#it's dead I won't be updating it i've moved on with my interests and my life too

[last-words-ofashootingstar]

Allure

Part Two:Knuckle Velvet

❥MATZ x fem reader

Part One(Sunshine)

Part Three(Smoke)

➯a/n: i'm so glad people like this story, i've spent so much time on it and it's a labor of love, enjoy part two <33 if you're new here, part one is very much needed to understand what's going on and please read the warnings and take care of yourself ! if you didn't see my update, i lost the final draft of part three and now only have a paper draft so apologies that it will take a little bit to be uploaded ❤️‍🩹

✃ "Mind, body, soul, and wolf."

♫"Nothing hurts like the way you do; like the way you say "I love you." " -Knuckle Velvet, Ethel Cain♫Allure Soundtrack

✫彡wordcount: 6.9k

(>ᴗ•)♡´･ᴗ･`♡genre: smut, YANDERE, a/b/o au

ಠ_ಠwarning/content: DEAD DOVE I MURDERED THAT BEOTCH chapter specific: not beta read(ironically), criminal MATZ, alpha MATZ/omega reader, forced soul bonding, forced marking, nobody is mentally well, yandere and possessive behavior, talk of murder, talk of drugs, bits of humor because i was going insane, smoking 🍃, sh in the form of putting joints out on skin(NOT READER, NOT DESCRIPTIVE), reckless driving(is that a warning?), reader needs a hug like honestly-

cunnilingus, nudity, heat cycle, outdoor, fingering, THIS IS NOT A NON CON FIC, ALL SMUT IS CONSENSUAL.

⁂perm taglist: @stvrfir3 @tunaasan @marievllr-abg

⁂fic taglist: @potatomountain @spooo00oky @choichaeyiul @cheynalexilaiho @haven-cove @hwasbabygirl @gong-fourz @chaotic-floral @hyukssunflower @unlikelysublimekryptonite @tinybada @sunnyhokyu @calisnewworld @elysiangroundsforall

MATURE UNDER CUT MDNI

˚➶ ｡˚ PART TWO ˚➶ ｡˚

Something is wrong.

The warmth of your bed calls you back to sleep as you stir.

Something is wrong.

The smell of cooking pancakes wafts through the air, your stomach churns in interest.

Something is wrong.

The hand on your side is so soft it's almost fleeting.

Something is wrong.

Your eyes snap open, blurry vision landing on an unfortunately familiar set of features. Long brown hair, full lips in a seemingly perpetual line, thick letters on his neck.

You let out a scream as your body catches up with your mind, kicking Seonghwas arm and crawling back into the corner of your bed. "Sleep well? I sure hope so, Hongjoong nearly cried because you didn't get to mark him back before you passed out." His calm demeanor is the very antithesis of your state; frazzled and heart beating wildly in your ears. "I'm not too pleased with waiting either."

You go to pull the blanket over yourself again when he rips it off the bed completely. "G-go away, or else..." Your weak attempt at a threat makes the criminal grin, and he stands from his squatting position, looming over your cowering form.

"Oh you don't know how deep in you are, do you?" He purrs, crawling onto the mattress. It creaks pitifully under his weight as he moves ever closer.

He stops just short of being right in your face. "We own you. And when you stop this little tantrum, mark us back... you own us. A little thing like you, been on that blocker for God knows how long, you won't last but a few more hours until you're running to us with your tail between your legs. Hormones flooding your system, begging for your alphas...Begging for your mates." His eyes flick to your bruised shoulders, their marks peeking out of your scrubs. "Don't make us wait too long now, omega. We aren't patient men."

"Hwa!"

He leans away from you, yelling back to the voice, "what?!" His booming voice makes you jump, and take a deathly tight grip your pillow.

"Food!"

He looks back to you, and it's as if you can tell what he's thinking. You shake your head, slapping his hand away when he goes to grab your wrist. "C'mon now, you won't want an empty stomach when we mate-" He's cut off when a pillow hits his head, leaving him to let out an exasperated sigh.

Hongjoong turns around just as Seonghwa rounds the corner with your fidgeting form over his shoulder. "Hey, Dolly!" He greets casually, like this is an everyday occurrence, as he sets down the plate he's holding next to the other two on your little round table.

"Help! Help me!" You scream, gasping as you're quite literally thrown in a chair.

"No use in that," Hongjoong begins as he sits opposite of you, "no one will hear you. We cleared this place out. If they aren't dead, they're in the prison with our pack."

       Your eyes well with tears. You don't doubt his words for a second. Massacring and holding a town hostage wouldn't even be on the top three of their crimes.

      You take a shaking breath and gather yourself, glaring at the blonde silently. "Oh are you mad?" He asks teasingly. "We made ourselves comfy, hope you don't mind! Lovely little place you've got here."

You choose to stay silent, not trusting your own voice as it wavers even in your head.

"Eat up," Seonghwa pushes one of the plates to you, but Hongjoong snatches it back, eyeing you as you eye it.

It's been a full day since you've eaten, judging by the rising sun in the window. And you silently curse yourself for skipping lunch.

"Something you need to do first, Dolly." He taps his neck, a small grin playing at his lips as he notices your eyebrows push together. He wishes he could crawl into your head and see all of those thoughts that are undoubtedly suffocating you.

And they are. Your lungs feel heavy as you weigh every option against one another. You could run- but you've never outran an alpha, let alone two. You could hide- but that didn't work too well in the prison. You could simply refuse to return the bite- but the last wolf who did that was turned inside out, literally. You could simply cry and hope for their mercy- but you knew it would never come.

Your chair scratches the hardwood under it as you slowly push yourself away from the table. You notice you're missing your shoes as you trudge the few feet that feel like miles.

Hongjoongs head is eagerly turned to the untainted side, Seonghwa's mark mirrored to where you must leave yours.

You attempt to tune out the joyous howling of your wolf, tell her this is not a good thing. But she doesn't care. All she says is-

Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate.

You wince as your canines push through your gums unannounced, lip snarling upward to give them room.

Seonghwa watches with a sadistic glint in his eye as you bend forward, tears building up in your own.

You hate to admit that Hongjoong, both of them really, smell wonderful. But your wolf sure doesn't, she only chants louder.

Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate.

Your anxious breathes fan against his neck, goosebumps arising in response and anticipation.

His heart is skipping beats. You're so close that you can hear it.

Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate. Mate.

With a quick movement, your teeth are sunk into his flesh, forever bonding you.

˚➶ ｡˚

    The searing water pelts your back. Steam swirls in the air. Your cries and sniffles echo on the linoleum tile.

     After marking both alphas you didn't have much appetite but, after helping you rinse your mouth, Hongjoong had made you eat everything on your plate before he let you run to the bathroom and lock yourself in.

     Despite the pull in his gut, the urge to break down the door and comfort you, Hongjoong had forced himself to leave. He couldn't listen to your cries, even if he was the cause of them.

      That left the older alpha alone in your humble living room. He tuned his ears to focus on the rainfall, the rolling thunder, the periodic knocking of your air conditioning, anything but the sound of your sorrow.

    You don't quite find it in yourself to care who is or isn't in your home, you find yourself with a much more immediate problem.

     Seonghwa was right.

   You feel heat bubbling to life in your lower stomach, slowly consuming the ball of anxiety that resides there. Your wolf is loud. She won't shut up. Mate this, mate that, knot this, and knot that. You wish with every ounce of your being that she wouldn't be such a primal animal, but that's much like expecting a wild animal to be house trained.

     You find your tears slowly drying, washed away from your cheeks by the ever falling water.

     You hadn't had a heat in a good long while. And now you were mated to two alphas? Seonghwa was right, and you are beyond fucked. You'd never even had a partner during a heat.

     A whimper trembles past your lips without your consent, small and pathetic much like how you feel.

You go to grip the knobs, gasping as you see your claws. They look thicker than before, darker as well. You bring them to your face, turning your hand over and inspecting them. "What..."

A knock at the door startles you enough to grab the tub, new and improved nails leaving indents on the acrylic fiberglass. "(Y/n)? Don't get too hot, the steam is coming out into the hall."

"Go away!" You squeeze your eyes shut, praying Seonghwa didn't hear the sorry crack in your voice.

Your prayers, much like yesterday, go unanswered, unheard. "Are you okay in there? I know... I know the situation isn't ideal-"

"Shut up!" You growl, hand immediately slapped to your mouth in shock of your own outburst. The quiet is eating you alive, making you wish the raining water above you would somehow drown you.

"I'm coming in."

"No! Just fucking leave me alone." Your eyes are wide at the sound of your own voice once again. You, your body is curled into the corner of the tub wanting to disappear and become one with the tiles below you. You, your mouth is loud and proud with your anger.

He opens the lock with his claw, breaking your deceptive sense of privacy. The stream rises into the hall in a thick fog, obscuring his vision. He tries to look for your outline behind the shower curtain but he finds nothing. When a small sniff sounds, his eyes flick to the source. The shadow of a curled up body.

When he grab the curtain, your voice comes out quietly. "Please don't touch me."

"I won't." He speaks shortly, opening the fabric just enough to turn off the water. Immediately, with no sound to drown it out, he hears your irregular heartbeat. "I won't," he says with a voice soft with promise.

The silence drapes you both, listening closely to one another for any sign of movement or speech.

Your ears are perked up, eyes wide and wild as you watch his silhouette take a seat on the closed toilet. He seems to be watching you as well.

"You're in heat." He breaks the hush with a punch. It's not a question, more so it's an observation from his sharp senses.

"Yes." You whisper back.

"How long since you had your last one? That blocker was in there deep." His voice holds something like quiet empathy, which makes your wolf want to crawl to him even more. You try to calculate the years to give him a good estimate of how bad this will get, but your brain feels too hot in your head.

"Long," is all you can muster up.

The quiet blankets you again, the only sound the raging storm outside. A clap of thunder makes you jerk, wrapping your clawed hands around yourself for a sense of comfort.

His hand comes through the gap in the curtain, holding your large fluffy towel. You take it with an almost silent thank you, wrapping it around your shoulders as you stay seated.

He watches the steam dissipate, surveying your small bathroom. The tub and shower which currently holds you takes up the short wall. The toilet he sits on has a soft fabric covering on the lid, the short blue yarn matches the color of the walls and the striped curtain. Your medicine cabinet has small little flowers painted on it with an obviously careful hand. Your products on the counter are organized in re-used plastic containers. Your clothes are set on the edge and awaiting you.

He wonders what you'll do to their home when it becomes yours as well.

When you shuffle, he looks back to your distorted form. Slowly standing, you clear your throat. "Can you, uhm..."

"Yeah, yeah, sorry," he mutters as he stands, closing the door behind him.

Taking a peek around the drape, you make sure he's really gone before you step out and quickly dry yourself off, blinking away the tears that start to build again.

     With a fresh outfit on and having scrubbed off as much of them as you could, you step out of the bathroom for the first time in hours. Hongjoongs scent is weak, making you briefly wonder where he went as you tip toe around your own home.

     The door to your room is still ajar, but a glimpse inside shows no sign of the alpha who's smell is still strong. The sound of the TV draws you out to the compact living room. There, you can see the back of his head as he faces the box television, watching a rerun of Starsky and Hutchy.

     He says nothing as you sit down, and you say nothing back. He's not paying attention, and neither are you. But neither of you dare speak first.

˚➶ ｡˚

How you fell asleep, you have no idea. But the slam of the front door makes you jump awake, grabbing the nearest object which happens to be Seonghwas forearm.

He places his hand on yours wordlessly and turns to see whoever has the nerve to wake you. "Mingi?" He groans after a moment of reflection.

The strange man in your home, Mingi, is tall, taller than Seonghwa- and it makes you cower into the alpha subconsciously. He shakes the rain water out of his short pink hair in a way akin to a dog after a bath, unbothered by the glare and the wide eyes on him. "Hey!"

"What are you-"

"Joong sent me," he lifts up a duffel bag with a grin, kicking his shoes off as to not drag mud into your home and piss off his alphas mate. "Hi," he smiles more politely towards you as he slowly approaches, noticing your arms tremor.

"You forget how to knock?" Seonghwa grumbles as he stands, hand hesitantly leaving your own as he walks behind the couch to join the man.

"Well I didn't hear anything, I figured you were sleeping or something." He shrugs simply as he sits the bag on the sewing machine you use as a desk.

"We were, asshat." The brotherly bickering of the pack mates makes you smile, and you hide your lips in the cushion as you watch them carefully from you backwards seating on the couch.

     The pink haired man's attention lands on you as Seonghwa looks through the clothes in the bag. "Hi, 'm Mingi," he smiles kindly, holding his hand out to you only for it to be smacked down quickly by Seonghwa with a glare. "Uhm, rude," he rolls his eyes with a clear playfulness.

