#it's also easier for me to get sick so you can imagine i've been having a GREAT time during this pandemic

[jellycrusher]

Come Hell or High Water

Years in the making, Formula 1 has finally arrived... in Las Vegas!

Charles Leclerc x fem!REDBULLdriver

Genre: One-shot, Romance, slight angst, fluff

Summary: Las Vegas Grand Prix is your ticket to getting the coveted Driver's Championship against your biggest rival, Charles Leclerc. Rivals on the track but Lovers off the track basically sums up your relationship with Charles. However, you've been clashing way too much lately with him off track that it's messing up your game. Not to mention all the other things that could go wrong... went wrong.

Word Count: 4.4k

A/N: You're replacing Checo as the 2nd Red Bull driver. Also, this is my first ever F1 fic. I would love to know what you guys think 💖

If he wins this race, he's gonna get a big advantage in points and he'll win the championship. ... I have to win. I have to do everything in order to win. Come hell or high water.

It's not that easy to say to yourself when you're running a 38 degree Celsius fever and slight nausea come FP1. You've already popped a paracetamol during your break and somehow, it made you feel a bit better.

The chilly and windy weather doesn't make it easier for you. Imagining driving your car at this hour of the night going around at top speeds of 250 to 300 kph while being sick makes your head burn.

You stood just outside the Red Bull Garage as you wait for Free Practice 1 to start. From your periphery, you spotted a gentleman in a Ferrari red racing suit slowly walking towards the garage. You turn your head and you see your boyfriend, Charles Leclerc. You try to click your tongue just a bit and press your fingers to your temple in annoyance.

"What is it that you want, Leclerc?"

You shot a stare causing an abrupt stop to his steps when he acknowledged your displeasure. "I just want to talk. Can you give me a few minutes? Please."

"For the last time, I said no. I have lots of things to do. I don't —"

"I am stupid. I didn't mean anything that I've said last night. just so tired. I still want to work things out between us. I still want what we have... or whatever's left of it." A slight pang in your chest hits you hard as you listen to the words Charles uttered ever so gentle and sweet. He slowly steps forward to you.

"We... ummm.. We can talk more about it after sunday. I just need to concentrate and give my all this weekend. Is that okay?" He slowly reaches out for your hand and wraps his fingers around your pinky finger.

Charles knew the mistake he made. An honest mistake just brought out by exhaustion. You were excited to make plans with him here in Vegas right after the Grand Prix. You show him a list of places that you could go visit and activities that you can do together.

He was so stressed out with the concerns regarding his car and his performance for this track that he was not really paying much attention to you despite your eagerness to make this whole date plan.

When you got too excited and carried away, he snapped to call out your name and to tell that he didn't care what you'll include in your short list of itinerary. You didn't expect the sudden loud voice. You froze in place and Charles quickly took note of this. In a panic, he tried to assure you that he's sorry and he didn't mean it.

He never raised his voice to you. Ever. This was a first. Among all the things you're worried about your relationship with Charles, him possibly falling out of love for you was one thing. You took this a sign that your instinct might be right.

You slowly turned around to head for the door of his hotel bedroom. You dragged your heavy footsteps out that door, along with a heavy heart.

"Radio check please, y/n"

Your race engineer, Hugh, checks in on you as you wait in your car still situated in the garage for confirmation. Once the go-ahead was given as you calmy watch the mechanics taking the blanket off your tires, you carefully roll out on track. Roaring crowds in the grandstand and paddock somehow energized you.

"Track action is finally upon us. What are you most looking forward to?" David Croft starts up the commentary that is being heard through the screens on the track.

"Seeing cars on track and of course, the championship battle between Leclerc and y/n" says Martin Brundle.

"Street Circuits do throw up some jeopardy. Take Singapore as an example. But this is a very different track to Singapore. Very high speeds. The 2nd fastest track on the calendar after Monza."

"The temperature also is down at 19 degrees track temp. It's really chilly and very very cold. A track temp that low is gonna be very difficult for these tires and the drivers."

"Y/n has always been very good at street circuits, hasn’t she? If she continues to show domination this weekend, this is gonna be her 1st world champion title. The first ever woman to do so in Formula 1."

The commentators continue to mention that you and Charles were everyone's favorite F1 couple. You both got everyone glued to their seats with your rivalry and also your sweet relationship outside F1. People keep track of your social media accounts and they also love your interaction during any Grand Prix.

You had 8 laps in and you continue to struggle with the car and this nauseating sensation. The tires had little grip on the track and the G force on your body during turns is making you more sick by the second which was normally never the case because you were trained for it. You were reminded by Hugh to just relax after noticing on the datas relayed back to the pit wall that you were a bit aggressive at the start. Probably because of Charles and how much you want to throw the mere piece of paper with all the lists for dates at his face, you thought.

You were slowly starting to get to the top of the standings then suddenly, you felt something hit your car very hard.

Your car was making this loud screeching sound. You look at your mirror and see sparks flying through the rear of your car. The back of your legs suddenly became slightly numb. A short panic overcame you but you keep calm.

Turns out, a loose drain cover completely destroyed the bottom of your car. Red flag is being waved around. Something lights up on your steering wheel screen stating to stop the car and to turn off the engine.

Marshalls started to tow your car off the track after a few minutes. You took a quick glance on the underside of your car and there you see the carnage. The knot in your stomach hits you like a truck. This is not good.

You know how much this is gonna cost your performance, and also affect the team. The chassis, battery and other important components are gonna be replaced. You had an inkling that you might be given a grid penalty due to the replacement but you hoped you wouldn't.

You painfully wait in your room as everyone is advised that Free Practice 2 is delayed because they're gonna fix the track issue. Your physio is helping you with the concern on the sensation on your leg. Slowly getting better but there is slight discomfort when moving your feet up and down.

Press conferences are being held here and there about the ongoing issue. You were informed by Christian that the FIA is gonna give you a 10-grid penalty on race day. You didn't argue about it because honestly, you were getting too sick to care. You just want this weekend to be done with. You were focused on racing. Unfortunate to be bumped down the grid but you were determined to do better on qualifying day.

When you were called for a press conference with a few drivers about the issue, you drag yourself to the room and the sight of Charles on the sofa sitting beside Max surprises you. You were not prepared to interact with him.

Views between the drivers were exchanged regarding the penalty. Charles was the most vocal and angry against the decision. But you knew too well that their team was the one to veto the decision to forego the penalty. This was not disclosed to the drivers but it was an obvious fact since this is an advantage for them for the championship. Politics, of course.

You wonder at his action, trying to defy the decision of his own team.

"I think the rules have to change for that. Also, teams should not be allowed to have a say in these kinds of things. For sure they are going to vote against it. Every team thinks about themselves."

You are thankful that he's sticking up for you but what if it's really Ferrari who vetoed on the vote, then he better shush it.

"I also want to say that we should've learned from past mistakes. We had a few loose covers before on other street circuits. This track should've been inspected extensively and prepared properly up to race week," Max follows up on the topic. "It's a huge safety concern. The entire car is fucked. Y/n also said she couldn't feel anything in her leg for a few seconds. The accident could've been way worse."

With Max's comments, Charles quickly turned his head towards you with this worried look on his face. Brows slightly raised, wide eyes, and slowly sat straight in his seat.

You were in a hurry to get out of the room after the press conference not just because there has to be another press conference right after yours but also, you want to avoid your boyfriend as much as possible.

Familiar footsteps came running to your direction and the next thing you know, you were spun on your heel by a gentle and warm hand on your wrist only to face your boyfriend.

"Are you okay?! How are your legs?"

He was much more in a panic now than a while ago in front of the cameras. He doesn't need to hide his concern and panic from you. He took a quick look at you from head to toe, his hands scanning every part that might be injured.

"Charles... I'm okay. My legs... it's getting better" You try your best to keep the knot in your stomach in. You were still very nauseated. The quick movements from Charles turning you around and checking to make sure you're okay is getting you nauseous and a bit out of balance. "Honestly, i'm okay, mon chéri."

He wrapped his hands in yours and quickly noticed something different. He couldn't quite pinpoint what it is but holding your hand feels slightly warm. It was not something unusual for you. Whenever you're nervous or excited or even cold from the weather, your hands are the first to be extra warm. He didn't push any further but he was still quite concerned about what he heard from Max during the conference.

He blames himself for not checking up on you as soon as they were informed the FP1 will not be resumed. His team did downplay the situation and he thought that it was just a normal race weekend where something goes wrong with the car. When he saw you through the screens in their garage, you carefully stopped the car at the side of track. It didn't look quite serious like a crash. The mere thought of a crash made his chest tighten. Never a good scenario for both of you in any way and he doesn't want that to happen to you ever.

He didn't push you any further and lets go of you to proceed back to your garage to rest and wait for the next practice later in the evening.

You look forward to lying down on your small but comfortable couch in your room, wrapped up in a fleece blanket. Your warm Red Bull hoodie to keep you company. You wish it was Charles' embrace keeping you warm but your pride could never.

...................................................

You succeeded to take pole position in your qualifying session. Following you in the positions were Charles then Max. Unfortunately, Charles is to be pushed to the front of the grid on race day since you will start on 11th due to the grid penalty for the part replacement.

Pushing through all shitty things that happened to you for the past two days, it's finally race day.

Just before all the cars and teams are to be on standby on the track, Charles paid you one last visit in your room. He noticed that you were more quiet today and didn't expect that you didn't hesitate when he came up and hugged you. He whispered good lucks in your ear, his head nestled in your neck.

"Mon amour, i don't like it when we're fighting. I'm excited to battle it out on track but I want us to fix this after. okay?" He cooed.

You were grateful for the warmth his hug is giving you. You could never stay angry at him. You conceded and gave him a peck on the cheeks. He looked at you and admired your sweet small blushed face.

The kiss was anything but ordinary. It was amazing. You felt like he was sucking all the air out in your chest. Your legs were almost out of strength. His hands wrapping you and writhing around you. If it wasn't race day, you could've had him there. All bare and almost animalistic. But you stopped. It was going take you everything to focus on this race.

Charles noticed that you were extra warm today. It seems like you were getting warmer each day since the start of this race weekend. You noticed this on Charles and quickly responded ahead of what he was about to ask or say to you.

"Yes, I have a 39 degree fever. Already took my medicines. I can do the race. It's just a common flu. I'll get over it." He was about to say more but you quickly cut him off. "Take some medicine later if you're worried. No, I don't regret kissing you and it was amazing. No, I won't back down on this fight."

"I know you won't. That's my girl." He placed a hand on your face, cupping your extremely warm cheeks. "Give me everything you've got, y/l/n."

You smirk, leaning your head against his hand. "Game on, Leclerc."

All of the teams are now on standby on the track. You slid yourself in the cockpit. You observe the mechanics who were surrounding you, making any last minute checks on the car. There were those who were patiently holding on to the tire blankets to keep the tires warm and in perfect shape. If only you could steal one. You were shivering in your seat which didn't go unnoticed by some mechanics present.

Nerves of steel and a strong heart. Lady luck, keep it going until the very end. This is it.

"Okay radio check, y/n"

"Let's get this one, Hugh. For the team!"

"Loud and clear. Bring it home, champ"

Engines were ready, tyres were warm. All the cars on the grid were revving up. Crowds going crazy. Two drivers to battle it out for the championship. The deciding match.

"It is showtime. Our saturday night fight. It's five lights away and Formula 1 goes racing on the streets of Las Vegas!"

