#its a beautiful af place i dont blame them

[writefightandflightclub]

Sink then float (Poe Dameron x GN reader)

Summary: Poe comes back from a mission to find that reader is experiencing a depressive episode, and he does what he can to take care of them while they’re sick. Hurt / comfort. Angst / slight fluff.

Author’s note: Was feeling super crappy at the start of the week (I’m ok now!) and this angst-bomb came out of me. Pleased to have finally written something, though it tackles a tough topic. I’ve tried to be as sensitive as possible while writing about depression, and while it’s something I have experienced in the past, of course it manifests differently for everyone. I have drawn on some personal experience to write this, but it is a fic. Therefore, it is necessarily outside of my direct experience, which opens up the possibility I may have gotten something wrong. Therefore, if you think there’s anything I’ve handled in a way that is harmful (even honest mistakes can be mistakes) I’m happy for you to send me an ask outlining this so I can correct and do better.

Warnings: It deals with reader in a depressive episode, and it is from reader’s POV. As such, it is pretty angsty, ngl, as reader’s thought process is in a bad place. The piece grows more hopeful as it progresses, and ends on a hopeful note, however it may still be difficult reading. I’ve actively tried to acknowledge in the text where reader’s thought-process is skewed by being sick e.g. when they say they are worthless, I’ve tried to directly counter this as it’s not objectively true. The last thing I want is for anyone to feel worse reading this, so I’ve tried not to validate reader’s most difficult thoughts (though what they’re going through is valid and it is valid for reader to be experiencing those thoughts)! That said, please take care when reading, as some of the feelings and thoughts set out may be triggering. Also, whilst there is no direct mention or suicidal thoughts or ideation, I am also warning for that, as there is some crossover in thought patterns. Ultimately, this is a fic about Poe being there to comfort reader, but reader finding that shred of hope inside themseleves, amidst feelings of hopelessness. I didn’t want to suggest that Poe could “fix” reader, so yes, they are still depressed at the end, but more comforted and hopeful than at the start. Sorry for all the warnings, but I wanted to be clear so you can make an informed decision on whether to read. Please stay safe!

GIF by @twillight​. Yowzers, it’s PRETTY AF.

There’s no poetry any more.

There are only syllables. Vowels like an orange in your mouth. Consonants rattling between your teeth. You speak only of sleep. Your words hollow like a worn, sprung mattress; inviting rest but offering no comfort.

Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

There is no art any more.

Not even in a thousand burning suns. Not even as you tip your face up to the milky black. Not even in his face; that face you love. You look, and you feel numb.

Numb. Numb. 

No music.

Birds sing. It’s just noise, ringing in the hollow of your body.

Noise. 

You want to sleep. It is all you want, and you merely want it because you want nothing else.

No dance in your body. No motion; only stillness.

No fight left in you...

What is left, then?

Nothing?

Nothing left.

Yes.

Nothing but the robust pang of hunger.

Nothing but the parching thirst.

Nothing but this weight on your chest, pressing you to the bed.

Nothing but the refresher door taunting you because you can’t cross the chasm in five steps.

Nothing but the guilt and self-hatred, and false, invasive belief that you are worthless.

Guilt because you...

Can’t.

So much then? So much where there is “nothing”?

You are simply so full of empty that it has pushed everything good down. It has pushed you down until you are sunken. Until you are yelling at yourself from below water, sound muted.

Everything muted.

Colours. Feelings. Life. Love.

Worst of all, your love will be home soon.

Home and sleep is all you...

Home and you haven’t even...

You almost think about ...

You sigh.

You can’t.

You can’t complete the...

You feel nothing, and yet guilty tears fall to the pillow. A part of you understands you are not to blame for being sick, and still, there is this guilt.

You have him. 

Poe. Poe. Poe.

So, shouldn’t you be happy?

Why can’t you be happy?

Love shakes the inside of your chest, rattling against the bars of your ribs and wanting to be known. Reminding you of what you lack. It hurts. Everything hurts when it flexes, even love. Especially love. It flexes and it feels only restriction. It feels only weight on its chest. Such pain.

He will be home soon.

You love him. You know this, intellectually. And yet, you don’t want to see him. Don’t want think of him. Because you don’t want to be seen by him.

Not like this.

You don’t want to let him down. You don’t want to break his heart by meeting his loving gaze so hollow. As if he is not sunshine. As if he is not a thousand suns blazing; and yet, instead of poetry and art and music in your heart when you think of him, there are mere syllables, images, noise. There are those vowels again, large like an orange in your mouth, consonants rattling in between your teeth as you cry muffled sounds into the pillow.

He’ll be home soon. You don’t know how soon. You don’t know how long you have layed like this.

Still, all you can do is lie empty, where the room brims with mess and misery and shadow.

All you can do is lie in this empty room, where you brim full with sorrow.

It is enough. This is enough. You are enough, though you can’t see it.

And so, because you can’t see it, can’t feel it, you bring your hands to your face, despairing. Your fingers find your hair, and it’s dirty.

You just want to sleep. You want to tug the covers back over your head and disappear but..

There is a rap at the door.

He’s home now.

A soft knock, then inistent.

He’s back.

After a week apart he’ll be so...

...disappointed to see you. At least, that’s what you mind is telling you to believe.

You turn away and close your eyes as he pushes through into the dark room. You cannot look at his sunshine. It is too bright, like the round circle of sun at the mouth of a deep well. You cannot look, so your eyes scrunch closed as he flicks on a lamp, and you hear his feet deftly pick through the mess on your floor.

You try not to look.

You try not to hear.

You try not to exist.

How can feeling nothing still hurt? How can you wish to feel even less than this, just to blunt your pain?

Still, you do feel something. You feel his sturdy weight settle on to the bed beside you.

You do hear. You hear him sigh.

Yes, he sighs, but it’s gentle, concerned, and his hand finds your shoulder, his touch like warm sand on your cold, goosepimpled skin. Rough and full of sunshine.That blessed sunshine you cannot -at the present moment-comprehend.

“Honey?” he asks, and you hear his voice, soft and tender. You hear his love, but you can’t feel it. No, you can’t.

His voice should ignite you. There should be blood moving beneath your skin but...

There is nothing. There is nothing in your mouth. Nothing but bones in your body.

“Honey, look at me, please?”

You peel your eyes open, bracing yourself for the disappointment you expect to find carved into his face. His eyes examine you, assess you, eyes flitting around the room to understand how bad things are. The state of you, the state of the room. The half-filled bottle of meds at your bedside- at least you’ve been keeping those up. That’s something. Something where you would insist there is nothing.

That look. That look in your eyes, your pupils like bleak, empty wells he tips his sunlight into, and yet he can’t reach the depths of you. Can’t warm all the way through, even as his eyes brim with tears and love.

He doesn’t look surprised, at least. He ran into one of the others first, then; Leia or Finn or Rey. They warned him. Warned him that you are worthless, a burden. No, you are not those things, you try to remember. They will have warned him that you are sick.

Suddenly, looking at him, you have words.

“I’m sorry,” you croak, your mouth as dry as sandpaper. 

“Why in the hell are you sorry, baby?” he asks gently, surprised now, his eyes searching yours. How does he do that? How does he look at you as if you are beautiful, even like this? Perhaps you are beautiful, even like this. Yes, you are. He sees it when you can’t.

“Because I...” you look away from him and sigh, even these simple words taxing your energy,”...couldn’t....”

Couldn’t get out of bed.

Couldn’t want to.

Couldn’t be happy when he came home.

Couldn’t want to.

Poe doesn’t judge you though. Not for this.

He’s Poe. Of course he doesn’t. Poe knows that people are not to be judged on such blameless matters. People are not the sum of their illnesses and struggles. You are so much more to him. You are everything to him, in fact.

He loves you. He loves you. He loves you. Always will. That doesn’t change when you’re sick. Why would it? Why would it?

“You did just fine, honey,” he insists through a thin, watery smile. “I’m still proud of you. I’m still glad to see you.”

You look at him.

He looks back.

You know you should feel poetry in it, like all the other times he’s come home. When your skin and your heart and your breath and your words and your lips were alive. When your body danced with his. 

“It’s bad this time?” he asks. “Like before?”

“I guess,” you croak.

You hate yourself. You hate yourself even though you dont deserve that hate for a second. You hate yourself for what you believe Poe must think of you, but you try to remember that your brain lies, and that Poe tells the truth. You try to remember everything he tells you over and over. You try to remember hope. Rebellions are built on hope, after all, and you? You are a Rebel; therefore, you know you must fight this too. A small, vanishing part of you knows that you can fight it, even if a louder voice in your head tells you you can’t. A voice with bad intentions. This sickness.

Still, you always promise Poe you’ll try. You always try. Have been trying. Even the refresher door becomes something that taunts you, a chasm between you and it as you try to make it there. You always try. Regardless, Poe’s always proud of you.

“Can I hold you?” he asks, his warmth and his unsurpassed beauty evident to you even now, even if it you cannot muster any ready response to it.

You shake your head.

“I’m disgusting.”

“Kriff, me too,” he says, his tone natural and easy, and refusing to shrink away from your pain- from the temporarary reality of you, as some do. “Came straight here. Five days on a mission without a shower? We can stink together,” he adds, with a tentative, lopsided smile, hoping to tease one from you too.

Poe has no trouble being hopeful, where that has never come easily to you.

Still, he’s here. He’s here at your side, all warm, sandy voice and his soft, loving eyes. Even if you had been convinced he would never come back. He is here. His rough hand is swooping over your cheek. Caring for you, even though he must be so tired himself.

Your eyes grow watery and your lower lip trembles. “I should be caring for you, you shouldn’t have to come back to me like this, after fighting...”

“Hey,” he protests, his voice hushed but his tone insistent. “You’ve been fighting too, baby. We both got our missions, yeah? If you ask me, I think you got the raw end of the deal.”

He’s perfect. He’s so perfect. You will the blood to move under your skin. You will your heart to ignite, but there’s nothing.

Correction; there’s nothing yet. It will come. It will get better.

Poe’s voice and eyes soothe you as you contemplate this. “There’s nowhere else I wanna be. I just wanna hold you. Okay, baby? Missed your beautiful face. Missed you so much. I’m kriffin’ lucky to come back to you.” 

Missed your smile, he might have said. You missed it too. Misplaced it.

Forgot how to...

Your thought-spiral is interupted as Poe shifts slowly on the bed, and he curls his warm, sturdy body around yours, holding his beloved little spoon tightly.

He’s wrapped around you, but you wish you could feel him.

Still, as his arms wind around you to tug you into him, you clasp his forearms tightly against your chest. A part of you knows. A part of you feels. You know how important this is. That he is home.

“Mission go ok?” you ask in monotone.

“Yeah,” he says, exhaling a tired puff of air into the back of your neck.

You wish you could melt for him and comfort him in return. You try, at least.

You try, but you feel like a gargoyle carved from stone, sorrow frozen on you. Face locked in a grimace. What mason would be so cruel as this? To make this bitter emotion permanent as stone? However, as he squeezes you tighter, fits against you so naturally, so familiar... As he touches you, you remember you are, in fact, skin and bone. You remember, even though the memory may be distant, that although your heart is heavy now, it once was light.

If it once was light it can be that way again.

He kisses your hair, even though it is dirty. He breathes you in, even though you are not clean. He loves you, and even if you think you are broken, he thinks you are perfect.

You are perfect.

His body heat suffuses through you, and you hadn’t realised how cold you were, until he warmed you. Poe had noticed, though. Poe loves you.

“Have you eaten? Drank anything?” he whispers into your neck, after a moment of holding you in gratitude and breathing deep, relieved breaths.

“Finn made me eat something,” you say, almost embarrassed, even though you know Poe does not judge you. “Managed half a ration. It was... today? I think it was today, I don’t know...”

“That’s good, baby!” he praises, entirely genuine. You feel him shift on the bed behind you, sitting up with his back against the headboard.

“C’mere,” he encourages softly, bundling you into his chest, and producing a ration bar from the pocket of his flight suit. “Split this with me while I tell you about the mission, okay?”

“Okay,” you agree, and Poe can hear that you sound a little sceptical. You doubt you have the energy to engage with him.

“I’ll tell you all the funny and horrific stories of your boyfriend’s heroics this past week. Shall I do The Thing as well?” he asks, and you swivel your head to look-up at him, seeing him tick up an eyebrow, slightly amused.

“Yes please,” you say, and you even manage the barest of smiles.

Poe proceeds to tell you all about his week as you nestle into his chest, his voice flowing through you like warm sand, pouring in and filling up just a little of the emptiness inside you. He also does The Thing, and he intersperses his animated storytelling with “your” part too, so that you don’t have to worry about upholding a conversation. So that you only have to listen, and you don’t have to worry that you aren’t able to react as you typically would. 

“That would be the bit right there you’d laugh,” he says as he recounts his finest dumbassery from the mission. A small smile inches over your face, as though you are rehearsing your own emotions. Trying them out. “Yeah, I think that one would be dumb enough to get a belly laugh from you.”

He continues.

“This would be the bit you would tear off my clothes because I’m a dashing badass,” he adds as he relays how he took down a ton of TIEs. “Yeah, definitely. You’d try to get steamy right about now.”  

It might be odd, but it is a comfort. It doesn’t remind you what you lack. You feel less of a deficit this way, as it reminds you what you’re capable of. That it is not always like this. That you do not always feel like this.

Will not, as soon as you’re better.

“And you, honey? Mission report?”  

You sigh, trying to think through what you have done, rather than what you haven’t. Even if the things to recount don’t sound as impressive as Poe’s, he always insists the battle is no less worthy. You are worth fighting for, after all.

“Well... I got a lot of sleep. Beebs made sure I took my meds.” It’s a short list, but what could be more important than that? The fact that you held on? Then, you have your first playful thought in days. “My love came home to me, and he thinks he’s all that, but he stinks pretty bad,” you tease, as if you weren’t in an entirely equal state.

“Kriff, you’re teasing me from your sick bed?” Poe’s chest shakes against you in gentle mirth. “Brutal, honey. Kriffin’ brutal.” You have a point though, he concedes. “We should both shower though, huh? Before someone catches a whiff and reports a possible herd of bantha in room z88?”

He clocks your trepidation as your eyes flick over to that taunting refresher door.

He squeezes your arm, and somehow manages to be encouraging without even a hint of being condescending. “Pretty far, huh? You can do it yourself tomorrow, but.. d’ya want your big strong man to carry you for now, baby?”

