#ive already got 3.5 hours in already

[chaos-coming]

Lmao i decided fuck the government and fuck my aunt. Its just not reasonable to expect me to get the documents printed and signed by the management office, if i get lucky and theyre actually in the office for once, and then go to the government bureau thats 20 minutes away by transit and hope to whatever they see me without an appointment... all between the hours of 8 and 11:30 am. Because the office is open for 3 1/2 hours, 3 days a week in this tiny backwater medieval shithole excuse for a country, and for some goddamn reason my aunt waited until the last day before i leave for vacation to tell me i got that letter, then offered zero help and even blamed Me for not ecpecting Random Surprise Mail from the government and asking her for it sooner (wtf)

Just. No. Im having coffee and breakfast and doing my errands/packing and going to my work meeting and all rhe other shit i had to do before my aunt laid this burning trashcan on my lap. Its already late by almost 2 weeks so at this point the government can suck it. I already have an immigration lawyer on call from last years visa struggle with these racist bastards

#tldr my flake of an aunt decided notnto tell meni got important mail from the govt until there were literally 3.5 business hours left #to achieve it in before i leave for the vacation ive been planning for a year #and its already 10 days late so at this point fuck it #im so sick of this panicked mad dash bullshit #my adrenal system is burned out i cant do it anymore #i cant operate this way idgaf if my aunt can or thinks its nirmal or w.e. i just wont do it #this is me setting a boundary. im not killing myself and leaving for vacation Fucked and badly packed because of my unreliable relatives #i will Deal With the Consequences and it will be Okay. #<- affirmations

[megumi-fm]

9-10/18 days of habit

okay so. ive got bad (kinda okay) news and good (great) news. the bad news is that I wasn't really productive for the past two days... I've been dealing with what Sabrina would call a productivity hangover :(( i've decided to try and get (back) into activities that feel meditative, like music and art journalling (bc let's be real, meditation itself has no effect on my adhd ass), we'll see how that goes

meanwhile the good news is that I got into the graduate program that I've been eyeing since forever??? I woke up to the offer letter this morning and... I'm just coming to terms with the shock and excitement and preemptive homesickness and yeah. my undergrad ends in june after which my masters will start in august. it all feels so soon I'm not sure if I'm ready gahh akshshshdhdjs // oh and special thanks to @zzzzzestforlife, @boredkitkulover and @anime-academia for the wishes on my freak out post xD

tracking in averages for the past two days:

🍶 ~ 2L of water  📵 ~ 3.5 hrs 🌙 ~ 6.5 hours // 6:30am wake

im already at the midpoint of this little habit tracker? time moves so fast. hopefully I'm able to restore my productivity and find a way to stay consistent ✊

#18dayht #studyspo #studyblr #study motivation #mom bought me icecream as a treat for getting into my dream uni xD #so much for healthy eating rip

[momi1816]

pt.11:

my daughter was very advanced for age in my opinion. during tummy time already holding her head up to look around, making cute noises and guzzling down bottles like it was her job. but one day. dec 14 2016, the dray grew grim.

it was any ordinary day. parents were off working. my siblings at school. it was just her and I during the day. she had her morning bottle per normal.

* also I swear I get the best babies because she was already sleeping through the night. my son does the same.*

when everyone was gone I was to do the chores and clean the house. coming to bottle time she wasn't interested, so I left it alone. 6 hours after her last feeding trying again and nothing.starting to get worried I did the millennial thing and googled. and what I got was just growing. which made sense because she was in 3-6mo within a week of being home. so I brushed it off. 12 hours after her morning bottle still nothing. getting very worried trying our best to feed her since everyone was home. my step dad was holding her for a couple hours in that frame trying his best to get her to feed. also to add I had dried up about a week and a half before this. my milk didn't last long.

my step dad and put her down so he could get ready for bed and my mom felt her and said she had a fever. he said ' no I've been holding her for so long its probably just my body heat'. taking that in yes but I second guessed it. 102.4F

Racing to the ER she skipped the line and was taken back immediately. 10-12 doctors, nurses, and registration in and out of the room. asking questions, getting vitals and blood. they then wheeled us into the tunnels to go to the pediatric wing to where they took us to a procedure room and they attempted to get her urine sample by a catheter. by 4th try, she peed on the nurses. and then the nurses asked me if I wanted to step out they would do a spinal tap and told me it'd be hard to watch. I told them I would stay. It was very hard to watch; at that point I had never heard a scream as loud as the scream she did.

and then we waited.. the doctor came in our room and explained she had a bacterial infection in her blood and spinal fluid. they cultured it and the 72hr test showed it was strep b bacterial infection. a bacteria I do carry. nurses swear up and down there would be only a 1 and 2 billion chance that she got it from me during birth. considering it was 3.5 weeks later, she was a c section and I was on a penicillin dip for 15 hours. they asked had we gone out at all, no. but thanksgiving just happened and mom goes all out. that day my daughter was passed around like it was show and tell in preschool. someone didn't wash their hands enough and now my daughter will suffer and she did..

by the 18th she had what is called a grand mall seizure. just like the movies, she was stiff and straight as a board, red as a tomato, screaming and if she had teeth they would have been clenched. the nurse we had that night had just watched and walked out when it was over. I followed her and asked her what that was. she then told me it was a seizure and she didn't want to say anything due to my aunt and uncle being in the room. and she left.. telling the doctor what she saw, they scheduled and MRI. which wouldn't be until that Wednesday the 21st. walking her down to the MRI, I sat in the waiting room alone waiting.my mind spiraling. I could hear her screaming with them trying to put in an iv to administer contrast. but soon as she went in, she came out. we went back up to the room and it was a waiting game. my mom and step dad were there by then.

*side note I do want to add a couple things. no S was not at her birth I was blocked and had no way of telling him. his friends knew though. also with this happening I told that same friend what was going on and still he never showed. also my bio dad and his side of the family did not show up to the birth and with this situation I found out why*

it was just about to be shift change, and as we anxiously waited it was time.. the on call doc, the neurologist, day and night nurse came in with looks that screamed bad news. the neurologist had pulled up her MRI and her brain was lit up like the 4th of July. they said according to the damage she was/is 3/4 brain damaged. explaining nothing can be fixed. giving me worst case scenario if she made it out of the hospital she would never walk, talk, eat on her own, beg tube fed, be on oxygen, wouldn't feel pain, wouldn't know who I was or anyone, wouldn't have personality. without saying it but saying it she would become a vegetable. out of the then 20 years of practice for him she was the second worst case he had seen and the worst lived to 18. he estimated if she made it out she would only live to maybe one. it would be a long road ahead of us.

with my mother being there. its best you know my mother has the shittiest delivery humanly possible and can be cruel. after the MRI results were given she looked at me," are you going to kill yourself now?" as I responded, "no even if she doesn't make it, she would want me to stay and tell her story."