You were nearing Turn 1 and you could feel no grip on the soft tires. Charles was about to cut on the outside but you knew if you defended and turned despite no grip, your car could slide. You turned the wheel in a calculated manner but the both of you were pushed out of the track. You need to get back and not let Max overtake you.

You and Charles successfully defended your positions from the pack. There is pandemonium in the stands and in the commentary box.

"She needs to give that position back. She pushed me wide."

Charles radioed in his race engineer.

"It looks like Y/n Y/l/n will be given a 5 second penalty for forcing another driver off the track"

You did your best to babysit the tires in this harsh condition but to no avail. Charles was gaining speed on you and was just around 0.8 secs behind. He aggressively pressured you, keeping close distance, for almost 10 laps.

The cold weather is no joke. Every time you go out of the straights, you feel less grip. You almost curse at the reminder that you weren’t able to get a lot out of practice due to the damage on the car. If maybe you did, there was something you could’ve done. Possibly the engineers could’ve gained a lot of data on graining, tire temperature, and optimum strategy.

Charles locked up at around the 12th lap, widening the gap between you but he got closer to Max. Max almost passed him on the outside but he recovered well. He quickly regained his distance from you and continues to chase you. You also locked up but recovered quickly. As a result, you noticed a flat spot, further causing damage to your tire.

"My tires are now finished!"

"Copy that, y/n. Box now, box."

Around lap 18, you've been called to the pit. As you slow down, Charles took this opportunity to go through the inside and takes the lead of the race. Your team waited for 5 seconds before they could touch the car. 5 seconds may be short but it felt like forever. You knew when you come back out, you could lose a lot of positions. Thankfully, it was a quick stop for the team at around 1.8 seconds. All in all, 7 secs up until the pit lane exit.

As you exited the pit lane, you noticed that no matter how hard you press the throttle, cars were passing you one by one. There was something wrong with the car or maybe...

"Update on y/n's position please." "Charles, she's now P15. She pitted for hards." ---

"HARDS? Are you kidding me, Hugh?! Everyone is either on softs or mediums. Charles is on softs!" "Y/n, there are still 37 laps left. There's still a way around this." "There isn't! But if there is, i'll be fucking damned and push everything i've got." "Be careful, y/n" "I know what i'm doing. Just try me."

"Looks like Red Bull gave y/n a wrong set of tyre compounds. Was it a mistake or just a wrong strategy. This may be a deciding factor on the championship but you heard y/n's radio. Sounds chilling, isn't it?"

It was now or never. No excuse to back out on this.

As if someone had flicked the light switch, the crowds watched as car number 11 fly through track. Your driving technique was masterful. You rose up through the grid, passing every driver with ease. Tight and slow corners were a breeze to navigate through. Your car looked like it was launched by a slingshot through the long straights.

The commentators were going crazy at the spectacular sight of you breezing through everyone with hard tires. This was supposed to be a disadvantage to you on this particular track but you didn't let that stop you. Being on harder tires were a pain in the ass but you knew that these could last longer. You were able to push without worrying much on degradation.

Not long after, Charles could already see you on his mirrors through the straight. Just Max and Russel between the two of you just after 10 laps. Surprised but not really. He knew what a fantastic driver you are. Relentless and fearless.

"Good job there, y/n. Maximum push!" "Thanks. Also, I almost vomited in my helmet but still okay to push through!"

Concerns were shared on the pit wall of Red Bull. Hugh turned to look at Christian Horner, your team principal, also tuning in to your radio. They knew you were sick and couldn't do much about it. You were adamant to continue with the race and not let a reserve driver to drive in your place.

In turn 8 of lap 48 as you were to overtake Russell in front of you, he understeered and not noticing that you were about to pass him. He caused a collision with your front wing with his rear tire. Debris were flying around but you were still able to continue on after checking it with Hugh. A safety car was brought out as advised by Hugh and your team took this moment to call you back to the pit to change the front wing. Everyone was thinking the same thing on pitting as to take advantage of the yellow flag.

You exited the pit lane with a new front wing and fresher softer tyres. Charles stayed out and quickly saw you chasing behind him.

"That's my girl. Give me the best you've got, mon amour" He smirks to himself.

Now noticing the new set of tyres on your car. He knew he pitted way before you. His team decided to stay out and not pit to stay in the lead.

"Are those new soft tyres on y/n? Can we still pit?" "Negative, Charles. Save your tyres until the end. Extend your stint." "Ughhh.. that's gonna be hard but copy."

Your fever is now catching up to you. You occasionally sneeze through the radio when Hugh checks in. Christian radios in to cheer you on through the last laps of the race knowing full well that you're at your limit.

5 laps until the checkered flag and you were successful to keep a 3 second distance between Leclerc. He was ready to defend his lead.

You finally got within DRS range of Charles, closing the distance between him much easier. You were about to take the pass but Charles frustratingly defended his position well. There was a wide turn and you finally took the lead. You kept your position just until after the long straight and Charles went back in front.

You stayed behind him for 3 more laps finally noticing a break on the chase. Charles now wondering why you were not as aggressive during the turns.

"Maximum push, y/n. 3 more laps until the checkered flag." "I got this Hugh. I have a plan. Let's just see how much his tyres could handle."

This was your chance. You kept pressuring him in the corners and on the straights. He was advised by his race engineer to get ready to defend. He's in deep trouble now. His tyres are now starting to give up, not sure if he could bring it up to checkered flag while being constantly pressured by you. He was starting to get intimidated by the sight of your car.

The last 3 turns and a straight until the checkered flag. You kept your position behind him up until the the last turn. Taking advantage of the slipstream when he was in view of the flag.

People were screaming and jumping. Ferrari and Red Bull fans are now standing up from their seats. The commentators were going crazy in their box.

Your vision was now dangerously hazy. Panting like crazy in the cockpit. It was crazy chilly but you were sweating like a bucket in your race suit. Your fever now definitely reaching top temperature. Just as you were reaching top speeds in your car as you take the slipstream.

"and look at that! That was an exciting last lap. Blue overtaking the Scarlet Red. Red Bull mechanics are at the pit wall. The crowd is running wild. Hold on to your seats. And that's driver number 11 and she sees the checkered flag! For the first time ever, Y/n Y/l/n is our 2023 world champion! The first and only woman to ever do so in the history of Formula One! and this is just on her 2nd year in F1. What a woman!"

"P1, mate. That's P1"

"y/n, you're world champion. A world champion!"

Hugh and Christian were shouting in your ear through the radio. Fireworks were seen blasting on the top of every hotel, painting the Las Vegas skyline in amazing colors. You couldn't keep it in and you started crying. Face hidden by your helmet, your celebratory radio with the team is now broadcasted through the screens as you pass by it.

You park your car in the parc ferme behind the number 1 sign and slowly crawled out the cockpit to throw your hands in the air. Red Bull mechanics are shouting your name. You ran to them and throw yourself in their arms. They pat your helmet like crazy and shout congratulatory remarks at you.

You removed your helmet and turn around to see Charles also celebrating with his team. You ran to him and he welcomes you with open arms. Reveling in the fact that you are now world champion, you couldn't care less about doing PDA in front of people and the cameras.

You, Max and Charles stood on the podium. Your eyes were watery as you hear your country's national anthem. Normally, it doesn't make you cry but tonight was different. It means different. You now hold a few records to your name.

Max was the first one to open the champagne bottle, and Charles followed. Both of them directing the mouth of the bottle at you to spray you. Instead of reaching for your bottle, you took Charles' hand and pulled him to the podium.

You whispered something in his ear. "I know how you'll make it up to me." He breaks his distance from you and stared at your sparkling eyes, both of you still getting sprayed with the champagne.

You pulled his collar and your lips met. A sweet kiss after all the crazy events of the weekend. Max was equally surprised, along with everyone on the stage, around the grandstands, and paddock. Everyone watching it on the screens of their television were also screaming. Cameras were flashing non-stop right and left. Both of your respective team principals and PR managers were just laughing below the podium.

"I could get used to that. Maybe i should get you angry every before race" he chuckles.

"Don't push it, Leclerc."

"Just joking." He continues to admire the radiating woman in front of him. "You were amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better rival on track and you're the best partner a man could ever have. I'm so lucky to have you."

"A sentiment not evident from you last Wednesday."

"I apologize for that. To make it up to you, I think I owe you hundreds of dates. I hope you still have that piece of paper."

"Dates and a lot more kisses."

"Roger, world champ! I love you, mon amour."

Both of you smiled at each other and shared one more kiss to fully cap off the celebration. You reached for your champagne bottle and aggressively sprayed Charles. The three of you on the podium are now having a champagne spraying battle.

You and Charles Leclerc were made for each other. You bring out the best in each other and you stood together through the worst. Everyone knew that this is just the beginning. You may be rivals but both of you makes racing much more exciting to watch.

You were now world champion but you know Charles would never fail to make the next season much more exciting.

Bring it on Leclerc. I'm always ready to give everything I have. Here on track or wherever the wind might drop us. Come hell or high water, I am yours.

#formula 1 #charles leclerc x reader #las vegas gp fic #f1 female driver fic #max verstappen #f1 fem driver #f1 romance #f1 las vegas #las vegas grand prix #f1 fluff #f1 x you #charles leclerc #las vegas gp 2023 #f1 fem reader #f1 fic #cl16 #cl16 x reader #formula 1 x reader #f1 x reader

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

Uhh could you write dad headcanons for gavriel?

Baby lion

We all know this man is a textbook example of a FATHER. period. I don't know why but I always kind of imagine him not only being Aedion's father. There's just something in me that is screaming that there's one more child out there of his, that he takes care of and is trying to be there as much as he can.

With you, I think the babe would be both a mix of surprise but also something that is almost self-explanatory. Like yeah duh, you thought I wasn't gonna give this man a baby. Cause go to war with me for it, but kids are something Gavriel would bring up on a first proper date. Like there is no sugar coating. He knows his responsibilities. Knows that babies happen even if they are rare. He isn't taking a tonic and honestly, you are free to not take one in his book but this man ain't pulling out. Here you go. I said it.

I doubt it would happen quickly. I think it would happen once everything settles. Once everyone is safe and sound. No threats. No need to be on high alert. You two already settled in your little cottage in the woods. Living a happy domestic life. Growing crops and tending to a flower garden. Gavriel trains younglings in town as his hobby. Loving the fact that he can be a part of shaping young people into great soldiers.

And if you think you are telling him that you are pregnant. Forget about it. Gavriel would notice even before you did. He wouldn't necessarily clock onto it straight away. There's just a slight difference in how you smell. And that slight change makes something perk up deep inside him. This sudden wave of protectiveness rushed through his bloodstream.

So he just keeps an eye out for you. Not wanting to overwhelm you. But in case this is a sickness of some sort he wants to make sure that he would notice it before it spread. Yet all Gavriel finds is you becoming breathless quicker. Getting more grouchy at your mate, over the smallest things. Snaking right before bed and just randomly reaching for a pot of cookies throughout the day. But the thing that finally makes everything click is when Gavriel returns home after one of his lessons. It's barely after midday but he finds you curled up on a little day bed in the garden fast asleep. A warm smile spreads over his face as he steps closer.

