#its like seeing every shitty person from 2012 tumblr again

[yb-cringe]

Dsmpblr i love you so much but holy shit dsmptwt makes me wanna gouge my eyes out burn the whole platform down they literally ran their own favorite creators out of there with their thick toxicity and close mindedness i cant fucking stand it

#its like seeing every shitty person from 2012 tumblr again #‘why would i even WATCH this episode if these characters arent even in it ‘ choke #fuck you #just holy shit

[firelxdykatara]

not gonna lie I would love to hear more about the drama and infighting that went on in The Vampire Diaries fandom if you have the time (and also want to use that time to give your experience with the fandom, which from the snippets you've told sounds Not Fun so I get it if you don't want to lol)

oh god, there was like, SO MUCH, i just

i really feel like tvd is one of those fandoms that is so hard to describe without a lot of ‘you’d have to have been there’, but it really felt like this huge and all-consuming beast for about five years until the show finally imploded and the fandom basically turned on it en masse. (you ever see that post going around that’s like ‘if you ever want to know what true regret feels like, ask someone who once called tvd their favorite show’? still a mood, all these years later. basically the entire fandom thought the show should have just bowed out with whatever shreds of dignity it had left at the end of season 6, and became more of a hatedom than a fandom for the last two seasons. when you have an entire fandom cheering news of your show’s cancellation, i think that’s a sign you done fucked up, julie.)

first and most infamous, of course, are the ship wars. which are pretty much inevitable in any teen-centered drama, and i really think the CW fucking thrives on them, but it was particularly egregious in TVD’s case because not only was the base premise of the show a love triangle, but the two main romantic leads were brothers that the show constantly pit against one another--in pursuit of elena’s affections, but also because it kept up this insistence on the ‘good brother/bad brother’ dichotomy which stopped making sense after about season 2 (by which time we have found out that the good brother was never as good as he appeared, and the bad brother has been growing and isn’t nearly as bad as he pretends to be)--and the question of which brother ‘deserved’ elena (and no, what elena wanted very rarely factored into these discussions, especially in the team stefan camp because they turned on her when what she wanted was no longer The Good Brother, but i’ll get to that in a bit) was hotly contested.

i’m not kidding when i say the shipping wars were vicious. i started watching tvd shortly after it began to air, which was late 2009, and kept up with it fairly sporadically over the years. i didn’t come onto tumblr until 2011/2012, and by then, the fandom was already pretty much a garbagefire. there were anti ship and anti character blogs, any time something bad happened for one ship the rival ship would invade the tags to gloat about it (seasons 3 and 4 were especially rough, and i’m not gonna pretend delena fans weren’t just as bad about tag invasion and shit, but as that was my side of the road i saw a lot more of the stelena shippers being assholes, which soured my opinion on the ship a long time before i started rewatching and realized the red flags were there from the start), confessions blogs were popular also toxic as fuck (so much fighting happened in the notes of those posts, good gods), and this was right around when twitter’s popularity was on the rise and the line between Celebrity and Fan was thinning, so the fandom was absolutely atrocious to much of the tvd cast and crew.

(some of them deserved a lot of the later backlash, but in the early years a lot of it was ‘how dare you write the story in a way i dont like, you terrible fucking person’, and gods don’t get me started on the dobsley vs nian Thing)

i think what really encapsulates my feelings on the tvd fandom as a whole, though, is the way they (to this DAY) treated elena gilbert, which can be summed up in one meme that gained a lot of traction around season 3 if i remember right: that gif of pam from true blood, with the text altered to read “i’m so OVER elena and her precious doppelganger vagina!”

i swear at one time i had over half the active tvd fan accounts on tumblr blocked, because i got to a point where i would no longer tolerate elena hate, and she was (and still is, in what remains of the fandom; you’ll see a lot of ‘elena was one of the worst things about the show’ takes from ex-fans, too) one of the most widely despised characters in the entire fandom. because she -checks smudged writing on hand- was a traumatized teenage girl who -reads off a crumpled notecard- couldn’t always perfectly sort out her own feelings and -squints at the ceiling- sometimes made mistakes or bad decisions. (except a lot of the fandom also insisted that she was a mary sue who had no character traits or flaws or faults and it was like....make up your fucking minds???? is she a calculating conniving bitch whose somehow manipulating these centuries old vampires to tie them around her little finger or is she a boring flat character with no depth and no flaws??? jfc)

there was this massive double standard, too--like, stefan and damon could fuck whoever they wanted and that was fine, but elena was constantly raked over the coals for the crime of developing romantic feelings for the two men who had become constants in her life and whom she cared for deeply, and oh my GOD the slut shaming that happened when elena slept with damon was fucking wild. (and also happened in canon lmfao. like the show had one of elena’s best friends basically call her diseased on screen for falling in love with someone other than stefan. it was gross and ridiculous and the friend in question was also being a giant hypocrite at the time since she was happily flirting with someone who was directly responsible for the deaths of like four of elena’s loved ones and her own boyfriend’s mother but that’s beside the point) but like elena was called a slut and a bitch and a whore for ‘cheating’ on stefan (she hadn’t, and she had in fact broken up with him on screen the episode earlier) and ‘immediately’ jumping into bed with damon, even though none of them said fucking boo when stefan had one night stands or damon had fuckbuddies or whatever.

shit, caroline didn’t get any of this treatment when she started falling for tyler while dating matt! which isn’t to say i think she should have, just that i think it’s fucking ridiculous that elena was absolutely demonized by the fandom for daring to have feelings for two guys at once and eventually acting on them--despite the fact that the entire premise of the show was a love triangle. it’s not a love triangle if both sides don’t eventually get explored, and the crew had been pretty explicit about the fact that delena was going to happen at some point--but when it did, a huge chunk of the fandom absolutely threw a fit.

and a lot of these elena haters were alleged stelena stans, and i say alleged because they hated her so much for not wanting stefan’s dick anymore that it was clear they were really stefan stans and only wanted stelena to be endgame because they wanted stefan to ‘win’ at the end of the day, because ‘he’s the good brother’ so he deserved elena more.

it was all very gross and very misogynistic and very sex shaming (apparently delena was a ‘shallow’ and ‘superficial’ relationship because they had sex after two years of unrequited feelings slowly becoming requited and then pining for ages on both sides, and because they had a lot of on screen chemistry that the show capitalized on for years so of course they did a lot of making out and shit but it’s not like stelena didn’t have its fair share of making out and sex scenes, stefan was just too much of a coward to let elena top i’d apologize for that joke but i’m really not sorry because it’s true), and when i say it was egged on by the crew, that’s because they refused to let the love triangle die back in season 4 when it should have.

they insisted on stringing stelena fans along, dropping little bread crumbs to keep them invested, like dreams of a future where they were married and revealing that stefan was also a doppelganger and he and elena were descended from a pair of star-crossed lovers (a plot that ultimately went nowhere, to no one’s great surprise), and then fucking like. julie plec turned around and threw nina under the bus after she chose not to extend her contract and pretended that stelena might have happened again if she hadn’t left the show, which....i mean frankly i wouldn’t put it past her, but it would have been shitty writing. then again, she thought having a vampire pregnancy where a uterus was magically transplanted from a witch into a vampire that could somehow......carry the babies to term.... made sense and was a good way to accomodate candice’s RL pregnancy rather than like literally ANYTHING else, soooooo. but anyway julie saying that around like, end of s6 sparked off a new wave of nina hate and elena hate and ship wars bc they SEers took it as ‘confirmation’ that stelena was REALLY meant to be endgame and it was all just a hot fucking mess

another thing is that, while tvd was in its prime before the anti/purity culture shit started picking up any real steam, there was still this pervasive attitude throughout the fandom that if you liked Damon, you were A Bad Person. liking damon was apparently grounds for insults and harassment, and apparently he was The Worst Person on the Show even though literally nothing he does on screen is any worse than shit we know stefan has done (and frankly every other vampire too, but i mention stefan specifically because he was always held up--in the show but especially in the fandom--as the Good Brother while damon was the Bad One, and if you liked damon more then that had to mean your morals were dodgy and you clearly couldn’t appreciate what a heroic and saintly figure dear stefan was and....oops, i’m sorry, my salt keeps leaking -cough-).

meanwhile klaus quickly became a fandom darling despite not even really having much of a redemption arc (on tvd anyway, he just became more ‘affably evil’ as the show went on and more inclined to work with the main characters rather than try to kill them; i have no idea what went on over on his show, though), and like i can 100% appreciate liking villains and not caring that they do dodgy villainous shit, even just liking them bc they’re hot and wanting them to kiss a main character bc they have insanely good chemistry (yes i ship klaroline, no i won’t apologize for it, they could have been Really Great), it’s just really the double standard that gets me.

and all of this, incidentally, required ignoring some truly gross shit stefan was responsible for wrt his relationship with elena, that frankly it has always bothered me never really got addressed in the show. i get why elena herself would never be able to actually call him on it, but the fact is that he stalked her for months after he first saw her and thought she was katherine (meanwhile it only took damon .5 seconds to realize she was someone else entirely, but that’s another topic entirely), and then he deliberately inserted himself into her life because, in his words, ‘i have to know her’. he never gave a thought to how his presence in her life might affect her (or rather, he did, and tormented himself about it in his internal monologue, but never let this actually dissuade him from disrupting her life), and elena would wind up blaming herself for every tragedy that befell her friends and loved ones as a result of getting mixed up in vampire bullshit even though none of it was her fault--she literally blamed herself for existing but most of the fandom didn’t give a fuck about that lmfao--and stefan did shit like find out that she was adopted and then withhold this information from her until she got pissed about another secret he was keeping (her resemblence to katherine) and drop it on her to try and distract her from her very reasonable anger, and like... i should stop before this becomes a whole rant about how much i hate stefan fucking salvatore, but the point is, he did a lot of really sketchy shit he never answered for and elena never really took him to task for, and the fandom just kept eating up his insistence that he was the Good Brother and therefore he deserved to have elena, and if she didn’t want him anymore it was because she was a heinous bitch who didn’t deserve him.

uh.....i think i got off track there. and there’s probably a lot of shit i missed, like i think i was incandescent with rage for most of seasons 5 and 6 so i missed a lot of the interfandom shit cause i was too busy being increasingly pissed off at the show itself, but if nothing else this should give you an idea of how much of a goddamn cesspit the fandom was while the show as in its prime. there’s a reason both the show and the fandom have such a lousy reputation lmfao.

#the vampire diaries #tvd #tvd fandom salt #anti stefan #anti stelena #salt for ts #asked #Anonymous

[nvzblgrrl]

On the subject of old fics 1

Allegedly, A Gentleman’s Tale (published 1-6-2012) was my first fanfic ever (again, allegedly - will explain after a bit). It only exists now as a private copy at least one person has saved and a capture on the WayBackMachine (which thankfully covered the whole ten chapters of it), because I have a habit of... deleting stories that embarrass me after the fact. It’s something I’m trying to break myself of, mostly because there are a number of people who do enjoy my work even if most of what I see in it are the flaws and I would feel bad about taking away something they enjoyed.

The ‘allegedly’ part comes in in that, based on my memories of my One Piece OCs and stories (along with more concrete evidence from my tumblr), I had a few OCs with snippets of story (with one who had at least a few chapters worth of story that I have memorized in broad strokes) attached that preceded that by at least one or two years, even though the description of ‘my first fic’ was in the synopsis of the fic as it was posted. Unfortunately, it’s hard to trace that information thanks to the ‘destroy all the evidence of me embarrassing myself’ habit (I completely deactivated my deviantart account on account of ‘cringe’, that’s how bad it got) and the passage of time making it unclear which mutuals might have been around at that time or if they even remember those things.

Now, I still have the computers that I typed up those stories on (they’re hanging out in my basement), but - they haven’t worked in quite a while. I’m not sure if they’re completely bricked or not, but I haven’t had anything to do with them for a while and I know that at least one of them was replaced because it refused to turn on anymore. Someday, I might get the chance to pull out their hard-drives and get a look at the data there, but that’s not a ‘now’ solution so...

Anyway - got a bit distracted there -, thanks to the power of the WayBackMachine, I was able to reread this specific fic in its entirety.

‘A Gentleman’s Tale’ was a little thing that was pretty much Brook backstory wrapped up in the framing device of Luffy wanting a story to help him get to sleep. I was 18, had maybe a year or two of creative writing experience/interest under my belt, and a whole lot of Soul King Stan energy to spend on my favorite character despite being at the tail end of my high school career.

Surprisingly, it was not entirely awful for an alleged ‘first attempt’. The formatting was a little eh, the pacing was borked, and a lot of characters were fairly flat (and a few leaned too hard on certain stereotypes while a lot had Western order names for some reason), but other than that, it was actually palatable. Ten chapters, about 8000 words, not a whole lot to write home about or find objectionable outside of the odd grammatical error and the fact that alcohol is mentioned in almost. every. single. chapter.

Seriously, I have no idea why that was a thing for me 2012-2013ish (it ended up in Witt and Witticism a little bit - more heavily on the rewrites that never took off back in the day but a little present in the original too). I was 18-19. I’d never had alcohol. I still haven’t had alcohol. I’d never really been around drinking at that age, socially or not, beyond like, enjoying brew fries and eating chicken tenders at a bar one time because my shit father wanted to have lunch there for some reason. I just guess that I woke up at the start of 2012 and thought Drink Mixing and Booze were interesting things.

The story wasn’t much to write home about, but the characters are the real area of interest here, so let’s cover them and a few of my plans for handling them in the rewrite.

Brook - Starts out his backstory being seasick, gets to have five decent minutes when he meets Yorki, and then is immediately shoved into the wall-to-wall shitshow that’s his life as the battle convoy captain and resident responsible adult, despite 70% of the convoy being at least ten to fifteen years older than him. Somehow that makes his interest in getting black out drunk almost every single night sound reasonable. Seriously, that’s what he was doing in that story, according to what happened almost every other chapter of the fic (because pacing is for writers on their third or fourth story). That’s one reason why the timeline is being stretched out in the rewrite plans - so we don’t kill the main character through alcohol poisoning (though with the kind of stress he was under in that original cut, I can’t blame him for trying - he got saddled with three weird + constantly fighting teenagers and a dying military organization, snubbed by the king, publicly embarrassed in front of 90% of the kingdom’s nobility, and so on in the course of two to three days max). Honestly, in retrospect, I’m not sure how well this plays with the framing device of Brook relating his backstory 62 years later, because he should have lost so many brain cells to this nonsense.

Yorki - Starts his introduction by saying ‘hey, my name’s Yorki, i’m close, bi, and willing to take you on a whirlwind adventure literally two seconds after meeting you’ which Brook immediately responds to as the best thing that’s happened to him in the last (and probably next) month. Probably the only person in Brook’s life as of the fic not stressing him out or enabling his self-destructive coping habits, though that doesn’t stop him from being one of the better things Brook woke up to after one of his blackout drinking nights. Also got an incredibly shitty nickname thanks to me not knowing how that sort of thing works from his mom. In the rewrite, he’s from Ohio (because I and my Middle-Ground lingering Self-Insert are from Michigan and the opportunity for a struggle between ‘hey we’ve both being isekai’d into this weird place and have similar backgrounds/music tastes so we’re going to hang together based on that’ and ‘200 year old inter-state hatred turned into over the top sports rivalry and disliking the other state on principle’ was too good to pass up).

