#its 8pm the night before the thing is due and no ones done fucking ANYTHING

[maria-akira]

good girls don't get used: michael langdon x fem! reader — PART 2

—♡—

READ PART 1 HERE

summary: michael langdon, your ex, falls into a bet wherein he needs to (fake) date you. if he falls inlove again, he loses, and doesn't get the prize.

warnings: making out, pre-smut???, michael as a tiktok fuckboy, + me not proofreading this hahah sorry

italicized bold words are direct lyrics from the song :)

please excuse any errors. enjoy!

—♡—

It had been a few hours since Y/N arrived at home. She changed into an oversized shirt and a comfy pair of shorts. To be honest, she has never tutored anyone before, except for her baby brother Aaron. With Aaron it was just 1+1 or 2x3, you know? The basics.

"Mom, someone's coming over tonight!" She called out from upstairs,

"Who will?"

Y/N didn't know what to say. Her parents knew about Michael, and how they broke up. She didn't want her mom to know that it was him who would be coming over. Why hide it? She'll see him anyways.

"Michael! Michael Langdon!" Y/N went downstairs to finally face her mom.

"Wait, your ex?"

"Yeah.."

Her mom laughed, "Oh my, looks like something's gonna happen~" She said in a sing-song tone while she prepared dinner.

Y/N rolled her eyes, "Oh my goood mom! That was 2 years ago, he just asked if I could tutor him. Apparently, he's failing."

"He's what? Failing? Isn't he one of the top students in your batch?"

"Yeah, I honestly don't know what happened to hi—"

Ding Dong!

Oh my god, She felt her heart beating fast.

Y/N walked to the front door and opened it, and there he was. Michael Langdon in his grey sweatpants and black hoodie.

"Hey, Y/N." Michael greeted, giving her a smile.

Y/N looked him up and down,

"Hi." She gave him a sarcastic look and stepped out of the way, gesturing him to come in.

Y/N's mom squealed, "Oh my, Michael! Look how you've grown!" She squeezed him into a hug and it made Michael laugh.

Aaron came down the stairs to see what the fuss was about. When he saw Michael, he rushed towards him and hugged his thigh.

"Michaeeeelll!! You're here!" Aaron giggled

Aaron loved Michael a lot. When Y/N and Michael were still together, he would always play with him.

"Hey, slugger! Now you've grown alot too, huh?" Michael kneeled down to his height and ruffled his hair, "Yup! I'm a big boy now." Aaron said proudly with his chin up.

Slugger. That was the nickname Michael gave him.

"Is Michael staying over?" Aaron pouted and gave her puppy eyes.

Y/N panicked. How was she gonna explain?

"Well, he actually came over to study for school, but he—"

"Of course I'll stay over! Anything for you, slugger." Michael cut her off. Y/N widened her eyes, making a 'what the fuck are you doing?!?!' expression at him.

Y/N faked a cough, "Aaron, go stay with mom okay? Michael and I will be studying now."

Aaron whined and crossed his arms. "But I wanna play with Michaaael!!"

"You'll do that later. After all, he said that he'll be staying over." She looked over to Michael and gave him a sarcastic smile.

—

After a few moments of arguing with Aaron, Y/N and Michael finally went upstairs. "Your room changed alot." Michael said as he looked around her room for the first time in 2 years. Once Y/N shut the door, she stormed over to Michael.

"Langdon what the fuck was that down there?!?! I only allowed you to come over, not stay over! Where will you even sleep?!"

"In a bed, duh."

Y/N slapped his forehead, causing Michael to wince at the pain.

"Are you that stupid?! Sleep on the fucking floor!" She hid her face in her hands out of frustration, then lifting her head again. "You know what? Fuck it. I don't care anymore."

—

"So if you move negative four here, what will you get?" Y/N asked, pointing her pencil on the equation. It's now 8PM, Michael and her were studying the last subject for the day, which was Math.

Michael analyzed the problem, then wrote down the answer. "Fifty.. three?" He slid the paper to her direction. While Y/N was checking his solution, he received a message from Duncan.

Dunc 🖕🏻: how's tutoring going?

Michael: its fine ig, lmao im staying over 😴

Dunc 🖕🏻: yooo what?? where you gonna sleep?

Michael: beside her? idk im still gonna play video games with her brother so i guess i'll sleep beside her 😶

Michael: brb shes done checking my solution

"Michael," She called for his attention, He let out a hum in response. "Your solution is correct.. But to avoid confusion, change this into an arrow instead of an equal sign, because it isn't the final answer yet." Y/N pointed out his mistake and circled it with a mechanical pencil.

Michael smiled. despite this 'trying to get her trust back' thing, he thought that Y/N was adorable like this. Focused with academics. He admired her alot.

Y/N looked over at Michael, "Langdon, are you even listening?" She snapped her fingers in attempt to catch Michael's attention.

Michael went back to reality, "Yeah. I get it now, thanks Y/N." Michael got his paper back and saw all the check marks. While Michael was distracted with his paper, Y/N stood up and streched. "They're all correct?" He looked up at her and asked in fake disbelief. Y/N rolled her eyes, "Duh, what are all the check marks for, dimwit?" She furrowed her eye brows and made her way to the door.

She glanced over at the clock beside her mirror, it was already 8:15 PM. "Hey, we have to go down for dinner now." She looked over to him and opened the door. Michael stood up and made his way to the door, stopping by the mirror, "Damn, I'm hot." Michael said as he praised his reflection in the mirror. When Y/N heard this, she furrowed her eyebrows and looked at him.

"Yeah sure, maybe in a different planet." She insulted, playfully hitting his arm.

"Oh c'mon Y/N, you miss me." Michael leaned on the wall with the support of his arm. Y/N shut the door.

"What makes you say that, Langdon?" She crossed her arms and leaned against the door.

"I've seen the way you look at me, baby. Admit it, you miss me, you wanna kiss me, you wanna be mine all over again."

"Don't hit me with your 'say you miss me, say you wanna kiss me.' shit, Langdon. I'm not that stupid," Y/N pulled on the neckline of Michael's hoodie, signalling him to come closer. Now, their faces were a few centimeters apart.

"Let's face the facts here, Langdon. Actually? you want me." She pulled him even closer, her lips ghosting over his. Michael moved closer in attempt to kiss her, yet to no avail. Y/N smirked and pushed him away. "You know, you're better than that." She gave him a little tap on the cheek and left the room, slamming the door in his face.

Michael was speechless. Y/N did change, a lot.

—

"So what brings you here, Michael?" Y/N's father asked, eating a slice of steak that was on his plate. "I'm currently failing some of my classes and I asked Y/N if she could help me. Luckily, she agreed." Michael looked over to Y/N and gave her a smile. She kicks him under the table, causing him to flinch.

"Will you be staying over, Michael? It's getting late." Y/N's mother asked this time, "If that would be okay with you, Mrs. Y/L/N." Michael replied, looking over to Y/N again.

Well, let's say that everyone looked at Y/N after Michael said that.

The silence made Y/N glance at them, "Why are you all looking at me..?" She said in a confused tone, her mom shot her a 'is it okay if he sleeps in your room' look. Y/N sighed, "Fine, he'll sleep in my room." Now, everyone went back to what they were doing.

After dinner, Y/N's mom called up Michael's parents to inform them that he would be staying for the night.

Y/N was washing the dishes tonight, and of course Michael volunteered to help her.

"Why did you even volunteer? You hate washing dishes, Langdon." She said as she cleaned a dirty plate with the soap filled sponge.

"Oh c'mon, Y/N. Can't I change?" He replied, rinsing one of the dishes that Y/N cleaned.

Y/N scoffed, "You? Change?"

Michael elbowed her side, "Hey, I did change!"

"Whatever." She went back to what she was doing cleaned the rest of the dishes, ignoring Michael's statement.

After a few more dishes, her hair started to slip away from the loose ponytail she made earlier. Her hands were slippery and full of soap, if she were to wash her hands and fix her hair, then go back to washing the dishes, her hands would be wet again. Plus, the drying towel was on Michael's side. So she asked for his help.

"Michael," Her voice was soft. Softer than usual. "Yea?" Michael replied, still rinsing the dishes.

"Can you please tie my hair up? It's slipping away."

"Hold on." Michael shook the water off his hands and dried it using the towel beside him, while Y/N turned her back over to his direction. Michael removed the hair tie and bit on it. He started gathering her hair from the top, combing his fingers through her soft, silky hair. He was very gentle. After he gathered her hair, he removed the hair tie from his teeth and tied her hair, careful not to tug too hard.

Y/N turned around to face him, "Hm, maybe you did change," Michael was curious when she paused. "Because you used to be so aggressive when you tied my hair." She joked and finished off the dishes that were left.

—

It's now 11 pm. Michael is in Aaron's room playing video games, and Y/N is alone in her room, doing some extra school work that was due for next week.

Like any other Friday night, girls like Y/N's age would be out partying like there was no tomorrow. After that one time she was really drunk and a guy touched her inappropriately, she never went out partying again.

Once Y/N finished her school work, she decided to take a shower. She wanted to take advantage of Michael's absence and stay in the shower longer than usual. Like a typical teenage girl, she would blast music in the shower, dancing and singing like she had a whole audience to perform for.

Y/N wrapped a towel around her body and left the bathroom to get her clothes from the dresser. Little did she know, Michael was back from her brother's room.

"I see you still have that body, huh?" Michael smirked and looked her up and down. Y/N turned around to see Michael on her bed. Her instincts told her to scream and throw an object at him, so she did.

"What the fuck are you doing here?!"

"Chill, it's not like you haven't sent me your nudes before." Michael dodged whatever she threw at him and laughed.

"Yea, and I regret sending those to your ugly ass. If I could turn back time, I would've sent them to your hot bestfriend, Duncan was it?" She turned around again to get her clothes from the dresser. Michael walked over to her and grabbed her neck from behind,

"What did you fucking say?" He growled in her ear. She smirked and bat her eyelashes innocently at him.

"I said, I would've sent them to Duncan. You should set me up with him, hm?" Y/N knew what she was doing, "Aww, is little Mikey getting jealous?" She mocked in fake sympathy. She removed his hand from her neck, turned around to face him and gave him a pout. 

Michael was furious. What has gotten into him? He doesn't even love her. He just fell into a stupid bet just to fuck some girl's pussy after he fucks with her ex's feelings. But why does he feel like this? Like he needs to have Y/N only for himself?

Before Y/N went back to the bathroom to get dressed, she just had to get on Michael’s nerves again, as if she wasn’t already. At this point, she could literally see fire in his eyes. He was really mad. But why?

"Look at you, Mikey. You can't respond when you react." She giggled and gave him a quick nose boop as the cherry on top for her little act. But she wasn't getting away so fast. When she turned her back on him, Michael aggresively wrapped his hand around her neck and pulled her, securing an arm around her waist.

"Where do you think you're going, you little shit? You aren't getting away easily after that stunt." The grip on Y/N's throat slowly tightened. "W-Wh... Why are you so mah-d.. Huh?" She managed to choke out.

Michael left soft kisses against her neck, while slowly loosening the grip on her throat. "See, Mikey? You're the one who misses me." Y/N whimpered, using her free hand to pull on Michael's hair in hopes of prying him off, but he was stubborn. Y/N whispered in his ear, "Whatever it is you're trying to do, Langdon, I'll never give in." She pushed her elbow into his ribs, causing Michael to groan. Finally, Y/N goes back to her bathroom to get dressed.

Once she leaves, Michael punches the nearest wall in frustration. He hated rejection. The girls that he usually fucked with never turned him down, they always wanted more. Why wouldn't it work on Y/N?

Michael sat on the long side of her bed, still thinking about what happened earlier. He couldn't believe that she could play with him like that. It made him look like he was the desperate one, which he is.

He took out his phone to text Duncan about what happened.

Michael: yo dunc, something happened

Dunc 🖕🏻: what happened? slr i'm at a party

Michael: bro she's a tough little shit. i did the usual thing that i would do to another girl, she didn't give in at all. instead, she's playing with me.

Dunc 🖕🏻: lmao man step up your game, she isn't your usual girl

Michael: dumbass you think i'm not?

Dunc 🖕🏻: duh??? if you were actually stepping up your game then you would've fucked her there and then 🙄

Michael: whatever.

Once he heard her bathroom door open, he immediately hid his phone back in his pocket. He looked over his shoulder to see Y/N already dressed in her pajamas. Michael didn't know what to do. His angelic side says to 'go and say sorry', yet his devilish side says to 'try harder and fuck with her feelings even more.' Of course, it was obvious what is choice was.

Y/N plopped herself on the bed and grabbed her blanket that was near Michael. She then placed the blanket over her and locked eyes with him.

Michael crawled beside her and placed the blanket over him as well. They are a few inches apart. Y/N turned the TV on, clicking on Netflix. Though she tried her best to ignore Michael, she can't help but think about what happened earlier. She liked it. No, she loved it. She loved the fact that she was able to get on Michael's nerves, and how he reacted to it. It was hella attractive to her, and the smell of Michael's perfume wasn't helping her either.

Now, Y/N was watching some cartoon show that she loved. "Are you kidding? You still watch cartoons?" Michael complained, gesturing at the TV. "Yea? What about it? I bet you only watch porn." She shot back and pulled the blanket towards her, leaving Michael without it.

Michael laughed, "I just can't believe a girl like you would watch cartoons. I find it cute." He pulled the blanket towards him, sticking his tongue out to tease her.

A few minutes passed by and Michael was on his phone, scrolling on TikTok. The same sound that kept repeating for almost a minute caught Y/N's attention. Was he watching the same video?

Y/N paused the TV and looked over to Michael's direction, averting her gaze to his phone. She took a good look at the video. a shirtless boy with a gold chain, with LED lights in their room.

"You've been watching that video over and over again, Langdon. Do you like him or something?"

"Yea, I like myself."

Like myself? Oh my god, no.

"What do you mean..?" That can't be him in the video.

"That's me."

Y/N's mouth dropped, "Wha— huh? How? I mean, yeah.. but?"

Michael let out a laugh that he had been holding in, "But what? Look, I'll show you." He handed her his phone, which allowed Y/N to have a closer look of the video.

