#it's just that all my major depressive episodes the past few years have a pattern of coinciding with whenever I visit family | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thelovelygods · 3 years

Link

As a teenager, Sylvia Plath vividly understood the extent to which her body steered her. "If I didn't have sex organs, I wouldn't waver on the brink of nervous emotion and tears all the time," she wrote in her journal in 1950. Ten days before her death, she had come to believe that "fixed stars/Govern a life." It turns out that Plath was probably right -- more right than she could have possibly known -- about her biology and her fate. But when Plath's journals were first published in 1982, what was most obvious about her was the supercharged nature of her emotions. Whatever causal agents may have been governing Plath's life, they were blown back by the force of her personality.

As unmistakable as were Plath's volatile emotions in the 1982 journals, the heavy editing of the text necessarily made it hard to discern the patterns to her moods. Even so, there did seem to be a detectable pattern, and it did not seem then, nor had it seemed to the people closest to her during the last years of her life, to be merely a function of temperament. In the weeks before her suicide, Plath's physician, John Horder, noted that Plath was not simply deeply depressed, but that her condition extended beyond the boundaries of a psychological explanation.

In a letter years later to Plath biographer Linda Wagner-Martin, Horder stated: "I believe ... she was liable to large swings of mood, but so excessive that a doctor inevitably thinks in terms of brain chemistry. This does not reduce the concurrent importance of marriage break-up or of exhaustion after a period of unusual artistic activity or from recent infectious illness or from the difficulties of being a responsible, practical mother. The full explanation has to take all these factors into account and more. But the irrational compulsion to end it makes me think that the body was governing the mind."

For at least the past 10 years it has been generally assumed that Plath fit the schema of manic-depressive illness, with alternating periods of depression and more productive and elated episodes.

The hypothesis that Plath suffered from a bipolar disorder is persuasive. But in late 1990, another, even more intriguing medical theory emerged. Using the evidence of Plath's letters, poems, biographies and the 1982 journals, a graduate student named Catherine Thompson proposed that Plath had suffered from a severe case of premenstrual syndrome. In "Dawn Poems in Blood: Sylvia Plath and PMS," which appeared in the literary magazine Triquarterly, Thompson theorized that Plath's mood volatility, depressions, many chronic ailments and ultimately her suicide were traceable to the poet's menstrual cycles and the hormonal disruptions caused by PMS.

Thompson pointed out that Plath unwittingly recorded experiencing on a cyclical basis all of the major symptoms of PMS, as well as many others, including low impulse control, extreme anger, unexplained crying and hypersensitivity. She also suffered many of the physical symptoms associated with PMS, notably extreme fatigue, insomnia and hypersomnia, extreme changes in appetite, itchiness, conjunctivitis, ringing in the ears, feelings of suffocation, headaches, heart palpitations and the exacerbation of chronic conditions such as her famous sinus infections.

Thompson compared Plath's reported mood and health changes with the journals, letters and biographies and found that her symptoms seemed to appear and disappear abruptly on a fairly regular schedule, with clusters of physical symptoms and depressive affect followed by dramatic changes in outlook and overall physical health. Those patterns can be directly linked to the dates of Plath's actual menses, particularly in 1958 and 1959, when she most habitually noted her cycles. Judging from the pattern of Plath's depression and health in late 1952 and in 1953 until her Aug. 24 suicide attempt, Thompson posited that "it seems reasonable to conclude that this suicide attempt was directly precipitated by hormonal disruption during the late luteal phase of her menstrual cycle and secondarily by her loss of self-esteem at being unable to control her depression."

Thompson showed that a well-known journal entry from Feb. 20, 1956, is clearly traceable to Plath's menses, to which she refers directly a few days later. The journal fragment takes on new meaning in light of having been written during the physically and emotionally debilitating luteal phase of Plath's cycle: "Dear Doctor: I am feeling very sick. I have a heart in my stomach which throbs and mocks. Suddenly the simple rituals of the day balk like a stubborn horse. It gets impossible to look people in the eye: corruption may break out again? Who knows. Small talk becomes desperate. Hostility grows, too. That dangerous, deadly venom which comes from a sick heart. Sick mind, too." On Feb. 24, the same day she notes in her journal that she has a sinus cold and "atop of this, through the hellish sleepless night of feverish sniffling and tossing, the macabre cramps of my period (curse, yes) and the wet, messy spurt of blood," Plath wrote a letter to her mother blaming her dark mood on her physical health: "I am so sick of having a cold every month; like this time, it generally combines with my period."

By the fall of 1962, the poems (which Plath carefully dated as they were completed) seem to follow a pattern of metaphorical renewals and optimistic transformations for roughly two to three weeks of artistic production, then jagged, seething accusations and aggression for a couple of weeks.

Thompson's PMS theory has been largely ignored by Plath scholars. But it immediately gained two important supporters: Anne Stevenson, Plath's controversial biographer, and Olwyn Hughes, Plath's former sister-in-law, whose letters were published in a subsequent issue of Triquarterly. Though oddly defensive in tone, Stevenson's letter does commend Thompson for her "invaluable contribution to Plath scholarship ... Certainly no future study of Plath will be able to ignore the probable effects of premenstrual syndrome on her imagination and behavior." And it states that she wishes she had been able to utilize Thompson's insights in the writing of her own work on Plath.

A letter from Olwyn Hughes also congratulates Thompson for her scholarship, but unlike Stevenson, Hughes practically stumbles over herself in amazement at the PMS theory. Hughes, who was quoted in Janet Malcolm's book "The Silent Woman: Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes" as characterizing her long-dead sister-in-law as "pretty straight poison," wrote to Thompson: "It is quite a shock to digest all this -- after thinking for so long that Sylvia's subconscious mind was her prison, and to suddenly realise it may well have been in part, or wholly, her body. But it certainly tallies with Ted's mentions -- he has always felt some chemical imbalance was involved."

Hughes further points out that Ted Hughes had spoken of Plath's ravenous appetite just prior to her periods and asks, "I wonder if that is a known characteristic of PMS?" (According to the PMS literature, it is.) But most tellingly, Olwyn Hughes explains that "one of the reasons I was so bowled over by your piece is that Sylvia's daughter, very like her physically, suffers quite badly from PMS but is, in these enlightened times, aware of it and treats it."