“Yes please,” you smile, and Poe shifts once again. First, he strips off his flight suit and tosses it aside, and then he peels back the covers and helps you to stand. Then, he helps you step out of your vest and pants, before swooping you up and carrying you the five paces to the refresher door, setting you down gently. You glance back at the rumpled bed, which still calls out to you, and although it is a short distance away, you feel like you have trekked across a damn galaxy.

Poe begins to run the water warm in the shower, casually handing you a fresh tumbler of water to sip on as he does so. Then, he takes your hand and eases you under the stream of water.

Poe’s broad hands lather up your body and your hair, feeling like an act of worship as he slowly, gently, washes days of rest away from you, without question. Without expecting anything from you in return except to let him- and even then, only if you want to. He then makes short work of rinsing off his own body, searching your eyes as he does so.

Water is a funny thing, you think- it can drown and it can cleanse. It can be gentle and forceful, deep and still or turbulent. After days of drowning, it feels good simply to be clean. To begin to rise to the surface.

You reach towards that circle of sunlight at the mouth of the well. You look a little deeper into his eyes. See a little further.

“A little better?” he asks.

You nod. A little better. 

You step out with him, and even though he’s tired -ragged from this mission- he dries you off.

He changes your sheets.

He picks your dirty laundry up from your floor and throws it in the basket. He throws away your trash.

He let the light in.

Literally.

Then figuratively.

Yes, you still feel so heavy. So, so heavy.

But you know. A part of you knows that lightness will come again, if you just hang on. You can see it. You can see that light at the surface, still out of reach, but not forever.

You watch him as he cares for you in all these small ways and suddenly there are vowels and consonants pushing out from beneath your ribs.

“I love you,” you say as you perch on the edge of the bed, right where he seated you, not thinking to move. 

He pauses, dropping what he’s doing and coming to kneel on the floor in front of you. Tenderly, ever so tenderly, he takes your face in his hands, and his warm eyes are as intense as you’ve ever seen him, as if he can’t believe that you fought hard enough to push this love out from the depths. For him. Even though you are so sunken. Even though you cannot do it for yourself yet.

“I love you too,” he promises, entirely earnest. 

You push a small smile on to your face, even though you know you need not wear masks for him.

Yes, it got bad again, but it will get better.

You hang on, and that’s enough. More than enough.

You have to hang on, because there will come a day you’ll be so glad you did.

When everything in your chest rises up and gasps for air and lets you breathe again. You will break the surface and come back strong and eager for this life.

“It scares me when you’re sick. I love you so much.”

“I’ll be okay again,” you nod. “Or, I’ll try.”

That’s all anyone could ask of you. That’s all you can ask of yourself.

That is enough. More than enough.

You are enough. You are more than enough for him.

You look at him. He looks back.

His face. His face is art. You feel all those things; poetry, art, music, dance. They’re there. They’re just sunken. Muted.

Poetry is in the pauses too. The blank lines and empty spaces; in the missed beats. You will come back to yourself, and you will make new art. Feel new things. Things more full and replete with joy. Joy can clamber from out of the deepest wells, given time. It will. It will again.

“Can I kiss you?” Poe asks shyly. “Been desperate to kiss you,” he admits, the corners of his plush lips tugging up into a smile. He is sunshine. He is beautiful. Perfect.

You nod, and his lips meet yours, chaste and gentle, and not expecting anything in return.

You try your best to feel him. To feel at all.

You close your eyes and hope you will open your heart. It has begun, with a crack to let the light in.

There is fight left in you, even if you can’t see it. Even when you can’t feel it.

“I’m so happy to be home with you,” Poe says, and his words are greeted with silence.

That’d be the bit you’d usually say... I’m so happy too. But Poe offers his words freely, and you know he doesn’t expect anything from you in return. He doesn’t expect your happiness. He simply wants to give you his.

This is not a warm story, but he is warm.

Correction; this is not a warm story, not yet.

But, oh. Oh, it will be.

It was so, in the chapter before, and it will be, in the chapter which is coming.

And you? You will thaw, I promise. Not because of him. But because of you. Because you’re a fighter. Because no matter how long you may be sunken, you will float.

Poetry takes a breath sometimes. Misses a beat. It is not a waste. It is not worthelss, this pause. Sometimes it is needed. The big breath hope takes before it floats to the surface. So, maybe there is hope.

Yes. There’s hope.

There is hope.

Hope is like the sun. If you only believe it when you see it you'll never make it through the night.  Isn’t that what Leia says?

You will make it through this night.

This is how you feel now but will not be how you feel forever. You are not carved from stone. You are a fluid thing; you are made of water. Sometimes, you can drown in yourself, and sometimes you can be cleansed. You are always moving and ebbing, even if it’s so far below the surface that you cannot detect the shift.

This will shift.

Love and life and light are straining, deep down, and after all that straining, pushing, trying, when they resurface they will be strong.

There’s a reason they say hope floats.

It cannot be drowned forever, even if it is is drowned right now. It is not set in stone. You will float, up beyond that circle of sunshine. You will heal, even though you are hurt.

Poe knows this. His eyes tell you all this, but most of all, you know it; no, you feel it, in the depths of you. This is truth.

Poe peels back the covers, and he tugs you to his bare body, warm flesh against yours.

He’s tired. All his body can speak of now is sleep.

You are both tired of fighting, so for now, you must rest, and try again tomorrow. You stroke his hair and he strokes your back, and for now, this is enough.

Yes, for now, this is more than enough.

You are enough.

#poe dameron x reader #Oscar Isaac #poe dameron angst #tw: depressive episode #tw: depression #tw: suicidal ideation #star wars #tw: hunger #tw: food

[staysuki]

aaaaaa i finally read EHALOJ aaaaaa puchaaaaaaa

seungmin had those pogi typings going on lmao i love it v much huhu he was really an ass at the start but i still could bring myself to hate him 👁💧👄💧👁 idk if its automatic bc hes my bias or wut xd

moving on i honestly dont know who to ship y/n with :”> im debating on hyunjin and lee know. and yeji my queen uGh 🤨☹️😠😐 but whatever, INTEOTW yeji has my full heart. hyunjin is oblivious af but i still cant say much since i wouldnt really also believe if someone dearly close to me is a bitch irl even if the signs are 13628 inch by 28251 inch big, colored red with christmas lights.

aaaaa lee know and y/n has those history going on tHat makes me kilig ehe ehe but the typical and cliche ‘main character changed bad boy’ is 🥵 BTCH IDK WHO TO 🚢 ANYMORE 😠 sorry felix but ur bromance with jisung is more than fine already.

anyways the focus is BARELY on seungmin but i keep thinking about him ugh ✨ biaz tingz ✨ thankfully your seungmin smau already started xd

omg you re so good at antagonising people wtf 🤩 like literally all your works have the most detestable characters bc of how hurtful and toxic their dialogue sounds 😎 ur so very super duper amazing x9999 at writing, believe me 😭 you always incorporate the right amount of crack and dark thrilling shit in your stories uWu

BTW I THINK the dates. chapter link is broken on the masterlist and the next button on ch 19. i accidentally skipped ch 20 but thankfully i noticed it bc i got confused since lee know stated on ch 21 that y/n didnt answer him when he asked her on a date wHEN i didnt read anything abt him making a move. i got to the dates. chapter, ch 20, by clicking previous on chapter 21 though. hOPEFULLY U GOT WHAT I EXPLAINED 😭

im soooo excited for the next chapters huhu you did so well like di ako mapakali aYAN GANDANG GANDA AKO NAPA TAGALOG 💀 rly good job 👏

so i checked the playlist you shared and all the songs there are exactly my vibes 😭 they are the singers i listen to and i agree 100% that it hits home. OMG ZACKS VOICE IN BINIBINI SOUNDS SOOO SIMILAR TO HYUNJIN SHXHWHXHWHDHWHS IDK WHY BUT I THOUGHT ABT IT AND I CANT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD HUHUHU 😭😭😭😭

huhuhu neways its 11 pm here, i might read a few more fics before heading to bed. hows ur day btw?

- bs

uy omg ok 👁

POGI TYPINGS PLS 💀. true, we can never hate seungmin 😤.

and yes hehe, the ships are ALL OVER THE PLACE one’s going to antartica while one’s going to florida or smth idk. but my goal is to just pull on everyone’s strings with that one since i don’t really plan to focus on the romance that much, it’s really more of a slice of life story with shitty people in the mix or smth. but there wILL be an endgoal boy. the key is that even i don’t know who it is 🥴❓ makes it more unpredictable, no? but it probably won’t be until long. i plan on focusing on every character and give them beautiful developments so that’s how many arcs(?) 😀, probs overambitious here but i’m excited to try and make a longer smau after rushing my previous ones + i have a lot of notes for EHALOJ from when i started planning it a long time ago so i already have a basis for season 2 once i start it in the VERY DISTANT FUTURE.

i made INTEOTW yeji the way she is to make up for the fact that she’s one of the antagonists in this story :,). that’s kind of like my own pattern, i want balance. also hyunjin being gaslit by his own sister 😔💔💔💔.

minho ship looking promising for you huh 🥴. felix kinda came out of left field but isn’t he such a cutie. literally everyone’s rooting for yongbokie but i don’t blame em, he’s not like INTEOTW felix huhu.

SECRETARY KIM is a busy man 😤 let him do his job. kim seungmin smau is indeed out and it’s a new character trope!! no more tsundere, confident, and/or snarky seungmin 😌 i’m moving out of the stereotypes here.

and also thank you!!! that means a lot. ngl, i feel like i overdo it(??) like, i want villains to be “real people” and not outright “people made to be villains” ifykwim, i don’t want them to be hated because “hey i’m obviously a shitty person!!!” but because they’re complex and not some 2d bond villain. but idk, maybe i didn’t really have a choice with EHALOJ yeji because SHE IS just like that 🤔. hyunjin is in mental turmoil even. probably my favorite “antagonist” moment would have to be dark seungmin in the earliest chapters. but thank you for the compliments, i love writing dialogue, even my editor irl (for my non-tumblr works) always compliments my dialogue dynamic writing so that’s why i stuck to smaus, it’s just dialogue all the time 🤪. i was a bit afraid the EHALOJ might be a bit too dark to garner any attention (bc nobody wants to see their faves antagonized, valid) but i’m glad i took the risk, it was hard to get through but it’s honestly one of my hate-favorite works and i’m glad others seem to enjoy the twists and turns too despite the obvious lack of focus in the romance.

AND YES I FIXED THE LINKS. SOMEBODY ELSE POINTED IT OUT. HOW EMBARRASSING. MY QUALITY CONTROL IS GETTING BAD 😭💔

and tHANK YOU huhu, i swear it’s finished na, just all queued up hehe, not gonna dump it no no no 👆👇👆, i will follow a fixed schedule of uploading every three days. i think there’s five chapters left in the good ol basement. one of my irks too is that i don’t want smau chapters to be released in succession bc i don’t want people to just see smaus when they scroll through my feed so like, if i already have a lot of buffer posts in between like asks or self updates then i might update early. if not, then imma post other randoms in between.

HWANG HYUNJIN AS FRAT BOY NA TAGA BGC SUPERIORITY. medyo napa 🤨🤨🤨 ako sa exbattallion, that group is such a meme (i remember when socmed was tRASHING pauwi nako for being cringe) but i just respect the vibes and listened to everything 😤. AND SEEEEEEEE. THEIR VOICES ARE SIMILAR OMFG I CANNOT.

my day went great! celebrated my mom’s birthday. out to get tattoos once again. hope you have a good sleep, i’ll always be making fics for you to read 😌♥️ how’s ur day.

#anon: bub stop. #behindfics #ehaloj thoughts

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 46 - watching notes

Full disclosure: I'm not in a particularly good mood today. Have you seen that "no productivity. Only guild." Meme flying around? That's me today :|

Hopefully this will distract me (though distraction was the problem in the first place 🙈)

I apologise for any typos you'll finde in this post 😅

To recap, the last thing I learned was that apparently, Jiggy married his own sister because Jin Guangshan was a scumbag who raped more women than he could possibly remember

I was told by several people that this episode is their favourite. No pressures or anything :D

The way someone is dragging up Jiggy's secrets has a lot of poetic justice to it. Everyone is outraged and gossiping. Consensus is reached quickly. Kinda makes me feel that that someone (who probably also wrote the letter to jgy) knows exactly how to use the sect world's worst qualities as a weapon

Yao what's-his-name, resident gossip queen, at it again

Don't look at me my memory is as bad as wwx when it comes to names :D

I was about to write who is Lianfang Zum again and then I remembered that it's jiggy's honorary title. See what I mean? ^^

What does it say about me that my heart makes a leap when I simply see wwx leaning close to lwj to whisper to him? 😅 I'll probably die reading the novel, that's what that says

Oh so it was the maid who sent the letter

Come on Wei Wuxian! That was cruel

Yeah Yao what's-his-name, why would you need to know the identity of who ever is behind this? It's not like you've ever been deceived before!

What's... with that bracelet?

I love it how everyone looks positively startled when Lan Wangji says something unprompted :D

Wait ... Zwei Jun is in his hands? Shit, i don't remeber what happened there. Where did Xichen go again? 😬

I'm so confused right now 🙈 I can't watch and read the subtitles and type

Okay, watched the whole conversation again, now I'm following

I reiterate my earlier statement that whoever is pulling the strings here knows exactly what strings to pull to get the clans to act

Great, another mob 🙄

Loooool

NOW you want his help? 😂

Sure, as soon as he can serve YOU with his "evil tricks", that's okay!

You can see how much wwx changed because he does not hold their hypocrisy to their faces. He mostly seemed tired of it

And Jiang Cheng just realised that wwx might indeed not be responsible for Jiang Yanli's death, didn't he? He's almost stunned 🥺

Or is BEAUTIFUL to see Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji move in such unity! 😭

Oh ... those are the graves of his foster parents, right? :(

And Yanli ... oh God I forgot about Yanli 🥺

I'm crying again. Nothing on this show will ever hit as hard to me as the Yunmeng siblings' fate

I couldn't help myself, I legitimately just stroked my laptop screen where Yanli's plate was 🥺

So many conflicting emotions

Thanks to a friendly anon, I know that these three bows together are marriage thing! 😭😭😭

So yeah, they're married now. I dont make the rules :')

Somehow, this feels like them asking wwx's foster family's blessing

And now I'm imagining Shijie smiling back at them gently and I'm crying 🥺

And by God, I love lwj's gentle teasing :')

This whole scene, he's so soft! 😭

And it think that Wei Wuxian probably thought that he'd never get to step into Lotus Pier again. But here, he can finally say his goodbyes to his Shijie properly. He can heal! 🖤

And again, I cannot stress enough how wonderful that is! And how rare and precious in a show like this. So often character's get put through unimaginable trauma, but they either brush it off no problem or the show/movie ends immediately after the main action and you are left to imagine the number it did on the character's psyche. There are so rarely fantasy shows that really dive into the emotional fallout the plot has on their characters and then give them time to heal. Thus show does both and I'm so goddamn overjoyed my it!