"So you're telling me you blew up on tiktok by thrusting a phone on your pelvis??" Y/N stared at the amount of likes, a fucking million.

"Uh, yeah? That's how TikTok works? Look at the comments." Michael tapped the comments icon and Y/N scrolled through it.

'yo im down bad 😫'

'can we keep him a secret pls'

'chill i have a bf..'

'break my back 🤪'

Y/N bursted out in laughter, "Oh my god, if only they knew." she gave his phone back and Michael looked at her with a puzzled look.

"Knew what?" He asked, "You couldn't even 'break my back' two years ago, Michael!" She said in between giggles. "That was two years ago, Y/N! Two fucking years. I was a virgin!" Michael defended himself, then immediately realizing what he said.

Y/N wasn't aware that she was Michael's first.

"Wait Y/N, the last part isn't tru—"

She smirked and grabbed her phone from wherever she left it. She opened Twitter and decided to tweet about what Michael said, just for fun.

just wanted to let yall know that @m_langdon admitted that 2 years ago he lost his virginity to me 🤩

"What are you typing and why are you smiling?" Michael asked with a hint of fear in his voice. He feared that Y/N would do something that would tear his reputation down.

Y/N gave him a mischievous grin, "Oh nothing, just tweeted about what you said."

Michael's face fell, and Y/N hit the tweet button.

"Did you twee—"

"Yeah, go check your Twitter. I tagged you too."

Michael shot her a slight glare and went to his Twitter.

Y/N's tweet already had 5 retweets, 14 likes, and 8 replies.

"You did not." Michael said, shocked at how she would do something like this. "Ooh sorry babe, I just did." She faked a pout and formed a letter 'L' with her hand.

Michael felt embarrassment fill him, he wanted to scream at her so bad. He never thought that she would go this far. She was never like this.

He took a deep breath, "Why did you tweet that?"

"And you have the audacity to ask why?"

"Delete that tweet, Y/N." His voice was demanding and dark.

"Or what?"

Michael slowly started to kneel on the bed and hover over her. "You don't want to know."

Y/N smirked and fixed her posture, "Infact, I'd like to know. Care to tell me?” 

Michael clearly wasn’t having any of her shit, he was more than angry. He wanted to release all of his frustrations, and he was gonna do that. 

He trapped her by placing a leg on each side of her left thigh. Surprisingly, Y/N did not shrink against the headboard of the bed. She remained in her place. Their faces are centimeters apart now, 

“Now what, Langdon? Just gonna stare at me? Pathetic shit.” She cupped his face and stroked his cheek mockingly, then dragging her thumb against his bottom lip. 

“Shut the fuck up.” Michael swatted her hand away and crashed his lips again hers. The kiss was so intense, Michael hasn’t kissed any girl like this, it was a foreign feeling for him, and especially for Y/N. Michael’s free hand started roaming throughout her body, tickling her soft flesh. Meanwhile, Y/N was tugging on Michael’s hoodie, “Take this off.” She pulled away from the kiss and gasped for air. Michael took off his hoodie and revealed his naked chest infront of her.

Y/N felt weak. She wanted to fight this feeling so bad, which was lust. But it was too late.

"Fuck me, Michael.." Y/N whimpered, ashamed of her current state. Michael ran his thumb over her bottom lip, "What was that? I didn't catch it." He pouted, teasing her. Y/N couldn't believe herself. She promised herself that she would never fall for any of Michael's antics, yet here she is— completely submitting to him.

Y/N cleared her throat, "Fuck me please.." Michael cocked his head to the side, amused. He was enjoying this. He loved it so much. He finally had Y/N where he wanted her to be, wrapped around his little finger.

Michael's lips ghosted against her cheek, his breath warming up her skin. "Gladly."

And it begins now.

—♡—

this took me like 3 weeks im sorry 😔 nonethelEEEESSSSS i enjoyed writing this despite some breakdowns here and there <3

tags (ily all sm <3): @kitwalker02 @angelicmichael @deademobitch @iheartfrogs101 @tatestripedsweater @mrs-march-ahs @no-mercy-bby @hawtghostgirl @vixemi @antichristwifey @bitchchatter @fallwiththesun @booksandfandomsarelife1 @roseelizabeth666 (im sorry if i missed anyone!!)

—♡—

#michael langdon imagines #michael langdon smut #michael langdon x reader #ahs smut #ahs imagines #ahs 8 #ahs apocalypse #american horror story #ahs 9 #cody fern #cody fern imagines #cody fern x reader #ahs x reader #xavier plympton smut #xavier plympton imagines #duncan shepherd smut #duncan shepherd imagines #good girls dont get used

[feliix]

Peachy ✦ KSJ (18+)

✦  Pairing: Seokjin x Reader ✦ Word count: 1.6k ✦  Rating: M  

✦  Genre: smut, crack(ish), FWB!au

✦  Summary: Daily hookups with Jin had become the new norm, but what he has in store for tonight is nothing like what you’re used to

✦  Warnings: explicit smut, oral (male receiving), peach rings but used as sex toys (idk man I was going through it), dirty talk, cum swallowing, food play

✦ Requested by my love @ppersonna​ “JIN + COCKTAIL MAYHAPS?????? uwu”

✦  A/N: Honestly I don’t have anything else to say but I’m sorry. But this is the second fic I’ve posted today so were back baby! Tagging @miamorjoon​ @hobiance​ and @luxekook​ because for some reason they wanted this. unedited because I’m lazy ✦ Written for the BHQ Drinks and Drabbles game hosted by @bangtan-dreamland​ 

It worked like clockwork. Every night, 8pm on the dot, Jin would text you. Your text exchanges always went the same way. Each one of them beginning and ending with the same two messages.

Jin: 🍆 🤔 You: Front door is unlocked

The first time you hooked up with Jin you were not expecting for it to become a regular thing, but here you were, 6 weeks later with a regularly set sex schedule.

It started from just one date. One night of Netflix and chill turned into two, and then three, and now you had a friend with benefits. Not that you were complaining, Jin was the best you had ever had, and relationships weren’t exactly your thing so this was the absolute best it could get.

With a light tap on your front door and the click of your doorknob turning, you know he’s finally arrived. It was past 9:30 pm now, so he was running a bit behind schedule tonight. Yeah, you were slightly annoyed, but that's okay, all would be forgiven in due time.

“Y/N?” Jin calls, footsteps making their way up the steps preceding his voice, “I’m here!”

“Up here!” You yell back, but he already knew that. He knows the drill. Meet you in your bedroom at the top of the stairs to the right, but make sure to lock the front door first.

One knuckle taps on your doorframe to alert you of his presence. You almost don’t bother to look up from the screen of your phone, used to this daily routine and a little annoyed that he took so long tonight. You had sprayed perfume almost an hour ago now and it was beginning to wear, as was your mood.

“You’re late tonight,” you quirk your brow in question, noticing the shopping bag he holds in his hand, “What's that?”

“I stopped on my way to pick something up.”

Pacing over to you, he joins you on the bed, opening the paper bag and flipping it over to dump the contents on the bed.

“Condoms,” he holds up the box of trojans, the only name brand for the boujie boy he is.

“Snacks,” you say as you grab the bag of peach ring jellies, threatening to rip it open before he snatches it back from your hands. You shoot him a glare in response, but the smirk on his face shows no remorse.

“Just wait.”

“Wait?”

You’re genuinely confused now, watching him shift on the bed as he stands up to begin undressing. There didn’t need to be a hot and heavy clothes-being-ripped-off, make out session before you got down to business – it would all lead to the same place anyway.

“Well what are they for?”

“You’ll see.” A devilish is spread wide across Jin’s face. Your sex life definitely wasn't what most considered ‘vanilla,’ but something about these jelly rings said things were gonna get a little bit more frisky tonight.

As his pants leave his body you can tell he’s already semi hard. You swear this man’s boner never goes away, he’s definitely horny all the time. Not that you were complaining, you’ve been dripping as soon as you got the eggplant text.

Spinning on his heels your eyes meet his back, shamelessly traveling down to the swell of his ass. It was right there, you couldn’t help it. You can't see what he’s doing, but when you hear the bag of jellies being ripped open

You have no more energy to question what he was doing at this point, your eyebrow does raise as you hear him let out a small whimper and he fumbles with the bag. He keeps looking behind himself to make sure you can't see, locking eyes with your questioning stare and only grinning in response.

“Okay ready,” he says turning around with his hands on his hips. Your gaze immediately focuses on his cock, adorned with three jelly rings, stretched to the brim and wrapped around his shaft.

Jaw dropping in astonishment, you stare at his erect member, his face smug in response to your reaction. “You want me to…suck them off your dick?”

“Exactly.”

Your head tilts to the side as you admire Jin’s form – standing with his legs wide to show off his manhood, standing upright and embellished with the peach candies. No words come to your mind as a response, your mind is completely blank. So you decide to just shrug your shoulders in response

“They are kind of squeezing me, but no rush,” he laughs in an attempt to break the awkward silence that has formed. It's not your fault you’ve never seen a candy coated cock before.

“Right,” you scoot towards the edge of the bed to hop off, getting on your knees in front of him.  Your gaze hasn't left his candy garnished cock since you’ve first laid eyes on it. The way the jellies squeeze it so gently, the ridges forming between them on the shaft. You’d be lying if you didn’t think about riding him with them on, dying for some extra friction in your walls. Maybe another time…

Slowly, you wrap your mouth around the tip, your lips brushing against the first jelly in line.  It's sweet, the sugar garnish melting deliciously as it meets your mouth. The sugar coats your tongue as you extend it outwards, placing small kitten licks over the ridge between the first two jellies.

You sigh a moan of approval at the sweet taste, wrapping your lips fully around the first candy and hollowing your cheeks. It comes off easier than you had expected it to, sliding off from the lubrication of your saliva over his head. Jin lets out a steep moan throwing his head back as curses leave his lips.

“First one done,” you smirk as you look up at him through your eyelashes, chewing your accomplishment (sweetly). Small strands of his hair are stuck to the sides of his face, framing his lustful eyes as sweat gathers at his brow. You watch as his adam’s apple bobs in his throat, swallowing thickly to choke back the flood of moans threatening to leave his lips.

You tongue at his cock again, dragging it along his entire length to coat it in your saliva. The salty taste of his precum mixes with the peach flavor as you reach his tip. The mixture satisfies your taste buds as you lick up the remnants of his leaking tip.

“Fuck, keep going,” Jin groans, head falling back as his eyes screw shut, basking in the bliss you were giving him, “feels so good.”

You take his compliment as a sign to move forward, wrapping your lips around his tip and sliding them down the shaft to the next jelly. Your tongue grazes over each ridge of his cock, gliding over each vein and massaging them gently.

From the sounds leaving Jin’s mouth you can tell he was enjoying himself. His hands swiftly find their way into your hair, gripping it at the roots and tugging at your scalp. He wasn't being pushy, though. Just needed something to grip onto in order to keep himself together for a little while longer.

The second jelly has already begun dissolving from the repetitive movement of your tongue over it. It slid off just as easily as the first, breaking in half as it reached the ridge between his shaft and his head. You chew and swallow it triumphantly, leaving his dick to twitch in anticipation as he’s left with no stimulation.

“Last one,” you smile as you take his head in your mouth one more time, licking at the precum gathering at his tip before sliding your mouth down his shaft. The last jelly is placed at the base of his cock, squeezing him harder than the rest. The candy was stretched to its limits, creating an indent on his cock. The challenge of getting this one off enticed you, and you knew Jin would enjoy the feel of you deep throating him to get it off.

You sunk your head down all the way, hollowing out your cheeks and relaxing to take all of him in. His cock spasms on your tongue as you reach his base, flicking your tongue over the candy trying to get it off. This one was on there good, and it wouldn't be as easy as the last two.

In a split second you decide to pull back your lips, biting down gently on the jelly to get a better grip.

“Ow, fuck!” Jin yells, his thighs tightening under your grip as your teeth graze his member. Your smug with his reaction, giggle slightly as you move your lips back to take hold of the jelly. But it wasn’t over just yet.

Bobbing your head up and down you suction the peach candy against your lips, using it as a guide as you massage his cock with your tongue. Jin’s cock throbs in response – you know that he’s close.

For added stimulation you remove your grip from one of his thighs to grope his balls, something you know always sends him over the edge. And before you know it white hot spurts are landing on your tongue. His hand grips your hair as his face morphs in bliss, a muted croak echoing from his throat as he keens into your touch.

Once he’s finished you pull away for the last time, chewing the peach ring as your reward and swallowing it with his cum. He’s out of breath, panting as his hands hold onto your shoulders as he recovers from his high.

“How do you feel?” You ask as you look up at his euphoric expression. Small beads of sweat are dripping down the sides of his face and running down his neck, glistening from the dim light of the TV illuminating the room.

“Just peachy.”

‘Peachy’ is copyright 2020 @parksfilter​, all rights reserved. Please do not repost or translate on any platform.

#ficswithluv #bangtanarmynet #networkbangtan #smutcentralnet #btswriterscollective #magicshopnet #bangtanhq #kpopuniversenet #bhqdrabbles #ksj x reader #jin x reader #jin fanfic #fwb seokjin #seokjin x reader #kim seokjin #jin smut #ksj smut

[moondustis]

malamente (m)

pairing: Jung Jaehyun + reader genre: angst, smut, drama word count: 8k summary:  bonnie and clyde au! Right now, at the downfall, you can only think back to the basement apartment and the job that barely managed to put food on your mouth. The lack of life on Jaehyun's eyes and how it seemed almost gone the past days. And there's the answer. It was. It was all worth it. 

You can see Jaehyun's mouth moving through the black mask but the sound of alarms and sirens are too loud, deafening even. Your hand grips the bag you're holding with much more force than needed, and there's tears on your face that you cant feel right now but it just gives the moment the touch of drama it needs. Jaehyun rushes to you, the gun in his hand pointed upwards as he cups your face, the alarms still going off and the sirens getting closer by the minute. You try to read his lips but its like your mind can't process anything, like you're in a state of shock that nothing can pull you out off. 

Was it worth it? Your mind provides. Was any of it worth it? 

Right now, at the downfall, you can only think back to the basement apartment and the job that barely managed to put food on your mouth. The lack of life on Jaehyun's eyes and how it seemed almost gone the past days. 