Luchere Gregg (Gregg being her surname) - junior member of the battle convoy. Incredibly thorny and violent personality, with very little respect for authority (outside of her father, probably) and a generally superior attitude towards literally everyone except her father, especially when she perceived someone as being weak and ‘uppity’ at the same time - Maysure was the main target of this (as was intended at the time of the writing), but considering that Luchere was taking a similar tone with Brook (which was probably intended to be for different reasons, but honestly reads very similarly almost ten years on, given that Brook’s everything is very much not in line with her ideal anything) but not Hana (who was ‘weak’ but definitely not trying to mess with Luchere’s preferred social order), I think I can get more development out of her in that dimension. Her everything was probably was cool and badass back when I was 18, but now she just strikes me as petulant and unpleasant brat.

Minalee Hana - Generic smart guy of the junior team, complete with ‘shy’ personality and ‘harmless cute’ look... which, in retrospect, makes it really confusing why she’d join a military force in the first place and just raises suspicions on the fact that she did. Honestly she could be a Government plant and I wouldn’t be surprised. Another ‘problem’ with Hana is that she was based on someone I was friends with at the time I wrote the fic, which kinda ended up helping me dislike her a lot on more recent rereads, just because of the nature of that real world ‘friendship’ and the way it blew up in the end (with a whole lot of ugly reveals along the way that went back to pretty much when I first met that person).

Maysure Semenov Tara Su-all Evony Taebory Celeste - was originally a parody of the Mary Sue archetype, as you may have guessed from the name. Flashy, overeager, desperate for acknowledgement, and not quite managing to act in ways appropriate to her age (15, directly stated in text), either being too cutesy with her speech pattern and body language or dressing in ways that would be suited for a very different profession than soldier. I ended up liking her the most out of the junior trio out on my most recent rereads, just because she’s the only member of the group that’s actually making an effort at anything (well, beyond Luchere being hostile + trying to make Brook leave), doesn’t go out of her way to be hostile or destructive, and isn’t vaguely there in a way that makes me suspicious. Apparently was the only one of the junior trio ever stated to have weapons training (with Luchere being an unarmed fighter and Hana... just being there) and was apparently dedicated enough to it to have the schedule for the different training drills memorized.

Captain Gregg - the former captain of the battle convoy. He was never seen, only ever referenced in the fic. Based on the content, he was pretty much Luchere 1.0 - crass, unpleasant, violent, and without a lot of tolerance for those that couldn’t deal with or keep up with the unfortunate matter of his everything. The notes on rewrite so far have him becoming a lot more pleasant and lot less generally awful person, though still a bit of a roughneck and unpleasant to be around if you aren’t cut from the same cloth or a similar weave. Was not inspired by Captain Clegg until I started imbibing pop culture in preparation for the various parts of the project.

Jeevenine - quartermaster of the battle convoy, bartender, and carrier of heavy butler vibes, which feels like it might have been intentional. Said to be a master of ‘improvisation combat’ but honestly seems to be the person most likely to have taught Brook his style of fencing (based on his speed and precision being noted as something Brook had difficulty keeping up with in text) and his gentlemanly ways, considering every other character I wrote into the convoy is some flavor of hot mess and either a bruiser or a gunman. Still loses points for enabling Brook’s blackout drinking habits and being passive-aggressive instead of properly helpful.

Jack Rackum and John Delacroix - sniper-spotter pair, as indicated by their nicknames of ‘Windward’ and ‘Leeward’ respectively. Highly implied to be in a long-standing romantic relationship with each other or at least in a long-term holding pattern of pining. Delacroix’s tendency to sleep in the nude is used as half of a ‘my eyes’ joke that Brook is the victim of (the other half is Maysure’s chosen nightclothes being both stereotypical of a ‘Mary Sue’ and vastly age inappropriate, which is a running gag with her). Rackum gets the most description out of the set, with his brown leather hat and green-grey hair being mentioned, along with his taste for fruity cocktails (he might also be an alcoholic, which isn’t really all that remarkable in this fic).

Kurotora Ren - Big Guy McHugeBeef. Also the guy responsible for keeping the battle convoy awash in homebrew booze. Almost kills Brook by accident during his introduction by clapping him on the back at the exact wrong moment. Doesn’t have a lot more detail than that, mostly because he slides into the background after that brief focus moment, but I like him for being genuinely sorry about the near-death thing on top of being friendly for real and not being duplicitous about his wants + thoughts.

Zest - noble. Stupid. Probably the closest thing that Brook has to a friend in his actual age range at the start of the story, which is really fucking sad considering Zest’s everything and the fact that Brook doesn’t enjoy his company at all. Somehow when I was 18, the idea of a guy who spent most of his time in some state of wasted and trying to get his ‘friend’ (who doesn’t even like him that much but seems to tolerate him more than literally everyone else Zest ever interacted with who wasn’t being paid) into a similar condition because of unrequited love or something was tragi-cute-slash-funny instead of pathetic and faintly disturbing (though I guess I might end up writing him as tragic again anyway just because it probably takes Some Shit to make a person like that). Spent 90% of his screen time in the old story making Brook’s life inconvenient and the remaining 10% fully aware that his own life is going nowhere. His personality is oddly similar to Maysure’s, which is... interesting, implications-wise. Holy Shit, is this guy going to be a trip to work with as an adult.

#the big fat one piece fic project #talking about old fic #a gentleman's tale #my writing #if you have any questions about this or other fic i've done feel free to fire away

[whenislunch]

This summer I saw my favorite artist perform live on an island off of Manhattan that used to serve as a jail/mental health institution.

When Frank Ocean came out with his screen grabbed text file posted as a “photo” on Tumblr in 2012, I knew the platform was something special - the one niche he could safely post something so revealing and vulnerable and still not open himself to the direct hate-filled or homophobic comments of any other forum. I had signed up for Tumblr the year prior. I joined with the fantasy of becoming a famous food blogger (and later as a nail artist) so I could quit my publicity job and score all of the PR perks that I so readily dished out to any 'mommy' with a touch of digital pretense.

Personal space on the vast internet was never my craving. I resisted being too present, and enjoyed the ability to control how much I “put myself out there” on facebook, twitter, and later Instagram. With my original two tumblrs, like Frank, I could focus on sharing and following the things I cared the most about: in early cases, it was fan art of Bill Murray, gifs of Daft Punk, and mostly photos of food I had eaten from the everyday life of a new New Yorker discovering the cult nature of the restaurant scene (a similar practice to my behavior as a teen taking shitty photos at punk shows in St Pete, Florida to pin on my bedroom wall). Tumblr became my collection of “curated cool," and nobody cared how hard I was trying or what I put up there, except for me, and it became my favorite place on the internet. Eventually, I realized all of the writers I was admiring on The Awl were including their Tumblrs in their bios, and I was there to follow them. I saw Rebecca Black become a meme before her one-hit would become a wedding band wonder. If sitting at the open kitchen counter at an edison bulb-lit restaurant was the closest you could get to a food industry version of “backstage”, then a Tumblr dashboard filled with all of the blogging generation of the “fake news media” was the analogy. It’s human nature to want to be seen and understood. Selfies perform better than friendies on Instagram - and GPOY’s on Tumblr… well I challenge anybody on music.ly to define the acronym without that peeking at the Childish Gambino Genius page first.

And that’s the tip of the iceberg for where I stand with Tumblr now. After three years of hanging out in the same field, they invited me to meet them at the dugout. After four months of interviewing and pitching challenges and pretending like I was at a digital optimization workshop, I was offered a job. After five years, or nearly, I’m ready for another one. I had the BEST time and the BEST TEAM working at Tumblr. Sentiment is incalculable, and being the Comms professionals that we are, we can swear to the moon that the effect of press results on a brand is unquantifiable when one piece can qualitatively alter the nature of the public’s perception versus the reality of a goal. And I had the the immeasurable luxury to be surrounded by the smartest, most creative, intensely productive, and to borrow a food world phrase - hardiest colleagues in the history of the internet.

My first day at Tumblr also belonged to six others - together we endured a questionable onboarding interaction and then were sent with laptops and branded hoodies to our respective seats at our superdesks on various floors. There were dogs everywhere. I was told that I’d be introduced to the company on Friday and to submit two truths and a lie to help them get to know me. Here they are:

I have photo credits in the New York Times and New York Magazine

I appeared as a backup dancer in a rap video in high school

I watercolor paintings of crustaceans as a hobby

Leave your guess in the comments (oh wait, it’s Tumblr, you can’t). 

Friday lunches were my lifeblood for a couple of months. Every week for at least seven thereafter unloaded a new set of amazing humans to be introduced in some absurd way by Sean from recruiting. I remember @sexpigeon vs Homer’s owner in game of pictionary, Johnny and Jake quickly competing for my heart as #1 engineer dudes, and of course, the instant classic game of Mark Coatney/ Marc Cote/ Marked Coat. Tumblr ramped up fast thanks to Lee, a fundraising series and at the tireless behest of my personal champion, Lindsey Dole.

Meanwhile, more magic was brewing in the cauldron. I heard @amandalynferri talking about some game she invented called Pretty Little Lasagna box, or I heard Maddie recalling the time she had her palm read in 14th street psychic's booth seeking refuge from a snowstorm, or @lexkap who sat on the other side of the building with a dog on her lap DM’d me on hip chat to show me her own nail art blog. Then a few of us won a chance to see a sneak preview of a new arthouse film by Harmony Korine and featuring an ensemble cast of former Disney talent that had been filmed in my hometown with a y2k airbrushed aesthetic - there was something innately emotional tied to each of us with this first viewing of Spring Breakers. When we left the midtown theater alongside the ATL Twins, I realized that this company had curated a community to match the intended behavior of its user base. We all connected on a level beyond any workplace I had experienced before.

And there was the professional side to the job - the work wins came quick because I was so lucky to sit under leaders who wanted the team to succeed. Rick Webb and Katherine encouraged me to dig in, and get deep with these shiny new toys called “evangelists” - Valentine, Nate, Liba, Annie, Max, Rachel, Jen, and briefly DCH. An enviable group of brilliant minds and creative energy who have all gone on to accomplish even more for their respective industries than a marketing budget at a start up could have enabled - and I had the pleasure to help share their Tumblr stories with the world - from a puppy bowl to annual southby's to groundbreaking art auctions to thirteen fucking fashion weeks to 35+ art and music shows (brrr)?

And then Tumblr got acquired and the Jenna Wortham turned the New York Times blue, and I got to do something I’m sure will never happen again in my entire career: I threw a party where the goody bag included a free tattoo, and multiple brave souls got them (Tyler, @bryanasortino, Megan & Johnny, among others).

And then Karen (aka #takingitallin aka @beautifulliving) joined, and me and Katherine gained a new teammate at the same time that I gained a new soul sister (and because of her self-described passion for advertising I never had to write an announcement about a new ad product ever again.) I’ve never been more challenged to succeed as I have over the three years I sat next to Karen - a generous and driven woman with endless dreams of supporting others (literally, ask her about the gap in the undergarment sector), who will always find a spot to squeeze me into a photobooth. Even at her wedding.

And lucky us, because then we invited @lilders into the #teamcomms fold and wow, wow, wow was life good. It was my honor working with Lily as she grew from FIT intern into somebody we should all aspire to work for someday.

Which leads to me to the poker faced improv master of all - Katherine. Allora @alittlespace! I am so lucky she believed that this girl who came into talk about a hypothetical strategy to get Eleven Madison Park on Tumblr and then pitched her a fantasy football launch party hosted by Nick Kroll and Mark Duplass could fit in and have the privilege to join the Tumblr Communications team. KB - I’ve already written you the dopiest thank you letter and shared my orchid growing miracle secrets - but it can’t be said enough - I am so grateful to have worked for you for all of these years. You are the best boss, and we will always be the #bestteam.

Because of Tumblr (and @david), I had the pleasure of working with so many additional incomparable people on projects outside of my designated Marketing Comms position, wearing more hats than we even produced for branded activation swag:

Designing and contenting for months with the relaunch of the precious Staff blog with David, Peter, Damien, Tag, Toph, among others

Setting the inaugural year in review with Danielle, Amanda, Christine loose (and then doing it again and again and again, with the wonderful team at DKC - especially that time we added a serving Kale to America’s breakfast.

Marathoning dozens of events with amazing producers like Julia, Suzanne and Magic - and encountering the native talent that thrives on Tumblr like Humans of New York, Chloe Wise, Sam Cannon, Johnny McLaughlin, Jillian Mercado, to a point where I can honestly say “I knew them when.”

Participating in the first ever Sales Offsite aka the greatest bar mitzvah ever thrown by Lee Brown, Dan Walsh and Sarah Won and the rest of the coolest sales team ever assembled (here’s to you @katemaxx, @jeffdtaylor, Meredith, Ari, Kira, and so many more)

Reaching back into my fashion bag of tricks and launching three different clothing lines.

Creating partnerships to show off super surprises at nerd parties at Comic Con and another breaking the internet for Art Basel

Interviewing the CEO of Shake Shack for the one-time-only live episode of “5 with a side of fries" in front of the whole company.

Urgently dealing with Legal, Ads, Trust and Safety on one of the definitive news story of a generation after nine months of back channeling and reporting.

DOING IT FOR THE CULTURE: Racing with the content and analytics teams for stats on the contentious day of #thedress, and then bling rings, witches, boneghazi, superwholockians, wholesome memes, studyblr, emojis, and of course, the toe thing! Thus redefining what it means to “go viral.”

Cleaned a ball pit for the dude from the 1975 to make a splash into them and trolled a legacy music publication

And wow - it took me this long to mention Post It Forward…I am so proud of everyone who helped make Tumblr the most empathetic community on the internet: Nicole Blumenfeld, Jeff D’Onofrio, @skiphursh “Dolphin", @dougrichard, Andy Sebela, Jess Frank, Sarah Won @swon, @pauwow, the brilliant and diligent Michelle Johnson. From building the blog, commissioning the art, recruiting and onboarding the partners, writing the endless number of give/gets, planning the sponsored posts and social content, running the day to day on the blog (and bequeathing that role to Lily), then doing it again with the Mental Health Quilt and IRL with the Post It Forward Summit - I’ve found my new track as a special projects person who can take on any issue, even suicidal teens. If this is my legacy, I’ve planted seeds in the garden I might never see. And special thanks to Victoria, who allowed me to speak at Obama’s White House about why kids need a place on the internet that can help heal - so long as they can find each other.

As it turns out, adults need that, too. From tailing Frank Ocean’s Ferrari to the most woke, mentally aware community and on to, thank god, a bonafide company to match - I will forever cherish my time at Tumblr and I’ll forever been asking #whenislunch. But from every tomorrow on, it will be somewhere else. And you can find me on the internet! 

Here’s my LinkedIn, I’m looking. 

#bye tumblr #good luck david karp #this is my job #this is my life #memes #tumblr hq #tumblr staff

[herdustisverypretty]

AND ANOTHER TAG THING {warning: strong and possibly strange opinions, LONG ASS RAMBLES (which most definitely include strong and possibly strange opinions), frequent oversharing}

tagged by the lovely Angel <3

1. If you could go backward in time, what would you do first? #2008 Log- Don’t pretend to not be bothered by HC and co’s behaviour and actually call them out on their shit. Note to self: You don’t owe anyone anything. #2009-2014 Log- Start homeschooling earlier. Maybe actually tell people how you felt too? You might have gotten a diagnosis, and thus the treatment that has drastically improved your life, sooner and you’d probably have a lot less scars. Maybe none. And also might not be immune to the effect of regular painkillers. Also maybe then you’d be able to just get said painkillers from the cupboard where they used to be instead of having to ask your mother permission on whether you can have some- at age 22- and having to swallow them there to prove you’re not hoarding them for later (cause that’s right, you did that once, ya dumb little bastard). #2012-2013 Log aka You STILL don’t owe anyone anything- Also do not engage with HS AT ALL. Just nip that one right in the bud. Don’t even go there. PTSD ain’t fun. Also do not allow HC to worm their way back in later. PTSD still ain’t fun.  Though then you probably wouldn’t have written that one VIXX story and not only was writing that story enjoyable (sometimes???? ... maybe?????????), that story did also apparently help a lot of people too...so... maybe don’t fix yourself for the sake of those people who told you your writing helped them through a lot of their own shit. **Particularly never forget the one person who said they hadn’t cried themselves to sleep a night since finding your story. Taking that back from someone is not a nice idea.  LOTS OF SHIT THAT BASICALLY MEANS: stop trying to kill yourself, dumbass. people aren’t lying when they say things get better. well, somewhat. also don’t let people take advantage of and abuse you. or maybe do a bit. because your suffering has helped others and that’s all that really matters right? BUT JUST A BIT. definitely not all of it cause that was Shite. 