     "No touching," he huffs shortly, eyes flicking back to you. "He touches you, I cut off his fingers. I'm going to shower." He leans over the back off the couch and lifts your face out of the fabric gently, taking your lips in his possessively, leaving you flabbergasted as he leaves as quick as he came.

     Mingi whistles lowly as the bathroom door closes, chuckling at your starstruck expression. "This fuckin' guy, am I right?" He jokes, smiling awkwardly as he shifts his weight from foot to foot. "I'm an omega too, don't worry. I know it's scary coming across new wolves when you're like us, not knowing..."

      You nod silently, eyeing him up for any sign of danger. But you only find him shivering. "You want a towel or something...?"

    "Oh, if it's not any trouble," he smiles again, the gummy nature of it reminds you of Jihyun, and you find a lot of your nerves draining away. He's an omega like you, so you have a fair chance against him. And despite everything, you doubt Seonghwa would let anyone hurt you, let alone someone from his own pack.

    You sneak by him quickly and into the closet in the hall next to the bathroom, where you can hear the water running.

     "Here you go," you hand it over before taking a seat again, turning backwards on the couch to keep an eye on him as he towels off his hair.

    Starsky and Hutch keeps the silence from being too stiff, but it's clear Mingi has a lot of words on his tongue fighting to come out as he dries his arms.

    "Do-"

    "Is-"

    "Sorry," you both mumbles as you speak over each other. You motion to the seat next to you and he takes it with a quick, "thanks."

    "So," you begin, tucking your knees under your chin, "he's your alpha?"

    "Both of them, they lead together." He nods as he speaks, looking around your home.

    "That's weird," you mumble to yourself, picking at the string on your sock, "how does that work?"

     "Well... I mean they just kind of lead us all together. Make decisions together, it's not a dictatorship actually- they let us vote on stuff sometimes, it's nice. I'm sure you'll come to understand our pack, we're just a bit... different."

    "How did, uh, I mean I've heard some stuff, I dunno-"

    "You can ask me. I know those two probably weren't very talkative."

   "Yeah," you chuckle quietly, taking a peek at him, "they made their own pack, right? How did you end up here?"

    He looks back at you and slowly relaxes in his seat, both of you growing more comfortable as your wolves sniff one another out. "Yeah, that's right. They didn't roll up on a village like this and say, 'who's the strongest, let's fight', like most alphas come to be. They found each of us and asked us to join, didn't just demand it. I was one of the first, actually. They found me stealing some food in Minnesota, told me pledge my loyalty and I'll never be cold or hungry again."

   "And?"

  "Hm?"

   "Have you been?"

    "Never," he shakes his head, "they're good alphas. Maybe not the best people, but good alphas. I'm sorry you had to join us this way... they can be a bit impulsive, impatient." His eyes are low and voice even lower, like he's trying to hide his words from the man who's most definitely listening in. "They aren't monsters, at least not the kind the news makes them out to be. They're the monsters the world shaped them into."

     You feel his wolf calling out to yours, albeit weakly. You've never felt it before. Is it because you're finally apart of a real pack? Because you're his alphas mate? Your eyes flick to your wolves and his follow suit, a pink color that matches his hair.

"Mingi." His voice breaks your small staring competition, both of you looking to him. He looks a lot different on his own clothes, and it makes your annoyingly loud wolf even louder. His forearm sleeve and neck tattoo is on show in his dark grey wifebeater, finally freed from the long sleeve orange top. The marks on his shoulders are out and proud as well. His bell bottom jeans make his long legs look even longer, like he's more than half leg. His inked up fingers work nimbly to buckle his belt. That's when you finally look away, sinful thoughts flooding your head thanks to your building heat.

"Has Hongjoong come up with a plan with the rest of you?"

     You don't register that he's come up to the couch until he's picking you up. You grab onto his shoulders and bite your lip as you yelp.

     "He says we should just sneak attack their camp, Jongho's been able to sus out their location with his-" Mingi clears his throat to stop himself as Seonghwa sends him a glare while he sits, settling you in his lap. "With some intel... says they only have two scouts at a time."

You curl up on yourself, breathing deeply- which turns out to be a grave mistake. Seonghwas sandalwood scent floods you all at once, the musky smell of the prison washed away. A wave of arousal hits you like the one in the shower, and he squeezes you closer to his chest.

"He'll tell me about it later, go on and go back to the prison and tell him come back."

"Wha-"

"Go now."

"Yup, yeah, I'm gone." Mingi jumps up, leaving the towel on the couch as he dashes to the door, disappearing with a quick, "later!"

You try to scramble away the second the door shuts, but the alpha grabs your ankle and pins you to the couch. "Please, please!" You shake your head while sniveling, quieted when he cups the back of your neck softly.

"Calm down, omega," he whispers, keeping his weight off of you, "you need us to get rid of that heat, you know that don't you?"

You nod dreadfully, burying your face in the cushion. "I don't want-"

"Tell me what you want, and that's what I will do. Nothing more. I won't force you to do anything but I won't let you suffer in your heat, do you understand?"

"Yes..."

"Do you want me to let you go?"

Despite yourself, you whisper, "no..."

"Tell me how to help you. Tell me what you want. Tell me what you want, omega, and I will give it to you."

˚➶ ｡˚

By the time Hongjoong crashes through the front door clumsily, both of you are gone from the couch. A trail of torn clothes and the call of soft moans lead him to your bedroom, the door open wide to provide him a beautiful view.

You, in your bra and nearly nothing else. Legs spread around Seonghwas shoulders and socked toes curling into the bed. Your sharp teeth out and peeking through your lips as they part with a moan.

Seonghwa, kneeling and back arched as he anchors himself between your legs, forearms wrapped around your thighs. His tank top rising up to expose the ink on his lower back. Low, muffled moans rumble in his throat.

      "Started without me?" He asks smugly after he catches his breath from the overwhelming scene.

     Seonghwas head snaps back at the intruder, eyes red and jaw slick- but he goes right back to his meal, making you yip in surprise. Your eyes stay locked on his, lit aglow just like the alphas between your legs. Your chest rises and falls with bated breathes.

"Hongj-ah!" You grip the straps of Seonghwas top, eyes squeezing shut as you whine.

     Your logic and reasoning went out the window the second Seonghwas eyes turned red with lust. Now, you let your wolf get what she wants for the time being. You forgot how badly heats burn.

     Your bed dips and creaks with the additional weight as the younger alpha joins you. You feel his breath over the healing mark he left, followed by a lick which makes you gasp.

     Every touch both extinguishes the burn and makes it hotter.

    "You smell so good," Hongjoong coos into your neck, hands slowly wrapping around your waist, "will you let me have a taste too?"

      "Y-yes!" You nod eagerly, fidgeting under his light touches until a slender hand presses down on your stomach to keep you in place, followed by a growl.

     "I'm not done, am I, omega? I thought you wanted to cum on my tongue? That's what you asked for, after all," Seonghwa teases as he pulls back, free hand playing with the slick between your thighs. He watches with a smirk as you nod, over and over. "Yeah?"

    "Yeah! Please, Seonghwa!" You feel a pinch in your gut as you beg for the criminal, but it's washed away with another surge of pleasure. A soft hand on your cheek makes you push your eyes open, coming face to face with Hongjoong.

     "Poor omega," he pouts as he traces your jaw, "those blockers are good for nothing, only cause problems. We'll take good care of you, don't worry. Anything you want, Doll. Anything at all."

     Your request is wordless. A pull at his belt loop with your clawed finger.

˚➶ ｡˚

You're fast asleep with your heat satisfied for the time being, sandwiched between the two alphas in your small bed. They keep quiet, enjoying the moment. They know that when you awake without your heat blurring your mind, you'll be distant again.

And they don't blame you.

Mingi was right, they're impulsive. They wanted you and they got you the second they could. They'll do whatever they can to make you realize you're meant to be their omega, their mate. They'll build the trust one step at a time, they just had to make sure you wouldn't slip away in the meantime.

Your breathes are slow and steady, deep in the hands of exhaustion. One of your legs is hooked across Hongjoongs hips, the other tangled in Seonghwas bell bottoms. Your arms are wrapped around the blondes neck, head buried in his shoulder.

Seonghwa has one arm tucked under both of your heads, fingers twirling Hongjoongs hair mindlessly as he holds a joint between his lips, inhaling deeply and letting the smoke out slowly. His pants are undone and underwear clumsily pulled back up.

      Hongjoong has his eyes closed peacefully, though he's not sleeping. He's listening intently to your heart beats, enjoying the familiar smell of his alphas smoking and the feeling of your naked body clinging to his.

       "Leave tomorrow?" Seonghwa whispers hushedly, letting the smoke in his lungs out in a puff.

     "The quicker we get home the better. We need to start making a real plan for that fuck face Greene." He snarls silently, pressing his nose into your hair in an attempt to calm himself.   

     "And make sure no one messed up while we were caged."

     "They told me Yunhos been taking care of the traffic flow, we should be good on that part. I just want to get my claws bloody."

    Seonghwa chuckles, rubbing his temple, "you know what's fucked? If that coward didn't rat us out, we wouldn't've found our mate."

      Hongjoong cracks a small smile, cradling your unconscious body close to his chest as Seonghwa stands. "Maybe I'll go easy on him then." He smirks, watching his shoulders bounce with silent laughter as he leaves the room, a trail of smoke following him.

     Seonghwa closes the bathroom door behind him, staring at his reflection. He takes the joint between his index and middle finger, leaning toward the glass.

     Hongjoong was made for this world, for his world. But were you? Had they just doomed you to a pitiful existence? Did he even care if they did?

     Peddling drugs and getting your claws bloody. He couldn't imagine you doing it. But he couldn't imagine letting you go.

     He pulls his jeans down and his boxers leg up, snuffing out the joint on his thigh.

˚➶ ｡˚

   "It ain't a crime to be good to yourself! Lick it up! Lick it up! Woooo!"

      Your body is slung to the door of the van as Hongjoong drifts around the corner, the loud rock music only rivaled by his singing of it. You grab onto the passenger seat infront of you to hold yourself steady. "Does he have to be the one to drive?" You yell to Seognhwa who's in the row of seats behind you, laid across them with a grin.

     "He likes to pretend he's driving The A Team van!" 

        The van skids to a stop infront of the prison, and you have to force yourself to look away least you think about the people who are still being held hostage inside. "C'mon up here, Doll," Hongjoong holds his hand out to you in offering, and you take it. You crawl over the cup holder in the middle and land in the passenger seat, grabbing the bag they had let you pack before dragging you away from your home.

     "Where are we going?" You ask quietly, thankful that Hongjoong had the ears to be able to hear you over his cassette.

      "Back to our stomping grounds," he hums as he hits the button to unlock the doors, letting in the approaching group of people. "Los Aranza, it's in sou-"

     "What's up fuckers?" A young man shouts over the music as he hops into the middle row, making you jump as you look back. He smiles your way kindly, uttering a softer, "hey." 

    Mingi, who throws you a small smile, is climbing in next with a buffer man who immediately gives you the chills and a woman who looks like a sore thumb in the group. 

     Mingi gets in the back with Seonghwa and the woman ends up in the middle seat between the two other men despite her complaints.

"(Y/n), this is Wooyoung," Hongjoong introduces you to the first man, who waves your way. "Lia," the woman returns your awkward smile of a greeting. "And San," who, you don't expect to, leans over the center console and takes you in a sideways hug.

"No touching!" A grumble comes from the back, making San chuckle as he leans back into his seat.

"Nice to meet you," he grins brightly, promptly buckling his seatbelt when he hears Hongjoong start the vehicle back up.

Everyone else quickly copies his actions, and you get the memo the moment before the van lurches to life quickly.

The first few minutes are awkward silence save for the music, which Lia thankfully made the driver turn down.

"So, (Y/n)," Wooyoung starts up, "I don't want you to worry so..." You look back over your shoulder, taking a note of the small freckle under his eye as you search his features. "I just wanted to let you know that we called the state police before we left, it'll take a few hours but the rest of your village won't be stuck in there for too long."

The sentiment gives you the smallest hint of relief, knowing that they won't just be left there to wither until someone would notice that the whole town disappeared off the face of the planet. "Thanks..." You nod shortly, taking the time turned around to inspect the other new faces as well.

Lia has a seemingly familiar set of round and soft features, but you can't quite place it. Nor can you place her ranking in the group. She doesn't smell like a wolf, but you don't want to pry.

San, however, has the clear ego of a beta; chest puffed out and radiating confidence, but not power. He's got a smile that doesn't match any of that though, and that along with his friendly actions make you think he's not as scary as he presents.

You turn back around and face the road, watching the sign for your town wiz past.

"How far to Los A..."

"Aranza! Maybe like... 26 hours?" Lia's words make you look to Hongjoong, who's tapping away at the wheel as he speeds.

"Seonghwa," you call out.

