?Besides the ones Nik has for me no70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?Cut my knee open71: Do I spend money or save it?That shits gone pretty fast dont get to spend it on anything fun tho haha72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?Nah73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?My backpack has some pink on it74: Favourite animal?My cat😂75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?Fucking76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?Trump77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?Nightcrawler78: How can you win my heart?Be Nikolas or James Hetfield79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?Nothing80: What is my favorite word?Fuck81: My top 5 blogs on tumblrIdk man i like a lot of yall82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?Someone please assasinate the orange one83: Do I have any relatives in jail?Not that i know of84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?Invisibility or time travel85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?Not sure86: What is my current desktop picture?Some nature pic bc i havent change it87: Had sex?On a daily basis my dude88: Bought condoms?Yes89: Gotten pregnant?No90: Failed a class?Yup91: Kissed a boy?Yup92: Kissed a girl?Yep93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?Yes, Nik94: Had job?Sadly95: Left the house without my wallet?Fucking yes!!!96: Bullied someone on the internet?No lol97: Had sex in public?A few days ago lmao98: Played on a sports team?Yep99: Smoked weed?This is where my extra money goes..sigh100: Did drugs?Nothing crazy but yeah101: Smoked cigarettes?Yes102: Drank alcohol?Yeah103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?Noo104: Been overweight?Nope105: Been underweight?Nope106: Been to a wedding?Yep107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?Yes lol108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?Yeah109: Been outside my home country?Not yet, but I plan on it110: Gotten my heart broken?Yeah couple years ago111: Been to a professional sports game?Yep112: Broken a bone?My finger lol113: Cut myself?A while ago114: Been to prom?Nope115: Been in airplane?Yes116: Fly by helicopter?No but I want to!!117: What concerts have I been to?Megadeth, Metallica, Exodus, Testament, Carcass, Slayer, Midnight, Kreator, Obituary, Children of Bodom, Rammstein, and a few more but those were the best ones118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?Quite a few times119: Learned another language?Some German and some ASL120: Wore make up?I wear mascara121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?Yeah122: Had oral sex?Yupppppp123: Dyed my hair?Yes124: Voted in a presidential election?Yep!125: Rode in an ambulance?Nope126: Had a surgery?No127: Met someone famous?Nope128: Stalked someone on a social network?A while ago hahah129: Peed outside?Yep130: Been fishing?Yes131: Helped with charity?I donate to greenpeace monthly132: Been rejected by a crush?Sorta133: Broken a mirror?Im sure I have, I def had a big ass mirror fall on my fuckin head one time tho!134: What do I want for birthday?Some dick😂135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?2 max, no idea about names, havent thought about it much136: Was I named after anyone?No137: Do I like my handwriting?Its a bit sloppy but yeah138: What was my favourite toy as a child?Barbies lol139: Favourite Tv Show?DBZ😂140: Where do I want to live when older?The forest, somewhere in Colorado maybe141: Play any musical instrument?Not well lol142: One of my scars, how did I get it?Accidentally stabbed myself at work143: Favourite pizza toping?Mushrooms144: Am I afraid of the dark?No, I need it to sleep145: Am I afraid of heights?A bit146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?Yes lmao, many times by my dad usually147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?Did you mean my last relationship😂😂148: What I’m really bad atProcrastination149: What my greatest achievments areGetting the fuck out of fl, some of my artwork, learning to cope with my depression150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to meProb something my ex said lol151: What I’d do if I won in a lotteryQuit my job, build a house, and open a cave bar (me and Ashley were just talkin about that)152: What do I like about myselfWell i guess i never stop trying even tho i fuck up a lot hahah153: My closest Tumblr friend@stalkhome-sindrone probably😁154: Something I fantasise aboutA stable income...Thanks for that big ass ask my anonymous dude!!😂To the rest of my followers, sorry for the long post and some of the tmi questions😊