And there's the answer. It was. It was all worth it. 

✸

The routine repeats itself everyday, as it should. It’s almost as if you’re living on automatic mode. Your shift ends at 8pm. You take off your apron, get your bag and whatever leftover you managed to save for dinner and walk outside to meet Jaehyun, who’s waiting for you with a cigarette on his mouth.

He greets you with a kiss to the cheek, knows too well you despise the taste of the cheap cigarette he smokes. “How was work?” You let him hold your hand, feeling the weight on your body leave just a little bit.

“It was ok, same old.” You liked your job. Your very underpaid job, but still it was something. Your mother taught you how to cook from a young age so it just made sense to make use of the only talent you had. Even if sometimes the manager got on your nerve and made you want to quit. “How’s Yuta?”

Yuta was one of Jaehyun’s closest friends. The one that when everything was way shittier than it its now, taught Jaehyun how to work his way around those fancy music equipments and now they sell jingles for supermarkets every once in a while. “He's fine.“ Is all he replies with, never one to talk too much about matters of work, but today something seems off. Like his mind is somewhere else. 

Most days Jaehyun is good at hiding how miserable and exhausted he feels, how it destroys his soul to be wasting the only talent he has on things that are useless. But sometimes all he can do is smoke a whole pack of cigarettes while he argues with you that it would be better if he just found another job, something that pays more  but leaves him ten times more dead inside than he is now. 

On the other hand, you are the best at hiding it. Feels like that's the only thing that's pushing you both forward, the sweet smile you give him everyday even if your back hurts from sleeping on the old mattress. Even if you're tired of eating eggs everyday because they are cheaper. But after three years it's easy for him to see right past all that. 

“You sure you're okay?“ He asks when you both make into the full subway, the amount of people squeezing the two of you together. “You look tired.“

Don’t I always? You want to say, but you just shrug it off. “Yep.” You say, mindlessly. “Just had a long day, is all.”

He presses a kiss to the top of your head, the smell of the cigarette he had earlier still lingering but it doesn’t bother you as much as the kiss makes you feel warm. He is good at that, always has been. Making you feel safe and content without even saying a word. 

The rest of the way home is met with a comfortable silence from the both of you. You do this almost everyday, the shady streets don’t change, the flickering light doesn’t go out and the stray cat that stays just outside the stairs that lead you down your small house still hisses at Jaehyun when he tries to pet it. It’s a dreadful routine.

There’s a bill on the counter that you still haven’t gotten the courage to open yet when you enter the kitchen and Jaehyun runs to shower. The lasagna leftover you managed to get at work is something to be thankful for, even if the amount is not really enough for both of you. Still, you heat it and wait for Jaehyun to come out of the shower to eat it. 

You’re impatient, fingers running around the counter as the static noise of the microwave fills the room. You eye the bill for a minute before muttering a low ‘fuck it’ and grabbing it. You tear the paper, being met with a long letter detailing the specifics of a deal you made years ago and a reminder that if you don’t pay it soon you will be met with a pretty lawsuit. 

A long time ago your dreams were still intact inside of your head, and an acceptance to the university you aimed for just got the best out of your naivety. Drowning yourself in student loan sounded like a good idea at the time, you would be a lawyer by the time you were done with college anyway, more than enough money to pay for it later on. But in the end it didn't turn out like that, having to work two jobs didn’t make attending classes very easy and soon you were a college dropout with no money and an amount of student loan that you wouldn’t be able to pay. Ever. 

That exact amount stares at you now, plus taxes, in a bold font and a due date by the end of the month. Great, peachy even. It’s not like it makes your hands shake and your heart beat faster in your chest as you start to panic just a little bit.

You don’t even notice the beeping coming from the microwave, only snapping out of it when Jaehyun walks in the room, hair still wet. “Baby? What’s wrong?” His voice is filled with worry as he makes his way towards you. 

He has no comforting words when he takes the piece of paper from your hand and reads it, muttering a little fuck and shaking his head. “Let’s just forget it for now and eat, okay?” Is his clever solution and what can you do but nod. 

He tries to make small chat while you eat, trying his best to distract you and it works for the most part. The little anxiety monster not weighing so much on your back.

Later, when you have already showered and you’re both laying on the mattress on the floor he mutters the words that would change everything into the dark. “Do you ever think about how far you would go for money?” 

Most of the time you like to think you would never go too far to make money, always staying with the 9 to 5 jobs that didn’t pay that well. But days like this, your mind wanders around the alternatives. “Sometimes, I guess.” You whisper, as if to not disturb the quiet. “What about you?”

You turn around so you’re facing him but his eyes stay glued to the ceiling, as if he is in deep thought. “I would do anything with you.” He replies, not really answering the question but his words weigh on. Little did you know they would stick with you forever.

✸

He makes the proposition on a sunday night, when you both have a day off. The old television is playing reruns of a show Jaehyun liked to watch but you never really cared about. Tonight though he seems a bit uninterested. 

He had been acting out of it the whole week, not speaking much and moving around like he’s in a never ending anxiety state. 

“Have you heard about the little cafe down the street closing down?” You ask after too long in silence, making small talk as if to settle his nerves. 

“Huh?” You watch him blink from your side of the couch before his attention is turned to you. He looks comfortable in his big black hoodie but his hair is just about to get oily from not having washing it. “Why? I thought they were doing well.” 

You hum in agreement. “Heard it was because of the robbery couple weeks ago. People don’t really want to get their coffee on a dangerous neighbor.” He just blinks again and you realize he’s not paying attention to what you’re saying. “Is everything okay, baby?”

Out of nowhere he gets up from the bed, standing there looking at you with a weird air in his eyes. “I know a way we can get the debt money.” He says out of nowhere and quickly. 

“Oh.” You mutter out dumbly, not really knowing what to say to his abrupt confession. 

He scratches the back of his head, passing around the room as if trying to choose the right words. “I - Yuta and I were talking last week and he mentioned this, hm…” His nervous behavior is making you nervous as well and you wish he would just say it already. “He mentioned an opportunity.”

You raise your eyebrows, moving so you are sitting down on the bed, eyes trying to scan his. “What kind?”

Yuta was a great person, he truly was. But like you and Jaehyun, and probably every other person in New York, he struggled with money. Unlike you though, he would sometimes get involved in sketchy business and, against your knowledge, would try to get Jaehyun to do the same. 

“You probably won’t like it.” Jaehyun says and you know it’s not something good but you entertain him with a raise of your eyebrows. “Remember Doyoung?” 

“The guy with red hair?” You had met Doyoung once, during a small party at Yuta’s party. It was a long time ago, but you still remember his vivid red hair. 

Jaehyun nods. “He was doing some work around houses downtown. Cleanings pools and stuff.” He’s still pacing around your small bedroom, avoiding your eyes. “Well one of the men he was working for apparently forgot he had given him a spare key to the house.” 

“And where’s the opportunity here?” 

“Rich people are dumb, baby. That’s the opportunity.” You let out a small laugh at that. “The man has money hidden in his house and we have access to the keys.” 

He does a big gesture to you as if he had just discovered all the secrets of the universe. “Are you suggesting - You want us to rob someone?” You have a hard time processing his words. That’s by far the craziest thing Jaehyun has ever said, the drug dealing idea last year doesn’t even come close to this. “This is crazy. How are we even getting the key from Doyoung? And how are we even supposed to even get inside without being noticed?” 

“He’s giving it to us. Knows how much we need the money.” You let out a sigh, throwing your blanket away so you can get up as well. “And the dude will be away for a day next week app-“

“Jaehyun, you’re going crazy. Please look at-“

“No, ____. I’m not-“ He gets antsy at your reaction, finally facing you and cradling your face with both his hands. There’s desperation in his eyes and you want to make him feel at peace again. “We have to, baby. It’s our only chance.” 

Of the things you missed the most, hope was one of them. It made things make sense, hoping that everything would work out and tomorrow would be better. You think back to the day you lost it, saw it draining from Jaehyun’s soul as he cried in front of you for the first time. He had looked so fatigued as he looked at you and delivered the news that he got fired from his job and the only thing you could give him was the letter of eviction you had gotten earlier. 

After hope is gone you start to live on automatic, just trying to make it through the next day. There’s no silver linings and no alternatives. But this right here, seems like one. It’s a hard thing to admit but it really might be your only chance. 

You don’t accept it right away but Jaehyun knows you will eventually. That night you fall asleep with him telling you it will be ok as you cry yourself dry.

✸

Jaehyun gets a car. An old thing that has probably seen better days and which the origin of where it came from is kept hidden from you. He tells you to pack most things you will need for a few weeks, which are not much because you don’t own a lot. 

jaehyun gets a gun. A real one that you find out about when he’s driving you downtown, to rob a man’s house from all things. 

It’s around 1am but the streets are still busy, with people walking around and the neon signs still on. There’s a song playing that Jaehyun seems to enjoy because he keeps humming to it and for a second you forget about what’s happening. Until he asks you. “Are you nervous?”

There’s no beating around the bush here. “Yes.”

“Me too.” He says back and turns the music on even louder.

Your heart beats like crazy on your chest as Jaehyun enters they key on the lock, as if expecting for alarms to go off and for this to be over before it even starts, but nothing happens. He just opens the door and walks inside. 

If the house seemed huge from the outside, it’s even bigger inside. The architecture is minimalist, like the houses you see on the movies and you’re sure there are pieces of art on the walls are worth more than your life. 

The sound of your steps on the wood floor echo so you try to walk as slowly as possible, taking in the luxury that surrounds the place. 

“You can take whatever you like, just not something that they would notice soon.” Jaehyun's voice snaps you out of your daze, your eyes moving to where he’s heading inside the house. He seems determined and you should be too. 

“Okay.” You say back, trailing behind him before you decide to enter what it seems like a big closet. 

When you turn the lights on you let your eyes wander, there’s a full corridor full of clothes, shoes and bags that left your mouth gaping. Fashion had always been something you enjoyed but never let yourself fantasize too much about, other than a nice sale at H&M. Now though, you let your hands travel through all the soft and expensive looking fabrics. 

Your fingers stop when they touch the softest silk you had ever felt in your entire life, eyes shining when you see the lilac shade of it. A Valentino slip dress so pretty that you feel excited just by holding it and it doesn’t take you long to decide that this wouldn’t be missed. 

For the remaining of your search you let yourself be shallow but not too much,, entering bathrooms and taking perfumes and lipsticks with you but not letting yourself get away when you see bags and earrings that call your name. 

It feels like hours inside the house before you finally find yourself on the only room you hadn’t been yet and Jaehyuni’s voice is reverberating through the house in search for you. 

He finds you on the main bedroom, staring at the huge bed on the center of it. It looks comfortable.

He comes behind you, arms circling your waist and face resting on the crook of your neck. You let out a pleased hum. “Want me to fuck you there, kitten?” He whispers in your ear and even if it does send a shiver down your spine, you scoff at him. 

“You’re filthy, Jung Jaehyun.” Your reply makes him laugh, throwing his arm up in defeat. 

“A man can only dream.” He says and there’s a lightness to his voice that wasn’t there before but when you turn to look at him there’s still worry in his eyes. “Did you get everything you wanted?” 

You nod. “Just a few things.” 

He smiles, likes for some reason that you are being bashful about this. “Well I got us a lot of fucking cash.” It makes you laugh, hands moving to rest at his shoulders while you do your best to give him dreamy eyes. 

“You did?” He knows what you’re playing at and it only make him smile wider, dimples coming out. 

“Mhm-hm.” He says before pressing a quick peck to your lips. “You could even say we’re rich right now. Even got myself a Rolex.” 

He shows the watch to you with a smirk on his face. It was always his very out of reality dream to get one and here he was now, proudly showing his wrist off like he bought it with his own money.

“Oh! It’s so pretty.” 

“Yeah? You think so?” He asks, one hand moving to your cheek and caressing it with his thumb.

You nod again. “Makes you hotter.” You whisper and he lets out a full laugh, making you smile as well. 

“Can’t fucking believe you sometimes. A little vixen, that’s what you are.” 

“Can’t help that money makes me horny.” You joke, making him laugh even harder, bending to get the duffel bag that he had dropped to his feet. 

You both make sure that everything is set and non suspicious before leaving. Only stopping by the kitchen so Jaehyun can steal a bottle champagne and expensive cheese while you roll your eyes. 

The weight on your shoulders only leave when you’re inside the car driving away. It’s then, with the calm of the early morning, the wind on your face and a song playing, that you decide you want to see Jaehyun smiling all the time. 

“Jaehyun.” You call out to him and he immediately turns to look at you, hands still on the steering wheel. The worry has left his eyes, leaving space for a peaceful gleam that you absolutely adore. “I love you.” 

He gives you a smile, making your insides twist with happiness. “Love you too, angel. You’re my ride or die.” 

✸

When you pull up at the road motel it feels like something straight out of a movie, with lights flickering and only a few cars on the huge parking lot. 

Jaehyun had promised that as soon as you got back to the city you would go and spend a whole week at a fancy hotel to make up for this. But for now, the motel would had driven 2 hours to get to, would have to do. 

It wasn’t bad, you think to yourself, as you enter the little reception. The bed would probably be better than the one you had at home. 

“Good morning, welcome to La Luna.” The old lady behind the counters says in an almost robotic voice. She looks way past her bedtime and barely even glances twice at you. “Can I help you?” 

“We need a room, for a couple of nights.” Jaehyun replies, glancing at you to make sure you were okay. You give him a small smile. 

“We don’t book for more than a day. You have to come back in the morning to check-in again.” The lady says placing a piece of paper on the counter,  making him sigh before signing where it was needed.

“That’s okay. We’ll get one for the night and come back again tomorrow.” He says and as soon as the lady gives him the key he’s walking away, you following right behind. 

Room 439 is simple. Looks more like a plain hotel room, with the white sheets in the bed and the minimalist decor, then a road motel you have seen in movies. 

There’s the sound of the bag Jaehyun was holding falling to the floors, then of the gun being placed on the bedside table. Your eyes glance to the clock right next to it, the red lights indicating that it was a little after 4AM. You should feel tired but your body is tingling with adrenaline and excitement, heart beating slightly too fast. 