Come to think of it, it reminds me of a very good hurt/comfort fic 🤷‍♀️

Jiang Cheng pleae, fir once, try not to be angry immediately when you're hurting :(

He still takes special offence that lwj is there. Makes me wonder if he still feels like wwx chooses lwj over the Jiang sect and is still hurt by it 😔 (note that at the same time, he reminds wwx that he's very much not a member of the Jiang clan anymore. God, the man has not worked through his own feelings ...)

For once, as much as I love it when lwj defends wwx (especially when it's not against any physical harm, but because he doesn't want wwx to be hurt emotionally) I think him interfering with this particular conflict does not help

Okay sorry, but no! lotus pier was not destroyed because wwx saved lwj in that cave. That was just an excuse for the Wen sect. They would have come eventually anyway

Ohhh

So there's my answer

He's still hurt because he feels wwx chooses anyone else over his family, which is to say him

And he probably can't understand because their positions are so different. The (future) sect leader and the son of a (dead) servant and a rogue cultivator who never felt quite like he belonged 😔

It's so goddamn tragic how much between these two was destroyed simply because they have such a different status in society and could never quite understand each other's perspective

And again, wwx just takes it 💔

Until, that is, lwj's honour gets besmirched

Don't fight in front of Shijie 🥺

Jiang Cheng's every action screams that he still loves his brother and that amidst all that pain for his lost family, is also deep betrayal and grieve for the brother he thought he could always count on 🥺💔

Can we appreciate for a second how much this shot tells us? From Jiang Cheng's angry desperation, to Wei Wuxian's quite acceptance of his rage (which must be so confusing to Jiang Cheng and probably hurt him even more. Because fighting is always how these two resolved their issues!) to Lan Wangji who is in full on protective mode (which I find more than heartwarming,but still think probably isn't helpful rn)

He ... what?

I still don't quite understand when exactly wwx's lack of golden core shows. Why does he have a nosebleed here?

What?

Oh!

Wen Ning 😱

I get what he wants to do!

Have we ever seen him this calm and determined before?

Abd they understand 😱😱😱

The look on all of their faces! Shiiiiit

I'm crying again

Oh wangii is crying 🥺

Wen Quing 💔💔💔 I'm crying even harder just looking at her. I've MISSED her 🥺

Lan Zhan your FACE!! 😭

The way he's looking at wwx in his arms, as if he's seeing him fir the first time

And by god, I can only imagine what he must be thinking

He must be reevaluation every single interaction they had since wwx started down the path of demonic cultivation 😭

I'm a bit in awe of Wen Ning here and how much he must have been holding in. That's the steadiest and most confident he's ever been

Oh Jiang cheng 💔

That looks like a man whose entire world has just been shaken to its core

And Lan Wangji is crying so much 🥺

God I hope he doesn't blame himself even more 🥺

Aaaaaaahhhh, so that is why he wouldn't just carry the sword for appearance sake and why he just had a nosebleed!

Jiang Cheng probably needs about a month to process all that :/

And therapy ...

Aaaaaaahhhh! The boat scene! I've seen gifs! 😍😍😍

A penny for Lan Wangji's thoughts ...

Oh I'm so so so so glad that Wen Ning gets to say thank you to the man who raised his ... cousin (?) :')

Oh god we get to see!!!!

Oh little a Yuan 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I wonder now, did Lan Qiren know who the child was that his nephew suddenly brought back to cloud recess?

I'm glad that we all learned from this that keeping secrets from the people we love, especially secrets that concern them personally, will eventually come back to bide us in the ass. Than you for delivering that important lesson, wen Ning!

Which reminds me that I hope they eventually tell wwx that they know 😬

I swear to god, one of these days I will melt from the gentleness in lan Wangji's gaze :')

Shit. He had to be awake? 😳

You can pinpoint the moment Lan Wangji's heart breaks for all the suffering wwx endured and how close he came to loosing him even then 🥺

Waking like that in you lovers arms in the middle of a lotus pond - that's the dream *sighs* (minus the passing out bit)

It's weirdly cute that wwx thinks that it's Jiang Cheng's insults that have lwj so upset 😅

Oh GOOOOD ...

I can't

The moment Yanli's themes started to play and she appeared I started to bawl 😭😭😭

And he's sharing the lotus pods with them ... oh please, lwj, please understand what he's saying. That's his pove language! His sister's food was how he received love and right now he passes it on to you! Please, please understand it! 🥺

Oh lwj, don't 🙈

Awwwwww ....

He's breaking the rules for you!!! Just to make you smile!!! 😭😭

And holy shit look at their expressions 😭

By now you should know that he's willing to break the rules for you :')

And poor third wheel Wen Ning 😂

Now there are glittering butterflies???

Do they have some kind of romantic aesthetic bingo going on in this episode???

Oh okay, messenger butterflies

Please appreciate wwx almost climbing into lan Wangji's lab in excitement :D

Thay scene transition was pretty af!

Hey! Why do they bully wen Ning? 😤

*shakes wwx by the shoulders* DO YOU GET THAT HE LOVES YOU NOW???

Huh, this episode was a roller coaster. you guys did NOT exaggerate! I loved it to pieces. I'm floored once more by all the actor's performances. Wen Ning revealed a lot about his character, Jiang Cheng broke my heart, Lan Wangji made it melt and Shijie is still able to make me bawl in an instant. But ... I'm not left with a bitter feeling. Sure, jiang Cheng and wei Wuxian havebt reconciled, but the truth is the first step to even have that possibility. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are both healing and whatever happens in the last 4 (4!!!😭) episodes, I'm not dreading it that much right now. I feel like we're climbing upwards :)

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose thank you guys for staying with me for this crazy ride 💙🖤💙

Also one last thing: please don't tell me what happens differently in the novel in any given scene. I am still reading it (about half way through rn) and I'd like to still be surprised by stuff like first kisses and love confessions 💙🖤

I should have put something like this at the end before, but I always forgot. That's on me 😅 so don't feel bad, if you've shared something before :)

#the untamed #sophie watches the untamed #wei wuxian #wwx #lan wangji #lwj #jiang wanyin #jiang cheng #jiang yanli #wen ning #a yuan #the untamed liveblog

[plainvanillapotato]

the 100 diaries S3 E1

quarantine diaries: june 20 2020

Season 3 episode 1: “Wanheda: Part 1″

chris? oof chris is dead

ok so this explains where the dead body went but where did these guys go??

murphy does not look good at all. he would do so poorly in quarantine. locked up murphy also reminds me of jess from breaking bad

what is going on. ummm 

too many people. thanos?? Dwight??

so they just did a time skip through john murphy?? they could have chose a more interesting character but also 86 days is nothing murphy. but i do i like how hes vlogging his experience tho. likes hes the shane dawson of the 100

oh my god! jaha is carrying murphy..lincoln and octavia who??? umm yes the ship is still strong even after the separation. 

what a way to start a season tho but like kinda in a bad way. murphy is not my favorite character so yeah this intro was not really for me.

ok so why was it closed in the first

looks like they’re sticking with the same intro :/

woah this is what i like to see! yes bellamy fight lincoln!!! reminds me of the sherlock home movie intro. 

ICE NATION?! are we going to meet Katara? 

look at kane with a beard talking about real peace lol ok kane with these writers i just know that this wont last

MONTY!! looking good in a uniform

jasper shaved his head?! awww maya

bellamy and this girl?? theyre just gonna throw in this ship with no build up?? bitch waht?? ok fine but im calling it rn i bet this girl dies just for bellamy’s character development cuz there’s literally no other point to having this girl. but i will admit it was cute that she gave him a book

i wonder how many takes the water bucket to the face jasper’s actor had to do

hey hey hey chill jasper dont do that to my boy monty

lol i love jaspers salute into slapping bellamy like was that in the script or did the actor just come up with that on his own either way it was good

on the contrary raven i think that prettyboy bellamy is too good for her/whatever her name is

woooooow jasper blames monty? come on bro it was mostly bellamy and clarke

really who gave octavia a horse? but also since when did she learn how to horse ride because she her as hell didnt learn that on the ark

arkadia?? because of the ark?? ok

look at jasper just being an emo boy with his earbuds in. but also is that an ipod shuffle??? is raven steve jobs now? or where the heck did jasper get it?

what was that look jasper had with raven? ....ship?

wait that arm touch while miller sings let me make love to you...monty and miller a ship? you know what i ship it! 

aww and look at bellamy with a smile kinda reminds me of this cat

this scene is just giving me all the feels!! i love it! 

i gotta say tho i still really dont like octavia. i hate her even more on a horse i just find it pretentious 

bellamy said screw protocol. love this chaotic energy. whatever the hell we want he said

but also bellamy said millers boyfriend?? waht?? so that like means that monty and miller might actually be come a thing tho right??? sorry not sorry that im literally shipping everyone with everyone

i dont like murphys hair now either. way too much gel

what a waste of an apple. that wasnt necessary at all murphy

we’re all kings said jaha. yes i like this attitude

stop it jaha. i dont think you can justice killing that many people

imo this is a very solid group even with octavia. like this is my favorite squad so far it has all my favorite characters bellamy, monty, miller, jasper, and raven (yeah thats right octavia is not my favorites list and neither is clarke)

the ice people with the white war paint remind me of that one racist movie that johnny depp was in 

woah there jasper pretty bold and reckless there

lmao bellamy yells hold your fire after shooting the first shot

umm okaY OCTAVIA. nice throw.

oo bellamy said monty youre with me. yes yes yes monty and bellamy are my dream duo

what a beautiful black panther...what the heck clarke. clarke really is a crazy bitch to hunt a black panther 

also i really hate her hair rn. like im getting such bad vibez but also clarke really became fluent in 3 months??? huh?? what is that about?

ooo the wristband. 

if raven couldnt get down from the horse how did she get up there in the first place??

clarke is wanheda the commander of death umm really this is what the grounders think of clarke

that is not a good picture of clarke its like flynn rider and his wanted posters

question: i thought only the warriors knew english so why does this merchant know english 

contraceptive implant removals??? calm down jackson that isnt a life or death procedure. but also damn these people really want to bring in new life into this crazy world?

side note where the hell is wick???

yeah abby fix yourself. preach raven

clarke and niylah... waht?? also the music choice for this scene was straight up weird. like watch the scene and tell me that it wasnt weird

octavia what is this?? octavia stop being salty bitch to lincoln. this is just such a weird dynamic. also octavia if youre gonna tell lincoln that “you can wear their jacket. but you’ll never be one of them” can you please fucking apply this about you really want to be a grounder. such a hypocrite

why does jaha need him? cuz it doesnt seem like murphy has an skill other than keeping himself alive

“pain hate envy those are the abcs of me”-murphy. who is this guy Eminem??

emori?? murphy is like i really dont want to go with jaha but i really into this girl shes the only person that doesnt hate me.

is that shaw mendes?? like is that really him because to be honest shawn mendes has a common face? i really dont know and i dont feel like looking it up. if it was a cameo then it was as weird as ed sheeran popping up in game of thrones

really octavia really. sleeping on the ground underneath the night sky?? bitch who do you think you are? you’ve been on the ground for less than a year and youre acting as if this grounder culture is all that you are. I also don’t like how she is trying to be more “grounder” than lincoln who literally grew up in that culture. idk guys i just get really weird vibes. 

oooo get’em jasper that music was annoying me too

side note: but also who the fuck taught these kids how to drive a car cuz its not like anyone on the ark knows how to?? i get that its easy to drive a car but honestly my real beef is that we dont see them learning how to drive cuz i think that it would be funny af...unless please tell me they have flashbacks to them learning how to drive. if not, we were robbed.

great job clarke way to get yourself caught

this is the weakest season opening for this show ever like i gotta say that i really dont like this direction of this season rn

#the 100 #the 100 diaries

[thequeenb]

LOST LOVE (PART 3)

Author's note: English isnt my first language excuse my mistakes

Pairings: KamilahxMC(Amy)

Plot of part 3: Kamilah has to face her deepest fear.. choosing between life and death enemies and loved ones..will Amy be saved?

Warning: violence, blood graphic content

I made it angsty af enjoy;)

Kamilah was on the floor growling as she tried to get up. Never in her 2063 years saw someone with such strength. All the power radiating from Amy's body was scary yet draw them in.

Amy moved and sit in Gaius legs stroking his face "My powerful warrior we will finally release our dream..humans will pay and we will rule the world..better for our kind". Kamilah's eyes were tearing up hearing her lover's voice saying such words broke her heart but the worst was yet to come Amy kissed Gaius passionately moaning against his lips "I love you my goddess". "I love you my warrior". Everyone stared in disbelief

Lily cried, Jax had his katana out, Adrian was ready to attack and Kamilah ready to snap Gaius neck for what he had done to Amy. Before they can think twice Amy's voice made them stop "Well well..i see my warrior's plan was genius.. centuries trapped in a wooden prison i am finally free" her eyes burning red the betrayal made her furious. "Gaius gave you the gift be powerful even compared to a God and you felt compassion for humans? The kind who killed you torture you hunt you throughout the years??!!" She raised her voice. The power was fascinating they couldn't resist the sight of the goddess's spirit in the room. She was walking closer to them with a devilish smile. "This helpless human was hard to give up" she smiled wider walking towards Kamilah. She was on her guard ready to fight but she felt powerless. Rheya was to strong."She kept saying a name.. resisting" she touched Kamilah's chin deep red eyes watching hers "To bad she is dead right "Vamprire Queen"?" She flinched to these words her fangs threatening she push her back but she cant help but hesitate..its Amy's body.. Amy's face. Adrian run towards Gaius Jax helped him and Lily threw bolts with her crossbow to the traitors. Kamilah was standing there lost in thought throughout the chaos around her.