Finally, he thinks to himself as he kneels in front of you. "I was waiting for you", Gavriel mutters, pressing his palm on your tummy. A little heartbeat is finally much easier to distinguish. No longer hidden by your own. "Had a feeling you were, happily growing there", and it's so surreal. To know. To be able to have this moment for himself. To be able to just soak in the knowledge. "Gavriel...", you mutter tiredly and your mate's eyes slowly drift back to you. "I see you've been busy", he teases almost, you narrow your eyes at him, "Hey, that's mean. I've made you lunch", you grumble.

But Gavriel is shaking his head, "Didn't mean it like that, my heart", he gently moves your hand to your tummy. You frown at first, confused by his actions but then your senses pick up on it. You let out a gasp. Big eyes watching Gavriel but he's just smiling. Smiling so fondly it's making your heart swell. "You knew?", you whisper, "I had a feeling something was different for a while but...", he admits, moving to brush away strand of your hair away from your face. "I'm... there's a baby", you whisper shout before your eyes fill up with tears, Gavriel lets out a breath laugh, "You're growing our little lion".

Honestly, the rest of the pregnancy would be out of a fantasy book. Gavriel is super attentive but he also cared for his previous partners in their pregnancies. So he knows what your body needs for sure. Trust him to be bringing home a whole area of fruits and goods you two don't have in your garden but that are beneficial for you and the baby.

He doesn't baby you. Nor is he controlling. You want to do laundry? Do it. Want to dust the floor or weed out the garden? Go for it. He doesn't try to put you on bed rest and lock you in the house. His only rule is - tell him when you start feeling tired. That's all he's asking of you. Gavriel knows moving around is good at the end of the day.

Doubt you would get protective outbursts from him. This man has too much self-control to just burst out, start throwing daggers, or murder someone if they came too close to you. It's more like as long as you are okay with people being close to you so is he. He's watching and assessing. He's looking for threats and dangerous it's just in a much more tamed manner.

Talks to the baby from the moment he finds out. Gavriel has many stories up his belt so nighttime stories are never dull. He always falls asleep holding your bump. He was always cuddly but now it's in his blood. He just needs to have you close. Feel you both.

He cherishes this pregnancy so much because it's the first time he could watch his partner and baby grow. Without someone interfering. Without Maeve lurking to harm. To take away. To rip to shreds the happiness. And so those fears come out at night through the nightmares that sometimes plague his sleep but they are quickly chased away by the baby moving around in your tummy. And he's so thankful for the chance to do this again to experience the love. The beauty of having a family.

#gavriel x you #gavriel x reader #gavriel imagine #gavriel tog imagine #gavriel tog x reader #tog x reader #tog imagine #tog x you #throne of glass imsgine #throne of glass x reader

[amethystina]

A health update (and a general explanation of my long Covid)

So while I've been pretty open about living with long Covid, I realise I've never taken the time to explain what that actually means for me and my quality of living. It's a phrase I toss around but I can imagine it doesn't feel all that substantial to a lot of you.

So I figured that now that I'm feeling a bit better (more on that later) I should do so. Partly because I figure it will make it easier to understand why I sometimes have to disappear for weeks on end.

So, if you're interested, feel free to keep reading under the cut :)

But be warned: It's long and kind of whiny. But also ends on a high note! So there's that.

The first time I caught Covid was around Easter 2020, long before there were any vaccines, which meant that I was hit hard. But no matter how bad I felt during the illness itself, the aftermath has been ten times worse. I've been living with my long Covid symptoms ever since, so for four years now. They worsened for a couple of months when I caught Covid a second time in February 2021, but have otherwise held pretty steady during those four years.

A lot of people experience different symptoms with their long Covid and, sometimes, they'll change as the weeks and months go by. I actually had a very interesting couple of months during 2022 when my sense of smell just went completely whack and everything suddenly smelled differently than it should. Like, I could be smelling an apple but it did not smell like an apple. It was a weird time in my life.

Anyway. My most common symptoms are fatigue, fevers, joint pain, brain fog, memory issues, incoherent speech, and lowered blood circulation.

(The latter actually kickstarted the Raynaud's syndrome I have on my mother's side so now I struggle with fingers and feet that will occasionally go white, bloodless, and completely numb at random intervals. Fun times)

The fatigue and fevers are the worst by far. For the past four years, I have had exhaustion fevers between two to five times a week. Or every single day if I'm unlucky. It's very much tied to how much sleep I'm getting, how well I'm eating, and how many taxing things I do each day. I need eight hours of sleep to be functional and anything less than that will most likely mean I'll end up having a fever before the day is over.

Unfortunately, I've always had issues with my sleep so, on most nights, I don't get eight hours even if I try my absolute best. Sometimes it's because I wake up too early and can't fall back asleep and, sometimes — because my life sucks — it's because my fever is so high that I can't fall asleep. Cue the endless cycle of too little sleep and fevers.

Because one of the main issues with these exhaustion fevers — and what makes them so difficult to manage — is that there's no way to lower them. Medicine has no effect whatsoever. Once I have it, I just have to suffer through however many hours are left until I can sleep and hope that it'll be gone in the morning. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

And every day my energy level gets just a little bit lower and the fever a little bit higher. Some days, all I can do when I get home from work is to lie on the couch and stare at the wall because I'm too tired and in too much pain to even watch something. And, again, no amount of medicine helps.

It continues on like this for a while and, every third or fourth month or so, the strain eventually becomes too much and I fall ill. My body simply shuts down from the continued stress and exhaustion, to the point where I can barely get out of bed. And, usually, I can feel it coming. On top of the fevers, I start coughing, then get a headache, and then my nose gets stuffy. And, by that time, I know I have about two to four days before I get sick. It's so accurate that my coworkers have learned that when I give the sign, they have to tell me whatever tasks they need to be finished within the near future since I'll probably be out of commission for one to two weeks.

But I eventually recover, go back to work, and so the cycle starts again. And again. And again. And again.

For four years.

All of this has, unsurprisingly, affected my quality of life to a pretty significant degree. I can barely work, let alone spend time doing any of my hobbies. I can't really travel anymore and, if I do, I'll get sick from the exhaustion. Even the 50-minute commute to the office (which I have to do three times a week) usually results in a fever before the day is over.

This inability to travel was how I ended up missing my maternal granddad's funeral. My shitty relatives didn't tell us the date for when he would be buried until there were only two days left and even if I could have put myself on an overnight train to get there, I knew I would be in no shape to actually be at the funeral if I did. So I couldn't go.

I did go to sit with my paternal grandmother as she was dying but, as expected, I got sick and couldn't return to work for a couple of days afterwards.

I also have to skip most birthday celebrations and any events happening on weekdays since I'm usually too feverish or won't manage the required trip to get there. My life has shrunk so much I barely recognise it anymore. I don't recognise myself. I used to be one of those people who could do a million things at the same time and somehow complete all of them. I was firm, organised, and efficient.

And now I'm not.

(... or, well, technically I am — at least compared to many others — but not compared to how I used to be xD)

Point being, a lot of things have changed and I don't like it. But, with that said, I'm also well aware that I'm lucky to be alive and I'm fortunate enough to have a stable job and a roof over my head. So, all things considered, I'm still doing pretty well.

But I also can't lie and say that this hasn't affected me in a deep and fundamental way. My life has changed and, right now, I don't know if it'll ever return to what I used to consider normal. And dealing with that knowledge — and the grief and fear that comes with it — hasn't been easy. I have cried ugly, self-pitying tears over this many, many times. It's frustrating to have no control over what my body does and to constantly have to be careful of what I do so I don't exhaust myself. I am furious that this happened to me.

But, after four years, there's also a certain amount of acceptance. And while I'm annoyed by my new limitations, I try my best not to feel too sorry for myself. Instead, I try to adapt as best I can, even if I might not always do it gracefully.

That does mean that I sometimes push myself more than I should, though. Because, if I didn't, I wouldn't never produce anything. As depressing as it is to admit, everything I've given you in the past four years has been while I was sick. I don't think a single chapter I've written or drawing I've made has been untouched by this. I've become an expert at writing, editing, and drawing even with a fever.

That doesn't mean I regret it, though — quite the opposite. I think that if I hadn't had a reason to write and draw, I would have felt even worse. A lof of the time, the excitement I feel when I'm able to post a chapter or show off a drawing I've made has been the highlight of my week. It's an accomplishment.

But, that said, it's still hard. Writing in particular. It requires a level of brainpower I can't reach when the fevers are too bad. And so, sometimes, I just can't. I literally just can't.

And, back in January, as I was trying to edit chapter 39 of Who Holds the Devil, I honestly pushed myself too hard. I was so determined to finish it that I didn't let myself see just how bad I was feeling — not at all helped by how emotionally draining the content of the chapter was.

It was only once I finished the chapter and posted it that I realised how absolutely wretched I felt. Not because of the chapter itself, but my lack of compassion for myself, I guess? Because the fevers were bad, I was barely sleeping, and I was both mentally and physically exhausted. And, what was worse, I realised that I was displaying depression symptoms I hadn't seen in over ten years.

All of a sudden, I got annoyed as soon as a minor inconvenience appeared. Everything people said to me was dissected into its tiniest component. I feared that people were secretly hating me. I couldn't meet people's eyes anymore when I was talking to them. I didn't realise I was just sitting there, staring at a wall, until several minutes had already passed.

And, as the final nail in the coffin, I stopped talking about how I was feeling.

And that, right there, is my last warning that I need to do something — always has been, ever since I was a teenager. When I clam up completely, refusing to admit to the people around me that I'm feeling bad, that's when I'm about to spiral.

So, the very next day, I went to my boss and told her that I'm getting burnt out and I need to do something NOW or this was going to turn ugly real soon. Thankfully, my boss is amazing and, after a doctor's visit, I was put on partial sick leave. Right now, I'm working six hours a day instead of eight and, let me tell you, I'm thriving.

Or, well, as much as I can while still having long Covid.

I'm almost angry at how much better I feel because, if I had known, I would have done this a lot sooner. I actually have energy now! I've only had a fever about four times in a little over a month! That's insane! It used to be four a week!

So yeah. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. The downside is that the partial sick leave is still only temporary and there are no guarantees that I'll be able to keep it. Though, if need be, I'll just have to ask my boss to rewrite my contract and change the amount of hours I work because, man, I don't ever want to go back considering how much better and happier I feel. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I feel like I've gotten my life back. It's not quite the same as before, but close enough to it that I kind of want to cry again — but happy tears this time.

And so I've spent the past couple of weeks just... living? When, before that, it felt like I was merely existing. I've been drawing a lot since that helps with the depression symptoms (which are almost completely gone, thank god) but writing has been harder. Possibly because I forced myself to do it during a time when I felt really, really bad and now I'm instinctively trying to shy away from it. But, since I know that's just my mind playing tricks on me, I'm going to give it another try this weekend. I want to write and I miss the stories I'm working on. And, hopefully, since I'm feeling a bit better, I can maybe get back to a more structured uploading schedule. But we'll see. As always, I can't make any promises.

But that's about it, I guess? I'm feeling better and, since I am, I've been doing a lot of things that I wasn't able to before (like taking walks — I take a lot of walks). And I'm still trying to figure out my new routine now that I work less. And while I still get sick sometimes (I am right now, in fact, due to lack of sleep on Tuesday night) I always find my way back eventually.

So yeah. If you've read this far, thank you so much for your patience 💜 I admit that I don't really enjoy writing things like these since it feels like I'm whining — I was very much raised not to take up space or complain when things are difficult (an unfortunate side effect to being the middle child with two disabled, high-maintenance siblings) — but I also prefer honesty and transparency. And I feel a little guilty since there are times when I've given pretty harsh responses when people question why I'm sick all the time or why I don't upload chapters as often as I used to, but without actually explaining why. So I guess it's time to be honest?

