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#it's a fucking. grieving and longing kind of day apparently
mangalho · 4 months
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I made this dude to relax bc i read the info on drows on the dnd wiki (i dont know shit abt dnd and im not joking) and thought ‘whoever made these guys is a pervert’ i respect that, but i closed my eyes at the stupider bits of the lore…
i just dont think their society is like. Livable HAHAAH also its stupid asf to have ‘inherently evil species’… apparently they’re steering away from that shit which is great.
He was a man from a non-noble house chosen by a matron of a high house and they were surprisingly happy together for drow standards. Malaggar comes from like a mining/trading settlement, but his ventures took him to Menzoberranzan and thats how he met her. She was smitten by his general honesto demeanor and cute "provincial" accent (okay big City bitch..!)
please note that drows are kind of insane in general but apparently its worse in highly populated noble ridden cities with the strictest social rules so like. To you this was just some guy but to that woman he was so different so quirky ajahjahah
They had a good run, but eventually another matron from another high house came and said ‘i want him’ and since drow women compete like wild animals she killed his OG wife.. demolished her really
He became her bitch AND was miserable. She was happy bc he was like a pretty young thing but soon started getting violent with the guy because he was grieving his first wife whom he actually liked. He was in a rough spot bc he was getting his ass beat on the daily fr.. However his new wife was also a high drow so. He was basically elevating his family just bc he was there taking the domestic abuse (read: normal spider-worshipping drow behaviour)
The new matron was very unkind in every possible way you can imagine, but she didn’t do anything to him that would scar his body, greatest asset and all that. One day he snapped and killed his matron by way of knife and ran away to the surface world. Then he started his life of crime. Went from a little abused noble boy to some cartel mercenary dude who kills ppl and has tattoos. I think they look both really dumb but also sick as fuck, and he probably got them as a way to rebel against his upbringing in a way. But he’s edgy so i bet he thinks he looks sick like no nations no borders no self awareness being embarrassing unites all peoples
he is traumatized by women and is deeply afraid of them! I want his story to develop around becoming more normal and overcoming his grief.. hes from a long lived species so its taking him a while. Also its harder to make real friends if all your coworkers are insane criminals
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"Love"
Draco was a mess and Harry's heart couldn't take it.
"And then," Draco sniffled, tears running down his face, strands of hair slipping out of his messy bun, "he laughed at me and told me that it hadn't been 'love'," he continued, making hideous air-quotes around the word and Harry had never wanted to punch someone in the face more than he wanted to punch that prick that Draco had been seeing for the past 5 months. "Of course he'd been seeing other people," Draco said, "how could he possibly be interested in someone like me?"
“That’s not love,” Harry spat. Draco looked up at him sharply, “it’s not,” he repeated firmly. “He's such a dick, Draco. He’s not worthy of you.”
Draco let out a wet laugh-snort-sob sort of noise, “right.”
“I mean it,” Harry said desperately. “You’re so amazing,” he said softly, “kind and handsome, and clever and funny. I-” he started then broke off swallowing. It wasn’t the right time.
The other man’s body stilled, “You-?” Draco asked, tipping his head down to catch Harry’s eyes.
“I would never treat you that way,” he whispered, heart shattering inside his chest. He couldn’t stand to see the way he was treated by other men, especially when Harry loved him so much it consumed him.
“Harry-”
“I wouldn’t,” he said, eyes stinging. “You deserve so much more, Draco. All the kindness and tenderness in the world. I would love you with everything-”
“Harry,” he tried again, “I-” he shook his head. “I’m not ready-”
“No, I know,” he said. “It’s not fair to you and nothing has to change-”
“I want to be worthy of you”
“You already are,” he said.
Draco shook his head, “I’ve got to go,” he managed before standing and apparating away, leaving Harry alone in his kitchen.
———————
Harry’d spent half an hour moping around the kitchen, fighting tears while he tidied away the things he’d set out for tea. He was about to go to bed for the night, go sleep and try to sort it out in the morning, when there was a sharp wrap at the door.
He wasn’t expecting that Draco would be standing on the other side when he opened it. Draco had been letting himself into Harry's house for years at this point, he was his best friend.
"I'm sorry," he blurted at the same time as Draco.
Draco blinked, "What are you sorry for?"
"You're grieving your last relationship and I made everything harder-"
He shook his head and interrupted, "Did you mean it?"
"Yeah," Harry said helplessly, "Yeah. Every single word."
Draco leaned up and captured his lips with his, cupping Harry's cheek as he kissed him softly, achingly.
His whole body curved toward Draco's, arms wrapping him up.
"I love you too," he whispered into Harry's mouth. "And I am fucking terrified of you."
"What?" he asked, trying to wrap his head around the other man's words, when his body was still caught up in the sensations of the kiss cascading through him.
"If you leave, I won't survive it," he said, leaning his forehead against Harry's. "You're the most important person in my life, you have been for years and I can't-" he shook his head, and Harry heard his breath catch the way it did when he was trying to compose himself.
"Can't what?" he murmured, nudging Draco's nose with his own.
Draco let out the breath he'd been holding, "I can't lose you. I can lose any of those other idiots, I can keep breaking up with people and I'll be fine. But I need to know you mean it," he said, "because I won't survive it if you leave me."
"Draco," he breathed, "let me keep you," he begged. "Godric, let me keep you. I promise," he added, "I'll never leave you. I couldn't."
He could feel Draco's body trembling in his arms and he held him that much tighter.
"It's okay to be scared," he said, "it's okay if you don't believe me-"
"I want to!" Draco insisted.
He nodded, "I know," he soothed, "It's okay if you can't believe me. You know why?"
Draco shook his head.
"I'm happy to prove it to you," he said softly. "I'll prove it to you," he repeated, "every day, for as long as you'll let me. I'll always stay."
-------------
And true to his word, everyday was a new opportunity to stay.
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written for the @hdcandyheartsfest prompt 'love'
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zzombiecleo · 1 month
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what love could get this vicious?
i'm only like 2 hours late technically? whoopsie daisy! here's day 4 of yuri week! obligatory @mcyt-yuri-week, please enjoy this (or not, its not everyones thing)! check it out on ao3 as well!
fandom: life series smp characters: ldshadowlady, zombiecleo, mentioned bigb+ others ship: ldshadowlady/zombiecleo additional tags: major character death, graphic depictions of violence, alternate universe - superheroes/superpowers, superhero ldshadowlady, villain zombiecleo, emotional manipulation, manipulation, manipulative relationship, unhealthy relationships, unrequited love, murder, revenge, grief/mourning, mental instability, brutal murder, theyre both fucked up in this one!, drabble, mcyt yuri week, toxic ass fuckign yuri (affectionate), soemthing something revenge something something two graves summary: a grief-stricken hero hunts an unrepentant villian — mcyt valentines yuri week day 4: grief/revenge
LDShadowlady, superhero extraordinaire, is, according to everything Cleo knows, usually quite a nice and polite hero. Sweet, bubbly, but capable of dealing with threats easily when needed.
Unfortunately, her friend BigB never seemed to have quite perfected that skill.
Probably why it was so easy to kill him, actually.
Look, Cleo is well aware that she’s a horrible person! It’s her whole thing! She’s a villain for a reason, people! Killing someone who betrayed her the way BigB did is really not that big of a deal. She has done domestic terrorism before, murdering one random hero is not her worst crime. Yet, it seems that it’s the one that LDShadowlady has fixated on. Or, rather, the one Lizzie has fixated on.
Maybe she’s just upset about Cleo’s whole ‘tricking you into finding me sympathetic, making you fall in love with me so hard that you start spying on other heroes for me and then murdering your best friend in front of you after I got what I needed’ thing. Actually, not gonna lie, that does sound like the most likely reason Lizzie is currently on a one woman hunt for Cleo’s head. Attached or otherwise. In Cleo’s defence, what kind of hero actually falls in love with a villain. Also, the little shit deserved it. Maybe if he didn’t leave her for dead, they wouldn’t have killed him.
Joe always tells her she’s very vindictive. He also often tells them it’s one of their best traits. So, realistically, this is fine. This is fine.
Okay, so maybe the whole ‘pretending to date her’ thing was a teeny bit mean, even for them. Especially when she did it to one of the top heroes in the country. Cleo is, to be honest, screwed. Completely and utterly screwed. Apparently grieving and vengeful superheroes don’t tend to be very delicate when it comes to dealing with threats like, let’s say, a villain ranked #5 most wanted in the country. A villain like Zombie.
Cleo is standing on the roof of an apartment building, a cool night time breeze blowing her hair back, the only sounds the distant cars far below. It rained earlier so everything’s wet and they’re left to stand. She’s pondering all her life decisions, trying to figure if it was worth it. Just as she’s deciding that yes, revenge was in fact worth them being hunted by a pissed off hero, she hears a faint splash of something stepping in a puddle behind her.
Spinning around, she’s greeted by pink hair and a tear stained face. Lizzie. Fantastic. Just wonderful! Everything is fine!
“You!” Lizzie snarls, “You bloody monster!”
“I mean, I think that’s very subjective.” Cleo says, desperately wishing they actually told her friends where they were going today.
“Oh my gosh, I-” She stops and smiles, something dangerous and just a little unhinged hiding in her expression, “You know what? I really want to see you die!”
She launches herself at Cleo, not even bothering to use her little flower power to attack, going in with her bare hands. They smile and dodge. Despite the lies, fighting with Lizzie always felt like a dance. This will be fun! As long as they don’t die, obviously.
Lizzie swings wildly at them, nailing a solid punch on her jaw. Her eyes are wide with prominent bags and she doesn’t seem to be wearing her comms or the legally required camera that all heroes should have. That’s not good. But it’s fine. It’s all fine.
“I can’t believe I trusted you! You lied to me and I trusted you! I-” Cleo backs up and Lizzie slips in pursuit, grabbing their leg on her way down and dragging them along, “I bloody loved you, do you get that?! How could you?”
Lizzie climbs on top of her, keeping them on the ground and murmurs “The worst part is that I still bloody do! Because I’m stupid. And you’re beautiful. And you knew exactly what to say every time. I can’t believe I fell for you, for all your stupid lies!”
Cleo finally struggles free and throws Lizzie off of her and takes several steps back, wishing they kept comms on them.
“When you- When I saw you k-kill him, it didn’t quite hit and my first thought was about blummin’ heck, it was about helping you cover it up! You charmed that bloody badly, trained me like a blummin’ dog!” She stands, her costume dirty and wet, hands shaking, and they take some more steps back, “Can you even imagine how much I loved you? How much I still do because you know, I told you, that I hate letting go of people? You bloody monster. Did you ever even care?”
“LDShado-”
“Don’t! You know my name. I know you do, Cleo. Don’t be shy now.”
“Fine. Lizzie, then. What I figure is, I figure you’re real mad right now and- Well. You have the right to be, okay? I messed up, is what I’m saying. But I promise th-” They just wanted to buy some time, spout some of that bullshit Lizzie loves and get out. Clearly they didn’t say the right thing, not this time. No charming their way out now.
“No! No, no, no!” She lurches forward and grabs Cleo by the shoulders. “Oh no, you don’t! If you won’t say anything important. Then- Oh my gosh, then I suppose I can just cut to the chase!”
Lizzie pushes, far harder than they’ve ever felt prior and they land on the ground. Hard. Lizzie flips in her in a smooth move and grabs the back of her hair. They struggle but she won’t let go and the realisation strikes that no, everything is not fine, and that they never said bye to Joe when she left earlier and she left Scott on read and Stress was meant to drop by tomorrow and-
They realise the last thing they’ll ever see is the dirty concrete. The last voice they’ll hear is someone’s who loved them far more than they even thought of her. Will her friends even know what happened? There was so fucking much Cleo wanted to do! They wanted to tear down all this corrupt bullshit and have fun doing it! But now-
“I’m gonna avenge BigB. And myself. And my bloody heart! All in one!”