[wereg0blin]

for the ask meme? all of them u thot

For ur and Cris' demand1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?Yes!!!!! 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?UhHHHHHH it is 3 years older than me but hhhhhhh probably not3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?Bicth ten mins ago4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?ALWAYS5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?If there are they can go fuck themselves right in the butthole6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?CHOKE-I dont know how but they found me - mr seen aka my eX hHHhH7. What exactly are you wearing right now?a cute ass blouse thingy some tights and christmas deer antlers on top of a Santa hat8. How often do you listen to music?every chance i get9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?jeans i guess10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?i dont even remember 201311. Are you a social or an antisocial person?both damn12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?On the cheek yes13. What about ‘R’?platonically yes14. Can you drive a stick shift?i can climb sticks???? does that count??? 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?they 100% do and i dont really care bc everyone talks shit about everyone 16. Are you going out of town soon?i dont know how to reply to this because i live in two towns17. When was the last time you cried?Wednesday i think,, i wish i could cry more often 18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?i try to say it as much as i can bc i have a lot of love in my heart19. If you could change your eye color, would you?maybe a lighter blue bc gray blue isn't that pretty20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?not counting evan,,, uhh Boys ARE A BLESSING TO THIS WORLD FUXK YEAH21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.am planning to tell mh parents abt my depression but hHHHHH22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?if it has boy in it iT CUTE23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?NopE cris is like,,,, my best friend wtf24. What are you sitting on right now?b e d i t s o f t25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?FRIENS. LOVE THEM. 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?ALL THW TIME B I TCH27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?my roommates 28. Do you get a lot of colds?nop, but when i do its fuxked up29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?Switzerland 30. Does anyone hate you?yepity depity do and i hope they burn in hell fucking pieces of shits31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?it will be a cold day in hell when i drink my dudes32. Do you like watching scary movies?BITCH I L OV E MAKING FUN OF MOVIESSO SEEING SHITTY SCARY MOVIES IS A FUCKING BLESSING 33. Do you want your tongue pierced?Nah how tf am i gonna eat spicy shit then???? ¿¿¿¿34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?2015????or 2016??? i think that was the worst my depression ever was35. Did you have a dream last night?i think????? 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?right now37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?hope not???? but then again???? kinda hope i do????? probably not doe38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?yes i know at least 2 boys and i feel so sorry for them39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?probs40. Did you have a good day yesterday?mmmeh41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?oh shit i have no Fucking idea 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?y e s43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?i think???? cris must've told me at least one time and evan too so Uhhhh i guess???? ¿¿¿¿44. What’s the best part about school?i get to have unnecessary crushes45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?ppppplenty46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?yeah but he called me a slut and a whore 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?god fucking hell all the time 48. Were you single over the last summer?yep49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?nope thank the whatever the fuck is out there 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?sleeping i guess51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?evan is a precious cinnamon roll fuck off 52. Are you nice to everyone?YES YES YES YES ALWAYS as i saidk i l l t h e m w i t h k i n d n e s s53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?h hh hhh fuCking tAke a wIld Gue Ss m854. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?bitch when i cheat will be the day i cut my throat 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?bad feelings? yescrushes? n0Pe56. Do you think you like someone?i think but i hope not57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?nop i do not Think so my dude 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?why THE FUCK would that matter59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?current ones?? i dont think so??? 60. Do you hate anyone?nah i just,,,, strongly dislike themexcept the fucking bitches i called friends i hopr they die in a fire 61. How’s your heart?idk i guess ok??? im always okay62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?not really pffft63. Have you ever cried over a guy?yes all the time,, boys r beautiful 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?hmmmmmmmmm idk i can think of a few people but i hope not 65. Are your toenails painted pink?I W I S H66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?bih i wish i could have my first kiss67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?if boyfriend cries i cry thats bad 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?poor poor souls that actually had this happen to them69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?my sister!!! 70. How do you look right now?bored Even doe im honestly just relaxed 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?i do that with everyone bc if u don't like me u don't have tk be around me 72. Can you commit to one person?yes ofc!!!??? 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?even bby ilu74. Have you ever felt replaced?i think?? yes probs75. Did you wake up cranky?nop76. Are you a jealous person?hhhhHA YOU DONT EVEN K N O W77. Are relationships ever worth it?Theyre fun but the end of them makes me wanna die78. Anyone you’re giving up on?crushes and teachers 79. Currently wanting to see anyone?3 more years bih u better wait for meand u too eben b safe u dork80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?sssstudy h81. Last person you cried in front of?mom82. Is there someone you will never forget?yyyES83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?nope he doesn't really care about me anymore (although i dont think he ever did) 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?BICTH ID BE KISSING THAY THOT ALL OVER HER FACE AND WATCHING SAW AND VORING PIZZAEVEN DUDE HHHHELTS WATCH SAW 3 AND LAUGH AT THAT DUDE BREAKING HIS LEG AND THWN I CAN HUG YOU TILL I DIE FROM DEHYDRATION 85. Are you over your past?i ggggUess??? 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?i have no idea 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? @lady-misfortune @space-ace-sneevee @thelilshadowchild88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?what has been has been but i guess idk yet bc ive had like 1 bf for now 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?never kissed 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?i guess???????? 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?i sure as hell have no idea92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?Michael Jackson and I are best buddies bItch93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?noPe94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?i was in a relationship with my laptop and i didnt leave him from 7pm to 6am 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?he a dicky 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?bicth fucjing prettiest people youll find97. Who do you have texts from?crissy gorl that im too lazy to reply to98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?happened to me and i said "glad u told me earlier i dont want u being with me if u r uncomfy" it did hurt like a fucking bitch doe99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?bitch never kissed 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?me, myself and i101. Ever kissed under fireworks?NEVER KISSED FFS102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?IN a jar nicely packed and handed to me? no but stomach butterflies so bad i wanted to throw up? yes