2. Conversely, if you could go forward in time, what would you want to see? Dumb men (I was going to say ‘straight, white, cis, American’ men but realised I’ve seen other types of men also being equally idiotic, SO I GUESS JUST MEN) being deleted from all youtube comments please. Also maybe shut down tumblr. I think we’d all benefit from that tbh. Also while I’m at it, can we have a game similar to Pokemon GO but instead of catching Pokemon you catch hot anime bishies. Get exercise and also get five thousand hot boyfriends :D Also retaining the nickname feature. Because that’ll be entertaining. 

3. What’s your favorite word and why? I’ve always been fond of kerfuffle. It just sounds so cute and happy. A kawaii way to say you fucked someone’s shit up. Petrichor is also a DAMN FINE word. It sounds satisfying and the meaning is EVEN MORE SATISFYING. 

4. Hot chocolate with milk or with water? Toppings? Marshmallows? It tastes better with milk, but as I at times have more than 3 a day (since I don’t drink coffee and need caffeine), if I plan to have more than 2 I will make them with water. I believe I have already stated my opinion on marshmallows as well lmao. 

5. If you could change one thing about your favorite fandom, what would it be? Tbh delete all appreciation for my absolute NOTP. And no, I don’t actually mean Akashi/Furihata like most other Akashi/Kuroko shippers; I occasionally state I don’t particularly care for that ship, but I tend to just ignore it and its existence for the most part. Whereas my actual ‘I FUCKING HATE THIS’ ship, NOPE I WANT THAT OBLITERATED> DELETE ITS EXISTENCE. WIPE IT CLEAN OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH. This can also be said to apply to one particular person in said ‘FUCK NO’ NOTP. I have frequently expressed my disdain for this character, I do not make it a secret, so it should be no leap to assume who, and which ship, I’m talking about here. 

6. You now have the ability to permanently alter one character from any fandom. Who do you pick, and what do you change? -Lmao. Okay. Well, I’ll name some names after all then, shall I?  -Can I just. Completely erase Momoi’s existence from KnB entirely? Jfc I cannot fucking stand her one bit. The only redeeming quality of her very 2D, bland, and at times downright offensive character, is her desire for the GoM to be friends again. And I could live without that somewhat nice sentiment if it meant the remaining 99.9% of her shittiness was gone. I will never like her. -I can occasionally stand her in fanfiction if she does’t have a major appearance, and also if she’s not being monumentally annoying. And even then I don’t feel any issues with killing her off due to dislike of her canon characterisation. I could literally care less what happens to her. Harsh, maybe, but I personally feel she brings nothing of value to this series, and tbh it would be far better, and certainly less cringey, without her.  -I have essentially been awake for 3 days so this is probably said with much less delicacy than I would normally use, though regardless of insomnia-induced aggression levels, the base feeling is the same. 

7. What is your philosophy on life? (Is it pointless, is it meaningful, is it what you make it, etc…) I honestly don’t care about things such as ‘the meaning of life’. We’re never going to know who put us here, if anything did, or what we’re meant to do, if there is anything, or why we are here at all. Just do whatever you want. Everyone’s going to die and the sun will turn into a black hole and swallow the earth and the universe will ultimately end in a rather unpleasant manner anyway. As long as you’re not harming anyone’s way of life, do what ever you want I could care less.  (that got kinda dark... I guess that’s what happens when people ask philosophical questions)

8. Would you consider getting a tattoo? If you would, what would it be and where would you put it? -Well the first tattoo I ever planned on getting (decided upon when I was 15), and the one I still want to be my first, is my recently passed dog’s pawprint tattooed on my left wrist; where I used to frequently self harm. The original idea was to get a tattoo of something meaningful there that would remind me every time I went to hurt myself that there’s still reasons for living. I stopped self harming around the same time my dog died in 2015, and even though I didn’t really need the reminder to not hurt myself in that way, I decided that getting his pawprint (which I was given a print of when he passed) would be especially nice, and would serve as a reminder of things I survived, and should I ever need a reminder in the future. My plan is now to get his paw on my left wrist (where the majority of damage was done, as he was my first pet), and when my cat also passes (hopefully not for a while still), I will get her pawprint on my right wrist.  -In less meaningful directions, I’ve also wanted the Grey Warden’s emblem tattooed on me for the longest time. I’m thinking thigh in terms of placement. idek what it is about them, or about the DA series in general. I mean, being a Grey Warden is arguably (is it tho) kind of a shitty thing?? You don’t really want to aspire to that if you enjoy, idk, LIFE? But their tagline of ‘In war, Victory; In Peace, Vigilance; In Death, Sacrifice’ IDK BUT IT JUST GOT ME.

9. What’s your favorite headcanon? (Could be your own or someone else’s) Shit, I have A LOT. *These are all mine as well! (mostly lol) -One that I’m still fond of is the hc that Kuroko becomes sleepy after eating a lot (particularly sugary things) which is one reason he eats quite lightly, and that the GoM during Teikou would always be attempting to overfeed him because they thought it was adorable when he curled up in their laps and went to sleep.  -Another I came up with is Akashi not being allowed to play videogames (and probably also not watch much TV) after his mother died. Thus, the GoM (and later Rakuzan regulars, YES YOU TOO MAYU WITH UR LOVE LIVE RHYTHM GAMES) would bring in their DSs and PSPs to school to let him play them as a much needed break from all the pressure being put on him.  -Ideas conceived with 6ubblegum earlier such as Masaomi actually having an unrequited interest in Kuroko’s dad when they were younger, and obviously him becoming quite upset when Kuroko’s dad married Kuroko’s mother. We also came up with the idea that Masaomi and Shiori’s marriage was arranged by their parents for mutual family benefits and that the pair never cared much for each other, and also that Shiori was aro (also I angstily suggested ‘imagine her crying under her veil as she walked down the aisle tho’). Then I also suggested the idea of what if Shiori and Kuroko’s mother were friends, going on playdates with their sons (and also the humorous idea of them putting baby Akashi+Kuroko in matching dresses). So in the end, Masaomi has never been much interested in his own son, and the only person who cared about Akashi truly was his mother, who is now gone. Also Masaomi becoming understandably VERY opposed when Akashi begins dating Kuroko in school.  -Anything involving mentally ill GoM + others (though a chunk of these aren’t even headcanons and more: I am 100% convinced these characters actually have these conditions). Especially fond of self-harmer Akashi.  -Also literally any hc where any particular character is either aro, ace, or both. I reeaaaally love ace Kise actually.  -AGENDER REO!!!!! -I’ll end it with a somewhat nsfw one. The shameless guilty pleasure with 6ubble of Kise and Kuroko being known as the sluts of the Teikou. They’ve definitely boned all the regulars (including NIji) at least once. Probably more. definitely more

10. Do humans have souls? Do animals? I’ve been awake far too long for these kinds of questions XD UHHH in my personal belief I’ve always maintained the idea that all living creatures (this includes humans, as humans are primates) have a sort of.. living energy?? My belief is that once a creature dies, of its lifeforce/energy/soul/the magic keeping it alive/whatever you fancy calling it, the personality part (which I would say comes from the brain and is made up of memories and of course the individual’s unique personality) goes to a plane with other deceased energies (suppose you could call this heaven of a sort - tbh I always pictured it as kinda like the pyreflies in FFX), while the rest of the energy (which I would say comes from the heart and is, I guess, the emotions the individual has experienced through life) is recycled and returned to the earth to be used again. SOOO a sort of somewhat logical theory that combines both afterlife and reincarnation. I also think that the recycled energies can recognise other energies they knew in previous lives. Not in a literal sense, but more like, they might feel an inexplicable connection, be it between two people, a pet and a human, etc etc. I kinda like the idea of this also explaining real life cases of supposed ‘soulmates’. Two energies meeting that once knew each other and were compatible in a previous life (sounds really YA romance I know). This could also be potentially used to explain some conditions or mental illnesses. Recycled energy that previously had lots of negative experiences may be renewed as someone who is also troubled (blame ur disorders on your energy ancestors lmao). This could explain troubled people who have no family history of any similar experiences. IT ALL SOUNDS VERY FANTASTICAL BUT YE. This has all come together after years of viewing and researching many different spiritual beliefs and recounts of spiritual or other ‘incredible’ events, in an attempt to kind of merge everything into something that could potentially be real and/or believable. Idk if scientifically this would make any sense, but I feel it’s logical enough to suit me anyways. 

11. What’s your favorite holiday and why? Well I have mentioned I’m pagan before, sooooo, my answer to this will probably be weird? XD LONG AND BORING BACKSTORY TIME: I didn’t really become self identified as pagan until the age of 13-14, and before that I grew up typically celebrating Christian holidays (Easter, Christmas) despite my immediate family not being religious at all. I always saw these holidays as more just time to be with family than anything else. So I do still celebrate Easter and Christmas as I’ve grown up with them in a culture that celebrates them whether you’re religious or not. I guess Christmas was always my favourite? It’s roughly a month after my birthday, far enough that I get double presents, but close enough that there’s still lots of ongoing excitement. And growing up it was typically the only time each side of my family would all be together (we’d alternate, one year at my mum’s parents, the next at my dad’s). But as I’ve gotten older, and grandparents have died and families have drifted apart, I’ve become less interested in both Easter and Christmas, seeing them now more as just times to buy stuff for people when you really can’t afford to, and tbh now I find myself more drawn to things such as Samhain (also ref that if you have seen spn, they butchered the pronunciation. it’s more akin to ‘sah-ween’ it’s an Irish word I think, which explains everything tbh) in particular. Before last year I had never sought out other pagans in my area and thus was a bit lax in my celebration of sabbats, so when I actually started meeting up with other people in my city early last year, it actually really changed things for me (so emotional sobsob). The Samhain I celebrated with this group earlier in the year (as I’m in the southern hemisphere, Samhain for me is in May) was actually a really really special thing that I did. It also happened to coincide around the 2 year anniversary of my dog’s death, and as Samhain (which has become modern Halloween to most) is a day for celebrating loved ones who have died, it was just a really nice experience to think about my dog, as well as my grandmother who died 3 months before him.  THAT WAS A LONG, BORING, AND MUSHY WAY OF SAYING THAT BASICALLY: ‘pagan Halloween’ (tho that term doesn’t even make sense lmao) is actually really lovely and memorable compared to almost every other ‘traditional’ holiday of my life. 

Geez you just happened to ask all The Big Questions. And you literally went from 100 to 0 to 100 and then probably to 1000. Or maybe that was just me. I AM VERY TIRED AFTER VOMITING ALL THAT OUT. also my finger joints hurt. 

WELL, if you got all through that, here are my own questions, which I totally Did Not steal from other question memes already in existence. I’m definitely not lazy. No I’m actually just very tired lol. These are all going to be fandomy/OTPy questions because WE REALLY NEED SOME LIGHT CONTENT AFTER ALL THAT. Plus everyone loves talking about their fandoms and shit. 

1. A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mind? 2. What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom? What fandom was it? 3. Your favourite fandom {for the people, not the thing you spazz over}? 4. Are there any fandom popular ships that you don’t like or just don’t get? Alternatively, are there any typically overlooked minor ships that you think are really underappreciated?  (hay this one i made up myself lol) 5. What was the first thing you ever contributed to a fandom? 6. What’s a popular romantic/sexual ship that you can only ever see as a brotp? (also me!) 7. If you had the chance to make your OTP canon, and your NOTP very clearly stated as ‘definitely not canon eVER’, how would you express this in your ‘new canon’? (i’m on a roll) 8. Which character is Daddy Material? (there’s always at least one, admit it) 9. Character you relate to and why? (please share all tragic similarities) 10. As either a reader, writer, or both!, what’s your favourite fanfic genre and/or tropes? Are there any you always stay away from? 11. Opinions on omegaverse (in any and all forms, ranging from early spn fics, to the surprising amount of BTS/kpop fics, or have you tried the Japanese manga take on omegaverse - or even.... Life From the Ashes)? 

Tagging: @6ubble-gum AGAIN LOL cause these are new questions and I want to see your answers | @the-chibi-sempai | @justsimplyl | @humanitys-shortest-soldier | @kelandry5 | @seijuurouus | @sugaless-coffee bro r u still alive | @kagabutt bcuz we still need to talk moar |

#self

[dearsadgoat]

recovery

recently, there was a major fire in my city. a little before the fire happened, i went through probably the lowest point in my life i’ve been in thus far. it culminated into one night of forcing myself to break down a number of walls and fake fronts i put up around me. these stood for about 5 years.

during that 5 year period i lied to myself and tried to trick myself into thinking i was something else so i could fit in with my rapidly changing friend groups, both online and in real life. i started distancing myself from a number of things, including shows, interests, and friends. i pushed away mlp for fear that my friends who were now falling out of it would ditch me if i were still into it. i pushed away my desire to learn music because the relationship between my brother and i only got worse as high school went on. i pushed away old friend groups for reasons so stupid i dont remember anymore.

instead of doing videos for fun and my own enjoyment, i started making them with the intention of becoming popular. i was never good at those and i wasn’t willing to learn to make myself better because i only wanted the success. the worst part about this was the fact that i did it for so long i managed to make myself believe that this was what i wanted, to be making low effort gaming videos on youtube well past its peak. because that’s what I thought I was going to “make it” doing. it should be noted i pushed away a group of youtuber friends before this, who may have been able to talk sense into me.

to this day i have only met one other person who makes videos.

fast forward to a few months ago. back in june, i started a new job, the one im currently working, doing lifeguarding at a pool. in july, my friends and i did our annual trip to anime expo, and aside from some incidents it was fun. i went on vacation with my family to arizona, and we saw a number of beautiful sights. i enjoyed it a lot.

however, this is the end of the fun.

anime expo, as always, brought me the panic of being around so many people. it isn’t the volume of people however, im relatively comfortable in a crowd. its the idea that i can look around in any direction and see people probably way happier and in better places in life than i am. look one way, i see a group of attractive people in cosplay that’s way better than mine. look the other way, i see a group of friends all laughing and clearly have shared interests, unlike my friends where we all have kinda splintered tastes so we don’t spend all the time together at conventions.

i spent a good amount of the convention wandering it with my friend mike. we went as Haru and Rin from Free, him being Haru, me being Rin.

around that time i was having major self image issues. i gained a good amount of weight the months prior, and i couldn’t lose it no matter what i tried, and consistently going to the gym, doing workouts given to me by professionals showing me no change killed my motivation. i couldn’t get myself to even go anymore come june.

so when mike was stopped by 10+ people (i stopped counting after a while) for pictures and to compliment him on his cosplay, meanwhile outright ignoring me, i started feeling like my image issues weren’t just “in my head” like i’d been told. despite this i tried my best to ignore it and move on. except i couldn’t.

the other cosplay i did was a crossplay of Mako Mankanshoku from Kill la Kill. I actually had the right length/hair color for Mako’s hair, so I saved money on a wig and got it cut like hers. the hair actually looked fine in context of the cosplay, however the cosplay in the context of anything was atrocious.

