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bbyboybrock--archived · 4 years

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The Box [Part 2] (Colby Brock Imagine)

Summary: *REQUEST* PART 2 OF THE BOXXXXXX (please and thank you 🥺) [Read Part 1 of the Box here]

Written: 2020

Word Count: 1,536

Warnings: Stockholm Syndrome, angsty??, kidnapping, unhealthy relationship, mention of sex, manipulation

Masterlist

It would be my luck that a global pandemic that resulted in the world shutting down for two weeks would happen right after I got kidnapped. At first, I thought that I was lucky. The guys couldn’t move to Hawaii anymore, which means I could probably escape. Then I found out that the whole moving to Hawaii thing was a joke. They were just moving to a house with a backyard so tropical that it looks like Hawaii. I should have known that they wouldn’t just abandon their lives in Los Angeles like that. Especially with Sam and Jake dating Kat and Tara, who were going to stay here.

They still decided to move during the lockdown. Which worked out in their favor, if I’m being completely honest; Sam, Colby, and Jake got a big moving van for their bigger stuff because they lived in the same building and could share the space. That gave Colby more room in his car for me. I got put into the trunk because everyone decided that it was less suspicious than Colby driving around with me blindfold in the passenger seat. They didn’t want me to know how to get to the new house or the address. For a group of guys who collectively share one brain cell, they’re not stupid when it comes to committing a felony. I’m pretty sure Colby drove around longer than he needed to just to throw off my sense of direction and how far away we are from the apartment.

Two weeks turned into three months of this bullshit lockdown. I almost got lucky when Sam broke his back. I was left Corey and Jake and I thought would be easy because I could appeal to their sympathetic side. Sadly, that didn’t work. I was halfway out before they caught on and dragged me back to Colby’s room.

I say Colby’s room, even though it’s our room because sometimes I don’t feel like I belong here. At least, not at first. Colby moved in some of my stuff into the room so I would feel at home. But being taken here against my will, and finding out that Colby stalked me before we met, takes out of the homely feeling of living with your boyfriend. But the more I'm stuck here, the more it starts to slowly feel like home.

I will say that I’m glad that Colby hasn’t forced himself on me. He understands the gravity of the situation and isn’t making it worse. I now get monitored internet access, which I didn’t have before, and I’m allowed to make YouTube videos now. Colby edits them to make sure I don’t upload subliminal messages. He’s also got me a lot of hobbies that don’t require the internet or social media to keep me occupied while he works and leaves the house. He got me a Nintendo switch with a few games. He put it on parental mode so I can’t go on twitter or anything. He’s been getting me art supplies and stuff so I can be creative. If I want to get anything with my money, I just tell him and he either orders it for me with my card or watches me shop.

If I’m being completely honest, this isn’t as bad as I made it out to be at first. While I mostly don’t feel like this is my home at first, the more I stay here the more it feels like it is becoming my home. I almost don’t want to leave. If the people in my life before Colby gave up so easily when I started talking to them less, then they weren’t really in my life in the first place. My parents didn’t like the idea of me moving to LA when I was 18, but I wanted to be an actress so I left. It was almost like they were rooting for me to fail every time I called home with news about failed auditions. They were happy when I did land roles, but they would always remind me that it didn’t mean I was going to make it. My friends back home were even less supportive, never believed that I was going to make in the first place. I’m pretty sure one of them started a rumor that I was a porn star just to make ends meet. Maybe Colby coming into my life was for the best.

At least I’m not stuck with just the boys 24/7. Tara and Kat would come over every once in a while to hang out with their boyfriends, and I quote, “to give me a break from dealing with the testosterone.” There have been a few times when the whole friend group got together for a party. Those were fun. Despite all the limitations, this situation isn’t all too bad.

“Hey babe, I’m back and I got you some stuff,” Colby says as he walks into the living room. I don’t have to be confined to Colby’s room anymore with a chain on my ankle. I have an anklet that shocks me if I get too close to the edge of the property. It sounds scary and a but I know he does it because he loves me. I don’t really want to leave the house anyway, with the pandemic still going on out there.

“Oh yay! I’ll wait for you to get out of the shower.” I save my spot in animal crossing and continue playing while Colby goes to decontaminate himself from the outside world.

Five minutes later Colby comes back out of the shower in sweats and dripping wet hair. He has a towel around his neck and slowly starts to dry his hair. I quicksave again before shutting off the game to give my undivided attention to Colby.

“You can go through the bags. I’m still wet and don’t want to ruin everything. You can also put the snack stuff in the mini-fridge.” There’s an unspoken rule in the house if you don’t keep it in your room or put your name on it, it’s fair game. So Colby pulled the mini-fridge out of storage to keep my food in the room when we first moved in to keep me happy with the food that I love.

“Was it crowded? You were gone for a long time today.” I grab the bag with stuff from the grocery store and start putting it away first.

By the time I finish Colby is fully dressed and his hair is mostly dry. He going through the remaining bags. I close the fridge and join Colby in the bed. Looking back at Colby now, with his stop blue eyes and steadily growing stubble, I feel bad for how I reacted when the whole thing started. I said mean things to him, things I didn’t mean at the time. I was just scared and mistook his kindness and affection for general creepiness. This is still the same Colby that I fell in love with before I found the box in his office closet.

“It wasn’t that crowded today. I think that everything calmed down from how it was earlier this year. I just made a lot of stops on my way home. I got us lunch too, by the way. Anyway, I know you’ve been getting bored so I got you a few hobbies I thought you would like.” He dumps a bag full of yarn and knitting needles.

“Is this for what I think it is?” I pick up the various colors and marvel at them.

“I noticed how much your eyes light up every time we watch Harry Style’s Today Show performance. And I also saw the look in your eye when you saw people making it on TikTok. So I looked it up and found the actual stitch pattern thing. I thought you would have fun making your own. And then I just got a few things for you to up-cycle your clothes you’ve been watching a lot of those videos. And some tie-dye that we can do together. And a plant to brighten up the room.” He’s trying so hard to make me happy. And it’s working.

“Oh my God! You didn’t have to get me all this stuff. I could have gotten them online or something. You’re so sweet.” I throw my arms around him and kiss his cheek.

“I know this whole situation has been unbearable and not pleasant in the beginning. But you’ve been such a good sport with all of this. I wanted to thank you for being patient and willing to let me in again. I truly do love you, Y/N, and just want the best for you.” He pushes my hair behind my ear and cups my face.

“I know, I’m sorry for freaking out when I first found out. I didn’t realize that you were only looking out for me. I love you too, Colby. I won’t try to leave again, I promise.” And I mean it. I don’t have any reason to leave. I finally have someone who loves me and went this far to prove it, why would I want to?

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x--daughters-of-darkness--x · 4 years

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'Like water in the desert': Evanescence's Amy Lee on making music and 'The Bitter Truth'

MANILA, Philippines – Most of us know Evanescence for bringing gothic rock to our young ears in the early 2000s particularly with songs like "Bring Me to Life" and "My Immortal" off their debut album Fallen.

Now it's been over 17 years since that album was released, and 9 years since the band came out with their last studio album – but we still sing their songs and they haven't stopped making music.