Dr. Glenn Bair, one of the leading experts on PMS treatment and research in the United States, confirmed to Salon that PMS is typically passed from mother to daughter. In a rare interview about her parents, Frieda Hughes told the Manchester Guardian in 1997 that after the "collapse of her health," including extreme fatigue and gynecological problems, she underwent a hysterectomy in her 30s.

After a careful review of Thompson's article, of a seven-page monthly breakdown of Plath's symptoms for 1958 through 1959 and of the documented evidence of Plath's pregnancies and postpartum symptoms of 1959 through 1962, Bair said, "If you hack through the PMDD criteria, I think that you'll find that she fits the PMDD profile."

#sylvia plath #pmdd #this almost made me cry #SHE UNDERSTOOD

168 notes · View notes

frame0fmind · 4 years

Text

My Turning Point | A (somewhat) 2019 Review

This past year (2019) was a weird one for me. It marked a major turning point in my life.

One that launched me into a journey of self-improvement, search for clarity, and acquiring a better frame of mind.

And it’s weird because the amount of change that happened in such a short period of time is amazing.

Let me tell you about it.

My Turning Point

This might be a long read... but I’ll try to be as succinct as possible. I promise!

It all started when I was a few months into work after graduating (this was around April-August 2019). I felt miserable and I couldn’t figure out why.

Each day felt like a blur. Like some kind of episode in a show that I need to watch from beginning to end then simply move on the next one.

I then realized that I was pretty much sleepwalking through life up until that point. I was usually depressed, I barely exercise, sedentary, my happiness is always dependent on other things or other people, I couldn’t change my bad habits, and so on.

Although it’s not like I was never happy before, it’s just that I had a poor grasp of what really brings fulfillment in my life.

What’s even worse is that I didn’t know what to do about it, so I did nothing. I continued to distract myself from myself.

It was then around September [of 2019], if I’m not mistaken, when I was drawn into the world of self-improvement.

I started slow and messy—really messy! However, as days, weeks, and months passed by my 1% of improvements started to accumulate and take some form.

I got into journaling. I started a habit of reading. I started to do some exercise, even though it’s still not that much at the time. I started a meditation practice.

And all of those have been tools for me for learning about myself; how I work; how my mind works; and how change works.

Little by little I started to find clarity in my life.

Okay back to the present.

I won’t lie and say that I’ve completely figured out my life and what I really want out of it after that point. And that I don’t get depressed, worry, or get into some negative patterns. I’m still human after all.

We’re rarely told this but personal growth will inevitably look messy. It’s not a linear process. It’s life. And we just figure things out as we go.

I’ve no doubt in my mind that this journey, in which I’m still at today, will take more than my entire life time. However, it’s well worth the effort because the alternative is continuing to just be a passive observer of my own life.

Now, even though I may not be a 100% certain of everything, I can be rest assured that I’m at least heading generally in the right direction. And that’s all I need for now. :)

(PS. I’m based in the Philippines.)

3 notes · View notes

soyouthinkyoucansleep · 5 years

Text

Battle of the Blades Episode 1 Review

For those who saw my earlier post, I got to go to the live taping of BOTB in Hamilton...my tickets were the front row (excluding VIP) so I got a really really good view! Here is my review of the show. I’m gonna talk about all of the couples in the order they skated. I was also gonna talk about the judges and some comments on the show overall but I’ll save that for another post since this is getting long.

A quick intro into the format. So during the commercial break, which is about 3 minutes, the skaters on deck get to warm up. For most of it, everyone focused on stroking with a few timers for lifts in there. The skaters are scored in the 10.0 system rather than 6.0 in the past which was a little weird. For today’s show, Tessa and Scott counted as one judge (they gave one score together). I felt like I was watching NCAA gymnastics for a bit. In the past, eliminations were based solely on viewer votes; the scores were just guidelines. Now like DWTS, its a combination of viewer votes and the judge's scores. The bottom two based on that will be required to compete in a skate-off next week and the winner of the skate-off is selected by the judges. Winner stays, loser goes home.

I went with my younger sister who is a figure skater so the technical comments come from her. It was great sitting with her to get that insight. Scroll below the cut for all my comments.

Natalie Spooner and Andrew Poje

They were the first ones to go so they had the pressure of setting the bar for everyone. Nat was away at Hockey Canada’s national team camp for about 8 days and she only got back to figure skating Monday morning, leaving three full days of rehearsals before the show.

Naturally, Natalie seemed very very nervous in this warm-up, almost looking like she was about to throw up. She kept looking at the ground while skating (a big no-no, as per my sister) and I noticed a few times Andrew reminded her to look up.

While the warm-up may have been a recipe for a bad skate, the routine was anything but! Nat had a huge smile on her face and seemed to have fun the entire time once the program got started. There was one major lift, a knee slide in there, and some footwork. Andrew and the choreographers did a good job adding a little mix of everything and they highlighted that Natalie was a strong skater (compared to many of the others). Completely forgot the fact that she’s hopping back and forth between hockey and figure skates because of her national team commitments.

They ended with 27.9 (9.3′s across the board) for T-3rd overall.

Colton Orr and Amanda Evora

Amanda is the reigning BOTB champion so there’s a little bit of expectation for her there. She’s skating for Boys & Girls Clubs of Canada in honour of a friend of hers who recently passed away (I think he’s the father of one of her students, Grace Knoop?)

Overall, they weren’t terrible but there wasn’t anything exciting about them. They did two lifts and a death spiral but the remainder mostly felt like stroking. Colton was also very right and like Kurt said, didn’t allow his lower body to move freely and separately from the upper body. Time could help with this but they were in last place with 27.4 (9.2 from Colby Armstrong, 9.1 from VM and Kurt). They will need the votes and potentially a good skate-off next week to be safe for week 3. My sister thinks they’ll be the ones to go home first and I agree with her.

Sheldon Kennedy and Kaitlyn Weaver

tw: abuse, sexual abuse

Sheldon’s intro piece focused on the abuse he suffered at the hands of his hockey coach Graham James. CBC did not shy away from the topic. They stated that Graham kept trading for Sheldon in the junior leagues so he could keep abusing him. The intro piece then showed how Sheldon took this terrible thing that happened to him and made it his life’s mission to educate the world and have these discussions so it doesn’t happen again.

What was truly amazing was how the crowd erupted in cheers for Sheldon at that part. It felt like the entire country of Canada is proud of Sheldon for the person he has become. I could see Sheldon getting a little emotional by that response.