i couldn’t fit into the seifuku i bought, despite being sure to buy a size much larger than what you’d expect. trying to ignore my brain telling me im a fat fuck i improvised with a white shirt and a light blue neckerchief. with the wrong color shoes, basic shirt, neckerchief, basic skirt, and my hair cut instead of a wig, i was the definition of awful cosplay.

i hyped up finally being able to crossdress in public to myself for months. i’ve wanted to crossdress publicly since i was 15. at no other convention in the past did i have the courage. i got rid of pretty much all body hair, and upon finally being able to do so, i thought it was everything i wanted.

looking in the mirror showed me i was nothing more than an ugly fatass trying to look cute. i was the fucking person people at conventions take candid photos of and post on tumblr to make fun of. im sure im gonna one day come across a picture of me in that “cosplay” accompanied with some text about how embarrassing i was.

so with now both my cosplays fun sucked out of them by myself, the rest of the convention went on, but i couldn’t fully suppress the idea that i was unhappy.

the arizona trip i’ll save for another post, it’s a complete offshoot with it’s own backstory.

these are nowhere near all of the events i feel caused enough problems for what happens later, just the major ones. also there’s no way i can write every single thing that’s happened to me and contributed to my sad demeanor over the last 21 years.

after that though, the rest of the summer is a blur, i dont remember anything i did, and i don’t remember starting school again. i just know i’ve been going for almost 16 weeks now.

for some reason, a lot of things that didn’t use to bug me have been bugging me. stuff that I thought i’d grown accustomed to seeing, like the ever poisonous anti-male rhetoric that this site likes to parade. i’ve been on tumblr since i was like 13, i’ve seen it, i should be used to it and know to ignore it, right?

i guess not. every post i see related to something meant to make me feel shitty for being a guy takes another chip at me throughout the day. despite my best efforts i can’t forget them.

i just don’t have the energy to put up with stuff anymore, and it really feels like im out of energy to put into caring about things. i’ve been feeling like this since the beginning of the above five year period of not knowing why i wasn’t happy with what i was supposed to be happy with.

eventually we get to one saturday at work. two pools are being used for an event, the third is being rented out for a kids birthday party. im on the tower supervising the party when my best friend kaylie comes to rotate me. we chat for a sec, and as i start to walk off, she says my name. i turn around and she points at the water. no more than 3 feet from where im standing, two kids are wrestling in the water. except they weren’t wrestling for fun, they were wrestling to get on top of one another and drowning each other in the process. mind you, this is the deepest part of the pool and it’s only like 4 1/2 feet deep. I slide in, hoist up both of them, and launch into the caring procedure bullshit.

i get them out, tell kaylie im going to get a towel, and eventually other guards start asking me what happened. all of the sudden people are toting me as being a hero for making my first rescue withing my first year. you’d think that’s something to be proud of, right?

yeah you’d think that.

i felt nothing. all i had was that i was doing my job, and if it were like ten seconds earlier kaylie would’ve got them. i didn’t do anything special.

of course that ended up as a conflict in my mind, and on the way home i bought alcohol and spent the night drinking alone.

fast forward a few more days, and i get home from work. it wasn’t a particularly hard day, or any major thing happened, just a lot of small little things that chipped away at my patience, a few comments made by coworkers that really weren’t asked for, and this and that ultimately led to me driving home at the end of the night upset.

i get home, and think to myself im going to unwind with some video games. i dont remember what happened or what i was playing, but some major thing happened that led to me calmly turning off the game and turning to my computer to stare at it for the next two hours, only occasionally clicking to something new.

nobody tells you what it’s like to break. partly because, they cant. the way i see it everyone breaks differently. every breakdown i’d had up until that point had been loud, angry, and full of jerky motions through teary, blurred eyes. they were like someone kicking over something i was making in one fell swoop.

this time it felt like i watched someone pick away at the foundation until it all started to slide down like sand.

i broke, at first without tears, questioning what i was doing at that moment, and what i was doing in general. nothing made sense. my head couldn’t keep a thought for a moment. i felt like my chest was caving in. i didnt end up eating anything that night. i honestly can’t describe how i felt and what i did, it was such a blur.

i started going on a nostalgia scavenger hunt. something i had seen recently drove me to want to search out the mlp meetup group i used to be a part of. i found pictures of me and my friends at different events back in 2011, 2012, and i started doing what i can only describe as motioning a whimper. as in, whatever you picture when you think of whimpering, only without sound.

I saw pictures of me being happy, truly happy. i hadn’t been truly happy in the last 5-6 years since these pictures were taken. at least not for more than the occasional time.

as if on queue, a friend from one group of friends i changed myself to fit in with messaged me. i asked him if he wanted to take a trip with me, and i spilled everything.

i confessed to being a liar, a poser, a shitty person who couldn’t even tell his friends that he wasn’t everything he said he was. i told him at one point in my life i had actual ambition and ways to achieve success outside of being the scummy piece of shit i’d become when i became friends with them. (please dont misunderstand, they’re good people, i just had a warped sense of what i needed to do to be their friend back then)

he let me angrily type and rant and have a major breakdown to him without interruption for almost an hour, and finally he paused me and started trying to talk me through this.

after he gave me his piece on the matter, i turned to another one of my best friends, jacob. jacob was one of the irl friends i went to meetups with, and we’ve been friends since middle school. we’re closer than anyone else i know i’d bet, even closer than kaylie and i.

because of time differences, our conversation lasted the next two days, basically telling him everything, that i wasn’t happy with myself, that i haven’t been happy with anything for a long time. the only thing that mattered to me in his response was that nothing was different between us. he said he was going to a therapist soon, and said that i should try it. i have not, and i dont plan to for fear of what i might find out. still, everything he said i took to heart and i thank him for it.

at this point, i decided that i could fix all of this, that i could make myself someone i’d like to be. i was going to work hard and no matter what i wasn’t going to break like that ever again. nothing was going to stop me, no matter the odds.

someone up there must love testing my patience.

a week later, the fire happened. within the span of an hour i had gone from coming home from a test, to helping my mom with the recycling, to rushing home because the sky over our house was brown. the next few hours was me running on no food, a sweaty, ash-covered mess, to get everything of importance out of the house. everything that was too hard to replace was taken. as painful as it was it meant leaving behind just about everything that had value to me, as i took only the things that mattered in a worldly view, not a personal view.

God listened to my prayers that day, and the fires burned half a mile from my house, but no closer. The trail i walked a thousand times growing up was no more. it’s about 4 houses down from mine, to give perspective. everything was black and soot, trees stood with burn marks and missing leaves. The creek was dried up. everything is a mess. i walked out and took pictures of it a few days after, just for memory sake.

that day was a test to see whether or not I was actually going to keep my word. i didn’t break that day, despite wanting to often, and i did what was most important for my family.

since then, i’ve shuffled around a lot of different aspects of my life. a lot of things are changing, and im not comfortable with a lot of them. however, these are good changes. i have to make myself uncomfortable to be able to find what i belong to once again.

and i hope and i pray that this is going to be the time i prove to myself i can break out of this

#text post #dear sad goat

[rephil]

The One Where Phil Dates Dan

TW: Mentions of self loathing, cursing?? I guess Word Count: 7712 Genre: Fluff Prompt: dontforgettosmile (AO3)

Summary: It's been a long time since Dan last dated someone. Eight years, to be exact. Phil offers that they go on a date, to save each other from the dreadful feeling of being alone. But no homo though.

READ ON AO3

I may or may not be accepting prompts it depends do u want a fic next year let me know

Author’s Note: This promt was sent an entire year ago! Yikes! I've been struggling to write this because of school, but since its summer again, I finally got to finish it! Ey! 

Also listen, this was meant to be a sad ending™ fic but I love yall!! Didn’t say it’s a good ending tho it’s pretty rushed and shitty so yea enjoy

Dan knew it was a bad idea to lurk around his old friends’ profiles right before he deleted his Facebook. It made him feel insecure of himself since they had all these accomplishments and great things going on for them, while he was stuck in the same thing for about seven years now. Sure, Dan enjoyed making Youtube videos, and his (and Phil’s) fanbase was really strong, but he still had that tinge of fear that one day, all of it will be lost and he will have nowhere else to fall back on. Phil kept reassuring him that nothing bad will happen to them in the near future, but the thought still left Dan sleepless at night.

But other than that, in a less existential tone, Dan felt pretty salty about people's relationships. Every time he scrolled through Facebook, he found people bragging their love and security right before his very eyes; it is what made him want to quit Facebook in the first place (his personal Facebook, at least). People would freak out if his “danisnotonfire” account vanished in thin air. But in his private account, Dan hated scrolling through pictures of flowers one of his uni friends received from their dates, or pictures of weddings of high school acquaintances he never bothered unfriending, or videos of his friends from his old job showing their baby’s first few steps. They made Dan realize how lonely he was, and how long it had been since he was ever serious with someone.

Upon scrolling further down his timeline, Dan saw a picture of the last person he wanted to see right now; the first and only serious relationship he had in his entire life, Sarah Wickham. She got married last Saturday and just posted an album with 100 HD pictures of the entire wedding thirty minutes ago.

People thought she and Dan were cute together after playing Romeo and Juliet at uni, so they just decided to give their relationship a chance. They actually hit it off for the most part. They were both very much into acting, hence being in the school play, and they had a lot of interests in common. He was actually surprised about how extensive her knowledge was in Muse discography.

The only downfall to their relationship was the choices Dan made, which was watching YouTube videos. Not that she minded, of course; she enjoyed watching Smosh as much as he did. But by falling into the pit of YouTube, Dan met the first person to ever make him question his sexuality: Phil Lester.

Funny enough, Dan and Sarah had so much in common that they both found Phil attractive (although Dan was less vocal about it). They would tune in to his new uploads and watch them together, even following him on all his other social media. However, the only difference was that Sarah was a casual fan while Dan literally dove right up Phil’s ass, if that was possible.

Dan would comment as soon as he uploads a video to guarantee that Phil noticed him, doing the same for the rest of his social media, while Sarah simply liked a tweet she found funny. Dan basically devoted more time impressing Phil than impressing his girlfriend, and Sarah noticed that way before Dan did. They broke up the second Dan brought up that he was meeting Phil in Manchester the following week.

Dan found it funny that technically, he's still in the same position he was seven years ago. Still the same fanboy obsessing over Amazingphil and still stuck in the abyss that is Youtube. Only this time, he's actually living with his idol and gets paid for being on Youtube. Others would think that Dan was living the dream, but he just felt like he wasn't doing anything serious in his life. But that wasn't exactly the most pressing issue he had at the moment. That was a crisis for next time.

Did he still like Phil? Dan didn’t have a concrete answer at the moment. Sure, his cringey obsessed fanboy phase died down somewhere around 2012 when people won’t shut up about it, but the admiration was still there. He’d still anticipate Phil’s posts, despite the fact that he’d talk about it to Dan beforehand.

Did he still like Sarah? Obviously not. But when he realized that she was the last person that Dan had ever gotten into a relationship with speaks volumes on how terrible his social life was. Seeing her live a stable life felt like being smacked with a brick. It’s like telling him that he didn’t do anything with his life at all. And did that stop Dan from viewing every single picture in her album? Definitely not.

Phil must’ve noticed Dan’s sour expression and asked, “Are you okay, Dan?”

Dan snapped out of his stupor and looked over to Phil, whose eyebrows were pulling closer by the second. Phil’s stern expression looked almost like how Dan’s mother looked, and it made him grow conscious of his current position, what he’d call his ‘browsing position’, so he sat up. His mother constantly scolded him about his posture, that he would have osteoporosis by the time he's thirty. She was right.

“I’m fine,” Dan chuckled, “just can’t read the small text in this thing, that’s all.” He gestured to the hypothetical text he couldn’t read to look convincing, but they lived with each other for so long, Phil obviously knew Dan was fibbing.

“If it helps, press command and the plus sign to make the text bigger,” Phil mumbled, returning his attention back to his own laptop. It was filled with dozens of stickers he picked up from random places, probably adding a whole gram to its weight. As a stark contrast, Dan’s laptop was super clean; he'd use some cleaning agent to get rid of the sweat and dust it accumulated the whole week.

“Thanks,” he said half-heartedly, but didn’t do it. He decided to give lurking a rest, and decided to go to Tumblr for his daily dose of memes. He's seriously going to procrastinate deleting his Facebook.

Dan leaped a foot up his seat when his laptop produced a loud notification sound that pierced through the quiet room. He looked for the source of the sound from the immense number of tabs opened in his window and found it in his Facebook tab. It was a message from Phil.

can you read your text now, grandpa??

Dan glared at him, but Phil was too busy with whatever he’s doing to even notice him. He typed up a response and slammed the enter key.

stfu... which one of us has a receding hairline?

“Rude,” Phil replied audibly, earning a chuckle from Dan. It was an unspoken fact that Facebook was for old people. No one probably used it as their main source of enjoyment anymore since their parents might be lurking around to see what they were up to, just like what Phil was doing, essentially. Having both Dan and Phil online on their personal Facebooks may prove they are approaching old age.

Thanks to Phil, Dan lingered back to Sarah’s wedding album and decided to click on her profile to see more of what she was up to. He scrolled through all her achievements, from job promotions to weight loss to pet adoption, and he actually felt proud of her. What ticked him off were all the posts of her and her fiance- now husband- and all the cute things they were doing together. Dan wanted to experience them too.

A notification disturbed his grumbling again, which led him to mute his laptop once and for all, and looked over to see that Phil sent him another message.

you’re obvs not trying to read small text… wats up?

Dan clicked on the message box and typed,

Facebook is making me hate people

A few moments later, Phil responded,

same... why tho?

Dan realized Phil was literally sitting a few feet away from him, so Dan decided to just talk out loud. He was too lazy to type. “Its making me realize that I’m not doing anything with my life.”

Phil sighed, giving Dan an apologetic look. He knew that look; Phil usually gave it to him when he was about to give Dan a really long preppy speech.

“Dan, it’s perfectly fine to fe—”

Dan chuckled, cutting him off and saying, “I meant my social life, Phil.” He corrected himself, “Or dating life, I guess. The last time I had a proper date with someone was when I was at uni.”

Phil raised his eyebrows condescendingly, and Dan wanted to chuck a pillow at him. It was pathetic enough that Dan’s last relationship was literally just forced by people from drama club. He obviously had himself to blame for cowering at the thought of leaving the house, but he also wanted to blame Phil for that too. He was the apparent downfall of Dan’s heterosexuality and the chance he had of meeting someone else.

“We can always set up a Tinder profile for you,” Phil suggested, as if it was that simple.

“Are you crazy, Phil?” Dan whispered, almost as if someone was listening to them right now. “What if a fan sees it?”

“Then you can go date a fan,” Phil mused, giggling to himself. When Dan shot Phil a glare, he pouted and said, “Well, guess not. I would suggest going outside and meeting people like it’s the dark ages, but you won’t be too keen on that.”

It was as if Phil was reading his thoughts. Dan sunk into his sofa crease and accepted his fate. Unless his parents married him off to some royalty from another kingdom, Dan would be left rotting in a flat making videos about all the rest of his other misfortunes.

“I have an idea!” Phil said suddenly, making Dan yelp. “Why don’t I take you out?”

Figuratively, Dan would’ve spat his drink.

“Erm,” Dan started slowly. He didn’t want to look at Phil in the eye yet. This might be one of Phil’s disturbing jokes where he’s trying not to laugh. “What?” When he looked at Phil, he was dead serious.

“Ya know,” Phil said as he shrugged, “I’m gonna take you to eat someplace nice.”