"Hm?"

"Can someone else drive?"

˚➶ ｡˚

Your request was denied, obviously, and everyone had to hang on every time Hongjoong made a turn or hit a bump. Admittedly, it was fun to watch him let loose and sing his heart out while the wind knocked his hair around. That, paired with the surprisingly kind conversation that the pack members made with you made for a good first three hours.

After that, Wooyoung got grumpy. "I'm hungry!"

Then, Mingi chimed in, "I have to use the bathroom!"

Then, San, "My legs asleep! Ow, really Lia?"

When you gave Hongjoong a begging glance, that's when he finally started looking for an exit on the highway.

The mom and pop restaurant was run down and quiet, but you were thankful that that meant less people to see the rag tag team of criminals you were with and potentially cause problems. The van was parked half hazardously in the back by the restrooms, and Mingi was the first out from the back doors, practically dashing into the men's room.

You grab the handle to the passenger side door only to be grabbed on the opposite wrist. You look to the assailant and see Hongjoong with a questioning gaze. "What? I have to...go," you shrug his hand away, opening your door and hopping down before he can stop you again.

You hear some soft foot steps enter the bathroom as you hover, but they don't enter a stall. "Did they send you to babysit me," you groan, nearly slapping yourself as you speak before thinking again.

"Yeah, sorry..." Lia's voice is apologetic, and when you finally exit: her face is as well. "They can be a bit...uhm."

"Paranoid? Overbearing?"

"Yeah," she nods softly, using the mirror she stands infront of to look at you as you wash your hands. The way your shoulders slump and your head hangs low makes her heart ache for you. "I hope we can be friends. You're going to need some in this side of the world."

You look in the mirror in front of yourself, matching her stance as you watch one another through the glasses. "I hope so, too."

     When you join the men back outside, they're all sitting on the curb with plastic bags infront of them. Lia sits in the space between Mingi and San, immediately grappling at the bag the ladder holds out to her. Seonghwa hands you one as well, nodding for you to take it, "yours."

    Inside is two large styrofoam boxes of delicious smelling food, and you look up with your brows pressed together. "This is a lot of food, Seonghwa, I'm not going to eat all of this." You set down one as you open up the other and sit on the warm concrete between the two alphas.

     "You need it, you're still in heat." He hums plainly, dropping a french fry into his mouth as San spits one out from his.

     "Hey!" You yell, feeling the heat of embarrassment rising up your neck.

      "What? It's true." He looks around to his pack members, seeing the three lower men looking away from you while Lia simply shakes her head at him, and Hongjoong nods.

     "He's right, we didn't even fuck- ow!" He glares at Mingi as he slaps him upside the head, "we didn't! We only y'know... messed around."

     "Bro, shut up!" Mingi sends you a quick compassionate glance before turning his face to his food. "You guys have zero tact."

     "Tact? What the hells that?" Hongjoong mumbles from around his burger, "you made that up."

  In defiance of your anger at him, his antics make you smile as you take a bite of food.

˚➶ ｡˚

The next stop the vehicle makes is in the dead of night, the spring moon full and bright.

It was only you and Hongjoong awake when you asked if their promise from earlier still stood: whatever you need and nothing more.

He was quick to peel off the road and park the sleeping group before leading you into the woods to satisfy your once again noisy wolf.

You hate that you nearly start howling aloud when he pushes your back onto a tree, hand behind your head to protect it from the bark, and begins kissing you like he did in your bed.

He takes it a step further, slipping his hand down now that Seonghwa isn't there. His lips meld into yours as he slips his hand under the elastic waistband of your shorts. They travel lower as his fingers do the same, feeling the warmth of your heat which makes him groan into your neck.

When he feels your hands on his shoulders, he closes his eyes and cherishes your touch, letting his wolf drive him forward and press his body to yours in an act of affection which makes you dizzy.

His fingers find their way inside of you, making you gasp toward the stars. His knuckles feel like balls of velvet in your overly sensitive body, driving you nearer and nearer to the cliff of pleasure your wolf desperately needs to dive off of.

        Omega heats are pathetic, you think to yourself as your knees buckle: only being held up by Hongjoongs weight pressing you into the tree as he gives you satisfaction you're incapable of giving yourself.

Thankfully, all too soon, your pleasure reaches its peak and you tumble over it, gushing on his fingers and clinging to him as he kisses the healing mark his teeth left. He wraps his free arm around your back, holding your waist tightly as you tremble. "That's it, Doll..." His voice raises bumps on the flesh of your shoulder, his heavy breaths fanning them.

You can feel his length hard against you, but you're too afraid and too ashamed to acknowledge it and he knows it. But he's content with whatever you give to him in the moment, he doesn't care about his own pleasure as long as his mate is taken care of. He presses his nose into your scent and breathes deeply, letting out a growl as he feels your core clenching.

You feel a sense of dread as you come back to your head fully, watching with wide eyes as he takes his fingers from your shorts and into his mouth. You quickly look away, and hear him chuckling.

"It's okay to want us, Pretty. We're your mates. We want you just as bad."

You share a moment of sincere eye contact before your tears blur his image. "I'm afraid." You confess in a short huff, breathing in the soft wind that surrounds you.

   "Of what? We'll never let anything hurt you." His voice holds a simple directness, he means every word he says and he doesn't see the need to be poetic with it. He just wants to convey the truth to you. "Anyone looks at you the wrong way and I'll gut them. I'll put their head on a pike to show everyone else not to fuck with you."

      With his body once again pressing into you, albeit with a softness that wasn't found in your last heated moment, you find yourself looking down to avoid his wild eyes. He can smell a bittersweet spike of fear in your scent, and his brows furrow together.

     "I'm afraid of you... and of Seonghwa. You frighten me. You don't-" You bite your tongue before you let your emotions speak for you. After a moment, you break your silence, "you don't even know me... and it scares me what you're willing to do. You're criminals. And if... if you don't find me a suitable mate that I'll be next on your list of victims. I didn't ask for this, Hongjoong... I didn't want this."

      His face is stoic for a spell, but his lips slowly curve upward into a bestial grin: followed by the giggles that had haunted your dreams after the first time you heard them. "Oh, (Y/n)," he snickers, eyes closing with the force of his laughter. It rings out in the silent night and mocks you. What could he possibly be finding so funny about your legitimate fears?

     His body collapses into you as he laughs manically, making you freeze with a cry- your body trying to make itself small. You close your eyes, taking sniveling breaths as you will yourself to block out the deranged laughter. "Oh, you're just so adorable!"

    "S-stop laughing at me," you whine, attempting to push his weight off of you as the bark begins digging into your back. He doesn't look it, but he's heavy as all get out as he slumps into you.

     He grips your wrists as you push at his chest and pins them into the tree with his claws caging them in, all laughter gone in a spilt second as he glares down at you. "Now you listen, Doll," he growls between his teeth, making you cry sharper and clench your eyes tighter. He doesn't like that one bit. "Look at me when I'm talking to you, omega!"

You sheepishly open your eyes, too afraid to disobey him even though he's scaring the living daylights out of you with his mood swings. His eyes slowly return to normal, black fading into nothingness at the sight of your fearful eyes.

"Now you listen close, yeah?" He speaks softer than before, kicking your feet apart to stand between them and get closer to you. "You don't quite understand, I think... We could fucking smell you the second we rolled into that place. Now, Seonghwa thought it was a trick- a stupid ploy to get us to be tame. But when you walked into the room, oh we knew it was real! Just one wiff of your fresh scent and my wolf was clawing to get out. Even with that stupid blocker in your neck, we could smell you and that's how we knew. Other alphas won't even understand so it's okay that you don't. But, Doll, you were made for us, and we were made for you. The moon cut us from the same cloth, three pieces from the same puzzle. You were ours the second you were born, and we were yours. We are each others. We are each other. Mind, body, soul, and wolf, we belong to one another. So don't think for a second that we don't know you, okay? We are you. We'll chase you to the ends of the goddamn Earth if we have to. So don't ever fucking say some shit like that again, got it?! I would break open my chest and shove you inside if that's what it took to keep you safe. I'd walk on my hands and knees for eternity if that's what it takes to make you happy! So don't say some shit like that again, am I understood? You are our mate and we will treat you as such, nothing less than a Goddess among wolves and we the Gods that rule beside you. Do you understand?"

You're too busy sobbing, your small sniffles having grown into full blown fat tears and cries during his monologue, to answer him. He withdraws his claws and your arms fall limp to your side. His palms are warm and comforting on your cheeks even as he says firmly, "nod if you understand."

And all you can do is nod pathetically.

˚➶ ｡˚ PART TWO END ˚➶ ｡˚

#yandere fic #smut fic #ateez fic #yandere ateez #ateez matz #ateez au #ateez smau #park seonghwa #yandere seonghwa #seonghwa smut #kim hongjoong #yandere hongjoong #hongjoong smut #ateez smut #ateez x reader #yandere ateez x reader #yandere x reader #werewolf au

[autismprotocol]

TMAGP Theory Board (Episode 8-9)

Hi guys sorry about the missed week of theory crafting my schoolwork has been extra demanding and I haven't been able to get around to updating the board until now so here's the updated board

Episode 8 especially was insane so I'm gonna break the episode breakdown into two sections.

What Happened in Episode 8: Running On Empty

New Norris Statement! it's been a while since we heard from our buddy and he did not disappoint. though there's not much to say story-wise this was just a cool incident report I loved the way they described the Lonely as a constantly hungry entity. I also noticed that the pattern of Norris's statements having to do with lost love continues to be true. it's much more subtle than his previous two incidents but the statement giver does mention losing his wife because of divorce. which I believe still follows the pattern I've theorized is taking place. 

Something up with Alice. She seems more depressed and serious than she usually is in this episode. (through episode 9 I think I know why but I'll get to that later. I don't believe she is completely in the dark like some of the newer employees and after hearing about Gwen's promotion she is getting suspicious. we have yet to know if Alice knows what's happening. but her behavior in this episode might give us a hint about how naive she actually is.

Colin is Absent. After his freakout in EP 7, Colin is MIA. according to Lena, he's on a mental health break but I would not be surprised if that is a lie.

Gerry and Gertrude are Alive!! Probably the most exciting development in this episode was meeting an alive Gerry Keay and Gertrude Robison. Sam is on the hunt for info about the Magnus Institute after the emails Jon has been sending him and he and Celia end up meeting Gerry who in this universe is considerably more happy and lives with Gertrude. I'm interested to know what role Gertrude plays in this universe is she at all connected to the Institute? I definitely think something is up with her because of the way she tries to deflect Sam's question to Gerry.

Celia Lore. after the meeting with Gerry leads to a dead end for Sam, Celia asks him to help her with her mystery. "I'm trying to look into... Weird physics stuff: time travel, other dimensions, teleportation" More proof for this Celia being from from Archives. why else would she be looking into other dimensions specifically if she wasn't trying to figure out what happened at the Panopticon. (Remember as far as we know Celia before the change in Archives was just a normal person she had no connection to the entities or the Institute.) when Sam asks, she says it's for her friend's podcast but I think she's lying. or not telling the full truth.

Georgie Barker Perhaps? speaking of the friend. our last reveal of the episode is Georgie in protocol. I don't think she is from Archives because Georgie appears after Jons's sacrifice in MAG 200. 

And thats it for episode 8 so im gonna move on to Episode 9

What happened in Episode 9: Rolling With It

Sam is back to filling out onboarding paperwork but the questions on it are strange. asking about past traumas, how many dead things you've seen recently, and the infamous question why? similar types of questions that appear in TMA job interviews.

A Magnus Statement!?! After Celia tells Sam she can't find anything at the Magnus Institute Sam considers cutting his losses and letting it go. But then Chester without any prompting begins reading a Magnus statement incident to Sam. I still believe Chester is Jon and he acts as a mentor to Sam trying to keep him safe by providing him with bits of the answers he's looking for. (this way Sam won't be in danger of looking for answers elsewhere and maybe he won't be targeted by this unknown force that had killed RedCanary and driven Colin to extreme paranoia.) the statement reveals that the institute collected and stored artifacts much like the Institute in Archives. 

What's the deal with the Institute? the statement Chester shares this episode is pretty standard Magnus stuff, magic fear dice is just another Thursday for TMAG enjoyers. but what I found most interesting was the pre-statement info. What does this viability survey mean? viable for what? I and my roommate have a kind of joke theory that the Institute in this universe is a hub for training and creating new avatars but now I'm starting to think this might actually be the case. I think they are looking for people who have the potential to become avatars as subjects. for the agents, they might be employing avatars to work for the institute and the catalyst has to be finding an avatar that can complete the ritual and bring the Change. The unknown statement giver in this episode can't be a subject because they are already claimed by a power from the dice (still unsure what power it is ) they have low potential to become an agent because based on the end of the statement they now want nothing to do with the dice stepping away from their identity as a fear avatar and then dying. and for some reason, the institute must see some potential that this individual can serve as a catalyst for the ritual. I'm hopeful we'll get another avatar statement and maybe we can revisit this Viability survey again 

Gwen's First assignment. Gwen gets her first Liason assignment and it has brought up a major player from the protocol ARG. Mr Bonzo is this weird mascot character that showed up multiple times in the ARG that was launched back in the fall of 2023. Gwen is tasked with delivering an envelope with a name and address to Nigel Dickerson someone who according to Gwen is known for Mr. Bonzo. Basically, I have no idea where this is going but I definitely think it must be important. 