They skated to Wake Me Up by Avicii which kinda tells the story of Sheldon wanting to run away from hockey to escape his abuse but found himself again and found joy in his life. And this routine was the literal definition of fun and joy. Sheldon and Kaitlyn had the biggest smiles on their faces and were both having the time of their life.

Not to take away from the fun, but they also skated probably the most difficult routine technically out there. There was an overhead lift. This is especially amazing considering Sheldon is only 5′10″ and Kaitlyn is 5′7″. Kaitlyn was not going easy on him and threw in a bit of the Yankee Polka pattern dance. YANKEE POLKA. AND they made sure to get the crowd involved too.

They received a well deserved, unanimous standing ovation. Like everyone was standing up, even the women with canes in the rows behind me. And they finished the night with 28.3 (9.4, 9.4, 9.5 from Kurt) in first place.

Amanda Kessel and Eric Radford

In the intro piece, you could see how much Amanda really looks up to her older brother Phil Kessel (Stanley Cup winner with Pittsburgh) and I think that’s so precious. She even chose Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto as her charity after seeing Phil bring the Stanley Cup to the kids and seeing their reactions and subsequently the work Sick Kids does for these children and their families.

Amanda and Eric skated to “Juice” by Lizzo so I was already excited for that. In terms of training footage, both Amanda and Eric posted a lot of lifts so I was excited to see what they were planning. They did do a fair number of lifts and a death spiral in there which were well executed. However, beyond that, I felt Amanda was very similar to Colton as she was very tight and rigid. Because she was the one being lifted, it was less noticeable compared to Colton–the lifts and tricks in a sense “broke apart” the tight skating. They ended in second last, with 27.7 (9.3 from Colby, 9.2 from the others)

Brian McGrattan and Vanessa James

Brian McGrattan is a Hamilton Native so this was a homecoming for him. He lives in Calgary now but a lot of family and friends were here supporting him. Brian discussed his struggles with anxiety and depression which lead to alcoholism. He then sought treatment through the NHL’s alcohol abuse program.

Side note: It’s amazing that CBC, and these hockey players, are not shying away from these difficult topics. Brian McGrattan is a 6′4″, big, tattooed, enforcer. If he can come out on national TV and say “hey I struggled with depression and anxiety and I sought help”, I hope that inspires other boys and men to not shy away from these problems. The stigma with mental health is stronger with men and boys and I think people like Brian can make a difference. So kudos to the players and CBC for having these topics.

The program overall was elegant and vulnerable which is a completely different side to what people are used to for Brian, but he pulled it off really well. Brian truly opened himself up and was committed to the program. Technically they had some amazing lifts and a good connection. Overall they scored 27.9 to tie for 3rd with Natalie and Andrew but the individual judges were all over the place a bit (9.4 from Colby, 9.3 from VM, 9.2 from Kurt)

Bruno Gervais and Ekaterina Gordeeva

I’m just gonna start off by saying Bruno Gervais is an amazing dude. Just out of the goodness of his heart essentially, he started a charity with his close friend Max Talbot (husband of former Canadian Ladies’ Champion Cynthia Phaneuf) which provides underprivileged children with opportunities, ranging from sports to funding hospitals. They started this charity together when both were just 23 years old!

Katia is a queen. That is all that needs to be said. She was referred to as the G.O.A.T. by Kurt and Ron MacLean many times throughout the night, and rightly so. Both of them worked with Elladj Balde a fair bit which was very helpful for them. Elladj is trilingual (English, Russian, and French)–Katia’s first language is Russian and Bruno’s is French so Elladj communicated with them in their respective mother tongues.

Elladj’s influence was seen at the beginning of the routine with Bruno busting out some [very good] dance moves. His skating was very fluid and relaxed and he was very comfortable with the lifts, even doing a “combination lift” per se which involved a lot of twists and turns. They got a partial standing ovation from the crowd, the only other team to do so. I forget their score off the top of my head but they were in second place, close to Sheldon and Kaitlyn.

So that’s my review of the skates...stay tuned tomorrow for comments on the judges and the show overall.

Also, my messages are open if you want to ask me about anything in particular!

#battle of the blades #botb #figure skating #battle is back #kaitlyn weaver #sheldon kennedy #andrew poje #natalie spooner #ekaterina gordeeva #bruno gervais #vanessa james #brian mcgrattan #colton orr #amanda evora #amanda kessel #eric radford

31 notes · View notes

juniper-tree · 5 years

Text

writing life, 2: ghosts

(long post warning)

In a previous post wherein I talked about my NaNo failure and my writing process, I mentioned there were other things I hoped to do with my writing this year (and beyond). I’m an ambitious, driven person and have always had Big Plans.

All those plans have been hugely influenced by a project I took on earlier this year, and what I learned from it.

I became a romance ghostwriter. And then I quit.

Way back in the winter, I alluded to a writing project I was in the middle of, with an established author. Well, this was it. I was her ghostwriter.

I’m abiding by the NDA we agreed upon, though even if we had not, naming names in this context is tacky. So no titles, no links—just my experience and what I went through.

I submitted writing samples through a site, then had a few back and forth emails with the author to see if I would be a good fit. I was, and she hired me to write a novella for her second author brand.

I didn’t know either of her pen names, or her real name. It made sense to me she wouldn’t want to divulge her professional name and possibly be outed for hiring a ghostwriter until she knew it would work out.

Her main brand/name, she said, had a very specific theme. The second brand would be more contemporary, allow her to experiment with different styles and tropes. That made sense to me, too. I imagined her established brand as a Tessa Dare-style historical with all the expectations that would carry. Perhaps she wanted to publish contemporary stories with a little more spice, under a new name?

My assumptions were very wrong. But I’ll get to that.

Problem was, the demand for her content was so high that she could not fulfill it all. She needed a ghost to give her more to publish. I would come up with the idea, she would ok it, I would write it, she would tweak it, I would be paid, her readers would be happy. Decent arrangement.

And it really was. I don’t have a moral problem with ghostwriting, clearly. Some people do, and that’s fair. It is a lie, in a way. It upends the expected contract between reader and author of authenticity (though that’s questionable much of the time, regardless).

There is a lot of abuse in it—plagiarism, for one; absolutely terrible pay for the work, for another.

Of course, it doesn’t have to be like that. This wasn’t. I went in with my eyes open about the system. I asked for what I felt was a fair price for my level of skill and what my time was worth. It was far above the dismal average that ghostwriters typically get.