And the truth is that I've been constantly sick for the past four years. Not only due to my long Covid, but also the emotional and psychological toll of all the loss, grief, and pain I've been through. These past four years have been rough.

But I'm not saying that to gain pity or make excuses. I actually think I've done pretty well considering just how hindered I've been. I've improved my drawings so much and have written... god knows how many words. I'm honestly kind of scared to check xD But it has to be over 600k by now, maybe closer to 700k.

I think my only regret is that I haven't been able to engage with you all to the extent I would want. I wish I could be a more active and enthusiastic participant in fandom — to seek you out, hold conversations, and give you all even a fraction of the attention you've given me. I feel like I don't offer you nearly enough.

But I also know that I have to accept my own limitations. So, for now, we'll have to settle for whatever I can give, even if it's less than I would want. But I will keep on creating, trust me on that, because I'm stubborn as fuck and even if my pace is slower, I'm still determined to finish what I start.

And that's the note I want to end this on. I have suffered, yes — more so than I may have expressed to you all — but I've still managed to create some beautiful things. And while I mourn who I used to be and the fact that some of you have never known me at my best, I don't think the me I am right now is all that terrible. Do I want things to change? Yes, definitely. But do I want to change the choices I've made and the things I've accomplished in the past four years? No, I can't say that I do. I'm proud of what I've done, especially considering my limitations.

And, if you're reading this, thank you so, so much for your kindness, compassion, and support. Some of you are old friends while others of you are new, but I am grateful to every single one of you. You have made these past four years more bearable. You have made it easier to keep fighting. You have made it worth it.

Thank you 💜

#Amethystina and Life #I don't really know what to tag this as #A rant? #A rambling? #An explanation? #It's just a lot I guess #And I admit I'm still hesitating whether to post this or not #I don't like talking about things like this #Or draw attention to it might be a better way to put it #But yeah #It's here if you want to read it #But do so at your own risk #Now I'm going to bed #And might just pretend I never wrote this because I feel awkward and embarrassed x'D

[linkspooky]

hi 👋

i was wondering how do you go about writing mai zen’in?

i wanted to write more about her but I don’t think I have her character voice completely right yet. 🫠

and out of all the fics I read that focused on mai (it’s not a lot 😭) i think you wrote mai the most accurately.

I'll do my best anon, but fair warning ahead of time what you're going to get isn't exactly canon Mai, because Mai as a character has about three major scenes in canon, her introduction, her fight with Maki and then her death. I've done my best to flesh out Mai based on my interpretation of those three scenes. This is basically how I characterize her in my fics Werewolf and Inugami Family.

To understand Mai you have to understand Maki

As much as I enjoy Mai as her own character, the way Gege writes her within the story itself is basically as a tool to prop up Maki. Which means a lot of Mai's characterization is derived from how she relates to Maki, and also her relationship with Maki.

A lot of this is going to sound like, if Maki is X, then Mai is Y.

I think as a character Mai is designed to be everything that Maki is not. Nobara in fact makes that comparison between the two of them, that Mai is the shitty knock off version of Maki.

Maki looks at her situation in life, and doesn't mope or whine about it she earnestly works hard to improve it. In comparison, Mai not only pities herself a lot more than Maki does, she also blames the people around her (even her sister who she loves) rather than herself. Mai's the kind of person where if you were sitting there listening to them complain, you'd eventually get fed up hearing them and say "Well, aren't you going to do anything about it or are you just going to sit there?"

Mai's basically designed to be sort of unlikable, to make Maki look better. As an unintended side effect, she actually shows the symptoms of her traumatic upbringing in the Zen'in a lot clearer. Maki for someone who has apparently been violently abused her entire life, doesn't really lash out in anger that often, doesn't act up, and is for the most part just kind of introverted and a loner. Her worst quality is that she doesn't really respect or trust the people around her.

Mai on the other hand shows a lot of symptoms of what she endured. She's interalized the fact that she's weak and helpless and doesn't try to step beyond that. Mai is one of the complacent women of the Zen'in Clan like her mother. Naoya even says in his assessment of the twins that Mai may have a bad mouth but she ultimately knows her place. Mai acts oversexual and flirtatious when she's engaging women around her and seems to just get plain annoyed by men. Mai says the nastiest things imaginable, and she's totally willing to throw the same emotinoal abuse the clan constantly threw at Maki (you're weak, you're useless without a cursed technique) if she thinks it'll get attention from her sister. Mai's trauma is actually a problem which shows up in her everyday behavior. Nobara says trauma isn't an excuse to just do whatever you want, and like that's a quote from an unsympathetic source but I do think Mai has a tendency to play the victim.

Mai's also defined entirely by her cowardice. She just wants to run away and hide rather than face things. Part of the reason she wants her sister back is because her life would be easier if someone else was there to either protect her or suffer with her, even if that's not what's best for Maki. Mai's one backstory moment is her being so terrified of curses she wanted to close her eyes to everything and cling to her sister's hands rather than face it.

Mai's eternally running away from her problems, but if anything to me that makes her a far easier character to write than Maki. The best advice I can give about Mai is try to make her as unlikable as possible. She's whiney, mean, and rude. If you had her as a friend you'd probably get sick of her pretty quickly.

A big basis of my characterization for Mai is Faith from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, if you want a show to watch for inspiration. Faith is the negative character foil for the hero Buffy. Because Faith is first an anti-hero, and then an anti-villain she's allowed to have a lot more negative traits to explore than Buffy is as the hero. Faith is not required to be likable, she doesn't have to appear moral and because of that there's a lot more flexibility with her character. So, Faith to Buffy is take the heroes flaws, and make them more ugly. Mai to Maki, is lets take Maki's flaws and make them more annoying. What if Mai had Maki's exact same trauma, but she was annoying about it and nobody respected her?

As a character there's a lot you can work with for her, because she has a lot of flaws to overcome. Not only that but her internal world is very complex, basically nothing that comes out of her mouth is the truth and she never tells anyone how she really feels. Which means you can show a lot of that complexity by demonstrating say, the difference between her words and her actions. Or say, the difference between how she really feels about someone like her sister, and the things she says because she's trying to cover up that vulnerability.

My last advice is Mai is kind of in a continual state of pain. It's not like she's not getting over her childhood abuse as an adult, she's literally still living in that abusive home with really no way out and no therapist to talk to or adult figure to rely on. If she's not strong enough like Maki to just overcome it, then everything she does is a sort of twisted attempt to cope with the pain, like someone who drinks just to get through the day. If your every day reality is to be stuck in a painful home where you're continually reeling from that pain and feeling like you're in danger, then it's going to be hard for you to think straightforwardly about things or even try to self improve like Maki does because your brain is in survival mode.

That's all I've got for now, hope you had fun.

#mai zenin #maki zenin #askspookies

[siriusly-sapphic]

thoughts on nobleflower i need to know i have so much in my brain

Oh oh oh! Yes!

Okay so I'm a little sick and my thoughts about anything Narcissa femslash related are usually already all over the place so? Bear with me while I type this on my phone?

First: let me establish the specific setting. Since I tend to mess about with Narcissa's age a little depending on the ship bc the canon Black family tree is a right mess that I've decided I can do whatever I want with. For alicissa tho, I tend to just go with Narcissa being 4/5 years older than the marauders, and Alice being like a year older than Narcissa.

And as for any Narcissa headcanon I have, I'm writing this with the idea of trans!narcissa in mind, though it works very similarly if you imagine her as cis. If you want more context for how I see trans!narcissa in canon compliant settings, I have a 7K meta post here but it's not necessary for this (I just like linking it).

Also we're going with some canon compliancy here. No happy endings today.

So.

Alicissa is one of those ships that, for me, starts out genuinely cute. Like... dorcissa starts out as denial and rivalry, narlily can end cute but starts messy. Alicissa starts sweet. It starts hopeful.

It starts in an icecream shop.

I'd say it starts the summer before Narcissa's 5th year, which is the time I headcanon she comes out as trans and has begun her transition. Which means 1. She is quite terrified of making 'another' mistake to embarrass her family and 2. The scariest moments of her life have just been blasted over Witch Weekly and the Daily Prophet. She is scared, she's being very brave about it, and she gets mean when she's nervous. (Well. Meaner than usual.)

Alice has a type of girl she loves and that type is brave and mean and a little sassy.

So you know, when Narcissa comes into Florean Fortescue's, ignores all the stares she gets, and gets snappy when Alice teases her about mint-chocolate chip being the worst flavour to order.... what choice does she really have except to fall in love right then and there?

And I think on Narcissa's side, developing any crush on a girl will always come with a bit of angst. Because from the moment she transitions, she has a very clear path in mind of what to do and what to be in order to make her family proud of them again. (I could go into more detail, but honestly for that if you're interested see the meta linked above.) And dating girls... not a part of that plan.

But she wants to.

And Alice makes it easier to be brave.

They're prefects in different years and different houses and they're good at keeping secrets and Narcissa can get Kingsley, the head boy, to move the prefect schedule so that she and Alice have rounds together. (She knows that Kingsley's into Rodolphus Lestrange like no other, and like I said. She can be a little mean.)

And I think that for that first year. The first two years, even, when they’re still at school and life hasn't gotten quite so tainted with war yet? They're happy. And they're cute. And it feels good. Like it can last.

It can't. Obviously.

One headcanon is that Narcissa starts struggling in school bc yknow she's going through some shit, and maybe there's a subject or two she's never been a natural at and is now falling behind in, and it just so happens that Alice is really good at that. So they can meet publicly in the library while Alice tutors her and Narcissa struggles to get over her embarrassment for needing a tutor.

Narcissa has only ever missed one quidditch game (she hates the game, but her best friends are the Lestrange brothers (oh yes that gets painful later) and they play on the team, sonshe has to go). That's the game Alice convinces her to come into the Gryffindor common room while everyone is gone and they make out in front of the fireplace.

They almost get caught. Narcissa avoids her for about a week. They never take that risk again.

And then the war. Alice graduates first, and I see her as being quite determined to make a difference in the war and unsure how to do it. Obviously the Order is a very secret organisation, and she doesn't know about it immediately, so she becomes an auror.

That's also where she meets her future husband Frank Longbottom (bless that man).

Meanwhile Narcissa is a seventh year, her best friends are losing their parents and are drowning in it and she is trying to balance NEWTs and helping the Lestrange twins and the ever important thing of Not Disappointing Her Parents (Again).

I think, however unjustly so, she starts blaming it on Alice for leaving. Which is obviously not actually Alice's fault bc that's just how gradustion works, but it's easier to blame a girl with who it never could've worked out (and maybe shouldn't have worked out as long as it did), than it is to realise that this is just a shitty collection of circumstances. Or worse, to blame her family. She can never blame her family. (She feels she owes her family too much to blame them)

So by the time Narcissa graduates, she's planning an engagement with Rabastan Lestrange that will fall through soon enough and she hasn't told Alice about yet. Alice, at that point, is an auror who's working together with Frank and feels so very betrayed when she does find out about Narcissa's engagement.

It's one of those things that has always been inevitable. But that Alice couldn't help but secretly hope wouldn't happen anyway.

And I think that's where it goes wrong.