"God Kamilah you work to much you are a workholic" Amy said as she smiled. Kamilah looked up from her laptop and placed her perfectly manicured fingers on the desk. "I am a what now?" Kamilah's brow raised. "Oh you know a workholic? I mean you work to much". Kamilah stood up from her chair and came towards Amy and placed her hands on the girl's waist. "Oh?" She heard the mortal's breath catch in her throat as she leaned closer and bite her earlobe "i can take you right here in the office" Amy had goosebumps all over her body..she needed Kamilah.. desired her but that wasn't the reason she was here. "As much as i would like to continue thats not why i am here" Kamilah pulled back her expression unreadable "I am listening" she said as she went to the cabinet and brought out a wine and 2 glasses. "Well.." the girl lost her voice..she was scared to tell her about her weird dreams. What if she didn't believe her? Think she is crazy? What if she didnt knew who that gorgeous woman was who called her in her dreams? She sighed "forget its nothing" Kamilah moved forward again holding her hands in hers. Amy was surprised at the soft touch and worrying eyes she saw in the CEO. She swallowed hard and kissed her passionately. Hoping she wont ask her what's wrong. "Wow Amy avoiding problems with sex you are so smart" she thought to herself..but the CEO didnt lost a beat and they continued endless hours making her mortal screaming her name.

Kamilah shook her head..it all made sense. She blames herself for ignoring Amy's worrying eyes and fears. She could have protected her..hold her, be with her right now. But instead she was facing the most powerful vamprire in her lovers body. Amy in a blink of an eye pinned Kamilah against the wall watching her deep in the eyes.

Memories flash like a wind in Kamilah's mind.

"Kami?" Amy said she turned to the other side "are you awake?". Kamilah turned around with worrying eyes "what happened?" She reached and pull her in a close hug "i just had a nightmare and i dont want to sleep". Kamilah stroked the girl's hair a soft voice she wasn't used to make "well you want to tell me?" Amy didn't respond she pretended to sleep..she didnt want to make Kamilah worry with her stupid mortal problems. Maybe its just nightmares. Kamilah kissed Amy's forehead and kept sleeping.

Kamilah felt tears down her cheeks..her sweet human was invaded by a monster..she watched as Amy's hand was placed on her neck she closed her eyes ready for her fate. She couldn't hurt Amy even if Rheya had taken over. "Oh you surrender that easily? Thats who Gaius called his powerful Queen?" She let out a sarcastic laugh. Eyes red and fangs ready to attack Kamilah pushed her away sending her to the ground. Amy chuckled and grabbed a stake she found near by and with a lightning speed was Infront of Kamilah, the stake near her heart she looked deep into her lovers eyes..at least the last thing she would see was Amy. She closed her eyes accepting her death that awaited. A soft voice shaky and scared spoke to her surprise "Ka- k- Kamilah?" She said as she let the stake fall to the floor. Kamilah opened her eyes and she was shocked..sudden joy in her expression "Oh Am--" "YOU STUPID MORTAL STOP FIGHTING.. EMBRACE THE POWER" again that scary voice she heard before came back. Being distracted to her advantage Kamilah pins Amy to the ground "Amy please come back to me..i love you..i need you i--" She watched Amy's eyes flicker from red to green..to green to red.. until they settled in her beautiful colour Kamilah fell in love with Kamilah's eyes were soft wet until she realised Gaius was watching even though Adrian kept him busy. To Amy's surprise Kamilah rolled and now she was on top "Kamilah what are y--" "Shh Amy play along he will take you away from me again" her voice lower than a whisper her eyes full of fear. Amy's hand grabbed the stake with her shaky hand placing it on Kamilah's heart trying to sound like Rheya she says "My love we shouldn't kill them yet" she got up walking towards Gaius. Adrian watching Amy's green eyes backs away hesitantly. "Her power is so strong you are scared of her my prince?" He laughed loudly as his hands reached Amy's. At first she flinched, her hands shaking but she quickly recovered knowing the risks. "As he should my warrior". Adrian looked confusingly until he felt Kamilah's arms around him watching Amy's every move "We should torture them, show them how powerful we are" Gaius grinned and looked satisfied. "Of course my goddess" but before he could move forward to her dear friends she gripped the stake and dipped it deep into his chest. He turned around anger in his eyes "YOU--" before he could speak Kamilah run towards Amy and they all stared to the ashes Infront of their eyes. Amy fell to her knees she felt weak scared until 2 strong protective arms held her tight. "I am here habibti.." was the last words she heard before she fainted. "Amy.." she heard as slowly opened her eyes "Ka- Kamilah?" Kamilah got a protective arm around her lover

"What happened? I- Rheya where is she? Is she inside me still?" She started breathing heavier "i- i missed you.." Kamilah gave her a kiss tears of relief running down her cheeks "i missed you too i promise i never let anyone near you again..i failed you.. i-" Amy got up slowly and hug her tight "Shhh its ok..before i was captured by king asshole" Amy said and Kamilah let out a laugh Amy hadn't heard that laugh in a while she saw her bright smile she missed she looked at her hair and stroke them..she touched her face she kissed it..she looked at her body she held it tight.. everything she missed she kissed..she got lost in her levender perfume. Tears ran down her cheeks and Kamilah using her thumbs wiped them away. " Well before he take me..i wanted you to know how much i love you Kamilah..i have feelings for you..i wanted to tell you that night..i wanted you to know before anything happens" her voice broke a little as she started sobbing "and when i laid eyes on you i felt like you can see my soul..i like the way you open little by little to me..i like the way you dress elegantly and damn it what conditioner you use look at that hair" She stroked her hair as she continued Kamilah chuckled "i like everything in you ok? You make me feel safe.." the vamprire looked at her speechless but quickly recovered and took a deep breath. "I love you too Amy..since he took you i couldn't stop blaming myself..i felt like i will never see you again i couldn't bear it" she took the girl's hands in hers "i am yours habibti..i will always be i love that you are always optimistic that you are brave..direct different.. magnetic you can say" she kissed the outside of her hand "i will keep you safe" Amy hadn't stoped crying she kissed the vamprire softly..she fell in the pillows holding Kamilah they shared a comfortable silence and as Amy was starting to relax "Schwarzkopf" she says..and Amy turned and looked at her brow arched "you asked what conditioner i use" They both laughed much before dripping off to sleep. Amy was safe in Kamilah's arms. Kamilah for the first time felt peaceful. And they both looked forward to a future together.

#kamilah sayeed #bb kamilah #kamilah is my queen #choices kamilah #kamilah x mc #bloodbound #adrian raines #lily spencer #jax matsuo #gaius augustine #pb choices #choices you play

[mayapenelopeclutterbucket]

Thoughts I had while watching TGD 3x08 “Moonshot” aka this has been sitting in my notes forever everything just seems like too much effort I’m sorry 😭 please love me still

Ok so idk if anybody missed me but I did miss you all and im baaaack baby!!! So i was planning on just summarizing my thought after watching the ep because i wanted to eat while doing it lmao but i couldnt RESIST and already had so many things running thru my head. I’m sorry I’ve been so MIA everything these days just seemed like too much effort y’know, life and work and everything else but now i am forcing myself to starting this up again because I enjoy doing this and sharing my unimportant and mindless thoughts with you guys. THank you to everyone who asked about me sorry i haven’t replied (that depression kicked in) but I will go thru and respond, i love you guys!! Okay enough rambling (but would it really be me if i didn’t) and lets get onto the show

Sharly moment was going too cute and going too well why do i feel like by the end of this ep they’re going break up or something 😩

#buildupforabreakup with melendez god bless but i still don’t like neil fucking telling audrey she needs to take some of the blame 🙄🙄

So I already knew melendaire was going to work together and have a cute moment thanks to the lovely @gilbxrt-blythe but I DIDNT FREAKIN KNOW THAT IT WOULD JUST BE THE TWO OF THEM

And yay morgan finally gets her first lead surgery but I’ve seen the promo pics and she has glassman check her out so i swear to god if my bby has carpel tunnel or arthritis imma SUE

Side note still eating while i watch so we’ll see how well this goes lmao

Wow i feel like its been freaking forever since I’ve seen melendaire one on one with each other how beautiful 😭 and I don’t think I’ve ever seen them along together in the autopsy room

My food is geting cold but IDGAF with this blessed melendaire content I’m getting omg soooo cute talking about what they wanted to be when they were little I caaaant

Claire looked impressed by melendez’s idea 👀

And who would’ve thought you guys dating while she’s your boss would affect your judgement certainly not the hr lady or anyone else god help us

Is a l*mlendez breakup finally on the horizon

Uh oh is shaun going to breakup with carly because he considers her a “distraction”

I’m glad morgan finally has someone who believes in her and showers her with compliments

But i dont like that its asshole andrews ngl

Melendez not being confident is just weird he’s second guessing EVERYTHING

Who knew sharly working themselves up to sex would be cute

Why do i feel like once i go thru the tag I’m about to see a bunch of carly hate and people being like i told you so. I get where carly is coming from she just want shaun to be happy and comfortable and tries continuously to make sure that happens and make it work but like she said shaun gives up but i don’t like the mindset either that what she does is a chore and that she wouldn’t have to go thru this with someone who is neurotypical like her and i don’t like the pressuring of shaun having sex because yes he wants too but its not just a black and white situation and I’m tooooorn

Park being so worried shaun only lasted 8 seconds before he came is too fucking much 😂

Park being encouraging to shaun is pure but I still miss jared man plz bring him back

Lmaooo the place where l*mlendez is having their fight is where claire flirted with melendez

Keep up with the #buildupforabreakup PLEAAAASE they’re trying to hide their relationship but are publically fighting and raising their voices at each other SUBTLE

I really wish it was claire giving shaun these heart to hearts the lack of shaire content is desgustang

like the writers act like they ain’t even fucking friends

Of course why can nothing ever go well for anyone so I was right and morgan has arthritis 🙃

So one of y’all are really thinking of leaving to stay together PULEAAZE yall are not that serious so heres a wild idea BREAKUP

Wow what the fuck got my hopes up for a l*mlendez breakup and melendez tells her he loves her 🙄🙄 ON THE MELENDAIRE BALCONY NOW ITS TAINTED but she didnt say it back so 👀

She realizes she just told the president of the hospital she has arthritis right like what’d she think was going to happen

Wow negligence left and right at st. bonaventures

And now lim and melendez are having a moment ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

And that scene with the leukemia doctor hit a little too close to home for me

Yes yes yes it looks like lim is gonna break up with melendez god bless 🙌🏼🙌🏼

So on one hand lim said she loves him but on the other hand she said its not enough 🙏🏼🙏🏼

Ngl tho had the an inkling this would happen because I saw on twitter that christina chang replied to the tgd writers account when they posted a “💔 l*mlendez” and said there the ones who could change their fate so i have hope they will not get back together and if they do they won’t last because neither of them can be objective and oh yeah DON’T MAKE SENSE and have no chemistry

Yay sharly is still alive and kicking

And oh no morgan bby are you still in pain 😩

Oh my god carly and shaun are air holding hands again while lying in bed

Hmm wow okay I knew claire would still be having drama because I saw the promo pics but i did not really expect this, melendaire group chat speculated on that first guy she slept with being worried him being married would come back to bite her but i did not think she would make it a pattern and not care about the consequences of sleeping with someone who’s married. Yes it takes two to tango but we all know this isn’t normal for claire to act like this and self deestructive so is this finally going to be her wakeup call or will she keep spiraling and we’ll get a cliffhanger in the mid season finale involving her and her actions/choices ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ only time will tell

Okay guys thats it long af as usual but lemme know what you thought and what you think is going to happen to claire, melendaire and l*mlendez!!! 💕💕 I’m still hoping for a freakin melendaire heart to heart oh my goddddd why hasn’t it happened yet

After watching the new new promo I def feel the #buildupforabreakup coming on between l*mlendez and a melendaire heart to heart

And Katie brought up a good point I like how shaun has the potential to be fired after one complaint and yet coyle got to keep his after SEXUALLY HARASSING MORE THEN ONE PERSON wow #consistency

On this show

#the good doctor #tgd #claire browne #neil melendez #melendaire #shaun murphy #sharly #morgan reznick #alex park #audrey lim

[adhdreid]

irish celebrities be like *is at glendalough*

#hozier's huge wingspan picture... glendalough #fra fee has pics there too #its a beautiful af place i dont blame them

[the-fiction-witch]

The Deputy and The Inventor

TV SHOW: GODLESS COUPLE: WHITEY WINN  X READER (INVENTOR) RATING: SMUTTY AF

WHITEY’S POV:

I wondered though La Belle as many Ladies wondered the streets most of them not paying any attention to me till I suddenly heard a few little screams and a huge clatter and I saw y/n with another contraption trying to go down the streets so I ran to her making her stop “what the Hell is that!” I ask her

“I call it the go-atron” she giggles hopping off this device

“what does it do?” I ask her

“it works like a train, it’s kinda like a train and a bike bad a baby” she explains

“does it work?” i ask her

“Mostly” she giggles “it cuts out sometimes, and it tends to drop red hot coals on the ground behind it, and it tends to overheat” she explained

“Y/n take it home, work on it and test it up in the hills not though town” I tell her

“Oh...your starting to sound like bill” she sighs “what happened to fun whitey” she giggles

“I don’t know, all I know if you cant ride that thing though town” I tell her so she sighs sticking her tongue out at me turning it back on and turning it around going back to her house 

“that girl’s gonna bring the whole town down someday” Sheriff McNue sighs

“well she tries to help” I shrug 

“your just saying that cause your sweet on her” he laughs

“I am Not!” I answer 

“Ohh Please whitey, you and the inventors daughter have been sweet on each other since you where kids” he laughs

“I just like hanging around with her, even when we where kids, she was like the only person around my age around here” I sigh and just as I finish there was a huge bang 

“Best go see what’s she done” he sighs so I grab my jacket rushing off to the hill to Y/n’s little house bangs and clatters coming from the back of the house so I go around and see her hitting and working with a huge machine 

“Y/n are you alright?” I ask her

“Ohh fine whitey, nothing to worry about just the generator playing up again” she explains as it blew again sending bits of metal everywhere and a small fire to start 

“It doesn't look alright” I laugh

“It’s fine it’s meant to be on fire” she smiles “thats how it works” she laughs putting all the little bits of metal back covering the thing completely “so..what did you want?” she asks

“not a lot sheriff went me up is all” I tell her

“ohh come on in then I’ll make you a cup of tea” she smiles rushing inside so I slowly followed her the house full to the brim with little inventions she or her father had worked on at some point she problem is she’s rather forgetful she’ll start something put it down and then completely forget what it even was so her house is a bit dangerous when her father was around he used to make sure she kept up with things and made sure she didn’t kill anyone or herself with these things but...she’s all alone now, her mother passed away giving birth to her little brother and her father died down in the mines her brother, I haven’t seen him in years he ran off to find work in the fields on some ranch out west, I guess I’m really all she has now, I’ve known y/n almost as long as I could remember she was only a few months younger then me her father used to drop her with me when they went down into the mines leaving us to sit outside playing together till they came back “Ohh be careful the pipe is hot�� she says 