The band is set to release a new studio album, The Bitter Truth, dropping their first single from that album, "Wasted on You" in April, while under quarantine.

Frontwoman Amy Lee said that they were recording the music for "Wasted on You" until they couldn't go into the studio anymore, and continued to work on it remotely through file sharing and phone calls – which seems to be how many musicians have been working these days. Even the song's music video was filmed while the band was in quarantine.

Amy said that working on the song "has been like water in the desert" for her, a light in the darkness of the pandemic.

Evanescence has said that it will be releasing new songs from The Bitter Truth little by little this year, culminating with the release of the full album – though no dates have been set yet. It may be a little too much to hope for, but they also plan on going back on tour as soon as conditions permit.

As the band continues to work on the new album, Amy tells Rappler a little bit about how the album came about, and how she's keeping creative under quarantine.

What led up to the making of The Bitter Truth? When did you first decide to release a new album?

We decided when we were making Synthesis that making a new album would be next. After we finished the orchestral touring we got back into rock mode and started playing lots of shows- getting into the spirit and loving it. We started getting together to intentionally write together in between the tours in the spring of 2019. Touring can get monotonous, and make you crave new material, writing can drive you insane, and make you crave touring. We started this process of inserting writing between the tours to keep it all fresh and exciting.

What was it like to work on the album remotely? Was it a big adjustment for the band? Did you have to compromise on anything because of the technical constraints?

We’re still not done! We had to finish the recording and mixing of the first batch of songs remotely — nearly all the recording was done but I had to finish the vocals on a song so Nick Raskulinecz, our producer, sent me home with the microphone, preamp and compressor we had been using in his studio. I dropped it back off to him along with the hard drive in the parking lot of the studio. Crazy times.

How are you staying creative while in lockdown? Do you have any tips for other creatives – musicians or otherwise – for keeping the ideas flowing even in quarantine?

I’ve been cooking more, making my own bread, and pulling out old recipes from my grandmothers. Doing things the long way because I can, hunting for frogs and doing science experiments with my son, I spent one day making about 50 of my own tiny samples from different keyboards and then built a little song out of it that I’m not going to use for anything. Allowing this time to be a free pass for creative experimentation, and also taking days where I don’t try to make anything. Just let my brain and heart rest, because there is unavoidable stress and anxiety that goes along with this moment in time.

What can we expect from this album as a whole?

I think whatever you’re expecting, you will both get it and not get it. The songs are all different. I want this album to show all of our sides, really, but most importantly I want to create without thinking too much about what I want it to be, and just let it be what it is. There’s definitely a little bit of a 90s, grungy alternative thing emerging which is lovely, that’s a return to roots for me in the most honest sense since that’s the music that inspired me so much in my formative years.

I'm having fun with keyboards and sound effects and haven’t wanted any real strings yet. We’re all feeling a lot of feelings right now so I’m looking forward to seeing what this next batch will become.

#Amy Lee #Evanescence #2020 news

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bathunterofdevon · 4 years

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Update

So I might as well give some commentary on my cryptic last post. Basically, I have had to fly back to the UK immediately due to the coronavirus - cutting my Canada trip short. I have had a wonderful time living and working in Collingwood, Ontario, and I made plenty of good friends. But after getting laid off, due to the place closing down, and being unable to pay the rent, I was actually pretty lucky to get back here when I did. I have heard stories of family friends being stranded in many far away places unable to get back, due to airport closures. I am a little upset that I had to leave Canada - there was so much I wanted to do there. But in all honesty, working the minimum wage job I had, much though I enjoyed it, I never would have been in any position to do anything else beyond that point. It sure is expensive being an immigrant. When I came over to Canada, I have over £3,000 in life savings that I had stashed away. But in the very first month, I lost all of it; just by looking for a place to live. (This was when I was in Toronto). Toronto is a pretty expensive place to live. It's so expensive - I swear there is a tax on the oxygen you breathe over there. I worked a shitty job over there for the first three months, as a server... except, not quite. What I did was basically like serving food, except I only did menial tasks that that were beneath the main service staff, like cleaning tables, and the floor. I didn't even get to collect tip money. And three months later, I was suddenly fired for some minor indiscretion. I won't talk about it here, because I'm a little worried that if I tell you, you might not take my side. But basically, if you have a job in Canada (and I found this out the hard way) for the first three months, you are on a kind of probationary period. You can be terminated immediately during that time with no notice whatsoever. That devastated me more than a little, because I had never been fired before. It ate into my psyche and made me wonder if I would ever really amount to anything, and whether I would have to give up and fly back early. Fortunately, after that, it turned out that I had a contact, who was a friend of a friend of my mother, who worked further up north, in this little resort by the Blue Mountain Ski Range, in Collingwood, Ontario, who managed to get me a referral for working at the front desk over there. I did a FaceTime interview, and accepted the position. Working at the resort was wonderful. Not only did I get given accommodation, but I had staff lunches, and basically all of my immediate needs were seen to. Best of all, my staff accommodation was ten times better than the last place, where I lived. I had a room all to myself, with a desk and everything. I had the resources and time schedule I needed to work on my Youtube videos all the while I was having off time from working at the front desk. After 11 whole months, I finally finished Dirty Danganronpa, while out there and breathed a sigh of relief. That sure took a lot of energy out of me. I had some troublesome flatmates though. I say troublesome, because they were difficult and unreasonable at times. They could be really unreasonable when it came to cleaning the dishes... and I later discovered that they were not equally unreasonable when it was THEIR turn to clean up after themselves. While I was initially friendly towards them, in the months gone by, I was avoid them as much as possible, because it was tricky talking to them. It was for the best that we became isolated from each other. They were nice to me at times, and I was grateful for their company at times - but their moods were often unpredictable and transient, which made me feel unsafe and unsure as to whether I could trust them. The whole time, I reflected on my status as a foreigner, and how much more useful it would be if I had a skill of some kind, and if only I had finished my driving test before I came there. Thinking about my real life situation was enough to drive me into a deep despair and self-pitying fest that would leave me feeling too exhausted and miserable to produce anything. But it wasn't all bad. I still have some positive memories of that place. I did leave a good lasting impression with my employer. And while I did eventually lose my job, unlike last time this one was not my own fault. Everybody was getting laid off, left, right and centre. And the resort itself, incidentally has closed down indefinitely. It is astonishing how far-reaching the effects of the virus have proved. I never would have predicted this level of hysteria before - I'm old enough to remember the Bird Flu, the Swine Flu, the Zika Virus, and Ebola... all I remember of those, was nothing more than there being a huge media craze; even some Youtube stars talking about them, besides a couple hundred thousands of deaths too far away for any of us to know or care. But... this was different. To be honest, though it may sound heartless of me to say this, part of me is actually excited at all the chaos that's happening. The world is in full-blown panic mode. And now government and health ministers are advising everyone to self-isolate. I just want to let these government officials and everybody else know, that I had been self-isolating long before it was fashionable. Else I would not have found the time to make these. Anyway, the day finally came when we all heard the announcement - the owner of the resort was laying off virtually everyone in the housekeeping/maintenance/front desk department, and we were being faced with a choice - either I would have to work in a different (less glamorous) department, like maintenance, or cleaning, or I would choose voluntary redundancy, and claim unemployment benefits. For me, it was a no brainer. I don't have the brain, nor the mentality to do menial, repetitive tasks like painting, and cleaning. In spite of the fact that I have worked for years in MacDonalds, and in restaurants doing tasks like that. But considering everything that was going on, I had a chat with my Mum and Dad, and they insisted that I fly back home as quickly as possible. I was reluctant to do so at first. I didn't want to throw away everything for which I'd worked so hard to achieve. It was meaningful that I was living entirely by my own means, and providing for myself. I basically wasn't a kid anymore. And I didn't want to put an abrupt end to that. But then, everything changed. Dominic Raab (The UK Government's Foreign Secretary) basically told all Brits abroad to return home as soon as possible. By then, I figured I ought to get back as soon as possible, so that I didn't end up stranded with nowhere to live. Officially, the UK is under lockdown due to the virus. But honestly, based on what I've seen, it does not feel like we are under a lockdown at all. Most of the local shops down my road are still open. Even some of the restaurants are still open - except they only do takeouts instead. I have not seen any police roadblocks, nor checkpoints of any kind. In fact, I've seen quite a few people out cycling, walking their dogs, basically just life as normal. I have to wonder how they are going to enforce this lockdown, seeing as so many people are ignoring it? Not like I care either way. If we are officially under lockdown, then I have a better reason to stay indoors, and work more on my computer. :D Now, it is estimated that we will remain under lockdown for approximately 3 months - although I don't know the actual figure. Everybody fails at predicting the future. What am I going to do in that three months time? Well, the only thing I can do at this point. If there are things that my Canada trip have taught me, it's that I have a Creative disease. I have to find ways to satisfy my urges and channel my creative instincts effectively. One of those channels is through this - my Youtube Channel. But there are three others. Another one for me is voice acting. I've mentioned earlier that I have another account where I take part in voice acting, except I'm not sure if I'm ready to introduce you to my real voice and real self yet. The third one is music. Not a lot of you may know this, but I actually have a background in music. My grandmother on my mother's side was a concert pianist (Just like another girl we all know, hmmm?) I am also an alumnus of the Academy of Contemporary Music, in Guildford, Surrey, UK. There are three videos dated about 5-7 years ago on this channel which I had to make private, because they all feature me, singing and playing guitar in them. One of them is me playing a guitar cover of the Hollyoaks Theme Tune (God - what a loser I was. So desperate for validation I would actually cover the Hollyoaks Theme tune) I don't even like Hollyoaks. I hate it with a burning passion - like every other Godawful soap opera on British Television. In fact, TV in general is just so depression and despair inducing that I refuse to watch it. Anime/Video games and Music is my escape from all that. I despise pretty much anything that depicts the real world in a realistic life setting. But to give you an idea of what else I sometimes do in my time, there is an old video - 6 years old - of a remix I did of the Allegro Cross Examination theme tune for Ace Attorney, which I made on Garageband. I make quite a lot of music using Garageband. Music is actually an even bigger part of me, than Danganronpa is - well in any case, it goes back way further than my interest in Danganronpa, that's for certain. At some point, maybe when I reach a certain point in terms of how many subscribers I have, I would love to introduce you all to my real self. It would be a rewarding experience to have all of you get to know me, and all of my facets. ...Oh, and before we all forget:

Happy Kayay-day, everybody! Let's all give a show of appreciation to Best Girl, and wish her love and happiness in Heaven. Happy Birthday, Kaede Akamatsu. - Bat Hunter

#Kaede Akamatsu #Update #Bat Hunter #Happy Birthday #Covid-19 #UK #Canada #So I'm Back Home Now

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iphoenixrising · 5 years

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For 700 Followers!

Hi babe. Ah, you know, I think we could really work something out because if there’s anything I like, it’s Tim trying to have the I am an island attitude with clingy, needy Bat Alphas right on his tail ;) Tbh, I wrote this once and it got lost, so I cried, but I’m going to give it another shot!

Also, just saying but there was also a short thing done about *ahem* toys in this au, and you’ll probably find a similar theme X

There is nothing worse than water in your fucking boots.

Seriously.

His impromptu dip in the harbor was completely worth the pain in the ass because Two-Face is going to live to see another day, and he even acted less crazy than normal when he was handcuffed by GCPD, quiet while he was taken away in the back of a squad car.

The best part? The villain told him he was glad he hadn’t filled him full of holes after all. Red Robin is going to take that as a win.

And since his sleuthing is done for the night, he can go back to his Perch in Gotham City and get out of these wet clothes and put his damn boots by a heating vent to dry out a little.

He feels good enough about the night to order a pizza and do his notes while a slice is hanging out of his mouth when dry clothes are a thing.

He has a fan turning lazily, trying to keep himself cooled down because the Heat symptoms just started to manifest while he was riding back from the take-down (all that wind rushing by while he’s in a wet suit and still he’s starting to get hot? Seriously, body, stop making shit harder on him).

The pre-Heat could take up to three hours before the main event starts, and he at least wants to get the notes done and go blackout before it happens.

He’s got a bunch of Gatorade and power bars from two weeks ago when Jay and Dick pretty much showed up just in time for him to go full blown. Luckily, Dick had picked up more on the way to his Perch since the God-forsaken sixth sense had struck again. Somehow, maybe some Pack Alpha instinct, Dick had known he was going to need them, and true to form, the last Heat had been particularly vicious, his body in physical pain when he was empty.

(And no, he doesn’t need a reminder how nice Dick and Jay were about it when he was literally fucking crying. Geeze, things he doesn’t need people to see for 100 Alex.)

Which means he should have been good for a month and a half, but Leslie had warned him going this long on suppressants would have some effects on him biologically. She’d mentioned he could have two Heats back-to-back as a sign his body is starting to regulate like any normal Omega. So, really, this pain-in-the-ass is his own fault anyway.

Notes done, he logs out of BI’s mainframe and shoots the Titan’s a quick message, In Gotham. Perfectly safe. Going to sleep for 24-36 hours. Don’t freak out about the blackout mode, and shuts down his main system in preparation.

Barefoot, he pads around to shut off the lights and fans, grabs a Gatorade, starts pulling his nerd shirt off on the way to the bedroom. Security in lockdown and he’s starting to feel the burn just a little bit more.

Not long now. Damn, hopefully this will be fast and furious.

A locked box in the back of the closet is deposited by the bed, his thumb print accepted. He shifts through the unopened packages until he gets the red one and the blue one out, laying them on the bed to open before the round of fuck my contingencies ramps up.

(His face is hot, and not because of the pre-Heat. The two knotting dildos were purchased when he started thinking one night about what he was going to do when his body started regulating out, so Dick and Jay wouldn’t need to play Alphas to his Omega anymore. Ironically, the two toys reminded him of their knots anyway, and he’d been guilty as fuck buying them.)

He’s already started sweating lightly and jumps in the shower to wash off Gotham Harbor.

His phone goes off while he’s drying himself off, shifting his weight because his abdomen is already starting to get tight and uncomfortable in anticipation.

The message on his phone makes him groan/sigh because the Red Hood is wondering:

Jaybird: How was the swim?

There’s more laughing emojis than he realistically needs.