Poor Alice. Alice meets with Teddy to catch up. Nothing story significant happens here but we do learn that maybe Alice still harbors some romantic feelings towards Sam.

The Ruins. After her conversation with Teddy Alice is approached by Sam with a request. He wants to go to the old Magnus Institute ruins and wants Alice to come with him. This is definitely a bad idea but she agrees and that's where we leave off

and thats it for now. The story is getting so good and I'm already attached to all the characters so im terrified to see what Sam and alice dig up at the ruins (Sam clearly didn't heed the warning of the RedCanary)

#augustus tmagp #chester tmagp #gwendolyn bouchard #jonathan sims #lena kelley #martin blackwood #norris tmagp #the magnus protocol #tmagp #tmagp theory #colin becher #gwen bouchard #alice dyer #samama khalid #sam khalid #fanart #the magnus protocol spoilers #celia ripley #the magnus institute #the magnus pod #gertrude robinson #gerry keay

[buginacup]

Today's Tynk! Update is all text, so you can read it here:

Talking about my experience looking for publishers, and the circumstances surrounding development at the moment.

One full year into the publisher-search gauntlet.

A little over a year ago I entered into some promising conversations with a few publishers about Tynk!

While I initially was hoping to avoid publishers entirely, I was recovering from a year full of disasters and was in the process of paying the 10k+ cut of my campaign funds in taxes. It was becoming increasingly clear that I wasn't going to be able to develop the game full time without some additional financial buoyancy.

Some of the publisher conversations fell by the wayside quickly, but a few remained active for months on months. It's impossible to really communicate the deep time that these conversations operate on, especially if you're not interested in accepting the boilerplate terms (please, never accept the boilerplate terms.) I've been aching to be more transparent about this element of the development process but frankly I haven't been able to while these conversations were happening - it's hard to negotiate one's pay if you're posting about desperately needing money to make your thing. I've been keeping a poker face as best I can while I ride this stuff out.

But, you can tell this update isn't called "Guess Who I Just Signed With ;)" - these conversations all withered to dead ends. I had been relatively optimistic about the success of these negotiations but in the past few months things turned sour. I can't fully know why things didn't work out. Some had alluded to the current harsh winds blowing through the industry, others were more enigmatic with their falloff in interest.

So what do we do?

The more I've worked on Tynk! the more I've loved it, but I won't deny that it is a big undertaking. I'm still interested in finding a publisher to speed things along - but since I'm suddenly back at square one I'm going to need to establish some other avenue of stability while I cast my line and wait for a nibble.

I don't know what my next move is. I'll be chipping away at Tynk! as always, but my current circumstances might require I give it less priority for long enough that I can produce something much smaller that I can actually sell. I've also been considering setting up a Patreon where I occasionally do tutorials on concept design, pixel art, and other visual arts techniques - but I'm unhappy to be courting my audience for cash when you've already been so generous. If I end up launching something like that and you've backed the game, please don't feel obligated to contribute to it! Also, if you have any thoughts or suggestions for what I can do you can email me at [email protected].

I'll be honest - I'm disheartened, exhausted, and sad. It's obvious that I'll need to spend more time "building an audience" again, but even if I wasn't burnt out by the process of vouching for my own value for a year straight I don't have a clear vision of what that looks like in the internet of 2024. Maybe I'll set up shop on Bluesky or Mastadon as well as resume frequent Twitter posting. I'll be sure to let everyone know once I've planned my presence.

Thanks for your patience as I figure stuff out - Dear Tynk is taking her sweet time, but she'll get here.

#tynk! and the final phonorecord #tynk! #long post #text

[zorlok-if]

Hi everybody,

It's been a while. Sorry that I've been gone so long without explanation or communication, I've been in a bad place. For more info check under the cut. Otherwise, hello! I'm alive and so is this project. Progress has been stalled and will continue to be stalled because this is a hobby and I have to focus on priorities. That doesn't mean that it's dead. I still intend to release everything when I can. I appreciate your support and interest.

Hope you're all well! 😊

Albie

(cw: discussion of bad mental health, anxiety, and depression; school shooting mention)

Okay, hello! Welcome to the rest of this post.

Basically, I've been in a bad mental place for a long time and have a lot of issues that I've left unaddressed or festering—most of which tie back to depression, anxiety, fear, and self-loathing.

To start, I wasn't able to graduate this past winter because I fell one class short of my requirements. That really sent me into a spiral and put a strain on my interpersonal relationships.

Then I tried to take that last class this spring but fear related to recent school shootings exacerbated and activated some bad ND habits and I won't be able to complete this course. That means I still won't be able to graduate until I find some online equivalent or professor who will allow me to remain fully remote.

Around the time I found out I wouldn't be graduating, I also got some really cruel anon hate which added onto how I was already feeling and made me hesitant to put anything else out online.

Other things have happened: family stuff, work stuff, health stuff, sociopolitical stuff, etc. (I don't want to go into details with some and won't burden you with the rest). But, essentially, I found myself at a darker place than normal. I withdrew into myself and have been stewing in crippling self-loathing while wearing a convincing smile in my everyday life. (being really honest with this stuff so that if anyone else is going through/experienced something like this they can know they're not alone)

Fortunately, I was able to get away for a bit and spent some time with loved ones I rarely get to see. I've also made a few irl friends recently and feel like I'm coming back out of my shell and starting to heal after traumatic events and relationships. For the first time in a long time, I feel invigorated. I mean, I still feel like stinking trash, but garbage with a will to live and better itself.

As of right now, I'm moving out and finding more work so I can better support myself financially.

If you've read all this going, where's the Zorlok/(other game) update? Here you go: I've been working on Zorlok somewhat, but in the situation/place where I was at, found myself unable to justify dedicating a lot of time to writing and struggling to feel confident about what I was creating when I actually did sit down to do so. This project is in no way dead and I want to work on it and release games more than anything, but I owe it to myself and other people in my life to keep my priorities in check.

This is a hobby and in the past I dedicated time to it when I should've been doing other things. As long as this is a hobby, I can no longer take time away from my priorities to do something I just want to do (no matter how badly I want to do it). So, that's where we're at. I'm continuing to focus on critical things and stop feeling like a jerk for doing that. I know that this might disappoint some people, but that's how things are right now.

If you want to know more about where things are literally at: I'm close to finishing a heavily updated and expanded prologue but episode one has been undergoing changes. I feel pretty shit about myself and that's seeped into my view on what I create which is in turn stalling my ability to make meaningful progress that I don't immediately want to destroy. I've worked on potential Patreon content (including an exclusive game and a Creating Goncharov director's cut), made a Twine template and tutorial, and made progress on updates for Mousetrap and System Processing. I've avoided making changes to the Zorlok page (and my other itch.io pages) these past few months since I don't want people getting their hopes up seeing some sort of "update" from itch.io—only for that update to be "there's no game update yet." That's why those are still out of date, but I'll be fixing them as soon as I can.

So, that's where we are. I wish that I had way more to talk about and release, but that's not been a possibility and I'm just going to be upfront and honest—even if I am disappointed and somewhat afraid and ashamed to admit it. (that's it for the game updates, the rest just gets back to personal)

In general, I've always struggled with shame and fear and those are the main culprits for why I've been radio silent until now. I couldn't find a way to address these topics or talk about them without my odious inner critic getting triggered and shutting me down. However, I'm trying my best to not listen to that asshole because this (*gestures at everything*) must stop.

To be honest, I'm not content with prolonged existence anymore. I want to live—and that's more than I've been able to say for a long time. To be perfectly honest, for the past decade or so I've lived simply because others wanted me around, not because I wanted to be here. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of indifference being my best hope for how I feel about myself. I'm tired of forcing an apathetic soul to drag my flesh through the muck of living. I don't expect what I experience to improve, in fact things will definitely be getting tougher, but I want to change how I experience it. I want to actively live rather than passively slip by. I want to answer questions like "what do you want to do with your life?" and "what are your plans?" with more than vague shrugs and dead-hearted replies meant to brush people off the topic of the future. I want to stop passing through life as a ghost.

I'm still trying to find the motivation, purpose, or courage to genuinely live for myself instead of existing for other people. I still haven't found my "spark"—that properly and blissfully selfish reason to live—but I think wanting to search is a good start.

Anyways, I'll be around more and I'll be more honest with where I am and what's going on. It's my personal mission to deny fear's control over my life and actions. Part of that means allowing myself to be more open with people even if I'm afraid of judgment or negativity.

Excluding a few outliers, you've all been exceptionally kind and encouraging. I'm always overwhelmed and astonished with the support that's been shown to me and my creative projects and I appreciate you all. Thank you so much. Thank you for reading through this. Thank you for caring. You're part of why I'm around.

I hope that you're having a lovely day/night/et cetera and if you aren't, you're not alone ❤️.

I'll see you around. 😊 Thanks again,

Albie

#hi #albie's corner #update #but not a game update #sorry #just a general update #personal

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM THE MANDALORIAN *  assorted dialogue from season 1, episodes 7 and 8

that was a joke.

i think we should go.

this will make you complete.

at least out there, we've got a shot.

i would prefer to avoid any further violence, and encourage a moment of consideration.

i'm out of ideas.

care to double the bet?

i will very much make it worth your while.

hey, stop the boat!

did you know about this?

no no! stop! we're friends!

it seems like a straightforward operation.

this is the lava river.

it means more to me than you will ever know.

i have one more gift for your journey.

the minute we open the door, we're dead.

i'm not gonna make it.

i don't know. i've been advised to lay low.

they must know we're coming.

hey, i'm talking to you! i said stop!

yet somehow you walk free.

you know how it is.

i guess we can call it even.

should we offer that thing some water?

are we gonna keep talking or are we gonna get out of here?

i'm afraid i have more pressing matters at hand.

show me the one whose safety deemed such destruction.

you wish me to train this thing?

i'm shooting my way out of here.

you may wanna check again.

we're still moving.

i've seen otherwise.

i'm already free of worry, and i'm not in the mood to play soldier anymore.

we should at least discuss an escape plan.

i haven't heard that name spoken since i was a child.

if you're asking if you can trust me, you cannot.

i would gladly break any promise and watch you die at my hand.

i will act in my own self-interest.

this is unacceptable.

you may think you have some idea what you are in possession of. but you do not.

let's go over the plan again.

do you trust me?

you just wanna look at it.

i'm not hungry.

looks old. will it take the heat?

there is nothing to be sad about.

that's not good enough.

i can no longer carry this for you.

listen, you're not going anywhere.

we're getting close. saddle up.

did you do this? did you?

i can hold them back long enough for you to escape.

i will have no choice but to kill you.

we can make it.

at least cover your tattoo. no need to flaunt it.

get me close to him and i'll kill him.

would anyone care for some tea?

really? that could be a problem.

looks like we fight.

that's a go to proceed, but i advise you to double check.

it is meant to put you at ease.

thank you. i will wear this with honor.

i need to remove your helmet if i am to save you.

we need you.

if we can get down there, they can help us escape.

some of my favorite people are bounty hunters.

i'm not... sad.

i don't have a choice.

that's a good idea.

i don't care to find out.

what is that thing, anyway?

it was left behind in the wake of your destruction.

well, then what do you suggest? 'cause i can't surrender.

did any survive?

you got a better idea?

we need you.

i'm coming with you.

the plan was to kill you.

you have no choice.

who is this guy?

it is a shame that your people suffered so.

it looks helpless.

i get that point. do you get the point?

what did you do?

let's get the hell out of here.

you might be surprised to hear this, but i am alive too.

i will eliminate any enemy and you will escape.

what do you propose?

any update yet?

watch your feet.

i see nothing but death and chaos.

i've run into some problems.

you have something i want.

that's easy for you to say.

come with us.

i'm not gonna make it and you know it.

this is our only path out. can you clear it?

i won't leave you.

you don't have that kind of firepower.

i will not abandon this place until i have salvaged what remains.

you're staying here?

is there another way out?

he's trying to eat me.