[daehwins]

(cute ask thing) 2, 10, 12, 13, 14, 17, 20, 23, 28, 34, 46, 51, 52, 57, 60, 66, 75, 94, 99 and 100 (have fun)

w.yaaa hey sweetie ilu thank u for this and keeping me occupied when im supposed to be sleeping dfshdhj. @haeochan

2).  do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

no! unless im rlly warm then im up for it, but most of the times im freezing and dying, plus i dont like cold air in general bcs its hard for me to breathe in hwds.

10).  do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

i’m more or less an octopus?? i like to roll around and wake up frequently during the night and cant stay still. i start out on my side tho and most of the time wake up on my side or stomach.

12). what's your favorite planet?

i never rlly thought out this tbh?? i dont kno much about the solar system so wdsb.. mayb pluto bcs its not a planet anymore and im salty about it

13). what's something that made you smile today?

you. and the people around me, today was rough but the people i surround myself with definitely made it much easier to process.

14).  if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

okay so first off it would be with u. and idk?? like i can imagine a small and warm place full of blankets and soft decorations and lighting and pastel colors bcs i love pastel colors?? and animals bcs we boh love animals!! and kpop shit everywhere bcs im a mess but u would probably fite me until i cleaned up after myself!! tbh.. i would be happy with anything as long as i could be with u...

17) . what color do you really want to dye your hair?

it used to be red, but now its soft/pastel pink!! or silver or blue or anything tbh bcs i rlly am tired of my hair.

20). what’s your favorite eye color?

i dont rlly have one?? i like eyes in a person (?? that sounds weird but like.. i feel like eyes tell a lot about a person and theyre rlly pretty) like.. i like all colors in eyes tbh..??

23). what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

sleep?? eat?? watch meme videos, talk aboout ocs, and talk to u my honey bunches of oats (haha my job is to eMBARASS U FUCCER)

28).  sunrise or sunset?

sunset bcs im lazy as hell and hate being up early as i wake up everyday before sunrise bc sof school.

34).  tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

i have soooooooooooo many! but a rlly special one is a ratty old dog named puppers! i got him from a mission store when i was probably 4 or 5..? with my grandmother. hes rlly special to me and i keep him very close to me when i sleep bcs hes a large comfort to me, hes been through everything with me adn i plan keeping him as long as i can!!!