So you move to the bathroom, bag still in your hand. You can still hear Jaehyun moving around in the bedroom but it feels good to be alone for a second. 

Your hands are shaking when you remove the clothes you are wearing, folding them with patience and placing it on the closed toilet lid. Then you remove your underwear, the printing of the tight bra staying behind in slightly red marks. The streams of hot water from the quick shower you take wash them away. 

You feel like your heart will burst when you are completely dry, bending to the floor to open the bag with the things you had stolen behind. Stolen. The words echo in your head as you stare at yourself in the fogged mirror. There’s a blush on your cheeks from the heat and your hair is wet. You can barely see the perfume you hold so tightly as you spray your body with it, a pleasant, not too sweet and not too citrusy smell filling your senses.

Then comes the dress, a little folded for being in the bag, but still the most beautiful piece of cloth you had ever seen. You almost moan when the fabric hits your skin, the lilac of it looking almost angelic on you. It’s a pretty dress, stopping at your mid thigh and with the straps not doing much to keep you covered. 

Looking in the mirror again, you see yourself. None of the things on your body are yours, but it’s still you. 

When you walk inside the bedroom again a shiver runs down your spine from the cold air. Jaehyun is sitting on the bed, his now naked back is turned to you as he goes through the channels on the tv. 

It's silly but you clear your throat, trying to get his attention. It works and he turns so he's facing you, smile immediately painting his face. “Damn, baby. You look so pretty.“ He says genuinely and you can't help but smile back, your cheeks turning pink. “Come on, come here.“ He pats his thighs and you walk to him, until you're standing between his open legs. 

“Do you like it?“ You twirl around a little so the dress follows, giggling. 

He moves his hands to your thighs, rubbing through the dress and humming. “Of course, you look so beautiful.“ He presses a kiss to your clothed stomach, then another to the exposed area of your chest. “Smell so good too. Makes me want to eat you up.“ 

He looks at you then, eyes filled with something that you probably mirror and you can only reply with a little oh, making him laugh at you before finally pressing a kiss to your lips. 

Its quick before soon he's getting off the bed and moving you to where the champagne bottle is. “We should celebrate, huh?“ His voice is playful as he gets the bottle on his hands. “It's not everyday you become a millionaire.“ 

You laugh out loud. You are far from being a millionaire but it does feel like it, on this small hotel room with your designer dress and Jaehyun smiling at you. When he pops the champagne open you clap your hands and he moves it to his mouth trying to not get it to fall on the floor, but instead it drips down his neck, a bit getting on his chest. It makes something inside you tingle. 

“Can I have some?“ You ask, getting closer to him. 

“Sure, baby. Open up.“ You do as he says, parting your lips and tilting your head back a little so he can pour it on your mouth. He watches you the whole time, and after you have gulped down he places the bottle on the desk again, hands moving to your neck. Impatient, you close the distance first, smashing your lips together and almost groaning in frustration when he smiles against your mouth as if teasing you for being so eager. 

The kiss is hungry from the start, with his hands moving to your hips and you pulling on his lips. When you moan a little at the feel he opens his mouth a little, sliding his tongue against yours and you swear you will never get enough of this. 

Your hands move down, trying to unbutton his jeans but he distracts you with nips to your lower lip. “So eager, kitten.” He murmurs against your lip and you blush for being caught on your desperation. His hand moves down your dress, gripping at your bare ass before he’s smacking it, bringing a yelp to your lips. If you weren’t wet already you sure were now. “Are you gonna be a good girl for me, huh?” 

You nod, earning yourself another smack. “Y-yes, I’ll be a good girl. Please, please...” You whimper and he kisses you hard again, sucking at your lips and your grip at his shoulders. 

He goes down, kissing at your jaw, then your earlobe and then he’s biting at your neck, making you squirm but he keeps you still with a strong grip on your waist. His other hands goes to the thin strap of your dress, pushing it down until it falls on one side, exposing your breasts to him. 

He wastes no time, mouth going to your chest as he latches his lips to one of your hard nipples and you let out a moan, hands gripping his nape. “Oh —  Oh my god….” 

He gives the same attention to the other nipple and you feel overwhelmed already, always had been too sensitive. You don’t even notice when he pushes the other strap down and the dress falls to the floor. “Such a pretty dress, baby.” He mutters against your chest. “But you look much better like this.” 

He drops to his knees, hands roaming your body before they stop at your hips. One kiss to your stomach, then another and he’s finally where you want him the most. Taking his time, he pressed the littlest of kisses to your bare cunt before he’s pressing his tongue to it. You cry out at the feeling, hands moving to grip the table in front of you as he laps at you entrance, collecting your wetness there before he’s moving to your clit. 

He likes this as much as you do, humming against you and licking you so deeply you feel the urge to press your thighs together. He always said he could stay between your legs until his jaw got strained, he wouldn’t mind. “Taste so fucking good.” You can feel the vibrations of his voice through you, a shiver running down your body.

“Please, Jae… ‘M so close.” Your fingers grip his hair, pushing his mouth further and he hums again when you try to move against his mouth. 

“That’s it, kitten.” He groans, muffled by you. “Ride my face.” 

You did, grip on his hair only getting tighter as he continued to lick and suck you, two of his fingers slipping inside of you. It’s when he curls them and flicks his tongue just right on your clit you let out a cry. “Oh — Jae… I’m gonna cum— I’m…”

Your walls tighten around his fingers and then you’re seeing all white. Mouth falling open as he continues to lick, gentler this time, you through your orgasm. 

You have barely gotten your breath back before he’s dragging you to the bed, leaving his pants and briefs behind. His chest was shining with a light sheen of sweat as he hovers over you before dropping your lips to yours, making you taste yourself on his tongue. 

“Want you.” He mutters against your lips and you know, can feel him pressing against your thigh. “Want you so fucking bad.” 

He nuzzles his face against yours, before kissing your neck again. “Please…” You whine, arching your back to try and get closer to him. “Fuck me… Please.” 

“Yeah? Want me inside?” His voice was lower with around, hand moving to grip his cock and slicking the head with your wetness. You open your legs wider for him. “Want me inside your tight little pussy?” 

You nod your head, walls clenching at his words and he presses the head at your entrance, biting his lips. He slides in slowly, feeling you pulsing against him and making him groan loudly. He feels so good you could see stars right now. 

You lock your ankles behind him, bringing him closer and he lets out a moan. “Just a sec, baby. Just a — fuck….” 

The first thrust has you both moaning, your hands moving to grip at his shoulders, nails drawing crescents on his skins. You’re both on a high and he can’t control himself, each thrust getting harder than the last one as he grunts in your ear, begging you to come for him. You can hear faintly in the background the sound of the bed squeaking but the sound of your moans and of skin slapping drowns it.

“Oh, fuck…” You yelp when his fingers get in contact with your clit, rubbing it until you’re coming for the second time, back arching off the bed. 

After that he sets a sloppy rhythm, thrusting faster until he’s pressing deep inside of you with a grunt and filling you up with his release. “Fuck, Fuck —Shit.”

You whimpers when he pulls out, feeling his release falling out on the bed and your ass. He drops his head to your neck, pressing a kiss to your cheek before laughing lowly. 

He gets up after a moment and disappears into the bathroom, coming back with a small wet towel he uses to clean you up. “You need to pee?” He asks and you shake your head.

“I will in a minute.” You open your arms for him. “Come here now.” 

He does as told, falling into your arms and pressing kisses all over you. “I love you, baby.” You giggle and that makes him look at you with an intensity that wasn't there before. “I really do, you know that right? I would kill for you.” 

You look at him with glossy eyes, hands moving to his cheek. “I know.” Your thumb massages his worried eyebrows. “And I love you too.” 

He turns his head so he can kiss your hand. “Would you?” He asks before continuing. “Kill for me?” 

You think about it for a second before deciding. “I would.” And that’s final.

✸

The thing about ambition is that it never seems enough, it blinds you and the only think you can think about is more and more. 

After 3 days, Jaehyun drops a balaclava onto the hotel bed as you're balancing yourself on it and trying to paint your toenails. “What's this?“ You ask, eyebrows raising as he drops the rest of the things he bought from the closest convenience store he could find. 

“There's a small town, about 30 minutes from here.“ He starts, getting a package of oreos from the shopping bag and ripping it open with his teeth. “Apparently nothing really happens there during the weekend… and the bank closes down.“

He lets his words hang in the air. You know exactly what's he's implying, deciding to stay quiet for a minute, taking your time applying the black nail polish and keeping your eye on it as it dries. Him chomping down oreo after oreo like he didn't just suggest what he did just makes you the more antsy. “So?“

He knows you're playing dumb. “It's an opportunity.“ He replies, simple and dry, making you scoff loudly.

“An opportunity to fucking ruin our lives, is what you mean.“ Before the words are even out of your mouth he's already sighing and throwing his arms up. 

“Come on, it's gonna be eas-“

“Easy? Are you out of your mind?“ You interrupt him, blood already boiling as you close down the nail polish and get out of bed. “Do you think this is some kind of movie, huh?“ 

You try to go to the bathroom so this argument won't last as long as it seems to and hopefully give him time to drop the stupid idea, but he doesn't let you. Stepping in front of you, you can smell the oreo coming from his mouth and it mixes with the nail polish making you want to be sick. “Please, baby. Listen to me.“ He pleads and you just roll your eyes. This is insane. He looks like he's going insane. “I have it all figured out, trust me.“ 

“Yeah? Like you are some crime genius, for fucks sake.“ You whisper yell and he bites his lips in anger, trying his best not to snap at you. It would only make it worse. “It's a dumb idea, you know it.“

“Jesus, I knew you would fucking flip on me.“ He walks away from you, pinching the bride of his nose before turning to you again. 

You don't even bother replying, stomping your way to the bathroom and locking the door as he tells you to stop being fucking crazy for a second. Before any of this, your fights with Jaehyun were always about trivial things, like him leaving the lights on when he went out or you using all the hot water before he could even shower. They were still intense, with screaming and door banging, but it always ended up with one of you giving in, showering the other with affection to make up for the harsh words said. This time would be no different. 

You sit on the closed toilet, watching the black polish on your toes dry for about 5 minutes before the knock on the door comes. “Hey, baby… I'm sorry, okay?“ He says with a sigh. “Didn't mean to snap at you but I really need you to hear me out.“ 

When you don’t reply he takes it as a sign to keep going, voice low and calm. “We should - need to get more money. the amount we have right now is only enough to like,  barely pay out our debts.” His words make you slightly nervous, and only thinking about the life before this sends shivers down your spine. “If we get more we can move out of that shithole, you know? Like we talked about. We just’ need to do this and then it will be over, I promise you.” 

Sometimes you like to think about this as a vacation. So far it felt like you were in a dream and none of your previous worries could touch you here. A dangerous line of thought, you knew that, but it was easier to not know the amount of money you had so far and what the mere implication of it going wrong would imply. You had let the hard parts for Jaehyun to take care of and now he throws it at your face, even if his soft voice and promises try to blind you from it. This won’t be over so fast, or at all. 

You get up too fast, vision going black and a sting hitting your head, so when you open the door the image of him is blurred. “Tell me about the plan.” Is all you say.

-

It's not the best weather for a weekend. The grey in the sky makes for a gloomy sunday but feel like it's perfect. You Are nervous, more than the last time and you can tell Jaehyun is as well, but he holds your sweaty palm in his for the entire ride as you try not to think about all the things that could go wrong. There's a lot, but you push then aside for now. 

The city is indeed vacant, just a few convenience stores open and in your mind you think that it would be much easier to just rob one of them, but Jaehyun had argued that it would take robbing 5 stores to get what you would in a bank. He's right, you assume. You wish you had a gun right now. 

When he parks just outside the back entrance to the bank you feel like puking the oreos you had as a breakfast and your head spins with how fast you're shaking. ”I should've stayed at the hotel.” You mutter and he gives you a look. 

”I need you here.” For what, you wonder. To drive the car if you need a quick escape? To hold the bag as he puts the money inside it? To tell him it's gonna be okay even if the your gut is telling you to get out of there right now? 

You just nod, putting on the black balaclava when he hands it to you. It constricts your breathing even more, making you feel light headed but you still follow him. 

The whole thing happens in 4 quick steps that feels like forever for you. 

Jaehyun manages to get the back door open without the alarms going off and you let out a breath that almost makes you choke. It goes according to the plan, making you wonder where he learned to do this and the only coherent answer is that Yuta taught him somehow. Then he's pacing around, balaclava covering his face as he enters a room and tells you to stay at the door. You stay frozen, heart beating in your ears in an almost deafening way. You feel like a decoy, not doing anything important but hold the bag tightly on your fists. 

It's about 30 minutes before Jaehyun is walking out, wads of cash on his hand and your head does a spin again. ”Come on, open the bag.” He rushes and you do as told on automatic. That's it? It shouldn't have been so easy, It can't be. 

He puts the money there and you can see he's shaking too. You wish you could see his face right now. ”It - It worked?” Your voice is hoarse and you look at him expectantly. Then it happens. Before he can answer the sound hits your ears. The most deafening alarm and the red lights lighting up the whole place. Jaehyun mutters a low fuck, and zips the bag in a rush. 

You knew something was wrong, nothing bad should ever be that easy. You mind rushes with thoughts of how the cops got there so fast and why the alarm didn't sound when you walked in. Your eyes land on the cameras and your curse both of you for being so dumb and not thinking of that. In the back of your panic you can see Jaehyun moving trying to do god knows what and telling you to move, but you're stuck in place, legs shaking and you're sure you would fall face into to the floor if you dared to walk. It's done, there's no coming back now. 

You can see Jaehyun's mouth moving through the black mask  when he comes closer to you, but the sound of alarms and sirens are too loud, deafening even. The red lights are much brighter now.  Your hand grips the bag you're holding with much more force than needed, and there's tears on your face that you cant feel right now but it just gives the moment the touch of drama it needs. Jaehyun rushes to you, the gun in his hand pointed upwards as he cups your face, the alarms still going off and the sirens getting louder by the minute. You try to read his lips but its like your mind can't process anything, like you're in a state of shock that nothing can pull you out off. 

Was it worth it? Your mind provides. Was any of it worth it? 