I got it, without any experience or history, on the strength of my writing. She also made it very clear she did not want to perpetuate the content factory mentality of so many self-published, ghostwritten romances. This had to be good, original work, and I would be compensated fairly.

She was generous with money and with time, and very helpful in shaping my work into what she needed for her brand. No complaints about her as a person or from a work perspective.

When the work was finished, she was happy, and so was I, despite it being pretty far outside my area of interest. It was a decent story, it had feels, it had sexy times, it had a nice HEA.

I made a fairly strong attempt to subvert some of the more odious aspects of many mainstream, contemporary, heterosexual romances—iffy consent, power imbalances, misogyny, conservative ideas about money.

That was probably my first mistake.

A lot of my subversions were changed or edited out.

To give a minor example, I specifically noted many times that the male hero was pale. This was for situational character reasons—as well as the fact that I grow weary of tan, toned beefcakes as default in romance.

The author changed every “pale” to “tan.” Heaven forbid the sexy man not have a tan. (I think she put more muscles on him, too, but I don’t specifically recall.)

This sounds petty. Perhaps it is. But it’s also emblematic of other, larger changes that were made to fit the romance mold, as opposed to allowing anything slightly left of center.

There are many reasons romance is so popular, and one is, obviously, the comfort: of falling into repeated patterns and conventions, of reading your favorite tropes endlessly, of not having to think too hard about how things fit together. I appreciate all of that.

We find it in fanfiction, too—we revel in it.

But there’s a reason why overturning even minor subversions bothers me. I’ll get to that, too.

Like I said, the author was happy. She wanted to continue working with me on a long-term basis, give me a co-writing credit for future works, help grow my own audience in the genre, etc. All very generous and great.

Problem was, when I saw the published work, I finally found out her pen names, so I could see her other books.

Not only were they nothing like what I had written (some of the reviews said it was “so different” for this author, which was hilarious), they made me very uncomfortable.

Again, under an NDA, so I can’t list specific details. There were just endless dominant, alpha-male, ultra-rich men who have disturbingly obsessive and coercive relationships with vulnerable young women. Money is involved in the relationship in some way. The heroines are nobody, the heroes are Somebody. Aren’t these women lucky to snag these guys?

The fact that I can say all that and have it be completely non-specific to any particular romance author is extremely telling of the problems of the genre. I could literally be talking about EL James (I’m not - her bad writing appears to be her own).

I read/skimmed a couple of them, and I could see an attempt was made to “sweeten” the heroes so they were vulnerable (or pitiable, really). But the tropes themselves are toxic.

The author herself was great? We even had an early discussion on what were complete no-gos for romance, and judging by that I thought we were on the same page regarding what’s creepy and what’s romantic. Apparently not.

Who wants to read this? Who wants to write it? Lots of people, that’s who.

This is a chicken and egg thing, though, isn’t it? Someone wrote it first, way back when.

Romance fans (and I count myself among them!) like to say that a lot of the worst, most “rapey” novels are way out of fashion, that the terrible misogyny is gone, that there’s a new kind of romance that people want to read today.

And that is definitely true for a certain percentage of traditionally published romance novels. There are lots of good ones, unproblematic ones, progressive ones.

Please go read those—they are so fun and enjoyable and will make you feel good.

But what of the rest? The romance readers read and buy these toxic tropes. The authors keep putting them out, because that’s what readers want. The readers keeping buying it. The cycle continues.

(I want to go into this further with fanfiction, but that’s for another post.)

The fact that even the most minor of my attempts at subversion were squashed was really disheartening. It wasn’t that my writing was changed—I couldn’t care less about that. It was that the slightest diversion from the carved-in-stone Alpha Male Romance Idea was clearly unacceptable. Not to mention the larger diversions—I did make those, too.

I made my hero perfectly successful at what he did for a living, though not excessively so—but I also made my heroine perfectly successful and doing just fine, thanks. In the final work? He’s secretly a billionaire. He can just take care of her without all that pesky work. That depressed me.

I was cringing at the idea that I’d have to keep stuffing in worse and worse tropes, toxic relationships, misogynistic overtones, conservative philosophies, and scary power imbalances just to make some money.

This isn’t an audience I want.

The thought of reinforcing these ideas in any way threw me into a major crisis of conscience. I just couldn’t do it.

Like I said, it was a great and generous deal—for someone else. For someone who likes this kind of thing, or is a bit more mercenary than I am. I’m not willing to go there.

So that’s basically the end of ghostwriting for me. I have lots of my own ideas that are non-toxic, fun, and maybe people will even want to read them. But if they would rather read the stuff I hate, that’s their business. I won’t be a part of it.

Personally, I like lots of things in romance and fanfiction that are fantasies, that are not the ways in which I want to live my life—bad heroes and troubled women, relationships that make you go “hmmm,” problematic-ness and intense, dark passions, and all that stuff that’s over the top. I get it!

It’s just that I want subtlety and shades (not of Grey) and all the real dirt and grime and the beauty and joy that make your heart race and your mind wander. Not just the stamped, approved, here’s-what-you-get dosage of unexamined clichés. (Examined clichés are often very good.)

I learned so much from this process. Not only what my own limits are, but what I really want to do, by seeing up close what I do not. So I am grateful for the whole episode, but happy to be past it.

On to greener pastures, and work which makes me proud.

#personal #ok to reblog :)#if you read all this you are a champ #on writing

20 notes · View notes

faneliacosplay · 5 years

Text

Top 10 of 2018

C2018 was a year is this nicest way I can sum it up. My precious fur-baby passed away after fighting a horrible illness and is in a happier place, my health went crazy (still is as of writing), and I finally broke free from an abusive toxic person who had been controlling me for a huge chunk of my life. Despite the bad things that happened, I want to focus on the good things of 2018. One of things I began doing in January of 2018 was at the end of every week, I would write down all of the good things that happened to me, be it sewing, watched a good movie, spending time with a friend, etc. So without further ado, here’s my Top 10 of 2018! (I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S ALREADY MARCH!!)