“which one?” I ask her

“Uhh most of them, I forget which one” she says as she pours tea so I carefully sat on a chair at the table and she sat across from me bringing the tea I took a sip at it tasted awful like hot wet mud so I quickly put it down leaning back on the chair “Oh no whitey don’t-” she begins as the chair fell backwards making me land on the floor “the back has a gear so it reclines, its broken though” she says

“its fine” I sigh in pain getting up and sitting again making sure to lean on the table when suddenly something across the room starting beeping very very loudly “WHAT IS THAT!” I ask her

“WHAT!” she yells

“WHAT’S MAKING THE NOISE!” I yell

“I DON’T KNOW IT JUST DOES IT AT 3PM EVERYDAY FOR A MINUET OR SO”  she yells

“WHAT!” I ask her just as it stopped “you really need to clean this place out go knows what you’ve got in here” I tell her

“look who’s bloody talking I’ve been to yours whitey i’m pretty sure you have a animal living in there” she laughs

“yeah me” I laugh “but seriously y/n do you even know half the stuff you have in here?” I ask her

“Not really-” she begins as the lights began to flicker “Oh not again” she sighed grabbing a broom and going outside “go On shoo, shoo you little theifs” she yells trying to shoo some raccoons away from her generator so I got up wondering around the house looking at all her little things the only clear space, from the door to the kitchen and table and from the kitchen and table to her bed everywhere else covered floor to ceiling in little inventions so I followed the cables on the floor two leading under her bed, what’s she hiding under there? I followed the cable with my hand it giving me a tiny shock 

“Oww” I complain before trying to follow the cable again

“Whitey what are you doing?” she asked 

“Ohh nothing” I laugh getting up “I should be uhh getting back” I tell her 

“Oh yes go on back to work then” she giggles so I give her a tight cuddly hug before going to the door “whitey?...where’s my kissy?” she giggles

“alright...” i laugh “come here” I sigh and she runs over jumping into my arms so I gave her lips one tiny sweet kiss and she happy kissed back she tried to kiss more but I pulled away “you said one you got one you greedy girl, now get off I got to get back to work, the sheriffs already starting to ask questions I can’t be to long” I tell her 

“fine” she sighs letting go so I gave her one more kiss before going back off into town...what? fine I’ll come clean, I am in love with her, we started dating only a few months ago but we agreed to keep it a secret from the rest of the town these ladies are already nosy in our business anyway dont need them knowing whats going on with us, well I say going on the most we do is kiss we haven't even done anything yet funny how I’ve known her so long and have seen her naked thousands of times over our lives, when our parents send us down for a bath by the river and I had to...Keep watch, well I watched that bit was right, not much of anything else, but we still haven't done anything 

TIMESKIP: Y/N POV:

I stood cooking up some dinner until there was a knock at the door “who is it?” I ask going over and looking though the spy hole 

“It’s me Y/n, let me in” whitey says clearly in pain so I opened the door and he looked rather hurt scratched in places and even bleeding

“find the animal in your house?” I ask and he nods “did you try to get rid off it?” I ask and he nods “did you lose?” I ask and he nods “do you need a bed for the night?” I ask 

he nods “my house belongs to the Bob cat now” he sighed

“come in” I laugh and he happily came in so I shut and locked the door “have you had dinner? or did the bob cat get your dinner too?” I laugh

“the he got it” he sighs so I giggle serving the now done dinner and giving him half 

“here, you can stay tonight, I’ll take the cat trap I made over tomorrow morning” I laugh eating some dinner “I’ll fix you up after dinner” i tell him tapping his hand and he smiled at me taking me hand tightly once we had finished up dinner I bandaged his little ingures up and giving him some pain killers and went sitting on my bed in my little nightie reading my book whitey slipped off his shirts sitting beside me in the bed and cuddling me closely “why are you so cuddly?” I laugh

“I dont know, maybe its you being beautiful, maybe its the pain killers” he laughs

“it’s the pain killers whitey” I laugh

“Ummm I love you” he smiles

“no you don’t its just the pain killers whitey, there making you all giggly” I laugh “what’s in theres anyway?” I ask grabbing the bottle “Cocaine, Heroin, sativa, Eww water plants” I read “you’ll be fine it will wear off in a hour” I tell him 

“Your very sexy when your being smart” he giggles 

“Oh am I?” I laugh “you’ve not told me that before” I laugh

“snuggle” he giggles holding me closer to him 

“aww you get so cuddly when your on these things, I might keep you on them” I laugh

“Ummm snuggly y/n” he smirks pulling me closer and I felt it 

“WHOA! Whitey!” I yell moving away from him

“what? what did I do?”he asked

“your-” I begin looking down

“Ohh...can I blame that on the pain killers?” he asked

“No” I laugh

“fuck!” he sighs “well...I uh...I don’t know what do to now” he sighs

“relax whitey, i get it your a guy hormones and stuff I get it” I giggle

“Okay....Y/n can I ask you something?” he asks

“course whitey” I smile

“what are the hidden inventions under your bed?” he smirked

“there arnt any under my bed” I giggle 

“really?” he smirked ducking under my bed “Whoa! what the hell are these?” he smirked

“nothing” I giggle

“come on tell me” he laughs 

“there sex toys” I explain

“you made a sex toy? does it work?” he asks

“yes” I giggle 

“but why did you make two?” he asks

“well” I giggle putting my book down and sitting on his lap shuffling down him so I sat over his thighs getting one of them and smirking at him undoing his pants

“Y/n, I’m not sure about this” he says a little scared

“it’s okay whitey, if you dont want to-” I begin

“No no it’s not that, I want to believe me, its just I know what your inventions are like for....going wrong” he explains 

“Hey!” i complain “trust me I use these everyday, they work” I giggle

“everyday?” he smirks “you dirty girl” he smirks as I give him a little kiss pulling his pants down far enough for his cock to jump free hitting him in the stomach I sat shocked for a moment surprised by his size

“Umm whitey, so thats what you’ve been hiding all these years” I giggle UN plugging the decided and setting it up on him he looked both excited and scared “Relax it’s not like it’s going to cut your dick off” I laugh

“It might” he laughs as I plug it in again and turn it on “Uhhhh FUCK ME! I take it back! I take it back this is so good” he moans his head hitting the pillow his hands gripping my bed sheet tightly his eyes rolling back in pleasure until his hand moved to turn it off “fuck...it feels so good, I’m sorry I doubted you” he smirks

“its fine whitey, you can keep using it if you want too” I giggle

“I will, but...where’s your’s?” he smirks so I grab the other one and hand it to him laying in the other side of the bed “Okay your gonna have to explain this to me” he asks

“its easy whitey, first pull that bit up” I tell him and he does “Now...just keep going forward till i tell you stop” I giggle and he looks very scared slowly doing as Ive asked him “Uhhh Whitey!” I Moan 

“should I stop?” he asks

“No keep going” I giggle “okay stop” I giggle “then put that down and clip the clips on the sides to the bed sheet” I explain and he does that so I pull him closer giving him a sweet kiss as we kiss his hand moved to the little switch on mine turning it on “UHHH WHITEY!” I moan

“Holy shit! it actually fucks you...” he says in suprise

“what did you think it would do?” I laugh

“i dont know” he laughs turning it off again making me groan in annoyance “how about...I’m in charge of your little machine, and you get mine” he smirks so I giggle moving my hand to his and 

“three, two one” we both giggle both of us turning them on at the same time 

“UHHH Y/N!” he screams

“Uhhh Whitey!” I scream

“Ummm Baby baby please stop it...its too good!”he moans and I just giggle shaking my head 

“Your just not used to it” I giggle betwen my breaths “have you not been giving him much attention whitey” i giggle

“Not lately” he smirks “haven’t had too...just imagine you is normally enough” he smirks

“me doing what?” I giggle

“pretty much this actually Y/n” he maons so I giggle moving his hand still ridgit on my machine moving his hand alittle down “OHhh theres another speed” he smirks quickly turning it on high

“UHHHHHH WHTIEY! UHH WHITEY PLEASE PLEASE!” I scream

“Ummm Y/n I’m close baby” He moans

“ohh are you” I giggle turning his up to high too

“UHHHHH Y/N Y/N Y/N UHH Y/N MY DARLING UHHH!” I screams as he came so I quickly turned it off taking it off him letting him pump himself trying to elongate his climax it made me giggle seeing my lose control like that only one world could decribe how he looks right now...Orgasmic, “come on baby why wont you cum” he smirks kissing me 

“I’m close whitey” I groan 

“Lets just see how close you are?” he smirks turning off my toy and pushing his fingers inside me and that was it I came squirting a little on my bed roughly pulling him to kiss me as I orgasmed till I began to fall from my high and he removed his fingers “you where close” he smirked laying beside me both of us sweaty and exhausted “you need to like pattern them y/n, make a lot of money out of them” he smirks 

“Maybe” I giggle putting the toys away and laying my head on his chest cuddling him closely “but for now, we can keep it our little secret” I giggle “our little play things” I smirk

“no need, you are my little play thing my darling” he smirks holding me close to him “when did you make them anyway?” he laughs

“well I made mine a year ago, been using it ever since, I started work on yours when we started dating only finished it yesterday” I laugh

“you hadn't even tested it yet! and you just put it on me like you knew it would work! I could have lost my dick y/n” he yells

“did you?” I giggle

“No” he sighs

“see so stop complaining” I laugh “you liked it didn't you?” I giggle

“Of course I did, can’t wait to really have you doing that to me” he smirks

“one day whitey, if your good” I giggle giving him a kiss “Night night” I smile snuggling on his chest

“Night” he smiles giving my head a kiss 

WHITEY’S POV:

y/n had been asleep for a while now, she was so peaceful laid on me i was kinda half asleep awake enough to think but asleep enough to not move till I heard gun shots from down in town so I carefully moved y/n’s arm from around me and her head off my chest laying my pillow there instead and she happily snuggled there like nothing had changed so I quickly got my pants on properly as more gun shots fired only putting one shirt on I dont have time for two grabbing my guns giving y/n a little kiss before rushing out down into the town as many men rode around firing and trying to grab ladies “where the hell have you been whitey?” the sheriff asked as he tried to fire missing completely 

“Long story” I tell him trying to shoot too not doing to well they where too fast I moved to stand in the road trying to shoot but I ran out of bullets “Ohh fuck” I sigh but suddenly y/n stood beside me in her nightie with a huge gun she had clearly messed with it firing like five shells a second taking them down and the others run off “what the hell is that?” I ask her

“super gun, takes shells direly from this wired set, if your holding the trigger it keeps firing” she explains 

“I love you” I laugh pulling her by her waist to kiss me she happily kissed back

“i love you too” she giggles before the gun began firing again making us pull away after a few little ties she made it shot “sorry” she said to everyone who she just gave a heart attack too in town

#whitey #whitey winn #whitey imagine #whitey smut #whitey fanfic #whitey winn imagine #whitey winn smut #godless whitey winn #whitey winn imagines #godless whitey smut #godless #godless netflix #godless smut #godless imagine #godless netfilx smut #whitey winn smutty #TBS Imagine #tbs #tbs smut #tbs imagines #tbs spy #tbs smutty #sangster #thomas sangster #thomas brodie sangster #thomasbrodiesangster #thomas sangster imagine #tommy sangster #thomas sangster smut #thomas brodie sangster smut

[8circles]

i finally got to see the national live!!

so after 6 years of falling in love with the national, i finally got to see them live yesterday!! this is gonna be super long lmao

since the national never come to my home country during tour, when they announced their tour i booked the tickets without even knowing whether i was returning to manchester or even the uk. so when i got my offer to return i was relieved af lmao. a once in a lifetime opportunity was worth the risk and anxious waiting LOL

anyway

seeing them live was like a whole new world for me. when bryce came out to perform with the opening act (who were very good!) i was so overwhelmed. this guy, part of the band i love so much, was right in front of my face!

(like literally, cause i ran in after getting my merch and managed to snag a place right at the barrier!)

ive watched tonnes of their live performances on video, but nothing prepared me for how great they were. since bryce was right in front of me i ended up paying most attention to him.. but then when hed play the piano aaron took his place and id end up paying attention to aaron... sorry matt, scott and bryan!!!!

of course matt is such a character that hed command your attention some way or another. i did make myself look at scott and bryan at points in time bc i love all of them! i found it super cute how scott and bryan (and at one point bryce) would hold like a shaker instrument and use it when theyre not playing their own instrument. its like theyre always gonna be involved somehow lmao.

at the beginning it felt a little detached compared to the bastille show i went to last year. but i dont blame them or think its bad, cause at bastille’s dan would stand close to the stage while matt prefers to hang about with the band. its just two different performers. it kind of made me think that i was watching the national perform in their own world.. until matt stopped midway through empire line and asked security to help someone.

at that point it kind of hit me that wow, actually we're in the same space! like im not actually watching them in their own world, like im there too! and theyre not in their own space either, theyre watching us too! and of course, how nice of matt to stop because someone wasnt okay 😭 he started all over again once he made sure they were okay. by the end he said "just some problems with dehydration. stay cool!"

and he threw a plastic pint across the theatre and i got some white wine on me. LOL. at another point he threw a red solo cup so hard i think it hit the opposite wall cause there was a super loud sound. then he went on to say "...one day..." during the last song he brought out a bottle of white wine or prosecco on stage but said he said couldn’t open it because it was corked and it was hard to open those on stage with his teeth(!!!) he asked for another bottle and smashed the corked one on the ground. i love drunk matt so much.

bryce is so interesting to watch tbh. he keeps changing guitars lmao. i got so excited every time he brought out the blue one, bc i had a super clear view of his bow hanging from his mic stand and i was like "vanderlyle?????"

in the end they didnt play it, but no matter! they played so many good songs that i cant complain. my jaw hit the floor when they played hard to find cause i wasnt expecting that at all! i kept saying "oh my god" when i heard the chords lmao. it was so beautiful. i remembered the interview where one of the twins said they think hard to find is one of the most beautiful songs theyve ever written. i felt so honoured that i could listen to it live! they also played this is the last time - my favourite off twfm! i think a lot of people in the theatre love that song too! we were all shouting “it takes a lot of pain to pick me up” together. 