Right now, at the downfall, you can only think back to the basement apartment and the job that barely managed to put food on your mouth. The lack of life on Jaehyun's eyes and how it seemed almost gone the past days. 

And there's the answer. It was. It was all worth it.

He removes the balaclava from your head, throwing it somewhere before he's gripping your face again. He presses a kiss to your cheeks, before he whispers the words in your ear. You want to protest, to fight him, but he's much stronger than you, ripping the bag from your hands and making you drop to the ground as the cold barrel of the gun presses to the side of your head. You can finally feel the tears on your face. 

What happens next is a blur, the cops burst in, guns in hand and telling Jaehyun to drop the gun and put his hands where they can see it. He tells them he will kill you if they come any closer. For a minute you wish he would, just end it already. You just want it to be over. 

He lets them get him, being thrown to the floor as they handcuff him and you let out a sob as one officer pulls you up by the elbow. ”Its okay, miss. You're safe now.” Is what he says and you almost laugh between a muffled sob. It's pathetic how they fell into it. 

You cry all the way to the police station, body shaking, almost begging for them to sedate you already. Its too much for you. You think about Jaehyun and where they are taking him right now. You don't want to live in a world without him. 

They take you to a room that is all grey after examining for any injuries.. Theres a cup of tea on the table in front of you and an officer stares you up and down. You feel heavy, cheeks stained and a headache even though you have calmed down a lot by now. 

The officer clears his throat, getting your attention. ”We understand this is a delicate situation you are in, miss. So we won't take long with the questions.” He's being too nice and you want to scoff. ”We just need to understand what went on, is that okay?”

You nod and he continues, eyeing the paper in front of him. ”What we gathered from the ordeal is that the criminal by the name Jung Jaehyun kidnapped you, is that correct?”

You swallow a lump in your throat, remembering the words he had said before it went down. The lies he said would make it better. ”Y-yes.” You lie through your teeth, and the man in front of you writes it down. ”He told - He said he needed someone to - I don't know, it was all very confusing. I can't remember.”

“Did he assault or attempted to touch you in any wa-?”

“No!” You exclaim a bit too loudly and the man gives you a look. You clear your throat and try again. “No, he did not.” 

He writes that down too and you shift anxiously in your seat. “Well, that’s all we need for now. But we’ll have to keep you around a bit longer in case something comes up, I’m sorry about that.” 

“It’s ok.” You say and then your mind acts for itself. “Can I see him?” 

You had to try, even if it sent the whole plan to the space. You didn't know when or if you would ever be able to see him again, so you had to try. The officer looks at you with pity. “Afraid not.” He says kindly. “And you shouldn't want to either, that man could have hurt you.” 

There’s a pang in your heart when you hear those words but you just hum.

✸

Orange doesn’t suit him. 

It had been a year and half now but every time you saw him in the color, it made you want to throw up. He had been sent to a prison 15 minutes away from your city, and every 20 days they would allow you to go there and visit him. 

After 6 months of only being able to see him through the thick glass and hear his voice through the phone, they finally let you really see each other during the visits. It was bittersweet, seeing him in that place, where you should be as well. But being able to touch him and just see his face made it a little better. There was only 4 years to go now. 

”Hello, pretty.” He says when you sit down on the round table, across from him You are wearing the floral dress he likes so much and it makes him smile. You wish you could kiss him, but you satisfy yourself with holding his hands. 

”How have you been?” It's always the same question, but you always have to know. He has a bit of stubble going on that you think suits him very well.

”You know, same old, same old. Started reading that book you brought in last time.” Last time had been 5 weeks ago, because you couldn't contain yourself and started an argument and didn't want to see him for all that time. You both ignore that now, deciding to enjoy what little time you have together. ”Missed you like crazy.”

Longing. That's what his eyes are full of when he looks at you and your heart hurts the same way it did almost 2 years ago. The same way it hurts everyday. ”Please don't say that.” You whispers, avoiding his eyes.

Sometimes you wish you could just go back to that sketchy motel room in the middle of nowhere. With the champagne and the silk dress. But that was a long time ago and now you must pay the price for it. 

He changes the subject for you. ”Is Yuta treating you well?”

”Yeah, he's fine.” You had been staying with Yuta since it all happened, trying to stay as low as you possibly could in fear of the consequences of the lawsuit you got yourself in. Yuta had been nice enough to let you stay at his house, but you knew he felt a little guilty for guiding Jaehyun in that stupid plan. 

A man knocks on the glass door suddenly, signaling that your time is almost over, and Jaehyun's hold on your hand gets a bit tighter. 

”Promise me you'll come next time?” How could you say no when it hurts you just as much as it does him if you don't. ”Please.”

”I promise.” You say, squeezing his hand in return. ”I will do anything for you, Jae.”

That night when you lay down in bed you think back to the day he told you about the plan, how he held you in his arms as you cried. Back then you thought you would never feel  as miserable as that again. 

When you close your eyes you dream of lasagna leftovers, the taste of cigarettes on your lips and Jung Jaehyun with a gun on his hand.. 

#jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun smut #nct smut #nct scenarios #neowritingsnet #finally something longer than 1k! #hope u guys like #its a bit sad

[missbrightsky]

I didn’t know where else to go

Fics Masterlist

Previous Chapter

Chapter 11: Feyre

Prick: Meeting at the compound tonight, 8pm

Darling: I’ll be there. Any particular way you want me to arrive?

Prick: Well I’d never say no to you wearing a coat and nothing else

My vision turned red for a second, ready to tell him to go fuck himself and defeat Amarantha alone. Only my desire to protect my city from her had me texting instead

Darling: No smartass, I mean how do you want me to get there? I can’t exactly walk right in the front door.

A verbal lashing can come later, hopefully somewhere semipublic where I can berate him but not be too tempted to also make out with him again.

Prick: Oh

Prick: I can come pick you up

Darling: Fine, but only because it’s too cold to walk

A cold front had swept in the past few days, causing more leaves to turn brown and fall. The crunched underneath my shoes, a small satisfaction on my daily commute to work.

I gave him my address, cringing slightly that he now knew where I lived. Granted, he could find out on his own by tailing me. Azriel probably already had and passed the information along to him and he was only asking out of politeness.

Prick:  See you then, darling

A string of curse words streamed from my mouth, taking a slight edge off my frustration with him. Lucien looked up from his report, a worried look on his face.

Shit, I held up my phone, “Landlord problems,” I lied. A believable lie at least. Lucien knew where I lived and the landlord I had to deal with on a regular basis. You’d think being a cop would deter the man and force him into action, but Gabe cut from a gelatinous cloth of indifference and alcohol.

Lucien gave me a sympathetic look and went back to his work. The past two days, he had been in and out of the precinct tracking down his CI’s to see if they knew anything about the shooting at the docks. Anytime he brought it up, I forced my face to be carefully blank or vaguely lost in thought, as though I was perplexed too by who could have been behind it. Thankfully, most of the time Lucien was looking at a report or his computer when he talked about it. Even though it was my case too, I hadn’t done any real investigating on it yet. I would need to soon so that people didn’t start asking questions.

Throwing my phone back into my bag, I turned to my screen again, pulling up a search bar. My fingers hovered over the keyboard, poised to type in Amarantha. It would hardly be the first time I had Googled her name, but the precinct was a too public place to risk it.

The first time had been on the subway home from Rhys’s after I slept with him. All it took was her first name.

Search results: 502,000 for Amarantha Bast

The first link was a Wiki page (thank you internet). Clicking on it, I held my breath as it loaded (service was slow underground). The first thing I saw was her picture. Red hair pinned back in an elegant twist. Sensuous red lips twisted up in a small smile. But her eyes, it was her eyes that sent a shudder down my spine. Blacker than night, they absorbed all light, all joy, everything. Scrolling down, I scanned over the basic information, my eyes catching on her age.

Born October 14th, 1982

I counted backwards from the information Rhys gave me. She had been twenty-one years old when she took over Rhys’s country, holy fucking Caldron. What little warmth was left in my body disappeared. If she was capable of staging a coup at that age, what could she do now?

I continued down.

Queen of Hybern

Assumed Office February 3rd, 2000

Over twenty years ago, she wasn’t even eighteen yet. How the hell did she manage that? I skipped the rest of the basic information, wanting to read her bio.

Amarantha Bast was born to King Malcolm Bast and Princess Mara Bast on October 14th, 1982. Her mother died soon after the birth of her only child. Bast assumed her father’s title on February 3rd, 2000 following his death the month before. She was born in Hybern’s capital city of Zensa and continues to reside there to this day.

From birth, she was given the title of Princess Regent, poised to inherit the country on her father’s death. As such, from childhood she was educated in the laws of her country and how to lead upon his death. After assuming the title of Queen, she shut down the borders of her country citing that the Green Death, a variation of the Black Death, had broken out must be contained. It was the same disease that took her father’s life and a third of her citizens.

In a press release at that time, she is quoted saying “The loss of my father and my people have been a devasting blow for me and my country. It is in our best interests to close the borders until the disease is contained. When we have it [the disease] under control, we will consider reopening our borders for travel and trade.”

A few months after Bast closed Hybern’s borders, she also assumed control of a neighboring country, Illyria. In another press release, she stated “Due to the carelessness of some Hybern citizens, the disease had spread beyond our borders into Illyria. In the unsuspecting country, the disease spread like wildfire and has taken out the majority of government officials and a quarter of Illyrians. The prevent the collapse of their economy, I have annexed Illyria into Hybern so that we may share resources in these hard times.” Bast was hailed a public hero in Hybern, Illyria and other nearby countries for her swift and compassionate actions.

From what Rhys had told me, I knew the majority of what she said was bullshit. I had clicked on the link for Illyria, but its page was barebones. Since it had gotten annexed into Hybern, it seemed that most of its history had been erased or forgotten about.

I made mental notes to ask Rhys about his country when I next got the chance. I could do it over text, but the pain in his voice from his lost country and family made me think it was an in-person conversation. Maybe tonight after the meeting.

I closed down the web browser, instead, pulling up the report from the shooting. The file had barely grown in the last few days. Ballistics came back from the site. Your basic 9mm and handguns, fragments from a sniper bullet (that would be Az’s) and… blood. I had forgotten about that. Az had shot one of Amarantha’s men so that Rhys could getaway.

I pulled up the medical report. There had been no body, at least at the scene. DNA tests were still being run, if the guy was in the system, we would know by the end of today. Odds are that he was just some common criminal that got hired for the job. Another dead end.

I stood from my desk stretching and willing blood flow back to my legs. Lucien barely glanced up from whatever had him so entranced. I strode into the briefing room, scanning the board with the Veritas case on it. It was information I had gone over a thousand times in my head, with Lucien and the captain, with half the precinct but before, we were no closer to any answers. Now, I could look over everything with different eyes.

The kidnapping of doctors to find a way to stop the horrible disease that she could release on our country.

The raiding of warehouses to find where Amarantha was storing supplies and weapons.

Last night’s shooting wasn’t supposed to happen and then it was only in self-defense.

I heaved a massive sigh, feeling tired in my bones, in my soul. I was hiding things from my captain, from my partner. I was breaking the law every second of every day for an attack that might not even happen. Yes, Rhys and the others have found weapons they think might belong to Amarantha, but she could just be supplying local gangs. There has been no evidence, no sign of an imminent bioattack with that disease. I had also looked into the Green Death more, but little was known about it since Amarantha had shut down Hybern and Illyria borders so tightly, saying that it was too risky to release to the world’s doctors eager to study it.

More questions than I had mental capacity swirled around giving me a headache. I decided to let Lucien take point on this, staying in the background for as possible. I refused to destroy or alter any police documents but maybe I could give a heads up to the Veritas if anything pops up.

With one last look at the board, I walked out of the briefing room to mentally prepare myself for being in the same car as Rhys, even if it was for twenty minutes.

Next Chapter

#acotar #feyre #feyre x rhysand #rhysand #rhys #sjm #sarah j maas

[hellishvu]

Imagine BTS (maknae line): when they get interviewed about their crush

— this is an old post that i did on my wattpad, honestly this trend has passed but it is still SO DAMN CUTE so. and also since someone requested i do the hyung line i thought you people would want to read the maknae before i post the hyung line when im done with it. so yeah! this is old writing so beware! but enjoy and thank you for all the support with the requests i did not expect so many but you guys are amazing and im super excited with the ideas you sparked into me so!! 

Park Jimin: ˚✧₊⁎

"I should probably introduce myself right? Well I'm Park Jimin. I've been crushing or something on a person for.. a long time but that's not the point! I was told that this would be used as a documentary on idol lives." Jimin explained as he smiled feeling a bit shy about all this.

"If they lied to me about this I will be extremely mad!" Jimin said as he was obviously joking about the situation. The realization of what he signed up for just hit.

"Okay.. okay enough fooling around let's get this done." Jimin looked up and smiled directly at the camera.

How did you two meet?

"..." Jimin had fell silent as the blush rose up on his face. Jimin needed a second to think about the moment, the memory.

"We.. had met, through a club." Jimin announced as he tapped his foot. His voice slow to cause a dramatic affect.

"Okay I can't keep the dramatic effect." Jimin laughed going back to his normal voice.

"I was in a club with the members and I was ordering drinks and I wasn't feeling too well and so I didn't dance like usual and I was drinking lightly not wanting a massive hangover the next day." Jimin set the setting to the viewers and he did hand gestures to all the words that spilled out.

"It's.. quite a situation. So I was drinking alone, the members were out dancing and I didn't want to hold them up. So I was sitting by myself drinking my water and eating my chips. This guy comes up to me all of a sudden!" Jimin gets annoyed as he has to replay this moment.

"He's like flirting with me and I obviously don't want to do anything with him! So I'm like "yeah... uh huh... sure." Call me mean but I just had no intention of romantic feelings towards this guy!" Jimin explained as he put his hands up.

"So I was fairly getting annoyed, then... he came in. He said that he was my boyfriend." Jimin shivered in embarrassment.

"He was like "Hey baby do you want to go to the dance floor?" And at this time just telling you guys! I never had a boyfriend! So my eyes were basically popping out of its skull!" Jimin said.

"And then the guy wasn't convinced because well he was a drunk, so he said "Huh? I bet he isn't even your boyfriend." And I saw him get so cocky he grinned! He embraced me and I was caught up of what the fuck was happening and next thing I know he's lips are on mine!" Jimin screamed as he hid his face.