1. The Ancient Magus’ Bride

- I’ve been a lifelong fan of Beauty and the Beast-like stories ever since I watched the classic Disney film. The manga kept popping up in my recommendations for the majority of 2017 and I remember seeing a poster at my local theater for a premiere showing of the first 3 episodes of the then-upcoming anime (I have since regretted not going to this showing). I finally caved and bought the first two volumes of the manga and literally went back to the store two days later and bought the next 2 volumes. I’ve always been a very picky person with my romance be it movie, novel, anime, manga, etc., but this quickly became one of my favorites with it’s excellent world-building, relationships, and don’t even get me started on how gorgeous the animation is! If you want an excellent Beauty & the Beast adaptation, you won’t be disappointed. (I am unashamed of crying happy tears in public while watching the final episode)

2. Satoshi Kon’s Filmography

- My New Year’s resolution was to watch all of the late Satoshi Kon’s works, starting with his debut film Perfect Blue. I had wanted to watch this film for several years, and it did not disappoint. (I kept spamming for people to go and see it when it got a theatrical re-release in Fall 2018) Next was Kon’s final project Paprika, which I watched about 3 times in May and many times over 2018 and still notice something new every time I watch it. Finally, I watched *the* film that I have wanted to watch for many, many years (since 2004 to be exact): Millennium Actress. I was not prepared for how moving this film would be with its themes of the past vs. present, how an ordinary encounter can lead to something so much more, and lastly: love transcends time. If you could only watch one of Satoshi Kon’s works, please choose to watch Millennium Actress. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to watch Kon’s other two works, but I aim to in 2019 (along with reading his works)

3. Slayers

- I watched some of Slayers back in middle school and in summer 2016, but never took off with it until in 2018. I knew I would like this funny series about the adventures of a fiery sorceress, dumb as a stump swordsman, optimistic hero-in-training, and an overly-serious chimera, but I had no idea it would become one of my top 10 favorite anime series! I haven’t laughed so much with an anime in a while, and I greatly appreciated it since my fur-baby passed away and this was one of the last anime we watched together. There’s just something about 90s fantasy anime that’s just so appealing. I will throw in that while I love the tv series, the films are worth watching too, with The Motion Picture being my favorite. If you need something to cheer you up, I highly recommend Slayers!

4. Venom

- Confession: I did not have high hopes for this movie. I was the only one among my friends who was uninterested in this film whenever we would watch the trailers/promos/etc. Eventually after this movie came out, my friends and best friend convinced me to see it. My sociology buddy told me “This movie wasn’t marketed right! Go see it!!” and another told me “This is the best action rom-com of 2018.” The next day my family asked me if I wanted to see it and Bohemian Rhapsody (also an excellent film) and I said “Sure!” This film has since spawned never-ending jokes between me and my best friend. (I ended up making her a Venom scarf for Christmas!) If you’re trying to get someone to see this film, don’t show them the trailers depicting it as a dark, gritty, action thriller, show them the home video trailer depicting it as a rom-com because that’s exactly what it is. I still can’t believe that a movie about a human falling in love with a man-eating gooey alien is real.

5. The Shape of Water

- “2017 will be remembered as the year men screwed up so badly, women started dating fish.”- Jimmy Kimmel, 2018 Oscars. I’m beginning to see a pattern for stories of humans falling in love with monsters. My mom and I wanted to see this film after the trailer dropped in summer 2017 and were disappointed when the film didn’t play here. However, sometime in February 2018, this film played in our town for one weekend, so we dashed to the theater. I don’t even know where to start with how beautiful this film is and since several people I know still haven’t watched it I’ll just state this: Please watch this film. It earned the 4 Oscars it won. (It earned all 10 it was nominated for!)

6. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse

- I almost didn’t see this film. 2018 was a pretty hectic year for me and I didn’t really keep up with films/entertainment news, so I saw no trailers for this film (except for a really short tv ad). All I knew was what my best friend had said: “Brianna, let’s go see Spider-verse. In 3D.” (y’all, 2018 was the year of listening to my best friend) It was so nice not only to see a different Spider-Man, a diverse cast, a well-curated soundtrack, and a completely new style of animation that makes you feel as though you’re reading/watching a comic book??? Sign me up! I’m so happy this film won the Oscar!!

7. Macross Frontier Movies

- I’ve fallen deep into the Macross hole in the past year or two and have no plans of crawling out. The 2008 series Macross Frontier was my first and favorite entry in the series so far. I knew that there were two recap/alternate retelling films made, so when I was free one day I watched them and I was really surprised that I enjoyed them more than the tv series!? I haven’t really mentioned this, but my big problem with the tv series of Frontier was it’s ending being not too good. I don’t want to ruin it since Macross (particularly made after 2001) is a bit unknown in the USA, but I will say that if you want to get into this franchise, start with the Frontier movies or with the iconic Macross: Do you remember love? film. The music is just as good as the tv series, same with the costumes, and the writing is much better! The performance of Northern Cross at the climax of The Wings of Goodbye was really moving. Not “Do you remember love?” moving, but pretty close.

8. Sailor Moon Theatrical Double-Feature

- Everyone who knows me knows that I’ve loved Sailor Moon for pretty much all of my life (ever since the 3rd & 4th seasons aired on Toonami back in the day!) A holiday tradition for me was to watch the 2nd theatrical every Christmas Eve, unfortunately my two VHS tapes finally gave out in 2016. Thanks to Viz Media, this past summer saw theatrical re-releases of all 3 Sailor Moon films. Shockingly, my local theater was showing the films subbed so my mom and I bought our tickets right away. It was so surreal seeing these films that I grew up with on the big screen, and I know non-Sailor Moon fans won’t get this, but hearing/watching the whole “Moon Revenge” sequence in the theater was so intense. This part never got to me as a kid for some weird reason and I had no idea I was crying until my mom pointed it out at the end of the film. With the 2nd film, seeing Luna transform into a human was emotionally moving as always, just 10 times more since it was on the big screen with that nice surround sound system. That night when I got home, I didn’t get any sleep since I still couldn’t believe that this happened. The now 20+ years old Sailor Moon movies got released for the first time in USA theaters. This is an experience I’m going to remember for the rest of my life.

9. Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card Arc

- I was so excited when a sequel to Cardcaptor Sakura was announced. Like Sailor Moon, I watched this series as the heavily-edited Cardcaptors on Toonami. When I got older and learned that there was more anime out there besides the ones I saw on TV, I went back and watched Cardcaptor Sakura to get the whole, magical story and even read the manga, which I believe is the greatest children’s manga ever made. I loved every single moment of the new series and felt as though I were watching another episode of the classic series. The only thing that felt different was that the animation is no longer hand-drawn. (it’s still good) When you reboot or make a sequel to a series be it tv, film, or book, sometimes it’ll miss the charm that made it so enjoyable in the first place. Clear Card thankfully still carries the charm its predecessor had.