Nothing will come of any of it now, will it?
Then Lizzie pulls their head back and slams it into the concrete. And then does it again. Again. Again. Again, again, again againagainagainagain-
When the authorities arrive all that is left is a woman wailing and the unrecognisable remains of someone she thought was her forever.
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vole-mon-amour · 10 months
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Things I find super sad about canon: On top of Johnny being super depressed, constantly wasted bc of that depression and not seeing any light in life around him (except for maybe the idea of blowing up Arasaka), Kerry threatening to leave the band unless Jonny continues fucking him is an absolute cherry on top. And not only fucking, but also demanding more and more—bc to my understanding it all started with a crush, then a kiss, then with "If you don't have sex with me, I'm leaving." It was mentally exhausting for both of them, but mostly for Johnny. I find that incredibly toxic and shitty (and the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I even should accept it as canon).
On the other hand, I find "I'd do Kerry" almost... uplifting? That Johnny is already in a different mental state. He's healed a bit. He thinks more clearly and he can genuinely reflect on his life, his choices, and his desires. So the idea of Johnny fucking Kerry back in the day, but then getting a second chance in life and genuinely falling for Kerry more than ever and wanting to continue that here and now, with no bullshit and threatening? Being there for him if Kerry wants him to?
In my headcanon, Johnny absolutely does get his own body back. It would be way less complicated for everyone: Rogue (if Johnny wants to go there—even if for a brief moment), Kerry (he can decide whether he likes V, or Johnny, or both at the same time, and what he wants from either/both of them at this stage in life—especially his album and his personal struggles considered), V themselves bc really, letting Johnny having full control over the body and then drowning it with booze, smoke, fucking tons of different people is stressful just because (especially when you don't smoke). Plus, again, V being their own person is so much easier not only for Kerry but for V as well. Does V want Kerry? Does V want Johnny? Does V want both or neither? Does Kerry?
Plus, I think if Kerry x V romance is present, after V gives their body to Johnny, it might be too hard for Kerry to have any kind of relationship with Johnny in V's body. Not impossible, obviously a lot of angst there (and i had my ideas after just finishing the game, maybe I'll get back to that) and tons of explanation, talk, and despair. Maybe grieving together and slowly getting used to that. But at the same time, if Kerry is very emotionally involved and kind of getting over Johnny after such a long time, it might be just too much for Kerry.
So many thoughts and questions on this. So many possibilities.
UPD: Apparently, I'm mistaken? It was Johnny using Kerry? Gonna replay the game soon, so we'll see.
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fanvoidkeith · 2 months
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holy shit the hazbin hotel show. wow. incredible. very neat that they went for an almost-musical style because they had so much lore
BY THE WAY! this is a going to be a LONG, ramble-y, spoiler-filled post, so i'm going to put a readmore here and my thoughts on the show will be under the cut. if you don't want to be spoiled for the Hazbin Hotel Official Show TM or don't like hazbin hotel... probably don't read the rest of this post lmao
anyways. here's all my thoughts on it, pretty much. enjoy! :]
i need one of those cat creatures immediately KEESHEE IS SO CUUUTE AWWWW. oh they're called keeshee because that's the. the key. to the hazbin hotel HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THAT UNTIL I FINISHED WATCHING THE SHOW
oh fuck there's just been a huge massacre. rip. this happens every year. i guess charlie isn't really allowed to mourn or grieve for long though? which is weird because it seems like she cares the MOST about her people (demons), so she should at least be allowed to cry about it. maybe sob and wail a little bit, y'know? also be ANGRY ABOUT IT. it'll give her more oomf if she gets to be angry on screen, y'know?
there's kind of a lot of songs but besides the very first one- "a happy day in hell", i think- i like them. the first one kept moving the "camera" around too much, so it was hard to focus
i think something is deeply wrong with niffty, but assuming her connection to alastor is voluntary... yeah i can see it. they're allies (maybe friends?) for a reason
angel dust my boy
SIR PENTIOUS MY BOY!!!!!!!!
sir pentious taking a small chunk out of alastor's coat and alastor getting PISSED was cool. especially because apparently "no one's gotten this much before". damn, dude
poor charlie trying to help these people who have no idea how to accept help because she's demon-born, one of the highest-ranking people in hell, and the rarest sort of person in hell- kind
"let's do trust falls!" charlie says, as most of her little group doesn't do the exercise and niffty uses it as an excuse for her masochist tendencies
angel dust taking them to a night club is kinda funny. sir pentious probably hasn't seen ANY of this shit before. neither has charlie, probably. idk about vaggie, but she's obviously uncomfortable. and oh my god niffty WOULD love being a dom, but honestly probably not for the sex reasons. i don't see her as that kinda person lol, considering she spends most of the show talking about pain and killing bugs with a knife
charlie's mom has been missing for seven years
how is adam an angel if he's an asshole and he hates women? genuine question. of course heaven's judgemental and shit- helluva boss's angels proved that- but like, why is the guy who's basically in charge THAT much of a dipshit
wait alastor's been missing for seven years too??
COINCIDENCE: I THINK NOT. alastor and lilith connection???
valentino is a bitch, naturally. and so are his cronies. and that tv guy. "the vees" or whatever
oh is the tv dude hating alastor a reference to the song "video killed the radio star" because that'd be funny
"he tried to recruit me and now he's mad i said no :)" and y'know what, alastor? slay
"hey, how did you miss me guys?" "we didn't, but i guess you show up anyways" "..." great job alastor, disappearing for seven whole years didn't make you more famous/infamous lol
AN ANGEL EXTERMINATOR IS DEAD AND BEHEADED. WHAT. HOW
there are demons older than alastor??? i mean. damn. that's crazy bro. lol
nooo angel not everyone thinks you're a crackhead!! :(
oh gods, angel dust's trauma. oh god. oh no
ANGEL. ANTHONY. ANGEL DUST MY BOYYYYY 😭
sick ass song though, reminds me of addict (his previous song that's not in the hazbin pilot or hazbin show but is probably still canon anyways)
angel dust and husk's rivalry-turned-i-guess-you're-alright-now thing was neat AND THEY HAD A SONG TOGETHER YESSSSS THAT WAS AMAZINGGGG
WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE HUSKER WAS ONE OF THE OVERLORD HIGH RANKING DEMONS AT ONE POINT WHAT THE FUCK????????
guess we know kinda why he owes alastor "a favor" now, because he was a chronic gambler
why did vaggie get a random duet with this random lady (carmilla arms dealer woman)
okay sir pentious (my boy, i love him, he's my son) calling vaggie "vagatha" was kinda funny
are we SURE that carmilla isn't a former angel? she probably isn't, but she sure is knowledgeable of them
charlie going to heaven to try and bargain with the angels and then using The Orb to cut to the B plot was pretty smart, actually. fucking LOVED that idea. heaven is literally watching, everyone :)
angel dust protecting his friendssss aughhhhh
FUCK valentino. FUCKKKK VALENTINO I HATE HIM. i hate that his moth demon design thing is cool because if it wasn't i could fully hate him
okayyyy SO vaggie's previous backstory as a pop star who committed suicide has been retconned. alright then. they said "what will give our beloved fans the MOST heartache? i know! let's make charlie's girlfriend with an underdeveloped sense of character in this show because the pacing kinda sucks a FORMER ANGEL. A KILLER ONE. THE MURDEROUS ONES THAT WE'RE TRYING TO STOP"
girl. vaggie. it's pretty obvious now that i'm looking back that everyone knows you're an angel. EXCEPT FOR ME, APPARENTLY. BECAUSE SHE HAD A DIFFERENT BACKSTORY PREVIOUSLY. WHAT
NO ONE KNOWS HOW ANYONE GETS INTO HEAVEN?????
andnfjfgjsjdn the pacing again- i was laughing at a joke they made in the show and suddenly they cut to charlie sobbing 💀 i had to rewind to be able to process that- augh
didn't love charlie getting stressed and sad- poor charlie- but LOVED charlie telling alastor FUCK YOU. that was awesome
"oh, alastor, i know you're an ace in the hole" "i'm a what now?" rosie's telling you you're asexual, alastor
vaggie telling the hotel residents that she'd understand if they left
nooo charlie and vaggie fighting actually means something now :(
OMG CARMILLA GOT HER OWN SONG YESSSS i love it
charlie yelling "FUCK YOU, YOU OLD BITCH" at that lady in cannibal town was awesome
VAGGIE AND CHARLIE COME BACK TO THE HAZBIN RESIDENTS TRYING TO FORTIFY THE HOTEL AAAAAWWWW
charlie getting vaggie a souvenir from cannibal town and vaggie immediately tearing up because she knew charlie forgave her was cuuuute
FUCK YEAH GIRLFRIENDS KISSING!! WHOOOOOO LET'S GO GAY PEOPLE!!! I LOVE IT
*smash bros ultimate announcer voice* EVERYONE IS HERE!
except for like... most of hell lmao
at least the vee's are watching lol
THE FINAL FIGHT WAS SO COOL OH MY GODSSS
charlie's war gear being a dress that looked like an APPLE CORE LIKE HER DAD AAAAAAAAAAA
NOOOO ALASTOR!! oh he's fine actually. thanks vox for confirming that alastor's not dead lmao
aww sir pentious actually got to show his interest in cherri bomb without chickening outttt awwwww
NOOOO MY BOY SIR PENTIOUS NOOOOOOOOOO HE SACRIFICED HIMSEEEELFFFFFFFF FUCK DUDE NOOO
fun fact: i actually had to pause the show for a few seconds to put my head in my hands because NOOO SIR PENTIOUS MY SON BOY BABY BOY
FATHER'S HERE TO SAVE HIS DAUGHTERRR
i love how easily lucifer dodged adam's attacks lmao
"TASTE MY MERCY, BITCH" another iconic line from mr. duck-collector king-of-hell himself
niffty coming in and stabbing adam a bunch of times was awesome
"charlie told me to stab, so i stabbed :)" niffty. love her. weird little freak. epic
alastor coming back to the hotel ONLY after a breakdown and being like "i'm fine now guys :)" is... uncannily relatable LMAO
"ugh, this guy" lucifer. he nearly died, calm down with the sass for a second, sir
"i will never understand your taste" me neither, alastor. i don't think anyone quite understands niffty
the news describing it as "lucifer's pathetic daughter saved by her daddy" makes sense but. jeez what an asshole way to put it. she's an adult! and the PRINCESS OF HELL no less!!
AAAAAAAAAA MY BOY SIR PENTIOUSSSSSSSS AUGH
"uhhh.... where am i?"
emily's face being ":D!!" and sera's face being like. horrified. was amazing
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kimmimaru · 7 months
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So, probably a bit TMI (mentions of mental health) for random internet strangers but oh well. I'm sticking it under a cut for people who don't care lol.