In just boxers, Tim plops down on his bed, taps his phone to decide whether or not to respond. Since they already knew he’d taken down Two-Face, he really doesn’t have options.

Me: nice this time of year. Btw, Harvey didn’t drown. That’s a win for the good guys.

Before he’s done, the ellipsis meaning someone is typing shows up, so he’s got himself in a world of trouble by answering. Natch.

(On the other hand, his Omega whispers, if you hadn’t messaged back, they might come looking for you. It preens at the thought of his Pack Alphas concerned for him, coming for him– Dammit. Not. The. Time.)

Jaybird: Oughta come 2 the Manor. Al made pizza. Can celebrate?

Well, shit.

Me: Thanks 4 the invite. Running time-sensitive diagnostic for the Titans and crashing. See you at the next VA meeting tho.

Okay. So, normal. Jay will understand the need for fighting crime.

Jaybird: No problem. We’ll bring you some.

Fuck. Fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck.

Me: Nah. Not tonight. Gonna set this up and crash. The alarm will wake me when the analysis is done. Enjoy the pizza!

Jaybird: If you’re sure?

Me: Positive. Sleep is calling. GN.

And turns off his phone with a sigh of unmitigated relief.

Crisis averted.

Right?

Forty-five minutes later, he’s idly eating popcorn and watching Infinity War when a wave of blistering heat washes over him, and the gentle reprieve is finally done.

His cock is hard and aching within a moment, his hands fisting in the blanket under him, hips jerking. The soft, subtle scent of slick tickles the edges of his senses, his ass starting to get moist under his boxers.

But Tim has old memories of doing this alone back when he was still in the tunic, and he forces himself to breath past the initial stages, fists his hands even tighter to keep from touching himself yet. He remembers how much better the orgasm was when he held off for as long as he could, remembers the time between waves lasted longer.

He bites down on his lower lip to keep in the noises (but really, what is the point?) and tries to just keep thinking.

He shoves the unopened boxes over and sprawls out on his back, trying not to let anything other than his boxers touch his aching erection. His thighs tighten, legs spreading automatically, feet bracing to work his hips a little.

It’s fine. You’ve done this before isn’t really that much of a consolation.

With the fire in his body starting to get more and please and Oh God, his mouth falls open to pant, toss his head back and forth with the arousal building, making his belly get tense.

An abrupt cramp knocks the wind out of him ending on a small, helpless noise that inadvertently escapes.

Rolling on his side, curling in on himself, Tim forces himself to just fucking breathe through it, it won’t last forever.

–when the comm on his desk blips, and the tinny voice is just loud enough to get his attention over things like terribly thought-out biology.

(Everything in you is screaming for an Alpha to help, touch, soothe. It’s not really your fault.)

“If you’re asleep, don’t get up. We’re just going to drop off pizza and we’ll be out of your Perch-”

Which is nothing short of fucking horrific.

“Almost goddit, Dickie,” is lost when another sharp cramp makes him huddle further into the pain rippling over his upper body while his brain screams to just fucking move.

The scent of slick gets stronger, clogging up the room, and the door isn’t even locked–

The next cramp makes his muscles flutter, but he can wobbly-leg it to the door and collapse in front of it.

(I was stabbed in the fucking spleen and still saved Pru. Without Ra’s, I would have been dead soon after, but if I can do that, I can get through this.)

He flips a small panel on the door frame and presses his thumb into it, forehead braced on the wall while he grits his teeth and gets a second or two of his muscles easing back.

Tim focuses on breathing, listening, and sure enough, there’s a timid knock a few minutes later. The door knob wiggles once softly, nearly inaudible voices mumble back and forth while he holds his breath.

He thinks he might be in the clear when it goes quiet again, thinking maybe they’d gone to dump the pizza in his fridge and be on their way out.

But a very clear, “do you smell what I smell?” is the proverbial nail in his coffin.

“Timmy? Are you…awake?”

“Please go away, I’m…I’m trying to sleep.” Tim tries again, more desperate now that hearing his Alphas’ voices is hitting all the deep places in him where the Omega hides.

“Don’t smell like it, Sweets. Think maybe ya mighta forgot ta mention something ta yer Alphas?”

(You aren’t mine. This is just about fucking Pack dynamics and bullshit biology. It’s fine, he gets it.)

“Hey,” and Dick’s voice is low and loud enough to be heard, and Tim slaps a hand over his mouth so he doesn’t whimper. “It’s okay. It’s us, Tim. We can make it better if you just open the door. You know we can, don’t you.”

It really isn’t a question, and Dick doesn’t pretend to make it one.

His abdomen spasms and he’s rolling his forehead against the wall in denial because fuck, haven’t they done enough? He’s not going to die, and, seriously, he’s a shitty Omega anyway.

“It’s not Heat Mania,” he tries to be reasonable, proud of himself when his voice only cracks once or twice, “I can get through it by myself this time. Y-You two just gave up five days a few weeks ago.”

The hand goes back over his mouth and his boxers are getting wet now, the way he’s curled in on himself probably not helping the situation.

Voices talking too low for him to make out again.

“Seriously, it’s fine. You guys got me out of danger. This? This is just business as usual. B is out of Gotham and you can’t be here for that long–”

“–B called in the Birds of Prey ta help out while he’s out wid’ the League,” Jay breaks through his ramblings. “We got Rob n’ BG. Cass is in fer a visit, and a trio of ass kickers. Ya ain’t gotta worry ‘bout Gotham, Timmers. Shit’s all kinds a handled.”

The door knob wiggles again, making him gasp because shit, if anyone could crack his fingerprint locks, it’s probably the Red Hood.

“So. That’s not an excuse to go through your Heat alone,” Dick cuts in, sounds more ragged and raw, the Pack Alpha coming out in him. “There’s honestly no reason for you to go through it by yourself at all because your Pack is supposed to take care of you. And we are here to do just that, Tim.”

And fuck he does (and doesn’t) want to.

(It really is going to hurt like a motherfucker when it’s all over with, isn’t it?)

And while Tim Drake could give them a hundred different excuses, could explain it away a hundred different ways

(“I don’t want my Omega to get used to having Alphas. That just makes my Heats more difficult. Please understand.”)

–he, Tim, not the Omega, really doesn’t want to.

(Oh yeah. He’s figuratively fucked. Literally fucked to possibly follow.)

He’s already reaching up to thumb at the panel again before he realizes what he’s doing and pauses, sighs at his own weakness.

And like they can feel him hesitate, the heavy musk finally gets to him from under the door. The combination of Dick and Jay and the Alpha instinct to soothe.

“Please, Timmy, Baby. Please let us in.” Dick says to the door, hands braced on the door frame outside, staring a hole right through the damn thing because he really wants to say is please let us love you.

Jay is nudged tightly against his back, peering over his shoulder with those precious few inches of extra height.

“S’all right, Timmers,” Jay’s deep voice rolls past his ear when his second leans over to talk closer, simultaneously sliding a hand over Dick’s hip, finger making soothing circles around the bone. “Ya know we love it when yer all pretty n’ pink fer us, yeah? Heat makin’ ya bite yer lip n’ flutter yer eyes when we get ta touch. N’ ya know how much we like it, don’t cha? Ya know it don’t matter how long it needs ta be, ‘er how much needin’ ya got saved up inside. Ya know the only thing what matters is how perfect ya are under our hands n’ mouth, yeah?”