#rp starters #rp memes #rp prompt #rp meme #rp musings #roleplay memes #roleplay prompt #roleplay meme #writing prompt #askbox meme #ask memes #rp asks #ask meme #inbox meme #inbox prompt #rp inbox meme #inbox prompts #sentence starter #sentence starter prompt #sentence starters #the mandalorian #star wars #mandalorian #mcflymemes

[parasolids]

i miss doing hourly comic day so heres a summary of my day so far

12-1 am: sleeping

1 am: i wake up needing to pee. i do that and go back to bed

4 am: i'm slipping in and out of sleep, dreaming. i vaguely remember a strange but interesting mall. in my dream they shut down the paint line for an emergency and i have to hurry through it in the dark like a maze, sprinklers dripping poisoned water into my hair. another dream and i'm at a party, and a girl from my high school is dead from alcohol poisoning and her parents carry her out wrapped in a white sheet, sobbing. i'm outside on the beach and they set her in the water. the waves pull away her shroud and all i see is her tattooed legs and i wonder if i really know this person, and then i see her face and realize i do. a popular girl from high school cradles her face in her hands. i rearrange the shroud around the dead girl when she begins to stir. she sits up wordlessly, the tide swirling around her, eyes unfocused. my alarm won't stop going off. i literally cannot get out of bed no matter how hard i try. i curl up under the sheets

5 am: i'm running very late and i don't want to use the work bathrooms so i skip my morning matcha. i drive to work and listen to an audiobook. it's kind of slow but not too bad

6 am: i sit at my desk for a while and then go upstairs to deal with a camera system

7 am: i continue dealing with the camera system, which isn't working for some reason, i chat with an engineer whose phone charger i've borrowed for the camera system, the guy i need to talk to isn't at his desk so i briefly hang out with one of my friends from IT til he shows up

8 am: we finally get the camera working and try setting it up. i look at the underbody of a car and see how many parts i can name from the bottom (from where i am i can see the frame, rear axle, axle wiring, leaf spring, heat shield, transmission, steering knuckle, driveshaft, brake caliper and rotor, fuel tank, catalytic converter, heat shield. there's some things i can't find or can't name, which is embarrassing, but it's all suspension parts and fortunately i'm not a suspension guy anymore)

9 am: we all go test a bunch of random trucks because our boss decided that's what he wanted us to do today. i catch a ride with some coworkers and think about eating lunch

10 am: still testing trucks. i'm mad because i want to listen to music but nothing's clicking and also i need to check for the car making odd sounds so i can't really properly listen to music. it's cold so i check the heating system first and test everything else while the car heats up. i warm my hands in the engine bay

11 am: i get back to the plant and then realize... i lost my wallet! and i can't get into the building without my wallet! and i've been getting in and out of a lot of trucks for the past two hours! and i don't remember which ones! and some of them might have been moved to another parking lot! i panic, drive back, and individually check each truck in the areas i was checking. luckily i find the wallet. i drive back to work.

12 pm: i eat lunch at my desk while handling emails because i used my lunch break on the wallet hunt. it's pizza and it's really good. i'm planning to chill for the rest of the day and then i realize i have to run a meeting at 1

1 pm: a coworker i like asks if i'm free in half an hour to help deal with an issue she's having. i tell her about the meeting. i speedrun the meeting. i've gotten a lot done over the past week so i bring a lot of updates to the table. after the meeting, i go to my coworker and we trade stories about work misadventures, and then i try to navigate the procedure she was having issues with but manage to spectacularly mess up and fail literally every single part, and then the machine stops working so we both just give up

2 pm: i ask an engineer a couple questions about how we handle a certain part, i leave work and hit the gas station. my mom gave me a gas station gift card she was gifted (her car is an EV and my dad rarely drives). it has less money than we thought so i can't fill my tank all the way. i get a horchata smoothie at the convenience store (i like getting a drink with my car when i fill her up, we bond over consuming liquids) but it tastes bad

3 pm: i drive home and listen to an album i won't name, which is really good but also vaguely anxiety inducing because i've taken a guitar lesson with the guitarist of the band and want to take more but trying to email him for scheduling is deeply anxiety inducing. i also listen to everything in transit by jacks mannequin which ive always loved but today it just sounds like noise.

4 pm: quick nap in bed and then i have the most wack telehealth appointment with my doctor in my life. she asks about my mood and i don't know how to tell her i'm having a really wild one so i don't. i don't want to talk to her about the whole issue i scheduled the appointment for but i do it anyways, which goes poorly.

5 pm: i clean my room, do something on my mom's car, completely mess it up, make a cup of coffee, do a covid test (which is broken), start taking the dishes out of the dishwasher, and realize i really need to pee so i sprint upstairs to shower

6 pm: shower. come downstairs and also kinda pissed off because i ran out of hot water despite showering pretty quick. i think i have covid because my dad has it and my throat hurts. i order a covid test from target. i eat dinner (frozen wontons and shrimp + a lot of fruit) and fantasize about smoothies

7 pm: i start writing this post and i comment on a reddit post. cringe. i work on stretching a piercing that fell out yesterday. this h urts.

8 pm: keep working on the post but i want to sleep now. i need to practice guitar. i was supposed to email that guy about guitar lessons... i work on music theory instead

#cactus.txt

[hergan416]

Writer's wrap: 30

AO3 Writer's Wrap (still accepting)

This is honestly a great one for now because it's not even Christmas, I guarantee I'll write more before the year is out.

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

Honestly-- how much I wrote. And I mean this as more than just "oh I hit a surprising number of words" it's like... HOW I wrote so much.

I don't think I particularly grew as a writer this year. In previous years I have participated in challenges and honed my craft and really worked hard to make quality writing. Writing... kind of hurt like that. There was a lot of stress to it. I had been asked by friends or acquaintances on more than one occasion why I wrote as a hobby if it stressed me out so much.

And this year... well I won't say I never stressed myself out. The initial update schedule for Poison Paradise was insane. I don't know how I got inspiration to write a chapter a day for that many days. I am glad that scaled back a little.

But at the same time... even without looking, I guarantee you that I've surpassed 2020's word count while holding a full time job. And with hardly ever writing for an official challenge (Albert's birthday was my choice. There were a couple of very fun tumblr prompts & an angst week thing...but like. I have ALWAYS wanted to write hanahaki disease for someone & finally had a chance. And the Allou Trimester & Louiliam2023Winter at the end of the year here are extremely loose challenges with very few restrictions for pairings I would have written anyway.. and when the Louiliam fic ended up having a sherliam element & broke the rules I just.. didn't add it to the event and wrote what I wanted anyway).

Anyway, it was different from the way I treated challenges in previous years-- I wasn't stressed about it. I was having fun. Which is.. ultimately, what a hobby is supposed to be, right?

My word count has to be directly tied to the amazing, positive people I have met in the last 10 months -- who let me be my authentic self and still come back for more. I have never been more unhinged, written more dead dove, let loose like this. I've never been more freakish; and at the same time I have been gifted with the most incredible outpouring of kind words, comments, support, tumblr interactions, and readership. I cannot possibly thank this community enough for letting me thrive like this.

I feel free. I know what I want from writing and it's not perfection anymore. It is to float around on the internet and find my people, bouncing ideas around. It's like I've found my niche as a person.

And the hyperfixation might not always be yuumori. I just binged the rest of One Piece and caught back up and OH DO I HAVE IDEAS, and a friend is starting to drag me into Hetalia somehow, because "I would do good there" or something, although I'm not sure yet if I'll want to write for it. Wherever my interests go though, I feel like I can absolutely carry this energy with me into the future, even in different fandoms where it's harder to "make it." Because I have this sense of "self" and "belonging" and "worth" and "pride" that I had lost for a very long time.

Even if I write less in 2024, if I can keep this confidence moving forward, I will be happy.

#ask answered #thank you so much #(both marr for the ask and the fandom at large for just being who and what you are)

[hellishjoel]

WIP Wednesday WUpdate

I usually try to post something every week/week and a half but I took a little time off to reset my brain with better vibes (PTO approved), so here's where we are at for those who are interested!

(FYI these aren't exactly in order. Just assume what has the most words written will most likely be posted first lol)

cinnamon girl - chapter 5 - 1.7k (has been put on the farthest back burner I'm afraid, a little stumped with it! hoping to jump back in soon don't fret)

psycho - part 5 (probably won't update until Psycho's favorite national holiday, Halloween!)

table for two - chapter 3 - 4.1k (I would be surprised if this wasn't out by the weekend? if it hasn't I'm dead, someone please call my mom)

new series - chapter 1 - 1.6k (who knows when this will be posted honestly. I just started writing it earlier this week but I'm purposely taking my damn time with it, I have a lot of aspirations for this one :') )

one shots (let's start with the 1,000 followers celebration post that I was supposed to make... 300 followers ago. I'm a bad person, let's move on) (works that I've made moodboards for but have yet to write/post: 11 LMAO)

no one asked, but enjoy!

#hellishjoel #hellishjoel wip update

[coffeeteaitsallfine]

Hello there, this is the person who asked you on anon about spn podcasts (although the actual spn blogging is happening in the sideblog 17yearslatewithlattes; being unable to send asks is one of the more annoying sideblog features x)). Anyway, thank you so much for the podcast recs!! I've been listening to Escaping Purgatory as I watch, and enjoying it a lot.

The show is sucking me in real quick too! I've watched the first 6 episodes, the most recent being Skin (which. Oof). I've been on tumblr/lurked in the spn fandom long enough to know a lot about the show and characters, and I've been pleasantly surprised by how fully-formed it feels from the get-go. Sam's taking a minute for me; I am fond of him but I think they really hamstrung him at the start by giving him a frustrating and lazy fridged love interest plot as his driving motivation this season. But Dean is already so faceted and dynamic and (despite his best efforts) vulnerable, and way more relatable than I expected. In particular I knew fans tend to see him as a caretaker, but I'd underestimated how much. I also expected his playboy persona to be played pretty straight (heh) in the beginning, but while it's subtle enough that I may very well have bought into it were I going in blind, when you know what to look for it's already so transparent. I mean seeing the shapeshifter pursue Becky in Skin while wearing Dean really highlights that actually we haven't seen Dean do that. He flirts incessantly and says crass stuff, but six episodes in any move beyond flirtation has been made exclusively by the women, and left Dean looking properly shell-shocked.

Meantime, even if I'm finding Sam a bit underdeveloped so far, the dynamic between Sam and Dean and John is already soo. Crunchy. From episode one. This ask is already plenty long so I won't go into that, but thank you again for the podcast recs and letting me update you on the watch!!

Glad you’re enjoying it! Yes the Dean lore goes deep in the early days more than one would expect. It’s funny to me how much they wanted Sam to be the main character. He’s like a ya female main character that’s self insert and vanilla compared to the interesting side characters. Though I think after S1 that starts to shift and S3 and 4 become more Dean centric.

I’d agree and it’s evident from the show that Dean usually has the emotionally vulnerable sex scenes compared to Sam. Dead in the water gets to me.

My ire for john winchester is eternal. So. Something Wicked is a good one to stoke those flames.

#also have you seen faith yet cause 💀😭

[atrial-ofhorror-if]

Hello hello! I had more questions because i was messing around with the demo again and i was curious about the MC's backgrounds and whether they'll be integral down the line, or whether they're more just for flavor text for some interesting dialogue?

MC's background options are really horrible events that seemed to change their life, but there's no mention of it other than the introduction at the start with the demon. like the drowned cousins, or the murdered family etc

for instance, my canon playthrough is with an MC with the childhood friend who was murdered, and finding her body because her ghost told them to find it. and then later further in the game, my MC talks about the ghosts appearing 'suddenly' with no mention of lily at all. i guess in my headcanon at least, lily's death changed MC and they never really got over her death. she still haunts them, so to speak.

my same question applies to ex courtney and even partner in crime courtney. will they be make later appearances down the line? Dead courtney is of course...dead. but i was wondering how much of a problem ex courtney was gonna be, because they feel pretty important

Hey whisper, sorry for the late response again but you asked me another good question I had to think about. And then I forgot about answering it because of work and some long forgotten invoices that our fiscal department just "happened" to find 🥲🥲🥲

But eitherway, onto the answers!

The backgrounds are definitely important and NOT for flavor. Your choices that you make, especially when we get further into the game and your MC finally being able to confront the spirits that haunt you, will play a fairly large role in the game. A main takeaway for everyone in regards to the backgrounds is that the ghosts that haunt/harrass you in the beginning of the game have been taken by wraith. Whether it's your mother's spirit, Lily's mother, or the waterlogged spirit.

Now it's interesting that you headcanon your MC still being affected by Lily's death, cause she does show up in this upcoming update and it's going to be... ALOT for MC. But I think the main takeaway is that the spirits that visit MC, at least now, don't have a choice in the matter of showing up to them. When Lily's body was found, her spirit was able to move on. It SHOULD have been the same for her mother.. but something is keeping her on this plane.