moving forward, they had therapists start coming in to start physical and occupational therapy. they were trying to have her regain her suck for a bottle. It never came back. I was given the option of putting a tube in her. it was a scary thought to think about. and they were pushing hard. but one day during our month and half stay. a traveling doctor that was there had came in to talk with me. my grandparents were there and the therapists were in the room and were working with her. infant of everyone, he straight up said. 'if it was my child I would take her home and let nature take its course." basically telling me to take her home and allow my daughter to starve herself to death. that was 1 out of 5 doctors we saw. but he was traveling. one other, who is still there no clue how, did the same things. trying to push me to either leave her so another family can adopt her or to let her die. completely appalled. especially with him due to him at belonging to that hospital vs being a traveling.

in the time being there, I understand I was 19 with a baby who just had something traumatic happen. but under no circumstances does that give the right to these two men to treat me like a child and try pushing death. but the doctor who actually is a part of the hospital got his foot in his mouth 6 months ago.

moving forward, obviously she made it out. I went through with the surgery. my aunt on my dads side was a surgery nurse so she had arranged the best of the best to be on the service. and it went great. later on in the stay my bio dad decided to show up with my little half brother with my full sister. after she begged him finally came to meet her. I found out he didn't come to the birth nor in the beginning of the stay due to my name change.

my daughter was then sent home after surgery once decently healed. although the ignorance of doctors did not end there. the neurologist did not send us home with seizure meds. not thinking of anything of it, because obviously he's the doctor right, he knows better in that situation... nope....

[antifacountryfella]

6/22

look I SWEAR im not usually a "vibes are off" kinda guy.... but the vibes are most certainly off.

My trip began several hours before I figured it would; ar like 3:00 my boss told me i could leave at shift change. fine by me- we were dead after all. Stop home to pack, then i head up top. get there at like eight?? it was like right before sunset.

of course, before I even left for work that morning I'd reached out to someone from.. my Past Life. Current life now, I guess. He was working till 10, which gave me plenty of time to Scheme Up Some MoneyTM Well shit, that didn't take too long. Once he was off work, he had a couple things to do; this def had me worried cuz he's kind of flake. mm, actually "flake" isn't the right word. He's a Bull Shit Artist, to be sure, but hes no flake. if he sets up a mission its one that is going to benefit him, which means he'll be there. what im tryin to say is that he isn\t dumb enough to be a flake, if that makes sense.

He actually picks me up in case I "get too cooked to drive." what a gentleman lol. we then drive up to the city. as we pass the Lesser City With Worse Drugs* I looked at the skyline and thought how weird it is that I live in the country now. I uh.. kinda don't like? At the very least, I miss cities. Hell, I even miss those not quite cities-not suburbia that crops up around cities.

This was the first time I was on the Block in literal years. Hasn't changed at all. Still horrifying. I'm still weirdly numb to it.

And the Product knocked me on my fucking ass. I got 6, but only did one while we were in the city.

Side tangent here. Look, obv buying drugs off the block sucks. It scary, especially after midnight. this night was "only" 12"30. not the latest ive been there but still enough to put you on edge a bit. but that feeling when you have what you came for, you've got it in your system, and then the driver starts up the car to leave. oh man. total relief. because now, every block we pass brings us closer to the highway and a bit farther from where the Shit Goes Down. Less than five minutes after the engine starts, and we're already in a part of the City where it wouldn't feel like suicide to get out and walk around. And then you hit the highway, no more watching for cops out looking to ruin a junkies night. Soon, not even a speed trap from City Cops because you aren't in the part of the highway that's in the city limits. It's immaculate.

I don't remember if I did more that nigh, but I do know I "slept" passed out in my jeans. I did another bag at some point. basically the whole day was a blur. At one point I nodded out for three hours. I know this because Someone Special texted me and I meant to respond and it took me 3.5 hours to complete that task.

Which reminds me, if I don't get this shit under control SOON I'm going to fuck this up before it really starts and I REALLY don't want that to happen. I like this girl, and she likes me too. I'm down bad for ol' girl.

which brings me back to the bad vibes. idk, with going back to crossing lines I'd sworn off, and our government stealing half their subject's right to abortion, the loss of miranda rights, hell- my roommate said he lit a candle today and it just burned black smoke. idk, its spooky is all....

*(also the city where drug dealers start going to bed at 9 o clock)

#journal #my journal

[rubiatinctorum]

this going to sleep at 8pm shit unironically slaps a bit :0

#rubia speaks #obv i woke up since but like #ive already got 3.5 hours in already #it was a busy day i was tired #i cant imagine making a habit out of this #but like #it can be nice sometimes? #as a treat.

[forestryfae]

i was awake from 17 yesterday till 15:30 today thats nearly 24 hours and i havent slept at all tonight and i was forced to go to work. but because i have dishes that needs to be washed, they get to wake me up an hour after i fall asleep. then two hours later. then three hours later. so now i get to do dishes at 9 with only 6 hours of sleep so i can make food and get MORE dishes to do

#catfish catastrophies #i need a new tag for this stuff whatever #ive drunk a carton of chocolate milk and i just ate One Biscuit and thats the food i got today cus i Fell Asleep After 22.5 Hours #and now i have Dishes™ to do because i have 37 hours in one day. #like i literally #8 hours of sleep 5 hours of work and then ive got so much dead time cus im waiting for another thing thats already planned #thats dinner at 15:30 which means i have 15 minutes plus dinner which is around 15-25 minutes that makes 40 minutes of dead time #meetings on tuesdays are 1h 30m after dinner so i cant do any cleaning and food takes too long to make so i have to relax #meetings are 15 min usually and then theres art group on wednesday which is at 6 so 2 hours dead time 2 hours activity #thurdays i always clean all day cus it takes that long #monday i might have walks which are like 10 min #if i sleep when im supposed to im asleep between 23-1 to 5-7 then sleep till 9 again thats roughly 7-8 hoirs #i have 24 hours minus 8 hours is 16 minus work is 5 11 minus dead time which is 1.5-2 hours is 10.5-9 hours minus dinner 9-8.5 #im removing another half hour cus im unsure how long bathroom breaks are #8-9 hours now divide that by half because ocd is on average 4.5 hours to sit down and relax or have the time to do any dishes or clothes #unless im doing dinner myself which is roughly an hour bcus of the oven or boiling water so 3.5 hours #i have on average 3.5 hours of leisure time wjere i can be productive

[highwaydiamonds]

Um. Excuse me. You had cancer??

Yeah... I mean I guess I really haven't discussed it much on tumblr. I have a little bit, but only in vague ways, or rarely made veiled references in tags.

SO, get a drink, get a snack, because this is a bit of a saga, and you already know I am longwinded at the best of times. I'm going to do like Vizzini said, and go back to the beginning. I hope you're ok I'm making this public Shells, it seems easier to? And I'll put this behind a cut because I really do wax on ( and on).

It's the end of August 2018 and i appear to have gotten some kind cold/respiratory infection. I'm at work the first day of it and it feels like a cold. No big deal. (Also this is all pre-COVID so no I didn't have COVID). The next day I feel really awful, so I call off work, and figure all I need to do is rest and I'll be ok. Turns out, NOPE. The next day I feel worse- now I can tell I have a bit of a fever, my appetite was basically, " eat one baby carrot and my appetite is exhausted." Finally, I get to the point that I am having trouble lying down - as in I am becoming short of breath when I try to lie flat (sorry if I am using the wrong word - lay/lie was always a grammar issue that eluded me.) So, I decide, ok, i will be sensible girl and go get medical attention. But I am stubborn and feel the ER is overreacting, so I go to urgent care. i park in the front row of urgent car parking, but by the time I reach the intake desk I have to put my head down because I am so winded and a bit lightheaded.