What was your first impression?

"Well.. his lips were soft, sweet and tender." Jimin said as he touched his lips feeling the emptiness of his.

"I- He tried to talk to me once the drunk man left but I couldn't hear a single thing so he dragged me to the bathroom, I thought I was going to have like a one-night stand or something because at this point he's attractive, he saved me from a unwanted drunk man."

"I really had to stop myself! I knew in my head that I shouldn't! Cut this out! Cu-" The video suddenly cut, putting the next scene.

"My first impression of him was that I found him bold, I never thought he would kiss me and he sorta acted like it was nothing after. He had said why he did it and he said sorry and I recommended we exchange numbers so I could give him like a reward for being nice."

Did you two get awkward after the kiss?

"No, we usually would laugh it off. He's honestly a really good guy. There was this time where I was so stressed with all this work load I had and it was late at night and everyone was asleep and I had texted him. In my head I didn't have much hope that he would be awake but he was. I just said to "call me" We had talked and I told him everything about how stressful it all was and he calmed me down and he spent like 3 hours just being there for me and he told me he was going come over but I told him he couldn't I wanted him to get sleep." Jimin smiled as he had held up the screenshot of the duration of that call.

"I found me staring at his eyes, his eyes held all the stars in the entire universe. Before sleeping I would always replay that kiss and how soft and sweet he held me. I don't know what's worse, not knowing what it's like to kiss your crush or knowing how the kiss felt but knowing you can't get it again." Jimin frowned as he had rubbed his eyes.

"We would go out and he would pick out things that reminded him of me and he'll do the cutest things that made my heart explode which he would find songs that reminded him of me and he would send them to me and they would be so soft. I have a whole playlist of just his song recommendations. He would buy me little gifts and one time I made sure he got a ticket during tour and he came and I saw him and he was wearing a Jimin t-shirt and he was so so so so so cute. He even got fast shipping of an Army Bomb since I told him he would go like 2 days before and it costed him so much money due to shipping. I imagine he's like my little cheerleader." Jimin showed photos of you two after the concert and the sweet things you would buy him, Jimin would have an whole album just called "Twinkle Y/N and Starry Jimin"

Jimin phone's rang as he apologized and answered it.

"Jimin?" "Y/N? I'm in a interview." "Oh! I'm sorry,, I just never knew my eyes were starry." "Huh?" "You know you should never think I would never kiss you again Jimin." "What!? How do-" "Jimin I'm watching it right now." "Please end my suffering now, you heard everything?" "Yes, you pumpkin. I would love to go out with you Jimin." "Pick me up at 8pm."

Kim Taehyung: ˚✧₊⁎

"Oh god, I'm really like in a buzzfeed interview aren't I?" Taehyung chuckled as he sat in the middle of the finding himself patiently waiting looking around the dark room.

"They told me this was for a like a love documentary so I'm trusting their word on it." Taehyung explained as he looked down to see the mic on his piece of clothing.

"Alright lets get this done." Taehyung smiled as the camera started rolling.

How did you two meet?

"I knew this question was going to come up." Taehyung said as he sighed trying to go back to that day.

"I met him, through a karaoke night. Sounds very cheesy considering I'm a singer but here we are. I was singing that night with some friends and I had started singing. A lot of the time we get a private room due to us being shy... but they were all out and we planned this night so we just publicly did our bullshit." Taehyung said as he gestured fake singing.

"It was my turn, and I had gotten up the stage and felt glares. I was actually really nervous due to how intense they were. Maybe they were drunk or something but I got up there and started to sing one of my favorite songs and I looked around trying to find a calmer face and then I met his.." Taehyung said as he did his classic box smile.

"He... was calming. I couldn't help myself not staring at him. We both found eachother staring the entire song and the song was a love song also.  After that I finished the song, I was going to walk to him and it was quite awkward but he was like honey and I wanted to get closer to him." Taehyung looked down at the ground smiling.

Have you tried to confess your feelings?

"I have. I really had this mental battle between me and myself. We got closer and we shared a same passion for something, I couldn't help myself from getting closer to him. It was nice seeing someone with the same desire for something as you do." Taehyung explained not looking at the camera much.

"So when you find yourself, seeing yourself possibly ruin a relationship. It's really scary, I found myself laying at night a lot just wondering if I should really tell him how I feel. Once I told myself to get it over with and tell him how I feel I later find out by one of my friends he was taken. So it really stung, my confidence and my overall mood went downhill. I had distanced myself from him, and overall just tried to get over him as a whole. Of course he was confused not knowing how I felt why I suddenly had this attitude shift I basically had to see him as a friend. Now I am fine with being friends but I know in the back of my heart that we could have been something more." Taehyung explained as he had a sense of hurt and cracks in his explanation. He had tried to hide it but everyone in the room could sense how much it actually affected him.

What is your favorite quality that he has?

"There has to be so many but I guess I can list one of them off." Taehyung thought about it for a moment before coming to a conclusion. Taehyung cleared this throat as he sat up straight.

"My favorite quality of his was that he was able to look outside of the normal. He was different from a normal perspective. He found things that I couldn't see. He found himself fighting society and overall him liking men was just a battle of society by itself. He wasn't afraid of being himself and even when he was at the lowest point of his time he always found a way to see a brighter side of things through all the darkness. Society saw a box but he would see more than just that, he knew when you felt bad, he knew what you had a small haircut. He was observant. I truly loved that about him." Taehyung said as he sadly smiled to himself. Feeling that he's gushing over a person that doesn't have the same feelings as he does. Taehyung saw all the people behind the cameras go quiet as Taehyung tilted his head.

"I truly did love him." Taehyung snickered as he felt himself cry. Taehyung didn't look up trying to fight the tears that was happening. His eyes burned and his vision turned blurry.

Last Question: What would you say if he was in the next room?

"I don't want to see him. Not like this." Taehyung admitted as he wiped his tears. The red puffy eyes that he had.

"He made a same video. If you'll like to see it." The director asked as Taehyung looked up and saw a screen being placed in front of him. The screen had you in the screen, the same set, same lighting.

"How do you feel about Kim Taehyung?"

"I.. It's a long story with that. I really like Taehyung. Not as a friend, that's why I broke up with my partner. I found myself thinking about Taehyung more than them. I just wish I had done it earlier. I want us to be something more. So Taehyung.. stop crying"

Taehyung looked up and saw the video was live. Taehyung sniffed and wiped his tears once again.

"Taehyung I love you."

"You can't do this to me now!" Taehyung covered his face as you had laughed through the screen.

"Stop crying." You frowned as Taehyung lifted his head from his hands.

"I love you god damn it." Taehyung the delicate feelings he had for you was finally being returned.

Jeon Jungkook: ˚✧₊⁎

"They told me this would be.. helpful for something!" Jungkook laughed as the cameras rolled, he was quite nervous for some odd reason and he found himself playing with his fingers. Jungkook saw the room completely empty.

"I.. What are you going to do with this anyway?" Jungkook asked as the cameras rolled. The cute little smile came back, Jungkook chuckled as to hide his nervousness.

"Alright.. lets get it." Jungkook said as he sat still having his cute little rings on.

How did you two meet?

"Oh gosh, it was so long ago but it feels like yesterday. I had to.. study, you know? I was trying to go to school and learn English and he was one of the ones at my school that knew it and could teach really well... so I took one of his little flyers and gosh,, I was so shy and nervous and I just kept putting myself down every second I couldn't say a word." Jungkook explained as he felt a tint of red on his ears. The heat burned up as he explained how he met you.

"But he.. was so nice? It was really refreshing to see someone that believed in me every second of the way. I found myself staring at him when he was teaching a new word or how the english grammar worked. I just found myself being fond of him, it was embarrassing when he caught me!" Jungkook covered his face as he bounced his foot on the leg stool.

When you knew you started to like him?

"Oh you guys are really just going for it.." Jungkook laughed to himself as he thought and he looked like a light bulb went off when he finally found a moment.

"There was this time, when we had.. been practicing all day due to the comeback and I had missed all day of classes but since his tutoring was afterschool I could make it. So I went so exhausted and my entire outfit showed, I had sweatpants and a hoodie and he noticed. He would ask me if I had enough sleep or if I had ate."

"Of course I had said yes so he didn't need to worry about me, I really been enjoying him teaching me and I didn't want to miss another lesson or class. So half way through the lesson I felt myself slipping in and out of sleep. I drank water to keep myself awake and nothing was working and in mid way of him just explaining the difference between words I fell asleep on his shoulder." Jungkook said as he had been embarrassed that he had let himself get that tired.

"Later I found out from him, that he took me home. He carried me out of the library that we met at and took the bus home, I had woken up at my bed, and I walked to my kitchen to see that he got me take out. I think I really.. fell for him at that point. He could have left me and just not given another though but he had made sure I was okay and I had meals..." Jungkook admitted as you could tell Jungkook thought about the male a lot, that he was grateful for the little things he did.

If you could dedicated one song to him which one would it be?

"Oh my! Come on guys! You really want me to do that!" Jungkook said as he had took out his phone from the permission of the directors. Jungkook chuckled as he clicked through his music playlists.

"Music.. I really cant express it in words of how much it has influenced me throughout my whole life, so just having a song dedicated to someone and that reminds me of them so much is special. It really means they are special to me." Jungkook expressed as he had click on some songs hearing them for a split second before clicking the next one.

Unfold - Alina Baraz & Galimatias

"I think finding someone that you can be safety vulnerable to and be complete yourself without holding yourself back is really beautiful and should be protected. With this song it talks a lot about this person unfolding and constantly feeling that this person constantly saying that they glow and this person can't help but feel okay to unfold their shell of defensive behaviors. That they can't control to fall in love with this person." Jungkook explained with hand gestures and found himself going really deep into a song that was close to his heart.

"This really connects to me and his relationship because he constantly makes me feel like Im glowing with the amount of care he gives me and how much he supports me and he's just not afraid of being there for me. Ahh... I sound so weird." Jungkook said as he felt the blush rise up again.

Last Question: what would you say to him right now?

"What- Is he here?" Jungkook's eyes widen as he realized looking around. The film crew snickering behind their cameras

"Did he hear what.. I just said about him?!" Jungkook got red all over his face as he had found himself covering his face once again.

"Jungkook." Jungkook heard as he looked at the camera man. He took off his hat and soon found out that it was Y/N. Jungkook got up and saw you walk towards him.

"No! You did not jus- You really- You set me up." Jungkook yelled at you as you got closer opening up your arms. You found him walking towards you hugging him. Jungkook mumbled a quiet sentence.

"What did you say?" You said a slightly chuckle leaving your mouth.

"I hate you." Jungkook said as you rubbed his hair.

#bts x male reader #kpop x male reader #bts imagine #bts #bts maknae line #bts jimin #bts taehyung #bts jungkook

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 4

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day91: I can’t post photos to the sister photo diary and it’s fucking me off. Using this as a place holder- last successful pic was 21/06/2020.

Day 92: Still awaiting Tumblr re: day 91′s entry. Meanwhile looking at other blog/diary sites. Very warm today, like it was throughout May. Boris announced a further relaxation in lockdown measures which includes reducing the 2m distancing instruction which paves the way for pubs, restaurants and other places to open on 4th  . It looks like the Ship will open 6th July, George on the 4th. I await to see the measures put in place before deciding whther it’s a goer.

Day93: Typing on day 94 - I received an email from Deryn from RCI HR concerning placement online module attendance, thanking me for my participation. I was somewhat confused. Was this a mistake or was I erroneously not icluded in the initial communications? I fired off an email to HR and WhatsApp’d Jim. He replied that I should take it up with HR.

I am worried by this. Furlough ends this week and I know not what the fuck is going on.

Day 94: Had a few beers last night, ‘cos I was feeling deflated over work. Finished Homecoming S2, which was very good, and cancelled Amazon Prime before the free trial ends tomorrow. Got up @midday but haven’t done jack shit today as my right ankle is playing up - it was twinging last night - apart from press ups. No word back from RCI but there was a notification that the email from Deryn was attempted to be recalled. Had a spat in Co-Op wth two lads who were ignoring the one way system and social-distancing. It makes my blood boil and I had to say something which ended up making my blood boil even more…especially as one of them asked me to ‘crack on’. It’s a pretty cool response actually, since I had them bang to rights but, at the time, I thought I was going to bust a blood vessel. I walked away having told him to not speak to me like that again and that he was a fucking arsehole! Didn’t make me feel any better though. Fog’s chatting later so I’m going to have a few beers right now (just gone 8pm) - I feel like throwing caution to the wind for some reason (probably work more than anything else).

Day 95: Typing on Day 96. I had a lot of beers with Fog the night before last and felt like shit all day yesterday. Still managed to drag myself up to Foggy’s and have socially distanced beers in his garden with Noel and Lord Irish of Michael.

Day 96: Feeling like shit. Third day of no walking ‘cos my ankle is a little sore although I did walk back from Foggy’s last night.

Day 97: Two walks and my usual stair climb today. Felt good to get back to routine. Plus, no booze yesterday, even tho’ it was a Saturday, feel better for it. I heard from Sue Cockings from HR on Friday, btw, still furloughed until further notice.

Day 98: I discovered, yesterday, that today is actually day 99 of lockdown since it actually begun on the Sunday evening that Boris Johnson announced the measures being in place - I mistakenly thought it began on the Monday. Tumblr still haven’t got back to me regarding reviewing why this blog is deemed ‘sensitive’ and I can’t add any more pics. While I am typing, Northampton are beating Exeter 0-2 at Wembley in the L2 play-off final. It’s funny that their fans can’t be there to see it. Football, in general, on its return after lockdown, without fans in attendance, is shit - like watching women’s football - too many empty seats.

Day 100: I have decided to number the days correctly (See prev’ entry). It’s a good time as I had to export , delete and recreate this blog on Tumblr since they have been non-forthcoming in my request for info as to why they deemed it ‘sensitive’. So, this is a restart, altrough seemless to the reader. On top of all that, I am writing this on Day 101! After restarting the blog diary I forgot to add the day’s entry! Bumped into Roger on my second walk, at the top of Basset Ford Place. We chatted for an hour or so. It was really good to see him and talk. We’ve made a promise to interact more...it seems both he and I allow ourselves to get down in the dumps (easy in self-isolation) and, as such, we shall try to reach out as and when. He suggested a walk together every now and then.