46). tell us the worst pun you can think of.

i would but that would be a PUNishment.

51).  think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

you and spring day - bts. its one of my favorite songs and the lyrics just remind me of longing to meet someone one day that i miss dearly.

52).  what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

all of them??

57).  go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

lol i listened to the pentatonix vers. after today it makes me feel kinda weird lyrically wise.. i dont view it as the uppbeat song that everyone sings to.

60). do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

i love poetry!! i especially like to write free verse poetry. (i might add more later)

“Funeral Blues” - W.H. Auden

(last two stanzas)

“He was my North, my South, my East and West,My working week and my Sunday-rest,My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;I thought that love would last forever: I was wrongThe stars are not wanted now: put out every one;Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,For nothing now can ever come to any good.”

66).  what would your ideal flower crown look like?

i have no idea tbh?? probably soft pink and blues?? idk about specific flowers

75). tell us about your pets!

i used to have a cat names rascal when i was very little! then various fish! now i have a black lab named addie! i love her very much and affectionately call her demon dog lol.

94). who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

some girl in my latin class was today but she didnt show up lol

99).  list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

UHM ILL HAVE TO COME BACK TO THIS ONE WHEN IM NOT HALF ASLEEO SRRY.

100).  if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

the future. i feel like the past is the past and its done, ive made my amends to what has happened and its done.i want to know where i am in the future and if i made it and am satisfied with where i am!

[hawkland]

Rules: Supposedly to tag 25 people but I’m just gonna say, do it if you want to. I “stole” this from @thedoctorishereguys

LAST:

LAST THING I BOUGHT:. Ice at the deli up by my mom’s. LAST STORE I VISITED: That deli. LAST TEXT MESSAGE: “Made it” to Mr. Hawkland, to let him know I got to my mom’s safe & sound. LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO: “Summer’s Coming” by Gizmodrome. LAST THING I ATE: Sushi from the place I always stop at on the way to my mother’s house.

HAVE YOU EVER: DATED SOMEONE TWICE: As in dated, broke up, dated again? Mmm...sort of. Once. And it was a bad idea. BEEN CHEATED ON:  Yes. By the person who I dated twice. Part of that bad idea thing. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: Yes. When it was a situation where I felt pressured to do so (literally, trapped in a corner in a restaurant) and this person ended up stalking/harassing me for a while afterward. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: Yes. Let’s leave it at that. BEEN DEPRESSED: Clinically? No. Probably otherwise. Though I tend more towards high anxiety than depression. BEEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: I’ve been so drunk I WISHED I’d thrown up, but it didn’t happen.

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU: MADE A NEW FRIEND: Yes. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE:  No. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: Yes. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: I’m...not sure on that one. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR TRUE FRIENDS WERE: Hmm. Sort of? I stopped using Facebook for the most part back in February, which overall has been great for my mental health but it has cut me off from a lot of people I’d considered “friends”, so few of them have made an effort to reach out or stay in touch through other methods. I get that it’s so convenient, blah blah blah, but...it can be isolating and sort of disappointing how few have private messaged or been/stayed in touch through the social media accounts I AM still using. Then again, maybe I haven’t taken so much initiative myself. Which could also speak about that whole level of friendship thing. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: Hahahahaha yep but we’ll leave it at that. Oh, Tumblr.