So, I've been having a...difficult time lately. I'll keep it simple and just say I'm struggling pretty bad with personal shit. Anyway, I was considering looking into counselling but the NHS no longer fund talking therapy, it's only CBT and stuff which is helpful but not what I need. So I'd have to pay through the nose. And even if I could afford it I've only been able to find 1 single person in my entire town who specialises in treating autistic people. There may be more but honestly I have no idea where to even begin looking. Also like there's loads of groups for older people and people with toddlers but nothing for parents of older kids, groups for the parents I mean. I struggle very badly with making friends and talking to people, I'm awkward as fuck and have no idea how to socialise. Unfortunately I'm not a child so don't have anywhere to go to meet people like me. It's hard to make friends when neurotypicals have an instinctual dislike of autistic people (ok not everyone but apparently they can identify people as 'weird' without even speaking to them and generally tend to avoid us). Sorry, I did say this was probably TMI, but I'm just so fucking lonely and so stressed I'm having heart palpitations. I'm not sleeping either and unfortunately I don't have anyone to actually talk to about it so this is why I'm posting this here. Its at least just getting it all off my chest, even if it's not a long term solution maybe it'll be enough to actually help me get some sleep tonight. My mum was the person I talked to about all this shit, the only one I felt I could actually confide in and she's gone. I have family but they're busy with their own lives and tbh...I never felt like they ever really got me. My dad's a very closed off man, not in a cold way, he was always affectionate but he and my mum got divorced a long time ago and since then I've never felt able to talk to him about deep stuff. I suppose it's something to do with broken trust and all that crap. My sisters are way too busy and have their own problems and lives and my only brother is a lot older than me and far away. They all love me and care about me, I have never doubted it but none of them are neurodivergent. They don't understand me really and never have (that's not a self pitying 'oh woe is me' it's just a fact). It's a very weird feeling to be surrounded by people who love you but knowing they just don't get you. I am extremely aware that people would kill to have what I do, a big, loving family and they try really hard to understand and help but sometimes you just need more weirdos like you who see the world the same way and have the same kind of issues you do. What I want is a day. Just one single fucking day where I can just do what I need to do around the house without just staring at it for hours before I work up the spoons to do it. I want one day where I can actually do something creative as I've lost my drive (probably temporary, depression usually has the opposite affect on me and I write MORE when I'm depressed for some reason). I want to play with my daughter without constantly worrying about if she'll eat something other than junk food (she's an extremely picky eater), or is she'll take a bath without a fight or if she'll actually drink something for a change (yes, we are in contact with doctors about all this, it's just an extremely slow process). I want to wake up and not be exhausted for a change, I want to not be in constant pain for no fucking reason (chronic fatigue...yay). I want to not spend my days unable to focus on anything, to not be constantly disassociating because my stupid brain can't cope with too much sensory input. I am exhausted, I'm grieving and I just want to be normal for a fucking change. Anyway, it's all a lot more complicated than what I've written and it's very unlikely this makes any sense at all. But I needed to write it down, to tell someone, somewhere just so I can stop obsessing over all these thoughts. Maybe now I can sleep.
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saebeau · 4 months
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Hey guys. I'm back!
(Please, if you find any errors in the writing, I'm sorry, English is not my first language, I'm still learning and I'm definitely not going to go through Google Tanslate because GT is shit that I don't trust.)
So, we come to the end. I am so saaaaad. Well, my last post about Perfect Marriage Revenge got a lot of likes and reposts, so first off, thank you very much, I'm really surprised it was somewhat popular!
Then, as expected, some people asked me to do another post with more backstory and canon facts from the novel and webtoon.
So here I am. This will be long, be ready.
To differentiate from the previous one, in this post I will add the backstory, trivia and facts of all the main leads like some of the ones highlighted in some eps. Of course, i am also giving my very personal opinions.
!!!SPOILERS AHEAD!!!
1 - Yi Joo.
• She was adopted by Mr. Han FIRST WIFE. Yes, before marrying Jung Hye he had an official wife chosen by his family. Somehow this lady found out about Yi Joo and brought her home and this lady treats her well. Mrs. Han also knew about Mr. Han's affair with Jung Hye.
• Yi Joo for almost 15 years believed that Mrs. Han was the one who poisoned her with the macaron, but still grieved her death. The reason: she had memory loss! And in the “broken” glimpses she had she saw the “mother’s” figure appearing above that of Jung Hye who was in her house at that moment.
• She was a very lonely person throughout her life (+ in Yoo Ra's post), so her personality diverges from the drama. Novel|Webtoon she has a more serious, direct and insightful approach to people, she is kind and generous (much more confident!), but not as “naive” as in the drama. I can tell she is antisocial. She also didn't like being touched. Growing up, Yi Joo knew Jung Hye and Yoo Ra's true side very well and stayed away as much as possible (her marriage was a pass for that), she tried to at least stay close to her father, but he's an idiot, So, yes, no.
• Regarding her death, explaining the accident itself went like this: Yi Joo was hit by Do Guk's car, and Do Guk's car was hit by none other than Secretary Kim Jae Won's car right on the driver's side! YES! All of them at the same time, like, what the fuck!?
• EXTRA • I already explained a little about her relationship with Se Hyeok so just to be sure: Yi Joo wanted a family, a real family and Se Hyeok was chosen, obviously (he was her closest friend and now her husband) she I trusted and cared for him (apparently, him too), so it was perfect. But Yi Joo just wasn't ready to have any involvement like that (with anyone), she had a lot of trauma to deal with before starting any plan, she didn't have any feelings for him, never had, never expected but a couple hopes to have a child one day, so Yi Joo was taking her time, even with her mother-in-law being shitty. (+ in the Se Hyeok Family post.)
2 - Do Guk.
• In the novel | webtoon he is much more playful and funny. He is also good at seducing (Exclusive Yi Joo), even though he has “castrated” and “monk” as his nicknames. The women in his office are always trying to get his attention because he is super kind but still very difficult to approach. Do Guks is absolutely a pleaser for Yi Joo, he compliments and hype her up any time, anywhere, making Yi Joo very flustered.
• He is very traumatized by the accident with his brother Jung Wook, it was more detailed in the novel/webtoon; the two obviously had a fight, Jung Wook hurt his leg on the edge of the ship and fell but Do Guk also fell and almost died too! But his father, (that idiot) cared more about the boy who no longer had his mother instead of just taking care of both of them equally, so this only made Jung Wook more confident with his lame excuses and Do Guk more distant from his family , especially his father, since almost everyone thought he pushed Jung Wook, leaving him permanently disabled.
• Do Guk has a closer relationship with his sister than the drama lets on. She is always supporting him and giving him encouragement whenever he needs it. They're always joking or fighting with each other and at the same time they can have really deep conversations, like, super brother energy. After he marries Yi Joo, it seems they become even closer.
• I love how much he is like his mother in many ways: they are both very honest, understanding, never judge and fully embrace a person in need. He also has her smart and cunning side! He loves his family, that's clear, but he just can't stand the fact that no one believed in him and that's a thorn in his heart. Tru, in the middle of the novel, he starts to have more contact with his parents because of Yi Joo's family mess, they get closer and develop a better relationship after putting their cards on the table, especially because Jung Wook is with more and more reckless and Mr. Seo is "getting it" now.
• EXTRA • Many of you are curious to know how Do Guk met Yi Joo before the accident and was already in love at the time. Well, in the Novel, he was at a business party when he went out to the balcony to get some fresh air, and there was Yi Joo, in a beautiful white dress crying silently to herself. Yup, love at first sight. Very Do Guk thing.
3 - Yi Joo | Do Guk as a couple.
• Much of their relationship is portrayed very well in the drama. But I'm still sad because they took a lot out of the final script. They have many scenes, including some "steamy" ones that would make your screens shake!
• We absolutely know that they did the “deed” a lot. With Yi Joo initiating some of them on the novel. Speaking of intimacy, I understand that some of you were not satisfied with the reasons that led you to the first time, but personally, I like the meaning it has; Neither Yi Joo nor Do Guk knew how to fully express their feelings that time. It was too much for both of them. But one thing they knew is that Do Guk loves her and she is heartbroken and they wanted to make that clear, ease their feelings and comfort each other. In the Webtoon/Novel it is more romantic, more fluid and happened at the moment of realization and acceptance of Yi Joo's feelings for Do Guk.
• Do Guk and Yi Joo have great harmony, they embrace each other's desires, feelings and flaws so much that it makes every person around them "see" how much they love each other. This becomes clearer if you read the novel. Through their plans, they are very reassuring, supportive and loving at the same time as they carry many hesitations and fears for each other's lives, even more so after discovering that they both went back in time and she became pregnant.
• EXTRA • Do Guk proposes to Yi Joo again after they slept together and confess their feelings for each other some time later. He takes her to an amusement park, even though her fear increases a little. In the afternoon, when they are leaving, he stops her and confesses again and offers her a new ring and asks for her hand again. This represents their true beginning, now together. +EXTRA • THEY HAVE TWIN SONS AND A DAUGHTER. ♡♡♡
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4 – Jung Hye (stepmother)
• She's a bitch. She is greedy, nasty and a liar. To be honest, there isn't much to say about her. Do you see the drama? She's almost the same. Starting with the comparisons, in the Webtoon / Novel she is not as elegant, to say the opposite, she is much more theatrical, she has a very expressive face but easily loses her composure when her mask is being ripped off.
• On Webtoon | In the novel (drama too) Jung Hye makes her presence felt by being a calculating person, she is manipulative and is very good at leading people the way she wants. One of the differences in the drama is that Jung Hye always knew that Yi Joo was the biological daughter, but never thought that Yi Joo would find out, especially after years of torture and psychological abuse, repeatedly remembering the fact that she is a stranger and no one would never be by her side. Mr. Han's constant alienation to his daughter's situation was all Jung Hye needed.
• All her life she lied and stole from men for her own gains and destroyed their lives. I don't believe Jung Hye has that backstory, she's just sadistic and selfish. I also don't believe they will put Jung Hye's past cruelties on screen, and I believe, she has done some bad things. One of them is related to Secretary Kim, so be prepared for that. (+ at secretary Kim Post)
• EXTRA • I could feign some merit for her character if she had any, but she's the villain; that's what she was made for, being evil and cruel in particular, she herself has no reasonable "reason" for being that way. She might have had a difficult childhood, neglectful parents or abuse and things like that, but none of that "explains" the things she did to Yi Joo.
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5 - Yoo Ra
• So, this bish right here. How can i explain this pathetic spoiled nasty girl?! Yoo Ra is selfish and jealous, we know that many of it was lead after many years of her mother manupulation, (you can see on the last episodes) that's f*cked up and sad at the same time. She's being raised by the evil itself and this evil is her mother, the only person caring for her. It is hard to explain. Yoo Ra's personality was constructed to be best by any meaning, with the same finality, being better than Yi Joo and overtrow her.
• In the Webtoon | Novel she is way more cinic, her feigh innocence give me chills too. She's always wants to shine brighter, to have the best and take things that she thinks it belongs to her by any way, and this is a great reflection from her mother. She's always trying to make people pity her, thinking she's a angel (in special her dad) so people around are always focusing on the "most apparent" reason (she plays a lot with her words), her jealous and envious adoptive sister. She brings hell to Yi Joo. Oh, the way she plays the victim all the time, god, my nerves.
• In middle school, highschool and college too, Yoo Ra always carefully made people go against Yi Joo, making ger suffer a lot with bullying from Yoo Ra's friends. One in special is in the drama, the employee that gave food to Do Guk! That girl was a very close friend to Yoo Ra in high school, the girl didn't know but she was basically doing the dirty job for Yoo Ra: sending people to vandalize and destroy Yi Joo table and books, shoving and tripping her around the hallways, isolating, insulting and even putting threatning mensagens in Yi Joo's locker.
• Too bad for her that Yi Joo still met Soo Jin, Do Guks cousin that suffered bullying too (Yoo Ra didn't know that she belonged to the Seo family) because that helped a lot on the future when Soo Jin told her family about her being bullied because Yoo Ra was in the middle of it, so it's a important part in the novel.
• So about her ending, she deserved everything. Se Hyeok and his sister were nothing to her, just a pawn to hurt Yi Joo. But Yoo Ra was still carrying his child and Se Hyeok's family had to accept her because everybody knew the baby was his and if they didn't do it their "reputation" would be ruined. So basically Yi Joo life was now hers, but worse; she almost send her sister in law to jail, tarnished her mother in law image and broke Se Hyeok heart in the worst way possible add the fact the she basicaly ruined them financially. In the Webtoon | Novel, they had to sold the house and all luxury things to live. Yoo Ra was a mother at home, cleaning, cooking, washing and suffering with both mother and sister constant resentment and anger and Se Hyeok negligence.