Because Alice tells her not to marry Rabastan, around the same time that Rabastan is trying very hard to destroy everything good in his life because grief isn't kind, and Narcissa is the best damn thing to have happened to him. Druella Black ("you should do better than a miserable second son"), Alice Fortescue ("just get away from all of it"), and Rabastan Lestrange ("why are we bothering anyway?") himself, all tell her to break off an engagement that brought her SO much joy when it became reality.

And so Narcissa decides to hate all of them for it.

Except she can’t. Obviously. But she decides she does anyway.

Because Druella is still the mother she wants to be proud of her, and Rabastan is still her best friend who she wants to protect, and Alice is still the first person she ever really fell in love with. She can’t hate them. But she wants to.

But I think that strains alicissa's relationship a lot. Because it shows that Narcissa isn't just mean, she can be cruel and delusional. And it makes it clear that it doesn’t really matter how much Narcissa loves Alice (because she does. She really does.) Because as brave as Narcissa can be, she's a scared young woman who seeks to protect herself. And protecting herself in pureblood society means marrying a suitable pureblood wizard. It doesn’t mean running away with a halfblood witch and hoping life turns out alright.

Narcissa has always protected herself by planning ahead and following her plan. Alice doesn’t fit into that. And Alice isn't the type of woman who will wait around to see if Narcissa's plans change.

So when Narcissa gets engaged to Lucius Malfoy, and her happy and perfect smile is all over the Daily Prophet, Alice accepts Frank's invitation for a date.

And for a while that's that.

There's some looks, because Frank is a Longbottom and while he's on his way to become a traitor, his great aunt was a Black and he still gets invited to notable pureblood events. Not for long, but long enough. There are some strained conversations and longing glances and even, once or twice, guilt-ridden hookups when their respective husbands are out.

Alice feels a whole lot more terrible about that than Narcissa does. She loves Frank. I swear she does.

Alice is a renowned auror and joins the Order and is a genuine danger to any death eater who comes her way. Narcissa is terrified every day that her husband might die at her lover's hands — or god forbid the other way around.

Alice grows to hate Narcissa during that war. Because how dare she attend charity galas to safekeep the victims of a war, when she damn well knows it's her friends and family waging that war. The hypocrisy and the cruelty too much.

Alice likes her women brave and a little mean. Not cowardly and cruel.

They become mothers around the same time. Two months apart. When they’re both pregnant, they see each other occasionally in the same maternity shops and healer waiting rooms. There's a kinship there and this very strong desire for a closer bond, that ultimately can't withstand the hatred and the mistrust that the war and Narcissa's choices have brought upon them.

And then the war is over.

Narcissa and Lucius manage to escape any time in azkaban. Alice and Frank can finally settle and mourn their loved ones. All four of them can look at these beautiful young boys in their arms and hope with all their might that their lives will be easier.

(It’s unclear when the attack on the Longbottoms happened. We know it happened after the war, and we know it happened when people had just begun feeling safe again. We know there was enough time for Crouch sr to start greying by the time the Lestranges were put on trial.)

But that wrecks Narcissa.

I wanna say that Alice and Narcissa stopped actively seeing each other when the war ended. Alice doesn't want to have an affair when she is genuinely happily married and she has a son. Maybe she's trying for a second child.

But Narcissa’s best friends in the world. The family I tend to describe as "what the Potters and James were to Sirius, the Lestranges and Rodolphus were to Narcissa". And her sister. Two of whom knew just how fucking important Alice Fortescue was to Narcissa, once upon a time.

I genuinely don't think Narcissa believed it, when the Lestranges were first accused of that crime. I don't think she wanted to believe them capable of it. And when it turned out to be true.... I have so many thoughts about that connection I could fill another and longer post. But it wrecks her.

Narcissa only visits Alice once.

It's under the guise of "seeing what her sister has done, to put it behind her". Augusta Longbottom is there, in absolute pieces because her only son is gone. Neville is there, Draco's age. Alice doesn't recognise her. Narcissa thinks it might be better that way.

Narcissa just really doesn't belong there. And she doesn't belong there because of her own choices, her own mistakes. And I think that realisation breaks her even further.

Only one of them remembere what they used to be, and Narcissa selfishly wishes that it wasn't her.

Okay and this is getting long so. The rest is just little moments of pain. Draco writing home about how stupid this Longbottom kid is? The absolute guilt of knowing her darling boy is bullying the son of the woman Narcissa loved most? Post war, when maybe Neville is old enough to want to know more about Alice and find out that there aren’t many people alive who remember Alice when she was young. But Narcissa does.

And don't even get me started on the Lestranges escaping Azkaban. That's agony right there. I have no time. But also I have SO many thoughts and all of them heard more than the other so one day I'll inflict them on others.

This became so long I'm sorry lmao, but I hope you like the thoughts. This is why happier fix it AUs exists.

#alicissa #alice longbottom #narcissa malfoy #harry potter #hp femslash #marauders era #nobleflower #alice fortescue #narcissa black #my headcanons #headcanons #marauders fandom #answered asks #pomegranatepetrichord

[stilljuststardust]

tell us more about your dr!! sorry im so curious abt this

Random DR stuff:

I have a bunch of DRs so I'll just give some fun details about some of them! I'm avoiding super personal details sorry. Most of my other DRs really haven't been scripted or explored super well so I'm focusing on my Hogwarts one.

Hogwarts DR <3

My bedroom

I would decorate it very differently and have a door to my room but I'm in love with the room itself! I live by a forest and spent most of my childhood in the woods.

My dorm room

I have a single person dorm. I've scripted I have my own bathroom and shower as well because I cannot handle spending literal years in a room with four other people I'd rip my hair out.

I also scripted my own bathroom and I have a shower like the one the prefects bathroom has (in the book the shower has like a bunch of different scents that the soap and water can be)

My rabbit

I haven't decided a name. He is a lop (a kind of domesticated rabbit with floppy ears) and he's incredibly cuddly. If you are scripting a rabbit in be warned if it's male and not neutered or if it's territorial it will try to shit all over your bed.

Look it up. It's a thing. Nobody warns you.

Other things I'd recommend you script for rabbits:

Hay stays in their food area and doesn't get everywhere. I swear you will never stop finding hay.

Script they actually use their litterbox and they don't sleep in it. (The litter boxes smell so much worse than you could ever ever imagine please script it is less gross, self cleaning or that it's easier to clean omg)

They don't try to destroy everything and actually use the toys you give them lol

You have an endless supply of hay, rabbit food (pellet or otherwise), etc and you aren't allergic/ can't smell it.

Script they don't try to eat your hair. They will do it. They will.

They don't escape or run away. They will try to get through doors the second they open.

They're safe/nothing tries to harm them

Please don't use a cage for them they need a lot of space if you need to script out the negatives of having them free roam your room do it but please don't lock them up in small spaces :(

Your house is automatically bunny proofed and they stop trying to eat wires.

Script you know about proper care they're complicated fellas

Sorry the list is long but until you've had a bunny you don't know how crazy these little guys can be/the downsides because they aren't a common pet and proper bunny care isn't common knowledge.

Positives because I worry I talked you out of rabbits:

Litterally the softest fur you'll ever ever ever touch.

Even bunnies that are squeamish about being picked up are affectionate after you gain their trust

Litterally so so cute

Zoomies

Once I was sick and miserable in bed and my bunny hopped onto my chest and tried comforting me :( such a sweetheart

My bf

We've been best friends since we met. We're two halves of the same whole and our personalities compliment each other perfectly. He's honestly such a goofy person and we spend most of our time laughing.

He comes from an unaccepting muggle family and I've always done everything I can to make him feel safe and at home. I love this man so so so much.

He's sweet and funny and I really don't understand how anyone could dislike him. He is such a source of light I just love him so much.

He's an incredibly open minded person if a little naïve. Honestly just one of those people you can't help but feel safe around. He's so full of love I hope someday I can repay him.

He's been hurt a lot by others and all I want is to make him feel safe and cared for :/

His vibe:

#shifting antis dni #ask stardust #shiftblr #desired reality #shifting community

[crimeronan]

Would Empress Luz (once things are cleared up with Raine and Darius via mindscape trauma adventures) want to try reuniting with Camila via portal? I can see things re her and Vee and everything else coming to light (if Vee could even keep up the illusion that long) being very interesting/traumatising. Both for Luz, Vee and Camila and for Hunter and the rest of her newer adoptive family (Raine, Darius and Eda. I'd hope there'd eventually be a happy ending to it, but it would take some work.

ooh i actually do have an answer for this one!

in this AU, luz has been in the isles since she was about four, so her memories of the human world are vague and dreamy. she remembers having had human parents who loved her, but she wouldn't be able to pick them out of a lineup. (this also led to some upsetting discussions in my writing group chat about the consequences of her being raised by a colonizer - she's lost her spanish, is slightly more anxious about gender roles, etc, it's...... deeply sad and shitty)

the idea of returning to the human realm honestly scares the crap out of luz.

for one, she's much more comfortable around magic than she would be in a magic-less world; even though she KNOWS that she wouldn't be physically disabled in the human world like she is in the isles, and that she'd have an easier time finding food that doesn't make her sick, etc. she has some anxieties about how maybe she ~*~belongs~*~ there, because belos coming to the isles was clearly Not Fucking Good For Anyone. and on a more pointed note, belos used the human world to threaten her when they were fighting about hunter. so she has Very Few positive associations with the place

i'm FASCINATED by the concept of vee managing to escape and switch places with her around that time, i hadn't considered that before and it's. harrowing. it becomes kind of a changeling fairytale, right, except the changeling Knows she isn't human and remembers just enough to be TERRIFIED of being found out and sent back to the fae world.... GOD. poor vee. this is DELICIOUS.

the version of the story i've been working with so far, though, is one with this idea from my friend mock, because it fucking Haunts Me:

vee ends up escaping at around the same time as canon (well -- two years later, since luz is sixteen when the major events of the story play out). and when vee sees camila coming in the house, she takes the shape of the first person she sees in photos.

toddler luz.

aka. the daughter that camila is reasonably certain has been dead for over a decade.

i'm just imagining camila like. having a shaky near-sobbing breakdown and scooping vee-luz up and calling a friend like, i need you to come over and tell me if i'm hallucinating or if i'm seeing a real ghost. because camila KNOWS that if her daughter was alive, she'd be sixteen now.

i THINK vee would fess up pretty fast after that. because she feels Horrifically Guilty, AND because she can't play a Miracle Baby without inviting questions from much scarier humans, And because camila seems both so kind and so upset that vee is hoping she can make a break for it if she has to.

it's common knowledge in the isles that the princess is human, even though belos isn't out as human himself. because belos has been using luz as an excuse to do some human-supremacist white-savior-trope "the titan brought her from Real civilization to save you from yourselves <3" bullshit

and i think that vee would probably tell camila that. i'm 50/50 on whether vee knows luz's name or not (she certainly wouldn't know the name 'noceda,' at least). but either way, i think that camila would be like. okay. i have to be practical. i can't get my hopes up like this. my daughter is dead and it would be insane of me to chase this fantasy.

.....but i Have to know.

and like. she ESPECIALLY fucking has to know if she's heard even a Fraction of what vee has been through. vee has probably characterized the princess as just as evil as the rest of the royal family. but camila knows that even IF that's true, upbringing has a big impact on someone's character, and if her daughter was raised by an evil fascist then..... someone has to help her. no matter how terrible she is.

so i just imagine like. camila managing to find her way into the boiling isles (how this happens is up in the air. i haven't figured out exact portal logistics), IMMEDIATELY outing herself as a human, and demanding to see the emperor. and being told that the emperor died very recently, but she can meet the empress instead.

and it's luz. and luz's public-facing persona is made of steel (albeit friendly and kind steel), but her private self is transparently fragile in ways that are Extremely Alarming, and camila is like.

okay.

what. the fuck. did that man do to you.