They take one look at me and tell me, point blank, "we're getting a squad for you to take you to the ER." I say, " what? no, I don't need that, this is not that big a deal." They counter, " you could barely walk in the door and you you are having significant trouble breathing. We don't have the ability to see you here." So, for the first time in my life I have to go via ambulance from urgent care to a free standing ER.

I get to the ER - where they decide, OK, lady, you're a mess. Let's get some chest x-rays and we're gonna slap some IV fluids and I can't even recall if they immediately put me on IV antibiotics or not. But after two hours there they informed me, " hey.... So, we think you need to go to the hospital-hospital not the freestanding ER." I tell them well you better hand me my laptop ( I'm that bitch who takes the laptop with her juuuuust in case I am stuck in the hospital. you never know.) Because i am not going to a hospital until I figure out if they're in my health plan. I do so and then for the second time in my life, all in one night because sometimes I am an over achiever i guess, I go via ambulance to the hospital.

They admitted me and over the next few/couple/ hours ( it was hard to tell) I progressively felt worse. I had trouble breathing if I didn't sit absolutely straight up, and at that point I hadn't gotten good sleep for around 60 hours or so. Me being me I started to get teary and panicky, because I was so tired and wasn't sure what to do. I called for the nurse and she came in and then within the next half hour your girl got taken down to the ICU. By the time we arrived down in the ICU I was really getting panicky. My mom died in the ICU ( different hospital but still) and I knew the fact they took me down there was no laughing matter. I started to think about, " ok is this what death is like? this isn't what i thought it was going to be - this is panicky and scary and not all white lights and peace."

The next thing I knew - it was two days later, and I woke up intubated. Did you know that you can be conscious and intubated? I did not. I'll speed things up a bit here. I spent a total of 8 days in the ICU - I had one hell of a case of pneumonia, and there were a couple of other diagnoses thrown in ( nope, not cancer. promise, we will get there.) . The nurses I had were AMAZING. I was intubated for about 6 of those 8 days. Then I got weaned off of it. Funniest moment on the ventilator: Physical therapist comes around and says, " Hey let's get you up and walking, you think you can?" I nodded and shrugged my shoulders to try and communicate, " sure, ok!" It went totally fine, but there were nursing students, residents, other doctors and who knows who else looking out of rooms and over desks at the two of us just y'know... *walking down the hall*. I gestured to the people because it was just flipping weird. I had an audience at the exact time NOBODY wants an audience and it confused the hell out of me. PT advised me, " there aren't too many times ventilated patients are ambulatory. You're a bit of a curiosity so people want to see."

Once I got out of the ICU and was put back on a regular floor, I got to meet with other doctors re those other diagnoses I mentioned ( chronic things I just have to manage) I also mentioned that it had been a really long time since I had been to a GYN and as had been noted in the ICU I spotted quite frequently ( I have never, ever in my life been regular period-wise and it just got weirder over time, but I just didn't really consider it. So I asked while they were setting me up with new practitioners ( my previous doctor had retired) too please set me top with a gynecologist.

So I'm out of the hospital by September 10th, 2018. The gyro appointment occurs i want to say by mid- to late September. I go in and meet her and she's lovely. While I'm up on the table she says, " hey let's do all the things and get a uterine biopsy!" I say, " excellent, do the things!" We agree it's likely going to be nothing but hey we're smart people and we will play it safe. Huzzah Gyno visit accomplished! (if I were a gamer I'd make some kind of ladybits achievement unlocked now, but I'm not a gamer.)

Two or so weeks go by - or however long it takes to get those test results back (some of these spans are lost in the mists of time). Dr Boyle calls me and apologizes that the test results that she was sure would be nothing... they are not nothing. Turns out, it's endometrial cancer.

At that point you could have knocked me over with a feather. Shells, I wanted my mom to be there so badly, I can't even express it. She would have understood how I felt - she'd been there with her breast cancer. But at the same time, I was glad she wasn't there? I remember how heartsick my mom was to tell Grandmommy when Mom got cancer. I didn't want my mom to have to hear that news, to worry about that. Dr Boyle advised me that she would be referring me to a good oncologist and i should hear from them in a week or two.

Thus began MRIS and PET scans and ultrasounds, and blood work etc. The oncologist diagnosed that he figured I might be stage three, but it depended on my lymph involvement. It brought back memories of when Mom was diagnosed and when she told me she was stage three. I asked my Dad later, "what does that mean?" He told me, " there are only four stages, so what do you think?" This time around I knew what it meant. So, we put me down for surgery November 9th, 2018. That's two days before my birthday - so I joked that I was getting my cancer out for my birthday - hooray! My best friend actually flew in from texas for my surgery ( my best friend is a SAINT, and I love her more than pearls and rubies.)

Best surgery story from this experience: For my total hysterectomy (uterus and ovaries go sayonara and then also two signal lymph nodes in the chain of nodes on either side of the pelvis to se if there is any lymph complication.) I had to be tilted back - so with my head down to move as many organs away from the uterus etc during the laparoscopic procedure. I knew this going in, However, when I woke up back in my hospital room I looked at Bestie and said, " I hurt in places I didn't expect to hurt. Oh wait. My shoulders hurt because they're not used to being weight bearing, but the procedure was laproscopic - so why the heck does my vagina hurt?" Bestie in one of her best moments ever says, " I know why." I replied, " wait, YOU know why MY vagina hurts?!" She said, " yep. So your surgery was supposed to take 3-3.5 hours ended up taking 5 hours instead. Your uterus was really big. The oncologist told us they need up having to cut it in half to pull it out of you." bestie admitted she joked with the oncologist that it was like I had just birthed a baby, he looked back at her (NOT laughing) and said, " yes, that's basically what she did." I laughed so much at that ( i mean i was also well medicated, but still) I told Bestie, " I had a Uterus! Let's call it George!" ( In retrospect I am disappointed in myself that I misgendered my own uterus, I should have called it Georgina.)

So, after healing from the surgery, by about January of 2019 I started two courses (each with a few rounds) of chemo. First came what the doctors and I called "low-pro" chemo - that we did along with radiation. Honestly, though i was making a heck of a lot more bathroom trips, you wouldn't have generally known I was sick. Most of my coworkers had no idea. I just was a bit more tired than usual. After the low pro rounds - then we moved to the bigger guns. Radiation was done but I moved to more significant chemo drugs, This wasn't because things were bad - this was the plan all along :) But I knew the "high-pro" chemo was going to make me lose my hair. THAT was a psychic struggle. I cried so much knowing that was going to happen. I got hats and caps and I even got a very nice wig. I mean, I planned as much as a girl can plan when she hears that news. I even preemptively cut my long hair. It was about half way down my back at that point. So I went in and asked the stylist please braid it and put it in between two hair ties - and then cut it - so i could keep my braid. I couldn't do locks of love anyway as it was colored, and I know it's selfish, but I wanted my hair. So, the hair went from half down my back to a face framing bob. then I just waited. And then in a few weeks it happened. I could put my hands through my hair and easily, painlessly pull it out. I am not a cute bald girl. That's when people KNOW you have something going on.