• EXTRA • Her final scene is were she meet her mother at jail, she's says that she won't be visiting anymore and carry on with her life, she's sounds somewhat regretful and depressive for everything, but, at the same time, frustrated and angry with her situation and with her mother. But in the drama, GURL! Freezing shoulder, insults, bad atittude. DANG WOMAN! (*Insane clapping*)
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6 - Mr. Han.
• Ugly ass, hate him, like, go to hell. Like literally, couldn't he hold thay d*ck on his pants a little bit?! For this i'm gonna make it short. I could keep talkind about his severe neglicence with Yi Joo, angry bursts and really evil words towards but this would just stress me out. As i said, i hate him, f*ck him.
• He met Yi Joo's mother when he was really young, but little time later abandoned her not knowing she was pregnant to marry his first wife. He started his affair with Jung Hye little time later, who was pretending to he his wife's friend. He tried to reach out with Yi Joo's mother but only knew about the fire and the deaths so he left this memory behind. He wasn't a good son too, never even remembering he had a sick dad. Aparently this family blood makes men turn into idiots.
• I don't really know how easily he was manipulated by Jung Hye, but his end was just deserving by how shitty of a person he was most of his life. Jung Hye poisoned him with a lot of pills for years, making him sick all the time, one day he tries to go down the stair, but fall, having a fracture and losing his legs movements, biding him to a weelchair. As fragile as he was, Yi Joo still drops the bomb the she is his daughter, that Jung Hye knew and now she was taking the family business. He keeps in denial for a long time until he sees his wife true face.
• He ends up alone, passing his years constantly helping Yoo Ra with money, still pitting on her, and being treated as nothing because he has nothing to offer anymore.
• EXTRA • About his ending on the drama, and the talk with Yi Joo's mother, i still hate it, he deserved worse. He's even in "good terms" with Yi Joo too! He was pathetic and coward. It was a considerably neutral ending for him, i can live with that but won't ever accept it.
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7 - Seo Family
• Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference, put it in a blender, shit on it, vomit on it, eat it, give birth to it. (thank u icon Lady Gaga)
• Despite his dad being a bit stupid, this family is what i truly desire in in-laws. They're suportive, kind, empathetic and the best of the best. In the Novel | Webtoon, there all more playfull, Mrs. Cha is who i love the most, she recognize Yi Joo the first time they meet but hides it. Mr. Han takes more time but tru the novel he just becames kinder and kinder.
• Do-Na and Jae Ho are super cute, they have a lot of scenes together in the Novel | Webtoon. They're lovely, Jae Ho being Do Guks best friend and brother in-law is such a mood. I would absolutely love a spin-off about their story. We love a good spin-off.
• Soo-Jin got a man too! We love a great best friend having a happy end. Love this girl.
• EXTRA • They go crazy when Yi Joo gets pregnant. Shes makes a anouncement to the family and they flip off after seeing the ultrasound showing the twins. It is so worthing seeing on the webtoon.
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8 - Jae Wook
• He is way more evil. Egoist. Liar. Thief. Loves to do psycological terror on his family. Literally pretending to be disabled for almost two decades like, THE HELL?! For him i'm going to list his crimes.
• Theft. Embellzement. Murder. Atempt of murder. Many atempts to kill Do Guk + poisoned Yi Joo on a restorant while trying to corner her and puts her on a hospital bed. Paid someone to PUSH YI JOO OUT OF BOAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA just to make Do Guk more traumatized because the poor guy jumped to save her. This is mind blowing. Both in the drama and Novel | Webtoon the bomb in the car is there and its TENSE!
• Look, this guy has absolutely abandoment issues but if he wanted to kill somebody, this person is his dad not his brother. Like, all his life he believed that was his dad that kicked his mother to the curb and separated her from him, so he planned and planned just to end up in jail, where his discover that his mother was the one who abandoned him by her own will to be with another man. THE CLOWN!
• EXTRA • His initial plan was to seduce Yi Joo. *trow up*.
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9 - Se Hyeok.
• Fake b*tch. LOSER! I already explained everything about him on the other post. I won't waste time with this idiot. He never truly apologized to Yi Joo, i don't think he regreted much of it too. He passed the rest of his life with Yoo Ra, between hate and love, and with his bloodsucker family.
• F*ck him. Their last scene on the drama was perfect.
•Byyye.
• EXTRA • The way he got back with Yoo Ra was WAS AMAZING! I adore that they kept the original (almost) scene of him presenting his future fiance & family (a very rich one by the way) to to Jae Sook and Se-Hee and BANG! Yoo Ra's at the door claiming that she's going to live with them (she's got nowhere else to go) because she was with his child. LIKE?! In the novel, the hell breaks and she almost get physical with his mother, sister and fiance! The end.
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10 - Se Hyeok's Family.
• His mother (Jae Sook) and sister (Se-Hee) were both greedy and mean people, always pressuring Yi Joo with money and luxury things. Yi Joo basically sustained the house were she was treated as maid but it was never enough for them (with Se Hyeok giving his back for the situation they were always bold).
• They made Yi Joo cook, clean and taking care both of the house and her own job without a moment of peace. Jae Sook was the worst one, she wanted a grandchild at any way just to have more rights about Yi Joo's heiritance, torturing poor Yi Joo about it and even making medical apointments to see why she wasn't still pregnant, not knowing that Yi Joo never even kissed Se Hyeok in her life.
• Se-Hee was the usual spoiled brat that never takes a "no" for a answer, ya'll see in the drama how bad she treats even her own brother. I think it was a great lesson for her almost going to jail about her posts on the internet about Yi Joo, she almost got crazy and i loved every second of it. In the Webtoon, she looks way more paranoic after discovering what time of person Yoo Ra was.
• EXTRA • KARMA GOT Y'ALL! XOXO!
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11 - Secretary Kim Jae Won
• In the novel, he was adopted by his dad and was very loved. Some time later Mr. Kim met Jung Hye, married and aparently had a happy life (i don't know if Yoo Ra was already on the page that time). Then gradually his dad got sick and sick, getting worse to find his end binded in a bed and, even as a small kid, Jae Won suspected of his "mother".  (I think she used some "pills" again?)
• His dad was a famous painter and had a great fortune so we can get why Jung Hye "popped out" since she was already on the market of falsifications.
• His dad died when he was pre-teens, Jung Hye got a way to have all the money and soon pushed him to the fartest orphanage. He held grudges all his life because he had this feeling that Jung Hye did all. Well, he came with a very brilliant revenge i dare say.
• EXTRA • He was way more charming on the Novel | Webtoon and had more personality (i don't know why they just made him almost a "blank paper", such a turn off). He was more active too in the plans.
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12 - Jamie / Yi Joo's bio mother
• So, this woman suffered, i surelly could describe her suffering but i think y'all saw the drama, but the Webtoon | Novel made me tearful, truly. Mr. Han was bullshit. Her dad was bullshit. The Jung Hye comes and there's more sociopath bullshit to put fire on her house with a baby inside. Like, this woman did everything to survive alone after Mr. Han left her to get married to a rich family and still had to get almost killed by one of his lovers.
• As you know she discovered it all, and of course, revenge. I pity her because when Yi Joo found out about her it wasn't that calm as in the drama, Yi Joo even denies her existence. I can understand Yi Joo side because tecnically her mom watched her being abused, it was a misuderstanding, but she felt abandoned again and wasn't open to receive this affection now.
• A thing that i missed was her encounter with Jung Hye and THAT SCENE OHMYGOD WHYDIDTHEYLEFTITOUT!!!. You all remember that Jung Hye needed the votes to be the president, right?! So she called to the unknow 5% shareholder to meet AND WHO'S THERE?! Yes, the mama. Jung Hye don't recognize at first but Jamie just spilled the tea to her and she's f*cked. OH Jung Hye face was ahhhh?!!! I love the Webtoon.
• EXTRA • The webtoon it's on the final chapters but Yi Joo and Jamie reconcilied and doing well, of course, WITHOUT MR. HAN on their lives because that's what he deserves!
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•••• SO MY FINAL THOUGHTS ARE...••••
I LOVE THE ENDING, THE FAMILY, THE BABY, GIRL, THE PAINTING, SE HYEOK AND YOO RA HATING EACH OTHER, JUNG HYE ON JAIL! That's everything i wanted, like, they left things that i loved out but still maintened the main plot and did really well. I would like to thank all the actors and actresses that put all their effort in this drama and made it perfect.
PERFECT MARRIAGE REVENGE  <3 <3 <3 <3.
Thank you all the came here. Have a great night. Byyyeee.
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liloinkoink · 1 year
Note
hey if you need an excuse to talk more about the movie 6 treebark au, consider this that. i'd love to hear more >:D
of course of course thank you for enabling me. hey guys here’s the fucking directors cut of this fic i posted two hours ago
this is going to be long and all over the place we’re just going to have to live with that. i just thought about this so much
here’s some details abt the fic vs the actual movie (and movie stuff i couldn’t include), details from alternate plot for this au, and some little details i want to call attention to with actual content and word/formatting choices
so, first of all, this is based off my favorite One Piece movie. the villain is a former pirate captain who lost his entire crew in a shipwreck 20 years prior, and now sustains plantlike doubles/fakes through luring other pirate crews to his island and feeding the crews to the Lily Carnation. the movie’s ambiguous on a lot of stuff, such as how exactly she works, or if the crew is aware they’re not real or if they know of what their captain is doing (though it seems no). the captain, known simply as the Baron, takes a special glee in leaving only the captain of each crew alive, so that they too can understand the despair of being “completely alone in the vast [ocean]” before asking them if they’d like to die. every single captain, apparently, says yes
i obviously didn’t go with that route, tho i do have an outline for if i went for the true movie plot. if i did, i’d have approached this differently, though there are pieces of that version in this one—the tall crown to hide the sprout on Ren’s head and Martyn’s magic flowers in his hair were meant to mislead anyone who might know the movie to assume the Baron’s stand-in is Ren, as Ren is the leader/‘captain,’ rather than Martyn
i picked Martyn for the Baron instead of Ren because, honestly, i wasn’t sure if Ren would have the stomach for killing so many innocents to bring his kingdom back. Ren has bloodlust, sure, especially on red, but he tends to have a strong moral backing about it. especially in third life. Martyn is… not always so ethically rigid
all the actual movie plot aside, for this i went more for the days after ‘revival,’ from the pov of one of the ‘revived’—which reminds me, actually!
my personal favorite fact abt this fic is Ren isn’t actually in it. the only third life character actually in this is martyn. ren is dead. the character called Ren in this is a double. he’s not real. he doesn’t know that, but he’s literally just a plant. like, legit—once the baron is beat in the movie, his entire crew turns into human-height saplings. they’re fake. ship of theseus’d rendog.