Dick smirks at the tactic, turning just enough to get close to Jay’s face and shove their mouths together in a quick kiss.

His mate and second just grins right back, his down ‘n dirty one.

“Wadda ya say, Sweets? Gonna have mercy on these two ole’ Alphas? Let us be good, n’ take care a’ ya like we oughta?”

There’s a low noise, something muffled by the door, but Dick’s muscles tighten against the front of Jay’s body, putting the other Alpha right on point.

“Sounds like–” pain.

Jay just nods, staring intently at the door, fingers tapping over the hilt of this .45 like he’s thinking of taking the easy way inside. “Starting up awful fast, ain’t he, Alpha?”

“Leslie said something about double Heats while his body is getting back under control,” Dick reminds him absently. “I’m hoping this is the only one he’s experienced so far.”

Jay hums a little, “you n’ me both. Don’t like ‘im hittin’ two ina month. Too much strain.”

“Agreed, but we–” and Dick gets cut off by the sudden, powerful scent hitting them right in the instincts. The Alpha in them knows what a spike that sudden means.

Dick turns to make one last plea to the door, please, Baby, you don’t have to do this alone, before they would have to go. If Tim was that adamant, they wouldn’t hack the door to get to him, to force him to accept them during his Heat, but if he caught their scents, it could make the cycle more painful (“The inner Omega will pine for an Alpha. Scents will not help, but make the [sic] situation worse. An Alpha should vacate the premises if an Omega in Heat does not belong to him or her”). To keep it from being so much worse, they’d have no choice but the leave.

The possibility sticks in Dick’s throat, makes Jay rumble out a low whine.

But the telltale click resounds, kills the words in Dick’s mouth before they get out.

It’s a breath when he and Jay step over the threshold, kneel by the (their) pained Omega, warm hands and soothing touches, purring a low reverberation that makes Tim’s spine uncurl when Dick gathers him up and lifts. Jay is back with more Gatorade and power bars, throwing off his jacket and holsters while Dick kicks off his shoes and straddles Tim on the bed, leans closer to start kneading out the muscle spasms and nuzzling against Tim’s throat gently, soothingly.

“Ssshh, sshh, it okay Timmy. We’re here.” And Dick tilts his head just a little so his throat is visible and his scent gland right there if Tim wanted to give him and bury his face there.

(He totally does. Stupid fucking instincts.)

And Dick’s hands are warm, the pressure just enough to work out those muscles, to make the pain ease down. At one point, Tim had wrapped a hand around Dick’s forearm to have something grounding.

“You don’t have to do this,” is low and soft, “it isn’t going to be bad this time. Just a normal Heat. I can handle it. I have handled it.”

Jay takes a knee beside the bed, reaches over to direct Tim’s gaze with a forefinger under his chin. “Timmers,” is more stern than he’s used to hearing from the Red Hood, “like me n’ Dickie dunno how much ya can handle? Like we dunno how much ass ya can kick? C’mon, give us a little credit, yeah?”

Tim’s eyes get more dazed with all the stimulus hitting him right in the Omega instincts, blinking hazily at Jay kneeling there. “Seriously, I’m a shitty Omega, and neither of you need this. It’s bad enough you gave up a week already this month.”

“I told you,” Dick counters serenely, hands pausing, “that you are not a bad Omega. I would have thought during your last Heat you would have gotten that.”

They can both see Tim swallow, his eyes dart away, clearly disbelieving but not calling them on their bullshit.

Dick’s inner Alpha curls around his insides, wanting nothing more than to flop on the pretty Omega and pin him down until he cries uncle and finally believes in them, wants nothing more than to stick his nose in the sweet scent gland and never move, wants to hear Tim say it, just once–

“I’m yours, aren’t I Alpha?”

–but there’s no room for that yet. Not here, not now. Someday soon when Tim stopped giving into his instincts to hide and protect himself. Even if the Omega in him had accepted their Alphas, it still drew back, remembered the pain they both caused at one time or another.

And Dick understood. As Pack Alpha, he can scent more keenly, as a detective, he can put all the evidence together with the spikes of adrenaline, the quickening of a pulse, the flinch when certain things are brought up in casual conversation.

(Someday, he thinks fiercely, nuzzling into Tim’s jugular, while the knots under his hands ease down, you are going to forgive us, and everything is going to finally be okay.)

He huffs a little when Jay kneels by the bed, hands folded to rest his chin and watch. Timmy’s head flops over, the lines around his eyes still prominent with pain and the ingrained struggle not to just give in, and Jay trails his fingers lightly over the hand fisted in the sheets.

“Hey, hey. S’all right now, ain’t it, Baby?” He keeps it low and deep, lets it end on a nice purr. Inching the hand over, closer to his mouth, “an’ ta think, y’ weren’t gonna let me n’ Dickie here fer this? Tryin’ ta punish us, are ya?”

“Wh-What?! What are you even–”

Dick’s hand on his shoulder stops Baby Bird from sitting up, his cheeks gettin’ pink ‘cause he get all embarrassed ‘bout it.

(And fuck ain’t it cute.)

Big Wing smirks a little and leans up, gives Jay some room. He takes all he can, rising up on his knees, turning his jaw a little so his musk is stronger, getting fuller. He gets to wrap a palm around that wrist, pinning it lightly when he hovers over Tim’s wide eyes, makes him face this, face him, face them.

“Ya already know it, don’t cha, Timmy?” Low and growly against his mouth, flick of a tongue over his bottom lip, “how much ya make us want, yeah?”

And since Jason Todd is a man what knows how Tim reacts to being touched, how he gets so sweetly slick and ready, how needy and soft he can whine, knows that as much as Timmy says he don’t need this, need them, his body don’t agree with it.

It’s how he n’ Dickie can tell when Timmy is lyin’ ‘cause it’s the Omega what tells them the truth.

It’s why Jay can purr and nuzzle, can lean in and take his mouth like he owns it. When Tim makes a noise, arches his back, Jay knows Dick is mouthing at him, right below where his palms are rubbing, licking the line between boxers and skin.

Pullin’ back just makes Timmy chase his mouth, eyes half-mast and cheeks just the right shade of pink.

“See that, Sweetheart? How pretty y’ are? An’ ya weren’t gonna let us be here fer it? ‘M hurt over here.” And he purrs against the tendon in Tim’s neck, just the sharp edge of teeth teasing down to his collarbone.

“Th-that’s not–!”

“But it is, Timmy,” Dick fills in soothingly, mouthing at the waistband of his boxers. “You weren’t going to let us have this.”

“Dammit that isn’t–”

“Sshh,” and Jay presses a kiss back to his throat, right below the scent gland, “s’all right. We f’give ya, Sweets. ‘Cause we’re here now, and that’s what matters, you feel me?”

Tim finds it in him to brace a hand against Jay’s shoulder, pushing him back just enough to be able to think around the heat pooling in his stomach, lighting his body with need.

“It isn’t like that!” He tries, he really does, stares into those eyes with green flecks faded away. “It–this–it’s just!”