Day 101: I heard back from a charitable services company that Barry Haddon (who, coincidentally, I spoke with today) told me about (Auriga)and answered their email questions. BNarry rates them and told me they got him some decent results like he no longer has to pay Council Tax. I tweeted Chris Hawkes on Radio 6 this morning...he was asking for examples of sames names (’cos he had Dave Gorman on) so I told him about The Redlion and the ad the ‘other’ Tim put in the ET. He read it out! I created a photo album of 101 pics I’ve taken in lockdown and put it on FB including the Oundle Chatter group. The comments were great. My right eyesight is worrying, I cannot make out close up detail i.e. reading is blurred. I am going to start doing 10 press ups after each exercise i.e. three times a day. I decided that during my second walk so today I’ve done 20. Lastly, I have new neighbours I do believe. Hmmm.

Day 102: Emailed dad and Rita to have a rant about what dad thought of the Leicester lockdown and to share a link to my 101 photo album. Had a long Messenger chat with Rog.

Day 103: Typing this on day 104. Dad called when I was out ona  walk so we skyped when I got back. He looks really well! Advided me on how to cutt some branches that are hanging low (I asked him in the email yesterday). I then borrowed a saw, secateurs and green bin from Karen. I walked a long way today. My second walk was 9km.I then had loads of beers! The Co-Op car park seems to be the venue for youngsters to hang out. I was gone 2am before they finished partying. I (re)watched Steve Jobs. Wow....just wow. What a film and what a man!

Day 104: It was gone 1:30pm when I got up feeling the worse for wear. A chilli, chorizo and cheese omelette really sorted me out but no beer tonight. How my Saturday frame of mind has changed from just a few years ago. Elliot and Camilla dropped off a jar of japaenos (that Mil had WhatsApp’d me about) and, among other things, we chatted about a photo Tracie Garrett circulated featuring Ell, me her and a few others who met up to have a drink at The Haycock for Ron Gambling. In it was Cath and someone called Ross (who I don’t remember) who have both passed since the pic (July ‘99). I feel strangely saddened by it all. The pic itself is such a reminder of days past - it conjours up shit loads of different feelings.

Day 105: A few beers again last night so another late one (5ish) but up before noon. Finished watching a series called Condor. Pretty good - bit of a messy ending that is the norm with telly nowadays in that it is a little bit of a cliffhanger.

Day 106: The Ship reopened today. I left a nice message on the Virtual Pub group page wishing them the best plus said thanks to Rach. I think it will be the end of the laugh we’ve had on the virtual site now. I expect to go through a bit of a miserabel time with people now venturing out down the pubs.We were once all united in lockdown - that will no longer be the case. Met Rog for a walk - did over 7km oncluding through Barnwell Picnic Park - I don’t remember it being that pretty. defo going to go there again. Got an email from RCI asking for all furlough workers to join a Zoom meeting tomorrow with Paul (MD) and Deryn (HR). Ominous! Went shopping in Asda and Farm Foods. £100 with NO BOOZE!

Day 107: The zoom call today didn’t tell me much other than we are being furloughed still, until further notice. It was susggested that we have a zoom meeting every 2 weeks and that RCI recognise we’ve be left out in the cold somewhat. I appreciate that very much.There were 30 of us on the call plus Paul and Deryn were in the office since they had to make peopel redundant today. Mark was in the office earlier to take receivership of the IT kits from those that left.

Day 108: I am well on the way to doing 1,000,000 steps in theree months (July, August & September) but at what cost. I’ve done well over 11,000 steps each day in July (actually, a lot of days in June as well) apart from one (8k) and I am feeling it. My right leg/ankle is sore! Day 109: I had another mention by Chris Hawkins on Radio 6. He asked for Brian May moments - apparently when he met Brian May he was so starstruck that all he could say was ‘thank you for the music’. I tweeted my story of telling Felicity Kendall to have a good life. Today, both my walks have resulted in me getting fucking soaked. Hanna S2 is on Amazon Prime. Time for yet another free trial (number 4 or 5).

Day 110: I have walked 144,448 steps in 10 days, well on the way to a million steps in three months. The Heist of the Century - an Argentinian film based on true events - watched it last night (well, over two nights, actually). A real life Ocean’s Eleven (but with 6). Brilliant film, brilliat story. I had issues signing up to another Amazon Prime free trial last night so I set up another gmail a/c just now and I think I’m in. I used Danny’s Gmail (which I created over 15 years ago!) and it didn’t like it - I think I must have used it before. I reckon I have probably had loads more free trials than I care to remember. Anyway, off to watch me some Hanna!

Day 111: Very tired as I type. Bed at around 5am, up at 13:30, normal exercises, cleaning kitchen cupbaords and I’m done in. It’s 10:30pm now, just cracked open a beer and about to watch a new Netflix film “The Old Guard”. I would continue with Hanna but Amazon Prime keeps fucking erroring. I will try to go to bed before it gets light (which seems to be my w/e norm nowadays!

Day 112: I have got into the habit of eating dinner far too late. It’s 10:30pm as I type and I am just about to have something eat. I’m not sure why I feel it’s wrong to eat so late but I do, I shall be trying to address it. Late night again last night (gone 4:30am) so today was a lazy day. Only on ewalk but it was 10km and I get up the above 11,000 steps needed for the 1m challenge. My stair climb, at around 9pm, fucking killed.

Day 113: Boring Monday.

Finished watching The Old Guard on Netflix. A Highlander-esque affair with Charlize Theron kicking ass like she did in Atomic Blonde. It was OK. Haven’t manage to lick the late night eating. It’s 10:05pm and tea’s still cooking.

Day 114: I have been looking at planning persmissions on the ENDC site for questions posed on the Oundle Chatter group on FB. There’s going to be two sites with 130 new houses on each and it’s causing concern. And so it should - the planning docs are very revealing. Objections are dismissed in such an off-hand way. It’s really quite insulting. I was awfully down today, during my first walk. I mean, really despondant (too difficult to describe here), which is a lower version of the norm - it’s been a good couple of weeks since anyone’s even asked how I am! A week since that post on my main blog. But, I powered through and am back to the usual depth! I ate at @9:30 pm tonight. Told ya!

Day 115: I am typing this on Day 116 - I ended up hainga  couple of beers last night and forgot to post. I had the most ridiculous toing and froing on FB and Messenger with Rachel (Harris) - it was piss funny. She is the first person in days, actually weeks, who has asked how I am! I watched ep3 of Hanna S2. Absolutely superb. She kills Marissa! Did not see that fucker coming...mind blown! Day 116: I have finally finished the thorough clean of the kitchen. Fucking drama. I am typing at just gone 10pm, about to eat (curry I made yesterday). It’s been a strange day, timings wise, last night’s drinking meant I wasn’t up until just gone noon which obviously didn’t help. I had a call from DSM group - I applied for an IT tech role, they want to see me tomorrow (Friday) for an interview (in Sibson). Interesting! (Although the contact, Helen, hasn’t sent the promised email!)

Day 117: Despite not getting a confirmation email, I attended the interview at DSM. It went OK (I was there for 90 mins). I went booze shopping in Tesco’s afterwards. Spoke to dad today also - he and Rita are well, as usual! I am feeling really knackered and achy today. I do hope it’s not anything to worry about.

Day 118: Up at 1pm. 9.79 km walk. Cooking meatballs, drinking beer, listening to The Blaze about to watch Deepwater Horizon. All good today!

Day 119: Similar to yesterday, up late, bloody long walk, watching Saving Private Ryan (which I started last night).

Day 120: Typing on day 121. Received an email from someone that works at the BBC for Shaun Keaveny’s show - they want me to do small claims court on August 5th. I’m becoming obsessed with getting my steps in - my second walk was extended to round Barnwell Country Park - over 17.5k steps - not the most I’ve done in one day but, for example, most in one day last month (June) was 14.7k. More importantly, I am finding that I can walk further (and for longer) and not have a hypo; not a great deal further, but over an hour.

#diary #Tumblr diary #lockdown #covid19 #lockdownuk

[mousepatrol]

8.8.17

so the reason im not posting this on the correct day is because our power is out right now. I completely forgot, but our powers supposed to be out from 8pm to 3pm which is completely stupid because the sun goes down right at 8 so that’s when I would need to start using it. I mean, they could have done it at around midnight when all reasonable people are asleep, or at least ten, when people are usually done eating and theyre just hanging out. You know? Also Im using word for this so that’s why things are being autocorrected

so, my day. Trash galore, folks.

I turned off my alarm last night because I didn’t think it was doing me any good and I was getting worried that I was just making myself sleep deprived for when school starts, so I went to bed around 3 or maybe even 4 (cant even fucking remember why at this point, I didn’t have shit to do) and then I woke up at 1145. Could have been worse but also could have been a lot better. So I wasn’t that tired bc I hadn’t been woken up 120000 times and I managed to actually be awake for a while. I fucked around on the computer for an hour and then made some pasta because apparently I cant eat anything else anymore. My appetite is shit

I ate like… only half of my food before I had to get ready to leave bc my mom was having a showing of the house and that means I have to leave. So I decided I was just going to go to the gym oh but I forgot something happened while I was going downstairs to cook

I made a short textpost about this already but I ran into my mom (who was in my brothers bathroom and I therefore thought she wasn’t home) and she told me that my dad had cancelled the flight he had for when I go back to school. So basically he was going to come out with me and help me move in even though I told him I wouldn’t really need that much help this time, since I already have all of my stuff and my new place is furnished. But when I had just gotten home, he insisted, and so he booked a flight with me. Also my parents told me that my car should be low on gas when I put it in storage so it was and it turns out that’s completely wrong so he was going to help me with my car also. It needs to go to the shop too just for like oil and stuff

Um so yeah apparently hes the biggest baby ever and my mom still wanted me to apologize to him and I think I did a good job of telling her that no, I should not apologize for my tiny bad thing (telling my dad several times to be quiet in increasingly sarcastic ways, bc I was watching jeopardy and he would not stop talking and I cant hear it when hes talking bc bad ears) when he wont even apologize for calling me a piece of shit and running away upstairs and banging things around and making me scared. That’s not acceptable and even though I recognize that I could have handled it better, I think that my response of annoyance (after days upon days of him doing this same thing while I try to tell him to not) was reasonable and honestly the things I said caused no harm. I wasn’t making fun of him. I was ONLY making jokes that had to do with the clues and turning them into ways of telling him to be quiet because I cant hear. I did tell him more nicely to be quiet in the beginning though. I really did. But he just wont stop with this shit and I don’t have infinite patience, even though it’s a lot better than I used to be

Um so yeah. Ok I wrote that for the last paragraph, interesting. But I mean im not mad about him not going, its not like I wanted him there anyway and I knew it would make me very uncomfortable and he would have to get a hotel bc theres nowhere for him to sleep, but its still a bit jarring and frankly just awful that he did that instead of either telling me okay and being quiet or I don’t know, saying im gonna leave the room while you watch it then bc I cant be quiet. Either of those would have been fine but instead of thinking internally about the things he was doing, he projected stuff onto me and just called me a piece of shit. I don’t really know how you can do that as a parent. I cant help but critique him, but at least im not just insulting him. You know? Is that reasonable? Ugh. But anyway, turns out theres a 711 right next to the storage place so if my car is out of gas I can either use the tiny bit that’s left to get it over to 711 or just like get gas from there and bring it to my car. Either way it is possible. I also just need someone to pick me up from the airport but my mom said she would figure that out. So, really, im fine. It’s the circumstance that is just very upsetting, you know. Its just not something that needed to happen and now im mad/scared of him for the rest of the time im here and im just over it as hell

Ok… so I ate lunch and then got ready for the gym bc that’s where I was going. So I went and then I actually went to target first bc I was out of soap, so I got better smelling soap than the one I had last and some more conditioner bc I was also out and I got a pair of comfy shorts that are a little too small for my ass but ill make due because I need more than one pair of shorts. And those other shorts really don’t fit me, I cannot wear them out lol. Then I went to the gym bc it was arm day and that went pretty well and I did it pretty quick so it was tiring for sure. And I came back and had a nice shower and sang against me! Songs really loud because I got tickets to see them in October that Im really psyched about and I just want to listen to them more. Oh man I love laura jane grace she is just so wonderful omg I am so glad to have her in the community its wonderful

So after all of that I went downstairs to get the rest of my pasta that I had put in the fridge, and it was like 6pm and I realized I probably didn’t want to be downstairs tonight so I also got some crackers and cheese and fruits snacks and extra water because I wasn’t sure if I was going to get to eat again (I probably only ate 500 calories today im upset L). So then I went upstairs to eat and I watched the great british bake off which is really nice and I quite like it a lot. Its calming and fun. After that I did a reply because dex replied to two of my threads today so I got one out for him since I want to get that thread going, aaaand about thirty minutes after that the power went off at eight. I had seriously forgotten about that so I don’t know, I kind of just accepted my fate

Im not really sure what exactly happened there, because I felt like I was fine before (was legit browsing dildos online lmfao like I was just bored yknow) but when the power was out I got kind of upset and just… took my plush cow and sat on my bed as the sun went down and just. Stared. Catherine, bless her fucking heart, texted me after like 30 minutes out of the blue so I luckily I had her to talk to for at least a little while. I was feeling shitty before yeah now that I think about it, after my shower I was upset and felt like I was gonna cry but I didn’t and I just sent james some snaps and he said he was gonna text me but he didn’t and that’s ok I think he went to bed because he didn’t open my other snaps. Its ok. He doesn’t need to contact me every minute for me to know that he cares. I love him so much and I sent him a quick text just to tell him that because I always do that when I feel bad just because eventually he replies and it always makes me feel good.

