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#it’s so depressing that i literally haven’t even looked into prospective colleges on any level and i’m a month away from the end of jr year
svbatomic · 3 years
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someday i will find the inner strength to create a pinned post or a carrd or smth but today is Not that day and neither is tomorrow probably
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flootloops · 6 years
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ok i’ve REALLY been inactive this time oh boy
so i’m going through a (super cliche i’m sorry) period of self-realization because the last straws of school-related stress (among other stress) have gotten to me. there’s a lot of factors going into this, whether it be the music department at my school being totally subpar, the other people in my band being irritating, and most of all myself inevitably changing, but i’m not sure i’m really invested in band or even actually like it anymore.
tl;dr- i’m taking a formal hiatus from this blog. i might be getting back into it when i go to college (this fall) and join a more serious ensemble. 
it really pains me to even think about it because band has been my life for the past several years and now there’s suddenly a gaping hole where it used to thrive without question. my love for it really suddenly died and i’m not sure exactly what caused it, but every time i go to band or even pit orchestra i don’t care. it’s just another class that i’m checking my watch too many times in, and every time i hear us playing it sounds so awful and empty (literally, because we have no people in our band). this might be a somewhat good thing because it will let me concentrate on my prospective evolutionary biology major in college, an old passion that i’m exploring and cultivating again, but it’s still a really huge shock for me and i’m really unsure about my future (personality-wise) now.
i’m going to try to express what’s been bothering me about music and possibly leading up to this. i’ve done this before but i think continuously writing about it might help me.
one of the main reasons i’ve loved band was discovering new music and being able to explore its cool features while practicing it with ensembles. due to the nature of my band at school, we’ve never played a real high school-level concert band piece, so my only exposures were all county, area all state, and band camp ensembles that each happened once a year. i have had very little exposure to concert band or classical music pieces overall. compared to the few other people i know and the people participating in classical music culture here who are also serious about music, i felt uncultured and fake. one kid in my band, who i respected as another serious musician, constantly berated me for my music tastes whenever i brought it up so that didn’t help lmao. basically, i didn’t fit into the group of people in my band who were really relaxed and nonchalant in class, or the smaller group who basically want to be music majors. if i tried to express how much i liked music in my own way, i was pretty much rejected by anyone i turned to. whenever i muster up any motivation for playing, i feel inadequate because i haven’t practiced in so long and therefore sound awful, just plainly because i sound awful compared to before, and that maybe i’m just a fake musician. the last one has been a genuine anxious fear i’ve had for a while now and it’s been getting to me more than usual lately. i already feel really over dramatic writing about this because i’m wondering how my friends would react if they knew i was writing. it took an unfortunately long time to validate my own feelings about my own life.
another thing was the people in my band. i was super excited to join freshman year even though i already noticed it was a bit more barren than it should be, because the upperclassmen were pretty good at their instruments, and they were really easygoing. my band teacher was also way more strict than he should have been, which i didn’t care about because it was mainly geared towards the underclassmen who didn’t practice (but really he could have like not called us actual shit, yknow?). everything went downhill from there. comparing senior year to freshman year, 1- about one person per section knows what they’re doing, 2- there are even less people in band; we have five brass players total and only two of them are about ok or decent, 3- everyone (EVERYONE) is just plain irritating whether it be to each other to the teacher, 4- i’ve lost a lot of respect for my band teacher because while it’s great he’s become less strict, he hasn’t gotten any better at his attitude or teaching and has completely just let himself go. my teacher has sunken into a really teenager-like nihilistic view of life that i’m not sure is ironic or not anymore and passive-aggressively lets us know how done he is with everything every single class. i thought he was trying to be Relatable (tm) at first but it’s getting really weird and unacceptable. also did i mention that everyone in this class annoys me a lot because all they do is scream and play really badly?
the weird thing is is that i’ve always looked past these things. i still enjoyed getting to be a part of a musical ensemble, even if we didn’t sound too great, were lacking a lot of crucial sections, or played really easy songs. none of these things were problems for me at all. but along with the general further deterioration of all of these things, i also feel like playing time has been even moreso consumed by fooling around and procrastination of playing, of which even my teacher might be a culprit. i feel like the weight of no one wanting to play or improve has become so much greater and purposeful which might have brought me down too. my friends are all pointing fingers at different things too, things that i don’t agree with, but i might not be emotionally ready to accept those possibilities because it’s already taken me so long to realize my decreasing interest in music. i signed up for state auditions this year and there’s not only that obvious feeling of “oh god i’m gonna fail and i’m never gonna practice help me god” but also a really genuine feeling of “why am i doing this when i don’t want to” like i’m about to quit my instrument. i have never felt this before, not in the ten years i’ve been doing auditions or music. so while i’m not going to quit band, i just wanted to finally admit that i no longer feel anything special when i walk into that room. if you’ve read this far, i’m sorry that you had to read such a depressing and pathetic story? but i feel this might be a temporary dampener on my feelings for music and that it will return once i join a better ensemble in college. maybe i just need college as a big change in my life because i’m honestly getting sick of everything in my high school, which also has never truly happened before. i’m just weird i’m sorry
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I’m not quite sure what happened to my first post, but whatever. The very first post of my entire blog for travel isn’t important or anything! >:| 
Anyway, I’m in a much better mood than I was in the previous post. I definitely had another depressed slump, but it seems I’ve just been getting those often while I’m here. I need to get better at staying on top of my meds. 