…my dumbest/funniest minor detail i used to imply the fact this isn’t ren: the lilies in Martyn’s hair don’t bother Ren despite the fact he mentions them being toxic to dogs / he’s “allergic” to lilies bc he’s not a dog anymore. he’s a plant
anyway/related, we don’t know much about the Baron’s OG crew, but the fakes seem to be pretty accurate. they help the Baron play games that separate visiting crews, and while they can be tricky or underhanded, they’re not outright evil the way the Baron is. they’re pirates, so they’re not kind, but i don’t get the impression they’re, like, supernaturally evil under the Lily’s influence. they also have a genuine love for the Baron, which he returns, however twisted it’s become. they go with whatever scheme the Baron concocts to defeat the pirates who arrive here bc they’re deeply loyal to him, but there’s none of his sadism. they’re also not involved in the direct killing/feeding, and i sort of get the impression the Baron doesn’t tell them about it, but that’s a bit headcanon territory
all this to say: while this isn’t Ren, the Lily hasn’t changed him. he’s preserved exactly as the original was.
this is, relatedly, the reason Martyn’s little magical mood flowers never change from the white lilies—it’s got nothing to do with the Lily at all. he’s grieving, his king/partner is dead, and he’s not addressing it. he’s constantly looking at ‘Ren’ and seeing what he knows he’s lost. this whole fic Martyn is refusing to address or process or heal from his grief, and thus, the funerary flowers stay
speaking of Martyn’s lilies, i want everyone to know the Lily Carnation looks like this:
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she’s not even a lily. she’s adorable. she’s got a little bib for eating people. i love her
(she also has two other forms which i will lightly call ‘kind of uncanny’ and ‘deeply disgusting’ but we won’t worry about those, esp bc there was no way to easily fit either in this fic) (more on that in a minute tho)
related, if you noticed, i did specify that Martyn, in the Ren ‘revival’ scene, had not only white lilies, but yellow and red lilies as well to match her! also bc yellow and red lilies mean loyalty/new beginnings and love/passion, respectively (if i remember right), which was fun.
there’s also a few more little details that you might notice if you know the movie which i had a lot of fun including but couldn’t bring up.
the simplest is the big “life after life after life” paragraph is a loose reference to the really repetitive first line of the movie, the Baron’s call for “if you are a pirate among pirates among pirates amount pirates…” as a way to ask for the best of the best to come take on his island challenges (and be torn apart).
it also visually mimics (and, i hope, emotionally evokes) one of my favroite visuals of the movie, the reveal of the Dozens of graves hidden on the island. which is a fact i didn’t even notice till Haunted pointed it out lmfao. couldn’t find an image of that online, but here’s two screenshots of a scene taking place in and showing a very small section of the graveyard
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(we don’t get to know if these graves are for the crew or the baron’s victims, though considering how large it spans in every direction from this point, i would imagine the latter. which is… as fascinating as it is horrifying. who is making them? the baron? why? i love this graveyard)
another example: the fakes can’t directly think about the fact they’re dead or else they start to wither rapidly. like, within seconds they dry out and collapse if made to think about their death by an outside force (and can only be brought back to full health by the Lily being fed). i couldn’t have Ren do this on screen in a scene in his own POV, so i compromised by having him start feeling sick if he poked at that particular mental wound too much. Martyn can tell he’s dwelling on it bc he starts literally wilting and steers him away
(the crew members don’t have death wounds in the movie but i think they’re cool so. now they have them)
it didn’t get to come up at all, but the Lily on Martyn’s shoulder isn’t her main body, and the actual thing is this… massive black tube with a flat face. (gonna include some images, so and i’m gonna say maybe? trypo warning for the second image)
here’s the Actual Lily from far away and an image of a few people stuck in her… mouth? people drop on the face and are absorbed alive. just so you can get a sense of how big she is and what she does
or, here’s the Lily form i called “kind of uncanny”
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unauthorized fucking thing.
didn’t have any way to include that in Ren pov tho, uh, this is what happens to everyone Martyn leads away. i was going to have something about Martyn disappearing to some barren hill off to the side of the island on occasion, to go to the Lily’s true body, but i thought it would be too confusing to add this without explaining why it was there. sometimes you have to cut accuracy for coherency, it happens. besides, it’s not like the Lily can’t eat from her little body… but for that, i’ll just. say that the little bits of body horror i included were on par for the movie
hmm. one last thing i want known if my favorite line of the fic was this:
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this was originally written to go in the first scene, but i moved it to the last one to delay immediate blame on Martyn (lingering desire from the ‘full movie’ plan). the Hand severed from his heart was threefold—Martyn loses the person he loves most, yes, but a literal hand cannot function or exist if the heart of its body is destroyed. also, Martyn loses his heart in that he loses the part of him that would care what he’s doing is wrong
also, the second to last paragraph:
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the ‘terrible terrible thing’ is a Ren quote from the execution, in which he tells Martyn he’s going to ask him to do ‘a terrible terrible thing.’ so obviously i had to twist his words here for something he would never ask of Martyn
my final note about this fic is The Real Actual Person Martyn keeps up with One Piece, and he’s tweeted abt watching other One Piece movies, which means there’s a nonzero chance this man could read this and understand it, which horrifies me
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clotpolesonly · 1 year
Note
For the fic writer commentary:
Laura hated it. She hated how powerless she felt in the face of that impassivity. She wanted to rage and be raged at. She wanted to feel bone breaking under her hands. She wanted Noshiko to give her something.
What she got wasn’t planned. It was late at night, far later than usual, but it had been a bad day for Derek and Laura had fled. Holing up in the gym to avoid her shell of a brother was cowardly and she knew it, but beating her fists bloody against a rowan-filled punching bag was less painful than hearing her brother gasp through his fourth panic attack of the day, so here she was. The banshee was hosing down the boxing ring as the last of the day’s patrons limped out the door. She eyed Laura warily but didn’t tell her to leave.
Laura had almost worn herself out when Noshiko had appeared beside her.
“If you leave those fingers broken for too long, they’ll heal that way,” she warned, as if Laura didn’t know. As if she cared.
Laura kept punching. She didn’t mind the pain. One, two, three hits until the heavy chain holding the bag broke and it went skidding across the floor.
Noshiko didn’t flinch. She never did, even in the ring when Laura came at her with a roar that had sent seasoned hunters running. She watched, idly unwinding the wraps from around her wrist. Her knuckles were scraped and red, her bare shoulders and stomach sheened with sweat. Her expression revealed nothing of her thoughts.
“Are you looking for a fight?” Laura asked, itching for it. Itching for the chance to get the woman on her back. To get the upper hand, just once.
“I don’t need to fight,” Noshiko said. “Not the way you do.”
“You don’t know what I need,” Laura snapped back, fists curling.
“I know better than you might think.”
oh this is actually one of my favorites of all my rare-pair oneshots!! i accidentally talked myself into shipping this, like, for real for real, lol
Laura is a character that is so often used as a foil for Derek in the sense that she has to be the well-adjusted one, to contrast how Derek is falling apart, but i neeeeeeded fic where Laura is fucked up too!!!! she went through the same trauma that Derek did, but she has eldest daughter syndrome on top of it, having to repress her own emotional response for the sake of taking care of her brother.
in this fic, she is just so so so angry, and there's nowhere good for it to go. she can't let it out at the person who burned her family, she can't let it out at Derek because he's fragile, she can't let it out at the family that left her behind because they're gone, but she can take it out in the ring. she can vent it at strangers. she can turn it on this woman who is so fucking immune to it that it makes her want to scream even louder.
the intersection between messy-broken-angry characters and quiet-self contained-still-broken-but-maybe-half-healed characters is a fascinating one to me. the latter is so much harder to spot. Noshiko has a kind of poise to her that means no one would ever guess she's got a core of deep pain and loss. Laura certainly doesn't see it, because it doesn't look the same way hers does. how can anyone grieve without burning down? it's a lesson she needs to learn.
meanwhile, Noshiko can look at Laura and see herself a hundred griefs ago. the way she had raged in her first human lifetime. it's a pain she recognizes and she connects in a way that she doesn't usually do with humans anymore. she knows better than to get attached to every human she comes across -- a hundred griefs, one for each -- but this is an empathy she can't ignore, and she learned a long time ago that it really is better to have loved and lost in the end.
it's just a relationship dynamic that i really invest in every time i come across it.
(also apparently underground boxing rings are just one of my bulletproof tropes, i will never not go a little feral over underground boxing rings)
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send me snippets of my fics for DVD commentary!!
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noonmutter · 2 years
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Hellraisers
DWC August 2022 Day 1: Silver/Darkness
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(The title is pure self-indulgence. I refuse to apologize. The Painsmith is the only character in WoW I feel deserves the Barker treatment, and I hope I did both justice. Enjoy!)
Everything was tarnished. Pitted. Rusted. Stained. Dented. No matter where he looked, Terry found not just imperfections but signs of neglect, worsened by time. Evidence that whoever cared for this place didn't care for it very much, if at all. It was probably intentional; a caretaker who didn't even tend to the building probably wasn't going to tend to you, prisoner that you are. Your cell barely mattered, so you didn't matter. Therefore, you should give up.
Except... he didn't know what giving up was, here. He hadn't been given an ultimatum; nobody had made threats; no one had taunted him with something he wanted in order to tempt him to beg. No one had given him something to chase, nor something to resist. It was the same thing, over and over: wake up, be fed, be released into the maze, suffer through the maze, escape the maze, be thrown back in the cage, be fed, pass out. If he hadn't fallen asleep from exhaustion each time, he would have had no way to tell how long it'd been.
He still didn't know, because he'd lost count, and the lighting in this hellish place never changed. The guards didn't swap shifts; they weren't even people, as far as he could tell. They were suits of armor, and sometimes they spoke (though, of course, not to him), but there was nothing inside them. Nothing to cajole, nothing to taunt, nothing to insult, nothing to fight. They were barely more than decor, just as battered and wrecked as the prison they guarded.
There was no warning, no change in the stagnant air, no sudden hustle and bustle. Suddenly, sickly blue light poured into his cell, and two guards were flanking a different suit of armor that seemed to drift across the floor due to the robes it wore beneath its heavy plate. Its helmet was like a crown, semi-circular and anointed in spikes--everything here was anointed with spikes, it was worse than fucking Orgrimmar--but just like all the others, its faceplate was a skull. Unlike the others, when he asked what they wanted, this one answered him.
He wouldn't call what it spoke with a voice, more like a hiss, a reverb that shaped itself into words and slithered across his mind instead of his ears. It was somehow worse than the interminable silence.
"Th' fuck y' want now?"
"What we have always wanted: To make use of an asset."
Without an apparent command, the robed one's guards hauled Terry up onto his feet and dragged him from the cell. He was long past exhaustion; there wasn't a word for how physically destroyed he was, so he didn't fight. He couldn't have if he'd wanted to. All he could manage was to stay conscious, to watch, to try and keep count of footsteps and turns. Try and mark a path, even though he knew by now that in Torghast, paths changed all the time. What led to a gate one day would lead to a pit of fire an hour later.
"It is quite impressive, the sheer force of will you carry within you. Intriguing, even. Most who have been in my care this long have forgotten how to speak, or at least, they're too worn to try. You? Why, look at your busy little mind, whizzing away, eyes darting all over the place. Looking for exits? Is this what hope does to your kind? I grieve for you, little mortal. Hope is despair bundled in gilded cloth. Fortunately, you have almost finished unwrapping it."
They emerged then into an absolutely massive, cavernous hall. The walkable portion of the chamber was circular, though there were still distinct sides to it due to the infinite number of barred doors lining them. Looking up, the ceiling was invisible, the cells climbing higher and higher until they disappeared in a distant miasma. Of course, chains hung down from there, too. Terry would have been puzzled if he hadn't seen chains. 
His talkative captor reached for one of those chains as a great hook disengaged itself from the wall and drifted into his opposite hand. Latching one to the other, Terry was dragged closer. Though he was at last familiar with the display he was being shown, familiarity didn't make the dread any less oppressive. He already felt a phantom twinge between his shoulder blades.
"I am the Painsmith. I am very, very good at unwrapping gifts, particularly the double-edged gift that is hope. You will come to appreciate my efforts in time; your screams will be grand compliments, and I shall help you fine-tune them until you are a one-man chorus of pain. The willful ones frequently make the most pleasing shrieks, and the breaking of one such as yourself? Ah, it will be an exquisite preview for the rest of your cellmates!"
Ordinarily, Terry would have called out the Painsmith for his stupid, edgelord name, but he had already figured out that unlike most stupid edgelords with stupid, edgelord names, this one had earned that name. There was a big, dangerous difference between a guy who called himself Painsmith one day, and a guy who was dubbed Painsmith by someone else.