Dick finally seems to have enough, knee walking up so he and Jay could loom over the squirming Omega, both of them facing him down.

“At first, it was because of the Heat Mania, Timmy,” Dick’s voice is low and firm, “but it stopped being about that for me in the first five minutes.”

Jay purrs at him softly, “like I’d keep comin’ back ta ya if’n it was only ‘cause a’ biology, Timmers. Like you think I don’t see this fine as fuck ‘Mega right ‘chere needin’ an Alpha? Like I don’t want a piece a’ ya?”

That is...so not what he anticipated tonight once he’d given the Alphas an appropriate out. The admission makes his heart thump painfully in his chest, a jolt of fear slithering through his brain pan at all the implications of this–

–that would fully set in later on after his body stops trying to literally kill him with sex.

Because it’s enough of a push, this moment when scents are so fucking sincere and they’re looking at him with heat and affection, and he wants so desperately to believe. It’s enough to make the Omega in him rear up past his barriers and bullshit masks, for the whine, the call to his Pack, to his Alphas, to spill out of his mouth without holding back.

Fuck.

Because even though it’s a rough, soft sound, something he’d never been able to let himself do before now, not with all the secrets he’d had to keep, it makes some of the tightness in his chest ease down to finally be able to let it out, let his instincts take over.

In the form of a whine, a call to his Alphas. His Omega could finally stop mourning being left out of the Pack.

So he’s completely unprepared for Dick and Jay to react so distinctly to that noise, for them to bury their faces in his throat and lick along both sides until the kiss of teeth along his collar bone becomes a bloom of pain and sinks deep into his subconscious. It’s not (and he gasps in a hard breath just thinking about it, about either of them biting down on the back of his neck instead…) to mate him or make him submit, it’s just marks made to show ownership, to show Pack, and his eyes might get a little hot and full with it while the Omega in him rolls over to show its’ belly to the (his) Alphas.

And it’s something he’s been wanting for so long, the confirmation that he’s no longer the outcast, the Omega without a place. During the long road to come back to Gotham, back to the Bats, he hasn’t let himself sink into the depression that hit back when his tunic was yanked out from under him, leaving him hanging.

With the indents of teeth along his collarbone, with the distinct Alpha scent on his neck, the assurance he’s been claimed as their Pack Omega for anyone to see, is enough to make him close his eyes tight to keep from fucking crying. Instead, he distracts himself by lifting both arms around his Alphas to hold on while they lick across the indents of their teeth, soothing the sting.

He doesn’t let himself panic when they move on from marking him, when Jay is licking into his mouth and Dick’s hands are spreading his thigh, long-fingered hand cupping his straining erection.

He keens with it, back arching at the onslaught, his inner Omega sated with the marks on his body, languishing in the attention of his Alphas.

It’s so easy to fall under their spell, to put himself in their hands, and just give in. If they weren’t so damn careful and easy with him when he needs it that way, if they didn’t fuck him dirty and rough when it needed it that way instead, if they didn’t purr against his chest and lick at the marks, if they didn’t talk low against the back of his neck, if they didn’t hold the hell on when all he wanted to do is run.

Hands that know how to make him writhe, are busy smoothing up the sides of his thighs and over his abdomen, Jay and Dick trading places with his mouth. Thumbs make small circles on his nipples, makes them peak, makes the spark of pleasure shoot down his spine straight to his aching cock, while he keens in Dick's mouth.

“Uh-oh,” hazily gets through the heat pooling in his belly, in his blood, lighting his nerves on fire. “Looks like we have some competition, Jaybird.”

Fuck.

And Dick is leaning up on his knees, holding up the blue knotting dildo after he’d snatched it from the blankets, looking it over with a critically assessing expression–

Then those eyes slide over to the Omega spread out on the bed beneath them, the one smelling like a bakery, the one that needed him, needed them to take care of him.

“I told you, I can handle my Heats.” His face is going red and not because of the whole lot of naked happening beside the bed where Jay is stripping off the body suit.

“Mmhm,” and Dick widens his knees, spreading Baby Bird’s legs wider, puts the toy by his calf so he can be the one to use it on Timmy (and he is very interested on seeing how much of it his Omega can take before he’s screaming for the real deal).

The other Alpha’s eyes shoot to the subtly covered splash of red almost by the wall, and one brow quirks up as a side to the smirk on Jason Todd’s face.

“Dickie. Ya’ thinking what I’m thinking?”

“If it’s to fuck him with these things until he cries, then yes. I’m on board with that plan, Little Wing.”

“Good t’ see we’re on’a same page, you feel me here?”

The oldest vigilantes exchange a heated glance, the message clear from that look alone:

Time to teach Timmy a lesson and get to have him at the Same. Damn. Time.

Two Robins with one stone.

Jay is already crawling over Tim to lay on the other side while Dick moves fast, climbing off to shimmy out of his clothes until he’s in black briefs, coming right back to the perfect spot between the third Robin’s clenched thighs. He grins, already deciding on a plan, while Jay pins both wrists above their bird’s head, preparing him for the on-coming torture.

And when this cycle is done, when they’ve both had turns teasing him between waves with the toys he’d purchased, fucking him fast and rough or slow and soft until their knots throbbed to be buried in him, when they’ve made Tim give in to them, over and over, made him beg for their cocks, promised to always call next time no matter what. When he’s so overwork, overstimulated, a trembling, babbling, crying pile of please fuck me before I die.

When they make the lesson stick.

(“Never gonna need ‘em again. Ya gotch us, n’ ya better damn well call b’for ya use it again. Do you feel me, Baby?”

“These are last resort only, Tim. You only get to use these after you’ve called both of us and not because of a case or checking in on Gotham.”

He’d only been stupidly grateful all three of them could fit in his tub at the time, water lapping lazily around him, caught on Jay’s lap with his leg in Dick’s, hands on his ankle and calf under the water. He was dozing and utterly fucking destroyed, which is the only reason he agreed to it in the first place, dammit. They took advantage of fucking him completely out.

(Alphas. Of fucking course.)

But this time, after they’d been so fucking thorough in showing him where his place with them really is, Red Robin can’t help but wonder if it’s more than just a bunch of Alphas taking care of the Pack Omega. If all the sweet things Dick growls in his ear is more than just hormones and Pack Alpha lizard brain. He wonders if Jay’s dirty talk doesn’t stem from some messed up sense of guilt or responsibility from back when they were just, you know, trying to kill one another. Or, Jay was trying to kill him and Red was really just trying not to die.

He wonders if it isn’t just a matter time until his body regulates.

He wonders if they know what they’re doing to him when they act like he’s theirs.

He wonders how far they’re going to go.

(A part of him is terrified to find out.)

#700 followers #omega!tim #alpha!dick #alpha!jay #aob #tagged for anon #timjaydick #tim drake #dick grayson #jason todd #a bit of smut #with a twist of angst #my fic #my writing

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narekashi · 6 years

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This is really overdue but I hope you enjoy it! I'll hopefully be able to get the Red Army's birthday headcanons done by this week ;;

Black Army just goes full on protective mode when the news gets leaked out

It's like outside of Luka's room has become it's own fort, with Seth, Ray and Fenrir taking turns to guard along with other soldiers while MC and Sirius have to deal with babysitting little Luka and cooking.