If it helps Lily isn't mad at MC. She could never be mad at them. They were her safe haven, even up until the moment that she was killed and came back. Especially when her father caved to the spirit 👀👀

Now there are 2 ways in which I plan to implement the MCs background, 2 of which I have no problem letting you guys know about. However the other 2, I'm still thinking about how to best implement:

Curses/Gifts: Based upon your background your MC will gain an ability that helps them through the "game" and any real-life haunting instances. Currently, "You shouldn't have seen that" and "I've got friends on the other side" have their gifts coded/written out for this next update. "Waterlogged Fellows" probably won't show up until a little later based on that ability. The curses are something that MC can experience as we get further into the game. Cause technically, the current demo is just the prologue still. The first episode is what we can consider the first chapter.

Spoiler: This won't show up til later but when the demi-gorgon is recalling your regrets and your past, it's for a reason. That and the core choices you make within the different games you get sent into will determine "something special" that MC will find out.

Now the regrets, with special attention to Courtney, are important to an extent. All Courtneys, sans the dead Courtney, will show up later in the game and will be a big problem. For ex-Courtney, they are dangerous not just because they have delusions of grandeur and desire for MC but because of... reasons. If y'all get the special choice further in the game, go ahead and let Yue or Faizan kill them immediately and save yourself the trouble 🥴🥴🥴

Dead Courtney is kind of special because I have it plotted out as being more of a battle within yourself if you choose to still feel guilty. And MC will find that they've caught the attention of some... aheminterestingahem people. Partially, Jin is the reason this happens if you guys have met them earlier on in the fair.

Whew, that was a lot 😅🥴 But I hoped it answered your question! If you have any more let me know~ 🤎🤎

#a trial of horror #if wip #twine game #the author answers! #interactive fiction #twine #interactive game #atoh #horror if #a trial of horrors if

[skygemspeaks]

my fic-writing brain has been on leave for the past month so we're probably not gonna get a proper fic of this, but i can't stop thinking about a blackbonnet reunion fic from the point of view of a new crewmember who joined after blackbeard had marooned the original crew of the revenge

he's not the only one that had joined, but he's the only one that lasts, the rest of them either dying in raids or fleeing after they realize that having to deal with izzy and the kraken is NOT worth the bragging rights of being on blackbeard's crew.

but not our boy. let's call him sam.

sam isn't really the biggest fan of his captain or his first mate, but the rest of the crew is just FASCINATING. there's the bard who seems pretty shit at just about anything to deal with sailing and who sam can't really figure out why he hasn't been thrown overboard yet, and there's the deadly assassin who's been locked up in their room the whole time sam has been aboard and the closest sam had come to even interacting with them is hearing them cursing up a storm in spanish through the door to their room/cell, and then there's the guy that sam is like 90% sure is living in the walls who comes out at night to cause mischief around the ship but who fang seems to know about so he's probably supposed to be here (???) and honestly it's pretty funny seeing him mess with izzy so sam keeps quiet about him in case this is a stowaway situation.

and then one night, sam is on watch, and he sees something in the distance that looks to be a rather small fishing boat headed straight for them. there are seven men on board, all but one of them hard at work rowing. the one that sam assumes is the captain is watching the revenge with a hawk-eyed gaze.

it's the dead of night, and izzy is always in such a bitchy mood when he's woken up for one reason or another and sam isn't about to deal with that, so he goes to wake up ivan and tell him what he sees.

ivan follows him out, and when his eyes land on the fishing boat, he stands still for a long second. sam watches as his face does some truly interesting things while an internal debate rages. finally, ivan turns to eye sam, and tells him to go wake up fang and let him know that captain bonnet is here, along with the rest of their crew.

"is this a mutiny situation?" asks sam, not moving.

ivan bobs his head side to side, making a so-so gesture with his hand.

"are you guys gonna win?" asks sam, because that's honestly all he really cares about at the moment. he doesn't have any particular loyalty to blackbeard - he just wants to be on the winning side.

"Oh, for sure," ivan tells him, rolling his eyes heavenward and letting out a weary sigh. "honestly, the only ones on this ship that don't want captain bonnet to win are izzy and blackbeard. and i've got 10 doubloons saying that blackbeard will come around after a bit of screaming, maybe some light stabbing."

which, okay, that's good enough for sam, who goes running off to wake up fang.

fang is absolutely DELIGHTED by this news, and immediately orders sam to go and update frenchie, as well as unlock the door to jim's room.

sam is a little leerie about this second order, mainly because he's not entirely sure that jim won't slit his throat as soon as the door is open wide enough for a blade to pass through, but he manages to get through the ordeal unharmed. honestly, jim seems more intent on getting up to the top deck as soon as they find out that "captain bonnet" is here.

so, half an hour later, the entire crew (plus the man who sam had been right about living in the walls) is on deck, minus blackbeard who never really came out of his cabin these days and izzy, who had been unceremoniously knocked unconscious by fang and tied up and gagged so that he wouldn't get in the way.

the fishing boat finally draws level, the ladder is thrown down for them, and there's a good deal of hushed, but very enthusiastic reunions between the newcomers and sam's crewmates. even sam gets a few hugs and "good to see you again, mate!"s from one or two of the newcomers, which is weird, because then he has to tell them that he's never met them before, and they laugh and say, "oh, that's why i didn't recognize you! figured that was just my bad memory!"

jim disappears off with one of the fellows back to their room, while a couple of the others slowly wander off deeper into the ship, navigating squeaky floorboards as if it's second nature, and sam's suspicions that this had originally been their ship are confirmed.

ivan and fang are standing by the one that sam is pretty sure is "captain bonnet" and they're discussing things with him in hushed tones. there's an air of deference there sam has only seen the two of them show towards blackbeard. not even izzy gets the kind of undivided attention and respect that these two are aiming towards this captain bonnet.

eventually, they seem to come to a decision, and captain bonnet heads off towards blackbeard's cabin, with purpose in his stride.

the crewmembers who hadn't wandered off yet settle down right there on the deck to chat, drawing sam into their conversation. there's an air of anticipation around them, and sam isn't sure what they're waiting for, but he's curious to find out, so he waits with them. this is by far the most interesting thing that has happened in his time with the crew.

every once in a while they'll throw glances towards the captain's cabin, though none of them make a move towards it, even when there's the sounds of furniture crashing into walls and screaming, and even a gunshot (???) not too long after captain bonnet had entered.

things do quiet down after the initial outburst, and sam sits on deck, waiting with the others until, about half an hour later, there's the sound of something slamming against one of the walls, and then a loud moan that sounds distinctly...sexual?

sam is mystified, because surely they can't-

the others around him immediately start cheering at the sound, and clapping each other on the back in a celebratory manner.

and just like that, the eerie hush that had settled over the revenge is banished, and everyone around him is laughing and talking merrily. someone has brought a barrel of ale from the kitchens, and they're all starting to get rather rowdy.

"what...is happening?" sam asks frenchie, sitting to his right.

frenchie throws an arm around his shoulders and pushes a mug into his hand.

"the captains have finally sorted out their lovers quarrel, of course!" he crows in triumph. "damn, and it's about time too. eddie has been absolutely awful these past few weeks, eh jim?"

sam...doesn't know what to think of that.

eddie??? he feels like he's stumbled into a play that's already well into its final act, and he has no idea what he's missed before, but he's definitely glad that he stuck it out in the crew this long, because it's the most fun he's had in ages. he's looking forward to getting to know both his captains better in the future.

#our flag means death #fang ofmd #frenchie ofmd #ivan ofmd #crew of the revenge #jim jimenez #edward teach #stede bonnet #blackbonnet #my writing #raw fic

[colorisbyshe]

i really don’t want to read the seven husband of eleanor hugo but i want to know what happens. why is it so bad like i assumed it would be but i need to hear the exact specific shitty details!!! (if you don’t mind sharing)

*Evelyn Hugo, not Eleanor

(Scroll down to my TLDR section if this is too much)

But... to start off, I need to stay that it's written by a straight, white woman and it is about... a lot of women of color. And the "soulmate" relationship in the book is about a lesbian and a bisexual woman and the bisexual woman is best friends with a gay man.

So, the author is writing about a lot of things she doesn't... really have experience with. I've given my complicated opinion on "Own Voices" which is that it CAN be okay to write outside of your own identity but the onus is on you to get it very, very right. This book... doesn't.

But beyond it just handling race and sexuality HORRIBLY, including a weird line where a gay man admits to always ~a little bit~ wanting to sleep with the bisexual lead and the biracial interviewer admitting she preferred her white husband because he never made her feel like she wasn't black enough (which is VERY odd for a white author to throw in, it made me viscerally uncomfortable).

The book is just... not good. It is EVERY SINGLE "Old hollywood wasn't glamorous, you have to sleep your way to the top and sell your soul" cliche but like... updated to include gay people. The main character's first marriage has domestic violence and her "soulmate' relationship with teh lesbian has the EXACT same patterns of abuse except it's emotional abuse and not physical abuse nad it's just... excused as like? Oh, you know how she can get sometimes...

There's a weird plot where the lesbian is UPSET that her bisexual gf won't be out (WHILE THE LESBIAN GF IS ALSO CLOSETED) IN THE 60S. She's like "Okay, so we might be jailed or forcibly institutionalized and lose our careers, but if you REALLY LOVE ME, you won't be closeted" WHICH IS INSANE. ANd part of the patterns of abuse in the relationship.

The book is fucking boring. It's slog of cliches just mixed in with "But I love this woman so much" even though their love is never really established, just stated. And what we see is the abuse.

There's a VERY weird plot twist where the main character reveals the interviewer's (black) father didn't die from driving drunk. Instead, the black father wa sin a relationship with Evelyn's white gay best friend and the white gay best friend drove drunk, KILLED the dad, and Evelyn moved his dead body to make it seem liek her dad killed himself.

And she knew it was her dad because... he VERY conveniently wrote out a letter saying "I'm a dad, I love my kid, I am also gay for you, but my wife is my platonic soulmate. My name ___. I love you" and the white guy (WHO WAS THE ONE WHO KILLED HER DAD) had the ltter in his pocket?

A VERY weird contrivance.

More weirdness: the book stops, COMPLETELY, to go on SEVERAL like basic diatribes about how like bi erasure is bad, the word whore is used by men to control women, and other like... baby's first feminism lectures. And it feels SOOO proud of itself.

It also stops to be like "You know every historical event between the 50s and present day? Yeah, Evelyn was on the right side of hsitory EVERY time despite being money hungry, dehumanizing to other people, fairly fucking awful to her (Latina) staff, and never once mentioned her politics until the author remembered she was alive during stonewall and the AIDS crisis and that she needed to maek sure you knew Evelyn cared."

The injection of real world events kinda curdled my stomach. Also, the author made sure to say that it was MEN at the frontlines of Stonewall and it's like ???????????????????? Okay, work. Also, die maybe?

The characters are all horrible people but not evne in interesting ways. There's no like complex politics to it. There's not even real nuance to it. It's just like "Evelyn likes to use people but she had to, so it's okay." Which I could get with if she wasn't so otherwise FLAT.

Also, I know this isn't a well organized complaint list, but can I say it is INSANE that the ENTIRE book is about how Evelyn has HUUUGE honkers and htat's why everyone gravitates towards her or forgives her or wants to use her. And then she gets breast cancer and the interviewer thinks "Isn't it funny that the things that got her so far are killing her" and I knooow it's meant to be some like ironic twist of fate thing but idk... it really feels like misogyny. It feels like comeuppance or some weird shit and it made me UNCOMFORTABLE.

TO PUT IT BRIEFLY:

The book is insanely boring and cliche. It is every "Hollywood is SCARY" cliche ever but thinks it's differentiating itself by involving LGB people and people of color but, because it is written by a straight, white woman, it cannot do that well. Every time it tries to smugly diatribe about sexuality, gender, race, class it gets it wrong and makes you feel like you're slowly going insane.

No one cahracter is interesting. The main romance is abusive but doesn't know it's abusive, despite spending entire chapters on how ANOTHER relationship is abusive.

The book is soulless. Isn't particularly well written. Thinks it's smarter and more charming than it is. No one is likeable. No one is funny or sweet.

It runs on shock value but nothing is shocking. IT's the same stupid mistakes over and over again withou tanyone EVER realizing what the REAL mistakes are.

It's bad.

#i gave it .75 stars out of 5 #i do not know how to explain how bad the dad died plotlist really is #it comes out of NOWHERE #like YES #it had foreshadowing #but adds NOTHING to the plot #outside of being like 'wow evelyn really DOES suck' #it's just.. bizarre #and feels sooo uncomfortable

[silyabeeodess]

I don't really have the time to do much art for fun lately, but here's a few small doodles I managed to whip up. I've had the DiGi Valentine quote in my head for this character for at least half a year now, so I wanted to put that to paper after all this time.