10. Little Witch Academia

- I had started this anime around holiday 2017 but didn’t finish it until early 2018. This was one of the most optimistic series I’d ever had the pleasure of watching. I don’t want to compare the two, but the inspirational message that Kiki’s Delivery Service gave me when I was 10, was the exact inspirational message you will find in Little Witch Academia. (and that I needed to hear as a 20-year-old) I was starting to get a bit depressed and losing confidence in myself with my science grades getting lower no matter what I tried, as well as other things in my personal life. After dropping Science, I had a long wait between classes, so I decided to start watching Little Witch Academia again. Seeing our protagonist Akko trying her best at flying a broom and failing was me with my science grades, but her determination to get her broom just a few centimeters off the ground was so inspiring to watch. After this I watched the other Studio Trigger works I had yet to see, and while they’re all good in their own way, none of them have left the imprint LWA left on me. Sometimes when I get frustrated or lack confidence in myself, I tell myself Shiny Chariot’s words of wisdom that motivated Akko throughout the series: “Never forget your beautiful dreams. Believing is your magic!!”

#2018 #2018 in review #The Ancient Magus Bride #millennium actress #satoshi kon #slayers anime #lina inverse #venom #the shape of water #into the spider verse #macross frontier #sailor moon #cardcaptor sakura clear card #clear card arc #little witch academia #brianna talks #slayers

178 notes · View notes

theearlymorningmist · 5 years

Text

21 Things I Learned in 21 Years

Jenna Marbles does this every year....with the big two-one coming up, and being just a few short months away from getting my BAH, figured I’d share what little wisdom I have for anyone who wants. :)

1. Don’t compare yourself to others. The only person you should judge yourself up against is your past self. See how far you’ve already come, and how far you will continue to go. At your pace.

2. It’s okay to change your mind. Nothing in life is constant, especially not yourself. Changing your mind isn’t quitting or making a mistake. You needed to go down that path to figure out your next one.

3. Routines are important not “boring”. They’re healthy and super beneficial. Don’t let society tell you when they think you should go to sleep, or what they think you should be doing with your time. You don’t need to do the exact same thing everyday, but establish a few hard boundaries in your life. Ie- I always go to bed before 1am, I do my laundry every Sunday morning, I have a cup of tea with lunch but water with dinner, etc...

4. Treat Yo Self. Parks and Rec taught me much, this being one of the biggies! Reinforce positive behavior with little treats. I get really bad anxiety about going to the grocery store, but I tell myself that if I go in store (as opposed to ordering groceries online) I get a little snack. I finish working on that big essay, I get to sleep in a bit the next morning.

5. Wash your face. It doesn’t have to be with fancy products or anything, just a little warm water. It makes a world of difference waking you up, improving your mood, etc...

6. Alcohol is over rated. It’s true. I’m not saying don’t drink, sure have a glass of something once in a while if you’re old enough and you’re in a safe space. But don’t believe movies/tv/culture when they tell you it’s normal to drink every night or every weekend. Casual alcoholism is sky rocketing in young adults, partially because of university/college drinking culture. Be responsible. And if you feel like you have to be drinking to hang out with someone, that’s not a healthy relationship.

7. Keep some things just for yourself. It’s important to share things with the important people in your life, but be wary of giving away too much of yourself. If you find that you need to tell someone, anyone, else about news the moment you get it, before you can accept or process it on your own, it can develop into a negative need for external validation. Find validation within yourself first, sit with that news or those feelings for a while. Make sure you know how you feel about someone before sharing it with someone else.

8. Clean your fridge out. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but clean your fridge my friend. Get rid of everything out of date, organize things (small plastic containers are great for creating sections), even give that sucker a wipe down with a Lysol wipe once a month. Just do it.

9. Don’t do drugs. Just don’t. Anything not medically required/prescribed is not worth it. I’ve seen family members, close friends, old school mates, etc... go down that path and they always regret it. Always. It’s not experimenting, figuring out who you are, seizing the moment, etc. It’s just a terrible decision that can and will effect you for the rest of your life.

10. No one is entitled to be in your life or receive your affection. Not even family. Only people who treat you right deserve your time. You are too important to waste time and energy on anyone else.

11. Question your teachers/authority figures. They are not always right. They do not automatically deserve your respect. No matter how much older than you someone is, or what their authority over you is, you are a human being who deserves respect and kindness. No one can punish you for having an opinion that doesn’t coincide with theirs.

12. Everyone should go to counselling or therapy. Nothing special here. Everyone needs to talk to someone who has no agenda in their life (positive or negative). Everyone can stand to learn how to better handle problems and emotions. It’s just healthy.

13. Don’t curl back up after waking up. Curling up again makes it too easy to fall back asleep. Keep your legs straight. Even lift your arms in the air to get your blood flowing. Take a few deep breaths to slowly wake yourself up. Even sleeping with the curtains opens so the sun shines on you makes getting up easier. It doesn’t have to be a struggle.

14. People show you who they are over and over again. Things don’t just happen for no reason. And barring a major head trauma, habits don’t come out of no where. If you’re not happy with how a person acts / treats you at this moment, odds are they won’t change. Be prepared to live with that behavior or be prepared to end that shit.

15. Trusting your gut is a skill like any other, it takes practice. It takes time to learn the difference between what you know in your heart/gut is right for you instead of what you think you want, or what fits with the image you project.

16. You’re entitled to ALL your emotions. Even if it’s an over-reaction, that’s important. There’s a reason behind the blow up. You’re allowed to feel anything and everything, so long as you’re not hurting anyone else.

17. Take care of your body. Drink water, eat fruit, wear sunscreen. But also on a more serious level, please never harm yourself. It’s a habit that never quite goes away, and although it took me many years to learn- the body is not to blame for what’s going on in your mind.

18. Don’t snoop around. Everyone has secrets, and they have them for a reason. Plus, you might find something you didn’t want to see. Respect people’s privacy, even if you’re concerned about them.

19. Recognize your own patterns. We get used to things, even if they’re bad for us. And after a while, we can even respond positively to things that aren’t good for you. The first step is recognizing these patterns. Once you recognize your patterns you can curb your responses. Learn not to fall for the positive responses and not to be afraid of feeling uncomfortable when actually treated well.