For starters, a stupid edgelord wouldn't have been able to reach into his chest and pull his soul clean out of his body. The soul went on the hook, the body stayed on the floor, and dozens of smaller chains with tubing and horrific instruments at the ends of them swarmed over it like hungering snakes.
Making him watch everything that followed...that one, a stupid edgelord might have done.
The dark was quiet, and peaceful, and he welcomed it. Darkness was infinitely preferable to the sight of his own torment, to the sound of his own pleas, to the knowledge that he'd finally broken. Blindness couldn't take away the latter, but it helped dull it some, and that was enough.
He was torn out of it and into searing, blazing light after what felt both like an eternity and like two minutes, and he was filled with raw, blood-curdling hate like he'd never known. The rage drove his body to act, but it couldn't, so he drove other bodies around him to do it instead. They obeyed without words or threats, slaves to his furious will, and sought to put down what had forced him into this new nightmare. He wanted nothing more than to just go back to sleep; he was so very, very tired...
...and then there was a body slamming against him, and his rage exploded into lightning and punishment. ...No. Not against him. Against... a shield. A force, a barrier of some sort around him. He hadn't done that. Had he? And... he knew this body. It was so hard to think of anything except how unfair it all was, how much he wanted to stop, but this was important. He knew it was. He just had to... had to think... and to swat down the flies that had roused him.
It took so long for him to reconcile the unconscious, glowing green cat with the shape of his brother's druidic form. Quenching the hazy flames in his mind was a herculean effort, made somewhat easier by the constant attacks from the insects Leon had brought with him.
...wait.
Not insects. Not attacks. Hate. Kill them all. Make it stop. No. No, no, no. Look. Really look, look at them, who are they? What are they? That one's an elfkill it it's an easy target they all deserve to dieNO. Shut up. The other one. Female. Voice. What was her voice? So loud, infuriating, just shut up shut up SHUT UP let me REST NO. Female. Armor. Armored female. Human? Human. Short. Small. Reckless. Easy preyNO. Screaming. Screaming something. Screaming what? Too loud. Silence itNO. Screaming orders. To the elf? Yes. Screaming his name. ...TinyshortrecklesshumanfemaleknowsmynameKILLTHEMALL
NO.
He couldn't speak, no matter how he tried. So he showed them how to break through. Naturally, his wife hadn't caught on, but the stranger elf did. He'd have to try to remember to give her shit for that later. If there was a later. Gods, he was so very, very tired...
When he woke once again, he was weaker than he'd ever felt in his life. Or death. Whatever. He was dimly aware of shouting, familiar voices distorted to incomprehensibility. He was almost sure one of them was crying, but he couldn't tell if that was someone speaking to him or just one of the other countless denizens of Torghast. There was a little glimmer in the dark, a soothing light and sound that beckoned him toward it, and time stretched on as he tried to remember what to do with himself. There was no body, no legs to move, no arms to reach out. He was formless. How to... ah. There. The light grew closer, and the reassuring sensation of pressure stretched around him.
The voices snapped into clarity once yet another cage, smaller by far than all the others but somehow comfortable, snapped shut around him. He heard his wife. He heard his brother. He heard... someone else? He didn't know the third one. But they were trying to escape, taking him with them, and he was okay with that. They were panicking, but that made sense; this was Torghast, and they were breaking him out. Shit was probably coming down on their heads like a landslide right about now.
Once he heard them fall silent, save for Shedwyn sobbing, which he ached for his inability to address, Terry let himself drift again. He was in another little box, and he couldn't get out of it, but that box was held by people he trusted. And some rando third person. He'd figure that out later, maybe.
For now, he could finally rest.
( @daily-writing-challenge​ @mekandawn @shedwyn )
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unmatchedtemptress · 2 years
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Mike shows up to the Byers unexpected and confessing his feelings for him
ALRIGHTYY
Freaking out was an understatement. Mike is in full panic mode.
Mike made a not-so-well-thought-out decision and decided to go all the way from small town Hawkins, Indiana to big golden state California.
The reasons being, his life is falling apart.
It was Will’s birthday soon and that gave him an excuse to leave that shitty town.
Lucas is somehow a jock, and completely dodges his life from middle school, Dustin is off in his own world whenever they’re not hanging out, Max is still grieving over Billy’s death and since her stepfather used to take his anger out on Billy, he now takes it out on Max which furthers influences her depression, and her best friend is gone, he wasn’t ever really close with Steve and Robin like Will and Dustin were, Nancy is getting ready for college, he’s pretty sure his parents are gonna file a divorce sometime soon, and Will and El are gone. Fucking gone.
And it took a while, a few days, and a few buses. But in Mike’s eyes, it was completely worth it. Because he’s now at the Byers’ front door step trying to shake out all the nervousness and anxiety from his shoulders.
Yeah, he was nervous because he wasn’t sure how Joyce would react, El, Jonathan, but most of all, Will. What if he didn’t want to see him? Once the thought comes to his mind, he immediately pushes it back out because Will is one of the sweetest people he knows. But he was also nervous and anxious because of other things.
He’s been discovering himself lately. Since they left. Because he realized just why he feels the way he feels about Will and why it’s so different. And why he doesn’t feel that click with El whenever she grabs his face to kiss him and why he dislikes it so much. And why he never felt anything towards girls. And why he never liked Demi Moore and Cindy Crawford and Kelly Preston like Dustin and Lucas and a bunch of other boys did. And why he always felt all tingly whenever he saw a picture of Tom Cruise and Rob Lowe and Johnny Depp (especially in that football crop top in Nightmare on Elm Street).
It all clicked into place on one cold December night when he was eating dinner at the quiet table, because Nancy was too busy studying her ass off, and Karen and Ted got into another stupid argument earlier that cloudy day and there was obvious tension, and Holly didn’t know what to do with herself and Mike didn’t either.
Mike is fucking gay. And in love with Will. And he hated himself for it. So damn much.
Because gays are the reason for the AIDS pandemic and gays deserved to rot in hell because they’re disgusting and they’re perverts.
Mike didn’t know what to do. El still thought they were dating and Mike didn’t know how to break it to her that they’re very clearly not, and he’s just overall scared. He wishes life were simple.
But he found out that Robin was apparently gay and he was just so shocked because she seemed so normal. And over the months, Mike is starting to realize that maybe being gay isn’t as bad as people make it seem.
And so Mike wants to go for it, he doesn’t think Will would be mad. Or maybe that’s just his hope? But Mike really thinks that he can do this.
After standing out there for god knows how long, he eventually knocks on the door and he hears Wills ever so soft and calming voice speak out “Coming! Hold on,” and Mike’s heart does a little flip.
And then the door opens. And there Will is. Wearing a buttoned flannel over a long sleeved shirt and tight fitting jeans that kind of outline his hips and Mike wants to reach out and hold them and maybe kiss him. But he stops himself because he can’t do that, not yet anyways, and Will is so shocked to see what’s in front of him.
And Will’s little gasp wounds him a little but in a good way. He’s so happy to see him.
Will let’s him in and Mike says hi to everyone. Joyce a little shocked to see him but happy, Jonathan as well. And…
Apparently his name’s Argyle. Mike doesn’t know if he likes him or not. He’s weird.
And there’s El.
And then all hell breaks loose a few hours later.
Joyce is gone with that weird ass Murray guy that apparently convinced Jonathan and Nancy to hook up and tried getting Joyce and Hopper to also hook up but failed.
And then El is gone. Captured. By Brenner.
And then they’re on the fucking run because apparently Mike wasn’t so sneaky and was being chased by the Military? Brenners people? He can’t tell, everything goes by in a blur.
Because now, he’s at a café with Will, Jonathan, and Argyle. And he feels like their being watched.
And this was not his plan at all. He just wanted to celebrate his best friends birthday and maybe ask him out. Not be fucking chased almost to death. And he hopes everyone’s ok.
Jonathan and Argyle are quietly talking in another booth across the room from him and Will.
And he’s trying not to smile too much because he’s sharing a milkshake with Will. And Mike decides that maybe, now’s the time.
Now or never.
“Hey Will.”
Will doesn’t really acknowledge him too much, too invested by the table but he does mutter a “hmm?”
And Will looks so… gorgeous.
Mike is usually good with words, but the words aren’t coming to his brain and he doesn’t know how to tell him.
So Mike gets up and goes to Wills side of the table which makes him look at Mike. And god. His eyes. They’re so bright, they’re hazel with spots of green in some parts. And his lips, look super pink because he’s been biting his lip too much.
And Mike kisses him. And it feels like heaven. Will doesn’t respond at first but then he starts moving his lips against Mike.
It feels so good. Mike doesn’t want to pull away but he needs oxygen so after a few moments he pulls away and Will immediately chases him like he’s gonna fade away.
And Mike realizes that maybe it’ll all be ok in the end. He has Will, and that’s all he needs at the moment.
And Will thinks the same thing.
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essayofthoughts · 2 years
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keyleth for the hcs thing?👀👀👀
Sexuality HC: Asexual. Specifically sex neutral ace. We're told that she's pretty much ace, and I think it's likely she doesn't really think of it as one thing or another. I... honestly feel that if she's generally fine with sex, but it's not really on her radar, she doesn't have much sex drive and she decides to try it with Vax because she trusts him and loves him (and her reaction is something which makes Vax laugh, I think) but that generally she doesn't have much inclination for it but also no real dislike for it.
Favorite ship(s): Keyleth and Vax is very cute, but I don't really ship it, I guess. But then I don't really ship anything aside from goddamn Perc'ahlia. I do think Keyleth and Vax are cute in a not dissimilar way to how I enjoy Wanda and Vision, I suppose, which I guess means that if I write some long slowburn of how they get together suddenly I'll find myself crying over them so no one ask me to do that okay?
Brotp: Keyleth and Vex's friendship (aside from when Vex is full of animosity) is really good. I adore Vex's sudden "He kissed me!" to Keyleth about Percy because it's fucking cute and honestly the VM group girl's nights are fucking adorable. So I guess the BroTP is actually Keyleth & Vex & Pike.
Notp: Percy and Keyleth. I'm sorry, but these guys are pseudo-siblings. They see each other as foster siblings. At least as I write him, Percy mentally links Keyleth to his sister Whitney and I really do think Keyleth sees him as a brother, contentions and all - the thing is they see each other as siblings and they choose, despite all of their disagreements, to keep seeing each other as siblings and I don't think that's ever really remarked on by the fandom? So Imma do that now.
But. Percy and Keyleth disagree on things. Kind of a lot. And in a found family that might mean a split, might mean they go their own ways but - they don't. They never do. Marisha said Keyleth might've done that in the Briarwood Arc if Percy had got worse, but in what we see Percy and Keyleth, despite their disagreements, continue to respect each other, continue to trust each other and...
and it's like... it's as though, because they see each other as siblings, they choose to consider their relationship like that. As inescapable as a sibling bond, as something they have to live with. They choose to work through their difficulties, to understand each other even when they disagree (and I know that some of this is because it's a game and they have to but also and I fucking love that some of this comes from the fact that apparently Taliesin and Marisha were playing against their own personalities, that Keyleth is apparently closer to Taliesin's view on things while Marisha is closer to Percy's perspective - they found greater understanding of each other in playing these characters, god fuck but that gives me emotions ANYWAY).
They choose to understand each other through their difficulties and disagreements. They choose that their siblinglike bond matters more than that. And. It's so good. Because in doing that they make it even more siblinglike. They don't break from each other. They don't leave. They take each difference as a challenge to work through and the end result is they are as siblinglike as any siblings and that is why I cannot ship them together ever.
Happy HC: Keyleth likes to druidcraft flowers for her friends. When she doesn't have words, she always has flowers to show how much they mean to her.
Angsty HC: There are days when she hates the ravens. It would be so much easier to grieve and let go and move on if the ravens didn't visit.