of course they played standard classics too. it felt so good to sing along to bloodbuzz and i need my girl. i kind of expected they were gonna play england since it was their first show in england for this tour so when aaron started playing the chords i was super happy. mr november was the best in terms of crowd involvement, you could hear everyone shouting I WONT FUCK US OVER together. conversation 16, too.. everyone screaming "CAUSE IIIIMM EEEVILLLL" was so much fun. slow show and apartment story were so great live as well. singing “SO WORRY NOT ALL THINGS ARE WELL” was so wonderful. during fake empire the twins did the guitar thing as they always do. i was so happy! 

tbh when i was there i mostly felt out of place since most of the people there were white hipsters and they came with their friends/partners so i barely talked to anyone, but singing all the classics live made me forget all of that awkwardness.

the new album was good live too. carin at the liquor store is my fave off the album and it sounded so beautiful live. matt went one octave higher during turtleneck and he sounded so clear. i was actually so surprised at how clear and almost rasp-free he sounded! we shouted “great uncle valentine jester” during day i die, it was so great!  they dedicated apartment story and born to beg to a lady who took care of them while they were in manchester. the opening act luluc came out and sang with them during born to beg. it was beautiful and perfect! ive been falling in love more and more with born to beg with each listen, and the live performance really sealed the deal with how much i love it.

terrible love was the last song off the setlist and it’s my first favourite song from the national so listening to it live was like coming full circle of some sort. during that song (and mr. november) matt went out and leaned over the barriers so that people could reach out and hug him. during terrible love he was super close to me, but i was too scared to touch him cause so many people were clinging onto him already but he was literally right there! he also stood at the edge pretending to fall from the other side. a member of the audience hugged his knees to stop him from falling!

bryce kind of smiled at my general direction at one point when he was setting up his guitar. the girl next to me blew kisses at him, i wish i did or said something too, but honestly i just stood there and melted into a puddle. during fake empire bryce went to play the piano so aaron was on my side of the stage and he waved at my general direction when they finished. a double whammy! matt came over to our side of the stage during turtleneck and screamed the chorus at us. it was so surreal. waiting for two hours outside in the cold and rain was definitely worth the place right in the front.

of course i have a soft spot for the twins, so seeing them live was the best part of my night. bryce (and at some points aaron) being in front of me was a dream come true. it’s no doubt that bryce is fantastic at guitar, but hearing him live and actually picking up the way he plays with my own ears was really something else. not only his playing, but also how he was using all the different guitars and using the mics on them and all the different pedals - it was all like a work of genius. i didn’t really get to see aaron’s artistry since his stuff was on the opposite side of the stage and he played more piano (which was on his side of the stage) but i could clearly see him playing when matt stepped back and let the twins perform guitar together. i caught him smirking at bryce on multiple occasions. i ascended each time. 

it was obvious that bryce was the more shimmery, flashy player when it came to guitar, so i tried to distinguish their styles of piano too! maybe it’s just me, but i think aaron has a deeper sound and bryce has a sharper sound! maybe that’s why they take turns for specific songs. regardless, they were so great, playing together and separately. i admire them greatly since they have so many projects and interests and even though their musical interests differ, they end up intertwining. seeing them live really showed that tbh!

it was the best night of my life. i wish i could be going to today’s show as well, but unfortunately i don’t have the money for that! anyway, everything ive always dreamed of already came true when i managed to stand right in the front and watch the national in all their glory perform live. i never expected to be right in the front - literally at the barrier - but i was! and it was worth the two hour wait in the cold without any food (this was my fault for forgetting to eat before coming, but it was worth it tbh!). hopefully i’ll be able to go for another concert if possible because that was probably the best experience ive ever had.

#this is who you follow #this is so long lmao but honestly i could write even more #my first the national concert and it was the best night of my life honestly #i never thought i could ever listen to them live but now i have and it's a dream come true #im sorry if this ends up in any tags due to the tumblr search system! #sorry if youre on mobile bc this is ridiculously long

[bubblywimp-blog]

22 July-An Idea of What’s going on in my life

Okay! so i’ve decided to write until i get a response from you guys..or until i get bored.

okay so, it’s been a month since school started..me and Iomhara have been coping well..adjusting to the lamos in our class..well..we arent really adjusting, when the school started me and she used to practise maths sums and study….mostly because of the classes we both had..my teacher gives us a hell of a homework and the math’s one makes really hard tests..my parents take tution tests seriously so i need to study..study hard!

Flashback

Ugh! i am early again!..now i have to wait for some time until someone i know shows up..

A guy entered the door..his name is shaan..a weirdo..his gang was once playing truth or dare and i heard my name being called over..i looked in his direction and saw him pointing at me saying “this is Lara..there the one whose doodling.” and his other friend looking at me..hell that was awkward cause i caught them looking and talking about me and since they were playing truth or dare the were probably talking something like-She’s cute,i’ve a crush on her, given a chance i would go out with her..blah blah blah. not saying that i am THE CHICK but i know they were talking about this stuff cause they were embarrassed when the saw me looking, me being the generous human i am just looked their way for a minute or two and then started doddling again.

so after that incident it was awkward with them..

now its fine..i’ll come to them later

the thing now is he is the second person that enters this god damn classroom after me..its irritating because we just sit there in a really awkward silence.

I was feeling a bit nauseous so i decided to open the windows thats when i noticed the the blue team’s(this team has a real name that is a more reasonable one but can’t disclose it) senior football selections were taking place today..and fuck! thats where he was..shining like literally shining..man he was the first one i put my eyes on like aww..he is just so cute well not cute he is hot af!..we’ll name him footballer. there was also this dashing new head boy he is a goody two shoes..tani had a crush on him in 8th grade for only 6 months that is..he is incredibly cute! like the dream boyfriend..the good one the one who is sweeter than the whole honeydukes together(Harry Potter reference!)..and humble,genreous,gentle, he is every good adjective in the dictionary.but not my type.now guess what?..this guy we’ll call him Lost Teddy Bear(LTB for short - cause he sure looks like one-but in a cuter way),so LTB thought i had a crush on him cause i used to lookout for tani and  he well sometimes..okay! i’ll be honest..many times caught me saying ‘he’s there’,’look he’s coming this way’ and all this shit!

and then he started noticing and ignoring our group..i was doing the same.eventually tani got over him,i told you she is never the commitment type..kine of me but more bold i will get bored if :

i find someone new

something bad happens like he tells me to stop,he has a hardcore crush on someone,etc

or he starts looking ugly

i stop seeing him

gradually i loose interest.

btw that Nilay guy did the pineapple cut..if thats what its called..he looks so weird and i dont like it so interest meter a bit low..

now this teddy bear was also trialing..how many things can you even do eh?..like you are the head boy,so automatically you would be good in academics,you play football,you are the guy most girls would want to date..i can tell that..girls are always trying to flirt with him. the next thing that would happen is i would see him dancing and singing in two voices..like literally are you a super being or something??..plus he has read almost each and every famous book series

The Hunger Games,Maze Runner,Harry Potter,Percy Jackson,and what not

i know this much about him cause well 1.he is famous and 2.his best friend is in my class or was in my class he and GQ were really good friends and this guy had a crush on me,hell! he even waited for me..he waited for 3 years proposed 3 times like boy! i dont like you romantically! sorry but i have frien zoned you! and there is no bloddy thing in this bloddy world that can undo the effect! this guiy you know was really good..sweet and totally into me but no! me being the most stupidest human bring on the planet i friend zoned him!..the thing with me is -i dont like people who like me i want people that have no interest in me,most of the time it is like that.I had literally friend zone each and every datable guy in my class..so back to teddy bear and this teddy is in 12th grade now

so they were trialling..alot of people were there..

now back to my pretty footballer!!..my first reaction when i saw him was fuck

i mean how can someone be that hot!!

and why the hell am i writing in italics..better turn it off...its getting creepy..okay so yeah done..

i was drooling over my babe(technically he is not mine,doesnt even know i exist..) when Arya entered she is a fine gal. nice one to have a chat and talk about boys..well she is like did you see? so many guys are trialling!..and most of them are sooooo hooooot!!!

and i am like i cant see them i am lost in his beauty

“which one?” asked Arya

“the one with the red shirt” i said

“the one that blocked the ball right now?”

“yeah that one”

“he looks hot”

“do you know there is this guy in the green house..i saw him during one of those shitty house meetings..and he is just so cute!!!..and guess what! he is national level boxer and a state level football keeper!!..his personality is so awesome!..we’ll call him boxer” said Arya

“uh-huh nice one!..which grade is he in?” i asked

“11th grade i’ll take you to see him during recess” replied Arya

“righto!”

“hey do you wanna see this footballer guy face to face..they may be coming upstairs for changing!” proposed Arya

“of Course!”

so then we were waiting in the corridor which was filled with students..seniors,juniors,9th graders on the left corridor,11th graders etc on the right one..and then he entered..i swear he’s got abs...and he is so tall so cute..so awesome!..of course he did not notice me,of course he did not bother to turn and say sorry when his sweatfull body..if being more specific then- his shoulder brushed against mine..of course still he does not know that his smile makes my day..of  course he does not know that he is the reason me and Iomhara eat our lunch as fast as we can..ofcourse he wont come out when he is finished with his lunch..of course he wont bother..

i told my friends about this tani and aki said that i was being a low standard bitch who would fall for anyone fair and tall...but this is so not true,pratham is fair and fairly tall...i hate him.i hate him because he is a playboy.If Footballer is a playboy then i won’t be that crazy about him.

And well Iomhara was not that excited about him(this was when she had not seen him)..the same was with aura..the thing is if my friends,whenever i tell them about a guy and they don’t know him that is they have no idea of his appearance, they automatically lose interest. Plus Iomhara had a glimpse of him once and he appeared to her as FAT! like literally he has freakin’ hottie abs for heavens sake!..but then she came around and is like he is okay-okay..aura had the same opinion. but no! he is awesome i dunno what happens when i see him but the way he talks the way he smile the way he walks even though my friends say he is a bit lanky,i dont care!!..its been a month since i have been into him..! and now that i think of it,i shouldn’t waste time on people who don’t even know i exist..but then again he could know i exist,if i talk to him..but he does not even come out during lunch breaks..

anyway this aki has a crush just like mine..but this one he is  a bit different..lets call him Yan, so when i first saw him i was like “girl you deserve better”

and then aki is like i dunno i just feel something when i see him.

like literally! he is skinny, is not even that handsome!..he is even taken!!..i dont think so footballer is in a relationship.

Yan’s a 11th grader,his class is next to mine. so once he was passing by and is asked him his name,very innocently he said “Yan.”

i gotta admit that was kinda cute but still! he is a prefect!!!..anyway after a few days when i saw him again i had the urge to go and say hi so i did he even greeted back though it was with hesitation and Iomhara is like what did you just do,and i am like i wanted to say hi. A few days passed with hi’s and bye’s.Iomahara started doing it too but with a ‘bhaiya’ it means brother. she does this because she wants to make it clear that she is in no way interested in him,as for me i like to keep ‘em confused!..so this hesitation began to slip away and after that he was like ‘yeah i know these girls..so better be good and say hi’

Yesterday was the schools first academic council meeting those are the meeting in which you can complain loads about teachers and the school but no one does that cause the blame would come on you and well i was chosen along with a super smart guy of my class..he looks a bit like jerry from tom and jerry. we arrived a bit early and there was a bit of time left(or we can say our principal arrived a bit late-that bastard! always arrives late and i could not take a last round in the corridor to see my babe-not really my babe he is..)

when i arrived i saw that Yan was also there..our periodic test had just gotten over  and we were as  usual roaming the corridor when i saw Yan,Iomhara said hi to him and he returned it back but when i did,i dunno if it was the hustle bustle in the background or something but he did not notice me.. i felt kinda bad tbh..anyway during this council meeting i was hoping that footballer would represent his class but no! rather a guy who had his face shape showed up! no literally! first of all i am with all the people who just want to complain and then i need to put on my collar button see that my hair look neat and sit up straight because i am sitting in front of the principal,the vice principal,the coordinator and all the head teachers and then this footballer does not show up! anyway i told you before that Teddy Bear is the head boy so automatically he was in the meeting jotting down points next to the pretty head girl and he is so cute! a cutie literally that was the only entertainment for me! though i think he noticed me and then was like ‘this stalker girl! how can she be in this council! i dont think so  she is that good in her studies all she does is crack jokes with that girl group of hers’

and i can tell he and Yan both were dead surprised to see me there. well when my class teacher Eela told me that she had given my name for that i was too,cause i dont come sincere and studious on the first glance..atleast i dont think so i do..

anyway after all those stupid little complaints from people, a guy from 12th grade (the same year as teddy bear) came up he is the academic prefect and gave an awesome speech! like seriously dude you rock!..he was giving us tips on how to study for competitive exams.you know this guy he came 7th out of 5000 people! that too in a really tough exam! and he was keep saying that seniors should be more approachable,juniors should try to seek help from them and all i really liked this point-not with the academic meaning(know what i mean,if you don’t i make it simple for you-footballer is my senior!!!,,so i was thinking about him!) anyway the speech was so awesome! ..man so so so flattered i was!..

anyway his speech ended and then we were allowed to disperse,when i was going towards the exit and looking here and there i caught Yan’s eye and guess what? he smiled,i did not even say hi or make the first move! he genuinely smiled!!! god! if i am able to make friends with him maybe i can set things up for aki!!

and right now i am really irritated on teddy bear like seriously dude! just stop noticing me! i know you do! i feel the awkwardness!

after the meeting when we were dispersing,Iomhara and me were going down the stairs and i saw Teddy Bear talking with the head girl,they are always talking to each other..don’t tell anyone but i kinda ship them

and i can swear in front of the ministry of magic that i saw his eyes flick towards me and then back to he girl!..its bloddy awkward you know!

so thats pretty much and also the gorrila guy sid on which aura had a crush on..aura got over him! like i am so happy!!

and after sometime that animal got in a relationship with a  girl named Ifa. this sid guy is always irritated,irritated by anything..he can even be irritated if you breathe! i wont be surprised if he is irritated by his own breathing..its kind of funny to see him like that!..me and Iomhara like to irritate him! especially me !

So guys-actually i was planning to write on how my day went but i was practically writing this whole day,not this post but setting  up the account and all and i am pretty slow at things so yeah!..anyway this is pretty much about whats going on in my life right now..i will tell you about my summer vacations in a different posts,but for the time being lets keep it this much!