I was very lucky though, there ended up NOT being lymph involvement, and even the high pro chemo didn't make me nauseous or lose appetite. I did have HORRIBLE bone pain usually the first week after chemo ( i'd get it every three weeks). I learned a hell of a lot from that. I also was able to get some meds to help alleviate it a bit, and I took time from work when the pain was at its worst. But I have never experienced pain like that - where no matter what I did - no position changes helped. Even ice packs or heat pads didn't help or do much. It was just a waiting game, a painful waiting game. Oh also - I learned that IV benadryl is nothing like oral benadryl. IV benadryl is like walking right into a brick wall made of sleep. That stuff knocked me the hell out right quick - amazing.

Right before COVID started and the world shut down I got the flu because my immune system was in the toilet- and so I spent another week in the hospital and except for the bone pain that comes with chemo, you know what is worse than chemo injections? POTASSIUM injections. Among other things, my potassium levels were low and so I got those injections with other meds. Those suckers HURT. they BURN, and so i spent a week in the hospital only to eventually come out and find out the world was starting to shut down from COVID. Not my job at that point, but my oncologist told me, " GO HOME - YOU KNOW YOU ARE IMMUNO COMPROMISED - DON'T STAY AT WORK." So, I went home until about a month after I finished chemo.

Since finishing chemo it's been about scans, which have gone ok so far... I'm not willing to talk about the R word. I just think I'll have to be careful the rest of my life - My mom always said, "once you've gotten cancer, you always have cancer." So, maybe it's the anxiety talking, but it's kind of like waiting for the other cancer shoe to drop. In the mean time though, it's business as usual - try to find good stuff in the midst of the hot mess. Cancer has been a crisis but not a reason to lose my sense of humor. I've needed it more than ever :)

So, sorry for the SERIOUSLY LONG ASS answer, but sometimes it's just better to lay it bare. I'm not ashamed of this stuff. It's been a lot. It's been a journey... It still is... it's part of the rest of my journey, which i hope isn't over by a long shot yet. I don't believe things happen for reasons - the world is WAY too absurd for that in my opinion, BUT good gravy have i been able to learn so much from this whole three ring circus. I'm not grateful for cancer, but I am grateful for the lessons.

Thanks for checking in, Shells. You're a complete sweetheart.

#the r word is remission #cancer funtimes #i really didn't let many people know tbh #not just online #i didn't tell one of my two remaining family members for months #i have very good friends who knew and friends who are like family that supported me #i know it's crazy to say i'm lucky - but i am. i so am. #and if anyone read all of this - you definitely deserve a hug and several cookies. if i had cookies to give i would but i just have hugs

[easyrevenge]

shinkami drabble

word count : 1.6k

ship: shinsou hitoshi / kaminari denki 

rated: t

summary: denki has a crush on shinsou who works across the street at the second-hand music shop.

(ive never written shinkami before & i’ve been having writers block so i wrote this based on true events for warm-up.)

Kaminari is pretty sure he might die. 

“You’re being so dramatic,” Mina tells him. And yeah, he is, but that hardly changes the fact that he’s starving. Not to death but it’s significant. He forgot to eat breakfast and wasn’t even on the schedule to work today. He’s just a good employee, and friend, or whatever. Denki thinks Mina could at least be a little more--”But, someone did leave their Café Luna bag behind about an hour ago. See what’s in it.”

Denki loves her. “Café Luna? That place is expensive!” And delicious, so he’s heard. The restaurant opened a few weeks ago down the block and since then the line has been wrapped around the corner. 

He hurries to the back of their shop and rummages through the mini-refrigerator that definitely should have been cleaned out at least three weeks ago. Past some questionable yogurt cups, he finds what he’s looking for.

Denki only spends a solid five seconds debating the morality of the situation--is it rude to eat someone’s untouched food? What if they come back for it? But it’s a short-lived consideration, especially once he sees what’s inside; a small clear container with what a fancy as fuck sandwich—“It’s been an hour, surely they would have come back by now…” he reasons. Most importantly, as well as the deciding factor, “Oh hell yes!” A huge, insanely thick double chocolate chip cookie. “Sorry not sorry, loser.” Who the hell could leave any of this behind?

The sandwich is obliterated within minutes. Then Denki, because he is a good friend and model employee, brings the cookie back out to the front and offers some to Mina. 

“You’re sweet, Denks,” she says, patting his shoulder. Then she laughs, “But it looks like you might cry if I say yes and you're forced to actually share.”

Denki really, really loves her. 

He’s half-way through the cookie, propped up on the counter and munching away while Mina does all the clean up tasks that he’s excused from today for coming in. This is their usual slow hour anyway, not a customer in sight. Easy money. 

“So, I forgot to tell you that your walking wet-dream came by earlier.” 

Denki almost chokes on his cookie. “What! When? What was he wearing?” 

Mina smiles as she wipes the counters down. “I was swamped so I didn’t get a good look. He was in and out pretty quick.”

Denki leans back against the wall, closing his eyes for a moment to revel in a quick day dream. One where he’s smooth and clever, manages to get his number, then maybe a date, a blow job, a boyfriend, a decent, regularly scheduled lay. He’d take that in any order, really. 

Denki’s never actually talked to the guy but he does know his name is Shinsou thanks to a very tactful phone call by Mina. He works at the secondhand music store across the street and one morning while opening shop they made eye contact across the asphalt. Denki had been sweeping while the other was writing a music lesson schedule on a chalkboard menu. It was anticlimactic, lasting no more than three seconds, but Denki never stops thinking about it. 

Shinsou is intimidating in the way that most pretty people are. He looks mean, disinterested. It pulls Denki in unquestionably, especially because he always smiles (full teeth) whenever he spots Shinsou through the window and rarely gets anything back except the highly coveted lifted eyebrow. Denki’s favorite thing about him is his eyes, dark and liquidy.

Denki also cares a lot about fashion and Shinsou’s clothes are the brand of cool that is obviously effortless, all black. His messy purple hair is usually pushed back with one of those cheap, zigzag plastic hair combs that were popular in the 90s.

Shinsou is aggressively hot, it’s almost offensive. Denki isn’t sure if he has a league but Shinsou is out of everyone’s.

“I can’t believe he actually came in. What did he order?”

Mina shrugs, “He just bought bottled water but he did spend a minute staring at your freaky art.”

“Oh my god,” Denki flushes pink with excitement and disbelief. He doesn’t exactly call himself an artist but he does fuck around a lot in his small studio and paint weird, neon colored, warped looking Pokémon-monster hybrids. Mina let’s him display them around her fruit shop because she’s a good friend. 

A customer comes in and Denki continues to lounge on the counter, still daydreaming of purple hues and picking at the cookie while Mina makes a smoothie that has far too many vegetables. 

“Hey Denks,” Mina says after the customer has left with their inevitable bowel movement in a cup. She sounds weird. He looks over and she’s smiling like the Cheshire Cat. He knows he’s fucked. “We’re best friends and I’m your boss, so you’re obligated to forgive me.”

Denki’s heart is squeezing tight and he stares wide eyed. “What did you do?”