It's weirdly, fucked-uped-ly comforting that the ravens keep visiting anyway because it implies either that a goddess is sorry for keeping to her deal or that...
Or that Vax can't move on either, even as he's the eternal Champion of the Raven Queen, even as he's locked away further and further from Vax'ildan - there's some part of him, hidden in the ravens, that is always hers.
And if he's as unable to move on as she is, she can't be angry about it, in the end.
Random HC: Keyleth has a graze on her knees from when she was learning to use a Skysail. She fucked up pretty badly and ended up wrecking herself against a canyon wall. She was phenomenally lucky and didn't break anything, but the injury was bad enough she ripped right through the skin and down to the silver between the muscle - the scars on her knees are pretty ugly.
General opinion: God just. I know people think of Pike as the sunshine of the group but everyone is wrong because it's Keyleth. Pike is moral because of Sarenrae at times, but Keyleth is moral because she believes it is right. Keyleth is the epitome of that... I think it was a question asked of a rabbi, what is the point of atheists, if everything is God's plan?
To show us what it is to be good, without any belief in law or reward. We ought to be like the atheist, who is good because they believe it is the right thing to do.
That's Keyleth. She doesn't believe in gods. She doesn't believe in religious law. She believes in being good to people because we should be good to people and I fucking love that so much.
I would like to have tea with Keyleth.
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sarah-dipitous · 4 months
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Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 330
The Lying Detective
“The Lying Detective”
Plot Description: Sherlock goes up against the powerful and seemingly unassailable Culverton Smith - a man with a very dark secret indeed.
Oh. Is John’s therapist the secret Holmes sister??
Ayo fuck John. I mean, at least he knows leaving his daughter with friends is shitty behavior, though, i GUESS
Right. He WAS the Dream Lord, and now he’s gonna alter the memories of his closest friends to forget wherever he’s about to tell them
His daughter was the one writing down all the info he was telling them? Fair
I almost thought he imagined the daughter…actually that remains to be seen. We know how Sherlock can be
Why are we constantly intersplicing commercials for Dream Lord??
I know Sherlock is guessing romantic relationship but what if the daughter still lives at home???
“Everything’s about Sherlock” well, it IS his show, so….
Omg IS he imagining the Dream Lord’s daughter?? You can really tell I haven’t watched these episodes since they aired
Oh wait…is the “daughter” his sister?? I just vaguely remember this bit being important like that. They want me to believe she was imaginary, but I’m pretty sure the woman Sherlock walked around London with all night wasn’t the daughter of Culverton Smith, it was his sister
Oh, cool, Smith is a serial killer, apparently
Omg this is just really bad tv. I miss seasons one and two…
SHE (Mrs Hudson) PUT SHERLOCK IN THE TRUNK OF HER CAR AND SPED OVER TO JOHN’S?!
“I don’t know anything anymore” same, John. I don’t care that or how Sherlock can predict the future, and I’m very uninterested in the melodrama of Sherlock’s drug usage
Thing is, of course Sherlock will end up being right because it’s his show…but because we’re closing in on the worst episode, there will be consequences
Why is Smith asking everyone how long they’ve worked for him??
I bet she’s not gonna look anything like the woman who Sherlock met. Well, she looks SOMEWHAT like her
Eugh, this actor is really good at the kinds of characters he plays but I don’t like those characters
This isn’t even remotely interesting to watch. Did I find this episode THIS bad when it aired??
Why are they so mad at Mycroft? He’s literally trying to figure out what the fuck is going on with Sherlock, too. Don’t call him a reptile, Mrs Hudson. He DOES care even if he has a stupid way of showing it
Eugh…he went down this path where he was basically given weeks to live so John would save him so he could keep a promise to a video of John’s dead wife to save John
The “daughter” wasn’t imaginary, Sherlock. She was your sister
How did I manage to move and make a small grunting noise just a second before Sherlock’s text notification (specifically the one Irene Adler recorded for him) went off?
The amatonormativity happening “romantic entanglement, while fulfilling for other people—“ “will complete you as a human being” Are starting and ending this episode with a “fuck you, John”?? I get you’re grieving but that doesn’t mean that Sherlock has to get into a relationship
God, I almost forgot about the emotional cheating John did. Fuck you, John
The Mary in John’s head is a lot nicer to him than I would have been
People, stop trying to fuck the Holmes brothers. They’re unfuckable (not derogatory)
I think the only somewhat clever part about the reveal of the secret sister is that John believed it was a secret brother and in the pilot Sherlock had guessed John’s sibling Harry was his brother…but Harry is short for Harriette. And this is my reasoning for there to never ever be another season of this show ever again
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littleapocalypsekitten · 10 months
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Am I within my rights to be stupidly upset about something?  I don’t think anyone is going to read this or respond, so I might as well spit in the wind, but if someone wants to respond, if you can help me a little, please do.   I like watching Telltale (Owen Morgan) on Youtube sometimes.  He’s a Youtube personality who does takedowns of prosperity gospel preachers, political movers and general right-wing lunatics.  He covers a lot of people who are actually kind of funny, people who have visions of (T)Rump being “President in Heaven” and so forth.  I originally discovered him because I like watching reviewers of obscure cartoons and he covers some Jehova’s Witness animated stuff I’d never before heard of.   I like Telltale a lot because he is both informative and funny - and he likes a lot of the video games that I do, sometimes he streams gaming while doing his takes.  He’s the only atheism youtuber” with any kind of frequency as someone with some spiritual leanings because his goal in life ISN’T to take down all religion or even to “Grrr! Kill christianity!” like a lot of others - he recognizes Progressive religious and spiritual people as allies against extremists and is very pro-freedom.  As long as you’re against the fundamentalists and theocrats, he’s cool with you, even if he might not agree with you on the finer points.  He also says “I don’t know! Nobody knows!” a lot, betraying an agnosticism rather than utterly staunch atheism-or-the-highway.   However, as with all human beings, even the best of us, sometimes prejudices come out. The other night I was watching a livestream of his that I can’t seem to find anymore (it featured making fun of MAGA rappers because they’re apparently a thing now) and the subject of death and grief came up - a caller speaking of it and Telltale talking about losing his father and then he spouted something like “These people (the religious nuts) don’t feel loss, not really, because they think they’ll close their eyes and wake up in Heaven and their loved ones will be there.”  - Basically going on about how belief in an afterlife means you don’t suffer true loss and grief, not REALLY.    I hope he was talking just about the fundie types there and not, you know, everyone who has the idea of a possible hearafter, because... this pissed me off and has thrown me into a depression.   I lost someone whom I was VERY close to back in January.  If you follow my blog, you’ve probably seen me talk about it.  While I’m agnostic-theist / spiritual-but-not-given-to-specific-dogmas-anymore, I still, most of the time, believe in a higher power and believe in, what is for lack of a better term, a “Heaven.”  I have this hope that I will see my people again, but I FEEL REAL LOSS, REAL GREIF, REAL, ACTUAL HUMAN EMOTION ABOUT THIS EVERY DAMN DAY!!!  Now, in my case, I grant that you might say that my tough of agnosticism which makes me unsure of it all grants me that “real human feeling of loss,” but... you know, I don’t think belief in an afterlife means that you DON’T FUCKING GRIEVE.   I like to imagine that my nephew is on to bigger and better things...somewhere.. rather than just “Urk!” and nothing but ashes scattered to nothingness in some park now.  But, if an essence of him is somewhere, or he is watching over me... I still don’t get to talk to him.  I still don’t get to share things with him like I used to.  I can’t discuss the new Zelda game with him, or make him food anymore, or laugh at things... The loss is very real.   I’m just... very upset.   I will grant that some of the rich prosperity gospel fundie types who make their bank on hating others might not love as hard or grieve as hard as the rest of us, but it’s not a “belief in Heaven” that stops that.  I think it’s more self-centerness and NPC-syndrome where they see other people in terms of assets and extensions of themselves that does that.   Honestly, it reminds of of something I once heard a priest on a talk show say about “Atheists are atheists because they don’t really suffer and don’t know how to suffer” and I wanted to reach through the screen and throttle the guy on behalf of my friends, whom I knew had faced enormous suffering.    It’s basically... othering tactics, I guess... prejudices that come out where people will start to think that human-who-disagrees-with-me on some broad-brush thing somehow feels-less-of-universal-human-trait.    I don’t know... This wasn’t a case of “I knew what I was getting into” when watching an atheism-blogger.  I’ve come to trust Telltale because he usually *isn’t* like this.  I felt blindsided - and I know that he wasn’t attacking me at all, it’s just... carless comments came at the wrong time for me because of the fresh grief in my life.  And now I need to pull myself out of another depression. *Sigh.* 
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sonic-spirit · 2 years
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Nightmares
I had nightmares all last night. At the time, they didn’t entirely feel like nightmares, even though I knew I should be, would normally be, flinching at the electric jolts of pain. I’m still feeling a lot of the numbness, distancing me from the touch of the nightmares, and the memories—previous times I’d assume I was fine, and get blindsided by the tsunami coming in later, but I know better now, and I know that this is just the water drawing back from the beach. It’s not actually calm, or receded, it just looks like it.
It’s funny that this nightmare could make me feel this way, that it could try to argue that I, I dunno, shouldn’t hold my abuse against my abusers, or whatever bullshit conclusion you might want to draw from it alone, when only a few days ago I was hit with how much, and how thoroughly, and how /many/ of my memories (all my memories?) just feel like shards of broken glass. I was never safe, and it’s never gonna be okay.
The dream itself…it was about my dad. In it, I didn’t really have access to the memories of the bad things about him, and my own abuse was minimized. Basically I was in a pocket dimension constructed to be the way your abusers gaslight the situation into being, where they’re completely reasonable, and you’re being unfair. And hurting them. Of course.
Basically, in the dream, which dream backfill said was apparently set in Michigan, I was in this restaurant’s event space type thing after the event is over, and kinda trying to help pack up so everyone could leave (in one of those situations where you aren’t actually responsible or required to help the people in charge, and don’t really know what you’re doing, but you want to help anyway and there’s always small fiddly things to take care of to save the people who are dealing with the actually important stuff the time). And having my dad there trying to engage with me about how I left and that he’s sad about it. I knew it was a dream, but couldn’t wake up. Or else I had a few such dreams but they all kept dumping me back in with my dad. He was on decent behavior. I didn’t really try to leave, more than shuffling around the room.
I dunno. That’s me getting caught up in the weeds of the details. In the dream, he didn’t really engage in some of the really shitty things I’d expect him to say or do in real life—didn’t try to grab me, didn’t do a lot of the emotional blackmail tactics. The point wasn’t about living what it might actually be like, or what my experience of it would be. The point was what his point was. Which was that I “didn’t give them a real chance,” and that “I hurt them by leaving.” It was about his pain, his grieving. Again, all his good traits were there. The gentle way he uses his hands. The tone of his voice. The fact that I could hear these words without having them completely rip me to shreds. I /knew/ I had reasons, good reasons, for leaving. That I won’t ever, ever go back. But the dream still wanted me to wonder. Forced me to wonder. It demanded that maybe I over-reacted. That I hurt this poor, kind man for nothing.
Fuck that. I lived that way for too damn long, shoving myself into a corner of myself, staying out of the way, tending their emotional needs—and letting them hurt me. I knew that relationship was a lost cause long ago, and just because I protected myself as best I could from further abuse while I was still trapped there doesn’t mean I “Never gave them a real chance.” They blew up every chance that came their way from the time I was Actually 15, and finally prepared to acknowledge that I wasn’t being treated well. Just because I don’t have clear memories of the number of traumas, and only have instances I’ve held onto for myself as evidence doesn’t make it okay, and it certainly doesn’t invalidate all the work I’ve been doing to learn how to not behave like I belong in a corner and am apparently too shameful to exist.