Dan rolled his eyes and said “Yeah, sure.” He wasn't having it with Phil's jokes.

But it made Dan wonder if Phil was seeing someone. He probably wasn’t, being that the only times he ever went out of the house was with Dan, running some errands, or making a lame attempt at jogging to stay healthy. It would be a far stretch to assume that Phil went on a date at some point and telling Dan that he did the latter two instead, after all, there weren’t any secrets between them.

Because between the two of them, Phil was more sociable and friendly. People would love to date him. It wouldn’t be a surprise to find out that Phil has actually been dating someone for three years under Dan’s nose.

They sat in silence for the remainder of the night, mumbling occasionally about something funny they saw on their Tumblrs. Phil was supposed to be editing a video right now, but Dan wasn’t one to scold him to do it; he procrastinates editing all the time too.

Dan retreated to bed a few hours later. It was already 2 AM and his eyes are difficult to keep open. He mumbled an incoherent ‘goodnight’ at Phil, who grunted softly in reply, and trudged to his room with his laptop tucked underneath his arm.

Dan would be a terrible boyfriend. He’d forget saying goodnight to his partner, probably even forget to text them for an entire week. He should include it in the hundred number of reasons why he didn’t have a lovelife.

Phil was usually the first person to wake up in the morning, despite the fact that they hated getting up early. Phil had to sacrifice his sleep in order to pee, then he couldn’t will himself to sleep after that. Usually Phil would prepare his breakfast and make some for Dan too, but the flat was dead quiet. There wasn't bustling sounds of spatulas scraping frying pans. Either Dan woke up too late or too early this morning.

When Dan unplugged his phone to check the time, it was nine AM. Too late then. He decided to just check his social media before starting the day, which meant checking his social media on his laptop instead of his phone. Just as he watched a vine in a low volume, the doorbell unexpectedly rang, and Dan’s heart pounded rather violently in his chest.

“Phil! Get the door!” Dan yelled, not wanting to separate himself from his toasty bed just yet, but the doorbell kept ringing. He kept calling Phil, but no avail. Was he out jogging? Dan assumed whoever was at the door was just delivery guy, but he usually gave up after buzzing three times. This one seemed persistent.  

Begrudgingly, Dan stood up and put on the shirt he wore last night, heading to the front door.

“I’m coming!” he mumbled, ruffling his hair to make it a bit decent.

When Dan opened the door, it was just Phil. “Good morning!” he chirped, with a big smile on his face. He was all dressed up and had his left hand behind his back. Dan felt drained as he watched Phil being so energetic after he just woke up.

“Phil?” he sighed, “You locked yourself out again?” He walked back inside, considering getting cereal for breakfast. That is, if Phil didn’t finish it yet.

“No, actually. I'm here to pick you up on our date, remember?” Dan turned his back and Phil showed what he was holding from behind his back, which was a single red rose, and held it out for Dan.

He took a step back. “Wait, you were serious?” He thought he made it pretty clear he was being sarcastic when he said “yeah, sure”. Dan took the rose anyway and tossed it on their coffee table, as if it was radioactive.

“You weren't?” he asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

Dan tried to point out the obvious. “Phil, our fans. What if they see?”

He shrugged. “We can just say we're going as friends. We don't exactly have have to do all the lovey dovey stuff,” Phil replied, like it was no big deal. Dan thought he knew better than to underestimate their audience.

It was nice of Phil to try making him feel better about the whole dating thing, but Dan was completely over it. “Phil, you don’t have to push this. I’m fine”

Phil laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck. “But, I kind of made plans for today already.”

Dan pinched his brow and sighed. “How long did you stay up last night exactly?”

“Long enough to find the best place to have brunch in Central London.”

And to pick out a nice outfit, apparently. Phil picked a green plaid shirt, black jeans, and brown combat boots, all of which Dan never saw before in his life. Phil didn’t wear new clothes unless its for a meet and greet or a new video, but then again, did Phil ever do anything else besides that?

“We can just eat brunch here. Honestly, Phil, I don't care about the dating thing anymore,” Dan said, crossing his arms.

“But the place I found looked so cool, ” Phil whined, slumping his shoulders. “Besides, we aren’t doing anything else right now so we might as well go.” Phil did puppy eyes, just because he perfectly knew that Dan can never resist them.

“Fine,” Dan grumbled. “But let me take a shower first.”

“Okay,” Phil said meekly, placing his hands in his pockets and bouncing on the balls of his feet. It creeped Dan out.

“Phil, what the hell are you doing?”

Tilting his head to the side, he answered, “Waiting.” He reminded Dan of those creepy girls wearing vintage dresses and pigtails in horror movies. The ones that made him keep every single light on for the sake of keeping his sanity.

“Why aren’t you sitting down?” he sputtered.

Phil shifted his gaze between Dan and the sofa. “Well, I have manners. I won’t sit unless you let me.”

Dan glared at him and said, “Phil, you fucking live here.”

Phil leaned his head, looked to the left and to the right as if someone was listening to them, and whispered, “Pretend we just met today.”

Dan scoffed. He thought Phil was supposed to take him out… as Phil? Phil was always one to make up a bunch of personas whenever he had the opportunity. Dan found it so endearing,  which is why he always went along with all of them anyway. “Okay, person I just met ,” he said, as if reading from a paper, “You may sit.”

His roommate scowled. “That’s the worst acting ever, Dan.”

Dan smiled coyly, and before turning to leave, he says, “I’m getting ready first, and I’ll be there in a minute. Do you want anything?”

Phil sat back on the couch and said, “A date with you would be amazing.”

Dan was taken back. Was Phil seriously this smooth? He laughed nervously and tried to counter him with the same tone, but failed. “Yeah, that… can be arranged.” Then he did the worst thing he could possibly do: finger guns.

He mentally slapped himself in the face. If this wasn’t Phil, then his date would make their way straight to the door and leave.

Dan took a quick shower that probably lasted two minutes. He went to dry his hair, not even bothering to straighten it like he used to. What took him so long was the time he spent to decide what clothes to wear. He was conscious about picking his clothes since Phil looked great.

Dan immediately scolded himself. This is just Phil, dammit. This wasn’t even a real date. This was just a “hey you’re lonely and I’m bored let’s go out” type of thing and nothing more. Phil is probably just taking him to a McDonalds and buy breakfast platters and go home. This is probably even nothing to him.

And yet, it took Dan about ten minutes to decide if he should use the moth shirt or one of the several black jumpers he owned. He checked the weather app for the billionth time to check that it was, in fact, sunny outside. Because if that’s the case, he will wear a thinner jacket.

He settled for a gray jumper, his usual black jeans, and the shoes he owns with lots of zippers on them. He checked himself on the mirror, fixing his curls to make sure they were all in the right place. He took his cologne, aggressively sprayed in front of him and stepped into its mist.

He quickly jogged back to the lounge, where Phil sat playing Crossy Roads. Dan didn’t blame him, Dan did take a long time to get ready: forty minutes to be exact. Dan cleared his throat and crossed his arms.

“Hey! You’re done,” Phil exclaimed as he turned to look at Dan, shoving his phone back in his pocket. He stood up and gestured to Dan. “Looking good, as always.”

Dan felt a tingle of heat spread on his cheeks, and he mentally pinched himself for it. He kept repeating “ It’s just Phil. It’s just Phil ” over and over in his head, but Phil's words continued to have an effect on him. Dammit. Dan tried to play it off by saying, “Let’s go. The city of London awaits.”

The weather app lied. It felt like there was a tornado outside.

Dan was relieved he didn’t waste his time straightening his hair at all, it would’ve been ruined anyway. The wind propelled everything that was lighter than a bottle of water off the ground, even Dan’s phone almost got carried away. He looked over at Phil, who was just as concerned for his hair as Dan, and giggled. Phil's fringe swooped up, revealing his massive forehead, and Dan was too conscious of his own hair to make fun of Phil’s.

They managed to make it to the tube station all in one piece. Phil led the way, brisk-walking to the train that just arrived by the platform with Dan running closely behind him. Although Dan was taller and had longer legs than Phil, Dan couldn’t walk just as fast as him. Probably because of all that jogging Phil was doing.

When they finally situated themselves on the seats closest to the doors, Dan let out a huge sigh of relief. He felt like he just ran in a marathon.

“Where are we even going?” Dan wheezed, still trying to catch his breath while surveying the scene. The trolley wasn’t very crowded anymore since people usually get off at the station before theirs, and looking all around, there didn’t seem to be people that would’ve been one of their followers.

Phil must’ve arrived to the same conclusion since he didn’t have to whisper when he said, “It’s a surprise! This would be really boring if you knew exactly what we’re doing.”

“Is that what you think?” he quipped, “You want dates to be a surprise for you?” Dan lowered his voice a bit just in case.

“Yeah,” Phil responded, smiling in thought. “I don’t really want to know where I’m going because I’m gonna make a bunch of scenarios and get my standards up, you know?”

He did have a point, especially since Dan usually over thought anything that may or may not happen to him. His scenarios were usually for the worst, however, to avoid exactly what Phil said. Dan envisioned everything that could possibly go wrong given a situation, so maybe he didn’t have to worry about raising his standards up. In fact, Dan would be surprised if things went well for him.

But regardless, he wanted to know exactly what will happen in a date. Dan told Phil that he wanted to be mentally prepared for whatever was coming for him. Phil laughed silently and shook his head, just as the train slowed to a stop and the doors opened.

“I promise I won’t take you anywhere you won’t like,” Phil reassured him over the sound of people hopping off and hopping on the train. They didn’t bother talking while people transitioned in and out of the car, too lazy to try to talk over the noise. They waited until the doors closed and the train slowly marched ahead.

“If it makes you feel any better, I can give you some hints.”

“Fire away.”

He held a finger up and pointed on it with his other hand. “Well, you already know, but as a refresher: we’re getting brunch, since I’m assuming that you’d probably still be asleep for the next five hours if I didn’t ring the doorbell.”

Dan scoffed. “Correction: I’d probably still be in bed for the next five hours if you didn’t ring the doorbell.”

Phil gave him a look and continued, counting a second finger, “ And then,” he paused for a moment, watching Dan’s face for any sort of speculation. Phil finally said,”We’re going home.”

Dan snickered and pushed Phil with his shoulder. He expected a long, well thought out plan. The good thing was, Phil wasn't taking Dan to McDonalds. He hoped.

They passed three other stops before Phil declared that the next one was going to be theirs. Phil patted Dan on the knee and stood up, leading the way out of the station. The wind wasn’t as bad as it was a while ago, but Dan still had to place his hands on his hair to avoid it turning into a huge bushy mess.

Phil looked back at Dan and smiled at him. “Just take a left here,” and mimicking the voice of their GPS, he added, “and in fifty meters, your destination will be on the left.”

Dan snorted, following Phil’s directions. Phil walked a little bit ahead of Dan to go by the door and to open it, gesturing for Dan to go inside. Dan softly thanked him and stepped into the restaurant, with Phil following suit.

“Wow, Phil, you did a really good job finding this place,” Dan said as they situated themselves in a booth by the wall, but not too far back in the restaurant in case someone saw them and drew speculations.

A waiter wearing a crisp black uniform appeared before them and handed them menus, asking if they wanted something to drink. Phil opted for lemonade while Dan chose hot coffee.

Dan was fairly impressed with the selection of food; he would try them all if he was able to. Some dishes were a bit unfamiliar to him, but it wasn’t something Google can’t help him with.

“Find anything you wanna order?“ Phil asked, peeking over from his menu.

“Still browsing,” he replied.

“I'm just having what you're having.”

Dan smirked. “That’s so lazy. So if i buy an entire cheese platter, would you eat it with me?”

“Maybe don't be a piece of shit,” Phil said, rolling his eyes.

Dan faked a gasp and placed his hands on his chest. “Phil! Language .” It earned him a laugh.

Their waiter arrived with their drinks and a set of cream and sugar. As he settled them on the table, he decided to take their orders. Dan ended up ordering white pasta instead of a cheese platter, so Phil did the same. Phil also decided to get potato bombs since they looked great in the picture. When the waiter left, Dan put half the cup of cream and two sugar cubes into his coffee, stirring it slowly.

“So, when was the first date you've ever had?” Phil asked, twirling his straw in the glass.

Dan thought about it and sighed at the memory, explaining, “The first and only date I ever had was forced by my friends at uni, so I won't really hold it to any standards.”

“I see,” Phil responded solemnly.

In attempt to lighten the mood, Dan said, “Which is why I need some protips from you.”

Phil smirked. “Don't you mean editing tips?”

“Don't say that thing ever again,” he deadpanned.

“Well, the last time I ever dated someone was 2009.” Dan, being Phil trash number one, remembered that. “So my most popular pickup line is that I have a youtube channel.”

“Really? And they're impressed with that?”

“Well 70,000 subscribers was probably bigger than the population of Manchester, so I guess they were! They'd even ask for a shout out from me, but there's just too many of them. I can’t fit them all in one video.”

“Oh, you poor famous man,” Dan cooed mockingly. “But that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid though, my dates knowing that I have a youtube account.”

“Your channel isn't exactly hush hush right now. Even if they aren't fans of you, they might’ve recognized you from somewhere.”

Dan sighed. “Exactly.”

“Oh, you poor famous man,” he imitated Dan.

“Shut up.” He kicked Phil’s legs from under the table. “What else do you have?”

Phil rubbed his chin with his index finger and thumb, as if he was thinking of something scholarly. But really, he was just thinking of dating tips. They were both pretty much rusty in that department since it has been so long after all. All of the good moves in 2009 were probably corny and bad in 2017.

Phil finally leaned forward, placing both elbows on the table, and said, “I would go and ask them about themselves.” He gestured towards Dan before placing his hands under his chin. “Then I would look at them like this.” Phil tilted his head to the side, hooded his eyes, and smiled.

Dan furrowed his eyebrows and cringed. “Yeah, did they all run away?”

It was Phil’s turn to kick Dan from under the table. He slumped back on his seat and said, “Shut up. They loved it.”

Dan snorted. “See how well that went for you.”

Before Phil could retort, the waiter came with a basket of bread and a bowl with about six servings of butter. It was both their favorite part of eating. Dan took the napkin on his plate and placed it on his lap, with Phil following suit. They each took a slice of bread and Phil jokingly stole the bowl of butter. Dan tried to steal it from his hands, but Phil placed it on his seat and stuck his tongue out at Dan.

As they ate, Dan had the urge to take his phone out, but he knew that was being rude. From all the countless articles he read about dating, despite the fact that never got to use any of them in real life, he knew that he should focus on his date and his date only. The most prominent dating tips those articles had to offer was that he shouldn’t take his phone out and that he shouldn’t talk about himself too much, which Dan honestly thought was common sense. But turns out not everyone thought it was.

“Have you posted your evil piano teacher video?” Phil asked as he grabbed a second slice of bread and returned the bowl of butter on the table. “I need to post the pastel video. People can’t wait.”

Dan shrugged. “I’m still debating about whether or not should I put a clip of me actually playing the piano somewhere.” He took two more slices of bread because he was sure that Phil would finish the entire basket without Dan realizing it.

Phil smiled, taking a huge bite off his bread. “You should! People will love it. I always hear you play, and you’re quite lovely.”

As usual, Dan tried to hide that he was flustered with humor as he said, “But I haven’t met you before! How did you know that I play the piano.” Phil bit his lip and smiled, which didn’t exactly help Dan’s case at all. “But thanks. I’ll try.”

As Phil finished the bread on his hands, he raised his eyebrows in realization. “Oh! You can put it in like a split screen, while you’re talking or something.”