LaraAngel

[swearronchanel]

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER 6.07

AHHH OMG, I was out all day & Actually MISSED the NEW episode like wtfff?!!? it was TOrture!! & I literally had to delete twitter and Tumblr off my phone because the devil himself would’ve tempted me lmfao😭 I love spoilers but not when everyone has seen the episode but me! it’s okay though I had some rum chata to distract me lol, which is just rum and horchata which is the Hispanic version of Horlicks so, At least I was in the CtM Spirit 🙃

Anyway I’m finally getting to watch it so here we go ..

shit I’m so nervous and I haven’t pressed play

why is my heart beating so fast omg

i usually skip the intro but I’m legit not ready

PHYLLIS !! 💕

damn Vanessa already hinting at what’s to come

Baby Susan so precious omg!!

No lie one of the prettiest babies I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen lots of ugly babies and lots of cute babies, I’m qualified to judge.

“Courage and resilience will matter most of all” 😭😭ahh omg

My spirit animal and campion Phyllis deserves nothing but the best I’m not ready to see her hurt

SHELAGH GETTING EXAMINED 😭😭💕💕 MY HEART IS BURSTING & her belly is so big omg!

CRYING SHE STILL CANT BELIEVE ITS HAPPENING ME EITHER BBY 😭 like holy shit I’m still not over it.

But I’m going to binge series 6 with my mother when I’m home Saturday and can’t wait for her to watch because she wanted to see shelagh have a baby & also she doesn’t know what tf has happened 😭😭😂 it’s been a crazy series! She will be s h o o k

“I know I’m just not a very relaxed sort of person” SAME but BBY RELAX 😭💕

LOL I WOULDNT HAVE READ IT EITHER

That was a cute moment with Babs and Shelagh!! But still wish it was w/ Trixie though 🙁 also it didn’t seem like a “heart to heart”? was it supposed to or was I expecting too much

Aw Rhoda 💔

what a ignorant ass teacher though, I’ll  FIGHT HER REAL QUICK

BOY OR GIRL??? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW UGH WHAT IS BABY TURNER??!

ugh Shelagh and Patrick’s faces 😫 I hope they don’t feel guilty for having a baby

But also why does shelagh have to keep wearing the same things lol, I feel cheated of all the cute maternity looks she could’ve served instead

“Having to explain” poor Mrs Antoine UGH THAT MAKES ME SO ANGRY, THERE’S NOTHING TO BE EXPLAINED   I’m mixed, Hispanic and white not black and white but still my dad is tan & we’ve been places where people have given my parents the dirtiest looks and have heard a nasty comment or two & it BOILS MY BLOOD

Omg the Antoine boys are precious

TRIXIE 😍😍 my bby looks good!

PHYLLIS IN TROUSERS HELL YES

UM VALARIE CAN U NOT BE RACIST

I swear if she says anything more I’ll lose my shit

“No one can really choose who they fall in love with” BLESS U DEELS

Bless Phyllis for making sure those cubs don’t grow up to be as ignorant as their parents

“I surmise the puller of teeth is intended to admire it” SISTER MJ IS A GEM

LOL SISTER J WANTS HIM TO COME THROUGH

SISTER WINIFRED WITH ANOTHER PRICELESS FACE IM DEAD

A bassoon? Lmaoo what the actual fuck Tim

Oh it’s for girls ofc LOL give him a girlfriend already, I’d get such a kick out of it. & Patrick could make another dad joke and say like take a lesson from me I legit beat God over a woman’s heart

The Mullucks fam 😭

Patrick with Susan omg aww

Trixie looking like a b a b e I’m dead 😍

“You’ll look like you’re trying to hard” DELIA HAHA OMG SHE GETS LIKE ONE MIN OF SCREEN TIME BUT SHE ALWAYS HAS GOOD LINES

I need Trixie’s everything, no joke. HOW

But I’m dying my hair blonder this week don’t play

Ah my bby shelagh again 😍💕

I feel so sorry for Patrick like this wasn’t your fault

LMAO SISTER WINIFRED CANT CONCENTRATE IN COMPLINE  SHE IS ANNOYINGLY PRECIOUS

She’s scared to take her driving test aw 😂😂 same like I have my permit but I’m scared to fail the actual driving test

“Oh I have a soft spot for the Antoines” PHYLLIS TIENE UN GRAN COROZON 😭

Omg Mr and Mrs Antoine are so cute too, dios te bendiga 😰

Christopher being a flake wtf no me gusta

Sister W is in on the drama like Sister B was, am I right??

LMAO HER RUN

Prosthetics are so wild, my abuelo has a prosthetic leg and I was so interested when he first got it. But also I’m going to hell for being evil because I joke around way too much when he’s extra senile

“People call my kids hair frizzy, but I think it’s beautiful” MY HEART😭💔 literally my mom was the same with me. Defensive over my curls - even tho my hair is frizzy sometimes😭

The song though, took me a second to process but that’s my bby shelagh’s song ?? Ummm wut

lol sister Winifred hella late, let me guess this will make her want to drive?

this prosthetic place is so great wow omg

damn it Bernie

PHYLLIS LOVES THIS FAMILY AND I LOVE THEM ALL OMG 😭😭

GET THE RUM ! or I will lol

ah never mind

LOL SISTER W AGAIN & PHYLLIS SHAKING HER HEAD

the question is, does/has sister Winifred drink/drank ? she seems like a light weight

fuck is this when it’s gonna happen

I’M NOT READY DAMN IT

damn Bernie..

UGH MY HEART IS RACING IM SO ANXIOUS AND SCARED AHJXKWLXM

HOLY SHIT OMGGGG

THAT WAS SO HARD AHH OMGG

IM FUCKING SCREAMING

Phyllis is in shock o h m y g o d

I can’t process this either

OMG I CANT DEAL

PHYLLIS IS SOBBING, IM SOBBING WTFFFF OMGG 😭😰😰😰💔💔💔

MY FUCKING HEART

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OMG

AW SISTER W ASWELL UGH WTF I SHOULDNT FEEL SO MUCH

LMAO OMG THANK U FOR COMIC RELIF

TIM SUCKS LMAO stick to the damn piano boy

PATRICK AND SHELAGH GIGGLING OMG MY HEART IS OKAY NOW 😭😭💕💕

SHELAGH AND PATRICK BEING SO CUTE IM CRYING

DAMN THALIDOMIDE

DAMN THAT CAR UGH  

DAMN IT ALL

LOW FUCKING BLOW BERNIE THAT WAS NOT HER FAULT

BABS TRYING TO COMFORT PHYLLIS  IM CRYING AGAIN

SHE IS SO HURT, I AM SO HURT, IM A BLOODY MESS OF TEARS. IM SOBER AND SAD NOW & THERE’S MASCARA In MY CONTACT LENS & MY 3yr OLD GREMLIN LITTLE COUSIN IS KICKING ME (lol he’s laying next to me)

AND CARRIE CRYING NOW OMGGG NO LENNY WONT DIE STOP

“That lovely gp of yours” lol does everyone have a crush on Dr Turner but me? Lol don’t come @ me pls I’m sorry I know people love him 😭😭 Im here for Christopher and Tom But He is handsome, just in an older man way Lmaoo guess it’s cause he could be my dad 😂 lol he’s older than my dad

I’d take him as a sugar daddy real quick though. I need my tuition paid and he is so sweet😏 😭😂

So it was a scarf, hmm I thought trixie was gonna find like stockings or something

“Not Hermès but something very like it” lol how does Trixie know what Hermès feels like on a nurses salary?

Valarie is on my nerves & she’s had like 2 mins of screen time Lmaoo I’ve liked her until this episode. I hope they don’t ruin her for me

“But I’m a member of the institute of advanced motorists”  UGH PHYLLIS IS A GEM WHO DOES NOT DESERVE THIS !! SHE IS THERE FOR EVERYONE ALWAYS, SHE ALWAYS DOES GOOD WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN TO HER?

Aw Sister Winifred

Oh Rhoda 💔💔she’s such a great mother

MY HEART, THEY WERE WALKING AWAY FROM BEING TEASED

BLAME THE RACISTS, IT IS ALWAYS A VALID BLAME

YES PHYLLIS IS A GOOD WOMAN! 😭😭

Tom trying to comfort Phyllis😭😭

“You’re fond of your meat, and our views on God and His existence are divergent to say the least, but we both follow vocations…. so if you caused harm to someone else, even inadvertently would it not make you question what everything in your life has come to stand for?” I’m c r y i n g

“I, a rational woman, have no one to question but myself” 😭💔

IM REALLY HURT

“Sometimes cheering people on the sidelines doesn’t help”

my bby killing it 😍

Why you being a flake Christopher? go ahead man tell her about your kid

BRUH YOU DONT TELL HER LIKE THAT LMAO

he’s divorced ah, thought it was out of wedlock. I don’t care though haha

NO DRINKS FOR TRIXIE, TELL HIM BBY.. in your own time of course 💕

BABY SUSAN SO PRECIOUS

Fred brought her car ugh And Phyllis is still so hurt as am I 💔

This lady is so sweet! I hope she and Rhoda become friends right now

DID SHE TAKE DISTIVAL TOO?

lol wait where are the Turners I miss them??

“.. and the words ‘Nonnatus house this is not a midwife speaking’ are most unlikely to reassure the caller” SISTER MJ!

YES SHE DID OMG. I need them to be best friends omg 💔😭

“Nothing was said, nothing was done” 💔💔

PHYLLIS LOOKING AT THE CAR

SISTER MJ IS GOING WITH HER MY HEART OMG

my heart my heart

aw the mullucks'😭 ofc IT WASNT YOUR FAULT!

SISTER MJ IS A GEM 💕😭 & PHYLLIS IS JUMPING BACK IN

TWO GEMS 😭💕 but also if this was the birth they meant that sister MJ was involved in ill be lowkey sad, but we shall see next week if she’s randomly with Shelagh when she delivers

Trixie serving more looks 😍

Aw my bby 💔does she tell him about her alcoholism at the end of this ?

Also what are we guessing about Valarie rn?? she has a secret? tragic backstory to be unlocked? what ? She gay?

Aw the mulluks’s again! All so sweet💕 & YES LYDIA BE FRIENDS

ugh Christopher looks good af😍 and that car yes

YES TRIXIE 😍 my girl looking good as well

SHE TOLD HIM 😭 IM CRYING IM SO PROUD 😭😭💕💕WHY DO I FEEL SO PROUD FOR A FICTIONAL CHARACTER??! I love her

Oh shit Patsy’s dad is dead. I assumed that was coming

Phyllis reassuring Delia awww

PHYLLIS BACK AT THE CUBS 😭 MY CHAMPION AND SPIRIT ANIMAL BOUNCING BACK

Lenny’s speech omg brb crying

The support group for thalidomide victims omg my heart

I was cryin before and now I’m crying more for this Irish lady

Omg side side side note there was this cute old interracial couple that seem like my parents in 20yrs in JFK yesterday that were so precious and sweet and we’re talking to me the whole time waiting at the gate & then there was this sweet Irish couple who were confused about the time difference and I helped them out and then when we landed they helped me out looking for my bag so now I have much more faith in humanity because usually the people in NYC airports are angry new yorkers who don’t care lol like me (jk)

“There’s no rule of life so simple or so true ..” 😭😢💔💖

Thank u Vanessa I’m so emotional, show me next week 

Bonus: next week

OMG PHYLLIS HUGGING SHELAGH OMGGG. I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED TO SEE THIS

PHYLLIS BETTER DELIVER THE BABY I KNOW I WANTED TRIXIE BUT IT DOESNT SEEN LIKELY AND SO INEED PHYLLIS (sister J too ofc?! She was barely in this past episode)

MY BBY SHELAGH’S TUMMY IS SO BIG IN HER UNIFORM OMG SHE’S SO PRECIOUS I LOVE HER I MISSED HER THIS PAST EPISODE

BUT OH MY GOD BABY TURNER IS COMING HOLY SHIT THIS IS HAPPENING THIS IS NOT A DRILL

HERE COMES THE PILL READY OR NOT #LETSGETIT1962

Lol oh shoot I didn’t take mine yesterday or today brb

AW DELIA

WHAT IS SIGNIFICANT ABOUT BABS SLEEPING I NEED TO KNOW

Lol idk why but even though I like Tom and Babs their relationship just doesn’t do anything for me😂😂 like I don’t give a shit? They’re cute but idk it doesn’t cut it. Like they’re just there and I’m like “aw ok”

OMG I CANT WAIT WHAT WILL HAPPEN ?! I NEED ANSWERS

I will die next week. For real. 

#call the midwife #lets get it 1962 #masterpost #protect my bbys at all costs though #my commentaries™

[zsuuv139]

Long af, feel free to scroll

Cw for food and eating issues i guess

I feel like im in a wtf place, when it comes to food. All my childhood i'd been eating anything that was on my plate and asked for seconds, then snuck out in the kitchen when everyone was sleeping for more. I dont remember it, but legend has it that my grandparents were praising my cousin and how much she ate - and one day i ate 8 hotdogs to be the kid who'd eaten more.

And to this day i feel like i have to eat everything, the whole portion i prepare, the whole box i brought from home, the whole pack of snacks. Even if i know it is not good for me. I feel like im some vacuum cleaner for food. (of course i have to tell you, that i have my tastes and am really not open to new food. Also the foods i like are these "hyperpalatable" things, like fried chicken)

I dont want to blame anyone for eating patterns or anything, considering im an adult and should take control over...my life, i guess; so i'm only left with the difficulty of it all. Shopping by a list doesnt do much, when i live two minutes away from a kfc and a non stop store. The only thing that could, in theory, stop me is money.

I need to create habits, to recommit to things each minute, i guess, and i find it all to be really damn hard. I have a dream life planned, and no idea how to get there. I feel like until i do not hate my body, i will not have the motivation to commit and lose all the fat i should. But i dont want to hate my body, in fact, each time i started a diet and got to a pont that i was looking at myself in the mirror with anger or hate, i just stopped.

I do not want my body to be a source of stress, even if it isnt how societal beauty standards would ask it to be, it is really strong, and it is amazing, and hating it would be perfectly unjustified, it would be hypocrysy.

How could i expect someone to be there for me, help me through a lot of problems, and then turn at them and hate them for not fitting to a standard i myself reject?!