GENERAL: HOW MANY PEOPLE ON TUMBLR DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE?: Hmm...apologies if I forget anyone but @coldlikedeath, @kimannebb, @kronette, @flamingoslim, @debwalsh, @nicholasrowan, @apexonhigh, @theorajones, @thewayfindsyou, @trickunicorn ...? A lot of people I’ve met through fandom/conventions through the years, or otherwise. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?: Yes, 7 cats. Shut up. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME?: No. I’m quite happy with it, thanks. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING?: 7-ish. WHAT WERE YOU DOING LAST NIGHT?: Writing fic, exercising and punting around online. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: Going back to Venice next year for the Tintoretto 500 year celebration. HAVE YOU EVER MET SOMEONE NAMED TOM?: Yes, quite a few people that I can think of easily. WHAT’S GETTING ON YOUR NERVES RN?: The shitty wifi at my mother’s house. BLOOD TYPE: I’m afraid I don’t even know. And I’m 45. How sad is that? NICKNAME: A lot of people in fandom know me as “sockii”, which is a long story. I don’t really have any other nicknames besides my writing pseud. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Partnered/living with someone for 7 years now (we’ve actually been together for more like 12 years). ZODIAC SIGN: Taurus/Rat, depending on which zodiac you mean. PRONOUNS: She/Her FAVORITE TV SHOW: I’d probably have to say Homicide: Life on the Street. Because it was just...so amazing. The writing, the cast, the acting, the fucking relevance of so much of it still today. I don’t think I’ve ever been more intensely wrapped up in a show (and sometimes shocked so much I literally screamed at the tv) than with HLOTS. It has pretty much everything I could want — an interesting and diverse cast, strong female characters who are each different and unique, humor and drama that can make you cry...I could just go on about this show for ages. And it makes me crazy that it’s not on any streaming service today, because it’s so hard to convince other people to give it a try when the dvd set is so pricey. :( COLLEGE: Yes, I did. Graduated from M.I.T. in 1994. HAIR COLOR: I call it pumpkin spice color, at least when the dye-job is fresh. LONG OR SHORT: Mid-length. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEBODY: Always!

FIRSTS: FIRST SURGERY:  First and only so far: getting my right ovary removed in 2008. FIRST PIERCING:  Ears, back in freshman year of college. Still only piercing (though I’ve needed to get one side redone recently). FIRST BEST FRIEND: There was a brother and sister who lived across the street from me when I was like 5-6 and I used to go over and play Star Wars and other games/roleplay with them every day after school. Until they moved and I never heard from them again. FIRST SPORT YOU JOINED: None. I was never a sports kind of person. FIRST VACATION: That was more than just a weekend trip somewhere? Going to St. Kitts with my mom in 1983. FIRST PAIR OF SNEAKERS: Who the fuck knows. EATING: Seriously? Who remembers that. DRINKING: Uh...what?  I’M ABOUT TO: Work on this exchange fic I’ve been procrastinating over for like a month. LISTENING TO: Just the street noise outside while I write. WANT KIDS: Heh. Complicated. It ain’t fucking happening so let’s leave it at that. GET MARRIED: Probably, someday, though I don’t really have any need for a big fancy wedding and all of that shit. If Mr. Hawkland and I ever do make it official it will probably just be for legal reasons. As it is we’re too nervous to mess up a good thing.

WHICH IS BETTER: LIPS OR EYES: Eyes definitely attract me first, and more. HUGS OR KISSES: Hugs are great, because they can be with friends, family, lovers...all equally cool. SHORTER OR TALLER: Neither is better, either is fine. OLDER OR YOUNGER:  Personally I always like older. In case that wasn’t fucking obvious. ROMANTIC OR SPONTANEOUS?: Romantic. I’m not really one for surprises. SENSITIVE OR LOUD: Sensitive.

HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: Relationship

TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: Troublemaker, because I’m always the hesitant one.

HAVE YOU EVER: KISSED A STRANGER: No DRANK HARD LIQUOR: Yes LOST GLASSES/CONTACTS: No SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: Let’s...just say the one time I did it was basically date rape so no fucking thank you ever again to that. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: Probably? BEEN ARRESTED: No. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: Yes. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE: IN YOURSELF: I try to but it’s not always easy. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: Nah. Infatuation? Sure. But love is a lot more complicated than that. HEAVEN: Hmmm. I’d say I believe in something beyond this world and life. And Ive actually had a few experiences with loved ones who died which have made my belief in that “something” stronger. But what form it takes? I really can’t say. Like my (current) favorite song lyric goes, “I know too much to be sure about anything.” SANTA CLAUS: Not since I was 7 or 8.

#personal #long post