Dan nodded his head slowly. “Sure, probably at the beginning or the end.” He dropped another sugar cube into his coffee and stirred it again.  “I might need some help with it though. It’s been a long time since I last did split screen.”

Phil winked. “Don’t worry, I can give you those editing tips tonight if you want.”

“What did I tell you, Phil?” Dan said with an exasperated tone.

“Okay, Danny boy.”

They continued to talk about failed previous dates, not as if there was much to add anyway, and their appetizer came about five minutes later. Dan thought they looked, well, appetizing. Ten perfectly symmetrical balls were stacked on a plate with a little bowl of white sauce on the side. The balls had a dark brown color and they had red and green seasoning and a little bit of cheese sprinkled on top of them. Dan took his phone out to take a snapshot of it — he’s sure Phil wouldn’t mind.

Dan even handed his phone to Phil and requested, “Hey, can you take a picture of the potato balls? I wanna take a picture of it in all angles.”

Phil rolled his eyes and turned the plate 180 degrees around. “There’s your different angle.”

Dan scowled. “But it still looks different in your end! With all the lighting and shit.”

“Fine,” he huffed, holding out his hand to get the phone. He turned the plate back to its original position and took a few pictures at each side of the plate, before handing Dan’s phone back to him.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, skimming through the gallery to check if either one of them were visible in the photos.

If he or Phil decided to post the pictures, he didn’t want the other to be visible in them. He knew that their fans had really keen eyes. Dan remembered the time when he posted a picture of the sundae he bought with Phil for national ice cream day. The corner of Phil’s sleeve was visible on the edge of the picture, and people kept speculating about it. The comments were filled with people asking if it was a date.

Not that Dan minded this, of course. He was perfectly fine with people shipping him with his best friend, mostly because he agreed with them, but he wasn’t completely sure if Phil did as well. Dan could always answer those questions with sarcasm or a witty joke, but he was afraid that he would be see through, and not even Phil would be convinced.

Dan had to scroll through several comments to find a safe one to answer like “Was the ice cream good?” or “Happy national ice cream day!” From then on, he decided to just avoid possible hints that they are together, even if it won’t completely get rid of the speculation.

Dan realized he was holding on his phone for too long. Despite the number of notifications he had from his social media, he fought his urge by turning it off and shoving it back in his pocket. He felt the Cosmopolitan article called Top 10 Biggest First Date Turn-offs haunting him and reminding him how to be a good date, even if this wasn’t really a real one.

Phil apparently ate two potato balls already, so Dan popped two consecutive ones into his mouth, so they were even. He felt bad for using his phone for longer than he should’ve, so he asked:

“Hey, Phil? Was that… a turn off?” Dan had no idea what to call it, so he said the first thing that came to his mind. The confused look on Phil’s face made Dan realize how stupid his question was. He elaborated, “I mean like, using my phone on our… date?”

Phil shook his head and took another potato ball and dipped it into the white sauce. Dan completely forgot about it. “No, I don’t mind. I know you were just checking the pictures.”

“Well, what if I was someone else? Like, I don’t know, Sarah Michelle Gellar?”

Phil scoffed. “You know I wouldn’t mind anything if I’m dating either you or Sarah Michelle Gellar . ”

Dan scrunched his nose in frustration and said, “Well what if you were dating someone you don’t know?”

Phil thought for a moment before replying, “I mean, I guess I’d be a little irked if they used their phone too long.” Dan took a potato ball, this time with the dip, as Phil added, “But you know, I can’t imagine myself dating anyone else besides you or Sarah Michelle Gellar,” which prompted Dan to choke.

He kept coughing, and he couldn’t seem to stop. Phil was starting to get worried, so he pushed Dan’s glass of water towards him. Dan attempted to take a sip of water, which helped him a bit. Sarah Michelle Gellar has always been a “given” answer when people asked Phil “who would you take out on a date?” but it has never been Dan. He cleared his throat and gritted, “What is that supposed to mean?”

Phil opened his mouth to reply, but the waiter came with their food. He shrugged as the waiter dropped two identical dishes on their table. He asked if everything was in order before dashing off to the the table next to them to take their orders.

Phil cleared his throat before saying, “I don’t know, I guess it’s just because it’s Sarah Michelle Gellar . I’ve been thinking about dating her since I was seventeen.” He took his fork and twirled it into his pasta. Was that it?

“Also we’re here, right now, and it’s perfectly fine because, you know...” His voice trailed off and he took the pasta to his mouth, chewing slowly. He laughed and shook his head. “You’re my friend! It just feels kinda weird thinking about dating someone else when I haven’t been doing it for a long time.”

Dan felt his heart sink. With the steadiest voice he could muster, he said, “Oh. Well, that’s true.” He took his own fork and started digging into his pasta, only remembering that he had to take a picture when it was too late. He decided that he just won’t post anything anymore.

Dan wanted to slide lower into his seat and rot under the table for the next ten years. He kept telling himself stupid stupid stupid for thinking that Phil meant something else — that he actually liked dating Dan, and wanted to keep going. He can’t believe himself for even assuming.

But Dan still made the effort to act as if nothing happened. He suppressed his feelings for Phil since they first met because he hasn’t fully come to terms with his sexuality, but despite coming to terms with it now, didn’t make any difference. He was still the same old Dan inside out. Still the same weak piece of shit.

Dan dropped his fork onto the dish and wiped his mouth with his napkin. “I’m full,” he declared, taking a sip of his already cold coffee. Phil was a fast eater, so he was just about to take his final bite of pasta.

“Should I ask for the check?” Phil tried to say through his mouthful, but Dan understood, and he nodded. Phil tried to make eye contact with their waiter, waving his arms around whenever he looked at their general direction. It took Phil a few minutes to succeed.

The waiter dropped the bill on their table and took their plates, asking them if they enjoyed their meal. Both of them gave unenthusiastic responses, but the waiter didn’t seem to mind. As he left, Phil reached for his wallet, and took out his credit card. Dan followed suit.

“So, how are we gonna split this bill?” Dan asked as he fumbled for his credit card within his wallet full of random receipts and cards. He should really consider sorting it out.

Phil pushed Dan’s hands away and placed his own credit card on top of the bill. “No, I’m paying for the whole thing.” In a softer voice, he added, “This is a date, remember?” Dan decided it was best not to argue.

They took a taxi home since neither of them had the energy to do all the leg work, plus it was raining this time. They didn’t have an umbrella with them, which got them drenched as they hopped in and out of the taxi. Fuck London weather.

When they trudged through the second flight of stairs towards their flat, Phil said, “So, what did you think of our date? What was your favorite part? Would you recommend it to a friend?”

Dan said, through deep breaths, “The date was nice, I guess. Great location. Great food,” he added, in a lower voice, “Great you.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, because I did too.”

Dan was running out of breath, but it didn’t stop him from making a sarcastic comment. “I’m glad you did, Dora. My favorite part was when we went to the huge ass piñata.” Phil just giggled.

When they finally approached the door to their flat, Dan leaned on the wall as he fumbled for the keys in his pockets. He lazily unlocked the door, tossing the keys onto the coffee table as soon as he went in. He looked back, realizing that Phil remained outside the door. Dan knew better than to ask why wasn’t he coming in.

“What? No goodbye kiss?” Phil asked, leaning against the doorframe and pouting.

Dan rolled his eyes. He wasn’t exactly in the mood for pretending again. “If you don’t come in, I’m literally slamming the door at your face.” He walked back and held onto the doorknob, taunting Phil that he was gonna do it any second now. There was no way Phil was serious about kissing him.

“Come on, Dan. You gotta experience all the first date basics.”

Furrowing his eyebrows, Dan asked, “Is it completely necessary to kiss on the first date?”

Phil shrugged. “It’s how you know if a second date is on the table.”

“You’ll know it if the date went well,” Dan argued.

“Well, if Sarah Michelle Gellar was terrible snogger, which is highly unlikely, I won't go for a second date.”

Dan thought about it for a few seconds before he released a forced sigh. “Fine. You’re the expert, after all,” Dan said casually, even if in reality, his blood was running cold inside him. He willed his feet to take a step closer towards Phil, and stared at him straight in the eye.

Phil was the first to lean in. He didn’t have to crane his neck upwards; Dan’s posture was so bad that they had the same height. As their lips met, Dan’s heart pounded against his chest — he was afraid that Phil could feel it too. His brain short circuited that he was basically just as useful as a pile of mush. The only thoughts that ran in his head was how soft Phil’s lips were, and how fantastic he was at snogging. If this was the real thing, Dan would be begging for a second date.

Dan broke away first, gasping for air and keeping his eyes shut while he tried to regain his bearings. When he did open his eyes, he saw Phil watching him with a dark look in his eyes. The silence was unbearable; the only sound heard was of the radiator humming softly in the background. Dan could hear his own blood roaring in his ears.

“Phil,” Dan croaked, losing his voice as his eyes lingered down to Phil’s faintly pink lips.

Phil huffed and pushed Dan further into the flat to let himself in, slamming the door behind him. He grabbed Dan by the back of his neck and pulled him in for a bruising kiss, and it felt so much more mind-blowing than the previous one . Dan felt himself being pushed backwards until his back hit the wall, which benefitted Dan a lot because his legs were probably about to give out as Phil nibbled roughly at Dan’s lower lip. Dan laid his palms flat on the wall as he tried to fight the urge to thrust his hips upward, but Phil’s ministrations were playing with his hormones. He felt like a teenage boy again.

Dan whined embarrassingly as Phil broke away. He took a full step back and smiled cockily at Dan, running his thumb over Dan’s lip. “That’s how you kiss on a first date.”

Dan groaned, slumping on the wall and covered his face with his hands. He babbled incoherently, “ Wha ? First date? That?”

“The first one was,” Phil answered nonchalantly.

Dan dropped his hands to his sides and lowered his gaze to Phil’s feet, licking his lips slowly. “And?”

“The second was just to, you know, get your attention.” It was barely a whisper, but Dan heard it perfectly clear. Shit.

Dan raised his eyebrows, keeping his eyes glued to the ground, and said, “Well, you succeeded there, buddy.” He was surprised that he managed to say a full sentence.

He heard Phil sigh. “I love you, Dan. I just don’t really know how to say it to you straight.”

Dan laughed nervously, thinking that he’s just hallucinating or Phil was probably joking. “T-tell it to me… gay then,” he spluttered, earning a laugh from Phil.

Dan regretted saying that, so naturally, he decided to cover his mistake up by talking more nonsense. “You I know what? All this talk and shit is making me hungry. Are you hungry? We’re hungry. Leggo.” He headed for the lounge, feeling Phil trail silently behind him, and paced back and forth. He scolded himself for suggesting this. They literally just ate twenty minutes ago. “D’you want anything to eat in particular?”

Phil looked at him from head to toe and answered, “You?”

Dan groaned as he blushed. If Phil was trying to fluster him, he was doing an exceptional job. He wasn’t even trying to be subtle about it.

“Pizza!” Dan exclaimed, grabbing his laptop and sitting on his sofa crease. “Let’s do Pizza Hut.” He fumbled as he typed the website. “Any toppings you want in particular?”

Phil sat on the other end of the sofa and patted his legs. “I want you on top of me. Is that available?”

“Stop that!” Dan yelped.

“Stop what?” Phil asked with a giggle.

“Stop flirting with me.”

“If you stop being adorable, I might.” Phil slowly scooted closer towards Dan and closed his laptop, taking it from his lap and placing it on the table. He moved a bit more until their legs touched. Dan tried his best not to look at him, but he could feel Phil stare at him.

“Phil,” he whined, covering his face once more. He can’t believe this was happening. Phil Lester. Flirting with him. The thought felt even more surreal when Phil started trailing kisses down Dan’s neck.

Phil leaned back a bit and met Dan’s eyes, asking worriedly, “Do you like me, Dan?”

He couldn’t conjure the voice to answer so he just nodded his head. It was a good thing Phil was more confident to do all the talking, otherwise they’d just be staring at each other the whole time. Phil’s features softened and he gave Dan an earnest smile, one that could make anyone melt. Dan was glad he’s the only person that could see this right now. He gravitated closer towards Phil and met his lips for a passionate kiss. At this point, Dan became obsessed with kissing him that he just kept wanting more.

When they pulled away, Phil said, “Did you know that you burn two calories for kissing per minute?

“Okay?” Dan responded slowly.

“Well, you can burn a hundred calories from sex. I just want to be more productive.”

“ Phil. ”

#mine #phandom #phan #phanfiction #danisnotonfire #amazingphil #phil lester #dan howell #phanfic #flophanfiction #friends au #daniel howell

[cryingovernarry]

i realized i never actually never share anything about me on this website, like, i never really write about stuff thats happened/is happening in my life or about stuff i like and whatever. and like. im the type who’s great at oversharing (shitposting) lmao but apparently never on tumblr i guess?? its not important but yeah i just realized it. ive had this account since april 2012 i think? never made any friends on here tbh i just exist in the background quietly liking or reblogging stuff, and never do anymore than that. and no one will actually care or read this so MIGHT AS WELL am i right ladies and gents and non-binary friends. so heres some good and shitty stuff thats happened in my life

2017 was a good concert year for me i think (please bear with me ive got bad memory) (thx depression) i finally saw ed sheeran (one of the best concerts ive been to even if the people next to us kept talking throughout the whole concert) then i saw shawn mendes (hes baby) i went and saw little mix all by myself (snatched that barricade too!!) it was incredible and i miss them. i was lucky enough to see niall and harry too on their tours and ill never get over that. oh, and niall retweeted one of my tweets so thats something. (im trying to play it cool bc its been over two years it Should Not make me Feel Like This anymore right) i also went to germany in 2016 on december 31st to celebrate new years with my friend who i met through the internet (thanks internet) and i stayed there for a week (shouldve known itd go all downhill after that)

so, while concert-life was on top, my personal life was at bottom and it would only get worse in 2018. 

early 2017 my mom started to feel...sick. her body was hurting all the time. she was in so much pain without knowing why. apparently she had some kind of rare blood disease. it all went so...fast. suddenly she was in and out of hospitals, she got worse, the pain even more worse. some days she could barely walk and all she could do was cry. it’s horrible seeing your own mom like that. knowing there was nothing you could do. i did my best though, i moved back home to help her with my siblings becuase their father is a piece of shit who never helped my mom even if she was sick. she was at her lowest and he didnt care and he only made her worse. but i took on the responsibility of taking care of my younger siblings, and mom. as much as i could. while my older sister came home almost every weekend so she could help too. our grandma did her best too. we all tried so much to help mom. 

in september my mom called from the hospital. she told me her disease has turned into leukemia. this was the first time i cried with my mom. 

she did all kinds of chemo, got isolated at the hospital. wasn’t allowed to go out or sometimes even see her own kids. my sister and i took turns staying with her at the hospital though. i think the longest i stayed with her at the hospital was two weeks straight. 

when the results of her last chemo came back the doctor said the cancer hadnt gone down as much as they had hoped. they said my mom could do one last chemo but that was it, if the cancer wasnt gone after that there would be nothing more they could do to help my mom. because her body wouldnt be able to handle anymore. my mom was a fucking fighter, she had no hesitation about it. 

she was allowed to come home for christmas and the new years. no one knew it would be our last one with her. 

it turned into 2018 and she handled her last chemo pretty well. didnt affect her as much as the others had. she was allowed to come home for the weekend in february. she was so happy to see her kids again. she felt good. but she wasn’t. she really wasn’t. i think that weekend was the worst in my life. 

on march 20th, 2018. after a month of being in a coma, she passed away in her sleep. my wonderful mom, who fought to get better for her kids, who had been suffering for a year, finally got to rest. she wasn’t in pain anymore. 

seeing your mom taking her last breath really fucks you up in some type of way. 

she left six kids behind her. 

my mom always supported me going to concerts. she’s a big music fan herself and she knew how much going to concerts meant to me. always got excited when i told her about them, always listened to me. always listened when i played her new songs or albums. two days before her passing i saw harry styles in concert, tickets bought months before. i wasn’t sure i was even going, but i knew mom would’ve wanted to so i did. i wasn’t at my best during that concert, sat down for most of it but i cannot explain how much seeing harry meant to me. he really helped me feeling better for some hours, made me laugh and smile. i’ll always be grateful for that.  a month after my moms passing i had tickets for another concert, that was for niall horan. i really didn’t think i would be able to handle it, but i did it for mom. knew she would’ve wanted me to go. my friend was a great distraction, and we also met some lovely people in the line and i was so grateful. i will always be thankful for niall, even if he made me cry during flicker. he really helped me too, without knowing. saw 5sos too after three years at the end of the year, with my childhood best friend who i hadn’t seen in over a year. concerts really is the best medicine. at least for me.

i felt so lost without my mom, i still feel that way. some days i have a hard time believing she’s actually gone. your mom isn’t supposed to die when your’re twenty one. she’s supposed to be there next to you while you’re trying to figure out your life. 

i’m gonna be honest with you, i don’t really remember most of 2018. and i don’t think i actually want to remember either. 