So thats my problem. I need baby steps, maybe, but also some parent to teach me to walk, or some goal, but not too far. I think its getting bad again

[sherlockedmindblown-blog]

THEFINALPROBLEM

‪Im angry for all those who see things which arent there..So i have to write it this way, 140 letters its not enough..its called FRIENDSHIP,not ur fantasy.. I have gay friends and i love them, I am all for LGBT rights,marriages,adoptions and everything so dont try make me a homophobe..Dont be so feisty and offensive..I am a huge fan of tv shows, i saw more than 200 shows, now i activly watching over 100 through the year, so I am bot specialist, but I have my opinion and kind of huge base to build on, cause i saw a lot..And i am also a shipper, so I get that..But the whole team who make #Sherlock (and they are doing some pretty pretty good and brilliant job) they cant make every shipper happy..And I know the world is trying ti change and be open and welcoming to gay people, and its right that way, cause we are all same...But u have to keep your reason and logic and whole thinking together..At first with your attitude they will didnt care about us and there will be no other season, and maybe for all u showing it would be deserved cause u are ungratefull and mean..Sorry u can ripped ne apart but I stand by my opinion and I will give you arguments why..Maybe some of you will understand..‬ ‪In every show u always find ur favorite, and ur shipping..And sometimes it happens and sometimes dont..I get it that u imagine yourswlf on Sherlocka or John place or imagine them as a dreamy oerfect couple which u want to live someday with someone in ur future..They change a lot and make a SPECTACULAR SHOW from old classic..But u want too much and u see things which are clearly not there..There is line between friendship and love. Of course u or i imagine that we change oyr crush to gay or straight or whatever it doesnt matter..But there is clearly totally different story.Not because creators want to make you mad amd furious and filling internet with these crap and throwing a lots of shit on their brilliant work..‬ ‪U dont not anymore concentrate on story..TRY TO THINK..please just try it with me..‬ ‪If ur wish would be fullfill hiw it would looks like abd what would happen with Sherlock, with show we all love and worship???‬ ‪So imagine it with me: ‬ ‪Theyre on a case, so much intense drama like always, everything we love...And in the middle of that they would be holding hands and showing their love and pride to whole world, in this case to whole London...And they would kiss or cuddle in Sherlock chair, or go on a date or whatever John going out of Sherlocks bedroom making him breakfest in the morning..I get it and I dont blame u that u are shipping this and see u in some way at their place...If I will be honest to u, maybe it will help, I imagine myself worh Sherlock so i dont want him with Mollt, Adler or John, dont care about gender..But I am reasonable intelligent person and I dont excpected this happy end for me( i know Sherlock is not real person, i am not crazy..) and I am totally "in love" (we cam call it in love probably) with Benedict Cumberbatch (I wasnt since the beggining, i actually wondering for two years why is whole world so swoon by him..I didnt saw it..I was so blind and stupid, now i get it maybe too much) but it doesnt change anything about that i love the show and i am very excited for what creators bring us and if they hive us more(please we want moooore) and if they give u ur happy ending Sherlock&John=❤❤❤ The biggest world love..That would totally ruin the whole show. It would become a totally different show which would many of us dont wanna watch, not because we are antigay or homophobic or whatever bullshit u will tell me, but because it would be wrong..They would instead of solving case solving they partership and problems in theirs relationship from why didnt u take out garbage to why did u cheated on me..So it would become a show about gay guys living in London splving specially their relationship because its aleays like that when partners work together..And usually they dont solve cases like that and dont get inti situation nearly close to this...So i u want Sherlock (if it ever will be another season, its in stars, but i believe in creators team that they dont ruin my hopes) to become a cheap like some german romantic movue from Rosamunde Pilcher, when u see those films u know it from first shoot, and u also now the whole story, keep preasure and hating what they done, all this amazing job...‬ ‪I would maybe shipping it two in different tv show, if it would be real...‬ ‪Its not my first rodeo, but in furst case I was sitting quitely and kept my mouth shout and my opinions to myself..‬ ‪But this time I am piss off cause u are all, touch ur conscience whi wrote what and where and hiw rude and disrespectfull to vreators u was, everyone one of u by yourself...Because they deserve so much better from us, our fandom, theyre doing it cause we love it so much. But we habe to be normal and think about whole thing ot only that part and gay happy end u want. It would make a joke from the whole show, because theyre both clearly elsewhere than u want them..John was dating, get married, had a baby, almost had an affair and its not still enough. I can almost hear u all argumenting that he or both of them are hidding it cause it happens in real life..Yeah but not everytime.Sometimes its just two huys become friends and after some time family..Sherlock, u could maybe said that he is little confusing about his sexuality at the start, and theough whole shiw, but its not about he being secretly gay( he is so clever and logic and reasonable that he would know that about himself and he would worked it out like everything, with pure logic) he is dofferent in other way, with his emotions, rudness, always bored by usuall stuff and ordinary life and so much mite thing, which we love so much about him..And he goes through some changes in those four bloody good seasons..He find his only friend in Watson, friend for gid sake, not future lover..He find his soulmate but in dofferent way that all lovesexpassion thing..And it was change him, in nice and goid way. But u all wake up and stop with all that hate pointing to creators and whole team..Ur fir no reason, yes i dont see that as a reason to hate all about finale and bitching and wining about it, because its not like u want it..U should appreciate and love the masterpiece they all made and not by bad and angry and rude AF! ‬ ‪I wastalking about that I saw this before, ta kind of funny because it was with Hannibal, it was also such a brilluant show( i became a huge fan of Mads Mikkelsen so see them together with Benedict in Doctor Strange was kind if my happy moment, omething like u wish with Sherlock and John huge gay love story..U are finding things where theyre not..) and it was same but it was probably a lot smaller fandom than Sherlock has, it was probably why it was cancelled after 3 season, but i also hope they will come back cause theyre some serious talks about it, but its not important now, but there was a characters of Hannibal and Will, it would take sometime to explain whole show but in shortcut Hannibal is psychopathic serial killer who eats people and like to cook them very goid, like high chefs stuffs and Will is nit an usuall detective(am I the only one who sees the simillarity yet?) he has this thing he can imagine in his somekind of mind palace how was those people kill when he us on crime scene..And there are some serious creeepy shit, but the point is that Hannibal becomes somehiw obssesed by Will, but not in the way of love, again, how somebody saw it, but there happen a lots of stuff which lead to weird kid of friendship between two very extraordinary people, like saving lives, and helping to other one, even if theyre are enemies fro the begiininf, and they both have relationship with women, doesnt matter hiw disturb those relationshio are, there was no romantic line between who somebody wanna see..It would also ruin the show, it was about friendship, between two not normal at all person, that fragile thing which start after all what they done to each other or to everybody else.Ther was that beauty, and this is the same case..We love Sherlock and Johns FRIENDSHIP...We dont want to turn it in different show, it wouldnt be like all ur memes and fanfiction story cause if this would happen there will be no base for any of this, u would win and what about us? U feel somehow(dobt get it why and how un this case) discriminated by this, but what about us all? There is always so mamy different opinions and tastes, never can make everyone happy, but theyre the creators and its up to them how its gonna be in the end. If u where on their place U could change it but they have theirs vision and they are creating it using their own fantasy and brilliant minds, all those twists and everything..U can express ur opinion, wish or feelings but doung that through rudness and hatefull comments and tweets and complains to BBC? I think its too much...And u being ungratefull amd dissrespectfull to their hard job...And amazing fantastic results... ‬ ‪They all deserve ours DEEPEST BOWS AND THANKS for taking us to this amazing rollercoaster ride of drama and emotions and hard thinking and deductions..It was quite something..And I dont say it like that, it means something cause I saw so many shows, and I usually watch even those which are nit as fun and i dont enjoy them too much, cause i am trying to give it a chance cause sometimes its worth it. But in case if Sherlock (i was never fanof crimi and i was the type "i dont givea fucj whi did that and why"cause they put detective and "maincharacters" aside in every crimi and i dont like that. Maybe I become wiser😂😂 i do t think so highly about myself😂😂with aging..Or i jist change, my taste change...) it was for the first time when I didnt do anything else then sit and didnt move or even breath at every episode, i didnt go to kitchen and let it play cause every minute and word it can be important, i didnt even scroll through my Iphone cause I am type of person who do t concentrate very good and gets easilly disstracted, and I was completly drown into...‬ ‪Yesterday I was being mad because of the finale cause we are now changing an operator and we are without cable tv, and I have this problem...I live in Czech Republic, so u all whos complaining, u cant imagine what i would give to have that chance to saw it cinema..I was prepar to be mad since 21 at England, at my country is one hoyr difference so its 22..And wait fir somebody uploaded online somewhere( not so nice, but when isnt any other usefull choice) so i couldnt look nowhere to avoid saw just a frame...And it was my imagination of pute torture..Longest two hours..Maybe u will think i am posh or whatever butour czech tv channel called Ct2 airs it at the same time, asi in England(surprise, in other cases we ate here at season 2 meanwhile there is season 6) but they made i with czech dabing..AndI just cant..I love it on english, i waych everything in english cause i hate stupid dabing its just looks like two totally different shows, the voice and the picture...Amd i would not even mention theyre picking very weirdly, with consideration(in their case not consideration would be more accurate) of real voice of those actors...So it would be torture and I would have it all completely ruined. So I was upset but I think I can not do anything, so I have to deal with it(u should do that too by the way). And I go to my best friend house around 20:00 and I was there only with my Iphone complaining about my "cruel fate" and how much I wanna saw it, in the best case now! My friend is untouched by Sherlocks charm ( i was trying to explain during watching it but I failed) and he doesnt completely understand my obssesion, so he looked at my like I am crazy. But even so he was trying to be helpfull and I try Google to find Bbc to watch online, it was second link, it was working but I didnt want to get my hopes up, but it was actually working. It was pure happiness and joy. I was literally sitting on the floor, totally carried away, holding my Iphone in ky hands listening to every word, poor my friend even go try to hold the washingmachine so I could hear that, and even I was a visitor for shit, he let me watch it all, and do t throw me out or kill me, for what I am beyond thankfull to him...And i enjoyed to best finale, another brilliant mind blowing episode and i was like on cloud nine, my emotions all over...Today i was little bit sad because I dont want this to be the end, i want more, and sooner than later...But its not in my powers and I have to hope and even if this was iver really like over over I would never be like u to creators even if it would ve there deccisiin if this is the end. I dobt know if its by the anonymity of the internet or what, and i dont wanna start with thinking about where the world going? But u bullying creators I dont have any other word for this. When I dound out today(yes I am maybe stupid but I assumed qhen I was so swooned and touched and excitedx from this episode, that everybody else defenetly must have been too..) And this is actually the reason why I spend half night by writting thus very long essay because of tv show...But this is about mire than that? its about basic human decency, which u dont have at all..Ur all like we want gueer and gay stuff here and the world is mean and bad and u creators are i dont wanna know how u called them, i feel ashamed by u, cause I dont want they to think the all fandom is bunch of mean hatefull people..Ur doing opposite for what u LGBT stands fir, but I really dobt wanna statt with those things..But u wanna be taken like "normal"(its not the right world, we are all same and what is even "normal" in this world...but i think u get how I mean it) but specially by this u putting yourselfs in special group whose calling for special treatment and its angry because its not what happened, and its offensive and discriminated to your LGBT rights...Dibt u see that this doesnt make sense cause it goes against each other....And because of this u make this whole ugly situation..‬ ‪I know u will have million and one things to said to me, to offended me or whatever but actually I am grown enough to take it and make it. I wrote this all just to express my opinion and my admiration to whole team of creators...Because they deserve it.. ‬ ‪So if by any chance this essay of mine gets a hold of eyes someone from whole Sherlock team this end will be for you. ‬ ‪I wanna thank you, so much, for bringing Sherlock to us and give us those amazing moments, and so brilliant tv show that there is hardly a rival somewhere. And I know that its not job of one, but whole team, so I bow to all of you, with hope in my heart that there will be more. I have to admmited that I was never so swallowed up by tv show, to do things like that. But this time I just have to. ‬ ‪To Mark Gattis and Steven Moffat as writters I truly envy their clever minds to get it here. Someone says that its out of line or reality or whatever someone didnt get gay finale, but I think that those two know very well what their are doing and they made it perfectly...So this is my thanks for entertain me...‬ ‪And in the end I have to, all actors are brilliant Martin is awesome (i didt saw Hobbit, so I keep thinking where did i saw him before and in the end i found out and laugh to myself, but I will make it right and watch all three espisodes very soon, i promise..) and i love this chemistry(friends) between John and Sherlock, because when I will be honest I would be like John...Little bit..Even if I would rather be Sherlock of course, i an realistic..And i love Martins looks on his face, those faces he makes, and I admire John for his strong friendship after all Sherlock did to him, even not on purpose..And Martin makes it so real and so good, he is good at his job.. ‬ ‪I am actually one of those who dont miss Moriarty, cause it would became boring if behind everything would be everytime only him..I think he is alive during TheFinalProblem because those subbtitles with time period was little late...And I was in shock but also I was like hell no..But that twist save it very well..And Andrew makes him very cool evilish devilish maniac, so I kind of like him after all..His tick tock on that red video drived me crazy, and I wasnt even there with Euros. Sian Brooke amazed me, she was terryfying, crazy but in the end I was sorry for her...She nailed it..And Mark as Mycrofr when he offers himself insteqd of John, and all was pure perfection together..Nithing was missing, badass Mr.Hudson, and i love just love that Sherlock feels something...And there I am going to the end, I save the best for last. Cause I dont if I dont let myself little carried away... ‬ ‪Because what makes Sherlock Sherlock its huge talent and gift from God and thats Benedict Cumberbatch. I am not any profesional and I just saying what I think but he is the best actor who walks on Earth right now...I did some reaserch today and i cant help myself but he is amazing even when you just listen to his voice reading a poem or audiobook, he has something special and perfect. I bow infront of him, so deep how I could, and that woukdbr be enough, cause he will achive great things, and I am very glad that he didnt go to law school, cause hidding this talent in court room would be such a waste. I really admire all of his work, and I have to say it I just love him..Its not other possibility. And other word wouldnt catch it like saying this love stuff. But we all know how it is, dont we? I am fangirling!!! Very much and I enjoying doing it. But I give myself goal and also fullfill dream if its happen that I wanna go to London to Sherlocked Event and meet him in real, say something nice( I will maybe figure it out till October) and take a pic..I would be very nervous, very, I am nervous from imagine it, making all thise script in my head what I will mess up. But we will see if I make it. And if i will I will thank him in person fir Sherlock and everything else.. ‬ ‪And thats all...And IT IS WHAT IT IS...‬ ‪ Sherlock ‬

#sherlock