20. Sometimes the best way to take care of yourself is by taking care of someone/something else. You should always be a priority in your life, but it’s often a lot easier to give kind words/actions to someone/something else. If you have trouble taking care of yourself, learn through taking care of another. When I was in a really bad depressive episode I forced myself to get up and eat every morning by saying “I wake up to feed my fish.” and “I eat when he eats.”

21. Happiness is an emotion like any other. It’s fluctuating, and can be experienced a million different ways in different intensities. If you want to feel happy you need to work at it yourself- it’s not something to find. No one is happy all the time, that’s impossible and unhealthy. You’ll enjoy when you do feel happy more if you stop idealizing happiness as the be all end all of emotions. All emotions are necessary and valid.

#feel free to ignore all these #theyre just my opinion #21 years of life feels really long but also really short #happy birthday to me yall #21 things ive learned in 21 years

9 notes · View notes

ittakesrain · 5 years

Text

Track Your Shit

I sat on the couch in my psychiatrist’s office with my arms crossed and steam billowing out of my ears.

“Are you on cocaine?” he asked without a hint of sarcasm.

“No,” I shot back, completely bewildered but appropriately defensive.

“Then you’re bipolar.”

Yup. That was how I was diagnosed. And to my memory, that was really the only major piece of information my psychiatrist gave me that day. There was no supplemental information given to me, no sort of enlightenment or introduction into the all-consuming project that would be managing my difficult and sometimes debilitating condition, and I left the office with what felt like a really random label and a higher dose of Abilify. I was nineteen years old, I was a chemistry major in college, I’d kicked the hell out of an eating disorder, and I was bipolar. The facts didn’t matter too much. Right?

Over the next several years, I really didn’t hear the word “bipolar” all too frequently, in or out of my psychiatrist’s office, despite the increasingly, uh, intense fluctuations in my moods and energy as well as steadily growing anxiety and irritability. Weird, am I right? For a diagnosis that impacts pretty much all aspects of a person’s life, in one way or another, to not be mentioned nearly enough times? There are more fitting words, but sure, we’ll go with ‘weird.’

By the time I graduated college, I knew my diagnosis was playing a larger role in my life that I originally assumed it would. I started keeping track of when I took my meds (and with that tried not to miss any doses). I recorded my moods more frequently. I did some cursory research into my disorder. And I finally started noticing patterns in my cycle and knew to watch out for specific warning signs. And mind you, doing all of that was a pretty big accomplishment for someone who was given virtually no guidance. Not to mention a medication regime that was significantly lacking.

The first thing I realized was that my episodes often began with feeling “emotionally itchy,” or “like I want to rip my face off” and “jump out of my skin and out of who I am as a person.” Thanks to the knowledge I have now, I can use different language to describe what actually goes on as I inch ever closer to a major episode. I become incredibly irritable and experience what’s called “dysphoric mania.” I have the racing thoughts and flight of ideas that come with manic episodes, meaning my brain is running at a million miles a minute and I can’t keep myself focused on one idea long enough to think it through, but it’s not what anyone would call a happy feeling (not that mania is to be confused with mere happiness). In my dysphoric state, I have too much energy, so much so that it physically hurts me as it swells from within me and threatens to burst open at any second. I often cut myself in such a state because I need the assumed and metaphorical emotional release as well as the physical release of endorphins in response to injury.

Then I began to see that if I missed my meds for any period of time longer than a day or two, I felt the effects about two weeks later. If I forgot (or “forgot”) to take my Abilify for let’s say a full week, I’d be in the middle of a relentless and torturous depression in about fourteen days. Sidenote, I shouldn’t have missed ANY days of meds, but lo and behold, I wasn’t exactly warned all too well against it. But to see a pattern, to determine the cause of a specific (and dramatic) dip in my moods, was hugely influential in my life. Not to mention, it brought me to google how the medication I was prescribed actually works. And, spoiler, every single human being who is prescribed any medication at all should be aware of what the fucking medication does and how it works and all of that. Seriously. So important. Turns out Abilify is “long acting” and takes about two weeks to leave my system.

Furthermore, Abilify is a type of drug called an “atypical antipsychotic.” Those types of drugs are frequently used as mood stabilizers. They’re the second generation of drugs that you’ve probably seen being used on dramatic medical shows or movies about psychiatric hospitals that knock people who are acting “insane” out. They’re used as tranquilizers. Haldol is an example of one that works fast and Thorazine is an example of one that works somewhat slower. Those are called typical antipsychotics. Atypicals like Abilify have fewer side effects. They work to influence serotonin (the neurotransmitter sometimes called the “happy molecule”) as opposed to blocking signals from dopamine (the “pleasure and reward” neurotransmitter).

Right. So as you see I’ve become fairly well-versed in the goings-on of impending episodes and the key pieces of information surrounding them. Again, this is phenomenally helpful. But my point is that I should have been given this information from the get-go. I should’ve been prepared and taught, should’ve been armed with education given to me by a human being who knew what the fuck was happening to me and how bad it would potentially get if I didn’t have the fucking said information! I got there myself, and I’m damn proud of myself for doing so. And it still brings me peace of mind and a sense of control to research bipolar disorder, and learn new things about treatments and meds and biochemistry, and to work through my recorded moods and symptoms to find existing patterns or warnings. But for fuck’s sake, why wasn’t I told about the importance of recording the fluctuations or about psychoeducation as a tremendously powerful tool?

Alright alright, not going to continue dwelling on the past and how I was royally screwed (at least not in this particular blog post). Because as I look to the future, I know things will at the very least make more sense. I’ll at least be able to understand this bullshit and from there hopefully combat it better.

Which brings me to a few months ago as I began to embark on a new and more um, intense journey of self-discovery and understanding –which, in turn, is allowing me to feel significantly less dread about my eventual (and inevitable?) next episodes. It started when I wound up in the emergency room for the first time in October 2018 when a depressive episode took a terrible turn for the worse. I was 27 years old and at the end of my rope. Exhausted from years of worsening symptoms and my cries for help going unheard, my begging and pleading remaining unnoticed, I collapsed into chaotic despair.

The good that came from that particular visit to rock bottom was that I subsequently found a therapist (no, I hadn’t been in therapy previously and yes, that was really dumb) who is literally the coolest person ever, in addition to being really fucking good at what she does. And a few months after that, my amazing therapist helped me find a better psychiatrist, and from there we all began the arduous task of getting my act together and trying to stabilize the shitshow of my life.