2019 has been slightly better so far. saw disney on ice (incredible). in april we finally went to london. something my mom had always wanted too, so i took the necklace i got her years ago and brought it with me to london so at least a piece of her would be there too with us. 

on the first day my older sister and i saw shawn (hes still baby). we also went to madame tussauds (finally met one direction yall), went on london eye, walked to the buckingham palace. took a bus to warner bros studio tour of harry potter. that was fucking incredible. drank disgusting butterbeer. london felt like a dream. 

-

i still don’t know what to do with my life, i don’t really have any dreams. im currently living with my grandma and she really doesnt want me to move out lmao. and i feel bad for leaving her

-

so that’s it i guess. hi everyone who hopefully didn’t read any of this. my names amanda and my lifes a mess and all tangled up but that’s okay. thats what everyone says. gotta focus on the good things happening in your life. and don’t take your family and friends for granted. please. 

also heres my face ft. my harrys tour tshirt. be nice please. okay bye.

#immediately after writing all of this i got the urge to delete it all #whatever #im also not gonna read through it so mistakes are bound to be made #im exhausted but it felt good to write it down #its rly long and doesnt make any sense so dont read #if u do then thats on you #dunno what i wouldve done without music #and concert #about me #i guess lmao

[sonicmega]

Hm... I'm enthralled now. How did you come to do voice acting? Was it a sort of, spur of the moment? Or was it more so like a passion you wanted to pursue after highschool/college? I've also begun to wonder. What do you specifically do to change the timbre of your voice? I assume its different for every voice actor out there and, given your experience, you've most likely developed a method no? Lastly, how do you land jobs? Do you need a specific talent or is it more so fitting the voice color?

January 2007 

I discover that voice acting is a thing. My time spent on Neopets noticeably dwindles for the moment.

(Also none of these are specific moments that I think made or broke my career, I am just offering all relevant moments in time)

Feb/Mar 2007 

A man by the name of Deven “Mac” notices my frequent postings on Newgrounds - my fervent spamming, more like - and informs me about Voice Acting Club. Kira Buckland, 10 years younger, is finishing up school soon and has begun plans for moving out of Alaska to pursue life in Cali

March 2007 - 2008

Amateur Voice Acting AHOY! I audition for a shitload of projects, mostly fandubs. Mostly Newgrounds. my voice is terrible but my enthusiasm and energy is unyielding. Mac helps me with basic tenets of voiceover techniques and I also exhibit some pretty shitty behaviors (delaying submitting lines for weeks because I’m nervous about ‘doing them wrong’).

September 2008 

I get accepted into Western Michigan on a scholarship. I decide to major in Film/Video/Media studies because it’s 'the most similar to what I want to do’ (Voiceover) and decide to put more personal interests in as minors (Journalism, Japanese, Psychology).

The actual curriculum itself did jack shit for my career but it’s what I did during my time there that matters more.

2008-2012

Four years of college. I make friends within my interest groups but nearly all of my time is spent either in class or in my dorm room on my PC. OMGPOP is king of my time until Maplestory releases the Evan class.

More importantly, it was also the formative years of my freelance career.

I sign up for Voice123 membership. It goes horribly. Low ratings nearly all the time. I take on an audiobook job and deliver over-estimate by 7 goddamn months. Client is PISSED.A site called VoiceBunny also crops up; more suited for quick one-off jobs that don’t need 'the perfect voice’, just a suitable one. Extremely reliant on being at your computer at a moment’s notice.

I have no social life.

This meshes well.

Within college, I am constantly involved in things related to acting/voiceover.

- On-campus Sexual Health Peer Education group (skits and lectures) all 4 years of attendance. This also gave me opportunities to record voiceover for segments needing 'voice of god’- local radioplay group All Ears Theater (2 productions every 2-3 months, included a formal audition process and live performances in front of audiences for later broadcast via radio/web)- Audio Production class (as part of my Major) quick-learns me basic editing techniques, directly translates to my ability to do quickfire editing and turnaround now as a freelancer.- Continuing to do auditions for stuff for Voice Acting club. This is probably the most similar to many ‘Tumblr phase’ performers on here.Over time, constant exposure + guidance from peers/my mentor helps me to hone my skills. I still tend to 'loud-act’ things, IE using an unnecessarily loud/forceful voice for simple business narration,but I’m beginning to understand the intricacies of different styles (Commercial vs. Promo vs. character, etc)

January 2009

During winter break, on a ski trip with family, I learn about Anime Expo’s AX Idol competition. I tell my dad the one thing I want for my birthday present is funding to help go to this convention and compete. He obliges.

Summer 2009

I go to Anime Expo and compete in AX Idol for voiceover.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUQpkyfVYog

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-PwvyeM1jw

Things go well.

Fall 2009 - sometime 2011

Things DO NOT GO WELL. My victory at AX causes me to feel like I know what I am doing, leads to an almost 2 year stint of godawful delivery choices as I 'phone in’ performances like they’re just going to be good on foundation. My mentor is frustrated with me and at least one peer of mine actively thinks I don’t deserve the kinds of opportunities I’ve had over how hard he himself has worked.

2012

I graduate from college, determine that the only way I’m going to make progress is by forcing myself into the community where the industry exists. If I’m going to get workshops and studio auditions and actual non-online work, I need to be where the work is.

Summer 2012, 2 months after graduation

I move from Michigan to California

I have enough savings to cover about a year of rent if everything goes horribly horribly wrong (including losing every single freelance client I’d slowly built relationships with during college), but it’s obvious I need to find work to continue to stay out here.

I take a Graveyard shift job at Stanley security. It sucks my fucking soul out.

Meanwhile by day, I am still doing my freelance thing. I let BangZoom know I am now local. I work with my mentor on piecing together a demo both from good bits I’d done before and fresh content written for the demo, something I can show off to clients that is good enough to be worth listening to but that I can admit “I am new to the area and aiming to get my foot in the door for more professional work so that I can update my portfolio accordingly”

2012-2014

The Workshop Grind

Workshops with BangZoom, with Crispin Freeman, with VoiceTrax West, etc.

Through character archetype classes, I begin to understand where my inherent strengths lie (I already had an idea from my freelance side, but now I was able to confirm those strengths by having actual professionals go “You made great choices”)

BangZoom, meanwhile, SLOWLY works me up the chain of trust. I get called in for unpaid walla sessions just to see if I can meet appointments on time and follow directions.

Then unnamed 1-time characters in a crowd.

Then unnamed characters you can hear.

Then a recurring unnamed character.

Then at some point I get audition sides for something called Sword Art Online, for Kirito and Diabel. I initially only plan on auditioning for Kirito (dem Protagonist dweams) but have a last-minute Skype Workshop with Crispin about my auditions and get feedback from him.

He recommends I still try out for Diabel because it plays into my strengths and “why the hell not?”

I do.

2013-2014

Pretty much my ONLY studio work is coming from BangZoom, and it’s not frequent. I quit my job at Stanley only because I had some extra savings now and wanted to force myself to 'git gud’ instead of letting a safety net of money keep me from pursuing more.

But slowly, SLOWLY, through BangZoom auditions and the occasional booking, web strings begin to attach.

Out of personal interest, I do a brief stint as a QA tester for NIS America. This also happens around the time BangZoom is casting for DanganRonpa and Fairy Fencer F. My employment didn’t affect my audition chances, but it did solidify NISA’s knowledge of me as a voiceover artist.

I do some work for Ys: Memories of Celceta for a company called XSEED. Nothing comes of it until almost 3 years later, when a new localization lead named Brittany recalls my performance from Ys and says “I think he could be a really good fit for this dude named Rean Schwarzer”.

I land work on Killer Instinct through BangZoom. The director of that LOVES my performance, proceeds to slowly bring me back now and again for recurring roles on stuff like Gundam IBO and other projects.

Back to XSEED.I land my lead role in Trails of Cold Steel. Recording is at PCB Productions, who now knows I exist.

Everyone has a good time, I send my samples/demos to PCB (now updated further), they begin sending me THEIR audition sides as well.

At one point, a director for PCB I know well is collaborating with a studio called Cup of Tea on Akiba’s Beat. Kira has been working with Cup of Tea for YEARS but I had never had an opportunity to get in touch with them before now.

Director puts me in touch with Cup of Tea, who now knows I exist. Session goes decently, I tell them I am very interested in pursuing future work/auditions and would like to share my demos with them. They accept.For sake of time I will leave that thread where it is because I imagine you can understand what the underlying theme is.

Just a sporadic but progressive timeline of preparedness + Opportunity allowing me to expand my options.

Back to Workshop Side:

I continue actively pursuing workshops for other companies, especially VoiceTrax west. I sign up for “meet the pros” evenigns where I have a chance to perform + get feedback.

The workshop actively disclaimers that there is no expectation of getting work + it is intended to be a learning experience, but I go in with the mindset of “I’m going to leave them WANTING to work with me”.

With a much more thorough understanding of my strengths by now, I tend to do a formula of picking 1-2 characters I know I can do well, and one that is within my range but is relatively challenging. Worst case scenario I still leave a good impression, best case I completely surprise myself (and the host) and leave a lasting one.

This works out well. Said method greatly interests a representative from Mattel and one from Disney Parks (not the animation side, just the theme park side). I thank them for their time, ask if I can share demos with them/get their contact email, contact them and express interest in receiving audition opportunities.

Through one of these same workshops, I also meet my future agency, SBV Talent’s lead person Mary Ellen Lord. I do the same thing. Mary proceeds to circumvent SBV’s entire policy of “Referrals Only” representation to ask me to come to their offices to record an official application demo.Note that none of these workshop outcomes, or the workshops themselves, were things pointed to me by studios I was working for. This section was all self-driven/pursued (and also required me to be local).Since then, I’ve been continuing the routine of doing freelance work from home, sending out auditions for studio-hosted projects when the sides are provided to me, and generally working with my mentor when I have questions about approaching a certain character. Either because of personal growth or recent portfolio additions (or both), my success rate with booking new roles has kind of shot up; I’m hoping this trend continues for the foreseeable future.

[paultwitchington]

Not a usual productive, No longer continuity recap this 2018. (the endgame)

Since Tumblr was established along 2008, I'm starting to use this app as my alternative social media kinds of stuff in 2012 aside Facebook and Twitter, later I was starting to write a flashback thingy when In 2014 since I have a pointing out something in real life and all people around me. Then I was returned in college life, I was sharing my recent experiences including about the person and friends that matter the most, and now this thing has come to its peak and it has no longer for this thing to continue. This momentum of 2018 has about to end, let me give you some recap for this year, most of it from FEU.

Before anything else, this is not your usual January to December recap so that the changes might going to the next year like the resolution thingy. It is not quantitative remarks of achievements but its more like questions of earing that achievement which is how it changes and became to the result. and mostly, this is not like "It's not so important but you used to know..." sloppy-crappy content that makes usually a blabbish flowery shitty-thingy. No, it's not! This one is very interesting which means it has to keep it short, simple but mostly a significant. yes, it was short. because this is more on visuals not texts. Now. let me show you some of my achieving piece of craft that sometimes I've used to be proud of":

Art is full of life! When I was back off from Psychology since it was more of sciences and mathematics, I've really pursued the simple world of art which is is the institute that designated of my courses has to offer. this includes not only in the form of writings but in more of a visual thing. I used to become a photography enthusiast, but that idea has cost me a lot of resources and struggles. There is more competition in that way since I don't have to compete into others but that situation pushes to get into it until you defeated, that was how the world and society work at hand. This compilation of portraits and landscapes thing has the simple crafts that have just I've learned with nowhere that came from or I get it. From own searching and practicing, I got these photographs from school and other pieces of stuff from one that I called it home. This stuff has more than a hobby it has something that I need to show and others might interpret it in their own way. I love writing stories but certainly struggling to construct writing, based on other tastes of how the story works. I love films and film-making, these Ideas has still dreamed of when I was a freshman 5 years ago. Making the processes of story-making, more of the videos and documentaries and even from commercials or corporation entrepreneurs. I love to speak in visuals rather than actual writing. When it comes these stuff has arrived in social media, I'm not doing this to gain more likes and colorful-life-battlefield into the comment section of this post, I'm posting this to say something to myself and to those people that I've closest the most, other's appreciation has only bonused with that piece of work.

Another achievement, hard-works has been paid off. In our school, we have CInema production, which is all the film methods and techs are being made with one big film-making production with the finest team. Well, I can say this is not an ideal team but in the fact that we can work together as ourselves, we can pull this thing off. We have more struggles and fights when we’re processing this thing because of our own attitudes and something that we want to fight in, even the fact that the team has equal treatment and not the team for one following method that they used to act all over again. Now, look at it! we win!

Some of these people are my friends, become family that they used to be, but somehow, everything has come to at the peak point. I used to believe that these people somehow it change or stay the same but it supposes to grown up, I mean that, to be more realistic than they are in school because like I said, we’re stepping up to the next chapter which is the real world. Somehow, I missed them and I'm remembering the times that we’ve shared this victory and triumph together, well, not all of them, it’s not gonna happen because when the reality speaks, they do really change, we have our own lives, a different path to pursue with, same struggle to pass on, different people to surpassed with and the variants of goal to aim with.  

Now, when it comes to people, I don’t have many expectations for someone better or anything, the more optimistic and thoughtful I am, the less trouble that I’ve been through in that situation, but somehow, this is not going as well as of many situations comes, it will be my agony and a depression triggering moment that caused by somebody else. this is my trouble for choosing people to be with and to deal with even though that I know what I'm doing in any activities in school. This is my hardest time to go further in life which is with the wrong people at the wrong time, even I surpassed it, the better damage has remained in the later future and when I’ve seen them around. I don’t have to mention them here, not necessary because this is not important to do it, in fact, they do not matter for me anymore because of the surpassing time, make sure that it won’t be happening again from anyone just like them. From choosing the people is the hardest part of life as it is, the fact that the cancerous society has already affected most of them, we didn’t know who is the finest and who is not which anytime strikes you when they have the chance. I don’t mind it! there are many friends, or family like people has still in touch for me to reminding the most important for me to do, to fight, to endure and to nourished in every journey that I’ve been through every year, just as I’ve posted this for consecutive years.

I used to see and know every day that the fact that: “People always come and go!” yes it always right, but it comes in many versions of this when it comes for encountering so many people.

1. They used to be with you just because they want something from you, and when they get it, you’ve been trashed like hell.