It’s also super damning that the second after I “put aside” christianity I started to realize I /should/ be treated better than I was, and that the anger and pain I hadn’t really been aware of came forward to say, “LOOK. THIS IS REALLY FUCKED UP.” I finally stopped trying to sever parts of myself, and finally allowed myself to experience /anything/ without shame.
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petrichor-han · 2 years
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eros | p.js
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PAIRING | jay x fem!reader
IDOLS FEATURED | jay park, yang jungwon (mentioned), kim chaehyun
WC | 2.2k
GENRE | angst, unrequited love, friends with benefits, non-idol!au
WARNINGS | smoking, suggestive and sexual content (no smut), nudity & descriptions of bodies, explicit language
SYNOPSIS | he was, essentially, the perfect lover. he knew what made your body tick, he took care of you after the deed was done, and he knew so much about you—maybe a little too much. perhaps that was why you thought he liked you too; being so vulnerable and naked with someone, physically and mentally, was bound to create some sort of connection. at least, that was what you thought.
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MASTERLIST | KINDS OF LOVE COLLECTION
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It started off innocently enough. 
At least, as innocent as a friends with benefits relationship could be. 
You met Jay at a party. It wasn’t even a special party, it was just some shitty party that some shitty sophomore threw with shitty music and shitty drinks. It was just so shitty. Your friend had begged you to go, because that shitty sophomore was apparently cute, and she liked younger guys. Yang Jungwon, the real name of the shitty sophomore, was sort of cute, you supposed. If you liked innocent looking guys. Jungwon looked so out of place at that party even though it was his party. In his little sweater vest and round, silver-rimmed glasses, he looked like the perfect little nerd—exactly what your friend’s type was. You thought it was sort of weird; he looked like he belonged in a library, but you let your friend go off with him, leaving you alone and swirling your shitty drink in your red solo cup, wishing you had stayed home and gotten drunk by yourself instead. Jay had approached you just as you were about to leave, confidently resting his hands on your waist. As soon as you reciprocated that attention, he kissed up your neck, teeth tugging on your earlobe slightly, whispering “wanna get out of here?” 
Of course, you said yes. 
Jay was the best lover you’d had in a long time. You wouldn’t say you were particularly experienced, but you knew enough, and that was good enough for Jay. He, on the other hand, seemed to know exactly what he was doing, and you swore kissing had never felt so addicting. You never liked making out until you felt the warmth of Jay’s tongue pressing against your lips, heat radiating off of your skin from the euphoria you were experiencing. His large, veiny hands cupped your breasts and you sighed into the kiss, silently thanking your friend for leaving you alone, something you never thought you’d do. But as Jay ravaged your body, you were already grieving the loss, telling yourself that it was very likely you’d never see him again, let alone fuck him again. So you pretended like your first was also your last, taking risks that paid off, leaving bright red scratches down his back, a reminder of the best he’d ever had. 
Waking up the next morning, you refused to open your eyes, knowing that when you did, the dream of the perfect man in your bed would be shattered, and you’d be forced to face reality: you had class that day, a class free of a sexy man with dark hair named Jay Park. But then you felt something shift beside you, and a warm, heavy arm drape over your side, a familiar hand snaking underneath the blanket and brushing against your bare skin. “You awake?” 
Oh, that raspy morning voice. It couldn’t be. 
But it was. 
You went out for coffee that morning. The first and last time that you ever went out with Jay Park, you felt woefully underdressed. He had slipped back into his clothes from last night, form-fitting black pants that hugged his muscular legs in all the right places and a white button-down that was somehow free of stains, despite everything that had happened last night while you were both still clothed. His hair didn’t even look greasy, it just looked slick in a handsome, simple way, and when he brushed the stray pieces out of his face you felt your chest clench. You, on the other hand, hadn’t anticipated going out again so early, and your smudged makeup from last night and ratty old hoodie from high school, paired with the worst hangover you’d ever had (you blamed Jungwon’s jungle juice for this) made you look like a cheap hooker fresh out of a job. Your roommate’s words, not yours. 
You were well aware of the looks you were getting. People would see Jay, eye-fucking him shamelessly from across the room, biting their lips without even realizing it, before shifting their gaze to you and immediately sitting up straight. Their thoughts were so clear that they were practically written across their foreheads: what the fuck is that god doing with that pile of steaming dog shit? 
Feeling hot and sticky with embarrassment, you pulled up your hood and wished you could go home and take a much needed shower. You worried that you stank. 
Your only solace and the one reason you weren’t darting across campus with a brown paper bag over your head was drinking his coffee, eyes glued to his phone, which was sleek, slim, and clad in black, just like him. He ran his tongue over his lips, licking up any leftover foam from the top of his latte (the latte was surprising, you had assumed he’d be a black coffee kind of guy) and it reminded you of something from last night. With a scowl on your face, your cheeks heated up, embarrassingly. 
“Are you going to drink your cocoa?” Jay asked, raising his perfectly sculpted eyebrows at you, taking another sip from his mug. “Go on.” 
The simple but firm request had your knees knocking together. You quickly picked up your cup of hot chocolate, and you regretted ordering it in that moment; you felt like a child once again in the presence of this handsome, classy man. It was the best hot chocolate you ever had. Maybe it was because your hangover was finally wearing off, or because of the eye candy sitting across from you, but you’d never had a better cup of hot cocoa since. 
“So,” Jay said, finally setting his phone down and folding his pretty hands together. “About last night.” You choked on your creamy hot cocoa, spewing chocolate milk all over the tabletop, shocked by his forwardness. Jay smirked, and handed you a napkin. “You alright?” 
Nodding frantically, you turned away to cough some more. “Yeah, yeah, sorry. Go on,” you said in a strained voice. 
He reached over the table to play with one of your hoodie strings. “I don’t know about you, but I really enjoyed myself last night,” he said confidently. That asshole. He knew he was good at sex, yet he pretended that he didn’t know. Of course you’d enjoyed yourself, it was the best night of your damn life. “I was wondering if you wanted to keep this as a regular thing?” 
You almost choked on your hot chocolate again. “What do you mean by that?” you asked, wiping your mouth with the last dry napkin. You ground your teeth nervously. 
“Well, I don’t want to assume anything, but I’m not looking for a relationship, so that’s not what I’m proposing.” You nodded, pushing your lower lip out as you thought about it. You had gotten out of a relationship recently as well, damn your ex. He’d left you high and dry every time, and you had gotten sick of it. It didn’t mean you didn’t miss him though. 
“I’m not looking for a relationship either,” you said vaguely, trying to hang onto your last shred of dignity, tracing the rim of your mug with a fingertip. “What are you proposing then?” 
“Friends with benefits,” he said, folding his arms across his chest. You tried to ignore the way the visible muscles in his forearms flexed as he moved. “How does that sound? You can say no.” He added the last part quickly, and you picked up on his nervousness. His left eye twitched and he swallowed hard, trying to maintain his nonchalant cover. He cleared his throat, bringing you back to the conversation. 
“Sounds good to me,” you said, shrugging, trying to sound as casual as possible. Inside, you were smashing your fist against a wall in triumph. Victory! the voice in your head cheered. 
“Cool.” Jay downed the rest of his latte. “Speaking of which, wanna come over? I know you’re not wearing anything under that hoodie and it’s been driving me crazy.” 
This time, you were the one that smirked. 
---
But that was nearly a year ago by now, at least from your jumbled memory it was. You sat up in bed—Jay’s bed, and hugged the silky sheets to your chest, never growing tired of the way the slick material felt on your bare skin. Jay sat on the other side of the bed, the same silk sheet barely covering his hips, lighting a cigarette. He laid back and took a long drag, holding the smoke in his lungs for just a moment before exhaling. You wrinkled your nose at the smell. If the flawless Jay Park had one fault, it’d be smoking. “I wish you wouldn’t do that inside,” you said quietly. 
“It’s my house,” he replied, and you searched desperately for any sign of playfulness in his voice. But you couldn’t find it. 
You sighed, your heart aching. Over the months, the pleasure never waned, and as you and Jay got to know one another more (the word friends was in the phrase, after all) you found yourself being unable to stick to what you had said on that first day—you couldn’t stop yourself from falling for Jay Park. He was too perfect, and you hated yourself for falling victim to his charms. When your roommate first heard of your escapades with your handsome lover, she sucked in a harsh breath and told you of the rumors she had heard about him. “He’s a womanizer,” she said desperately. 
You’d just laughed. “Oh Chae,” you sighed, “who even uses that word any more?” 
“Go get your heart broken, then,” she’d responded snarkily, but you knew she was just upset because things with Jungwon hadn’t gone well. 
“I’m not in love with him, we’re just hooking up,” you said simply, but your roommate knew you well. She had predicted this situation a year ago, and you hated the fact that she was right after all. 
You watched Jay smoke his cigarette, wondering what the hell you were supposed to do, when he finally looked back at you. “Something on my face?” he asked, raising his eyebrows. 
“No,” you said quickly, biting your lip and looking away. 
Jay stubbed out his cigarette on his fancy silver ashtray and then captured you in a hug, surprising you. He buried his nose in your hair, inhaling deeply. “You smell nice,” he said, kissing the spot he had just sniffed. 
“I’ve been using the shampoo you bought me,” you said, nestling into his arms. 
You felt him smile against your skin. “I knew you’d like it,” he said, voice muffled as his lips were pressed against your neck, “whenever I see roses I think of you. I know that’s your favorite scent.” Your heart ached again. 
Jay started kissing and nibbling on your neck again, and you swallowed past the lump in your throat. “Jay,” you said, cringing at how watery and wobbly you sounded, “I think we need to talk.” 
“Oh?” he said, and you hated how he still sounded so indifferent, so calm. You could be ending things, and it was like he didn’t care at all. You felt a tear slip out of your eye and you watched it fall onto the silvery sheets, creating a dark wet spot. Jay propped himself up on one elbow, moving your hair out of your face and using a finger to wipe at your damp cheek. “What’s on your mind, dollface? Talk to me.” 
You shook your head, biting your lip as more tears spilled out. Finally concerned, Jay fully sat up and hugged you to his bare chest. You wanted to sob at the feeling of his warm skin. “Hey, what’s going on?” he said, gently tilting your chin upwards. You were sure you looked a mess, wobbling chin and swollen eyes. But Jay either didn’t notice or didn’t care, and he captured your lips into another kiss, much softer than the ones you had shared earlier in the evening. 
When you parted, you couldn’t hold it in any more. “I love you,” you blurted out, and you felt your heart stop as Jay froze. He stiffened and you could feel his shock as you were still pressed up against him. 
“Doll,” he said cautiously, and you could hear the pity in his voice. Your heart sank. “When we started this, we both said we didn’t want a relationship.” 
“I know,” you said tearfully, breaking out of his arms and swinging your legs over the edge of the bed. You didn’t want to look at him, knowing that his perfect facial features would be contorted into an expression full of pity and guilt. 
He stayed silent, and with every second that ticked by you felt worse. You grabbed your clothes and started getting dressed as quickly as possible, wanting to get out of the suddenly suffocating house. “Dollface, please calm down, don’t leave,” Jay said, scooting over and grabbing you by the wrist. “Please sit back down.” 
“No,” you snapped, finally pulling your jeans over your hips and buttoning them. You felt more tears spill out. You were so stupid. 
“Please,” he said, but you jerked your wrist out of his gentle grasp and stalked across the room to grab your jacket. “I’m sorry,” he said softly, just as your hand closed around the doorknob. “I’m sorry I don’t feel the same.” 
You paused, squeezing the cold knob in your hand, wishing that things were different. “I’m sorry too,” you said, before whipping open the door and leaving, shutting it behind you, leaving Jay alone in his smoke-scented bedroom, staring blankly at the teardrop stain on his sheets. 
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