(there's a background fic here. for anyone looking for expansion on uh. what exactly that man did to her. yikes!)

#replies #this is another scenario that's worth ficcing in full but i'm not sure if i'll ever be well enough to do so #so you get the plot in my head. camila's like i'm 98% sure this is my daughter and 100% sure someone badly hurt her #extra bonus points if she clocks how generally ill luz seems and how heavily she's leaning on hunter both emotionally and physically #there's a FASCINATING dynamic that could happen here if like. vee has told camila that the golden guard is a special kind of evil #in line with the emperor. the princess is just passively ignorant but the golden guard Knows things and hasn't stepped in #camila surveying hunter like. i don't want to pass judgment yet. but i really can't tell if you're helping her #or if you're the one making her sick. MMMMM HORROR TERROR AWFULNESS YAY #anyway. those are my thoughts. #toh #princess luz au #camila noceda #luz noceda #vee noceda #long post

[spooniechef]

Gluten-Free Chocolate Mug Cake (0 Spoons)

I've been quiet here for awhile, at least in part because it's been a long month or two. There's been overtime at work, which I should not have been doing but because we're understaffed and half the office got sick, I had little choice. Also I went to what will probably be my last convention a couple of weeks ago, which was objectively hellacious but I got autographs from the entire cast of Critical Role so I regret nothing. But of course I came out of that with a serious pain flare and what might have been con crud but was also quite possibly the flu, so that kind of murdered any chance of my being productive the last couple of weeks. But I have this week off and I have some plans. Mostly because I got cookbooks and very much intend to use them.

Side note - I've been contemplating doing a thing to raise money for Fibromyalgia Action UK, and weirdly, my main thought about something sponsored has been "cook through an entire cookbook in 12 months", like The Julie / Julia Project. I came up with that idea least partly because Julie Powell died a couple of weeks ago, which ... I mean, she was barely older than me, what the fuck? But also because cookbooks don't exactly give a chronic pain-friendly rating to its recipes, and part of it would involve doing an adjunct-document with spoon ratings like I do on the recipes here. Still toying with the idea, at least partly because butter and eggs are expensive as fuck. Don't even get me started on the pecans I need for a recipe I got my mother to bring me Jell-O pudding from North America especially to make. Also there's too much that needs buttermilk and that's not so much a thing over here.

Which brings me to today's bit of cookery notes. See, I have new cookbooks, and I've been trying to decide what I want to make from them. I'm having serious executive dysfunction about so much of it, so for the most part I've been sticking with chocolate chip cookies. But I didn't want to do that this time, but there are so many cookies to try. Eventually I got tired of indecision and just really wanted a sweet treat, and one of my cookbooks (Quick + Easy Gluten Free by Becky Excell, which I heartily recommend) had recipes for mug cakes. I'd never tried one, so I figured, why not? I went for the chocolate one instead of the jam doughnut one because I didn't want to use an egg for just the yolk until I found something to do with the white. (Which probably means the next recipe you'll see here is gluten-free cinnamon roll sugar cookies, but anyway.)

So! Chocolate mug cakes! Here's what you'll need:

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

4 tablespoons milk

2 tablespoons caster sugar

1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder

3 tablespoons gluten-free all-purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon gluten-free baking powder

1 tablespoon chocolate chips

I imagine you could replace both the all-purpose flour and the baking powder with gluten-containing versions and have it be fine. But note - no xanthan gum, no egg. You could probably add the tiniest drop of vanilla extract, though.

Here's what you do:

Put all the ingredients in a microwaveable mug; mix well

Cover the mug with plastic wrap; poke a few holes in the plastic

Microwave on high for 60-70 seconds

Let cool for a couple of minutes (the mug will be really hot)

FEAST (they recommend topping it with ice cream and / or chocolate syrup, so maybe do that and then FEAST)

There is no earthly way I could make this any easier. You could probably add various bits of additional flavour - replace the chocolate chips with fudge chips, a drop of vanilla or orange or mint extract, maybe a pinch of cinnamon - but it's pretty well fine on its own. The only thing I can add is that the cookbook says microwave on high in a 900W microwave, but mine is 800W so I just put it in for 70 seconds and it was fine, so maybe add an extra 5-10 seconds if your microwave is lower wattage than that.

So yeah, this is the perfect spoonie dessert, really. If you're having a bad day and are tired and you just want something nice that requires no effort and isn't a £3 brownie? This is the way to go.

#the spoonie chef #recipes #gluten-free #sweets #baking #(sort of baking anyway)

[glitterrosesnzz]

UPDATED F/URINA HC'S

put under the cut because they're 4.2 spoilers and idk how many of y'all have finished the arc/hon quest (i did it in one day lmao)

Still hc that Furina's sneezes are mostly loud, yes. However, she stifles and forces them quieter WAY MORE than previously imagined.

the tidal wave thing?? listen. it's still true- only because sometimes when Furina sneezed, Focalors would as well, thus causing the tsunami incidents. this wasn't a guarantee to happen everytime though- and Furina never even knew it was happening. Neuvillette noticed though.

due to the way citizens reacted the first time Furina sneezed in public ("I didn't know a god was capable of such a thing"), Furina decided to maintain the act of "Well of course not- I was just mimicking what I've seen humans do to appear more like you! You should be honoured I'm attempting this at all!" and somehow this WORKED on people.

Furina has NO IDEA that gods can also get sick, so she would hide it. This did lead to her, once, briefly passing out in the Opera Epiclesse, sending people into a panic. She explained it away afterwards as just being "overwhelmed with using her energy to clean the pollution in their waters", which people bought and also brought down pollution levels for a bit.

Neuvillette of course, knows that gods can get sick, as he can also get sick, so he was the only one who would take the proper measures to care for Furina when she was ill. Unfortunately, she'd continue to protest such actions, so he had to be very discreet about it to make sure she got the care she needed.

post-archon quest, Furina doesn't have to hide it when she's sick anymore, but it's so ingrained in her that she still does it. she would admit to it now when it's called out though, but she's gotten so good at hiding it over the years that most people don't notice.

Furina happens to be allergic to rainbow roses. People used to throw them onto the stage whenever she'd choose to preform with a troupe, and it took all her strength to not succumb to the itchiness it would cause.

since she frequently cries a lot, and her normal, unquietened sneezes are quite vocal, she tends to lose her voice pretty fast. (and also her immune system isn't very good, I vaguely remember hearing that it's easier to catch something when you've been crying)

post-archon quest she continues to stifle/quiet her sneezes until someone else intervenes. who it would be that would intervene, i have no idea, but someone would have to.

after acquiring her vision, sneezing starts having genuine effects on her hydro abilities that she can notice. if she's walking on water, her concentration will be broken and she'll fall into the water, for example. She frequently ends up soaked from either this, or other hydro mishaps- like a ball of water she was playing with exploding in her face.

THIS ISN'T CANON BUT IT'S FUN TO ME- I'm pretty sure she actually just changed her outfit + cut her hair post-archon quest, but since one of her abilities is to swap forms, I think it would be SO FUN if sneezing would change her outfit colour + hair. Also causes a burst of pneumia/ousia.

in other news i am OBSESSED with her-

#Gen/shin Imp/act #snz

[wavy-gorl]

did not realize there was a community for this, but this is the internet i should've known

hi i was born with a cleft soft and hard palate, i didn't have a cleft lip or anything else (still tagging this because i wanna reach anyone who understands), my mom told me that i also have the thing where you have a really small chin combined with a cleft palate but i don't remember the name of the condition

i've like literally never been able to talk to anyone else who's had one and i mean my friends all know about it and i love them, but like they don't fully understand bc they haven't experienced it, you know how it is

but uh yeah i've always felt really weird labeling myself as like disabled or anything like that because i've always felt like my cleft palate wasn't enough but honestly my entire life has kinda revolved around it so i feel like i should

here's the part where i'm going to dump in a list all of my super specific experiences in hopes that someone will relate because i am so serious when i say that i've never talked to someone who relates before:

tw: idk medical stuff, ed mentioned (arfid specifically), mildly graphic i guess (just complaining about medical stuff i've had to deal with)

i've had 11 surgeries (feeding tube, adenoids removed, palate repairs, and ear tubes)

i have this sick as fuck second belly button and honestly sometimes i forget that most people only have one and i have to do a double take when i see other people's boring abdomens

i have a list of foods that i cannot eat because they taste like general anesthesia (including but not limited to: whoppers, onion rings, cranberry juice, blue candy hearts, and wintergreen life savers)

i was diagnosed with arfid recently, but i've had it my entire life because i had a feeding tube for the first year of my life and so i just cannot handle most food textures

i have really bad social skills and low self-esteem because i got bullied when i was younger because people couldn't understand me because my voice was really weird, this got better with surgeries but it didn't fix my lack of social skills

I HATED SPEECH THERAPY, like 14 years of it did not make s sounds easier to pronounce

i need hearing aids but i can't get them because i have holes in my ears and extreme drainage, but the holes are good because they allow my ears to drain but the fact that there's drainage is still bad and ahhhhhh

i'm 19 but i still have to go back and forth between the children's hospital and the regular one when it comes to palate stuff and it's honestly annoying sometimes (everyone's nice though so it's fine)

eating is awful because nose stuff i don't want to go into detail but iykyk (don't make me laugh while eating)

i don't have a uvula and when people find out, it's suddenly the most interesting fact they know about me and i don't get it

not even i know my full medical history it is so incredibly complex

i have a collection of my wristbands

the worst fucking thing in the world was the stupid nasal endoscopy, like early covid brain-poking tests were fucking nothing compared to that stupid camera going up my nose

mouth breathing

i have random vocal/breathing tics (i guess tic is the right term?) and they are annoying but yeah

every goddamn time i went to the orthodontist, he would always say every FUCKING TIME "don't let your mom tell you that you have a big mouth because i'm here to tell you otherwise" LIKE I GET IT

when i got my teeth pulled, the laughing gas didn't work because 1.) that shit's so weak and 2.) i had to breathe it in through my nose exclusively (mouth breathing point), but they didn't believe me and went along with the procedure anyway and after experiencing that, hell has nothing on me

my role model growing up was lentil bean, the cleft palate dog

the only piece of media i ever related to was Wonder, but even that one contributed to me feeling like i hadn't gone through enough to consider my cleft palate a big deal

i am a musician (singer and percussionist) but i can't breathe, hear, or speak properly and so i bet you can imagine how hellish that is

i had to quit dance when i was younger because i kept missing entire seasons because of my surgeries (since recovery was like 4 weeks sometimes) and i really wish that i didn't have to

ok yeah that's all i can think of please someone relate to me god please

#cleft palate #cleft lip #craniofacial #cleft chin #cleft palate and lip #fuck i don't know how to tag this #please someone see this #like i swear i am trying to tag the shit out of this so that literally anyone can get me

[seikilos-stele]

At one time, I was a prolific writer, now I’m a busy commentator who flings an idea now and then when people seek me out. The one thing that did not change in either role was that I could not work on more than two projects at the same time -possibly three-otherwise, they would begin to influence each other. Perhaps I have a limited attention span.