Eventually, the news spreads to the red army and lo and behold, Jonah is the first to hear about it and the first to run out the door before anyone can stop him. He's absolutely convinced the Black Army is going to take advantage of his brother's vulnerable and he can't let that happen!

Zero is really confused seeing Jonah just running down the hallway cursing but Edgar just smiles and waves like he was watching his kid go to soccer practice.

Sirius caught wind of the rumours and was told by Lancelot that he heard the rumour before anyone but he was absolutely convinced a certain big brother had heard it and security went into lockdown mode.

In the evening while you were in charge of taking care of Luka, something knocked onto the door. You looked out the window with Luka in your arms and screamed when you saw a puff of white hair slowly coming up with rope and a backpack.

"Don't worry Luka, big brother's going to save you!"

"GUYS THE QUEEN OF HEARTS IS HERE IT'S A LEVEL 5 EMERGENCY OH GOD HE'S COMING UP FAST I'M SORRY TO MY FAMILY FOR SAYING GOOD BYE TO THEM YET HELPPPPPPPPPPP."

Black Army has made MC dramatic

Fenrir and Ray just straight in kick down the door and a yelling fight starts between a probably together couple and an overprotective brother.

"Just let me see my brother and I'll leave!" Jonah screams and tries to hold Luka but Fenrir blocks his way with a glare.

"You're on Black Army territory so unless you want your King to get mad and start a war, be my guest and try to go near out Jack." Ray says with venom laced in every word he meant.

And now was Jonah's hard decision making. Should he go back and not make his dear King mad or stand his ground to take care of his brother? It was war inside of his brain before you coughed.

"Guys he's probably just worried. I've over reacted but just 5 minutes? How about that?" You have a quick glance to your comrades who were surprise at your suggestion.

"I knew you'll be on my side Alice!" Jonah attempts to hug you but baby Luka decides no and slaps his brother's arms away. Despite looking like a baby, he was indeed still Luka after all.

Eventually, a compromise was made and Jonah just left his gifts and stayed for a little talk before being forcefully chased away by the Black King and Queen. For that day on, Jonah still tried to sneak back in even when he heard his dear brother had became an adult again but he was still determined to get into the Black Army to drag his brother on his side.

Yeah you probably know what happens.

"(Y/N) please don't compromise with my brother to see ever again." Luka says as he tries to fight off a chill.

#ikemen revolution #luka clemence #jonah clemence #headcanons

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thecomebackmumma · 2 years

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So it's Saturday 4.12.21, today the Kids are spending some time with my parents and myself and Glen are going to try and have a date day. I didn't sleep too well. The dreams were extremely vivid and all over the place. I don't know if it the Mirtazapine causing them. I remembered what they were but they have gone again! That's definitely how my brain works. Unless I write anything down immediately it disappears into the black hole never to be seen again. Anyway, so the dilemma begins, what to wear. Especially when you feel nothing at all fits you. So far the house is peaceful but my teen is asleep. I know when she wakes that could change in a heartbeat. My Husband has taken the dog for walk and I am sat here watching cooking programmes whilst writing this and having a coffee.

After Dad got Diagnosed with Terminal Cancer 2nd lockdown I began to dread seeing my parents, i know that sounds really bad but it's so hard with Dad's illness it's so hard to see him deteriorating. I go in to avoidance mode. I dont mean to but it helps me to deal it or feel I am dealing with it. I know I am not. I love him dearly and hate seeing him suffer. I always give him the BIGGEST hug when I do see him. I have had all 3 covid injections but it still scares me that the kids will take something to him as he is so vulnerable.

I decided to not take my HRT yesterday after a few people said that combination made them worse. I have definitely felt worse. Guess what?! After not taking both the estrogen gel and the Progesterone tablet one night my period started this morning. Was it stopping it from coming? I really don't know! Anyway, I am going to stop taking that over the weekend but continue with the Mirtazapine for the minute, I will try to call the GP on Monday. I have been having counselling and she advised I ask the GP for a blood test to check my vitamin levels. After ringing them I was told I need a letter so back to square one again trying to organise that. Such a shame we can't just ask for things like that especially when your symptoms could mean you are low on vitamin D maybe even lithium. I think I need to talk to the doctor about what to do next. It will be interesting to know if I start to feel better whilst we try and investigate what works and what doesn't.

So how do I feel today? A lot more positive as I feel so much better knowing someone has read this blog so will continue to write and post here. I feel this will help others too along the way. I am still bloated and have all the symptoms at the moment but knowing there are people out there that understand has helped me. I am just going to do my best to get through the best I can. I have always been a glass half full kind of girl, need to start trying to find her again whilst being kind. I have comeback from so much in my life I am determined to come back from this.

So happy Saturday beautiful people, I really hope you have an amazing day and I will let you know how my day goes....... You got this, we got this. Love Rosie x

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shoemon · 4 years

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Depression.

Here’s my attempt at normalising conversations about depression and anxiety, at a time when many are feeling not their best.

There's some beauty in the paralysing feeling of depression. If you have dealt with it before and have a certain level of self-awareness, it starts with one day when you wake up and feel “Oh shit, this feeling is familiar. Ah, its depression.”

About 2 months ago, I decided to make a big life change, something that completely threw me off my course in life. It shook my core and everything I believed in. It was very unfortunate, and painful, and just “sucked” in every non-literal way of the word. As any big event goes, I landed into the 5 stages of grief. The first few weeks were pure bliss of denial. Logistic and rationale directed me, and I went ahead with a black-and-white task list. I was doing alright, and then few weeks ago COVID-19 hit. It has only been grey ever since. I will call it “what-must-not-be-named” in this writing. Not because I am afraid of it, but because I could’ve become a millionaire by now if I got a $ every time I read/wrote/said/heard the word.

Now, I have dealt with mental health issues in my life earlier, and I have a large toolkit of activities and to-dos in case I felt “sadness is coming”. So, I pre-emptively hiked up those activities. Work, workout, and talking to close people are the top 3 things on that list. What-must-not-be-named took away (going to) work, and it also closed working out (at the gym). In the pre-lockdown days, I could still go run outdoors and so I did that.

Then struck the hammer of loneliness. It was me, in my new apartment, by myself, trying to keep sane. I spoke to my friends and family as much as I could, but that didn’t reduce loneliness. That’s when I sensed - sadness was coming.

Upon talking to a friend, who insisted that I have handled this whole life change in a reactive mode, I decided to observe my feelings - and let the sadness in.

Here’s something amazing about sadness, you can feel yourself - feeling it (if you pay attention). As I stopped fighting the sadness, I surrendered to all the negative feelings I have resisted for more than a month. It was almost like cold mercury flowing through my body. It is engulfing in the most beautiful, and merciless way. Now, I am aware enough to know the difference between sadness and depression, and this was sadness. 2 days went by with sadness, and being completely functional in life. 3rd day is when I woke up with the expression of “ Oh F@#$!”. Theres certain level of awareness that you get from meditating and journaling every day for months - and that is the ability to sense your brain’s serotonin level.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am always smiling and happy. I love that part of me, and that is the real part of me. But here’s the thing, when you are depressed - you do not recognise yourself. You see someone having captured your real self. You are ashamed of that state and you don’t want anyone else to see or hear from you. I was still trying to be accepting of the sadness in the depression.