And I've got an official re-name as well! As of now, I'll be calling my Frieza Race character Jewel in reference to jewel/jewelry ice. The reasons for this change are that I mostly just came up with whatever sounded nice when setting up the character in Xenoverse 2 and, now that I've actually got some more in mind for background info, the name will tie-in with something extra besides the cold theme. I'll be working on those edits/tags soon enough with the name change.

As Sovereign Survival will reveal some info relating to that and I don't want to do any early spoilers for those interested in the story (and I am working on it, it's just going to all be dropped in a massive update), I'll keep any notes I put down for the character here simple and below the cut:

While not evil, this Frost Demon can still be pretty selfish at times--not really caring to maintain any kind of relationship with other time patrollers and often downright petty when slighted. Jewel has a strong sense of will both on and off the battlefield.

Jewel didn't initially join the Time Patrol by choice: After an impromptu/unauthorized rescue, it was either stick with them or die as the original timeline dictated. Since then, however, Jewel has grown content with the group despite being more of a self-assured loner and not always agreeing with Chronoa's orders.

While holding a successful record, this time patroller typically won't do any more than the bare minimum without feeling forced to.

The 'no flying without a license" rule backfired: The first thing Jewel did after getting a ride was crash it through a building.

While often seen wearing a scouter, Jewel doesn't use it to track power levels after an early incident where the device kept registering injured patrollers as if they were already dead--also having since learned to sense ki anyway. Instead, it's used simply for an easy means of communication.

Jewel is only comfortable without heavy bio-armor in private. Not wearing it/wearing less of it around certain people can be taken as a subtle show of trust. (Even if we don't have official transformations for the Frieza Race in the game besides Golden, I like to think switching up the bio-suits is still typical for non-mutants in the species since the customization is still fairly extensive.) Despite this, Jewel also often finds the heavier armor bothersome to move in.

#dragon ball #frieza race #my art #fanart #jewel #oc #video games #xenoverse #xenoverse 2

[hitechlatte]

if you're still making the visual novel thing, do you have any advice on starting one? I really want to make one, but don't know how

Sorry for the delay in my response on this! Wanted to take some time to collect my thoughts and it took longer than expected!

So yep still working on on my game, but I have some bugs that I haven't been able to fix, so no updates yet. Hopefully I'll get some free time to work on those soon! And for the advice, I'm happy to share! Click read more to see my thoughts:

Tip 1 - Paper Prototype/Design

So especially if you've never made a game before, I'd recommend sketching out your game before making anything. This could be with actual paper or just in like a google doc or slideshow. This way you can detail out how you want the game to flow, so you don't spend a billion hours trying to make something just to find out it looks bad or won't work. (TOTES didn't learn this the hard way) For a visual novel specifically, I would recommend maybe just writing out the story in a google doc, like write out the story with possible "stage notes" referencing what may happen on screen so you can more easily determine what art assets you would need! Here is an example of the sketches I made before I started working on my coffee shop demo:

Tip 2 - Start SMALL

Start SUPER small, especially if its your first game. Like come up with your idea and then CUT IT IN HALF maybe even a third or by ten! Like keep cutting away until you have a super basic idea you can test out and then after getting the hang of it, then I'd recommend doing something longer.

For example, if you wanted to do a visual novel where you bump into a love interest at a library and you see them every time you study for a month, chop it down to just one day and test out a flow to see how the idea would work.

For example in the game I'm currently working on, I'm just starting with a single customer on a single day and testing out all the features with him before I start moving to random NPCS or multiple days.

Tip 3 - Plot out your branches in a visual way

If your visual novel has branching options, make sure you have some way to check the flow of the story so you don't run into dead ends without an ending and to make sure you can check for plot holes.

For example if one branch the player decides to be mean, it wouldn't make sense for the character they are talking to to suddenly go down a branch where they say something super nice.

If the program you're using to make the visual novel in has a flow to view that's the best way to do it, but if not, then I'd recommend drafting it out in something like Miro (which is free btw, just requires an email sign up), or some other program where you can draft out flows. I mean if it's super simple branching even google images could work.

Tip 4 - The program doesn't really matter

Especially starting out, it doesn't really matter which game engine you use. The only thing that really matters is finding something you can learn quick so you can start getting your hands dirty.

If you don't have any engines in mind and would like some recommendations for free software, I feel any of the following would work:

Godot

Good for beginners, especially w/o programming experience from what I've heard

Heard it has some limitations if you want to do anything more complex

I haven't used godot yet, but I've heard nothing but great things! (I'm hoping to try it out soon, so I'll let you know once I get around to it!)

Unity

Require you to code, but it's usually pretty simple to get started as far as code goes.

The tutorials people have online are pretty awesome, and usually pretty good to follow along, and if you want to branch into more complex stuff, you'll have already learned the Unity basics.

I started learning game dev in Unity and have been using it for years so I always recommend it, but that's just what I've gotten used to.

Ren.Py

I don't know a ton about this program, but its what the Grunkle Stan Dating Sim was made in, and that game was super awesome.

And also this is made for visual novels so it should have a lot of useful tools and features.

Yarn Spinner

So this isn't an engine, but it's something you can add to Unity or Godot to help you with adding in the dialogue.

I haven't had a chance to use this, but I've been meaning to mess around with it. I've heard nothing, but fantastic things.

Tip 5 - 80/20 Rule

I always use the 80/20 rule when making games, to help prevent stress and burnout. 80% percent of the stuff I add to my games, I know how to do, while 20% is the new stuff to learn.

Now since this is your first game, you might be like Yo! I don't know 80 percent!

But to that I say HUMBUG! You know more than you'd guess! If you've ever written stories before, then bam, the story writing is part of your 80%. Just make sure to stick to a simple story that you know you'd be able to write!

Do you doodle? Bam some of your 80% is art! Stick to making art assets, only as complex as you've drawn before!

Obviously this is more a guideline, so the TLDR just make sure to focus on learning one or two main things and then keep everything else easy, so you don't burn out!

Tip 6 - Free Shit is AWESOME

Don't know art or can't make music? Use assets from online! There are tons of free assets people post stuff online that you can use.

This way you can focus on this harder stuff and get some of the easy stuff out of the way.

Some free resources I use are as follows:

Game Assets: https://itch.io/game-assets/free

Audio Files: https://freesound.org/

Music: https://www.bensound.com/royalty-free-music/2

If using Unity, they also have an asset store. Also I think steam and humble bundle have free stuff you might be able to use too.

There tons more sites out there too, these are just the one's I've used in the past.

I will mention too, I'd recommend not paying for anything in the beginning. Because you may buy all these programs and then never use any of them again, and there is tons of awesome free stuff to use while starting out. That way you can figure out what areas of game dev you like more and buy programs as needed.

Tip 6 - Chaos is inevitable

Everything will eventually blow up in your face.

You'll spend two hours screaming at the same bug to just realize you forgot to hit save.

You'll delete files by mistake and lose hours of work.

You'll spend two weeks plotting out a story idea to realize it doesn't make any sense.

You'll spend a month working on a game idea to realize you hate the concept and it's not as fun as you thought.

You'll show your game to someone else and they won't get it because you didn't make the controls easy enough to use or understand.

You'll KEEP finding spelling errors in your dialogue after vigorously spell checking everything.

You'll get frustrated and want to swear off making games/visual novels and just abandon project after project.

BUT

THAT'S

OKAY

Art isn't easy in any form and game dev is just art with math so it's the perfect storm.

So don't be too hard on yourself when you inevitably fail.

And know too, all your failures will make you smarter and you'll get better so when things click, you'll make something you're super proud of.

I have a graveyard of games that will NEVER see the light of day. Games I fell in love with that I'll never finish.

And that's okay.

Just like with exes, no matter how bad or messy things get, we can be grateful (most of the time), because we learned something about ourselves and we can grow from it.

So TLDR, don't be too hard on yourself and enjoy the journey! Make games that make you happy and just take developing at whatever pace works for you.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk and I wish you the best with whatever you make!

(Also if you need someone to play test I'd love to check stuff out <3)

#game dev #visual novel #indiegamedev #indie game design

[treatsf]

MANDELA STARS BELOW LORE!!!

Hello! I know that none of my followers have a flying fuck what Stars Below is, other than the stuff relating to it I've reblogged, BUT!! I have an AU that's a crossover of both it and Mandela Catalogue, my main interest A lot of the terms I use here probably won't make sense to someone not aware of the series, so here are some resources! https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFiR8xHGAPZKhnb-PdD-6Gz6pc1CWg4kM&si=zsR-MuiCCJ1MCILw https://toyhou.se/21038090.wip-kraizen-vani-species https://the-forever-ocean.fandom.com/wiki/The_Forever_Ocean_Wiki Now, for the Google doc, explaining the lore of the Main Four Victims (+ other snippets)! This thing will hopefully be updated at least semi-often, but there aren't any guarantees. I'll also copy and paste the information under the cut if one doesn't want to look at the Google Doc. Thank you!

MARK. AKA: VICTIM 1. (Second event chronologically): 

(TW: Vol 1, Suicide, Genocide, Religious Themes)

Mark Christian Heathcliff was always very religious. He lived a relatively normal life, however. Until he… well, one night, while his family was away, he was called to the forest in the middle of the night, where he found… Gabriel. A 50 foot BEHEMOTH of a creature, nothing like Mark had ever seen before. So, naturally, he decided that this was god. Or the devil, he wasn’t quite sure. Though, when it introduced itself as “Gabriel”, Mark decided that it was the former. So, when “God” told him that he was going to help him “rid humans of their suffering”, he was compliant. Even when that involves killing entire cities with giant light beams. If this was what “God” wanted, Mark would comply. He ended up moving to a house near the woods, away from society so that he wasn’t arrested for his crimes.

One day, however, he received… a phone call. From his friend Cesar? Cesar had gone missing a few months prior, so Mark was rightfully confused about what was going on. Though, when the man explained that he needed Mark to come and turn in his security cameras, he was hesitant, but willing after further discussion. Nothing could go wrong, right?

As Mark drove home from the Torres residence, it was quickly apparent that he had been followed. By.. well, “Cesar”, and an entity named N. The two locked him into his room for three days, where he subsequently took his life after enough mental torment. However, he was seemingly… “resurrected” by the powers N possessed, turning into a “Shadow” (a zombie), and securing Gabriel’s spot on earth. Because, by a technicality, Mark was not dead.

TL;DR: “HOLY FUCK IS THAT GOD????!!!!!! oh wait no I’m a zombie now”

-

CESAR. AKA: VICTIM TWO. (First event chronologically):

(TW: Vol 1, Dehumanization)

Cesar Torres was, well… there’s not a lot known about the real Cesar (as well as the majority of victims of the Shadow; it seems preexisting memories of these people from the ones closest to them have all been erased.) All that we’re aware of is that, one night, Cesar went… missing. In reality, he was “kidnapped” by N, who turned him into a “Patient 0” of sorts for N’s power, which is the ability to turn people into zombie-like entities called Shadows, which basically just corrupt someone and turn them into a version of them with their worst traits. For example, someone with anger issues would become volatile after being Shadowed, anger being their main, and only, emotion. At least, if they’re alive when they’re turned, of course; those who are turned after their deaths become your textbook zombie, at least mentally. 

However, Cesar was… different. Unlike a majority of the other Shadows, he maintained some sort of control of himself, even if he was fully turned. He was tasked, at least for a while, of being the “Commander” of the Shadows, considering N’s lack of ability to do that for… a variety of reasons. So, the shadowed part of Cesar did just that; corrupted people into shadows, amassing a large army of soldiers for the Mercy Mission, despite the real Cesar’s constant fight for control. He was even responsible for his best friends death at one point, though he did also bring the man back to life in the same instant. 

Legend says that Cesar is still active today, lurking in the shadows and observing the events unfolding in 2009 with a sharp eye, reporting his findings to his new master and leader, Gabriel. 

TL;DR: Man becomes a zombie shadow thing with a conscience and does Alt!Cesar like things… wuh oh

-

ADAM. AKA: VICTIM THREE. (Third event chronologically):

(TW: Adams Childhood, Vol 2, Vol 4, Catalyst, Presto, Sadism, Genocide, Radiation Poisoning, Death, Gore)

Adam Icarus Murray has always been tied to the Vani in one way or the other. When he was about three or four, both of his parents— Lynn and Jude Murray— were killed by Gabriel in his attack, and instead of being distraught like a normal human would, Adam was fascinated. The idea that any entity had the sheer power to kill thousands of people in the blink of an eye didn’t scare him, no; he was enthralled by it. He felt an inherent connection to these beings, and from then on, he became obsessed. Though, he usually kept this obsession to himself.