Today, I opened my in-box to no less then ten of your potential projects, and at least four WIP.

That was today. In actuality, I believe that you have about seven WIP that have been active in the last ten days. I want to know a few things about both the ability and the methodology for managing this many projects.

First, I want to note that while all the WIP & finished projects are of the same Fandom, essentially, that is all they have in common. We have potential TV episodes, AU, OC, Angst, Hope, Illness and so forth. No easy bridges for immediate crossovers.

So what is the trick?

Do you keep each fic logged into your head so that you can pick them up at any moment? Do keep the detailed outlines close at hand, so you can review before you begin?

I can imagine that working on one fic my possibly inspire ideas for another WIP, or do all others remain outside your scope when actively writing? Do you ever conflate multiple WIP (bleed characteristics from one fic to another)

Do the 5X a character did this or that always begin as a group concept, or have you ever looked at prompts a say, “Hey! These ideas all share a them” and decide to combine them.

Finally, one of my absolute favorite collections of yours was the NighThrawn fics. At some point you broke them up up. Were they created originally to be a related collection?

I hope I’m not distracting the creative machine, too much!

Ooh!! No worries, I'm not doing anything creative at the moment 😆 I'm annoying my brother by practicing Louis Armstrong songs over his silent films. (Ain't Misbehavin'....fits really well with Sangue Bleu...somehow).

Um, let's see. I'd say that some days a fic really gets you. The long one I just wrote on Sunday, the 18K oneshot about a political prisoner coming home from the war and making friends with an "enemy" kid -- that's the sort of idea that comes at the right time, when you're in just the right mood, and you can breeze through it in just a few hours. It's like the stars align and everything goes perfect.

But most of the time I just really want to write and I like to have a full stable of ideas to choose from. Like, it's easier if you can just pull up a list, scan through it, and pick one. You can write 1K, and then when you get sick of it, you can pick a different idea and keep going. Spit out another 1K, switch ideas, do another...

I don't keep them logged in my head, I 100% forget all about them as soon as I switch to a different fic 💀 The only reason I get anything done is because Google Docs always suggests your most recent documents to you when you open it up in the morning. As soon as it stops suggesting a doc I basically forget about it forever. I definitely need the outlines to refresh my memory, and I've sometimes had to stop working on fics because I wrote my outline down in two different spots and can't find it or remember where I was going. Very bad memory for that stuff.

Hmm, as for conflating multiple WIPs, or ideas bleeding over, definitely yeah. Sometimes a seed will be planted in WIP 1, develop a little in WIP 2, get more interesting in WIP 3, and then become fully realized in WIP 4. To go back to the political prisoner fic, you've seen how that works. It's like:

What if this character was a political prisoner, and he got rescued, and then later he moved back to his hometown and met--

Oh shit BUT WHAT IF that traumatic incident I mentioned in Chapter 2 actually also involved Character B!

OOH and then what if Character A and B were both rescued by C--

Wait a second back to Idea 1, what if B and his wife were there at the end, and they--

OOH WAIT I really want to write that idea with the kid, back in his hometown, let me just--

Hey hang on a second I could totally finish Idea 1

And why have I never addressed A's abandonment issues? I'll mention that right now, in Fic #1, but I really need to add it to Idea #4 and write that as its own oneshot...

And for now, 6/7 are written, so that's not a bad record. I hope to do the last one soon. It was the same with Thrawn fics, you'd be halfway through a oneshot with a set plot when you suddenly think of a cool touch that you'd love to explore more, so you finish that fic and immediately start another one, where you go really in-depth. Or you think, "I would love it if this horrible whumpy trauma happened, but I really can't justify it with this plot. I should construct a whole DIFFERENT plot so I can write this scene!"

Hmm. I don't think I've actually done a 5 Times fic that started out as separate ficlets. I wish I did that more. It would work better. Usually, I come up with the 5 Times title and then wrack my brains trying to contrive six entirely different scenarios that are still interesting to read.

For the NightThrawn fics -- well, I got really into Thrawn/Pellaeon, but I didn't feel totally at ease with their voices and personalities. So I had a word generator spit out 30 prompts for me, and I wrote one quick and easy Thrawn/Pellaeon fic per day for a whole month. A little while later I realized how few NightThrawn fics there were, and it really upset me because NightThrawn was THE pairing for me after reading Thrawn 2017. I was totally flabbergasted that people shipped him with Eli! So I applied the same treatment, I grabbed a list of 15 random words and started writing. 15, not 30, because I had to prioritize a collab with NadiaYar. (Well, I mean, I love writing with Nadia. Any collab with her takes priority over whatever random time-waster I'm fiddling with for fun XD)

I think I originally posted them as separate ficlets -- then changed my mind and re-uploaded them as a single multichapter collection. And changed my mind again, and re-uploaded them all as separate ficlets XD Back then, too, I was always juggling WIPs. I remember the 30-day Prawn ficlets were coming out at the same time as Signal Lost // Contact Regained, so every day I was writing about 1K for Prawn and then racing to SLCR to complete my daily chapter and maintain my posting schedule. That got really frantic toward the end. I had a good head start but I ended up taking a month or two off SLCR entirely before I regained interest and wrote the ending.

OK I think that's all XD Thanks for asking, I'm really glad to see the Asker's Studio is back. It was a really bright moment for the Thrawn fandom imo and you made a lot of fic writers happy with questions like this. Your brand of insightful commentary and questioning isn't common in fandom these days -- and I'm sure it was NEVER "common", but even less so now, as fandom becomes more mainstream. So thanks again, and I can't wait to see who else you asked, and read their answers.

#my asks

[artekai]

Wow, they weren't kidding. Those nightmares can really hit you in your fears and anxieties

Vent under cut (if you read you have to promise not to judge and not to let it affect your perception of me)

I just dreamt that one of my friends texted me something along the lines of "Hey, I need to level with you. I found a romantic partner, and while this hasn't happened before, they fulfill all of my needs so let's not talk anymore" so basically just telling me they didn't need me anymore because they had a partner now so I should stop talking to them. And I know it sounds stupid and like it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things (it's certainly far from the worst I've had), but fuck has it been hard not to be afraid I'm gonna be left alone lately, and my brain just had to spell it out for me. I swear my heart physically hurt when I woke up lmfao, that's how bad it scared me.

I have to imagine it would be easier to deal with the actual, concrete, physical problems I have irl if I weren't also constantly anxious about losing everyone I care about. I'm a terrible friend so I don't see why they shouldn't get tired of me soon and move onto someone better. I know at least they deserve better. And what else do I have going for me if not my friends? They're the only reason I'm still sane. Fml.

I hate that I'm like this. I hate that it genuinely scares me to the point of making me feel physically sick. I've been getting the urge to self isolate again - granted, I've been busy and exhausted so that also makes it harder to socialize - but a part of me still can't help but feel like it would be easier to take it into my own hands, to strike first so it doesn't catch me by surprise. It's my fault that I'm afraid to lose anyone, anyway, for daring to let myself get close to them in the first place. But it always feels so good at first, doesn't it? I always get carried away by that feeling, even knowing what's inevitably coming, sooner or later.

I can't help but think I'm a horrible person for thinking that way, too. I literally come here and publicly display red flags every other day lmao. So I don't understand how my friends still think I'm worth being friends with. Why they didn't jump ship early on like the ones who did. They were right. I'm not worth the risk. I really aren't.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but there is something really wrong going on deep inside, and I really do feel it every day. No matter what I do I'm gonna end up hurting someone I really care about, either by pushing them away or pulling them in close, and I'm not sure which possibility scares me more. I should've stayed alone when I had the chance. It's not fair of me to drag others down with me - to drag really good people who don't deserve it down with me. Just because being alone was starting to hurt me. How selfish, isn't it? It was downright stupid to think I could do things right this time. I don't think I really believed it, I just wanted an excuse.

I really do hate myself a lot. I hate this is how I am, and how I feel, and how I think. I just wanna curl up and cry and forget there is a world outside of me at all. What I've really needed for a while is a shoulder to cry on. But when I try to open up to someone it feels like they jump straight to offering advice or trying to cheer me up or just get uncomfortable and change the topic, and, if they don't, I feel pressured to wrap it up quickly so as to not burden them too much. So how am I expected to open up when it feels like I'm not welcome to do so in my own terms? I'm so sick and tired of bottling shit up. I just want to let things suck sometimes. Because they suck and it's exhausting to pretend it doesn't affect me.

Sigh. I really do just need to break down in someone's arms. But really I just wanna lay down and die. Fml.

#vent #personal #negative #delete later #passively suicidal thoughts cw i guess

[dingo-saurus]

non-exhaustive list of things i need to do as a type-1 diabetic whenever i eat in order to keep my blood sugars in a healthy range (which i need to do consistently to stay alive and not need to amputate limbs or deal with organ failure later in life):

count the carbs and sugars for everything i am eating or drinking in that moment. this is obviously harder if the meal is homecooked as you need to not only work out the carbs for everything in the meal but also how much your portion would be. fortunately and unfortunately there are a number of apps that can help with this built primarily for dieting that you can take advantage of

am i taking metformin (med that reduces insulin resistance) or not? if so, normal dose. if not, slightly higher. usually only by 1 or 2 units but this varies

test my current blood glucose. even if i am wearing a glucose monitor i need to do this manually with a fingerprick test to confirm the monitor is correct (they often aren't). is it in range? normal dose. too high? a little more, depending on how much higher my blood glucose is and how much my body personally needs to correct sugars. which needs to be worked out with testing, and is subject to change. too low? have a few sips of sprite or some jelly beans while meal prepping. how much i need to bring it up into range is subject to change and something that experience with my body helps me with

okay so now we need to figure out how much insulin i need with the meal, taking all the above into account. there is a mathematical formula that helps to determine this based on your weight that i was taught by a medical professional and type 1 diabetes expert (yes the advice is different between type 1 and 2. you need someone who knows your specific type or you will get Bad Advice). this is not infallible, in fact it does not work for me at all (i sometimes need about twice the insulin i should need, due to my body's fluctuating insulin resistance). so i have had to deviate from it and work things out for myself, increasing the ratio of insulin-to-carbs until i was getting it correct. this can change based on basically Anything. have i been exerting myself today? are the specific carbs in the meal quick or slow to release? is there protein? am i sick? do i have a migraine/have recently had a migraine? did i sleep well? am i stressed about something? did i take a dose of basal insulin today (and how much)? experience will help me feel this out. i can still get it wrong even after 4 years, and need to correct it after the meal

okay, i've done the calculation and have my number. when do i give myself the insulin dose? well that depends. i need to time it so that the peak of the insulin's effectiveness hits when the meal is hitting my blood sugars. i have a couple of rapid-acting insulin brands that hit at different times, but the one i'm taking rn takes about 30 minutes. so either before or during the prep/cook time i need to duck out and do my dose, or i need to wait for a time after i take my dose to grab whatever i'm grabbing. i set an alarm for this

inject insulin (thankfully this was not difficult for me to get used to as it's MUCH easier these days than it was in the past)

eat

you are doing this 3 times a day, more if u want to snack. my body changes constantly, and requires frequent rethinking of all of the above (metformin is making this easier for me, thankfully. i had to troubleshoot and figure this out myself after 3 frustrating years)

as you can imagine, it generally means i do not eat out (most restaurants do not keep track of the carbs and sugars in their meals) and cannot eat homecooked meals unless the cook is willing to calculate exactly how many carbs and sugars are in the meal so i can figure out how much is in my serve

it takes a lot of energy, attentiveness, adaptability, determination, and perseverance to treat your diabetes effectively day-to-day and avoid damaging your body or putting your life at risk. thankfully i have the support to do that monetarily, medically, and socially. not everyone does

be kind to diabetics

#diabetes talk #and to be clear: my diagnosis came out of nowhere in my mid 20s #my immune system just decided to attack the insulin-producing cells in my body at some point and there was nothing to be done about it #type 2 works differently but is just as series type 1 is #and i don't care what you personally think about diets. it is not deserving of ridicule and never will be no matter the situation #this - like the majority of disabilities - can happen to you too

[catchyhuh]

i like your pfp

but on a similar topic, what's your favorite design of the lupgang?