Mina turns to look out through the front windows where Shinsou is currently looking left, then right, before doing a half-jog across the street. She hurriedly looks back at Denki, “I forgot to tell you the Café Luna bag was Shinsou’s and now it looks like he’s coming back for it and I’m going to go on my break now, bye.” She says the last part in one breath while the door opens and the little bell on top rings. 

Shinsou walks in and all the air is pulled from Denki’s lungs.

Denki doesn’t have time to think, just react. He practically throws himself off the counter and—again, not thinking because who has time for that when someone that good-looking is walking your way—does the only thing he can think of to dispose of the evidence. 

He shoves the rest of the cookie into his mouth. It’s a big fucking cookie, even with only half of it left. 

He never should have come into work today. 

The chime of the door tinkers again when it closes and Denki knows he has about 3.5 seconds before Shinsou reaches the front counter. He chews vigorously, practically suffocating on cookie crumbs and chocolate chips, but it’s all just turned to paste in his mouth and there’s no hope. 

Then, he starts to choke. 

“Should I call emergency services or just let you die.” It hardly sounds like a question and if it is, Shinsou is asking himself.

Denki sputters, standing up from his half-crouch in an attempt to hold on to an ounce of his dignity. But it’s all lost when they make eye contact and Denki knows there’s nothing he can do, so he just holds up a finger to say hold on before spinning around and grabbing the small trash bin under the sink. 

He spits the cookie mush into the bin, eyes watering while he coughs the dust out of his lungs, and prays that death comes swiftly in the next few seconds. 

Denki hates Mina. So, so much. 

Catching his breath, Denki leans forward over the sink and runs the water. He wonders if he should fill it up and drown himself but opts for rinsing his face instead. The eyes boring holes into his back are unrelenting and vicious. He turns around and regrets being born. 

Shinsou is way too goddamn pretty. His eyes drink Denki in, full of judgement and unabashed intensity before blinking back into nonchalance. “He lives.”

Denki can’t help it, he laughs. It’s loud and a bit wet because he hasn’t wiped off his face. What a mess. “Unfortunately.”

Shinsou doesn’t allow for any awkward silences though, just moves the conversation forward with ease. Denki barely has time to feel embarrassed but he knows he’s blushing deeper with every millisecond that ticks by. 

“I left my lunch here earlier, I think. A bag from Café Luna.” 

Denki considers lying because surely that would be the easiest route. He attempts to wipe his face off with the inner elbow of his sweater, nervous. “Oh—uh, I don’t…”

Shinsou holds up a long, slender finger.  Denki wonders what instruments he plays. Maybe he should sign up for one of his lessons, give himself a second-chance to make a good impression. Erase this one from existence. 

He shakes his head, explaining, “You have chocolate smeared on your chin.” An obvious accusation. Denki is so fucked. 

He sighs. “The cookie looked way too good, dude.” It feels good to confess, at least. “I’m sorry,” Denki apologizes, eyes downcast as he pulls at the hem of his sweater. 

“Are you,” Shinsou replies and Denki wants to run out the door but then something happens. Shinsou laughs. It’s a quiet sound, breathy and warm and deep. Denki looks up and smiles brightly because wow, that sounds like music. “I don’t think you are.”

Denki catches something like a smile on the corner of Shinsou’s mouth and it gives him some of his confidence back. Just enough. “Yeaaaah,” he breathes, grinning sheepishly. “It was really tasty so maybe not that sorry.”

“Sorry you got caught.”

“Definitely.”

“A true criminal.” Shinsou nods, something like approval. Then he pulls out his phone to check the time. Denki is already disappointed this interaction is ever going to end, despite his embarrassment. 

“I’ll have the sandwich back at least, I only have ten minutes left of my lunch break. I’m starving.”

No, yeah, Denki is going to fucking murder Mina. He’ll be an actual criminal. 

Denki knows his silence is telling but there’s no cool way to talk himself out of this. Instead he puts on his best pouty smile and apologetic eyes. Shinsou looks so unimpressed until he doesn’t, just annoyed.

He clicks his tongue, sucking air through his teeth like a disappointed parent. “I’m off in three hours.”

Denki pulls a face.  “Oh-kay.” 

Shinsou looks like he wants to roll his eyes. Denki feels hot all over, degraded even though he hasn’t been called any names or chastised. 

The silence makes Denki itchy so he breaks it with a fountain of apologies and offers to pay him back. “Do you have Venmo? Just charge me the cost! My username is 69Pika—”

“Please, stop.”

“Okay.”

Shinsou knocks his knuckles on the counter, looking him over once more before taking a few steps back. Another customer comes in and the bell tinkers twice, open, then close. 

They watch each other for a moment.

“If you’re off in time, you’re buying dinner after my shift. I’ll meet you outside the shop.” Then Shinsou turns and leaves and Denki just smiles because what the fuck else was he supposed to do. 

God, he loves Mina. 

#shinkami #kamishin #denki x shinsou #bnha

[ahwait-no-yes]

wh0op !

how about to thank all the 100 people following me I give them some art of someone nobody followed me for?? :D lmao im sorry but this drawing just happened to be the one i was workig on when i checked me follower count but yeah!! absolute thanks to every single one of you! i actually got 100 almost a week ago but ive genuinely been busy with revising french in particular so ive not had the time or energy to draw

but then (codename) refrigerated beans convinced me to watch a playthrough of persona 3. i already know what happens to minato so i told myself not to get attached to him especially and then 2 minutes into it i thought “oh my god im in love”, and I have almost 100 screenshots of him being expressive in mangas

yeah i forgot the player and the red thing with the SEES on it but in my defense I started drawing that 1 hour into watching the playthrough and finished it 3.5 hours into it

anyway back to my original point- thank youu very muchh (and doesnt he look like saihara? its probably the accidental ahoge)

#persona 3 #p3 #minato arisato #arisato minato #makoto yuki #yuki makoto #p3 protag #p3 protagonist #minato #arisato #makoto #[ahhh milestones!!] #yuki #personally i like minato a lot better #I kept listening to GRRRLS while drawing this #and the tartarus themes #THEY'RE SO HEAVENLY #the last one makes me feel every emotion at once #ahwait-no-yes rambles #JJ tries to draw

[antifacountryfella]

6/29

look I SWEAR im not usually a "vibes are off" kinda guy.... but the vibes are most certainly off.

My trip began several hours before I figured it would; ar like 3:00 my boss told me i could leave at shift change. fine by me- we were dead after all. Stop home to pack, then i head up top. get there at like eight?? it was like right before sunset.

of course, before I even left for work that morning I'd reached out to someone from.. my Past Life. Current life now, I guess. He was working till 10, which gave me plenty of time to Scheme Up Some MoneyTM Well shit, that didn't take too long. Once he was off work, he had a couple things to do; this def had me worried cuz he's kind of flake. mm, actually "flake" isn't the right word. He's a Bull Shit Artist, to be sure, but hes no flake. if he sets up a mission its one that is going to benefit him, which means he'll be there. what im tryin to say is that he isn\t dumb enough to be a flake, if that makes sense.