As it turns out, since I was on a medication that didn’t do much for me for such a long time, my bipolar disorder was able to “mature.” To further develop and overall just get worse. Literally look it up. It’s a known thing that bipolar worsens if left untreated, and I absolutely feel that mine at the very least wasn’t being treated properly. Lucky me.

But since beginning to see my therapist in November and my new medication provider in February, I’ve learned like, so so so much. I know to stop and breathe when I start to get worked up, because I know I have gone for long periods of time without inhaling and exhaling like a functioning human. I know that I fidget around and repeat purposeless motions (“display signs of psychomotor agitation”) because it comforts me when I’m anxious. I know I have issues with control, with the desire to feel safe, with things that aren’t fair.

Also. Insomnia is a huge red flag for me and for the majority of bipolars. It’s both a symptom of approaching mania and a trigger for it. Meaning, when you start staying up all night long, you’ve gotta find a way to get some sleep before it gets worse and leads to an episode. It also means that you can’t voluntarily pull all-nighters (if you can help it) because that might land you in the middle of a manic break as well. And as if that wouldn’t suck enough, a despairing depression would most certainly follow the agitated (hypo)mania.

Alcohol is another one. Now, I’m not huge on drinking. I never partook in any of that before I was of legal age anyway (which is perhaps a testament to my nerdy younger self haha), and once I started drinking, I had trouble getting past the gross taste. I still do. But when I drink as an adult (which I haven’t done in a few months, mind you), I drink to get fucked up. So basically, I drink in a way that’s literally terrible for my bipolar. It’s a cycle, too. I’ll have a bad day and come home and take five shots of fireball, and I get shitfaced so I have a terrible day the next day. It’s similar to insomnia in that it perpetuates itself and that I’ve gotta be responsible about it.

[On that note, by the way, I should say that maintaining stability involves quite a few key things (such as sleep hygiene, med compliance, the nutrition you fuel your body with, the way you move your body, being mindful and having the ability to focus on breathing, following pre-set routines, your support system, your coping skills and crisis-management tools, and your healthcare professionals…to name a few). It’s imperative to keep up with each thing to prevent all hell from breaking loose.]

I’ve also come to see that, for whatever reason, my major episodes usually have a definitive end but not a clearcut start. As in, I can identify the specific day my depression ends, but the irritability and frenetic energy and aggressive outbursts start out kind of slowly and increase steadily until my moods surrender into despondent melancholy. At this point, I believe the phenomena has to do with my tendency to ruminate and nearly drown in repetitive thoughts. I really struggle with redirecting my brain away from negatives. It could also be because of my coexisting ADHD, but either way, I can’t knock myself out of a bad mood as easily as most people can. So even something small going wrong has the potential to send me spiraling. I can’t think myself out of it. But I can easily make it worse –by ruminating and letting the negatives repeat like a broken record in my head. The decline, therefore, moves like a ball rolling down a ramp. On the opposite end of a “crazy spell” (as I called them way back in the day before I learned all this enlightening information) we have the ball being yanked back up as if it was attached to a string or something. As in, something good can happen that completely “snaps me out” of a major depression. It’s wild to think about. Like, fuck, why can’t more good things happen? Maybe then I’d spend less time wanting to die. I have, however, come to learn how to put myself in the line of things that have the potential to knock me off the crazy train. File that under “bitchin’ coping skills.”

Thanks to psychoeducation, I’ve also come to understand some of my personality traits. I’ve often called myself “volatile.” I fly off the handle fairly quickly, I accelerate from zero to 100 faster than the Kinga Ka roller coaster at Six Flags. My therapist calls it being reactive, and I prefer that phrasing now. My reactivity is part of my personality, but I understand it more clearly by looking at it through the lens of what I know about bipolar disorder. Similarly, in addition to reacting more, I react bigger. I guess some people might call it being dramatic, but again, I prefer to think of it in terms of how my therapist explained it: I’m wired intensely. I feel things in a bigger way. She once said something along the lines of “you can light up a city with your emotions,” and I don’t think she used the word emotions, but that was the gist. My intensity if a part of who I am. And honestly, as much as it can be super annoying and anxiety-producing, it’s not all bad and I choose to label it as a good thing.

Oh, and I pretty much knew this already, but I like to write/type because in my bipolar brain, the thoughts move more quickly than my mouth can move. It causes me to stutter, or stumble over my words, or lose my train of thought because I didn’t say something the right way and I can’t make my mouth move in a way to correct myself because I have fifteen thousand other thoughts flying through my mind and I can’t focus on any of it now. I exhibit pressured speech. Oh yeah, that’s one of my faves.

Thanks to psychoeducation, I’ve learned why I cling to my routines with a death-grip. Doing so is legitimately helpful to people with bipolar. Which is why going on vacation or starting a new job or a new chapter in life can throw bipolar people off in such grand ways. Circadian rhythms are screwy in us. We need to work hard to keep that shit in check. And the sleep-wake cycle and yes, routines, are part of that.

Okay then. With all of this knowledge being attained and a few more trips to rock bottom (and the emergency room) since October 2018…here I am. Still holding on, and doing better at that holding than I have in a while. A month and a half of normalcy without anything rocking the boat? I feel pretty damn good, thank you very much.

Oddly enough, stability can be just as scary for me as the complete and utter chaos of the rest of it. Like, now I have no excuses for not moving forward. Ugh, I have to move forward. But ya know what, I will. Because I’ve got the bipolar symptoms under control at the moment. There’s really nothing stopping me, so I’m sure as hell not gonna stop me.

Keeping records is absolutely fucking necessary. I’ve got no choice but to record my moods, anxiety, and irritability. I’ve gotta take my meds every fucking day and keep track of if I ever miss a day (which I shouldn’t). I need to write down other factors that play a role, such as my periods and when I have therapy and life stressors and stuff like that.

It’s taken, holy shit, so much work to acquire the awareness I currently have. And moving forward will require consistently working on what I know and actively seeking more information. But dude, I’ve come this far. I’m not gonna stop now.

#bipolar #bipolar disorder #bipolarstrong #bipolar strong #bipolar disorder awareness #mental illness #mental illness recovery #mental health #mental health blogger #moods #mood disorder #mood tracking #mood tracker

2 notes · View notes