My favorite is usually just all of the shin lupin manga designs, because I'm biased as hell, but i am a fan of fuma, cagli, and dead or alive's style as well!

ty!! it's kind of funny, initially i was weary of the dead or alive designs but (as evidenced by the icon) THEY KINDA GREW ON ME! i imagine the fucking cool as hell animation and ole helped too BUT ANYWAY!! DESIGNS! IM GOING TO PUT MY ANSWER UNDER A CUT TO BE POLITE

okay my favorite lupin design. this one is probably the hardest because i love a lot of different ones for different reasons. i would say it's not a stretch to say lupin has the most consistent design across everything, and that's even compared to a guy who's face is half covered 90% of the time. um this is very basic but every time i like, envision the guy in my head, i'm thinking about part 2. his angles are sharp enough to convey that he's up to no good, but he's got huge expressive eyes without being too cutesy either. if p3 lupin is laffy taffy than p2 lupin is like. silly putty. moldable but slightly more solid. i think it'd be easier if i talked about lup designs i DIDN'T like but that's negative and we're talking POSITIVES. so yes. part 2.

for jigen i mostly base it off of his eyes. i collect jigen eye peek frames like they're pokemon cards. and based on that alone i'm half tempted to say det conan vs lupin but then i thought, hey, that might just be because. jigen was the main highlight of those for me. there's many good eye peeks so i have to observe all my collected studies. and then i went through everything and decided yeah this is probably still my favorite jigen. the insanely fluffy hair combined with the twice as spiky beard probably doesn't hurt in just creating a fun design either yknow

god picking one specific fujiko is ALSO going to be difficult because they literally just invent a completely new insanely beautiful woman every time. which is kinda the point but ANYWAY there's so many and i'm thinking like OH I LIKE THAT FUJIKO but only cuz of her hair. I LIKE THAT FUJIKO but i think it's just because this dress is pretty. stuff like that. so i went through my whole excessive catalog of screenshots and i think my answer is operation return the treasure. aside from just being a nice, if standard, design, i like the way she doesn't have drawn in pupils at some points, which is very small and subtle but kind of like. a visual shorthand to tell you something is Wrong with this woman and i love that! but my final answer is. so strange. it's this figure. this figure is THE fujiko to me. the sick as hell outfit, the charm, the way her smile is equal parts standard fujiko flirtiness but also looks like she's sincerely just in a happy mood. this fujiko ROCKS

goemon's design in princess of the breeze was kinda cute, like the middle point between his old look and the p4/p5 shorter haircut, and i also LOVE fuma but that's just because it's the quintessential goemon experience. i think my FAVORITE favorite is hemingway papers. he's so pretty but still Shaped and solid. a good balance of cool and mysterious but also silly enough to get in on the fun. plus he makes this face and that kinda automatically makes him the best

ok god help me i've been talking way too much about tokyo crisis i'm not going to talk about tokyo crisis. by this point as i'm writing this i've spent multiple hours going through all of the shit i've seen and making a mental list of all the best parts of each design and i've determined you can use the same basic design thirty times but it will FEEL different based on how you let their personality come through. so. because i'm forcing myself out of tokyo crisis mode. i think episode 0 is an ehh level special (with way too muted colors i should add) with a LETS GO!!! level zenigata. look at this guy! final answer: this guy.

#sorry this took a lot longer than such a simple question should've taken #i just have a LOTTA OPINIONS ON THESE GUYS AND HOW YOU CAN CONVEY A LOT OF INFO ABT THEM JUST AT A GLANCE!! #i initially was tempted to use this to talk about my favorite outfits they've worn too but no. too different. ill keep it concise. ish. #lupinions #asks

[fizzingwizard]

Well, I bought ad-free Tumblr.

I did it because I realized what I would prefer, if I could have my way (aside from just no one needing to pay for anything at all ever hahahahaha), then we'd all pay to subscribe to tumblr and it just wouldn't be free. It'd be like $1.99 per month and all of us would pay it and have no ads and be happy and whee.

Now that's not my serious opinion. I know, for one, what happens when you stick things behind a paywall. Tumblr might not be a scientific journal or reputable news source (lol) but a paywall still divides, still excludes, and that's antithetical to the entire experience of the Internet. And then, there would still be all the other social media sites that have ads and don't make you pay out of pocket, which would sail on with everyone who can't afford or doesn't want to afford tumblr.

Everyone paying a nice, neat, cheap monthly fee or discount annual fee and getting along together is what would work best for me, but it's not realistic for everyone. But, since I'm willing to do it, I thought, why haven't I? And I'll tell you why: Because idk about the rest of you, but much of tumblr really doesn't work that well for me. I have issues with posting, especially with paragraph breaks and trying to move bits of text around. I don't like that posts I reblogged in the past are hidden forever behind "Flagged for mature content" warnings and it's like. A picture of a cat. Not to mention broken music links and videos (which I guess aren't tumblr's fault, just makes me sad). I don't like how pictures seem to always end up sized differently and you have to open it just the right way to see it how you want. Not to mention a bunch of features tumblr used to have that I loved have gone away or been massively de-emphasized: support for music players on blogs, for example. (Yes I still have one but it's a pain the neck.) Polls are nice but I miss that. I also miss convenient free themes - they're still there of course! But finding one that has everything I want (no endless scrolling, clear navigation, visible icon and description, music player, etc) is also a pain and I just end up reusing the same old one I've been using since I joined and recoloring it lol.

So I'd be happier about paying for tumblr if the experience were just a touch cleaner, faster. Oh, and not forgetting about PC users xP I know lots of people use their phone, I do too, it's convenient - but PC is just easier. Well, maybe for teens who can type on their phones at 50 mph it's no big deal. But I love love love my keyboard.

But anyway I paid it so I get a year without ads. Honestly I thought about it and $40 a year is what, ten cents a day? I really don't mind that. I wasn't really bothered by ads anymore since they've been scaled back, but now I can be bothered by them even less, so yay. OTOH, it looks like the subscription auto-renews, which I HATE. If so, I hope they send a warning email a few days before.

Oh and you know what else helped. I did a few youtube searches recently, and wanted to tear out my own hair over how frustrating it was. I just want a list of videos that relate to the subject of my search, not interspersed between "things I've seen before," "random shorts," "things that are similar," "things totally different that Youtube wants to show me anyway." And same thing on Google, Amazon, anywhere. I'm just so sick of it. So I'll fucking pay for fucking tumblr x'D Just work and not be annoying alright!!

I find it amusing that the moment I paid, I got a pop-up asking me to pay more to give ad-free to someone else. I might be more amenable when my pocketbook isn't smarting anymore 9_9

But this was funniest of all:

OK, I can't imagine ever doing it, but I suppose there's someone out there who thinks highly enough of the stuff that gets blazed to decide they want to continue seeing it even after spending $40 x'D But who is paying the fee and choosing show all ads? Please, is there anyone? I want to see a cryptid for myself.

#tumblr

[babykentthegent]

High-Five Months Old

We're rapidly approaching Kent's first half year of life as he continues to grow faster than my morning race to the espresso machine. This last month has included a couple of firsts for little Kent, as his personality continues to blossom. He's truly one of the happiest little babies I've ever known, and that fact has yet to waiver as time marches on.

Kent had his 4-month check up in September where he got a whole cocktail of vaccines, and handled it like a champ. We have a great pediatrician which certainly makes things much easier. She advised that we wait to start feeding Kent solids until ~5 1/2 months. Hard to believe we're now only weeks away from this! When you become a new parent, you get a lot of unsolicited advice from people, so our mantra continues to be "we're just following what his doctor says". It's hard to argue with that.

Rob is now less than two weeks away from going back to work. We're a bit nervous since this means we'll a) be relying on others to care for him during the day and b) have to adjust to yet another major routine change. It's been so nice having them both home, especially since I work from home. Kent will be going to a nanny 3x per week and grandma/grandpa's house 2x per week. It's going to be so quiet here when this does finally happen. This'll be a big step for all of us!

October is one of my favorite months, for several reasons. It's my birthday, for one, but also because of all the fun Fall festivities. We took Kent to his very first pumpkin patch! I think he was more intrigued with the tractor than the pumpkins, but that's neither here nor there. We had fun as a family picking out the perfect pumpkins and the weather couldn't have been any better - a sunny, crisp, Fall day!

We had planned a trip down to my hometown to visit family and decided to make a stop at one of my favorite places - the cider mill. We got to drink fresh apple cider (blackberry apple cider to be exact), ate a fresh apple fritter, and got to show Kent several farm animals including goats, sheep, chickens, guinea pigs, and peacocks. He was extremely interested in the animals, which in turn brought me so much joy. Taking him on adventures, no matter how big or small, is by far one of our favorite things in the world.

While we were on our trip, Kent rolled over for the first time! I started crying, which in hindsight is hilarious. Never did I imagine myself sobbing over something like a baby rolling over, but I was just so grateful to be there to witness one of his firsts. It's been a big worry of mine since going back to work; that I'd miss out on all of his firsts. So this was an absolutely magical birthday gift he gave me.

Visiting with family was really nice. Kent got to see his grandpa, his great-grandma (GG), and his aunt and uncle. We even stopped to see his great aunt and uncle (not pictured) so we certainly got our fill of family time. It was such a nice way to spend my birthday and Kent did so good going along for the ride.

An additional bonus to our trip was visiting one of my dearest friends for her baby shower. Kent was the only boy at the party and boy was he popular! His face says it all...he likes the ladies! All the gals were passing him around the room and he had zero complaints. He never ceases to amaze me. A few days after our trip, Kent had another first and sadly not one we looked forward to. He got sick! Considering all the people we saw, I shouldn't be terribly surprised. I suppose on one hand, it's nice knowing his immune system is kicking into gear and his white blood cells are learning how to battle infections. We knew this day would come eventually and it's been tough to say the least. Seeing him sick is so heartbreaking, but we are managing the best we can and hoping to kick it soon. I type this as I take a sip of Theraflu. Yup - mama got it, too. All things considered, we have no regrets. It was bound to happen eventually.

We are about one week away from our final social worker visit and about one month away from the adoption being finalized. We felt like this day would never come and hope to have more to report in our next month's blog. Kent is by far our biggest joy in life. Being a parent is exhausting, and certainly not all rainbows and unicorns. All that to say, we wouldn't change it for the world! Our son is loved and has such a beautiful life ahead. We can't wait to see what kind of person he grows up to be. I'm betting he'll still be full of smiles 20 years from now and that he'll be a kind, loving, empathetic human. Stay tuned for next month's blog where we'll share our Halloween costumes, some more firsts, and hopefully more news on his adoption finalization. We're enjoying the parenthood ride so far, no matter how bumpy it gets. Happy October and thanks for reading!