2. You just nothing but the laughing stock, unvalued and easily duped by random people. they don’t mind that you’re one of them.

3. Stupid people don’t care if they sin. once the system runs by the foolishness, they embraced it as a whole.

4. They’re never welcome changes and an optimistic way for character progress. as the woke culture, they still maintaining stereotypes AF. 

5. Society infused of Toxic Filipino Culture, they’re pertaining to themselves as being always right even though that they are usually wrong.

These specified characteristics and traits of the Filipino people nowadays, I'm so thankful that I'm not falling for some people has bad AF. Luckily, I'm not affecting these people like before that I’ve blogged them as you see in previous years. Maybe they still people to do it but it does not matter to me anymore. 

The fact that “People always come and go” is essential, it has not that you want them to stay just from your own will, or a selfish attempt to do what you have to do to someone else or somebody, that was not good. It happens unexpected and usual way, we have to choose the finest people by looking it more carefully. I have to be fair and neutral for finding the finest people, I'm not that religious one or an apathetic one just as the agnostics do. I’ll find my way to meet them and recognized them as they are and not what others wanted to be. Lastly, if they leave, let them be. just make sure that you keep yourself a finest one which is whatever it happens you’re still the best and remarkable person that anyone never forgets. Please be a good one. The last thing, some of my team’s argument about the attitude show-off, one of them says: “You don’t have to know that person in order for you to do certain bad things, all you have to do is to be nice all the time, plain and simple. it’s not that hard and complicated to do.” yeah it’s right, but most of the people haven’t found that this is the best way. 

and now, the time is nearly over for 2018, for stepping up for the next chapter and for another battlefield with this blessings, strengths, and wisdom that I've earned with this hardest moment of this year, this is always what I’m thinking during the quiet times.

Yeah right! I was thinking of it when I'm still answering that simple but it becomes an epically tragically question, as usual, nothing! it has quantitative vs qualitative modes of results that I’ve got. why! because what the achievement that I get today is the biggest time for the big one which is what about to face in the future. that was the qualitative mode, the biggest one, but look what I’ve lost, counting of losing time, effort patience and chances of opportunities just from this stupid research works that cater to other people, particularly for choosing the wrong persons for accompanied with. that’s the quantitative model of results, the worst ones. But I'm managing to surpassed it all, which means that when the works are over, so with them for good. I don’t want to see them ever again. 

Speaking of people that I need to forget, I know someone that really, needing to forget or somehow, she didn’t exist to my system and I was so irritated when I see her around with my family including her with our conversations. Since my greatest fault has to be used to look upon somebody more than myself, and now I'd realized it, this is so not good. Before I go somewhere for a sweet escape from all toxins of my physical, mental and spiritual being.

During unwind, I realized a lot of things that there are many situations that I won’t be allowed to happen but it was. Falling for her! For someone tells me about boundaries for myself over anyone else is much important to do. I see now and love myself more when I was in that place, appreciate everything I’ve to see and be thankful that there are many people that for me to accompany with and there are true friends that still embrace happily for having me, then I was thinking of her, everyday anything happens, the fact that I'm falling for her before is making me sick! All of I saw her up more than me of what she is, the idea is very disgusting. Just I’ve dug in for a cake full of icing, or a taste of sin, it’s like you ate a cashew pistachio Ice cream on the outside but wasabi in the inside. it’s a terrible trap. she thinks that she has prettier than everyone else, she looks by herself because she thought has she can overcome all of her so-called “sexy-brain!” wait, what? it’s a ridiculous just like her fashion statement over her terrible face. she’s pushing to be manipulative to anyone, especially to Maeve. I hate to seeing it that she used that opportunity that makes an advantage over someone else. I used to talk to all of those people that I know which is she caused the conflicts about her trips of life, the good thing is they understand and a fact that they still hate her, I can’t help it because they have their point. Damage has been done and it can't undo that fact. the point here is I don’t hate her today, I just need to erase her permanently from my system. I don’t need her for something anymore and it will regretful that we become friends, she caused so many struggles and trouble before, it will never be happening again anymore so she will be vanished as for 2018 as it is.. the last look.

there are people has to be accompanied with y battles for some morons in my team. she understands, somehow, we have a common struggle in academics, I don’t usually introduce someone here but since this is the last time, let me do it will you.

She is Xean Morelle Borja, a lower year best buddy, she makes me a mentor for some other reasons, academics, real life talks, trips and anything since when we’re both in school. now we have the peak point that we have to get our separate ways, I didn’t help her anymore with her battles in college life, because my chapter in school has to end here. It so sad that I don’t have many coolest facts about her but it much better to know here more at your own risks. I don’t have many spills any pieces of information about the person here.

As the final remarks of the Tumble yearly recap, there is no changing on your own fact that many of us people are wishing to do every new year or year ender events. If we still managed on our own, it won’t work well, come to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, not of anyone, not from friends or any pastors and philanthropists, go to Jesus and he transforms you for as good as new just allowed him to do to yourself and you’ll see. 

I will like to thank you for all my friends or become friends that I include to my recap for the past five years. I will like to thank you for all become mentors of blessings, success, struggles and certain stressful moments in life when I'm battling so many battles of my certain chapters in life. There is no wishful thinking anymore for the next blog like this because there’s no more blog like this in the first place. This is the very last time that I’ve features people with images and visual kinds of stuff. There are goodbyes, I hate to seeing it, so sad to feel it but it’s true, Goodbyes is painful but it makes you better somehow if you understand that there are many things has to come forth to be with. Thank you FEU and UBelt for my second home and finest battlefield in life, I have so many moments that I’ve cherished until we’ve met again. Thanks for your support and anything you can do to help. thank you so much for staying for the finest friends I know. and I say for 2018, Goodbye and  THANK YOU. NEXT....... 

HAPPY 2019 to all!  Goodbye Tumblr

This is Paul Wayne. Signing Out

[crazygirl14322]

Self realization

It all start back in 7th grade. Since then its just been a pattern circling around me, and the chain just won’t break.

2012: The moment I stepped foot into that class room, your eyes were planted on me. Afraid to look up at new faces, I didn’t notice you, but you noticed me. Days go by and word got around that you liked me. Facebook notification pops up on my phone and it’s you. Small talk but my heart thumped to every letter that typed on my tiny little hand held device. Eventually I ask him out and he agreed….duh. But little did I know that I would be sitting on the bleachers minding my business and you would break up with me. Although you forced yourself on me, then took one blow below my belt, i stilled liked you….why ?? Was I not good enough, too skinny, boobs not perky, or not a big butt. From that point on I started blaming my self for guys I was with own insecurities, low self esteem and immaturity…..then I got with his Bestfriend, and were still cool till this day. But then he left me for another girl that’s he’s been with for 2 years now.

2013: 8th grade. This Person is my best friend now but he also hurted me. This person was just as goofy as can be. Always stayed up late talking to each other on the phone, made funny little jokes, and boy could he spit some fire. Maybe this is it I thought, maybe I’m starting to “love”. I could never get enough of him. Talking all day and every day. Afraid to hang up the phone when we were getting tired. The moment I got the password to his Facebook, my whole perception of him went down the drain. This one particular girl caught my eye. And little did I kno my gut feeling was right. Our conversation became less, phone calls Here and there, attention was short and more arguments took place. I brought up the girl and I believed whatever he told me. Until the day came that we were no longer together. Hurt and tears rolled down my face every single night. Checking his page cause I missed him and didn’t want to lose him. Until I had to just let it go. Even going to school crying bout it. 7 months !! And it was the start of my high school career now.

2013: 9th grade. Boy he didn’t last long, but are memories was something else. Mr. Smiley, you sure did put a smile on my face. Stayed up at night listening to music with him on FaceTime was the best nights. Getting on the bus together not knowing soon we would be sitting with each other making out in the back until the sun rose up going to school. His lips was so soft and juicy. Lawd ! Leaving notes on the music board for him cause I knew he had that class next. Leaving him little notes in his locker, and jusy randomly kissing him cause I knew he liked my kisses. People loved us at school, saying we’re so cute. But then it seemed like he got irritated with me out of no where. He barely talked to me in school. Not even a kiss or stare. What did I do ?! One slip up and you throw your valentine gift at me, push my chair across the room and left me wonder why you stopped giving me attention. We coo now till this day, even came up to my high school a few times just to kiss and hug me.

2014: 10 grade: he was the rebound of the last boy, but he was so much better. I’m gon keep this one short cause he didnt do anything to hurt me. All he showed me love and care, WE WERE THE IT COUPLE !! Kisses every morning at my locker, random gifts, playing around in class, watch him hoop at the reck after class, but ….I was the one to hurt him. I tried to get him back…..a whole year and 3 months later to be exact. Back together like nothin happened but people didn’t like me after that. They put up with our relationship but they didn’t want him to get back with me…..so he got back with his ex, after we broke up again 😂😂 but then after they broke up, we went back to the usual sneaking around the school and meeting up afterwards….boy did I feel shitty. It’s funny cause we coo’ but he’s the only one I don’t talk to now.

2015: 11 grade. He lead me on for a whole year. But it was the best year I’ve ever had. The dates I’ve always wanted to go one, showed me love and care. It was just like we were together, but I guess I got to clingy. Wanting him all to myself but he didn’t really want me. Tired of the lies and hurt, we finally ened. We’re coo’ now but he still trying to make me believe that something can happen when it’s not, and I don’t want it to.

2016: cheating cheating cheating, hurt hurt hurt, lies lies lies, break up. 1 year together

2017: man oh man !! I met this fella a year ago and who would have thought I would be laying in his bed getting some good juicy kisses. Everything about him is just amazing. I’ve never been with this type of person before but he showed me the love I deserve. We started and ended on a good note tbh. He even talked me into writing on tumblr…that’s why I’m posting this lol. He match my goofy and that’s what I loved about him, the way he talk and carry himself. Its hard to describe our situation cause it beautiful yet crazy lol. He’ll have to tell you himself. But we still talk….now….jusy a few minutes ago…..he’s at work now lol but yeeaahh

So the reason I mention all of those guys I had relations with, is because it made a impact on me. As you can see its been a repeating process over and over. I’m a hopeless romantic that didn’t give myself a break. I was looking for love in all the wrong ways. I didn’t take time out for me. As you can see, year after year after year. Now the rest of this year and all of next year, I’m going to love myself for once. Knowing what I deserve and need is the best medicine I can give myself right now. I need time to heal cause clearly I didn’t. I will make sure that right one come along but for now, im doing me.

[pninaharchive]

Just one number? What if you answered them all? It will take a while, but time is just an illusion.

LMAO luv a challenge thank u 💐 read more bc it got long obviously

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

ahh okay well i think about who i am as a person and whether im good or bad and recently in my reflections i realized that i have control issues?? and how to work with that is confusing to me but

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

no lol

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

no unless it was interfering with our relationship somehow?

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

yes and no?? i dont really trust a lot of people but im very optimistic and idealistic and so i never assume the worst of people. like if someone lied to me i prob wouldnt assume so unless it was glaringly obvious

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

sleeping lmao

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

this would never happen in my life oh my god i plan too much to not have a dd and a charged phone w access to a gps 

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

break up w the person and prob not talk to them again

8: Are you close with your dad?

no i dont talk to him

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

i havent kissed anyone since 8th grade 

10: What are you listening to?

currently im watching ink master in the background but in terms of music ive been playing big thief’s masterpiece and diiv’s is the is are

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

water lmao

12: Do you like hickeys?

ive never had one so idk for sure but the idea of it isnt super appealing to me

13: What time do you go to bed?

anywhere between like 11 pm to????? 3 am but usually closer to 11 bc i cant sleep in 

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

every man in my life

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

no not at all im so bad at 1 handed texting

16: Do you always answer your texts?

no LMAO unless its my mom or abby

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

i dont know that ive ever fallen before

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

an hour ago

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

abby and angel and my bunny

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

i dont remember i think i was thinking about tattoos

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?

my brother

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

no there are plenty of shitty people who are doing just fine

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

noooooo way 

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

no im kinda fine with the people i choose not to speak to 

25: In the past week, have you cried?

no

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

black

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?

my last name is 9 letters long absolutely not

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

no

29: Do you have a best friend?

ya abby lmao love that bitch

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

no. see #9

31: Who was your last call/text message from?

angel

32: Are you mad at anyone?

always

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

see #30

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

see #33. probably 19 or 20 idk

35: How many more days until your birthday?

345

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?

yes!!! im going to maine with my mom and her gf and abby soon and me and abby are gonna tear it up the rest of the summer.

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

i have no male friends currently

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

never

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

i dont think so

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

yes lmao see #34

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?

absolutely especially when either of the people is below 20 or so

42: Are you available?

emotionally, romantically, and sexually yes

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

i feel like i feel strongly for most people i meet im not really a casual person

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

i kind of want to get my other nostril pierced??? other than that i think medusa piercings are really pretty

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?

if both of the people are emotionally mature enough definitely

46: Do you regret anything?

most things

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

um ive been thinking abt my chronic illness lol bc i dont think im actively bleeding internally anymore but wondering how much blood ive lost bc ive been really exhausted and i think it might be anemia

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?

every one except the ones i currently have

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?

yes like see #40

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

i dont like anyone currently i wish i did

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

no

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

no oh my god see #49

53: What was the last thing you ate?

i just had some pasta

54: Did you get any compliments today?

i think someone said they liked my shoes

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?

maine!!!

56: Do you own anything from other countries?

probably but i couldnt tell u for sure my dude

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?

girls

58: Where have you lived most of your life?

rhode island

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?

sunday

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

no has anybody

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

no has anybody

62: Who do you text the most?

abby i guess?? i dont really text that much

63: What was the last movie you saw?

i watched young frankenstein but ive seen that before

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

dont have a gf

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

none lmao i was in like 7th grade

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

idfk see #52

67: Do you curse around your parents?

yeah

68: Are you happy with where you live?

not really i wish i was on my own in like europe or some shit

69: Picture of yourself?

check out my insta boiii

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

i think it depends on the other person?? i could be open to either i think

71: Have you ever been dumped?

no

72: What do you most like about making out?

passion

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

lets play a game called how many ways can i say im a virgin

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other? 

i feel like this set of questions has something against me

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

i like!! tummies and legs

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

my mom probably

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

gOD

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

aoidsfkfkl

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

ummmmmmmm honest compliments and affection 

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

probably not right now bc im not ready or interested in kids but maybe someday 

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

a couple people 

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

not usually but i havent had a crush in a long time

83: Do you miss your last sweetie?

what the fuck

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?

prom last year

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

olive is my boo

86: How can I win your heart?

ugghgh idk openness and honesty, passion, similar interests, buying me flowers

87: What is your astrological sign?

gemini!!

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

sleeping

89: Do you cook?

yes i love cooking!!

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

no 

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

yes im such a fucking romantic

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

i think im a monogamous person but im?? also really flexible depending on the other person

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

idk im not picky ugh just 

cute

94: Name four things that you wish you had!

a new laptop and purse, money, cute gf 

95: Are you a player?

no im a pussy and also i love women

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

no god 

97: Are you a tease?

no

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

yes

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

no

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

yes omg definitely

101: Hugs or Kisses?

kisses!!!!

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?

absolutely

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

gross

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

only if im interested in them tbh

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

no this hypothetical person sounds like a dick

106: Do you flirt a lot?

no

107: Your last kiss?

see #66

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

no its like every question is about kissing

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

asdfghj

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

barbie ferreira :(((((((((( 

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

no that would be too convenient

112: Does someone like you currently?

not that i know of

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

nope

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

serious relationships

115: Ever made out with just a friend?

no

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?

who could say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#answered #this took so long im so sleepy #Anonymous