Slowly the feeling of dread took over. It is almost like paralysis, when you stare at the ceiling-fan not able to move. Anxiety starts playing with your head, and you are just sick of feeling that way. I spent one full day not moving, and staring at the ceiling. I knew that I had to do something to break out of this, and I did what I could. The first day of lockdown, I made a choice to go running for my mental health.

I ran in a sports ground with police van driving outside the periphery “requesting” me to go back home. But I fought with the urge to comply, and fought for my brain. After 5kms, my brain was able to come from minus 10 to 0, and that was the huge achievement for the day.

0 is great. 0 is when you can feed yourself, call up your friends. The journey of minus 10 to 0 is what takes medication, or insane amount of self-awareness and push. Everyone might not be aware of how to get from minus 10 to 0, but there are professionals to help you with it. I have seen many mental health professionals in my life, and each one has been helpful in more than one way.

Another learning that came from this was I was trying to jump from being sad to being happy directly, and it doesn’t work like that. One has to first work on going from minus 10 to 0, and then to 1,2,3….and so on. You have to work on being “okay” first, and then on happiness once you are completely “okay”.

It has been a week since then, and anxiety has replaced depression. Now good thing about Anxiety is - it is more manageable that depression. You can go about your regular life with it, and it pokes you sometimes here and there. I personally find it much easier to live with. Now, I have not experienced anxiety before. So I believe a cocktail of personal life and what-must-not-be-named, that has caused it. There’s an HBR article doing the rounds on how what we are feeling is grief, that you can read here. https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief.

To end with, I am living with my family, and seeing a therapist(God bless Skype), and am doing okay :)

My next writing (more fun, I promise) will be on some ways to manage anxiety, in the times of what-must-not-be-named. I am also committed to talking about mental health, recommend professionals, or anything you need. So, please reach out if you want to talk!

#mental health #covid19

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anneedmonds · 4 years

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Life Update: Hanging On

Crikey. If there’s anyone else out there who’s been trying and failing to do the whole work-life-balance thing over the summer holidays, can they please make themselves known? That’s right, hold your hands up high: I need to do a full and accurate head count here. The more people the merrier. Anything to make me feel less bad about myself – less like a neurotic malfunctioning android. And more….well. More like a human.

Yes, I’ve reached Basil Fawlty levels of stress and irritation and I’m not afraid to admit it – I feel as though I’m hanging on to my sanity by my fingernails and that normal life, if anything could be called normal these days, will be forever beyond my grasp. The many, many months of the “new routine” (ie trying to keep work going whilst also becoming a very shit version of a primary school and pre-school) have taken their toll.

I adore my kids. Obviously. They’re funny, they’re cute, they’re close enough in age that they play together for hours, they get excited about tiny things like going to a cafe or getting one of those extortionate magazines from the supermarket, the ones with useless plastic tat sellotaped to the front and a pull-out page of crap stickers. They give the best cuddles, the slimiest kisses that you have to surreptitiously wipe away when they’ve finished, they put their shoes on the wrong feet and they have tiny high voices that make them sound like they’ve been playing with helium balloons.

I love them unconditionally, which isn’t anything remarkable for a parent, but I feel it has to be said nevertheless, because it’s always a touchy subject when you talk about having to work or simply needing time to yourself. Never mind the fact that bills need to be paid, or that you need a little respite just to be. In this case both, although it’s definitely the work element for me that tends to send my stress levels soaring.

The worrying thing about how difficult it is to work through the summer holidays is this: the summer holidays happen every year! Six weeks! At least with lockdown you could console yourself that they were unprecedented times, everyone was in the same boat: there’s nothing unprecedented about the six week holidays. Suddenly you’re plunged from a relatively acceptable work-life situation (six-ish hours a day, five days a week in which to work or catch up on sleep or go to the toilet unaccompanied) into what can only be described as a childcare abyss. It’s like falling off the edge of a life cliff that you simply weren’t prepared for!

One week you’re calmly typing away on your laptop, getting on with your work from about ten until two, maybe with a cup of tea or even a lunchtime sandwich, radio playing downstairs and perhaps a little twenty minute power nap at your desk to look forward to; the next you can’t even find your laptop because the Barbies are using it as their drive-thru cinema.

Trying to work from home is the absolute singular worst thing you can do with children around. They sense it when you try to work. They sniff it out. You can be at your computer watching stupid kitten videos and they won’t disturb you for a full forty minutes, but open a desperately important Microsoft Excel spreadsheet (still can’t read or edit them and I’ve been trying since 1994) and they will be mountain-climbing your back within twenty-five seconds.

“Can I do some typing?”

“What does this button do?”

“Why doesn’t the screen work when I press it?”

“Play Optimus Prime!”

If you’re working from home then good luck trying to switch into professional-person work-mode when a small person is having a poo in the bathroom next door to your office. If you’re trying to conduct a Zoom meeting then pat yourself on the back if you manage to get through it without having to mute yourself to shout at one or more kids to stop them from eating plaster of Paris or snipping at the leaves of the houseplants with the fabric scissors. (“It’s a haircut.”)

The only way I can work from home is to shut off all noise and distraction, which means either wearing earplugs and locking the door in the daytime (and obviously having someone to supervise the kids!) or shifting the working day into the evening and forgoing any sort of relaxation or Netflix binge.

But none of this is particularly a bad thing – at least not for me. I have to say (ooh, big reveal) that the last few months have taught me to do something I’ve never managed to do successfully before, and that is to completely detach myself from work for longish periods of time. Consecutive days. A whole week, even. It’s a revelation. You immerse yourself fully into domestic life and suddenly everything slows down – you still fill the day with chores and looking after other people, but you’re just a bit more present when you do it. Rather than frantically going from task to task and seeing the day as some sort of giant, tickable to-do list, you just sort of deal with things as they are presented to you. When I try to do too much at once, every element of the day becomes a challenge – breakfast, getting dressed, answering the doorbell, but when I allow myself to just chill out (which doesn’t come naturally, I’ll admit) everything is suddenly a little bit easier. And a bit more fun.

So to cut a long story short, I’ve been really trying hard to be less rigid about what I need to get done on the work front. Or actually, that’s not accurate: I’ve been trying hard to be less rigid about when I get things done. This, I think, is going to have to be my mantra each and every school holiday from now on; go easy, set the bar reasonably low and be flexible with timings.

And with that pearl of wisdom to myself, I’m going to bed. It’s a quarter to eleven and I’ve already had my sleepy tea, which I have to say doesn’t do my writing any favours. It makes me quite soporific and my brain goes spongey and refuses to think of anything witty to say. I also know that the kids will be up at 6am – although they have started to do this amazing thing where they sneak off and play together for an hour before they wake us up. How incredible is that? The only thing is that they quite like to do a jumping game for the aforementioned hour and the room is directly above us, so the light in the ceiling shakes and all the glass bits jangle and it sounds like the entire roof is going to fall down on our heads.

Nothing like being woken up by what you initially think might be a serious earthquake. Keeps you on your toes. Who needs relaxation anyway?

Photo by Sean Benesh on Unsplash

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