I think my issue is I keep wandering from place to place looking for a geographic cure for my problems. And the more I hop from place to place, the more my mother’s words, “wherever you go, there you are,” rings true. I don’t think there will ever truly be a time where I feel inspired to be the person I want to be, or genuinely and excitedly motivated to do things as simple as getting my ass out of bed and into the shower, or a place where I will just magically come into my own. I just need to make those steps, consciously, diligently, and with unwavering dedication each and every day. I’ve never been a creature of routine, so it’ll be tough, but necessary. 
Necessary, because I’ve been reading more and more about the Ayurveda lifestyle that comes with the tradition of the vedas I found through Vedic Astrology. It argues that every creature, every organism, even the Earth itself, has a rhythm, routine, or tune that it adheres to. As creatures just as much animal and part of the Earth, it is so very necessary and even integral to our health and well-being as humans to do the same. It’s kind of disappointing I’ve taken until, you know, my twenty-fourth year to come to this surmise, but hey. At your own pace, I guess.
Part of my issues, I know, stems from the plague of being a depressed person. The OCD doesn’t help. It just makes my goals cripple me into paralysis. The thought of moving towards them at all gives way to a fear of them not turning out as perfectly as they appear in my head. Thanks, genetics! 
Also, the more I’m here, the more I realize I am absolutely not ready for grad school. Maybe a Master’s, but not my PhD. My experience with Rutgers was a slap in the face at best; that didn’t help. Although I’m excited at the prospect of being able to achieve my life goal of a PhD, I know I am so far behind and still have so much to learn and am at a loss for where to start. But you know. I think that’s okay. I’m gonna spend these next few years taking some entry-level anthropology jobs. At best, they’ll be research analyst positions. At the worst, they’ll be business anthropology jobs. Either way, I’ll get experience. Any experience is good experience, and will probably lead to the boost of confidence needed to delve a little deeper into the intricacies of my study interests for a PhD. In the meantime, my boo and I plan on travelling. To every which country and place we want. We’re young, so we can only really get the fullness of travel experience now. I guess we could when retired, but then again, we won’t be as physically fit to be able to try anything under the sun at the drop of the pin if we wanted to. I guess what I’m trying to say is my initial plan has been falling apart. Not in a bad way, though, but rather, in a way that unfolds into a plan I feel will nurture and foster the true growth and maturity I’ll need to tackle higher education. I’m excited for it! Like, bring it ON, life.
But the plan now, in Jordan, is to not be in school. I talked to my parents, and they said they only really wanted me to be in school because it made them feel as though I was safer. And I totally get that, but it literally sucked all of the time from my day. Considering life stops in Jordan at 3 on weekdays, every shop in town is closed on the weekends, and my classes were 10-3, there was no time left for me to dedicate to volunteering (aka what I came here for in the first place). I was feeling aimless, confused, without purpose, and slowly sank deeper and deeper into depression as I tried my best to plunge myself into studying something I wasn’t even truly passionate about (like, don’t get me wrong, I love Arabic, but fusHa would not help me in future fieldwork endeavors given no one speaks it modernly). Plus, I literally just got out of five, gut-wrenching, brain-frying years of college. I learned a lot and did very well for myself (sidenote: yet I also realize I reeeeally could’ve done a lot, lot more), but I didn’t and don’t intend to go back for at least another five years, especially after the grad school visit that made it painfully obvious that I’m not ready for such a pursuit.
So, being ever so supportive as they tend to be, my ‘rents said so long as I registered myself with some US Embassy or American organizational entity that they would feel more at ease, and I could drop school from the agenda. They said they feel this is a wonderful life opportunity, that I had worked hard to get here, and it would be a waste if I spent the duration of my stay not fulfilling my goals and being completely miserable (agreed, but I’m biased). I guess this also spares them of having to pay for my school. Luckily, I haven’t made it to the registration office to pay for it yet, so I don’t have to go through the potentially long and arduous refund process. Now it’s just my savings I get to rely on, and the occasional pls-halps from my parents, but that freedom is really liberating. It makes me feel one step closer to adulting.
So now, I’m making appointments to look at apartments in Amman and making slow progress on filling out meticulous applications to various NGO’s and gov’t orgs alike. Luckily, there’s a whole smorgasbord of apartments in the centers where all the Embassies and NGO’s are. I think my luck will strike gold much easier there than here. :) At any rate, I can’t stay in this apartment. It’s for university students, and well - I no longer am one! (Hallelujaaaah)
Anyway. I think that’s all for now. Cheers from Jordan. (But not really, because alcohol is stupid expensive here).
Love ~ <3 :)
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