That was until one Sarah Heathcliff founded the “Bythorne Vani Society”— or just the Bythorne Vani Club at the time. Adam and Sarah used to go on missions together, but after an unnamed event, Sarah stopped, forcing Adam to find someone else to go on missions with him instead. And the person he chose was his childhood “friend” Jonah Marshall. Jonah had some sort of idea of what happened with Adams parents, so they were somewhat aware of Adams interest, but they didn’t know the pure extent to which it went.

The longer Adam and Jonah stayed in BVS, the deeper Adam dug himself into his obsession. Sure, the blond always had a fascination with the Vani, but never to the extreme he was in. Jonah attempted to pull the man back from the quickly approaching insanity he was digging himself into, but all attempts failed as Adam “came closer to the truth.”

One day, Adam found… a house. A house that had been rumored to be the old residency of one of the old Tethers— Cesar, was his name? Adam wasn’t sure. All he knew is that the house was calling him, and that to not go in was to risk everything. Jonah said the house scared the shit out of them, and they refused to go in, much to the blonds chagrin. Adam stays in the house for three days, Vol 2 argument happens, yadda yadda.

Jonah’s side of the story is for another day, but as for Adam? He finds exactly what he had been looking for all this time. In the basement of that house was a Vani who called itself “Six”, and it wanted Adam to help him. The man, now completely disconnected from reality, says yes, after very minor amounts of pushback. As it turns out, the reason the Vani kill is because of something called the “Mercy Mission”— or the belief that life is suffering, and that the only release from it is death.— Adam instantly believes in this narrative, as well as also… secretly having the innate desire to kill just for the fun of it, just like his Vani.

Each Vani has an Sembla (Element), and Six’s is Radiation. He can manipulate electromagnetic waves, and, well… give people radiation. A lot of the Vani also have certain items, called Amplifiers, which are modified technology from another race called the Omni that help them… kill people. Six’s is this suit that allows its wearer to go through electromagnetic waves, which basically makes it so they can transport through screens and the like.

Adam, after a quick walk with his new Vani to find the van Jonah had crashed, makes it back to his house. Immediately, he makes a video and posts it to the BVS YouTube channel, basically explaining how he had just found a real life Vani, and how all of his research and time spent trying to prove the existence of these beasts has been proven correct. What the viewer didn’t know, however, is that this video was simply a conduit for Adam, with the Amplifier Six gave him, to go through their computer screen and drag them into it, killing them from the amount of radiation after a certain point— vaporizing them, basically.

The first victim of this was Adams own boss, Sarah. However, because of the fact this was his first time, he grabbed her by her arm instead of her shoulders, which allows Sarah to escape with-… major injury in the process. Adam quickly learns from this mistake, however, and very little to no victims have escaped him after this event.

The one set back is that doing this isn’t very healthy for humans, and Adam soon starts getting mutations. At first he gets lumps on his head, which quickly turn to things that look like cat ears. Then, his nose changes to be more animalistic, and he grows whisker-like hairs on his cheeks. Finally, he grows a tail with a hand at the end, which acts almost like another limb entirely. His insanity has also been pushed even farther by the nuclear exposure, and instead of being horrified by these new growths, he is delighted. He is becoming closer to the Vani, is he not?

However, with these “up sides” come… very obvious side effects. He becomes weaker; he feels sick a lot more, and his teeth and bones start to ache and even fall out. Despite this obvious radiation poisoning, he continues. His brain has been altered too much to fully understand what was happening to him, however, and he goes on, despite Six’s minor amounts of protest.

No human body can be subject to the amount of radiation Adam has been subject to and still live, including Adam himself. After a few months of this, his body completely gives up on him. He falls, sitting in front of his nightstand, completely unable to get up. He can feel his bones rotting away and breaking. It’s excruciating. Sores have been appearing on his body, and all he wants to do is pick them until they bleed, but he can’t even move his arms up to do so. He tries to scream for someone to help him, anyone, but the pain is so bad that even so much as opening his mouth is a challenge.

Finally, after days of this torture, Adams jaw… falls clean off his face, along with whatever parts of his throat and esophagus that are left. This, of course, kills the blond, but instead of feeling death as a good thing, he realized how painful it was, how excruciating it was— it wasn’t mercy! He believed so much in the “Mercy Mission” he was told about that, when his death felt like it did the opposite of release him from the “pains of life”, that broke him in some way. It was a lie served up to him on a silver platter that he immediately fell into, and formed part of his identity around. But it was fake. It wasn’t true. And now he was going to die a fraud.

Right before his death, he felt a presence, but he couldn’t tell who or what it was until it was the last thing he saw. But, as he soon realizes, the thing was there to… save him. He was alive again, almost a squid jog as he was killed. He didn’t know whether this was punishment for what he had done— even if he didn’t exactly regret it— or charity work. He was a shadow now, but with one key difference: he could control himself. He had already become the worst parts of himself, so mentally, there was very little change.

Soon enough, Adam is found by someone. By one… Thatcher Davis. He is referred to as “Victim Three”, which angers him: he isn’t a victim! Or, well, he was, but more so because he was victim of being shadowed, and not that he was a “victim of the Vani”, or whatever. After being taken to their base, he was put into questioning, where he was forced to explain what happened and why he did what he did. And, seeing no other option, he did exactly that.

Now, he has been put into captivity by the Main Party, having an agreement with the four that he could stay if he helped them and gave them the relevant information when asked. He doesn’t fully like this agreement, but it was better than becoming “just another Shadow”, so he complies. Even if two of the people he was now put under were his biggest enemies.

TL;DR: Who knew the orphan obsessed with Vani would go on to believe in the Vani's mission and kill people??? Also he’s really radioactive. And dead. Oh wait nvm, he isn’t anymore. And now he’s caged up.

-

JONAH. AKA: VICTIM FOUR. (Fourth event chronologically):

(TW: Vol 2, Toxic Relationships, Kidnapping, Hostage Situations, Drug Addiction, Dehumanization, Torture, Religious Themes, Genocide)

Jonah Edmund Marshall was… well, a normal guy. His mother was turned to Shadow, but other than that, he was largely unaffected by the Vani crisis. However, his best friend, Adam, was… at the complete opposite side of the spectrum, and after a while, invited Jonah to join this society called the “Bythorne Vani Society”, owned by one Sarah Heathcliff. Seeing as one of goals of BVS was to help people affected by the Vani crisis, and Jonah didnt exaclty mind helping people, he joined. Besides; It’d piss off his dad, Mervin, who wanted Jonah to stay as far away from Vani as possible (for mostly selfish reasons), so that was another plus.

The longer Adam and Jonah stayed in BVS, the longer Adam became… obsessed. Sure, Adam always had a fascination with the Vani, but never to this extreme. All of Jonah’s attempts to pull Adam away from his obsession were met with anger and rage, and the more and more Adam dug himself deeper into the hole of his past, the worse and worse Jonah began to feel, both mentally and physically, their jobs taking a hefty toll on the man.

One day, Adam found… a house. A house that had been rumored to be the old residency of one of the old Tethers— Cesar, was his name? Jonah wasn’t sure. All he knew is that the house scared the shit out of him, and he refused to go in. Adam, wanting to check the house out for a few nights, just to find evidence of Vani activity, stays in the house for three days. Queue Vol 2 argument, yadda yadda.

Adams side of the story is for another day, but as for Jonah? Well, he ended up crashing the van into a tree right outside of Mandela County after something had gotten into his radio speakers and began taunting him for “Leaving (Adam) behind.” Jonah fell into a coma, but was quickly found by… Preacher, his tether. This was all an elaborate scheme to trap the two tethers, it seemed.

After a few days, Jonah woke up in some sort of hideout. At first, he’s confused and disoriented, but he soon sees… something… in the corner of his eye. Something with the familiar Green, Blue, Violet, and Red patterning. Realizing what that is, he… freaks the fuck out. Rightfully, of course— he believed he was going to be killed by a Vani, the one thing he had ran away from!

Oh, if only.

Soon, after Jonah fully recovers and his mental state is “stabilized”, they’re forced by the Vani, which calls itself Preacher, to use a staff to go into people’s dreams and suck their life force. As it turns out, Preacher… believes herself to be a disciple of God, and Jonah as one of God's new apostles. She views these killings as “part of God’s plan”, and that Jonah has to be apart of it, whether he likes it or not. And Jonah-… well, Jonah hates it. Despises it, even. But he has no real way of escaping, so he just does as Preacher says.

The one reward Jonah gets from these killings are… Dreams. The dreams that Jonah takes from people are basically like drugs, and heavy ones too. He gets instantly hooked, now not able to leave not just because of the fact he was basically kidnapped and is now held hostage, but because he has gained a crippling addiction to a drug only Preacher can provide. Only death can provide.

However, after months of this torture, something finally… snaps, in Jonah. Maybe a stunning revelation, maybe the guilt stacking up too high, who knows. All we know is that Jonah made a plan. A plan that, in the end, worked. With the end part of Jonah’s staff, made out of a material called Vanium, which can pierce through a Vani’s brand, killing them, Jonah snuck into Preacher’s hiding spot in the middle of the night. Then, without warning, he killed her, and promptly escaped.

Jonah is now being treated for the severe addiction he gained and the countless mental issues the whole ordeal caused, and he ended up joining the “Main Party”, now trying to help them stop the Wisconsin Vani once and for all.

TL;DR: normal man turned monster hunter turned drug addicted killer turned good guy -

Sadly, most of the main cast don't have complete designs, other than Six, Adam, Preacher, and Jonah, So here they are!

#mandela stars below #mandela catalogue #the mandela catalogue #mandela catalog #tmc #jonah marshall #adam murray #mark heathcliff #cesar torres #stars below #kenopsia #vaniwo #faniwo #mandela catalogue au #tws in writing #tmc au #art #treatsf

[someoneinjersey]

Just a lil update

Every so often I like to check in on my mostly defunct social media accounts.

Still living in North Carolina with Kate, with her cat Wimby and my dog Deano, and then we had a stray decide to adopt us who is so sweet and lovey. Her name is Larry because she has a very raspy meow if she can make sound at all, so Kate said she had laryngitis, thus, Larry. She's wonderful and we want to work on bringing her inside if we can (she likes to sneak in sometimes anyway). She brings us so many "gifts" so we know she loves us but for god's sake, so many dead mice, chipmunks, and rabbits turning up on our porch.

I'm still disabled as fuck, yo. I rarely have the physical or mental energy to do things, which sucks because I was doing really well for a few months after I moved in and then at some point, possibly conflated by my birth control that I hated, my panic disorder kicked into high gear. Like I'd have a panic attack just driving into town, or thinking about driving into town, or for no reason at all. We went to Kate's brother's five hours away for Christmas this past year and I had to stop at a gas station for an hour to sit and let my meds kick in while fighting vomiting and hyperventilating because I was having such a bad panic attack. Once we finally got there I had at least one attack every day, sometimes two or three. It was out of control, so my psychiatrist put me on extended release xanax to try to improve my quality of life and it's worked very well, though it does make me sleepy and panic or the fear of panic does creep in from time to time.

My brother disowned me. My mother needs a kidney transplant now on top of her liver transplant, and will refuse dialysis once her kidney function fails completely, so we have no idea how much time she has left. She still won't leave her husband. She wants to come visit again (she came last October) and while she's my mom so I'd love to see her and cook for her, I don't know if I can handle the stress. She doesn't realize she's a huge trigger for me and she can never know that because it'll kill her and she's already dying. She is aware, however, that if she visits, she may have to have Kate or a taxi pick her up from/drop her off at the airport because I don't know if I can drive to Asheville yet. It's about a 30 minute drive, but I still struggle with just going into town. She's not too happy about that. We've had so many fights since I've moved here.

I keep falling into ruts. I swore I'd break all my bad habits once I got down here and lived on my own, without a parent lurking around, but I just keep letting things go all over again. The dishes pile up, the garbage piles up, and then the monumentous task of just starting a clean up becomes unattainable. I've also learned that I have ADHD, likely always have. My psychiatrist said it was a "soft" diagnosis he was giving me, however, because I wasn't interested in going on medication for it. I want to sort out my other shit first but naturally I'm making no progress on that either. I put things off because I'm scared, and because I can never guarantee that I can make my appointments due to my panic attacks.

I'm still a killer cook. I've taken up collage journaling, which is just basically gluing scraps of paper and putting stickers together in a notebook, but it makes me feel good to do. I bought myself supplies to start drawing again but they've been here over a week and I haven't touched them yet. I need to get back into art so maybe I can sell some because we are barely scraping by, paycheck to paycheck and disability to disability. It really sucks.

Anyway, for anyone that's still around, I just have tumblr, facebook, and instagram now. FB and IG are private so you'll have to send a follow request or whatever, but please do. I'd like more interaction and I miss some of you on here. I'm also always up for texting, so my number is only an ask away.

ETA: My fb is under "Sara Ann" and my current userpic is not my face, and my ig is "atthedividingline" thank you

#me #about me #personal #update