He actually picks me up in case I "get too cooked to drive." what a gentleman lol. we then drive up to the city. as we pass the Lesser City With Worse Drugs* I looked at the skyline and thought how weird it is that I live in the country now. I uh.. kinda don't like? At the very least, I miss cities. Hell, I even miss those not quite cities-not suburbia that crops up around cities.

This was the first time I was on the Block in literal years. Hasn't changed at all. Still horrifying. I'm still weirdly numb to it.

And the Product knocked me on my fucking ass. I got 6, but only did one while we were in the city.

Side tangent here. Look, obv buying drugs off the block sucks. It scary, especially after midnight. this night was "only" 12"30. not the latest ive been there but still enough to put you on edge a bit. but that feeling when you have what you came for, you've got it in your system, and then the driver starts up the car to leave. oh man. total relief. because now, every block we pass brings us closer to the highway and a bit farther from where the Shit Goes Down. Less than five minutes after the engine starts, and we're already in a part of the City where it wouldn't feel like suicide to get out and walk around. And then you hit the highway, no more watching for cops out looking to ruin a junkies night. Soon, not even a speed trap from City Cops because you aren't in the part of the highway that's in the city limits. It's immaculate.

I don't remember if I did more that nigh, but I do know I "slept" passed out in my jeans. I did another bag at some point. basically the whole day was a blur. At one point I nodded out for three hours. I know this because Someone Special texted me and I meant to respond and it took me 3.5 hours to complete that task.

Which reminds me, if I don't get this shit under control SOON I'm going to fuck this up before it really starts and I REALLY don't want that to happen. I like this girl, and she likes me too. I'm down bad for ol' girl.

*(also the city where drug dealers start going to bed at 9 o clock)

#journal #my journal #i got a crush #drugs

[hugsfromdad]

Hey kids,

How is everyone?

It's been a long time since I've done a check-in post and I've recently been feeling a real need to reconnect with all of you on here.

TLDR: my life is really busy and crazy and theater hasn't been good for me but I'm surviving. I miss y'all sm and want to hear from you. Whether it's anon, message, comment, or reblog. I have next to no freetime rn, but i really want to reconnect and am gonna try my best to be present on here more.💗

My life update: I've been so enjoying not being on instagram and just focusing on myself, healing and growing, and the few real relationships I have outside of social media. However, it's been hard cause I realized just how few close friends i actually have and the desperate need I have for friends who live nearby me. My two current best friends live 3.5 hours away, and in Colorado... So not someone i can hit up to have supper with and get a hug from when im having a tough day. And ive been having quite a few of those recently.

Joining theater has been...an experience. My mum has helped me to realize that i joined this production with expectations of making new friends.... Those expectations, as low as i thought they were, were wrong. It's like being in a ridiculously intense class with kids who already all know each other. It's not a clique, and I'm not being excluded, but it's like trying to break into a world where i dont even speak their language, and I'm still deciding if i really even want to.

I've been spending 3-4 days a week, 3hrs+ (sometimes 10hrs) per day with these people, for now 2 months--and I still dont know more than 3ish facts about the majority of them. A couple of them i have been able to get closer to-- but only because I found a time outside of practice hours to get to know them.

This has been really difficult for me. A lot about this situation is triggering for me and bringing me back to my bad years when I knew and spent time with a lot of people, but felt really alone and had no friends... So, it gets kind of scary when im already having a bad day and i go to practice. I have to be really careful and intentional of staying on the road when I drive home because my suicidalness kicks back in real strong...yeah, it's that bad. But I'm being careful and open with my mum and therapist about this all.

On good days, I kind of maybe consider doing this again. But in actuality... I dont want to. I'm not really having fun and I don't want to put myself through this again. I dont have a passion for this and I would need some really good, close (location-wise and friendship-wise) friends in my life, and in theater, to be able to enjoy doing this again.

So yeah... That's THAT whole situation. I'm counting the days til it's over... 20. Closing night is on my birthday... Best present I could get. I really just want to have my life back from this. And i hate that I'm good at it and so the people there assume im having fun and gonna want to do this again.. And, worst of all assumptions; that im carefree and happy-- lol.

So thats pretty unfortunate, but I'm at least getting another really good learning experience, and I cannot tell yall how fucking proud of myself i am for doing this. This is a big deal and I threw myself in the deep end and it turns out im actually good at swimming--even if I dont like it.

When it comes to my personal life (what's that?) It boils down to: I need friends. I'm trying to find people close in location to me... But, because my soul is currently owned by the theater, I cant do much at all. I am trying tho.

I tried a few dating apps... Oof. Ew no. I hate dating apps and I hated every moment on there. Not finding people really and its pretty sucky, but my therapist keeps reminding me that it's not me, it's my difficult situations throughout life that's kept me from finding people to date. There was one person I matched with who I was talking to for a bit, but then they havent replied to me for 2 days now, so im hoping everything is okay, but I'm kinda used to being ghosted at this point. Ill finding someone tho. Its gotta happen.

I'm pursuing my transition more-- hopefully I'll be starting testosterone soon and I'm looking into surgeons now and saving my money with a mindset towards top surgery within a year... We'll see. But its super exciting. My theater director (who is really bipolar and freaks me out some, but seems to adore me) put a stubble beard on me with makeup yesterday cause I had mentioned wanting a beard once i got on testosterone. It nearly made me cry and I couldnt stop smiling. I wore it home and hated taking it off before bed. I really really want a beard and im so fucking close, it's giving me strength.

My music and writing and painting and all other things have come to a screeching halt since starting theater, but i have a ton of inspiration that's built up over the past couple months that I'm super excited to unleash it the moment I'm free of this commitment. Im already working on a musical about this whole experience joining theater that I think would be really good. And I really want to finish my books and get them out there. We shall see what happens.

I love you all so much and my heart constantly goes out to you all and all of your experiences and struggles. I want to be here with you and laugh and cry, morn and celebrate together. Hopefully more of the good, tho.

Please feel free to reach out to me, even though I haven't been active at all on here. Message/anon me about your life, or questions, updates, celebrations, jokes, good pickup lines for me to use on my best friend as soon as his cruise is over and I can spam him again (holy shit I miss him so much @jamesboii please come home soon). Or like just reach out and say hello-- it might take me a day to reply, but i will.

Love y'all so much, sorry for this long blurp about my life. But i just wanted to post something and try to reconnect.

What do y'all want to see me posting? Im down to try new things. ✌

Sending hugs and love,

💕-dad

[rjhg53ji-blog]

Geico home owner’s insurance?

Geico home owner s insurance?

I m in Cary, North Carolina

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SOURCES:

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[bts-love-sweat-tears]

Julie’s Love Yourself Concert Diary

Concert Date: September 29, 2018

Written: September 30, 2018

Warnings: I curse more than I should?

Words: 3,330ish-added a few  things at the last minute (phew!)

A/N:

[Update: Tumblr couldn’t upload all my photos that I spent awhile choosing and placing, so I’m going to have to pare it down. Sorry bbs! I opted to cut my personal & merch photos in favor of the boys]

So I have one thousand and one things I should be working on-for school, for work, for my eventual job hunt. But instead I am going to write about last night’s experience while it was still fresh in my mind. I was thinking of doing a song-by-song play-by-play, but you can look up the setlist on Wikipedia, so instead I am going to talk about the things that jumped out at me. WARNING: This is essentially one giant spoiler, so I will try to put a “Read More” cut, though it’s been being weird for me lately. So scroll carefully if you’re going to a later date and don’t want to know. All photos taken on my (now ancient) iPhone 6, so I tried to choose the best ones). Will edit as I see typos I made.