Ok so I cried like two times between eight and nine thirty when I was just sitting there, laying on my bed and texting Catherine about when school starts. I just felt really down because I remember having to turn the lights off around ten and it doesn’t really get a lot darker than it does in the summer at eight (I mean ten during schooltime when I was younger) and I just remember not having any light and no one to talk to or text and I couldn’t read and my parents would lock my computer out at ten so I couldn’t talk to anyone and I just remember being very very lonely and feeling like no one cared about me and not being able to talk to the people that I felt like truly did care about me. So I remember doing a lot of crying in bed in the evenings when I was like 12-16 and its just really sad, you know? i would cry myself to sleep a lot and all I could do was lay there and listen to music because ive always been really bad at sleeping so it would never come at ten even if I really wanted to sleep then. It just didn’t happen. So sitting there in my bed tonight just made me feel like this little kid trapped in this room and I cant go downstairs because im scared of people being bad to me and I cant go out and in my room I have to sit in the dark and its just all very bad. I forgot about all of that. Im an adult now and I can have the lights on when I want but I guess its upsetting for me to not be in control of that

Come to think of it, its also very upsetting when people tell me to go to bed. I talked to this one girl in my rp a lot (she doesn’t talk to me that much now, she talks to another person, I don’t know why and I do feel lonelier now but I guess she wasn’t that nice to talk to anyway so im alright) and if I was up when she woke up (8hhr time difference) she would spam me messages telling me to go to bed and I already knew my schedule but she wouldn’t shut up. I don’t know, that’s just something

Also I hate hearing people say my name. it makes me flinch every time and I think someones going to scream at me. I think that’s half the reason I wanted to change my name when I was going through gender stuff. I just didn’t want to hear that name anymore. Which is sad. Because I do love it, and maybe its not so bad when im not in this house bc its just my parents voices saying my name that really bothers me

So after 930 I went downstairs and got a candle and brought it up and I did a bit of drawing but it got annoying after about half an hour. At some point my dad came to my door and said something that I didn’t understand, so I didn’t say anything and he went away. Then I read catcher in the rye for about an hour (only got through like 35 pages) and now im writing this entry on whats left of my computer battery. Im charging my phone off of this just so it has power, since it was dying, and it looks like I have at least part of an episode of skam saved onto here so I guess im just going to watch that until I fall asleep because I always fall asleep to youtube videos. Im going to have to download some movie or something onto here so that I have that to fall asleep to in case if something like this happens again. Ok I know this was long but theres a lot of good stuff in there so hopefully this will help in therapy or something later. Things are really rough mentally right now and I just want to go home, you know. Ive wanted to go home for absolutely years, though. Idk where home is. bye

#strong blogs #8.8.17

[saint-laura-lucy]

05:38am friday 14th december 2018

so after talking to my mum about leaving uni today, i confessed my feelings of failure and that i really did want to stay and do well. my mum told me to be honest with my tutor so i emailed her and told her that i couldn't sleep at night so missed lectures in the day, had bad mental health and was behind in work so i wanted to drop out. she told me i could wait and speak to her in january. i messaged Charity and asked her about the work. she had been as behind as me, and told me she had caught up on a everything apart from the website module and the computer graphics module. she also offered to send me her essay and help me on mine. i feel quite positive and as though maybe i can do it. maybe i can finally push myself after all.

the day before yesterday, i slept for 6 hours, waking up at 9pm, and then yesterday i couldn't sleep again so i tried to stay up as long as i could. i was aiming for 10pm but at 8pm i gave into my body as my eyes were shutting and i couldn't focus on anything to keep me awake. i was awoken at 1am by niss, extremely drunk outside a club telling me he loved me so much and really wanted me to go back to uni because he loved me so much. i was pissed off. i stayed up all fucking day. i made it. i was asleep. he woke me up in the middle of a really good dream. i told him i was really annoyed and pissed off and he could hear it in my voice but when he was telling me how much he loved me it melted my heart a little bit and i did tell him i loved him too. a lot. but he kept me on the phone for too long. i told him that i was tired and i need to sleep but he wouldn't listen and kept rabbiting on in a drunken trance. after at least 15 minutes he finally let me go, i mean yeah i was pissed but i cant exactly hang up on him when he's telling me that kind of shit and its actually melting my cold heart, can i? then, like less than 5 mins later, he's ringing me again but i cut it short to a couple of minutes when i tell him im really tired i need to sleep in a firm voice. its one of the things that pisses me off about him though. he doesn’t listen to me really. but if i do go back to uni, im gonna have rules that he needs to stick to. like, not ringing me in the middle of the night, not staying over in weekdays, cant be at my flat all the time because its too distracting and i need my own space. and most of all, never to be violent again. that's a major one. im not trying to get killed. on the whole, he needs to listen to me. being autistic, i have a hard enough time expressing myself and my feelings due to anxiety, and not knowing how to properly do it. and when i do it, i need to be listened to. 

the past few days I've realised that maybe its time to start embracing my diagnosis of autism and stop trying to mask it all the time. ive basically decided that its quite ridiculous to hold myself to neurotypical standards, when i am not neurotypical. i’m gonna stop caring so much about what people think and just be myself, i mean i don't exactly fit in that well anyway, so what's the point letting it worry and stress me out all the time that people are gonna think im weird or whatever. i am weird. so what. if you don't like it then fuck off. im gonna put more energy on keeping myself healthy. making sure i eat something at least, even if it isn't that healthy and going out more. but most of all, getting work done and staying off drugs.

#autism #aspie #bpd #blog #thoughts #me

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 5

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day 121: I received a call today about an interesting job with a firm called Liquibox - they need someone to source all the apps used by a company they’ve just bought and then decide how to incorporate them into their IT standards - not disimiliar to app testing at RS for Y2K. Another 17k+ steps today although when I ventured out on my second walk, I quickly had to wolf down some jelly beans! Didn’t stop me doing 8km. I WhatsApp’d Karen today to see what Dan’s doing for his 30th. He’s off to France. Just that brief comminique serves to remind me that it’s been about 3 weeks since anyone (apart from Dad & Rita) has asked after me without it being an after thought (even then the question’s been posed less than half a dozen times). It feels awfully lonely! I guess, somehow, I’ve made my own bed.....

Day 122: I have an interview for the Liquibox job. It’s a MS Teams one with the recruiter, in two day’s time (Friday) at 9am. I had haggis for tea, with loads of veg. A really nice change!

Day 123: Badge contacted me via Messenger to ask how I was. First person to do so, as a forethought in at least three weeks. Good ol’ Badge. Been mostly preparing for tomorrow’s interview today so not quite as far, walking wise, just 14k steps! Spoke with dad today, he’s OK as usual. Also spoke with Karen via WhatsApp (asking about whether I have to wash brand new bedding - any excuse to contact, really) and then saw her gardening - the front garden at 10, Ashton Road does look really good!

Day 124: Typing on day 125. Online interview with Bigred recruitment for the role at Liquibox. It went well but, as always, who knows? I didn’t gear back from DSM about my (other) interviews as they promised. Just reaffirms my rule, after every conversation re: job hunting, forget about it. In fact, I saw the job advertised again (but, this time, MCSE is a requirement), I sent Karen a message to see if, maybe, she fancied a few beers. Her reply was a little sad, she’s feeling very down and is worried about Dan and how he is coping with life after splitting with Grace. Coincidentally I saw Dan today. It was great bumping into him and I am going to make more of an effort to keep in touch. Usual Friday night for me. Lots of beers, pizza, films (Lucy and The Big Short) and a fucking late night! Day 125: As I type, I am knackered. 15 km today. Dad called while I was on my first walk, to see if I’d heard from DSM. I told him no but, also, that I wasn’t that bothered.

Day 126: More epic walking and am going to have a beer tonight - I have a hankering despite it being Sunday. I watched Moneyball last night. Flipping good. 2011 it was made. Fucking 9 years ago! Rick and Vic got engaged today!

Day 127: I am typing this on day 128. I got up late for a weekday - beers last night did the trick. If I drink, I am never in bed before 4am! I still managed an 8 mile walk! Received a call while walking from the Bigred recruitment chap about the Liquibox job - it was a no.

Day 128: Normal day - lots of walking. I have started watching ‘Good Girls’ on Netflix. Pretty good.

Day 129: Typing on day 130. I had to be up for the plumber coming round so I was up and showered by 8:30am. What this means is I managed three walks today (over 13 miles). I am also developing a rather odd pain in my right lower abdomen (not disimilar to the appendictis feeling earlier in ld) and a movement-restricting pain in my upper right arm - I and sincerely hoping it’s not the shoulder. I really do not want another frozen one. So, I didn’t manage a last set of push-ups after the last walk.

Day130: Typing this on day 131 (there’s a pattern emerging here). Went shopping at Asda - £106! I only went for a few things FFS! Had a few beers round Karen’s and continued when I got home at 10:30pm-ish.

Day 131: I am typing this at 3pm. I have been up for two hours and done fuck all. Just watch the last episode of Friends - so that’s the end of that 5-6 month binge session. I realise that I had seen pretty much every episode before but not that last one so Ross and Rach finally getting together was a nice surpise. David Schwimmer is the fucking star of that show - how many times did I pause and rewind comedy clips of him. He is fucking hilarious in Friends. After toast and coffee and energy drink, I finally feel up to a walk even though Alexa has just informed me its 32 degrees C!

Day 132: Very late one last night (4:15am) but up about midday. Long, long walk (11km) including a long chat with dad. As I type this the FA Cup is just finishing. So weird the final in August at Wembley with no crowd.

Day 133: I have done jack shit today. I’ve tweaked my ankle. I did watch the British Grand Prix and viewed TikTok way too much.

Day 134: My ankle still feels like there’s an issue but I went ahead and did a 9km walk and usual stair climb. It’s felt study enough but I need to be careful. After sitting for a while, I can feel it tweak when first walk on it. I saw El today and he was mentioning the pub visits he’s had since ld relaxed, and who with. It reminded me that, since I won’t go out until I can be sure it’s safe, I should get used to a long, lonely time. It has put me in a very somber mood. I am feeling very isolated.

Day 135: Town Hall at RCI to which furloughed staff were invited. It was all about the rebranding including the new business ‘Panorama’ and the new RCI brand. It was all very positive. I still wonder, though, what is going tp happen about furloghed staff now RCI haev to contribute to the Government retention scheme (since 1st August. Today is the 4th) but today was never going to be about that. The positivity plus the ‘no news is good news’ has put me in a little better frame of mind than yesterdya, but not much. Two long walks today even though the right ankle still twinges every now and then. Also, this pain I am having in my right arm is not getting any better. It doesn’t stop me doing anything but is painful if I have to reach up over shoulder height. I’m meant to be on the radio tomorrow (see Day 120)...it’s a strange feeling of anticipation!

Day 136: Well, I was on the radio, Shaun Keavney’s ‘Small Claims Court’ feature on his BBC Radio 6 Music day time show. It was fun! It is interesting, the process I went through before appearing (see main blog). It’s such a big thing for me (or, I guess, anyone who is asked to appear) but, in a flash, it’s over and the moment is resigned to obscurity. It means so little to absolutely everyone apart from me!

Day 137: Video chatted with Dan (30th birthday) - he went to Brighton and was on it when I spoke with him (before midday!), sat in a ‘noncey restaurant’ as he put it. He’s gone with Jonah and his girlfriend. I do hope he makes the best of the day. I rang dad today as well (Thursday is Rita’s family stuff day so it’s a good time to call dad). He was his usual self, unfazed and healthy. It’s really rather reassuring talking to him. It’s really hot and humid today so both walks have resulted in a lot of sweat! I have just arranged to go and have a drink up Foggy’s tomorrow evening before he wanders over the pub. I can’t wait, I’m so bloody lonely!

Day 138: Typing this on day 139. I had a great evening at Foggy’s. Great food (bbq) and great company. Home by half past midnight, in bed before 2am so an early night for me on a Friday but a bloody good night.

Day 139: Up at midday-ish. Lazy day. My arm is a major concern now. I think it is a frozen shoulder but, I think I should lay off the press-ups for a day or two, just to see if they are the cause.

Day 140: Similar day to yesterday...lazy and no press-ups.

Day 141: I went to bed at @3:30am last night, wtf! Up at 10:00am so not bad. Watched a film called The Assistant. It’s a strange one - fuck all happens yet i really liked it! Karen WhatsApp’d - she wants me, her and Dan to have a meal for his 30th. That’s great, but she suggested going out - I just wonder if people really do have a grasp that the pandemic is still happening! However, and in mitigation, she also suggested a meal round hers which I (obvs) plumped for. It is a very nice gesture and invitiation - means a lot.

Day 142: My arm seems to be getting better by not doing press-ups. I am on track to complete 1,000,000 steps by around the end of the month, so 2 instead of 3! Because it’s so blooming hot right now, I have taken a walk in the evening (8-9pm ish) which has allowed me to take some pics of stunning skyscapes, as I’ve decided to call them. Started to watch the American version of the office. It’s OK.

Day 143: I have been having pain again in my abdomen (see day 28) so I contacted the surgery and ended up in a video conference with Dr. Powell. Turns out it is most likely constipation! Movical it is then! Seriously fucking hot today (this week).

Day 144: Typing on day 145. Went round Karen’s and had a meal with her and Dan one week after his 30th. It was good. Dan left by 8pm and I left at 9pm but carried on drinking at home while watching Netflix comedy specials of John Mulaney live (fucking funny). So, a late, drunken midweek night hence not penning this diary on the day!

Day 145: Up at midday, shopping at Tesco’s and Asda, very late walk 9:15pm by the time I got home - it was too dark to see the cowpats by the river! Today, the two semifinals in the world snooker were both classics; Kyren Wilson beat Anthony McGill 17-16, Ronnie O’Sullivan beat Mark Selby by the same score. The snooker is weird with no audience - those two scorelines deserved some people there to witness them, amazing snooker!

Day 146: Day 147 as I type - completely forgot to make the entry. I went to bed at nearly 6am but was up at noon. Walked over 11 km! Watched Zodiac, drank late (again!)

Day 147: day 147 and also the day of the world snooker final which was rather a damp squib; Ronnie whooped Kyren Wilson 18-8. I received notice yesterday that I’m being charged with the speeding offence on 23rd April. Bollocks.

Day 148: No amazing interludes to report today. Day 149: Same as yesterday...walking mainly. 17,000 today, 244k for the month.

Day 150: Foggy’s birthday. I am just about to go to his for a quick beer before he goes to the pub. At the moment I have a chilli on the go and have cracked open a can. It’s all happening!

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