I’m a little nervous since I usually write fiction instead of sharing my personal experience. Anyway, full disclosure that this is just my perspective, and I’m (always) happy to discuss things (civilly) if you disagree with me.  <3  Photos and opinions are mine.- please don’t re-post anywhere else.

The Background/ Pulling a Namjoon and Leaving my Ticket at Home

Even though I was going to the Saturday show, I flew into LaGuardia using frequent flyer miles on Friday morning. I was staying with a friend in Queens, so I went straight to her apartment. I’m a grad student as most of you probably know at this point, so I spent most of Friday working on a paper that was due. I had two friends I met at last year’s concert going to the Friday concert, and they went for merch promptly at 9, but I had just arrived and had a deadline to meet for school.  Around 4:30PM, I decided that I was done for the day and opened Ticketmaster to print my ticket for the next day’s show. When I logged in, I saw the notice that the ticket had been mailed to me. I remembered having seen that when I bought the ticket in May, but in my defense I was jet-lagged and ill on that day. Furthermore, I moved to and from NYC in that time for a summer internship, and SO MUCH HAD HAPPENED. The tickets had been mailed while I was living here and I had never seen them, so somehow it slipped my mind. Obviously I lived too far away, but I didn’t know if I could express overnight them, but I think when I called Ticketmaster, the old ones were deactivated when the guy tried to send me the link.

Anyway, print at home was not an option, so I called Ticketmaster and in a panic explained my situation. They said it happened all the time and offered to send me a link. Luckily I kept the rep on the line, because it turned out that even they couldn’t email a link because of the anti-scalpers/fraud/whatever.

Then the rep said that I could show the credit card, but I had literally cut it up the week prior since the Vendor (e.g. the store that the card was through) had switched their card to a different bank (e.g. Visa to Mastercard), so I seemed shady af, even though I was telling the truth. He said as long as I had a login to a statement showing the transaction (I didn’t, since they had opted to close the account at an institutional level).  So I called my mom frantically, and luckily she is the hyper-organized type who keeps paper copies of everything and sent them to me. Seriously, Mom for the win!  I run to this print shop as it’s closing and print everything out.  I had the Ticketmaster receipt & order #, and two photo ID’s confirming my address. The guy said it should be fine, but I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. This was my one birthday gift and something I had been looking forward to for months. Anyway, my friend and I went out to a local bar near the Halsey (yes, the singer took her name from the station) stop on the L line, and I was super anti-social because I was so upset. I also burst a blood vessel in my eye  (it will heal, no worries) because of too much birthday partying the prior weekend, so I’m sure I was a (sour) sight to behold.

I slept poorly for obvious reasons, and left the apartment around 7AM, and arrived to Prudential center around 8:30ish. There were only a few people outside of will call, but the GA line was already wrapped around the building. I made small talk with people outside of the box office, and one woman told me she had gotten soundcheck both days. Seriously, what kind of karma do I need for that to happen to me? She and her friends had been camping out since Thursday, and they were SUPER organized: while she waited in line, one was at merch, and someone else was holding their GA site. I almost wondered if they were a fansite or something. ARMY are a truly organized bunch (except for me, clearly).

Anyway, after another half hour of pure anxiety, they opened up will call and I was panicking, but they were really helpful and gave me my ticket after I verified the order number, showed my id and confirmed some other personal data. I decided then and there that nothing else mattered and I was just happy to be there and be in.

Waiting in line/Logistics/Staff

I left the box office, and got into the GA line. It was probably around 9:15, and the line had already doubled-back on itself all the way around the building. The woman from earlier told me that her friend had got #1000 and was only 3 rows back, so I still had some hope. Basically, you line up to get your spot in line- though it’s kinda dumb that you have to line up twice, it makes security go faster and guarantees that there isn’t a huge surge/stronger people cutting  in line later.

I wore what I thought were my most comfortable shoes, but after standing on concrete for hours, I don’t think it makes a difference. People were so friendly though-  I never once felt awkward even though I was by myself. The same was true last year- the friends who had gone up for merch on Friday I met while in line at last years’ Wings concert. I chatted with people around me, drank the two bottles of water I had, and looked at my phone. Bring an umbrella for shade and sunscreen though-I didn’t and am rocking a nice farmers burn/tan today.  It wasn’t humid though, and it wasn’t raining, so it could have been so much worse.

Even though there were tons of people, everyone was well-behaved. I didn’t see any altercations, though as the day went on the staff seemed a bit overwhelmed with crowd control.  I didn’t see too many people selling unofficial merch like last year, though I did buy a few necklaces (Joon and Chim, ofc).

After 3.5 hours, I finally got my wristband. They told us to be back by 2pm to line up for real, as they were going to try to open the doors at 3 instead of 3:30 (didn’t end up happening).

Merch

I then ran to merch, but there wasn’t much left. The fans/pickets were selling out as I got in line, and people were basically yelling “NOOOOOOOO” everytime the staff put up a “SOLD OUT” sticker. I bought what I could that was left, including a bracelet, which I’m actually in love with, the eco-tote (super overpriced tbh, $50 for a canvas bag), but the shopper bags were gone and I needed something to carry the box and batteries V3 ARMY Bomb I bought. I had one from last year that I also forgot, but I think the new version was cool because they are synced up with the music so you can change colors and patterns along with everyone else. Overall, it’s EXPEN$$$$IVE, but if anyone’s worth it, it’s Bangtan.

Newark

I was getting super tired after this, so I kinda passed on the photo studio table, big poster, and UNICEF stuff. I tried to go to Starbucks, but even though it was the middle of the day, I didn’t feel that safe, even though it was like 11:45 in the middle of the day. I’m a 27 year old who’s lived in Latin America (which is generally stereotyped for violence), solo traveled around the world, and I’m from the Rust Belt (aka home of true urban decay), but that part of Newark sketched me the heck out. Probably it would have been fine, but I opted for caution, and went to a Dunkin Donuts and empanada place right around the corner. The timing was actually good since we had to get back pretty quickly to line back up.

The second line was where the staff struggled, telling people to back up and get in order, but it seemed like staff were doing different things. Plus, if they wanted people to back up, they should have created room at the back first, before telling the front to basically “back that ass up” on the people behind them.

GA vs. Seated

I can say this- if you are short, you probably want a seat. Or if you have any kind of knee, back, or joint problems- I stood for approximately 14 straight hours on concrete yesterday. I am just under 5”5” but I was probably one of the taller people in the crowd, so I had a pretty good view. Even though they asked people to not take videos or record, you WILL be looking through a sea of cell phones. I could see pretty well, but sometimes when they were on the main stage I had a hard time seeing around other people’s arms.

Last time I had P2 seated, and the view was wonderful. I went to the bathroom, charged my phone, and ate nachos (lol), so it was generally a more chill experience. I was still super close but up a little higher and could see absolutely everything. But last night I was SO close I could see Joon’s dimples irl, and got splashed by both Jungkook and J-Hope when they threw the water bottles.  Probably 100 people think this, but I’m also pretty sure Yoongi  (and maybeeee Jimin) saw me jumping and singing along like crazy since I was one of the taller people. At the very least, Yoongi keep looking in the general direction I was in. Ofc I looked gross af with my messed up eye and crazy hair, but what I loved about the concert is that I was 100% able to forget all the insecurities I carry around with me on a day to day basis and have an AMAZING time.

Of course the whole place is crazy high energy, but I feel like last night was INSANELY high. I’m not sure if it was the overall vibe or if that was the GA influencing my opinion.  It just depends on what kind of experience you want to have. Also, if you are claustrophobic, you should probably pass on GA. The guards kept forcing people to back up, at one point even coming in with a flashlight, and people would surge forward whenever a member came close. But someone said the night before was chill, so maybe it’s just luck of the draw.

The Show

The show was absolutely amazing. They opened with IDOL, which got people hyped from the get-go. Their dancing was ON POINT as always. People were chanting during the intro videos and chatting as it filled in, so it was a great vibe once again- just super happy feeling. The audio visual part was AMAZING, though I’m no pro, and I loved all of the concert outfits, especially Jimin’s super sparkly sweater. Lots of jumping, and lots of screams. I didn’t have earplugs and was fine, but if you’re sensitive to loud sounds I definitely recommend them. ISTG I remembered hearing a mashup of FIRE, but maybe not? Wikipedia seems to think not. But they played a few older ones too, which made me so soft and nostalgic.

More on the members during the concert

Kim Namjoon

Ok, this is so so so biased, let me start with that. If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you know how much I love this man. Seeing him smiling and happy was amazing. And they had a professional translator for this concert, so I felt like Joon was able to relax a little and enjoy himself instead of worrying about translating for everyone else.  He is just as tall and proportional as everyone says he is.  Everyone talks about how soft he is these days (and I love it), but he has undeniable charisma when he raps. Plus him in sunglasses, ddaeng. Seeing him so close was akin to something spiritual for me (I SAW THE DIMPLES WITH MY OWN EYES), as were people shouting along with him to “Love.” At the end, he commented how we were all sharing the same air, and hearing him think the way (I know at least some of ) us think was so heartwarming.  

Also during some of the videos, there were some NOT AT ALL subtle Minjoon moments.  

Kim Seokjin

The crowd last night ADORED Jin and gave him all the attention he deserves to have all the time. People were chanting his name SO LOUDLY during instrumental breaks in Epiphany. His voice was phenomenal, particularly the high notes. it’s clear how hard he’s worked to make it sound so effortless.  I noticed that people weren’t moving as much during some of his notes and I can only think it’s because we were literally transfixed. It’s well established, but I don’t think this man has any bad angles. Even in the still pictures I took while dancing, he DOESN’T look awkward in any of them. #impossible.

Min Yoongi

Suga was clearly happy about something last night- he was SO cute and happy. Other ARMY on the train back to the city agreed with me. His rapping was fire (duh), but he was really smiley and took out his earpiece a number of times to hear us screaming. “Seesaw” starts with him laying on a couch and I can think of no better way to capture his true soul (lol). He was extra attentive to fans, and  I feel like what Tae mentioned in Burn the Stage, he was trying to memorize ARMY’s faces and live in the moment. I felt bad because there were clearly parts where he wanted us to sing along, but we couldn’t necessarily keep up with his tongue technology :P  But people definitely tried their best.  

Jung Hoseok

Idk what I can say here that’s new. J-Hope is one of the most charismatic members on the stage. And there’s something in the American air that turns him into Jay Hope. Seriously, he’s hard to move your eyes away from. “Just Dance” was the first solo track if I remember correctly and he did not disappoint. His glasses at the end were adorable, and one of the other members called him a “happy grandfather” or something like that.  Seriously, if you’re still sleeping on Hobi, we can’t be friends.  

Park Jimin

Jimin was ethereal as always, and the choreography for Serendipity was…..salacious, to say the least. Like if you thought the “Take Me Down” cover from last year’s Festa was too much, then idk what to tell you. Bring holy water or something. Despite  the free water that fans were providing to others (ARMY are seriously the best) there was a different kind of thirst occurring, if you smell what I’m stepping in. Jimin is pure charisma, like J-Hope. Obviously their styles are totally different, but when they move, you stop whatever you’re doing and watch. Again, I didn’t even see many ARMY bombs moving during Serendipity- I think we were too entranced. I personally thought that he killed his vocals and did great, but he seemed a little tired or like he was working hard at it. Jimin was also the one (at least that I saw from my angle) that got the closest to the fans, crouching down and leaning over the teleprompters/fans/lights/ whatever the black boxes were at the edge of the stage.

Similar to Tae and Yoongi, I saw him looking at fans A LOT during the show. He was exactly how he seems in V Lives and cameras, and I’m fairly certain I would spontaneously combust if I ever ran into him irl (even if I didn’t know who he was)- he just radiates warmth and friendliness. Seriously, if I believed in magic, I feel like he would be able to influence people’s emotions.

Kim Taehyung

So many fic writers have this ultra primal (for lack of a better word?) for Tae, but all I see is a cute sweetheart. Obviously I’ve never seen someone create as much tension with their own arm as he does during Singularity, but when he’s not dancing, I just got a super innocent, cutesy vibe from him. His voice was so smooth last night. I mean, I knew, but now I KNOW.  He actually was shooting hearts at one fan (how lucky they are), and pretended to fall down when they shot him back! They were further back in P2 as well so he really does work hard at paying attention to everyone. He actually called over another member (maybe Yoongi or Jimin? I was too busy trying to remember how to breathe, to see whatever he was seeing).

At the end he whipped a heart out of his beanie (how I pray to god someone got that moment on camera) a la Jin. He just seemed really comfortable in his own skin last night, and I was so grateful for it.  

Jeon Jungkook

I had a hard time seeing most of his Euphoria performance as it was relatively early on and people were taking a shit ton of videos. He also stayed mostly on the main stage, rather than come out to the extension area near where I was. His abs are just as great in person, and the screams were (as is to be expected), absolutely deafening. They’ve talked about it in shows, but his voice is  SO stable. Obviously they stopped at times and don’t use too much backing vocals, but it sounded EXACTLY how it does on the album. He threw something into the crowd  (I think a banner) at the end, and it FLEW so far-back to P2 or further. They’re not kidding when they talk about how strong he is.  

Final thoughts

At first, I was a little exhausted after my emotional trauma of the prior day, and from standing for so long but the minute it started I forgot everything else. I was salty when I couldn’t see that much bc of people recording (esp when they asked us not to), but I understand the specialness of the moment and wanting to have some tangible evidence that you were there. By the time the concert was over, I realized how special GA was, even if it’s more difficult logistically (since I went solo and didn’t have parents or friends to stand in). I still don’t know if it’s hit me that I was like 10 feet away from them, max. It reaffirmed how important they are to me. I didn’t write this to brag, but to hopefully share my perspective and let others live vicariously through my experience. If you want clarification or anything else, write to me!  

#love yourself tour #newark day 2 #bts #bts army #concert diary #concert musings